


What it is The Jonathan Chronicles pt 1

by Elle_Dread



Series: McGregor Chronicles [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Begining mentions really underage CSA, Brother/Brother Incest, Bullying, Child Abuse, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Consensual Underage Sex, Dark, Darkfic, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Father/Son Incest, Forbidden Love, Gang Rape, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Human Trafficking, Hurt/Comfort, John is 12/13 for most of the story, M/M, Pedophilia, Priest Abuse, Rape/Non-con Elements, Uncle/Nephew Incest, Underage Drinking, Underage Prostitution, Underage Sex, Underage Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-06
Updated: 2017-07-21
Packaged: 2018-09-22 13:20:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 34
Words: 409,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9609203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elle_Dread/pseuds/Elle_Dread
Summary: A rich family with dark secrets, A boy torn between surviving for himself or helping others survive. What will happen? Will he make it out alive? Will his family and his sanity stay intact or will everything come crashing down around him never to be fixed, left to suffer forever?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is something I've been working on and and off for years. A really dark fic. There is a lot of rape and abuse in this story and you will probably find a bit of it in almost every chapter if you don't like it don't read it you have been warned it is graphic and disturbing. Family has 17 children this is the oldest child. I don't believe in raping people and believe that people who such things should be severely dealt with. All characters are original and any and all instances where they appear to represent someone real or fictional is coincidental. This is a story of fiction.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is 12 year old. His abuse started before he remembers being tall enough to see over the counters while he stood. There are things he doesn't remember from that time. So many things. But other things he would do anything to forget. Things seem to get better for a while. Things seem happy almost normal and then he recieves a letter in the post. A letter that changes everything. That up ends the world as he knows it for not only him but for the people he loves the most, his siblings. Will he be able to protect them? To keep them safe from what he has endured his whole life or will he fail.

>  
The first time anything happened I was four. My uncle Ben had been babysitting me for the day because my Mum and Da were out and about doing whatever it is they did while they were still in love and my Da was still decent. He dipped his dick in sugar and made me lick it off, laughing the whole time. He was a teenager at the time I think he was about sixteen or so and he didn’t think anything of molesting his nephew. I later heard he had problems before then and had gotten himself whipped once or twice for touching other kids and instead of continuing to do it outside of the family he turned to family members which left just me at that point in time.

  
My Da was more than happy to offer me up and looked at it as my uncle’s “rite of passage” and a way to make sure he didn’t “raise any pussy’s” little did he know once my uncle convinced him it was a good idea the whole thing would continue. My Mum had no idea until I got old enough to give some sort of clue. By the time I was 6 and Will was four I was taking Will and making sure he was hidden unless mom was home so they wouldn’t touch him because I was “a good big brother”.

  
My Mum once came home and found me hiding in the closest in her bedroom which was the last place my Da would look for me. My Dad was running around the house screaming for me when she came in and he smacked her across the face when she yelled at him and told him to calm down and that I was probably scared because of all of his screaming.

  
“Don’t you fucking dare tell me my own son is afraid of me,” He screamed and then smacked her across the face the sound of the slap echoing down the long white hall way.

  
The truth is I was terrified of my Da, absolutely terrified. Nothing ever felt right the way he touched me never felt right, the way he hugged me. I was terrified of being woken up in the middle of the night by him and having him take off my PJ’s so he could fondle me. At the time his favorite thing to do was to wait until mom was asleep and then come into my room naked and just lay with me hugging me to his chest, pressing his erect penis up against my back while he rubbed my penis which I later learned was a “hand job” and after a while he would get so excited from it he would have to get up and go to the bathroom.

  
I think at the time that’s all he did because he didn’t want to hurt me since he was always the gentler one of the two. My uncle Ben by the time I was six hadn’t raped me yet at least not that I could remember, but was constantly making me give him blow jobs so I always had a sore throat and I always cried whenever my Mum left me with him. I hated anything that looked like cum. I hated oatmeal and most types of creamy soups. The sight of either would make me start gaging instantly.

  
I think Mum discovered what was going on because she walked in on it. My uncle was babysitting because my Da had been at work and my Mum was on her way to a doctor’s appointment but had accidentally left her appointment book in the kitchen but before she came home my Uncle had me on my knees while he watched porn and so when she opened the front door there we were he was on the couch with my face shoved between his legs moaning and bucking his hips with his eyes closed. He probably barely heard the door open and I was always praying that it would open so I was very relieved when I heard the handle turn.

  
“BEN!? What are you doing???!!!!” My Mum screamed frozen in shock.

  
Before my uncle could stop her my Mum had dialed the police even though by then I think they already had friends that were in the force and there had been a couple of domestic calls already because my dad had already been hitting my Mum by then but she grabbed me and locked me in the bathroom with her and called my dad screaming and crying.

  
“Connor you need to come home; I think Ben’s been molesting John I just walked in on him shoving your sons face in his crotch!” “What do you mean it’s no big deal? I called the police, how can you say that’s ok” “You’re calling them and telling them not to come? Connor I don’t believe you since when is this ok? You WHAT? You’ve known for a while and it will toughen him up? Connor, No, we’re leaving all of us!! YES, I’m calling my parents right now!!!”

  
Just then the door was broken down by Ben and there was a yelling match as I hid behind my mom, at this point Will was still strapped into his car seat in the car. So I slipped away and hid in the closet where I knew I was safe. I figured my uncle probably wouldn’t hurt her because she was heavily pregnant at the time and I was right for the most part. I think he smacked her once and I know at some point while I was hiding my Da came home because there was more yelling and then a big confession.

  
“Yeah, well this is how you love your kids. I spend every night after you fall asleep making sure he knows he’s loved. There’s nothing wrong with it and this is how it’s going to be” he shouted at her and back handed her across the face.

  
Both he and my uncle stormed out to the garage to let my Mum cry it out in the house but they were sure to disconnect the phone before they left. After my Mum had cried for a while she came looking for me.

  
“John sweetie,” she whispered quietly from her bed after she had searched the rest of the house. I popped out of my hiding spot.

  
“Mummy?” I said timidly.

  
“Does daddy do that to you too?” She asked.

  
“Do what?”

  
“What I saw Uncle Ben doing to you. You know I saw it.” She said.

  
I started crying “I’m sorry mommy I told him no that I don’t want to and that I don’t like it but he makes me anyway I don’t mean to be bad.”

  
“Honey it’s not your fault, you’re little and he’s big there is no way I would ever expect you to stop him,” she said, “Does daddy do the same thing”.

  
“No, daddy doesn’t stick his in my throat, he cuddles with me and touches my privates in bed at night while he makes weird noises and asks me if it feels good and calls me a good boy, Da’s not so bad not like uncle Ben sometimes I’m scared of him though because when you don’t do what he wants he hits you and I know he’s going to hit me too if I’m not good.”

 

“Mummy’s sorry sweetie, I’m so sorry,” she said with a far off look on her face like she wanted to cry but had no tears left and she hugged me to her chest while we laid in bed silent. At some point we fell asleep and when we woke up Da was calling us down to KFC at the table and Uncle Ben was gone for the moment. Probably at his friend’s house or up in his room since he was living with us at the time. We ate food in silence around the table my mom glaring at him and me shaking so badly I couldn’t hold my fork. I knew he would know I told and I knew I was in big trouble for it. I remember that being my first panic attack. I felt like I was dying my heart was beating so fast and my chest was tight but I also remember not being able to talk or to cry. I was frozen like a deer in the headlights.

  
“So, you know?” He said to my mom ignoring the fact that I was even there.

  
“Looking back I don’t know how I didn’t know,” she answered him.

  
“You know how this is going to go? You’re going to stay or you’re going to leave and they are going to stay with me. There is no way I am letting any of my children walk away with you. I’ll drag you through the mud. This is my money that takes care of us. My money and my job brought this house and the other two houses. You leave you leave with nothing you understand me Danielle?”

  
“Ok” was the only thing she said.

  
After that they still didn’t do anything in the open but my Da started putting sleeping pills in my Mum’s dinner so that she fell asleep early. He made sure it wasn’t dangerous for the babies before giving it to her but on the second morning after he gave her the pills she went into labor and had the twins. She was far enough along that it didn’t hurt either of my new brothers who were named Mikey and Matty. I loved them and I was just old enough to actually help my Mum out a little bit and school finally started. My Mum enrolled Will in preschool so that he wouldn’t have to be home and would be safe from my uncle during the day while she nursed the twins.

  
I remember loving school and things being pretty good for a while other than Mum being tired all of the time. Once my Mum got pregnant again my Da didn’t risk the sleeping pills because he was afraid of a miscarriage. He loved her when she was pregnant and treated her better when she found herself in that condition so after that point she was almost constantly pregnant. She tried to make sure that all of her OBGYN appointments were during our school time and when summer came she tried to convince Da it was a great idea to enroll us in a day care program because there was no way that uncle Ben could handle two of us. Somehow though my Da convinced my Mum that since there was four of us he would be too busy to abuse us. So my uncle was the sitter once again. Half way thru her second trimester they found out she was pregnant with triplets and they put her in the hospital to keep her on bed rest. Little did they know the stress from leaving the rest of us in our Uncle Ben’s hands would cause her to nearly miscarry all three and that instead of coming home with three healthy babies one would abort around the 5th month and another would be a stillborn leaving only one healthy baby to take home.

  
One day while she was in the hospital right before my eighth birthday my Uncle took the babies into the family room on the second floor to play and my Da sat me down and had a talk with me in the living room.

  
“You’re a man now son,” he said proudly beaming at me.

  
“What do you mean? I’m only eight.”

  
“Well, you know that boys and girls have different parts right?”

  
“Yeah, Mum said those parts go together when we’re older like a puzzle”

  
“Well, I’m going to show you how two of the same parts can fit together.”

  
“How?” I said my breath catching in my chest because I knew something bad was going to happen.

  
“Well, let’s get some ice cream and talk about it some more”

  
He made ice cream just him and me in the kitchen and that was the first time he kissed me. He shoved his tongue in my mouth and I tasted vanilla. He used his body to press me up against the table and I remember feeling squeezed and trapped and pushing him just a little trying to free myself while he continued to let his tongue wander in my mouth as I felt the tears start coming down my cheeks because I knew what he was doing wasn’t right. He then undid my pants and pulled down my underwear so that they were around my ankles and lifted me up onto the table knocking the bowls of ice cream on the ground.

  
My small hands pushed at him as I cried “Da, please this isn’t right” he hushed me with kisses on my cheeks “It’s ok kiddo, you’ll like it I promise” he said as he positioned me and slid into my anus for the first time. I screamed and he put his hand over my mouth to muffle the sound and froze still as a statue inside of me until I had quieted and then he begins to thrust each time making me sorer then the last while he made noises I had never heard before. Noises that reminded me of a wounded animal. I pleaded the whole time as he raped me on the kitchen table that very first time.

  
It seemed like he didn’t hear my pleas at all. He just kept going until he climaxed and then let go of me getting up and doing up his fly. He gave me a kiss on the forehead and told me I had been great and that it would hurt less next time. I laid there for a while on my side curled in the fetal position bleeding from my anus. My dad came back around midnight and picked me up carrying me to my room and as he tucked me in he whispered happy birthday in my ear. I didn’t tell my Mum about that time.

  
Three weeks later she came home with James. The night she came home with James renovations began on the basement level my Da saying they needed more room so that Ben didn’t have to be near the crying baby. The first time Uncle Ben raped me completely was a very different experience than when my Da did.

  
My Mum and Da had when out and everyone else was sleeping.

  
“Hey, Johnny come here I have something to show you” He said smiling at me like he had something bad on his mind.

  
When I didn’t move he jumped on top of me on the couch and grabbed me by the throat.

  
“Do what I want or you’re dead you understand?”

  
I nodded my head the best I could and then he pulled me up and threw me on the ground ripping my pajama bottoms off and jumping on my back. He plunged himself inside of me and I screamed. I felt like I was dying and I thought he was going to kill me “SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!” he said as he thrusted in and out of me. I could feel my skin tearing and my stomach gurgling but at some point I lost my scream and couldn’t do anything but lay there as he raped me. He started thrusting faster making grunting noises as my own blood helped lubricate my passage and he came. After he was done he rolled off of me and again I found myself laying there for a while. Only he didn’t come back and carry me off to bed. Around 10pm he yelled me out of my own private world.

  
“Your parents will be home soon and its past your bed time, get up, clean yourself and go to sleep.” Is all he said before he slammed the back door when he went out to smoke.

  
I did as I was told. I didn’t want to found awake because my dad would have my ass for it and I didn’t think my ass could take anymore so I put toilet paper in the bottom of my underwear and went to sleep. The bleeding had more or less stopped by the time I woke up so I just took another shower and went off to school in the morning even though I was horribly sore.

  
Neither one of them touched me for months after that. I only found out later they were leaving me alone because they had started molesting Will weekly. When I found out I was almost as devastated as my Mum was. I then took it upon myself to do whatever I could to shoulder most of the burden. I did well in school but, kept to myself mostly. By the time I was nine the abuse was spread out between four of us and Mum was barely talking half the time.

“Will why didn’t you say anything? I could have helped.” I said.

  
“I remember you already helping. When we were little. I’m bigger now, you were hurt.”

  
“You should have said something,”

  
“He would have hit Mummy and done badder things. Things like Uncle Ben did to you in the living room.”

  
I remember the feelings of my cheeks instantly going red, that moment wasn’t meant to be seen especially by one of my baby brothers. I had strained to carry him and hide him in the closet as a little boy just to protect him from that and now he had seen it happen to me, the most traumatic experience of my life I had unknowingly shared with my brother.

  
“Don’t tell Mum you saw that, she doesn’t know,” I said turning away.

  
“Why wouldn’t you tell Mum how you got hurt?” Will asked giving me a wide eyed look.

  
“Because she doesn’t know I got hurt and I’m not going to tell her until she needs to know.” I said.

  
“So you’re yelling at me for not telling when you’re not telling? That’s stupid.”

  
“Well, I think I have to tell mom now,” I sighed.  
“Want me to go with you? Are you going to tell her everything? Like how he ___”.

  
“No, I’m going to tell her that he hurt me but I’m not going to tell her how bad it was. I can go on my own,” I said.

  
I walked down the hall to my parents’ bedroom and knocked on the door. She opened it her belly full of child once again but, it looked like she had been crying.

  
“What’s wrong Mummy?” I asked her, almost scared to give her the bad news.

  
“It’s a girl sweetie. You’re Da just seems a little too happy about it and it has me worried. I’ll be fine, I promise. What do you need?” she smiled sadly at me rubbing her belly.

  
“I have to tell you something,” I said the blood freezing in my veins. I didn’t want to break her heart further but she needed to know I wasn’t sure why but I felt like she needed to know.

  
“Sweetie, what’s wrong? You look so scared? What’s wrong?” she said her eyes wide with fear as she sat on the bed and patted the spot on the bed next to her.

  
“They did something they haven’t done before. They didn’t just touch me they did other things,” I said to my knees.

  
“You mean like uncle Ben did when you were little?”

  
“No mom, both Da and Uncle Ben they hurt my butt really bad."  
My mom got a questioning look on her face and I watched her expression changed from confusion to horror, “OH MY GOD! Sweetie when?”

  
“Da right before my birthday and Uncle Ben a couple months ago, they started hurting Will after that too. I told him to tell you but, I wanted to tell you in case he didn’t,” I said.

  
“I’m a horrible mother. He promised me he’d stop and he hasn’t. And I believed him. I was stupid enough to believe him. He said that he would make Ben stop and that he would stop and he said everything would be fine that we would get help that he would get help. I don’t believe this.”

  
At that point because her voice kept rising I got scared and slowly backed out of the room. I didn’t know what I had triggered at the time but I had apparently triggered the first of many break downs. Two weeks later she had the baby and it was indeed a baby girl.

Her name was Catherine my mom decided after her great grandmother. She was the most beautiful baby I could remember. And the abuse did stop for a while. Like my dad wanted to be a better person for her. Like he wanted to be a real dad. He did everything he could to try and get Ben to leave us alone. Uncle Ben got his own apartment for a while in New York City and we moved to London things were good for a while. I almost forgot about the abuse and so did Will because after speaking to him I had found out they had just started abusing him and they hadn’t raped him yet.

  
We got into a good school and spent the week in the dorms at eight and six that is like a dream come true. The twins entered preschool and James was in day care while mom spent time with friends and at time traveling to France. She went to a birthing center at one point to have her next set of twins and the years passed happily for once. Uncle Ben stayed away and I got occasional post cards from Thailand and China telling me he was thinking of me. Sometimes there would be a letter for dad and would sneak in a letter for me to read. My dad would hand them to me and I would read them and then be scared for my life until I realized he wasn’t coming home then I would breathe a sigh of relief.

  
One of the letters I received when I was 12 while mom was pregnant once again expecting twins held the grim promise that everything would start up again.

  
Dear Johnny,  
I’ve missed you so much, I remember you’re tight hole. I remember the fun we had that one time, you know what I’m talking about (winks). Being out here with people that don’t speak English makes me miss home and you and your brothers so much more.  
I heard your mom had more rug rats and that one of them has red hair just like you. I remember staring down at your little red head bobbing on my cock when you were a baby. I can’t wait to see you again. I’ll be heading home soon, I’m sick of seeing the world and just want to cuddle up with you and listen to your whimpers.  
See you soon,  
Uncle Ben

  
My blood turned cold. It was two weeks later that I heard we were going to be moving back to the states into our home outside of Miami where all the abuse had happened. Mom was going to be coming along 3 months later that way she would have the next set of twins (Mary and Seamus) and Catherine, Andrew, Laura and Malachy would be coming with her. But that we older boys would be moving with dad so that we could get settled into our new school before winter break and Christmas. My mom was hoping that my dad would be willing to bring us back for Christmas but he didn’t. She however once again believed him when he said everything would be ok that he was a better man now and loved us even though I had never forgiven him and was always very guarded.

  
For a 12-year-old I was very anti-social and preferred spending time by myself to having any friends. I cared about my brothers deeply but didn’t offer up hugs that often and didn’t allow my dad to hug me or touch me ever. I remembered the way that kiss felt all those years ago and to this day I still haven’t forgotten it. Whenever he smiled at me my blood froze. My mom might have mostly forgiven him but I certainly didn’t. I was terrified of the man, with good reason. He didn’t taunt me with letters or words but he taunted me with his eyes sometimes he’d stare at me and there would be this look in his eyes like he was reliving that night in the kitchen and he was enjoying it. When I saw that look in his eyes I would avoid him for the rest of the day because I knew he would want to hug me and I dreaded it.

  
The night before our flight I made sure my clothes were ready and so were Jamie’s. Will and the twins where old enough that they didn’t need my help with that type of stuff anymore. When we woke up at five the next morning I helped James brush his teeth and get dressed and I dressed myself leaving my uniform at the back of my bedroom closest in London knowing I would probably never need it again even though my mom was hopeful we would return because it was only a one-hour flight to her parents’ house who would had spent some weekends with.

  
The moment we were on the plane and my seat was next to my dad’s and he smiled at me I knew. I knew what I was flying straight for.

  
“Is the plane making you nervous buddy?”

  
“What?” I asked my dad as his voice brought me out of my stupor.

  
“Is the plane ride making you nervous?” He asked again this time cupping my thigh with his hand.

  
I jumped. I literally jumped out of seat startling not only him but also James who had been sleeping beside me and Will, Mikey and Matty in the seats behind us.

  
“Is everything ok?” a stewardess asked watching me try to catch my breath.

  
“Yeah, I think he’s just startled by the plane, he doesn’t like planes,” my Da said reassuring the stewardess that everything was ok.

 

“Well, do you have any medication for him? I don’t want him to disturb anyone”

  
“I’ll be fine, I’ll read my book,” I said suddenly trying to settle back down in my seat.

  
“Can I get you anything?”

  
“No, thanks I think I’ll be ok,” I said giving her a small smile.

  
My Da leaned close to my ear as I tried to lean farther away, “You know its better you then little Jamie over there sleeping next to you,” he whispered, “I have missed you so much, you have no idea. I can’t wait to touch you and show you how much I love you. I’ll make it slow; you’ll enjoy it”

  
“Da, I’ll scream my head off and make sure everyone knows what you’re doing to me and what you’re going to do to them I swear to God,” I hissed back.

  
“No, see you won’t because then you can be sure it will happen to them and you couldn’t stand it being your fault. Now relax and have a nice flight.”

  
But I couldn’t relax. Every time the plane shook I startled in my seat and the nice stewardess smiled sadly at me. I looked over at her wishing I could tell her, wishing she could help me and call the cops and have them waiting at the gate when we landed. They would have saved me and my brothers and when my dad went to court and I told them what he did to me everyone would cry and I would be told I was a hero because I saved my brothers from such a tragic fate. And I and my mom would get all of my dad’s money and we would live happily ever after and move back to London and things would be great. But I knew somehow that wouldn’t happen. I wanted to try.

  
I got up to use the bathroom the moment I saw that the stewardess was back next to the rest room getting ready to pass out snacks.

  
“Hey, so glad to see you’re feeling better!” she said smiling at me.

  
“Yeah,” I said checking to make sure Da was still sound asleep in his seat “I need your help,”  
“Sure, what can I do for you?”

  
“I need you to call...”

  
“Call who?” she asked quietly.

Just then I felt a hand on my shoulder and I think I turned pale because her eyes lit up a little and she put a strained smile on her face.

  
“I think he’s just worried about his mom in London. She’s pregnant again and he hates being away from her” my Da said to the woman reassuringly.

  
I mouthed “the police,” but I think she was too busy looking at my Da to notice.

  
“Oh, well I can’t do that you’re just going to have to wait until we land, I’m sure your dad will help you call her,” she said and walked away patting my head even though she hurried away and went through the curtains near the cockpit.

  
We landed three hours later. The stewardess rushed off the plane and when my dad and I finally made it off with my brothers she was indeed talking to the police and she pointed to me. The police came over but instead of talking to me and asking me questions he shook my dad’s hand and my heart sank.

  
“Mr. McGregor, a pleasure to meet you, your brother has told us so much about your happy family. This must be your oldest I can’t believe his hair look at that.” the officer said looking at me and winking.

  
“Thank you, Hank right? My brother told me you were a great man,” my Da said and they made small chit-chat for a while I stood there holding James’ hand. Just then a luggage cart pulled around the corner being pushed by a young man whom I hadn’t seen in a while but I knew it was my uncle Ben.

“Hey Johnny, how are you?” he said with a terrible smile on his face, “Are we ready to get these boys home Conner?”

  
“I think so,” My Da answered him and we said good bye to the police officer and headed to the car.

  
“As soon as everyone was strapped in and we were on the road my Da and uncle started talking “You know what John here did? He tried calling the cops on me, and that’s when I met Hank.”

  
“Oh Hank, he’s a great guy he’s a part of FFCL you won’t have any problems with him, I’ve met his boy Patrick,” My uncle said.

  
“Really? I was thinking we might homeschool John and the boys At least if Danielle wasn’t around we could do it until she gets here I suppose.”

  
“That sounds like a great idea and we could get everyone back into the swing of things, break the young one in a little bit.”

  
“Yeah, that would be a good idea he is precious, I mean just look at him sleeping back there knowing he’s untouched makes me hard.”

  
“Well, I know you’ll break him in right. Even though you’re always so kind most of the FFCL guys aren’t that soft with their kids.”

  
“Yeah I know you take the more traditional approach but, that doesn’t mean anything. I would rather be able to do it again then not be able to touch them for a week because I was too rough you know?”

  
“Yeah, I know what you mean, I’ve been working on my skills and I seem to be doing better with that”.

  
Just then we pulled into the driveway of the old house. It was twice the size it used to be my Da had ordered the construction carried out while we were in London, he had brought the properties on either side of the house and added an indoor pool and outdoor pool and a tennis court he had also added three more stories to the house.

  
James’ eyes got huge as we approached “COOL!”

  
“You guys get your own floor, thanks to mom she said she had a code for the elevator somewhere I just don’t know where it is.”

  
“So it’s like just ours and no one else can go there?” William asked.

  
“Yeah buddy just for you kids, it’s in case someone tries to kidnap you, I don’t even have the code so you’ll be sleeping in guest rooms until mom gets here.”

  
“Where are the guest rooms?” I asked.

  
“On the same floor next to mine and your mom’s room,” he said as everyone got out of the car and went into the house through the garage door.

  
The kitchen was twice as big as it had been but, it was still the same table and I started shaking the moment I saw it.

  
“John, what’s wrong?” James asked shaking my hand trying to pull me out of my own thoughts.

  
“Hey buddy, you can come upstairs with me ok?” my Da said making my brothers leave the room leaving me standing in the door way with my uncle behind me.

  
Uncle Ben came up behind me hugging me around the waist his fingers coming to rest on the button of my jeans. I flinched.

  
“DON’T!!!” I half shouted half whispered.

  
“Ok, I’ll just go get Will then,” Ben said moving to go upstairs.

  
“No, no wait. I’ll… just let me get a drink of water,”  
He went and grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge, “come on I have something cool to show you,” he said opening up the door to the basement and hinting at me to lead the way. I heard the basement door click shut behind me as I descended the stairs. It was dark like a dungeon even when he turned on the light and I realized everything was in a blood red shade. He opened another door in the corner and motioned for me to walk through it. This time I heard a lock click shut behind me in the silence and I flinched.

  
There was a bed in the middle of the room with blood red sheets and comforter and on the left side of the room there was another bed only this one looked different. There was a square cut in the foot of the bed and it was a canopy with chairs and restraints hanging from it.

  
“Take off your clothes,” my uncle said sitting on the end of the normal looking bed and removing his boots.

  
With trembling hands, I lifted my shirt over my head exposing my white chest and then I bent over and took off my shoes while standing up. My uncle walked up to me completely naked and undid my pants starting to kiss my neck while I shivered.

  
He nodded his head “Yeah, this will be nice” he said more to himself then to me as he buried his head in my neck again biting at the skin there. My knees grew weak and I whimpered almost falling over so I grabbed his arm to try and steady myself.

  
“Your edger too huh? You’ve missed my cock that much?” he whispered in my ear.

  
“I don’t feel good,” I managed to mutter. I felt like I was going to be sick, I was dizzy and my heart was beating fast. I thought it was going to explode out of my chest and I knew it was from fear that my brain didn’t know what to do.

  
“It’s ok buddy you’re just excited to see me again, come on I’ll help you onto the bed,” he said dragging me over to the other bed before I realized what he was doing he had put restraints around my ankles and was on top of my body kissing down my chest while using a pair of scissors to cut my underwear from my body.

  
“I really don’t feel good Uncle Ben please don’t,” I mumbled and he grabbed me by the throat and squeezed suddenly blocking off my air supply.

  
“Don’t you dare tell me what to do you understand me?” He said squeezing harder, “Nod if you understand me”.

  
I nodded even though I felt like my eyes were around to pop out of my head because of all of the pressure he was exerting on my neck and throat but once I did he loosened his grip and went back to kissing me. He licked my nipples a little while I squirmed even though I was trying to lay still. I was afraid that if I said anything he would choke me again and I would pass out.

  
He moved his tongue slowly down my body finally taking the tip of my penis and putting it in his mouth. I yelped at the feeling having never been given a blow job before. I started shivering like I was cold I was so afraid. The sensation was new to me as he deep throated me and I knew my body was enjoying it. My eyes started tearing up and I bit my lips to keep myself from crying out. I knew if I begged him to stop he would choke me again. I did everything I could to keep myself from screaming as he sucked me off the pressure building to the point where I couldn’t stand it anymore my head swimming and stars flickering in my vision as my body pushed outward releasing the pressure that had been building making me feel like I had to pee. After it was done I was left breathless and confused. It didn’t feel right at all something about it felt so wrong that I still can’t describe it.

  
“See? That felt good didn’t it? I knew you missed me,” he whispered into my belly button kissing his way up my chest as he lifted my knees onto his shoulders. I couldn’t see what he was doing and I didn’t want to see but I heard something being unwrapped as he put a condom on and lubed himself up. Then I felt him plunge inside of me and I screamed out in pain.

  
“It’s ok, now it’s my turn to feel good is all, you’ll be a good boy and help me won’t you?” he asked his face in my neck as he pinned my arms against the mattress even though he had restrained them long ago with shackles. He started thrusting hard and slow and it hurt. I remember this searing pain like I was being ripped from the inside out like the first time he raped me. My breathing got heavy and so did his and he started thrusting faster and faster until the bed was shaking beneath us and I couldn’t feel myself nerves shaking anymore just the rhythm of what he was doing to me until he came gasping his face in my neck. He laid on top of me for a while his penis still inside me. I tried to move forgetting that I was restrained until I felt their resistance as they pulled me back against the mattress.

  
“We’re not done having fun yet Johnny,” he smiled at me getting up for just a moment. I laid my head back and closed my eyes.

  
“I want to be untied,” I moaned.

  
“Will you be good?” he asked.

  
“I’ll try to be,” I replied since in this case I didn’t know what good meant.

  
“You let me suck you off one more time and I’ll let you go ok?” he said hovering over top of me once more his eyes inches from mine.

  
My stomach dropped. I could take the anal, I could deal with the kissing or me giving him a blow job but the feeling that I got while he was giving me one was still fresh and was pure agony for me. It had been like my nervous system was misfiring and the signals for pain were causing me pleasure and pleasure had been turned into pain and I didn’t like the way it felt at all. He must have seen the thought in my eyes.

  
“You say no, I do it anyway and you spend the night down here with me,” he said.

  
“I can’t,” I gasped knowing that I would be punished. He kneed me in the stomach and then slowly took my penis in his mouth his lips moving up and down my length. The tickling in my body started again, the tingling in my toes as I started to get hard once more and I bit the inside of my cheek to keep form making any noise without success since I could hear myself moaning through closed lips as he made me climax and I closed my eyes tight.

  
I got dizzy and things start to feel slow. I didn’t realize it at the time but I was holding my breath while he continued to suck on my cock even though I had already cum. My body hurt and I was shaking tied to the bed.

  
My 12-year-old body must have passed out at some point because a while later I woke up still tied to the bed him hugging me asleep his head resting on my belly button. With the restraints there was enough slack for me to move and roll over if I would have dared but I couldn’t bring myself to move even the tiniest muscle. And I laid there wide awake and frozen for the longest time.

  
“Thanks kiddo you were amazing,” he whispered in my ear sometime later biting my neck again. I inhaled and held my breath thinking it was about to start all over again not knowing if I could take anymore but he rolled me over so I was laying on my stomach and raped me again this time it didn’t hurt so badly because I was already so sore but he was kinder and softer than the first time. His hands finding my hips and bucking against me with a slow fluid rhythm this time until he filled me since this time he didn’t have a condom on. The cum dripped down my legs as he stopped for while even though I couldn’t see what he did and then he climbed on top of me and did it again each time he climaxed he moaned out my name as if I were his lover. He raped me two more times and then collapsed on top of me half asleep while I felt half dead underneath him. And then he rolled onto his side and pulled a blanket up off the floor and wrapped us in it and fell asleep. I was still restrained with the shackles the whole time wishing he could at least undo them so I could sleep freely but, he didn’t. Next time I woke up it was to him and this new person someone I didn’t recognize at first taking turns performing oral sex on me trying to see who could get me to cum first even though I was asleep.

  
“He is sweet; I love gingers they are wild in bed. His body is something else for a 12-year-old,” the man said.

  
“You’re telling me I had no idea he would get this much better with age almost makes the wait worth it, I agree with you Hank he has the tightest body I’ve ever seen on a 12-year-old” Ben said.

  
So that’s who it was the officer from the airport. I wondered if this would become a regular thing, little did I know that it would not only with Hank but with Tony,and many others. At some point I was raped again this time by Hank he kept screaming in my ear “OH GOD YES, YES, AMAZING tight ass, OH GOD,” as he came into the condom that was inside me. After he was done he didn’t waste any time thanking me or sticking around he did up his pants told my uncle he would see him later and left. At some point my Da came downstairs and unhooked my restraints.

  
“I’m glad you helped your uncle entertain, he said you were very nice to his guest,” my Da said.

  
“Yeah…” I said half dead, “Can I go upstairs I’m really tired?”

  
“Yes, do you need help getting up the stairs?” my Da asked as if he was really concerned about me.

  
“No, I think I’m ok,” I said even though my whole ass felt like it was on fire. I hobbled up the stairs. I just chose a room and went into it where I found Will hugging James on the bed in the darkness.  
“Don’t wake him up I just got him to sleep,” Will whispered to me, slowly getting up out of the bed and pulling me by the arm out into the hallway once more. All I wanted to do was lay down. I was wearing just my jeans loosely around my waist because I was sore.

  
“Where were you? We haven’t seen you since we got here. You know what da did to him? I walked in on da raping him, he’s six years old John, you should have been here to protect him!!” Will said all in one breath.

  
“Uncle Ben locked me in the basement,” was all I could manage to get out before tears started pooling around the corners of my eyes.

  
“In the basement?” Will said folding his arms over his chest.

  
“Yes, in the basement where he FUCKED me over and over and over since I walked in that kitchen door!” I nearly shouted.

  
At the sound of my voice rising Mikey and Matty popped their heads out of another door “Ohhh, John just said a bad word!” they said in unison.

  
“Yeah, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to,” I said, “What about you guys are you guys ok? Has anyone hurt you?”

  
“Dad,” Will nodded sadly, “He wasn’t so bad about it though he was nice about it not like when Uncle Ben did it to you when we were little kids.”

  
“Uncle Ben hasn’t changed much Will,” I said.

  
“What do you mean it wasn’t that bad? Mike said to Will, “Dad made us touch each other’s privates and he filmed it. It was gross!!!”

  
“Did he put his dick in your bottoms?” I asked both Mike and Matt scared of the answer.

  
“No, he said he had a friend that wanted to meet us that was going to give him money and a trade,” Matt replied.

  
“Well, good for now I guess.” I said suddenly feeling dizzy, “Will I have to lay down now because I don’t feel good.” I said as I felt myself sway like I was about to pass out. Will moved aside and allowed me to climb in bed with James who huddled into my warmth in his sleep. I was happy for the company for once. When I woke up the next morning I found out I had been in the basement for two days and I also found that uncle Ben had gone but I didn’t know where I was sure he would be back though and now I had a Da to confront because I wanted to know what he thought he was doing hurting my baby brother like that when he knew I was going to feel helpless when I found out. So that night after I made sure everyone was tucked away I knocked on my parents’ bedroom door.

  
“It’s open,” he called from inside the room and I opened the door and stood just in the door way.

  
“Johnathan, you can come all the way in and shut the door please,” he smiled up at me from the book he had been reading on the bed.

  
“Why did you do it da? He’s just a baby,” I said.

  
“Relax it’s not his first time, in retrospect I shouldn’t have been so rough with him though, usually I’m a lot gentler but I’ve been holding back for months and I have urges. I’ve been waiting to get my hands on you,” he said putting his book down and coming towards me.

  
I found myself instinctively backing myself up against the wall and I felt as if he were towering over me as he approached, “On me?” I asked as he stood over me trapping me against the wall that was behind me and his body.

  
“Yeah, you’re my oldest and I’ve heard you’ve turned into quiet the man,” he said looking down at my belt the same moment I did.

  
“If I let you, will you leave the others alone?” I asked bravely looking up at him. I made sure he looked me in the eyes so I could tell whether he was lying or not when he answered me.

  
“For a while I will yes,” he answered truthfully.

  
“How long is a while?”

  
“I’ll give you one week for each night you spend with me, I can’t promise your uncle Ben will leave them alone but, I’ll see what I can do ok?” He said caressing my face like a lover would.

  
“Ok,” I nodded gulping and getting ready to pull my shirt over my head.

  
“No, let me baby” my Da said in a musky voice as if he couldn’t control his excitement and I let him undress me and lead me to the bed.

  
He kissed me as he laid me down, that kiss I had been dreading since we got back was finally happening and I was doing my best not to resists it. I felt sick to my stomach to let him kiss me like that and lay I back gently on the bed. He wiped a tear off of my cheek.

  
“Johnny, I promise I’m not going to hurt you,” he whispered as he climbed on top of me.

  
“Da, I can’t breathe,”

  
“If you can talk you can breathe Johnny, just relax you’ll enjoy it,” he said lifting my legs with his shoulders and putting a finger instead me to stretch my hole a little.

  
I closed my eyes and tried to slow my breathing as he got me ready and entered me with his penis. It was uncomfortable but it didn’t hurt me like it had all the times before. He was slow and treated me like I was his lover and not his son. With each thrust he hit something inside of me that made my insides jump and made my breath catch in my throat. Back then I didn’t know what it was he was doing but he was hitting my G spot and he and I both climaxed together and laid on the bed him rolling over and holding me to his chest.

  
I started crying even though I tried to stop myself “Shhh, its ok that wasn’t so bad was it? You did really well, you were amazing baby just relax we’ll go to sleep,” he whispered in my ear as he cradled me. “You’re doing the right thing,”

  
That was the first night of those three months that I spent sharing a bed with my father while my mom was away in Europe and it kept my brothers safe from him and my uncle Ben. I hated myself for it. I quit eating and I just laid in that room all day. My dad had allowed my brothers to go to school but he kept me at home. The reason why I didn’t usually leave the room was because if I didn’t wear any clothes my brothers could go to school so I knew they would be safe from Uncle Ben. I had to have sex with my Da whenever and wherever he wanted me to. Uncle Ben wasn’t allowed to touch me though my Da and he got into a fight about that. My dad said he wouldn’t share my mom with Ben so why on earth should he share his “favorite son”?


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is introduced to some of his Da's friends and starts to learn more about his future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of gang rape and child pornography. I don't have a beta all spelling and grammar mistakes are my own. Let me know what you think.

I was down stairs making dinner before the boys got home so they wouldn’t have to see what I had turned into when my Da came into the kitchen.

“Hey baby, what are you making?” he asked casually as if I were his wife.

“Just mac and cheese, something easy,” I answered as he came up behind me and grabbed my hips grinding against me through his pants. I grabbed his hands as they moved to my crotch trying to stop their advancement.

“Just let me finish,” I pleaded.

“No, now,” he said pulling me away from the stove and pushing me into the counter raising me up just enough so that I was laying on it as he pulled down his pants and boxers just enough so he could get his penis out and slide it into me.

“OUCH! Da, that hurts,” I said as he started banging my thighs against the counter with each thrusts which grew harder each time.

“Oh god yeah,” he moaned pushing into me harder and faster pounding me against the counter.

A moan escaped me as I gripped the top of his hands and wrist while he rubbed my hardening dick. My knees gave out underneath me and the only thing holding me up was him and the counter as his thrust pushed me back and forth between the two before I knew it he had finished. When he pulled away I fell with a hard thud to the kitchen floor.

“Oh honey! You didn’t tell me you couldn’t stand!” he said helping me back up.

I squealed when he reached down to touch me, “I can’t feel my legs please just leave me alone.”

“Really?” he said his demeanor suddenly changing. “I treat you so good, I make sure you cum and you cry and say you can’t feel your legs and you want me to leave you alone? What kind of shit is that? Just like your mother. Nothing was ever good enough for her either.” He bickered and pulled out his cell phone.

“Da, who are you calling?” I asked scared of his answer.

“Your uncle maybe he’ll make you really appreciate how good I treat you,” he said.

“Da, please, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry don’t call him. You’re really good to me I know that, I’m sorry,” I begged him on my knees at his feet.

My dad stood in front of my and undid his belt in front of me and I knew what he wanted so I took his dick in my mouth willingly and made sure he was satisfied before I stopped. “Good boy,” he said helping me to my feet and shoving his tongue down my throat almost knocking me back off my feet again just as we heard the door open.

“You guys know the rules go upstairs and wash up for dinner,” Will told the other boys from the living room.

Great, just fucking great. I thought to myself here I was naked besides an apron and Da had his pants around his ankles still and he was holding onto me like we had been making out which I suppose we had been making out when the door opened.

“Go in the bathroom,” my da whispered in my ear smacking me on the ass as I walked away and closed myself into the kitchen bathroom and he pulled up his pants and did up his fly.

“Hey Will,” I heard him say as Will walked into the kitchen just as I shut the door.

“Where is John?” Will asked.

“He’s probably just busy kiddo,” my dad answered him as he took the noodles off of the stove and finished up the mac and cheese for me.

“Da I haven’t seen him in like two weeks, is he ok?” Will asked.

“Yeah buddy he’s fine, if you want to talk to him he’s in the bathroom, he just didn’t want the kids to see him because, we were having some fun you see? And he didn’t want to scare your brothers.”

“Huh, ok,” Will said and then knocked on the door.

 I thought to myself if I don’t come out Da is going to be mad and probably hurt Will but if I do I will be humiliated and probably never be able to look Will in the face again. I’m his big brother and he’s not supposed to see me like this.

“John, I want to talk to you, can you let me in?” Will said.

“Sure, “I said opening the door and pulling him in by the arm.

“What are you wearing?!??” Will said when he looked at me and realized I was covered in sweat wearing only a kitchen apron.

“Will, Da’s not letting me be normal. If I act normal he’s going to hurt you, Mike, Matt and James and I can’t let him do that.” I said quietly.

“Da’s making you wear that?”

“Yeah,” I said.

“Is he raping you all the time? I keep hearing you cry at night” Will asks me straight up.

“I I’m not sure, I mean I don’t want to but he’s not hurting me he’s just …. He’s having sex with me,” I stammered.

“Mum is coming soon, she had the babies early,” Will said.

“I don’t know if that will help us any,” I said truthfully, “I don’t know if that will help me any, the only reason why he’s not hurting you guys or letting uncle Ben hurt you guys is because I agreed to do this.”

“YOU WHAT?! You know how crazy that is John? How is that going to help us, I mean I haven’t seen you in like a month, you look like you haven’t had anything to eat in a month you’re naked and covered in sweat. How is that going to help us?” Will whispered terrified.

“I had to, I can’t eat I’m too sick to my stomach. I think he’s crazy he acts like he thinks I’m Mum. He hasn’t hit me yet but otherwise he’s acting like I’m Mum, I make dinner every night I clean the house but, he makes me you know whenever he wants which is all the time.”

“I’m telling mom tonight when she calls,” Will said.

“No you’re not,” I answered, “You can’t, it will make him mad and then the deal will be off and he’ll call Uncle Ben back and it will be bad.”

“Ok, I’ll keep it quiet but if you can’t handle it you have to let me give you an out, deal?” Will said.

“Yeah, deal,” I said knowing I wouldn’t allow myself to tag him and make this his problem. This wasn’t a relay race, I wasn’t going to hand him the stick and back out I would rather it was only my ass my Da was messing with and keep my brothers out of it completely. I would have to be stark raving mad before I would let that happen.

Just then there was a pounding knock on the door. “It’s Da, John I got some clothes you can join your brothers for dinner tonight,” he said and then opened the door and handed me a pair of PJ pants.

I slid them on and then took off my apron and when I came out all my Da could do was stare at me as we all sat down to eat. My little brothers were so happy to see me James climbed into my lap and showed me a picture he drew at school and I told him what an awesome picture it was. They treated me as if I were their parent and I was only 12 years old. I think it hit me then that I really was one of their parents. I always had been for some of them.

“Ok do your homework,” I said to Matt and Mike after they told me about gym class and how the math teacher told them they would be doing times tables again next week. Da, put the plates in the sink and then cocked his head towards the steps.

“Will, you’re helping them with their homework right?” I asked watching Will nervously.

“Yeah sure, I have to do mine too,” He replied giving me a puzzling look.

“Ok I have to go upstairs for a bit, I’ll be back in a little while,” I said getting up from the table.

I got up from the table and my shoulders heaved with a sigh I couldn’t believe I was doing this, my Da was already half way up the stairs. I could feel my dinner sitting in my gut like a brick of pasta and I felt as if I had to throw up.

“You’re great with them,” he said once I turned the corner into the bedroom and shut the door behind me, “It made me hot watching you with them, you’re going to make a good Da someday,” he said biting my neck a little roughly.

“Ouch,” I muttered under my breath hoping he didn’t hear me. He continued biting me and I knew he was going to give me a bite mark that wouldn’t go away for a while but I bit my lips to keep my protest to myself as his hands moved over my body making me shiver. I sighed deeply as he backed us up into the foot of the bed and he laid me down pinning me between his body and the mattress. I didn’t have the energy to fight him on it and I didn’t want to say anything because I was afraid he would hear the bitter sarcasm in my voice and it would earn me some sort of punishment.

I let him kiss his way down my chest while I put my hands in his dark brown hair hoping the feeling would guide him away from my penis and back up to my face but, it didn’t. I was forced to lay back on the bed trying to catch my breath while he gave me a blow job. I could feel my breath falter and I kept telling myself to breathe but it wasn’t working. Before I knew it I could feel my lungs expanding reaching for air but I couldn’t draw any air in. At that point his hands were at my hips clawing at them and scratching them as if he were digging at my flesh for something and I started fighting with his fingers to get him to let me go or at least look up in hopes he would stop so I might be able to catch some air. I felt like I was dying suffocating on my own fear as I scratched at his hands desperately while I got closer and closer to climaxing. I saw stars, and things started to slip away then my knee jerked.

“You ass---“my Da screamed as he came up to yell at me for kneeing him in the chest and he realized I wasn’t breathing. For a moment I thought I saw fear in his eyes and I imagined him looking into my face and seeing my probably blue or purple lips, my chest heaving trying to find air and then I passed out.

I came to a while later wrapped in the blankets of the bed and I looked around, my dad was sitting in the recliner in front of the fireplace, a small fire crackling in the heath. I was alive. If I hadn’t of felt so numb and known that I couldn’t die because I had my brothers to protect I would have cried.

“What happened?” I asked from my pile of blankets on the bed.

“Oh, hey Hun, you passed out,” he said nonchalantly, “I called a doctor friend and he said it was probably stress induced and that once you were breathing again you might be ok but that I need to take you in and get you tested for stress induced asthma.”

“You think I have asthma?” I asked.

“My friend thinks so he says some people get it when their stressed and have asthma attacks. He says it can kill people. I had to give you CPR in order to get you breathing again and let you rest. If you wouldn’t have started breathing almost the moment I started CRP I would have called 911 but, you corporate nicely.”

I felt a snide remark coming on so I just said “oh,” and left it at that.

“He said to bring you in to his office tomorrow around noon so you get to wear clothes tomorrow,” he added cheerfully like that would make me the happiest boy in the world.

“Well, that might be cool to go out for once, maybe we can go out to eat or something?” I asked timidly.

“Yeah, I can do that. Take you on a date. It will be fun, something new,” he smiled at me as he walked towards me. He said on the bed and climbed in under the covers laying down next to me and pulling me face first into his chest. “You scared me Hun, what was that for?” he asked me.

“I don’t know, I couldn’t breathe,” I said to him.

“Well, we’ll get you checked out tomorrow. Goodnight kiss?” he said lifting my chin so I was looking him in the face. I swallowed and I allowed him to kiss me, his tongue in my mouth knocking against my teeth him holding me there not letting me break the kiss until he was satisfied.

“Goodnight Hun,” he said letting me go and rolling over so that he was away from me.

“Good night,” I said rolling over so we were back to back and curling myself into a ball hoping he wouldn’t wake me up in the middle of the night for sex.

That night he actually didn’t, he let me sleep undisturbed and I only woke up when his alarm went off around 11:00 so we could get ready to go to the doctor’s appointment. He let me get dressed in a guest room by myself for once and we got in the car the ride there was quiet and fast.

We pulled into the parking lot of a little office downtown and I tried my best to look like a normal boy out, going to the doctors with his dad and my dad tried his hardest to discreetly remind me that we were going on a “date” after my doctor’s appointment. “I’m sure he’ll just give you an inhaler kiddo,” he said cheerfully as we checked in at the desk.

“Yeah, I’m sure,” I said my anxiety at an all-time high.

I had done some research while my dad was at work and learned that the FFCL was an organization of child molesters who were everywhere. Who knew if this guy was one of them or not. Any “friend” of my Da’s was not going to ever be a friend of mine.

“Johnathan, McGregor?” A nurse said coming through the door.

I looked at my dad and he smiled and laughed “You’re old enough you don’t need me to come with you do you?” He asked.

“No, I think I’ll be fine on my own,” I said getting up and following the nurse into an exam room.

“So what are you here for?” she asked looking at my chart.

“I was playing basketball last night when I all of the sudden couldn’t breathe my dad said I passed out but, I don’t remember,” I said.

“You don’t remember what happened?” the nurse asked.

“I couldn’t breathe a tightness in my chest and I remember trying to breathe in and I couldn’t like I had something choking me,” I replied.

“History of asthma?” she asked.

“Not that I know about?” I said back.

“Ok well, doctor will be in shortly, it’s a slow day so he shouldn’t be long,” she said opening the door and putting my chart on the door.

I sat in there for only a couple moments when this young guy who looked to be in his late 20’s walked in in a lab coat and smiled at me, my blood went cold.

“So you’re John? Nice to meet you,” he said offering me his hand I shook it.

“You know my Da?” I asked and he must have seen the look in my eyes because he folded his arms in front of him and pulled up the stool using his leg and sat in front of me leaving plenty of room between us.

“It’s not like that I’m not that type of guy. I’ve been working for them for a while but, I’m not into touching anyone who doesn’t want me to. I’m in it to be honest for the money and to offer help to those who want to take it, you understand?” he said to me quietly.

“Not really,” I answered honestly.

“I can get you out if you want me to. I’m only offering because obviously what’s been going on is causing you so much stress you’re having medical problems because of it,” he said.

“I can’t get out, I have siblings counting on me,” I said simply.

“How many?”

“Nine, I’m the oldest I do it he’ll leave them alone and make sure my uncle does to, I have to stay,” I said.

“That’s a lot to put on your plate for a 12-year-old,” he sighed shifting his weight.

“I’m almost 13, I’ll be ok,” I said, “Now give me an inhaler or whatever it is you’re going to do and let me go.”

“I need you to take off that scarf so I can check your lymph nodes,” he said standing up and cupping his hands like he was ready to feel my neck.

I took off the scarf and I knew what he saw, the bruises and hickies all along my neck and throat.

“Did that hurt?” he asked feeling under my ears and along the sides of my neck.

“Does it look like it? He was doing things to me when I found myself not breathing. I couldn’t get him to stop. Next thing I know I wake up in bed and he leaves me alone for the night for once.” I said.

“You scared him,” he answered simply taking his stethoscope and putting it under my shirt against my chest I flinched, “Sorry, it might be a little cold, deep breath please.” He listened to my breathing and my heart and then listened to the back without saying a word.

At one point he got a funny expression on his face and it was hard to read and I didn’t know what to think of that and then he listened to my lungs again, front back sides and then he pulled away. “The only thing I can think of is a very serve panic attack.” He said.

“What is that?” I asked.

“You get scared or stressed and your heart starts to race, your airway constricts and you feel dizzy can’t breathe and then your whole body just panics for air and sometimes that can cause someone to pass out.”

“So you’re saying he almost scared me to death? Why hasn’t this happened before?” I asked.

“You know that nasty bug that bites people at your age called puberty? It does funny things not just to your hormones and brain and reproductive organs but to everything else to. You can develop allergies you didn’t have before as well so I’d just be careful,” He said.

“Can you tell him I’ll die if he does it again?” I asked him.

“I can tell him to leave you alone for a while, since you look like you need to eat and sleep but, he wouldn’t listen to me past that and I wouldn’t be able to help you get out when you change your mind if you do? They would kill me if they knew I wasn’t “one of them” if you know what I mean? There are a lot of people very high up that are into this stuff and they can make me disappear as well as anyone else who wants to come after them, so trust me its better if I don’t say anything.”

“You’re right you probably shouldn’t say anything, if you did he might call off the deal and then he’ll go after my brothers so, it’s probably best you don’t.” I said.

“What deal?” he asked.

“I… I don’t want to tell you,” I said.

“My dad was one of them, I didn’t have any brothers or sisters but I know what they do John, you can tell me I won’t tell your dad, I won’t tell anyone I can swear that to you. I won’t even tell my priest,” he said reassuringly.

“If I don’t fight him he lets them go to school, he keeps my uncle away from them and from me and they get to live normal lives at least until my mom comes to the states with the younger kids. He said then he would see if he wanted to keep our arrangement or if it would change. She’s bringing my baby sisters with her when she comes so I think that’s why he’s rethinking it.” I said.

“I see, I can give you some sleeping pills to take at night and make it easier to sleep he might wake you up in the middle of the night still but, you won’t remember it,” He said pulling out his prescription pad.

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

“Ok John I’m going to be straight with you, you need sleep I can tell by looking at you you’re underweight you’re probably not eating like you should be and the paleness of your skin and the bags under your eyes tell me you’re not sleeping either. If you don’t take care of yourself, it’s not going to be too long before you can’t take care of anyone. When you don’t sleep and you don’t eat this thing happens called psychosis and it can happen at any age,” he said seriously.

“Ok, write it. I’ll try it,” I said.

“Thank you, remember to act like you don’t like me but that I’m the guy you want to come to, don’t make it sound like I’m your friend and your dad will keep you coming to me. Try not to come to my partner he’s not one of the good guys ok?”

“Ok, thanks,” I said taking the script out of his hands.

I nearly slammed the door when I left the room. I didn’t need this shit. I was tired and angry and I had to go on a “date” because I had been stupid enough to suggest it. That’s how I felt and I think it helped make me look pissed for other reasons so the doctor didn’t lose his cover.

“How’d it go?” my dad asked getting up from his chair in the waiting room.

“I had a panic attack,” I said simply, “He also said I look tired and I need more sleep."

“Well, we’ll get you to bed earlier then,” my dad answered as we walked out of the office, “Do you want Chinese? There’s this great place that we can go to, I think you’ll like it,” he said.

“ Yeah, let’s get Chinese,” I said not really thinking about my answer because who would think of an Asian child molester we got in the car and drove to this little part of town that I had never been before.

“This is our part of town my boy, we don’t have to pretend here,” he said to me smiling as I got out of the car.

“Pretend what?” I asked confused.

“That we’re just father and son that we don’t have a special relationship,” he said rubbing my shoulders.

I cringed. I couldn’t believe they had their own places that they went. But sure enough once we entered the Chinese place he flashed them a card and they took us to a back area.

I looked around and the whole place was dark I could barely see anything. Every table was surrounded in curtains so that the diners could have some privacy. Everyone spoke in whispers. A girl that had to be just a little older than me lead us to a table in the back and asked us what we would like to drink, my dad ordered two cokes and told her how beautiful she looked, she smiled coyly and said thank you and left us alone closing the curtains around us.

“So what is this a kiddie diddeler club?” I asked.

“Hey! Watch your mouth,” he said to me, “It’s just someplace we can come to get out of the house is all. The people who come here are just like me and you they enjoy being together. There are back rooms yes but, you and I won’t need that we can just go home. If you ever want a girl though just tell me and I’ll give you my card and you can come here, they have pretty girls or even boys that you can borrow for a little while.”

“Oh, I see,” I said with a bite of sarcasm in my voice this was completely disgusting. My Da had basically taken me to a sex club that severs Chinese food.

Once she came back she already had food ready, like our order had been called beforehand. “Would you like special for your son?” the girl asked shyly looking from my dad to me making sure he saw her barely developed breast as she bent over to grab something off of the table.

“No thank you sweetheart but can you send Denali over?” he said flashing her a 20.

“Yes, Mr. Sir” she said in her best heavily accented English and hurried away.

A couple minutes later as I was eating my fried Rice I felt someone come up behind me and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up, “Hello, Conner how are you?” the guy said coming around to shake my dad’s hand.

“Hi Tony, this is my boy I told you about, Johnny,” he said smiling and shaking the guys hand.

“He Johnathan you can call me Tony,” he said offering his hand to me and standing in the very dim light of the table lamp.

He was only slightly taller than I was and a hefty man with a beard of dark hair. He didn’t have any accent that I could tell and seemed way too pleased to meet me but I shook his hand politely. “Conner can we speak alone for a moment?” he said to my dad and they stepped into the darkness outside the curtains and whispered amongst themselves for a few minutes and then reemerged.

“Ok John come here and sit next to me,” my Da said so I got out of the booth and slid back in next to my Da who sat so close to me I couldn’t move without bumping into him, “Tony wants to make a movie and he wants you to star in it, I told him you’d love to,” my Da said taking a pot sticker and dumping it in his mouth. “You could say no but if you do our arrangement is off,” he said popping another pot sticker in his mouth and smiling across the table at Tony.

I could feel my face going as red as my hair, “But the doctor said that I should be careful for a while because I might have asthma.” I said and I could feel my breath catch in my throat just saying the words.

“It won’t be bad; they’ll all be gentle right Tony?” My dad said raising his eyebrows.

“The guys? Oh yeah they’ll treat you like a china doll I promise, it’s after the film when you’re with me that you might have to worry about.” He said and then laughed lightly.

“I don’t get it,” I said as the Chinese girl rushed in and grabbed a credit card and the bill off the table.

“Well, let’s go in the back and I’ll have the boys explain it to you,” Tony said grabbing me by the elbow while my dad signed the receipt the Chinese girl handed him.

“Wait, Da what’s going on? DA! Why are you letting him do this DA!!!?” I said as Tony summoned two men from somewhere in the room and they grabbed me and started pulling me into a back hallway while my Da went to go sit at the bar.

The hallway was just as dark as the restaurant and the guys moved so fast I barely felt my feet touch the ground. I had an idea of what was going to happen but, I didn’t want to believe that my dad would throw me to the wolves but, he had and he hadn’t given me any choice in the matter. I didn’t even realize I was crying until I saw Tony’s face again when they threw me on the bed in a very brightly lit room.

“If you’re going to cry we’re going to have to be rough you know? I need to target one audience or the other and your dad said you could keep it under control but apparently not.” Tony said to me and my tears almost quit completely.

“That’s a boy,” he said giving me this look that I can’t even describe like he knew he had complete control over me, “You’re going to do everything exactly as I tell you and so are they, I can make sure they are nice or I can make sure they are rough but that’s up to you and how you are as well you understand?”

“Yes,” I said swallowing hard.

“Good,” he said going behind a camera that was in the corner of the room, “Now stand up, off the bed and look to your right like you’re pleasantly surprised,” he said to me so I looked to my right, “I said surprised not terrified!” he shouted at me, “Much better”

To my right out of camera shot was a tall African American man wearing a leather mask he walked up to me and grabbed the front of my shirt and tore it off and I stood frozen. I couldn’t move I was so afraid. The guy grabbed me and titled my face up toward his mask and then Tony’s shouting brought me back.

“Don’t look so scared kid you seem like you’ve never seen a black guy in a mask before, come on just kiss him when he kisses back I want you to look like you enjoy it, like you want it,” he said to me.

I could feel my whole body starting to shake and I wanted to scream out to cry I wanted to beg but I felt I didn’t have the power to do anything. “I can’t,” I whispered under my breath.

“Tony he’s saying something,” the masked man said, “But I can’t hear what he’s sayin.”

Tony sighed and came into camera shot, “What’s goin on kid? Talk to me.”

“I can’t,” I finally found my voice, “I can’t do this! Don’t make me do this please! I really can’t do this!!!” I started screaming at him and I saw on his face a mixture of rage and sympathy.

“Ok boys you know what to do!” he said clapping his hands and going back behind the shot while two more guys came out each holding shackles. The black guy grabbed me by the back of the neck and forced me onto the bed where he bit into my shoulder blade and I screamed out in pain as I felt him draw blood and one of the other guys used the shackles to restrain my hands while the other ripped off my pants and handed the guy wearing the leather mask a condom.

Before I knew it some guy had his dick in my face and was shoving it in my mouth while the black guy straddled me from behind and shoved his dick up my ass. I would have screamed if I could have instead I found myself choking with tears in my eyes. Both of the guys were moaning and calling me a bitch or a pretty boy and I could feel myself tearing and the blood starting to run down my legs already as the man pushed harder into me I tried to pull myself away from the other guy my movement making him cum so he shoved me hard back onto his dick and moaned in delight his penis poking the back of my throat making me gag and it reminded me of uncle Ben I started pulling at the restraints attached to the bed and me trying to find a way to get them off of me so that I could get up and try and fight back and instead my other shoulder got bit.

“STOP IT FUCKER!!!” the man inside me boomed as he thrusted even harder and other man got up off the bed.

“PLEASE DON’T DO THIS!!!” I cried out finally able to speak while the guy finished inside me.

I could feel my face covered in cum tears and snot as I started shaking I could feel my airway closing up and tried to remind myself to breath and they undid one of my arms and let go of me I thought it was done and I tried to get up only to realize that one of my arms was still restrained I screamed pulling hard away from the bed and instead of breaking free I heard something in my arm snap and felt a sharp pain up my arm. One of them laughed and undid the restraint while another grabbed me by the hips and the backed me up onto a chair where the third man was playing with is erect cock and the positioned me so I slid right onto it easily.

“No, don’t” I pleaded as one of them got on his knees in front of us and took my dick in his hands.

He started blowing me as the other man bucked up inside me over and over and I knew I would probably cum even though I didn’t want to. It seemed to all happen so fast all I remember is when they were done Tony laughing and calling cut.

“Amazing!!! That will probably get the big bucks I mean, I thought the other one would be a winner but this one is gold!! Amazing!!! I nearly jizzed just watching great job!!” He shouted as I fell to my knees breathless, “Get him ready for the bath for me guys,” Tony said as one of them grabbed me by the elbow and helped me to my shaking feet. I was bleeding all over.

“Guys, we’re going to have to rinse him off,” the guy holding my left side said, “I’m sorry kid you did pretty well though you made it look real,” he muttered.

“They held me and rinsed me in a shower and then lowered me into a hot tub which felt good on my aching body I held onto the side and closed my eyes my arm barely working it hurt so bad, I was almost sure I had broken a bone just from the way it hurt to move it at all but I just decided to try and be quiet and hoped that my dad would come and get me soon.

“You were good kid,” I heard Tony say and I turned around and he was sliding into the hot tub next to me naked, “very good, come here sit on my lap,” he said pulling me towards him forcefully making my arm hurt as I tried to grab for the side of the hot tub.

“Don’t,” I said as he titled my chin up so he could look me in eyes and then he kissed me, slowly and his hands caressed my face while he stuck his tongue down my throat. He grabbed my penis rubbing it slowly giving me a hand job. I didn’t know what to do. My body was already so tired I could barely hold myself up so I let him do it using my good arm to hold onto the side of the hot tub. Before I knew it I had cum into his hand and he laughed showing it to me and wiping it on a towel next to the hot tub. He then let me go and moved away settling on the other side of the hot tub.

“For your age you are very well developed,” He said to me while I blinked back sleep.

I didn’t want to fall asleep in front of this guy but the water was making me tired and helping to numb the pain I was in. My body was screaming at me to sleep, to rest so I could heal but I couldn’t allow that, not now not until I got home.

“Ok,” I said my fighting to keep my eyes open.

“I’m serious that video is going to make a lot of money kid, I can offer you some of the profits if you like, of course we won’t tell your dad that but, he’s getting what he wants out of it so what does he care? We could do a whole series on you if you can learn to not look so terrified.”

“What is my dad getting out of it?” I asked my curiosity getting the best of me.

“Very high membership to our very exclusive club,” Tony shrugged.

“I’m guessing that’s not good news for me,” I muttered.

“Yes and no, if his membership was lower there would be more people you’d have to deal with more videos you’d have to be in your siblings you don’t even want to know what they would go through. This way you can ask for a supplement for your work, you don’t get as many freaks even though Anderson is pretty bad but your uncle now he’s a piece of work. You'll have the mark too but that’s just in case you run into someone who is lower that way they know they can’t mess with you,” Tony said

. “What do you mean, the mark?” I asked just saying the words made something inside me shutter and being paid to be raped that sounded just peachy (not!).

“It’s a branding,” Tony said.

“Wow, you mean like they put on a cow?”

“Exactly, it’s going to have your Last initial and your fathers rank, all of your siblings will have it too. Everyone gets one,” he said and then got up out of the water pointing at his left hip. There I could faintly see an old scar “DV”.

“Does it hurt?” I asked.

“Not nearly as bad as what you just went through,” he said, “Look I’m not a bad guy I like my partners to be happy, I don’t like to hurt people which is why I wanted you to look like you were enjoying it because I hate making those videos even though the guys love them.”

“You’re just as bad as the rest, don’t lie to yourself. Whether you hit and bite or kiss and caress it still hurts. It will always hurt and I think that all of you are sick,” I said flatly.

He pursed his lips as if he was taking in what I had said and mulling it over and then he reached into a cooler built into the hot tub and grabbed a drink out, “I like you kid, you’re honest a lot of us are too afraid to be honest when we’re where you are, you’ll work your way up and either decide to become one of us or you’ll go on with your life and use the connections you made to be the best of whatever you want to be.”

“I’ll never be one of you,” I said pulling myself up out of the hot tub and winching as I put too much weight on my hurt arm.

“Let me see,” he said coming towards me and taking my arm in his hands, “You see the bruising starting to pop up along here?” he asked tenderly touching the part of my wrist right below my left thumb where it was visibly swelling.

“Yeah,” I said cringing as he ran his fingers along it and turned my hand over slowly.

“It’s broken; it could be a splinter fracture. I’ll tell your old man and have him take you to the ER and get it looked at, you might need pins you pulled pretty hard,” he said hopping out and wrapping a towel around himself, “Go get dressed, I’ll talk to your dad.”

When I came back out to the restaurant area he was talking with my dad next to the bar and my Da looked nervous I walked up and heard them whispering “Look just tell them he fell; they won’t think anything of it. Huntz and Palmer do shifts at mercy take him there you’ll probably get one of them.” Tony said to my dad.

“All right let’s go,” my dad said.

We drove to the ER in silence he barely looked at me like he was ashamed or sorry for what he had done but, he didn’t say anything for a while once we were in the car. He took a deep breath and sighed a few times like he was about to say something but then those would only be followed by silence, like he couldn’t find the words he wanted.

Finally, we were around the corner from the hospital entrance the tall, huge building looming in front of us and he spoke. “You shouldn’t have pulled so hard to get away, they would have let you go when they were done,” he said sternly.

“You don’t get it da, do you? I WAS DONE, me not them me. I couldn’t take it anymore,” I said choking back tears.

“You think that was hard? Please John be an adult that was nothing,” he scoffed as we pulled up the entrance drive to the ER and found a parking spot, “Don’t mention the rest only mention your arm, I won’t be happy if you need to whine about everything.”

We walked up to the doors I was trying very hard to walk normally because everything felt like it was on fire all of my muscles were screaming at me to stop moving but, I had to walk in there and then into the actual examining room. I looked down at my arm to see what it looked like. My wrist was black and blue and bent at a funny angle, you could tell something was seriously wrong with it and that I probably had no use in that hand currently, the pain throbbed up my arm and into my shoulder and I wasn’t sure if it would ever be normal again looking at it.


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John ends up meeting someone who might possibly help Mum gets home joining the rest of the family in the states with the younger children before christmas. Will things start getting better? Or will it all stay the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again I don't have a beta, it's a long story I know I'm sorry it's just something I have been writing for a very very long time. Years. Things do get better near the end I promise but this isn't anywhere close to the end of John's point of view but only the very sad and dark beginning.

We got into the intake room and I was too tired and too far inside myself to hear anything being said really it was my Da making up excuses mostly, something about a skate boarding accident and when they noticed the marks that the shackles left behind there was a long discussion. And then they took us back into a room where I had to lay/sit on a bed and wait for the nurse and doctor to come by. I remember laying down on the bed and trying to relax through the pain now that my adrenaline was starting to wear off. A nurse came in and took our insurance information from my Da while I kind of blanked out watching the TV. Then she left.

My Da nudged my shoulder gently a short time later to get me to turn my attention to him and the person in the room. “Johnny this is Dr. Calvin and Dr. I’m sorry what was your name again?” My Da questioned the second man.

“I’m Dr. Jefferies the psychiatrist,” he said holding his hand out to me and then noticing I was in there for a broken wrist when he took a good look at the odd angle my wrist was bent at.

“Hello,” I said timidly.

“So a broken wrist there Johnathan?” Dr. Jefferies questioned.

“Yeah,” I said simply.

“It looks painful; how did you manage to do that?” he questioned.

“He loves to skateboard,” my Da answered him.

“Mr. McGregor, I know you love your son and want to help him but he is almost 13 right? So I believe he is capable of answering for himself if you don’t mind.” Dr. Jefferies said gently.

“I was skateboarding, I tried to ride a railing down and well, it didn’t go as well as I would have liked,” I replied.

“Are you sure that’s what happened Johnathan?” Dr. Jefferies asked.

I turned to look at my Da for reassurance that I was saying the right thing and Dr. Jefferies got in front of me blocking my sight line so I couldn’t see my Da.

“Why are you looking at your dad for approval? Are you not sure that’s what happened?” he questioned.

“No, that’s what happened. I’m sure,” I answered nervously.

“Ok then, well we have to make a report of this in your medical file, Dr. Calvin could you please take Mr. McGregor to fill out that extra paper work we talked about?” Dr. Jefferies said, “I’ll stay here with Johnathan and we’ll wait for you to come back to put his cast on.”

My Da left the room with Dr. Calvin and Dr. Jefferies casually shut the door behind them. I felt myself get nervous.

“Everything ok Johnathan?” he asked I took a moment to answer and could feel myself staring at him. I was terrified because at that point in time a closed door in my life had only meant one thing.

“Yeah, it’s fine.” I said quietly.

“Well, if I can be honest you don’t look fine you look scared,” he said “Is everything ok at home? Mom and dad getting along, everything ok with your brothers and sisters?” he asked coming closer to me.

He came so close I couldn’t help but physically pull away. “Mom is in London, she’s coming home during Christmas break,” I said.

“Are you afraid of me?” he asked his nose wrinkling curiously.

“No,” I lied.

He backed away from me slightly, “I’m having trouble believing everything is ok at home Johnathan because your body language is telling me you’re very uncomfortable and these marks…” At that moment he reached forward to grab my wrist and I moved away from him so fast that I accidentally fell off the other side of the bed/ stretcher landing with a crash on my ass on the floor.

“I’m sorry let me…”

“Don’t touch me!” I said with such force he backed up a couple of steps.

“Those marks around your wrists look like they are from being restrained, not from falling.” He reverted back to the previous sentence.

“I’m fine,” I said getting to my feet, “I need to go home.”

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” Dr. Jefferies said just as my Da burst in the door shouting.

“Really it was a skateboarding accident and I don’t understand why you think it’s a good idea to traumatize my kid over something that happened to him when he was seven. Put the cast on and let us go home,” my Da said.

“What happened when you were seven Johnathan?” Dr. Jefferies asked.

“He was raped by a pedophile. That’s why we moved to give our oldest son a fresh start after taking him out of boarding school because none of us could stand to even be in that country any longer,” my Da said.

“Is that true Johnathan?” Dr. Jefferies asked me.

“Yeah,” I said not making eye contact.

“Well, that explains a lot. The fear of being touched the vibe you’re giving off. Are you in therapy?”

“I was until we moved,” I answered.

“Dad you’ll be finding someone new I hope,” Dr. Jefferies said turning to my father with a serious look on his face, “If you like I can recommend someone for him to see.”

“Yes, we’re in the process of finding someone and no, that won’t be necessary we have a good idea of where we’re going to send him, his mother and I,” my da said as Dr. Calvin came up and started wrapping my arm in a plaster case.

“Ok, that’s it kiddo. You’re good to go since your dad signed the paperwork, keep it dry and make a follow up appointment with primary to get the cast off in six weeks. You are lucky it wasn’t worse. I’m actually surprised it wasn’t worse with the skate boarding accidents I’ve seen.” Dr. Calvin said as I hopped off the table.

“Thank you Dr’s. Let’s go John,” My Da said as we walked out of the room and down the hall.

He waited until we were out of sight and then grabbed me roughly by the elbow steering me into a rest room and making sure it was empty before he started yelling at me. “Did you just go fucking stupid Johnny what the fuck was that? You want to get taken away, you want to tear yourself from our family and put your brothers and sisters in danger? You need to try to act normal. If you don’t someone will pay and I can’t predict who it will be. In fact, we’ll be lucky to get home and find all of your siblings in one piece.” My Da said.

“I’m sorry! He tried to touch me and I just couldn’t…” he cut off my words.

“You couldn’t what? Not act like a like spaz? You couldn’t keep it together long enough to get out of there at a decent time?” he hissed at me.

“I’m sorry ok? I’m really sorry,” I said.

“You will be once we get home. I really hope your uncle didn’t do anything to any of your brothers John or you’ll pay because you know how hard I’ve been trying to keep them safe.” Just then a man walked in the door and my Da cleared his throat and we walked down the rest of the hallway in silence out to the car.

I went to go climb into the back seat just so I didn’t have to sit next to him but, he locked the door keeping me from entering the back seat. “Don’t even play those games Johnny, front seat, now,” he rolled down his window and said.

I reluctantly climbed into the front seat and did up my seat belt. The ride home was painfully silent and once we got into the driveway he locked the car door so I couldn’t immediately jump out and run for the door. I noticed the moment I put my hand on the door and just sighed and turned to face him.

“I’m sorry baby, I don’t mean to be so angry, and I just worry about breaking our deal because well, I like it.” He said softly giving me that weird look again.

I swallowed hard, “It’s ok, let’s just go inside. Can I have the night to myself?” I asked as the cars head lights timed off and we ended up in complete darkness out in the drive way.

My Da, sighed heavily, “I don’t know yet,” he said reaching over and undoing my seat belt wrapping his arm around my shoulders drawing me closer to him.

“Da, please. Please don’t,” I said I could feel my whole body tensing up as he tried to pull me into his lap.

“Hey! What was our agreement? Anytime I wanted right? Or else it’s off,” he whispered tauntingly, “No, Don’ts, No’s or stops.”

I bit my lips and nodded, “Right,” I sighed.

“Good now give me a kiss,” he said pulling me closer.

I allowed him to pull me into a tight embrace and then kiss me on lips and parted my lips willingly letting him slide his tongue into my mouth as he pulled me tighter to him. It took everything in me not to try and pull away as he pulled me so close and held me so tight I couldn’t move. I felt his hand slide down the back of my jeans and that was all I could take. I started instinctively fighting trying to push back out of his arms.

He broke our kiss, “If you do this, they don’t get hurt,” he said, “Let’s go inside.”

I had to force myself to breathe because I knew once we got inside he was going to hurt me. I could just feel it in my bones. I nodded fearfully and he allowed me to unlock my door and go into the house through the kitchen him right behind me when I went to go up the stairs he grabbed me gently by the wrist and shook his head pointing me to the basement. And opening the door he motioned for me to go downstairs.

I exhaled hard and went down the stairs into the basement all way to the bedroom at the end like I knew he wanted me to and then opened the door and walked inside. The lights clicked on behind me and the door shut. “Strip,” he said simply raking his eyes up and down my form as I lifted my shirt over my head and kicked off my shoes.

“Don’t be angry, you know why I have to do this,” he said simply licking his lips as I tore off my under shirt and undid my jeans pulling them and my boxers off in one movement, “On the bed,” he said.

I moved to the bed and set down on the foot of it and watched my Da undress and then come towards me where he sat down beside me and pulled out one of the ankle chains from under the bed and fasten it to my ankle. “Do you really have to do that?” I asked.

“Just in case, I don’t want to have to chase you all over the room.” He said making sure it was on tight but not too tight and then fastening the lock.

In one motion he jumped up and then was on top of me pinning my arms against the bed tightly as he started biting and kissing my neck roughly. I felt him clamp down with his teeth as if he were trying to draw blood.

“OUCH!” I yelled trying to push him off and realizing I couldn’t no matter how hard I tried.

His hands started roughly grabbing at every part of me it could find first my knees and then my thighs and then it grabbed my testacies and I cried out in pain as he squeezed them, “Sorry,” he whispered into my neck slobbering his way down my body until he got to my crotch where he proceeded to kiss the spot he had just squeezed too tightly. I gasped in surprise that being something he had never done before. He then took my length and licked it putting me into his mouth.

“Oh Da,” I gasped before I could stop myself and then instantly felt ashamed over the fact he knew I had felt something other than pain.

“Yeah?” he said taking his lips off of me for a moment and then went back sucking harder on me this time trying to draw out more noises or words.

I could feel tears of guilt and shame welling up in my eyes as I bit the inside of my cheek to keep myself feeling some pain so I couldn’t gasp, moan or sigh out loud. After a few minutes of silence from me he moved back up my body using his mouth and slid my legs apart forcing me into position so he could penetrate me using his fingers to get me ready before he did and slowly and gently. “Say it again baby,” he moaned kissing my ear as I squeezed my eyes shut tight trying to send myself someplace else mentally. Anyplace else.

I found myself unable to keep biting into my cheek and my breath coming in heaving gasps as he started to thrust into me, “Come on baby, you know you want to say it again,” he whispered biting my ear lobe as he started to thrusts harder and faster.

“Da…” I gasped again but it caught in my throat as I started to cry trying to keep my voice from shaking. He was raping me and my body was liking it I felt so sick inside. I knew it was wrong, I knew it shouldn’t feel good and yet it did my whole body was tingling with pleasure as he pushed harder and thrusted faster and kissed rougher I could feel my mind screaming at me that this was wrong the whole thing was wrong that I was sick and disgusting and that I shouldn’t be liking this the way I was but, I couldn’t stop my body from feeling what it was feeling as he thrusted one last time and I came all over him and myself.

“That’s it baby,” he whispered into my ear as he pulled out and trailed his kisses back down my body taking me back into his mouth again and sucking at me until I climaxed again and he climbed onto the foot of the bed. After the second time I was out of breath and my lungs felt raw from trying not to cry. My Da, crawled up and collapsed next to me, “That was amazing baby. I didn’t realize you could cum that much!” he said looking at me smiling and trying to pull me close.

“Please could you not touch me,” I said trying to curl into a ball as my voice caught in my throat.

“Shh…, it’s ok that you liked it you’re supposed to like it. There is nothing wrong with it feeling good baby I promise, it’s what I wanted,” he said trying to pull me into his chest.

“Da, NO! Don’t touch me, please,” I said starting to sob.

My Da stopped dead and just froze, “What did you just say?”

I was too busy crying to realize what I had just said or too tired to care and then he shouted.

“DID you just tell me no?” he whispered dangerously, “NO?!” I froze.

“Da, I’m so…”

“I wonder how Will will feel about that should we find out?” he sighed getting up off the bed.

“Da? Da? DA please! I said getting up off the bed and trying to follow him to the door way reaching the end of my chain and tripping myself to the floor as he slammed the door.

I closed my eyes tightly “please, please, please, please, please!” I screamed out.

There was no sound in reply, he didn’t come back there was only silence while I sat there and waited on the floor attached to the foot of the bed by my ankle. After about ten minutes I heard something outside the door and then it opened and there was Will rubbing sleep out of his eyes followed by my Da still naked.

“John what’s going on?” Will asked suddenly wide awake.

The door slammed shut grabbing Will’s and my attention, “Ok John is that still a no? Do you still want your brother to join in the fun or are you going to say ok da you can make love to me?”

“What?!” Will nearly screamed now wide awake, “Da, leave him alone!”

I cleared my throat, “Will, its fine,” I sighed and then turned my attention to my da. “Ok Da, you can…” I swallowed trying to force the words out of my mouth without my cheeks turning red and failing, “make…love to me.” I said trying to avoid Will’s stare as he gaped at me open mouthed.

“Yes?” My da asked me happy that I said it.

“Yes,” I hung my head in shame.

“And Will is going to watch” he stated simply.

“Wha…?” Will made a noise his eyes darting between me and da with horror as realization dawned on him. “Da, you want me to watch you…? I really don’t…”

“Would you like to join us then?” my da growled, “NO? Ok then sit down and that chair don’t look away and shut up!” my da said walking over to the bed and looking at me expectantly.

I slowly got up off the floor and hobbled back over to the foot of the bed. I sat down next to him visibly tensed. As he embraced me and started kissing my neck again as my brother fearfully caught my gaze and I could feel myself return the same face.

“Just like before, ok?” he said kissing me harder and pushing me back down onto the bed.

It took everything in me not to fight him but I knew if I did fight him even the tiniest bit he would pull Will onto that bed next to me and rip off his clothes and rape him too. This time he didn’t squeeze me but, everything else was the same, everything he did to me was the same expect when I didn’t respond the way he wanted me to he sucked harder until I screamed out in pain and started crying and then he raped me until I bled. I thought after he came he would have been done but he wasn’t and he could tell I was so he grabbed Will and all I could do was turn away as I listened to Will scream through a clasped hand over his mouth as my da raped him beside me anyway even after all of his promises and all of his swearing he wouldn’t hurt any of them or let uncle Ben hurt them he did it anyway. I could tell when my da was finished because he got up to use the bathroom and then laid down in the chair Will had been originally occupying.

Once my da had started snoring I figured it might be safe to roll over. Will was laying on the bed in the fetal position facing me staring blankly into space. I wanted to comfort him but knew there was no comfort I could give him.

“Will? Will I’m so sorry,” I barely dared to whisper not expecting any type of response.

“It’s not your fault,” he mouthed back his eyes still staring wide at nothing.

Da stirred from his sleep and sighed “Oh sorry guys you can go,” he said looking at us and rolling over to go back to sleep.

Will got up and then realized I was still chained to the bed. “Da?” Will asked, “Could you unlock John so he can come too?”

“Oh yeah, sorry” he yawned and got up getting the key off the hook on the wall and unlocking the chain around my ankle releasing me.

“Thank you Da,” Will said grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the door as da laid down on the bed and said “Thank you boys! Goodnight”

“Come on John let’s get upstairs,” Will said shutting the door behind us.

“I failed,” I said stopping dead in my tracks.

“No, you didn’t, the only people who have failed us is them. You told me about your deal with him and you did everything in your power to keep it, he’s the one that broke it not you,” Will said pulling on my hand to coax me up the stairs.

Once we got to the second floor I was so numb I couldn’t think anymore and Will just pulled me into the bathroom with him and turned on the shower pushing me into the steaming water. I scrubbed carefully and quickly so I could keep my cast as dry as possible and got out so Will could shower as well. After he was done we both grabbed towels out of the linen closet in the bathroom and went to our separate rooms.

I don’t remember falling asleep that night but I must have at some point because I was stirred from my sleep the next morning by someone rubbing my shoulder and leaning close to me to whisper in my ear, “Our last day together for a while babe,” my da said as the hair on the back of my neck stood up and he rolled me over onto my back.

I opened my eyes and looked at him looming over me as he straddled my waist as if I were his lover and not his son. “Morning,” I mumbled blinking as the light from the window hit my eyes.

“Good morning,” he said lowering his naked body to press against my still naked body.

“Da…” I said as he lowered his knees into the pressure points on the inner part of my elbows and I flinched.

“About last night, I know I broke my promise and I’m sorry,” he said as I grimaced in pain, “I couldn’t help myself though, I knew you were beyond finished and I wasn’t so I decided to get my needs met in other ways.”

“Yeah,” I rolled my eyes in disgust.

“I can make it up to you? Make you feel good like I did last night before you made me angry?” He said leaning so close his lips were inches from mine as I grimaced in pain again when his weight shifted on my arms. He waited and I didn’t say anything, “Is your silence a reluctant consent?” he asked finally unpinning my arms.

I bit my lip thoughtfully, “May I use the D word?” I asked.

“To tell me not to do something or to refer to your feelings and wants?” he asked back.

“To express my feelings and thoughts,” I sighed.

“Then yes, you may. Thank you for remembering to ask,” he said.

“After last night I won’t be forgetting to ask anytime soon, I promise,” I said stiffly. “I really don’t want to do that.”

“You say that like I’m giving you a choice,” he replied coldly leaning forward and putting all his weight into me.

“I know you aren’t giving me a choice; I was telling you how I feel.”

“Feel this,” he said leaning in and biting my neck and then licking the same spot.”

I closed my eyes and shuddered. “Please Da.”

“Your mom will be home tomorrow you know? It will be our last full day for a while. It’s just one last day let me have it,” he said leaning in and giving me a gentle kiss on the neck his hand moving down to grab my hip, “Don’t make me beg you. I really want to show you instead,” he said reaching down and grabbing my penis with his other hand and starting to rub.

“Da,” I gasped as I tried to push his hand away.

“Don’t fight it, that’s it baby, give in to it.” He said kissing down my body once again as I tried to keep from making noises and I tried to keep myself from crying, “Shh… don’t cry baby its ok to like it, and it’s ok that it feels good. I want it to feel good, I want you to feel good baby,” he whispered into my belly button.

“It doesn’t feel good,” I started crying as he took me into his mouth and started blowing me again and blew me until I came while I cried.

“it did, your seed is all over me so I know it felt good and that’s ok baby, I want you to feel good, you’re my special boy.” He said pulling me close and holding me cuddling me like I was with him romantically and not his child.

After a while he sighed into my skin and picked up my casted arm looking at it. “I’m sorry they broke your arm kid,” he sighed.

“You know it wasn’t really them right?”

I felt him shrug, “It might as well have been, your uncle Ben talked me into it you know? He said there aren’t enough red heads in the videos he watches and you are one sexy redhead. I agree with him on that.”

“Uncle Ben could talk you into shooting your own foot off Da,” I sighed going to get out of bed when he pulled me back down.

“Your mom used to say that to me when you were a baby,” he said reaching and grabbing my dick.

I squeezed my eye shut and grabbed the top of his hand to let him know that wasn’t something I wanted, “I don’t remember that.”

He started playing with me again, “You have no idea how much I love you,” he whispered into my ear.

I can’t remember most of the day after that but, I don’t think I left the bedroom until the next morning when I heard a baby screaming as my mum came in the front door. I remember being sore as I quickly got dressed to go downstairs, in a hurry knowing that when I got down there mum would be there hoping things would be better. My heart felt lighter seeing that little head of shiny bright red hair about the height of my mum’s knee as I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes.

“CATHIRINE!” I almost squealed like a little boy.

God that little face always made me smile my first baby sister was so special to me. “John!” she said in an audible little girl voice.

She seemed so grown up even though it had only been around 3 months. She ran to me and jumped into my arms, her purple coat making her seem even heavier than she was.

“Oh I’ve missed you Cat, how have you been?”

Cat wrinkled her little four-year-old nose at me, “Loud,” she said gesturing towards mum and the babies.

It had to have been she had been the oldest in the house James being with us as he was seven at the time. So Andrew and Laura were around 2 and Malachy around 1 or so with Seamus and Mary only being 2 and half months old. Just then my Da came rushing down the stairs fully dressed, “And there are my little ones, let me see these gorgeous babies!” he said lifting one out of a car seat with soft red downy hair on their tiny head.

“That would be Mary,” Mum sighed happily.

“Oh hi there wee girl, I’m your Da,” my Da cooed at her happily, “Another redhead just like your mum huh?” he smiled at the baby who yawned and moved slightly in her sleep.

“So how was everyone?” My mum asked looking at my Da who was ignoring her completely. When he didn’t answer she looked at me expecting an answer of some kind.

“Fine,” I said the smile immediately leaving my face when she looked at me.

“Ok, your da said he set up the nursery upstairs so let’s go up,” she said handing me a car seat with a child in it so I could haul it up the short stair case to the second floor.

“What do you mean upstairs mum?” I asked confused.

“You know, your floor for you guys,” she said lifting another car seat in her arms as I sat Mac down in the second floor hallway.

“I thought only you had the code to that,” I said, “We haven’t been up there…”

“What but you’re da said…” My mum started but my Da cut her off.

“Let’s not be silly guys and let’s just get these cuties settled in huh?” he said handing Mary over to Will who had come out to greet mum and the others as he grabbed another car seat, “There’s my other bonnie lass huh?” My Da cooed as he picked up Laura and she giggled at him happily.

Mum eyed me worriedly and then punched the code into the elevator where it sprang to life for the first time. And started putting babies into the elevator. I climbed in and so did Mum and Will leaving Da on the second floor. Once the door shut mum turned to Will and I, “So your da didn’t tell you where to find the code?” Mum asked us.

“No,” Will said, “he said you had it but he didn’t remember where you had put it or anything.”

“He said you guys let him up so he could help you get the nurseries ready for the babies,” Mum said.

“Mum. We’ve never been up here; we’ve been on the second floor. With Da and Uncle Ben.” I stated.

“UNCLE BEN? Your uncle has been here?” Mum looked at Will and me.

“Yeah,” Will said.

“And everything has been ok? Uncle Ben hasn’t hurt anyone?” Mum questioned.

Will and I were both silent for a moment. “Well, he touched James when we first got here but, everything was ok after that for the most part,” Will said looking at me but not saying anything about what Uncle Ben had done to me the not we had gotten there how he had taken me down to the basement.

“What do you mean the most part?” Mum asked fearfully.

“Well, John couldn’t wear clothes or go to school,” Will spit out before I could stop him.

“John?” Mum questioned looking at me.

“Will?” I said giving Will an evil look.

Mum sighed “Let’s get everyone settled then you and I will talk ok, John?”

“Yeah, we’ll talk after” I sighed.

I really didn’t want to talk to her about any of it. I was too angry. She wasn’t there and I did what I had to do and now she was going to be mad about it? What right did she have to be angry at me for doing what I had to do? I then thought about how he had whispered all of those things in my ear about how he knew I enjoyed it and how he knew I liked it. How he wanted to make me feel good and how much he loved me and I thought if Mum knew that would only make it worse. It would make her hate me even more and I could feel panic rising inside me.

I helped her get the babies settled in and as she was laying Mary and Seamus down I walked around our floor for the first time. There was a huge hang out room at each end of the hall and one bathroom for each bedroom. There was even what would have been considered a small kitchen with a fridge and freezer complete with pantry for food and a breakfast counter with five or six high chairs and booster seats stacked in the corner next to a small table. Will had turned on a big screen TV after he had gone downstairs to get Mikey, Matty and James and they were watching a movie when mum came out of the nursery and quietly shut the door behind her.

“John come here,” She said walking over to a bedroom and opening it.

The bedroom was amazing the walls a light gray with posters and pictures of my favorite football (soccer) teams on the walls. She set down in a chair next to a desk that was tailor made to fit neatly in the corner. “What did Will mean you weren’t allowed to go to school or wear clothes?” she asked.

“I did what I had to,” I said almost so quietly she couldn’t hear me.

“What?” she asked.

“I did what I had to,” I said a little louder this time.

“What does that mean John?”

“Da’s version of “if I say jump you don’t ask how high you just jump,” I said as I could feel the tears of anger starting to well behind my eyes.

“John, I’m not sure I understand,” My mum said.

“Do I have to spell it out for you, I kept him happy he made sure Uncle Ben didn’t hurt anyone. He made sure everyone else was left alone.”

“John are you saying…” I cut her off.

“I shared a bed with him mum,” I said simply.

“Oh, John…” was all she could say as she put her head in her hands, “He promised he wouldn’t do this. That you would all be safe.”

“Yeah? Well he doesn’t keep promises well trust me.” I said bitterly.

“Are you ok?” She asked.

“Do I seem ok? I’m beyond tired mum my whole being hurts in so many different ways I’m not sure I can explain it.”

“Did your Da break your arm?”

“I’ll tell you what he made me tell everyone else because I don’t feel like talking about that right now. I broke it skate boarding.” I said.

“But, you don’t skateboard.” She said.

“Really?” I huffed.

“Young man don’t you give me attitude.”

I scoffed, “you lost the right to say that when you left me here to take care of everyone. Mum I’m not going to sugar coat it for you anymore he fucked me ok? He didn’t just “touch” me or “make love” to me or “sleep” with me, he FUCKED me and he did it anytime he wanted to.”

“You think I left you with him so he could do that to you? I left you with him because I thought you would be safe. He’s your Da John he’s supposed to love you and keep you safe not hurt you.” My mum sighed.

“Funny,” I scoffed.

“What’s funny?” she asked.

“Nothing.”

“John, I’m sorry I promise you…” I cut her off.

“Don’t promise me anything, no one I know ever keeps their promises,” I said.

“I will get us out of here, the babies need to get a little older but, I will get us out of here all of us,” she finished firmly.

“I just want to sleep,” I said getting up to head to the elevator.

“John where are you going, this is your room,” She said.

I stopped and turned around, “I almost forgot this is our floor.” I said, “What happens if…”

“If the babies cry I have a monitor, I can hear it and I will come up and take care of it. I’ll take care of everything I swear to you.” My Mum said and she came towards me.

I reluctantly let her kiss my forehead and hug me. “I’m sorry I’m such a horrible mum you deserve so much better then what I can give you,” she said.

“I’m sorry too mum,” I sighed.

“You didn’t do anything wrong John; you have nothing to be sorry for. Try to get some sleep ok? I’ll check on you later when I put everyone else to bed,” she said shutting the door behind her.

I pulled the bed covers back and climbed in. I laid there unable to sleep for what seemed like forever and eventually got up in the pitch black to get a drink of water from the mini kitchen. The house felt insidious to me like something was watching every move I made. I looked around for a clock of some kind it was 3am and everyone had to have been dead asleep. I heard a noise then and froze.

The sound was coming from the pantry in the kitchen and I swear I nearly pissed myself with fear as I slowly and carefully put my glass on the counter and backed out of the kitchen not taking my eyes off of the pantry. The pantry door slid open slowly and I saw my Uncle poke his head out and look around he spotted me and a wicked smile spread across his face that made me feel sick to my stomach.

“Hey Johnny,” he whispered, “this is an awesome little secret your da built here isn’t it?” he said sliding out of the pantry the rest of the way and coming towards me.

“Uncle Ben…”my voice trailed off.

“Nahuh, mummy’s home that means deal you had with Daddy is off my boy,” he said and before I knew it he had me backed up tight against a wall.

“Can this wait for another night?” I asked as he grabbed my cast and other bare wrist and forced them above my head forcing my legs apart with one of his knees so that it could brush against the crotch of my PJ bottoms.

“But, I’ve missed your ass so much. I suppose I could always go get James to help me out. He has a sweet little ass. He does cry an awful lot though,” he said.

I felt a lump in my throat “You’re lying right?” I accused and prayed he was lying, “You didn’t.”

“Why would I lie? You my boy, were four and James is six,” he sighed putting both his hands on my shoulders.

“I was 8 the first time you had sex with me,” I said.

Uncle Ben just smiled like he was silently laughing, “Yeah sure you were 8.”

I felt like he had just punched me in the gut. There were things I didn’t remember. He had raped me when I was that little and I didn’t remember. I shook my head violently, “No,” I said.

“Yes, and you were so sweet too. You screamed so loud and it made me cum so hard, you were so tight I barely managed to get inside. After that I stuck to your mouth because I was so afraid I was going to rip you apart next time I did it,” he whispered pushing me even more tightly up against the wall as he stuck his tongue in my ear and covered my mouth with his hand as I screamed out and tried to push him away.

“No we have to be quiet Johnny, wouldn’t want to wake anyone would we?” I gulped and nodded my head as much as he would allow me to as he moved his hand away from my mouth, “Let’s go downstairs.” He pulled the pantry door open and pushed on something in the corner of the self and the shelf slide to the side revealing a small stair way and he pushed me inside the stair well and shut the door to the pantry a few moments later the secret door slide closed behind us.

“I wish your Da would have built better stairs these are really steep so be careful,” he said patting my butt lightly as we started our descent down the stairs.

I took a deep breath trying to calm myself as I thought of throwing myself forward down the stair case just so I didn’t have to be with him. So I didn’t have to feel him touch me in the most private places of my body once we got all the way down the stairs. I remember feeling so tired I was numb and was just ready for everything to be done. Before I even realized I was walking down the stairs the stair case had ended behind another hidden door. He reached along the side of the wall until he touched something and the hidden door slid open. I found out then that the stairs were also hidden behind the pantry in the downstairs kitchen which was right above the basement entrance.

He stepped forward forcing me out into the kitchen proper and allowing everything to slide back into place hiding itself once more. I stood there in my PJ’s shifting my weight from foot to foot hoping he might change his mind or something would happen but, nothing did. He looked at me as if he were hungry.

“Uncle Ben?” I questioned, pleaded with him not to take me downstairs.

“Going to be shy?” he smiled at me, “You’re mine you know how this goes.”

I just nodded in response, closing my eyes trying to steady myself because I could feel every cell in my body shaking, screaming at me to not let him touch me. I felt like I was going to be sick like everything was pointless. I just wanted out I wanted anything to get me out of there.

“I have an idea,” he said walking over to the liquor cabinet and pulling out a large glass bottle of hard liquor. I stood there in a stupor, not exactly sure what he was getting at when he set the bottle on the counter and pushed it towards me.

“Drink,” he said simply, glaring at me as if it were the most obvious action for a 12-year-old to take when a bottle of hard liquor was presented to him. I could tell he was running out of patience and that this was probably his way of trying to calm me down.

I took the bottle by its long neck and tipped it to my lips the liquor burning as it hit my tongue then throat and last stomach. I choked on the taste of it, like nail polish remover mixed with something burnt and sickly sweet I coughed and set the bottle back down after a single swig, “What is that?” I asked frowning at the bottle.

“Bourbon. Drink some more,” he said putting the bottle back in my hand and helping me tip it so it was above me.

He held the bottle to my lips forcing me to drink a large amount until I felt like I was about to vomit and couldn’t swallow any longer. When he decided I was done he put the bottle down on the counter and grabbed me forcefully by the elbow and started heading towards the basement as if he were in a hurry to get me downstairs before the alcohol started to take effect. About half way down the stairs I started to feel this warmth spreading throughout my body starting in my gut and traveling up my chest and then outwards towards my limbs and upwards towards my face. By the time we got to the end of the hallway I was feeling dizzy and my limbs were heavy. I tried to ask him something but, whatever I said I don’t remember my tongue felt heavy in my mouth and whatever I said I don’t remember understanding. I think my speech was slurred because I heard him chuckle as he opened the door, “that was fast,” he said happily.


	4. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mum is home but does that mean things are going to start getting better or worse? John struggles with the emotional turmoil of feeling like he was thrown to the wolves and mum starts to become more aware of exactly how Connor feels about their son.

I don’t even remember him taking me to the bed but, next thing I remember I was pushed against it naked with him kissing up and down my body in a frenzy. I know he raped me but, I don’t remember it happening. I think by then I was too drunk for my brain to remember or I have blocked it out but next thing I remember my head felt like I had been hit by a 60-pound brick and it was hours later and I was waking up with his arms wrapped tightly around me while he spooned me.

The moment I opened my eyes I felt like I was about to vomit and I launched forward so I could throw up beside the bed instead of on it. I heard him laugh behind me.

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll make sure it gets cleaned up later,” he said pulling me back into his arms.

I could feel him press his penis against the small of my back and I pulled at his arms trying to get them to release me, “Don’t do that,” he said squeezing me even tighter making stomach acid shoot from my stomach into my throat which I had to force myself to swallow back down so I didn’t throw up on myself.

“Big hang over huh?” he smiled at me moving so I was under him, “I can make you feel better,” he said leaning forward and biting gently into my neck as he pinned my arms above my head squeezing my wrists tightly together in one hand while he reached down and grabbed my penis with the other one starting to stroke it.

“Please,” I moaned before I could stop myself.

“Please? Please more? Ok,” he said letting go of my arms and moving down my body putting my penis in his mouth and started to perform oral sex on me aggressively.

“NO!” I nearly screamed reaching down to try and push him away.

That’s when I felt his teeth graze the top layer of my skin and I froze knowing he would bite down if I tried to push him away again. At that point I stopped trying to fight and laid there squeezing my eyes shut trying to ignore all the sensations running through my body as I felt myself become erect. When I became erect he started stroking and sucking even harder starting to moan with me still in his mouth and he did this until I climaxed. He swallowed all of my seamen and then made sure there wasn’t a drop left on me before he stopped and allowed me to pull away.

“You’re always amazing,” he sighed coming up to my neck and forcing me to kiss him on the lips and then he laid beside me as my head pounded even worse than before. “You remember how many times I made you cum last night?” he asked reaching over and wrapping his arms around my waist tightly again, “You wanna see if we can beat it?” he asked biting my ear lobe gently.

“I think I’m going to be sick,” I said before I spontaneously vomited on the bed in front of me.

“Damn it Johnny,” my Uncle Ben sighed, “that really ruins the mood you know?”

“What the fuck is wrong with me?” I gasped as I heaved again covering the bed in more vomit as well as my chest.

“You’re hung over, get up drink some water, take some aspirin and you’ll be fine,” he said hitting me on the back with enough force to send me forward into the vomit so if I hadn’t of already been covered in it by that point I was. “And go take a fucking shower, you’re covered in it,” he spat at me as I stumbled to my feet and over towards the bathroom.

I turned on the shower and allowed it to warm up and then stumbled into it. The light stinging my eyes as my headache attacked me All of the sudden the lights dimmed behind my closed eyes and for a moment I was grateful until I felt the air shift as the shower curtain opened.

“Don’t,” I said plainly as he pushed me hard against the shower wall and forced me to spread my legs, “No, stop!” I grimaced as he pushed inside of me and held me tightly against the wall as he started to thrust and moan.

That time he finished quickly and then washed himself and washed me off as well. He threw a towel at me after he climbed out of the shower and then sighed, “You’re lucky you know? I could have hurt you there you almost made me really angry,” he said I started drying myself off.

“I’m sorry,” I said as I hung the towel up on the hook on the bathroom wall, “May I go?” I asked.

“Sure,” he said turning away from me as if he didn’t care.

I opened the door and walked out into the red room and opened that door as well shutting it behind me and hurrying down the hallway and up the basement stairs before he could change his mind. When I emerged in the kitchen no one was out there yet but I thought I could hear someone in the living and when I went out into the living room to go upstairs to the second floor I found out I was right. There was my mom right there in the living room feeding Seamus when she saw me she looked at me confused for a moment and then it dawned on her why I was naked using my hands to cover myself and why I was downstairs.

“Where is he?!” she nearly hissed out of anger not at me but at the situation and my Uncle.

“Mum, leave it alone,” I said starting to ascend the stair case up to the second level so I could take the elevator up to our floor.

“No John where is he?” she said putting Seamus down in a baby swing and turning it on.

“Mum, please I have a killer headache,” I sighed turning around to continue heading back up the stairs.

“John let me help you,” she said, “Now where is he?”

“Mum how the fuck are you going to help me by getting yourself hit? Are you crazy?” I exploded.

“Johnathan, don’t you talk to me like that!” she said indignantly.

“Mum, I’m tired, I’m sore I have a headache, I would like to lay down,” I said, “And did you happen to notice I’m naked?”

“You also look like you got the snot beat out of you,” she sighed, “your neck looks horrible, did he choke you?” she frowned worriedly.

“I don’t remember he had me drink bourbon before he…” I sighed really wishing I had clothes, “Can I go upstairs?”

“You’re saying he gave you alcohol?” she said so loud Seamus started to fuss.

“Mum, may I go upstairs please?” I asked.

“Yes, I’m assuming he’s still downstairs?” she asked.

“Sure, whatever, I don’t know,” I said finishing my climb and hurrying down the hallway and around the corner towards the elevator. For a moment I was alone and then I felt someone behind me and thought it might be mum so I turned around to tell her to get out of my face only to come face to face with Da.

“I see your uncle and you spent some time together,” he said reaching out to touch some of the hickies on my neck as I backed away up towards the wall, “It looks like he had some fun too.”

“I don’t remember, Da please my head is pounding,” I sighed.

“So is that why the Bourbon was on the counter?” my Da questioned.

At first I thought he would be angry but then he sighed, “That’s a trick your granddad used to use when Ben and I were your age.”

“He did?” I didn’t dare to ask above a whisper.

Both my Da and uncle had horrible tempers and could be unpredictable especially when my granddad was brought up. Uncle Ben had mentioned a number of times that his dad used to do A or B with him like he was doing with me but, after I questioned him about it further one time he beat the shit out of me and that was the only time I had ever really dared to ask any questions about him or even mention him to my Da or uncle. My Da smiled sadly looking into my eyes, “Yes, he would make us drink enough to get us drunk so we would be more complaisant. The not remembering just happened to be a nice bonus,” he said tenderly touching one of the black and blue marks under my cheek, “I’m not mad just make sure you ask or let us give you some, ok?” he said leaning in close to me to the point where I slid down the wall a couple of steps to get away from him. “Come on baby, I missed waking up next to you. I thought with your mom home I wouldn’t but, I did. You can sleep it off with me, your hang over.” He suggested moving closer to me again.

“I would rather go upstairs Da,” I said as he grabbed one of my hands, both of which I was still using to cover myself.

I shuddered knowing what he was trying to do. “I know you want it,” he whispered pinning me against the wall and his body, “I know you like it. If you didn’t you wouldn’t moan like you do, you wouldn’t cum so hard,” he whispered right into my ear leaning so close it tickled as he tried to get me to move my hand so he could fondle me.

“I’m just really tired I would like to go upstairs,” I said again my whole body starting to tense as he started to kiss my jawline.

Just then I heard footsteps turning the corner and so did my Da because he backed away a couple of steps. “Connor?” My mum asked glancing between my Da and I.

“Yes dear?” My Da said to her without taking his eyes off of me.

“I want Ben gone,” she said shifting Seamus into one arm and grabbing me by the elbow pulling me towards the elevator.

“We’ll discuss it later Danielle,” my Da stated simply still not taking his eyes off me.

“Fine but if you’re not forcing him to leave all of us are leaving,” my mum said and at that he finally turned to look at her.

“You think you can take my children?” he said calm and coldly, “You really think you can support my children on your own? Someone who has never had a job and has no marketable skills? That’s a laugh. I’ll have your parenting skills questioned and have them back home before your car leaves the driveway. Don’t ever threaten to take my kids.”

“That’s not a threat, it’s a promise,” she said punching the elevator button hard as if that would make it come faster.

“Really? A promise you want to see a promise?” he asked ripping my mum’s hand off my elbow and grabbing my hips tightly grinding against me from behind in front of her as I cringed and my whole body tensed to the point where I had no neck, “This Danielle, this is a promise. A promise that I will fuck him raw and there is nothing you can do about it. I can also promise you he’ll love it.”

“Connor, stop it,” my mum said in the most commanding voice she could muster even though I could see the color drain from her face as I felt the flush start to spread across mine.

“You’re hurting,” I gasped as he dug his fingernails into my hips and my hands moved away no longer worried about covering my nakedness and more worried about getting him to let me go as I grabbed the back of his hand.

“Come on baby,” he whispered pressing his mouth against my ear as he forced me to back up and start backing down the hallway.The lump of anxiety in my throat barely allowing me to breathe as I tried not to cry.

“Connor, stop,” My mum said setting the baby down on the floor gently and coming towards us, “Connor you don’t want him you want me,” she said, almost pleaded, “Show me how much you want me to stay.”

“You see Danielle that’s the problem, I’m not sure I do want you to stay my kids however,” he said squeezing my hips even more tightly, “They are different story.”

“I can give you more though,” she begged, “Just let him go we can make another one right now if you like.”

“You promise?” he asked. “Yes, I swear right now, I’ll go in the bedroom and get ready John can take Seamus upstairs,” she pleaded with him.

“Ok, go on,” he said as she started to move towards the bedroom then stopped, “Go on, I’ll be right there,” he said as she turned the corner reluctantly.

He leaned in no longer digging his nails into my skin but rubbing my hips gently, and kissed me on the cheek, “I’ll be thinking about you the whole time,” he whispered releasing his grip on me and turning to follow my mom down the hallway.

I nearly collapsed to the floor and could feel myself starting to hyper ventilate as I pulled my knees to my chest. I took a moment on the floor sitting next to my crying infant brother and then the elevator button dinged and I gently picked him up bouncing him lightly to get him to stop crying as I stepped inside the elevator riding it up to the fourth floor. I was happy almost everyone was still sleeping when the door opened and I quietly put Seamus back in the nursery. When I walked back out of the nursery after checking to make sure everyone was dry and happy as I was walking towards my room Will opened his bedroom door stumbling out.

He rubbed his eyes sleepily and looked at me. “Rough night?” he asked.

I took a deep breath, “Yeah I’m going to shower and try to sleep it off because I feel like crap,” I mumbled.

“You look like you’re sick,” Will said.

“I’m not sick apparently I’m hung over,” I said opening up my bedroom door.

“Wha…?” he asked and I didn’t give him a chance to finish his question before I shut my bedroom door and went into my bathroom turning on the water to take the hottest shower I could stand.

After the shower I actually felt better and put on some clothes and then ended up climbing into bed and sleeping for what felt like forever. When I woke up I no longer had a massive headache but my body was still slightly sore as if it were remembering what my mind couldn’t and then I looked over at my arm and my soggy cast, I had probably gotten it too wet and now it was useless which could have been part of the reason my arm hurt so badly. I knew I was going to be in trouble and I wasn’t sure I could take being in trouble at that point so we hoping I could put off telling someone about the cast for as long as possible. I however was struggling not to use my arm and winced in pain every time I moved my wrist a certain way so at some point I went downstairs and knocked on my parents’ bedroom door.

I wasn’t sure who was going to answer and braced myself for a hit across the face just in case it was my da but it wasn’t it was my mum. She looked me up and down, already dressed to go to the doctor’s office or ER to get my cast reapplied and noticed the problem, “I’ll call the doctor’s office,” she said very matter a factly and calm and then shut the bedroom door.

When she came out she ready to go as well and we were taking the elevator upstairs to the fourth floor. Will was awake in the family room watching TV in front of the big screen while little ones had started to gather around him on the floor no one seemed to notice our appearance until mum said, “Will,” and summoned him over to us.

“I have to take John to the doctor,” she said hurriedly, “We won’t be gone long if your Da tries to call anyone downstairs through the intercom don’t let anyone go, I want everyone to stay up here. Don’t let him or Uncle Ben upstairs. Take care of everyone and be good. I love you,” she said before she turned around with me and got back on the elevator taking it back down to the second floor where we took the stairs to the first and left through the back door which was normal routine.

“I’m sorry,” I said afraid to say anything else.

“Don’t be, it’s my fault,” she sighed, “it’s all my fault.”

Looking back, I didn’t understand why she always blamed herself for everything that happened but, I think I have a better idea as time goes on she felt responsible for our abuse in so many ways. In the way that she didn’t keep Uncle Ben away when we were little even though she knew he had problems, in the way she kept having kids in hopes it would fix her marriage with our Da and in the way that she allowed herself to become so stuck she felt like she couldn’t get us away from such horrible abuse. The only thing that would have really prevented things from progressing the way they did would have been to leave Da behind the moment she had found out about Uncle Ben but, by the time she had realized that Uncle Ben was horrible and dangerous Da was no better, Da had started threatening and hitting her as well making her feel as if she had little to no control over the situation which by the time she decided she was better off cutting ties with Da and trying to struggle as a single mother with ten children had become the reality.

The car ride felt shorter than it had the three days before probably because I wasn’t on the defensive during the drive and the wait in the waiting room didn’t seem to take that long at all as well. The nurse called us back and this time my mum went in with me setting her purse down in a chair in the corner of the room and taking her compact out of it as soon as the door shut coming towards me with it.

“Mum what are you doing?” I asked frowning at her as she put powder onto her application sponge.

“You didn’t cover enough I can see the bruises through your concealer,” she said.

By then it had become common practice for me to use concealer from the makeup aisle of the drug store to try and hide all the hickies and bite marks that were constantly all over my neck or wear a scarf and apparently because I was trying to make sure I applied it one handed I either didn’t apply enough to satisfy my mum or hadn’t blended well. I already felt like a total freak for having to wear makeup and wasn’t exactly thrilled my mum was trying to put on more so I tried to move away, “Mum it’s fine,” I sighed trying to avoid her sponge.

“John just let me blend it please, I’m just trying to do a touch up,” she said dabbing the sponge at one spot to forcefully causing me to push her away a little harder than I intended.

She looked at me rather shocked with how hard I pushed her. “Sorry, it hurt,” I said sheepishly, “And this doctor knows anyway mum,” I said.

Before she could ask me how or why or any details really the same doctor from three days ago knocked on the door and then entered. “Mr. McGregor what did you get yourself into?” he asked looking at my chart and shaking his head when he looked up he noticed my mum, “Mrs. McGregor, it’s nice to meet you I’m Dr. Palmer.” He said offering her his hand to shake it.

My mom stared at him suspiciously, “He says you know? What do you know?”

He looked around the room nervously as if he was afraid someone might be listening and then lowered his voice to a whisper, “I know what’s going on and I would like to help if possible, now is not the right time to talk about this though,” he said placing a gentle hand on my mum’s shoulder and giving it a reassuring squeeze, he then opened up my medical file while he continued talking, “A skate boarding accident on same day you came to see me huh? I told you to take it easy, and skateboarding is not easy my young friend,” he said writing something down on a blank piece of paper in my file and then handing it to my mum, “But boys will be boys I suppose. Let’s have a look.”

He gently took my arm in his hand and felt the bones turning it over to look at it, “I’d really like to get the film on this, it feels like it’s a clean break though, I have to recast it and I would really like you to try to keep it dry, I can give you a special canvas to go over the top that you can slide your arm into when you decide to shower but please try to keep it dry this time,” he said, “I’ll be right back with the plaster.”

My mum sat in the chair and waited, glancing at the paper a couple times but not saying anything about it she sighed when she saw me watching her intently, “Are you ready to tell me how you actually broke your arm?” she asked.

I shook my head and looked away in embarrassment and shame. My mum knew things happened with my Da but how on earth was I going to be able to tell her what he had done? How was I supposed to look at her and tell her my Da had sold my body to someone who had filmed me having sex with other guys? It was bad enough he did it and she knew he did as well as my uncle Ben I couldn’t imagine what it would be like for her to know that he was letting other people do it too.

“I really wish you would tell me John,” she said, “There is nothing that you could do that would make me not love you or be upset with you. None of this is your fault nothing that they do is your fault,” she said just as Dr. Palmer returned with a tray with the things needed to apply a new cast to my arm.

“Ok Mr. McGregor, hold your arm out straight to your side,” he said demonstrating how he wanted me to hold my arm as my mum came up next to me.

She stared into my eyes intently and the look in her eyes was so hurt that I didn’t trust her but, I couldn’t anymore. She had left me with them, she had left us with them thinking it would be ok for some unknown reason and it had been anything but ok. I held my arm out and he started wrapping the plaster roll around my arm.

“I’m just tired mum,” I sighed.

“Did you get your dad to fill that script I wrote you?” Dr. Palmer asked me giving me a knowing look, “Yeah, that’s what I thought. You need sleep young man, fill the script and you’ll get some rest.”

“You gave him a script?” My mum questioned him.

“Well, as you know John doesn’t sleep well So I gave him a prescription to fill for a sleeping pill to take when he needs it but, John doesn’t like sleeping pills do you John?”

“With all due respect would you sleep well if someone had…”

Dr Palmer looked at me with raised eyebrows cutting me off because he knew what I was going to say. “Let’s watch the language here,” he cautioned.

“Fine,” I said flinging up both hands in resignation.

“Don’t move your arm again the plaster has to set,” he sighed putting my arm back where it was, “Anyway do you have to be lude?”

“She knows what’s going on, I was just going to say it,” I said.

“I think you could find a more delicate way to put it don’t you think she feels bad enough?”

Just then my mum cleared her throat, “ 1 I feel horrible, 2, yes please find a better term for it because dick up my ass is not something I like hearing and…” just then I cut her off.

“Well it’s not exactly something I like feeling,” I snapped.

“Respect your mother!” Dr. Palmer nearly yelled at me, “I know your situation is not ideal I get that ok? Trust me I get it but that is no reason to treat your mother like she wanted this to happen or like she’s just standing by and letting happen because I promise you that’s not what she wants and trust me when I say that because I’ve seen mothers that do sit back and let it happen.”

I sighed angry at being told off and being told about my own situation. “Sorry,” I mumbled with all the teenage angst I could manage.

“You already have all the attitude of a teenager and it’s not even your birthday yet,” my mum said.

“My birthday is in six days,” I reminded her.

“I know,” she said then nervously looked down at her watch, “We have to go before your Da realizes how long we’ve been gone,” she said grabbing her purse.

“Ok then, “Dr. Palmer said handing my mum something that looked like a small long raincoat, “Whenever he takes a shower have him put his arm in that and use medical tape to seal off the ends so that his cast stays dry for the next six weeks. It was nice to meet you Mrs. McGregor.”

“Thank you, I’ll make sure. It was nice meeting you as well,” She said nodding vigorously at him.

She then grabbed me by my now set cast and pulled me quickly out of the office and to the car and then handed me the note so I could read it, “Tomorrow Hathaway park noon,” was all it said.

“What does this mean?” I asked her.

“It means I have a meeting now throw it out the window, you should be happy you have a chance to litter.” I obeyed and threw it out the window.

“Mum, I don’t hate you.” I said.

“I know,” she replied, “You don’t help me not feel guilty though. I’ll figure something out we’ll get you into therapy. We’ll all get help.” She said.

We rode the rest of the way in silence and we were home before I realized it. The moment I saw the gate come into view there was a lump in my throat. My whole body tensed as we parked in the drive way and I jumped out of the car. Mum went into the house first and stopped in the open door way I almost told her to move but then saw over her shoulder and it was my uncle Ben.

“Hello Ben,” she said coldly.

“Hey Danielle,” he looked over her shoulder and smiled at me, “Hey Johnny.”

“Where is Connor?” she asked him.

“Depends, what can you do for me?” he asked smugly.

I balled my fist and could only think, oh shit she’s going to hand me over to him. I thought that because she hadn’t done her damnedest to protect me since I was young because she hadn’t had to when Ben was gone. When I had been at school and Ben had been gone my Da had been almost normal besides the occasional odd night and things had been ok and now things weren’t ok anymore but for some reason I was expecting her to act the same I was surprised when she looked him straight and the eye and said “No or I will tell Connor you want me to trade my kid to you for information about where he is,” she said.

“You think he’ll care?” he asked.

“I know he will. You might know him well but I’ve seen things I’m sure you haven’t,” she said.

I knew she was referencing what had happened in the hall way very early that morning and I felt my cheeks glow pink. That to me personally was something that wasn’t meant to be seen by anyone. Ever. And I really didn’t like that she had to bring it to my attention that she had seen it let alone let uncle Ben know she had seen it. My Da treated me very differently when other people weren’t around my Uncle knew it and I knew it and now my mum knew it too.

As long as I cooperated he was gentle and treated me more like a lover then a son or a victim and I let him because it kept me from getting beat on and from being tied down most of the time. It also allowed me to offer my siblings what little protection I could. These were things that Da hadn’t shown Uncle Ben very often but that he was aware of and it was something that Uncle Ben did sometimes use against me but at the same time I knew it gave me an advantage over my Uncle. I knew that there were certain things he couldn’t do to me that he was allowed to do to Will and the twins if I couldn’t convince Da not to let him touch them.

“He’s in the garage and your kids are where you left them,” he said.

“Good,” she answered, “John go upstairs” moving aside so I could get past her where she waited in the door way for me to go into the other room and waited to hear me start up the stairway before she said anything else. “I’m not stupid.” She said to him.

“Never thought you were,” Ben answered back.

“Leave them alone.”

“I have permission.”

“Now see that’s where you’re wrong Ben. You don’t have my permission to hurt my kids and you don’t have the laws. I want you to leave and never come back.”

“See that’s where you’re wrong Danielle. I know plenty of people that help me where the law is concerned, I am above the law and those kids. You think they’re yours? You just said you weren’t stupid but that statement, that’s not a smart one.”

“I’m a mother you have heard my roar but I promise you haven’t experienced my bite,” she said measuredly.

“Well just wait until you get a taste of mine. We’re not letting them go. Bring it up to him again and you’ll see how serious we are about that,” he threatened.

“Yeah I’ll see,” she said turning around and walking out the kitchen door toward the garage while I finished running up the stairs to the elevator hoping it would open before uncle Ben decide to see if I was still downstairs. I could feel that he was coming before I ever heard his footsteps and my heart was beating out of my chest when I turned around to see him just as the door opened.


	5. 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John learns more about his fate and is introduced to the brotherhood (FFCL).

“Don’t you dare!” he said as I backed into the elevator and started punching the closed button but I was too late and he climbed into that damn box with me and punched me hard in the stomach knocking the wind out of me. “You think you’re special, you and your mom think you have the right to talk to me like that,” he said this time punching me across the face while I tried to protect myself from his blows and he kicked me in the shin knocking me to the ground where he continued to kick me over and over in the stomach, chest and back, “You. Have. No. Rights. You. Are. Nothing.” He said landing a kick with each word as I tried to curl into a ball to protect myself and the elevator dinged back open still on the second floor because I hadn’t entered the code on the key pad.

He landed one last kick but ended up hitting my cast instead of my stomach and he roared out in pain as he recoiled from me.He then grabbed me by the neck and punched me hard in the face again. I knew he wanted me to scream but sometimes silence was better than screaming and I felt silence in this case would be better. He punched me one last time in face giving me a bloody nose and then dropped me the floor of the elevator and left.

I waited for the door to swing close again before I moved and then got up and typed the code into the keypad so the elevator started to ascend to the fourth floor. It was only a couple of moments but it felt like forever as I tried to breathe in through my bleeding nose and out of my mouth because my stomach was raw and I felt like I was going to be sick. When the door finally opened I didn’t even bother to try and stand but just crawled out onto the hardwood floor of the upstairs hall. I could sense that I had gotten someone’s attention and then I heard the crying.

“John! John! NO MAMA!” I heard her shrieks of terror as she watched me her little form hovering somewhere over me as she screamed for our mum who was currently not present.

Her screams brought everyone else who just happened to stare at me. Will finally came over and tapped me on the shoulder. “I’m fine, give me a couple minutes,” I said each word making me feel more and more sick.

“What happened?” Will asked.

When I didn’t reply he told Matt and Mike to take the little ones back in the family room including the still hysterical Catherine. When they were all gone I finally felt as if I might be able to speak but, I was wrong and instead ended up barfing all over the front of my shirt but after that my stomach felt much better.

“Eww,” Will said sitting down on the floor near me but not close enough to touch me probably because he didn’t want to smell the vomit and then he sighed, “Are you ok?”

I took a deep breath, “I think so,” I finally answered, “I… Uncle Ben got pissed and he decided I looked like a great punching bag.”

“That’s new,” Will sighed.

“Not really. When I was little I remember him hitting me sometimes like if I didn’t do what he wanted me to so I knew the temper was there I just wasn’t expecting it. Don’t you remember?” I asked.

“Not really, I remember a lot of hiding in closets. Like A LOT of hiding in closets and remember Da hitting on Mum but I don’t remember Uncle Ben beating the snot out of anyone.” He said.

“Well, he has before,” I said, “Maybe just not as bad because I was only little.”

“You sure you’re ok?”

“Nothing some pain meds and some sleep won’t fix,” I replied.

“Are you going to move anytime soon?” he asked me getting to his feet just as the elevator dinged meaning it was descending.

“Yeah,” I took a deep breath and then reached my hand out asking for help. He took my hand and helped pull me to my feet. My stomach on the inside no longer felt sick but my abs were burning and my nose was still bleeding only lightly. I must have looked like a nightmare because when the elevator door opened my mum nearly bursts into tears.

“Oh my honey!” she exclaimed moving to hug me as I pulled back.

She didn’t seem to have a reaction to it other than saying “let me get some ice,” and running to the upstairs kitchen to grab some out of the freezer and then ran back and put a chunk of ice wrapped in a dish cloth on my eye looking at my face closely.

“I could have sworn I gave you enough time to get up here,” she swallowed a lump in her throat keeping herself from crying.

“You did,” I said, “I had to eavesdrop.” I replied.

“What did you hear?” she asked.

“And I quote “we’re not letting them go” and then you said, “We’ll see” more or less something like that,” I said.

“Will!” Matt called from the other room, “Catty is upset and she won’t stop crying.”

“Mum, I think you are needed elsewhere,” I said meaning she should go look after Cat.

“You sure…?” She asked.

“Yes mum, I’m a big boy I promise I’m all right,” I said walking the length of the hall and going to hang out in the other family room for a while.

James was there playing with his piano just taping random keys because he had only had maybe two or three lessons through the school. Even then if you stopped and listened to him you could tell he had a gift and I wasn’t upset by the noise it was making at all. He noticed me sitting there and climbed off the bench to come sit on the couch with me.

“Are you ok? You look hurt.” He said staring at me closely.

“Yeah, I’m ok,” I said.

“You don’t look ok. You never look ok,” he said matter of factly.

I sighed, “Its hard work being a big brother,” I said.

“Is that why you all look so tired all the time?” He asked me, “Am I going to look that tired when the babies get bigger?”

“I hope not,” I said.

“I think it’s not being a big brother that makes you tired,” James said looking at me.

“What do you think makes me tired?” I asked.

“The stuff Da and Uncle Ben do.” He said simply, “That stuff makes me tired too.”

“Yeah, that’s a lot of it.” I answered surprised he was saying this so nonchalantly.

“I think they make you do stuff more, because it hurts a lot and makes me cry and you look like you want to cry a lot so they must make you do it more,” he said bluntly and then went over to the corner to grab a toy truck and play with it.

“What do they make you do?” I asked curious to see if he would answer.

“Bad things,” he said simply.

“What do you mean bad things?” I asked.

“The same stuff they do to you,” he said trying to play with his car.

“How do you know it’s the same stuff?” I asked.

“Oh they talk about it and tell me that you don’t cry and that I should be good like you and not cry,” he said.

“You want to know something?” I asked him as he looked over at me and I patted the couch besides me to get him to come sit with me.

“What?” he asked looking at me.

“Come here and I’ll tell you, nothing bad promise,” I said as he sat down next to me.

“What?” he asked again looking at me.

“They are lying to you,” I said.

“They are?” he asked.

“Yes, I cry.” I said honestly, “I cry every time. Maybe not always in front of them but I cry and that’s ok because what they are doing isn’t right.”

“And you don’t want to do it?” he asked.

“That’s right I don’t want to but, they are bigger than I am and I can’t stop them,” I said feeling the anxiety this conversation was causing me sitting in the pit of my stomach.

“But they stick it in your butt and stuff for real?” he asked his eyes growing wide with surprise.

“Uhh, yeah,” I said shifting uncomfortably.

“I’m sorry,” he said, “That hurts.”

“It’s not your fault they are mean,” I said, “And you’re right it does hurt, it hurts a lot doesn’t it?”

“Yeah, I cry and then they get mad and tell me not to and that you don’t but, you just said you do cry and that they are lying. Why would they lie about that?” he asked me.

“I don’t know. I have no idea I don’t understand them,” I said.

“Can I play with my trucks now so I’m not sad?” he asked me.

“Yes, you can go play with your trucks,” I said as he got off the couch and went back to his corner.

Just then Mum came down the hallway and entered the room sitting down in the spot James had vacated. She looked at me intently for a moment and then opened her mouth as if she were going to speak but then shut it again. She then waited another moment and did it again so I spoke first.

“Is she ok?” I asked.

“She’s settled down,” My mum replied, “She just got scared is all but, I think after a nap she’ll be all right.”

“Good.” I said.

“Are you ok?” she asked me.

“I’ll be fine,” I said.

“Well, you heard what I heard and I’m personally not ok,” She said.

“What part?” I asked.

“They have people in law enforcement making sure they don’t get in legal trouble? Since when and I don’t know what to think.”

“It’s true. I met someone in the airport, he’s a police officer or detective I think,” I said.

“And why do they think it’s ok to let people do this stuff? He must be just as sick as they are,” she sighed not even really thinking what she was saying.

“He is. He’s probably just as bad as Uncle Ben. I don’t know, I can’t remember,” I said and then my eyes widened in surprised at my own admission.

“You don’t remember?” My mom asked me worried.

My eyes stayed wide and I could feel myself start shaking. I tried to take a deep breath to hide it but could tell my tremors were becoming apparent to her because the more I tried not to think about it the more of it I was remembering. I could feel them touching me together, taking turns on me and I felt my breath starting to come in gasps.

“John? John?! John!” My mom said nearly screaming my name as she saw me starting to struggle, “John, your safe right now, no one is here,” she said to me trying to get my attention.

“Mum, what’s happening? Why can I feel it?” I said my panic raising even more.

“Feel what?” she said and then calmly looked at me, “John stay right here I’ll be right back,” she said leaving me and going out of sight.

I hugged my knees tightly and closed my eyes and I could still feel them touching me, I could feel the shackles on my arms and I could feel their mouths at my throat, their tongues all over my body. Just when I was positive I couldn’t get it to stop my mom reappeared with a glass of water and a pill and managed to get me to swallow.

“John, you’re having a panic attack but you’re going to be ok,” she said as calm as she could.

“Why can I feel it mum? This isn’t right.” I said again trying to breathe deeply starting to cry.

“I think it’s just a panic attack sweetie,” She said reaching out to touch my shoulder and watching me recoil. “John, let’s play a game,” she said looking around the room, “I spy with my little eye something red,” she said looking at me for an answer, "well come on look around find something red.” She said.

“Ok, huh,” I looked around the room and instantly started to feel a little better, “The toy truck?” I asked.

“Good, starting to feel a little more grounded?” she asked.

“I think so,” I said.

“You want talk about it?”

“What?” I asked.

“What you said, what you remembered?” I shook my head before I said anything, “No.”

“Remember when you were little and you used to tell me after every time I found out? And you felt better for a while?” she coaxed me.

“Yeah, I remember,” I said, “But it’s different now, it’s really different mum.”

“John, none of this is your fault. I know that you aren’t asking for it and you aren’t letting it happen because you want it. I promise I’m not upset with you; I promise I won’t be angry about anything you have to say if you want to talk to me.”

“No mum you don’t get it. It’s different just trust me. My body is, everything’s just different. I can’t talk about it.” I said.

“John, I saw the way your Da looked at you. I saw the way he pressed against you and I saw you. I saw how scared you were. Nothing about that look said you wanted him to touch you like that. I don’t believe you want anyone to do anything like that to you.”

“Mum you don’t get it,” I insisted tears starting to form in my eyes just thinking of saying it was beyond embarrassing, thinking of admitting to it.

“John, your da has forced me in the same way before and I promise you I do get it.” She said.

“No mum, you don’t,” I said shaking my head forcefully and repeatedly.

Mum sighed sadly “Honey you’re going to hurt yourself,” she said reaching forward and gently holding my neck still as she held me from behind against her body, “It is ok, it’s normal and you did nothing wrong.”

“No mum I didn’t fight hard enough, and…” I said as she held me close. “They never let anyone else help before I don’t understand why all of the sudden they are letting this other guy do things too,” it burst out of me before I could stop it and I started crying but I felt like a weight had been lifted off of me. My mum turned me around so she was cradling me like an infant and she rocked with me gently back and forth while she rubbed my head the way mums sometimes do.

“Its ok honey, its ok,” I felt someone else join our hug and then I heard a little voice beside us.

“Is John ok mummy?” It was James who had decided that my distress was enough he could not ignore it.

“John is just really sad James.” Mum said as James joined our hug and he wrapped his little arms around my leg laying his head against me knee.

“It’s not fair mum,” I gasped between my tears because at that point I felt it wasn’t.

I had never given them permission to touch me like that, I had never asked for it or said it was ok for them to have sex with me nor had I told them it was ok to allow other people to do the same thing. The only thing that might have hinted at any type of consent was the fact that I had climaxed and climaxed almost every single time they forced me. At the time I didn’t think about it as being anything other than my body betraying me and I hated myself for that.

“I know it’s not fair, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry honey,” She said starting to cry a little herself, “My poor babies, I’m so sorry.”

I must have fallen asleep in my mum’s arms because I woke up to find her still cradling me on the couch with the TV quietly playing in the background and James playing with his toy car once again. I must have moved slightly because my mum looked down at me. “Hey, honey,” my mom said looking down at me and she kissed my forehead as I pulled away from her, “Are you feeling better?”

I exhaled, “That’s the question isn’t it?”

“So you feel like you can’t tell me about it anymore?” she asked.

I shifted uncomfortably “Yeah.”

“That’s ok, I’ll figure something out,” she said to me looking at the clock on the wall it was way past bed time for certain people.

“James it’s time for bed,” Mum said looking over at him.

“Can John put me to bed?” He asked her.

“If he wants,” she said looking at me.

“Yeah, come on bud let’s get ready to go to sleep,” I said reaching down and grabbing his little hand letting him lead me down the hall to his room.

“You’re ok right?” James asked me as I pulled some PJ out of his drawer and he took his shirt off.

I slid the PJ shirt over his head and he laughed when I booped him on the nose, “Yes, I’ll be all right I promise.”

“They’ve never let other people touch me,” he said bluntly.

At first I didn’t know what to say exactly because I had forgotten for a moment they (young children) tend to hear everything you say even when it’s not supposed to be overheard or paid attention to, I just answered simply as I could, “Good and I hope it stays that way.”

“Me too, I love you John goodnight, you should get some good sleep because I think you’ll be less sad if you do,” he said.

“Yeah bud, I hope I get some good sleep too. Love you goodnight,” I replied tucking him in tightly and shutting the door behind me.

I then went into my bedroom. I climbed into bed and just laid down even though it wasn’t super late. I figured no one would find it super unusual because I was constantly tired. After all mum was home. I figured she would have things under control and she must have for the most part because I did fall asleep and didn’t wake up until sometime late the next morning.

I went out to the family room and there were babies all over the place and Will, Mike and Matt but no Mum Cat or James in sight and then I remembered the note mum had gotten from Dr. Palmer.

“Why are you guy’s home?” I asked checking on a sleeping Mary in her swing.

“Yesterday was the last day of school before break because our school rocks,” Matt said simply.

“Yeah, so we’re on baby duty while mum runs an errand,” Mike added.

“What we really need is a nanny,” Matt sighed picking up a binkie Mac had thrown on the floor.

Will sighed “It’s not rocket science you keep them from crying that’s all there is to it. If they are wet you change them, if they are hungry you feed them and so on…”

“What about the ones that wiggle?” Matt pointed out.

“You put them in the play pen and hand them some toys,” I said grabbing a crawling Andrew and putting him in the playpen next to Laura who he then started babbling to.

“What are you they saying,” Mike asked.

“Who knows,” Matt replied.

“You guys used to do the same thing,” I said walking back down the hallway.

“We did?” they said in unison.

“Yes it used to drive Will and I nuts because we wanted to know what you were saying and we couldn’t understand. I think it’s just twin talk,” I said, “I gotta find some clothes I’ll be right back.”

Most of the time was spent entertaining the babies and making sure everything was ok and watching blues clues. When mum came back home we knew it because the elevator was going off and she was ushering two young children through the door who seemed very happy to be home.

“John!” they squealed and then preceded to tell me about the park and how they played on the playground and met some kids outside of school and how it was so much fun.

After a while they settled down when mom gave them a snack and she told us four older boys to come into the other room with her for just a moment. I eyed her curiously but decided if it was just going to be a moment it wasn’t a big deal. “ Ok I talked to someone who wants to help us get away from Da and Uncle Ben but, I need you guys to help,” she said as we gathered around, “ These are journals and whenever they do something you need to write what it is they did to you and made you do and I mean as detailed as you can make yourself get, where they touched you what they touched you with, how you felt, if your body reacted a certain way ,” She looked directly at me when she said this, “ If there was anyone else there if you knew who that person was or what their name is and so on.”

“How is that going to help us leave?” Will asked his eyebrows raised.

“Its documentation so we can go somewhere Da and Uncle Ben don’t have ties in the police department and we’ll be safe and then we can turn the journals in and it will help make it so Ben and Da go away for hopefully a very long time. If you have any bruises you need to write about that too and I’ll take pictures with the Polaroid and we’ll make sure it’s in your journal so that it’s there when we turn it in to the police one day,” she said handing us each a journal.

“Mum, I’m not sure about this,” Mike said, “I mean what if they find the journals mum?”

“They won’t, the journals stay up here and everyone gets one once they know how to read and write, even though you can draw pictures to if that is easier than writing about it,” she said. “Ok that’s pretty much it for right now, the rest is up to me because I’m the mom. I love you guys and I am so sorry I allowed you to all get stuck in this,” she said and then gave everyone a kiss on the cheek, “Ok go play.”

I was turning to walk away when she said something, “John, One more thing.” She stopped me, “It’s the 14th,” she reminded me.

“Yeah so?” I asked.

“What do you want to do for your birthday? It’s the first birthday you’ve had at home with everyone in a while, is there anything special you want to do any place you want to go?” she asked.

“Not that I can think of,” I said and then thought about it for a second longer, “cupcakes, chocolate up here just family.”

“In true teen fashion,” she said.

“Hey don’t make fun I just, I don’t know like you said first one at home with everyone in a while. None of us are off at different schools we’re all home and I don’t have any friends here so, just us up here,” I said.

“Ok, no Da and Uncle Ben just all of us,” she promised.

“Thank you,” I said, “Mum?” I questioned.

“Yes honey?” she asked me. “Do you think THEY are planning something for my birthday?”

My mum sighed, “I have no idea honey. I really hope not,” she replied.

“I hope not too. I mean I don’t see anything good happening if they do,” I said.

“Well, in case try to stay up here, I mean we have to go downstairs for dinner because I don’t want to make your Da angry and he really wants everyone to start eating dinner together and I said we would but otherwise don’t go downstairs for anything ok?” She said to me.

“Yeah, I don’t know what I would go down there for anyway, schools out for break it’s not exactly the warmest out so not a lot of urges to go outside and hang out so I’ll just stick to my books while I babysit out of the corner of my eye. I’m honestly just hoping that after break I can go back to school and I’m not too far behind because I was out for like the whole time you were gone.” I said.

“I know and I didn’t realize it was going to be like that John, I really didn’t,” she said, “If I had any idea it was going to be the way it turned out no one would have come here with him and we would have found somewhere else. I’m trying to think about the past until we can do something to help us especially you, deal with it though I’m trying to look towards the future.” She sighed.

“What makes you think things are going to be different?” I asked.

“Well, I can’t tell you just yet but, I have a plan to help us all.” She said.

“I really hope it’s a good one mum, because I’m scared of what he’ll do if you make him angry. When he’s angry I can’t control him,” I sighed running my fingers through my hair and my mum stopped and looked at me sadly.

“What?” I asked. “It’s just the way you sound, you shouldn’t be able to talk that way about him and I feel so guilty that you can. I swear to you John things will change.” She said.

At the time I didn’t really think about what she meant but looking back I’m sure she meant the way I made my relationship with Da sounded. Like I had some control over his actions or like I was a wife looking to appease his moods at certain points and do things to make sure everything stayed as ok as I could make it. However, at the time that was the relationship I still had with my Da because I had shared a bed with him for three and a half months as if I were his wife. A wife that was physically and sexually abused but still a wife.

I had cooked for him, I had cleaned for him I had taken care of his sexual needs whenever he demanded it of me and so yeah, looking back I can admit that. I was my father’s second wife but at the time being a young boy 12 about to turn 13 I didn’t want to think of it or see it in that light at all. I wanted to avoid thinking about it as much as possible and somethings were just what they were. I stared at her in silence for a couple of moments and then a baby started to fuss and so we both went back into the family room her grabbing the baby and me grabbing a book.

The rest of the afternoon passed easily almost happily because my mum seemed certain that things were going to change. It was like she had a new found confidence in herself and her abilities to try and protect us. I was happy to see her not so anxious but, I knew that it was only temporary that her confidence would be shaken again because I didn’t see my birthday, especially my 13th birthday passing without anything bad happening. Evening came and mum helped Will and I get everyone downstairs around the big table so that we could eat together like a family. This to my mum’s dismay included Uncle Ben but, she decided to bite her tongue about that and deal with it because she had put a lot of effect into making my Da happy making one of his favorite meals of pot roast with his favorite mushroom gravy and homemade dinner rolls.

Everyone got downstairs and sat around the table and my mum had Mike say grace and then we sat down to eat. The table seating was clock wise from oldest to youngest so of course I was sat next to my uncle Ben with my Da at the head of the table all the way to Catherine who was across from Uncle Ben. At first the meal was quiet and then my Da smiled at my mum.

“So tomorrow is the last day John is 12,” he said and I could feel my stomach falling I was no longer hungry. Just then my Uncle put his hand on the inside of my leg just above my knee.

My mum smiled back at him but I could tell she was nervous about what he was going to say next too, “I know isn’t it exciting. He said he doesn’t want a party just a little get together with his brothers and sisters for his birthday, he’s such a sweet boy,” she said.

“Well, I have something planned just him and I, We’ll leave tonight and we’ll be back on his birthday,” he said. My mum frowned and I dropped my fork. My Da looked at mum and sighed, “I know you don’t get along with Ben so I will be taking Ben and he will be spending some time away from the house but he won’t be going with us,” My bullshit radar immediately went off. I could tell this wasn’t good.

“Are you sure I mean it’s like right before his birthday, shouldn’t you wait until after?...” My mum started to question him and he gave her an evil glare.

“No. It’s tonight we’re going to go do this tonight just the two of us because these are his last two nights before he becomes a teenager. I want to do this with him so we’re going and we’re leaving after dinner is that understood?” My Da said matter a factly as if he was daring us to question his authority. “Eat,” he commanded looking at me.

I didn’t know what he was playing but I had a strong feeling he wasn’t going to be taking me fishing. “John, eat,” he said again, I grabbed something off my plate and put it in my mouth not being able to taste anything.

The rest of the meal was ate in silence I could feel everyone looking at me as if they were staring at me to ingrain my image into their memories and I could see my mom’s hand shake every time her fork reached up towards her mouth from her plate. After Da was done with his first plate I thought that would be it, I could have sworn he was going to drag me away and kill me right there but he didn’t he took seconds and everyone sat there waiting for him to finish. When he was done he actually helped my mum clean up the babies and handed kids off to my brothers to take upstairs.

“Shouldn’t I…” I asked.

“No you won’t need anything its bene taken care of,” my Da said.

“Can I say goodbye?” I asked him.

“Say goodbye? You think you’re going to die? John you’ll see everyone in like a little over 24 hours, you’re going to be fine. There is no reason to say goodbye,” he said as my Uncle Ben grabbed something off the table near the door along with the car keys and went out to the car.  

He pushed the intercom, “Danielle your son wants to say good bye,” my Da said into it in a matter of moments mum was done on the second floor with us in front of the elevator.

“Connor do you really have to do this?” she asked a hit of terror in her voice.

“Relax I’m not going to hurt him,” he lied.

“I love you John,” she said pulling me into a hug.

“Mum, please D…” I was cut off by my father’s sharp bark.

“You say it you will get it I swear to god John.” I stopped. “Come on let’s go,” he said grabbing me and pulling me down the stairs and out the door before I knew my legs were moving.

He put me in the back of the car next to Uncle Ben and Uncle Ben turned on the overhead light and put a long rubber cover over my casted arm and started taping the ends closed. “What’s this for?” I asked afraid of the answer. “Keep it from getting wet because trust me, it might get wet,” my Uncle snickered.

“Ben shut up,” my Da said driving out of the drive way and out onto the dark road.

After being in the car for about an hour my Da pulled over at a gas station and asked if I had to use the bathroom. I remember shaking my head no and then my uncle Ben going around the back of the car and pulling a black bag out of the trunk. He proceeded to put this over my head and then duct tape my arms behind my back.

“What’s going on?” I asked a little scared by this sudden development.

“It’s ok, it’s just so you don’t see the way,” my uncle said climbing back into the car.

We sat there for a couple moments my uncle rubbing the inside of my lower tight making me nervous and jumpy. I’m pretty sure that my Da was gassing up or something because it took a while before he climbed in and I heard the driver door shut and we started moving again. Once we were moving on the dark road once again I felt my uncle’s hands start to feel their way towards my crotch.

“Please, I really would prefer if you didn’t do that,” I said trying to huddle myself away from him against the door because I didn’t have any hands to push him away. He just laughed and scooted closer to me his hands going up to the button on the jeans and unbuttoning them and then undoing my zipper, “Please I really would like you to stop,” I said trying to make sure I didn’t use the words don’t or no every time I made a statement making sure he understood that even though I wasn’t allowed to say it I didn’t want him to touch me.

“Please quit!” I yelled as he started fumbling inside my undone pants trying to grab a hold of my penis as I squirmed.

His hand found its target anyway and he started rubbing up and down my shaft. I exhaled deeply not really being able to do anything else at this point, “shit” I said under my breath.

“Ben, save it. He’s going to need it,” my Da said and Uncle Ben backed off giving me some space to breathe.

“Really?” Ben said sounding rather upset.

“Yeah he has to enter 13 dry so you should probably wait so everyone can enjoy it,” My da said.

“I don’t want to wait,” my uncle said.

“Yeah but you might blow this for us if you can’t just hold on another 20 minutes and wait to blow him,” my Da said, “So keep your hands to yourself, please.”

“Where are we going?” I asked and I wasn’t sure he could hear my question correctly through my hood until he answered.

“Don’t worry about that. There’s going to be people there you know and you might make some friends.” My Da said.

“Who?” I asked disdainfully.

“You’ll find out when we get there,” he said.

We were only in the car for another ten minutes when we made a turn and came to a stop. Da opened his door and got out and I felt the door beside me open. He helped me walk by steering me by the elbow up to a building which was what I assumed to be a house and the door opened before he rang the doorbell.

“Welcome friend!” I heard an excited voice say from under my hood, “And is that your party favor?” the voice asked and then I felt a hand on my shoulder and it slid down the front of my body feeling my torso through my shirt down to where my pants were undone already, “I see someone couldn’t wait,” the person commented.

“Oh no, he waited just barely though,” My Da said referring to my Uncle Ben.

“Good I’m glad, you don’t want to bring a used party favor it’s frowned upon usually it’s a good idea to give the boys a day or two before you bring them to this type of gathering. Let them rest you know,” the voice said.

Just then I heard more footsteps coming towards our small group “Connor you came!” I heard a familiar voice say, “Is he gagged too?” Tony asked looking me up and down.

“No,” my Uncle Ben said, “I can make him squeal if you like,” he added.

“Nah, that’s all right,” Tony replied, “let’s wait until we get inside with everyone else.”

Someone, not sure who finally removed my hood so I could see where I was going. It was a big hallway and at the end of the hallway was a room that was lit only by candle light and I could see other boys standing around, some were gagged and some were like me scared into silence still there were other boys slightly older than us moving around freely though they were naked and I could see faint scars on their hips just like the one Tony had shown me in the hot tub. Once I got all the way into the room I could see a fire place burning bright in the corner as well but the room still looked very dark.My heart racing as I wondered what my fate would be, knowing it wouldn’t be anything good.


	6. 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John gets inducted into the brotherhood and meets some people that let him know what to expect. His mother talks of her plans to get them away and somewhere safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think it's pretty obvious I don't condone rape of any kind especially child abuse. However it's a reality for millions of people everyday and their lives are greatly affected. There is no excuse for killing someone's soul and leaving them to walk around half-dead maybe for the rest of their lives. If you know someone in a situation like this speak up, get them help.

Once I was in the room I was lined up with all the other boys and man came in from a door somewhere to the side of the room and everyone seemed to stand at attention including a bunch of men who had entered through a door on the opposite side of the room. Another of these guys was a face I recognized Hank from the first day I got back to Florida and there was another guy there that I was pretty sure Tony filmed me with. Everyone stood in silence waiting for the one guy to speak as he went up to stand in front of the fire.

“Once a year,” he started, “we allow those who have shown true interest in our ways a chance to prove themselves among our most glorified members so that they may join our brother hood. After one has joined the brotherhood that brother and his children after are indoctrinated into our ways and those ways are passed on from generation to generation. While we are proud of our ways we do not share our ways with outsiders unless they have been met by all order members and are up for consideration to join the brotherhood. Those of us who choose not to follow the path when they reach 25 are compensated for their participation in all brotherhood activities and carry the secrets of the brotherhood with them to the grave.” He stated.

“Tonight we welcome three brothers and their families into our ranks by seeing how far they are willing to let us push the limits of their family bonds. Once the brother has been accepted his progeny will get the mark of acceptance and each child as they come of age will have the mark given to them as well. Let our three brothers pick their numbers and then roll the die. The die shall then be rolled again to see the number of participants in the first round. You may step forward,” he said and then my Da and two other men, one Asian and one who was more gray and round than my Da stepped forward.

“Choose your number,” the man said looking at the first man.

“the number I choose is five,” he said, he then looked at my Da the number my Da chose was four and the Asian man who said one.

He then threw the die in the air and the die landed on 2 so the leader then threw the die again and this time it landed on four. My Da took the die from the leader and threw it again in the air. I was too focused on the die to notice that the other men from the group were closing in on me when the die landed on 3.

“Interesting,” the guy at the front of the room said, “everyone pull a stone from the bag the first three that pull stones with red marks will be participants” Everyone then took a stone one at a time, the first one to pull a stone with a red Tip I didn’t know, The second one was Hank and the third was Tony everyone else stepped back while the leader and the three of them stepped forward looking at me like I was a piece of meat they had just gotten permission to eat.

Just then the leader pulled a knife from nowhere and held it up to my chest at first I thought he was going to cut me but then he took it and cut my shirt down the middle and then pulled my still undone pants down and boxers off in one move. I was standing there naked everyone else watching from a little bit back while the other four gathered close to me, Tony looked me up and down and licked his lips but didn’t say a word and I could feel Hank behind me his eyes raking my form from top to bottom.

“My name is Andrews, that’s all you need to know,” the guy I didn’t know told me. He was hardly taller than I was but, he was slightly older than my father. He had a large beard and salt and pepper hair with cold brown eyes that looked hungry.

I felt like saying anything back would have been a very bad idea and I next thing I knew I was being pulled out of the room and down the hallway into another open area where there was a giant table covered in straps with all kinds of sex toys nearby. This was not good, I could feel myself screaming in my head that I didn’t want this to happen but, I knew I had no choice. The guy name Andrews backed me up into the table and I hit it falling backwards onto it. When I landed Hank started nipping at my ear and neck, not gentle like my Da did like I was used to but hard and rough to the point where I knew he was leaving deep marks right off the bat probably even bite marks. Andrews grabbed my Penis and started to rub forcefully while Tony took his own Penis in his hand and started Masturbating while he leaned over me.

“Ow,” I whispered as Hank bit harder into my neck and then climbed on top of me pushing the other two away from a moment. Someone handed him something and he mumbled “thanks” and excitedly unwrapped the tiny package he was handed.

It took me a couple of seconds to realize it was a condom and every one of them had been handed one. My arms ached and I was hoping they were going to untape them until they actually did and they brought out chains similar to the ones we had in the red room at home and chained my arms to the sides of the table so that they were more or less useless and then I felt Hank shift his weight on top of me and lift my knees onto his shoulder. He then took his tip and rubbed it in-between my ass cheeks.

“Don’t!” I said the word before I could stop myself and my eyes instantly flashed to my Da’s face to see his reaction. He didn’t seem to care either way and seemed to be enjoying himself even though he was just standing there watching with everyone else.

Hank pushed inside me and I felt his body tighten in pleasure almost instantly. “God yes,” he moaned deep and throaty as he entered me.

He waited just a moment and started thrusting and someone reached in-between us and grabbed my dick and started pumping, “Stop,” I said as I felt my body waking up from a numbness that it had been in before as if it was finally over the shock of what was about to happen because it was now actually happening. “No, stop!” I said my shackles rattling as I moved my arms as if I get them close enough to anyone to push them away, Hank then thrusted hard and deep into me and I screamed and I screamed for my Da which was something that was surprising to me, "Da please make them stop!” I begged him and he just started right at them while they did this to me, Tony took his dick and put it in my mouth forcing himself deep into my throat, probably to keep me from screaming while Andrews continued to play with my penis and Hank continued to thrusts.

I remember trying as hard as I could the breathe through my nose but choking on Tony several times as I started to tingle down below a signal my body was sending to my brain letting me know I was erect. Because my body had responded that apparently changed the game and someone started blowing me while Hank continued to anally rape me but Tony changed his mind about trying to get me to preform good oral sex on him and started to force me to make out with him instead My lower body started to get hot like it was burning because I was fighting off a climax and I remember balling my fists even though there was nothing else I could do. I couldn’t get them off of me because I was chained down, I couldn’t scream because I had a tongue shoved in my mouth while Tony rubbed at my nipples and I couldn’t kick because my legs were being held firmly by the man who was anally penetrating me so I just balled my fist until my Da grabbed one of my hands and made me unclench my fingers.

“No you don’t,” he said as my uncle grabbed the other and did the same thing, “You’re going to put everything you have into this load,” my Da said looking me in the eyes as Tony started trailing kisses and bites down my neck.

“Da, please,” I begged barely above a whisper.

“No everything you have is going into this load. I want them to see what you can do and you’re going to look me in the eyes while you do it. You’re going to enjoy this and you’re going to wish I was joining.” He said giving me the coldest deadest stare he had ever given me.

I swallowed hard knowing that I couldn’t use the words, No or don’t and had a limited use of the word stop. I could feel the tears starting to come up in my eyes, “Da please, please make them not do this,” I said gasping as I felt myself precum and closing my eyes.

“No, look at me as you cum, you know this feels good I want to see it on your face,” My Da said and my eyes snapped opened on command.

“Da, I can’t,” I gasped as I could feel my body finally reaching its breaking point and I came into Andrews mouth he moved happily allowing me to shoot some into the air while everyone cheered.

Apparently I was impressive. “That’s my boy!” my Da cheered enthusiastically and everyone left the room and left me to lay there and then moments later they all came back tying the Asian boy down to a table near my left different people doing similar things to him while he screamed and cried openly.

One person came back over to me still strapped to my table still. The leader. At first he just looked at me intently and then I felt his hand touch my upper torso and feel its way down my body were it grabbed my hips as if they were handles, “nice” he whispered to himself as he leaned the weight of his upper body into me and I squeezed my eyes shut.

“Eyes open,” he said and again I just obeyed, “We don’t have many red heads, it’s been a long time since the last one,” he told me climbing onto the table with me and running a hand through my hair, “Red heads can be wild, are you wild?” he asked me leaning in close so I could feel his breath on my ear, “Are we going to have to break you in like a horse?”

I heard myself gulp as he ran a hand over my face and down my torso again this time his hand going a bit more south and into the center and then not taking my penis in his hand he rubbed it still,

“I’m already broken,” I answered.

“What’s your favorite thing then?” he asked catching me off guard.

Was he fucking kidding? I searched my mind making my stomach queasy of everything they did to me what did I enjoy the most? None of it, was my honest answer but I had to come up with something so I said the first thing that came to mind, “The anal.”

“Really?” he enquired, “I wonder why that is,” he mused more to himself then to me.

“What do you hate?” he asked then shifting his weight off of me but keeping his eyes locked on mine.

“I don’t know,” I answered instinctively.

“I think you do,” he said leaning over me and trailing kisses down the center of my body slowly working his way closer to my penis with each one.

I’m sure he could feel me grow tenser as each kiss descended because at one point I heard him laugh lightly before he reached my member and licked the tip like a lollipop. I vividly flinched even though all of my muscles were at attention.

“I can tell you it’s not fisting that you hate,” he sighed licking just the tip again making me flinch again.

“You either hate this or you love it,” he said, “It makes one feel a lack of control because well, you’re going to cum every time whether you really want to or not so you either learn to embrace it or, you don’t and you hate it forever.” He said doing it again, this time I closed my eyes. “Have you ever been rimmed or licked back to front?” he asked an evil grin spreading across his face.

“What?” I stammered as he then stuck his tongue in my asshole and licked pretty deep.

“Shit” I thought I said quietly but must have said loud enough to get attention from some of the other adults in the room because men started gathering around us again.

My nerves were sending different sensations through my body as he then followed his tongue leading the way a line over my testacies and around the back of my penis back to my tip again. At this point my whole body ridged with fear and resistance.

“Did you know that the tip is the most sensitive part of the penis?” he asked me taking my length in his mouth just slightly and alternating between sucking and licking.

I choked back tears as I became erect and could feel myself getting close to climax. I didn’t want this. I was however positive that at this point with these people anything I felt or wanted didn’t matter and I just had to allow it to happen or I was going to be in huge trouble with my da.

He started to moan as he sucked on me and felt myself precum into his mouth which only made him suck more eagerly. Before I knew what was going on my Uncle was undoing my arm and shifting my body so I was laying on my side as he entered me from behind supporting my weight so I stayed in that position. Just as I was forced to have an orgasm I saw three men coming towards me. Two of them helped my uncle hold me still while the third brought a red hot brand towards me the letters MV glowing at me angrily in the darkness of the room. Before I could say or do anything they brought it down and shoved it into the skin of my right hip, my hip that was facing upward. I screamed out in pain and then after they had left it to burn the letters into my flesh long enough they pulled back away from me, my uncle making sure he held me there as he finished and came inside me listening to my screams, my whole body shuddered in pain.

I thought I was going to be sick and pass out all at once but neither happened. My body continued to shake despite my best efforts to stop it. I didn’t even notice my Da come up to me until he and my Uncle had me sandwiched between them careful not to touch my new mark as they “comforted” me.

“It’s ok Baby we just have to let it sit,” My da whispered slobbering down the front of my chest as the leader got up and walked away.

My body continued to shudder because of the pain even though my Da tried to pull me close and hold me. I could feel the tears in my eyes that I hadn’t even realized I had been crying and then noticed that I had been unchained. My Da helped me to my unsteady feet where I found myself shaking even worse as the pain intensified, “You have to walk with it, babying it will only make it worse,” he told me as he supported most of my weight on my right side so I didn’t have to move my hip too much as I walked.

He helped me walk down what felt like an extremely long hall way and opened a door to the right of us at some point. Inside was better lit than the rest of the place and there were cots lined up against the walls some with boys laying on them wrapped in blankets other with boys sitting their knees tucked under their chins. There was even a group of boys sitting on couches that were in the middle of the room who looked like they belonged there. Their body language fairly relaxed despite the fact they were completely naked.

I glanced around the room quickly taking this all in realizing that the youngest in here was probably just a little bit younger than Mike and Matt and the oldest maybe a year older then myself. He walked me over to a cot and then helped me lay down.

“You have to let it set for a while,” my Da said to me referring to my brand, “That way it scars the right way, in about fifteen minutes the doctor will be in and bandage it I wouldn’t put anything on it or touch it in the meantime,” he said and then forced his tongue past my lips in a kiss, “I’ll be back in a while to check on you.” He then got up and walked out the door.

Things were silent for a minute as if my presence wasn’t noticed at all and then one of the boys from the couch came over, “Fresh meat,” he said looking at my burn, “An untouchable too,” he sighed.

“Guys don’t even bother he’s untouchable,” he yelled.

“I’m what?” I asked through my chattering teeth and burning hip.

“It means the lowest that can touch you is like a level 2 I think. We’re not even recruits,” he said.

“What?” I asked.

He sighed at me impatiently, “This is how the brotherhood works. You have level one bottoms all the way to level five bottoms. You are a level five bottom. And you have tops again from one which are called recruits all the way up to five. If a bottom wants to join the brotherhood they are allowed to be with other bottoms but only forced and from 1 to 3 or under their own rank. I am a level 4 bottom which means, I can’t do anything to you and neither can a recruit, however a level 2 and 3 brother could with permission from your handler which is usually a guy’s Dad or uncle or grandpa or other guardian. And if level four or five asks for you fours have to pay for your time and fives, well your dad has to just kind of give you over.” He said, “Recruits have to have permission from the leader and your handler in order to even look at you honestly.” He added.

“So this is some type of fucked up pedo club?” I asked.

“No we benefit, you can either join at 25 or they give you a nice chunk of change and make you sign a gag order, you usually get something out of it though like say you get admitted to Harvard law or a job on wall street. These are perks even people who don’t want to join get. It might seem like it’s for nothing at first but there are a lot of benefits at the end if you decide you’re not into it.” He said.

“And if you refuse the gag order?” I asked afraid of the answer.

“Then you receive a gold plated coffin,” he sighed, “Look you don’t have a choice, there are rules. You can’t have romantic relationships with anyone in the order under recruit, if you do there are consequences. If you are found touching someone you’re not allowed to or you don’t have permission to there are consequences and so on.”

“Like what?” I asked not that I was interested in even being in this so called brotherhood but out of curiosity because it looked like I really didn’t have a choice in the matter.

“You could ask Cole about that,” the kid said and then turned to look at a guy curled up in a ball under a blanket on the cot next to me, “Cole what happens when you fall in love with another bottom?” he asked Cole.

“Don’t ask,” the kid answered.

“Cole here fell in love with Justin so they then drew straws. The one with the shorter straw got to star in a special film. They chopped off his limbs and then fucked him in every new hole they made. I’m sure he bled out before most of them did the fucking but, whatever. So I really really suggest that you and whatever siblings you might have follow the rules.” The kid said and then walked away back to the group on the couch.

“Is he for real?” I asked no one in particular.

“At least he’s in a better place now,” Cole sighed curling into a tighter ball.

“So it’s true?” I asked him.

“Yes, they made everyone watch it after they were done, made an example of him. It wasn’t even his fault it was mine. I killed the one person in this world that really loved me,” he said into his blanket.

I tried to shift my weight at that point but, it didn’t work out too well for me and the shaking and teeth chattering started back up so I just took the blanket that was folded neatly on top of the pillow near my head and placed it in front of myself so that I could have some modesty.

“I’m sorry,” I said to Cole, “I’m John.”

“Cole,” he replied, “Sorry if I’m not very chatty I just…”

“I got it, trust me,” I said laying my head on my pillow as Cole looked at me from the corner of his eye and then turned to really see me. “Shit you’re new, new aren’t you?” he exclaimed grabbing his blanket and wrapping it around his naked body as he walked closer to my cot.

“Don’t!” I said moving and pain shooting through my body.

“I can’t even if I wanted to, remember?” Cole said and then I felt myself relax a little, “I just wanted to see your brand.”

I could feel myself starting to blush the longer he looked at exposed parts of my body that I wasn’t used to other people seeing outside of my Da and Uncle and whoever else they had let see me. “I can’t really cover it right now, could you…” I asked closing my eyes in shame.

“Yeah sorry,” Cole said waddling back over to his own Cot and sitting back down, “I just haven’t seen one that new. The brand I mean. I didn’t mean anything by it, it just looks super weird all shiny and yellow and open like that.”

“Don’ you have one?” I asked. “Yeah but, I don’t remember it. I was little like 4 or 5 I think,” He answered, “I think I blocked it out because I have a really hard time recalling a lot of stuff. The only thing I’m thankful for is not having any siblings.”

“I have 10 siblings,” I said. “I am so sorry. Are you the oldest?” he asked me. I just nodded sadly wondering what he was going to tell me that made him so happy he didn’t have any siblings.

“They get weird sometimes. They say you’re not supposed to fall in love and what not but then they make you sleep with each other. That’s how it happened, Justin and I. They kept making us well, you know until it got to the point where it just felt right and safe and I don’t know. I’ve heard they do that with siblings sometimes make them…you know?” he said, “Not that they will with you but, my friend Troy they did it with him and his older brother and now they just, you can tell there is something wrong there that they feel awkward being in a room together. How many are brothers?”

“Seven,” I said and then the door of the room opened and everyone one of us looked up.

It was Dr. Palmer, shirtless and sweating in just in underwear carrying a tray of ointments and bandages and he came up to me and sat down on the floor in-between Cole and I. At first I was shocked and then I remembered him saying he knew what was going on and that he could help me but I couldn’t tell anyone about him. This was why because he wasn’t like them and he wanted to help but if they found out he was there helping he could be killed for even trying.

“How’s the pain?” he looked at me worried.

“It burns,” I said realizing that my good fist had been clenched this whole time as a reflex for my body to have some control over the burning in my hip from my brand and the soreness in other parts of my body.

“What about the rest of it?” He asked me taking out a thermometer and making me stick it under my tongue.

I assumed he was checking for a temp for signs of infection.

“I suppose it’s not worse then what it normally feels like when…” I trailed off too embarrassed to finish my sentence.

“Well, that’s something to be glad about at least,” he mumbled more to himself then to me and he then took what looked like a long q-tip and put a heavy amount of cream on it. “I’m going to apply this to your hip and then put gauze over it. You need to watch this, if the inflammation, the redness,” he simplified, “Doesn’t go away in two days you need to come to the office and see me. If the pain gets worse, come in and see me if you spike a fever, anything seriously make sure you come in.” he said adamantly.

Opening a patch of gauze and placing it gently over the brand and then doing the same with an even bigger piece that covered the inflamed area as well and taping that piece of gauze down gently. I winced slightly and he gave me a sympathetic look. He then got up grabbed his tray and left.

“Do people know that he...”

“What?” Cole asked because he had been obviously spacing out, “Oh yeah he’s only let some people know so, don’t spread it around,” Cole said.

I lowered my voice making sure only Cole could hear me, “How does he not get caught if he doesn’t you know?...”

“He has deals going on with people before he gets them out. It’s consensual until they leave, him and the bottom make it look like it’s not so he can stay in and not get caught,” Cole said.

Just then the door opened again and the Asian boy was brought in limp in someone’s arms and Dr Palmer rushed back into the room behind them.

“You’re lucky this time I guess,” Cole said and I looked at him questioningly. “A couple of the rough tops are here,” he said, “If you have your brand it means no one else but your handler or the leader gets to be with you again until it heals so you have like two weeks until you are fully healed.”

“Rough tops?” I asked. “Guys who are super rough, there are a couple of them you’ll be able to pick them out really fast once you start being brought to parties. They usually tend to get so rough they have a separate room full of whips and really big butt plugs and all of this other stuff,” Cole visibly shuddered, “Sometimes it’s a punishment because you did something wrong or your handler did or sometimes it’s just because one of them requested you. There’s this one guy and he bites, like hard just about anywhere he wants and that is fucking painful.”

“Is that Hank?” I asked.

“Huhh not sure,” Cole said looking at me weird.

“He works for the police? Big guy lots of muscle…” I said.

Cole’s eyes lit up like he knew who I was talking about now “Oh, Kingly he’s somewhere in the middle I guess. Like sometimes he uses the room and sometimes he can control himself enough to be in the general room where they just tie us down and … you know. Why?”

“I thought he was going to bite me hard enough to draw blood,” I said leaning forward.

Cole leaned forward too to try and see what I was showing him better and he then touched my shoulder gently and leaned in close to get a good look at my neck and Jaw bone on the right side Cole hissed in pain for me looking at it. “Yeah, that’s pretty… He’s never done that me personally but there are a few guys. Dom!” Cole yelled out and a head of dark Auburn hair popped up on a cot across the room, “Dom come here will ya?” Cole shouted he then looked at me, “I think you can cover up now if you want you’re bandaged and everything.”

I pulled the blanket around myself properly as Dom hobbled over. “Dom this is John check out what Kingly did to his neck,” he said and Dom then leaned over, took a good look and chuckled slightly.

“It’s your hair,” Dom said.

“My hair?”

“Kingly has a thing for redheads haven’t you noticed he always mentions your hair?” I thought about it for a moment and realized Dom was right every time he had been around he had made sure to mention my hair color and Dom would be one to know because while his hair wasn’t a vibrant red like mine it was still pretty red. I stared at Dom horrified.

“Well, ummm…” Cole trailed off his eyebrows raised in a knowing way, “I’m going to walk around the room and stretch my legs you two can talk,” he said.

He then left Dom and me alone, Dom hovering slightly over me as he sat on his knees slightly raised taking another close look at my neck and Jawline. “You’re lucky he didn’t draw blood because usually with me and the few other guys he does.” Dom said.

“So I wasn’t imagining that,” I stated kind of glad that it wasn’t just me, “It really fucking hurt like I have never had anyone be that forceful when kissing on me before.”

“No, he’s really…” Dom exhaled deeply like he was gathering himself in order to continue speaking, “He’s really intense. He’s probably going to be super upset you’re off the tables so early and I think I’m the only other redhead here so…” Dom swallowed hard and I saw him clench his fist.

“Can you tell me what to expect?” I asked as sympathetically as I could.

“It depends on his mood really,” Dom said measuredly, “He likes to bite, he’s rough if he doesn’t want anyone else to touch you after he’s done he’ll huhh, sorry give me a second,” Dom said his breath catching in his throat.

“It’s ok, take your time,” I said knowing just how hard it was to talk to someone in detail about being violated like that. I waited patiently for him to speak again.

“He’ll tear you, like rape you so hard anally that you tear and then need stitches or time without being touched. Makes it really hard to do just about anything at that point but you won’t be touched until you heal so that’s like 10 days where no one touches you and that can be a good thing. He bites anywhere he wants. He’s bitten me in several places that it hurts just to be punched or kicked and drawn blood. He…” Dom trailed off and moved his blanket off his top half and I could see scars up and down his chest around and under his nipples trailing down his stomach, some more faded then others and some that looked like they had only just healed a couple weeks ago.

“Fuck,” I gasped gaping wide mouthed at Dom’s chest.

Dom shifted his weight uncomfortably and pulled the blanket back over his shoulders covering himself completely again, “yeah,” he said as he took a deep breath and closed his eyes fighting back tears, “I don’t really have any advice besides try and read his moods. If he wants you to be quiet try and be quiet if he wants you to scream, scream. Sometimes he likes the other room. Usually in there its paddles and whips and he’s not like too freaky like he doesn’t use the cattle prod or the shocker or anything super weird. Sometimes he likes a fight though like he’ll take you in a private room and won’t tie you down but will, well you know I’m sure if your uncle is who I think he is.” Dom said.

“My Uncle is Ben McGregor,” I answered.

“Then you know,” Dom replied simply. We stared at each other wide eyed and fearful in silence for a few moments almost like we were acknowledging each other’s pain and fear.

“Thanks for warning me,” I said awkwardly, “Good luck."

“Thanks,” he said quietly not even looking me in the eye and he got up and went back to his own cot.

Cole returned, “Sorry if you thought it was weird I left it’s just there’s a system and some guys have favorite bottoms for whatever reason and they are the ones that have to deal with them and no too many other people and it gets hard to listen to others talk about their tops.” Cole said sitting back down on his cot.

“No it wasn’t weird,” I answered, “I understand, I have to listen sometimes for my brothers so they can get it off their chest. It can be upsetting.”

“That is a serious understatement,” Cole said and we sat there in silence for a moment.

“At least I’m aware I guess of what Kingly’s like,” I said after a moment.

“Does that make it easier for you?” Cole asked.

“No I think it just made it a shit ton worse to be honest,” I said, “I mean my Uncle is rough he’s been that way since I was a kid and he’s beaten the shit out of me a couple of times because he wants me to fight him like that makes it more exciting for him or whatever but my uncle doesn’t really bite.”

“Who is your Uncle?” Cole asked me.

“Ben McGregor,” I answered.

“You’re lucky then. I’ve heard stories.” Cole sighed, “Mostly from older guys but Ben is not a nice guy he’s really rough. He likes the other room. He’s choked people while he you know… he’s broken ribs and arms and legs because like you said he likes the fight of it and he’s used the cattle prod on at least one person that I’ve heard, he’s used the strap collar…” I stopped him.

“What’s the strap collar?” I asked.

“It’s in the back room where they put you in a collar that literally straps you to one of the tables by your neck so you can’t really move then they do whatever they want. The only thing you can really do is scream unless they give you a ball-gag or something then you can’t even do that. If you’re fighting too much and someone decides they don’t want you to they’ll then strap your limbs down too.”

I tried to swallow the giant lump in my throat and I found I was so scared I couldn’t. I felt like my heart was pounding in my stomach and I could feel the blood rushing anywhere but my brain. This was not good. I didn’t remember any of this from when I was little. I remembered him beating the shit out of me but not being tied down to the point where I couldn’t move even though I did remember vaguely him raping me until my whole body burned at different points from the time \ I was around 8 or nine before I went off to boarding school though they were very hard to recall.

“I’ve heard he has his own dungeon at his house,” Cole said.

“It’s my Da’s house and yeah,” I nodded solemnly. “Why?” I started to say almost like I thought Cole would know the answer to my question but he didn’t wait for me to finish.

“They hate us. That’s the only conclusion I’ve come to,” he answered.

“Do you know what they do to girls?” I asked thinking of my baby sisters.

“I’ve heard rumors. They don’t share their girls with other tops they just abuse them, fuck them up in so many ways it’s scary. One guy said his dad used to make his sister take an ovulation test to track her cycle so he could get her pregnant.” Cole said, “I don’t know if he ever did or not that guys dad I mean, they drew his name at a ten year so… that was that.”

“A ten year?”

“It’s a party where everyone puts the names of all of their kids into this huge bowl and two or three names are drawn. If the name is red you’re the star of a snuff film and if it’s black, you get to be behind the camera. They don’t let the star live they kill them and film it and then sell the film for profits. If your handler is good and doesn’t break any rules usually your name and any siblings, you might have doesn’t go in the bowl but any infraction from them or them not being able to control your behaviors gets your name in the bowl. They don’t even hold it every ten years I think they did at first but, I think they now just wait until the bowl is full and then hold one. If you’re curious to know when the next one is there is a table next to the door when you come in or leave the house, the bowl is right there, it’s a giant glass one you can’t miss it.”

“Do guys kill themselves?” I asked.

Cole stifled a laugh, “Fuck yeah. Sometimes even after they are done and they reach 25 and get their money and careers and everything sometimes way before. When I was like old enough to start coming to parties, I think I was like nine, this kid jumped out the second story window when he was in the holding room, he was like 11 I think. Anyway that’s why we are now downstairs. Guys that do get out and don’t kill themselves on purpose end up on drugs a lot. We don’t live long it’s just a part of being in the brotherhood. They either brain wash you and you become one of them or you die young. They recruit new members every couple of years who already have kids because if they didn’t the brotherhood would just die out.”

“How do you deal with it?” I asked him.

“Want some water?” he said handing me a water bottle and looking at me, “Well, go on taste.”

I took a swig and was surprised to find not water but alcohol “ah,” I nodded.

“If I’m lucky I can sneak enough in that I’m drunk enough I won’t remember anything. They don’t care. They have it in the cabinets in all the bathrooms because they know for a fact that a lot of us drink to get through it because some of them were once in our shoes so they figure you know; help the underdog I guess.”

I looked around the room and I did start to notice the bottles and cups that looked out of place with a flask or two hiding among the stuff on the table near the couches where the one group of guys continued to talk and play cards. I scanned the room looking for Dom and didn’t see him. “Where is…?”

“Oh he’s getting trashed, trust me,” Cole shrugged his shoulders, “wouldn’t you if you knew you were next?”

“Yeah. I mean I’ve only done it once my Uncle made me but, that made it better than normal I mean I woke up sore with him inside me but otherwise I didn’t remember anything at all.” I said.

“Exactly, that’s the goal,” he took his water bottle back from me, “cheers to not remembering!” he exclaimed and took a big swig and then handed the bottle to me.

“Cheers,” I said raising the bottle in agreement and taking one myself.

Just then the door opened and in came the leader with another man beside him every boy who was awake woke the ones who were sleeping and stood up against a wall looking at the leader waiting for him to speak. “gentlemen, if your name is called go outside in the hallway, you will get your room number and the name of your top for the night, if you don’t get called stay here and you will…” his speech was interrupted by Dom stumbling out of the bathroom, “as I was saying you will be spending the night in here and should do your best to rest up. Please listen for your name to be called. Gabe, Martin, Keith, Dom, Aaron, Albert, Felix, Kenny and Joe. Everyone else have a good night,” he said as those who were called filed out of the room behind him and then the door was shut.

“Well, it’s time to sleep, night John,” Cole said laying down in his cot and curling back into a ball.

“Night,” I said numbly doing the same.

Surprisingly I slept through the whole night. Maybe it was the pain I was in that my body could no longer take or the fact that at some point during the night Cole had handed me the water bottle again I had decided to drink most of it and then fell asleep afterward but, I didn’t wake again until the sun was shining through the window so brightly it didn’t seem to matter that the blinds were drawn. I sat up for a moment forgetting where I was and then remembering all at once. In the middle of the room stood a cart near the coffee table covered in apples, bananas and oranges along with muffins and pop tarts and juice. It was obviously a breakfast cart for those who were still in the room. I noticed Cole next to me still sleeping on his own cot and shook him awake.

“I swear it’s not true!” he shouted causing some of the other guys in the room to stir and look in our direction.

“Huh, that’s cool I didn’t think it was,” I replied.

“What?” he asked me.

“Nothing, you ok?” I asked him.

“Weird dream,” he answered.

“Yeah I could tell, you sure you’re all right?”

“Yeah what’s up?” Cole asked me.

“Food,” I said gesturing to the breakfast cart.

“I wouldn’t,” he warned me, “First one to move towards the cart usually gets pulled out. Wait until someone else eats first,” he said scanning the room to see if everyone was present. I scanned the room as well and noticed that all of the boys who had been called out the night before were still gone but everyone else seemed to still be there even though most of them were either settling back into their cots or sitting up and staring into space their blankets wrapped around them.

“Why aren’t they back yet?” someone from the other side of the room whispered.

“They are still entertaining,” Said the boy from yesterday that had first talked to me when I entered the room.

“Dude, shut up Chad,” someone else said.

“Hey was I talking to you?” Chad said back and the other kid fell silent.

I looked at Cole confused and then while the others were fighting amongst themselves I asked, “What is up with that guy?”

“Who Chad?”

“Yeah,” I said.

“He wants to be in the brotherhood so he’s a douche,” Cole answered.

“Did you just call me a fucking Douche?” Chad yelled at Cole.

“No, No I didn’t,” Cole said looking at me for back up.

“No, wasn’t him,” I said.

“You called me a Douche?” he asked me.

I shrugged, “What if I did?”

“I’ll beat your ass,” he replied.

“According to what I’ve heard that wouldn’t be a good idea. I’m untouchable remember?” I said.

Chad laughed, “Yeah untouchable,” he came close to me and shook his head, “You look like you got the shit beat out of you,” he clicked his tongue, “for some reason I feel as if I don’t have to worry about beating your ass because someone is already doing it.” He said then walked back over to his side of the room.

I turned a looked at Cole knowing what Chad was talking about, all hickies up and down the right side of my face and neck going down into my shoulder that had been left there by Kingly, “Does it really look that bad?” I asked Cole honestly.

Cole stared at me silently for a moment, “You want the truth or you want me to make you feel better?” he asked in a measured tone.

“Fuck,” I hissed.

“Yeah, got any cover up that’s what my father gives me when he royally fucks up and leaves a bruise,” Cole said.

“No,” I said touching my neck where I knew the bruises were they were tender to the touch. Who knew someone could be so rough with their mouth it looked like you had been punched repeatedly in the face and neck? “Is anyone going to eat, I’m hungry?” I asked.

“Go ahead if you want,” Chad snorted, “Not like they’ll touch you, don’t want to ruin your pretty new mark, and you already look like you’ve been fucked and beaten into next Sunday.”

Cole rolled his eyes and was about to say something when the door opened and many of the boys that were taken out of the room last night reappeared Dom among them. I waited for him to get to his cot and then I went over to him to see if he was all right and he looked at me and covered his mouth with his hand out of shock, “It looks like a million times worse in light,” he commented on my neck.

“Yeah, I’ve heard,” I said, “What happened?”

“Well…” he turned around so I could see his back there were very visible teeth marks in his back all the way down with one deep enough in his right ass cheek to still be bleeding lightly.

“Sorry,” was all I could manage to say.

Dom just shook his head, “Same old, same old,” he said dismissively.

“At least school is out for two weeks. Means I don’t have to suffer sitting on one of those horrible chairs while everything heals.”

“You’re on break too?” I asked.

“Yeah, I got to St. Matthew’s. It’s not too far from here I think like an hour and half or something like that,” Dom said.

“I’m supposed to go to St. Matthew’s, I’m not going to be starting til after break though,” I said, “is it a good school?” I asked.

Cole snorted into the swig he was drinking from his water bottle.

“What?” I asked.

“Dude, we all go to St. Matthew’s or are all home schooled. And if you haven’t been yet you’re in for a surprise.” He said to me.

“What like people outside of this…sick whatever don’t go to school at St. Matthews?” I asked.

“Oh no, they do just a lot of us do too. You’re going to be in 8th right?” Cole asked.

“Yeah.” “You’re in what they call the lower school its St. Matthew’s for people under highschool. Next year it will be St. Matthew’s upper.” Cole said.

“Is it like bad or something,” I asked.

“No just a lot of rules like with everything else when you’re in the brotherhood. Certain things can’t be talked about but, you have to listen to any instructor especially one in the brotherhood they are all level fives and A LOT of things go on behind closed office and classroom doors at school so always knock.” Cole said.

Dom laughed, “And my favorite, ALWAYS make Wednesday confession, always always always! Man give me some of that,” Dom said to Cole reaching for the water bottle and taking a swig.

“I need some too,” I said holding out my hand, “Thanks.” I said taking a deep drink from the amazing bottomless vodka filled water bottle.

They told me more about school while we tried to ignore our ever growing hunger in hopes someone else might actually grab some food first and become the next unwilling participant in the party. They told me confession wasn’t normal confession and really it was an excuse to listen to you talk about every disgusting detail of what the brotherhood put you through while the priest jacked off to it. They said that there were teachers who usually had favorite pupils that could be a part of or not a part of the brotherhood all though brotherhood boys were more likely to keep their traps shut so they usually choose from among us and they would abuse that kid and some others if they felt the need to but usually they kept the number of kids they decided to abuse to a minimum. They also talked more about what it meant to be in the lower school.

We talked more about the brotherhood lightly while we continued to drink heavily. How there were different parties for different age groups and those age groups ranged from 7-9 and then from 9 to 14 and then from 14 to 19 and then 19 and up. There was also one massive party during the summer months where all age groups were included and it was a month long and men would bring in their progeny and men would form a line in front of the one they wanted to fuck until they had raped whoever they wanted they then waited for the leader to tell them they could take their progeny home and off they went.

They also told me this is where your name got entered into the bowl the most and to be very careful when I came to parties in the future and that shouting “no, don’t or stop” were huge not allowed things unless your current top (the guy who was raping you) told you to beg for mercy. By the time four pm rolled around we were all so trashed we had fallen asleep and other groups had pretty much done the same the tray table of food still untouched.

Sometime around six pm my Da appeared newly showered and ready to go and pulled me up from my cot. “Come on John we’re going home,” he said pulling to my feet rather roughly.

“For realsss?” I slurred.

“You’re piss drunk aren’t you?” he sighed at me.

“And hungry,” I laughed.

“We’ll get you some food on the way home, we’ll keep the windows down maybe you’ll be able to sober up,” he suggested he then caught a look at my neck out of the corner of his eye and grabbed my neck hard forcing my head to the left so he could have a clear look at the right side of my neck all the way from the bottom of my jaw down into my shoulder where it was starting to turn a deeper purple.

“Well, shit,” he muttered grabbing me by the elbow and pulling me from the room, shutting the door behind him.

He pulled me down the hallway back towards the entrance and threw me in a bathroom near the front door telling me to find my clothes and get dressed and that he would be right back. I wasn’t sure if he was off to find Ben or yell at someone about the state I was in but, I didn’t care. I didn’t stay in the bathroom either but, didn’t dare head back down the hallway, I exited the bathroom and stood in the foyer and sure enough there was a decent sized glass bowl with little papers inside on a console table in the corner just as Cole had said there would be. I stood there staring at it dumbly I remember feeling numb and not really processing anything other than the same words over and over like a broken record, “It’s true, this is my reality.” After a few minutes my Da appeared dragging a slightly ruffled and shirtless Uncle Ben behind him who had the widest grin on his face.

“I was just going to have one more...” Uncle Ben trailed off at the site of me in the foyer.

“Hey Johnny, want to sit in back with me?” he smirked.

I found myself unable to speak I felt like I was in an alcohol induced haze and was trying hard to register the look on his face before I had a chance to intercept it however my Da intervened. “Nope, coin toss,” My Da said pulling out a quarter, “Heads or tails Ben,” he said throwing it in the air.

“Tails,” Uncle Ben called out and Da moved his hand to see where the coin had landed,

“Heads,” Da stated the up side of the coin, “He sits up front.”

“Awesome,” I giggled despite myself.

“Yeah,” my Da sighed annoyed, “And guess who is getting their first coffee?” he said clapping me on the shoulder, “Come on let’s go.”

We got into the car and Da put the black bag back over my head but couldn’t get me to keep it on my head so gave up after about 10 minutes down the road because he figured I wouldn’t remember my way there anyway so there wasn’t really a point. He stopped at a McDonalds and got me food and then stopped at a dunkin donuts and ordered a black coffee kept it for five or so minutes and then made me chug it in hopes it would help sober me up. It did but only slightly.

“Da, why do people drink Coffee, that was gross,” I whined.

“Baby it was gross because it was black, black is supposed to help people when they are drunk,” he said turning down the road our neighborhood was off of.

Before I could stop myself I asked a question that had never really occurred to me before, “What do you call mum?”

“What do you mean?” My da asked looking at me briefly before he turned his attention back to the road.

“Well, you call me baby so what do you call mum when you’re with her?” I asked again.

“Usually sweetie or Dani girl,” he said ruffling my hair lightly.

“Why am I baby?” I asked.

“Because you’re my baby aren’t you? You’re my special boy and you always will be,” he said.

I remember swallowing hard a knot forming in my stomach. If I was so special, why on earth would he let people do things to me? Why was it ok for him to allow people to strap me down to a table and rape me and beat me until I was black and blue and couldn’t stand being in my own skin? Why was it ok for him to do the same?

We pulled into the drive way and Uncle Ben hopped out and went towards the house and I sat there for a minute mulling this over. Da reached over and undid my seat belt and he must have seen the look on my face because he stopped and sat back in his seat putting both hands on the steering wheel.

“You have another question?” he coaxed.

“If I’m special then why would you…” I started to choke out trying to choose my words carefully, “Why do you want me to be a part of that club?”

“It’s to help you. There are things you don’t understand yet. We have money but there are things in life that I can’t get for you and your siblings if we don’t know the right names. This group connects you to those names. These names get you into Harvard and Princeton and Yale, they get the right jobs when you’re finished with school. One day you’ll understand,” he said patting my knee affectionately.

Out of reflex I tried to pull away and that just made me grab my knee hard, “its ok baby,” he said pulling me back towards him. I could feel myself shaking and he could feel it too because he tried to pull me into his lap, “Baby, it’s ok you’re all right,” he said leaning into my ear and kissing right underneath it he then started to travel down my neck and I hissed in pain.

He pulled back in surprise with a look of anger on his face that then turned into a look of sympathy when he realized how sore my neck probably was, “Sorry, we’ll get you some aloe Vera, and rub it on there,” he said touching the skin gently, “Let’s go inside” he said opening up his door and when I didn’t open mine he opened it for me and he helped me out of the car.

When we got inside Mum and Will were in the kitchen but no one else was there as it was getting later and everyone was probably winding down for the night. The moment the door opened my mum started coming towards us and then she saw my neck and gasped putting her hand to her mouth, “What happened?” she asked worriedly.

“It’s nothing Danielle, don’t worry about it,” my Da said putting his hands on my shoulders and squeezing gently.

“I’m just tired,” I said. I was really tired I was exhausted my buzz had just about worn off and my body was sore in so many different ways I didn’t know how much longer I could stand before I collapsed. My mum looked at me cautiously and grabbed my hand.

“Will let’s take John upstairs ok?” My mum said helping me up the kitchen stairs and up into the elevator with Will following behind us.

“So, did your Da drop Uncle Ben off somewhere?” She asked once the door shut.

I just shook my head in reply.

“Did your Uncle Ben do that?” she asked me I shook my head again, “Your Da?” she tried again I shook my head again, “Can you tell me what happened?” she implored.

“I can’t talk about it,” I answered simply.

Will looked at me, “Did someone else do it?” My mom and Will both looked at me expectantly and I looked at my feet.

“Can we just not please?”

“John please, what happened?” My mum tried to coax me into saying something.

“I can’t talk about it,” I said and I could feel my body starting to shudder.

“Can you write about it in your journal?” My mum asked me.

“Sure, yeah,” I answered.

Just then the elevator dinged open and we stepped out onto our floor. I took a step and then felt weak and stopped, “Mum I’m so tired,” I said and I could feel myself swaying before my mum had a chance to steady me Will grabbed my shoulder.

“its ok,” he said, “I’ve got you.”

Mum stood on my other side to help give me extra support that they got me to my bedroom and mum went into my own bathroom and started running a bath for me as Will helped me lay down on the bed. I closed my eyes and after a minute I felt like I was starting to drift off. Next thing I knew my mum had stirred me from my sleep and had the Polaroid camera in her hand.

“Sweetie, before you get in the shower I need to take picture,” she said.

“Mum, please no,” I said turning my face away from the camera and covering my eyes with my uncasted hand.

“John I have to; it will help us later. It will help get us out of this,” she said snapping a picture of me because I had been laying with my head turned to my left exposing the right side of my face and neck to the camera giving her a good angle to take a picture of my bruises. “Will come help me,” Mum said to him as she pulled me up into a sitting position and started trying to pull my shirt over my head.

“Mum please,” I said as I started crying.

“Oh John, I know it’s hard honey but these photos and your journal are going to help us get out of here for real and they will put your Da and Uncle Ben somewhere where they can’t hurt any of us anymore so it’s important. I know you don’t want to I know it makes everything feel that much worse but it will make life so much better if we document things in the long run I swear to you. So please I’m begging you John let me take the pictures,” she said trying to comfort me.

I sighed heavily trying to stop my racing heart. I knew she was right and I knew it was important to make sure everything was documented as soon after it happened as possible but, that didn’t make it any easier and it didn’t make me feel any better. I took a couple deeper breaths calming myself and then I nodded my head in agreement, “Ok, can Will leave though?” I said simply pulling my shirt over my head.

“Yeah, I’ll go,” Will said opening the door and making sure he shut it quietly behind him leaving mum and I alone.

I could see her trying to stay calm as her hands shook and she snapped another picture of the hickies up and down my chest and the angry red line one of them had left leading from the middle of my sternum all the way down to below the waist line of my pants. There were very visible bruises in the shapes of the straps that were at the end of the shackles around my elbows and wrist and there were obvious bruises in the shape of fingers on my biceps. When she was done taking pictures of my upper body I wanted her to stop because I didn’t want to have to think of all of the other bruising and scratches that were under my pants but, I knew we had to keep going and I pulled off my pants realizing I didn’t have any underwear on for the first time since I had gotten dressed.

This time my mum gasped loudly and I saw tears starting to form in her eyes that she blinked back as she made me lay back down so she could unbandage my hip and then she saw my brand and snapped a picture. She then moved down and made sure she got good pictures of the bruises around my scrotum and shaft as well as the ones on my inner thighs along with the bruises across my shins and around my ankles. She then helped me stand up and took pictures of the bruises up and down my back and my ass and by then I was cold and crying and my mum was crying with me.

“Let’s get you in the bath huh?” She said helping me up and leading me into the bathroom holding me while I lowered myself into the bathtub.

“This isn’t fair mum,” I said as mum put soap on the bath puff and handed it to me.

“I know bud. I’m working on things but, I will make sure we get out I swear it’s just going to take time. I’m taking money out of the bank, only like 100 at a time at most, I want to try and get around 10,000 dollars’ cash and then we’ll leave, I’m on birth control so I don’t get pregnant again, I’m making money selling like quilts and stuff I make, I got 500 last week from a baby quilt I made and I’m making more. We’re going to get away I promise.” She said.

“Mum that’s 12 years, to get 10,000 dollars just about, I’m going to be 24 in 12 years. I’ll almost be out by then,” I said thinking of everything I had been told the night before.

“I would hope you’d be out of the house way before that bud what do you mean by almost out?” she questioned. “Trust me, I don’t doubt you. I need you to trust me,” she said looking at me closely, “I will get us out.”

“Have you thought of how? Even after you get the money together how are we going to survive, how are we not going to be found because you know they’ll look for us. Where are we going to go? How are we going to stay safe?” I asked her.

“John, I don’t know ok, I’m going to get a job we’ll be ok. I’ll find a place for us to go. I’ll…”

“Mum that’s not enough, you can’t just find something you need to know. You need to know mum otherwise we’re not going to make it very far. What about the car isn’t he going to report it stolen? How or earth is any of this going to work?” I interrupted her.

“John, please I’m working on it, you have to give me time.” She answered.

“Mum you see my hip? That’s what time buys every one of them. Will, Mikey, Matty, James eventually the babies, that’s what time buys us. Time is something we don’t have.” I said I could feel the words getting stuck in my throat afraid that she was going to be angry with me, yell at me but she didn’t she just sighed.

“I know John,” she said simply standing to leave she looked at me one last time and said, “Keep your cast dry ok?” and left the bathroom not really closing the door but making sure the bedroom door was close while she left me there to soak.

I stayed in the bath for a good while scrubbing myself repeatedly as if I could wash what they had done away. When the water grew cold I finally got out and put on some clean PJ’s. I was exhausted but knew better than to fall asleep naked. The house was quiet by that point and so I just climbed into bed and fell asleep with little to no effort. I thought I would have slept through the night I was that tired and sore but I didn’t. I woke up a couple hours later in a cold sweat shaking in fear and I sat up feeling like someone was watching me. I allowed my eyes to adjust to the light around me and realized no one was there. I sighed deeply trying to slow my heart rate trying to convince myself that at least for the moment I was safe, at least for the moment I was ok.


	7. 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More injury and abuse. How much can this kid take before he breaks?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, this is a very long story there is over 800 pages to part one on it's own you my dear readers are on page 96 by the end of this chapter. So if the chapters seem to end weird it's because it's already been written and I can't always think of a way to put a break in there that makes sense for a chapter like ending. If you see any mistakes or anything that doesn't make sense let me know and I will fix it again I don't have beta this is all my own work so bare with me if you think it's horrible quality let me know if you think it's a sick story, yes I know that it doesn't make me happy to write it but please if that's the case just don't read it.I'm good with comments if anyone wants to leave any. Tell me you want Connor and Ben and all of the other bad guys dead as much as I do it would make me feel a ton better about how sick and twisted my own mind is.

I got up and wandered to the small kitchen listening closely for sounds because I didn’t want to run into Uncle Ben or Da coming up or down the hidden pantry steps. Everything seemed fine and I made it to the mini fridge and grabbed a bottle of water out of it opening it up and taking a deep drink, wishing I had something stronger just to take the edge off when I heard a noise behind me and I must have visibly jumped before I turned around because next thing I heard was a very sheepish “Sorry,” and saw Mike standing behind me a couple feet away.

“Hey,” I whispered trying to keep things quiet.

“Are you ok?” he asked.

“Honestly? I’ve been better,” I answered, “You?”

“Well, Cat was asking for you all day so that was fun. I kept having to come up with excuses as to why you weren’t home. Otherwise things went pretty ok,” he said.

“That doesn’t really tell me how you are doing. That tells me how the day went,” I stated.

“True, but I try not to feel,” Mike shrugged.

“I know, same,” I said.

“It was nice being left alone for once, I mean since mum got home it’s been…” Mike closed his eyes and shook his head vigorously.

“I know, I tried to …” Mike stopped me.

“And that’s why you are where you are now and it looks like someone tried to choke you to death,” he mentioned my neck.

“That’s not from choking,” I mentioned touching my bruises.

“What’s it from then?” he asked curiously.

“Huhh,” I shifted my weight uncomfortably, “You know when Da kisses you really hard and it sometimes leaves a little red mark? It’s one of those.”

“Are you kidding?” Mike said looking surprised.

“I wish,” I exhaled.

“Was that from Da?” he asked.

“No he took me somewhere, it was you know the police officer we met at the airport?” I mentioned as casually as I could, “It was him.”

“No way! Da let someone else…?” Mike asked shocked.

“Yes, a couple people actually,” I sighed.

“That sucks,” Mike said, “ I …” He stopped, “John do you…?”

“You have a question?” I coaxed taking another drink and wishing again it was something stronger.

Mike took a deep breath, “John do you think what they do is like real sex like what the guys at school say is sex?” he finally took the plunge and asked the question.

I choked on my water, “Yeah because you know the bruising and soreness I have everywhere is fake…?” I looked at him confused and appalled.

“No, I don’t mean it like that sorry!” Mike said, “One of the guys in class said he walked in on his older brother who is around your age and his brothers friend who is a girl and they were naked and he was on top of her and he was kissing on her neck really hard and stuff and I was wondering if it was the same thing because isn’t sex supposed to like feel good?” he mumbled all at once.

“This is a REALLY hard conversation to have right now,” I stated, “From what I understood from sex ED in school last year it’s a yes and a no. Like when two people love each other in a romantic way then they get naked and do those things and I guess it’s supposed to feel good but I don’t think it’s exactly the same. Because I don’t love any of these guys I don’t want to let them touch me down there and stuff and if it is supposed to feel good they are doing a lot of stuff wrong because it hurts,” I answered.

“It hurts?” he asked confused.

“Let’s go sit down,” I said walking across to the family room Mike following me.

“Ok this is a very invading question here Mike but what have Da and Uncle Ben done to you?”

“What do you mean the same stuff they do to you I thought,” he answered simply.

“Ok well Da and Uncle Ben they do a lot of stuff to me. They don’t just kiss me and use their hands they do other things,” I said trying to keep myself calm.

“Really like what?” Mike asked confused.

“Well, they put their mouths on my penis,” I said and swallowed hard hoping Mike couldn’t see my embarrassment in the semi-darkness, “They put their penis up my butt, they tie me down and make me let them when I fight. They do a lot of stuff. Do they do any of that stuff to you?” I asked measuredly.

“No, they like kiss me and put their hands down there and stuff but they’ve never done any of that. Besides Uncle Ben did stuff with his mouth once,” Mike said. Mike stared at me silently for a minute and then, “They really do that stuff?”

I nodded, “Yep and trust me it hurts.”

“I believe you, it sounds like it hurts. I mean Da only showed me his once and made me touch it but, it was really big,” Mike said.

I coughed in surprise, “I think it’s time to go back to sleep Mike,” I said.

“I have so many questions though,” Mike said.

“There will be more time for questions later I think it’s time for bed and I’m tired,” I sighed.

“Ok,” Mike answered, “I’ll go back to my room. Can I ask more tomorrow?”

“We’ll see,” I replied as Mike hopped off the couch and started down the hallway towards his room.

“John?” he said.

“Yes?” I asked.

“I love you and not in a weird creepy way either in like a nice way,” he said, “I’d never hurt you or anything I promise.”

“I know Mike, I love you too,” I answered, “Try to get some more sleep.”

“Ok goodnight,” he said hurrying the rest of the way down the hall where I heard a door open and shut.

I took another drink of water and again thought about how it wasn’t really quenching my thirsts at all. I really wanted something, anything to numb me out so I didn’t have to feel my body or think anymore, “Fuck it,” I said to myself walking to the elevator and punching the button to open it. It opened and I punched in my code taking it down to the second floor, taking the back stairs into the downstairs kitchen and going up to the liquor cabinet.

I was barely tall enough to reach the bottom of it and stood on my tiptoes very carefully trying to coax the first bottle I touched out of the cabinet and into my good hand it was a Rum. I figured it would be an interesting taste and I was right after the first taste of alcohol faded there was sweet almost sugar like flavor so I took another drink and then waited a moment and decided I needed another I thought I heard a noise after that from somewhere out in the living room which I doubted it would have been my mom so I grabbed my bottle and quickly tiptoes to the staircase to hide in the shadow I knew it would cast in case someone entered the kitchen and watched in the darkness squinting in hopes it would help me see better. I heard another noise, yeah someone was really awake.

I felt my heart jump into my throat as I waited for them to come towards me, they turned on a table lamp outside the kitchen and I could see it was my Uncle Ben. I wanted to say fuck but tried my best to make sure I didn’t make a sound. I stood up slowly and crept up the stairs backwards, trying to make no noise as I made it back up to the second floor and pressed the elevator button. The elevator reeved to life and I jumped at the sound knowing it was too loud and that it would get his attention. I thought I heard him coming but the elevator opened and I still saw no sign of him so I hopped in and punched in my code sending me back upstairs.

I moved as quickly as I could down the hallway back to my room and thought I heard something just as I shut my bedroom door silently and crawled into bed hiding the rum under my pillow. Just knowing it was there made me feel a little more at ease. I wasn’t even drunk just slightly buzzed just enough to fall asleep.

When I woke in the morning I had a really bad headache and didn’t even really want to leave my bed but, I knew that they were going to need help with things, mum with the kids and the kids with just life so I got up and splashed cold water on my face grabbing some aspirin out of my medicine cabinet and going out into the hallway where I could hear chatter from the family room. I went into the small kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water taking my pills quickly and then felt a tug on my pant leg.

I looked down and it was Catherine looking up at me happily. “Happy birthday,” she said.

“Thanks kiddo,” I said, “What’s going on today?” I asked her wondering what had happened since I had been asleep.

“Mummy had us watch tv and told us to play the quiet game,” She said, “She went downstairs and left us up here with Mikey and Matty,” she said.

“Where’s Will?” I asked her.

“I haven’t seen him but, he’s not in bed,” she said, “Come see the picture I drew.”

“Listen Cat, I will later I’m going to go do something. I’ll be back in a couple minutes,” I said walking to the elevator.

“Can I come with you?” She asked.

“No, draw me another picture so I can see them both when I get back ok?” I said to her trying to redirect her attention to something else.

“Oh ok, I’ll draw you a big brown doggy!” she said running back into the family room just as the elevator came up and I stepped into it putting my code in and going back down stairs to the second floor

. I walked down the backstairs into the kitchen completely ignoring the second floor because I had a pretty good idea of where Will probably was considering I had seen Uncle Ben last night and ignored my better judgement when I had. I walked down the basement stairs leaving the door to the basement open and almost sprinted down the hallway to the red room and knocked on the door. I put my hand on the handle but it didn’t turn like it should have it was locked.

“Uncle Ben!” I shouted, “Come on BEN!” I shouted again and this time the door flew open so forcefully I thought he was going to pull it from its hinges.

“If you don’t mind Johnny I’m busy,” he said standing there fully exposed.

“Let him go,” I said exasperated.

“Why you wanna play instead?” he sneered.

“Sure,” I answered, “Let him go,” I repeated myself.

“Well come on in,” he said moving aside to allow me into the room.

“John? Really?” Will sighed from the bed that had the space cut out at the foot.

“Hello to you too,” I said going over to him and looking at the shackles around his wrists. “Let him go,” I said to Uncle Ben again and went to turn around when he wrapped his arms around my waist tightly.

“I didn’t say I would,” he said squeezing me around the waist causing my breath to catch and my good hand to grab his arm, “But you said you would play.”

“I will if you let him go,” I gasped as he squeezed even harder and I could feel him grind against me.

“I didn’t agree to that,” he whispered in my ear and started dragging me towards the other bed.

“Woah, Woah, no,” I said trying to pull free of his arms.

“Don’t agree to play if you don’t want to play my way,” he said falling forward pinning me against the bed on my stomach and fighting with me to pull down my pajama bottoms.

“Don’t!” I screamed trying hard to keep them on as he pulled them down and rubbed his penis against my ass crack and then entered me unlubbed and rough enough I screamed out loud and he reached down and smacked me on the small of my back.

“Shut up!” he shouted at me as I could feel him tearing me inside.A burning pain spreading up and down my body as he pinned down my arms by my elbows and used his knees to keep my legs spread digging them into already bruised parts of my legs. I stopped struggling and he held me there for a minute.

“You’re hurting me,” I said quietly.

“You said you wanted to play remember? I never said I would let him go if you did you just said you would,” he said thrusting hard into me making me bite my lip to keep from screaming out, “You want me to make you feel good too? I want to do that as well,” he said thrusting again this time harder than before.

“Ben,” I said through gritted teeth trying to control how much pain I showed, “I need you to… OHFUCK!” I said as I felt a ripping sensation and the burning increased.

My scream just made him thrusts that much deeper and faster and I found myself trying to catch my breath as the pressure that his body exerted on mine increased. With every thrust it felt wetter and wetter and I knew I was bleeding and I could hear him moaning in pleasure as each thrust brought him closer to climax.

“Stop,” I whispered breathlessly not even sure if he heard me, not really caring either.

He didn’t stop of course, why would he? He came inside me and then turned me over so I was laying on my back and he looked down at the blood on his dick and laughed to himself, “Well that’s ok,” he said, “Nothing wrong with it being a little rough sometimes.”

“A little?” I rasped as he reached over and grabbed the shackles and fastening it around my good wrist.

“Wait here,” he said licking my cheek as he got up and walked away towards Will.

I could hear Will pleading and screaming just like I had but I felt sick the burning pain coming from my ass not ceasing at all my face also felt raw from all the tears I kept crying and I could also feel blood and semen leaking out of me which made it even more uncomfortable to move. When he was done with Will he came back over to me straddling me on top of the bed.

“I have an idea,” he said a look of glee on his face.

“What?” I winced in pain.

“You let me mouth fuck you I’ll let you walk, you let me blow you after I let you both go,” he said raking his eyes down my naked body quickly and then back up to my face.

I was in more pain than I had ever felt before in my life. I figured if it got both of us out of there it might be worth it because I wouldn’t feel myself climax anyway, heck I didn’t even know if I could I was in so much pain, “Fine just let us go,” I grunted.

He sat down on my shoulders forcing my mouth open and shoving his dick in my mouth. He looked at me and said “If you bite I’ll fucking kill you.” I knew he meant it then he painfully shoved it to the back of my throat making me choke but then he pulled out. He did this repeatedly until he climaxed and made me swallow. After he was done with that he kissed his way down the center of my body hitting the bruises that were already there on purpose I’m pretty sure and with each one I jumped a little.

He gave me a hand job to get me hard and then he started licking the head of my penis but, I was having trouble holding my erection he looked up at me seeming frustrated.

“Can’t keep it up? That’s not usually a problem with you,” he scoffed.

“Sorry, please can you let both of us go now,” I said, “I’ll owe you.”

He sighed looking at me for a moment and then “ok,” he said unlocking my restraint and then going over to Will and doing the same.

“Go,” he said simply entering the bathroom without looking back as Will ambled his way off of the bed he was on and walked up to me.

“Can you move?” he asked. I tried to sit up and a sharp stabbing pain shot up into my lower abdomen, “Shit, I don’t know,” I cried out.

“We need to try and get upstairs before he comes back out,” Will said to me, “Come on,” he said pulling me up and supporting my weight with one of his shoulders.

“FUCK!” I screamed out as pain shot through my body again. “John, You need to help me out here, we need at least get to the kitchen,” he said swaying under my weight.

I started hobbling cow boy style trying to walk on my own. Even the smallest movement hurt and I was wondering if I wouldn’t be better off crawling when we got halfway down the hallway so I went to get down on the ground and Will must have heard movement from inside the red room because he grabbed me and pulled me up onto his shoulder again, “No come on John just up the stairs that’s as far as I need you to go I swear.

“You have no idea how bad this hurts Will,” I gasped.

In all honesty I felt like I was still bleeding heavily because all of this stuff was leaking out of me and down the back of my legs. My bruises had bruises and it hurt to walk. That was the first pain I had ever felt in my life at that point and I thought I was going to die because, well I mean how much pain do most 12 year olds have to compare to each other? Somehow I actually managed to stumble/crawl up the basement steps with Will’s help and he managed to open the door using our body weight. Da was standing there when the door burst open both of us naked on the other side of it. Da looked at me and then at Will and then at Me again just as mum came down the stairs baby in hand.

“Oh god,” she shouted hurrying the rest of the way down the stairs and setting Seamus down in a highchair, “What happened?” Mum asked.

Will answered before I could, “Uncle Ben mum, it was bad I’ve never heard John scream like that EVER! I think he’s hurt super bad.”

“Will,” I said just as he let go of me and I collapsed beside him grabbing my stomach.

“Oh John,” my mum said touching my forehead, Connor can you help me get him upstairs to a bed?” Mum asked looking at my Da.

“Yes,” he said coming to me and scooping me up and holding me close to his chest. My heart started beating fast I couldn’t take being touched by him at that moment I wanted him to let me go but I was in too much pain to fight against him so I just started crying again. Him and Mum took me upstairs and Da put me in a guest bedroom and Mum shut the door and turned on the light and then looked at my Da.

“Connor your shirt…” she said causing both him and I to look at it, it was covered in a very bright red streak it then dawned on all of us what that meant. He had torn me and torn me pretty good. The fact that it wasn’t dark red meant it was fresh and near the surface and not coming from somewhere more serious but the fact that it was still bleeding pretty good meant it was a significant tear.

“Dani girl, can you go grab him some underwear and maybe one of your panty liners or a pad?” My Da said looking at my mum.

She swallowed and nodded, “Yeah just a moment,” she said leaving the room in such a hurry she almost slammed the door behind her.

“I’m going to fucking kill him!” my Da hissed under his breath gently taking my arm and looking at my bicep and elbow where more bruises were starting to come in, “John I’m sorry, he shouldn’t have been so rough.”

If I hadn’t of been in so much pain, there were so many things I would have said at the particular moment. I probably would have mentioned the fact that it shouldn’t have been happening at all let alone “so rough” or that I thought both of them were perverts and wished they would both die. I however was in too much pain to do anything but squeeze my eyes shut and hope he would quit touching me and pretending her cared.

Just then my mum got back in and she helped me put some boxer briefs on that had a giant weird white pad of some kind in it to catch the blood coming from me. I thought about how humiliating this was but she put it on and then gave me some painkillers leaving me to lay there because they thought it might be better if I slept it off. I think I slept most of the day and when I woke up there was a sandwich that I felt well enough to eat and then ended up climbing back into bed and falling back asleep. Next time I woke up I was in worse pain then I had been before and I could tell something was really wrong.

I felt so weak at first I wasn’t sure I could even call out but I tried, “Mum,” I rasped and I as I spoke I realized how sore my throat was, I cleared my throat and tired again, “Mum,” I managed a little louder and then I took a big breath and tired one more time, “MUM,” I yelled and then ended up choking on the words but she had heard me because she came into the room.

“Are you feeling better?” she asked and then took a closer look at me, “Hold on,” she said leaving the door cracked as she ran down the hallway. She was back in a matter of minutes a thermometer in hand and she stuck it under my tongue and made me wait a minute until it beeped. She took it out and frowned at it.

“Ok bud, stay right here I’ll be back in a couple of minutes,” she said and the left to go use the phone. It was probably 10 or so minutes when she came back into the room and she touched my forehead, “Dr. Palmer is coming. You’ll be ok.” She said going downstairs.

In about fifteen minutes Dr. Palmer roused me from the sleep I had fallen into, “Hey John,” he said, “Can you tell me what’s wrong?”

“My stomach hurts, I feel super tired. My throat is super sore and I was bleeding but, I’m not sure anymore,” I answered.

“Bleeding? Where?” he asked.

“My Uncle Ripped me,” I groaned.

“Ok, John I need to look,” he said reaching down into a black bag and grabbing some medical gloves and a metal thing that looked like a duck bill.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Mum, come in here please,” he said and mum opened the door, “Could you please turn on the light and help me lay him on his stomach, I have to take a look at his rectum.”

“What? No, no, you can’t,” I said finding the strength to shake my head rapidly.

“John, it’s ok I’m going to be right here,” My mum said.

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” I asked my voice rising as she helped Dr. Palmer lay me on my stomach.

“Ok John hold still this is going to feel uncomfortable but, it will let me determine how bad the injury is and if you’re going to need surgery so hold as still as you can.” He said as I felt something that was very wet and cold get inserted into my Anus.

“Ok hold still you’re going to feel some pressure, squeeze mums hand if you need to,” he said as he started to use the beak to spread open my anus.

“Ok I see it,” he said, “It’s not horrible but it does look to be slightly inflamed which means infection. I think I can pass this off as a fissure caused by hard stool and get him to the hospital and on broad spectrum antibiotics just to be safe but, that’s up to you Mum. I’ll call ahead and have Dr. Klein meet us at the hospital.”

“Do it,” she said.

“No,” I said, “I don’t want to.”

“John you’re very sick, you need to go to the hospital,” My mum said to me, “You’re going to be ok.”

“No Mum, please just keep me home,” I begged. “No,” I said again.

“Call Dr. Klein, have him meet us there,” she said to Dr. Palmer.

“Ok, I’m going to take him in my car and we’ll go straight through to a bed, private room,” he said moving to pick me up, “Danielle stay here with the rest of the kids, come in tomorrow,” he stated.

“Mum please!” I said terrified.

I had a new brand on my hip an anal fissure and I was still covered in bruises from the party and I really didn’t think going to the hospital would do me any good at that point in time and didn’t see how it would benefit my family at all but before I could say another word Dr. Palmer put me back down on the bed and started refiling through his bag and then took out a needle, “I’m sorry John but, this will be easier,” he said giving me a shot in the arm. Within a minute or two I started to feel dizzy and then I don’t remember anything after that for a while. As I seemed to drift into another world a world that was blank and peaceful.


	8. 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John ends up in the hospital due to injuries and has a discussion with someone that has grave consequences or so he's told. Will starts to learn things about the brotherhood as well and Connor/Da gets some new ideas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is a long story I'm sorry but for some reason I feel the need to share it. Know that again I don't believe raping anyone let alone a child is ok. The saddest thing about this story is it is probably an experience someone somewhere has had considering the world is filled with over 7 billion people. No one should ever have to go through this, no one should feel this alone or responsible for what's happening to them if they are in situation even though they often do. Trust me I know from personal experience, this story is one way I cope with those remaining feelings, feeling like things were my fault like I somehow deserved what happened. If you know anyone going through anything like this please get them help if it's you please tell someone who can help you. You don't have to be alone hell if you need any help with anything don't let yourself be isolated, seek help. I would like some comments but I'm used to not having request meant so leave one tell me you want my assholes to die as much as I do would really make me happy or don't.

The next thing I remember was waking up in a hospital bed and staring at an IV in my arm. I wasn’t sure exactly what had happened but I found myself alone and could tell I was feeling much better then I remembered feeling in a while. I decided to just settle in and watch some TV when I saw a familiar face lurking in the door way. It was Dr. Jeffries from my previous ER visit.

“Mr. McGregor?” he said trying to sound surprised to see me there even though I was sure I had been there for a bit and had a feeling this wasn’t his first stop by my room, just the first time he had found me awake.

“Hey,” I said looking at him cautiously.

“You remember me?” He asked.

“Dr. Jeffries the shrink,” I answered.

“Woah, you are awake for sure young man,” he said, “You mind if I sit and chat for a while?”

“Can I really tell you no?” I asked.

“Well," he said pulling up a chair near the foot of my bed and sitting in it, “You can, I would be respectful but I would hope if you needed to talk or anything you might ask for the nurses to find me later.”

“What makes you think I would need to talk?” I asked.

“Well my young friend, I know much about the world,” he sighed, “And I know a lot about fathers and gut feelings and when I met yours I got this gut feeling that your father was trying to hide something. I am not sure and tell me if I’m wrong here but, your dad isn’t the best guy to be around or at least that was the feeling I got. Am I wrong?”

“I won’t talk about my Da,” I said.

“So am I, right?” he asked me again.

I shrugged in response. I wasn’t sure why but something about this seemed wrong. Dr. Jeffries didn’t seem dangerous or like he was asking because he wanted to hurt me but I felt like it might be some type of trick.

That and what would happen if I did open up about things? Would I be killed would my siblings be killed? It wasn’t just Da and Uncle Ben that I had to worry about anymore it was this whole group of who knew how many people and who knew where they were or what jobs they had. I knew I had to be careful about what I said if I chose to say anything at all.

“I see,” he replied to my silence.

“Are you seeing a therapist?” he asked me I looked at him slightly confused and he added, “For the molestation you suffered from that your dad mentioned when I met you in the ER?” I shook my head.

“That must be a lot to deal with. Feeling like there is no one to talk to about it. You’re probably too embarrassed to talk to your dad and don’t want to upset your mom and I think your Dad mentioned younger siblings, don’t want to bother them with that stuff. Has Dad taken you to see anyone?” he pressed.

“Why does it matter to you?” I could feel my body language turning cold and he shifted so I was pretty sure he could see it on my face.

“You’re young something like this can affect you the rest of your life if you don’t get help dealing with it, it can really eat at you is your dad purposefully keeping you from getting help?” He asked.

“Will you stop? It’s my problem ok? I’ll handle it,” I said.

“Like you handle everything else?” he pressed, “Like you are handling that broken arm or how about in your chart you have a lot of bruises charted, the backs of your thighs, your elbows, forearms, biceps, abdomen and what about that nice one on your neck that’s healing? How are you handling those?”

“Just fine,” I hissed.

“You know what I think? I don’t think the molestation stopped. A lot of your bruising is common injuries you find on rape victims. I think that your dad either knows about it or he’s doing it and that’s why he doesn’t want to get you help or he is trying to keep you from talking about it to people.”

“SHUT UP! GO!” I said pointing to the door.

“Did I hit a nerve or is this teen angst?” he said standing to leave.

“Just go,” I said turning away from him.

“If he is there are people who can help. You shouldn’t have to…”

“Have to what? You don’t know my life. If there was something going on why would I tell you? What makes you think there is anything anyone could do to help me if there was?” I asked.

“No one is past helping. And you’re right I don’t know your life but I’m willing to bet there is something going on you don’t want to or feel that you can’t talk about but just know I’m sure you’re not alone and if you ever want to talk about it I’m here just ask the nurses to look for me ok?” he said getting up and walking to the door. He left and just when I thought I might be alone my Da appeared in the door way.

I shifted uneasily when I saw him. He came in and he shut the door and my whole being went into high alert. “Hey baby,” he said coming over to the bed and grabbing the chair Dr. Jeffries had been in bring it up towards me so he could sit next to me.

I braced myself and just as I knew he would he kissed me on the lips in a way that a dad does not kiss a son, “Feeling better?”

“I don’t know,” I answered, “I’m not in pain anymore.”

“Good. Uncle Ben is spending some time away for a while,” My Da said, “I didn’t give him permission to do that. You know, that, right?”

“For what? Fucking me so hard I ended up in the hospital or to just do it?” I asked.

“When did you start talking like that?” he asked, “Swearing like that?”

“Sorry, usually I don’t talk like that around you,” I said sheepishly.

“No, I actually think it’s pretty hot,” he said touching my knee tenderly, “None of it, he’s not supposed to touch you unless I tell him he can and he certainly can’t put you out of commission,” my Da replied to my question.

“Did they ever tell you what was wrong with me?” I asked.

“Just a tear, some bacteria got into it and caused a small infection, it’s cleared up though and you should be ready to go home soon,” he said.

The room was silent for a few moments before he spoke again“John I really am sorry about this you know?”

“Yeah,” I said casually.

I was mulling over what Dr. Jeffries had said about my Da about how he wasn’t a good person. How it seemed like he was trying to hide something and when I thought about my relationship with him I wasn’t sure he was trying to hide anything but more trying to lie. When I was that age I thought, he loved me just in a way that he shouldn’t but, looking back I realize it was never love.

It was blackmail, it was coercion, it was using anything I could offer him to his advantage but, it was never love. When someone loves you they don’t hurt you. When someone loves you they respect your boundaries and that was one thing my Da never respected.

To him my mum, my siblings and I, we were all just things, toys he could play with and abuse we weren’t real people. We were things he could control completely and that’s what he loved about us. He would say he loved us, he loved me. He would whisper it when he kissed me like he shouldn’t, when he stuck his tongue down my throat when he bit into my neck, when he was inside of me, when he was grinding against me and grabbing my ass. He would whisper it so often that at the time I did believe he loved me but the truth was he didn’t. I’m not sure my da could love. I’m not sure he even knew what love was.

“No, I am,” he insisted, “He’s going to be away for a while, I might let him come back at some point but he’ll be away at least through vacation,” he said.

“Am I going to go to school after break is over?” I questioned.

“Yes, your mum and I have discussed it and it would be best for you to make some friends and spent some time out of the house. That and your mum and I want to work on expanding the family,” he said.

“You really think you need more kids?”

“John, you’ll always be special to me. Don’t worry about more kids your mum and I can afford them so why not?”

“I don’t know,” I sighed.

“Everything will be fine I promise. You’ll always be my favorite baby I swear,” he said leaning in and forcing another kiss on me.

“I just I don’t know Da, what’s the point in that? Having so many kids I mean mum has a hard-enough time already,” I told him.

“Has she told you that?” My Da questioned me eying me seriously.

“No, Da she hasn’t it’s just she seems so tired all the time. Maybe hire a nanny or something?” I suggested.

“I suppose I could I know that Kingly has a daughter that’s a young adult. She might do and she won’t get in the way,” he muttered more to himself then to me, “Yeah I suppose that’s a good idea.” He said leaning over my arm slightly and whispering in my ear, “Can I suck you?”

“Da!” I said forcefully out of surprise. That wasn’t something that he would usually ask to start with and second I was in a hospital bed in a very occupied hospital where anyone could walk in at any minute.

“Is that a yes?” he said starting to bite on my ear lobe pushing harder against my side climbing on top of me.

“Da please,” I whispered even though I instinctively wrapped my arms around him.

“Just let me, just relax baby,” he said reaching his hand under my covers and grabbing me and rubbing my penis.

I took a deep breath trying to push his hand away, “Da, please,” I whispered, “I would rather you didn’t.”

“You’ll enjoy it though, you always do,” he said back, “I could do what the leader did,” he said sucking on my neck where the bruises had just started to fade, “You seemed to like that.”

“Can I use the N word?” I asked as he rested more of his weight on me and stopped grabbing me for a moment to kiss me more aggressively.

“Are you going to tell me No?” he asked pulling away to look at me.

I swallowed. That’s exactly what I wanted to do and that’s why he had asked the question. I didn’t want to make him angry but, this was something I didn’t want to do all I could think of was what if a nurse walked in? Then everyone would know and I didn’t want other people knowing. It was bad enough that mum knew what it was like between him and I. I didn’t, I couldn’t deal with anyone else knowing.

“Come on,” he said nudging my neck and biting my ear lobe and then kissing my cheek his mouth finding its way to mine and me opening my own mouth willingly letting him kiss me passionately even though my skin was crawling.

He eagerly accepted the invitation and then broke the kiss to shift his weight, “that’s it,” he whispered in my ear.

He pulled the blankets off me and started to undo the ties holding on my hospital gown. He was going to make me get naked to do this. He got the top tie undone and started kissing my shoulders and collar bone passionately reaching to undo the tie in the middle of my back that would make the gown totally loose.

“Slow down,” I said as he got the tie undone and started pulling the gown away, “Da, slow down!” I muttered again as the gown landed on the floor and he kissed right above my belly button, I started crying “Da, Da,” I said barely above a whisper as I felt my whole-body tense waiting for the wetness of his mouth to engulf my tip as he shifted himself even lower so that he was laying on the lower part of the hospital bed. He grabbed my hips and pulled me close to him trying to pull the covers over his head as he held my left hip and kissed my right.

“It’ll be exciting,” he said, “the thrill we might get caught.”

“That’s what you call it?” I half-laughed half snorted.

“There’s that angsty teen I met earlier,” he said licking my length as I shivered despite myself.

He deep throated me and my breath caught in my throat. I could feel myself getting hard despite myself just like I always did. I reached down and grabbed the back of his head not in affection or to communicate consent but to try and get him to stop even though he didn’t take it that way and he sucked harder more urgently. I bit my lip to keep myself from moaning or crying out and he continued and kept sucking as the tingling feeling that started at my toes started traveling up my legs and into the rest of my body. I took a deep breath trying to control my reaction as I felt my face flush and tears start to swell in my eyes. He put a finger in my asshole and I nearly screamed out and that is when he stopped.

“We’re in a hospital. You’re sure to get us caught if you make noise,” he said matter a factly, “You know how much trouble you would be in if we did get caught? They would take you away and you’d never see any of us again.”

“I-I-I’m sorry I wasn’t expecting that,” I stammered as he got off of me and picked my gown up off the floor quickly started to tie it back on.

“I thought I’d try something different,” he sighed, “well another time I suppose? I have to head home to take care of something,” he said finishing putting my gown my back on, “Your mum will be by later,” he said walking to the door and leaving.

I shivered and pulled my covers tighter around me closing my eyes hoping that I would be alone to allow my body to calm down because I could still feel it tingling slightly when the door opened again. I sighed loudly.

“Did I come at a bad time?” it was Dr. Jeffries again.

“I thought you might want to play checkers or something, I mean it’s not exactly exciting around here and there isn’t a lot on tv right now,” he said.

“Kind of not in the mood,” I said.

“Might help take your mind off things since you seem to worry a lot,” he said, “I saw your father leaving.” He added.

My body language must have changed because he stood still for a moment. “Here, we’ll play checkers with a twist each move we have to answer a question. You can say pass if you don’t want to answer ok? Might make you feel better,” he suggested.

I looked at him critically. I knew this was a trick but he was right I didn’t want to sit by myself and think about my life and what had just happened or my relationship with my Da at all. “ok,” I said.

“Awesome, thank you this saves me some boredom I don’t have any appointments until around 6,” he said setting up the board, “ok Mr. McGregor you go first, so first move and question are yours.”

“How long have you been a therapist?” I asked making my first move.

“Well, I am not a therapist I am a psychiatrist which means I’m a dr. I can prescribe medication and for a while. I’ve been here for around 13 years and before that I worked in Chicago,” he said and then he made his move.

“How many siblings do you have again?” he asked.

“Well, my mum had another set of twins two months ago so now there is Will, Mikey, Matty, James, Cat, Andrew, Laura, Malachy, Seamus and Mary so that’s 11,” I said and then made my next move. “Do you have any kids?” I asked.

“A daughter she’s 17,” he said, “Where’s your mum?” he asked taking one of my chips.

“She’s home now,” I said, taking two of his “Why are you so interested in me?” I asked looking right at him.

“You seem like you need help. Is your uncle still living with you guys?” He moved a piece to my side of the board and flipped it. I must have visibly flinched because then he added, “You can pass if you want, remember.”

I made my next move, “He’s gone for now,” I said, “What’s your favorite color?”

“Orange,” he answered, “You think he’ll come back?” he moved.

“I know he will,” I said sadly without thinking, “Are you married?” I finally made a piece reach his side of the board.

“Divorced,” he sighed, “Why don’t you want him at home?” he asked taking two of my pieces.

“Pass,” I said without even thinking about it, “Why did you get divorced?” I made my next move taking two more of his pieces.

“That was a good move,” he commented, “Work. Work took over my life,” he answered, “Is it both of them abusing you?” He made his move and looked at me and I stared back in silence.

“pass,” I said quietly. I made my next move and couldn’t think of another question, “are you going to do anything?”

“That question is rather vague but I’m assuming you mean about what I suspect? I can’t unless you disclose or there is evidence,” he answered taking another one of my chips, “Let’s be hypothetical here for a second why would you protect them if they were?”

“Hypothetically? I have 11 younger brothers and sisters; I have a mum who hypothetically gets smacked around which is why she can’t really protect anyone so maybe it’s not about protecting them but about protecting everyone else. Hypothetically speaking of course,” I said measuredly.

“I’m done playing,” I said.

“You’ve almost won,” he answered, “You can ask me anything, nothing is off limits.”

I sighed he was right I had almost won the game after all, “What would happen if they hypothetically were doing things?” I asked.

“Well, first I would listen because that’s my job I wouldn’t pressure you to tell me anything you weren’t ready to talk about and then I would have to call social services and summarize for them what you told me. They would then determine if they were going to investigate for the state. If they decided to go forward with an investigation and found anything that supported what was said they would then determine the best course of action which depending on who it was would be removing them from the home and pressing charges against them or removing hypothetically you and your siblings from the home and finding a different place for you guys to live, this could be temporary until the people hurting you were in prison or it could be permanent depending on circumstances. Considering how many of you there are though you probably wouldn’t be placed somewhere together.” He made his last move putting his piece in a spot where I could easily take it.

“That’s what I thought,” I said making my last move and taking his last piece.

“Are your father and uncle…” I cut off his last question,

“No,” I snipped, “I’m tired I need a nap,” I said.

“Ok, I’ll go,” he answered, “good game thank you,” Dr. Jeffries said getting up and leaving.

My brain was tired and reeling, I was sure he knew now before I had said anything. Telling for sure was not a risk I was willing to take because unless I was with them there was no way I could protect them. And what if it came out and I wasn’t believed then what would happen? Da would probably have me sent away for telling and then everyone else would be in serious trouble. That wasn’t going to happen. I would make sure of it I thought to myself as I rolled over.

I managed to drift off to sleep for a while and I woke up to myself screaming and my mum leaning over me concerned. “Honey, it’s ok you’re having a bad dream. Everything is ok,” she said to me trying to sooth me.

“Mum? When did you get here?” I asked.

“About an hour ago,” she said, “I didn’t want to wake you,” she said rubbing my forehead, “but then you started screaming. I haven’t seen you have a nightmare like that in a long time.”

“I’m ok,” I said, “Who is watching everyone?”

“Your Da said he knew the prefect girl to be a nanny and he invited her over, the babies seem to like her and she seems nice enough so I thought I would give her a couple of hours and see how it works out,” she answered.

“Don’t do this again mum,” I sighed.

“Do what?”

“Trust him, please mum don’t fall for it again,” I begged.

“I’m not, I’m appeasing him I have a plan trust me,” she pleaded.

“When do I get to go home?” I asked her.

“The doctor said he just wanted to give you another day. He said apart from your tearing and bruising you were suffering from exhaustion. He said that was what he was most worried about. I’m just glad your uncle Ben is gone for now. Hopefully we’ll be off by the time he gets back around.”

“How are you planning to leave if you’re going to be pregnant?” I asked eyes wide.

“I won’t be; I know we’re catholic but I’m making sure. I’ll put it right with god later,” she said simply.

I nodded, “ok.”

“I’ll figure it out,” she said and then kissed me on the forehead, “I love you, get some rest, I’ll keep Da busy, I love you.”

I was asleep for a while and when I woke up they were bringing breakfast. I still felt tired but my body ached even less than it had the day before and I knew that in about a day and a half I would be going home. Because I knew Uncle Ben was gone from the house I was looking forward to going home because I knew he couldn’t hurt me. I however was worried about Da and what he was doing. I knew my Da well and knew that if he couldn’t have me he would find someone else to play with in the meantime. After I ate my breakfast I found myself channel surfing out of boredom until there was a knock on the door and I had a pretty good idea of who it was.

“Come in Dr. Jeffries,” I called out.

“You knew it was me?” he asked.

“You seem rather interested in me so yeah I figured it was you or Dr. Palmer,” I answered still channel surfing, “Did you bring another game?”

“Cards,” he answered simply, “Want to play war?” he said taking the deck out of his lab coat pocket and shuffling.

“Sure, with questions?” I asked.

“If you want, we could do without though, just chat,” he said.

“Ok, no questions,” I said thinking this was probably a better option then with questions.

He started sorting the deck into two piles, “You’re feeling better?”

“Yeah, I can go home soon,” I replied as he handed me my deck, “you play first or me?”

“You can go first,” he said, “I have a feeling you don’t get to control a lot of things in your life,” he said.

I snorted in reply, “I get to control plenty for a kid.”

“Really? How so?” he asked.

“Just like little things, Sometimes I control when stuff happens, what movies we watch at home stuff like that,” I said.

“What stuff?” he asked as we started a war.

I stopped and looked at him, “no,” I said simply.

“You get to control no? That doesn’t make a whole lot of sense,” he commented as I won the pile.

“I won’t let you tear apart my family, it won’t work.” I said laying down another card which he took.

“Why do you think I’m trying to tear apart your family, why don’t you let someone protect you?” he asked.

“Even if someone wanted to they can’t. Not saying anything is going on just saying no one can protect me,” I said.

“That means there’s something someone should protect you from,” he said, “I already called social services so telling me won’t hurt if you want to that is."

I stopped for a minute. Did it really matter if my Da knew people in charge like he said he did? Could I tell this guy anything I wanted to and things wouldn’t change or would it be so bad if they did change. I mean after all my mum wasn’t happy with what was happening she just had a very limited ability to fix it so we would probably go back to her if we were taken away. Why not just say it? He was a guy it would be easier talking about to him then my mum. Maybe he would have some answers to some questions.

“Ok,” I said putting my deck of cards down on the table, “It’s all I’ve ever known you have to understand that,” I said.

“The abuse you mean? Is that why you’re afraid to say it? To talk about it?” he asked.

“Maybe, I don’t know,” I sighed, “I was like four, I used to hide Will my younger brother in the closet when mum wasn’t home so they wouldn’t…do stuff to him,” I felt myself tensing like I was getting ready to start shaking.

“What do you mean stuff?” he asked me.

I took a deep breath as the tremors started, “I can’t say it to an outsider,” I said trying to control my shaking.

“Yes you can, and if you do you take some of their power away,” he said, “You’re strong Johnathan, you can say it nothing bad will happen to you right now if you do.”

“I don’t think I can,” I said as I felt my teeth start to chatter I was shaking so badly.

“Yes, you can,” he said again.

My whole body was shaking and I started sweating heavily. I felt like my heart was going to beat it's way out of my chest like just saying the words, just admitting it I was going to die. I opened my mouth to speak and couldn't at first having to stop and take a deep breath, swallow. I waited a few moments until I was sure I wasn't going to throw up when I opened my mouth and tried again.

“so…so...so they…they wouldn’t have sex with him,” I answered finally saying it.

“That’s called rape,” he said calmly, “so they wouldn’t rape him.”

“I can’t,” I said starting to cry.

“Ok, it’s ok, you did good,” he said softly trying to comfort me.

“My mum has a plan,” I said.

“For what?” he asked listening intently.

“She’s tired of all of it. Of my da and my Uncle of watching us be destroyed from the inside out. She wants to take us and leave. I don’t know what her plan is, she won’t tell me I think because she believes it’s better if I don’t know so they can’t force me to tell them but, she says her plan is going to take time but, that she’s almost ready.”

“You think she’s planning to take all of you and run? Go through an underground maybe?” he asked.

“An underground you mean like runaway slaves?” I asked.

“Kind of they are networks that abused women use to get themselves and their children out. Give them new identities, new lives,” he said, “It’s hard to do but, it’s possible and I have known plenty who have gotten in touch with one and gotten away. After it happens you’re no longer you though, you’re given a new name a new social security number and you can never contact anyone from your old life again.”

“Like witness protection?” I asked.

“Yes, essentially,” he answered.

“I don’t think it’s going to work,” I said.

“Why?” he asked.

“He’ll never let me go,” I sighed.

“It sounds like he doesn’t want to let any of you to go,” Dr. Jeffries replied, “I think your mom is counting on that even if she can’t count on anything else.”

“No, you don’t get it,” I said shaking my head, “I think I can get him to let everyone else go but me if I agree to stay,” I said a numbness coming over me.

“That won’t happen, I’ll talk to your mom and her and I will do what I can to help,” he said.

“You’re going to help?” I asked suspiciously.

“You don’t deserve this and if this is the only way I can be 100 percent sure I can help you it’s what I’ll do. I believe you, I do but I don’t think you’re telling me everything and I don’t know if it’s because you’re not ready to or you feel it’s not safe but there’s more and I want to help you,” he answered.

Just then the door turned and my Da was right there, “Hi John, Hi Dr…. Jeffries, right?”

“Mr. McGregor, nice to see you again,” he said, “Your son was allowing me to keep him company.”

“Was he?” my Da asked glancing between him and I.

“Yeah we were playing cards,” I said holding up my deck.

“Well, thank you Dr. Jeffries I’m here now I can sit with him,” my Da said. Dr. Jeffries squared his shoulders and I exhaled.

“I don’t think that would be a good idea,” he told my Da.

“John what is he talking about?” My Da asked glaring at me.

“You know exactly what I’m talking about,” Dr. Jeffries answered standing in front of me so my Da wasn’t glaring at me.

“I wasn’t talking to you,” my Da said.

“I believe you are because you certainly aren’t talking to him anymore. Do I need to call security? Because you know what’s going on here if you want me to say I will say it. You aren’t talking to him, you aren’t coming near him, you understand?” Dr. Jeffries said.

“He’s my son and I will,” Da started to say.

“He’s not your son he’s your fuck toy,” Dr. Jeffries said and my breath caught in my chest, I knew I was caught.

“Really? That’s what you think? I love my son, you wouldn’t understand. If I were you I would back off unless I wanted to lose my pulse.” My Da said.

“Are you threatening me?” he asked.

“No simply stating a fact,” My Da replied, “Stay away from my son and my family, John get your clothes.”

“Da, I…” I started saying.

“Don’t just grab your clothes and get dressed I’ll call Dr. Palmer on the way out, we’re going home,” he snapped.

“Ok, ok,” I said getting up holding the back of my gown closed and reaching into the next stand by my bed grabbing my clothes and walking into the bathroom slamming the door.

I looked at myself in the mirror and mouthed the word fuck repeatedly at my reflection. This was not good at all. Why did my Da have to show up in the middle of this? I knew he wouldn’t kill me but I didn’t know what he would do instead of kill me was the big problem. I pulled on my jeans and my t-shirt shoving my underwear, undershirt and socks into the plastic bag and jamming my shoes on my feet.

“Da, I…” I said as he walked up to me and grabbed me by the back of the neck hard, “OUCH!” I yelled grabbing the top of his hand.

“Mr. McGregor, let your son go,” Dr. Jeffries said.

“Look at you, you’re already dead why am I talking to a dead man?” My Da said dragging me by the neck from the room.

“I’m calling security,” he said as Da started leading down the hall.

We were in the elevator before the phone really got dialed I’m sure because we didn’t see security and when we were finally in the car he let go of my neck and turned to look at me. “You killed that man are you proud of yourself? What did you tell him?” He asked me.

“I’m sorry. He guessed I’m sorry,” I said.

“Guessed what? That we were fucking? How does someone guess that John?” he hissed at me.

“We’re not fucking Da you’re fucking me…” I snapped before he cut me off.

“You like it, don’t lie to yourself we’re fucking as in a mutual consensual arrangement, if it wasn’t consensual I wouldn’t be able to make you cum so hard every single time. I got to make a phone call,” he said squeezing the inside of my knee.

I zoned out while he was on the phone thinking about how much trouble I was in and zoned back in just in time to hear, “I don’t care how it’s done just do it I want this guy gone! Yeah, yeah I understand just fucking get rid of him!” and he said pushing a button to hang up the phone.

“You got a new car phone?” I asked.

“It’s called a cellular phone, nice, right?” he said, “Maybe you can have one? I mean it will take some convincing,” he said his hand sliding higher up my leg.

“N…” he broke me off,

“Don’t you dare John, don’t even think about finishing that word,” he said leaning in close, “Just a little before we go home, we can finish when we get there, come on,” he said as he moved in close enough I could feel his breath on my neck.

“Really?” I said.

“Really," he said grabbing me and forcing his tongue down my throat as I grabbed the oh shit bar beside me.

When he broke the kiss, I was breathless and his hand was trying to get into my jeans. I shook my head, “Da please,” I said grabbing his hand and trying to pull it away.

“No, no, no,” My Da said, “Just a little baby come on,” he pleaded with me, “Good boy,” he said as I let go of his hand and he got my pants undone and stuck his hand in them grabbing me. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest as I tried to keep breathing and not give him what he wanted even though I could feel myself becoming aroused.

“Ok, ok,” I said to tell him I had had enough.

“No, I’m not finished yet,” he said starting to give me a vigorous hand job.

“Come on baby just a little bit,” he said pushing tighter into me.

“Da,” I choked, “Da please can we not do this here? Oh, sh….” I said as I felt myself starting to drip with precum.

“Ok, that’s it the rest can wait until we get home,” he said turning on the car and adjusting the review mirror so he could pull out and something in his face changed so I turned my head to look.

It was security looking in the parking garage with an actual police officer in tow. He saw me see them, “we’re ok don’t worry about it,” he said he said pulling out and casually driving past them before they even got a good look at us.

“Do you mind if I do up my pants?” I asked quietly.

“Go for it,” he sighed as we pulled out of the parking garage into daylight.

“Mum’s going to want to know why I’m home,” I said doing up my pants.

“Your mom won’t know your home until tomorrow when you’re supposed to be,” he answered simply.

“What do you mean? What are you going to do?” I asked starting to feel myself get frantic, this couldn’t be good.

“Well, you just killed a man so I thought you might be feeling guilty about that so we’re going to spend some personal time together downstairs.” He said.

“Da please, and I didn’t…”

“What kill him? The moment you told him or admitted to him what he thought was true you sentenced him to death, don’t be stupid John please. We’re going to spend some time together and I’ll “pick you up” from the hospital tomorrow morning around 10am. Even though I have an odd feeling we might be expecting a visit from Hank soon because usually shrinks don’t wait for a confession from the child when they suspect abuse so you’ll have to take care of that and if he brings any guest you’ll be taking care of them too.” He said.

“But Da Hank is, intense,” I said.

“Intense? I’ve never heard him described that way before,” my Da said laughing, “You get that from the party? The other bottoms?”

I exhaled.

“That is what the brotherhood calls it because well, you guys are on bottom usually,” he said, “You’ll be going to school with some of those guys after Christmas you know? Just don’t talk about it at school.”

“Yeah I was told. You don’t understand what I mean by intense do you?” I asked.

“I think I might,” He said, “Either way he’s your responsibility when they come knocking because you opened your big mouth understand?”

“Yeah I understand,” I said as we pulled into the drive way.

“Now wait outside and I’ll make sure your mom is upstairs with everyone else and then you can come in when I say it’s ok and you head straight downstairs not even a word until the basement door is closed.” He said parking the car in the drive way outside the back door.

I waited because I knew if I didn’t things would be worse for me and anyone Da might want to use as leverage to keep me in line. It didn’t take long before he stuck his head back out the door and waved me inside ushering me down the stairs and closing the basement door behind us. He was walking behind me and then he grabbed me by the hips and continued walking with me into the red room as he undid my pants and then opened the door pushing me inside and kicking the door closed with his foot as he continued to walk me towards the bed.

He pushed me forward a little roughly and I hit the bed the foot of the bed hitting me in the stomach as he grabbed my legs and lifted them up pulling my jeans off.

“turn over,” he said as he dropped my jeans on the floor I rolled over so I was on my back looking up at him as he undid his belt and took it in his hands staring down at me.

“what are you going to do with that?” I whispered afraid to ask.

“I’m trying to decide if I should punish you, you did just kill a man after all,” he sighed.

“I’ll be good,” I said instinctively.

“You will?” he asked excitedly, “Lately you’ve been resistant and in denial, how do I know you’ll be good?”

My stomach jumped, “Come here and I’ll show you,” I said as he straddled me and leaned down and I pulled him close and French kissed him even though it made me sick.

He responded like I thought he would by pushing me aggressively into the mattress as he broke the kiss and nibbled my ear lobe as he unbuttoned his shirt and threw it on the floor I wrapped my arms around him in an embrace and felt like I was going to be sick to my stomach but this was slightly better than being whipped until I was black and blue or worse watching him rape one of my brothers. He lifted my shirt over my head and got up taking off his pants and underwear. I felt my breath catch in my throat and he looked down at me.

“nervous?” he asked me as he started kissing down my body.

I exhaled out my mouth, “Why?” I whispered.

“You’re shaking,” he said hovering around my belly button he looked up at me intently, “You promised you’d be good remember?” he said starting to lick down my happy trail.

“I know,” I sighed squeezing my eyes shut, “Can I use the bathroom?”

“Yeah, do you need a drink?” he asked me.

“A drink, drink?” I asked cautiously.

“If that’s going to stop you from hyperventilating because you look like you’re going to,” he answered.

“I feel like I’m going to,” I replied.

“Ok, I’ll be right back baby,” he said grabbing his pants and putting them on, “Just the bathroom don’t go anywhere,” he said opening the door and going out.

The moment he was gone my stomach lurched and I ran to the bathroom and just barely made it to the toilet before I threw up on the floor. I felt sick with myself I wanted to cry but I knew if I started I wouldn’t be able to stop and that would not be me being “good” so I held it together and threw cold water on my face. I just got out of the bathroom when Da opened the door juggling a fifth of vodka and a liter of rum.

“This enough?” he asked shutting the door behind him.

I nodded and walked up to him grabbing the fifth and tipping it to my lips drinking as much of it at once as I could before I started choking on it.

“Woah, slow down baby you’re going to kill yourself,” he laughed taking the bottle from me and kissing me roughly.

I broke the kiss, “I need more,” I rasped.

“Ok,” he said handing it back to me.

I tipped it to my lips and downed as much of it as I could again and then took a deep breath and did it again twice more before he took the bottle away again and kissed me once more. He capped the bottle and put it on the floor while I crawled back onto the bed and he took off his pants again and moved to go straddle me.

“Can we wait for it to kick in?” I asked as he climbed back on top of me.

“Now, now you said you’d be good,” he reminded me as he bit lightly into my neck.

“I will just slow down a little, Da,” I rasped trying to control the impulse to push him away, “Da, slow…. slow down,” I said again balling my good hand into a fist to try and control myself, “Woah, ok… ok,” I whispered into his hair as he shifted putting one of his thighs in-between my legs up against my penis.

“Is it starting to kick in?” he asked kissing down my body again, “You’re shaking less,” he said finally reaching where he wanted to be and kissing one of my testacies.

He was right it was starting to kick in, I was starting to feel like I was drifting away, light headed bliss and it wouldn’t be too long before I didn’t remember any of what he was doing to me. The last thing I remember about that night was probably about three minutes later when he stuck his tongue deep into my ass hole after that everything gets fuzzy. When I woke up he was holding me and I felt like I had been run over by a train. I didn’t feel like I was going to throw up but I really didn’t feel good and then I saw the bottle by the bed so I moved towards it and grabbed it off the floor taking a quick drink and then I felt him move behind me.

I heard him laugh, “I think you’re turning into an alcoholic,” he said.

“How so?” I asked in-between drinks.

“You have a headache so you’re taking another drink just to take the edge off? Your grandpa used to do that and the drink is what killed him,” My Da answered.

I capped it and sighed, “Just as it has many an Irishmen Da,” I rolled my eyes.

“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that eye roll,” he sighed laying back down.

“Am I supposed to be home yet?” I moaned.

“Not for a bit,” he said, “Let me check my watch,” he said climbing out of bed and going over to the console table picking up his Rolex, “It’s like 9am John, a little too early still, I mean I got to go get dressed and go outside and get you and then come back so that’s like 10:30,” he said.

“Could we go again?” he said climbing back into bed.

“Then I won’t be coming home because I’m going to be horribly drunk all day,” I sighed.

“Am I that horrible?” he asked.

“No. I am,” I replied.

“I think you’re being over dramatic baby,” he said moving to wrap his arms around me again.

“Da, could you please?” I said tensing up.

“What? Really? After all of that last night you’re going to be cold?” he scoffed.

“I was piss drunk remember?” I sighed.

“Of course I remember you don’t moan like that when you’re sober, we tried that once and it didn’t work remember?” he said.

“Don’t remind me,” I said, “I’m going to try to go back to sleep I would really like it if you left me alone until it’s time for me to “come home” ok?”

“All right, I’ll get dressed and go be a dad to my other children,” he said getting up.

“Can you be a normal one?” I shot back.

“Normal is over rated baby but if you mean can I keep my dick in my pants yes, I suppose I could as long as…” I cut him off.

“give me more booze and you can do anything you like with me,” I said.

“Deal,” he said pulling his pants on, “Stay down here until…”

“Yeah, yeah,” I sighed, “I’ll let you come get me.”

“Ok,” he said shutting the door behind him.

I actually managed to fall asleep even though it was a short sleep and not a very fitful sleep. Da came and roused me, “Come on time to come home,” he said.

He let me get dressed and I walked up the stairs to my mum in the kitchen, “Wait I thought…” I started to question.

“Don’t worry about it baby,” my Da said.

I swallowed, “Mum?” I questioned because of the pasty look on her face. I knew something wasn’t right.

“John, you can go upstairs,” my mum said numbly looking through me and not at me.

“Mum are you ok?” I asked this time.

“John, I can’t talk with you right now go upstairs please,” she said still avoiding looking at me.

I stopped and something vague from the night before dawned on me.

“Da you didn’t?” I said as I felt the color draining from my face.

“And if I did?” he asked.

“Mum, that wasn’t what it looked like I was drunk I don’t even hardly remember,” I stammered.

My mum finally snapped out of her stupor, “Bud, it’s ok I’m not upset with you I swear, I just need you to go upstairs,” she said finally looking at me.

I swallowed hard, and looked at my Da, “Why?” was all I could manage I was so angry and hurt and embarrassed.

“She said you told her how much you hated it, how much it hurt you I wanted to show her that it doesn’t so I had her watch the video I made last night,” he shrugged.

I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me and felt myself sway slightly. It felt like all of the blood in my body was rushing to my head and face and my lungs were suddenly unable to pull in air. I leaned against the wall to keep myself up right and my mum rushed to me before my Da had a chance to touch me. I could hear them yelling but I don’t remember what was said only that I wanted to get away. I found my footing and ran up the stairs to the second floor making my way to the nearest room which was a bathroom. I started refiling through the medicine cabinet and found a whole liter of mouth wash which I downed as quick as I could before I heard my mum knocking at the door. I bent down next to the toilet waiting for myself to be sick due to how fast I had swallowed it and the fact that it was mouth wash.

“John! John let me in,” she was yelling banging on the bathroom door as hard as she could, “John it’s not you I swear! I’m not upset with you! John let me in please,” she was begging me.

I don’t even remember if I was crying or not but my face felt wet and my mouth was burning and my stomach felt like it was on fire I didn’t even stand but crawled over to the door on my knees and opened it up the alcohol already hitting my system. She was on the floor too and pulled me over the threshold into her arms.

“You’re ok, honey it’s ok,” she kept whispering rocking us back and forth trying to comfort me.

I kept shaking my head I don’t even remember saying anything just shaking my head vigorously as she rocked me until she stopped crying and we were both silent and still. She kissed my head, “You smell like mouth wash,” she commented.

“at least my breath doesn’t smell like ass even if I’m piss drunk,” I replied.

“Is that apart of…” she started to ask and I cut her off.

“How else I’m I supposed to live with myself?”

“Honesty you can’t drink yourself into a stupor and bitter attitude everyday honey,” she sighed, “I got a call yesterday while your Da was at the hospital, at least I think he was at the hospital with you. CPS was called and they’re coming over so can you try to…”

I cut her off again, “It doesn’t matter it’s going to be someone Da knows and I’ll have to be drunk to stand that trust me mum,” I said bitterly.

“What do you mean a friend of your Da’s? Are you shitting me?” my mum said so loudly I backed up.

“Sorry honey,” she said covering her mouth with her hands, “I’m beyond, I can’t do this anymore,” she sighed, “Between you and Will I just can’t,” she mumbled.

“What about Will?” I asked her.

“Never you mind,” she replied, “let’s get upstairs,” she said standing up and helping me to my unsteady feet.

“Yeah let’s. If you won’t tell me I’ll ask him myself,” I said not waiting for her to walk to the elevator with, I pressed the button and the elevator flew open and she almost didn’t make it to the door before it closed. I punched in my code and up we went the feel of the ascent not agreeing with my stomach. I half jogged half swayed my way to Wills room and opened the door not bothering to knock, I walked in and Will was mostly naked with his underwear rolled down exposing a bandage on his right hip and I knew. Da had taken him to a party and gotten him branded as well.

“He fucking didn’t!” I shouted or tried to shout.

Will sighed and looked at me, “John not… wait, are you? Really?” he said folding his arms like he was angry, “come on let’s get you to bed you can sleep it off,” he sighed grabbing my one arm as mum grabbed the other.

“IImma fiin,” mumbled.

“Sure you are, you’re just going to take a nap,” he said letting go of my arm and opening the door to my room, “sober up then come get some food yeah?” he added shutting the door as mum put me on the bed.

“I’m going to fix this I swear John, get some sleep,” she sighed kissing me on the forehead as I started to drift off to sleep.

I must have slept for a while because when I woke up the sun was going down and I had a killer headache. I rolled over feeling my heart beat pulsing in my head and instinctively grabbed the vodka from under my bed and took a swig and then capped it and set it back under there and laid back down and waited. I felt much better after that and then it dawned on me my Da was probably right, I was an alcoholic and I didn’t give a fuck.

In fact, I’m not sure I could have cared any less because at least when I was drunk or drinking I could live with myself and I didn’t have to be aware of what it felt like to be in my body. I waited until my headache was gone and then I went out into the living area. There was a Christmas tree up for the impending holiday just as there was a matching one downstairs. Everyone below the age of 8 was already in bed and Matt and Mike were playing a game on the Nintendo 64 while Will laid on the couch and watched every couple of seconds while he read a book. After a moment, Will noticed me and got up trying his best not to disturb the other two who were very immersed in their game.

“Hey,” he said to me.

“Yo,” I said back shifting my weight uneasily.

“You ok?” Will asked.

“I’m here,” I smiled grimily, “You?”

“same,” he replied.

“Mum’s not well,” he said going into the half kitchen while I followed him.

“I know; did she tell you what Da did?” I asked.

“Well, Da’s been doing a lot of things in past five days while you’ve been gone,” Will said.

“When I saw your hip I figured,” I answered.

“It’s not a big deal I wasn’t there for like 2 days like you. It was only a couple of hours. It was just like this weird dude and then they branded me and that was it. I got to talk to some of my friends from school for a while well Da did whatever,” he said.

“It is a big deal Will, I’m sorry I should have been here. It should have been me,” I said folding my arms in front of me.

“It already was remember?” Will shrugged.

I shrugged back. “Was uncle Ben there?” I tried to mention as delicately as possible.

“Isn’t he always?” Will asked, “I think he was told he couldn’t touch me though because he seemed to try and stay clear of me,” Will added.

“Yeah, Da is pissed he put me in the hospital. Da told me he’s not coming back until after the holidays.” I said.

“Well, that will help out some but I don’t know what we’re going to do about mum because since the morning she’s been …” he paused looking for the right words or expression to describe her, “You know the lights are on but there’s no one home? It’s been that type of thing,” he said.

I ran my hand through my hair nervously, “I can’t blame her, I mean after what Da did.”

“Wait what else did Da do? If it’s effecting mum you have got to tell me John because if she doesn’t snap out of it this doesn’t look good,” he said.

“I know, hold on,” I said looking over at Mike and Matt and then motioning for Will to follow me to my room, “come on I’ll tell you in here,” I said.

He walked into my bedroom and shut the door as I turned on the light, “What happened? What did he do?” Will asked really worried.

“He didn’t bring me home the morning, he brought me home yesterday afternoon and took me downstairs,” I said feeling the hair on the back of my neck stand up, “I umm… I didn’t want him to hurt anyone so I umm… I don’t remember too much he gave me enough booze I really… it’s foggy but there was a camera.” My good hand shot up and covered my mouth out of nervousness, “I’m pretty sure he showed mum,” I said into my palm.

“What?” Will asked staring at me blankly before his brain answered his question for him, “Oh geeze, are you ok?”

“I’m here,” I replied.

“that’s why you were so pissed earlier.” Will said as more of a statement then a question.

“I’m still slightly,” I replied “don’t tell.”

“You’re beyond stupid you realize?” Will said his eyes widening in frustration, “Just because all those guys do it doesn’t mean you have to as well. You know what you’re going to do to your livers the lot of you?”

“My liver, for now so I’ll do as I please,” I replied.

“That’s going to make her even worse and then guess who has to take care of everyone while your pissed off your ass and she’s just completely out of it? The nanny and I and let’s face it Karen isn’t exactly a great nanny,” Will said.

“You sound like you're my age. And I wouldn’t know I haven’t met her remember? Where is she anyway?” I said.

“Someone has to act your age because you’re sure not and she only works from noon to five so you were sleeping while she was here,” he said, “Do you think mum will be ok?”

“I don’t know I might have accidentally mentioned something else that she didn’t know,” I said waiting for him to start yelling at me.

His expression turned cold and angry, “What do you mean? Something else?” he said measuredly.

“I mentioned Hank because mum said she got a call from CPS and you know that’s who they’ll send him and someone else…” just then Will cut me off.

“John you didn’t!” he groaned, “You didn’t tell her who he is exactly did you? Because I’ve heard he’s worse than Uncle Ben.”

I found myself touching my back molar with the tip of my tongue which is a horrible nervous tick I have when I’m trying to keep from telling the truth or flat out lie about something. Will was actually the first one to discover this tick when we were around seven and five before anyone else was really old enough to care and when mum was too busy to notice.

“What John?” Will said folding his arms in front of him waiting for me to say what I was trying to not say. I just shook my head and did it again.

“John, out with it…ah,” Will said, “it’s true then? I heard a rumor that he has a thing for…”

“Don’t,” I said shaking my head vigorously, “Just don’t, I don’t want to…”

He cut off my words, “ok then we won’t talk about it,” Will answered, “I’m ok with that I don’t need to know.”

“This guy there named Cole asked about you,” Will said looking for a subject change.

“He did?” I asked surprised.

“Yeah I told him about the hospital but that according to mum you were doing better. He told me to tell you he would come by but that he didn’t think he could deal with…” I stopped Will short.

“Uncle Ben, yeah that’s what they all told me,” I replied.

“I don’t imagine that’s going to be easy for us shortly either,” Will commented, “I mean how mad do you think he is that he can’t be here and he can’t… you know?”

“I don’t think he’s too happy about it but, I don’t see him losing his cool like he did last time just because it got him banned from the house,” I answered.

“John?” Will said so quietly I almost didn’t hear him but it definitely got me to pay closer attention.

“Yeah Will?” I asked afraid of what he was going to say next.

“I overheard Da say something about …” he stopped for a minute as if he was thinking carefully about what he said next, “about the special relationship you and him have. What did he mean?”

I sighed and my tongue went back to my molar, “really?” I asked a little frazzled.

“I’m sorry I just…” I cut Will off.

“Will don’t, ok just don’t. If you think you’re missing anything you’re really not trust me my relationship with Da is not healthy,” I said.

“He’s nicer to you though,” Will said suddenly.

“You want to know why? Because I don’t fight him and …” I paused, “God really Will? You really need me to talk about this? You know how hard this is? How hard life is for me and you want me to just lay it out there?”

“I just want to understand,” Will said.

“I’m not sure I understand it myself,” I said sitting down on my bed.

“You spend a lot of time with him you know?” Will questioned.

“Yeah,” I said closing my eyes and Holding my head in my hands.

“All I know is Da would not get as upset with Uncle Ben if Uncle Ben did to me what he did to you,” Will said.

“It’s not a relationship you want, trust me” I sighed.

“But he loves you. I don’t think he loves any of us but you,” Will said.

“Will listen to me carefully. Very carefully ok? It’s not that kind of love. You don’t want him to love you the way he loves me I promise you,” I said measuredly.

It wasn’t his fault that he wanted Da to love him. I was just very sure he didn’t realize Da didn’t really love me. At the time I thought he did just in a way he wasn’t supposed to but looking back like I said before I don’t believe he did anymore. I believe he used me and he used my body against me to make me hate myself and isolate me from everyone else.

“But he does other stuff with you other than… you know. He takes you to the movies and out to lunch and stuff,” Will insisted.

“Will listen up, you know that one time he took me out after we got here right? To the doctors and out to lunch? He took me to a Chinese restaurant and there was a room set up in the back of the building. He handed me over to some guys and let them do what they wanted to me while they filmed it. Does that sound like real love to you? Does that sound ok?” I said trying very hard to keep myself calm and composed.

“And that’s when…”

“That’s when my arm got broken because they shackled me down and I tried to get away before they had my arm unshackled.”

“Why haven’t you told mum?” he asked quietly.

“Has he ever made you… huh I don’t want to say it,” I took a deep breath, “has he ever made you, you know “happy?” before?” I said cautiously.

“You mean does it feel good sometimes?” Will said, “duh I mean I personally don’t like it but it’s normal right?”

“geeze,” I sighed heavily, “I need a fucking drink I can’t talk about this,” I rasped.

“John? John it’s me, you’re ok I’m in this with you, you can talk to me,” Will said looking at me seriously.

“I don’t know if it’s because of what’s going on with my body or what but for me it’s at least once every time, like every time and he likes that so he, I don’t know ok I don’t know but it’s not right Will. It’s not and I’m not ok with that,” I said.

“every time? For real?” Will asked.

“yeah. Don’t tell anyone please,” I said.

“I won’t, I promise,” he said solemnly.

We sat there in silence for a couple minutes. Just staring at each other.

I sighed, “I think he’s going to want to see me tonight,” I said hugging my knees to my chest.

“Do you want to?” Will asked cautiously.

“No! if I don’t he’ll take someone else though and he’s like you said he’s different with me then he is with everyone else,” I said.

“I can do it,” Will said suddenly.

“Will, no!” I almost shouted.

“He’s not as bad as uncle Ben, I’ll be ok I can deal with him and you need some help John,” he sighed, “You need serious help.”

“You can’t Will ok, I’m fine I can deal with it as long as I don’t fight he’s gentle,” I found myself almost choking on the last word.

“That doesn’t make it ok John, you’re drinking every single day you’re beyond tired, you just got out of the hospital, let me I’ll be fine I promise.” He insisted.

“Let’s put the boys to bed,” I sighed standing up and opening the door.

We did just that, we tucked them in and made sure the Nintendo 64 was shut down like it should be and then we sat down to watch some TV. I had made up my mind he wasn’t going to do it. He was only 10 almost 11 and there was no way I was going to let Da do that to him if I could help it. It was almost 11pm and I heard a noise across the hall in the kitchen and knew it was the pantry.

“It’s getting late you should go to bed,” I said to him.

“So should you, seriously John let me I’ll be fine it’s ok,” he said scooting closer to me on the couch.

The noise got louder as Da reached the last step, “Will,” I whispered, “You need to go to bed, now” just then the pantry opened.

Da stepped out looking somewhat relaxed, “And why are my two oldest still up and wide awake?” he asked.

“Well Da, John and I were discussing who was going to spend the night with you,” Will said.

“That’s different,” Da said raising his eyebrows, “Do I get to choose?” he asked somewhat excitedly.

“Da don’t…” I started.

“John behave,” My Da said sternly with a look on his face that made me instantly be quiet, “Let’s take this downstairs and discuss it there ok boys?”

I swallowed because I knew he wasn’t going to make a choice he was going to use us both and I looked at Will and saw the same look of realization spread across his face, “ok,” I said and Will nodded in agreement and we both stood up.

“Can I have something to drink?” I asked on the way down the stairs.

“Not tonight, I think it’d be good for you to take a break baby,” he said wrapping his arms around my waist from behind and kissing my ear lobe as we reached the bottom of the stairs and opened the downstairs pantry.

“But Da it’s like right here,” I said.

“Now be good John, set a good example for your brother,” he said as we walked into the kitchen and down the basement stairs, “Will are you coming?” Da asked looking behind us.

Will looked nervous about going downstairs but he nodded as if finding his resolve and shut the basement door behind him following Da and I down the hallway to the red room. Da let Will step through the door first while he switched his grip from my waist to my hips and took one of his hands off of me to close the door and lock it. As soon as the door was locked he grabbed the front of my shirt and started forcing it over my head.

“You want to show your brother how good you can be yeah?” he said starting to force kisses on me while backing us up towards the bed.

He was going way too fast and it took everything in me not to push him away as his hands went to pull off my pants and underwear. He broke the kiss to move to my neck and started roughly biting and licking my neck as he reached down and undid his pants and kicked them off.

“Will?” My Da rasped excitedly, “come here,” he said reaching out a hand for him as Will came close.

My Da started giving me a hand job as he forced his tongue down Will’s throat. I had to bit my lip to keep myself from screaming this was wrong. This was so wrong on so many levels, he pushed me down on the bed all the way and straddled me as he started taking Will’s clothes off excitedly. I pulled on Da’s arm to get his attention and turn him back towards me and I pulled him down into a deep kiss, his one hand finding my hip the other finding the back of my neck pushing me forcefully into the bed his mouth hungry for me trailing down my cheek and jaw bone onto my shoulder and chest. A moan escaped me even though I didn’t want it to and I could feel that I was erect, as his one hand moved down in-between my legs and his other hand grabbed Will and pulled him close to us so Da could lean over and kiss him. He then forced Will down onto the bed next to me and started pushing Will towards me.

“Kiss,” he whispered at us and my eyes widened and I shook my head.

“NO, no,” I said trying to pull away.

“Be good baby, come on kiss him like you kiss me,” he said his one had holding me hard by the bicep while the other pulled Will closer.

Will put his hand on my cheek, “John, it’s ok, come on,” he said leaning into my face and kissing me on the lips he then forced my lips apart with his tongue and I could feel him physically tense just as I was tensing as we French kissed for the first time.

“Hot,” I heard my Da gasp and then he pushed Will away and took over kissing me.

Before I was aware of what was happening his fingers were inside me and he was sucking on my collar bone. His kisses trailed down my body until he got to my shaft and he performed oral sex on me and rimmed me, I moaned despite trying to keep myself from making noise and I climaxed in his mouth. He had sex with me while my brother laid next to us on the bed and then when I was numb and could no longer keep up he switched to Will.

I tried my best to keep my eyes closed and ignore the sounds I was hearing but it was hard to ignore Will’s whimpers and cries as my Da forced him to do things he didn’t want to do. However, hearing those sounds and knowing Will couldn’t control his reactions either made me feel a little better about myself. When Will could no longer keep up he collapsed on the bed in-between us and held us both close falling asleep. I waited to hear him snoring before I looked at Will and I moved lightly to reach over and tap his shoulder.He looked back at me.

“you ok?” I mouthed.

Will rolled his eyes at me and mouthed the words no and then something else that was too fast for me to understand.

“What?” I made sure I mouthed clearly.

Will made an angry face at me and made sure he mouthed slowly, “What the fuck was that? I have never heard you sound like that before.”

I smacked myself in the face and huffed. My thought was are you kidding me? Our Da just had a threesome with us and your focused on the uncontrolled noises I made and not the fact that we just kissed and had sex with the same person at the same time?

Will must have caught my meaning because he put his hands as if to surrender as if saying “I get it never mind,” I actually dared to move and Da didn’t stir so I slowly climbed off the bed and went to the bathroom and Will followed suit very quietly.

Once we were both in the bathroom and the door was shut we started whispering.

“I don’t know what to say John,” Will said.

“Sorry,” I whispered back.

“I’ve never seen that side of you before,” Will said.

“With good reason,” I hissed.

“If I didn’t know any better I would say…” he said before I cut him off.

“I wasn’t; geeze how did mum put it?” I said more to myself then to Will, “It’s a physical reaction to physical stimuli? I think she said and I wasn’t the only one who made noises,” I quipped.

“He’s never huh….” Will stopped and I could see him trying to think of a way to explain himself.

“You get me to tell you stuff all the time,” I mentioned.

“He’s never exactly licked me there before,” he replied.

“oh,” I answered simply, “that one got me the first time too. Apparently when I’m drunk I’m a lot more verbal too he’s told me,” I said surprising myself.

“Wow, you were pretty verbal just then,” he told me.

“He’s not usually so…”

“I know what you mean, he’s never been that eager like he pushed all the right buttons,” Will said his cheeks turning red with embarrassment.

“yeah,” I replied, “Can we keep this between us like all of it?” I asked.

“God yes,” Will nodded, “Do you think we can leave?”

I shook my head, “No, we have to stay if we leave he’ll get angry and if that was him happy with us together I don’t want to know what him angry and him wanting us together would be like.”

“You think he would…” Will didn’t even have to finish his sentence I already knew what he was going to say.

He was going to ask if Da would make us have sex with each other and not just kiss. From the way he had made us make out and the stories I had heard from the Cole about what happened to siblings in the brotherhood I had no doubt he would if he really wanted us to. I nodded to answer his question.

“That’s gross,” Will said.

“yeah, I didn’t need my first kiss to be with my brother,” I said grimacing in disgust.

“That was your first kiss besides Da and Uncle Ben? Are you kidding me John?” Will said putting his hand over his mouth to stifle his laughter.

“You’re 10 where did you get a kiss from?” I asked shocked.

“Marcy Nickels, it was a dare at school, recess it wasn’t a big deal,” he said shaking his head, “It didn’t have tongue which I have to admit was slightly confusing because Da and uncle Ben always…”

“Use tongue, yeah,” I finished his sentence.

“Did you give her some?” I asked curiously.

“It didn’t feel like a real kiss without it so… yeah.”

“Really? What did she do?” I asked shocked.

“She smacked me,” he said hiding a laugh.

“Who knew my little brother was such a lady’s man,” I said nudging him playfully on the shoulder.

“I don’t want to go back out their John,” he said looking at me.

“I know, it’ll be ok though he’ll come to me not to you,” I said.

“How do you know for sure?” Will asked.

“The same way you know it’s true,” I replied.

“Why is he so into you?” Will asked me.

“I think it’s because I’m the oldest,” I answered, “Who fucking knows it could be anything. It could be because I have red hair like mum, because I’m entering puberty, because I’m the oldest because I always kind of just offer it up so no one else has to take it, I have no idea.” I shook my head, “And now I need a fucking drink.”

“I think the last thing you need is a drink,” Will sighed.

“No trust me. My skin is crawling I need a drink,” I said.

“What do you mean? Your skin is crawling?” Will asked, “I’m not sure I get it.”

“You can’t still feel him?” I asked and Will looked at me confused, “Like you know when your foot falls asleep? Yeah? It’s like that only it’s in my dick.” I hissed.

“You mean like when someone sticks their finger in your belly button but it’s not going away?” his eyes lit up with understanding.

“Yeah,” I nodded.

“Isn’t there a name for that?” my brother asked me.

“I don’t know a perpetual case of blue balls maybe?” I shrugged.

The door knocked and we both jumped, “boys,” Da called through the door, “come out here.” He backed up and we opened the door.

His eyes racked across our naked frames, “Will you can go if you like,” Da said grabbing me by the wrist of my good arm and pulling me towards him, “Go on Will before I change my mind,” he said to Will not even taking his eyes off me. Will went to the door and unlocked it quickly shutting it behind him.

“Ready for another round?” he said pressing me hard against the wall.

“Da I’m not…” I started saying

“I think I heard the words blue balls whispered. Makes me feel like I didn’t do enough for you,” he said grabbing me and started pumping.

“ok,” I said grabbing the top of his hand with my good one.

“Oh come on, I can make you moan so good baby I promise,” he said kissing along my jaw line again, “What you did with your brother was so hot, I want to fuck you so hard right now.” He said moving us towards the bed.

“Da can I…” I begin to ask.

“No,” he whispered pushing me back onto the bed, “I want you to remember.” He said his face landing in my crotch as he licked my tip and around the back of my penis trailing his way to my ass hole.

“SHIT,” I rasped as he stuck his tongue deep in my asshole for a couple moments he broke contact and laughed.

“That’s what you said last night too,” he mused doing it again making me catching my breath every single synapse in my body firing at once as he moved his mouth again deep throating me.

“fuck,” I whispered breathlessly as he stuck one of his fingers inside where his tongue had been as he continued to suck.

I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of making me cum and I was fighting it. I was fighting it so hard I was feeling this stinging coming from what felt like my bladder but I knew it wasn’t. He knew I was holding it back as well because he stopped sucking and started giving me a handy.

“Come on baby it will feel so good if you just cum for me,” he said rubbing harder

. “Da please,” I barely managed to choke out.

“What I can do to make you feel good enough to cum for me?” he asked staring at me intently, “should I stick my tongue there again? Or something else?” he said as he rubbed even faster and my breath was coming in short painful gasps.

I finally half climaxed in his hand and he sucked it up happily licking his lips as he rolled me over so I was laying on my stomach and he pushed his full erection inside of me fast grabbing my hips to hold me steady.

“Da,” I said grabbing the top of his hands with both my casted and good hand because it was hurting like it always did.

“It’s ok baby just give it a second,” he whispered kissing my shoulder blades.

He waited another couple of minutes and then thrust his first thrust and I moaned involuntarily as he hit against my prostate, “That feels good yeah?” he said doing it again.

“Da please, oh shit,” I said as he did it again this time a little deeper.

He started going faster and he was hitting my g-spot every time. My nails started digging into the back of his hands and each thrust was harder and faster and hitting the right spot more directly then the last until my toes finally started curling and I was coming again underneath us as he came inside me and then collapsed on top of me once more. I could feel tears in my eyes as he laid on top of me for a moment and then rolled off so he was laying on the bed next to me. He went to grab me his hands moving from my hip and starting to come around my front and I couldn’t. I couldn’t stand him touching me especially anywhere he shouldn’t and I jumped off the bed.

He sat up looking at me, “Do you want to again?” he asked.

I rolled my eyes and stomped my foot because I knew I couldn’t say it or else he would be mad, “Da please, I’ll get on the floor and beg please let me go upstairs.”

“One more time,” he said looking at me, “Let me taste you one more time and then I won’t touch you again until after Christmas.”

“Shit,” I said trying to catch my breath.

“Don’t act like you don’t like it, I know you loved that,”

“May I use the N word?” I asked trying not to completely flip out.

“No John you may not, just one more time.”

“What about Hank?” I asked.

“Hank’s coming tomorrow and you have to deal with him can’t help you with that,” he said patting the empty spot beside him, “Come on,” he said getting up and grabbing me gently by the wrist when I didn’t move leading me back to the bed where he pushed me down and started making out with me vigorously while he gave me a handy to get me erect again. My skin was crawling so badly I could feel my body shaking as he started kissing down my center and made his way back to my penis. He got me to climax easily this last time my whole body tensing with each touch and lick.

When he was done he forced me a make out a little until he was tired and then he gave me a kiss on the cheek, “I love you baby, goodnight,” he said then rolling over and almost instantly falling asleep.

I knew I could probably leave at that point but, my legs felt unsteady so I just laid there for a while staring up at the canopy of the bed wishing I were somewhere else until I thought I could walk. When I felt like walking was an option I got up to use the bathroom and then made my way upstairs naked and shaking despite my best efforts. When the elevator door opened on the fourth floor, our floor it was around 5am and I had an odd feeling I wasn’t going to get too much sleep now that I was back home. I still went to my bedroom and wrapped my cast in its plastic so that I could shower and I took my bottle of vodka with me drinking just enough of it to take the edge off again.

I found pajamas and put them on putting my bottle back under my bed and climbing in falling asleep for a couple hours undisturbed. It was thankfully a dreamless sleep but I think I was just too tired for my brain to really process anything and probably a little drunk which never hurt when it came to avoiding certain things like dreaming, emotional thinking and feeling anything at all but tired. It also helped with dulling my memory so things either didn’t process and weren’t remembered at all or I struggled to remember when I did try to recall something. Dreamless sleep claiming me.


	9. 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John meets the Nanny and finds out the type of person she is while he gets his punishment for "killing" someone. Warnings for this chapter: whipping torture, m/m/m, rape/non-con, underage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very long chapter lots of dialogue between characters. Again I don't condone any of these activities I just write about them. Around 20 pages actually so maybe not that long? I don't know anyway...read don't read, please respect the warnings given.

Around 8:30am I felt a little body crawl up in bed next to me so I rolled over and opened my eyes to find Cat trying to snuggle in close to me. I hugged her, “Hey kitty cat what’s going on?” I asked half awake.

“Something is wrong with mum, she doesn’t want to be with us,” Cat said sadly as if her feelings were beyond hurt by this.

“Kiddo it’s not us she’s just having a bad time is all. She’ll be fine in a bit she’s just tired and needs some rest I promise.” I said hugging her to me as I started to drift back to sleep.

“That’s what Karen said too,” she replied glumly.

It took a moment for me to realize who Karen was, Karen was the new nanny. Of course, she wasn’t really my nanny considering I could take care of myself but she was the nanny of anyone young enough to need one so that mum and those of us who did the rearing had some help.

“Is Karen here yet?” I asked finally starting to fully wake up.

“Yeah she’s dressing Malachy,” Cat answered me.

“Why aren’t you dressed?” I asked her realizing she was still in her PJ’s.

“She dresses the babies first and then does Malachy, Andrew and Laura because they are the hardest. She just helps me do up buttons and stuff but I can dress myself now,” she said proudly.

“That’s awesome, why don’t you go get dressed and I’ll help you with buttons and stuff?” I said as she hugged me around the neck.

“Ok, are you getting up?” she asked excitedly.

“Yes, I’m getting up,” I answered, “However I might have to take a nap with the babies later,” I said and this made her giggle.

“You’re too old for naps John,” she said.

“My dear you will learn as you get older you are never too old for naps,” I answered standing up and leaving my bedroom still in my PJ’s hoping to find some food and some coffee.

As I walked down the hall I noticed the nursery door cracked slightly and knocked on it lightly so I didn’t startle Karen.

“Yes?” she called out distractedly as I peeked in and saw her struggling with Andrews arm to get it into his shirt.

“I’m John,” I said introducing myself nonchalantly, “You shouldn’t leave the door cracked when you change them.” I added backing out of the room again and shutting the door behind me.

I went to find the kitchenette void of brewing coffee or pop tarts on the counter or cereal boxes like mum would have usually had out by that time in the morning so I got into the pantry and grabbed a granola bar for myself and turned around to find Mike staring back at me.

“Hey,” I said.

“Why were you in the hospital?” he asked apparently wide awake and full of his eight-year-old questions again.

“I was hurt,” I replied simply.

“How?” he asked.

I looked around to make sure Karen wasn’t nearby and it seemed like she was still dealing with Laura and Andrew so I decided it was fairly safe to answer. “You know that thing I told you uncle Ben does?” I asked him.

“You mean where he sticks it in your butt?” he said bluntly.

“Yeah that would be the thing, well he did it too hard and it made me bleed and apparently, that made me really sick so I had to go to the hospital. I’m ok now though,” I answered.

“Is that why they sent him away?” he asked.

“I think so, yeah,” I replied.

“That’s good. I don’t like uncle Ben and all the stuff he does. He’s mean and weird.”

“I agree, if I was asked to describe him I would probably tell someone that,” I said taking a bite of my granola bar and sitting down at the kitchen island.

“Have you seen mum?” I asked Mike.

“Nah, Cat went to go wake her up and she wouldn’t move then Karen came and told us to leave mum alone and that mum needed a break today,” Mike answered, “She’s never been like this before.”

“No she has, you were just too little at the time so you can’t remember it,” I replied, “I’m going to get dressed and then go check on her. I’m sure she’ll be ok in a bit,” I said trying to reassure him.

I finished my bar and left the wrapper on the island stopping by Cat’s bedroom door and knocking, “Are you decent?” I called through the door.

“Yeah I can’t get it done up!” she shouted back to me.

I cracked the door and before I looked I asked her “need help?”

“Yeah please,” she replied so then I looked at her.

She had tried to button her dress herself and the buttons were unevenly done up the front so her dress was gaping in some places and some buttons didn’t have a matching hole.

“Here, let me fix it,” I said coming over to her and undoing buttons quickly and then doing them up the right way, “there you go Kitty Cat all fixed,” I replied smoothing her hair back from her face, “Ask Karen to help with your hair I have to get dressed.” I said.

“Ok,” she said contently, “can I have a kiss?” she asked looking at me.

“Sure,” I said leaning in and kissing her cheek, “Go ask Karen to fix your hair,” I said again leaving her room and going back into mine.

I could feel my headache already starting to set back in so I took a quick drink from my bottle which was starting to look almost empty and then quickly got dressed. I still felt exhausted but sleeping in probably wasn’t an option I could take on that day considering there was stuff I had to get done that mum wasn’t going to be doing. Snacks to make sure were on time and chores to make sure got done. I was also pretty sure Da would have me call to confirm any big surprise presents that were being given or if there was a cook coming for Christmas dinner which it was very possible there would be this year considering mums state of mind and Christmas was only two days away.

Just as I was heading to the elevator Will’s bedroom door popped open and he rubbed his eyes looking at me in surprise, “You’re upstairs?” he asked blinking at me.

“Yeah it’s a miracle, isn’t it?” I replied, “I’m going to go check on Mum, help Karen.” I said pushing the elevator button so it could come and get me.

“So how…” Will stopped asking looking at me to see if I understood before he continued.

“Same as always,” I sighed, “I need a drink.” I added.

“Really John?” Will replied huffily turning his back to me.

“I’ll let you know how she is,” I yelled to his back and he waved at me dismissively as the elevator opened.

I went down to the second level and I got to my parents’ bedroom and then thought about it. I didn’t think she would be in there so I knocked on the bedroom door of the first guest bedroom there was and then peeked inside. Sure, enough she was there in bed her eyes open staring into the darkness at nothing. She didn’t look like she had slept or really done anything since she had put the babies to bed yesterday evening since she was still fully dressed and her hair was a mess.

“Mum?” I asked quietly.

She didn’t reply or show she had even heard me. I sat down on the bed next to her and shook her shoulder gently, “Mum please? I need you,” I sighed.

In response, she rolled over and looked at me her expression still vacant as if she were somewhere else mentally but she was trying to pretend she was normal. She didn’t say anything.

“Mum you can’t do this, please? Please come back I’m ok really,” I said laying down next to her and hugging her around the middle.

It took her a moment to respond but she hugged me back gently, “I love you,” I said to her, “It’s not your fault you know?” I said and then didn’t really finish because I knew that wouldn’t make her feel any better the end of what I was saying being “it’s mine”.

“Just try and come back ok? It won’t be Christmas with you this far away,” I sighed looking at her intently. Still little to no response, “Take the day but really try please? I’ll take care of things for now,” I said kissing her forehead and getting up to leave.

Just as I did she grabbed my hand and startled me a little. “John?” she said sounding dazed, “You’re ok, right?” I was far from ok and I think even though she was asking looking for confirmation that I was that deep down she knew I really wasn’t “ok” but I was functional which I hadn’t been in a while.

I squeezed her hand gently before I let go, “yeah mum I’m ok.” I replied, “I’m going to go make sure Karen is doing ok and maybe give everyone some cereal,” I said letting go of her hand.

my mum mumbled something incoherently before rolling over and closing her eyes as if she were actually going to sleep. I shut the door quietly and went back upstairs back to the babies and Karen. I didn’t really know what to think of Karen but I didn’t trust her. If I hadn’t trusted her just for being Hank’s daughter, then it was because she had left the door cracked while changing Andrew. What if Da had somehow gone upstairs and seen it? Would he then want to hurt Andrew even though Andrew was only a baby? For me that was a big mistake that I was going to make sure she realized whether she thought it was one or not. I was startled from my thoughts when I heard the elevator kick to life and it stopped moments later opening. I heard the Chatter of Catherine and James and the squeals and baby talk of everyone else along with some actual conversation from Will and Karen.

“What’s going on?” I asked confused.

“We’re doing breakfast downstairs today,” Karen said simply.

“We always do breakfast upstairs.” I replied, “It’s easier.”

“Yeah but that’s your mum and she’s not in charge today. That and your Dad wants us to go to the store and pick up some stuff so I figured it would be easiest to do breakfast in the big kitchen.” She said.

“What do you mean by us?” I snipped.

“Well, you’re here and I am the nanny. Plus, I don’t usually run errands like this and I have to bring anyone that’s not old enough to watch themselves so I could really use your help with this John.” She said trying to be polite even though I could see her annoyance hiding behind her eyes “Why on earth would you make an elevator that only goes down the second level” she whispered under her breath trying to figure out how to get Malachy, Mary and Seamus down the stairs all at once.

“I don’t know it’s just the way it was built,” I replied, “Usually mum takes the walkers down first and then comes back up for the babies. If you have any crawlers, I would put them in a spare bedroom because there’s like nothing but a bed and usually a table lamp in those.” I suggested grabbing Andrew and picking him up to carry him downstairs.

“Hi!” he said to me. “Hi Andrew, how are you?” I asked him as I carried him downstairs.

“Good,” he said, “I eat fish.”

“It’s breakfast time.” I answered understanding what he meant, “You can have fish later I promise ok?”

“Fish now!” he nearly shouted in my ear, “You’ll have to talk to Karen about that one,” I said placing him in a highchair and going back up the stairs to grab another baby.

When I made it back to the upstairs hallway Cat was sitting on the floor keeping Malachy company as Karen passed me on the stairs. I grabbed him and picked him up just as Da came up the living room staircase.

“Hey kids,” Da said smiling at everyone as I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up, “Oh would you look at that 3 of my beautiful red heads together Where are four and five?” he asked.

“I just came up to grab five,” Karen said as she smiled at my Da opening up the spare bedroom and grabbing Mary car seat and all, “Hi Mr. McGregor,” she said happily.

“Cat, go downstairs ok?” I whispered to her and she just nodded her head and got up to walk downstairs.

“Hi Da,” I said nervously not knowing which would be worse, greeting him or ignoring him.

“Hey,” he said eyeing me and waiting for Karen to go down the stairs before he said anything else, “Why did you leave without saying anything?” he asked me coming close enough to me to make me nervous and shift Malachy from one arm to the other farther away from him.

“I… I knew they would need me upstairs shortly so I decided to just not wake you,” I answered.

“Well next time ask,” he said giving me a cold dead stare like he was angry but there was little he could do about it.

“I will,” I answered quietly, “Can I take him downstairs?” I asked nervously.

“I don’t know come here for a minute,” Da said pointing down the hall to my parents’ bedroom. I felt my breath catch, “Da…?” I barely dared to say as I forced myself to exhale.

“Just for a minute John I mean after all you have Mac with you,” he said as I started walking towards him. We got around the corner where my parents’ bedroom was at the end of the hall and he took Malachy from my hands and held him for a minute looking at him closely, “He’s going to be beautiful like you, you know?” he said.

Hearing him say that made me very nervous being as I was four when my own abuse started and Malachy was just over one.

I shook my head lightly, “Don’t,” I just barely whispered nervously shifting my weight from foot to foot.

“Oh come on he’s a baby do you really think I would right now?” he said tickling Malachy under the chin making him laugh a cute loud baby laugh, “What kind of father do you think I am?” he asked me eyeing me carefully and then thought about what I might say and said, “Don’t answer that question.”

“Can I have him back?” I asked slightly scared for my baby brother but really scared for myself.

“If you give me a kiss,” he said, “a real one.”

“Right here?” I asked my tongue finding my back molar out of nervousness.

“Yes, right here,” he said as I started closing the distance between us.

A real kiss meant a French kiss because apparently, it’s not “real” if there’s not tongue involved even though I knew that’s not how family members kissed each other. At least not how normal families kissed. I turned my head looking around for Karen nervously but before I could do a full check he grabbed me by the wrists with his free hand and shoved his tongue in my mouth and I reluctantly accepted it as he pressed me against the hallway wall while he still held Malachy on his hip. When he decided, he was satisfied he let me go and I could feel my cheeks burning red as he handed Malachy over to me.

“Thanks baby,” he said turning the corner and opening his bedroom door going inside and shutting it behind him.

I stood there in wide-eyed shock for a moment waiting for my skin to stop crawling and catching my breath and after a minute decided I needed a drink but didn’t want to bother asking for one and didn’t have access to any real hard liquor so took Malachy to the bathroom with me and set him on the floor while I drank a good amount of mouth wash to get the feeling of my Da’s tongue out of my mouth. When I decided, I was sufficiently tipsy I picked Malachy back up and headed downstairs trying to hold it together like nothing had happened and putting Malachy in his highchair. Just then Will came downstairs followed by Mike and Matt.

Will eyed me oddly, “John you ok?”

I nodded my head but my tongue brushed against my back molar, my nervous tick calling my bluff.

“John…” Will started to ask the question again and I put my hands up.

“Will not now, ok?” I warned.

Will sighed looking at me and shaking his head, but respecting my wishes.

“What’s up?” Karen asked looking between Will and I.

“Nothing you have to worry about,” I replied as Will turned away and grabbed a bowl of cereal pouring some for himself.

Karen eyed me angrily folding her arms and shaking her head at me, “Kid what is wrong with you? You have done nothing but bite my head off for this or that all morning and I just met you, you have a problem with me?” she said.

“His problem is with life,” Will replied for me.

“Will will you fucking shut it?” I glared at him.

“Da keeps saying he’s become a real teenager,” Matty replied.

I snorted, “So everyone has an opinion and no one has anything to fucking drink? Real nice guys, real nice,” I shook my head.

“John there is plenty of soda and juice available for you to drink so I don’t see what that has to do with anything,” Karen said, “And if you were nicer maybe your brothers wouldn’t have any opinions on what was wrong with you? Just guessing on that one,” Karen remarked passing out little plastic plates of melon and dry cheerios to the baby’s that could eat food.

I picked a bottle of formula up off the counter and popped it in Mary’s mouth. “I know firefly,” I cooed holding the bottle for her as she started to eat.

“I can do that you know?” Karen said.

“There happens to be another baby that is just as hungry that would also like some food Karen, if you wait too long he’ll scream,” I said.

“You’re a real smartass you know that?” She said grabbing Seamus’s bottle and starting to feed him.

I was about to reply but instead there were three replies from James, Mikey and Matty, “He’s heard.”

“Really?” was all I had to say.

Just then James came up to me and was looking at me closely, funny. I squinted at him, “You ok?” I asked.

“I’m checking out your neck to see if I can still see it.” He replied.

I covered the right side of my neck and face with my free hand while Will and Matty started laughing, “And you guys say I’m mean, like are you for real kiddo?” I said eyeing him.

“Sorry, I just wanted to see if you still had all those bruises,” James said.

“Bruises?” Karen asked.

“Yeah from…” I cut James off “Zip it kiddo remember?” I reminded him and he covered his mouth.

“I forgot, sorry,” he said.

“I got beat up,” I said looking at Karen.

“Wait…is that what we’re supposed to call it now?” Mikey asked.

Both Will and I smacked ourselves in the face in unison and Matty kicked Mikey under the table.

“OW! What the hell man?!” Mikey asked and the realized what he said, “oh,” he said taking a bite of his cereal.

Karen eyed the room eyebrows raised, “You are all strange, strange children,” she said.

Just then Mary started to whine making a sound like a small cat and I realized her bottle was empty and she had been sucking on air for a while, “Oh sorry firefly,” I said picking her up and putting her on my shoulder burping her, “Say bad John making me eat air, making me all gassy,” I said to her as I patted her back and she started to calm down, “that’s it firefly let all that gas out, that’s my sweet girl,” I said kissing the side of her head.

“Ok is everyone done eating? We should be heading out,” Karen said.

“Ok everyone uses the bathroom please,” I shouted to the room, “Karen we need to change some butts trust me,” I said handing her Mary and grabbing Malachy from his highchair.

“Why are you switching?” she asked me.

“Because he always poops after he eats and he’s a kicker,” I sighed, “If you want to change him be my guest,” I said holding him up as he farted.

“No, that’s ok you can do it,” She replied taking Mary into the Livingroom and laying her on the floor with her diapers and the wipes and I sat down grabbing the size 4’s and carefully undoing the sides.

“Ok Karen I’m warning you hold your nose because this boy, he’s something else,” I laughed lightly as I moved the diaper quickly and started wiping.

“What on earth do your parents feed him?” she said plugging her nose, “That smells.”

“He eats a lot of fruit and vegetables.” I said changing him rather quickly, “there you go,” I said to Karen standing up, “I’ll start loading bodies into the van.”

“You make it sound like we murdered them, their children not bodies,” Karen sighed.

“Yeah, I know,” I said getting up and going to the kitchen washing my hands.

“Ok troops grab a buddy,” I said to everyone younger than myself as we marched out to the van and I started buckling children into safety seats. And Will handed me Andrew and Laura to make sure they were ready and strapped in.

“John can I talk to you alone before we leave?” Will asked me seriously just as I was strapped the last toddler into their safety seat and Karen came out with Seamus and Mary to strap them in the van.

Will peeked in around the van, “Karen we’ll be right back wait for us,” Will said to her and then he followed me inside and shut the door behind us and he looked around to make sure both Da and mum weren’t nearby.

“Will what’s up?” I asked.

“You know I notice things, know things about people that others don’t, right?” he asked me.

“Yeah, you’re the second one and you are good at observing things why?” I asked.

Will sighed eyeing me nervously like he wanted to tell me something but wasn’t sure if he should, “Will you’re making me super nervous you need to tell me what’s up please,” I said.

“Well, you aren’t tipsy anymore sure you want to hear it?” he asked, “now think about that for a good second before you really answer because you’re not going to like it,” he warned.

I really thought about it hard for a moment before I answered. Whatever this was it was big and apparently, it was going to affect me personally somehow otherwise he wouldn’t have come to me about it in the first place, “Just tell me,” I said.

“On my way down I heard Da on the phone, something about some shrink that was bothering you was taken care of but that someone still needed to stop by and Da said something you compensating them for their visit. He said the name H…”

“Yeah, I know. Thank you for the warning though I figured it was coming,” I shrugged, “I just hope Da will let me get pissed before it happens.”

“Do you think he will?” he asked looking at me.

“Considering the last time before with you and then just him and I…no I don’t think he will I think he’s punishing me,” I sighed, “I think it’s going to be bad Will, I really do and I’m fucking scared.”

“Ok,” Will said “And Hank is the one who fucked up your neck right?” he asked.

“Yeah and his daughter is out in that fucking car with our brothers and sisters as if I couldn’t forget already I have to have his daughter thrown in my face too,” I nearly shouted, “SHIT FUCK!” I shouted hitting the kitchen island with my casted arm.

I could feel myself starting to cry even though I didn’t want to. So, I pulled it back closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. “I’ll try to keep them off of it ok? Keep them from saying things they shouldn’t. Especially when we’re out,” Will said as if to comfort me.

“I think Mum needs to talk to them again, about not saying things about it,” I sighed, “It’s not a joke I just don’t think they get it yet.”

“Well, I think James might view it all as normal and Mike and Matt haven’t been…” he trailed off, “Not like we have I don’t think they understand yet,” Will said.

I sighed, “that’s a scary word, yet,” I replied.

“We’ll figure it out, you always do,” Will sighed.

“How long before I can’t anymore though. I think this might be it for me, I’m…” I couldn’t even finish the sentence.

“We’ll be ok, you’ll be ok because you know you’re still needed,” he said matter of factly.

“Why do you sound so old? You’re only almost 11,” I said shaking my head at him.

“I’m old because I have to be,” he shrugged, “As long as you know I guess. Ok let’s go,” he said.

“Yep, forgive me if I give her shit,” I said.

“It’s fine, I got you,” Will answered.

“You guys ready?” Karen asked as we buckled ourselves in and the car started to move.

In the back bench, I could hear Will having a very serious and quiet conversation with Mike, Matt and James and they kept glancing in my direction making me nervous. I felt like Karen was going to notice but she seemed to be too busy focusing on driving.

“So what exactly are we doing?” I asked Karen.

“Your Dad wants me to pick up some stuff for Christmas because he’s hiring a cook but he doesn’t have the stuff the cook wants so we’re going to pick it up, that and some baby stuff,” she said.

“Oh, so like a turkey and shit?” I asked for clarification.

“Yeah do you mind, if I swore like that at your age my Dad would have beaten my ass, he’s a cop you know?” She added as if I didn’t know who he was.

“Yeah I’m aware, thanks,” I said.

“You know my Dad?” She asked me curiously while I tried my best to ignore her and pretend I was no longer in the car with her.

After getting no response she got the message that I wasn’t in the mood for small chat, “all right then,” she sighed and turned on the radio playing some old music of some kind not Queen or Billy Joel, or anything I knew really well but something else until we pulled up into the parking lot of Costco.

“Ok I’m going to go grab some carts, 3 carts,” She announced to the car, “This is how this is going to go, “Mary and Seamus are going in one cart with Malachy and Laura in a seat and then Andrew and Catherine are going in the seat of the next cart and the 3rd is for the groceries. James hold onto cart one. John push that cart, Mike and Matt hold onto cart 2 Will please push that one, I have cart 3, ok got it? Anyone doesn’t listen or walks away from their cart will be coming back to the van understand me?” she said sternly taking our silence as conformation, “good I’ll be right back,” she said walking away.

“Guys remember what we talked about please,” Will added eyeing Mike, Matt and James as he saw Karen reproaching our 3 carts in hand. We took maybe 10 minutes to get the carts figured out and get into the store and then we set off in a row with Karen in the lead her list in hand. As we were walking through the store I felt a tug on my shirt sleeve that startled me slightly and looked down at James.

“Yeah?” I asked him.

“Will said not to talk about the stuff?” James questioned.

“Yes,” I said in reply even though I wasn’t sure what he was getting at.

“But I have a question,” he said to me.

“Well, questions can wait until we are not in public,” I said trying to look relaxed.

“But, it’s an important one,” James said quietly.

“All right,” I sighed and pulled out of line pretending I had to tie my shoe, “Keep going with Karen we’ll catch up,” I said to Will who nodded and continued walking, “Ok whisper it in my ear,” I whispered to James bending down like I was tying my shoe.

“Do Da and uncle Ben kiss you in weird places is that the stuff we’re not supposed to talk about,” he whispered very quietly.

I gently grabbed his shoulder and pulled his ear close to me so I could whisper back without being overheard, “That’s exactly what we’re not supposed to talk about and the other stuff they do,” I answered him.

“But why?” he said out loud so I pulled him close and answered him.

“Because it’s not normal and people will be upset.”

“OH you mean like a secret?” he said loudly again causing me to look around and see if anyone was paying attention.

I stood up and said just slightly louder, “exactly James it’s a secret. We have to catch up before Karen gets mad and sends us to the car,” I said trying to distract him from any more questions, “hold onto the cart and let’s go,”

“Ok I get it,” he said happily grabbing his side of the cart again as we started walking towards them.

When we caught up Will pulled his cart up beside mine for a moment, “Dude what was that?” he asked quietly.

“He had a question, why?” I asked.

“Ok don’t get freaked out but someone is watching us, you specifically,” Will said, “No, don’t look!” he said as I went to turn my head, “If he keeps following us I’ll tell Karen ok?” Will said, “Now just try and stay with us,” he said allowing me to pull ahead of him and get back in my spot.

“John?” Karen turned to look at me, “You’re Da said to buy some liquor but didn’t tell me what he drinks, do you know?” she asked me as we reached a huge aisle filled with bottle of all sorts of alcohol.

For a moment, I was stunned into silence. I mean while my Da and uncle had a nice collection of liquor at home is was nothing like this store. There were bottles of brandy, whiskey, scotch, rum, tequila and 100’s of different types of wine from all over not to mention vodka and snappes. And I couldn’t think of what my Da drank I could only think about what I wanted to try. I then realized she was staring at me expectantly.

“I think he’s out of tequila and running low on vodka,” I answered.

“What brands do you know?” she asked casually picking up a random bottle.

“I know they are pretty common but not much else,” I totally lied, “I think it’s Kauffman and Absolut and 1800 Tequila, “I answered very specifically making her turn and eye me weird.

“You sure?” she asked me again.

“Yeah for sure,” I nodded trying to seem innocent.

“Well, ok,” she replied putting them in her cart as we continued through the store.

There were several more things we picked up but I don’t really remember what they were because I was focused on the bottles in the front cart and hoping that maybe I would able to snatch one without someone noticing and take it to my room to refresh my stash so I wouldn’t have to worry about thinking later. When we got to check out Karen looked behind us and then looked to Will and I,

“Will, John, come up here and wait in front of the register please,” she said motioning for us to move with the babies to be in front of her instead of behind looking behind us cautiously as we moved forward.

She rang up and handed the guy the house card and some cash and then we moved to go outside and got to the car rather quickly, “Ok babies first and then groceries,” she said to me pulling Malachy from the seat in the front of the Cart while I grabbed Catherine and set her down on her feet so she could climb into the van behind Karen to get buckled in, “John?” Karen said.

“Yeah?” I asked her.

“Did you happen to notice…?” she trailed off turning to put Catherine in her safety seat, while I grabbed Mary car seat and all from the floor of the cart.

“What?” I asked.

“There was someone watching us,” she said simply.

“Could just be because there is so many of us,” I said as someone with their own cart stopped in front of the car.

“Wow, that’s a big van,” this 30 something soccer mum said excitedly looking at our 15-passenger van, “Where’s your mom?” She asked looking at us just as Karen popped her head out to take Mary from me.

“Surely she’s not your mum?” she asked her eyes wide and Karen heard her and laughed.

“Oh God no, I’m the nanny,” she answered.

“Oh thank goodness I was about to say… that’s still a lot of kids for one nanny however,” soccer mom said.

“She’s not everyone’s nanny,” I said.

“And he’s the sullen teenager,” Karen added referring to me.

“Are they are one …?” the soccer mom started to ask.

“Yes, we’re all one family unit, I’m the oldest,” I said bluntly as she stared at us like we were a circus troupe.

“And how old are all the kids?” Soccer mom asked Karen ignoring me completely.

“Well,” Karen said stopping to think about it for a second, “the youngest two that are in the van are 2 and half months the next one is a year after that you have two that are just a little over 2 years and then 4 years I think,” Karen said as I cut her off.

“Five years,” I corrected her.

“I mean five years, thank you John, then you have James who is almost 7 and the Mike and Matt who are 8 and then Will is almost 11 and well, you’re looking at the last one and he is…”

“Let me guess,” the woman laughed, “14 going on 30?” she said.

“More like 13 going on 30 but yeah,” Karen smiled politely.

“They are all like that at that age,” soccer mom said like she was some type of expert, “I have a girl who is 12 and boy who is 10 so trust me I know. Are they paying you well? I sure hope they are,” she said. Will was reading my body language and could see how annoyed I was getting and started putting groceries in the car,

“John help me so we can get out of here faster,” he said to me, “Excuse me mam,” he said as he moved past the woman with the groceries cart.

“Every mom’s a fucking expert with everyone else’s kids,” I said probably a little too loudly moving past the soccer mom. And Will turned and gave me a look shaking his head at me as if to say “don’t start,” and I grabbed a diaper bag and a put it on top of a box the one with the liquor in it and causally slid a liquor bottle into the bag and zipped it while no one was looking and then went back to the cart for another box until we were all loaded and I shut the trunk and then Will told the woman “excuse us” as we both slide past her and got into the van ourselves.

“Well, it was nice talking to you good luck with your job,” she said happily taking her cart and starting to walk away.

“Thank you, you too!” Karen said waving goodbye as she walked around to the driver’s side of the van and got in.

She started the car and then waited until it was clear to pull out of the parking space and take off.

“John you were rude,” Karen said.

“I was rude? That woman knows nothing about me and neither do you. I mean you don’t even know how old Catherine is,” I scoffed.

“Well forgive me for forgetting how old Catherine is when there are so many of you. And you’re right she doesn’t know you so you should have been polite. I don’t think you’re a bad kid but man you have an attitude John. If you knew my Dad…” she started and Will cut her off before I had a chance to.

“So Karen, did she ask how much you make?” Will said changing to subject quickly.

“Not now Will,” she said “like I was saying if you knew my Dad you wouldn’t…”

I cut off her words and felt my face going red before the sentence even left my mouth, “I know your father very intimately Karen thank you.”

She stopped at a red light and gaped at me as if she didn’t understand my meaning or didn’t want to believe she did, “What, what do you mean?” she stammered.

I exhaled and shook my head at her, “I’m not saying it again,” I hissed at her crossing my arms and shaking my head.

“O K, “Karen said measuredly and clearly putting her turn signal on to pull into a different parking lot.

“Karen, we’re supposed to be going home,” Will said from the seat behind the front seat as if to remind her of what we were doing at that moment.

“Yes, will but I need to pull over and have a discussion with your brother for a minute,” she snapped at him.

“Don’t yell at him!” I yelled at her.

“Don’t yell at me!” she snarled back.

“Really?” I heard Mike mutter from the back as Matt shook his head and buried it in his hands and babies started fussing in the back.

She pulled into the very last spot in the parking lot and parked the car, “Everyone stay here, John out now,” Karen said through gritted teeth as she got out of the car.

When I didn’t move, she came around to the passenger side door and opened it. “John, out before I tell your Dad about this when I take you home, let’s talk now,” she said sternly and I jumped out of my seat slamming the door and following her a few feet from the car. She waited a moment and took a deep breath before she spoke, “now could you repeat what you just said?”

“Nope,” I said staring at her.

She sighed “If I heard you right I want to know exactly and I mean EXCATLY what you meant? Because my dad is a good man and I won’t have another kid spreading rumors about him being….”

I snorted, “You’re seriously that fucking stupid? If I’m not the first one to say something why on earth would you think it’s not true if I did say what you think I said, are you that retarded? Please look at your life and I mean take a really good look and let me know what answer you come up with,” I said turning to go back to the van.

“Hey! We’re not done talking yet!” she said grabbing me by my casted arm and pulling me back towards her. She was surprisingly strong for a 19-year-old woman, “Now I need to know what you said, for real so repeat yourself now or you’re in trouble,” she hissed at me holding me there.

“Jesus fuck you idiot I’m not repeating myself why don’t you fucking understand that? Are you really that stupid that you don’t understand what I said in the first place? And fucking right I’m in trouble because you’re going to tell your Dad who is going to tell my Da and then I’m in worse shape than I was the morning so thank you for shoving my life and my unfortunate circumstances in my face all fucking day. By the way don’t be surprised if your Dad is at my house when we get there.” I said trying to pull out of her grip.

“JOHN! TELL ME WHAT YOU SAID AND WHAT YOU MEANT TELL ME NOW!” she yelled at me and someone in a different corner of the parking lot looked in our direction.

At this point I was so upset I was starting to hyperventilate so she sat down with me on one of the parking barriers with the flowers and trees and them and she made me sit and she started breathing to calm herself while I tried doing the same to myself. When she was finally calm enough she didn’t feel like yelling she tried to speak as calmly as she could, “I’m sorry,” was the first thing she said and then she waited a few more moments.

“If you just said what I think you did you’re not the first person to say it ok? I need to know because if it’s true I need to make sure he stops hurting people ok? You have to understand I’m not like him I don’t want to hurt people and if I know he’s doing something that is bad then he needs to be turned in so he can be punished.” She said measuredly.

I could feel myself starting to calm down slightly and then I thought about how my Da and him would be waiting for me when I got home and felt my breath catch again, “John? Look at me ok we’re going to try this now breath with me,” she said making me look at her face and then inhaling and holding it for a couple seconds and then doing a long exhale over and over until I started to copy her pattern and she noticed me calming down again, “better?” she asked me cautiously and she waited for me to nod my head.

“Can you say what you said again now? Please?” she asked me gently.

“I know your dad uhh…” I didn’t even want to say it again honestly it had been hard enough to say the first time, “I just know him ok,” I said.

“I don’t think that’s what you said the first time,” she said looking at me skeptically.

“I won’t, I can’t say it again,” I said feeling my breathing starting to fuck up again and she must have noticed it too because she looked at me sympathetically.

“Ok, how about you just nod or shake your head and I ask to clarify?” she asked, “Can you manage that?”

I thought about it and nodded my head in response and she said, “Ok. Did you say you knew him intimately?” I nodded and she took a deep breath, “Ok do you mean that he’s a close personal friend perhaps?” she said with a forced smile like she was hoping I would nod yes even though she knew that probably wasn’t what I meant.

I shook my head no, “So you mean it in the other sense as in euphemistic?” she asked and I could see she was dreading my response.

For a minute, I thought about lying, about telling her to forget it that I had lied that I was just pissed but didn’t she have the right to know? I mean what if one day she had kids and he decided it seemed like a good idea to molest them too then wouldn’t it be my fault if he did so because I didn’t say anything to warn her about it before it happened? Thinking about any future kids that might be in his life made me nod my head very slightly and slowly but I knew she saw it because she covered her mouth and turned her head away to hide her face from me. We sat there for a couple of minutes in silence until she seemed to pull it together and look at me. “

Ok well, let’s get you guys home,” she said suddenly as if nothing had happened and then added, “I think you’re lying.”

as I opened the car door and climbed into the passenger seat. I was quiet for a moment longer and then I looked at her and said, “Of course you do.” And I didn’t say anything else to her the rest of the ride home.

Sure, enough when we pulled up into the driveway there was a cop car sitting there and outside was her Dad, Hank Kingly and another man standing there talking with my Da. She shot me a quick glare as she undid her seat belt and hopped out of the car giving her Dad a big hug as I got out and started grabbing groceries out of the car, making sure I grabbed the diaper bag and box that I had fixed first and then turned around a grabbed a baby from inside the car. As I was headed towards the door I got a hand in my chest pushing me back from the door from my Da and I’m pretty sure I audibly gulped and looked at my Da.

“Will?” I asked as Will came up behind me, “Take her, please,” I said handing Mary over to Will who struggled slightly with the weight of the carrier.

“John she’s too heavy,” he said putting her down for a moment and glancing between Da and I, “John I need you to help please I can’t get them upstairs just Karen and I,” he said looking at Da for approval.

Just then the other guy I didn’t know stepped forward and looked at me and Da who nodded in approval.

“Hi William, right? I’m Mr. Gables, I’ll help you get everyone inside your father and officer Kingly need to talk to your older brother,” he said picking up the carrier, “go grab more groceries and I’ll meet you upstairs. Don’t worry I know where, I toured the house already very lovely home you have…” he said his words fading away as he walked into the house and through the kitchen into the living room, Karen grabbing a car seat and following him leaving Da, Hank and I standing near the open door.

Once Karen was out of sight Hank slid up right behind me and placed a hand on my hip and another on my bicep holding me in place, “hey there,” he breathed into my ear causing me to flinch and start exhaling and inhaling rapidly with fear.

He had barely touched me and I could feel that my body was visibly shaking and I knew I was going to cry and my Da wasn’t going to care. I looked at him in front of me and he just sighed, “should have thought about that before am I, right?” he asked as I struggled to even out my breathing as Hank pressed tighten into my body so I could feel him through my clothes in ways I shouldn’t have been able to.

“Let’s go downstairs and have a talk, just the three of us,” My Da said touching my free shoulder gently and pointing us towards the basement stairs as Hank walked me forward holding me tightly going slow making sure we took each step downward together as Da shut the basement door behind us.

I was expecting to go all the way to the end of the hall but we didn’t, we stopped just one door before which was a room I had never been in before. I don’t think any of us had been inside that room at that point in time and when the door opened I swore I stopped breathing. Inside was completely red just like the red room only instead of beds with shackles there were different tables and what looked like hospital beds that had the buttons so you could adjust the angle at which they sat. There was also hooks coming down from the ceiling and what looked like a giant bird cage in one corner. In another corner, there was what looked like funny shaped couches nearby and a table that was standing vertical with leather straps attached to it. As well as what looked like a hammock made of chains and more leather straps and a wall that had different things hanging from it. I could identify what looked like a feather duster and another that looked like a horse crop and what was obviously a whip and a spanking paddle.

“Ok should I wait for Arthur to come back or can I be sure you’ll tell him my rules?” Da asked looking at Hank as he started pulling off his shirt and I stood there frozen.

“I’ll tell him,” Hank said reassuringly, “I know if I don’t play by your rules I don’t get to play again,” he added.

“Ok,” My Da said nodding his head in agreement, “rule one condoms as always, rule two you can hit him and do whatever you like leave whatever bruises you want but has to be above the elbows, can be hidden by a t-shirt and above the knees so it can be hidden by board shorts. Don’t worry about noise this room just like the other is sound proof. No camera unless you want to give me extra money later, don’t break anything on him I mean, I already had to explain away one broken arm two broken body parts in three months is a little excessive otherwise, have fun.” He said as Hank finished undressing.

“Da?” I barely whispered starting to shake my head from side to side, “Da plea…” I started to beg and could feel myself starting to cry.

“John, they are paying good money and you killed someone remember? That and you couldn’t have thought this punishment was going to be easy, did you?” he looked at me skeptically.

“Oh and if he starts having trouble breathing his inhaler is in that table drawer over there,” my Da said pointing to a table up against the wall, “Don’t kill my kid, he’s my favorite,” he said smiling at Hank and then he turned back to me grabbing me gently by the neck. “Be good John ok?” he said to me soothingly trying to force my shirt over my head as Hank undid my belt from behind and started undoing my pants.

I was still absolutely frozen other than my uncontrollable shaking as they undressed me my Da and Hank taking turns landing very rough kisses on my neck and collar bone as they got down to my underwear working together fast to get my clothes off me. My Da forced his tongue between my lips even though I remained essentially unresponsive only breaking the kiss when he was satisfied.

Just as my Da started to walk away I found my voice again, “Da please!” I said almost crying, “I’m begging you please don’t…”

“Didn’t I just tell you why this is happening? Don’t be stupid nothing can get you out of this now you’re going to survive I promise,” my Da said just as the door opened behind him and Arthur Gables walked in.

I was numb but I’m pretty sure my Da’s interaction with him was just summarizing what he had just told Hank as Hank grabbed me and backed me into a wall pinning me there as he started biting at my neck aggressively when my Da noticed he cleared his throat, “below the shirt Hank remember?” he added.

“Sorry, got excited,” Hank said into my ear moving to my collar bone and chest making his way down to one of my nipples and biting rather hard making me cry out slightly.

Hank moved back up my Jaw bone slightly and then said in my ear, “I’m so excited because your carpet matches the drapes and that makes me super-hot, you have no idea how many redheads I’ve seen that don’t have the pubes to match,” he bit into my neck again much harder than I was prepared for and I cried out again causing my Da to look over. His comment and kissing causing my body to shake in fear because I was very uncomfortable and it didn’t make any sense to me what so ever because I had no body hair at the time.

“Hank really? His neck isn’t a corn on the cob under the shirt!” My Da barked at him as Hank grabbed me to move me somewhere else.

“Sorry, done for now I swear,” he added looking at Arthur, “Arthur where do you want him?” he asked holding me from behind wrapping his arms tightly around me to keep my arms pinned to my sides.

Arthur stopped talking to my Da and thought about it for a second. “Hooks first, you know the saying whipped and stripped, sucked and fucked,” he said turning back to my Da and shaking his hand after that My Da left and Arthur locked the door while Hank started stringing me up shackling my wrists together and hanging the chain over this long hook suspended from the ceiling and the taped my feet together by the ankles with duct tape so that I couldn’t really stand and was just kind of hanging in midair by my arms. Immediately I felt the gravity pulling on my body change most of it putting pressure on my arms instead of my center and abs. It instantly made my shoulders sore as I struggled for stable footing I couldn’t find.

“Get me the horse crop,” Hank said to Arthur who smiled as he went to go fetch it.

“You’re not very verbal, are you?” Hank said looking at me intently, “I can change that you know?”

“I…I am when you give me alcohol, I’ve heard,” I stuttered.

“Nope, we’re not playing that game I want you to remember this,” he said smiling evilly at me as Arthur handed him what he requested and he hit me with it sharply across my stomach the burn surprising me but not eliciting the response he was looking for apparently because he frowned watching me closely. He then went around behind me and hit me several times across the back and shoulders hard and I flinched in pain but still didn’t really scream or make much noise Arthur stopped him for a second.

“Hank if pain doesn’t work maybe pain and then pleasure will?” Arthur asked the horse crop hitting me super hard across my ass and then I felt something warm and wet glide across my ass cheek and I gasped in surprise.

“Good work Arthur I think you found it,” Hank said hitting me across the shoulders with the horse crop and then gliding his tongue across the same spot slowly until the last second when he bit down harder than I have ever been bitten before in my life.

That time I let out a sharp whimper of pain as I felt him draw blood and Arthur laughed. I don’t remember exactly how long they played that game whipping me and then licking me gently across different parts of my body including my ass, my legs my back and my chest but they did it for a while and every sound they managed to get out of me just seemed to make them more excited so I tried my hardest to keep silent.

When they decided, I was no longer giving them the response they wanted my arms were beyond aching and threw me on this weird looking sofa one of them pulling my legs over my head like I was getting ready to do a summersault. I could see between my taped legs and saw Arthur grab a giant thing of lube while Hank put a condom on using one hand holding me in that position.

“No,” I said shaking my head vigorously which made them laugh, “No don’t, don’t,” I kept repeating until Hank entered me and I let out a scream his body now leaning on me keeping me in position.

“God yes,” Hank moaned shifting himself so he was reaching somewhere deep within me as I started to quiet down.

Just when I fell silent he started thrusting making me start to beg again for him to stop while each thrust hit against my prostate in a way that I had never felt before after a while he changed his position standing so we were back to front instead of back to back and entered me that way and that way fucking hurt and I started crying my whole body shaking uncontrollably. After a while he must have been satisfied even though I couldn’t tell whether he came or not because he moved so Arthur could do what he wanted.

At first I thought Arthur was going to do the same thing because he kept me in the same position but instead he started pumping lube onto his hand and rubbing it up and down his arm from fingertip to elbow and then he did something that no one had ever done to me before that really made me cry. He inserted his finger roughly into me the friction barely there because of how much lube was on his hand. He worked it for a few minutes petting my prostate making me jump and my face go red with shame despite the soreness I still felt from what Hank had done. He added another finger continuing the motion of moving slowly and then waited a few more minutes before he added two more my body stretching open an excruciating amount to accommodate his fingers until he managed to fit all his fingers and thumb into my asshole up as far as he could get them and then thrusting in and out of me as if it were his penis. I didn’t learn until later that this is what fisting is but anyway.

I was crying so hard I was starting to choke on every sob afraid they were going to tear me like Uncle Ben had as I felt myself insides starting to bleed lightly around Arthur’s hand and fist. I’m not sure when Arthur stopped doing that whether it was five minutes later or fifty but afterwards Hank started kissing my chest and shoulders aggressively allowing my body to no longer be in a position where I was stuck in a giant ball and he laid me out flat making out with me as he touched himself because my hands were still chained together and then he did the thing I hate the most. He moved down to my lower body first licking my inner thighs and then he bit one of them hard, like really hard, hard enough it drew blood.Everything below my waist felt like it was bleeding freely but it seemed like Hank didn’t care at all. He started to blow me while Arthur sat on my shoulders so I couldn’t see what Hank was doing but could sure feel it.

“You bite and you’re not going to be happy,” Arthur muttered as he shoved his dick down my throat forcing me to blow him as Hank blew me very aggressively.

After about 20 minutes of this horrible nightmare inducing blow job I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold back from coming much longer and every single muscle in my body was burning. My thighs from trying to stay clamped together and being forced apart by legs and arms so many times, my abs from me holding my breath and being whipped, my ass from being beaten with a horse crop just every part of me was sore. But he didn’t stop. Hank kept going until I climaxed shuddering with pain and crying unable to make a sound because Arthur was coming his seamen squirting right down my throat and into my stomach as I gagged.

After that they somehow managed to manipulate my body so I was sitting up in Hanks lap his cock up my ass bucking into me forcefully while Arthur blew me which he did a lot more licking then blowing to be perfectly honest but this still caused me to climax and all of muscles tensing up caused Hank to climax while he sucked and bit on my neck and Jaw from behind. When they decided, they were done they undid the duct tape on my ankles and unchained my arms taking me into the bathroom and lowering me into the hot tub holding me against them cuddling me and continuing to force their tongues down my throat at different intervals careful to make sure my cast didn’t get wet me a shaking mute ball of raw pain the whole time and just when Hank was about to perform oral sex on me in the hot tub my Da opened the door.

“Hank, your daughter gets off in an hour so I thought you might want to move your cruiser before she gets out and wonders why your car is still here,” he said as Hank stood up and cleared his throat.

“Yeah you’re right that’s a good idea, are you done Arthur?” he asked looking at Arthur who had just finished sucking on my shoulder blade as I laid half against him half against the side of the tub.

“What?” he asked confused for a moment, “Oh yeah sure, I’m finished for now,” he said getting up and getting out.

“Ok cool,” My Da responded coming over and pulling me out of the hot tub like I was a limp rag doll because my muscles had lost the ability to do anything but shake about an hour before he showed up and he picked me up in his arms and carried me down the hall to the other red room my whole body shaking the entire time he touched me however non sexual and gentle it may have been being too much for my nervous system and emotional state to handle as he sat me down on the bed in the red room and tucked me in.

“Maybe you’ll think twice before you tell again?” he asked as I stared back at him my whole body feeling weak and feverish and me knowing that it wouldn’t be long before I started throwing up because I was that sore.

I couldn’t speak. Even if I had found the ability to speak I’m not sure I would have because I had nothing to say to him. I felt so disgusting I wanted to tear my own skin off and if someone had given me a knife at that moment I probably would have tried and I could tell by the way he was looking at me he knew it because he went to the door and turned back to me looking at me one last time and sighed,

“I’m sorry baby but you know I had to, for the brotherhood. Stay here and calm down,” he added shutting the door behind him.

Tears started coming again the moment he closed the door and I’m sure I would have screamed and bawled if I had been able to summon the energy at the time but I couldn’t find it. Within minutes I had cried myself into a nightmare fueled sleep where I could still feel them touching me their tongues still tickling my body after each hit with the crop their fingers and penis still deep inside me as the weight of my own body pulled at my arms making me sore. And worst of all the stars and tickling sensation when I came in their mouths despite the pain and soreness.


	10. 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Will learn about Da's holiday plans (ewww) and make him an offer to protect their siblings (eww).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again don't condone this behavior towards anyone especially children. I'm not sure if there is a lot of violence in this chapter however a lot of talk about it because well that's all the character knows so it's an on going topic of conversation. Before anyone asks yes Alcohol withdrawl can and often does kill people so before you drink stop and think please.
> 
> Lot's of dialogue in this chapters warnings are mostly talk of non-con because it's something that really is honestly an all encompassing thing in John's life at this point so when it's not happening it's being talked about among others going through the same stuff or people trying to get him to talk about it (he's not always a chatty one however I apparently am tonight). IF you have any questions or comments please by all means leave some if you can. I don't know sometimes I feel like I'm that horrible at writing no one just has anything to say about it. Let me know. Ask some questions, get some answers whatever suits your fancy someone just say something.

When I finally woke up I was still alone and I woke up to my own screams and sobs. As my eye sight begin to clear and tears started to subside I noticed it. A half-liter of rum sitting on one of the night stands and I set an unstable foot on the floor using the bed to hold myself to reach it and once I had a grip on it I allowed myself to fall back into the bed. I uncapped it bringing it to my lips in a shaking but firm grasps and I downed as much of it as I could at once choking back the tastes of the Rum and my own tears and then did it again and again until I felt my head starting to swim and I knew for certain I was piss drunk and wouldn’t be feeling anything if anyone tried to touch me again that night. Also knowing that I probably wouldn’t remember it as well which when I thought about the very idea was an added bonus.

I capped the bottle not even bothering to put it back on the night stand or set it on the floor and started to drift off into a painful but numb and what at the time I thought was a dreamless sleep. When I woke up I was still in pain and to top it off I had a major hang over however when I reached for my bottle I found it was gone and at the foot of the bed was a robe with a sticky note stuck to it the note read, “get out of my sex dungeon by 11am or we’ll have some fun, love Da” so I climbed unsteadily to my feet acutely aware of how sore certain parts of me were and slid the robe on. It took me forever to make it up the stairs to the kitchen because I kept having to stop and sit down.

At one point, I sat down on the steps and touched my face to find my chin and lower lip caked in dried blood meaning I had bitten a hole into my lower lip while I slept so not only was I raw red and bruised everywhere else I now had a bloody lip. I sighed because I couldn’t find the energy to care at that moment. I smiled sadly to myself causing my lip to crack open and start bleeding fresh thinking about how terrible I must look and that my Da was right it was a good punishment the walk of shame would be enough to scar me for life on its own forget everything else.

I numbly and painfully got to my feet climbing the last few steps into the kitchen and then made it to the next stair case to get to the second floor when I had to sit back down again. After I few moments I heard someone wandering around in the upstairs hallway and I swear my heart stopped because I thought it was Da but then Will appeared in the hallway. When he saw, me he quickened his pace until he got to the top of the steps and then he stopped dead and covered his mouth with his hand as he gasped.

“Shit!” I heard him utter coming towards me faster than I was ready to accept and I nearly fell off the stairs scrambling to get away from his approach.

“Don’t touch me!” I nearly shouted despite my incredibly sore throat I had just become aware of and started shaking just thinking about anyone putting a finger against my skin.

Will backed up slowly having a bit of an idea of how I was probably feeling physically and put his hands up in the air where I could see them, “Ok, I’m not going to touch you, it’s ok,” he said crouching down a couple steps above the one I was sitting on.

We sat there in silence for a good five minute or so him staring at me hard in the half darkness. I swallowed.

“What time is it?” I managed to say even though I had just become aware of how painful it was to speak.

“It’s around 7:30, I got up early because I’m on my own today. Like for real I guess,” he sighed looking at me, “Da gave Karen the day off.”

“So is H…” he started to say his name and I covered my ears with my hands.

“no, no, no, no” I started whispering squeezing my eyes shut tight enough I started to see stars.

“Ok, I won’t say it you’re ok,” Will must have said loudly because I could hear him over my own muttering and hands.

I stopped and waited for a minute and then lowered my hands and opened my eyes slowly.

“I won’t say it ok but,” Will sighed and shook his head looking at me, “You’re covered in blood. Dry gross cakey blood.” He said looking at me awkwardly.

“I bit a hole through my own lip while I was sleeping,” I said thinking that would explain it.

“No I mean the blood on your legs and it looks like there’s some on your chest,” he said causing me to look down at myself.

He was right. There was dried blood right under my right clavicle that was clearly belonging to a bite mark, “oh,” I said shifting pulling my robe closed and holding it.

Will sighed, “I won’t touch you scouts honor but, can you come with me?” Will asked me gently.

“Where are we going?” I asked climbing slowly to my feet and starting to walk up the stairs behind him.

As soon as we got upstairs he opened up one of the guest rooms the guest room mum had been occupying for like two days and I froze outside the door and shook my head, “No she’s can’t deal with this,” I said my nervous tick popping up.

“No John, you can’t deal with this and I’m not equipped so if she can’t snap out of it for this I don’t know what we’re going to do,” he said reaching his hand out as if he were going to touch my shoulder and I took a couple steps back, “That is exactly what I mean? How are you supposed to help me when you can’t stand human contact? I need her John, we need her,” he sighed.

“It’s not,” I huffed, “I feel like I have insects crawling all over me,” I whispered trying to fight back tears.

“Come on for me? Please?” Will said looking at me.

I nodded my approval as he opened the door. “Mum?” he called softly into the darkness.

“Will is that you?” She asked actually showing human response like she was present and accounted for.

“Yeah mum it’s me, I,” Will swallowed, “I need you to look at something. Please don’t freak out, I need you right now, we need you right now you have to be ok. You can’t freak out,” Will repeated himself. At that point I think it dawned on Mum that something must be really really wrong because she sat up.

“I’m ok, I’ll be fine whatever it is,” she said rubbing the sleep from her eyes and squinting into my darkness, “Is that you John?” my mum asked.

“You promised you wouldn’t freak out,” Will said, “I’m going to turn on the light now.”

Will hit the light the brightness causing me to shut my eyes to try and defend my body against it like an intruder while it took a moment for me to adjust. It must have taken mum a moment too because before I opened my eyes I heard a drawn out gasp of shock and another shit uttered from Will.

When I opened my eyes I looked at Mum and she had tears in her eyes and she smiled at me sadly, “I’m ok,” she nodded trying to reassure both of us she was fine, “What happened?” she asked as I swallowed and looked away.

“geese,” Will said trying to think of how to tell my mum what he knew about what happened.

“You know the brands on our hips?” he started cautiously, “their from this thing like club? It’s called the brotherhood and they believe in shit huh they think it’s ok to force people, boys to huh…”

My mum took a deep breath, “Do sexual things?” she said trying to help him out.

“Yeah with like adult guys,” he said, “And apparently after John got his brand in the hospital he mentioned what well, something about Da. The brotherhood wasn’t happy so some of them came and …” before he could finish mum cut him off.

“I think I understand,” my mum said looking at me.

“Mum,” Will said choosing his words very carefully I think more so he could keep his composure then for my personal benefit because Will wasn’t a very emotional kid for obvious reasons and it took a lot to upset him but this was very upsetting and he knew he couldn’t fall apart in front of me, “I don’t think he’s ok.” He said exhaling loudly and wiping at his eyes before he turned to look at me.

“Ok Will honey,” Mum said, “I’ll come upstairs and help you with the little ones in a little bit ok?” she said as a way of letting Will know she had it from there and he nodded and shut the door slowly behind him.

“Honey, can you tell me what happened?” she asked me.

I shook my head, “If I …no,” I replied sliding to the floor to sit because my body couldn’t stand anymore.

“Can you tell me what hurts?” she asked gently.

“Everything,” I whispered.

She sighed loudly and was silent for a moment as if trying to decide what to do and then she looked at me, “Ok I’m going to go get some alieve to start ok? Then we’ll clean you up and let you have a nice hot bath get you some food maybe?”

“I’m not hungry I just need a drink,” I sighed.

“Well what do you want to drink we have soda, juice, milk, water?” she asked helpfully.

“Not that kind of drink I mean a...”

“Ok,” she said my meaning dawning on her, “just this once, do you have one that you prefer?” she asked me measuredly.

“Rum, Vodka usually one of those,” I said shrugging and then winching from the pain.

“Ok, I’ll be back with some alieve and some Rum or Vodka wait here,” she said getting up and opening the door beside me and then shutting it quietly.

The kitchen wasn’t very far away so I knew she wouldn’t be gone long but I heard a noise in the hallway and then her talking to someone.

“Connor not now,” she sighed.

“You left your sanctuary I see, is he in there?” he asked her.

“Not sure what you mean,” she stated her voice cold.

“No don’t be stupid and don’t think I’m stupid you know what I mean. How’d he take it?” he asked her and I felt a cold chill go through my body.

“Connor don’t even try me right now, he’s black and blue and covered in dried blood. You’re fucking disgusting and you are not the man I married,” she nearly yelled at him.

“Yeah but, you’re stuck with me now so get over it, I want to see my baby. You think I liked having them do that to him? It was either that or his name goes in the bowl and I know you don’t know what I’m talking about but, trust me this was the much better choice,” he hissed at her.

“Don’t even!” she said her voice harder than I had ever heard it, “There is no excuse for this, he’ll barely talk to me you want to know what he told me? Everything hurts and he needs some alcohol and he’s in such bad shape I’m going to give him some because I know how bad that feels in there if you remember! And I need to take care of my son,” She said.

` “You mean our son?” My Da shot back.

“You just lost the right to call him yours,” she said and then I heard a snap and a sharp gasp which I learned later was him smacking her across the face.

“When you give him his meds and whatever take him upstairs to shower,” he hissed.

“No, he’s staying in there. There is no reason for him to go upstairs unless it’s to protect him from you but he would still be showering or bathing first, he’s beyond …Connor I have never seen him like this ever.”

“No he’s going upstairs like that so that everyone else gets the idea of what happens what their best outcome is if they ever say anything to anyone about our family or the brotherhood, you might think I was harsh but I did him a huge favor because I love him and I care about our family.”

“So not only are you going to let someone do whatever it is they did to him but you’re going to make him show his brothers and sisters? Will already saw him and I’m pretty sure Will gets the picture because he’s in tears, your second son is in tears because he’s that scared and worried about his older brother who has done every fucking thing he can since he could barely walk to protect him. And Will knows that. Their fucking 13 and 10 years old Connor their brains aren’t built to deal with this fucking stuff there are grown adults who can’t deal with this let alone two little boys. Now let me fucking take care of my sons and you stay the fuck away or I swear to god if you go near anyone anytime soon I will find a fucking gun and I will fucking shoot you dead and go to prison for it god help me I will,” she hissed at him.

I had never ever heard my mom swear and now she had sworn seven times and taken the lords name in vain twice in the span of three minutes regardless of what it might do to her own safety to go against my Da. I wasn’t sure who I was more afraid of at that point her or him just listening to their argument. I could picture Will upstairs and the look on his face if he had been listening. He would have had the biggest smile on his face thinking “well go mum” and I had just barely enough energy to shake my and even doing that hurt.

My Da was silent for a moment and I thought maybe he was going to charge at her for some reason but then almost so quiet I couldn’t hear he said, “One day you’ll be very very sorry for this Danielle, trust me,” and then I heard him stomp away.

“Yeah?” I heard her yell, “Well today isn’t one day and when that one day comes I’ll be ready boy.” She said and then the door flew open next to me and she staggered in head held high a vigorous angry energy about her for once in her life until she looked down at me on the ground and got down on her knees to be on my level.

“Here honey,” she said calmly putting the aleve in my mouth and uncapping a bottle of vodka allowing me to use it to down the pills and take a couple deep swallows before she took it away.

She backed away slightly giving me some space while we both sat on the floor staring at each other in silence, she sighed sadly and then asked again cautiously, “Can you tell me what happened?”

“No,” I answered simply.

“honey you need to tell me ok? I know it’s painful and it’s embarrassing and you really don’t want to but it’s important that you…”

I cut her off, “Don’t make mum please, maybe if I wash and don’t talk about it eventually I won’t be able to feel it anymore and I can forget,” I said.

“I wish but that’s not how it works, you know that John we’ve talked about that. Will you at least put it down in your journal?” she asked me.

“I’ll try,” I answered.

“Ok,” she sighed, “I have the polaroid camera so we can...”

I shook my head vigorously regardless of the pain, “NO! NO mum NO, NO, NO I can’t, NO,” I said forcefully.

She put her hands up as if to say she surrender, “Ok honey, ok I won’t make you this time I promise. Let me run you a bath and then I want you to lock the door behind me because I have to go upstairs for a while, When I come back down I’ll knock and tell you it’s me, don’t open the door until you know it’s me ok?” she said getting up off the floor and going to the joined bathroom and turning on the bath water.

After the tub was full she looked at me and moved like she wanted to hug me but I flinched as she bent down so she backed away, “Ok I love you, lock the door,” she said looking back at me and then shutting the door behind me.

I made sure I locked the door as soon as I got to my feet because I had learned not too long ago what hesitation could get me and I took off my robe and also managed to lower myself into the tub using shaky arms and pure luck. The water just touching my body made me sting in so many different places I could barely stand it so I ended up washing away most of the dried blood and then quickly claiming out of the tub and hobbling back to the bed drinking my way into oblivion so I could pass out again. At some point not too many hours later I heard and knock on the door and waited to hear her say that it was her.

“John honey it’s mom, open up,” she said as I hobbled my way to the door wrapped in the comforter and unlocked it.

She opened the door and turned on the light as I got back to the bed I turned to look at her and she sighed.

“Yeah?” I asked.

“I called Dr. Palmer,” she said, “he’s coming to check on you and make sure you’re physically ok.”

“Mum, everything hurts I just want to sleep,” I sighed looking at her.

“What do you mean everything hurts?”

“I don’t know just like everything, my back, my legs, my arms, my butt, my head, my shoulders, my spine…”

She cut me off, “what do you mean your spine?”

“they uhh…they chained my arms together and hung me from a hook on the ceiling,” I struggled to get the words out.

My mum waited a moment before she said anything as if she were trying to control her reaction and choose her words very carefully, “ok, why did they do that? Did they do anything else?” she asked calmly.

“Mum…please,” I said reaching for my almost empty bottle of vodka just as my mum grabbed it.

“Honey you can’t have anymore right now. Dr. Palmer might give you something to help you feel better and alcohol doesn’t mix well with that type of stuff so you need to stop for right now ok?” she said as she saw the look on my face.

“I need it,” I said sternly.

“Honey you can have some more later after Dr. Palmer comes and checks on you,” she said.

“No mum, I need it like you don’t understand,” I insisted.

“Honey can I sit with you? Would that help?” my mum asked me before she came towards the bed again.

“I guess so,” I said as she climbed into bed next to me.

I remember just having her next to me causing me to feel safe, a little more grounded and sure. I crawled close to her and hugged her tightly and she rubbed my hair and started talking to me softly. “I’m so sorry John,” she whispered to me as she looked at my face.

She didn’t say too much else for a bit. I had this overwhelming feeling that she could tell I was utterly broken and no amount of “I’m sorry” or “you’re going to be ok”s was going to fix it so she just sat there letting me hold onto her like I was a little boy again my head against her chest listening to her heart beat which is the first comfort a child ever knows. Sometimes I stop and think about that, just listening to my mum’s heart beat and I know that’s a comfort I’ll never forget. One that I’ll never have again but that thought also brings another thought to mind. That she was here, that she was once alive and vibrant and loving and gentle and that she loved me even when it was hard for me to love her and I thought she didn’t understand me. After a while I heard a knock on the door which caused me to flinch.

“Shh, it’s ok,” she said hugging me before she got up and opened the door.

Dr. Palmer was there with Da behind him. They both stepped into the room before my mum could stop my Da from coming in and my Da started coming towards me and I started freaking out, both Mum and Dr. Palmer noticed it.

“Mr. McGregor I think your son needs some space,” Dr. Palmer said calmly grabbing my Da by the arm gently to get his attention.

“Yeah, ok,” my Da sneered and then his face dropped when he looked at me, “Fuck I told them not above the shirt!” he said looking at me, “well, looks like I have to make a phone call, I’ll be back,” he said turning on his heel and leaving the room.

Dr. Palmer took that opportunity to lock the door for Mum and I. “Ok can you tell me what happened?” Dr. Palmer asked gently.

“I’m not, no,” I replied and took a deep breath because I knew he would want to give me a physical and I couldn’t even stand the thought of anyone but mum touching me.

“Danielle has he had anything I need to know about before I give him any medication?” he asked looking at her.

“Vodka almost a liter since the morning,” she said.

“I drank most of it super early,” I added.

“Ok, we’ll try one milligram of Ativan then and I’ll be watching you very closely for the next hour,” Dr. Palmer said shaking his head, “You need to stop drinking before you have a problem,” he muttered filling a syringe with something, “Ok just a quick poke,” he said poking me and administering the medication.

Within in about a minute I felt my eyes begin to close and my body relax even though I was fighting it.

“John honey, go to sleep, you’ll be ok I’m right here,” my mum said to me as I kept fighting to stay awake.

“He’ll be out in a just a minute for sure,” is the last thing I remember Dr. Palmer saying before everything faded away.

Next thing I remember it was a couple of hours later and Dr. Palmer was napping in a chair in the corner of the room with his head leaning against the wall for support and my mum was nowhere to be found. I didn’t feel as sore and it seemed like I was bandaged in different places. I sat up a little wrapping the covers tighter around my body and I cleared my throat causing Dr. Palmer to fall out of his chair to the floor and then he rubbed his eyes and looked up.

“Sorry,” he said sheepishly, “How are you feeling?”

“I thought you weren’t staying.” I stared at him accusingly.

“I wouldn’t have but I’m worried about your mental state,” he looked at me seriously, “How are you?”

“I’ve been better frankly thanks for asking though,” I said the tip of my tongue reaching my back molar as I rolled my eyes.

“You want to talk about it?” he coaxed.

I shook my head, “Would you?”

Dr Palmer sighed deeply and was silent for a moment before he responded, “If it were me? No but I can tell you from personal experience it helps to not keep it in. You might even want to drink less.”

“Last person that even hinted they knew anything about it I killed,” I hissed, “If anything that proves I need to be better at hiding it and keeping it in and not talking about anything.”

“What do you mean you killed someone?” Dr. Palmer asked.

“That’s why they did it because Dr. Jeffries guessed and I confirmed. Da said he was dead now,” I answered.

“Ok, I want you to think about this carefully before you answer. Did you shoot Dr. Jeffries? Did you I don’t know strangle him to death or run him over with a car?” Dr. Palmer asked me.

“No.” I said.

“Then, why on earth do you think you killed him? If he is dead, I don’t know if he is or not, if he is dead you had nothing to do with it. You didn’t kill anyone and don’t let them make you believe that you did. If he’s dead, it was either an accident or they killed him not you. You’re 13 years old John you don’t have that type of power. You aren’t god you don’t have some weird wishing people dead and it happens abilities ok? Whatever happened if something did it isn’t your fault you understand?” he said taking a very stern tone with me

. “No but I to…” he cut me off.

“No John, you might have mentioned something I’m sure but you did so because you need help and you know you do. You telling or confirming something is going on isn’t like killing someone trust me,” he said.

“I still shouldn’t have,” I said.

“No, you did the right thing. I’m just sorry you live in a world full of the wrong people. You don’t deserve this.” He said shaking his head.

“How could I not? Why would they if I don’t?” I asked my voice starting to catch.

“You probably won’t believe this for a long time but I’m going to say it anyway. Truth you didn’t do anything to deserve this and it’s not your fault. That’s the bottom line John it’s not your fault.” He said.

“But, sometimes I don’t say no. To him,” I said quietly.

“Ok but a lack of a no is not a yes. Do you understand what I mean?” Dr. Palmer asked me.

When I didn’t answer he sighed and moved to the foot of the bed and sat down making sure he kept a distance between us, “I don’t talk about my life usually with patients but I’m going to tell you a secret. I was raised in this 13 years ago I was sitting where you are right now and if someone had told me everything I just told you I would be a lot better off right now in my personal life. I don’t have a significant other, I don’t even know whether I’m straight or gay because most of the time I have no interest in sex what so ever because of what happened to me. But know it’s not your fault. I know the things they say. That you wanted it because your body responded all of that and you know what? It’s not true, they lie to you because they want you to feel like it’s your fault so you’ll keep quiet. The sooner you find someone you can talk to about it openly to the sooner things are going to start getting easier to deal with. You’re a good kid John, you are and you’re strong but drinking it away isn’t going to fix it. Keeping it in so you feel like drinking is the only way to deal with it isn’t going to fix it. The only thing drinking is going to do is kill your liver, ruin your blood pressure and if you get super addicted to the point where you have to drink to function when you decide to quit you’re in a world of trouble.”

“It already doesn’t work as well as it used to,” I replied, “If you noticed I’m already sober and it hasn’t even been a full day.”

“Yeah and that’s very dangerous you want to go through withdrawals where you’re puking your guts out and having seizures keep going, by all means drink away kiddo because that’s where you’re heading and you’re heading there fast,” Dr. Palmer scoffed.

“I can’t stand being in my body ok? I can’t, I’ve tried, what the fuck do you expect me to do? Did you get a good look at what they did? The strung me up like I was a fucking piece of meat and took turns beating me and then…” I swallowed, “licking me,” I flinched just saying the word “until I couldn’t …no. I can still feel them why do you think I don’t want to be touched? What am I supposed to do sit here until it’s gone which might not ever happen or find a way to live with myself no matter what that is?”

“Yes, I had to make sure you were ok, I had to give you shots because you have some very deep bites, human bites in different places and I don’t know who did it or what they could possibly have. You’re going to be taking antibiotics to make sure no infection sets in they almost tore you again right after you have just healed.”

“Yeah, I’m aware,” I said and I had to stop speaking to keep myself from crying so I took a minute and then I managed to choke out, “why can I still feel it?”

“Well the body, the nervous system is sort of like a computer it processes data, sensations and they are either painful or pleasurable. Sometimes if you experience both at once or intermittently the computer or your nervous system gets confused and processes all of the data one way usually pleasurable and that’s why so many people enjoy bondage and discipline because it feels good to them.”

“This does not feel good,” I said, “My whole body is fucking tingling and I need it to stop. Can you tell me when it’s going to stop?”

“No, there’s not clear answer on that it’s different for everyone. Like I said your nervous system is suffering from overstimulation so you’re going to feel like that for a while. How long does it take to usually go away?”

“You mean with him?” I asked staring up at the ceiling purposefully fidgeting to trying and distract myself from the feeling.

“Yes, with him,” Dr. Palmer nodded understanding I met my Da.

“Never, this is a million times worse though usually when it’s him it’s concentrated to like my lower body but right now it’s everywhere, it’s my arms, my legs, my … everywhere,” I said feeling the tears welling in my eyes, “I want to cut my skin off.”

“Ok I can give you some more Ativan to put you to sleep for a while and maybe when you wake up it will feel better and I can give your mom a prescription for it to fill but you can’t drink alcohol if I give it to you. Ativan is very dangerous to mix with alcohol.”

“No, I need it to just function I mean what happens when I run out of this magical medication you’re going to give me and it’s still not gone?” I asked.

“I don’t have the answer for that one John and I wish I could give you one I really do because I can see that you’re hurting and I took this job so I could try to help people and keep them from hurting and right now I can’t do that for you,” Dr. Palmer said calmly, “I’m sorry kiddo. I really am but you just have to try and hold out.”

Dr. Palmer sighed, “Has it ever gone away?” he asked, “the skin crawling.”

“It came back when we moved back here, before that it had been a long time,” I answered.

“Wait you mean when you got to the house or after he…” I cut him off.

“You mean after we fucked? Yeah that’s when it came back,” I hissed.

“I will never understand that about the brotherhood, every bottom refers to it as fucking it’s not fucking kids it’s rape, they rape you. A fuck suggests it’s consensual and it’s not consensual,” Dr. Palmer said more to himself then to me.

“Ok well compared to what they just did what he does feels ….,” I paused seeing if I could come up with a way to explain it and when I couldn’t I said “It just feels very different.”

“Can you tell me what they did?” he asked calmly, “Might help the feeling subside to say it to someone.”

“I don’t think it will,” I said still fidgeting vigorously.

“Why not try and see if it does?” Dr. Palmer asked me.

“Fine, I guess it can’t get worse,” I huffed “Ever heard the saying stripped and whipped, sucked and fucked?”

“Very familiar saying actually,” Dr. Palmer sighed raking a hand through his hair, “That’s what they did?”

“Just about every way you can think of,” I muttered.

“And it was Kingly right?” he asked.

“How’d you guess?” I asked more sarcastically then for real.

“Well your hair for one, and Kingly is a biter I’ve stitched more of that guy’s bite marks off of people then I would like to admit,” he sighed.

“Yeah so all of the things they say are true? The other bottoms I mean?” I asked.

“Pretty much,” Dr. Palmer said pausing as if stopping to choose his next words, “Usually if they tell you something there’s at least a little truth behind it. There are bottoms you shouldn’t trust but for the most part those guys are in the same boat as you going up the same shit creek without a paddle, they come in handy and you are untouchables aren’t you guys?”

“Yeah that’s what they called me,” I answered.

“There’s going to be guys that don’t like you right off the bat once the find that one out,” he said.

“Hey since we’re in here talking I have a question.” I said.

“Is it a bad question?” he asked looking at me nervously.

“It’s about something Cole said…” I started.

“Oh!” he said avoiding my gaze, “Geeze Cole,” he muttered, “You can ask, I’ll answer no matter how uncomfortable it might make me I mean I have seen you naked several times now and that has to be a bit more embarrassing so… shoot.”

I laughed slightly and shook my head, “Ok, Cole said you make deals with people so you can stay in to help get families out?”

“Yes, I make sure it’s always consensual to begin with but if someone is around I get a real no I have to ignore it so there’s not a lot of benefit for the other party unless I’m trying to get that particular family out then maybe.”

“Are you … gay?” I asked.

“Like I said I don’t know. I do that because it keeps them from figuring out I’m helping people leave and it’s what I know, Do I think I would be having sex with other guys especially guys so much younger than myself if I wasn’t into this underground railroad shit? No,” he said.

“Have you, with Cole?” I asked raising my eyebrows.

“Oh god no, he’s way too young,” Dr. Palmer said.

“Then how does he know?” I asked curiously.

“The older guys talk and the younger ones over hear, Cole’s … Justin has, sorry had an older brother that I’ve been involved with every once in a while. His name is Flynn,” he said.

“How old is Flynn?” I asked just wondering where his age limit sat out of curiousness.

“Flynn is older,” he replied.

“Is he in his 40’s?” I asked half sarcastic half teasing.

“No, he’s not that old he’s younger than I would like him to be ideally,” Dr. Palmer said, “That tends to be how it works though in the brotherhood. Flynn like 18 and a half if you want to put it that way.”

“Are there romantic feelings?” I asked totally yanking his chain now because it was distracting me so I didn’t notice my body so much.

“My goodness, you’re my patient I shouldn’t be talking to you about this,” he laughed slightly.

“Well, tell me your first name so I’ll feel less like a patient then,” I said.

“Victor, people call me Vic,” he said.

I looked at him, “It suits you, Vic,” I said and he just rolled his eyes and laughed.

“You’re cheeky,” he said.

“Aren’t we all though?” I asked

“Oh yes I think we use our wit and charm as a coping skill because we all seem to have playful and dirty senses of humor,” he answered.

“Ok well, Vic,” I said “Flynn and your Romantic feelings?”

He sighed trying not to laugh, “Well,” he said after a moment, “Maybe? I don’t know it’s hard to say. It hasn’t been that long since Justin … since Justin passed and that’s been really hard for him,” Vic said getting a sad look on his face and then he started to tear up, “I’m sorry, that kid he was a really good kid you would have liked him.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to upset you,” I said quietly.

“Don’t be sorry it’s not you, it’s good to talk about things even if they make you sad.” He said.

“Cole didn’t really tell me what happened to him but Chad said it was a straw draw and mentioned amputation,” I said.

“Yeah,” Vic sighed sadly, “snuff film for being in a relationship. I was there to pronounce and Cole was there because that’s a part of the punishment. You get to watch the one person, the one thing that you lived for die.”

“I’ll never fall in love then,” I said shaking my head.

“No you can it’s just safer to wait until you’re out and away. Until they’ve given you are “reward” for being a good bottom,” he said.

“I wonder why my Da did it,” I mused, “Joined the brotherhood, I mean he has money plenty of it in fact. So I just wonder…”

“Want a rumor?” Vic asked eyeing me sideways.

“Sure,” I said.

“Ok, rumor has it that the big L offered your Dad a job taking care of somethings that are hidden assets I guess you could say in his big corporation. So yeah it was money motivated but in order to work for big L you need to be a top so. That and you guys are fairly fresh blood and he likes to attract guys with younger sons because he says the younger the better,” Vic said.

I shook my head, “Of course, he was a freak way before this though.”

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“It’s been since I was …” I stopped, “Since I can remember he’s told me in passing that my grandpa who died before I was born used to do the same thing to him and my Uncle when they were kids so he didn’t think there was a problem with it and he has made it very clear to my mum that he still doesn’t, so,” I shrugged.

“Sounds like he wanted to find like minded people into pederasty and he did,” Vic commented.

“Pedo what?” I asked confused.

“It’s a Greek term it means lover of boys back then it was common for an older man to introduce a younger male to his sexual awakening. However different time, different culture then what we’re talking about now a days back then it was considered normal and sometimes they were lifelong lovers there was a lot of political networking so sort of similar to the brotherhood in that aspect but it was all consensual between parties from what historians have uncovered where this is very much not.” Vic said.

“I was about to say it sounds the same.”

“Like I said not exactly because it was consensual and incest was still a big one they frowned upon even in those times and there is a lot of incest going on inside the brotherhood. The big L likes for fathers to take the virginity of their sons.” Vic twitched.

We were both quiet for a couple of minutes, “You just turned like 26 didn’t you?” I asked.

“Not just I’m almost 27,” Vic said, “Why?”

“What’s the end like?” I asked seriously.

“Well, I met with big L he asked me if I wanted to stay in or if I wanted to leave and presented me with the non-discloser agreement and the names of different tops who said they would give me a job if I asked without sexual favor and the amount of money I was to get if I left. I still signed my non-discloser because you have to but I told him I was going to stay which he had known my intent because usually you announce that before you turn 20. And that was that, I was finishing school and Huntz said he would take me as a new partner if I,” he cleared his throat and coughed “Well you know how it goes just one last time before and so I did and here I am,” he said.

“IS there any way you can leave before then?” I asked.

“You can run away,” he said, “But if you get caught you go to the Villa for a month and it’s really not anything anyone wants to deal with and you get your name put into the bowl for every day you were gone so there’s that.”

“I kind of already did that with my Da,” I said quietly, “When we got here I told him if he let everyone else be normal and kept Uncle Ben away from them I would,” I exhaled, “I did and I don’t know how I’m ever going to forgive myself,” I sighed.

“You kept your brothers safe,” Vic pointed out, “The best you could, That’s noble that’s brave. You shouldn’t feel like you have to forgive yourself for that you should be proud of yourself because it means you love your brothers more than your dad ever will.”

“What do you mean?” I asked confused.

“Ok I’ve been seeing a therapist and I disclosed. I did it was a big step but we’ve talked about somethings and the brotherhood doesn’t think of us as people when we’re bottoms. Your dad doesn’t think of you as your own person or any of your siblings. He views you as property. Listen to the way he talks about you when you’re not around or right before he hands you over to someone, “Don’t kill him he’s mine” “They are my kids” so on and so forth any of it sound familiar?”

“Very,” I nodded.

“He loves you and your siblings and this is going to sound harsh and it was a big pill for me to swallow myself, he loves you and your siblings like he loves his favorite car. You love your brothers because yeah they are your brothers but one of them is curious and annoying and the other one is super funny and yet another one is just so smart and so on, you love them for who they are as people and not just because they are your brothers right?” he asked.

“Well yeah,” I said, “I once heard on TV somewhere that your first child is your youngest sibling and I think it’s true because I remember things from when I was little. I’m not sure my mum knows I remember but I do.”

“Like what?” Vic asked.

“I used to put him in the closet, Will. I was four or five and I would drag him into the closet when my Uncle would babysit us so he couldn’t touch him because he couldn’t find him. The weirdest part about it is Will says he remembers too. I used to hide him constantly because Mum and Da were always fighting, always they would fight and then she’d fall asleep and then Da would come lay in bed with me those are my most vivid memories of being really little that and hiding Will from Uncle Ben.”

“I’m sorry, that sounds scary,” Vic sighed.

“I don’t remember being super scared for me but more for him, Will I mean. There’s this one memory I have I was six or seven I woke up and I was alone got up to go to the bathroom and Da was standing over Will in his bed and I remember being really really scared and I called out to my Da and so he…came to bed with me,” I said actually disclosing one of my clearest childhood memories of right after Mike and Matt had been born.

“I’ve been at the parties since I was that age. It took me until I was around seven or eight to realize it wasn’t normal. Having a giant orgie with your dad and his friends wasn’t normal. My first actual memory is pretty graphic,” Vic said.

I just nodded in understanding, “My Uncle did things to me before my Da ever did not that what my Da did back then wasn’t bad but the babysitting was his excuse to get a blow job pretty much. I don’t like I can’t visualize it but I remember the smell just different things.”

“Well if you can’t visualize it that means you blocked a lot of it out and it’s probably better that way to be honest,” Vic commented.

“I don’t feel right,” I said.

“Like how?” Vic asked as I went to go stand and stumbled almost falling just as Vic caught me to steady me, “Sorry, I didn’t want you to hit the floor,” he said apologizing for touching me.

“It’s like a drunk feeling but I know I’m not drunk,” I said.

“When was the last time you ate? Are you light headed? Dizzy stomach feels hollow?” Vic asked.

“Yeah, I think yesterday morning,” I answered. “Ok, your blood sugar is low hold on,” he said turning around and rifling through his medical bag pulling out what looked like a pack of giant smarties, “Just one, stick in your cheek and suck on it, I will be back I have to go find you some food but that will help in the meantime, do you think you can get up to lock this door behind me?” he asked.

I blinked at him. I remember it felt like he was swaying. My body was no longer tingling all over but everything was swaying like I was being rocked back and forth. After I didn’t answer he unwrapped the candy for me and gently opened my mouth and popped it in and he told me to stick it in my cheek and suck on it again. I felt like I was listening to him underwater though and I knew something was really wrong. He sat next to me and got out the stethoscope and blood pressure cuff and started taking my blood pressure and checking my pulse and as I sat there with the huge smarties in my mouth I started to feel better.

He must have noticed a change on my face because he looked at me closely, “feeling better?”

“Yeah,” I said.

“Why hasn’t your mum brought you food?” he asked me.

“I couldn’t eat at first and now I just I didn’t want to after…” I trailed off.

“Ok but you need to eat. Especially when you’re looking at a calorie deficit like that. Because drinking alcohol on an empty stomach will make you drunk faster, dehydrate you and just give you a huge sugar rush which will cause a really bad sugar crash which is what you just experienced, so please no matter what’s going on with your body remember to eat and not just drink liquor. Like actual food kiddo. Do you feel steady enough to walk so you can lock the door behind me?” he asked again.

“Yeah,” I said.

“Ok lock the door I’ll go grab you some food,” he said getting up and then looking at himself, “hold on.” He said stopping me from getting up and then he took off his shirt and undid his pants, “It’s a trick to make him think I…you know,” he said, “Ok up nice and slow and lock the door, I’ll tell you it’s me when I’m back.”

“Ok,” I said slowly getting to my feet as he opened the door. And I quickly locked the door behind him.

I didn’t learn until about two or three years later what was occurring behind that door at the time but because it was taking place here this is where I’m putting it. At the time Will had been trying to help mum the best he could while my Da had been on the phone most of the day because he suddenly wanted to have a grand Christmas party. Yes, my neck was a giant hickie again from chin to chest and I was black and blue covered in bite marks and welts from being hung up by my arms and whipped and my Da was planning a Christmas party in three days’ time because that was the best idea. Vic ran and basically grabbed whatever he could find and pretended it was all for him but that he wasn’t done with me because he was supposed to be assaulting me and instead he was chatting with me hoping to keep me distracted long enough that my skin would stop crawling. Anyway.

Vic knocked and said it was him so I opened up the door and he shoved a glass of orange juice in my hand and said “drink” and then he sat down on the foot of the bed and opened up some string cheese and handed it to me and then also handed me a lunchable which I ate all of oddly enough.

“Ok, it’s getting late,” Vic said casually, “I should leave because your Da really is an unsettling man,” he said.

“Why does everyone say that?” I sighed, “I mean yeah it’s true but what exactly do you mean?”

“It’s hard to explain but he gives off this vibe like if you look at him wrong he’s going to grab an ax and murder you, that is the best way I can explain it,” Vic summarized for me.

“You’re saying my Da gives off serial killer vibes?” I questioned my eyebrows raised.

“It’s more he gives off a “This is mine you don’t belong here why are you here get out get away from my things,” vibe,” Vic said.

“So like he’s a dog that pisses on everything?” I asked.

Vic smiled stifling a laugh, “Ok apparently I’m not explaining it well so let’s pretend I didn’t say anything, I have to go before your Da decides he wants to join us because I don’t picture that one ending well for either you or me. I’ll see you later. At the clinic on the second when I do you follow up ok?”

“Ok cool, thanks,” I said.

“Ok,” he said gathering his bag and making sure all of his supplies was put away, “Go upstairs and get some rest ok.”

“Ok, goodbye,” I said standing up and going to the door as he opened it and walked briskly towards the stairs and out of the house without looking at me.

I turned to the elevator and went upstairs to our floor to find almost everything sleep and Cat and James passed out on the couch While Mike, Matt and Will watched a movie and mum was cleaning the kitchen. I quickly went to my room and grabbed some underwear and pants forgetting I should probably grab a shirt as well and then I went and sat down on the couch.

Mike turned to me to say something and stopped mouth gaping looking at me, “What happened?” he asked me after a minute.

“I forgot,” I said.

“You look like someone tried to kill you and you forgot what happened?” He said confused.

“No, I’m not talking about that part I meant I forgot to grab a shirt,” I said getting up and jogging back to my room and then throwing it over my head and sitting back down on the couch.

“That’s not much better,” he said still frowning at me.

“It’s the best I can do right now Mike please,” I sighed.

“But…” he started to ask me something.

“It’s your neck you giant hickie,” Will said without even looking at me.

I groaned, “are you kidding me?”

“Check a mirror,” he said simply as my groan stirred Cat and James and mum started the dishwasher.

“Ok nuggets time for bed,” she said rousing them both with kisses, “You Too things come on,” she said motioning to Mike and Matt.

“But Mum, it’s not over” Matt whined “It’s nearly 9pm and it might be vacation but tis a week day so off to bed,” she said her tiny group following her down the hall “all teeth brushed and I’ll be in to tuck you up for the night soon. Will, John you get another half hour,” she said.

“Are you ok?” Will asked glancing out of the corner of his eye at me.

“I’m better than I was,” I answered.

“Good,” he said simply.

“Anything interesting happen?” I asked.

“While mum was downstairs with you and everyone was supposed to be napping Andrew took off his diaper and played with his own poop smearing on the wall and his bed so that was fun,” Will sighed.

“I’m glad I missed it,” I said.

Will laughed, “You better be because that was nasty, Like what in the world? If this is the behavior, we have to look forward to from him we’re going to be very busy for a long long time.”

“I don’t think so, they don’t call it terrible twos for nothing, I’m sure mum has some stories about us,” I said.

“Yeah but he is never living this down it was so sick,” he said bowling over with laughter.

“It’s so sick yet you can’t stop laughing,” I said laughing too.

“No like I heard a noise and I just walk in there and he has the biggest smile on his face and it smells like something died and he’s just painting with it on his mattress like it’s the most normal thing he’s ever done and he sees me and looks up and smiles and says, “I paint poop” all excited.” Like be super glad you missed it. Then I had to make the choice of picking him up and throwing him in the tub or grabbing the laundry and something clean the wall off. I yelled for mum and grabbed him because I wasn’t touching that wall!” he said between galls of laughter.

“Well at least someone had fun today,” I said as our laughter started to subside, “So what’s going on?”

“Oh Buffy?” Will asked, “I’m only half paying attention it’s a rerun anyway. She just got back to town expelled from school “Oh Angel” he said in a high pitched girly voice, “drama drama drama Mr. Pointy and now Zombies are attacking. I blame mum,” he said.

“You blame mum for Zombies attacking?” I asked confused.

He snorted with laughter again, “No for the poop paint, she wanted Cat and James to do something fun to distract them from you not being here and so she had them make some Christmas ornaments to hang on the tree and it involved finger painting so, I think Andrew thought that looked like fun and didn’t have any paint so he went for his next best bet,” Will said.

“Ah so he had a fairly good idea just really really horrible execution,” I said.

“Yeah I think that’s what it amounts to,” Will nodded.

“My day was not as eventful,” I said.

“Considering how your night went I hope not,” Will sighed, “Everything check out fine with you? I mean with the Dr and all that.”

“Physically? I’m bruised and battered but otherwise physically ok. He yelled at me for drinking and probably yelled at mum for letting me drink,” I said.

“Good someone should,” he said and then he was silent for a moment as we watched the tv and then he turned to look me in the face, “You’re right I don’t want a relationship with Da like you have.”

“Will?” I said as I saw the tears starting to form in his eyes, “Does mum know?” I asked quietly.

“No, I wrote it down like we’re supposed to but it doesn’t really make me feel any better,” he said pulling his emotions back in.

I came over to the other sofa and sat down next to him and reached over and squeezed his hand firmly but gently and just held it as we watched tv in silence until the end of the show when Felicity’s opening started to play and then we got up just as mum wandered out of the last room.

“You guys ready for bed?” she asked trying to be quiet so as not to wake anyone she had just tucked in.

“Yeah,” I said coming up to her and kissing her on the cheek, “Night mum, love you.”

“You want me to come tuck you in?” she asked me.

“No I’m good, take care of Will,” I said going over and turning off the living room light making sure the small nightlight was plugged into the wall and walking down the hallway to my room and shutting the door.

I waited until I heard the elevator kick to life and then slowly climbed out of bed making sure everyone else was still safely tucked away and I walked over to the hall closet to check the diaper bag and see if it was still in there. I opened it and there it was, that bottle of shiny clear liquor I had stowed away no one had even suspected it was in there. I thanked my lucky stars and took it, taking it to my room.

I took my other bottle and cleaned it off and then settled down into bed. Just having one brought me this unexplainable comfort. Having that bottle hidden away under my bed. I had heard Vic but I hadn’t cared. It didn’t really matter to me because if I stopped to think about anything instead of just doing my skin crawled my whole body buzzing with a horrible sensation as if insects were climbing over my skin. If drinking made it so I didn’t stop to think I didn’t get that feeling and things were ok, maybe not the best but bearable.

I laid my head down after making sure I tucked my bottles away under my bed and then I fell asleep shortly thereafter. I don’t remember dreaming that night but who really recalls dreams after years? I’m usually a frequent dreamer but I don’t remember much dreaming during those years probably because my brain was floating in inebriated bliss before I fell asleep and sometimes even after. When I woke up the next morning my headache was back also always it felt like my brain was trying to escape from my skull so I did what I had always done, I took another drink enough to make the headache subside and got up.

Karen still wasn’t there but mum was gathered around all the babies in highchairs being fed the others at the table eating a breakfast of cereal or oatmeal and everything seemed fine. I sat down and grabbed the cheerios pouring myself a bowl as Mum bottle fed Mary in a chair. I looked over and noticed that Will was missing and I thought it was odd and a pang of fear shot through me until I heard the elevator dinged and he stepped off of it. I finished my bowl quickly.

“Will are you ok?” I asked.

“You mean? Yeah I’m fine, I need to tell you something though, something really important,’ he said pulling me lightly by the arm leading me down the hall to his room and once we were both inside he went behind me and shut the door.

“I overheard Da on the phone,” he said to me.

“So?” I asked not quiet understanding why he needed to tell me this, “What’s up?”

“There’s going to be a Christmas party,” Will said giving me this look like I was supposed to understand what that meant.

“And…?” I coaxed him.

“Da said something about the Big L and kingsly and Gable,” he said all in one breath.

“You sure he said “big L?” I asked sternly.

“Yes, positive,” Will answered.

“Shit,” I sighed, “You know who the big L is right? That’s the Leader as in the leader of the brotherhood.”

“Awesome,” Will moaned, “I hate him. If they are coming over do you think that means they are going to.”

I cut him off, “Probably, the question is with who?” I said.

“Well we know who Kingsly wants to see,” he said eyeing me his eyes darting to my neck, “But what about the other two?” he asked.

“Have you been with any of them? Like at all?” I asked,“I’m not asking to invade your space I’m asking because depending on how they acted it can give us hints as to who they might…” I said and he cut me off.

“Oh! Big L, the other two no,” Will said fidgeting.

“What did he do? Like everything or just like normal stuff like Da or not normal or what?” I asked.

“He was more into other things,” Will said numbly, “He got out this thing and it vibrated and he … geese this is hard. He put it inside while he,” he swallowed hard, “while he huh,” he paused trying again, “While he gave me oral and he did that until it hurt.”

I nodded my head slowly, “Ok. Did the guys tell you anything about him while you were there?”

“Not really,” Will said.

“Ok well I learned something from Dr. Palmer,” I said, “He likes them young and he won’t do anything to anyone who hasn’t lost their virginity.”

“How young is young?” Will asked.

“I’m not sure I just know young,” I said.

“Should we ask Da?” Will said.

“I kind of don’t want to ask Da anything,” I answered.

“Yeah neither do I but think of it this way. We don’t tell each other everything what if Da has done like the full deal with everyone and the big L is coming over to do things with like Mikey or James or something? Wouldn’t you want to know and see if you could do something to stop it from happening?” He said.

“Well, I know Da hasn’t touched Mikey because he asked me some questions about, sex and I asked him what he thought sex was and he said kissing and touching down there. So I asked him if Da had ever…and he said no and that it sounded gross,” I mentioned.

“Ok, but that’s one of three and how old were you when Da finally did that? Weren’t you like 8 or 9?” Will asked.

“Yeah,” I said, “And there was a lot of the touching and stuff before that from as far back as I can remember.”

“Ok so isn’t it possible that Da has done something to Matty and James? I mean I know James is only seven but that’s only a year away from 8 and Matty and Mikey are 9 right now so isn’t possible he’s done something to Matty but not Mikey yet?”

I was silent for a minute. I hated to think about it, to admit to myself that I couldn’t protect them like I wanted to believe I could but I was standing in front of one of them, my first baby brother and having this discussion with him so it was very possible that my Da was raping them already and they just didn’t want to tell anyone. I felt sick to my stomach just thinking about it, “Yeah, it’s possible.”

“Ok Well we can either ask them or we can ask Da and which one would you rather deal with. Watching them break down as we confront them and maybe retraumatize them or ask Da?” Will said.

“Yeah, I see what you’re saying,” I answered, “Let’s go ask right now.”

“Ok. Another quick question what can we offer him to keep the big L from doing that?” Will asked.

“Will I can only think of one thing and you know exactly what I’m referring to would you do that?” I asked him.

“If it meant keeping other people away from them? Would I do what we did before you mean?” He swallowed looking at me awkwardly.

“Dude, he might take it A LOT farther then what he made us do last time,” I said.

Will made a face like he was grossed out and shook his head and shivered, “I would do it for them but I don’t want to think about it,” he said, “Would you?”

“I could, if I had to, to keep them safe,” I said.

“Ok then we know what we’re going to offer?” Will asked to make sure we were on the same page.

I sighed and raked my hair back from my face, “Yeah,” I nodded.

“All right let’s go talk to him,” Will said and we opened the bedroom door and went to the elevator taking it down to the 3rd level where we knew Da would be in his home office.

The only thing on the 3rd floor was 3 master guest suites (smaller than my parents) and two home offices with a half bathroom and a library. I knocked on the first office door because I knew if he was in an office it would that one.

“Come in,” he shouted from inside and I walked in with Will behind me.

“Da I heard that…” I mumbled, “That the leader is coming to Christmas, is that true?”

“Someone has been snooping again huh?” he asked eyeing Will, “Yes, it’s true why John?”

“Well, I know he likes younger boys usually. So I was wondering if there was anything I could do to keep him from, hurting anyone,” I said.

“John, he’s not going to hurt them trust me they’ll like it,” he sighed, “And what would you do for me that would tempt me into thinking about not allowing him to do what he wants with whomever he wants?”

“Well,” Will said standing next to me and taking my hand, “There are things that you have shown some interest in.”

“I get you and I love the offer boys but I can’t tell him no, he’ll do what he wants,” He said, “I can tell you who he probably won’t touch. I haven’t gone all the way with Mikey so he’s safe.” Da replied.

“And the other two?” I asked nervously.

“You really want to hear about it?” He said smirking, “I mean I’m not usually one to kiss and tell but if you really want me to…”

“I don’t think you have to,” Will said suddenly because he very much caught Da’s meaning.

“Is your offer going to stand later?” he asked looking at us both and adjusting himself through his pants as if it had gotten a little tight.

I exhaled and Will closed his eyes, “Only if it’s to keep them safe,” Will answered letting go of my hand.

“Ok then,” Da said, “I’ll keep that in mind. Sorry guys not a lot I can do but your offer is VERY VERY tempting.” He smiled at us, “You’re not going to tell your mum who he is right?”

“Of course not,” We both said in unison.

“That wouldn’t go well,” I added.

“Ok, good. I have to go back to work, I’ll see you two later,” he sighed turning back around to his computer.

After that I ended up going back upstairs and went straight to my room drinking myself into a stupor because the whole thing was something I didn’t feel like dealing with so I listened to some music and napped. I don’t even remember what happened most of that day to be honest because I think I was going for a record of trying to forget mine and Will’s offer because let’s face it very gross and awkward. So I got black out pissed drunk and don’t remember anything from around noon to when I woke up the next morning.


	11. 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Da decides to host a party for christmas. A party that isn't very fun. John meets a new friend who makes him feel things he's never felt before (emotionally) and a lot of bad things happen. Warnings written in notes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok a lot of warnings. James is seven he gets raped off script but John is downstairs in the same area of the house. So big warning for underage there. Child porn warning for filming it, some talk about past abuse and minor character deaths that have happened in the past as well. Again don't believe any of this is ok it's just the way I deal with shit and get these horrible sick thoughts out of my head. Please don't read if you might find it triggering. Mentions of drug use along with "homophobic" slurs.

Yes, that morning started the same as many of the mornings of my 13th year of life if you noticed the theme. Major hang over, head ache so I drank to get rid of it. Just enough. I probably did the average stuff that day which usually involved playing tea party with Cat, changing lots of diapers and just general things until around 2:30. Da called us all downstairs and we all sat down in the kitchen mum her overly tired self and me just slightly pissed and he broke the news.

“My new boss wants to meet the family and as you know I’ve gotten to be very good friends with Officer Kingly and his wife passed not too long ago so it’s just him and his kids however Karen wanted to go on break with her friends so it’s just Hank and his son Patrick so I have invited them to stay the night tonight and eat dinner with us tomorrow. Gable is coming with his son whom I believe you know from school right Will? Cole?” My Da said, “So you guys can all hang out and get to know each other, have fun, chill do whatever it is you do tonight and then dinner tomorrow.”

"Oh that sounds nice the boys can have a sleep over,” My mum said happily, “that’s something you haven’t done since you left the dorms right John?”

“Yeah, it might be nice to make some friends,” I mumbled.

“I expect everyone to behave, those who are too young please give the older boys some space. They’ll be here around five so if you older guys could make sure your level is straightened out and help your mum I would be very grateful. That’s it for now I’m going up to my office to do some work.” Da said and then got up from the table.

We all stood and sat around in silence for a moment and then I sighed and clapped my hands together, “Ok because we’re all down here anyway who wants to have a snack in the big kitchen?” I asked.

“I eat fish!” Andrew yelled excitedly.

“Yes, you eat fish you monkey!” I replied tickling him in his seat.

“Anyone else want gold fish crackers?” Mum asked smiling at me.

“Can I have some mummy?” Catherine asked looking at her.

“You sure can little firefly,” she replied kissing her on the hair.

Will and I exchanged a look and he nodded his head quickly in the direction of the stairs as if to say he wanted to talk in private. I nodded helping mom doll out plates of gold fish crackers and then tapped her on the shoulder, “I’ll be back in a minute,” I said to her.

“Ok honey,” she said, “Everything ok?”

“Yeah, I’m all right,” I said getting nervous because I couldn’t tell if she was asking because she suspected something was up with this random “sleep over” or if she was just checking on me because of recent events.

She smiled at me in reply and waved me on my way. I walked up the stairs slowly not knowing exactly where I would find Will if he would be on the second floor or the all the way upstairs but I found him hanging out by the elevator. Leaning against the wall his arms folding and a frown on his face as if he were deep in thought. I got across from him and I sat down on the floor apple sauce crisscross and waited for him to speak.

“You don’t think she suspects do you?” I asked him.

“I was watching,” he said, “I think she knows for sure somethings up but, that’s why we have to be super careful John, you know how she’s been lately."

“You’re afraid she’s going to totally…” he broke of my sentence.

“Lose it when she figures… I mean if she figures out what’s going on? Yeah that’s exactly what I’m afraid of,” Will sighed, “I don’t know how we’re going to manage this John I mean we don’t know anything about this Patrick guy.”

“Yeah but I mean it’s Cole, we both know Cole and Cole seems cool. And they are both bottoms anyway so hopefully it won’t be that bad. Dr. Palmer put it by saying we’re up shit creek without a paddle and they are on the same boat so…hopefully he’s not that bad,” I said.

“I don’t know,” Will sighed as we heard the intercom buzz from the 3rd floor.

“Hey Dani girl can you sent our oldest five up to my office?” Da said.

“Huh why?” We heard mum reply from the kitchen when she pushed the button.

There was static for just a moment as Da pressed his button but didn’t say anything and then we heard. “Just do it.”

There was a pause of silence, “You boys heard that?” Mum said into the intercom referring to Will and I because everyone else was in the kitchen with her.

Will went up to the nearest com doc and hit the button, “affirmative Mum,” he said chuckling at himself and then sticking his tongue out at me, “Hickie and I heard and are going to head on up.”

I shook my head at him in disbelief and rolled my eyes. Apparently Will was in a happy and playful mood despite the treatment we were going to receive later. Him mentioning it though made me touch my neck and flinch. I kept forgetting to look in the mirror and see how horrible it really looked. Mum came on the com and said something to Will just as Mikey, Matty and James turned the corner in the hallway to come to us when I hit the elevator button.

“Yes, mum it was a joke sorry,” Will said in reply to whatever my mum had said, “They’re here we’re going up now.”

He hit the button on last time and let go. We all rode the elevator in silence and I looked over and noticed Mikey staring at me, “What?” I asked.

“Your neck looks horrible,” He commented just as the elevator opened.

“Yep,” I sighed as we got out and walked to the office and Will knocked on the door.

Da was there waiting for us and he just sat back in his chair as we crowded around the door way looking at him wondering why he wanted to talk to us all at once. He took a breath and then began, “Ok The leader is coming to Christmas. If you have hair anywhere that’s super obvious shave it please, I mean you John and Will and guys don’t eat a lot of fatty stuff make sure you get lots of fiber and please behave around the leader, if he asks you something answer, if he tells you not to do something don’t do it, behave or your name might end up in the bowl and I really don’t want it to because I love all of you very much. Ok everyone but John can go,” Da said and everyone else walked away towards the elevators.

“Shut the door baby please,” he said to me.

I turned around and shut the door behind me still staying close to it very nervous about what he wanted. Did he just want to talk or was something else going on? He gestured to the chair on the other side of his desk and so I sat. He sat in front of it taking a seat on his own desk right behind his computer but in front of me and he looked me up and down.

“Yeah?” I asked avoiding his gaze.

“Don’t worry it’s not time for anything like that I just have a question,” he said.

“Ok? What is it Da?” I asked him.

“Never mind just take off your shirt,” he said reaching for the hem of my t-shirt.

“Da I thought you just said…” he cut me off.

“Right, I want to see something so take it off,” he said I sighed but obeyed as he looked me up and down one of his hands touching my stomach right above my belly button to steady himself as he leaned over to look at my back and neck.

“He fucked you good, didn’t he?” My Da asked referring to what I figured were the bruises and welts all along my neck, back, chest and the rest of my body.

“Why do you care now? You didn’t earlier when I begged you not to leave me alone with them.” I said trying to keep my tone measured and even.

“I told him not anything above the shirt but … anyway have your mum help you put some of that make-up shit on your neck whatever it’s called,” he said.

“Concealer?” I offered the correct word to him, “Why? We all know it’s there and where it came from and you think the Leader is going to really care?” I sighed.

“Well your mum doesn’t know he’s the leader so ask her so it appears like it actually matters and that they aren’t all pervs. She doesn’t know about Hank I’m hoping?” he questioned me.

“You mean the guy that has a hard on for me, his daughter is our nanny, no she doesn’t know,” I said.

“Don’t be smart right now John you know I find it damn sexy most of the time but I’m not playing right now. Does she know?” he asked sternly.

“No,” I repeated myself.

“Good keep it that way,” he said tilting his head sideways as he looked at me, “Lift up your arm,” he said pointing to my casted arm and I looked at him confused but did as I was told. “You almost have real underarm hair,” My da pointed out looking at the light red fuzz that was starting to grow there.

“How often do you see me naked and you just noticed this?” I sneered putting my arm back down.

“Well usually when you’re naked I’m looking at other parts John and I don’t see you naked nearly as often as I would like these days,” he said pulling the arms of the chair I was sitting in into the upright position and lowering himself on my lap trapping me in the chair my arms pinned under his body.

“Da…” I said stopping myself from saying no or questioning him just in time.

No wasn’t a word we could use especially with him. However, “no” “don’t” and “stop” are words that come out impulsively when someone traps you to a chair.

“What baby?” he asked rubbing one of his hands through my hair sending chills down my body and raising goose bumps on the back of my neck. Forcing me to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from saying something angry and spiteful because of the fact he had me trapped in one of the worst possible places I felt I could be. I started fidgeting with my feet and swallowed turning my head away from him. He touched my neck where it was a giant bruise from Hank and still very tender and I flinched.

“I’m sorry he was so rough with you,” he sighed leaning in close to me kissing it gently.

“Why is he coming?” I asked.

“He wants to see the family.” He said thinking I was referring to the leader.

“Not him Da I mean Hank,” I said clarifying myself.

“Well, he asked if he could. I think he wants Patrick to have more friends because he’s coming home so I figured it couldn’t hurt.” My Da answered.

I rolled my eyes, “Can I speak freely?” I asked.

Usually I always asked because that way I could say whatever words I needed to so I could describe my feelings or needs and he wouldn’t get angry. If I didn’t ask beforehand sometimes he took as me ordering him to do something and he didn’t like that and there was usually some form of punishment whether that was being yelled at or hit and I didn’t think my body could take any more punishment at that point in time.

“Yes,” he said getting out of my lap and sitting back on top of his desk.

“Da I really don’t like him. He scares me like the things he does Uncle Ben doesn’t even do,” I said barely above a whisper.

“I know but you know why Uncle Ben doesn’t really do things like he does? Your mum has no say in how Hank treats you like your mum does with your Uncle. If your mum weren’t around your uncle would treat you worse than he does. I’ve seen your uncle do things that at your age probably haven’t even crossed your mind.” Da said.

“I’m sure if he’s worse than Hank and everyone says he is. I mean I never even thought that you could hang someone from the ceiling like that. That hurt,” I said.

“Yeah Dr. Palmer told me not the hanging of you off the ceiling but the way they did it so high up where you couldn’t touch the floor changed the way gravity effected your body and your back will be sore for a while.” He said coming around behind me and rubbing my shoulders lightly.

“Yeah. Why do you want me to shave?” I asked.

“The leader doesn’t like hair; I think you’ll be all right though. I know that Hank’s son will have to shave though. It surprises me how much of a difference even a year can make in kids,” he said.

“Hank’s son is older?” I asked.

“Pat? Just slightly, you’re in the same year though. He’s been away though for a while probably another reason why Hank took such a liking to you, not having his own son around to keep him company,” my Da said, “they should be here shortly.”

“Yeah I should go have mum put concealer on my neck and help me blend it,” I said standing up and going to the door.

When I stood up and turned my back to him he grabbed my hips roughly and grinded on me a little bit and I froze my shoulders coming up to my neck and my stomach jumping into my throat. “Don’t worry I’m supposed to choose someone else, it wouldn’t be a party if I didn’t,” he whispered in my ear, “You’re still my special boy though,” he said kissing my neck again and then grabbing my face to turn it backwards towards his and forcing me into a rough French kiss. He held it even as I struggled to break away kissing me fast and deep until I felt like I couldn’t breath and then he broke away.

“I’m going to go have mum help me with my neck,” I said hurrying out the door into the hall way where I could hear him laughing to himself as I shut the door.

I hated him. I loved him because he was my da but god did I hate him. I hated the way he made my body feel and how he knew he made me feel that way. I hated how he thought it was funny to watch me squirm or catch my breath when he made me tingle and he could see it on my face or feel it in my movements. I hated how he loved it and how he thought it was funny and I hated myself for it too. I hated the fact that I couldn’t hide it no matter how hard I tried. And I especially hated that I knew these feelings were supposed to be associated with good things that people do together when they love each other in a romantic way and not between father and son.

I got on the elevator and took it up to the family floor and saw my mum in the living room setting baby rockers and bouncers neatly in a row up against the wall while someone else vacuumed in the other family room and James dusted his piano across the hallway. I went up to her and tapped her on the shoulder.

“Hey,” she said looking at me and seeing the look on my face because she frowned, “John are you ok?” she asked me I just nodded my head and avoided her gaze as she tried to analyze me.

“Da said I need some concealer on my neck,” I said.

“Ok hold on let me grab my purse, I know it’s up here somewhere,” she said spotting it over by the mini kitchen and refiling though it. “here it is,” she said retrieving a small tube of skin colored liquid and taking the wand applicator out and applying it liberally to my neck and jaw then trying to blend it gently, “there you go that looks a little better,” she said smiling at me sadly, “Honey what’s wrong? Can you tell me please?”

I shook my head, “It’s nothing mum I’ll be fine. I’m ok, I promise,” I said.

“Ok, Will is downstairs waiting for them with Mikey you can go downstairs and wait too, maybe clean up whatever mess they’ve made for me please?” she asked.

“Yeah mum, I can do that,” I said.

“Thank you honey,” she said giving me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek.

I went to my room quickly and drank a good amount just enough to get me into a state of numb so that I could introduce myself to these people again without breaking down or jumping out of my skin and then I went to the elevator and took it downstairs. The TV was on but they weren’t even really watching it and Will was already cleaning up anything that wasn’t considered up to par and he saw me and looked at me.

“I can barely tell,” he said, “The miracles those girls have huh? Who knew?”

“Yeah who knew?” I said laughing lightly as the doorbell rang and my Da darted down the stairs.

“We rode together,” Hank said as my Da opened the door to him and Arthur shaking his hand one of them carrying a bag of what looked like Christmas presents and the other carrying what looked like a suitcase.

Cole stepped in behind his Dad carrying his own suit case and waved sheepishly at Will and I and then that was the moment Pat Kingly walked into my life. I looked at the door way and this guy with chin length black hair, a lip ring and the bluest eyes I had ever seen was staring back at me.

“Hey John, this is Paddy,” Hank said grabbing my shoulder startling me he then leaned in close and whispered in my ear “his ass isn’t nearly as good as yours.” I’m sure I visibly shuddered.

“Really?” Pat said shaking his head at his Dad, “keep it in your fucking pants.”

“Well, he’s certainly got a mouth,” my Da said looking at him.

“Yes, he does because he doesn’t understand what politeness and obedience is since he got back from his special vacation,” Hank said a strained smile on his face while he checked for my mum.

“Don’t worry I’ll find a way to take care of it,” My Da assured him, “Mr. Lord isn’t here yet,” he said as the elevator clanged to life meaning my mum was on her way downstairs.

I honestly didn’t know what to think of Patrick at first. I had never even seen anyone who looked like that. I also couldn’t imagine someone having to nerve to talk to them in that way. The brotherhood tried to remind us they were always in charge that certain things weren’t allowed and talking like that, having that type of attitude was something that really wasn’t allowed. You must remember the last meeting I had with any pure blooded American boys we were all butt ass naked and weren’t thinking about anything other then what shit our life was but this, he was different.

Because of my upbringing sex and life there wasn’t any separation to me sex was life and so I didn’t know if I was gay or straight or what have you because I had never had time to stop and think about it but this guy just that first sight of him made me want to think about it. That and the fact that he had actually stood up to his Dad and defended me had me very interested. I mean here I was this kid who was used to being used by every adult guy that walked into his life and this kid saw it who didn’t even know me and basically told his own Da to back the fuck up.

“John you ok?” My Da asked noticing the fact that I was completely just staring at this kid.

“huh yeah sorry, John,” I said offering my hand to Patrick.

“Cole told me about you,” he said, “I was expecting someone different,” he chuckled a little “you like talked him up a lot Cole, didn’t you?”

“Hi Officer Kingly,” Mum said coming downstairs, “Hi Mr. Gables”

“Oh please Arthur and Hank, we’re your guest after all,” Hank said to her.

My Da tapped me on the shoulder and pulled me to the side while Mum made small chat with Hank, “Why don’t you take Cole and Patrick upstairs? Third floor 2nd guest suite,” my Da said.

“Ok,” I sighed, “Well guys my Da wants me to show you where you’ll be staying,” I said looking at Cole, “Will coming?” I asked my brother.

“Yeah sure,” he said as we all climbed the stairs and walked up to the elevator once we were out of ear shot of our parents Cole started laughing.

“John did you go stupid back there? Your mouth fell wide open when Pat told his dad to back off you,” Cole said.

“I…. I…,” I stuttered.

“We don’t talk that way to Da,” Will answered, “We’d get our butts beat and other things.”

“Ah,” Patrick nodded his head, “I used to be the same way but my dad’s a huge asshole no matter what I do so whatever. Sorry about that by the way the man needs a fucking cold shower and leash, it’s your hair,” he said looking at me.

“I’ve heard,” I said.

“You should see what Hank, I mean your Dad did to his neck,” Will said as I turned and gave him a look telling him to cut it out.

“Let me guess he bit you?” Patrick said, “I’m really sorry.”

“I’m sure you have as much control over yours as we do ours,” I shrugged my shoulders, “Make up does wonders, doesn’t it?”

“You mean cover-up? Yeah for sure,” Patrick answered we got on the elevator.

“I can’t believe your dad lets you dress like that,” I said looking at him.

Patrick roared with laughter, “He doesn’t, he hates it but I burned all of my other street clothes like two months ago and I did the lip piercing on a horrible fucking dare from my friend Celia. At first Dad hated it and then he figured it was an easy way to grab me when he wants me to shut up so he lets me keep it.”

“My Da said you just got back, where were you?” Will asked.

Cole smiled and raised his eyebrows twice in a playful way, “Yeah Pat, where were you?”

“Oh shut up you fag!” Patrick yelled.

I expected Cole to get mad at this but he just laughed in response. “I was tied up,” Patrick said and then coughed nervously, “literally.”

“Ouch,” I replied.

“Yeah, I was caught at a pharm party and my Da and the big Loser weren’t too happy but it would be very strange if a cop who is about to make detective had his son randomly disappear so he sent me to “rehab”. I spent like a month at the Villa most of it in the back room or upstairs,” he sighed, “At least the big Loser let me stay faced out for most of it,” he said.

“Faced out?” I asked confused.

“I was playing with my best friend Molly,” he said.

“What?” I asked again even more confused.

“Oh geese your Dad really does keep you sheltered, doesn’t he?” Cole half-laughed at Will and I, “He means his favorite “best” friend abcd EEE,” Cole sang.

Will got a funny look on his face, “You mean MDMA?”

“Wow, look at you kid you got one up on your brother here,” Patrick commented, “Yeah, that’s Molly for you. Man, does she make you roll didn’t help with the rehab though,” he said.

“He had some nose candy while he was at my house can’t you tell he’s not usually this talkative,” Cole smiled.

“Oh you totally did some blow too don’t lie,” Patrick said.

“Yeah but, I hide it well,” Cole said.

“Why all the drugs?” Will asked.

“Well my young friend, after you spend so much of your time butt ass naked getting fucked up the ass you learn there are about three different ways to cope with it. You one, kill yourself two, become like them or our favorite number three you pick a vice and you go with it. I know guys that drop H-bombs two times a day just to keep going so they don’t fucking kill themselves.” Patrick laughed.

“H-bombs?” Will asked and I thanked my lucky stars because now I wasn’t the only one who sounded completely out of the loop.

“Molly and her friend smack,” Cole said.

“Yeah I won’t touch that shit; H will make you gone really fast. At least Molly is smooth and sweet, she takes her time seducing you H now, H is bad. H is fast, rough and will fuck your shit up which is already a problem I think we can all agree we have so why add to that?” Patrick said winking.

“How do you guys deal?” Patrick asked.

“I read,” Will answered.

“That’s strange,” Cole replied, “It’s awesome and probably really fucking healthy but strange.” He said shaking his head.

“What about you?” Patrick said eyeing me.

“Oh he’s more of a drownder,” Cole answered for me.

“Drownder?” I asked.

“You drink your best friends are Jack and Daniel,” he said.

Now that reference I instantly understood I smiled and nodded my head, “Yeah that’s me.”

“That shit is tough on your system you know, that, right?” Patrick said.

“Worse then what did you call it Molly?” I asked.

“Yeah Molly, see Molly makes you feel a little sick to your stomach but after she’s out of your system you are fine to do whatever but Alcohol that shit is hard core. If you get used to drinking it every day after a while if you stop you go nuts, it’s not good. I mean people leave Narcs anonymous they never leave alcoholics anonymous. You’re always recovering from that break up and never recovered,” he said, “Withdrawal from alcohol can kill you.”

“No kidding?” I asked skeptical.

“Dead serious my man,” Patrick said shaking his head at me.

“I thought I was your man?” Cole said sounding angry.

“You wish!” Patrick said draping himself over my shoulder laughing. I flinched in pain.

“Sorry, you ok? I didn’t mean to hurt you.” He said suddenly going serious as we got off the elevator and onto the 3rd floor.

“Hank bit him remember?” Will said before I could say I was ok.

“Fuck of course he did,” Patrick said, “I don’t, don’t ask me. I’m sorry. Did he draw blood?” Patrick asked worriedly.

“huh,” I exhaled confused by the sudden turn of conversation, “Yeah in a couple of places.”

“See? And that’s why I do Molly once she has you rolling you don’t care,” he said, “Sorry about that I don’t know why he bites I think he has a thing for pain.”

“You don’t say?” I asked sarcastically, “He fucking strung me from the ceiling and whipped me while they…”

Both Cole and Patrick cut me off “Whipped and stripped sucked and fucked!” they yelled out together and laughed.

“yeah,” I said quietly. Feeling a bit sick to my stomach but trying to hide it.

“Sorry, we’re fucking gone man,” Cole said, “We’re not smiling because we think it’s funny we’re just that fucking high,” he giggled and wiggled his eyebrows again making me laugh lightly.

“No, I know the feeling,” I said, “I get it you’re all right. They,” I sighed, “My Da wouldn’t let me get pissed before it happened.”

“FUCK NO!” Patrick said his eyes flashing, “Are you fucking kidding?”

“No, I wish I was,” I said closing my eyes because I could feel myself trying not to cry just remembering it.

“Dude, we’ll make up for it, Cole you got any on you?” Patrick asked looking at Cole.

“Hell yes,” Cole said, “Dude you should take a bump John it will so help and you’ll have a shit ton of energy trust me.”

“I don’t think that would be a good idea,” I sighed.

“You’re one of those?” Patrick asked.

“What do you mean one of those?” I asked slightly offended.

“No, not like a bad thing you just know what you like and you stick to it and don’t really want to try anything new,” he said, “And dude this is great and all but I really have to piss so what room are we using?”

“Oh yeah sorry,This one I think.” He said walking over to the right door by chance and opening it.

When he opened the door to powder blue walls I was really surprised, last time I had been in that room it had been yellow and not nearly as big however it had also been a nursery before the top level had been added. It was twice as big as I recalled it being from my childhood and there was a huge king sized cherry wood bed in the middle of the long wall with the full-length windows wide open overlooking the tennis court and outdoor pool. It looked almost like a hotel room.

Patrick whistled, “Damn,” was all he said after that a huge smile on his face.

“This room looks really different from what I remember,” Will said and I nodded my head in agreement.

“Have you ever been in this room?” Cole asked us noticing the looks on our faces as well.

“Not since it was remodeled,” I said, “We were in London at boarding school for a couple of years,” I added.

“And you haven’t spent any time in this room since?” He asked confused.

“Well no, we live upstairs,” I said.

“You live upstairs?” Patrick asked.

“Well, our Da is…well,” I shrugged, “So mum had him add on our own floor to keep us away from him as much as she can. We have a kitchen and two living rooms there are four bathrooms like six bedrooms so we’re like never down here, on the third floor. I mean Da’s office is across the hall but, yeah.”

“So you have a floor in your house you don’t even use? Well shit,” Cole laughed, “Hey Pat, don’t you need to?” he asked Patrick.

“Fuck yeah, I need to shave,” he said picking up his suit case and setting it on the bed rifling through it quickly as he pulled a razor and can of shaving cream out and then pulled his shirt off.At first I didn’t think anything of it but then I did a double take when he turned his back to me he had very deep and visible scars running the length of his back.

“He doesn’t look hairy,” Will commented.

And Cole burst out laughing to the point where he couldn’t contain himself and it took him a minute to gain composer enough to tell us what was so funny, “He has to shave his balls,” he gasped.

“Fuck Cole?! I don’t tell people when you have to shave your balls do I?” Patrick asked seeming slightly annoyed at the overshare.

“Well, no but I don’t have nearly as much hair as you do,” Cole said finally regaining his breath.

“Yeah because you wax. You’re such a fag,” Patrick said finding everything he needed and going into the bathroom.

“Excuse you! I’m fabulously gay!” Cole shouted back laughing again.

“Huh, you guys are too much,” Will sighed, “I’m going to go, I’ll see you all later,” he said shaking his head as he left.

Cole continued laughing as Will shut the door and walked away and I sat down in a chair and shook my head at him and then I thought about why they kept referring to Cole as a fag. I mean I knew he had been involved with Justin but for some reason the thought that he was gay had never occurred to me.

I asked, “So are you really gay?”

“Yeah,” he nodded calming down again, “Is that an issue for you?”

“Me? No,” I shook my head, “I was just wondering because well you know aren’t we all a little gay?” I asked.

Patrick apparently heard our conversation through the door because he shouted, “It’s not like we have a choice I think gay is a preference and not something forced on you. I actually really dig women but I mean I’ve been in this shit for so long…FUCK!” he shouted from in the bathroom.

“You get yourself with the razor?” Cole asked looking in the direction of the bathroom.

“No leg cramp, fuck, fuck fuck…” Patrick replied, “Better ok what was I saying? Oh, yeah, I’ve been in this shit for so long I don’t think I’m one or the other really I heard one of the older guys talking about it and he said he considered himself more fluid as in he preferred girls but he could find a guy attractive too, I think I feel the same way. Not that I look at most guys and think yeah I’d tap that ass but I can look at a guy and go “If I had to, I would tap that ass willingly.”

“What does that mean?” I asked afraid to know the answer.

“The videos, sometimes they make us make videos together,” Cole answered, “You know different bottoms with each other like I said before that’s how Justin and I ended up together the first time and the second and the third and well, things happened.” Cole sighed sadly.

“Right, I forgot,” I said afraid to say anything else about the subject.

“He’s in a better place,” Cole said, “You remind me of him just a little bit, not the way you look but that wide-eyed innocent look you get sometimes when you don’t know what we’re talking about. He wanted out so bad near the end. We were planning on running away but, they found out about us and that’s when…” Cole trailed off.

Patrick must have heard this bit of the conversation too because he opened the bathroom door so we could hear him shout out, “SO guys ready to get whipped and stripped sucked and fucked?” as if to distract Cole from his sadness.

My eyes went wide and Cole’s face lit up and he shook his head, “Pat he just turned white you just scared the shit out of him.”

“I …,” I shook my head not able to find the words for a second, “I can’t do that again. I can’t,” I said as I felt my body start trembling as the memories started flooding me.

“Oh shit,” Cole said suddenly getting very serious, “John, you need to take a deep breath ok?” he said trying to calm me down.

I felt myself starting to hyperventilate, “I can’t.” I answered.

“Pat you really scared him he’s flipping out here!” Cole yelled into the bathroom.

“John? Is there anything I can do to help?” he asked worriedly as I started to rock back and forth trying to get the feeling in my body to stop.

“Just wait,” I gasped taking struggling to take deep breaths in my nose and out my mouth while I tried to think about something else anything else as I squeezed my eyes shut. When I opened them, Patrick was out of the bathroom a towel around his waist watching me a very nervous and worried look in his face. Neither one of them was close to me but both looked very concerned. After a minute Cole riffled though his bag and handed me a bottle of Rum.

I reached out and took it in hand, “thanks” I said uncapping it and taking a huge drink.

“I’m sorry man I didn’t mean to…” Patrick started to say.

“It’s ok, I mean it’s not your fault Patrick,” I answered.

“You can call me Pat,” he said quietly, “Like no one calls me Patrick. I mean my mum did but yeah…”

“Ok, Pat,” I said taking another drink.

“Do you know what caused your…” Cole stopped thinking of the best way to put it, “melt down? Just so we can avoid it in the future.”

I stopped drinking and sighed putting the bottle down on the floor, “I think it was the thing … you know whipped and stripped…they said it hum…. I,” I shook my head and picked the bottle back up taking another deep drink.

“Ok, we won’t say that,” Pat said.

There was an awkward silence that followed for a moment and then Cole looked at me and said “So what do you do for fun around here?”

“My brothers play video games,” I answered the warmth starting to spread down into my chest and arms making me aware of how buzzed I was I chuckled slightly.

“What’s so funny?” Cole asked.

“I just realized I don’t have fun,” I said laughing harder.

“That’s ok, we’ll change that,” Pat said nodding as he looked at me he then grabbed some stuff out of his suit case and went into the bathroom to get dressed.

Just then there was a knock on the door and Cole shot me a look and went and opened it. Sure, enough our fathers were all standing there. I felt myself stiffen because I knew this was what they came for in the first place and just seeing them especially Hank made me tense. Just then Patrick walked out of the bathroom and rolled his eyes his whole posture changing to scream attitude.

“Yeah?” he asked looking at them as they walked in the door.

“He’s going to be here soon,” My Da said, “I told your mum we would let you kids have pizza and then I gave her something so she’ll be sleepy for a little while."

“And who is going to take care of the kids?” I asked.

“Will, Mikey and Matty,” he said, “they can handle it for a little bit.”

“Da you’re leaving an 11-year-old in charge?” I scoffed.

“What else do you expect me to do? Want me to leave Hank or Arthur in charge?” he asked.

“No.” I said automatically not even taking the question seriously. I didn’t trust Hank and Arthur with myself let alone with my baby brothers and sisters.

“I didn’t think so,” My Da replied looking at the three of us standing there in all our teen angst.

I grabbed the bottle of rum off the floor and took another big swig of it right in front of my Da and he barely seemed to care. “What are you doing?” Hank asked looking at me.

“I’m getting pissed for this,” I sighed taking another big drink.

“Nahuh pal, you’re mine and I want you sober,” he said reaching for the bottle.

I looked past Hank at my Da, “Oh come on!” I said to him, pleading almost. Sure, I was buzzed but buzzes tend to wear off fast once things started going. The only way to not really remember was the be black out pissed and it was taking me more and more alcohol each time to get there.

“John, you heard him hand him the bottle,” My Da said sighing as if he were bored of me.

Pat looked at them his eye his eyes flashing in anger, “You have got to be kidding?” he protested for me.

“Nope, you two are almost there too why ruin a good thing?” Hank said smiling wickedly.

Cole snorted in frustration and rolled his eyes. This wasn’t good. We had no idea what their plan was but we knew it probably involved swapping kids. Every top has their own style and you get used to your personal handler or top to have them switch it up on you especially when they won’t let you use your crutch is hell. Two days before that I had been with both Hank and Arthur and I barely held it together I was almost positive this time I was going to lose it completely. I felt the chills run down the back of my neck all the way down my spine as the three of them eyed the three of us.

It then dawned on Cole before it dawned on me or Pat, “You said Will is watching the kids?”

“Yes? Why do you care?” My Da answered him.

I then caught on to what Cole was getting at. “Who are the kids in this case Da?” I asked.

“You’ll find out,” he half-laughed.

“No tell me,” I hissed.

“Why? John why should I tell you anything they are my kids not yours just like you are my kid,” he said aggressively, “What I do with them is my business and you don’t need to know nor have any say,” he said very seriously.

“Because I’m your fuck buddy and I need to know,” I hissed and I saw both Hank and Arthur were taken back by what I had said.

My Da’s eyes flashed in anger in a way I had never seen them do before. “You want to say that again?” He dared me.

“Come on Da, there’s going to be four of you and there are only three of us standing here. Please tell me just so I can know so I can I don’t know maybe…” I stammered and he cut me off.

“So you can what? Be good? Try to talk me out of it? Make a deal for later? I told you John that’s not on the table right now. Man up and stand down. Hank likes fighters anyway don’t you Hank? If you don’t believe me you can always ask Patrick,” My Da said.

Hank stepped towards me again and Pat stepped in-between us putting his body between me and his father, “No,” Pat said shaking his head, “Not while I’m standing here.”

All three of our fathers laughed and Hank smirked at him, “What you jealous Paddy? You want him to yourself?” he asked and I could see the wheels in his head churning with ideas. Very bad ideas. Pat shook his head. “Then don’t concern yourself with him and move, unless you want your ass handed to you when you get home and I don’t mean by sex. I mean I’m going to take a crop and whip the shit out of you until you can’t stand boy and if you think I’m lying you’ll see,” he said very seriously.

I gulped and put my hand on Pat’s shoulder to let him know it was ok. That he didn’t have to stand up for me I would take it no matter how much it made my skin crawl just thinking about it if it saved my new friend a beating. I mean could I really expect him to stick his neck out for me if that’s what it meant? If that was what the consequence would be? Pat turned to look at me and it was like we had a whole conversation in just a single stare at each other.

He shook his head and I nodded mine vigorously as if he was saying “No I can’t let you” and I was saying, “Let me, I need to there’s no way out.” Pat finally took a step to the side after a moment and his Dad grabbed me hard by the bicep pulling me away from Patrick and nearly slammed me against the wall grabbing my chin and tilting my face upward so we were staring in each other’s eyes. My body felt frozen solid staring into his face but I didn’t say anything and I tried not to look away. His other hand feeling for my fly.

My Da turned to stare and I could feel my face turning red just thinking about what my Da was seeing not to mention Pat and Cole which were the two people’s whose opinions I really cared about. I swallowed and tried to even out my breathing hoping that I could stop my heart from slamming so hard against my rib cage but it was hopeless his other hand letting go of my chin and finding its way up my shirt as he buried his face in my neck and I balled my hands into fist to keep myself from trying to push him away.

My Da laughed “That’s enough Hank let’s get these boys downstairs before we start playing,” he said and Hank forced himself to pull away from me and head out the door. “Come on kids,” My Da said as we moved to go out the bedroom door lining up so he was the last one to leave right behind me.

As we exited he grabbed my hips really hard and held me really close making me let out almost a yelp of surprise as it caused my stomach to jump he then grabbed my neck roughly forcing me into a kiss that made Hank and Arthur laugh and Cole gasp. We then got to elevator and rode down in silence. We all knew where we were going and that this was probably why the leader was visiting us along with Hank and Arthur. Not every family had red rooms in their basement and it was a convenience all of the locks from the kitchen to the inside of both rooms not to mention any of the locks that might be inside the rooms to keep anyone restrained.

Once we got down the basement stairs into the hallway they stopped us from continuing farther and looked at us.

“Clothes,” My Da said.

“Clothes?” I said as Pat and Cole sighed and shook their heads.

“Oh yeah, come on you all know how this goes,” Arthur said looking at Pat and Cole and Pat shot all three of them a dirty look but started undressing and Cole did the same thing.

I wasn’t trying to be stupid I was scared. I didn’t know what they were going to do in there for all I knew they were going to make us have sex with each other. I could feel myself freeze and my Da sighed impatiently, “Come on baby,” my Da said looking at me expectantly when my arms both felt like they weighed thousands of pounds and all I could manage to do was force myself to breath.

“I’ll help him,” Hank said, restarting what he had been doing upstairs his hand gliding up my stomach under my shirt lifting it up and forcing it over my head and off. I could feel myself starting to hyperventilate as his touch made my skin start to tingle. I took a deep breath in my nose and out my mouth and I remember having to consciously think about it to keep myself breathing as he undid my pants the rest of the way (I never redid my fly) and allowed them to fall to the floor as he yanked off my under wear so my clothes were in a pile around my feet. Hank laughed happily, “I love how he’s still soft,” he said his hand gliding up and down my chest caressing me as I continued to struggle with my breathing.

“You know how this works Hank,” My Da said unlocking the door to room number 2, the room where I had last been.

I felt the color drain from my face as everyone started walking forward. I stopped dead in front of the door Hank still behind me and my Da waiting with the door open in the room, “I can’t,” I said starting to have tremors as I shook my head, Hank grabbed my hips using them like handles forcing me forward out of the door way as I bit my lip to try and keep myself from screaming and I felt the tears in eyes coming up that I was having trouble holding back and that’s when I saw him.

Already in that damn cage in the corner was James. Curled into a ball his knees to his chest visibly scared and shaking as my Da unlocked the cage door and Pat and Cole stepped inside. At that point I really did think I was going to scream. This wasn’t fair at all. Of everything I had experienced, even the other night this was by far the worst thing I felt he had ever done and not just to me but to my mum, to my family as a whole and especially to James.

I felt my body unfreeze as I tore myself out of Hanks arms and ran to the cage, to my brother who looked so utterly terrified and had been in that cage alone down there by himself for who knew how long. I smiled to try and keep myself from crying as I climbed into the cage to my brother and I turned and looked my Da in the eyes, “I fucking hate you,” I hissed.

My Da raked his eyes up and down my form and laughed, “Your lips might say that but I know other parts of you never do,” he replied simply as I crawled towards my baby brother.

“Oh kid,” I sighed sadly, “Come here, it’s ok,” I said pulling on him as he scooted towards me willingly for comfort.

“What’s happening?” he asked me sadly.

I didn’t know how to answer; I couldn’t lie to him especially not at that moment. What did I say? I held him tight to my side using my good arm as he hugged me tightly around my chest as best his little arms could reach. Cole must have seen my wheels churning as he sat there looking at us because he was the one who answered James.

“Hey, what’s your name?” Cole coaxed him.

“James,” he said quietly.

“I’m Cole,” he said blinking his eyes appearing wet, “Some bad things are about to happen and I need to listen to me ok James? If you can think of your favorite place ever and go there, no matter what you feel them doing, try to be there can you do that for us?” he pleaded with him.

“I’ll try,” he said, “They’re going to do that thing Da does that hurts, aren’t they?” he asked.

I closed my eyes and nodded trying to hold it together. He couldn’t see me lose it. I knew he couldn’t see me lose it I had to swallow my own fear and hold it together because if I couldn’t this would be a million times worse for him and I knew it.

“Yeah,” I said gaining some composure, "They hmm…they’re going to do the other things Da does too.”

“They thing he does after? When he…” James visibly blushed just thinking about how embarrassing it was and he leaned close and whispered in my ear, “with his mouth?”

“Yeah that’s the apart of the things,” I said.

James shook his head as he started to tear up, “I don’t like that, I don’t like when he does that at all.” He said in reply to my answer.

Cole seemed to have an answer, “We know, we understand but that’s why you have to go away in your head, if it helps you can build yourself your own castle, and put yourself there where nothing bad can happen to you. Try to stay there no matter what you hear or feel just try to go away and when you think it’s safe when it feels like everything has stopped come back,” Cole said, “I know it’s hard but after a few minutes you’ll be able to I promise. Let’s build your castle together right now just to try and make it easier for you to go there. What color is your castle?”

“Blue, I like blue,” he mumbled.

“Blue and does it have tall towers how many?” Pat asked catching onto the idea.

“Five,” James said.

“Is there anything special about the towers? Do they have big tall pointy roofs or is there someone in the towers? Are they open on the top and have guys on them?” Cole asked.

“Yeah guys with huge Canons so no one bad can get in,” he answered Cole, “And it’s made of the hardest steel you can think of so no one is allowed inside and it’s surrounded by a moat full of sharks and crocodiles,” James said.

“That’s good,” I said smiling sadly, “What’s inside the castle?”

“TV’s and video games everywhere and all the chocolate raisins anyone could ever eat,” he answered, “And there’s beautiful pianos in a special room, some of them are black and some are white, there’s even a red one with rainbow keys,” he added brightly, “I can make music there all kinds of music,” he said.

“That’s something you’re really good at,” I said smiling.

“Yeah I know and it makes everything better,” he nodded.

“Yeah it does,” I said thinking of how happy playing made him even though he was only seven, “You think you can go to that castle when they start doing things?” I asked.

“Yeah I’m sure going to try,” he said.

Just then we turned as the door opened. We hadn’t even notice them leave we had been so distracted by our terror, “Remember try as hard as you can no matter what happens, no matter what you hear or see or feel? Please? For me,” I said nodding my head and smiling encouragingly.

He squeezed me as tight as he little arms could manage and nodded his head at me in reply, “Good,” I said, “Remember mum and I love you so much pal and if we could we would stop this,” I said.

“I know John, it’s ok,” he said and hearing him say that almost made me start crying because I knew, every cell in my body knew that this wasn’t ok. None of it but especially this. Patrick came close to my other side and leaned into me to whisper in my ear.

“You’re staying strong, that’s good keep it together,” he said to me.

I took a deep breath and nodded to let Pat know I had heard every word and I knew exactly what he was talking about. Just as the Leader walked in. He had a huge evil grin on his face and it made me sick to my stomach. I knew who he was there for and I wanted to murder him. I wanted to murder all four of them but being only 13 I knew that to even try could mean my death and that would leave James and everyone else in even more events like the one that was about to take place.

I held him a little tighter to my side and looked down at him, “Try and start going to your castle now,” I said.

“I’ll try,” he answered closing his eyes tightly as I felt his body start to relax against mine.Me really hoping this worked to provide him some relief.

“I so want to be lit or loaded right now,” Cole mumbled and Pat and I nodded our heads in silent agreement as we all took a deep breath in unison.

“Nice group,” The leader said coming up to our cage and looking at us.

“You got the partitions?” He asked my Da.

“Of course sir,” my Da said, “Provide all of us with a little privacy while we engage in our activities.”

“Good, good,” he said staring at us, “I see I got a special one?” he asked.

“Of course, sir,” My Da answered, “We know your tastes tend to be younger sometimes and I wanted to make sure I catered to you if I was able to.”

“I appreciate that,” The leader replied licking his lips eyeing my little brother, causing me to hold him tighter to my side. “He is beautiful Connor,” The leader replied, “You make beautiful children.”

“Thank your sir,” He answered seeming almost excited for this type of compliment as if something he had done on purpose was being acknowledged.

“Ok, now we all know the rules, please use condoms I don’t want to accidently catch anything anyone didn’t realize they had. I would like a bed for this sweet little peach I’m about to devour and I think everyone else can find their own arrangements?” he asked the other three.

“Yes of course sir,” My Da replied to him, “Hank do you feel like you need a bed?”

Hank smiled gleefully, “You know me, All I need is a good surface or some chains to prop him up and I’m good.”

“You Arthur?” He asked.

Arthur looked at Patrick and looked like he was really thinking about it, “I’ll use a bed,” he said his eyes locking on Patrick as I felt Patrick shiver for just a brief second as he gave Arthur a death stare.

“Ok I’m fine with that, Then Hank and I will be in here and you and the Leader can be in the other room,” My Da said as they moved to unlock the cage, my Da leaning over so his knee was resting on the floor of the cage that was maybe two feet off the ground, “Come on James,” he said holding his hand out trying to coax James out of the cage and I felt James tense beside me.

“No,” I said and Patrick shook his head as Cole moved to sit in front of James.

“Now, now guys. Not your decision remember?” My Da said emotionless.

“I can’t let you,” I said as Cole looked down at the cage floor and nodded in agreement standing his ground.

“Fine he can come out last,” My Da said grabbing Cole around the neck choking him as he pulled him forward out of the cage Cole’s eyes wide in fear as he tried to pass air and was pulled out from the cage his feet barely able to find the floor in time before he was dragged over to a table where both Arthur and Hank strapped him into place.

My Da then reached in barely able to reach anyone else because we were against the back side of the cage and I heard him swear under his breath as he struggled a little bit but managed to finally grab me by the ankle. James started crying as I tried to hold onto the back bars to keep myself safe inside that damned bird cage to no avail. My back hitting the bottom of the cage scraping against the entry as I fell to the floor and then Hank bent over and picked up the weight of my upper body. I looked and then I noticed they weren’t dragging me towards the hook where I had been before but towards what looked like a hospital bed next to it only it had what appeared to be claws sticking out at the sides and was shortened.

“NO!” I shouted and started to struggle even though they both had me in a death grip one by both of my legs and the other by both of my arms, “NO! NO!” I said struggling vigorously to get free as they lifted me high enough to place me in the bed, “DA you can’t be serious! NO!” I said again as they placed me on the bed and put me feet in the claw looking things my legs spread open to rest in them (I learned later these were stir ups).

“Let me tie him down,” Hank said to my Da and my Da nodded and let go of my legs which allowed me to kick and start to struggle against the bed trying to use my legs and lower body to get up as Hank held me down to the bed using his body weight on my head and upper chest to keep me pinned down and I heard him laugh as he pulled straps up that were attached to the sides of the bed and restrained me by both of my wrist.

“DA are you kidding me?!” I screamed as my Da and Arthur Grabbed Patrick and took him to the other room to be tied down as well and then Hank’s hand clamped down on my neck causing me to choke on my own scream.

“Stop,” he said and I froze dead mid movement, “good, you can listen,” he said as I stared at him and he strapped my other arm down, “We’re going to have some fun and I think this is something new to you so try to enjoy it.” He said as he walked to my one leg and put it in the stir up fastening it tightly into place and did the same with the next one.

He walked out of my view for a couple moments and when he came back he was naked and holding something long and black with a tapered end that was shaped slightly like an anchor to a sail boat. I didn’t know what it was but I knew I didn’t want it near me and I jerked hard but was unable to do anything other than cause the bed to rattle slightly as I jerked my legs being strapped tightly into the stir ups from the knees down so I couldn’t move my legs at all. He smiled making me feel sick as I stared at him.

“You’ll like it, I swear,” he said pulling up a small tray that had a huge container of lube on it and squirting a generous amount of lube onto whatever it was.Before I could protest he had turned it on to the highest setting and shoved it up my ass.

“FUCK!” I shouted out in surprise and Hank laughed at my reaction watching my body tense as it started to send vibrations up my asshole tickling my prostate.

“Yeah?” he asked staring at me as I tried to hold it together and not cry and then he started rubbing me. I jerked myself hard again trying to find some way to move away from his hands, his touch as he rubbed me until I was erect and then started blowing me.

“No no no no no no no no no,” I whispered my breath becoming heavy as I could feel myself starting to already reach the point where I would climax just then he did something I didn’t see that send a very sharp shock through my body “OOook,” I gasped and then bit into my bottom lip to try and keep myself quiet as my muscles tightened because I was fighting to not orgasm and keep breathing. I felt myself go cross eyed as my body almost let go but I managed to hold it in until I burned and he leaned up over me smacking me across the face causing me to open my eyes and focus.

“It’s not going to be that easy,” he hissed in my ear, “I want you to cum,” he said continuing to rub me as my eyes started to cross again so he smacked me across the face again, “No, look at me,” he said as I moaned through my tightly closed lips and my eyes started to cross again so he hit me again this time harder, “No look at me while you cum, I want to see your face,” he said staring into my eyes as it really started to burn.

“I know you have to, you can’t hold on forever,” he whispered licking my chest causing my nervous system to spontaneously misfire.

“Oh,” I gasped despite myself before I bit down into my own tongue to quiet myself.

“That’s it,” he said feeling me tense even more as I tried to keep from cumming, “You know you like it, you know it feels good just let it happen be a good boy,” he whispered to my nipple as he stared up into my face rubbing even harder making sure he held me by the chin so I couldn’t break eye contact. My whole body shaking with the effort of trying to not give him the satisfaction, “You know you want to just let it go, come on it feels good doesn’t it?’ he coaxed me, “You want it, you know you want it just cum for me baby,” he whispered into my chest biting down into a still healing mark that he had left the other day making me nearly scream out in pain and surprise the feeling of the bite and everything else going on being too much for my body to handle and me no longer being able to hold it in cumming all over his hand.

He laughed happily as he watched me orgasm my whole body going stiff as he finally allowed my eyes to roll into the back of my head and I began to shake. These waves of intense tingles spreading from the tips of my toes and fingers into places I didn’t even know could feel anything that intense waves of it just passing from my head to my toes over and over while I tried to breathe. At some point, I thought it was done and then I felt his tongue touch the head of my penis and I screamed not even being able to form words feeling like I was going to throw up and pass out simultaneously and then he pulled the thing out of me. For a moment, I was relieved because I thought he was done and then he climbed on top of me his weight settling somewhere around my pelvis and hips as he pushed inside of me and started thrusting.

“stop,” I moaned as he jabbed against the spot in my prostate that makes anyone jump and become erect all at once even though I had just finished climaxing maybe two or three minutes before.

“God yes,” he moaned above me as I tried to keep breathing and I felt myself trying to slip out of awareness of what was going on and go someplace anyplace else.

He punched me across the face knocking my lip against my own teeth causing it to start bleeding and he laughed and then let out another moan of pleasure as my tensing caused his body to near climax but not quiet reach it, “fuck yeah,” he said going even faster making the bed shake so badly I thought we were going to tip over as he his breath started coming in manic and frenzied gasps as he got closer his nails digging into my hips to help him keep his position inside me as he thrust once, twice, three more times and finally came moaning and shouting “fuck yes!” before he collapsed on top of me for a few moments.

He shifted his weight so I wasn’t supporting all of it and forced his tongue in my mouth kissing me aggressively as I felt my shoulders come up to my neck my body still shaking my mind afraid of whether he was done or what was going to happen next when I heard a yelp from across the room that made me jump and my eyes go wide. He broke our kiss and laughed. “I can assume your dad is having a good time huh?” he said kissing my collar bone.

I turned my head away to avoid his gaze and try to think of anything else besides what was happening and where I was however my shoulders had relaxed again and this provided good access to my neck which he bit into just lightly but the bruising there was already enough to cause me pain so I found myself biting the inside of my cheek as he continued to kiss there to hold back my screams.

“I could use some fight from you, I like it you realize?” he said to me.

“You’ll hurt me,” I said quietly in reply.

“Oh come on you know it feels good. I mean even now look at you, you want it. I can get the toy out again,” he said which did make me visibly flinch even though I tried to hide it, “You enjoyed it that much?” he asked in response.

“Don’t,” I uttered closing my eyes.

“Don’t what?” he asked sliding his hand in-between our bodies grabbing my shaft again and starting to rub.

I exhaled deeply and he laughed. He could tell I was trying to keep myself calm keep my body from being on edge but it hadn’t worked before and he knew it wasn’t going to work now he just loved watching me make the effort. He looked at my face intently and then I felt him starting to squeeze my eyes opening to stare at him as he squeezed harder until it got the point where I could no longer bite back my scream, “there it is,” he said then switching back to being gentle his kisses trailing down the center of my body.

“Don’t,” I said loudly starting to struggle against my bindings, “Please don’t do that again,” I gasped as he started licking my penis again trying to bring me back to an erection as my body started tingling again and I felt my eyes flutter as I my breathing started to become heavy again.

He laughed into my ball sac, “Your O face is so funny,” he mused.

I swallowed, “geese thanks,” I said sarcastically and then he bit down hard into my upper thigh.

“If I wanted to deal with that I would be with Paddy right now, lay back and just enjoy it or scream, no talking,” he barked after he had left a deep enough mark in my thigh to his liking.

I nodded my head letting him know I understood. And I understood pretty damn perfectly after that because it was only the second bite he had given me that night. He eyed me for a second and then started to blowing me again first lightly and then intensely and then lightly again before he deep throated me making my whole body jump and me moan outwardly a little bit as my nervous system started to misfire again. He took me out of his mouth and used his tongue to lick his way to my asshole before he stuck his tongue in there deep, “Fuck” I gasped as I could feel myself starting to climax which caused him to change his mind and deep throat me again causing me to cum hard and fast once again.

This time I came so hard my whole body was shaking and continued to shake with effort even after I was done climaxing. I almost felt like my body was having a seizure because my body was shaking so badly and I couldn’t get it to stop and he just got up and stood over me looking down at me as I continued to convulse every breath a conscious effort because I felt like if I didn’t purposely think about it I was going to stop breathing.

He just stared at me, “You’re still so soft,” he said touching my hip where my brand was gently making the convulsions even worse as I felt like my skin was catching fire and I tried to jerk away from his touch only to remember I was restrained tightly.

“No,” I could barely get out as my body shook with effort and my vision started flickering before my eyes like I was going to pass out.

“Having trouble breathing?” he asked looking down at me happily, “You think I could suck you to death?” he asked his hand reaching out to grab ahold of my penis again which caused me to squeak. “I think I probably could,” he said stroking me softly, “Want me to try?” he asked leaning over and whispering into my ear his mouth so close that his words tickled on my skin as I kept trying to hold it together. I felt one more stroke and then after that things go dark.

I don’t remember how much later it was but I woke up sore and still trembling on the bottom of that fucking cage at first not aware of too much and then I heard someone calling my name, “John, John are you awake yet?” it was Cole sitting in a ball next to me, looking down at me worriedly.

“I don’t want to be,” I mumbled, “What happened?”

“I have no idea man, I was otherwise preoccupied,” he said, “When I got here I was barely holding it together as it was but you were completely passed out.”

“oh,” I said my whole body starting to tingle again as if the rest of me had just woken up too my stomach turned sour and I was sure if I spoke I was going to throw up. Cole looked at me, “Oh geese, ok try to lean to the side and kind of just aim outside,” he said knowingly just as I managed to hurl barely outside the cage.

Afterwards my breath came in heavying gasps for a couple of moments until my stomach settled, “Where is my brother?!” I asked as it had just dawned on me.

“John, I don’t know remember I was kind of busy too?” Cole reminded me.

“JAMES! JAMES! DA YOU FUCKING! JAMES!” I screamed out started to fight against the bars where I had just thrown up, “You have got to be fucking kidding me!” I screamed slamming my cast down hard on the bottom of the cage. I couldn’t believe I had forgotten about James in the middle of all of this and I felt like the worst person in the world.

“John, calm down please,” Cole said measuredly, “You aren’t going to help him any if he comes back and you’re like this now take a deep breath and try to relax.”

“YOU KNOW WHAT THEY”RE PROBABLY DOING TO HIM?!” I screamed and felt myself starting to cry.

“Yes, John I know what they are more than likely doing to him but you being freaked out and screaming when they bring him back isn’t going to help him deal with it, you need to chill the fuck out,” Cole said in a tone so serious it brought me to my senses.

I sighed deeply, “Ok, ok,” I said finally able to calm down and speak without screaming, “I don’t know how … I just don’t know,” I said hugging my knees to my chest.

Cole sighed, “Your dad is…” Cole said his words trailing off into silence.

“Yeah,” I replied.

“I thought getting hit was bad that was.” He shook his head, “I hope I never have to do that again,” he said his eyes seemed to be staring at something far away that I couldn’t see.

I shrugged, “I’m used to him.”

“I understand why you drink so fucking much,” Cole said continuing to shake his head, “I have never…” Cole buried his head in his knees.

“I can’t tell you who’s is worse, my Da or Pat’s,” I said.

Cole sat there in silence for a moment, “Well…” he said after a few moments of reflection, “not to be gross or anything but my dad has gotten me too…you know before but never like that,” he said a faint blush spreading across his face as he said it, “And it’s not something you want to do at all let alone like…” he trailed off.

I nodded my head in silent agreement, “I can’t decide what’s worse having it so intensely mixed together like with Hank or what my Da does.”

“Well, Hank is different with me because you’re more his type but, I can deal with Hank, Hank doesn’t make me hate myself your dad on the other hand…” Cole trailed off just as the door opened and my Da walked in.

At first it looked like he was carrying a pile of blankets and then he shifted it in his arms and I saw a little hand poking out from in-between folds of a giant comforter. It was James, if he was conscious it was barely. Arthur came in behind my Da in his underwear smiling softly down at the blankets and he unlocked the door to our cage and held it open for Da who gently lowered my baby brother to the floor of the cage and the shut it and locked it again. Cole and I sat in silence staring at the little bundle of blankets until my Da and Arthur both retreated from the room and then I moved slowly towards it. I uncovered his face to see how bad he was. His eyes were closed and it looked as if he could have been dead, he was pasty and pale but covered in sweat ligature marks on his neck as well as marks from being very tightly bound by his wrists and elbows and I was sure the same could be said about his knees and ankles. I laid down next to him slowly very careful I didn’t touch him at first and then I slowly started rubbing his head the way a mum would to comfort a crying child.

“It’s ok bud, you’ll be ok,” I said barely a whisper as I held him blanket and all as if he were an infant that were being rocked while still swaddled. I could feel the tears behind my eyes that wanted to surface but I kept pushing them back just in case he was aware enough to hear what was happening around him.

“Do you think…” Cole started and I broke him off.

“He’ll be ok,” I said sadly looking down into his little face, “He’ll just hurt really bad for a couple of days.”

Cole sighed sadly, “You really love them, don’t you?” he said suddenly.

“Ever since the first one,” I smiled down into my brother’s little face, “Some people say your first younger sibling is your first child. With me that’s very true. By the time this one came along I was around 6 Da was always working or abusing someone and mum was always either just barely keeping up or pregnant or both. I changed his diapers, I’ve fed him, I was there when he learned how to walk up until I went away to boarding school.”

“That’s rough,” Cole sighed, “Is that why you are very … what’s the word I’m looking for stoic?”

“Probably,” I replied, “I’d give anything to keep them safe from him and from this. Sadly, sometimes what I can do isn’t enough. It feels like it’s never enough lately and I’m beyond exhausted. Not just my body but my mind too. When I drink, I can push through but like right now this,” I said looking down into his little face, “This is almost too much for me to deal with.”

“I can understand that,” Cole said, “If it does any good I think you’re an amazing person not just for how you are with them but for dealing with what you do.”

“Thanks,” I answered, “I don’t feel like an amazing person but, thanks. Sometimes I feel like a fucking failure like right now. He shouldn’t be here.”

“John, none of us should be here,” Cole said touching my shoulder lightly to make sure he had my attention.

“I realize,” I sighed, “But him especially, I mean look at him, he’s so little. It’s not fair.”

“Well, how old were you?” Cole said softly.

“I don’t know, no that’s not true,” I said really stopping to think about it, “I was eight. Just eight literally. It was my birthday,” I said quietly.

“Damn,” Cole said. I’m not sure if he said it out of impulse because he was shocked or if he meant as in that’s fucked up because honestly it is fucked up but that’s the life I had, we had. “I was ten I think,” he said after a moment, “My mom had been dead for a couple of months and …” Cole sighed.

“Cole you don’t have to tell me,” I said surprised that he was even about to say anything about it at all.

“No, I know I’ve never told anyone though. Is it ok?” Cole asked a worried look on his face.

“Yeah, it’s fine I just don’t want you to feel like you have to tell me. I’ll listen though,” I said.

“Ok,” Cole nodded, “He came home with some guy I don’t even remember who it was but they were both beyond drunk. The babysitter left. His friend thought it seemed like a good idea to wake me up and mess with me. So, they did. After him being drunk a couple of times it was like he didn’t need to be drunk anymore and things just…become what they are I guess.”

“I’m sorry,” I said after a moment of silence.

“no,” I heard a small moan come from the pile of blankets I was still holding, “No don’t let him please,” he cried out.

“Oh bud, you’re safe now, you’re safe now,” I muttered softly trying to comfort him, “shhhh… it’s ok, it’s just a dream.”

After my “shh” his eyes opened slowly and he looked up at me, “I built my castile.”

“Yeah? Did it help?” I asked him.

“A little bit, I don’t like that man,” he answered me.

“Me neither,” Cole said and I nodded my head in agreement.

“Do you think they’ll bring Pat back soon?” I asked Cole.

Cole grimaced and smiled all at once and shrugged his shoulders, “I have no idea but I imagine Pat is going to be taking a lot of downers once they are done. I mean you’ve heard the way he talks they don’t exactly like it.”

“Punishment,” I said more as a statement then a question but Cole just nodded his head in agreement.

“Punishment is something you don’t want,” Cole said.

“I,” I paused for a moment trying to figure out how I would carefully state what had happened to me, “Someone asked some questions about things and I confirmed and so I got to spend some time with your dad and Pats. They …. That was pretty bad.” I said.

“Both of them?” Cole shook his head, “Yeah, geese.” Cole said closing his eyes tightly as they started to water.

“You ok?” I asked him.

“I will be in a minute or two,” he said keeping his eyes closed.

“I’ve gotten in trouble before but, not nearly as often as Pat does,” Cole commented, “Pat has a lot of issues though if you haven’t noticed.”

“Oh I don’t know how someone couldn’t notice he seems pretty cool though,” I replied.

“Yeah for sure,” Cole said, “He’s just angry a lot. Aren’t we all though? But fair warning don’t mention his mom in front of him.”

“Why what happened to his mum?” I asked.

“Well, the story is she took off like three years ago and just left him behind but I don’t buy it. I think something else is going on there and knowing his dad I think his dad might have…” I cut Cole off.

“Killed her?” I asked.

“Well think about it, you know him. Would you put it past him to kill off his wife and hide it from everyone just so he could fuck with his kid’s head? Tell Pat that his mom didn’t love him and that’s why she left him there? Because Hank has been fucked up for a long time and I don’t think Pat’s mom would leave him. I knew his mom and it’s not something I think she would have done without coming back to get him already,’ Cole said, “So just don’t bring her up because at this point he’s convinced she hates him and she just took off and left him to rot when I don’t believe that’s the case.”

“Ok,” I nodded, “And no I wouldn’t put it past him. He’s very into messing with your head.” I said.

“So is your dad,” Cole sighed, “He really messes with your head badly what he does. The things he said to me no one has ever said stuff like that before.”

“I’m pretty sure I know what you’re talking about and yeah,” I said checking on the bundle I was holding “You ok?” I asked James.

“I’m so tired, it hurts,” James moaned moving in the blankets trying to use his hands to block the light from his eyes.

“I know bud, just try to sleep ok?” I said cuddling him closer.

“But it’s so sore,” he started crying referring to his whole body and not just any particular part.

“I know, trust me I understand but try to sleep and you’ll feel better,” I said to him and turned to Cole, “We should all try to sleep because trust me they are going to want us at dinner with my mum tomorrow, it is Christmas after all.”

Cole laughed harshly, “Yeah it is, isn’t it? Well, Merry Christmas.” He said laying down on the bottom of the cage with us curling up into the fetal position laying behind me our backs facing each other for warmth.

“Yeah goodnight,” I said.

“Night,” Cole mumbled as we both closed our eyes.

After we had all fallen soundly asleep we were woken as the door was thrown open and all four of them came stumbling in gleeful naked and sweating Hank dragging Pat in by the arms Pat not even able to stand. You could see the bruises starting to set in on Pat’s skin as he fought to stay awake and looking at him you distinctly got the feeling that everything below the collar of where his shirt would sit was sore beyond comprehension. My Da opened the cage so that Hank and Arthur could throw him inside.

“John want to play?” My Da asked smiling at me in a way that I had only seen him look at me once or twice in my whole life and I knew it wasn’t good. I shook my head. “If you don’t then James is going to,” he said and I could feel my whole body freeze up.

I wasn’t going to let that happen and he knew it. I must have communicated this through the look on my face because he sighed happily. “That’s what I thought,” he said, “Now come on out."

He held his hand out to help me step out of the cage. I didn’t take it, instead I climbed down on my own as they all moved and placed Pat gently on the floor of the cage.

“Now guys we have to be careful, we need to make sure he can sit at the table later tonight,” my Da said as I felt someone grab my hips from behind and I tensed. I wasn’t even sure who it was but I’m not sure it matters still to this day.

“Can we string him up?” Hank said from somewhere behind me.

“Not tonight,” said another voice. A voice that I had heard referring to my brother as a piece of fruit last time it spoke, “I think we should show him what love is,” he said as I felt a finger trail down the side of my face starting at my ear and stopping on the side of my neck near my collar bone.

I swallowed. If I didn’t do this, I knew they would do it to James or one of my other brothers. I was beyond scared and beyond tired but I knew I had to hold it together at least enough to get out of the room and into the other red room. Someone started rubbing my shoulders and collar bone from behind me for some reason this action terrified me to the point where I felt myself stop breathing.

“I have an idea, a little tough love but, he’ll be able to wake up in the morning,” My Da said staring into my eyes sending a cold chill deep into my soul. Whatever he was talking about it didn’t sound like it was something I wanted nor would I enjoy.

“Doubles?” The leader asked licking the same path his finger had just traced down my neck making me flinch.

“I was thinking so,” My Da said still not taking his eyes off my eyes, “he’s never done it before so it should be interesting,” he smiled lightly, “I was figuring me and you because he’ll bleed less even though even though it won’t be as hard sitting down after we’re done then if it were Hank and I.”

“Damn,” Hank hissed behind me as if he were missing out on something exciting.

“You’ll get another chance to double him later Hank, I’m sure,” The leader said in response and then he was silent for a moment then he came around to stand in front of me next to my Da, “I want a tape,” he said looking at him.

“Yes, sir,” My Da said, “Hank can you set it up in the other room?” My Da asked Hank.

“Oh yeah,” he grinned at me smacking my ass lightly as he walked away. I was no longer being held in place but felt like I was frozen so still didn’t move. I had no idea what doubles meant but I knew I was going to find out very soon. I took a deep breath to steady my voice before I spoke,

“Da? Can I use the D word?” I hesitated saying it.

“No,” My Da shook his head coming up and grabbing me gently by the shoulders rubbing them as if he were trying to massage the tension out of them, “I wouldn’t if I were you unless you want your name in the bowl, in fact it’s probably best not to speak at all until we’re done,” he said.

I nodded my head letting him know I understood. “Good,” he said still rubbing my shoulders, “Sir do you want to sandwich or do the other position?” he asked the Leader.

“I like being a part of a sandwich,” He answered, “You can be the bottom slice of bread if you prefer Connor.”

My Da looked tensely into my face, “I’d like that I think,” he answered. He then grabbed me roughly by the neck sticking his tongue into my mouth and kissing me aggressively to the point where I could do nothing but kiss back no matter how much it made my stomach churn.

The leader went back behind me and grabbed me tightly holding onto my hips grinding against me from behind and biting into the top of my shoulder blade. I could feel what felt like a sharp shock go through my body as I grabbed my Da by the shoulders just so I had something to hold onto as my whole body stiffened even more and I started choking on my Da’s tongue. After a minute my Da pulled away his hands still on my shoulders.

“Relax,” he said looking into my eyes, “You’ll like it I promise, it might hurt a little at first but, you’ll really enjoy it,” he said leaning in to kiss my cheek as the Leader inserted a finger into my asshole making me jump and gasp in surprise.

The leader laughed lightly into my shoulder sending a tickle across my skin making me tense even more. “Relax, it’ll feel good I promise,” My Da said starting to kiss my neck on the opposite side of the leader just as Hank walked back into the room.

“Damn guys, you’re making me jealous here,” he said folding his arms across his chest as he licked his lips and stared.

“Oh Hank please, you’ll get another chance after dinner tomorrow,” The leader said detaching himself from me, “Is everything set up?”

“Yeah,” Hank replied, “Everything is ready, plenty of protection and lube included."

“Good, let’s go before we have to restart,” the leader said tapping my Da on the shoulder who grabbed me by the wrist and started leading me from the room.

I didn’t fight it. I knew if I did they might just do it in the room in front of the guys locked in the cage and I couldn’t bear the thought of them watching whatever was about to happen. So, I swallowed and allowed them to lead me into the other room. When we entered Arthur already had a camera in his hand pointed at us and my Da and the leader jumped on me again and started kissing me on my shoulders and back and chest and I could feel my breath catching as the neurons in my skin started firing rapidly causing my skin to tingle while Arthur came close sticking the camera in my face.

I could feel my cheeks turning red as I tried to hold it together and the leader started moving us slowly towards the bed. The leader came around front as my Da ducked away from a couple of minutes sticking his tongue in my mouth his hand caressing my lower stomach almost touching my penis but not quite as I exhaled deeply trying to keep myself breathing. He broke our kiss for a couple of minutes, his hands moving to envelope my ass as he breathed into my ear, “feels good yeah? God you’re still so soft, I like soft. Reminds me of being young you’re not female but not quiet men yet, beautiful,” he breathed barely above a whisper as he licked my neck and I clenched my teeth and snapped my eyes shut trying to keep myself from making a sound because my Da had told me not to speak if I could help it.

Arthur laughed and this almost made me jump my eyes snapping back open, “Nervous huh?” Arthur said pointing the camera directly in my face.

“He’ll be fine,” My Da said as my eyes glanced over to him and noticed him on the bed stroking himself, “I’m ready if you are sir,” he said.

“Yes,” the leader smirked turning me so my back was to my Da and backing me up towards the bed, “Now how do we want to do this, facing me or facing you?” he asked my Da.

“Facing me, I think it might help him corporate a little better,” my Da answered.

“Ok,” the leader said turning me around so he was behind me, “Ok I’m going to walk you through this kid now straddle your dad,” he said and I felt the color drain my face and my mouth open in a silent scream as I started to shake my head.

“JOHN!” My Da shouted at me getting my attention, “Don’t speak, don’t,” he said putting a finger up against his lips signaling for me to stay silent, “Now straddle me like I do you,” he said pulling me slowly forward by my uncasted arm as the leader helped me climb over top of him and I wobbled forward on my knees above him until they stopped pushing and pulling me forward, “ok baby now very slowly, come down like you’re going to sit on your knees,” he said as I numbly did as I was told and then I felt it, he entered me from underneath with the help of the leader guiding my Da’s penis inside of me I shuddered and I could feel tears coming up in my eyes.

What was the point of this? I wanted to know, I had never been on top before even though I had an idea that it was possible to do because I wasn’t stupid. But this didn’t feel right and with the leader behind me I was super nervous, my Da pulled on me lightly so I was leaning more of my weight on him as he finally entered all the way and he pulled me down to kiss him deeply, “that’s it baby,” he said as I stayed there as still as I possibly could and then I felt the leader slowly climbing on top of me. My Da must have seen on my face that I was about to scream because he reached up and cupped a hand over my mouth as the Leader slid in without my Da pulling out.

“No noise,” he said, “You don’t want your name in the bowl, be good baby come on, it will only hurt for a minute” he cooed.

They both waited a minute and then I couldn’t tell who it was but one of them started thrusting and oh my fucking god did it hurt. I felt like I was being electrocuted all my nerves firing at once. My body felt like it was being ripped apart from the inside out starting at my ass and going upward. When they hit against my prostate my body twitched because it was mixing up signals so badly I felt like was about to have a seizure.

“God yes,” the leader whispered into the back of my neck somewhere as someone thrusted deeper my whole-body stiffening. My Da moaned in agreement and the movement the continued around me and inside me even though I was beyond stiff and trying not to move at all. At one point the licking and sucking of my shoulder stopped and he spoke over me to my Da “is he ok?” the leader asked him about me.

“I can’t really tell,” My Da said his arms wrapped around my upper torso to hold me steady, “He’s not really breathing, I think you might be putting too much weight on him sir,” he replied to him.

“I’m almost done, god he’s so fucking tight,” the leader moaned grabbing my hips and bucking harder sending a really weird sensation through my body that made me almost collapse on top of my Da who held me tighter as the leader climaxed and I let out a small squeal despite my best efforts.

The leader barely waited for himself to finished before he shifted his weight so that he was no longer leaning his body weight on me even though him moving didn’t help, I still felt like I couldn’t breath and at the time I didn’t realize it but I felt like I couldn’t breathe because I wasn’t breathing at all. My Da shifted and this caused him to slide out and he then lowered me over beside him on the bed, “I need his inhaler,” My Da said as Hank handed it to him and he gave it to me, “Come on baby that’s wasn’t bad, you did really good,” he said as he helped administer the medication to me and I started to take small shallow breaths.

“There you go, just give it a minute or two huh?” he said rubbing my chest lightly lying next to me.

At first I thought that was going to be the end of it but then his hand started going lower, and lowering and then the leader climbed back on the bed. I squeezed my eyes closed and all I could think was “oh fuck no,” because I knew exactly what was about to happen when…yep. I felt a hand help my penis into the leaders mouth and I nearly yelped again as my Da held me in a very tight embrace to keep me from squirming away.

“You’re doing really good baby, do for him what you do for me,” he whispered in my ear as the leader blew me and I could feel my stomach starting to turn like I was going to be sick.

I couldn’t do this. I…. oh, geese I felt myself starting to climax and the tears I was fighting so hard to keep away start falling down my face, “shh… you’re ok you know it feels good,” My Da whispered kissing my neck roughly as I clung to him my nails digging hard into his shoulders and he laughed lightly at this “getting a little rough huh? It’s ok baby just let it happen. Don’t be upset about it I’m not, just cum for him,” he said in-between nibbles and kisses his one hand holding me steady around the upper torso still to keep me from squirming too much the other in my hair.

My breathing started getting labored again and I could feel the tears running down my cheeks as my whole body started burning and I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from sobbing out loud. “You know you like it, just let it happen baby, it will feel so good just let it happen, it’s not cheating if I’m right here I promise,” he said as my whole body started shaking with the effort of trying not to submit to their wills.

At some point, I couldn’t fight it anymore and I came, I came hard my whole-body shuddering like it was having a fit and I felt like the leader thought my dick was a water bottle and he was dying from thirst as I finally let go because he started sucking harder as if he were trying to milk every drop of seamen he could out of me. If I had any breath by that point left I would have screamed because he started to suck so hard it was hurting.

I must have been digging my nails hard into my Da’s shoulders by that point because I remember him saying “Ok, I think he’s done, Arthur, Hank cut the cameras please, I think he’s about to take a chunk out of my shoulder,” and then the Leader stopped what he was doing and got up leaving the room and going into the bathroom while Hank started coming towards me and my Da.

“Please,” I said digging into my Da’s shoulder harder and not even on purpose.

“Ok baby, ok,” My Da said slowly reaching up and gently unhooking my nails from his skin, “You’re ok, it’s ok,” he said trying to sooth me and failing at it horribly because him just touching my hands to get me to let go of him made my skin crawl.

Hank backed up to give me some space. I don’t think he did it to be nice to me but more did it because my Da might have shot him a look over my shoulder or because he didn’t want me to flip out, “I think we got some good stuff,” Hank said to my Da.

“Good,” My Da replied to him slowly unhooking my other hand from his shoulder blade, “I think his cast did worse damage than his fingers on this side,” he chuckled to Hank and started massaging my fingers then looked at me. “You’re ok John,” he said kissing my other hand lightly as I shook my head, “No, John your fine baby, I’m not mad that he made you cum that hard, I’ll just have to learn something I guess? Don’t think I’m angry with you at all because I’m not ok? You did really good,” he said and I felt my stomach lurch.

He thought I was upset because I felt like I cheated on him? If anything, I felt sick to my stomach because of the way my body responded because I didn’t want to be touched and I felt ashamed that my body had given them what they were hoping it would. To know I could do that and do that for someone that I didn’t even want touching me. I tried to push away from my Da and sit up and he pushed me back down holding me to the bed by my wrists using his body weight leaning over me half way my breath caught in my chest by the sudden movement and I stared at him wide-eyed for a couple minutes as he looked straight back into mine. I swallowed hard.

Hank laughed from somewhere beside me, “Now that might be nice to get on camera, Connor you look like you’re about to eat him and murder him all at once,” Hank said laughing harder apparently not able to control himself, “And he looks like he’s about to piss himself.”

“Hank shut up!” My Da said, I could tell by looking at him that his mood was sour and I didn’t want to anger him anymore then he already was, “No fighting, I didn’t say you could get up, did I?” he asked me in more of a hiss then a whisper.

I shook my head in reply.

“Are you going to try to get up again before I tell you, you can?” he asked me his grip starting to loosen.

I saw my uncle Ben in his eyes for sure. I didn’t know my Da could be that angry that violent and that’s why I thought he depended on Hank and the others to “punish” me because he couldn’t bring himself to do it. To be purposefully and calculatingly violent like Uncle Ben could but in that moment, I knew I wrong. I shook my head in reply again.

“Good,” he sighed seeming satisfied with my answer, “Arthur can you get him back to the other room?” My Da directed at Arthur who rushed forward from somewhere in the room and grabbed me by the elbow forcing me off the bed quickly.

I was so numb I didn’t even feel like I was walking but maybe floating. Between rooms Arthur forced me to make out, hot and heavy to the point where I couldn’t breath and then he broke it apart and opened the door to the other room locking the door behind him and unlocking the cage that I climbed into and curled into a ball near the door of it while he locked it up again behind me. No one moved until Arthur had left the room then I saw Pat open one eye to look at me and Cole opened both eyes and sat up.

“Are you ok?” Cole asked me.

I don’t remember answering but staring blankly at nothing past his ear folding my knees tighter into my chest. I felt completely broken again just as I had two days before after they had whipped and raped me and now I had more bruises and bite marks and fried nerve endings on top of what that night had caused.

“John?” Pat whispered staring at me with his one open eye.

I shook my head lightly, “I so need a drink,” I muttered.

“Yeah,” Pat replied.

“How are we supposed to get through this dinner?” I sighed into my knees, thinking of that night when we were supposed to sit around the table with my siblings and mum along with our rapist and how we were probably supposed to come and do what we were doing right now after, get raped and then stuffed in a cage like items being stuffed into a closet or drawer, things that had no feelings.

“We get wasted enough to not think but make it look like we’re still normal and then just manage to keep it together,” Pat said, “Things will be normal after school starts again.” He added.

“Normal how Pat?” I asked, “Other than the extra guests I’m “entertaining” this is pretty normal for me.”

“You spend a lot of time down here?” Cole asked.

“Now I do before mum got home it was in the bedroom with him,” I more mumbled into my knees then to them.

Pat nodded his head as if to communicate his understanding but Cole spoke, “Your dad’s one of those?” he asked.

“What do you mean?” I questioned.

“It’s like every night more or less without fail that he…” Cole trailed off.

I nodded my head. I didn’t want to say it. My skin still crawling from what had just happened. I didn’t want to think of my relationship with him like that. As a sexual one but, it was whether it was consensual or not. That’s what I meant to him was another hole, another person to stick it in and I knew that. James moved in his sleep and whined a little so I moved close to him, hugging him tightly to my chest in his blanket burrito.

“We should try to get some sleep,” I said, “They’ll wake us up shortly to find some PJ’s or something so we can open presents with the rest of the kids.”

“You’re right,” Cole sighed, “Let’s try to sleep,” he said rolling over his back against Pat’s.

I don’t remember struggling to fall asleep in that early morning darkness in the basement huddled naked in a cage with my baby brother and these strangers who had quickly become my friends. I remember feeling sick to my stomach before I fell asleep because my skin wouldn’t stop tingling and I remember thinking if only I had something to numb it, make it stop would things be easier, thinking would be easier, everything would be easier.


	12. 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John gets to know Pat and Cole. More bad stuff happens obviously that's the point. John has a lot of anxiety and worry about this (I think anyone would). However, he does end up opening up a little letting some feelings out. Even though he does say some stuff he regrets.There are interesting things that happen. Warning: Underage drinking, smoking, drug use, some fighting, obviously lots of non-con, rape, forced kissing, suicidal thoughts, and there's some restraining (there is a sex swing) ponorgraphy production. Lots of dialogue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again I don't condone any of the stuff in this story. I don't believe anyone should ever have to go through anything like this but it happens. If you know someone or suspect someone is in this type of situation get them help. If you might find this triggering please don't read this I promise happy things do eventually happen. Btw I don't know if those are real email addresses and don't know those people if they are. And huh this is not betad if you see some really bad spelling or grammar problems please let me know and I will fix it.

At around five we were roused from our sleep and the cage was opened. PJ’s were passed around James and I got some fresh for the laundry room while Cole and Pat got there’s handed to them from their bags. We were told we could shower after presents were opened and to get dressed quickly so we could make it look like we had just gotten up and down into the family room first, make it look like we were waiting for everyone else to rise from their slumber.

We were told we could shower after in our respective bathrooms. So we clambered out of the cage and got our clothes on and then wobbled/walked upstairs and sat down on the couch in the family room, James turning on the TV to a Charlie Brown Christmas special because that was what was on at the time. It wasn’t long before other little faces started to file downstairs one by one with Mike and Matt coming down somewhere near the end each with a toddler while Will brought down Malachy and mum rounded out the group by bring down Mary and Seamus one in each arm.

She smiled at us brightly, “Merry Christmas” she said, “You boys are up early.”

“Yeah,” I sighed rubbing my temples, “Couldn’t sleep anymore even though I’m really tired so thought I would go bother some friends,” I said looking at Pat and Cole.

Pat yawned dramatically, “I’m beat too,” he said smiling at my mom, “Merry Christmas Mrs. McGregor,” he added.

“At least you made an effort, your dad’s don’t want to come down at all, suppose they were up all night partying and doing “guy stuff,” she said setting Mary and Seamus down in the play pin, “We’ll just open presents without them shall we?” she smiled at us.

“Those as…” Pat started to say as Cole pinched him in the side stopping him from swearing, “. sorted instruments,” Pat finished rubbing his arm lightly and giving Cole a slightly dirty look.

“That sounds fine to me,” Cole added smiling as my mom frowned at them in confusion.

We all opened presents the younger kids besides James showing a lot more interest in the tradition then any of the three of us. However, about half way through the Leader came downstairs and that made the process even more awkward just the sight of him making the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and making me nauseous to my stomach. After everything was said and done I can’t even remember what I received that Christmas to be perfectly honest however I’m sure clothing was involved because it always was and afterward I helped mum get everyone back upstairs to play with their new toys and things while I ended up taking an after presents nap swallowing as much vodka as I could manage once I got into my room.

I think I woke up around two or three that afternoon to a racket outside my bedroom door and a crying toddler, I stumbled out of bed and took another swig of my special stash before shoving it back under the bed cap tight and opening my bedroom door to look upon the chaos that had disturbed me. Toys, toys, toys. They were everywhere and there was an outdoor toy car in the middle of the hallway making it look more like a highway accident then a toddler’s toy sprawled across the hallway and there was Andy looking at it and crying as if someone had just stomped on his puppy.

“Andy what’s wrong?” I asked him worried he was hurt.

“Will is mean. I can’t play in it no more,” he said through a nose full of snort and little fat tears running down his baby face.

“Will said you can’t play with it anymore?” I asked to clarify.

“Yeah, he means,” he answered back.

“Well, I think Will isn’t saying that to be mean, he doesn’t want you to get hurt,” I said picking him up as his tiny little arms reached up for me in want.

“But I want to,” he said, stating what was a very obvious fact to me.

“Yeah but, see how it’s fallen over? That could happen with you in it and you’d get a super bad owwie. We don’t want that, we love you and Mummy would be so sad if you got hurt,” I said.

“Oh I don’t like sad Mummy,” he replied his tears drying.

“Me neither,” I said “So let’s be extra good and not play with the car in the house so mummy doesn’t get sad about it ok?” I said.

“Ok,” he said nodding his head in agreement, “Can I play with other car I got?” he asked me.

“Sure,” I replied putting him downing figuring he meant one of the small fisher price cars he had also received that morning.

Just then Will came down the hallway and looked at me, “You ok?” he asked knowing very well what some of last night probably consisted of.

I shrugged, “I’ll live with myself,” I answered not really feeling buzzed but not feeling sober either.

He walked closer, standing on the balls of his feet to look into my eyes, “Yeah, you should stop that,” he said as I backed away from his stare and he became flat footed once again.

“What?” I asked.

“You know what,” he said shaking his head, “It’s bad and you know it.”

“Yeah while we can’t all shove our heads in books and be ok Will,” I said with a little more edge in my voice then I’d meant to announce, I cleared my throat, “sorry,” I apologized sheepishly.

“Yeah,” he said turning away from me and walking away down the hallway, “Snacks in the upstairs kitchen,” he added without turning around.

I could sense his anger and he was really fucking angry and yet I didn’t care. I had my own problems to worry about like how I was going to manage to get through dinner sitting at a table with all of my rapist minus maybe one or two. I had a feeling too that dinner wouldn’t be the end of it and I didn’t know how on earth I was going to survive that other than to tell myself to keep breathing. I knew he was just angry because he was worried and yet that didn’t really matter to me, I was too trapped in my own head to reassure him that I was ok that things would end up fine and I was too freaked to really hold a decent conversation with anyone that day.

I went back to my room and drank some more making sure I was just barely buzzed and fell back to sleep. Sometime later mom woke me up and told me to dress for dinner which I did reluctantly and I almost made a snide remark about how I might as well go to the table naked because that’s exactly how I would end up shortly after dinner was finished but I managed to bite it back at the very last second realizing how much trouble it would have caused no just myself but her as well if she were aware of the situation that was playing out in front of her. When I finally brought Malachy down and got him set up in his highchair all of the seats at the table were taken besides the one next to Hank for course. To make matters worse the moment I sat down his hand found its way to the inside of my knee under the table. I gasped audibly or I must have because everyone looked at me.

“Are you ok?” My mum asked me worriedly. I faked a cough, “Yeah just need a drink,” I said and then almost laughed at myself because god damn did I need a drink.

“So,” My mum said turning to the leader, “Why are you moving your company down here? You seem to very successful in New York?” she said making small talk.

“I’m not moving the company down here Mrs. McGregor I’m starting a branch down here which your husband will manage. I mean this is a lovely place no doubt and the commute isn’t bad but I have to admit that the jet lag does get to me after a while I have a good number of contacts here so it only makes sense to open up a branch here.” He smiled, “And your husband as the skills I require in fact he was recommended to me by one of my clients that lives here, I manage their hedge fund for them,” he said.

“So you don’t plan to take my husband away?” She joked with him.

“Oh not at all, I mean there might be a trip or two to New York in his future and I might have one of the company pent houses up in your name for when he does come but most of the time I’ll be making trips here to see what’s going on but your husband,” he said lifting his wine glass in my Da’s direction, “Will be my eyes and ears here in Florida,” he said.

“A pent house?” My mum said quizzically, “I don’t think there’s any need for that.”

“Oh nonsense,” Mr. Lord replied, “I want to make sure my top guys are well taken care of and have all the comforts of home that I can offer them when they travel, I mean that little Pent house won’t fit your whole family but, it’s just something small for when he has to be up there more than a day. I myself have a vacation home here but being on my own now that my wife has passed I usually rent it out to other vacationers when I’m not in town.” He said.

“Well of course that only makes sense,” she said, “Gable can you vouch for my husband’s new boss and keep him out of trouble when he’s not with me?” She asked Arthur.

“I think your husband keeps me out of trouble personally,” Arthur chuckled lightly.

“You?” my mom smiled, “But you’re such a gentleman."

Cole started choking into is glass at that and I caught Pat rolling his eyes in the corner of my sight. I loved my mum but good god she was being such an ass kisser for some odd reason. I don’t know if it was her way of trying to keep the tide steady or what but it was beyond annoying and here I was being groped under the table trying my fucking hardest to keep a straight face as just then Hank’s handmade it’s way uncomfortably close to my crotch and that caused me to jump and knock over my glass.

“Are you ok?” Matt and Mike asked me unison.

“I- I thought I saw a bug,” I murmured, “Sorry.”

Will eyed me knowingly, “Yeah it’s a bug all right.” He snorted.

I could tell he was still really pissed at me. “And what’s that supposed to mean?” My mum shot at Will angrily, “I don’t know what’s wrong with you two but hash it out later, this is not the time or place,” she said sternly.

“Sorry mum,” Will said.

“Sorry,” I mumbled.

“Boys,” she said shaking her head, “Do you have nearly as much trouble with your boys Arthur, Hank?” she asked causing Pat and Cole to stop eating mid chew and look in her direction.

“I don’t know, I mean boys will be boys,” Arthur smiled slightly.

“Girls are much easier,” Hank replied, “I had a lot easier time with Karen when she was this age then I’m having with him. I’m hoping with time it will pass all those hormones you know?” he laughed slightly and I could tell Pat was clenching his teeth behind his very obviously fake smile.

“Well that’s something to look forward to however if I remember my youth I gave my parents a hard time around about 16 or so,” she said.

“Didn’t we all though?” Mr. Lord laughed, “Even in my day which I am slightly older then all of you fine folk here and practically ancient compared to these kids we gave our parents a hard time,” he said eating a piece of turkey.

“Probably literally,” Pat said while Cole made a lude gesture using his fist and the side of his mouth which I don’t think my mum noticed but made both Will and I cover our mouths to keep from laughing and earned everyone very nasty looks from my Da.

My mom coughed lightly at Pat’s comment meaning she caught that one and then sighed and took a drink, “So is everyone spending the night again?” My mum asked my Da.

“Yeah I think so, I think everyone is going to leave sometime early in the morning,” he said.

“Yes, that’s my plan for sure,” Mr. Lord said, “I have to go back home and there is nothing like New York at Christmas, maybe you two could stop and visit join me for the New year what do you say Danielle?” he asked my mum.

“Well, that’s very generous but, I do have many little people that tend to go just about everywhere with me,” she said.

“You know you could, it’s only a three-hour commute and I could lend you my private Jet. You would be gone a total of 8 hours maybe. Most of the little ones would be in bed and I’m sure you could get someone to sit,” he said, “I would show you a wonderful night you and your husband both, if I don’t steal you that is.” He smiled taking a sip of his wine.

“I’ll see if I can talk her into it,” My Da said smiling at my mum, “She does need a night off,” he added.

“You all gave me the night off last night remember?” she asked them.

“Yes, but a night away from home where you’re not in bed just you and I might be nice for a change,” My Da said.

“That’s the spirit Connor, find your old spark? Put some of the flame back in your love life? It’s settled!” Mr. Lord said, “You two can take my Jet to the city for New Years, enjoy some private time together on the town and then we’ll meet up to ring in the new year?” he said.

“Oh all right,” My mom said blushing slightly, “just this once though and home before the babies wake up?” she said, “Speaking of I have to feed a couple,” she added getting up from the table and heading into the kitchen, “Don’t hurry on my account everyone.”

“No, no rush, I’m stuffed however,” Mr. Lord said, “Wonderful meal thank you, you are wonderful hostess,” he added to my mum.

“Me too,” Hank added finally removing his hand from my leg and I stood up quickly and started to gather plates from the table.

“Oh honey you don’t have to do that,” my mum said to me and smiled.

“Your moms right why don’t you all go upstairs and hang out, I’ll help mom with the dishes ok?” My Da said taking the plates from me giving me this weird look that almost made me visibly shudder.

Why was everyone angry with me or worse wanted to hurt me. I just nodded in agreement and allowed him to take the plates and turned to mum, “Mum do you need help feeding them?” I asked.

“No, John it’s ok honey go hang out with your friends,” she smiled at me as she started spooning baby food into Malachy’s mouth.

“Ok,” I said and shrugged going to the doorway where Pat was waiting for me once we were out of ear shot he sighed loudly.

“That was cruel and unusual,” he said.

“Yeah, he wouldn’t let go of my leg,” I said.

“Who? My dad?” Pat answered his own question, “He was giving you I wanna fuck you right here eyes like terribly, man my stomach was churning just watching it.”

“How do you deal with him?” I asked Pat.

“I’m getting too old that and I don’t have his favorite physical characteristic so he doesn’t bother me too much unless it’s to beat the shit out of me or have me make a movie,” he replied and I unconsciously touched my hair.

“Yeah that would be the physical characteristic he likes,” he shrugged.

“Do you know why?” I asked him.

“You mean why he has a thing for red heads? No fucking clue,” Pat sighed, “You just have really bad luck my friend,” he said clapping me on the shoulder, “Should we get you pissed so you don’t have to remember what’s about to happen?” he asked me just as Matt came up behind us.

“What’s…” he interrupted us and then you could see understanding dawning on his face, “Why aren’t you telling mum?”

Pat sighed, “Matt right?”

Matt nodded confirmation, “Ok Matt, if you’re mum knew she wouldn’t be very happy I’m pretty sure and then she would get angry and I know if your dad is anything like mine he would get angry back and I’m assuming your Dad is not exactly a calm man. So I’m assuming he would probably hit her or hurt her some other way. So John is protecting your mum by not saying anything. You shouldn’t say anything either got it?”

“It’s not my place to say anyway, he’s not doing it to me,” Matt said, “It’s still stupid though you realize that? Mum wants to keep us safe.”

“And you haven’t noticed she can’t?” I asked Matt.

“She tries, she might be better able to if you told her what was going on,” he said.

“Matt, she can’t handle it,” I said.

“What do you mean she can’t handle it? She’s mum she would do anything to protect us,” he said starting to seem frustrated.

Just then Will came out from somewhere, “Can I tell him?” he asked me.

“Tell him what?” I asked confused.

“About why mum was hiding for a couple of days?” Will asked.

“You mean while Karen was watching us and John was in the hospital?” Matt asked.

“I’d prefer you didn’t,” I said and I must have given Will a dead serious look because Will glared at me.

“He needs it explained, don’t you think he deserves to know why he can’t tell her and we won’t?” Will asked me.

“What’s up?” Pat asked completely confused.

“Mum locked herself in a guest bedroom last week for about 3 days because…” I cut Will off.

“Will don’t you dare!” I nearly shouted but he finished anyway.

“Da showed her a tape, of him with John…” he trailed off.

I could feel my face turning red and I wasn’t sure if it was because of anger or shame and everyone else had their eyes on me staring at me in shocked silence, “Will…” I said measuredly trying to keep myself calm.

“He deserved to know, one day Da might show mum a video of him, you don’t know,” He said like that gave Matt a right to know about it.

Just then Cole came down the hallway and apparently saw something in my face because he touched Matt’s shoulder gently. “Hey, Will and Matt, want to take me upstairs and play Mario bros with me?” he asked trying to diffuse the situation.

“You want to throw my shit around Will? I could tell him some shit too want to see?” I hissed.

Pat coughed, “Come on guys, cool it. John let’s go upstairs and hang, we’ll chill away from the kids all right?” he said trying to get my attention.

“So I’m a kid now?” Will asked.

“Dude that’s not what I meant, I don’t need to watch you two fight out whatever this is. He’s your brother he’s not your enemy and I’m sorry but yeah you’re 11 you’re a kid ok? You have no idea what it’s like to be the older brother…” Will got really angry at that.

“Excuse me? I have 10 siblings in this house younger than I am you know who is taking care of everyone when John is doing whatever it is he’s doing and mum can’t get out of bed? Me! Yeah little 11-year-old me so shut up you don’t know anything and coming here and pretending you do because you’re older doesn’t make you look smart it just makes you look stupid,” Will said.

“Matt, Pat why don’t we go upstairs and leave these two to talk some stuff out because I don’t see us helping this situation any,” Cole said.

“He just got up in my face you think I’m going to walk away?” Pat asked Cole.

“Dude, he’s 11 he’s not mad at you I think you need to be the bigger man here and we need to walk away come on,” Cole said and Matt allowed Cole to grab his hand and he headed towards the stairs. “Come on Pat.”

“Yeah all right,” Pat growled looking at my little brother, “You’re lucky I can control my temper unlike other people.” He said and turned to follow Cole.

“Will,” I said “second floor guest room, let’s go, now.” I said trying very hard to keep the anger from my voice.

“And why on earth would I do that?” he asked me frowning folding his hands in front of him.

“So mum doesn’t hear all of the horrible things I’m trying really fucking hard not to say to you right now,” I said through clenched teeth, “Upstairs now.”

“Whatever,” he said stomping forward up the stairs behind everyone else but we didn’t turn the corner in the hall and instead he went into one of the guest bedrooms and I followed him in shutting the door behind me and hitting the light switch.

“What?” he huffed.

“I don’t tell people your shit do I? You know how fucking…” I shook my head, “Not cool. And why the fuck is you so angry with me lately?”

“Oh geese I don’t know John maybe it’s because mum is too busy breaking down because of you to do anything like take care of her other kids? Maybe I’m beyond tired? Did you ever think of that? Maybe I’m tired of changing diapers and covering for you because you’re too drunk to function? You’re drunk like all the time you’re barely sober right now you think I can’t tell?” he said rapidly in a fury of emotion.

“You’re tired? And you don’t think I’m tired maybe? You don’t think I’m tired of feeling like I want to peel the skin off my body or I’m tired of having people touch me and do things to me that they shouldn’t be doing and I don’t want them to do? You don’t think I’m tired of mum not being able to hold it together? You saw what he does, two weeks ago you were right there remember?” I said.

“So that gives you a right to check out while mum breaks down?” he asked me.

“God damnit Will, I’m not checking out because I don’t care don’t you get it? I’m checking out because…” Faltered in what I was saying the words getting caught in my throat. Saying it out loud made the feelings I was fighting real. It brought attention to them in a way that I didn’t want to draw attention, “I’m having trouble ok? If I drink I might not be as helpful as you need me to be but at least I can be there at least I can do somethings some of the time instead of nothing all of the time do you understand?”

“No,” Will said, “Explain it to me.”

I sighed, “I don’t have to think about it when I’m drunk. It makes things easier I don’t feel it as much; I don’t remember it as well. I can actually stand myself when I’m slightly pissed ok? I’m sorry but I can’t not drink.” I answered.

“You act like you’re the only one he hurts,” Will said.

“I know I’m not,” I answered, “I try to do everything I can to make sure it’s mostly me and it’s still not enough ok Will? I know that and you know how fucking worthless that makes me? That I can’t even get him to leave you guys alone?” I said and I could feel the tears forming in my eyes so I closed them and shook my head.

Will sighed, “You’re not worthless John. You can’t be the hero here ok? I’m just asking you to be sober enough to get up before noon and help me change some diapers that would be a lot more helpful to me then what you have been doing and I personally think it might help you out a bit too. Maybe you won’t feel like you have to drink so much if you try that.”

I shook my head, “I’m going to still try to keep him away from everyone ok? You may not think that’s helpful you may not view it that way but if he’s hurting me if he’s with me it means he’s not with someone else. I’m not sure how to explain…” I shook my head trying to find the right words, “Knowing that he’s not hurting someone else gives me peace of mind because then I know at least for however long I’m in that room with him and Uncle Ben is not here that everyone else is safe, that everyone else is ok even if I’m not.”

“This isn’t fair,” Will muttered, “I’m sorry I know you’re not the bad guy I didn’t mean to throw that out there in front of those guys. Really I am I’m just super tired and angry because this isn’t fair.”

“Life isn’t a book Will and sometimes even in books the good guys don’t win,” I said.

“I know. I just feel like I’m losing so badly right now, that all of us are and I don’t know what to do.” Will said. “Just take care of them ok? I’ll try to help more for real but I’m trying to help in the most productive way I can.” I answered. “Slowly killing yourself isn’t going to help them or me. Stop drinking please John,” Will implored.

“If I do that I might go from slowly killing myself to …” I trailed off not wanting to give weight to the thought.

I didn’t want him to worry anymore then he already was. He didn’t need to know that I was such a screw up and so worthless that I would be better off dead and I knew it. The only thing that was keeping me going at that point was my drinking I thought I was at the end of my rope I was always tired, always sore, always angry and usually at least buzzed if not drunk.

“Does mum know you feel that way?” Will asked me.

“I haven’t said it but yeah, I think she knows,” said quietly, “Please don’t mention it to anyone. I’m trying to work through it ok?”

“Maybe after this is over quit trying to play the hero and always throwing yourself in the line of fire. It might help you. You don’t have to do this alone I can handle it. Do I want to, no but I’m pretty sure you don’t want to either. Let me try to deal with him ok?” Will said looking at me sadly.

I sighed and thought about it silently for a moment. Could I really do that? Could I let my brother throw himself into the flames so to speak? I knew how making that choice made me feel could I allow him to feel that way about himself? I shook my head. I wasn’t sure I could allow him to hate himself that much and would much rather he hated me for whatever imagined indiscretions I committed against him by not letting him do that for me.

“I can’t promise that,” I replied, “I’ll think about it but I can’t promise it.”

Will stared at me in silence like he was really really intently trying to read me, “ok. Then think about it at least for real,” he said.

“I will,” I answered, “You done being angry with me?” I asked.

“Yes,” He answered, “Again John I’m sorry I told Matt and Pat, it wasn’t right,” Will apologized again.

“Apology accepted just please don’t do it again.” I said going to the door and as I put my hand on the handle he spoke.

“John?” he said timidly.

“Yeah?” I asked.

“You weren’t going to tell them about…” he stared at his feet and mumbled something I didn’t understand.

“What?” I asked.

He coughed and his cheeks flushed pink, “You weren’t really going to tell them about that one time that Da…” he trailed off.

“No. I was already mortified enough and saying that doesn’t just put you in the spot light you realize?” I said.

We both knew we were referring to the kiss and Da having sex with both of us at once because even though we didn’t do anything but make out it was as close as either one of us had been to anything like that and we were both acutely aware that in the brotherhood it was something that commonly happened between friends and brothers alike.

“I’m going upstairs,” I said, “You coming?”

“Yeah,” Will nodded his head, “You think mum’s almost on her way up?” he asked me as we got to the elevator and sure enough mum turned the corner with Hank Mum holding Mary and Seamus one in each Arm and Hank holding Malachy which made my heart drop into the pit of my stomach.

“Give him to me,” I said probably giving off a very hostile vibe because mum gave me a very confused look as I came towards Hank my hands extended to take Mac from him.

“That’s not very polite John,” My mum said to me.

“I don’t care mum, give him to me now,” I said looking at Hank as an evil smile crossed his face for just a moment before his expression went blank.

“Why? I’m not going to hurt him,” he said looking down at my out stretched hands.

“John quit being rude and say you’re sorry now,” My mum said.

I swallowed, “I’m sorry but I would like my brother can you please hand him to me?” I said trying to stay calm.

“Sure,” said Hank finally handing Mac to me and I could feel both Will and I collectily sigh with relief.

“Should I send Pat down?” My mum asked Hank.

“No, no just send him down to his room when you’re ready if I need to see him I’ll go up and get him,” he smiled at my mum, “Goodnight Danielle, good night little guy,” he added looking at Mac and patting the top of his red hair which made me pull away and hold Mac tighter and then he stepped away and mum shut the elevator doors with close button and typed in her code.

“Are you two ok?” she asked looking at Will who was now holding Mary carefully in his arms.

“Yeah mum, we’re fine,” Will answered for both of us.

We were quiet on the way up and just as the doors opened it looked like a light bulb in mum’s head and she gasped, “Hey John can you come to the nursery with me?” she asked.

“Yeah, I’ll help you put everyone to bed,” I replied as she motioned for Will to Hand Mary back and mum cradled her in one arm and Seamus in the other once again.

She didn’t speak again until we got into the nursey and I had shut the door behind us. “You said, now don’t get upset but, you said Da had friends that he let… hurt you?” she said cautiously.

I swallowed afraid of what she was getting at, “yeah,” I said quietly.

“Is Hank one of them?” she asked me.

My brain automatically had an “Oh fuck” moment. I didn’t want to lie to her but to tell her was just asking for a lot more problems than it really seemed worth. I took Mac over to the changing table and grabbed some PJ’s for him getting ready to change his diaper so I could avoid looking her in the face, “No,” I lied.

“You’re sure?” My mum asked. I must have been silent a moment too long because I could feel the change in the air.

“Yes, I’m sure,” I lied again.

“John…” she said measuredly, “Don’t lie for him. If that man hurt you and your Da let him I have a right to know. I have a right to be aware of exactly who is staying in my house.”

“You can’t let them know you know, you can’t,” I said trying to keep myself calm but noticing my hands were shaking.

“Ok, I won’t bring it up until they all leave but, I want you to stay up here. I might even make the other two sleep up here. I mean if he’ll do that to a kid that’s not his who knows what he’s doing to his son? That poor kid,” My mum sighed.

“Mum, for real don’t do anything pretend you don’t know please I’m begging you. They’ll think I told you,” I said finally managing to get Mac’s diaper on and putting his PJ’s on his legs slowly zipping them up a little at a time so I could get his arms in and then finishing the job rather easily.

“Ok, I want you to be careful though,” she said putting Mary down in her crib and giving her a kiss on the head Seamus had already been put in his and I did the same for Mac, “I’m going to go clean up and try not to completely lose it while I clean the kitchen,” she gave me a strained smile, “Wish me luck honey,” she said and then came over and hugged me.

“wow.” She said.

“What?” I asked her confused.

“You’re as tall I am now,” she said, “When did that happen?”

“I don’t know,” I said, “Good luck” I added as we left the nursey and she shut the door behind us.

“Can you do me a favor and make sure everyone is in bed by…”

“8:30?” I cut her off and she smiled, “I got it mum don’t worry.” I said as she turned towards the elevator and I went to my bedroom really quick and made sure I took a big swig from the stash and then went into the living room where Pat and Cole were still sitting with Matt while everyone was taking turns playing Mario bros.

Cole looked up from the screen, “You figure some stuff out with Will?” he asked.

“Yep,” I said coming into the room and sitting on the couch, “Where is he?”

“His room,” Pat answered, “He told me he was sorry. I said I was sorry we’re square. I didn’t mean to offend him you know?”

“I know,” I answered back simply, “Mikey Where Are Catty and James?” I asked.

“Will made them go to bed with Andy and Laura,” Mikey answered, “Shoot!” he yelled as Mario fell to his death on the screen.

“My turn!” Matt said happily taking the controller.

“Can I trust you two to be in bed when it’s time?” I asked them.

“Yeah,” Mike replied, “Will is going to make sure we’re in bed by then anyway if we don’t go so… you’re fine,” he sighed, “Why wanna go hang with your friends downstairs?”

“Not that we don’t enjoy the company,” Pat smiled, “But yeah it would be nice to have some older guy time if that’s all right with you two.”

“Go, go you’re going to make me die,” Matt said waving us away as Cole, Pat and I got up and started heading down the hallway.

After we were out of ear shot Cole looked at Pat and smiled, “Let’s get this boy lit!” he said excitedly.

“Did you just call me a boy?” I asked.

“Well, you’re not a girl are you?” Cole asked me jokingly.

“Obviously not,” I chuckled slightly, “Should I grab mine or not?” I asked.

“Nah we got plenty and I need a smoke,” Pat said.

“Good thing that room has a balcony,” Cole said, “Otherwise I think we might have been murdered when they came to get us for dinner.”

“Smoke what?” I asked.

“Cigarettes,” Pat answered, “I didn’t bring any weed,” he added as we got on the elevator.

We went down to their room and opened the doors to the balcony while Cole grabbed the bottle of Vodka from his bag and Pat grabbed a pack of ciggs from a drawer in the night stand, “Cole want one?” he asked as he handed one to Cole, “You?” he asked offering on to me.

“I’ve never done it,” I answered taking one slowly.

“for real?” Pat said and chuckled lightly, “Ok,” he lit his own, “What you do is just put it in the mouth, light it and then take a breath in. Don’t hold it but breathe it into your lungs and then just let it out like this,” he said putting his cigg back to his lips and inhaling the smoke and then breathing it out in a steady stream.

“Here put it in your mouth,” Cole said and I did as I was told and he then lit the end for me, “just like he did,” he said taking a drag on his own.

I cautiously took a breath in and it felt like I had just stuck my head near a fire pit and tried to breath in the smoke and I coughed while they laughed at me and handed me the bottle of Vodka so I took a drink. “Everyone coughs the first time,” Cole said to me.

“I didn’t,” Pat remarked.

“Yeah Pat? Well, you’re fuckin weird,” Cole said and Pat laughed taking another drag on his own.

I tried again this time not inhaling so hard. I sucked steady for a moment and then let the smoke sit in my mouth and tasted it before I inhaled this time. I let it back out in a slow and steady stream and only coughed slightly, “It’s not bad,” I said doing it again.

“Quick learner,” Pat smiled at me, “You’re a smart kid.” He commented.

“You’re not much older than I am you realize?” I replied.

“What of?” He asked.

“Quit calling me a kid,” I said, “I mean it’s not like I don’t have life experience I’ve been changing diapers and dealing with this shit since I was six or so.”

“You mean them?” he said taking another drag, “There’s more to life than that,” he said speaking while he blew his smoke out, “There’s parties, and girls and real sex and drugs and life…” he sighed sitting down in the chair next to the dresser while I sat on the foot of the bed.

“I know,” I said, “Just I’m not naïve is all.”

“I’m aware,” Pat replied, “You just seem young is all.”

Cole started laughing, “Really you think he’s young his personality reminds me of a grandpa.”

“What!” I said turning to look at Cole who passed me a weird little cup.

“That’s awesome,” Pat said rolling with laughter, “I’ll stop calling you kid I’ll call you gramps instead!”

I looked at Cole confused so he took the cup back and flicked his ashes into it and then handed it back, “You don’t think he seems mature?” Cole asked.

“Nah, he does just he seems young at the same time, sheltered maybe?” Pat commented reaching is hand out and taking the cup from me after I knocked my ashes into it as well.

“Why don’t you just call me John?” I suggested.

“Fair enough,” Pat said.

“You said real sex,” I remarked after a moment.

“Yeah, with girls you know? People your own age that you are actually fucking because you want to,” Pat answered.

“Not just girls,” Cole added.

“Cole you don’t count you fag,” Pat smirked and Cole shook his head at him.

“You asshole!” Cole laughed back.

“But seriously, you heard of it?” he asked me passing the cup back my way as he put his butt in it so I could put my ashes out and he took another out of his pack and lit that one and took another drag.

“Well, duh,” I said.

“You ever done it?” Pat raised an eyebrow at me.

I shook my head. And Pat smiled widely, “You’re missing something man,” he said.

“Really?” I asked, “It doesn’t seem like it,” I said taking my last drag before I put my cigg out in the cup and handed it to Cole.

“No, he’s right,” Cole added, “It’s different. It’s nice.” He said seriously.

“Yeah, right,” I said.

“No it’s like. It’s hard to explain,” Pat said, “But with the right person someone you want to it doesn’t feel bad it feels nice. That tight warmness surrounding your dick it’s intense but like in a good way. It feels different from well, a mouth or an ass.”

“Yeah different weird,” Cole said.

“Hey dude, don’t knock it just because you think it feels weird doesn’t mean it’s a bad weird,” Pat responded.

“I didn’t say bad weird I just said weird,” Cole replied and I took a drink from the bottle and handed it to Cole and he took a swig.

“You guys found girls that let you have sex with them?” I asked disbelieving.

“Yeah…,” Pat said as I passed him the ashes cup that Cole had just handed me when I gave him the bottle, “Is that hard to believe?”

“Well, no I guess not just I thought that wasn’t like… I thought we were…” Pat cut me off.

“Too young?” he said, “You would think but there are some men who do fucked up shit to their daughters too. You’d be surprised how many girls we know that have dad’s in the brotherhood but they don’t share their girls they keep the girls to themselves. But those girls want anyone else other than their dad so if you ask and they like you…” Pat shrugged.

“That easy really?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Cole said, “I’ve tried it,” he laughed slightly as he took another drink and passed me the bottle.

“Really you?” I asked after taking another drink.

“Fuck yeah,” Pat answered for him, “He’s slept with more girls then I have.” Pat laughed coughing because he choked on his own smoke.

“What? I thought you were gay,” I said to Cole.

“I am,” he said flipping Pat off and laughing while he did it, “It gets the feeling of…” he stopped, “Having sex with someone you’re choosing to makes you stop feeling them all over your body.” He answered.

“Does it really?” I asked seriously.

“Oh yeah,” Pat answered for him, “give me some of that,” he said reaching for the bottle in my hand.

“I can’t imagine,” I shook my head and sighed.

“It doesn’t work if you don’t really want to do it but are forcing yourself to,” Cole replied, “That’s why I’ve kind of slowed down a bit. Don’t do it if you’re not ready because that won’t help you. That will help you in the long run about as much as... well, Pat can you hand that back?” he asked gesturing towards the bottle in Pat’s hand.

Pat handed the bottle back to me and I handed it back to Cole. Who took a drink and then handed it back to me and I set it down beside me for a while, “I don’t think I could…” I trailed off.

“Have you ever been on top?” Pat asked.

“WHAT?!” I asked shocked that he would actually say something like that.

“geese well, this is a serious conversation,” Cole commented.

“I mean have they ever made you penetrate anyone?” Pat asked slowly, carefully.

“No,” I answered and shook my head.

“Well,” Pat said slowly, “It gives you some control and if you’re doing it because you’re not being forced sometimes it can be nice.” He said.

“Yeah really nice,” Cole agreed, “I mean you don’t have to be rough but just being able to control the motion is nice, it makes you feel powerful.”

“Have they let you control anything?” Pat asked me.

I just shook my head I could feel myself getting upset and I really didn’t want to be upset because I knew in a while we would be down in that basement again and I couldn’t bear the thought of it, “Can we talk about something else?” I asked.

“Yeah what music do you listen to?” Cole asked.

“Not a lot why?” I replied.

“Oh man, you just said that to the wrong person, he listens to everything under the sun,” Pat laughed.

For a while we talked about music but didn’t smoke or drink anything until someone mentioned it was getting late, “What time is it Pat do you have your watch?” Cole asked.

“Yeah,” Pat said looking at his watch “it’s…shit. John drink,” he said picking up the bottle and uncapping it shoving it at my face and I took a huge swig and tried to put it down.

“Nope, more, come on,” he said.

“I don’t usually drink shit this fast,” I said to him before taking a bigger swig, “What’s up?”

“Oh you want to get lit right now trust me it’s almost 11,” he said, “Keep drinking I’m going to go take care of myself, Cole you want any?” Pat asked heading towards the bathroom.

“What is it?” Cole asked.

“Why are you trying to get me so drunk?” I asked confused.

“We’re here to make movies,” Cole replied.

“They did that with me last night,” I asked confused.

“No why do you think they brought us personally John?” Pat asked me, “It’s tranqs, I think it’s Ativan,” he added at Cole.

“So they could switch kids,” I replied.

“Not exactly,” Cole said, “They want US,” he said gesturing between himself, Pat and I, “to make a movie.”

I felt my eyes get big and I took the biggest swig I could before I started to sputter and cough, “You’re kidding me,” I said, “Fuck.”

“Sure, I’ll take so…” Cole started to say but then we all went quiet because we had all heard it. The elevator opening and all of eyes went wide, “Did you cut it yet?” Cole asked Pat.

“No, here,” he said handing some pills to Cole and swallowing some himself dry.

“I’m not drunk enough for this,” I said.

“Yeah well you better get there really fucking quick,” Pat said to me making a face like he tasted something bitter, probably the pills he had just swallowed.

Just then they opened the door without knocking all four of them were standing there looking at us and my Da saw the bottle in my hand.

“Where did you get that? That’s not the brand we normally have and I told you no drinking John.” He asked taking the bottle from me.

“I think I know where he got it,” Arthur said eyeing Cole, “You’re not going to be happy Cole.”

“Did you drink too?” Hank said looking at Pat.

Pat shrugged, “Maybe.”

“If I know Cole he took something,” Arthur commented glaring at Cole making him fidget.

“What’d you guys take?” Hank asked Pat approaching him. “Paddy I asked you question answer me!” he shouted slamming Pat backwards hard into the wall by the shoulders.

“The fuck do you care?” Pat spat at his Dad, “As long as I can perform why does it matter?”

“Because it has to look real,” Hank hissed.

“We can still make it look real,” Mr. Lord said, “You have masks or something Connor?” he asked my Da.

“Yes of course,” he replied. Hank smiled, “I think our three-some we were planning just became a gang bang?”

“Most definitely,” Mr. Lord replied.

“Ok boys you know how this goes, downstairs now,” Arthur said to the three of us as we filed out Da and Mr. Lord in front with the three of us in the middle and Hank and Arthur bring in the rear.

“I really sincerely hope this shit starts kicking in,” Cole whispered in my ear from behind as the elevator opened and we all stepped inside.

“No talking,” Arthur barked at Cole.

As soon as we were in the elevator Hank was standing in front of me trying to kiss me as I pressed myself into the back wall and my breathing started to catch, “Da,” I implored my own da to help and he just smiled as Hank started biting lightly at my neck and I put my hands up pushing on his chest to try and get him off of me.

“He’ll warm you up,” my Da sighed, “You might as well let him you’re going to need it trust me.”

At that I swallowed hard and both Pat and Cole looked at me sadly. I could feel myself starting to hyperventilate as the door the elevator opened onto the second floor and I started shaking my head.

“Don’t say it,” Cole hissed through clenched teeth at me as a warning but because I could stop myself I said it anyway.

“No,” I said as Hank pulled me from the elevator and positioned himself to stand behind me so he could push me forward gripping my hips tightly, “No, I – I can’t,” I said shaking my head vigorously.

“fuck,” Pat said which earned him a fist upside the head from Arthur.

I started shaking, “Da please, please I- I can’t do this,” I said again.

“Too late,” My Da replied at me eyeing me angrily as Hank pushed/carried me down the stairs through the hallway into the kitchen and down the basement steps.

“Da please I’m begging you, please,” I said as Hank started undoing my pants from behind and Cole and Pat started to undress themselves in the hallway next to me.

“Should have thought about that before you decided to get pissed,” he said.

“Da I’m not even please,” I said again desperately.

“Should we do the bed or the swing?” Arthur asked as Hank forced my shirt over my head in-between nibbles on my neck.

“I think the swing might be helpful,” Mr. Lord commented.

“Good call sir I like the swing,” Hank commented getting my underwear off with the help of my Da as I stood there frozen trying to breath.

“Ok so door number two,” My Da said opening the door and we went into the red room without the beds. Where the hook was that I had been hung off of about five days earlier there was now a weird device hanging from it that looked like a seat surrounded by straps of different kinds I realized this must be the swing and when I looked back at my Da he was handing out what looked like fishnets and Arthur and Mr. Lord each took one and put it over their faces and My Da did the same and then handed one to Hank, “You want to start him up?” My Da asked Hank as he grabbed me before I could even think about trying to run.

“Oh yeah,” Hank said putting his on and then taking me back tightly by the hips as all of the adults started to undress besides Hank, “Pat come here and help me get him strapped in. Now,” Hank added when he saw Pat wasn’t moving.

Hank lifted me up like I was nothing and got my ass to positioned so I sat on a strip of hard rubber like well, a swing on a playground and he started to strap me in place placing my legs into smaller straps that were made of cloth and Pat handcuffed my wrists to two other straps “I’m so so sorry,” he whispered in my ear barely loud enough for me to hear.

“No talking,” Hank barked at him as he made sure I was secure and let go so I was suspended in the swing my legs spread up in the air with my arms handcuffed into the other straps so I couldn’t get out and he started to undress.

“Are we going to have to gag him?” Hank asked, “Because if so can I start before we turn the camera on?”

“Sure go for it,” Mr. Lord said motioning for Pat to come away.

I thought he was going to start by fingering me and then penetrating me but I was completely wrong and I knew that when he raised the swing slightly that’s when I knew what they meant by “start him up”.

“No, no no no no no no! no, no no,” I said shaking my head and starting to struggle making the swing move back and forth but that’s all it achieved as my body become level with his face.

“See what did I say at the party John? Most bottoms hate oral?” Mr. Lord commented as Hank grabbed my dick and licked the tip lightly and I moaned in fear as I clenched my teeth and he took me into his mouth.

I honestly am not sure why but I don’t remember much after a while. But only that it hurt. Hank made me climax at least once with Oral and then they made everyone else preform oral on me too and I’m not sure how many times they got me to cum but I remember it hurting and me screaming until I couldn’t scream anymore and then at some point they lowered the swing and took turns anally penetrating me with their tongues, fingers, dicks, fist whatever they wanted.

Next thing I remember I thought it was almost over and I heard Pat say something in protest. “You want to get yourself beaten?” Hank looked at Pat.

“Go ahead and fucking do it, I’m not moving that swing up,” he said, “He’s had enough fucking look at him!” Pat said and sure enough got a fist to the face not from Hank or Arthur but the leader which I think surprised more than just Pat because everything in the room stopped for a minute.

“I guess you’re getting strung up next because it seems like you want it,” Mr. Lord said his eyes cold as he stared at Pat, “Cole up the swing,” he said and Cole swallowed hitting a switch on the wall that made the swing elevate again and then stopped when it was at head height again and I felt a hand grab my most private area again.

“kill me,” I whispered at Cole as I caught sight of him and Hank put me in his mouth again. I instantly bit back a scream and My Da came around and started rubbing my shoulders every touch setting off another neuron making me shake harder.

“Da please,” I begged looking at him, “I can’t do this anymore please, Please,” I started out right sobbing.

“Come on baby just one more time,” he said trying to sooth me and get me to stop sobbing.

“I can’t,” I shrieked, “I can’t, I can’t please, please stop, just stop I can’t,” I screamed.

I wanted to die. I thought the whipping had been bad but my whole body felt like one raw nerve at that point and if I had been able to I would have killed myself at that moment if it meant they would quit touching me. My Da kissed my lips in spite of my snot and tears, “Come on baby just one more, just cum one more time,” he kept repeating as if trying to sooth me and calm me down.

“I can’t, please,” I begged desperately as Hank found the right place and the pressure started to build and I clenched my teeth again making a hum/moan/screaming sound as I came and my vision started to go dark.

I must have passed out after that point because next thing I remember I was waking up in the cage with Cole sitting near me his knees pressed against his chest. At first he seemed to be ignoring me and then he looked over and noticed my eyes were open. He looked at them to see if they were paying attention and when he knew they weren’t he whispered, “That was brutal I’ve never seen them do anything like that before. How much of that were you checked in for?” he asked meaning how much of it I was mentally present for.

“too much,” I muttered so quietly I wasn’t sure he heard the moment my body was aware I was conscious I could feel my muscles started to spasm, “I can’t feel my legs.”

“I don’t doubt it. You’re twitching like horrible you know that?”

“mhm,” I said, “Pat’s in the swing now?” I asked.

“Yep,” Cole grimaced taking his eyes off of me for a second and then bring his attention back to me.

“Why isn’t he screaming?” I asked. And Cole laid down in the cage next to me so he could hear me better I’m assuming because I wasn’t whispering very loudly at all.

“They had to gag him because he kept swearing,” Cole answered, “Pat doesn’t get scared, he gets angry. I’ve never seen him take a hit for anyone besides his brother or me until tonight.”

“Pat has a brother?” I asked.

“Had. He had a brother.” Cole said.

“What happened?” I asked. “His dad, no one is really sure but Hank was with him and he stopped breathing. He was six. He had been kept home from school. His cause of death was ruled pneumonia but, I bet you Hank got a little too excited during one of his well, playtimes and probably choked the kid to death. He was six. Pat’s mom left shortly after that and you know my theory on that so.” Cole answered.

“Why aren’t they making you…?” I stared to ask and Cole cut me off.

“They couldn’t make me unless they held a gun to my head and unfortunately for them tonight they don’t have one,” he muttered.

“Unfortunate for me too,” I mumbled.

“Don’t even joke, you don’t want to die tonight,” he said giving me the saddest and most seriously look I ever remember him giving me, “Try to clear your mind to you really want this to be the last thing you experience? Wouldn’t you rather it was something I don’t know good, happy even?”

“Easy for you to say,” I said and I could feel myself getting ready to cry.

“Hey, I know this sucks but for all you know you’re going to die tomorrow. You don’t want your families, your little brothers and sisters to have their last thought of you be because they heard you blew your brains out when they find out your dead.” He said.

“You don’t…” I started to say.

“John, don’t tell me I don’t get it look at where I am, have they ever done that to me no but I watched them chop all of Justin’s limbs off and fuck him in every single hole they made until he bled to death. They raped him so badly they eviscerated him through his colon so don’t tell me I don’t get it because I do ok? Trust me but you can’t let this one-night finish you. You have to fight, promise me the moment you get out of here you won’t hurt yourself that you’ll keep going, please?” he hissed.

“I’m sorry,” I muttered, “I promise.” I added, “If I can leave, I still can’t feel my legs.”

“You’ll leave if I have to drag you out of here,” Cole whispered and just then we heard loud gasping and looked up.

Someone had taken the gag out of Pat’s mouth and he was gasping for air and then he breathing evened out, “Had enough? Ready to beg for mercy?” My Da asked him as everyone else looked on.

Pat stared at my father wide-eyed and wild like if he had the chance he would have squeezed the life out of him and he grimaced in pain, “f-uuucck you!” he said slowly and then spit in my Da’s face before my Da shoved the gag back in his mouth.

“You’re mine you little shit,” My Da said as everyone standing around them laughed.

I swallowed and turned away not able to watch anymore. “At least he’s not on a solid surface with that guy so he can whisper in his ear,” Cole said.

“Yeah,” I whispered in agreement, “he has a way of making sure you hate yourself doesn’t he?”

“For sure, your dad really has a gift with words. He could make Charles Manson hate himself if the man had a soul,” Cole said.

“Shit,” I hissed making Cole jump slightly.

“Starting to get feeling back in your legs?” he guessed.

“Yep,” I said biting my lip to keep myself from crying out, “I think I have to piss but it hurts.”

“If I were you I wouldn’t,” Cole said, “You’ll be in an extreme amount of pain.”

“What makes you say that?” I asked.

“Well,” Cole said tilting his head to the side and staring at my waist drawing my attention, “have you looked at it recently?”

“Oh,” I said simply looking at my penis, it was black and blue in different places and just looking at it made me acutely aware of how painful it actually was.

“Hank really went to town didn’t he?” Cole asked.

“You think that’s all from him?” I asked.

“Mostly,” Cole nodded and then covered his mouth like he was trying to stifle a laugh, “I just had the worst thought, I think I know why the four of them hang out.” He said bending close to my ear, “The way your dad talks, my dad hits and Pat’s dad fucks their the most powerful man in the world if you combined them together,” he snickered.

“What about the big L?” I asked curious where he came in.

“The other three don’t have a brain cell to spare so the ideas have to come from somewhere,” he said which caused me to cover my mouth before I started laughing out loud which would have hurt.

“Omg, I’m going to kill you later if I don’t die before then,” I rasped trying to laugh silently and snorting drawing attention to us, “oh shit,” I said and we both quit laughing.

“Something funny?” Mr. Lord asked coming over to the cage.

“No sir,” Cole mumbled as his Dad started coming over too.

“Why don’t you too get friendly?” Arthur said looking at us, “entertain us.” He made his question sound more like a command.

“I don’t think he’s up for it,” Cole stated looking at his father a bored expression on his face.

“Does he want to come out and play with us some more?” Arthur said eyeing Cole seriously.

“Come on that’s bunk!” Cole said.

“Maybe just a little foreplay,” Mr. Lord suggested, “We aren’t into torturing that much.” He added.

“Fine, fine, whatever,” Cole sighed and straddled me.

“uhh,” I looked at him shocked as he bent down and bit my neck lightly, “sorry just go with it before they decide to put you back in the fucking swing,” he whispered quickly as his lips met mine and allowed his tongue pass my lips even though I was sore and beyond tired and now totally confused all of the sudden he pulled away and licked his way up my chest to my neck.

I felt my face start to flush in surprise. “Oh fuck,” Arthur muttered cocking his head as he watched us excitedly and he started stroking himself.

“O, ok,” I said as Cole started sucking on my nipple and it took everything in me not to push him away because I was started to become erect even though I didn’t find any of this exciting or arousing mentally and it hurt.

Cole stopped and looked up at his dad “Can we stop now?” he asked annoyed.

“Not yet,” Arthur muttered, “Keep going.” He said as he stroked himself.

Cole moved his mouth back to mine and then to my neck again and I could still feel myself glowing red as I tried to control my breathing and I grabbed Cole’s shoulders gently. By now we were getting a lot of attention and Hank had joined the other two watching us instead of Pat and my Da. Cole’s hand traveled down my side and grabbed my hip lightly making me gasp and my eyebrows arch and my mouth open.

“That’s a total O face,” Hank said laughing lightly, “Now this we should be recording.”

“I’ll get it,” Arthur said running over to tap my Da on the shoulder and get his attention.

This caused him to look over at the commotion in the corner of the room by the cage and he stopped to watch Cole necking me and Arthur grabbed the Camera off its stand.

“Cole, this has gone really bad,” I said burying my face in his neck to make it look like I was kissing him back.

“I know,” he said through gritted teeth by my ear, “hold on.”

Just then something in my head went numb, something didn’t feel right and my vision started flashing, “I thin….” I don’t remember anything after that.

When I came to the crowd was gone and Pat was in the cage with us, “What the fuck?” I asked loudly.

“I was just about to ask you that,” Cole said looking at me curiously, “Was that real because it sure as fuck looked real. If it was that was amazing timing by the way.”

“Yeah that was real,” I answered “and very weird.”

“Maybe you were breathing too fast?” Pat suggested turning to look at us, “Thank you for that by the way you could have done that sooner you realize?” he said to us and shook his head.

“breathing too fast?” I asked confused.

“If you breathe too fast it messes with your carbon dioxide and that will cause you to faint,” Pat shrugged, “You must be one hell of a kisser Cole,” Pat sniggered and then winced in pain.

“I wouldn’t know,” Cole shrugged “I’ve never made out with myself. Do you think I’m a good kisser Pat?” Cole raised his eyebrows twice at Pat and winked.

Pat puckered his lips and thought about it deeply for a second, “For a guy maybe.” Pat remarked “What do you think John?” Pat asked.

“I’m still trying to figure out what the fuck just happened.” I muttered raking my hand through my hair.

Cole sighed, “Yeah, this night did take a turn for the kinky and unusual didn’t it?”

“Where did they all go?” I asked suddenly very aware that we were alone in the room still locked in the cage.

“I think they went to smoke cigars and go,” Pat made a hand motion like he was jacking off “watch the video maybe?” he finished.

“Probably,” Cole nodded in agreement, “That means we get to sleep when they come to get us through,” Cole added.

“If we’re lucky,” Pat commented.

“I’m not sure I can walk,” I sighed.

“We’ll drag you, you’ll be fine,” Cole said.

“Geeze Cole you know how to make a guy feel special you snog him until he faints and then tell him you’re going to drag him places. What are you a cave man?” I smirked and Pat clapped his hands excitedly.

“You have picked up our banter, I love it,” Pat said.

“How long have we been down here?” I asked.

“No clue I left my watch in the hallway,” Pat replied , “I’d say about four hours, What do you think Cole?”

“Longer,” Cole answered “I bet six, what about you John?”

“I have a horrible sense of time, I don’t bet at all,” I yawned.

Pat put his feet up against the bars, “What are we betting anyway?”

“Last smoke in the pack?” Cole suggested.

“All right, you’re on but we’re counting it from this moment right now not when we get out of here,” Pat said.

“If you two are checking the time who is going to help me walk?” I questioned.

“I don’t know,” Cole sighed, “I know Hank would help you for sure.”

“NOT FUNNY!” I said my breath catching in my chest as I glared at Cole.

“Ok, not funny I’m sorry,” Cole said sincerely.

“Cole I think he’s about to hyperventilate are you trying to kill him tonight?” Pat asked glancing at me nervously as I tried to catch my breath.

I flipped them both off as I exhaled and held my breath for four counts and then inhaled and did the same until my breathing evened out again. They watched me closely for a minute.

“You have too much anxiety,” Pat commented, “We need you to smoke a bowl man.”

“And you guys don’t because you’re always high,” I smiled and cocked an eyebrow at them.

“Fair enough,” Cole said, “You do tend to be more chill when you’re lit.”

“Yeah, if it did ever kick in I don’t remember it,” I said, “I however have a killer headache.”

“I’m just tired,” Pat said.

“Me too,” Cole sighed in agreement.

Our chatter slowly dwindled down into silence as we laid there and waited to be released from our prison. Eventually they came down and allowed us to leave and sure enough when it came time to stand on my feet I feel immediately, my legs feeling as unsteady as a new born fawns and Pat caught me under the arms before I hit the ground.

Hank watched excitedly and Da just laughed while everyone else seemed to ignore it the whole thing. All three of us managed to get half-dressed and make it to the third floor guest suite before we collapsed collectively onto the bed. I don’t think we managed to do anything else before we all fell into an uneasy sleep full of nightmares.

I remember stirring a couple of times feel like I was going to throw up or I was still swaying in the swing someone pressing against me in an unwanted to way to open my eyes and find myself safe with a solid surface underneath me my hand maybe touching a leg or a foot, breathing a sigh of relief and falling back into sleep before I really had to time to process any of it. I think I slept like that for a while, waking up and then drifting back to sleep once I realized I was safe however at some point I woke up and I found Pat hovering over me closely his hands held up like he was approaching a police officer eyeing me closely.

He saw me open my eyes. “You ok?” He asked me.

“I think so why?” I asked rubbing the sleep from my eyes.

“Man, you were fucking screaming,” Cole sighed from the chair, “Woke me out of a dead sleep I almost pissed my pants,” he muttered pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Sorry,” I said.

“What’s up with the goose bumps?” Pat asked causing me to look at my arm.

“I don’t know; nightmare I guess?” I shrugged.

“Does this alarm clock have radio?” Cole asked looking at the alarm clock on the night stand.

“Probably,” I sighed, “Why?”

“Music,” he said hitting the button to turn it on and there was a screech and static making my head pound. I knew it wasn’t something they could help and that I was always hung over but music wasn’t going to help me right at that moment and frowned lightly until Cole adjusted the dial and this slow song started playing at the very beginning. A guitar strumming slowly and then the lyrics started.

“Drink up baby, stay up all night with the things you could you won’t but you might the potential you’ll be that you’ll never see the promises you’ll only make, drink up with now forget all about the pressure of days, do what I say and I’ll make you ok and drive them away the images stuck in your head, people you’ve been before that you don’t want around anymore, the push and shove and won’t bend to your will, I’ll keep them still, drink up baby look at the stars I’ll kiss you again between the bars, while I’m seeing you there with your hands in the air waiting to finally be caught, drink up one more time and I’ll make you mine, keep you apart deep in my heart separate from the rest for I like you the best, keep the things you forgot people you’ve been before that you don’t want around anymore, push and shove and won’t bend to your will I’ll keep them still…” We all sat silent through the song and after it was over an ad played and Cole turned it off.

The song had struck something in me, something deep I knew that feeling in the very core of my bones and I knew it was me. After a couple more silent moments I spoke “Who wrote that?” I asked.

“Elliot Smith,” Cole answered, “It’s all over the radio kind of sad though,” he shrugged, “not a bad song but, ehh…” he said.

“I think I like it,” I said.

“You would,” Pat smiled at me.

“What do you mean by that?” I asked cocking one eyebrow at him which made me head hurt worse, “Got I have such a horrible hang over does anyone have anything?” I asked.

“Nope, they took what was left remember?” Cole reminded me.

“That’s right,” I muttered, “I’m too lazy to go upstairs and get mine.”

“I can go I guess,” Pat offered.

“You need a code to get up there, I can give you mine but you wouldn’t remember it,” I said.

“A code?” Cole asked confused, “So that’s what the key pad next to the floor button is for?”

“Yeah, mum put it in to protect us. Keep us safer from …” I sighed, “Not that it does much good they have a stair case they built into the pantry that I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know about.”

“At least she tries you know,” Cole shrugged, “I’m not sure my mom cared.”

“Didn’t your mom die of Cancer or something?” I asked Cole.

“Yeah, before that though I’m pretty sure she knew there was something wrong with him but, well you know my dad his fist does a lot of talking,” Cole sighed, “I don’t know my mom and dad their relationship was… weird.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“My mom was younger than he is, she’s from a family within the brotherhood, my dad was raised in it so I don’t know sometimes I think he just fucked her and knocked her up so they made them get married and well, here I am,” he said, “Their relationship was like let’s do Christmas in Hawaii and new year’s I’ll go to Switzerland and you can go to Africa and whatever the fuck. My mom wasn’t home most of the time until she was sick.” He said.

“ He started doing things after she got sick the touching and stuff.There was one time she caught him, and she got mad at me. I was eight,” Cole exhaled, “Like what I asked for it? Fucking bitch,” he muttered.

“Is anyone else still tired?” Pat asked.

“Yeah,” I replied numbly, “Do you know what time you guys are supposed to be leaving?” I asked.

“Around like 3 or so,” Cole commented, “Would have been a lot more fun without all the basement stuff.”

“Agreed we’ll have to hang out sometime,” Pat said.

“At whose house though?” Cole asked.

“That’s like asking which ball would you rather lose your right or your left,” Muttered and Cole smirked. “Or both,” he added.

“Well, if you want to keep them guys can’t be my house,” Pat added, “At least for John, no offense man,” he said.

“None, taken,” I answered, “What’s school like?” I asked them.

“Well,” Cole said and I could see the wheels turning behind his eyes, “They have these things called desk and you sit at them.” I cut him off.

“I didn’t mean it that way you shit head,” I laughed, “You know what I mean like the other people, the students.”

Pat shrugged, “They’re ok. At our sisters school there’s this girl Darcy she’s like a 10. She doesn’t seem to know I exists though.”

“That’s sucks,” I said, “So what are we like lame?” I asked.

“Nah,” Pat replied, “Cole and I just keep to ourselves of course that’s because last year we had to deal with Chad so…”

“Shit I know that guy,” I said, “I think he hates me.”

“You’re untouchable remember?” Cole sneered, “Everyone hates you. Everyone like him anyway.”

“Are you two untouchable?” I asked curious.

“I fucking wish,” Cole rolled his eyes, “Not many guys are. Pat you want to shower first or can I?” he asked looking at Pat who stood up and stretched.

“You can if you want,” Pat said going to the night stand and grabbing the pack, “three left, want one John?” he asked.

“Sure,” I answered.

“Well, I guess it doesn’t matter who won the bet,” Cole yawned, “Save one for me?” he asked getting up and going into the bathroom and shutting the door.

We both heard the water turn on. Pat held out the lighter for me and lit the cigarette in my mouth and then went over to occupy the chair, “So, you think you have a lot of nightmares like that?” he asked suddenly.

“I don’t know, why?” I asked him.

“Just curious,” he shrugged and took a puff after lighting his own and then handed me the cup off the dresser.

“I’m just hoping to be left alone for a couple of days,” I sighed and took another drag on my own.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“Well, unless I’m stone cold pissed I don’t think I can…,” I shook my head.

“Every night?” Pat asked.

“uhh, just about. When my Uncle is here more likely but, I just have this weird feeling I can’t shake that it’s going to keep getting worse,” I said tipping my ashes and handing the cup back to Pat to do the same.

“My dad’s been slowing down for about a year,” Pat commented, “I think maybe I’m starting to get too…” he stopped looking for the right words, “adult for his liking? He’s getting more violent though.”

“Did he ever do anything to Karen?” I asked just curious because I knew my Da well and I figured that it might be in the cards for my sisters and Cole had mentioned that it happened to girls too in brotherhood families.

“That bitch? No, she’s daddy’s princess. I highly doubt it considering when I was six and I told her it was going on she told me I was liar. She gets everything and anything she could ever want, cushy jobs handed to her, nice cars whatever she asks for. If she has been she certainly doesn’t care that it’s happening to anyone else.” He grimaced.

“Tell me about it. She kept going on about ‘if you knew my dad’ and all of this other shit the other day. I got so pissed I said I knew your dad intimately.” I said taking back the cup and flicking more ashes into it then taking another drag.

Pat choked on his smoke, “No shit?” he asked and I shrugged my shoulder, “oh I would have loved to see the look on her face! Was she mad?”

I thought about it for a second, “Yeah I think so. At first she seemed more shocked but then she made me get out of the car and talk to her about it. She acted at first like she believed me and she had to report it to someone and then after a minute or two she changed her mind about it and flat out told me she thought I was lying, which was the feeling I got from her when I first said to anyway so… whatever.” I said.

“She thinks angels fly out of that man’s asshole. Which is another reason why I think she’s never seen it,” Pat said which caused me to choke a little on my own smoke, “I don’t know though I don’t think my dad is…” Pat trailed off.

“What? You don’t think he’s what?” I asked handing the cup back.

“I don’t think he’s into females,” Pat shrugged, “I mean think about it he has three kids, two sons and a daughter he leaves his daughter alone treats her like a princess and stops having sex with his wife when his oldest son turns six? I think he’s a pedo like hard core. He wants to fuck little boys that’s who he’s attracted to who he wants to have a relationship with. Fuck I didn’t know it wasn’t normal for sure until I was 8 or 9 when people actually started talking about that stuff. One of the girls tried to French kiss one of the guys and she got in trouble and he thought it was gross and I was confused because that’s something he, my dad did all the time for as long as I could remember. I don’t think I said anything about it to anyone, pretty sure I didn’t besides Karen but I don’t know…” he trailed off.

“My Uncle started doing shit first,” I said, “I think he was doing it before I can actually remember things because I always remember getting really upset when he would babysit from the time I start remembering things. I don’t think my Da is gay bisexual maybe,” I said.

“I hate your dad,” Pat said without looking up from the cup he flicked his ashes into.

“Me too, I hate him more than I hate my uncle I think. See my uncle doesn’t care he’ll do whatever to get himself satisfied and then if he’s done he’ll leave you alone but my Da is…,” I trailed off.

“Your Dad is very much like mine only he doesn’t bite. The things he says like him saying that it’s ok, he thinks that makes it ok just makes my skin crawl that much more,” Pat said flicking his ashes and handing it back and just then we heard the water turn off and Cole came out of the room a towel wrapped around his waist, “Well my turn,” Pat commented putting out the last bit of his cigg which was almost completely smoked and getting up and shutting the door behind him.

“You ok?” Cole asked both of us and Pat just shook his head and walked past him and just sighed.

“Just talking about stuff,” I said.

“Ah, that always makes everyone not ok pretty fast,” Cole commented picking up the lighter and his Cigg and taking the cup sitting in Cole’s place.

“What’s your level?” I asked my eyes darting to Cole’s towel covered right hip.

“You’ve seen me naked about twice now for hours on end you’re asking me that?” Cole almost laughed.

“Well, I was busy doing other things then looking at you so…” I said.

“Ok, ok fair enough,” he said and started unwrapping his towel.

“Woah, dude you don’t need to…” he cut me off.

“Relax it’s not like you haven’t seen me naked before that and I was just going to show you that not anything else,” he said dropping the towel so I could see his right hip. There was an angry raised white scar there and it said KIII. I hissed and thought about my own and my brothers MV. I wondered how many untouchables there were exactly and how you got to be an untouchable because a 3 didn’t seem very high at all.

“A 3?” I asked, “That bites.”

“Oh you have no idea,” Cole choked, “When I say I have to deal with Chad I HAVE to deal with Chad. If he asks me to do something I have to do it because he’s a four. He usually leaves me alone unless he wants to humiliate me for something though. He once stole my clothes out of the locker room during gym class and threw them all over the gym and Fr. Brodrick decided he would help me get them back if I did him a favor in the office. That was fun,” Cole snorted.

“Father Brodrick?” I asked.

“Gym teacher he’s in his last year of seminar this year I think,” he said handing me the cup so I could put out the last of my cigarette.

“How many priests are in the brotherhood?” I asked curious.

“A fair few that work at school, they get to do whatever it is they…” he trailed off, “I don’t know they’re super weird. They don’t do parties at the Villa but they’ll request to spend time with you and come to your house. I think it’s to keep everyone from knowing who they are into. I think Father Brodrick is into older guys more so then prepubescent because that was the first time he ever asked me for a favor and he’s been the gym TA for about 2 years now.”

“So when they say I’m still soft you think they mean…” he cut me off.

“You still have a kind of kid body and not a guy’s body yet? Yeah, your soft hate to break it to you. At least you’re safe though. You get chained up more after you harden up. I was soft until like 6 months ago. I think for Pat it’s been closer to a year. After a while they know you can fight back decently so they either chain you up or the push you harder to see if they can break you. Like they get really violent to make you fight back. They break bones more often when that happens, some kid got his jaw broken at the last party I was at because he decided to kick and caught someone in the jaw so they decided to pound on him.” Cole smiled.

“That sounds like something my Uncle would do, he doesn’t like even a little fighting back but he wants to hear you scream that’s for damn sure.” I sighed.

“How did you know it was him?” Cole asked me shocked.

“I didn’t,” I replied, “he has a horrible temper though I usually try to keep my mouth shut and just let him… he got pissed at something my mum said once though and I thought he was going to come after me too… you know and instead he kicked the shit out of my stomach and sides and punched me in the face. He knocked my last baby tooth lose with that my adult one is almost grown in. It’s near the back though so you can’t really see it.” I said. “Have you dealed with my uncle?”

He made a tsk sound and sighed thinking about it, “like directly? No and I’m glad I haven’t. I’m hoping I’m not his type.” Cole said.

“I’m not sure he has a type other than causing people pain,” I said.

“I’m sure it will happen but, not looking forward to the experience.” He said and we were silent for a minute and then I saw his cheeks flush and he looked at me and opened his mouth as if he were planning to say something and then shut it again like he was afraid.

“Something on your mind?” I asked.

“Yeah, I just don’t want to upset you,” He said sheepishly.

I got nervous, “Upset me how?” I asked.

“It’s about something your dad said will I was,” he made a sexual gesture to explain the situation he had been in at the time with my dad.

“That doesn’t help me feel any less nervous you might as well just say it and hope I don’t flip. What did he say?” I asked anxiously.

“Well,” Cole said carefully, “He said the other night when we were in the one red room and you were with Hank that he prefers a bed especially with you because…,” he trailed off, “He thinks you and I would make similar noises and apparently he really likes the way you sound.” He finished in a hurried mumble.

I felt my breath catch in my throat and my face flush. I felt like I was going to hyper ventilate and I think Cole could see it on my face because he came and sat next to me on the bed. “You’re ok you know that right? It’s him that’s the problem that’s the sick one not you. You realize that right?”

“Cole just stop,” I said.

Cole looked at me and nodded waiting for me to calm down. After a minute he grabbed my hand to give me some comfort and I squeezed back to let him know I wasn’t upset with him. I felt violated not by what Cole had told him because he had said it but because my Da had mentioned it to him. It made me wonder what else he had said to other guys my age about our private moments like what he had told my brothers about it. Cole didn’t move his hand from my grip and just looked at me carefully in silence waiting for some sign as to how I was feeling. I sighed after a minute, “And that made you have a question?” I asked.

“Yeah, you sure you want me to ask?” Cole said carefully.

“You can ask I can’t promise I’ll have an answer though.” I replied.

“Do you think he has a weird way of making it feel like…” Cole stopped and exhaled, “really weird and gentle at different points? Because I thought so and it was beyond… It made me feel really gross.” He finished quietly.

I sighed, “I…,” I trailed off.

“Ok, you don’t have to answer,” Cole said, “I’m ok with you not answering I just needed to ask for some reason.”

“That’s what makes me drink so much,” I sighed, “I’ can’t tell you who is worse anymore my Da or Hank because Hank, he hurts a lot and yet manages to always make it somehow…” I trailed off, “But my Da exactly as you described both of them make me hate myself so much. I’m going to break if they can’t give me some space. If they don’t let me drink before next time one of them…” I trailed off.

“You are stronger than you think you are,” Cole said squeezing my hand, “You don’t think you can do this but you have been doing pretty fucking well. My Dad usually isn’t into me at home most of the time I get left alone unless he can’t go to the Villa that weekend for whatever reason. He doesn’t always make me go with him. If I were where you are I don’t know if I could do it and yet you are. You’re younger than I am and you’re handling it as best you can which means getting beyond drunk but you’re still alive, you’re still functioning and if drinking is what you have to do to function then do it.”

“Will doesn’t think that way,” I said.

Just then Pat came out of the bathroom the shower must have turned off long before because he gave me a look and said “Fuck Will then. You’re doing some of it for him aren’t you? To keep him safe right? He has no right to judge you on this he’s not sitting where you are. You told me it was almost every night maybe if he had to go through that he would respect you a little bit more.” Pat said.

I shook my head, “I’d never let that happen, I can’t. I’d rather die than let them make one of my siblings feel like this.” I murmured.

“If you’re not careful you will,” Cole said, “You need to try and hold it together until they stop or you figure something out because I’ve seen guys break under less.”

“A lot less,” Pat agreed.

“I don’t know what to do,” I mumbled.

“I don’t have answers but, you’re not alone now you can call me and talk if it will help you,” Pat said.

“Same,” Cole agreed, “Hell you can call me and we can talk about nothing if you want. I’ll play you some music. Even the super girly kind, help you find your sound.” I laughed lightly.

“For real, you have no idea how much music helps me deal,” he said, “Elliot Smith isn’t my thing really but if that’s what you like I’ll help you find more stuff like that but, I’ll introduce you other bands too I mean there’s Nirvana, Korn, Eminem, Marilyn Manson, whole bunch of good shit.” Cole said.

“Yeah, he knows all the good shit,” Pat agreed, “He’s the music man for sure.”

I laughed, “The music man?”

“Yeah,” Pat said you know like, he knows all the music and people want to know his opinion. Like what’s that super old song by the one guy about the bar?” Pat asked Cole Cole rolled his eyes, “Piano man?” he questioned.

“Yeah, like that he’s like the piano man only instead of playing the music he just tells you where to find it.” Pat finished.

“James is going to be a piano man,” I said thinking of my little brother, “He fucking loves that thing and he’s good. He’s got real talent. He can even read sheet music and he’s only seven.”

“How is he doing?” Cole asked, “After the other night? He seems really quiet now since it happened,” he said.

“Yeah, he goes quiet sometimes I asked Da before they came because I heard from Vic that the leader won’t swipe a V card who Da was abusing. He said he’s been doing things with him and uncle Ben for a while, not in so many words but yeah. It actually explains why he does that though. I thought it was just a him thing but…” I said.

“That poor kid,” Pat sighed.

I nodded,"so you’re the music man Cole and James will be the piano man,” I said.

“Cole dances too,” Pat said and Cole’s cheeks flushed.

“Not that good,” Cole said.

“Hey man I’m not gay or anything but they’ve been saying for centuries that dancing is like fucking and for a guy you’re pretty good on both counts,” Pat said to Cole.

“Well, thanks,” Cole said.

“I want to see you dance now,” I said laughing, “Because like I don’t know about myself personally but you did make me pass out.” I reminded him.

“Yes, Cole makes all the gay/bisexual or confused boys swoon with his dancing don’t you Cole?” Pat teased.

“Shut up!” Cole said but was laughing while he said it, “I’d have to turn on the radio and find a good song and that’s too much trouble, I need to get dressed anyway so we can leave when they wake up, you should too Pat,” he added looking at Pat drawing attention to the fact that they were both still in towels and I was still in my underwear.

“I should probably go upstairs and find some clothes too,” I added, “I’ll be back in a little bit.”

“Well you’re up there if you have concealer I would use it,” Cole said.

“Why?” I asked.

“You can’t feel that?” Cole asked a shocked look on his face.

“Dude my nerves are still beyond fried my whole body is still tingling which is why I need to get smashed. Thank you for drawing my attention back to that,” I said.

“Sorry but dude, come here,” he said coming up to me and grabbing my hand pulling me off the bed, “Look in the mirror.”

My neck was completely black and blue again after it had finally started fading away and I noticed bruises in different places on my skin, my forearms, my wrists my biceps as well as hicky’s up and down my chest along with the slowly healing bite marks I had been accumulating from Hank.

“Yeah, I see what you’re saying,” I said.

I think Pat could sense my embarrassment and sadness because he said. “Man look at what they did to me,” pointing at his own arms and legs which had similar marks as mine, “I also have this,” he turned around and showed us a giant bruise in the middle of his back it was big and a dark purple almost black.

“Shit how did they do that?” I asked.

“Cole’s wonderful Da when I refused to perform Oral on you a second time,” he said.

“I don’t remember that,” I said slowly surprised.

“Yeah you were checked out by then,” Cole said, “We huh…had no choice. I can’t take a beating like Pat sorry John.” He said sheepishly.

“I’m glad I don’t remember any of that,” I said, “I don’t blame you guys. I know if they were threatening to beat me or especially one of my kid brothers or sisters I’d do just about anything they told me to.” I said.

We were all silent for a minute after I said that. We all knew it was true and I was very much aware all of the tops in the brotherhood knew that of me very well. All the ones I had been with or my Da had talked to anyway. That was how my Da got me to do a lot of things I wouldn’t have otherwise done. At the time I didn’t realize that still made it rape but to force someone through black mail or coercion is still rape even if there isn’t any physical violence involved. That’s why I had such a hard time dealing with my Da for a long time because at that point in life I didn’t know that and I didn’t view it that way. I thought because I said “ok if you don’t hurt them” it was me consenting when really it was him forcing me to make a choice so he could fuck with my head and make me feel like I was consenting. That I had a real choice to say no when I didn’t.

“It’s harder when you remember,” Pat commented, “It makes things awkward for a while,” he said looking at Cole.

“For sure. It takes some time,” Cole commented.

“You two have…?” I asked cocking an eyebrow.

“Oh yeah,” Cole said and Pat coughed. “It’s not like sex sex it’s just like fucking usually because they have a gun to our heads. I don’t know we were like 8 the first time I think,” Cole said.

“Yeah, sex is different from fucking,” Pat nodded in agreement.

“Other than you guys apparently I haven’t…,” I could feel myself blushing, “Not with anyone like our age.”

“You’re lucky then,” Pat commented, “They film it always. It’s money for the brotherhood.”

“They sell them?” I asked shocked. “Yeah, to members, they get discounts on that type of thing to other pedo groups, to like random people who are into that thing. They filmed us you know?” Pat asked.

“Yeah I know,” I said, “I got filmed the night before too."

“Were they wearing something over their faces when they did that?” Cole asked.

I stopped to think about it. I remembered the shock of it, what it felt like on my body and then I tried to think past that. Looking into my Da’s eyes as he held me down while the leader blew me and made me climax. “Hey, are you awake?” Pat asked.

I must have froze in place for a couple of minutes because they were both staring at me worriedly. “There you are, hey man. You left for a second, you ok?” Cole asked looking at me.

I sighed, “No mask.” I shook my head.

“Ah, yeah that happens to me too,” Pat said, “It hits you randomly sometimes. I hate that.”

“What the freezing up?” I asked.

“Yeah you don’t mean to think about things, remember shit but sometimes someone will say something and then… it’s like your brain just got fucking smacked back into the middle of you know… so you just kind of lights on but no one’s home.” Pat commented.

“Me too, it takes a lot of drugs to stop that from constantly hitting me,” Cole commented. “Speaking of you have any Pat?” Cole asked.

“I have some downers,” Pat answered, “I think it’s Klonpin brought them off of that kid at school Brad, need some?”

“Fuck yeah,” Cole said.

“You John?” Pat asked going to his suit case.

“I’ve never…” I trailed off.

“But do you need some, it will mellow you out it’s safer then what you usually use.” He commented.

“I have some upstairs I’m going to drink anyway,” I said, “So probably shouldn’t.”

Pat handed two or three little white pills to Cole and he swallowed them going into the bathroom and getting a handful of water from the sink. It felt weird watching them take drugs but I think it was only weird to me because I didn’t cope the same way. I knew for a fact that when I couldn’t drink I felt like I wanted to be dead and when I was drunk I didn’t really care. For a second I thought about it, taking up the offer but then I thought about how it would be a different buzz or high, whatever you want to call it and I didn’t it seemed like a good idea. Cole dropped his towel like it was nothing and started pulling stuff from his bag his back turned. It was weird to me at first and then I remembered we’d had sex so was it really a big deal?

He was right when he stated earlier it’s not like I hadn’t seen him naked so whatever. And here I was sitting here in my underwear still. Pat did the same thing and I remember instantly feeling a little nervous my heart jumping into my stomach in a good way. I turned my head quickly just as Cole was putting his shirt over his head and I eyed me curiously and I could feel myself blushing and I shrugged and Cole wrinkled his nose at me.

“Man I wish we had more smokes,” Pat muttered behind me.

“Really that shirt?” Cole asked Pat shooting me a look I think to hint to me that Pat was dressed.

“What? I like this shirt,” he said and I turned around.

He was wearing a big t-shirt with Ren and stimpy on it that looked totally retarded. I started laughing and he gave me an annoyed look “I love this cartoon at least I’m not under dressed he said motioning to me, “You might want to fix that before my Dad comes around.” He added.

I felt a cold chill start in the middle of my spine and travel out to my limbs like I had just stepped into a shower of ice, “yeah,” I said, “You guys want to come upstairs where I’ll find some clothes, we have food up there, not a lot mostly like goldfish and animal crackers but you know, foods food.” I added.

“Yeah you think the guys are up?” Pat asked enthusiastically.

“You wanna play Mario that bad with the 8 year olds huh?” Cole laughed.

“Hey man, it’s fun, they aren’t bad kids,” he added brightly, “Let’s go.”

“All right,” I said opening the door and we walked to the elevator.

Pat hit the call button and we waited a second when the doors opened my mum was there. And we all kind of took each other in her noticing my lack of proper clothing, “Oh geese,” my mum said and I could see her shock as the realization hit her as she shook her head.

“Mum,” I said trying to get her to keep it together as she started crying and Cole and Pat watched awkwardly.

“Should we wait?” Cole whispered in my ear.

“No come on boys, please,” my mum nodded her head through her tears and moved aside so we could step into the elevator.

“So how did you sleep?” Pat asked my mum seeming very calm almost in a daze like way.

This caused her to stop and look closely at him her tears drying lightly, “Oh dear baby Jesus and Mother Mary help me," she muttered, You’re higher than a kite isn’t you?”

“Not yet,” Pat commented, “I didn’t take nearly enough for that. The kids won’t notice I promise,” he smiled lightly.

“When are you guys leaving?” My mum asked.

“Soon why?” He asked.

“You’re not bad kids but I don’t want this in my house,” she added, “Understand my position and John doesn’t need to be exposed to it.”

“Mum,” I started to protest.

“Don’t start John. I get you don’t have many friends but I can’t watch you hang out with people who do this honey I’m sorry,” she said looking at me and I could see that Cole and Pat weren’t going to defend themselves or their behavior but seemed hurt that she was basically saying we couldn’t hang out.

“Can I talk to you when we get upstairs?” I asked her and she nodded her head, “Alone in my room?” I clarified and she again nodded in agreement.

“Pat, Cole could you please wait in the kitchen? You can help yourselves to snacks,” she said as they went into the kitchen and we continued down the hall where we went into my bedroom and shut the door.

“Why did you tell me they took drugs?” she asked me angrily.

“Would you let me hang out with them if I did?” I asked her.

“Of course not!” she almost yelled, “John you have enough problems without hanging out with people who will encourage that type of behavior. I understand things are hard for them and for you but…”

I broke her off. “No mum you don’t know. Don’t pretend you do you have no idea what it’s like and trust me you’d want to be smashed all the time too,” I said defending not just them but myself.

“Maybe I would know if you would tell me. You keep it all inside John how am I supposed to help you deal with it if you won’t talk about?” she asked me.

I felt my face burn in both embarrassment and anger, “You really want me to tell you? You want me to tell you how when you were gone for three months’ dad fucked me every night? And yes I mean that you want me to tell you how I had to share a bed with him every night so he wouldn’t do it to someone else? Do you want details too?” As I said this her face went pale white, “You saw the video I know you did I know you’re not stupid and yet you want to understand it and you can’t? What do you think I want to? Do you think I’m ok with this? No mum I’m NOT OK this is not ok if you want me to function I need to be buzzed ok? You get it they aren’t really anymore drug addicts then I am.”

“John, I know you have a problem ok, I know your Da is a big part of that problem and I’m working on getting us help but you need to stop and you can’t hang out with people who will reinforce your bad habit ok? I can’t let you do that.” She sighed, “I’m sorry ok.”

“Who else am I supposed to hang out with? I can’t hang out with normal people I don’t even know what to say to normal people mum. How do you socialize when literally in your free time you’re… fuck,” I sighed and without even really stopping to think about it instinctively reached under my bed pulling out the half full liter of Vodka and uncapping and taking a big drink before she could even really move.

“John No,” My mum said reaching to take it away from me as I moved back from her and put my hand into her chest harder than I meant to shoving her a bit which I did not mean to do. For a minute we both stopped surprised.

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled.

“I will get us out of here ok, I have a plan I swear John.” She started to say again.

“Yeah you’ve said that before a plan you won’t tell anyone about. Just that it’s going to take time well guess what without this, I waved the bottle at her that she had stopped trying to take from me, I don’t have time,” I said harshly.

She blinked at me, “John you’re being cut off and you’re starting AA,” she said to me forcefully, “You’ll be sober when we leave this house I swear to god.”

“You think he’s going let me leave?” I asked her my heart dropping into the pit of my stomach, “He’d be more likely to let me leave in a body bag than any other way and maybe I’m just deciding to help him.” I said.

“John don’t you dare say that,” she said looking at me and taking the bottle away.

“You’re just pissed because he would rather fuck me then you,” I said before I realized what was coming out of my mouth.

We both stood there dead silent staring at each other for a moment and then she put the bottle down on my dresser and sighed as she started towards the door, “Hate me all you like too but I won’t let you kill yourself and I don’t want you hanging out with those boys. Not until they get some help like I’m going to get you,” she said not even really addressing my last comment, “I have to go feed Mary and Seamus, get dressed and do whatever it is you’re going to do until they leave, when they are gone you are grounded up here no leaving the floor you understand me?” she said.

“Yes mam,” I said knowing that I shouldn’t say anything else and I was skating on really thin ice.

I knew she wouldn’t tell my Da I said that because it would make him beyond angry and I could tell she was hurt but I didn’t understand in what way exactly. Yes, I had said it to hurt her to make her upset but I hadn’t really meant to say it at all. She left and closed the door and I quickly got dressed and came out to find Cole and Pat in the family room at the far end of the floor sitting there with the tv off.

“Your mom is pissed,” Pat laughed lightly while Cole just sat there calmly.

“You think?” I sighed.

Will came up the hallway at me, “Thanks for that John she bailed again so guess who gets to watch everyone?” Will hissed at me.

“She bailed?” I asked confused.

“She took Mary and Seamus downstairs and told me to watch everyone else,” he fumed, “What did you say to her?”

“None of your damn business,” I said back.

“Whatever it was you made her cry so I don’t know what you did but you better fix it,” he said.

“I made her cry? I’d cry all fucking day long if I didn’t…” I stopped speaking.

“Then maybe you need to.” Will stated staring at me, “Thank you for ruining my day and taking time out of my life so you can have a fit.”

“Ouch!” Pat shouted behind me and I turned to see Cole giving him a dirty look and shaking his head.

“Come on guys let’s go downstairs, maybe we can grab something to drink and sneak out of the house before your dad’s want to leave,” I said getting up off the couch and Cole and Pat followed me to the elevator.

“Where are we going,” Cole asked still seeming creepily calm.

“Fuck Cole how much did you take?” I asked started to get weirded out.

“He took like three which is more than I took and frankly I need more,” Pat said, “Can we stop at the room and grab our shit so I can take a couple more, you should take some too because man you got pissed.”

“She tried to take my vodka,” I said.

“She’s your mum you think she likes living like this? Watching this happen? At least your mum cares all right? That’s more than I can say for mine, mine walked out.” He hissed at me, “Feel lucky she loves you enough that she doesn’t want you doing drugs that she doesn’t want you hurting yourself.”

“Don’t even Pat,” I hissed back, “You want to talk about people hurting me?”

“Dude,” Cole sighed, “Come on let’s not go there please you’re ruining my roll.”

“I’m grabbing my shit and I’ll be downstairs,” Pat rolled his eyes at us pushing past us and going into the guest suite slamming the door quiet loudly.

“John? Can I talk to you for a second?” Cole asked me seriously.

“What?” I asked.

“No I mean like somewhere else,” He said.

“Fine, office,” I said going to a closed door and opening it. It wasn’t my Da’s office but the spare office with a desk with a computer that we didn’t often use and bare walls with a tiny bookshelf with a few books, “What?” I asked again.

“I told you he has mom issues why did you have to go yelling at yours?” he asked.

“Because she’s so stupid,” I said, “she said I couldn’t hang out with you guys and that you were a bad influence.”

“One we are and two you probably shouldn’t, you think she could really stop you from seeing us anyway? Trust me if our dads are here we’re probably going to be here and she can’t really tell your Dad what to do or else she wouldn’t be in this mess and neither would you at least I hope not.” He said, “So just chill out she can’t do anything about you hanging out with us and I know I want to hang out with you, you’re cool and we don’t have many friends.” Cole said, “Be nice to him ok he’s got issues.”

“I didn’t mean to you know? Get angry at him and say that I mean,” I said.

“I know. You have the biggest crush on him I realize,” Cole said.

I felt my face turning pink, “What?” I asked.

“Surprised me honestly because I thought you were straight,” Cole just shrugged, “I won’t tell and he won’t notice trust me.”

“I-I don’t know what I am,” I stammered, “I mean I haven’t really had a chance to think about it.”

“It’s ok Pat is…he’s a good guy it’s hard not to crush on him,” Cole commented, “If I wasn’t so close to him I would probably have a crush on him too. Before Justin I did I had the biggest fucking crush but Justin he was something.” Cole smiled at the thought, “Fuck I miss him.”

“Where did you guys get super into the drugs? Because I thought you were just drinking,” I asked him.

“Oh no, like last year was the first time I used a downer. Flynn gave it to me because I don’t think me or Justin could have really been camera ready without it. After that I was hooked. It’s great not having to think. It puts you on autopilot. If you notice you’re flipping your shit and I’m just,” he shrugged.

“Do they do a lot of movies with you?” I asked Cole.

He sat down in the office chair and started to spin himself and circles, “Kind of,” he sighed after he had stopped spinning.

“I’m tired I think I need a nap,” he added.

Just then there was a knock on the door, “Pat?” Cole asked.

“Nope it’s me,” I heard Arthur say from the other side of the door and I felt my stomach lurch, “Get your stuff let’s go home,” he said.

“all right,” Cole said and rolled his eyes getting up, “It was fun mostly,” he said, “We’ll have to hang out on our own sometime.”

“For sure,” I said and Cole opened the door yawning.

“Pat’s already downstairs,” Arthur commented as Cole walked down the hallway and I exited the office as Cole headed into the bedroom sweet to get his shoes and stuff.

Arthur stared at me coolly and then commented, “Thanks for the good time kid. Maybe I’ll have to spend some alone time with you.” Which sent a shiver down my spine causing me to back up a few steps.

He took a few steps towards me and I could feel my body shaking and I bit back a bunch of obscenities as I hoped Cole would hurry up and just then he came out back into the hall way. “I got my stuff we can go,” Cole said to his Dad looking at him, “Are we really going home?” he asked.

“Yes,” he answered, “No Villa just home for now, I have to edit some stuff,” he said, “Then I can send it out to Tony for the final edit and we can cut it and start selling it.” He said looking at me and I could feel my cheeks get warmer.

“Thank you,” Cole said to his Dad, “See you later,” he said turning to me.

“Yeah, see you,” I said as they walked down the hall to the elevator pressed the button and got into the lift descending down to the second floor where I knew they would walk down the stairs and probably out the front door.

I went into the guest suite mostly because I didn’t want to go back upstairs yet and I saw the room was mostly clean other than an empty pack of ciggs on the dresser and a small note written on the back of a random paper. “I know you’re upset and today isn’t going well, it started out shitty. Things will be ok shoot me an email, you can email Pat too our emails are PTracks@aol.com and CKing86@aol.com we’ll make plans to hang out, probably at my house. Hear from you soon.”

I sat down at the computer and booted it up which wasn’t something I did often. I logged into my email account and wrote both Pat and Cole an email and then I checked some of the other emails. There was one or two from some of the guys I went to boarding school with asking me how I was and if it was weird being home. I wrote some generic replies, “Yeah everything’s fine, weird having my own room etc.…” and then as soon as I was done another new email popped up. I knew who it was from instantly mostly because of his username BigBen@aol.com. “Yeah, fuckin A,” I thought and signed out. Like I’m going to really reply to that. I didn’t even honestly have any interest in what it was he had to say probably that he was sorry and Da had forgiven him and he was going to give mum some time to chill because Da would allow him to come back.

Like I didn’t have enough problems in my life at the moment. I startled rifling through desk drawers out of curiosity and found some tequila actually like 3 liters of it stashed in the very bottom drawer of the desk. I sat there and just chilled for a while cracking one open and taking drinks every couple of minutes until I felt my head started swimming and my body get warm in that good way starting at my face and working its way down my neck into my limbs. Eventually I put the cap back on and set it down on the desk and when I stood up the room swayed lightly. I made my way down the hall and into the guest room and decided to crash there for a while well I allowed myself to sleep my buzz down a little bit.


	13. 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John can't take it anymore. He's tired and on the edge of sanity. He feels like there is nothing that he can do and he feels bad that his mum is blaming herself. He's still trying and hasn't given up but, feels like he can't take anymore. He talks with his mum about some stuff but is finding it harder and harder to cope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Rape/non-con, emotional anguish, underage drinking. I think I'm late in posting this week I might post another chapter later tonight to make up for it. Comment if you want. Thank you to everyone who has given me Kudos and bookmarked atleast it lets me know someone is reading this.

I must have been asleep for at least a little while when I heard the door open. I turned over keeping my eyes closed thinking it was probably my Da coming to bother me and I felt them sit down the bed and was expecting them to wrap their arms around my waist but instead I felt a light tap on my shoulder and I opened my eyes to find my mum.

“Come on John, take this,” she said handing me some aspirin for the raging headache I had. I took it and swallowed it with the glass of water she handed me.

“How did you know?” I asked her.

“I was young once,” she sighed looking at me, “Drinking and getting drunk is something even I did once,” she said, “However you’re still even a little young for drinking, even back home. It doesn’t make me happy.” She said.

“I noticed,” I said sarcastically, “How did you know I was here?” I asked her.

“I used the com after they all left and asked Will if you were up there and he said no. This is a good place to be alone for a little while. You’re Da comes up here to his office when he’s awake and wants to be alone so I figured it might be a good place to start looking,” she said, “I didn’t come up here to fight I came to talk.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, “About what I said I just, I need people mum and they can relate. I don’t want to be alone in this.”

“You’re not alone honey,” she said, “Your brothers know exactly what you are going through.”

“Not exactly,” I sighed, “You have no idea how hard I try to keep them safe mum.”

“And you have no idea how hard I try to keep you safe. You realize I would have never agreed to have them over if I had known,” she said.

“Would he have let you say no or would he have locked you away in your bedroom and had them over anyway? Like he used to when I was little and Uncle Ben would come over.” I asked her.

“You remember that?” She asked me surprised.

“I remember a lot of things,” I answered, “I know better than you expect you to stop him.”

“What else do you remember?” she asked me gently.

“A lot of screaming that I didn’t understand back then,” I sighed, “A lot of locked doors I was too short to reach, a lot of things.”

“I’m a shit mum,” she muttered.

“Not really,” I replied, “You’re just stuck in a shit place where you can’t fix things.”

“I should be able to keep you safe and I can’t,” she said, “You don’t think that makes me a shit mum?”

“No mum. I don’t think you’re a shit mum I think you do what you can just like me.” I Answered.

“We need to talk,” she said to me.

“We are talking,” I answered her, she smiled lightly and then her face turned sad, serious.

“No I mean about why I locked myself away in that room for days John.” She said, “About the video I saw.”

“Mum, I can’t please,” I sighed covering my eyes with my hand.

“John the reason I hid was because I saw something that devastated me. It made me realize exactly how bad this is not just for you but for everyone. It made me regret ever staying with him from the first moment your uncle ever hurt you. I should have left then but I didn’t think your da would…” she trailed off for a moment, “I didn’t think he would change like he did. I mean I knew when I married him he had problems but I thought they would get better that I could make him better not that it would get worse. He’s not supposed to…” I cut her off.

“I know,” I said.

“I’m not sure you do. The way he looked at you the way he…” she swallowed back tears, “The things he did in that video. All of it, If I didn’t think I would be leaving you trapped here after seeing that video knowing I would be even less able to protect you from it … I almost had myself convinced you would all be better off without me.”

“That’s not true at all, Will is breaking you can’t keep leaving him alone. We can’t,” I said.

“Oh my boy,” she sighed, “I know Will is having problems but I’m worried about you.”

“I can take care of myself mum. As long as I have what I need I’m fine. Take care of them and I’ll do what I can to keep him away ok?” I said.

“Drinking yourself into oblivion isn’t taking care of yourself. Have you been writing it in your journal?” she asked me.

I shook my head, “Not really. I don’t see how it will help.”

“Having a record will help when we get out of here so I can hand it over to police and get him and your uncle put away forever. It could help you process it better and help with therapy when I can get in to see someone.” She answered me.

“You keep saying when we get out, how do you know we ever will? He won’t just let us leave you know? Not with me. You’d be better off taking everyone else and running,” I said.

“Never. You understand me? We’re all going to get out of here I can’t tell you when or how but we will. I would never leave you behind in this mess if anything I would send all of you away somewhere where he couldn’t find you and I’d stay behind not you. Never you ok?” she said fiercely.

“You know I didn’t mean it, right? When I said that he would rather do stuff to me then be with you,” I said.

“No, you meant it,” she said, “it’s the truth I think and one that scares the shit out of me.” She said and then looked at me closely, “what?” she asked me.

“What?” I replied confused.

“You just gave me this weird look,” she answered.

“You don’t usually swear a lot, not in front of us anyway,” I said.

“Ah, didn’t know your old mum could swear like a sailor huh?” she said.

“Whatever it is you’re going to do I hope you do it fast because things are getting really hard,” I said.

“I agree,” she said, “The reason I won’t tell you what I’m planning is not because I don’t have a solid plan because I do trust me but because I don’t want him to torture it out of you or for you to let it slip accidentally. That’s why I won’t tell anyone. I’m hoping having Karen around will help keep you guys safe in the meantime.” She said.

“You mean make him behave? Maybe a little I guess,” I said reflexing on moments when Karen was in the house compared to when she wasn’t. He did seem to be more hands off when Karen was around.

“He wants more kids you know?”

“He’s mentioned it yes,” she replied to me, “He’s not getting any more from me though,” she stated.

“Doesn’t it kind of just happen though?” I asked, being a boy I had no idea what birth control was and being catholic made it so I had even less of a clue.

“Yes,” she said, “there are things you can do to help though. Don’t tell your Da I said that I’m not supposed to know.” She said.

“Ok,” I answered, “I’m beyond tired lately mum.”

“I know honey, I’m hoping now that he’s had his fun he might stop for a while,” she said to me, “I’ll see if I can get him away for longer than a day shortly here, give you a break yeah?”

“I don’t want a break I want it to stop,” I said and I could feel the lump in the throat.

“I know me too,” she said, “It will I promise you just have to hold on a little longer. Until then I’ll try and get him to let up in any way I can ok?”

“I know,” I sighed.

“Are you hungry?” My mum asked me, “You haven’t eaten today.” She stated.

“No not really,” mumbled, I wasn’t hungry I usually didn’t feel hungry at all I usually just felt sick to my stomach.

“I would like you to come upstairs and eat, maybe spend some time with Catty. She’s been jealous lately.” My mum said.

“Jealous?” I asked confused.

“That you’re spending time with Pat and Cole instead of her,” she said.

“Ah,” I said nodding, “I’ll spend some time with her,” I said.

“She idolizes you, you know?” My mum said as I got up off the bed and we started walking down the hall to the elevator.

“I know. I don’t understand why but,” I shrugged.

“Because you’re her big brother,” Mum answered simply, “The boys idolize you too John you just wouldn’t think it.” She added.

“Not Will,” I sighed.

“You and Will are the closest in age,” she said, “I know with your Aunt Hannah I used to fight a lot when we were wee,” she said, “It’ll get better.”

“Nah,” I said knowing that Da was a big part of the problem my relationship with Will was having but not wanting to mention it to mum because of embarrassment.We were willing to do things so others didn’t have to but that didn’t mean we wanted to that and I think Will was very much pissed I was so stubborn in trying to protect him when he felt he didn’t need my protecting and I was very sure he still did.

“No, it will trust me,” she said, “You’ll be best friends one day I swear.” She said again as we stepped into the elevator. She punched her code and then looked at me closely.

“What?” I asked as she stared at me for a second.

“You, something about the way you carry yourself. You’ve changed,” she said not really explaining herself very well.

“Wouldn’t you? Haven’t you?” I asked her.

“Yes, I have I just wish I hadn’t let this change you,” she sighed, “You were such a happy kid for a while despite it. Remember that one Christmas in London? Your Da took you and Will and the twins out ice skating and to the cinema and then when you came home you opened presents late. Do you remember what he got you?” she asked me.

“My remote-controlled airplane,” I said, “I loved that thing until Will and I accidentally smashed it into the wall like what six months later?” I asked, “I remember you guys brought Will The Lord of the Rings leather bound hard cover, he still has those.” I said.

“That’s the thing about books, especially ones that are well bound they don’t break easy,” she said.

“I suppose not,” I agreed.

When the elevator door opened, it opened to chaos. Andrew was running around without a diaper on and Laura was crying, While Catty was covering her ears and frowning. “Oh my goodness!” My mum shouted over the screams.

“What happened?” I shouted over the noise.

“Don’t ask me I don’t even know,” Will said picking Laura up off the floor and handing her to mum.

“I’m a flower!” Andrew smiled happily at me when he saw me.

“Well, even flowers need to wear their diapers until they can use the big boy potty,” I said, “Do you know where your diaper is?”

“No diaper! I’m a flower,” he stated again.

“Come here,” I said picking him up and walking him to the nursey, “Were you mean to sissy?” I asked him.

“No, I not mean I’m a flower” he stated again.

“Well Mr. Flower we’re going to put one of these on,” I said getting him a diaper and sitting on the floor putting it back on, “There we go. Do you know what happened to make Laura so sad?” I asked again.

“She’s sleepy,” he answered simply.

“Are you tired?” I asked him.

“No, I’m a fl---,” I cut him off.

“You’re a flower, yes I understand but are you a flower that’s sleepy and needs to go night night?” I asked him.

“Story and then sleepy?” He asked me.

I sighed, “Yes, can we put PJ’s on though?” I asked.

He stopped as if he were thinking about it carefully and then shook his head, “yes,” he said.

“Andy, yes is up and down,” I said nodding my head, “this is yes,” and then I shook my head from side to side, “this is no.”

“Oh, story?” he asked again going over to the changing table and pulling a shirt out of it and handing it to me to help him dress.

I picked up the shirt and noticed the butterflies and smiling sun on it. “I think this is Laura’s shirt for day time,” I said crawling on my knees over to the changing table and putting it back in the drawer, “Let’s try this one?” I asked pulling out a shirt with stars and a moon on it that was blue.

“Ok,” he said and held his arms up to help me get the shirt on.

“There you go,” I said pulling it over his head and helping him get his arms in, “There you go beautiful flower boy,” I said kissing his nose.

“The bat book?” he asked climbing into his toddler bed.

“Ok,” I said reaching up and grabbing Stella Luna from the self of children’s books on the nursey wall just as mum came in carrying Laura. Who was sucking her thumb and leaning into mum’s shoulder.

“Laura you want a story too?” I asked her and she nodded her head her thumb still in her mouth, “Ok,” I said sitting down on the floor as mum tucked Laura into her own bed, I started to read, “In a warm and sultry forest far far away…” Next time I looked up there were both sleeping and I quietly got up and left closing the door behind me.

I walked out to the kitchen and there was a sandwich there waiting for me with some chips, “Where’s the sippy cup?” I joked to mum’s back her face buried in the fridge.

“I can get you one but I thought you were a little old,” she joked back not missing a beat.

“Yeah probably,” I sighed sitting down on a stool and eating, “Did you ever figure out why Laura was crying?” I asked her curiously.

“No, I’m assuming she just wanted attention.” She answered pulling a bottle out of the fridge.

“Andy said she was sleepy,” I said and mum nodded.

“Could have been, don’t know they are an odd pair just like the boys were at that age,” she sighed.

“I Think Matty and Mikey are still weird mum,” I said, “Sometimes when I’m sitting with them it’s like they are having a conversation when no one is saying anything at all.”

“Twins,” mum shook her head, “Can you read Catty and James to sleep too?” she asked me “in about 20 minutes or so.”

“Sure,” I answered, “Karen coming over tomorrow?” I asked.

“Yes,” Mum answered simply, popping the bottle into the microwave, “You get your cast off in two weeks you know?” she reminded me.

“Yeah, Monday morning before school starts, right?” I asked curiously.

“After,” she answered me.

“Really?” I rolled my eyes.

“Really Honey I’m sorry I don’t have time before school,” she answered, “After though it’s just one day you can handle one day, right?” she asked me.

“Yeah it’s my first day at school though,” I sighed, “I don’t want to start school in a cast everyone is going to want to know how I broke it.”

“You still haven’t told me how that happened,” She said.

“I’m not going to,” I said putting down the chip I was holding having finished my sandwich a few moments earlier.

“There you nothing you could tell me now that would shock me. I know he did it or your uncle or one of his friends, you can tell me.” She sighed as the microwave beeped.

I just shook my head in reply, “Means I have to think about it if I’m going to talk about it. If I don’t talk about it, it didn’t happen,” I said.

“If that were a true statement you wouldn’t be stuck with a cast until next Monday,” she pointed out, “Did you ever write it down in the journal I brought you?”

“Yes,” I said because I had in fact written it down. I hadn’t written everything down. I don’t think I ever did there were things that I didn’t write about until weeks after because I couldn’t or didn’t want to process them when they did happen however when she gave me the journal that was one of the first things I ever wrote in it.

“Can I read it?” she asked me.

“No,” I shook my head in reply.

“Ok,” she sighed, “I can respect that but I do really wish you would tell me,” she said popping the other bottle into the microwave.

“It was stupid mum ok? I did it myself,” I sighed pinching the bridge of my nose.

“How?” she asked me and I just shook my head, “So he did have something to do with it didn’t he? Then how can you blame yourself?”

“It was an accident ok, I got scared and I did something stupid that’s all you need to know. It’s my fault it happened it’s almost off so can we please just drop it?” I glared at her.

“Ok,” she nodded her head sensing I was about to get angry, “You want to go take care of Catty and James for me while I feed the twins and Malachy?” she asked replacing the 2nd bottle with a 3rd and heating that one up as well.

“Yeah,” I said getting up from the table, “thank you for making me food.” I said walking across the hallway to the living room, “Catty, James I’ll read you a bedtime story if you come with me and get in bed,” I said.

“Really?” Catty’s eyes lit up in excitement.

“Scouts honor,” I said and she ran at me giving me a huge hug around the legs.

We read the story in James’ room and when I was done I walked Catty across the hall and tucked her in.

“John?” she said quietly as I turned to leave.

“Yeah?” I asked her.

“Why do you hate mum?” she asked me.

“Oh Catty I don’t hate mum,” I said sitting back down on the foot of her bed, “Da isn’t always nice to me and I get upset so I yell sometimes and I’m mean. I don’t mean to take it out on mum though,” I said.

“I’ve never seen Da be mean,” she said quietly, “he’s weird though.”

“What do you mean Catty?” I asked confused.

“He’s just weird,” she said.

“Yeah,” I nodded my head in agreement, “he can be very mean too though. It’s hard to explain you’ll understand when you’re older.”

“Is that why your neck is always bruised because he’s mean?” she asked me which made me instinctively touch the hickys on my neck that were in various stages of healing.

“Yeah,” I nodded, “He says mean things to me too though.”

“Like what?” she asked curious and I was glad it was dark because I could feel myself starting to tear up.

“I’ll tell you later,” I said and I could hear my voice trying to stay even.

“I didn’t mean to make you sad, I’m sorry,” she said.

“You didn’t firefly,” I answered her, “Go to sleep and have good dreams ok?”

“Ok, goodnight John, I love you,” she said.

That made me smile sadly, “I love you too Catty,” I said and shut the door behind me.

I walked down the hall and before I turned the corner I could hear a discussion. “Come on Will give it to me, I swear the yellow wire goes in that hole,” I heard Matt say.

“Matty I have the instructions right here it’s says it goes in the other hole, see here look?” I came into the room and Will was pointing at a picture inside a little booklet and they were standing in front of the tv a new game counsel on the floor between them.

“Hooking up the PlayStation?” I asked them.

“Yeah, but why does it go in that hole wouldn’t it make more sense if it went in the other one?” Matty asked.

“I have no idea I didn’t make the thing I’m just trying to hook it to the tv and make it work,” Will sighed, taking the yellow wire and putting it where the booklet told him to.

“I don’t know why we can’t just keep playing with the Nintendo,” Mike sighed.

“Better graphics Mike,” Matty said, “Don’t you want it to look cooler?” he asked.

“I just want to play Mario,” Mike shook his head.

“This has way cooler games, you get to shoot things,” Matty said.

“I don’t want to shoot things, I want to play Mario,” Mike stated again.

“We need another tv up here,” I sighed.

“Yeah, John can you reach behind there and get to the aux port?” Will asked.

“Yeah sure,” I say walking over and getting the ground beside them pulling the TV forward slightly on its stand, the big black box feeling super heavy me being surprised I managed to make it move.

“Here put that in the red hole on the back of the TV,” he said pointing to the red Aux cable which I did and then he told me where to put the yellow and the white as well, while he plugged them into the PlayStation, “Turn on the tv,” he told me and I hit the button before I pushed the tv back and he turned it to channel 3 and sure enough there was a loading screen.

“Yes!” Matty exclaimed.

“You do realize it’s almost bed time, right?” I asked Matty.

“Oh come on John!” He moaned, “It’s the last week of break and we just got it yesterday, can’t we stay up just a little late?” he asked me.

“You have to go ask mum that,” I said.

“She’s going to say no,” Mikey said to him.

“Right?” Matty replied and I couldn’t tell whether he was asking Mikey a question or agreeing with his assumption, “Can’t you just let us stay up a half hour longer than normal?” Matty asked me.

“No,” Will said standing up, “You can play it in the morning, and don’t disturb mum to ask she’s getting the babies down.” He added.

“Always the babies,” Matty sighed, “Why are there so many babies?” he shook his head.

“You know you love them,” I sighed.

“No I don’t their annoying,” Matty glared at me, “Like for real I swear I do more homework with Will then mum or Da.”

“You don’t think I help?” I asked incredulously.

“You do just you’ve been doing other things,” Matty added, “I’m so tired of babies why can’t they grow faster?”

I laughed back at him. “They grow plenty fast, I remember when you were a baby,” I smiled.

“Not fast enough, if they grew faster maybe we could play with them,” he said, “Babies can’t play PlayStation.”

“No they can play cars and toy soldiers though,” I said.

“No they can’t,” Matty argued. “He’s right,” Mikey said, “Andy just puts them in his house and throws them across the bedroom.”

“That’s still playing,” I shrugged, “He will get older and then you’re right he’ll be more fun to play with, just give him time. You guys used to say James was no fun and now he’s not so bad, right?” I asked them.

“Yeah,” they said in unison after a moment.

“See? Give Andy time and he’ll be just as fun as James and Catty,” he said.

“Now go get ready for bed, I want you in bed so mum can tuck you in when she’s done feeding the babies,” I said.

“You’re so bossy,” Mikey said getting up off the couch.

“It’s our jobs to be bossy,” Will said turning off the tv, “I’m going to bed early too. I think everyone should go to bed actually.” Will said looking at me.

“It doesn’t sound like a bad idea,” I said in agreement, “Might be nice to catch up on some sleep.”

“Like you don’t sleep enough?” Matty asked, “You go to bed like an hour after we do and then don’t wake up until like noon.” I balked at him silently.

Will coughed, “John does a lot of stuff that makes him super tired,” he said looking at me.

“Yeah and I’m growing you know that makes you tired, right?” I asked them.

“Growing doesn’t make you tired!” Mikey nearly yelled, “If that were true I’d be tired all the time.”

“Well, are you hungry all the time?” I asked him.

“Yeah, so?” he said.

“Well when you’re younger growing makes you hungry when you’re older it makes you tired,” I lied and I saw Will smile lightly at that.

“Yeah see? John knows what’s up he’s tired because he’s getting so tall,” Will said.

“Oh please,” Matty rolling his eyes.

“What?” Mikey asked and Matty looked closely at him and cocked his head. Mikey’s eyes then got really big and he just said “oh!” like he caught something we didn’t.

I just shook my head.

“Is that what we’re calling it I guess growing taller?” Will said.

“Sure I guess,” I shrugged.

“All right, well I think it’s a good time for bed for everyone,” Will said again.

“Agreed,” I said walking up to the light switch, “Come on guys’ bed,” I said waiting for everyone to leave the living room and turning off the light.

“Ok, I’m getting up super early though I want to play resident evil,” Matty said walking down the hallway towards their room, Mikey following close behind who muttered, “I would still rather play Mario.” Under his breath.

“You really going to bed John,” Will stopped and turned to me.

“Yeah for real you?” I asked.

“I think I might read for a while but then yeah,” he said.

“Ok goodnight,” I said walking to my bedroom door and shutting it behind me once I was safe inside my room.

It actually didn’t take me long to fall asleep and even though I wasn’t buzzed I didn’t have a headache either for the first time in weeks. I thought I might actually end up getting decent sleep that night but I sadly was wrong. I had probably been asleep long enough for everyone else to fall away into dreams and way past the time mum had wandered downstairs to her own bed because I felt someone sit on the foot of my bed lightly and it startled me causing me to jump awake.

Sitting there in just his boxers was my Da watching me quietly. My whole body immediately felt like it had been hit by ice water as I looked at him and sat up slowly. I clenched my eyes shut and pinched the bridge of my nose opening them back up slowly hoping I was dreaming the first time I opened my eyes but nope he was still sitting there staring at me.

“Da?” I asked softly.

“I just wanted some time with you,” he said climbing out of his boxers and throwing them on the floor, crawling from the foot of the bed and straddling me through my blankets and comforter.

I gulped. I was beyond tired and stone cold sober, I couldn’t deal with this right now, “Da,” I said again softly, imploringly.

“shhh,” he said shifting his weight slightly so he could move the sheets out from under him, “you’re ok,” he said his hand brushing up my good arm and across my t-shirt gently as I tried to keep breathing.

“Can I use the D word?” I whispered.

“Are you going to tell me what I can or cannot do?” he asked me.

I remained silent so he sighed unstraddling me and moving to lay beside me in my twin bed pressed close beside me because the bed was so small. “You need a bigger bed baby,” he whispered his lips so close to my ear the air moving tickled making me twitch as his hand landed on my hip opposite the side of me he was laying on gently worming its way under the waistline of my underwear to rest against my bare skin.

I bite my lips together to keep myself from making a sound of protest as I laid there frozen. I could feel my mind starting to blank out as he slowly started pulling my boxers down my legs using his one hand and he kissed my bicep and collar bone through my shirt his other hand intertwining itself with my good hand as both my arms laid in the pillows above my head as if I were being told to put my hands up by cops.

After I didn’t give him a response he sighed lightly into my ear straddling me again, “You know if I wanted to work for it I would go to your mum, right?” he asked me, “Your mum is work you’re play,” he whispered moving his one hand up the hem of my shirt gliding it up my chest.

I impulsively moved to pull it back down and he grabbed my good arm hard pinning it back in place above my head, “Don’t,” he hissed at me, “I gave you this body and I’ll do what I want with it you understand me?” he said as I stared at him wide eyed and fearful.

I knew I couldn’t do this. Not tonight I kept thinking, not tonight, please god just not tonight. He moved to unstraddle me again but stayed leaning over me but moving my legs slowly apart and up so my knees were bent. I wanted to beg but I bit back my words afraid I was going to piss him off and I squeezed my eyes shut as I felt him move to enter me.

“Come on baby,” he said as he slid inside and my breath caught my eyes snapping open as he lightly put his hand over my mouth to make sure I didn’t make a sound, “Just give it a minute baby I’ll make it feel good I swear. You need some love after this week.” He whispered kissing the back of his hand he was holding over my mouth and waiting just a moment to be sure I wouldn’t make a noise when he moved him hand away to grab my wrist his other hand finding my hip to help guide himself in and out.

At first it was slow and shallow but then he went deeper and I whimpered which caused him to thrust even deeper, “Da,” I whispered my casted arm reaching up and putting it against his chest trying to push him away.

“No, no, baby come on you know it feels good, let yourself feel good,” he whispered leaning more of his body weight into me my breathing becoming even more shallow and rapid as he found his motion on top of me. My head tilting back despite myself tears starting to form behind my eyelids that I was squeezing shut trying to shut out what was happening. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want any of this. I felt like my mind and body were being ripped into two halves fragmenting, forming two different people and I couldn’t stand it the way my body was telling my brain to feel.

I started shaking my head and I could no longer fight back my tears. “Please sto…” I started to whine and he clamped one of his hands hard over my mouth.

“Shhh, you’ll wake someone baby you don’t want to wake anyone up, do you?” He asked me stopping his movement for a minute, “Or do you? You want them to see huh naughty boy?” he asked me smiling lightly at the thought of someone walking in on us.

I shook my head as much as the pressure his hand was putting on my face would allow me to, “You sure?” he asked me sneering. I nodded. “Ok then be quiet,” he said starting up again finding his rhythm as I laid there as frozen as I could while he did want he wanted his breath starting to come in sharper and sharper gasps as he got closer to climax and he kept hitting that spot inside me that made me jump and made me want to scream and my eyes go wide all at the same time.

“Yeah,” he moaned leaning his head close to my ear again as he began to reach climax his other hand finding its way back to my hip to keep rhythm his nose brushing against mine his tongue forcing its way past my lips so he could muffle his moan of ecstasy as he finished.

He climbed off me and laid beside me his one arm supporting his body weight as he leaned towards me the other running up and down my thigh and side under my shirt his hand brushing against my penis and his eyes widening. “Did I not make you finish?” he asked me looking worried, “Oh baby I can make you feel so good,” he whispered taking my penis in his fist and I grabbed the top of his hand forcefully which made him glare at me slightly, “No, let me it’s ok,” he whispered.

“Da,” I said feeling like I was outright ready to start screaming as my body started to slowly climax.

I squeezed my eyes shut. I wanted to die my skin under his hands I wanted it to melt away to turn to dust. I wanted to be nothing because that’s what I felt like I was. I was nothing. He kept stroking my breaths coming is light little gasps until I climaxed in his hand and he smiled at me gently, “see that felt good, didn’t it? You love me more than you love the leader, right?” he asked me, “I think I can make you cum again, cum harder than he did,” he said taking the hand I had just cum in and licking his palm making my stomach turn slightly, “You taste so sweet,” he said kissing my cheek as I quickly turned my head away so he missed my lips.

I saw his eyes flash in anger at me. For minute, I thought he was going to hit me as I tried to avoid looking directly into those eyes. Those eyes that burned right through my skin and into the very core of my being like a torch seeking out a bug, lighting it on fire and watching it twitch as it burned alive in the flames.

He sighed, “Don’t be like that, you do love me, more right?” he asked me.

I didn’t want to lie, I wanted to tell him the truth that I hated him and I hated the leader but that I hated myself more than I hated anyone else. I hated that I couldn’t stop him from doing what he wanted with me that I couldn’t stop my body from thinking it felt good, that I couldn’t protect my brothers or my sisters or my mum from him. I wanted so badly to scream at him how much I fucking hated him and wanted to set myself on fire while he held me roasting us both alive so that he could never hurt anyone else and I could never let them down again but I was afraid to.

The way his eyes looked I was afraid to even breathe and was amazed I hadn’t hyperventilated yet. I nodded my head and he seemed almost satisfied with my answer and he got up I was hoping he was leaving but he took the covers off the bed and crawled back up the coverless bed from the footboard his head level with my crotch. I bit hard into my cheek as he took me in his mouth until I climaxed the feeling of my body betraying me causing my mouth to open in a silent scream while he laid his body in-between my legs his arms circled around my thighs to keep me from trying to squirm away as I came my body shuttering as it fought itself every nerve raw and burning like it had been the night before and the night before that.

When he was done, he dragged his tongue along my waist line and then shoved it into my mouth again forcing me to kiss him back, forcing me to taste myself on his lips and his tongue. When he was done, he reached over us and grabbed the comforter off the floor pulling it over both of us and moving off me so he was lying beside me and he then held me tight to his chest curling his body around me like a python curling around its prey before it squeezed the last breath of life out of it.

I could feel my scream clawing at my stomach and throat trying to get out, the inside of my cheek burning and raw. I had to get away I knew if I didn’t I would either be dead because he killed me or because I couldn’t breathe and I pushed at him lightly causing him to hold me tighter.

“What’s wrong baby?’ he whispered into my ear me trying to keep my scream contained long enough to just get away and into the bathroom. Just please just give me long enough to get into the bathroom so I can bite into my hand and strangle the scream while it comes out, please god please just let him allow me to get up so I can breathe, “You’re ok,” he said looking at me kissing my forehead holding me tighter.

“I---I n-n-need t-t-to u-us-e t-th-the ba-bath-room,” I managed to stammer out without the scream ripping free of me and he loosened his grip allowing me to get up from the bed where I stumbled clumsily, blindly for the bathroom door and slammed it sitting with my back against it in case he decided to break the door down and I grabbed the closest solid thing to me, the bathroom rug and shoved it into my mouth and almost down my throat screaming into it using it to muffle my sobs. I must have sat there in the dark with that rug shoved into my mouth screaming for a good two or three minutes until I decided I didn’t have any screams left and I needed to breathe.

I got up on unsteady feet and nearly fell catching myself, using the bathroom sink and closing my eyes not wanting to see myself in the mirror. I was trying to think of something anything I could do to force myself to go back into that room with him before he busted in and then I saw it. The mouthwash on the bathroom sink a big bottle and I grabbed it downing as much of it as I could in one gulp burning my mouth and my throat as it went down my tears still hot and salty dripping down my face. I took a deep breath and drank another gulp of it and then turned on the sink and rinsed my face with handfuls of the icy cold water and then took a deep breath and turned around opening the door.


	14. 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John deals with the aftermath of his attack and learns horrible news. He deals with his mum and talks about some of his feelings towards her. Talks about how things are and he meets up with his new friends without supervision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I haven't updated in a while I will probably end up updating again sometime tomorrow night to make up for it or atleast try to. Lost of dialogue in this chapter. This chapter puts you at page 300 though so yay now you just have like 1445 pages left to read. Which is all I have written and he's about to turn 14 so we'll see how long this story actually goes for but that's including parts one and two.  
> Chapter warnings: Underage drinking, talk of underage drinking, rape, incest, talk of underage sex, homophobic slurs, under age smoking, talk of childhood sexual abuse, swearing

He was sitting up on the bed as if he had been about to come to the bathroom to check on me. I swallowed and folded my arms across my still dressed upper body, “Are you going to go back downstairs now?” I asked softly afraid to look at him.

“I thought I’d spend the night with you,” he answered, “I’ll talk to mum about getting you a bigger bed so it won’t be so crowded next time but this time it’s ok.”

“What about mum won’t she be freaked out when you’re not there when she wakes up?” I asked him.

“I told her I was going to wake up early and do some work in the office so, I doubt she’ll notice,” he replied, “come back to bed,” he said laying back down and patting the bed in front of him.

I raked my hand through my hair. I could feel every fiber of my being yelling at me, telling me I couldn’t I couldn’t get into that bed with him and my brain telling me that it wouldn’t be a good idea to deny him. That it would earn me a lot more trouble than it was worth. He sighed at me.

“Would you rather I spend the night with Will or Matt? Maybe James wants some company,” he commented making my heart drop into my stomach.

“No,” I shook my head.

“Then come on get in bed,” he said patting the bed again.

I exhaled and forced myself to take a step forward and then another finally reaching the bed where he reached out and grabbed my arm pulling me back into bed and into his chest my whole body tensing as he curled himself around me once more.

“I love you baby you’re my special boy you know that? I love that you’re still so soft but can’t wait to know what your body will be like when you mature.” His words stabbed at me, penetrating my soul like he had my body as he kissed the back of my neck and buried his head there for a minute my body turning into a petrified slab of hot sweaty marble turned flesh, “You smell like mouth wash,” he commented kissing the back of my neck making me jump slightly.

I shrugged, “My mouth tasted weird,” I excused the use of the mouth wash.

“Let’s sleep huh baby?” he said rubbing himself up against me like a cat or a dog might his one arm moving to rest under the pillow his other resting on my hip.

I nodded my head slowly and laid still. I don’t remember closing my eyes that night, I don’t remember sleeping but I don’t remember being awake either. I remember the sun slowly rising the light trickling in like little drops of water at first and then faster the light filtering through the blinds more and more aggressively like someone lighting a fire in a fire place, the flames small and giving off no heat at first but growing brighter and hotter as the moments ticked by.

I finally felt him stir and I snapped my eyes shut to pretend I was sleeping. I didn’t dare open my eyes until I heard my bedroom door open slowly and heard the knob click as he slid the door shut behind him.

I felt my screams fighting to bubble up again the moment I knew he was gone so I curled around myself bring my knees tightly into my chest and biting into my fist to make sure any sobs that escaped remained known to only me. I needed a drink. I knew I needed a drink and yet my mum had taken my stash from me the evening before. I felt exposed, damaged and broken and left without anything to cover me to drown me out and make me comfortably numb.

I must have laid there for quite a while longer after he left because I don’t remember moving again until I heard noises out in the hall way. By then I got up to shower turning on the water as hot as I could stand it and scrubbing my skin til it was raw and pink and my cast wet and soggy. When I got out I found the baggiest pair of jeans and shirt as well as hoody I owned and layered them knowing that I should make an appearance and getting to my door reaching for the knob and finding myself unable to move my hand to turn it. I stood there and stared at the door knob and I kept thinking once I leave this room everything is different. Nothing matters anymore. I couldn’t bring myself to open the door so climbed back onto the bed and curled back into a ball not bothering to find any sheets or the comforter to cover myself in, not that I wanted them anyway because I knew they smelled like him, smelled like us.

Sometime later My door opened, “John mummy said you were going to play with me today,” Catty said and then looked at me slowly, “John?” she said softly when I didn’t respond but continued to stare straight ahead almost as if she wasn’t there.

She came up to the bed and her hand hovered close to my shoulder which made me curl tighter into my ball. “Will!” Catherine called waddling to the door the sunlight from the skylight and windows out in the hallway ilium anting her red hair and white night gown in a strange way that made her look like a little angel that had fallen out of dreams of better times and landed somewhere close to reality but not quiet in it.

“Catherine what’s up?” Will asked as I heard his bare feet slap the wooden floor lightly with each step he took closer to the door.

“Something’s wrong, I don’t think he wants to play with me,” she said sadly, “mummy said he wanted to play with me when she tucked me in last night and that he said he would spend all day with me.”

Hearing the sadness in her voice made my heart break. I couldn’t reach out I felt the tears start falling from my eyes again. How did you explain to a five-year-old little girl you couldn’t move because you hated yourself? How do you explain that to anyone?

Will tapped the opened door with his fist and poked his head in the door, “John?” he asked and then stepped into the room turning on the light causing me to close my eyes and try to shield myself from it pulling my hoody up over my head trying to hide my face.

He turned off the light and fell back cracking the door, “John doesn’t feel well right now Catherine, can you go get mummy and tell her I need her to come here?” he asked her and I could see his shadow bending down to her level.”

“His he sick?” she asked Will.

“Yeah, go get mum please,” he said to her and her little feet retreated down the hall the light pitter patter of her steps sounding very different from Will’s.

Once she was gone Will opened the door. “John?” Will asked barely above a whisper coming back into the room. As he got to the foot of the bed I twitched and he must have seen it because he slowly came around to stand in front of me where I could see him and got down sitting on the floor, “John?” Will asked again not daring to come any closer.

When I didn’t answer he sighed, “I know you hear me,” he said, “He came up here last night didn’t he?” he asked.

I heard mum’s slow light steps in the hallway outside my bedroom her movement causing the shadows to dance on the floor she pushed on the door lightly, “Will what are you doing on the floor?” she asked confused.

“Cat found him like this,” I heard Will trying to keep his voice even as he glanced at my mum who was out of my line of sight.

“Oh,” I heard her utter and then start mumbling under her breath as she came into view, “Will, you know that number on the fridge I need you to call it,” she said coming and sitting next to Will.

“You know what’s wrong right?” He asked her eyeing her seriously.

“I’m pretty sure,” she said coming closer to the bed. I impulsively pushed myself as far up against the wall as I could be trying to avoid being touched and wishing I couldn’t be seen.

“Mum, you know what he did right?” he asked angrily and I winced the words hitting me hard. At first I thought he was referring to me and then he said something I wasn’t expecting, “he couldn’t just leave him alone could he? He’s done everything for us and Da made him fucking…”

My mum gasped. “Will!”

“Mum, you need to help him,” he said.

“Will, I’m trying I need you to go call the number on the fridge now,” she said flustered.

“Yeah, I’m going,” he said marching out of the room and hurrying down the hall.

“Honey? Are you in there?” she asked me leaning close enough to see my face and that my eyes were open. I blinked, “Oh John,” she said and I could hear her voice cracking, “it’s going to ok honey.”

“no it’s not,” I mumbled my lips barely moving.

“Oh kiddo,” she said shifting and reaching out her hand.

“DON”t!” I shouted at her causing her to jump and back away.

“Ok, I won’t touch you I promise ok honey?” She swallowed hard allowing herself to sink to the floor in front of the bed.

The com buzzed in the hallway and his voice came through it. “Danielle, Karen is here she needs you to buzz her up,” he said sounding bored.

My mum ran out of the room and I heard her slam into the call button, “I’ll come get her, you fucking asshole.” She hissed at him and then came back across the hall.

“I had Will call doctor Palmer,” she said to me, “He’ll know what to do,” she sighed, “I have to go get Karen and I’ll have a very serious word with your Da.” She said.

“Mum don’t,” I said something animating me, “Don’t please just leave it alone.”

“John…” she started saying.

“I said leave it alone,” I sat up to look at her.

“Ok,” she said measuredly, “I’m going to go bring Karen up. I’ll be right back.”

“I can get Karen,” I sighed moving to stand.

“No honey I want you to sta…” she stared and I cut her off.

“The damage is already done at least I can grab a drink if I go down there and get her,” I hissed and she flinched at my words.

“John stay up here please,” she said to me.

“Why does it fucking matter?” I hissed, “Why does it matter?” I asked again and I could feel the tears falling freely in front of her something I had tried to avoid doing my whole life whenever possible, “Why does it matter?” I asked again my voice cracking and finding my legs unable to hold my weight anymore as I tumbled forward onto my knees, “I can’t do this anymore.” I said between sharp sobs that hurt my ribs and made my eyes sting.

“Oh kiddo,” she said trying to approach me as I crawled away from her wishing she would go, would just leave me alone to rot.

The Com rang out again his voice hissing through the crackling speaker making me want to crawl my ear drums out. “Danielle if I have to get up and let her in the house you’re going to be really sorry, let her in!” he hissed.

“I’ll be back,” she said as I covered my ears to try and shut out his voice and all the things it was whispering from inside my brain me still sobbing loudly and curling myself into a ball on the floor.

As she retreated leaving the door ajar. I saw a clumsy shadow that looked like it was zig zaggy down the hallway makes its way to my door and a little face poked its head inside with another little shadow stumbling along just as clumsily behind it, it’s thumb in its mouth.

“You have owwie?” Andy asked me sitting down in front of my face as I tried to stifle my own screams, “I make you better,” he said throwing his baby arms around my neck kissing my cheek sloppily and Laura came up next to him.

“Kiss it better?” she asked me kissing my hair and hugging the top of my head before she stuck her thumb back in her mouth.

I reached out cradling my little brother to my face as I my tears started to become silent again. They were trying to make me better. That thought made me want to cry harder the fact that they didn’t even know what was wrong but could tell I was in enough pain they wanted to make it go away. I felt like a total failure, they shouldn’t be seeing me break down like this.

“It’s ok to cry you know?” I heard a tiny timid voice from near the door and I saw James crawling towards me on all fours with Catty not far behind, “it’s ok to be sad,” he said coming up to us and hugging Andy his little hands reaching out to barely touch my shoulder.

“I’m sorry John,” Catty said softly, “He’s weird to me, too I don’t like him. He’s a bad man.” She said referring to Da. Joining our little pile on the floor.

I took a breath and I felt my heart beat starting to slow my body starting to calm as some of my littlest siblings gathered around me trying to comfort me and make me feel better. I closed my eyes hugging them to me finally finding a comfort that I couldn’t find anywhere else listening to Andy’s little heart beat as he clung to my face the simple sound of his heart helping me relax.

The elevator dinged open and I heard mum’s and Karen’s footsteps and mum walked back to my door and opened it slowly to find out little dog pile, “guys what are you doing?” she asked them softly.

“He’s sad mum,” Catherine answered her simply hugging me tighter from behind and I could hear the tears in her own little voice.

“He needs cuddles,” James said.

“Guys, I think John needs to be left alone,” she sighed lightly trying to come towards the pile that clung tighter to me as I tensed.

“No MINE!” Andy said to her angrily.

“Leave us alone mum,” I sighed quietly.

“You guys, Karen’s here she’s going to make you something to eat, please?” she asked us again and she looked back at 10 eyes staring back at her in the darkness.

“Karen, can you go feed the babies please?” she asked Karen who was out in the hallway.

“Sure,” Karen sighed and her feet walked down the hallway.

“Doctor Palmer is coming,” My mum sighed leaning against the door way.

“I don’t want to see him leave me alone,” I said to her.

“Yeah mum leave us alone,” James repeated.

“You guys can’t stay in here like this,” she said, “Come on kids please?” she sighed.

I took a deep breath, “Ok,” I said sitting up and shrugging them off me untangling myself from my little pile of comfort, “I don’t want to see him though please?”

“John,” My mum said, “Guys I need to talk to John alone,” she said to all of them.

“But mum,” Cat said.

“No but’s go, he’s not in trouble I promise,” she assured them as they started to tip toe towards her, “Go see what Will is doing guys ok?” she said to them as they slowly left the room one by one leaving us alone and she shut the door behind them sitting on the floor.

“What?” I asked wiping at my eyes with my sleeve.

“I can’t just ignore that,” she said, “As much as you would like me to I can’t ignore that. You don’t break down like that for no reason. I’d like Dr. Palmer to see you,” she said again.

“I’ll be ok, just don’t make me see him please?” I begged her, “The thought of…” I shuddered at the thought of him touching me however doctoral his touch might be made my skin crawl worse.

“Just talk to him,” she said.

“Fine,” I sighed, “But he can’t touch me.” I said.

“But your cast, I know you showered John, your hair is wet.”

“So it was supposed to come off in two weeks anyway.” I replied, “He wants to lay his hands on me I will scream I swear to god.” I warned her.

“Ok,” she nodded, “I’ll tell him.”

“You better go down and wait for him or should I because I can’t stand to hear him on that fucking thing on more time,” I said referring to my Da and his voice over the com that he would have used to let us know Dr. Palmer was there.

“We’ll go down together and wait how about that?” she asked me reaching a hand out to help me up off the floor.

I ignored her hand and climbed to my feet on my own. “Ok,” I shrugged and we walked to the elevator together in silence.

Once the door shut behind us she sighed, “Can you tell me what caused this?” she asked me.

“No,” I shook my head violently.

“Was it your father?” She asked me.

It felt like a punch in the stomach. “I’m not saying anything,” murmured.

“John, please,” she said her eyes begging me.

“I’m not saying anything,” I repeated.

“Ok,” she sighed raking her hand through her own hair in frustration.

We walked down the hall and stairs in silence and waited in the living room for the door to ring. Once she heard the buzzer she got up and opened the door quickly. “Dr. Palmer hi,” she said from the door way, “Come in there’s a reason I called,” she said her voice getting soft enough I couldn’t hear what was being said as I sat on the couch and stared at the tv not really watching it.

I was no longer angry or sad I was just numb and wished that my body would go numb as well. I was tired and I just wanted to sleep but if I closed my eyes I could feel him wrapped around me squeezing me holding me tightly and I didn’t know how I would ever feel comfortable in my own skin again let alone ever sleep. Her and Dr. Palmer came into the room.

“Would you like some coffee Dr. Palmer?” she asked him.

“That would be nice, thank you,” he smiled at her tiredly and she left the room Dr. Palmer sitting down in the chair across from me.

“Your mum said you got your cast wet again?” he asked me.

“It’s supposed to come off soon anyway,” I shrugged.

“You’re supposed to come into the office and get x-rays before we determine that,” he said, “She said you got hysterical.”

“I had a rough Christmas,” I answered simply.

He nodded, “Ok, I can give you something to help you sleep, I need to do an exa…” I cut him off.

“No.”

“John I need to make sure there’s not any…” I cut him off again.

“Any what? Bruising? Infection? There’s not just give me the pills,” I hissed.

“John I know you’re angry, I know your situation is not one you want to nor deserve to be in,” he said measuredly, “It’s important to document though.”

“Why? We’re never getting out of here,” I said, “She’s delusional and you’re feeding it to her. Nothing is ever going to happen to him.” I said cradling my face in my hands.

“You’re over stimulated?” he asked me referring to the tingling feeling constantly traveling across my skin.

I nodded my head, “It doesn’t matter what she does he’ll find away,” I said quietly.

“You will get out of this,” he said softly, “Hold on ok?”

“I won’t,” I sneered.

“Can I see your cast?” he asked me.

I shrugged unzipping my hoody and I saw his eyes flash across my arms where he could see the bruises from the restraints from the other night, “Has your mom seen those?” he asked me.

“Would it matter if she had?” I asked handing my arm out to him that he took gently his fingers touching the back of my casted hand making me flinch.

“Sorry,” he sighed knowing why I jumped, “I’ll give you something to sleep. It might help.”

“Yeah until tonight when he climbs into bed with me again,” I sighed.

“Every night?” he asked me meaning was it something I was experiencing every night.

“Since like the 22nd,” I said.

“Ouch,” was all he said and nodded my head, “Ok I’m going to cut this off and we’re going to give you a metal splint because plaster cast seem to not be working very well for you so bear with me here I know you don’t want to be touched but this one is still plaster so I have to have it adhere to your arm but instead of wrapping all the way around your arm is going to lay in it and hold it on with an ace bandage. I don’t want you taking it off for anything but to shower until we get those x-rays though ok?” he said to me seriously.

I nodded and he took something out his bag that looked like a pizza cutter and I was confused until he hit a button and it started to rotate, “It’s a homemade portable cast drill,” he said hitting the button again looking slightly insane.“relax John, I’m just taking off the cast ok?” he said and I nodded and he lowered the drill to my cast holding my arm steady with his other hand and the drill started to cut at the cast slowly plaster dust shooting up as I gritted my teeth and looked away afraid he was going to accidentally cut my arm, maybe secretly hoping he would.

He placed a finger inside the bottom of the cast making me twitch again and close my eyes to try and calm myself down and then he yanked hard on the other side of the plaster my arm traveling with it but the crack he had just made with the drill getting bigger. He yanked again and the cast moved enough to slide my arm out, “Ok don’t move it,” he said to me. Pulling what looked like a large white fruit roll up out of his bag and laying it flat then wrapping it gently around my arm. “Is that too tight?” he asked me and I shook my head no “Ok we need to sit here for about 10 minutes you ok with that?”

“Not really,” I nearly snorted, “I just want to get pissed. I thought you were going to give me a metal splint?” I asked.

“I am but right now all I have is plaster so plaster for now. Leave it on unless your showering and have your mom rewrap it after you shower ok?” he said and I nodded as he started to wrap an ace bandage around my arm slowly to hold the splint in place, “Are you in pain?” he asked me and I shook my head.

He sighed and shook his head, “I’m writing you script it’s for anxiety and I want you to take it once a day until it’s gone.”

“Why can’t I just drink?” I asked him.

“You look like you’re in physical pain you have so much anxiety you need something more productive then alcohol which I wish you wouldn’t use anyway,” he said letting go of my arm.

“Wouldn’t you?” I mumbled.

He just nodded his head in reply and I stood up and moved to put my hoody back on the air hitting my arms making me feel vulnerable, “Are you sure you won’t let me exam you?” he asked me and I felt my stomach jump into my throat the very thought of it making me want to vomit.

“I’m sure,” I said as I heard the elevator roar to life making me jump and Mum came back in with a cup of coffee for Vic.

“Thank you,” he said smiling kindly at my mum who went back into the kitchen for something else, “You sure you don’t want to talk? I mean about anything not just whatever happened.”

“Have you ever heard of poppers and drowners?” I asked him.

“Ah, you’ve been talking I see,” he said, “Yes it’s slang we use. Why?”

“My Da invited some people to spend Christmas with us,” I swallowed, “They brought their sons.”

Dr. Palmer nodded his head, “Ok,” he said

“We talked about stuff mum’s pissed because they used some pills to fade out,” I said.

“Did you?” he asked me.

I shook my head, “I don’t think it would feel the same as my drinks,” I said, “I need my drinks I can’t imagine something different.”

“Ok,” he nodded his head slowly looking at me, “Don’t mix those you understand? Do not whatever you do mix those no matter what you are told if they tell you that’s ok they are lying. Doing one or the other is dangerous enough on its own you don’t need to mix them.” He emphasized.

“No, that’s what they told me too,” I said and then smiled lightly, “And then later Pat mixed it.”

“Pat?” he asked confused and then thought about it for a second, “Ah, Kingly.”

I winced just hearing the name and visibly exhaled. I heard some loud voices in the kitchen and I think the color must have drained from my face, “John are you ok?” he asked me watching my expression.

I could hear his voice even though I couldn’t understand what he was saying and it was making me want to run but because I couldn’t I froze and closed my eyes my whole body feeling shaky and weak, “Ok breathe I need you to inhale count to four and then slowly exhale ok?” Dr Palmer said and I nodded my head without opening my eyes because if I knew if I did I would probably start crying, “good,” he said softly as I followed his instructions.

Just then a door slammed open down the hall way, “Danielle don’t even start!” he hissed as he started down the hallway towards the living room where Dr. Palmer and I were sitting, and I felt my knees go weak making me think if I tried to stand I would fall over.

“Mr. McGregor I would advise you give him some space as his Dr,” I heard Dr. Palmers voice in the hallway outside the living room him trying to intercept my Da and keep him away from me.

“He’s fine,” My Da said forcefully.

I wanted to move, I did but I found that I couldn’t my limbs feeling weak and unless my heart pounding.

“Connor, you know how it is, please give him some space,” Dr. Palmer said again this time closer to the living room.

“He’s my son and I want to make sure he’s ok? Why are you here anyway?” He asked Dr. Palmer.

“John got his cast wet again so I removed it and replaced it with a splint for now,” he answered simply.

“John?!” he growled and I felt myself jump as I tried to just keep breathing. When I didn’t answer he pushed through the door way, “Did you ruin your cast?” he asked me all I could do was numbly nod my head.

I felt my body shivering almost as if I were cold my heart racing I felt like I was going to pass out my throat felt dry and every word he said hitting my skin like a bee sting my whole body tense.

“Oh, kid,” he sighed looking at me and coming to sit down next to me on the couch as I curled into myself hugging myself tightly my shoulders coming up to my ears. All I could think was God please don’t touch me and then I felt his hand touch my thigh through my pants and I think I stopped breathing and closed my eyes, “What’s wrong?” he asked me staring at me carefully.

“I think he’s having an anxiety attack,” Dr. Palmer replied from the door way.

I was afraid to say anything afraid I would scream and that would make him angry afraid that if I started crying he would try to hold me to comfort me which would make everything worse, “You’re all right,” he said to me putting his hand on my shoulder.

I bit my lip. I wanted him to stop and I wanted to pull away but my body felt so weak, almost numb.

“Mr. Mcg--- I think that…” Dr. Palmer said the sound of his voice fading in and out my vision spinning and then everything went blank.

A weird smell that’s all I remember at first was this sharp smell almost like cat piss and then my eyes fluttering open to see Vic above me smiling with relief, “Hey there,” he said calmly, “You ok?” he asked me and I found myself laying on the floor on my back, “You said he does this often?” Dr. Palmer directed the question at someone else.

“Not often but it happened the other day too downstairs,” My Da answered him.

“What was he doing?” Dr. Palmer asked.

“Well…,” My Da said coyly, “He was downstairs,” he answered pointing to the floor.

“Oh,” Dr. Palmer said nodding, “He keeps hyperventilating himself into a faint then.”

“How do we get him to stop doing that?” My Da asked staring at me.

“We send him to someone he can talk to and they will probably give him something for anxiety and maybe depression,” Dr. Palmer answered.

“Don’t we have one of those?” Da asked referring the collective “we” as in the brotherhood.

“Three or four,” Dr. Palmer sighed, “I would suggest Dr. Susan Larkin though,” he said.

“Ok I’ll set it up,” My Da said.

“John are you ok?” Dr. Palmer asked me. I didn’t speak only looked at him wide eyed from the floor. He took this as a sign that I wasn’t all right which I’m glad he did because I really wasn’t. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with my Da and I was so afraid of him touching me the mere thought made my whole body feel weak. It made me feel slow and stupid and numb.

Just then mum wandered back into the room from somewhere else and she saw me on the floor a worried look spread across her face and then she noticed Da and her eyes grew angry, “Why is he on the floor?” she asked.

“He fainted, “Dr. Palmer said, “I put him on the floor so I could elevate his feet Mrs. McGregor, he’s ok.” He answered.

“Ok, John can you walk to come upstairs with me?” She asked me looking at me trying to not hyperventilate on the floor again.

“Here John let me hel…” Dr. Palmer started to say and I started shaking my head making myself dizzy.

“No, no no,” I said. I couldn’t stand the thought of even him touching me. I knew logically he wouldn’t hurt me but I really didn’t want to be touched by any adult at that point.

“Can you get up on your own?” Dr. Palmer asked me.

“I think so,” I answered.

“Ok nice and slow,” he said moving out of the way so I could slowly climb to my feet.

My knees felt shaky and weak but I managed to stand up and take a slow step and then another. Mum and Dr. Palmer hovering close to me in case I tripped or fell. They walked slowly beside me neither one touching me to the steps.

“Ok, this is as far as I go,” Dr. Palmer said, “You can call me later John if you need to,” he said and I nodded my head so he knew I understood.

“Wait Dr. Palmer could you walk the stairs behind him,” My mum asked politely, “Just in case,” she added meaning just in case I fell backwards.

“Sure,” he said standing behind me making my spine go cold

. All I could think to myself was “body don’t you fucking dare fall.” Because I was positive that mentally I couldn’t take feeling his hands on me. “Mum, I’ve got it I’m ok,” I said.

“John it’s just in case, let me mother you,” she said and I sighed starting my ascent.

I managed to get up the stairs and to the elevator without falling or tripping over my legs and for that I was thankful.

“Ok, I have to talk to your husband about some stuff to make sure he takes it seriously. I’ll see you later Mrs. McGregor, take care of yourself John,” Dr. Palmer said hurrying down the stairs back to my Da as my mum pressed the button calling the elevator to us and we stepped inside.

As soon as she typed in her code the door slid shut and the elevator started moving upwards I sighed, “Mum I need a…” she cut me off.

“No, John that’s enough of that,” she said looking at me.

“Mum you don’t understand; I NEED a drink ok?” I said trying to emphasize my desire for one just so I could numb out, just so I didn’t have to feel anything.

“John you don’t need a drink you want a drink,” she said.

“Mum you don’t get it ok? I’m tired my skin is crawling, I can’t do this I need a drink,” I said.

“Do what? You’re not doing anything you’re going to your room and going to sleep,” she stated.

“No,” I said, “I can’t go in there,” I said just thinking of the smell of the room, of laying on that bed where my Da had forced himself on me in the most invasive way he had ever done the words he spoke to me last night started to echo their way through my head again vibrating in my consciousness.

“John, it’s your room and I’m afraid you’re going to upset everyone so I would rather you just relax. You understand?” She said.

“Mum please, I don’t want to be in my room ok?” I said.

I don’t think at that point she had figured it out. That he had violated me in my own room, in my own bed because she thought he had no access to the fourth floor. I felt too embarrassed to tell her that was where it had happened too because I was positive she figured it had something to do with him. How was I supposed to tell her that the thought of just going into my room scared me shitless for some reason?

“Well,” She sighed, “I need you to try to calm down,” she said to me.

“I can be calm,” I said, “I just need a drink,” I said again.

“John no, you’re going to have to find another way to deal with this ok?” she said to me as the elevator door opened and there with tears streaming down her little face was Catty which made both of us forget for a moment what we had been discussing.

“What’s wrong?” My mum and I asked in unison.

“He was going to kill you!” she cried and threw her little arms around my legs, “I’m so happy you came back safe.”

“He’s not going to kill me,” I said blinking down at her rubbing the top of her head.

“Why do you think someone would kill him?” Mum asked Catty.

“He said he would,” she said and I saw my mum’s face drain of color and thought back to when we were in the pile on the floor and how Catherine had said Da was “weird” to her.

It hit me then what she was talking about. “Oh firefly,” I sighed as she clung to my legs as if her life depended on it, “He’s not going to kill me,” I said to her.

“He said he would though,” she sniffled into my knees.

I reached down and picked her up gently so she could see my face, “he won’t, I know he won’t.” I said to her looking into her eyes.

“How do you know?” she asked me.

“I just know, I promise he won’t kill me,” I said because I didn’t know what else to say. How do you answer that question? What was I supposed to really say the truth? That he loved hurting me way too much to ever kill me? That he wanted my soul to die before he ever allowed my body to? I had no idea how else to answer so I gave the simplest one I could think of.

“Where is Karen?” Mum asked Catherine.

“She’s in the living room with the babies,” Catty answered her hugging me around the neck as I carried her down the hall and into the left family room across from the kitchen where the tv was set up and the boys were playing with the new play station. My mum nodded at Catherine’s words and took the hall down to the right family room which was across from the Piano/music room and had all the children’s toys in it. I sat down on the couch and allowed Catherine to snuggle in close next to me while I watched the boys play on the play station numbly. I was still so tired and everything felt like this fog surrounded it. I wanted to sleep I really did but I didn’t feel safe in my room anymore and couldn’t think of any place to nap where I knew for sure I wouldn’t be disturbed and told to go to my own room so I sat there and stared at the tv trying to tune out while Catherine cuddled with me.

“Hey John are you ok?” Will asked without bothering to look up from the book he was reading.

“Yeah,” I sighed. It was half way true at least. I was ok for the moment just super tired and worried about what Dr. Palmer had said about me seeing to see someone in order to get anxiety meds.

“You look super tired,” he said, again without looking up to actually look at me.

“How would you know you’re not looking at me and second I am really tired I didn’t sleep well.” I sighed.

“Why don’t you go take a nap?” he asked me.

“Because I don’t think it’s a good idea,” I sighed.

“Ok,” Will shrugged his attention already back on his book.

I must have fallen asleep on the couch at some point because I eventually woke up jumping awake and startling everyone around me because Will swore and dropped his book and everyone turned to look at me wide-eyed and worried.

“What?” I asked groggily.

“You screamed dude,” Matt replied.

“Dude is a donkey’s butt hair you realize that?” Will said.

“So? He could be a dude, you don’t know.” Matt replied while Mikey laughed.

“He is not a dude!” James said angrily.

“I can be a dude, I cannot be a dude, I don’t really care,” I sighed.

“Do you want to play Barbie’s with me?” Catty asked smiling big at me.

“Sure, I’ll play Barbie’s,” I sighed being a good big brother. Honestly the last thing I had interest in was a bunch of dolls but, the things we do for love right? So I got up off the couch and she marched me to her room pulling me by the hand.

“You can play Erin, she’s my favorite,” She said happily.

“Oh really?” I said freighting excitement.

“Yeah, she’s the mummy sometimes,” she said, “But sometimes she’s the sister too even though Erin has little sisters they are called Skipper and Stacy by the Barbie people but I call them Sara and Tori. And then there is Kelly but I call her Autumn and Autumn is always Erin’s baby.” She explained.

“So I’m Erin and Autumn is my baby?” I asked her as she handed me a blond Barbie doll wearing a bra or bathing suit top and pair of jean shorts.

“Yes,” she said digging through her bin of dolls, “Here’s Autumn,” she said handing me a little tiny doll with dark brown hair and green painted on eyes.

“They don’t look anything alike,” I commented, “How can she be Erin’s daughter?”

“Oh, Autumn’s dad had brown hair but his head came off,” she stated simply as if this was as normal a fact as the sky being blue.

“Oh ok,” I said.

“And this guy,” she pulled out a male doll with black plastic hair and blue eyes, “Is the guy that lives in the neighborhood, he chases Erin around and tries to get her naked.” She said.

My eyes widened in surprise, “wh—why?” I asked her.

“Because that’s guys do that,” she said.

“Does mum know you play Barbie’s like this?” I asked her.

“Well, Mommy doesn’t like to play with me so no,” she said, “She’s always too busy with the babies why?”

I sighed and raked my hand nervously through my hair, “How do you know that guys sometimes try to get people naked?” I asked her.

“Because that’s what they do. They also hold people down and wrestle them in bed,” she said which made my eyes go even bigger.

“Who told you that?” I asked her.

“Da,” she said simply.

I dropped Erin out of surprise. Was she serious? I felt like I had just drank ten coffees my heart pounding in my throat.

“Be nice!” she said picking Erin up off the floor where I had dropped her and smoothing back the dolls hair, “You should know you’re older than I am and Da says he does it with everyone.”

“Da told you that?” I asked trying to keep my voice calm when really inside I was seething mad.

“Yeah, he said he does it with Will and Matt and he said…,” she looked at me and her face started to flush pink.

“Cat, don’t finish that please,” I took a deep breath, “I’ll still play with you but, I’ll be right back ok?” I smiled at her and got up even though my head felt like it was swimming and I walked down the hallway, “MUM!” I shouted down the hall.

“In here!” I heard her shout from the nursery so I walked inside where she was on the floor changing diapers and Karen was standing at the changing table changing clothes.

“Can I talk to you alone,” I asked her standing in the door way.

She looked up and must have seen from the expression on my face that something was up because she stood. “I’ll be right back,” she muttered to Karen who cooed at Mary as she changed her into a pink jumper.

“What’s going on?” she asked me quietly out in the hallway.

“Cat just told me that Da told her guys chase people around and get them naked. And that he does it with everyone,” I said.

“Oh dear,” My mum said crossing herself, “Did she say anything else?” she asked me.

I just shook my head, “I couldn’t listen to it.” I shook my head.

“Well, I’ll be back then, would you help Karen with the babies for a minute?” she asked me.

“Her? No.” I said shaking my head.

“Listen John I know you don’t like Karen I get that but, she’s a nice girl,” my mum said quietly.

“Yeah a nice girl whose Dad likes to…” I said before stopping myself by slamming my hand over my mouth.

“Likes to what?” My mum asked her eyebrow raised, “I have an idea from what you didn’t want to talk about but, if you’re going to be open just say it.”

I shook my head my hand still over my mouth, “I told her about it and she didn’t believe me,” I told my mum.

“Well, maybe she’s in denial,” My mum stated simply, “You don’t have to like her just help her get them ready please, for me?” she said and so I nodded my head and she took off down the hall to Catherine’s room.

I went into the nursery and sat down with Mac on the floor changing is diaper, “Oh geese,” I said pulling it open to find it full of funk, “stinky boy,” I exclaimed and he laughed.

“Hi John,” Karen said coolly, “I have a question.”

“Yes?” I asked her.

“Why does your mom call diapers nappies?” she asked.

“She’s Irish haven’t you noticed? It means diaper,” I answered her simply wishing Karen wasn’t so fucking dumb.

“Is that why you call her mum instead of mom?” She asked another question.

“I grew up in London haven’t you noticed my slight accent?” I informed her.

“I just thought you talked funny,” she said smiling.

I smiled back and flashed her the V sign just as my mum came back into the room followed by Cat, “JOHN!” she yelled at me as I saw her and put my hand down.

“What?” I asked her.

“I told you to be nice,” She said, “Say you’re sorry.”

“Sorry Karen,” I said while trying to not to roll my eyes.

“He was being nice,” she said, “He just gave me a peace sign.”

I started laughing as I got up and let mum take my spot on the floor and left the room. “Karen that wasn’t a peace sign that was the British version of the bird,” my mum said and I could hear a slight smile in her voice at Karen’s stupidity.

Cat was outside the room waiting for me, “Can we play now?” she asked me.

“You talked with mum?” I asked her.

“Yeah, she told me some stuff,” she wrinkled her nose, “What’s the bird?” she asked.

“What?” I replied caught off guard.

“Mum just said you gave Karen the bird, what’s the bird?” she asked me clarifying what she meant.

“Oh, it’s an adult hand gesture to let someone know you’re displeased with them,” I answered a matter of factly.

“You’re not an adult,” she told me.

“You are correct,” I said patting her head.

“Why did you do it then?” she asked me.

“Do what?” I asked.

“Give Karen the bird.” She answered.

“Well, I don’t like Karen very much. I think Karen is stupid and I was letting her know that,” I told her.

“That’s mean,” Catty replied.

“Yes, that’s why I got yelled at,” I nodded my head in agreement, “Karen hasn’t been very nice to me though and I honestly don’t like her.”

“Yeah but you don’t like her because she doesn’t like people who lie and she says you’re a liar,” she said simply.

“Karen would say that,” I just said a matter of factly as we got back to Catherine’s room.

“Are you?” she asked me.

“Am I what?” I asked her.

“A liar,” she said.

“No, Karen just doesn’t want to believe what I say is the truth so she wants everyone to think I’m a liar. But I try my best not to lie because Da lies a lot and I personally don’t like that.” I answered.

“Da lies?” She asked me.

“Yes,” I said nodding my head, “Can I still be Erin?” I asked trying to change the subject.

“Did he lie about the naked wrestling because mum said I shouldn’t ask you about that but Da says he does it with you all the time.” She must have seen the look on my face because she stopped for a second, “John? Are you ok?”

I exhaled and swallowed, “yeah, Can I be Erin still?” I asked again hoping to bring her attention to something else.

“Yeah if you want to,” she said.

“Ok so how are we playing?” I asked her.

“You’re not very good at this,” she sighed.

“At what?” I asked her.

“Playing Barbie’s,” she said, “I should probably play by myself.” She said.

“No I can play,” I answered, “ how about they go shopping?”

“No because then I need to pull out the other guys who steal their clothes and I don’t feel like doing that,” she answered me.

“Oh, ok,” I said slowly.

“You look like you’re not ok,” she said.

“You are reminding me of Mikey right now,” I said.

“Why?” she asked wrinkling her nose.

“You ask a lot of questions,” I answered.

“Mum says some questions are good to ask it’s how you learn things,” she stated.

“That sounds like something mum would say.” I replied.

“She said there are some questions I shouldn’t ask though,” she said, “Like the one about Da and wresling.”

“Yes, that’s a question you shouldn’t ask,” I said.

“Why?” she asked.

“Well, you know how getting a shot at the doctor hurts but you don’t want to really talk about it?” I said and she nodded her head, “It’s kind of like that.”

“Oh, so it’s like when Da does guy things with me too?” she asked me.

“What do you mean?” I asked her.

“He says it practice but it hurts,” she said.

“What do you mean?” I asked her again.

“That’s a question you shouldn’t ask,” she parroted me.

“Ok, I think we should talk to mum about this.”

“John that will make her sad and he said I’m not supposed to talk about it,” she said lowering her head.

“Firefly, come here,” I said holding my arms out to her and trying to keep myself calm so I didn’t scare her, “If Da is doing things like that to you, you should tell mum. Because those things are things he’s not supposed to do ok?” I said hugging her.

“He said it was ok but I thought they were bad,” she whispered hugging me back her little voice sounding like it was about to cry, “Is that what you mean when you say he lies?” she asked.

“Yes,” I nodded my head, “You need to tell mum, can we go tell mum together?” I asked her, “Would that make it easier?”

“I don’t know. She gets so sad John,” she sighed into my neck.

“Let me worry about that ok? Let’s go tell her,” I said.

She looked at me and nodded, “Ok.” She answered and we got up from the floor. We walked down the hallway and I motioned for Cat to get mum’s attention.

“Mummy?” she said quietly into the nursery.

“What is it little bug?” Mum asked her looking up from the floor where she had finished dressing Andrew who was always a handful to dress. Mum must have seen something in her eyes because she frowned. “Are you ok?” she asked her.

“John said I should tell you something,” she said quietly.

“What is it?” she said softly coming out into the hall and shutting the nursery door behind her.

“He said I should tell you that Da practices with me.”

“What do you mean?” She said.

“Mum,” I said looking at her, “he ‘practices’ with her,” I said through gritted teeth.

“Oh no,” My mum said closing her eyes and Catherine started tearing up.

“I told you she’d be sad.”

“Oh little bug, I’m not sad or upset with you,” she said bending down and picking up Cat, “I’m glad you told me. She said, “Can you tell me more about it?”

“I don’t want to,” she said starting to cry.

“Ok firefly, mum’s asking because she wants to write it down so she can tell someone else who will make it stop but you can’t tell Da,” I said, “Go tell mum all about it, just you and her ok?” I said to her rubbing her shoulder to comfort her.

“How?” she asked.

“I can’t say just now,” Mum answered for me, “But we’ll figure it out,” she answered, “come on let’s go to your room and talk about just you and I? Maybe you and I will go to lunch together after the park?” she asked her, “Just you and me how about that?” she asked.

“You mean a special day?” she asked her tears starting to dry.

Mum sometimes took us out one and one and had been doing since I was wee. She would find a day for just her and one of us to get one on one time with her. It didn’t happen often now that there were so many babies but when it did we always did something fun like go see a movie or go out to eat or to the zoo just the two of us and she had tried to do it with each one of us once every couple of months. Mum time was special which is why Cat referred to it as a “special” day. Sadly, when I was younger special days were days that were scary when they weren’t with me because it meant I was spending time with Uncle Ben or Da but now that I was older that was less likely to happen and with Karen around it was easy to get everyone else out of the house as well as the kid she was spending time with.

“Yes, a special day for just you and I,” Mum nodded her head as she carried Cat down the hall to her room and shut the door behind them.

I sighed and raked my hand through my hair standing in the hallway. I wanted to punch the wall but kept myself from doing so because I didn’t want to draw any attention to myself. I had failed yet again. The thought made me feel worthless and angry. How many times was this going to happen? How many times would I think I was doing what I thought was my job just to turn around and find out he had started putting his hands on someone else? For a moment I thought about going to my room but decided it wasn’t a good idea. Maybe getting out of the house would help I thought and I sighed.

I knocked on the nursery door, “Karen can you tell my mum I went for a walk when she gets done with Catty?” I asked Karen.

“Sure, John whatever,” she sneered at me, “You do know we plan on going to the park?” she asked me roughly.

“Yeah, I’ll walk there, I’ll meet you there it’s not that far,” I said.

“Ok,” she said, “I’ll tell her.”

“Thank you, Karen I’m sorry about…” I said she shrugged her shoulders and waved me away.

I went to the elevator and pushed the button.

“Where are you going?” Will asked me surprising me.

“For a walk,” I sighed.

“Alone? But you’re supposed to stay here where it’s safe.”

“I’ll be fine, he’s working anyway so,” I said.

“Whatever, it’s your ass on the line. Literally,” Will said.

“Yeah I know thanks,” I frowned at him.

“Just reminding you,” he said.

“Do I look like I need a reminder today?” I said gesturing to myself.

“Sorry, geese,” he replied walking away as the elevator came up and I got into the lift the door shutting behind me.

I actually did manage to get out the door that day on my own safely the sun light hitting my eyes hard but the fresh air feeling nice against my face the Florida winter not being super cold but just cold enough for a light jacket which my hoody worked just fine for. I walked in silence for a while until I reached the park and I saw some familiar faces by the swing set passing a paper bag back and forth with no one else around.

Pat looked up and waved me over. “Sup stranger?” he asked me smiling.

“Hey,” I said, “I thought you guys lived farther away?” I asked.

“He does,” Pat said meaning Cole, “I live down on Boston,” he shrugged, “Didn’t realize we were neighbors?” he smiled at me.

“I had no clue,” I said.

“I would tell you to stop by but,” he shrugged his shoulders meaning he knew how his Dad was and I nodded in reply. “Want a drink?” he asked waving the paper bag.

“Fuck yes!” I sighed grabbing it from him and taking a big swig. The burn in my throat felt so good and I heard both him and Cole laugh.

“Don’t drink it all dude, I said a drink I didn’t say the drink,” he laughed.

“Sorry I need it,” I said and he handed me a cigg which I gladly took and he held the lighter and lit it for me using his hand to shelter the flame from the wind.

“No problem,” Pat said as I sat down on the swing on his left side Cole occupying the swing on his right side.

“Hard night?” Cole asked me.

“Every night is a hard night,” I mumbled.

Pat started laughing. “I didn’t mean that way,” I said knowing exactly what he was thinking.

“Hey you said it not me,” he said laughing harder.

“Man, you’re sick,” I said shaking my head but still cracking a smile as I took a drag on the cigg he gave me.

“You think he’s sick now you should hear the stuff he says to Delia,” Cole smirked and Pat kicked out his leg to try and kick Cole lightly but Cole avoided it. “Missed me, missed me now you gotta kiss me,” Cole chanted.

“No thanks Fag,” Pat laughed.

“Oh you wish you could kiss me,” Cole winked.

“In your dreams,” Pat scoffed.

“You two are something else,” I shook my head. “Who is Delia?” I asked.

“One of the girls that goes to our sister school her older brother is a bottom,” Cole answered.

“And a huge dickwad,” Pat added.

“Have I met dickwad?” I asked.

“I don’t think so,” Cole said, “You’ll know when you do trust me he’s just as bad as fucking Chad.

“Oh more hate, awesome,” I commented taking another drag.

“How did you escape?” Pat asked meaning how did I get out of the house.

“He was in the office,” I commented, “Mum is taking everyone to the park in a little while, I said I wanted to go for a walk and I’d met her here.” I shrugged.

“Oh fun, we better put our shit away then huh?” Pat asked.

“It takes a while to get everyone out of the house,” I answered, “We’ve got like 20 minutes.”

“Well then, drink up me hardy yo ho,” Cole said and took a big swig of the bottle.

“You’re a dork,” I said smiling at him.

“Oh he’s the biggest dork there is,” Pat agreed.

“Are you two high?” I asked coyly, “I really want something, anything.”

“I thought you were a drowner?” Pat raised an eyebrow at me.

“I am,” I said taking another deep drag on my cigg before I put it out and Pat handed me the bottle Cole passed him. I could feel it in my chest the panic again. The anxiety going from a slow steady hum into a pounding like a drum. I wanted anything that would get me buzzed quickly I didn’t care what type of high it was as long as it was quick. Cole looked at my face and I knew both him and Pat could see it there as I fought it trying to keep it from breaking to the surface as I took a big drink from the bottle.

“You ok?” Cole asked me quietly, gently like someone trying to calm down a stray and cornered dog.

“My mum took it away said I couldn’t have anymore,” I said, “I need something that will work fast.” I mumbled my tongue touching my back molar, my nervous tick showing.

“You want to talk about it?” Pat asked me.

I just shook my head not sure of how steady my voice would be if I spoke.

“He said something bad didn’t he?” Cole asked me softly.

I just nodded.

“I fucking hate this,” Pat said, “I would give you something but you don’t want to be like us kid,” he swallowed back his own feelings.

“Me too, I don’t want to be here anymore,” I replied.

“Running is a very good way to get your name in the bowl,” Cole commented.

“I know,” I said.

“Is your mom going to be pissed to find you with us? Should we leave?” Pat asked looking around to see if he could see my families giant van.

“Don’t leave, I don’t care if she’s pissed about it,” I sighed and took another big drink still hoping the alcohol would catch me and allow me to float away on that sweet tide of nothing but, it still hadn’t.

“You can tell us you know,” Cole mentioned trying to sound off handed, “We won’t judge you. We know what shit you deal with.”

“He’s hurting my sister,” I said shrugging my shoulder sadly.

“Fuck no,” Pat hissed under his breath.

“That’s what I said,” I said into the bottle sadly taking another drink. No one reached to take it from me.

“Isn’t your sister still just a kid?” Pat asked me.

“She’s five so yeah,” I sighed. Just then a car pulled into the parking lot and I started to feel hot, “Shouldn’t we hide this?” I asked Pat.

Pat snorted but took the bottle from me anyway, “My Dad’s a cop do you think I ever get in trouble with the law?” he asked me.

Just then the driver’s side door to the car opened and from a distance it looked like someone I knew but I wasn’t sure until they started to come closer, “Dr. Palmer?” I shouted at the approaching figure.

“Hey Vic,” Cole called out.

“What are you three doing here?” Vic asked coming up to the swings staring at us and then he noticed the bottle, “Give it here,” he said holding his hand out palm up as if we were small children caught with something we shouldn’t have.

“Oh come on,” Pat rolled his eyes.

“You know what I think about it guys, it’s very dangerous and smoking is horrible too,” he said eyeing the ground and looking at the butts littering the area by our feet.

“Yeah well, sit and spin,” Pat said flipping Vic off.

I laughed and Cole sighed while Vic mimicked grabbing it out of the air and put it in his pocket, “I might have to later you never know,” he shrugged.

“Oh nasty,” Pat said in revulsion and tried to take a drink from the bottle as Vic grabbed it from his hands, “Seriously?” Pat scoffed.

“Seriously,” Vic said, “John where’s your mom I’m supposed to be meeting her here.” He asked me.

“On her way, I needed some air so I walked over and found these two clowns,” I said as Pat slugged me lightly on the shoulder.

“Clowns huh?” Coles asked me, “You know you love me asshole,” he winked at me.

“Oh yeah,” Pat commented, “he’s hot for your body all right,” he rolled his eyes.

“I didn’t mean it like that, but I mean come on, everyone is hot for this,” Cole said lifting up his shirt.

“You’re such a fag,” Pat laughed.

“Suck it,” Cole smiled back.

“Already have,” Pat shook his head.

“ Eww, tmi man,” I said laughing.

“I’ve sucked yours too you were just too far off in your head to remember,” Pat shrugged.

“Yeah, thanks for sharing,” I shook my head.

“You three are something else,” Vic replied looking at me as my family’s van pulled up.

“Well, here’s the peanut gallery,” Pat said, “Should I go say hi to your mom then?” he asked me and I just shook my head.

“No, let’s just stay here,” I said as Will opened the van door and everyone started piling out and Karen jumped out of the front passenger seat.

“Fuck,” Pat muttered.

“Did you forget she was our nanny?” I asked him.

“For a hot minute yeah,” he said, “I fucking hate that bitch.”

“Me too,” I commented, “How is your sister so dumb?” I asked him.

Pat sighed and shook his head, “I don’t know I like to think she gets it from my Dad,” he said.

“Oh did I tell you what my mum did?” I asked him.

“No? What?” he asked.

“She let your Dad carry my baby brother,” I said.

“Baby baby brother?” He asked me.

“One of them yeah,” I answered.

“The one with the red hair right?” he questioned.

“Yep, I flipped,” I said.

Pat hissed, “Yeah, I’d watch that he’s not very…shit,” Pat shook his head.

“Oh yeah I think she figured that one out when I flipped,” I said.

“Oh so she knows now? That’s going to be fun,” Cole added.

“I’ll mention it,” Vic said walking over to the van to say hi to everyone.

“John?” James asked coming up to us on the swings, “Hi,” he said timidly to Cole and Pat a soft smile on his face.

“Yeah?” I asked him.

“Will you push me?” he asked.

“Sure man, hop on up,” I said getting off my swing and patting it so he would sit down.

“How are you doing James?” Cole asked him.

“I’m ok,” he said quietly and I gave Cole a look to let him know James wasn’t really ok and just so-so.

Cole nodded, “Have things settled down over there?” Cole asked me and I shrugged.

Just then Karen came over pushing the double stroller with Laura and Andy in it, “Hey guys,” she said smiling, “Patrick.” She said the name her nose wrinkling like the name tasted bad in her mouth.

“Karen,” he said showing no emotion what so ever.

“Getting high on the swings?” she sneered at him, “He’ll beat your ass.”

“And you can kiss it afterward,” Pat said venomously.

“Wow, language Karen,” I said, “they are my little brothers and sisters you know? They don’t need to pick up your bad habits.”

“Please,” Karen sighed as if she were bored, “You swear constantly.”

“Yeah but I’m also not being paid to take care of them and set a good example,” I said and she just shrugged her shoulders in response,

“What is Dr. Palmer doing here?” she asked.

“I don’t know,” I shrugged my shoulders her comment drawing my eyes to my mum and Dr. Palmer who were having a quiet but heated discussion over near the play structure where Mikey and Matty were playing.

“He looks upset,” Cole commented.

“Yeah, he keeps getting a lot of house calls from my family lately,” I said, “Should I go see what’s up?” I asked just as My mum gestured to me to come over.”

“I would say that’s a yes,” Pat said eyeing me, “Come back when you’re done we’ll go for a walk,” he said.

“Yeah give me a couple minutes,” I replied and left James to swing by himself. When I walked close they both stopped talking, “Hey honey,” My mum said smiling slowly, “Dr. Palmer wanted to tell you something.” She said.

“Yeah?” I asked curious what it was.

“I made your Dad make an appointment with a therapist, Dr. Susan Larkin, I’m going to honest with you it’s just to get you anxiety meds, anything she says to you don’t believe it ok? Don’t tell her anything everything you would say to her will find its way back to the brotherhood. Don’t tell anyone I told you this you understand?” he said making sure I took him seriously.

“Why am I going to see her if she’s not going to help me?” I asked confused.

“You need the pills,” Dr. Palmer said.

“I don’t need the pills, I’ll be fine.” I said.

“No, John you need them,” My mum said as Dr. Palmer nodded his head in agreement.

“You have so much anxiety you keep hyperventilating and causing yourself to pass out, you need the pills. You also need to stop drinking,” he said.

“Oh Jesus fuck,” I said shaking my head my mum flinching as I took the lords name in vain, “Everyone deals differently ok? Can you let me deal with things the way I need to?” I asked feeling angry.

“John no, it’s not safe you know it’s not safe,” My mum said.

“You want to know what’s not safe?” I scoffed and before they could stop me from answering the question I said, “What he does to me isn’t safe the way he makes me feel isn’t safe ok? You’re not sitting where I’m sitting either of you so what right do you have to tell me how I deal with this?” I asked seriously.

“John I was once exactly where you are,” Dr. Palmer said, “We’re working on it…” I cut him off.

“And while you two work on it he’s what’s the word Catherine used “practicing” on more and more of my siblings while I get to try and keep him away from them which means throwing myself at him ok? So don’t even pretend you know what it’s like.”

“John?” My mum said slowly, “Honey I know it’s not easy and you’re right it shouldn’t be this way but I’m trying to change it ok just hang in there for me. Please.” She said.

I swallowed hard and crossed my arms against my chest shaking my head, “You don’t know what it’s like mum, you don’t. Let me deal with shit the way I need to please I’m asking you to drop it and just give me my fucking bottles ok?” I nearly pleaded.

“If you would tell me about it…” she started to say.

“You would what? Lock yourself in the guest bedroom and cry all day?” I said.

“Hey, don’t talk to your mom like that,” Dr. Palmer said.

“Why she knows what I said the other night is true and you want to know what he said it too,” I said shocking myself.

“What?” My mum asked me shocked as well.

“Nothing, never mind,” I said turning to leave.

“John,” My mum said reaching out to grab my arm as I tried to leave, “Tell me.” She commanded.

“You can’t change it anyway so why should I?” I hissed.

“When? What did he say?” she asked.

I felt my cheeks going red, this was too weird. Talking to mum about what was said and done in private between my Da and I when she knew very well the context in which the stuff I was talking about had taken place. I shook my head.

“John, please,” she implored me.

I swallowed, I felt like I wanted to cry. Why did I let my temper get the better of me why couldn’t I keep my stupid mouth shut? What exactly was I supposed to say? I exhaled deeply, “He said that if he wanted to be with someone who just laid there he would be with you, that you were work and I was…” I faltered.

“You were what?” she asked me an eyebrow raised but her voice soft gently like she was trying to keep calm for my sake but her emotions were bubbling under the surface waiting to boil over.

“I was fun,” I said my head down and I could feel the tears coming up in my eyes that I was trying so hard to hide and had been trying and failing to hide all day.

“When?” she asked me again like that was information that really matted.

I shook my head and tried to walk away again but she didn’t let me go. “Mum please,” I said and I could feel the tears hitting my cheeks hot and salty.

“Honey, I need to know,” she said.

“Why? Why do you need to know? What good is it going to do anyone?” I asked my voice breaking, “How is it going to help me? I don’t want to be here anymore don’t you get that? Why don’t you understand nothing you do is going to help or make it stop or make it better and that I’m stuck?” I hissed through my tears wiping my eyes with sleeve of my hoody pulling away from her violently.

“John wait,” she said coming towards me as I backed away and Dr. Palmer put a hand up in front of her communicating to her that she should let me have some space.

I turned back to the swing set and Pat and Cole got up and started walking away towards the other end of the park where there was a trail leading into the woods and I started walking faster while they walked slow giving me time to catch up. By the time I caught up to them my tears were mostly dry but my eyes still felt heavy from the water and they both looked at me.

“I can’t imagine my mom still being around,” Pat commented, “Not with this shit.”

“She can’t hold it together and she thinks me telling her about it is going to make it easier for her to deal with,” I said angrily, “Why doesn’t she get it?” I asked as Pat handed me another cigarette.

“I don’t know, maybe she’s never dealed with it on a personal level?” Cole shrugged.

“No she’s been raped, I’m not stupid I remember,” I said. Both Cole and Pat looked at me shocked at my confession or maybe at the fact I was telling them someone else’s secrets that just happened to be mixed in with my own. I shook my head not sure what to think of the looks they were giving me wishing they would wipe the shock off their faces. I held my hand out for the lighter and pulled my hoody over my head for a moment so I could get some shelter from the wind to light my cigarette and handed it back when I was done.

“You remember?” Cole questioned after a few moments of staring at me silently.

“I was a kid my mum got between my Da and I and he raped her instead,” I said, “I don’t think she knows I remember but I have to say she hasn’t put herself in the middle like that ever again.”

“That’s harsh,” Pat commented, “I imagine it doesn’t make her feel very good about herself knowing she tried to protect you and is probably deeply afraid she made you worse off.”

“Why do you think that?” I snorted.

“Well, think about it. Don’t you do the same thing, I mean he says he’s going to go after someone else so in a sense you step up put yourself in-between him and whomever he wants as you put it so you end up being hurt instead so they don’t have to be right? And then later you find out he hurt them anyway. Doesn’t that make you feel like shit?” he said. I nodded my head. I had never really thought of it that way before. That she tried to protect me and that she tried to protect all of us in some way every day she woke up and yet my mum just like me no matter what she did it didn’t seem to matter. He always managed to hurt someone. I had never seen it that way before never imagined my mum and I in the same boat on such a level before. The thought was overwhelming.

“I don’t think my mum ever did that,” Cole commented, “I think my mum kind of hated me though.”

“Mine too,” Pat added.

I watched Coles face when Pat mentioned his mom. Remembering what Cole had said to me about Pat’s mum but his face was a mask. He was very good at hiding his opinions and feelings on things and I only wished I could do it as well as he always did. He just dragged on his own cigg and shrugged his shoulders.

“What are you planning for new year’s?” I asked both of them.

“I don’t know if I get lucky I’ll manage to sneak out my window if not I’m probably going to end up at the Villa tied to a table,” Cole sighed, “You?”

“My mum and Da are supposed to be going to New York, so I’m hoping for some fucking sleep without being woken up in the middle of the night.” I said, “that would be fucking awesome.”

“I don’t even know what I’m doing, Maybe the Villa maybe sneak out go to a party fuck Delia, something I don’t know,” Pat shrugged.

“I have to meet this Delia,” I said smiling slightly, “Girl has to either be a couple short of a happy meal or really fucking self-destructive to take you on,” I said.

“She’s a little of both,” Pat said thoughtfully after a moment, “I really like her though.” He said, “You’ll meet her for sure. I mean she goes to saint Bernie’s so.”

“There’s a couple girls from saint Bernie’s who are pretty wild,” Cole said to me, “You’ll like them, There’s Delia, Celia, Anna, Polly, they are all pretty cool to hang with.”

“Said the gay guy,” Pat snorted.

“What?” Cole asked.

“Every girl wants to hang with the gay guy,” I laughed lightly, “Even at my old boarding school the girls totally had a thing for a lot of the gay guys. Not that it really made much sense the older kids I mean. The dorms were on opposite sides of campus so it was impossible to mingle outside of school hours. There were guys who were so horny they would do anything. I never got that.” I shook my head and smiled remembering.

“You went to boarding school?” Cole asked.

“Yeah, from the time I was like 9 until late November when we moved back here,” I said.

“How was that?” Pat asked me, “You see any action?”

“Oh no,” I shook my head smiling, “I was mostly a baby still I wasn’t into that anyway I had issues going on with that stuff.” I said.

“So you were young when they started to…?” Pat said trailing of the last part.

“I was 4 the first time I remember my uncle Ben forcing me to blow him,” I said.

“Ouch!” Cole murmured.

“That’s harsh,” Pat agreed, “I was young too around six or so the first time my Dad ever did anything to me.”

“That sucks guys,” Cole commented.

“Well how old were you?” I asked Cole.

“It was after my mum died, I told you remember?” He asked me and I stopped and thought about it.

“You were like 10 right?” I asked to confirm and he nodded his head.

“Yep, did they just go straight to it not to be like gross or anything but isn’t like four and six, well wouldn’t that hurt really fucking bad?” Cole asked us.

I sighed, “For me there was a lot of other stuff and they didn’t actually, I don’t remember them … you know until I was 8 I think, Like the night I turned 8 then my Da did it and like two weeks later my Uncle did it while Will walked in on it,” I said.

“Oh fuck,” Cole frowned, “That had to be fun.”

“It’s kind of made things different between us since, I try to keep him kind of separate all of them really,” I said meaning my siblings.

“Good luck keeping it that way,” Cole said, “I remember what Justin told me about their Dad and him and Flynn.”

“What did Justin tell you about him and Flynn?” Pat asked curious.

“Well you know how they make us fuck right?” Cole mentioned as if it was no big deal, “The first time he ever made Justin and Flynn fuck Flynn was 13 or 14 and Justin was only like 9 or 10. Justin said it made Flynn hate himself, he tried to kill himself after that for the first time.”

“That’s not cool,” Pat shook his head, “My brother wasn’t around long enough for that to happen I guess.”

“Don’t tell Will this you tell him this I will kill you,” I said before continuing, “When we found out the leader was coming over for Christmas Will and I agreed that if it would keep someone else safe we would…” I said feeling my face go red, “We would have … Oh damn this is hard to say.”

“You would have sex with each other?” Cole asked me giving me this weird look somewhere between entertained and repulsed.

“Not exactly, see my Da our Da has shown real interest in,” I said, “Fuck I can’t say it!” I exclaimed.

“A three some?” Pat guessed and I nodded my head.

“Damn that’s brave,” Cole muttered shaking his head, “You and Will have some major balls.”

“Yeah, I don’t think I could agree to that,” Pat said.

“It kind of almost already happened so…” I could feel my face still red.

“Wait fuck for real?” Cole asked his eyes going wide.

“I was having a hard time and I knew Da would want to and I told Will I would handle it and he said he would do it so I didn’t have to and then we were fighting about it and Da came upstairs and he took us both downstairs. He didn’t make us really do it with each other but he made us kiss. Like kiss kiss like…”

Cole cut me off. “Like I kissed you?” He asked.

“Not that intense but, close,” I answered.

“Yeah,” Pat nodded his head, “they do that the brotherhood I mean, I think they do that to try and isolate that bond get rid of it so everyone feels kind of like they can’t talk to anyone else about it.”

“Do you think your dad is gay?” Pat asked me suddenly.

“I have no idea,” I said, “Why?”

“I think my Dad is totally gay,” Pat said lighting up another cigarette.

“Mine too,” Cole said, “Like fuck my dad is gay.” Cole shook his head.

“Why do you think that?” I asked curiously.

“Just a feeling I get,” Cole said, “I caught him once with a guy and I think he had a thing for that guy that he was with that night that,” Cole swallowed.

“Do you think that’s why he did it? To impress that guy?” I asked him.

Cole shrugged and I could see his emotion in his eyes for once. That faraway look some people get when they are trying not to think about something, trying not to show it bothers them even though it clearly does, “I don’t know,” he said after a minute, “Maybe I’m over thinking it.”

“I’m not sure my Da is gay,” I said trying to change the subject a little, “I mean he’s had lots of sex with my mum so he has to have some kind of attraction to women right?”

“Yeah but who does he have sex with more?” Pat asked causing me to cough on some smoke, “Sorry,” Pat said sheepishly.

I sighed, “I think me,” I said slowly unsure of how the words felt coming out of my mouth, “Just some stuff he says sometimes.”

“Oh your dad says some horrible shit,” Cole said.

I sighed deeply feeling the tears coming up again and Pat coughed loudly.

“Man this conversation is getting too serious let’s go have some fun,” he said.

“What type of fun?” Cole asked his mood perking up a little bit.

“Let’s go the beach and harass some bird watcher or that old fart with the metal detector,” Pat suggested.

“Who you mean old fart Freddy?” Cole asked.

“Who is old fart Freddy?” I asked.

“Oh he’s this old dude who walks the beach with this metal detector thing and he just walks up and down the beach with his beer and his little thing just going “beep, beep, beep” and we throw coins and shit down in the sand to watch him get all excited thinking he’s found something awesome for it to only be a bunch a dimes, “Pat explained.

“So he’s just like this loser that combs the beach?” I asked to clarify.

“Pretty much,” Cole said.

“Let’s do it,” I said smiling at the thought of just fucking with someone.

“All right let’s go tell your mom we’re leaving,” Pat said turning to walk back towards the playground where my family was at.

When we got back to the Playground my Mum and Karen were loading up the van and Dr. Palmer was nowhere to be seen, I walked up as Cole and Pat stood back by the swing set and waited. I wasn’t sure she would say yes because of the fact that she had said to me before that she didn’t want me hanging out with Pat and Cole but I wanted to try anyway because it sounded like a lot more fun than sitting at home waiting for my Da’s voice to start yelling through the intercom making my ears burn and my stomach sick.

“Mum?” I asked coming up behind her, “Can I go to beach with Pat and Cole?”

“If you boys behave, no drinking no drugging just the beach the closer one ok?” She said and I nodded my head.

“I want you to keep an eye on the time, I want you home by 5 for dinner with everyone ok?” She told me.

“Ok, I’ll be good I promise,” I said nodding my head excitedly and thanking her and then I hurried back to Cole and Pat.

“She said I could go surprisingly,” I said to them.

That was the first day of many good memories with those two, memories that have become blurred around the edges with time. We spent hours at the beach after managing to find a bum that brought us some vodka because we let him keep the change. We ran around dropping pennies from our pockets and the hiding in the brush near the dunes watching old Fart Freddy’s face light up every time his metal detector went off only to watch the disappointment and hear him swear loudly when he discovered it was only a small cheap disk of copper he had found.

Later as we were walking along the beach where the sand met the water and became that creamy crumbly muck people used to build sand castles we ran into some older girls trying to tan in the early evening sun, trying to catch those last rays to darken their skin before the sun got too low on the horizon and the winter evening started to set in with its even fiercer winds than those of the dusky evening or early afternoon. Pat turning on the full charm and Managing the con the girls out of some money to get us cigarettes.

I remember watching Pat closely and thinking about how effortless he made it all seem, how naturally flirting with them just came to him, how he just seemed to move the right way and say the right thing without even thinking about as we sat on the beach the girls playing music on their radio as be passed the bottle back and forth between the five of us.

I always found him memorizing. Pat with his black hair and blue eyes his lip ring, the setting sun catching the silver of it just right to make it sparkle a little as he laughed and the girls fawned over him. How Cole made everything seem so causal cracking large smiles and laughing loudly as Pat cracked jokes some of them making the girls hide their smiles behind their hands, hands like small birds coming to flutter close to their faces and pulling away again. I remember everything seeming so delicate. Every moment seeming so important because it wasn’t often I ever felt that relaxed and that happy.

Eventually the time came to leave and it came suddenly Pat grabbing my shirt sleeve to get my attention. “What time did your mom say you had to be home?” He said as we walked the girls to their car Cole carrying a basket full of towels they had used for sunbathing chatting away with them.

“5 why?” I asked not really concerned.

“Dude, it’s like 4:40 right now your mom is never going to let us hang out again if we don’t get you home like now,” Pat said to me.

“We can give you guys a ride,” Amber, one of the girls suggested.

“For real?” Pat asked sighing in relief.

“Yeah no problem, hop in,” She said opening up the car door and pulling the seat forward so the three of us could climb in the back seat.

I guided her to my road and we actually made it there by 4:56 and were outside my front gate.

“This is your house?” The other girl asked her mouth dropping open in shock.

“Yes,” I said as Amber climbed out of the driver’s seat and pulled the seat forward so the three of us could climb out of the back of her car, “Thanks,” I said.

“No problem,” Amber said, “You should give me a call sometime, my sister would really love you guys she’s closer to your age,” Amber smiled and winked at us, “Hope I’ll see you later sometime.” She waved getting back into her car and driving off as I ran up to the gate and punched in the 4-digit code to make it swing forward and allow me inside.

“Well guys,” I said shrugging my shoulders, “It’s been fun I’ll see you later. Check your email!”

“Yeah I will” Pat shouted back at me as him and Cole started walking down the street towards Boston Ave where Pat lived. I walked up the driveway feeling like my mum was going to be pissed even though I wasn’t really late getting home just late getting up to the house but when I opened the back kitchen door she smiled and waved me in.

“Did you have fun?” She questioned me a hopeful look on her face.

“Yeah, actually I did,” I said sitting down and cutting into my steak, “It was nice to get out of the house.” I said.

“Good I’m glad honey,” she said, “You look like you’re feeling better.” She added.

“I am at least a little bit,” I admitted to her. Getting out of the house had helped me feel not so hopeless.

“How was your afternoon?” I asked her.

“Tiring,” she said, “I went out to eat with Catty we talked about somethings, Will decided to eat and then disappear which is why he’s not at the table.” She mentioned.

“Yeah he’s in a weird mood again,” Mikey said.

“When is he not in a weird mood?” I asked.

“I don’t know he’s not that bad just super bossy,” Matty said.

“I don’t think he’s bossy,” James said frowning.

“He is he always tells us what to do,” Matty said.

“That’s his job, isn’t it?” James asked confused.

“Yes and no,” I answered him, “it’s good to listen to him because he bosses you around because he cares but you don’t have to do everything he says.”

“I don’t,” James said.

“Do too,” Matty teased.

“No he doesn’t,” Mikey said, “If he did his side of the room would be clean.”

“I think someone has found a chore to do before bed,” Mum said eyeing James.

“But mum,” he whined.

“Nope come on kiddo, you’re done eating so go upstairs and clean your room,” she said.

“But mum please,” he said.

“Do you really think it’s fair to make Mike and Matt sleep in your part of the mess?” she asked him as he huffed.

“ok,” he said “But will you read us a bedtime story tonight?” He asked.

“I will read you a bedtime story and Mike and Matt can listen if they like.” Mum said patting James on the head and giving his hair a kiss, “Now up you get, go clean your room.” She said to him as he got up and headed up the stairs.

“Why isn’t Catty at the table?” I asked.

“She’s just tired she went to bed early,” Mum said and I nodded knowing how tired being upset can make someone.

“Is Karen still upstairs,” I asked mum.

“No, Karen went home,” Mum said, “So you don’t have to worry about her. I wish you were nicer to her though John.”

“I don’t like dumb people mum I’m sorry,” I said.

“Well dear not everyone can be an outright genius now can they?” she said smiling.

“Yes but I don’t many people that daft,” I said.

“We’ll be patient with her, no everyone is blessed with the good genes and study habits you and your siblings have,” she sighed and the baby monitor started to scream, “Ok boys we need to go upstairs is everyone done?” she asked.

“I’m finished,” I answered getting up from the table and picking up my fork and plate to rinse off in the sink.

“Ok, who is not done?” My mum asked and Matt raised his hand.

“John can you stay down here with him until he finishes?” She asked me and I just shrugged.

She probably thought that being in groups would keep us safer than being alone. I sat at the table and waited for Matt to finish, watching the time on the clock tick by wondering where Da was at. Wondering if he would come downstairs at any second or if he was out of the house for whatever reason. Matt was eating slowly and being with another person had never exactly protected me the past but put me more directly in the line of fire so I was getting anxious waiting for him to finish clearing is plate. “Matt can you hurry up please?” I asked him trying to sound nonchalant.

“What’s wrong you scared?” He asked giving this look I had never seen on his face before or the face of any child for that matter.

This was the moment I realized there was something off about my little brother. I probably hadn’t noticed it before because I didn’t often spend one on one time with him. He started to eat slower.

“No, I’m not scared just nervous,” I said glancing at the stairs.

“Why?” He asked me putting his fork down and cocking his head at me almost like a predator listening to the sounds of movement trying to detect prey.

“You’re not nervous?” I asked him slightly uneasy.

“No, there’s nothing to be nervous about, he’s not that bad,” he sighed like he was bored.

“If you were smart you would be nervous,” I sighed.

“Well, I’m not but I’m not sure I’m stupid,” he said in an almost sing song voice.

“I didn’t say you were stupid,” I said.

“But you said if I wasn’t nervous I wasn’t smart,” He said, “Wouldn’t that mean you think I’m stupid?”

“No,” I said.

“I think that’s what it means,” He said and then he was silent for a moment as he chewed more of his food, “Who do you think is worse?” he asked all of the sudden.

“What?” I asked confused.

“Uncle Ben or Da who do you think is worse?” he asked me again.

“I don’t know,” I shrugged, “Da I guess. You?”

“They are different but I’m not sure one is worse than the other, Uncle Ben probably isn’t as bad because he can’t loan us out,” Matt said a matter of factly.

“Come again?” I asked shocked that he seemed so emotionless or bored of the conversation he had started.

“You know, Uncle Ben can’t just hand us over to whoever he wants to he has to ask Da first,” he said, “Da showed me movies.” He said.

My eyes widened and Matt smiled at me strangely, “Movies? What type of movies?” I asked cautiously.

“Home movies,” he said being vague on purpose.

“You’re being weird, are you done eating yet?” I asked him.

“No,” he answered.

Just then the elevator kicked on and was only one for a short amount of time so I knew it had to be someone coming from the third floor and not the 4th, “Matt come on hurry it up,” I said.

“You are scared,” he said smiling.

“Matt you’re not being funny come on,” I said.

“Fine, I’m done,” he said just as Da reached the top stair and I grabbed his plate to take it to the sink and rinse it before putting it in the dish washer my back already going cold because I knew what was about to happen and sure enough when he got down the stairs and found me bend over the dishwasher he grabbed my ass roughly.

“Hey baby,” he said above me and I froze up.

I didn’t want to do this right now. Especially knowing that one of my little brothers could be watching. “Da,” I said quietly standing up his hands finding their way under the waist band of my jeans. I gasped and all I could do was picture Matt watching in the darkness of the hall way even though I wasn’t really sure he was there at all.

“Want a drink?” He asked me whispering the question to my ear lobe and I nodded my head causing him to let go and reach up into the liquor cabinet taking down my favorite drink Vodka and uncapping the bottle handing it to me.

I took the biggest drink I could manage while he stared at me the burn in my nose and throat keeping me breathing.

“Why so nervous?” He asked me.

“I’m not nervous,” I gasped obviously lying.

“Then why are you shaking?” He asked me as I took another deep drink and then set the bottle down on the counter next to me.

“I don’t know,” I shook my head.

“I had an interesting conversation with your mum while you were gone this afternoon,” he said looking me straight in the eyes.

“Oh?” I asked trying to sound surprised.

“Yes she had a lot of questions about Hank, I wonder why that is?” He said in a menacing way.

“I don’t know,” I said.

“You didn’t name drop?” He said, “If that’s what you’re saying I find it odd that she asked if our children were safe with his daughter or if she had something she needed to worry about. She also said she wondered how I planned on having more children with her if I thought… What was it she said?” he said the question rhetorically, “Having sex with her was work.” he finished and I could feel my face glowing red. “You want to know what’s work John?” He asked me and I shrugged my shoulders trying to avoid his gaze, “Having a kid whom you love so much and just want to express that love with who can’t keep their mouth shut. Keeping their name out of a fish bowl where if their name is put there is a chance it will be drawn and that kid will pay with their lives you know how much money it cost to keep a kids name out of that bowl?” he asked.

I shook my head and he grabbed me tightly by the waist and lifted me up so I was sitting on the island counter. I exhaled through my mouth and counted to four in my head and then inhaled and did it again to keep myself breathing. “Around 100,000 dollars, you know how much money you owe me still?” he nearly hissed. I shook my head. “About 50,000 and you know how that debt got paid down? Hank is paying down your debt. He’s giving me payments so he can spend some time with you and you seem to not be very grateful that he would do such a thing for you.” My Da hissed.

I could feel myself trying not to cry as my Da held my biceps tight to keep me from going anywhere. I knew I was shaking now. I was fucking scared. I was so scared that he was going to do things to me right there in that kitchen and that someone would see. He squeezed my arms and I bit my lip to keep from making noise.

“You know what else I find interesting? Your mum had a lot of questions about which my children I found special. Which ones I had been with. You know why she would ask me that?” He asked me.

“Da I honestly don’t know; can we not do this tonight?” I asked him.

“Do what?” He asked me, “You’re mostly buzzed so why will it matter a couple more drinks and you might not remember anyway.” He licked his lips, “Besides you look kind of hot,” he said pulling me forward and licking my cheek, “You always look hot.”

I squeezed my eyes shut wishing the alcohol would kick in already if it was ever going to as he moved his lips to my mouth making out with me hard forcing me to lay down on the kitchen island his hand finding its way in-between us and unzipping my hoody pulling it down my shoulders and off my good arm and then stopping as it got stuck on my splint.

“Can we go somewhere else?” I asked quietly.

If he was going to do this I didn’t want it to be in the open where someone might stumble upon us I would rather it was downstairs or somewhere else that had a door, that could provide some privacy of some kind that way I didn’t have to think about someone walking in while I tried to keep myself from passing out which would have allowed him to do whatever he wanted not that anything would stop him from doing that.

“Living room?” He asked me rubbing my head and slowly moving my hoody sleeve over my splint trying to be careful not to hurt me even though my arm didn’t really hurt any longer and the splint was more for precaution than anything else.

“Really?” I asked averting my eyes, “Can’t we go somewhere else? Like downstairs maybe?” I asked.

“And last night you were so eager to make noise I thought you wanted someone to see,” he said helping me off the counter island his touch burning my skin and holding me by my splint taking me into the living room.

“Da please,” I said and he sighed.

“Fine,” he replied, “First in the living room and how about in your bedroom later?”

“That’s not what I meant,” I said gritting my teeth the thought of him in my bedroom again making me angry.

“Too bad,” he said his hand finding the zipper of my jeans and undoing them before I had a chance to protest as he pushed me back onto the couch. Using his body weight to pin me there his one hand slid under the waist band of my boxers and grabbed me. I gasped. I wasn’t ready for this I wasn’t nearly drunk and I knew I needed to be drunk in order to do this.

“Can I have another drink,” I asked as his hands slid from where they were up my belly and under my shirt as he started to kiss my neck, “Da, please,” I said feeling myself starting to panic as I moved trying to get him off, “Please, no, Please Da, please don’t do this,” I said as I felt the tears starting to form.

“What did you just say?” he said his voice complete venom as he stopped and looked at me still using his legs to keep me pinned underneath him. He stared at me and I stared back at him silently knowing it was better I didn’t say anything and he leaned back into me, “That’s what I thought,” he muttered biting my neck lightly his hands helping to move my shirt off and over my head my own squirming helping him get my shirt off easily.

I wasn’t sure what exactly he was planning to do but I knew whatever it was it wasn’t something I wanted and I could feel my body shaking badly but I didn’t want to piss him off so I didn’t say anything else even though I did put one of my hands in-between us to try and get him off me which he didn’t take very kindly too and squeezed my good wrist hard in response to my physical protest.

“You don’t stop I’ll break this arm too,” he said which made me freeze he then pulled me into a sitting position like I was a rag doll and I let him kissing me hard him slowly rolling my jeans and underwear down my legs so they were around my knees and he got down in front of me on the floor on his own knees.

I was shaking so badly that I wasn’t sure I could fight back if I tried as he started licking me his one hand holding my penis the other holding my good wrist tight ready to squeeze if I tried to fight or get away. I gasped as he took my tip in his mouth that warm wet feeling engulfing the tip of my penis that feeling that always makes you instantly go erect. I wanted to tell him to stop but instead all I dared to do was squeeze my eyes shut and try to pretend it wasn’t happening as my body flooded itself with the sensations of having oral sex preformed on me.

I made a humming noise trying to keep myself from screaming or actually moaning out because you can’t always help what noises come out but I was trying to bite them back and then I heard foot steps in the kitchen and I knew we were going to get caught. I just knew he heard it too because he started sucking harder as I squeezed my eyes shut talking to myself in my head “exhale through your mouth, one …two…three…four inhale through your nose one… two…three…four and” the noise of footsteps traveling down the hall started “and in exhale through your mouth one…the footsteps got closer…two…three they were at the entrance to the living room and the light switch in the hallway clicked on…four and inhale through your nose.” The person couldn’t see what was going on over the back of the couch but I knew they could at the very least see me sitting there. My Da stopped for a minute and handed me a pillow to cover myself as he waited for the person to speak.

“John what are you still doing downstairs?” I heard my mum ask timidly as I my Da stood up.

“Connor what’s going on?” she asked looking at him shocked and confused, “John are you ok?” I still didn’t answer.

“We were just having some private time,” My Da hissed at her in a way that made it evident what had been going on.

I couldn’t see her but I could feel her eyes looking at the back of my head and heard her gasp. “Connor leave him alone,” she said her request not sounding commanding at all but more tired, dejected. I couldn’t stop my body from shaking, I couldn’t keep my head from swimming and I could feel myself crying. I felt dirty my mum having just walked in on what she had, seeing what she had seen even though for the most part her view had been blocked. My Da went around the couch and I heard a smack and what sounded like my mum falling to the ground me frozen unable to move as the sound of more hard hits followed. I wanted to do up my jeans and look I wanted to comfort her but I felt frozen inside and I wasn’t sure if she wanted me to.

“You want to know the difference between work and play Danielle? This is the difference,” he hissed at her each impact against her making a noise of contact, “Don’t you ever interrupt my time with my son again.” He said and that’s when I dared to look over.

She was on the floor using her arms to shield her head and face from the blows of his foot as he kicked at her on the floor. I found my voice, “Da please?” I more asked then demanded knowing I would end up on the floor next to her if I wasn’t careful as I pulled my pants back into place and zipped them up.

I felt numb, slow and stupid and I knew the alcohol was finally starting to kick in the way it should have a couple moments ago. He stopped and turned to look at me. “You’re ok,” he said leaving my mum laying on the floor and coming over to me hugging me as if he could comfort me and wasn’t the cause of my pain my body tensed up and I knew he felt it and he wasn’t happy about it but I felt more numb then scared. More confused than upset.

That night was the night I truly knew everything I had thought about my mum was right, she couldn’t protect me from him. She couldn’t protect any of us from him.

“Let’s go downstairs,” he whispered into my ear tucking a loose bit of my hair behind my ear seductively.

I looked at my mum watching us from the floor and I didn’t feel anything but numb as he kissed my cheek bone and took me by the hand starting to lead me into the kitchen so we could go down into the basement. I swallowed hard.

“Connor,” I heard my mum moan in pain from the floor, “Stop it,” she said weakly.

“He’s my kid Danielle how many time do we have to go over this? Isn’t that right baby?” He said nuzzling my cheek and the side of my neck. I felt unsure of whether I was supposed to answer or not my whole body felt frozen.

I felt responsible for her. I felt like it was my job to keep him from hitting her again or to draw his attention to another target, me. I allowed him to pull me by the hand from the room into the kitchen and down the basement stairs. He didn’t even wait for us to get to one of the red rooms in order to start undressing me his hands feeling like claws as they reached down and unzipped my jeans again forcing them back down past my hips along with my underwear in the middle of the hallway floor reaching behind me and throwing the door open to the red room with the beds.

By the time we made it to the actual bed cross the room I was naked and he had started leaving marks on my collar bone and upper chest from all the sucking and kissing he was doing as we fell onto the bed him pinning me there my arms above my head. I wanted to scream. I wanted to tell him to stop but I was too afraid to move, too afraid to really do anything but what he wanted me to do he moved putting my legs on his shoulders and he reached over onto the floor pumping a generous amount of lube onto his hand and applied it as I grabbed the fitted sheet in my fist and he entered me.

I gasped. I didn’t want to do this. I knew I didn’t want to do this but I could tell he was in a horrible mood and would probably hit me if I tried to say no or fight him so I just waited my whole body tense as he waited for me to adjust.

“Relax baby,” he cooed looking down at me watching my face intently, “You’re so tense just relax,” he said grabbing my knees as he started to thrust.

“Oh,” I said in spite of myself as he immediately found and hit my g-spot.

“Yeah?” he asked smiling at me excitedly doing it again watching me grit my teeth to keep from saying anything else. My whole body shuddered as he continued his motion on top of me, me balling my fist tighter around the fabric and squeezing my eyes shut.

He pushed deeper slowly and I gasped sort of like a high pitched wheeze he took this as a sign that it felt good which, I’ve had more anal sex receiving then I have had doing anything else in my life still at this point and it’s a different feeling. I don’t associate it with emotional pleasure but it’s almost like someone giving you a jump scare it’s a sharp yet tingling sensation. He started moving faster.

“whoa,” I gasped, “Shit,” I said trying really hard to watch what I said in case he decided to punch me or go rough as he leaned more of his body weight onto me making it easier for him to move in and out.

“You like that huh?” he asked me excitedly.

I wanted to tell him ow, I wanted tell him to stop and I knew I couldn’t my breath coming faster and shorter as he picked up speed each thrusts hitting deeper inside of me my mouth opening to make an o shape as I tried to stop making noises and I could feel my tears starting to form behind my eyes as my face started to flush. I didn’t want to feel this I wanted it to stop.

“Let it happen baby,” he said leaning in and kissing my collar bone and upper chest, “Come on baby just let it happen, come for daddy,” he moaned pushing harder and faster as my breath started getting caught in my chest.

“Oh god yes, you’re so tight you’re always so tight,” me moaned as my muscles started to tense and I started to cum my whole body shuddering as I ejaculated all over my own stomach, “That’s it baby,” he moaned as he started to thrust harder than I ever thought possible until he too climaxed collapsing on top of me. Where he laid for a moment or two silent before he sighed pulling out.

My whole body was still buzzing, my skin on fire and tingling all at once. I just wanted him to quit touching me I wanted to push him away but instead I forced myself to stay frozen because I knew if I tried to push him off I would make him angry.

“I don’t think you’re done,” he said looking at me grabbing my penis and starting to give me a hand job my fist coiling tight around the fabric still clenched there.

I knew what he was going to do and I couldn’t stand the thought of it as he started kissing his way down my stomach my mouth opened up in a silent scream as he took me in his mouth. Everything hurt. Like sparks of electricity shooting through my whole system my whole body over stimulated, twitching as he blew me making me cum again. When he was finished he kissed my cheek and I could feel the scream clawing waiting to get out as I laid there my nails digging into the inside of my hand through the fabric of the sheet. After I was sure I wouldn’t stutter when I spoke I took a deep breath.

“Can I get up?” I asked him through clenched teeth my whole body still shaking.

“You were a good boy, so I suppose you can,” he said his eyes raking up and down my shaking but still exposed naked body.

I put my foot on the ground my knees wobbling each step feeling like I was going to fall over my whole body sore from each muscle being as tense as it could be. I made it to the bathroom and shut the door leaning my back up against it trying to keep my crying quiet so he didn’t hear it. After I was sure I was calm enough to go back out there I did, and stood far enough away from the bed that he couldn’t grab me and pull me back to it.

“Can I go now?” I asked numbly.

“You were a good boy so yeah,” he said, “I might come see you later though. Oh yeah when you’re mum and I go out of New Year’s I expect you to help Hank and your Uncle out.” He said smiling evilly at me.

“What?” I asked feeling light headed.

“Your mum doesn’t know, don’t tell her it will ruin our plans,” he said looking at me and I nodded my head turning and opening the door to the red room and stepping out in the hallway.

I followed the floor with my eyes finding my underwear and jeans as I walked stopping to put them on and slowly making my way very sore up the basement steps and into the kitchen where I found my hoody and shirt on the floor and picked them up not bothering to put them on and stared up the back stairwell that lead from the kitchen to the second floor.

“John?” I heard a quiet voice say and I turned to look seeing my mum there, her lip bloody and her right eye swollen the skin already starting to darken around it.

“I need to shower,” I said simply not really looking her in the eyes.

“Oh honey,” my mum said and I could hear the tears in her voice.

“Just let me go shower, I need to shower now,” I said I could feel my own tears getting ready to glide down my cheeks my whole body still shaking.

“John honey I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry,” she started crying.

“Mum please, just let me go shower,” I said one of my tears finally breaking free from my tear duct as I started ascending the stairs turning away from her not bothering to look back as she continued to cry.

I made it upstairs and managed to make it to the elevator. It wasn’t that I didn’t care it was that I couldn’t deal with her pain and my own all at once closing my eyes once the elevator doors slid shut trying to pull myself together before they opened again.


	15. 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Da and Mum talk about whether they are going to stay home for New years or head off to New York. A surprise and unwelcome person returns home and Pat and John get to know each other even better Pat letting John know he's aware of how John may feel about him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to cut this down because I almost gave you 100 pages so I cut it in half. Most of this is leading up to some things just chatter and building relationships and clarifying some stuff. John and Will questioning the actions of mum that sort of thing. Lots of dialogue because what's a story without dialogue. Warnings: rape, physical abuse talk and thoughts of suicide, Talks of rape/sexual abuse underage drinking ,underage smoking, swearing, talk of child pornography forced video taping. Some might say dubious consent but honestly I don't believe that consenting to having sex because you don't want to get the snot beat out of you is real consent but more cohersion same  
> thing with someone threatening someone you care about to get the same thing. I believe that's rape all the way and refuse to label it dubious consent because honestly it's blackmail.  
>  I still have like 0 comments which I'm not sure if I find it surprising I haven't been told I'm sick yet or not. My own brain can be confusing though so I'm not thinking about it too hard.

“Where’s mum?” James asked when I stepped off the lift and then he saw my face, “ok,” he said even though I didn’t answer him and continued down the hallway.

I made it to my room and started peeling my pants off again turning on the shower water not bothering to shut my bathroom door. It didn’t really matter anyway I remember thinking. No closed door was going to stop him if he wanted me that badly is what I thought as I unwrapped my splint and set it on the sink before I climbed into the shower sitting on the bottom of the tub floor my knees to my chest and let the water hit me like a hot cleansing rain. I don’t know how long I was in there staring straight ahead at nothing wishing I could escape, wishing I was anywhere and anyone but where and who I was. After a couple of moments, I heard my bedroom door open and shut and I braced myself thinking it might be Da again and then the person spoke.

“John what happened to mum?” Will’s voice asked gently.

“Da,” I said emotionless.

“He hit her?” he asked me trying to coax some answers out of me.

“She came into the living and he was…” I paused trying to find a decent way to put it, “with me so when she walked in on it he hit her and then kicked her.”

“He took you downstairs didn’t he?” Will asked cautiously.

“Why does it matter?” I said trying very hard to keep the venom out of my voice. It wasn’t his fault that my life was such shit and I knew that but I felt it was a stupid question and I was sore and raw and angry.

“Because it’s not right,” Will sighed and heard him close the toilet lid and sit down on it.

“Is there anything I can do to help? Do you need anything?” he asked me quietly.

“If you go to the second office downstairs on the 3rd floor the bottom desk drawer there’s a couple bottles can you bring them to me?” I asked slowly figuring he would probably say no but figuring it didn’t hurt to ask.

“John I…” I cut him off.

“He’s not done, he told me so himself, please?” I asked again.

There was silence for a moment from the other side of the curtain and then he sighed loudly, sadly, “ok,” he said, “just this once though all right?” he told me and I nodded my head forgetting for a minute that he couldn’t see me.

“thanks,” I said.

“Yeah, I’ll be back in a minute. After that I have to get everyone that’s awake in bed,” he said getting up and leaving shutting the bathroom and bedroom doors behind him.

I stayed in the shower until the water ran colder than I could stand it and then got up and dried myself off opening the bathroom door afraid that Da might be there and taking a deep breath of relief when all I found was the three bottles of alcohol on my nightstand with a bottle of ibuprofen next to them. I took the cap off the one I had already been drinking out of and drank as much of it as I could in one go coughing and sputtering as I came up for air and then taking some pills and putting them into my mouth using another drink to wash them down as I curled up under my covers and tried to relax.

I found that I couldn’t relax that I didn’t feel safe enough to relax so I ended up taking my clean comforter that had replaced the other one from the night before and curling up in my closet on the floor of it making sure I took the bottle with me. Not that it was hiding or anything it just felt better than being in that bed. I remember feeling numb and thinking that this was different than before. These last two times. I remember wishing I could figure out what I had done to make things change to make it all so much more invasive all of the sudden. After a while I must have fallen asleep because I don’t remember anything until later that night when I heard a quiet shuffling in my bedroom that woke me and I sat up hugging my knees to my chest just as the closet door opened.

“There you are baby, I was just about to go cuddle with one of your brothers if I didn’t find you in here,” he said smiling at me, “Come on,” he said holding his hand out for me, offering to help me up which I refused to take.

Once I got to my feet I immediately pulled my shirt off over my head and started taking off my pants because I knew that’s what he was there for and I had resided myself to my fate for the night already. “Eager are you?” he asked me taking his own shirt off over his head his words hitting me like knifes stabbing at me making me hesitate in continuing, “Well don’t stop now,” he shrugged his shoulders stepping out of his pants and underwear and I moved to do the same.

I remember trying my hardest to blank out like I had when I was younger and not being able to no matter how hard I tried yet when I think about it today this time blends into every other time after that, fuzzy and faded. After going through the motions so many times they all start to feel the same I guess. The same thing whispered into your ear the words stinging and tickling making your stomach sick, the same breaths breathed into the skin on your neck the same kisses that burn, the same hands that feel like fire the same thrust that make you feel like your soul is dying with each one.

He spent that night with me like he had the night before and again I didn’t sleep. I squeezed my eyes shut as he got up to leave like the pervious morning not moving until he was gone. This time when he left however I had a something with me to drown me out and make it so I could finally sleep.

When I woke up it was later I could tell because the sunlight didn’t quiet burn through the blinds so brightly but it wasn’t super later either probably midafternoon. My head was pounding a headache sitting right behind my eyes feeling like it was trying to eject my eyes from their sockets. I knew I had to get up though otherwise I felt things wouldn’t be going too well for me and I might concern some people so instead of drinking some more and trying to lay back down I got up slowly and opened my bedroom door the light hitting me like someone had just flashed the brightest camera flash in my face known to man that wouldn’t die away.

“fuck,” I sighed pinching the bridge of my nose hoping it would somehow help my killer headache as I stumbled into the kitchen.

It really didn’t do anything but Will was sitting there with Andy, Laura and Malachy in their highchairs eating snacks. “Hey,” Will said as he saw me stumbling in.

“Do we have anything quick to eat,” I managed to ask coherently.

“Cereal and goldfish crackers,” Will answered.

“Cereal, it is,” I sighed going to the fridge and getting out the milk and finding a bowl for myself picking frosted flakes over fruity pebbles.

“You ok?” He asked me.

“I’m alive,” I said, “thank you for that favor by the way.”

“Don’t mention it and don’t tell mum she’ll kill me,” he said.

“Yeah, I know but if you’re dead then I’m dead and buried because you did it for me,” I smiled lightly making my face hurt, “Have you seen her today?”

“Yeah, she hasn’t come up today Karen’s been taking care of everyone while complaining that she needs us to hire a second nanny so she has help,” he said, “You going to go down and talk to her?”

I sighed spooning some cereal into my mouth and then swallowing to answer his question, “I was thinking I probably should, then I’ll come back and hang out in my room I guess.”

“You’re in a lot of pain?” He asked me. I just nodded my head.

“I’ll make sure everyone leaves you be then,” he sighed as Andrew giggled making me wince.

“Mum isn’t in a good place just a warning,” Will said.

“Would you be?” I asked him.

“Probably not I’d probably feel like a complete mess, she didn’t tell me much about it though so…” he shrugged and took a wash cloth wiping crumbs from Andrews face as he took him out of the highchair and set him on the floor to go wander off and did the same with Laura.

“You want to know?” I asked him and he looked me and shrugged his shoulders, “I’m beyond tired, I just want him to leave me alone, give me a week, 3 days’ hell just one fucking night would be nice.”

Will just nodded his head without really looking at me starting to clean up the mess, “You ok?” I asked him curiously.

“Not really,” he sighed.

“You’ve been run ragged too?” I asked him sighing into my cereal bowl as I pressed it to my lips drinking the last of the milk from the bottom making sure it is void of liquid before I washed it and put it in the dish drainer.

“Nah, just stuff,” he said, “James is still, withdrawn I guess would be a good way to put it,” he said.

“Just give him time,” I sighed starting to walk away towards the elevator.

“Tell her we need her, that she can’t do this, please?” He asked me and I nodded my head without turning to look at him as I stepped into the elevator and then the door shut behind me.

I turned to punch my code in and rode it down to the second floor checking the guest room mum always slept in when her and Da were fighting or not getting along I pushed the door open lightly and there she was. Lying in the bed in the dark her good eye open her left one still swollen shut from the impact of his fist to her face. “Mum,” I said quietly, “mum are you ok?” I asked standing in the door way.

“I’m fine, I just don’t want the littles to see me like this,” she answered, “Are you ok?”

I crossed my arms in front of me and shrugged my shoulders, “It is what it is,” I answered simply avoiding looking at her eyes.

“I hate him,” She sighed, “I think we’re going to stay home for new year’s.”

“Don’t, I really need a break,” I said feeling my cheeks burning slightly thinking about the admission. What I was implying. That the abuse had been pretty consistent.

My mum nodded her head, “Ok,” she said “I’ll make sure we go.”

“Thank you,” I said quietly.

“I’ll find something to do, maybe I’ll just skip dinner and him and I will spend the time hanging out with Mr. Lord they talk all business anyway,” she commented and I felt my stomach jump into my throat.

I wanted to be sick. I hated that my mum trusted the Leader that she didn’t know but I didn’t have the courage to tell her. I didn’t want to have to think about her knowing what had happened. It was bad enough she knew about Da and Uncle Ben and she had an idea about Hank. She also knew about the video my Da had shown her but I was pretty sure she didn’t know there were others and I didn’t want her thinking there were others.

“Yeah,” I said quietly.

“I will get us out of this,” she said and at that I felt myself starting to get angry.

“You keep saying that and has anything changed?” I asked with slight contempt.

“John, I swear to you,” she said and cut her off.

“No more swearing mum, either get it done and change it or quit promising it will. I’m tired ok? You have other kids you have to take care of I know that I’m not stupid ok?” I said and I could feel myself trying not to become hysterical.

“John you think I want him to do this?” She asked me.

“No but I know you can’t stop him,” I said and then sighed. There were so many other things I wanted to say. So many things I wanted to ask her but, I was afraid of her answers. I was afraid of what she thought. I mean what if she didn’t fight harder to protect me because she thought I wanted it? What if she didn’t really love me anymore but just put up with me because as long as I was around there was a better chance at everyone else being left alone? I was scared to find out. To find out if she hated me or not.

“I wish I could you know?” She asked me.

I wanted to believe her but, I found it hard to accept what she said as fact. After everything she knew I found it difficult to believe she still loved me and that she wasn’t repulsed by me or even worse that she hated me. I just nodded my head in response.

She sighed, “I will get us out of here, it’s just a matter of getting the money together to make sure we can leave and stay gone, I can only take a little bit out of the bank at a time. I almost have enough. Around July we should be good. Can you make it to July?” she asked me eyeing me seriously, “I just need you to last that long after that we’re out of here.”

I didn’t think I could. I knew I was on the edge as it was and didn’t think I could make it another eight months. Not like this. I took a deep breath thinking that when July came I could always make sure everyone else was safe and then end it and that things would be ok. I sighed heavily and looked at her, “Yes, as long as you promise me by July it will be over,” I said.

“I swear honey, I swear we’ll be gone by then,” she said again her eyes lighting up at the fact I said I could keep going.

“I should go back upstairs before he realizes I’m not up there and I’m down…” she cut me off.

“In the actual house, yeah I know,” she said and reached out offering her arms to hug me.

I looked at her but didn’t move forward and she put her arms down, giving up not wanting to have to force me into hugging her, “I love you.” She said.

“I love you too mum,” I said quietly and opened the door to leave.

“Give everyone else my love too,” she said and I nodded my head closing the door behind me. I went to the elevator and got on, punching in my code and expecting it to go up to the fourth floor but instead it stopped on the third and the door started to open.

I felt myself panicking. I knew he couldn’t find me downstairs. I knew it was a bad thing when that door started to open and I knew I was in trouble and if he touched me I was going to try and kill myself. I knew that despite the promise I had made my mum that I couldn’t deal with it today but I also knew the elevator wouldn’t go up again until I put my code back in and I couldn’t let him see what my code was. The elevator kept opening and there he was standing there.

“Oh, hi baby,” he said and I knew my eyes had widened in fear, “Don’t look at me like that,” he said sharply and grabbed me by the collar of my shirt pulling me out of the elevator. “I was going to do downstairs to see your mom but,” he sighed and smiled making me sick to my stomach, “I would much rather be with you on my lunch break.”

I felt my whole body start shaking, “Da please,” I said trying to calm myself down, “Please I just need to go upstairs and relax. I don’t feel well Da I just want to…” he cut me off.

“Well you can relax down here with me can’t you? Wouldn’t it be nice to spend some time in a bigger bed with me?” he asked me, “I can give you something to drink, I’ll be quick,” he said leaning in whispering the words into my neck as he started to kiss on me.

His hand found the small of my back and started traveling up the back of my shirt and I felt my skin tingling that tingling that made me sick to my stomach and made me want to scream but I knew that I couldn’t that even saying no, don’t or stop would earn me some terrible pain today so I squeezed my eyes shut as he slid his tongue in my mouth and started making out with me, pulling us towards one of the guest suites.

He broke the kiss for a moment to open the door and start pulling my shirt over my head, “wait,” I said breathlessly trying to pull away lightly.

“What did you just say?” he stopped and stared at me, his eyes menacing.

“I—I really don’t feel well Da,” I pleaded as he turned us so he was pushing me through the door way towards the bed.

“Don’t worry you just have to lay there,” he said pushing me lightly so I fell backwards onto the foot of the bed and he leaned over top of me using his weight to pin me there.

I felt myself starting to cry. I hated this and I knew I couldn’t deal with it at that moment that if he did I was going to break just as I had the night before and the night before that. That in the end I would end up in the bathroom shoving something into my throat so I could drown out my own screams as I tried not to scratch my top layer of skin off as his hands reached in-between us and started undoing my pants.

On instinct grabbed his wrist hard and started trying to pull his hands away, “Da please stop, don’t do this,” I begged him which earned me a punch in my exposed stomach somewhere above my belly button knocking the wind out of me.

“You want me to hurt?” he asked me as I coughed half out of surprise and half out of pain, “You want it rough?” he smiled evilly at the word hitting me in the stomach again. “You do like him better don’t you, you little shit?” he asked me the anger rolling off of him in hot waves.

At first I was confused who he meant and then he spoke again, “You came so hard for him you’ve never cum like that for me, I knew you liked him more even when you lied to me about it. I’ll make sure he never touches you again.” He hissed into my collar bone biting down hard enough to make me bite my own cheek to keep from screaming out in pain but not hard enough to draw blood. That’s when I knew he was talking about the leader. How my body had reacted to the way he had touched me.

“No I really don’t I swear,” I replied as he undid his belt and wrapped it around my good wrist using it to restrain me like he was going to use it to tie my wrist to the head board as he picked me up to slowly slide me up to the head of the bed straddling me as we slid towards it.

“I don’t believe you,” he said as he started to tie the other end of his belt to the head board.

“No really, I swear Da please,” I said.

I was scared I didn’t know what he would do but I imagined it being somewhere near the violence that Uncle Ben constantly inflicted on me whenever he decided he wanted to “play” as he referred to it.

“Please what?” he asked me undoing my pants fast and nearly ripping them off me, “please stop? I don’t think so you see this body?” he asked me grabbing me by the neck, “this is mine don’t you get it? I can do whatever I want with you and you know what? Your mom is such a pussy she’s not going to stop me, she can’t even when she tries. You think you have any rights here? You might be my favorite but you will not tell me what I can and cannot do you understand me?” he hissed putting pressure on my trachea making me choke slightly.

He watched my face and smiled as my head started to feel dizzy, soft and fuzzy around the edges and then he let go laughing slightly. I took my free splinted hand and touched my throat gently staring at him cautiously. He had just choked me. He had done it before but I had never seen him so excited about it before and I must have given him a heated look because he laughed even more, “Like you could stop me?” he hissed as he brought his hand up to my neck again.

I squeezed my eyes shut because I thought he was going to choke me again and choke me until I passed out this time but instead he just grabbed my splinted arm and moved it away and started sucking and kissing my neck lightly where his hand had been choking me. He started kissing down my body moving to the side to assault one of my nipples by biting it and sucking it roughly making me gasp. Making my body jump in surprise and fear.

“Yeah?” he asked looking up spit dribbling down his chin onto my nipple from his mouth.

He looked evil, nearly demonic and I knew better than the say anything to him. I swallowed hard biting down on my tongue. I wanted to swear at him, I want him to get the fuck off me and yet I knew he wouldn’t. I knew if I said anything he would hit me again harder than he had the other times and that he would probably violently penetrate me making sure I was hurt and sore so when him and mum left on New Year’s Eve Hank would hurt me even worse. I could see it in his face, he wanted to break me.

“I can be good,” I gasped suddenly surprising myself. Maybe I was more afraid of violence then I wanted to believe.

“Can you really?” he asked and I nodded my head.

“Can you be active?” he asked me and I swallowed hard as I thought about it.

I knew I would hate myself for it, I knew I couldn’t stand the thought of it but I also knew I was needed, that I needed to be physically able to care for my brothers and sisters at least while my mum recovered so that Will wouldn’t have to do it alone because let’s face it I didn’t trust Karen, and I never would .Considering who her father was and that any ties my siblings developed with Karen were ties with him. I nodded in reply and I saw his eyes light up in a way I had never seen them do before.

“You swear?” he asked me again and again I nodded.

“If, it’s what you want,” I said quietly the words making me want to cut my tongue out because I knew what they meant that I had better deliver on my promise, “Can I have a drink?” I asked timidly.

“Of course,” he said releasing my good arm so I was no longer restrained and he got up off the bed and went to the door, “I’ll be right back,” he said getting up and shutting the door behind him.

“fuck,” I whispered to myself sitting up.

I knew I couldn’t go anywhere that I was stuck and I just thought I really hope I get fucking pissed before he really starts up. When he said he wanted me to be active me meant he wanted me to engage, to touch him to caress him as he assaulted me to make sounds to make it seem like I was enjoying it, like it was a consensual act and I knew in order to do that I had to be pissed. I just kept thinking how fucking stupid I was to agree to it and how bad I was going to feel after it was over. I grabbed my boxers and pulled them back on opening the French doors onto the balcony and went up to the railing resting my head on it.

I sighed and looked down and out over our back yard, a back yard I had barely seen or used. The basketball court and swimming pool. I watched the water of the swimming pool closely wondering if I could make the jump and hit the pool water from the balcony I was standing on or if I attempted to would I miss and end up hitting the concrete instead? Either way it didn’t seem like a loss with both possibly ending in my death.

I heard the door open but didn’t bother to move. I knew he was bringing me what I had asked for but I also knew he would come to me and sure enough after a few moments I felt his arms wrap around my waist as he spoke, “Nice view isn’t it?” he asked me laying his head on my shoulder as his one hand started finding its way past the waist band of my boxers and I flinched. He must have followed the direction of my gaze because he sighed heavily.

“Don’t start thinking like that,” he said, “I’m not that horrible it’s a good way to get me there, thinking like that. When I started thinking like that you know what your grandfather did to me? He locked me in the basement for two weeks and we didn’t have a nice basement when I was a kid, it was old and gross with pipes hanging around all over and dingy, there was a dirty old mattress on the floor in the corner. Not the nice painted rooms we have here,” he said.

“Would you really do that to me?” I asked him, turning to look at him as he let go of me.

“If it was to keep you alive? Yes, I love you John. I know you think I don’t but I really do,” he said hugging me to his chest, “you’re special to me you’re my first kid, I have a special relationship with you and I don’t want that to go away.” He answered as I pushed him away lightly and went back into the room to grab my bottle and down as much of it as I could.

I took a huge gulp as he stared at me his arms crossed over his chest and then did it again as quickly as I could just be enjoying the burn in my nose and throat and then he started to approach me and I took a couple steps back, “you promised,” he reminded me.

I swallowed hard, “I was kind of hoping I’d be buzzed before we got to that,” I said as my back hit the wall and he closed the last bit of space between us. I felt my face flush.

“I’ll go slow, I promise,” he whispered into the crook of my neck as he started to kiss me and back me up onto the bed again.

I felt my heart thumping against my rib cage as if it was trying to escape as he forced his tongue past my lips and started pulling my underwear off, only breaking our kiss for a few moments to undo his pants and pull them down around his knees as he continued to kiss me going from my lips down to my collar bone.

“Ok, slow down,” I gasped squeezing my eyes shut as he kissed my belly button and I tried not to push him off me, “please just slow down,” I begged as he ignored me taking me into his mouth.

“fuck,” I said breathlessly as he started to go down on me and I grabbed the back of his head, hoping to distract him and bring his attention back to my face but he took this as a sign that I was enjoying myself and started sucking harder and faster bringing me to full arousal, “Oh god,” I moaned in more of a prayer then consent as I started to climax after a couple of minutes. I could feel my cheeks burning with shame as my eyes started to roll and my mouth formed a silent O as I ejaculated into his mouth my back arching and my head thrown back as I tried to breathe. I could feel my whole body shaking, twitching as it fought itself, as it fought me my breath coming in sharp short gasps.

“Yeah?” He asked me moving his face back up to mine and kissing me on the cheek, “That felt good huh?” he asked as he got up for a minute and grabbed something out of the nightstand drawer.

A bottle of lube. He used a generous amount slathering it onto himself and pushed my legs apart at the knees my body still shaking. I felt the cold being rubbed in-between my ass cheeks and I bit my bottom lip to keep myself from screaming or begging in protest my body still trembling.

“ready?” he asked me quietly hugging me close to him for a minute and I nodded my head bracing myself for the sharp pain of him entering me.

Being prepared for it didn’t help the pain feel any less and I gasped and hissed as he slowly slid inside of me my whole body trying to reject it, “it’s ok just give it a minute, it always feels good after a minute,” he said staring into my eyes watching my expression closely as I fought to keep it together, to not cry my brain finally starting to feel a little fuzzy as the alcohol started to hit my system finally.

“Oh!” I said as he thrusted up inside me the first time and he held my left hip to guide himself placing his other arm underneath me in a half embrace. He thrusted again kissing my neck.

“I know baby, oh god you feel so good, you’re always so tight,” he muttered into my ear thrusting deep this time hitting my g-spot.

“fuck,” I gasped as my insides jumped the pressure starting to build back up and I wrapped my legs around his waist out of instinct even though it made me sick to my stomach.

“God yes,” he moaned into my neck hitting it again my groin starting to tingle and that weird pressure starting to build.

I wanted to cry. I didn’t want to do this, I didn’t want him on top of me or inside me I wanted to push him away but I knew I couldn’t I couldn’t go back on my word and what I said and the buzz wasn’t working the way I needed it to.

“Shit,” moaned as he started bucking inside of me faster and faster the pressure building stronger with each thrust. I knew I was going to cum soon if he didn’t slow down but I felt him fill me and then he started to slow not pulling out, each thrust going hard and deep but slow and steady the feeling of having to piss growing with every moment.

“ok,” I said swallowing as I tried to catch my breath, “ok,” I nodded my head meaning I felt like I was done even though I hadn’t reached orgasm again, “I’m going to…”

“Really? Oh!” he said looking at me quizzically at first and then excitedly as he grabbed me in his hands and slid out of me and started jacking me off.

“th-at’s n-noot what I meant,” I said as I felt myself on the verge of orgasm my eyes started to roll and I finally exploded my muscles contracting rapidly as I came hard all over.

“Fuck yeah!” he said as my cum shot up pretty high covering his hand and my lower stomach my toes curling and my body twitching as I stopped breathing and came really hard, “that’s it baby yes, god I love it when you cum,” he said watching as I finished and then licking my cum from my stomach and then his hand, “you always taste so good,” he said grabbing a sock from the ground and wiping my stomach off for me as I lay there trying to gain control and feeling back in my body, “you’re fucking amazing you know that baby?” he asked me looking at me excitedly and I felt my stomach drop and like my heart was about to stop.

I covered my eyes with my casted arm and bit my bottom lip hard because I knew I was going to start crying.

“Oh, no no baby, don’t do that, it’s ok, you’re ok,” he said pulling my face into his still clothed chest, “There’s nothing to be ashamed about, this is love this is beautiful baby, don’t be upset come on,” he said rubbing my back as he held me tightly making me feel even sicker to my stomach making me twitch even more.

I didn’t dare to try and pull away even though I wanted to scream at him, I wanted him to let me go. I waited until my breathing even out and I was sure I wasn’t actually crying to move my arm away from my face even though I could still feel the lump in my throat. I moved my arm and looked at him slowly to see him staring down at me in a way that made my stomach turn and make me feel like I was going to be sick. As he looked at me in a way you look at a spouse or lover and not your child.

I took a deep breath to make sure my words would be steady and clear, “Can I go shower now?” I asked him.

“Oh come on baby you don’t want to shower. Don’t you want to smell like us?” he asked me tracing a finger from my cheek bone to my collar bone.

I swallowed hard my tongue touching my back molar as I started to feel the tears resurfacing and I squeezed my eyes shut, “come on get it together,” I thought to myself exhaling through my mouth. “If I smell like it everyone will know,” I answered.

“Don’t you want them to? Don’t you want them to know how special you are to me?” he asked me caressing my neck with his own face gently landing kisses up and down my bruised neck and throat that was still healing.

I didn’t want them to know. I didn’t want anyone to know especially because I had agreed to it just so I didn’t get the snot beaten out of me and I almost wished I had said no because having a couple or bruises and tearing was better than the way I felt sick to my stomach, the way I felt jumpy and embarrassed and guilty. I couldn’t tell him that though, I knew I couldn’t tell him that.

“I don’t feel so good,” I mumbled lightly in his arms.

“I know baby you just have to let your body relax is all,” he said running a hand through my hair lightly, “just give it a couple of minutes and you’ll feel better, there’s nothing to be upset about, you’re ok.” He lied to me.

He cradled me for a couple more minutes watching me carefully and then he sighed and looked at his watch, “My lunch break is over, I have to go back into the office,” he said to me, “You can stay here and just relax as long as you want ok? It would be nice to find you here when my shift is done, I could make you feel really good again,” he said and kissed my forehead, “I love you baby ok?” he said to me.

“Yeah,” I replied numbly, emotionless, “I love you too,” I said because I knew it’s what he wanted to hear and he let me go and got up, picking his pants up off the foot of the bed and putting them back on like it was the most normal thing in the world and he got up buttoning up his up his pants and walking out the door closing it behind him.

I laid there for a minute rubbing at my eyes trying to keep the tears from coming but it didn’t help any. I turned to lay on my stomach and shove my head into a pillow so I could bite it and shriek into it without drawing his attention back to me and I sobbed into until I couldn’t breathe anymore and I knew my cries would be silent or stop. After a couple minutes of stressed silence but me being absolutely sure I was done crying for the moment I rolled over onto my back and then after that I sat up hugging my knees to my chest and grabbing the bottle of Rum on the nightstand taking a big gulp of it even though my head was still buzzing and I knew it wouldn’t stop anytime soon. It took me about 10 more minutes to finally decide that if I couldn’t shower down here because the water turning on would draw his attention that I would go upstairs and I grabbed my underwear and put it back on not even really bothering to find my jeans or shirt figuring I could come back for them later at some point or the maid that came by on Fridays would gather them and put them in the wash. I walked slowly to the elevator my heart pounding as I waited for it hoping that he wouldn’t come up behind me.

The elevator stopped and I heard someone swear behind the metal doors as they opened up and then I saw Will and his eyes went from big to relief and then he took in the full situation. “John?” he said quietly.

“I need to shower,” I said my whole body still trembling.

“I’m not sure going upstairs right now is such a good idea I mean you might…” I cut him off.

“Scare everyone?” I asked him numbly and he nodded his head to confirm.

“How about we go downstairs and sit for a while?” he asked me gently trying to comfort me, “You know if you need to you can…” He said as I threw my arms around him and nearly collapsed us to the elevator floor, “hug me,” he finished as he wrapped his arms around me in response to my hug, “You’ll be ok, we’re just going to go downstairs and sit for a while ok?” he said patting my back lightly as a form of reassurance.

We descended to the 2nd floor and took the front stairs down into the living room him holding my hand tightly the whole way, knowing I needed to feel someone else, that I needed to feel someone else touching me even if it was just someone else holding my hand so I didn’t have to feel him touching me anymore. He led me to the couch and we sat down not turning on the TV sitting in silence. After a moment Will sighed, “Karen got your prescription filled it’s upstairs,” he said and I nodded my head in response.

“I don’t think I can do this anymore,” I said swallowing my tears down.

“Ok,” Will said slowly, “Let me handle it for a little while?” he suggested again as he had suggested in the past.

“That’s not fair,” I said shaking my head.

“John, you just said you can’t anymore and from looking at you, I have no doubt that’s true,” he sighed and squeezed my hand, “Don’t do this by yourself anymore please? I can take care of myself let me help you ok?” he said.

“I don’t think he’ll let you,” I said looking him seriously.

“What do you mean?” he asked me slowly.

“He…,” I paused swallowing hard not sure I wanted to admit it to anyone because I wasn’t sure how much any of them really knew, “He comes into my bedroom at night Will.” I finished.

Will sat there next to me in silence for a minute and then sighed, “What time usually?” he asked me.

“I don’t know, late why?” I asked confused by the question.

“Well, maybe if I’m awake and out he’ll get distracted if you know what I’m saying,” he answered carefully.

“No Will, you can’t do that,” I said shaking my head the very idea pissing me off.

Sure I didn’t want him touching me anymore but I didn’t want him touching my brothers or sister either, that was the one thing that I was trying so hard to prevent and had been trying to do since I was little. The thought made me so angry his hands on them, touching him in ways he shouldn’t.

“John, he does it to me sometimes anyway, maybe if I throw myself at him for a while he’ll leave you alone. Isn’t that exactly what you do to protect everyone else?” He asked me.

“Yes, but that’s different,” I said.

“How? How on earth is that any different? John you need help ok? I can see it in your face each day you are getting worse and I can’t lose you, I need you just like I need mum, we all need you if I have to put myself in-between him and you for a while I can do that, I can make myself do that ok?” he said as I covered my ears not wanting to hear it.

“I can’t ask you to do that,” I said shaking my head my hands still over my ears.

“You’re not asking me to ok?” Will sighed, “I’m doing it because you need a break. Mum never has to know, Da doesn’t have to know that’s what’s going on ok?” he said touching my shoulder lightly making me shiver, “Please, just let me. Don’t even think about it just think about you for once ok?” he nearly begged me.

I nodded my head not even wanting to think about it. I knew he was right that I hadn’t been taking care of myself but had been making myself easy to get to so I could protect everyone else to the best of my ability. I knew that I was nearing the limit of what I could handle. I hated thinking that I couldn’t protect them not but the truth was I was 13 I couldn’t protect anyone not even myself really and especially not if I couldn’t function. I was at the point where I couldn’t even look at my face in the mirror and I couldn’t stand being in my own body without being at least slightly buzzed and I knew it. I knew that was not a good place to be in and I knew this was probably the only option that I had. I sighed and shrugged my shoulders.

“You don’t know what you’re getting into,” I said to him.

“You’re wrong I know exactly what I’m getting into, remember?” He questioned me, “I’ve been with him before I know what he’s like. I know he’s not like Uncle Ben, Uncle Ben might hit and it hurts yeah but Da is…he hurts differently.” Will commented.

“You can say that again,” I sighed raking my hand through my hair as I stared at my feet, “the stuff he says sometimes…” I trailed off.

“It’s not anything I haven’t heard before, I promise John,” Will tried to assure me.

We sat there in silence for a couple of moments and then after a while I allowed myself to look up at Will he was just kind of staring at the wall and then he noticed my face was no longer downward, “Are you feeling better? Do you think you can make it upstairs?” He asked me.

“Yeah,” I answered, “I just need some sleep I think."

“Ok,” he said, “You know I’m sorry right?” he asked me as we stood up to go back upstairs.

“For what?” I asked confused.

“For this, all of this John. You try so hard, you really do and yet things just don’t seem to ever work out. It has to be real shit feeling,” Will sighed.

“Yeah, it’s not your fault though,” I said and he shrugged.

“But you’re important to me and no one else is going to say their sorry so why can’t I say it?” he pondered.

“You’re slightly drunk aren’t you?” He asked wrinkling his nose at me when we got to the stairs.

“I’m always slightly drunk. Why?” I asked.

“You seem to be a bit unsteady on your feet,” he commented.

“You would be too,” I said and he nodded his head in agreement as he hit the button to call the elevator down to us and we heard it kick on

. “How did you get stuck there anyway?” He asked me.

“Da hit the button for something so it stopped on the 3rd floor instead of the 4th meaning it wouldn’t go up any farther unless I entered my code and I wasn’t about to…” Will cut me off.

“Let him see your code? You realize he has access anyway right? That fucking stair well,” he said.

“Yeah but I don’t know it makes me feel like everyone else is safer if they are quietly tucked away whenever he manages to get up there,” I said, “So I’d rather keep my code to myself.”

“I see,” Will nodded his head, “We live in a world where we need to allow ourselves some illusion.” He said casually making me smile slightly.

“Yeah,” I said, “Is it always this cold?”

“When you’re in your underwear I suppose it is,” he commented, “Where are your clothes anyway?”

“The hallway, the suite, where ever I suppose,” I said, “I can’t wait to fucking shower.”

“You didn’t shower before you left?” He asked me and I shook my head.

“He didn’t want me to,” I said and I felt my tears getting caught again.

“God that’s nasty how sick does he have to fucking be?” Will hissed surprising me, “What?” he asked me.

“You like never swear,” I commented.

“I know; he’s beyond pissing me off right now. Imagine how bad it’s going to be whenever Uncle Ben is allowed back. It’s this stupid fucking club I swear,” Will said.

“Yeah. I think that’s a big part of it,” I agreed.

“I don’t remember him ever being this bad before I mean it used to happen sometimes but not like this,” Will said shaking his head.

“We’re also older now though,” I said as the elevator opened and we stepped in.

“Why does that matter?” Will asked curiously.

“I don’t know,” I shrugged, “Maybe he has a thing for like older kids I guess?”

“That doesn’t explain a whole lot” Will said.

“No it really doesn’t does it? I don’t know I think like you said a lot of it is the club,” I said.

“I wish this would stop,” Will commented and I nodded my head in agreement as the elevator passed the 3rd floor and we both sighed in relief and opened on the fourth floor.

When the door opened Karen was in the hallway walking into the family room with all the play toys and stuff for the babies and little kids and she saw me and her face turned into a slight smirk, “You should be wearing clothes you know?” she asked me and then turned away and continued what she was doing without caring about my answer.

Will cocked his head towards my room, meaning I should go in and take a shower, maybe find some clothes and I nodded. I hated Karen and at this point Karen hated me of that I was certain. I knew I was mean to her, I knew I gave her shit when she really wasn’t that horrible of a person but, her dad certainly was and for me that was enough to hate her.

I undid my splint and turned on the hot water, making it as hot as I could stand it and then I got in. I let the water run over me wash away the feelings of him on my skin, his hands on my arms and neck the feeling of him inside me. I scrubbed my skin until it was red and raw and before I realized it I had started scratching my thigh and had scratched it so badly I had peeled some of the skin off and I was bleeding. Stepping into the water made it sting but the sting felt good, it was something else to feel other than him. It felt good in an odd way and so I continued to let the water run on me for some time until I heard someone pound on the door and it startled me.

“YES?!” I shouted from inside my bathroom.

The bathroom door opened and someone poked their head in, “It’s me,” Matt said.

“What is it?” I asked him.

“Karen says you’ve been in here a long time,” Matt replied.

“Yeah well Karen can shove it,” I sputtered.

“Why do you hate her?” Matt asked me as I heard the toilet lid close and him sit down, “She’s not a bad person you know.”

I sighed, “Matt, you know who Karen’s dad is?” I asked him.

“I know he has a thing for you,” Matt replied.

“Is that what it’s called?” I said sarcastically, “Matt she doesn’t believe they do things to us ok? I don’t like stupid people and I don’t like people who ignore things right in front of them.”

“Mum ignores it,” Matt said and at that I poked my head out from behind the curtain.

“Matt mum does not ignore it; you know why she’s not up here today? Da beat her black and blue because she tried to protect me ok?” I said, “She’s just not good at protecting us.”

“I don’t think she tries very hard,” Matt said in a sing song voice.

“I think she does, I just think she’s scared just like all of us are,” I said.

“I’m not scared,” Matt replied.

“You should be,” I answered.

“Well, I’m not scared because I’m me but if I were you I’d be scared,” Matt replied.

I looked at him curiously, “What do you mean Matt?”

“Remember Da showed me home movies,” he reminded me.

I shook my head because I knew what he was inferring. I felt mortified it was bad enough Da showed them to my mum and whoever else but also one of my kid brothers. I was so pissed and upset I almost started crying. After I was quiet for a minute I exhaled loudly and then opened the curtain back up to poke my head out again.

“Forget what you saw,” I warned him.

“Kind of hard to,” he said and I braced myself for him to say something weird but he just shrugged his shoulders, “I know it happens because of us.” He said.

“No, it happens because of him,” I corrected him.

“You do things like that for us though, so he doesn’t bother us. I’m not stupid John, Mike might be but I’m not,” Matt said seriously.

“Mike’s not stupid either he’s just, I don’t know Da hasn’t done a lot to him you know that right?” I asked him.

Matt sighed, “I don’t get Da. Every time it’s me and not him and I don’t understand why it makes me so mad.”

“I don’t get Da either kid has he been leaving you alone mostly?” I asked him.

“Mostly yeah, it just happens sometimes.” He said.

At hearing that I sighed with relief. So I was helping at least a little bit. I turned off the water and reached out for my towel drying myself off in the shower and wrapping it around my waist so my brother didn’t see me naked but he balked at me anyway when I exited the shower, “What?” I asked.

“Your chest is all scratched up,” he said causing me to look down.

Sure enough there were bite marks and bruises all up and down my chest from my collar bone down past the towel. I shrugged my shoulders, “Guess I should get a shirt huh?”

“Why does he do that?” he asked suddenly.

“Wh-what?” I stammered caught off guard.

“Pinch you until you bruise,” he answered.

I felt my cheeks turning red. I didn’t want to talk about this, this was just as embarrassing that the conversation I had with Mike a couple weeks earlier only this time I was naked. How exactly did I explain that it wasn’t because he was pinching me or hitting me but that it was from something else? He must have seen the weird look on my face because he stared at me for a moment.

“What?” he asked me, “I was just curious sorry.”

“no,” I said numbly, “You can be curious it’s ok it’s just…” I sighed, “It’s hard to talk about.”

“He doesn’t do that stuff to me. Just like he likes to touch me a lot and it feels super weird.” He said, “I don’t get why he pinches you and stuff though and makes you bruise and stuff.”

“He’s…” I faltered, “He’s not pinching Matt he’s kissing me.” I answered him.

“Those don’t look like kisses,” he said wrinkling his nose.

“I can show you, take your arm and hold it up like this,” I said holding my arm in front of my face as he copied me, “Ok now open your mouth and kiss it but suck air in at the same time and hold it for 20 seconds. I’ll count for you ok?” he nodded his head,

“Ok, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, now stop” I said and he stopped sucking on his forearm and looked at it.

“I can see my teeth marks,” he said looking at his arm closely.

“If you do that to someone’s skin for a while it looks like this,” I said pointing at my chest.

“Oh,” he said simply and nodded his head, “Does it hurt?” he asked me.

I felt my face flushing around my cheeks, “It’s like a bruise so yeah it can hurt to touch but otherwise it’s just a mark.” I answered.

“That’s what happened to your neck?” He asked and I nodded my head, “Hank did that right?”

I swallowed. I didn’t want to talk about Hank or Da or any of it. I didn’t think I could so I just gave him a look and shook my head and he must have seen it on my face because he nodded.

“Sorry,” he said.

“It’s ok,” I answered staring past him at the wall, “I’m just tired that’s all.”

“Karen said Hank is helping her watch us on New Year’s and they are bringing her brother,” Matt commented.

“I know,” I said softly.

“He’s not really coming to help her at all is he?” He asked me.

“Probably not,” I said opening the bathroom door and going into my dresser, “I’m going to get dressed now so could you…” I asked inferring I would like him to leave.

“Ok,” he said opening the door, “You do realize I’ve seen you naked before when we used to share a room though right?”

“Really?” I half laughed at him, “Could you just not and just go?” I said and as he exited and shut the door behind him.

After he was gone I found some clothes sweat pants and a t-shirt and then I reached under the bed and grabbed one of my bottles taking a huge drink and then laid down for a nap because today I just didn’t want to deal with anyone. I think I slept for most of the afternoon and someone pounded on my door at some point waking me up.

“Food!” Karen shouted through the door.

I got up and wiped the sleep from my eyes and then grabbed my bottle from the nightstand and took another drink, wanting to keep my light buzz going because I knew what to expect later and then I capped it and slide it back under my bed and then opened the door. I walked down the hall to the upstairs kitchen to find a plate of chicken and mashed potatoes waiting for me and sat down on a stool at the counter island and began to eat as Karen cleaned the kitchen and I glanced at the clock on the oven it was already 7:30 and the youngest kids were in bed already.

“You slept all day,” Karen commented.

“I was tired,” I answered taking a bite of my food.

“Will and I could have used your help,” she said.

“Yeah, I can use some help too but,” I shrugged my shoulders, “You don’t see me begging for help.”

“What is your issue?” She asked me rolling her eyes and slamming down a baby dish in the sink.

“You don’t remember?” I snorted, “You don’t remember why I hate you?”

“Oh you mean when you lied to me and told my dad who is a cop fucks little boys?” she asked me, “I remember that just fine and I would rather forget what a horrible lie that is.”

“You still think I lied?” I asked her.

“You hang out with my brother, he’s the biggest fucking liar I know so yeah pretty sure you did,” she replied.

“Maybe someone just doesn’t want to admit their dad has a thing for boys,” I snorted.

“My dad was married to my mom before she took off ok? I doubt he’s gay,” she frowned at me.

“Do you know what gay is? Gay is when you have sex with adults of the same sex, I doubt someone who does what he does would be considered gay,” I said.

“And what do you know about sex?” She said folding her arms and looking at me.

“I know you just need a hole to stick it in and that’s enough for some people,” I hissed at her.

“Do you know what else is involved?” she asked me.

I laughed angrily, “I’m not sure you know what else is involved and I’m not about to explain it to you.”

“Excuse me?” Karen said, “I’m 19 I’ve had sex.”

“Someone touching your vagina is not sex Karen,” I said.

“Yeah well neither is sticking your dick in a sock,” She scoffed at me.

“I have never done that,” I said.

“Every boy has John don’t think you’re special,” Karen answered.

“I never have,” I said again.

“And again with the lying,” Karen said, “Really?”

I got serious, “No Karen, really I’ve never needed to.”

“It’s true he hasn’t Karen,” Will answered coming up behind me.

“Really?” Karen said and I flinched.

“Really,” Will answered.

“Will stay out of this,” I said.

“No! I’m so sick of this John, I’m sick of her. You know why you get paid so much Karen, to keep your mouth shut ok? So please do me a favor and do the job you are paid to do so I don’t have to,” Will hissed at her, “And you, you know she’s not the sharpest tool in the shed quit antagonizing her.”

“You’re both little shits,” she nearly shouted, “Both of you. I don’t get paid enough for this.”

“For what Karen, to hear your dad messes around with boys?” I asked her.

“Shut up!” She hissed, “you’re lying about everything because I know all guys masturbate I’m not stupid and my dad is not a pervert.”

“Karen the word is pedophile,” Will said slowly, “Say it with me, pedophile and yeah he is. And you don’t masturbate if you have someone to suck your dick for you ok?”

“What?” she asked looking between Will and I “You’re lying, that’s fucking it after I get my bonus for being around and spending my new year’s here with my dad who by the way I will make sure you stay far away from I am quitting.”

“Then please by all means,” Will said, “You can go now.”

Karen started daggers at us and then slowly walked away down the hall and to the elevator. I looked at Will shocked and impressed. He had never stood up for me before not like that anyway.

“What?” he asked looking at me, “You think I was going to let her call you a liar?” he shrugged his shoulders, “You should go to bed.”

“You mean to my room?” I asked, “Probably.”

“Take some pills, go to sleep early make yourself look, I don’t know busy I guess?” he shrugged his shoulders.

“I don’t think that will work,” I said.

“Why?” Will asked quietly.

I shrugged my shoulders, “I need a drink,” I said getting up and starting to walk down the hallway.

“No John tell me why, don’t do this right now please,” he said grabbing my arm lightly.

“I need a drink, I can’t do this,” I said again.

“John it won’t help you,” he commented.

“It will help me, ok maybe I can take the pills and the alcohol together just I won’t wake up when he comes tonight. That would be better right?” I said not really able to control what I was saying as I felt the panic rise in me.

“If you do that you might not wake up at all,” Will said carefully, “Do I need to get mum?”

“NO! NO! YOU CAN’T SHE’LL TELL HIM AND THEN…” I said and I started to hyperventilate.

“John, you need to calm down,” Will said, “You can’t do this to yourself you need to breathe. Hopefully he’ll be busy…with me,” he added.

I stopped hyperventilating as the realization hit me. The anxiety that my brother must be facing had to be horrible and the thought made me sick to my stomach. I hated this so much especially because it involved one of the people that I tried so hard to protect.

“Are you scared?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Will said quietly.

“I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better but…” I managed to get out before Will cut me off.

“I don’t think there is.”

“Usually, no,” I shook my head, “I wish this wasn’t our life. I wish I could protect you guys.”

“You can’t,” Will sighed, “You know where you are mentally, and I pay attention John. I know where you are too.”

“I just feel…” I stopped to think of an appropriate word to describe how I felt about my life, “broken.”

“I remember things you know?” Will commented, “I remember how hard you’ve tried.”

“What do you mean?” I asked him afraid of his answer.

“uhh,” Will sighed, “After you turned 8 and everything started too… that night I remember that night when I walked downstairs and uncle Ben was…sorry,” Will mumbled.

“I hate that you saw that,” I said.

“I know but it’s not like I mean that one time with Da you were right next to me,” Will commented.

“Yeah but I was kind of looking away,” I mentioned.

“Yeah but I mean how much of that did you not experience with me regardless of where you were trying to look?” He asked, “If you remember he made us…”

“Oh god please don’t talk about it ,” I said and felt my eyes go wide, “You know how wrong that is?”

“Yeah I do but if you can’t joke about it what do you have?” Will shrugged his shoulders at me, “You should seriously try to relax it happens all the time in the brotherhood as sick and sad as it is.”

“I know it happens all the time. Between brothers and friends,” I said nodding my head, “Have you ever watched Pat and Cole interact?”

“You mean Pat and Cole have…?” Will snorted with laughter.

“With each other? Yes,” I said and sighed “and with…me.”

Will’s mouth dropped open, “Are you serious?”

I nodded.

“What was it like?” he asked me his eyebrows raised.

“I was checked out kind of, so I don’t remember.” I answered.

“At least your first time with someone that wasn’t one of them was with someone your friends with and not well, me.” Will said.

“That’s true,” I nodded my head.

“Do you think it will happen?” Will asked me suddenly.

“What?” I asked.

“That we’ll end up…” Will finishes his question but using a hand gesture.

“Well,” I said slowly, “You think we could say no to him? He did seem very interested in the idea.”

“No,” Will said.

“Are Mike and Matt in bed?” I asked

“In their room but not sleeping,” he answered, “Why?”

“I just want to make sure they are safe,” I answered, “I’m going to go to my room and just like chill.” I got up and started washing my plate in the sink.

“Me too, good night,” Will said.

“Wait I thought you were staying in the living room?” I asked him.

“I’m going to go nap and then come back out around 11 which is what time you said he usually ends up coming right?” Will asked me.

“Yeah, after everyone is asleep,” I said.

“You know what’s weird?” Will asked suddenly.

“What?” I asked.

“That mum is never worried about where he is when she wakes up in the middle of the night to feed Seamus and Mary.” He said.

I felt like my heart had stopped. I didn’t want to believe she would let it happen but he did have a point. Why did she never worry about where he was at night when she got up and he wasn’t in bed? What if she really did know and she figured it was better that it was me or that it wasn’t her problem. Will must have seen it in my eyes because he shook his head.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Will said quietly.

“I know,” I said, “It’s a good question though. I mean she doesn’t sleep all night you would think she would wonder.”

“Hold up,” Will said cocking an eye brow, “I know he comes to you but are you saying he…” I cut him off,

“Spends the night with me, yeah all night.”

“Shit,” Will said his mouth falling open. The look on his face was so funny it made me smile a little.

“Thanks,” I said shaking my head.

“I keep beating a dead horse here don’t I?” Will asked me

. At that I actually laughed, “Beating a dead horse where did you hear that?”

“Probably read it somewhere, I read a lot of stuff,” He said.

“Yeah I know probably how you figured out what a pedophile is,” I mentioned.

“I know a lot more then what one is, I know how they work too,” He said.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Well, there are different types and different names and then exclusive and nonexclusive and…” I stopped him.

“You don’t need to tell me, I don’t want to know,” I said.

“Ok, but you know what they say the more you know…” Will shrugged.

“Are you a PSA all of the sudden?” I asked.

“No aren’t you curious about him though?” Will asked me.

“Who, Da?” I asked back.

“Well, yeah,” Will answered, “I mean he’s weird and maybe if you I don’t know, knew somethings it’d be easier.” Will said.

“I can tell you everything you ever need to know about him Will, want to hear it?” I sneered, “He’s a pedophile, he enjoys inflicting emotional pain, he wants you to hate yourself. He’s a nasty person and I don’t care what label anyone gives him that’s all there is to it ok?”

“Non-exclusive,” Will said.

“What?” I hissed back.

“He’s non-exclusive it means he likes adults too; mum you know…” He said and I could feel myself getting even angrier.

“You want to know what he says about it? Mum is work and I’m fun ok? What does that tell you? Huh Will?”

Will looked at me silently for a minute, “oh,” he said.

“I’m done with this, I’ll see you later,” I said getting up and walking away.

I went to my room and turned on my clock radio while I drank. I actually heard some good songs. Smells like teen spirit by Nirvana, and a couple of others and then the backstreet boys came on which made me turn off the radio as if it were on fire. I might have been a sensitive soul but I was still a teenage boy. After a while I started dreaming, I know it was a dream because I didn’t remember going downstairs or being tied up and then I didn’t have any mouth and every time Hank whipped me a piece of me fell off the first hit it was a finger and then the next it was my whole hand. I closed my eyes to brace myself for the last impact and then my eyes snapped open as I hit the floor.

I had fallen out of bed. I sighed and rested my head on my arms not bothering to get up quiet yet. I didn’t want to see what time it was, I didn’t want to think about whether it was going to happen tonight or not and then when I finally plucked up the courage to look at the clock I sighed with relief even though I knew I shouldn’t have been happy as the clock read 2am. Then I realized what him not being there probably meant and I stumbled to my feet falling over again and landing on my ass.

“Ouch!” I said and then I blinked and realized how really drunk I was for the first time in weeks I actually had more than a slight buzz.

For some reason I thought it was a good idea to go check on Will so I opened my door holding the wall in order to keep my balance. As I approached his door I could hear the water running in the shower so I decided to just kind of burst in. When I opened the door I saw Da’s pants on the floor and I knew. For some reason I was so angry and I remember going to the bathroom door and knocking on it loudly.

“What?” Will called out shakily.

“It’s me,” I said.

“Oh hey baby,” My Da called from inside the bathroom, “Come in,” he said and I opened the door.

They were both in the shower I could see their shadows through the shower curtain but Da didn’t appear to be on him so I thought at least that was good and then Da opened the curtain and I noticed he was hard.

“You want to have some fun the three of us?” he asked me.

“What?” Will said his voice high from somewhere behind Da.

“Well, I keep thinking about what you guys said and maybe I want to cash that rain check,” he smiled back at him.

I gulped and then thought of what I could do to save my brother, “I—I w-was hoping to be alone with you?” I said cautiously.

“Really?” he asked his eyes, light up as he climbed out of the shower still dripping wet and grabbed me by the neck forcing a kiss past my lips causing me to push away slightly, “I thought you said you wanted to be with me?” he asked me in warning tone.

“I—I do just…” I sighed lightly.

“You smell like alcohol by the way,” he said forcing me against the wall pulling my shirt up over my head.

“Can we not in front of…?” I asked tilting my head in Will’s direction.

“Yeah, let’s go,” he said grabbing my hand and leading me from the bathroom and out into the hallway and back into my room, “You’re so fucking sexy,” he said into my ear and it made my stomach feel sick as he slid his hands down the back of my PJ pants and underwear grabbing my bare ass.

“Ok,” I squeaked my head feeling dizzy and I wasn’t sure if it was from being drunk or my anxiety.

I backed up instinctively into my bedroom wall because I felt like I was going to fall over and this apparently gave him an idea because he turned me around so I was facing the wall my back to him and he pulled down my pants and started grinding on me rubbing his erection against me and he moaned into my ear and bit my ear lobe.

“Just give me one second,” he said and went into my bathroom to grab something and he came back with a jar of petroleum jelly and stuck his hand in it grabbing a generous amount and slathering on himself, “there we go,” he said once he had rubbed a good amount on and then he entered me while I braced myself against the wall.

“Oh shit,” I said out of reflex as my muscles tightened and he slid in.

“You’re ok, god damn it you feel so good,” he breathed into my ear and grabbed my penis started to give me a hand job.

“What are you doing?” I blurted out before I could stop myself.

“I’m eating a sandwich what do you think I’m doing back here?” he said as he thrusted into me hard causing to me to brace myself on the wall.

“We’ve never done it this way,” I panted, “I’m not sure I like it.”

“Personally I think this feels amazing and maybe I can get you to cum with me,” he said thrusting into me again hitting my prostate in just the right spot my mouth forming a silent o which he noticed and he started rubbing harder and faster, “see? It feels good doesn’t it?” he said biting my ear lobe again holding me by my left hip while his right hand jacked me off.

“This is hard,” I said meaning the position he had us in as he bit lightly into my shoulder blade making me hiss in pain as he hit that spot again. I felt myself starting to climax even though I was uncomfortable and it hurt, a lot my legs cramping and becoming useless under use which caused him to stop jacking me off and grab me around the waist tightly as he came inside me and I came underneath us.

“God yes,” he said holding me tightly making sure I didn’t fall and cause him to pull out as he filled me but we ended up falling to the floor anyway. He waited a couple minutes to pull out as I we laid gasping on the ground him on top of me. “You ok,” he asked me as he become utterly aware of my silence and lack of movement underneath him.

“I don’t feel good,” I managed to answer before I started gagging my whole body wrenching as I felt the vomit coming up.

“Ok, ok,” he said picking me up and carrying me into the bathroom setting me in the tub before I puked all over myself, “oh baby, you didn’t tell me you felt sick,” he sighed turning the water on.

“Why do you care?” I asked.

“Come again? I thought you said you wanted to,” he sighed, “If you were feeling sick you could have told me.”

“Yeah and know you were fucking him instead?” I said.

My Da raised an eyebrow at me, “Jealous?” he asked seeming amused.

“No, I want to kill myself,” I said.

My Da sighed heavily, “Why?” he asked me, “I give you everything you could ever want or need, I take good care of you I love you, I make you feel good so why on earth do you want to spend two weeks locked in the basement. This is the last time before your mum and I go on vacation anyway so I’m giving you a break too.”

“Da our relationship isn’t normal, ok? You don’t make me feel good….” He cut me off.

“Don’t lie Johnathan,” he said sounding cross “If you didn’t like it you wouldn’t cum so hard.” He said making me blush.

“See?” he replied, “You know you like it, I’ve had a lot of asses and yours is one of the best,” he said.

I swallowed hard, “Da it’s not right.”

“Don’t tell me what is or is not right. I gave you that body remember?” He warned, “If you weren’t sick to your stomach I would show you exactly what I mean. I hope you start feeling better in a while,” he said pulling the lever so the water started running out of the shower head just in time to rinse away the throw up coming out of my mouth.

“Why does it matter how I feel? You gave me this body remember?” I scoffed.

“Because the only one who is allowed to say who can fuck with it is me,” he answered, “And Hank likes you sober.”

“Hank is an asshole who gets off on pain,” I replied and threw up some more.

“Hey! Be nice besides you wouldn’t be having to deal with Hank if you hadn’t of screwed up and told someone about the brotherhood ok kid? I think you only have to do this one or two more times because your videos are selling nicely all right?” He replied.

My stomach heaved and I threw up again. If I hadn’t of already been sick to my stomach, I would have been then. I knew they were making videos I got that part but, I didn’t like to think about the fact he was selling them to other people. That thought made me feel dirty, gross.

“What do you mean selling nicely?” I asked quietly.

“Ah baby don’t be embarrassed, you’re good attractive, you have a nice O face don’t be upset about it.” He said.

“Who do you sell them to?” I asked almost afraid of his answer.

“Well, we have an internet service, the brotherhood and we sell them to like-minded people. You’ve gotten request for meet ups too but, I’m not sure I want to share you with just anyone who asks, there might be a point where I have to share with someone higher up. There is this guy that keeps asking but I haven’t decided whether or not I want to.” He said almost shy like.

“What?” I asked and I could feel the tears coming up. So not only had people seen that but, people were asking for me.

“Baby, like I said I haven’t decided and I haven’t been told I have to give him time with you ok? It’s good that people are so interested in you though I mean look at you, you look amazing. You’re rare and you for your age rather well hung to be honest,” My Da said looking me up and down, “Think of it this way you’re helping me out and your brothers.”

“Really? Am I really helping them?” I asked not looking him in the eye.

“Yes, of course think of it this way, the more videos you do the less they have to do,” he said, “And this is only for a short time anyway eventually you’ll be older than most guys want so this won’t be forever.” He added.

“Ok,” I said quietly folding my knees up to my chest and resting my chin there.

“You’ve almost made back the money you lost you’re lucky Hank was willing to pay as much as he has and that he has friends that are willing to help him out financially otherwise you’d be seeing a lot more people.” My Da said casually.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“John, Hanks a cop you think he gets paid a lot of money? Arthur has been kind of paying his way a little, they have an arrangement I guess I have no idea,” My Da said, “You only need to do one or two more videos and sometime with Hank and that’s it for a while I swear, then you’ll be in school and things will get easier unless you catch someone else’s eye but that might not be a bad thing, it would probably help you keep up with your school work depending on who it was if it does happen.”

“I’m tired Da,” I said.

“I know like I said only one or two more videos and the next one Hank wants to make might not be that bad you might actually really like it. The guy that keeps asking about you wants to see you with someone your own age so Hank is willing to lend Paddy out.” My Da said.

My eyes widened, “What?” I asked as it dawned on me what he was talking about, “You can’t be serious. He’s my friend Da I don’t want to do that with him.”

“You’d be surprised, I might even give you some of the money if you make enough,” my Da shrugged his shoulders like it wasn’t a big deal, “And then you won’t have to do it again for a while unless you decide to piss someone off again.”

“Please Da, I don’t want to have sex with Pat,” I begged.

“John it’s not up for discussion, you’re doing it. In fact, your mum and I are leaving early tomorrow so we can see some sights and stuff so you’ll have more time to get comfortable with the idea, if it sells good you’ll be fine. I swear,” My Da said.

“Can you just like go?” I asked just thinking about the idea of him spending the night with me making me feel sick.

“Yeah, I’ll give tonight by yourself but when I come back I think we’ll spend some time together. You start school soon maybe I’ll let you skip a day we’ll go on a day long date?” he asked smiling at me which made me gag and throw up all over myself again, “You need to lay off the drinking.” He added before turning, leaving and closing the bathroom door.

I sighed with relief. I might not have had to deal with sleeping the same bed with him but I still felt sticky and gross from the Vaseline and jizz and I thoroughly scrubbed myself everywhere I could reach until I was sure I was clean and had quit throwing up on myself. Then I climbed out and bundled myself in PJ’s and a hoody and climbed under my comforter. I hadn’t slept in my actual bed under the covers since that first night that he had spent the night with me. I didn’t drink anymore that night and instead I rolled over and tried to sleep.

My head started pounding the moment it hit the pillow and at some point I did manage to fall asleep but I woke up covered in sweat and freezing. I wasn’t sure if I should move and uncover myself or curl up tighter in the blankets and ended up curling up tighter in the blankets and falling back into an unfit sleep only to wake up hours later beyond hot and still sweating with a blasting migraine. That time I decided to take another drink and just lay back and try to relax not even really thinking about getting any sleep because sleep seemed to be not helping and completely pointless. However, taking that drink was probably the best thing I could have done at that point and I ended up falling asleep again but this time for longer and it felt more restful. I don’t think I woke up again until sometime around noon and I did my traditional noon drink and then got up.

“Dude are you ok?” Mike asked when I went into the living room and sat on the couch.

“Yeah why?” I asked.

“You smell like balls what happened to you?” He asked.

“I don’t know I woke up all sweaty and gross, sorry,” I said.

“Well, you smell,” Mike replied.

“I’ll go shower I guess,” I said getting up and walking back to my bedroom.

Half way down the hall the intercom crackled to life and I tensed knowing it was going to be his voice because mom wouldn’t have used the intercom but would have just come upstairs if she wanted one of us for something. “John, Will could you both please come here?” he asked through the hissing speaker and Will opened his bedroom door and hit the com button to reply.

“Where are you at?” Will asked his eyes half closed like he was exhausted and annoyed.

“Downstairs bedroom,” he replied.

“We’re coming,” Will said and nodded his head at me as we started walking towards the elevator and it opened so we climbed into the lift.

“What do you think he wants?” Will asked me.

“He told me him and mum were leaving early, maybe it has to do with that,” I suggested.

“Maybe he wants to get his raincheck?” Will asked nervously.

“I don’t think so. He’d take us downstairs for that not in the bedroom because mum’s home so I think we’re ok,” I tried to assure him.

“You sure?” Will asked me.

“Pretty sure,” I said even though I could feel a lump forming in my throat.

“So they are leaving early, does that mean they are leaving us with Karen?” He asked me.

“I’d assume so, and Hank.” I added.

“HANK? You have got to be kidding me,” He said.

“Nope, I’m supposed to keep Hank busy,” I said.

“Oh no John,” he sighed.

“Imagine how I feel,” I said raking my hand through my hair and my tongue finding my back molar.

“It’s that bad huh?” He asked.

“Da hinted that he’s going to have us do things, Pat and I. I don’t want to,” I said as the elevator opened on the second level and we stepped out.

“Well good luck with that,” Will said smacking me on the shoulder.

“Yeah, you too,” I replied and knocked on the bedroom door.

“Come in,” Mum said in reply to my knock from the other side so I opened the door. She was smiling sadly her concealer already worn down meaning she needed to reapply her eye looking a little yellow. She had two suit cases opened on the bed and was folding clothes and putting different things in a pile and then somethings in one suit case or the other.

“Hi Mum,” I said.

“Hi my kiddos,” she said, “You’re Da and I are getting to ready to leave we’ll be gone until the 2nd around 9pm. We’ll have fun I’ll keep him busy. I just wanted you guys to know.”

“Who is going to be watching us?” I asked nudging Will lightly so he would keep his mouth shut.

“Karen,” She answered, “Karen however might be quitting after the holidays because apparently she has some issues with certain people’s attitudes.”

“Mum.” Will started. “Will I don’t want to hear it I’m informed,” She sighed, “Karen will be having her boyfriend over. John, if Hank shows up I want you to call ok?” she said looking at me seriously.

“He won’t,” Will said and I glared at him.

“Then I can’t go,” she said sitting down on the bed.

“NO!” We both nearly shouted.

“It’s that bad?” She asked us.

Will and I exchanged a look and then Will sighed “Mum it’s complicated.”

“I realize Will, he’s raping you I get it and I understand you need a break which is why I’m taking your Da to New York so maybe some time away and he will get better.” She said, “What exactly does he say to you guys?” she asked and I could see the look in her eyes.

“Well, mum you watched the video you know what he says,” Will said and I felt my stomach lurch.

“I can’t do this,” I said getting ready to walk out the door.

“John honey please,” My mum said, “I need to know.”

“I told you what he says, I’ve told you a lot of stuff he says mum and yet we need to go over this again? Where are you when he’s up there with me? Where are you when I can’t stand to be in my own skin and I want so badly to just not be here?” I said.

“Whatever he is doing must be really bad, not that it’s not really bad on its own but for you guys to want him gone, to want to deal with Hank rather than your Da that’s a pretty big deal,” She said.

“Hank won’t bother me,” Will said, “Hank has a thing for redheads.”

“WILL!” I said.

“Ok,” mum said measuredly, “What about you John? Why would you rather deal with Hank then with Da?”

“Because he’s my Da mum and Hank hits, he bites he’s … he doesn’t make it feel good,” I said and I instantly went light headed, “I don’t want this anymore mum.”

“I know honey, I know and I’ll do something about it ok but you need to give me time remember?” she said.

“And what exactly are you going to do Danielle?” My Da said popping his head into the room making me freeze.

“You said we would work on it, and maybe have some more kids yeah? You said that would make you happy enough to maybe you would stop.” She said.

“John are you ok,” Will said looking at me.

I could feel my Da standing directly behind me and it felt like he was touching me even though he wasn’t and it made my skin crawl. I nodded my head my tongue finding my back moral my nervous tick. I didn’t want to know what he was going to say to her and I was afraid for her and for Will and I couldn’t stand my own skin I felt frozen.

“John, come here honey,” My mum said reading something in my face as she came towards me.

I impulsively back away, “Don’t touch me,” I said bumping into my Da who put his hand on my shoulder making it worse and my whole body started shuddering.

“John, look at me,” Will said, “You’re ok, you’re ok, Da could you please quit touching him he’s freaking out.”

“Will your brother is fine,” My Da said.

“Are you nuts Da? He’s not fine at all he’s literally shaking Da don’t you ever just not want to be touched?” Will asked and Da sighed taking his hand off my shoulder but the damage was already done.

“John honey,” My mum said “What are you feeling?”

“I—I can’t,” I said fighting back my emotions and hyperventilating the tingling traveling up and down my spine and yet somehow I found my ability to move and ran forward into my mum and Da’s bathroom and slammed the door behind me sitting in front of it.

“Connor did you really have to come up behind him like that?” I heard my mum shouting.

“He’s my son he shouldn’t be afraid of me I love him,” My Da replied calmly.

“He’s afraid of you!” My mum replied and someone knocked on the door.

“Go away,” I said my voice shaking.

“John, it’s me,” Will said and I moved away from the door so he could open.

He came in and shut the door behind me and then sat on the floor in front of me over by the sink giving me plenty of space. “You could feel him?” He asked me.

“All of it,” I said trying to breathe, “I feel like I need to fucking scream.”

“I get it.” He said quietly, “It happens to me too just usually when I’m alone.”

“Me too, every time after I have to nearly choke myself to keep from screaming, I like shove my fist in my mouth because I really, it hurts so bad.” I said crying.

“I know I’m sorry,” Will replied, “That’s why you drink so much?”

“Yes, I can’t stand myself I hate this! I hate myself I do I hate myself so much you don’t get it! NO one gets it!” I screamed before I could stop myself.

“Oh John, I get it. I promise I get it,” Will said, “Can I grab your hand?”

“Ok,” I said and let him grab my hand and he squeezed it for me.

“You shouldn’t hate yourself,” Will said, “You should hate him, them. All of them not yourself.”

“Why? Everyone hates me so why not?” I said staring splinted hand.

“No one hates you John.” He said trying to reassure me.

“No they do, they all do Will Da says that he doesn’t that they don’t but they do if Da loved me he wouldn’t sell me to them he wouldn’t make me do the things I have to do.” I said.

“Sell you?” Will asked and frightened look on his face.

“He said that he had to pay a lot of money to keep my name out of the bowl and that Hank is paying money to spend time with me and they are selling those videos they keep making and like I said I’m supposed to make one with Pat if he loved me why would he want me to do this?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” Will said, “We’ll be ok though I promise you. Everything will be ok,” he said squeezing my hand tighter.

“Please don’t lie to me Will, I know it’s not going to be ok,” I said quietly.

“Does it help to hear it though?” he asked me.

“A little,” I said, “I don’t know what I’m going to do about …” I trailed off.

“Well,” Will sighed, “Is there really anything you can do?”

“No,” I said numbly, “I have a really bad feeling about the whole thing.” I said as we heard something hit the wall and we both flinched.

“Do you think they’re still going to go early?” Will asked nervously.

“I don’t think Da would ruin his own plans so yeah I think they are still going. I doubt they’d cancel just because I decided to have a panic attack.” I answered.

Just then we heard a sharp knock on the door making us both jump in surprise, “It’s mum,” a voice said from the other of the door, “you guys can come out.” She added.

Will timidly opened the door, peeking out to see if Da was around and once he was sure he was gone he opened the door all the way and we both stepped out “Are you ok?” Will asked mum.

“Yeah, it’s ok he just doesn’t get it,” she said, “We’re still going, everything is fine.” She added.

I felt a collective sigh from Mum and Will and I wished I could share their relief but, I had Hank to deal with and whatever he was going to make me do because I knew Karen would be bringing him. I wanted to numb out which seemed to be taking more and more alcohol each day. At the time I hadn’t taken any of the warnings seriously that alcohol was dangerous and I hadn’t connected the way I had felt the night before with my drinking at all nor the fact that drinking some more had stopped the symptoms all together. The night before I had gone through my first withdrawal. Meaning my body had been alcohol free for a brief couple of hours before I took that last drink that had allowed me to get some restful sleep.

“So you’re going to be gone until Sunday?” I asked her.

“No, Saturday,” she corrected me, “I’ll make sure everyone is ready to go back to school Sunday and I figured we could all go to church.” She said.

Will and I exchanged a look. Mum still had her faith but our Da had never shown any interest and us well, the school which would be where we would be going for services if we showed up was very connected to the brotherhood. So it’s not that I didn’t believe in God or have any spiritual feelings it’s that I didn’t feel like being molested the day before I started school and I felt there was a good chance that might happen.

“Why?” Will asked her.

“Well, John is going to be going to school Monday, might be a good way to meet some other classmates and get introduced to some teachers,” She said.

“Mum, I can tell him about the teachers,” Will responded, “Besides shouldn’t he get to enjoy his last day of freedom?” Will asked.

“You mean last day of incarceration? Sure whatever,” I sighed.

“You’re looking forward to school that much?” My mum asked me.

“Yes,” I answered.

“Well, that’s good I guess,” she smiled at me.

“I didn’t say I was looking forward to the school work, I’m just looking forward to being able to actually leave the house and having people my own age to hang with,” I replied.

“Well, even if that’s the only reason you want to go to school it still works for me,” She answered.

“What time are you guys leaving?” Will asked her suddenly glancing at the alarm clock on the nightstand.

“Shortly,” she said, “Jet leaves at five so we’ll be heading off soon.” My mum said. “You boys can go upstairs. I’ll let you know when Karen is here so you can let her up yeah?” She said and we both nodded, will leaving the room quickly to go back upstairs.

I stayed behind for a minute. I had some questions for mum that I didn’t feel like asking in front of Will because I was afraid of what her answers might be.

“Mum, can I ask you something?” I asked timidly as we heard Will get onto the lift.

“Yeah honey what is it?” She asked me.

“What is...” I coughed and could feel my face going red, “real sex like?” I sputtered out.

My mum stopped what she was doing but didn’t look up at me. I watched her in suspended animation the tooth brush still in her hand that she had been putting in a zip lock bag.

“What exactly do ya mean John?” She asked me.

“Does it like hurt?” I asked.

“Well for the girl usually,” she answered, “Why are you thinking about having sex with someone?” She asked me.

“I don’t know I was just wondering, if it hurt I guess?” I answered.

“Most kids your age aren’t that interested yet,” she mentioned, “Just starting to think about it I suppose. Oh I remember being a young girl the fellas when I was your size had no interest at all more interested in their football and boy like things.”

“We play a lot of video games,” I mentioned, “It’s not that I want to I’m just curious mum that’s all.” I said, “I don’t think I’ll ever want to with Da and all that.”

“What your Da does to you is very different from real sex,” she said, “on your way now I have to finish packing.” She smiled sadly at me and I nodded my head.

“Mum, I love you,” I said.

“I love you too honey, I’m sorry about all of it you know?” She said back.

“I know,” I said and nodded my head closing the door behind me.

I decided I wanted to go downstairs to get a drink instead of bothering to go up the two levels in the elevator. That was a mistake. I walked down the back steps into the kitchen and went I got down there Da was moving equipment down into the basement and has he retreated a familiar face I was not expecting to see appeared up the steps.

“Well, hey Johnny,” Uncle Ben said smiling, “You look taller kid.”

I swallowed. I did not want to deal with him, this was really bad. I knew this was really bad and yet I felt frozen. I didn’t know what to say. I literally couldn’t speak even if I tried.

“He’s helping set up,” Da said coming up the stairs, “Don’t tell your mum he’s back yet yeah?” He asked me and I nodded my head as my Uncle took a few steps towards me and I fell back a couple steps.

“Relax I’m not going to hurt you Johnny,” he said, “I’m just here to set up cameras you and I will play some other time. Connor is he still soft?” he asked his eyes raking up and down my frame.

“Yeah baby’s still slightly soft, almost hardened up though why?” He asked Ben giving him a curious look.

“You know I enjoy them soft,” he said and Da smiled.

“You want everyone to believe that yeah I realize,” Da said, “I’m not stupid though I know you just like them young doesn’t really matter if they’re soft or not.”

“Oh shut the fuck up,” My Uncle laughed at my Da, “I’ll never admit it but yeah, as long as they are young.” He shrugged, “Who knows maybe he’ll have a little more fire once he hardens up?” he said looking at me.

“Come on downstairs, you have to check the angles and I don’t want Danielle to see you,” My Da said patting my uncle on the back and pointing him downstairs where he happily went.

My Da turned to look at me and gave me this serous penetrating stare, “You want a drink?” he asked me and went to fridge pulling a beer out and holding it up for me. I held out my hand and took it.

“He’s not supposed to be here,” I said in response he shrugged his shoulders.

“He’s fine, I’m not telling your mum he’s back until after we leave though. He won’t hurt anyone I promise baby,” he said coming close to me.

“Don’t,” I said opening the beer and taking a deep drink.

“Hand you a beer and you’re a big man all of the sudden huh?” He said grabbing me by the wrist.

“You said you wouldn’t before you left,” I reminded him.

“I won’t, not really,” he said quietly, almost lovingly as I felt my shoulders cover my neck as he pulled me close to him.

“Please?” I more asked then anything as he his hands cupped my ass over my pants and he kissed my forehead then leaned down so we were leaning against each other forehead to forehead.

“You’re so hot,” he said and I swallowed hard. He could always make me feel so disgusting with just the simplest of sentences.

I put my hands on his chest to go and push him away, “no, no no, it’s ok baby,” he said his hands moving off of my ass and grabbing my wrist gently to lower my arms back to my sides as he pushed us against the wall and his mouth found my jaw bone. This was not good. I could feel the beer sitting heavy in my stomach and I felt like I could barely breath. Someone was going to see this someone was going to see me making out with my Da and every cell in my body felt like his hands were burning me. I wanted him to stop.

“God you’re so good,” he said his mouth in my neck as I tried to ignore my impulse to push him away.

Just then I looked over and Pat was standing in the door way “My sister is about to walk in here,” he hissed which caused my Da to back away from me as if someone had just told him I was an alien from another planet.

“Hello Patrick,” My Da said, “Where is your father?” he asked suddenly.

“He’s coming later Mr. McGregor, can I borrow John?” he asked and I nodded my head thankfully.

“All right, go on, I’ll see you when I get back ok John?” he asked me.

“Yep see you,” I said as Pat grabbed my arm and turned around leading me back out the kitchen door and out into the open air into the back yard.

“HOLY SHIT!” he said trying to not to laugh once we were out of ear shot of the house.

“Thank you,” I said. “No problem, your Da has a thing for you, you know that?” He said smiling broadly.

“Yeah? You think?” I replied my voice dripping with Sarcasm.

“Sorry, most of them aren’t into that part of it but your Da apparently is,” Pat said smiling at me weirdly.

“What part?” I asked.

“The incest part. I think they just do that because it’s required, most of them but apparently your Da is into it because I have never seen one of them kiss their own kid like that,” Pat commented and I felt my face turn red.

“Oh,” I said quietly.

“Dude, it’s not you it’s him, sorry I’m just really…” I cut him off

“High, yeah usually are Pat,” I sighed.

“Sorry man but you have no idea what’s up,” He said.

“Actually I do,” I sighed, “We’re supposed to make a video, yeah?” I questioned.

“Yes, that is correct, we can practice if you like?” He said cocking an eyebrow at me.

“I nearly passed out when Cole did that remember?” I said trying not to laugh.

“Yeah?” he asked me grabbing me around the waist and pulling me close so our faces were inches from each other. This really caught me off guard. My heart still pounding in my chest as I felt his hand on the small of my back as he looked down into my eyes and smiled, “You’ve never kissed me though.” He said seductively.

I gulped staring up into his face nervously, “No, I haven’t,” I answered.

“You want to?” he asked batting his eyelashes at me and smiling.

“I---I huh,” I said trying to find my words.

“You do know I’m slightly fucking with you right?” he asked and I could see him trying to hold back his laughter pulling away from me, letting go of my waist and moving to sit down on the bench next to us.

“Fuck he told you didn’t he?” I exclaimed, and sat down next to him.

“Sorry, yeah,” Pat said, “It’s ok to have a boy crush it’s not a big deal.” He smiled laughing.

“It’s a huge deal,” I said blushing, “I’m going to kill him!”

“Oh don’t I had to drag it out of him, but I kind of figured because I’m just that hot,” Pat nodded confidentially.

“Sure you are,” I snorted.

“See? There you go nothing’s changed, you think I’m hot so what? big deal, how many guys are they going to have us sleep with anyway? 100’s right? So no big,” Pat shrugged and handed me a smoke from his pack which I gladly accepted and allowed him to light the cigarette for me.

“Fair enough, he still didn’t need to tell you,” I said.

“Your kind of gave it away when you wouldn’t look at me while I was putting clothes on after my shower but you didn’t seem to have a problem with watching Cole get dressed,” He sighed puffing on his own.

“So I gave away myself?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he shrugged, “Not a big deal. You so want to kiss me though don’t you?” he asked me smiling blowing smoke in my face.

I smiled lightly, “Maybe.”

“Only maybe?” He asked me looking at me the smile still in his eyes but gone from his lips.

“Yes,” I said.

“Ok,” he said and cleared his throat moving in close to me grabbing my neck lightly with his right hand his lips meeting mine quickly and sweetly and then letting go and pulling away.

It was an innocent kiss. Not the type of kiss I was expecting which usually involved tongue and was rough and urgent. This kiss was slow, gentle, wanted but not forced. It was a kiss of two grade schoolers kissing someone that wasn’t family for the first time.

“So?” he asked me looking at me carefully.

“Not what I was expecting,” I said taking another drag, “Nice though.”

“Good,” he said, “Ever been kissed like that?’ he asked me.

“No,” I shook my head, “Can’t say I have.”

“Nice, you’ll remember it then. When I’m gone,” Pat nodded his head.

“Where are you going?” I asked him worried.

“Maybe nowhere, maybe somewhere, I don’t know. I’m getting old kid,” he said.

“Are you going to end it?” I asked.

“Been thinking about it, you?” he asked. I nodded, “You shouldn’t you got people who need you, no one needs me.” Pat sighed.

“That’s not true and you have Delia,” I mentioned.

“Delia doesn’t even really need me,” he said, “She just needs love.”

“Cole and I need you,” I said, “It might not seem like it but I mean I don’t have anyone else that deals with the same shit I do besides you two and Cole just lost Justin and he’s never going to get over that.”

“It’s true. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing now though,” Pat muttered, “I mean my Dad has finally started leaving me alone and the leader too but I’m getting all of these cameras in my face all the time. What’s my escape? They’re turning me into a porn star. What the fuck am I supposed to do when the kids at school find one of these films?”

“Well, because of our ages I’m assuming that they are very careful about who they let buy those,” I said to Pat.

“How careful really though? When I was 10 after my mom left they made one and I started getting letters from this guy ok? He brought his 3-year-old son over to our house so he could spend time with me.” Pat said seriously, “Guy had never been in the brotherhood before, didn’t know anything about it just wanted to spent time molesting someone else’s kid because I guess an ass is better if it doesn’t share DNA with you. So yeah these things get out of the brotherhood.”

“Yeah but…” Pat cut me off.

“You don’t think some of them have older kids who they probably didn’t touch because they’re not into incest? Most people aren’t into incest even pedophiles.” He said.

“So my Da’s like super weird?” I asked Pat, what he was saying having sunk in a little bit.

“Yeah for sure, I mean my Dad was like that with me for a while, I mean not as into the kissing as your Dad for sure but he was intense after I started to mature it became less and less and now he doesn’t really touch me unless it’s in a like a group thing,” he said.

“So they stop?” I asked feeling hopeful.

“I think they move forward because we outgrow them,” Pat shrugged, “If they don’t fuck you up by fucking you they fuck you up by throwing you away when you get too old.” He said.

“I kind of want to outgrow them because that means they’ll leave me alone,” I said.

“Well, my Dad usually likes younger guys I know that for a fact but your hair means he’ll stick with you for a long time.” Pat sighed.

“I’ll kill myself,” I said.

“Please don’t, then you’ll never know what it’s like to fuck me in the ass,” he smiled.

“Wait what?” I asked.

“Well, you’ve never been on top right?” he said.

“So you’d let me, top you?” I said quietly.

“Yeah, it feels really different from being on bottom,” He shrugged.

“But you’d really let me?” I asked again not believing it.

“Yeah of course,” he said, “I mean it’d be your first time ever right?” he looked at me.

“YES!” I said.

“You’re that excited to stick your dick in my ass huh?” He said laughing and I hit him lightly.

“I’ve just never done that,” I said, “This means I’m like going to have sex.”

“NO, we’re going to make a porno together, not have sex. Sex is different,” Pat answered.

“Ok,” I said, “how is it different.”

“Well, my friend,” Pat said clapping me on the shoulder, “Real sex is usually with someone you want to have sex with to start. And then you both want to do, no camera involved and a vagina feels very very different from an asshole. You’ll love the difference trust me. Unless you’re gay which honestly I’m not sure you are.” He said, “I personally don’t know if you want to have sex with me but, it’s not like they are giving you a chance to decide so therefore it doesn’t really count.”

“Would you want to have sex with me? I mean if you had a choice?” I asked.

“I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about if I swing that way or not but maybe,” Pat smiled at me.

“Well thanks,” I said.

“Yeah no problem,” he answered.

“Are you going to be sober?” I asked, “for when we, you know?”

“For the most part yeah,” he answered, “My dad wouldn’t want it any other way. You?”

“It’s been hard to get a buzz lately even when I am drinking so yeah,” I replied.

“That’s not good,” he said “You have to drink to just feel not sick right?” he asked and I nodded my head, “Yeah, that’s really not good.”

“I figured but what else am I supposed to do? You know what I deal with,” I asked him.

“If I had an answer I would give it to you but I really don’t,” Pat sighed.

“I know,” I sighed, “The other night I was on the balcony and I wanted to jump so badly. He was… he told me if I was really going to do it that he would lock me in the basement.”

“Ouch,” Pat said, “I would keep those thoughts to yourself then.”

“You think I’m not trying? I don’t want to have sex with my Da is that so wrong?” I said and I could feel myself starting to cry.

“It’s not sex John, it’s rape,” Pat said.

“Tell him that when he’s whispering in my ear that he wants me to feel good, that he wants me to cum. That he knows I like it and…” I said tears dripping down my face.

“You don’t like it though, you just told me you don’t like it. He’s trying to make you feel guilty so you won’t tell anyone because if you tell people about it, the right people he could get into real trouble,” Pat said, “You have the control not him and he knows it that’s why he says what he does.”

“You really think so?” I asked.

“Yeah. I do,” He answered.

Just then I looked back over at the house and my mum and Da were putting their bags in the trunk and getting ready to hop in. “You want to say goodbye?” Pat asked me.

“No, because then my Da might want a real goodbye and I honestly don’t want to do that,” I said.

“Ok, cool. Want to smoke another cigarette,” Pat asked me as he waved my parents off and they drove away.

“Sure, when is your Da coming?” I asked him.

“Probably not until night if we’re lucky. By the way you need to keep your little brother upstairs just a fair warning,” Pat said.

“Yeah I figured,” I sighed, “I didn’t think he was holding him just to help my mum out. I can’t believe he would want to fuck a one-year-old though that’s beyond gross.”

“Yeah well my dad is beyond gross in general haven’t you noticed?” Pat said lighting me up.

“Not really I’m usually too busy hanging from something when he’s around,” I smiled.

“Yeah he does like to hang people up doesn’t he?” Pat shrugged his shoulders.

“At least me,” I answered.

Just then an unmarked cruiser pulled through or house gate and up the drive way and we both sighed, “Speak of the devil and he shall appear,” Pat said making a dramatic gesture towards his dad’s car and I snorted and rolled my eyes, “Let’s get out of here for a while shall we?” Pat said standing up and walking farther away from the door into my backyard and I followed.


	16. 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Pat get closer, a lot closer and John confronts Karen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again not into raping people I don't think it's cool, don't do it. And thank you for all of the comments. Yes I know this is a horrible twisted story and I honestly don't enjoy writing all the torture but it's stuck in my head and apart of the story of who these characters are. It explains them and their personality is a lot of ways. Warning, underage drinking, rape/non-con, masturbation, forced sex, underage swearing, fighting, prostate milking, restraints, verbal fighting, bullying, homophobic slurs.

We walked farther away from the house. Far enough away we couldn’t be seen by anyone near the kitchen. We walked in silence me trying to calm myself down prepare myself for what was about to happen while I thought of everything. Of Christmas and my new friends and then it suddenly occurred “Why are Cole and Arthur not here?” I asked curious about it all of the sudden.

“Well it is new year’s pretty much so Arthur took him to the Villa because, what’s a new year’s party if you’re not partying hard?” Pat asked.

“Poor Cole,” I sighed blowing out a huge amount of smoke.

“Right? I hate Arthur, Arthur is a huge jackass. My Dad might be violent in the bedroom but Arthur is fucking like that all the time,” Pat said rolling his eyes, “Last week I didn’t want to do my homework and he clocked me in the ribs. Jack ass.”

“You guys spend a lot of time together?” I asked.

“Me and Arthur? As little as I can manage,” Pat mentioned.

“No I meant you and Cole,” I smiled amused.

“Oh, well yeah our Dad’s kind of have a thing going when they’re not busy fucking little boys,” Pat said, “I think they want to move in together so yeah Cole and I spend a good deal of time together.”

“That’s why you think your Dad’s are gay?” I asked.

“You mean because they are gay together? Yes,” Pat said laughing slightly.

“Nice,” I said starting to laugh myself.

“Yeah they make an awesome couple don’t they,” Pat asked his laughter starting to grow.

“If awesome couple was defined as beating the shit out of people and raping them yeah, then they make an awesome couple,” I replied putting my cigarette out.

“We should go back in before my Dad finds something else to entertain him,” Pat said motioning me forward with his hand.

I nodded my head in agreement and we started back towards the house slowly. We figured we shouldn’t be in a hurry because nothing good awaited us. We kept a slow pace right up to the door and both stopped in front of it hesitating. I took a deep breath and turned the handle entering the kitchen to find it mostly empty with my uncle sitting at the counter and I felt my insides go cold until Pat grabbed my elbow squeezing it lightly as if to say “you’re not alone in this” as I faced him.

“Here’s Johnny,” My Uncle said smiling widely at his own joke, “Come here I’ve missed you” he said grabbing me forcefully by the neck and shoving his tongue down my throat in front of Pat like it didn’t even matter that he was there. He kissed me until I couldn’t breathe and then broke the kiss to move to my neck as I tried to not to push him away because while I feared my Da would hit me if I pushed him away I knew for a fact my Uncle would as I stood there frozen as his hands moved to my belt and started to undo it.

“I thought him and I were supposed to be getting it on?” Pat asked looking at my Uncle Ben grabbing his attention enough with his words to make him stop and look up.

“True, you’re doing it downstairs though and we aren’t downstairs yet,” Ben answered.

“I will never understand you guys, how on earth can you find that attractive? He’s frozen solid,” Pat criticized.

“I like having completely control of who I fuck,” Ben answered scathingly.

“Why don’t you go fuck someone who is dead then? That would really get you off,” Pat said glaring at my Uncle.

“Woah, ok guys,” I said causing them to both look at me, “I’m ok for real whatever is going to happen just…”

“Ok,” Pat said and came up sliding into the space my uncle had made in-between us and he kissed me hard but didn’t force his tongue past my lips but waited for me to allow it. When I did he kissed me long and soft not forcefully but longingly as if it were something he wanted but didn’t want to force on me his arms wrapping around my waist holding me close. When he broke the kiss I could feel myself blushing and my head light but not from anxiety from something else.

“wow,” I said.

“This will be a nice video,” I heard Hank say from somewhere behind me.

“Sorry,” Pat said and cleared his throat.

“No, you’re ok,” I said touching his shoulder to reassure him.

“Someone just had their engine revved,” My Uncle Stated amusement in his voice.

“He sure did, so did I,” I heard Hank mutter.

“Ok boys should we go downstairs?” Uncle Ben asked as Pat grabbed my hand and started leading me towards the stairs.

We walked down the stairs in silence and he moved so I would be holding his hand while I walked behind him. He was trying to keep me calm but I could feel myself shaking. I didn’t want to do this in front of a camera. It maybe have not seemed like a big deal to some people because it’s not like I was a stranger to the camera at that point but I had never actually been the one doing the penetrating either and I knew Pat would keep that promise to me. Once we got down the stairs and outside the first red room, the one with the beds in it Hank gave us both a look signaling that we should strip and Pat pulled his shirt over his head and then the rest of his clothes while I stood there sort of frozen, nervous.

“John, it’s ok we’ve got this,” he said lifting the hem of my shirt and pulling it up and over my head for me and moving to get my pants when I gently pushed his hands away and nodded taking off my pants myself so we were both completely naked and he took my hand again and lead me into the room as Hank opened the door and motioned for us to get on the bed where Pat sat down on the foot.

I looked around the room nervously at least three cameras in the room focused on the bed as if all vying for different angles of the same thing. It reminded me of Tony’s place of the back room sending a cold shiver through my body causing goose bumps to erupt on my skin. This didn’t feel right, this wasn’t good.

“Follow my lead, you’ll be ok,” he said as he kissed my forehead and then my cheek moving to my mouth where he kissed me with tongue slowly and passionately his one hand gripping my bicep gently the other holding my neck as I slid my arms around his center. He broke the kiss moving to my neck gently licking and sucking on the skin there.

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” I whispered into his ear.

“You’re ok, just relax,” he breathed back then kissed my gently pulling me down so I was on top of him, straddling him. Hank came forward and laid two condoms next to us with a small tube of lube. My breath caught in my throat a little bit. This was really happening. I was really going to do this with my crush and one of my best friends. This wasn’t how I wanted this to happen. I could feel myself shaking slightly.

“Hey, you’re ok we’re going to be ok. I can warm you up if you think it will help,” he whispered as I leaned over top of him and I nodded my head in agreement because I wasn’t sure I could get it up or preform.

He rolled us so he was laying on top of me and he started licking his way down my neck and collar bone to my chest and reached in-between us grabbing my shaft and started rubbing causing my eyes to go wide and my body to twitch slightly. His mouth found one of my nipples and I felt my face going red as I exhaled through my mouth trying to keep myself from freaking out. Pat must have sensed I was feeling upset because he stopped sucking my nipple and licked his way back up my chest to my face and he looked into my eyes and sighed. “Pretend they aren’t here, it’s just us ok? Just shake it out we’ll be ok,” he said kissing me again and moving back down my chest.

“Oh,” I said out loud impulsively as my body started to tingle my hands finding their way into his hair.

“There you go,” he smiled at me reaching back down and touching me down below again stroking it, “It feels good yeah?” he asked and all I could do was nod my head.

He rolled back over pulling me on top of him and tearing open a condom package with his teeth helping me put it on now that I was at attention. “ok, I’ll help you get inside me but please go slow,” he said, “If you don’t it will hurt.”

I blushed and laughed lightly, “I know,” I said grabbing some lube and squirting it on myself as he helped lead me in slowly.

“Oh shit!” I said the feeling of him surrounding me being a completely different sensation from what I was used to.

“You ok?” he asked me smiling.

“I think I’m going to...,” I said trying to hold it back.

“Don’t do that too soon otherwise they might make us do something else,” he warned as we laid there still so his body could adjust to mine.

“I know,” I squeaked trying not to orgasm.

“Ok,” he nodded, “I’m ready.” I moved and almost immediately the pressure became to intense pushing me close to orgasm. Pat tensed and his eyes fluttered, “Go slower,” he said through clenched teeth and I slowed my movement which barely helped me.

“It’s so tight,” I said and I could feel myself blushing as I held his shoulders.

“uhh, yeah,” he said moving his hips slightly making me feel warm and tingly on the inside the feeling starting at the tip of my penis and spreading upward. I took a deep breath and did another thrust.

“Oh god,” I said in response to the feeling.

“mhm,” he said trying to keep himself from moaning and I did it again this time moaning without words as he did the same. We were having actual sex in front of a camera and trying our best to ignore that fact as we moaned and moved together. However, after two or three more thrusts my eyes rolled back and I hit orgasm his muscles squeezing me making the feeling that more intense as I came inside him and collapsed on top of him.

“That was pretty good for your first time,” Pat laughed lightly into my hair. And then moved so I slipped out of him and rolled over so he was on top of me, “You want me to take a turn?” he whispered into my ear reaching over beside us and grabbing the other condom while I just nodded my head.

He had no trouble preparing me and sliding into me. He waited for me to adjust kissing my forehead and neck several times and when I nodded he thrusted for the first time slowly and gently making me catch my breath and start to reharden. “Let me know if I hurt you,” he whispered one of his hands finding my right hip right below my brand to steady us.

“Ok,” I said breathlessly, “It doesn’t hurt right now,” I said as he thrusted again hitting that spot in my prostate.

He nodded his head in agreement moaning into my neck as he thrusted deeper.

“Oh god,” I said closing my eyes so that they didn’t roll but my mouth still made an o shape and I heard someone laugh breaking our concentration and causing us to look over.

“Sorry it’s nice to see you enjoying yourselves,” Hank commented and we noticed he was naked, jacking himself off “Continue,” he said as we both stared at him having lost our motion. “Seriously keep going unless you want me to join,” he said pausing as he stroked himself.

At that Pat grabbed my chin tilting my face back to him and kissed me, “ignore him.” He said thrusting again.

I knew Pat was right I should ignore him otherwise he would make good on his promise. I moaned out loud again because it just felt so amazing for once and didn’t make me feel like I was going to puke from guilt and shame. I realized something in that moment. I felt into this, it felt normal with Pat, right even though it probably shouldn’t. I wrapped my legs around him and pulled his face forward shoving my tongue into his mouth as we both moaned deeply. We both knew he was close so I moved my hips helping stimulate him more until he exploded arching his back his eyes rolling slightly as he came inside me. After a minute of laying in me he pulled out and laughed lightly into my chest and then looked up at me, “Wow,” he said.

“Yeah,” I said nodding my head in agreement, “That was different from what I’m used to.”

“For sure,” Pat agreed, “You’re not bad but you think I feel good inside you should try a vagina for sure you’ll love it.”

“If it’s tighter then that I don’t think I’d be able to get in without coming,” I laughed.

“Probably not,” Pat nodded.

“Ok guys cut the chatter, the camera is still going can we maybe get some mouth action,” Hank said coming up to the bed and I felt the color drain from my face. That was one thing that I knew I wouldn’t be able to do and Pat looked at me and saw it in my face.

“No,” Pat said looking at his Dad.

“What did you just say to me?” Hank hissed dangerously.

“I said no Dad fuck off,” Pat said again.

“Excuse me?” My Uncle Ben said coming forward and pressing a button on the camera.

“I’m not going to blow him he doesn’t want me to,” Pat answered.

“You don’t I will,” Hank said coming close and grabbing my shoulder even though Pat was still on top of me.

I took a deep breath. I would rather it was Pat then Hank because Hank tended to get over excited and I was not interested in Hank in the least, “Pat,” I said looking at him pleading with my eyes that I would rather he did it then letting his dad.

“Ok,” Pat said nodding his head, “If you’re sure.”

“I am,” I said even though I honestly couldn’t stand the thought of either of them doing it but if I had to choose I would choose Pat 1000 time out of 1000.

“All right,” Hank said clapping and walking away as my Uncle pressed the button on the camera so it was recording again.

He started at my neck and then moved across my chin making out with me for a while and then moving down my neck to my collarbone kissing and licking gently. When he got to my belly button I put my hands in his hair but at the same time I started shaking and closed my eyes trying to calm myself down trying to keep from crying as I gulped. This was something I wasn’t ok with something that I couldn’t stand even the thought of. Any oral sex I had ever had performed on me just like any sex act had been forced but the memory of the things my Da always said before and after he did it was what really made it so hard.

He took my penis and put the tip in his mouth and I flinched feeling the tears starting to come up. I couldn’t do this. This was too much I couldn’t do this, “Stop,” I said quietly but apparently even if he didn’t hear me my body language communicated enough that he pulled away.

“You ok?” he asked me and without opening my eyes I shook my head.

“ok,” he said stopping and coming up to my face, “It’s ok, I won’t do it if you can’t.”

“I’m sorry,” I said trying to swallow back my fear my whole body shaking.

“Ok my turn,” Hank said coming towards the bed and pushing Pat away and off the bed with a hard thump. “NO! Dad stop!” Pat yelled as my Uncle grabbed Pat and pulled him away.

Hank didn’t even pause or give me time to react his mouth latching around my dick as I bit my lower lip and started crying. This wasn’t fair. I didn’t like not feeling in control of my body but I knew I couldn’t push him away. I gasped as I started to climax. I knew I was going to cum my body shuddering as I tried to fight it the tingling starting at the tip of my penis and then climbing up my spine, out into my limbs and up my neck making my face feel hot as my neurons started firing and I felt myself climax in his mouth. He swallowed happily and then let go of me, wiping his mouth and smiling.

“Good boy,” he whispered into my ear kissing my neck and then biting it lightly, “you’re ok.” He said noticing how tense I was, “You taste really good you know that?” he added looking at me intensely.

“Can I go use the bathroom?” I asked not looking into his eyes, knowing that I needed to scream and not wanting to do it in front of him.

“No we’re not done yet,” he said pushing me hard against the bed, “I want to play a game. Have you ever heard of milking?” he asked me.

“No,” I answered honestly shaking my head as I heard a commotion on the other bed.

“Don’t fucking do that!” Pat yelled at my uncle as he started shackling him down.

I felt so horrible for Pat. I knew my uncle very well and he was violent I knew Pat was going to hurt bad when it was all said and done but I didn’t realize how bad I was going to hurt too at that moment too even if it was just emotional pain. “Wait right here,” Hank said getting up leaving me there frozen.

I was afraid to move, afraid of what he would do to me if I tried to get up and leave so I stayed there laying on the bed afraid to even move an inch and when he came back he had a toy with him like the one he had previously used on me my face fell when I saw it because I remembered how it made me feel. “Please don’t,” I whimpered.

“You’re ok this will be fun, I wasn’t going to use that first anyway,” he said reaching over and putting lube on his middle and index finger and then moving so he was leaning over me forcing my thighs apart and sticking a finger up my rectum.

After a few minutes he hit my prostate with his finger making me jump and start to harden. He must have seen on my face that I was thinking of closing my knees together to try and get him to stop or squeeze his arm and hand so he couldn’t move it, he moved his body so that I couldn’t as my body started to tingle.

“please stop,” I said staring at the ceiling past his head.

“You like it, you’re already hard,” he said moving his finger messaging the spot more, “Milking, the point of it is to get you to cum until you can’t anymore. It’s actually supposed to be really good for the prostate.” He said his finger traveling in a clock wise motion inside of me making me squirm.

“Shit,” I said trying not to move as the sensation traveled through my body intensifying.

It felt like anal sex only more intense more concentrated on my prostate and less going up and down. It felt good and I didn’t want it to just like when my Da did things to me. My heart started racing like it was trying to punch its way out of my chest and my breath caught like my body no longer wanted to breathe. I grabbed his wrist as a way of telling him to stop as my head started to feel too heavy for my neck to hold up and I knew I was close to a very intense orgasm.

“Yeah?” He asked me and I could hear the amusement in his voice as I felt myself starting to drip with precum. I couldn’t even make a sound all of my muscles tensing up tighter than I ever thought they could go. So tight my whole body hurt and I felt like all I could do was force myself to breathe, “You’re really close aren’t you?” he whispered in my ear leaning over me making sure his finger never left the spot, never lost rhythm, “Hey Ben want to help?” He asked my Uncle and I heard the footsteps approach the bed we were on.

“What are you doing?” He asked Hank sounding excited and curious.

“Prostate milking,” He answered my Uncle, “Want to help?”

“Can I blow him?” My Uncle asked.

“I think we’ll lose him if you do that,” Hank laughed at the suggestion.

“Yeah but I mean, look at him he’s already so close if you want to make sure he can’t cum for a while, that would be a great way to do it. Might even make him dry orgasm a couple times,” My Uncle said.

“Ok sure,” Hank said as my uncle gently grabbed me by the shaft and hurriedly deep throated me as I started to climax while Hank laughed as my body went ridged and I had the most intense orgasm of my life.

My uncle took me out of his mouth coughing slightly. “Damn he really responded,” I heard him say excitedly, “He nearly choked me he came so much.”

“Nice,” Hank said leaning over me and touching my cheek lightly to get me to open my eyes, “You good there boy?” He asked as I blinked trying to hold back my tears.

I couldn’t really feel my body other than this intense tickling feeling like I had millions of bugs crawling over my skin and any touch was magnified causing me pain as he started messaging my prostate again which caused me to whimper lightly. I would have cried out and told them to stop if I could have found my voice but I didn’t have enough air in my body to speak and I knew if I said anything it would come out in a strangled cry as the pressure in my body started to build back up with just a few movements of his finger rubbing against that spot slow and steady in the clock wise motion.

“you’re fucking hurting him,” Pat growled at them from the other bed where he was shackled down, “You’re fucking assholes.”

“Ignore Pat, he’s jealous,” Hank muttered to my uncle who started messaging my neck and shoulders because he didn’t want to over stimulate me too soon while Hank and his fingers helped the pressure rebuild into a throbbing pain starting at my groin and moving upwards and outwards covering my whole body so it seemed like I could feel my heart beating in every cell and on every inch of my skin.

“I’m going to try it,” Hank said leaning down into my crotch not taking his finger out making sure he kept hitting the spot as my Uncle held me up so Hank could get his mouth around my penis and he started sucking.

Something happened to my head and I felt like lights were exploding in front of my eyes as my lungs turned raw and started burning and my whole body started to shudder and I climaxed again. Hank continued to suck on me after I was done climaxing as it took everything I had not to try and push him off of me because I knew he would bite down if I did. After a couple minutes he pulled away licking his lips happily, “That works really well doesn’t it?” he asked my Uncle happily.

“Can I use the bathroom now?” I managed to croak out surprising myself.

“If you can get there on your own, be our guest,” Hank laughed patting my Uncle on the back, “Want to try it on the other one?” my Uncle nodded in reply and they went over to Pat.

My skin was still crawling and I went to put my foot down on the floor but couldn’t feel my legs at all so knew I wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon so I grabbed a pillow from the head of the bed and shoved my face into it trying to keep myself from crying because I didn’t want to give them the satisfaction of seeing me flip out. After a couple minutes of continuous obscenities from Pat he went silent and I knew they were doing the same thing to him that they had done to me and that thought made the crawling and tingling in my skin feel even worse causing me to claw at my arms impulsively to try and get the feeling to stop.

I’m not sure what happened but after a while I heard footsteps that caused me to curl myself into a tighter ball for fear they were coming back to me but they didn’t instead the door opened and I heard two sets of footsteps retreat from the room as the door was shut behind them even though no one said anything. I didn’t bother to look up until I felt someone sit down beside me and then lay down in the bed next to me, “hey,” Pat whispered quietly near my head somewhere causing me to look up.

“you…” he stopped speaking and his eyes went wide, “John, you’re bleeding” he said.

“What?” I asked tears still dripping down my face.

“Your arms,” he said drawing my attention to my arms.

My arms had been scratched raw almost like someone had taken a razor and shaved my top layer of skin off. “I—I didn’t do it on purpose,” I said looking at them.

“I know, you’re ok come on lets clean it up,” he said his hand hovering near my shoulder as we both got up but, not touching me as if he were afraid to spook me.

“That was intense wasn’t it?” he asked me and I nodded my head as I slowly stood on my feet my legs still feeling weak as he stood close to me probably in case I fell or my legs failed under me as we walked over to the bathroom. When we got there he put the toilet seat down and let me sit as he reached under the sink and grabbed the first aid kit.

“Why did they have to do that?” I asked numbly, sadly.

“Because we were actually happy for once,” Pat sighed, “Who knows?” he shrugged getting out the hydrogen peroxide and pouring some onto my left arm where it started to bubble.

We watched it bubble in silence and then he took a deep breath, “I’m sorry I couldn’t do that because I knew you didn’t want me to and I have always sworn I will never do anything to anyone that they don’t want me to do,” he said looking at me seriously.

I nodded my head, “It’s ok, I understand it’s not your fault.”

“Do you think it would have been better if I had?” he asked.

“No I think they would have done what they did anyway,” I answered honestly, “Have they ever done anything like that to you before?” I asked Pat.

“huh, yeah it’s one of my dad’s favorite things to do because it’s so intense I can’t …I freeze,” he answered not looking at me grabbing the antibiotic cream and squeezing some out onto my arm as he found some gauze in the first aid kit and started to wrap it around my arm.

“Do you think he knows how bad it hurts?” I asked feeling my tears starting up again.

“Yeah, he knows. I’m sure he does,” Pat answered, “They might be able to do that to our bodies but we can’t let them have our minds, promise me you won’t let them take that from you. They can take everything else but don’t let them take that.” He said using his teeth to rip a piece of medical tape off the roll and secure the gauze around my arm.

“I’m trying. It’s really hard,” I answered quietly, “I think if my Da ever did anything like that I would kill myself because that was, if it had been him I wouldn’t have been able to take it.”

“He makes you hate yourself that much?” Pat asked me taking my other arm and starting to bandage it for me. I just nodded my head, “You need to hate him instead you realize?”

“How?”

“Well, look at it this way. It’s something he is making you do ok? It’s not like you go up to him and say “hey come fuck me” usually he makes you or he says he’s going to do it to someone else if you don’t let him do it to you. So yeah you might be laying there letting him use you but it’s not because you want him to, it’s because you don’t want him doing it to anyone else. You don’t ask for it John. You don’t as hard as that is to believe it’s the truth. We don’t ask for this and we’re not ok with it. It’s just something we have to deal with until something changes.” Pat said as he finished bandaging my right arm too.

“thanks,” I said quietly, “Can we kind of forget that we…” Pat cut me off.

“If you want to,If I was going to be gay though you’d be my first choice,” he said which caused me to smile lightly, “I must not be as great a kisser as Cole though because you stayed aware while we were making out.”

“Not fair, I was locked in a cage with Cole and they were right up on us too it was too much,” I said, “And I wasn’t ready.” I added.

“Ok, so who is the better kisser between the two of us?” Pat teased.

“Man I can’t believe you just asked me that,” I laughed, “I think it depends on the type of kiss you’re looking for.”

“What do you mean?” Pat asked.

“Well, Cole is hot and heavy, fast but good but fast,” I said, “you’re slow, sweet, gentle. I don’t get many kisses like that,” I added.

“Slow and gentle?” Pat asked, “Is that a bad thing?”

“No,” I said and felt myself starting to blush, “It was nice. Different but nice.”

“You still have the hots for me,” Pat smiled causing me to laugh.

“Yes,” I confessed.

“That’s ok, it’s not a big deal.Ok let’s get out of here, if we can.” Pat said as I stood up and we both left the bathroom.

We walked to the red room door silently and I went to turn the knob and found that it wouldn’t move. This caused my heart to drop into my stomach because I knew we were locked in. Pat saw the worry on my face and moved me out of the way trying the knob himself and he hit the door repeatedly in anger when he got the same result.

“I don’t want to be stuck in here,” I said looking at Pat and I could feel myself starting to shake.

“John don’t panic,” Pat said not helping ease my anxiety at all.

“They’re going to do it again and I can’t, not tonight I can’t,” I said shaking my head.

“HEY!” Pat said loudly helping snap me out of my oncoming panic attack, “We’re going to be ok. We just have to wait all right? Anything they do to you they have to do to me too, I promise.” He said as a way to assure me that I wasn’t alone in this.

His hand found the back of my neck barely touching me and he brought me close to him using barely any pressure at all. “You’re not alone in this,” he said softly staring at my lips and I allowed him to lean in and kiss me softly.

In that moment I understood what he had meant in earlier conversations about how sometimes you wanted someone else to touch you just so you couldn’t feel them on your skin anymore as the back of my neck tingled lightly but in a not some sickening way under his touch as he leaned his forehead against mine his eyes closed as I stared at him. I wanted to feel him, to feel his softness, to feel his fingers gently touch my skin on my chest, my belly even in more forbidden places just so I didn’t have to feel my Uncle or Hank on me anymore.

Pat gasped and opened his eyes looking at me directly and I knew he had the same idea. “Are we actually going to do this?” He asked me as his hands went to my waist his face burying itself in my neck as we moved clumsily over to the bed a tangle of legs and arms as we clamored into the sheets him landing on top of me his words tickling my ear in a nice way.

“I think so,” I said my mouth finding his jaw bone kissing down into his collar bones and across his chest.

“That tickles,” Pat said laughing lightly almost like a school girl, his head falling back into the pillows as we rolled so I was on top, his hand finding its way in-between us resting on my chest.

“Sorry,” I smiled into his collarbone as he nibbled on my earlobe. That’s when I knew. We were going to do this, we were going to have sex, real sex for the first time my heart quickened a little as we rolled again his knee brushing against my testacies lightly causing me to gasp.

“You ok?” he asked tickling my ear softly and I nodded my head hugging him tightly to me as he nibbled my neck trailing his kisses down my shoulder as our hands locked. That’s when he licked me down the center of my body to my belly button and I moaned outwardly because it sent the flutters down my spine and outward with none of the shame or nausea that I was used to having with it. Just as his tongue dipped into my belly button and was about to slide past it the door knob moved and we both stopped as he climbed off me even though I could feel my face turning red as I got mortified at the thought of being caught.

The knob turned and Uncle Ben came in and looked from Pat to me and back again and then smiled, “So we really did rev some engines.” He said.

“It’s not what it looks like,” I muttered.

“Oh I’m very sure it’s exactly what it looks like,” Ben answered, “I was young once. Not too long ago actually.” He said looking at us carefully, “I could do better than him you know? I have a little more skill under my belt.” Ben said addressing me.

I just nodded my head because I wasn’t really sure what to say. I knew I couldn’t say no and that a no would get me at least a couple more bruises if not some cracked ribs or some broken bones. I had just gotten the feeling of his hands off me I didn’t want it to come back.

“Can I show you?” He asked me coming to the foot of the bed causing both Pat and I to scoot farther up towards the headboard.

Pat and I looked at each other and then looked back at him. We both knew we couldn’t say no and Pat squeezed my hand tightly as if to remind me that I wasn’t alone, that whatever happened I wasn’t alone just him squeezing my hand caused me to relax slightly to know that whatever happened wouldn’t be as bad as it could have been if it was just Ben and I as Ben grabbed my foot and pulled me back towards the foot of the bed, towards him. He straddled me leaning over top of me while Pat refused to let go of my hand but didn’t say anything as my Uncle started kissing on my neck covering up the feeling of Pats kisses with the sick feeling that I got whenever someone touched me that I didn’t want to. The fact he was taking that away from me made me want to cry or curl up inside myself and die. Pat squeezed my hand again and didn’t relax this time as I squeezed back.

“Hey can you grab me some condoms?” Ben directed at Pat who looked at him shocked that he would ask such a thing, “Hey you can either get them or I can bareback him up to you two,” Ben said and Pat nodded letting go of my hand and getting up going to the console table on the other side of the room and grabbing a couple of condoms out.

He scurried back to the bed and climbed back in beside me taking my hand again when I reached out for it. He leaned over me like he was going to kiss me upside down but instead whispered into my ear, “I’m right here, you’re not alone.” Which caused me to exhale a breath I didn’t realize I was holding as my uncle shifted and tore one of the condoms open putting it on.

“God this is going to be fucking awesome,” my uncle whispered as he shifted his weight and I felt his tip start to slid into me my whole body tensing as the pain started to hit me.

I knew he wasn’t going to slow down to give me time to adjust because he got off on the pain. And I was right as he pushed the rest of the way in and then started thrusting before I even had time to realize he was all the way in.

“Fuck!” I said with him in unison him because he was enjoying it and me because I wasn’t as I squeezed Pat’s hand and I knew I was starting to cry.

“You feel fucking amazing,” My uncle groaned thrusting harder.

Every movement burned and I wanted to scream but I knew that is exactly what he wanted from me, he wanted me to scream out to let him know I was hurting that way he could punch me or choke me so I tried to keep from saying anything biting my bottom lip tightly to keep from screaming. All of the sudden he grabbed both of my hips and rammed me as hard as he could which did make me scream out. I felt like he was ripping me and I was going to start bleeding my whole body started shaking.

“You need to stop,” I heard Pat say somewhere above me as my head started swimming.

He stopped. Amazingly he stopped. I however couldn’t feel anything besides pure raw pain coursing through my body and I knew I was going to pass out. I wasn’t sure if I was bleeding or not but I didn’t care at that point everything felt slow, and stupid and everything felt like it was on fire. I didn’t know what was happening beside me only that he had stopped raping me and then I heard the screams and I saw his hand reaching for mine and managed to roll over despite my pain and grab it tightly allowing him to squeeze. My Uncle had changed his mind and decided that Pat looked like fun. I don’t know how long he raped Pat only that at some point I must have passed out or fallen asleep because I could no longer hear the screams and I woke up to find Pat beside me still holding my hand not asleep but shaking and silent with the lights off my Uncle or Hank nowhere to be found.

“Pat?” I whispered quietly.

“y-y-ye-yes,” Pat stuttered.

“Are you ok?” I asked and then Pat rolled over grabbing my arm and pulling around him.

“No,” he said unsteadily and I knew he was crying.

Out of all the time we had been locked in one of these rooms together I had never heard him cry. Knowing he was crying shook me to the core and I wondered how if someone so strong, such a badass couldn’t take this how was I going to be able to handle it? I rolled over hugging him holding him tightly and he did the same and we cried into each other. I felt like this was going to be the end. Like we were going to be stuck down there until we died. I think we fell asleep hugging each other because at some point I woke up in a cold sweat with Pat still clinging to me dead asleep. I had to push him away and lean over to my other side to vomit. I felt so sick and so tired. I thought I was dying.

Pat woke up and touched one of my shoulders gently, “You ok John?” he asked as my stomach rebelled against me.

“Ok bud come on,” he said grimacing in pain as he hoisted one of my arms over his shoulder and used his body to support my weight and get us to the bathroom I threw up all over both of us and I felt Pat start trying to breathe through his mouth so he didn’t throw up too as he got us into the bathroom door finally and hoisted me into the shower turning on the cold water first and then adjusting the hot before he climbed in with me as I continued to throw up, “Ok hold on.” He said after he had rinsed the vomit off himself and then he climbed out and went looking through the medicine cabinet grabbed something and came back with it.

“Drink,” he said shoving a bottle of mouth wash in my face.

“What?” I asked confused.

“It’s withdrawals, I’m not doctor but you need to drink this and now,” Pat said again.

I threw up some more. I wasn’t sure it was withdrawals but I knew I was in pain and I felt sick all over, “Can’t I just have some water?” I coughed.

“Alcohol withdrawal will kill you without medical intervention, DRINK IT!” he shouted at me almost forcing it down my throat. I swallowed a good deal of it but coughed and sputtered trying hard to keep it down, to keep it in my system. Pat sat on the bottom of the shower with me and cradled me rocking me back and forth as I cried and he whispered into my ear “you’re going to be ok. It’ll be ok.” I didn’t know how long we stayed in the shower but I must have passed out at some point because when I woke up Pat and I were in the other bed and I felt slightly better than I had before even just that small amount of alcohol making a big difference to my system.

I felt like I had been down there for years and I rolled over to check on Pat. Pat was asleep and my movement caused him to stir and open his eyes. “Hey,” he said, “you ok now?”

“I think so, I still don’t feel so great .You really think that was withdrawal?” I asked him.

“Well, you were in a cold sweat which usually points to fever and you were sick to your stomach, unsteady on your feet. Next symptom of Alcohol withdrawal is seizures and hallucinations and I personally am not equipped to deal with that shit so I figured better safe than sorry.” Pat sighed.

“You might be right because I feel a little better,” I said and he nodded, “How long have we been down here?” I asked him.

“Hard to tell,” he muttered, “I can tell you I’m hungry so it’s been long enough for that. I haven’t seen either of them since your Uncle decided it was a great idea to rape both of us in a very painful way.”

“Figures,” I sighed, “They’ll probably come get us soon.”

“Probably,” Pat agreed, “until then I’m going to try going back to sleep.”

“Sounds like a good idea to me too,” I said rolling over, “night Pat.”

“Night,” Pat muttered and all went silent again for a while.

The door burst open and the lights flipped on all in one motion making Pat and I moan in unison. Neither one of us really bothered to open our eyes and see who it was because we figured it was one of two people.

“Hi hot stuff,” he said blowing hot air into my ear starting to kiss my neck roughly and I knew who it was immediately even if I hadn’t been able to tell by the voice.

“Hank,” I said sleepily trying to roll away as he grabbed me tightly around the chest and pulled me from the bed before I could really do anything about it.

“Want to have some fun with me?” he asked me as I managed to support my own body weight on my legs.

“Can I have some food first? And maybe a drink?” I asked.

“If you let me blow you,” He answered causing me to swallow.

“Dad he needs it, he almost went through withdrawal earlier,” Pat injected.

“Oh you’re one of those now are you?” Hank asked grabbing my hips and leaning down so his head was resting on my shoulder while he looked at me.

“One of what?” I asked.

“Functioning alcoholics. Need a drink just to act normal,” he said kissing my neck making me flinch.

I really didn’t like even the thought of Hank blowing me. I hated Hank and I hated him touching me anywhere. I was pretty sure my body language communicated that every time I saw him but, some people are pretty clueless and maybe he was one of those?

“I’m too tired to function at all,” I mumbled as Hank decided to grind against me causing me to jump. I really didn’t feel like having sex especially with him. Ever. Pat must have seen this desire or lack thereof in my face because he coughed lightly and moved off the bed towards us.

“Dad can I speak to you alone?” Pat asked his father timidly.

“Sure, come on,” Hank replied and they left the room walking out into the hall way and shutting the door.

I sat back down on the bed and pulled the covers around myself to hide my nakedness. I felt nervous because I knew when they came back in I was going to have to let Hank do what he wanted with me. The thought made me sick to my stomach and made my spine tingle in a bad way. I was worried about what Pat was saying to his dad about what we almost did or about how I felt about Hank personally. For all I knew they were talking about what color they were going to paint the house this year but, I highly doubted that was the topic of conversation.

After a couple of minutes, they came back into the room and Pat sat down on the bed next to me. “What did you say to him?” I asked Pat curiously.

“I asked him to get us some food before anything else happened because honestly I’m that fucking hungry and I’m not sure how well your body could handle the stress. I mean you faint from heavy foreplay my friend so yeah,” Pat said, “He ordered a pizza.”

“So he’s not going to let us leave?” I asked.

“No they are kind of holding us hostage until the new year apparently,” Pat said clapping me on the shoulder sadly, “However this means that because they have us they are mostly leaving everyone else alone.”

“What do you mean mostly?” I asked my heart skipping a beat.

“Well, if you notice your Uncle Ben isn’t here right now so,” Pat said, “Do you really think he’s not getting reacquainted with someone?”

Pat must have seen the look on my face, “Ok, I didn’t mean he was for sure I just meant what else would he possibly be doing? You know the guy he breaths sex, I mean when you see him is he ever not having sex or terrorizing someone?”

“Really not helping with my impending panic attack Pat,” I said as he hugged me around the shoulders.

“It’s ok. You’re 13 and he’s a grown man how much can you really do to stop him? It’s going to be ok,” he said, “Just breathe.”

“Those are my brothers! I’m supposed to be protecting them!” I said as I started hyperventilating.

“Karen is up there!” Pat reminded me.

“Yeah but Karen is fucking dumbass,” I shot back.

“Fair enough,” Pat nodded, “But would he really try something out right with Karen up there?”

“I guess not but, she’s not sleeping up there with them I don’t think,” I answered.

“I think they’ll be ok, meanwhile we’re stuck down here,” Pat reminded me.

“Ok,” I said calming down a little bit.

“Yeah,” Pat said running a hand through my hair looking at me closely.

“What?” I asked looking at him slowly intently.

“It’s…nothing,” Pat said looking away and blushing slightly.

“No, really Pat, what?” I asked him again.

“You make me question so many things. Serious things because you’re so fucking captivating” he whispered staring into my eyes.

I was speechless. I had never been told I was captivating before. It felt nice coming from Pat especially when he gave me that look. I didn’t know what to say to be honest but I knew I still had a major crush on him but that didn’t mean that we were gay. I wasn’t exactly sure how to react because I didn’t want to laugh and brush him off.

The door opened and Hank coughed, “Good way to get your names in the bowl fellas so I would take some cold showers separately if I were you two.”

“Dad, it’s just a little crush,” Pat said looking over at him.

“A little crush can get you really dead,” Hank sighed, “I don’t want to lose my favorite toy or my son so if you could please chill I would be very happy.”

Pat sighed and I crossed my arms in front of myself. He had just called me his favorite toy. My stomach hurt and I was no longer hungry and I think Pat could see it on my face because he nodded at me and smiled sadly as if to say it was ok that I should just ignore it but I honestly felt really hurt. To have it confirmed that they really all thought of me that way, that I was just a toy. Something to be used and discounted that admission from Hank really hurt.

“I think I’m going to go use the bathroom,” I said getting up and quickly hurrying to the bathroom before either one of them could stop me and slamming the bathroom door.

“Dad are you fucking kidding me your favorite toy? Did you seriously just say that?” I heard Pat shout from the other room.

“Well,” I heard Hank answer, “He is. And you obviously understand why, I mean look at him.”

“He’s a person Dad, he’s not a fucking toy,” Pat said venomously.

“That’s exactly what he is a fucking toy, a toy to fuck,” Hank answered.

“NO, he’s not. He has feelings, he has thoughts he’s not a toy at all why don’t you see that? Why don’t any of you see that? We’re not toys none of us are toys,” Pat said and I could hear the hurt in his voice.

“You’re toys until the moment you sign that fucking contract that gives you control of your own life if you keep your mouth shut get that straight. You have no right to have feelings or thoughts you see this? I control this, this is mine and anyone else who I decide to give it to you understand me?” I heard Hank yell and I felt his anger and his seriousness.

“Yeah fine, fuck you too,” I heard Pat respond and then heard footsteps as I moved away from the bathroom door and Pat burst slamming it shut and then leaning against it.

“You didn’t have to stick up for me,” I said quietly.

“You’re my friend yeah I did,” Pat answered.

“I’ll pay for it later,” I said.

Pat looked at me seriously and I saw the hurt in his eyes as he looked at me he then came forward and grabbed me gently by the neck pressing our foreheads together like he seemed to do whenever he really wanted me to not just hear him but feel him. He closed his eyes as I watched not even a full inch between our gazes and then he took a deep breath, “And I’ll make it better after, I promise and no one ever has to know.”

“Are we serious about this? Whatever it is?” I asked.

“Yes, I am if you are,” he said his lips hovering close to mine I could feel that he wanted to kiss me. I knew I was the only boy he probably ever wanted to kiss and it made something deep in me tickle. I knew I was attracted to him his sky blue eyes and black hair, his lip ring that made him look just a little gothic and rebellious in the best way.

“What about your Dad and the brotherhood and…” he cut me off.

“We don’t tell them; we don’t let them catch us. Justin and Cole snuck around for a year before they got caught. Before…” Pat back away realizing what he was saying.

Realizing what had happened to Justin because he decided he wanted to be with Cole. “Oh,” he said slowly voicing what we were both thinking.

“We can’t do this,” I said, “Keep it to videos only? Pretend they aren’t making us and just pretend it’s you and I until we can have a chance if our feelings don’t change?” I suggested.

“Ok,” Pat said grabbing me by the shoulders, “That’s going to be really hard for a while but I can do it. I’ve never felt this way about a boy before.” Pat said smiling slightly.

“I haven’t felt this way about anyone before so you’ve got more experience than me,” I said.

“Ok, let’s just hope it goes away,” Pat said and I nodded in agreement, “I’ll still make it better if you want me too though.” Just then there was a very loud knock on the door that made both of us jump.

“Pizza is here,” My Uncle called from the other side of the door. When we exited the bathroom the pizza was there hot in the middle of the floor with two paper plates and a bottle of vodka that was mostly empty. Probably just enough to keep me from feeling sick with two cans of soda and Uncle Ben was standing near the door with his arms folded staring at us.

“Thank you,” I said to him sitting down on the floor and handing a plate to Pat who nodded his thanks at my Uncle and sat down beside me grabbing some and digging in.

We ate in silence enjoying the pizza slowly knowing that when we were done the camera would be turned back on more than likely and we would have to preform sex acts we didn’t want to. My Uncle stood against the wall and watched us like a hawk. I was almost afraid to look back and see who he was watching because I knew that’s the person he would be picking to torture first and I couldn’t stand knowing that information. I barely tasted the pizza even though it felt good to have food in my stomach and Pat let me drink all of the vodka even though I offered it to him repeatedly. After I got two pieces down Hank reappeared and I saw the look on his face as he walked towards us and tapped Pat on the shoulder, “Remember what I said, you’re going to be ok,” he said quietly as he dad looked down at me.

“John,” Hank said standing above me and holding out his hand to help me up which I ignored and climbed to my feet on my own. As soon as I was standing up straight he grabbed my ass cheeks and basically stuck his tongue in my ear making me freeze causing me to start counting my breaths to keep myself breathing. He backed us up onto one of the beds and his finger started teasing at my asshole as he pushed all his weight onto me and started biting my neck.

“Slow down,” I said trying not to push him as his finger found its way inside, “Please slow down,” I rasped feeling the tears coming up, “I please just slow down.”

“Dad he said slow down!” I heard Pat yell from somewhere else in the room and then I heard what sounded like a hand impacting against someone’s face.

“ouch, ok, ok,” I said before he forced his tongue into my mouth silencing my protest as he grabbed at my hips effectively scratching the skin.

I felt like he was trying to eat me he was so eager to do things to me that I wasn’t ready or willing to do. I tried to listen for some sort of sound to focus on and I couldn’t hear anything but my heart pounding in my ears and I couldn’t and knowing that made me start to panic even more as he shifted above me to do something that I wasn’t paying attention to but broke the kiss long enough for me to breathe deeply only to come back biting into my torso below my left nipple where he had already left a scar from biting me a couple weeks ago as I felt something cold and wet press against my asshole and I braced myself because I knew this was going to hurt. Just then he pushed inside causing me to claw his shoulders and he laughed into my neck.

“Hurts a little?” he asked me thrusting not waiting for an answer causing me to claw deeper into his skin, “I like it rough.” He said before he stopped shifting his weight forward so we were level again and he was looking into my eyes.

He stared at me and I could see this mix of lust and hate in his eyes and it scared me, “You won’t kill my son. If one of you dies because you can’t keep your dick in your pants it will be you I promise,” he hissed in my ear and then thrust up inside of me hard, “Fuck yeah.” He moaned. I reached out my one hand to ball the fabric of the sheet in my fist but he caught my hand before I could grab it, “Nope, I want you to feel this,” he said holding my wrist roughly in-between us as he pushed harder and faster.

“I can’t,” I gasped as I felt my face turning red and I couldn’t tell if it was from shame, exertion or because I wasn’t breathing well.

“You can’t? You’re doing pretty fucking good right now baby,” he said as he hit that spot inside me but hit it wrong making me flinch in pain, “Yeah,” he cooed into my shoulder licking my collar bone.

The pain was so terrible I felt like I was going to pass out but my brain refused to cooperate with my idea to do so. “You’re hurting,” I said as he grunted over me.

“I’m almost there, hold on I’ll make you feel so good after I promise,” he said picking up his pace but not going as hard. He changed his position slightly and that time when he hit my prostate it felt like it should and made me hold my breath and close my eyes hoping I didn’t give it away. “Fuck yes,” he said as he stopped moving and I felt him cum inside me and he collapsed on top of me knocking what little air I had left in my lungs out making me feel numb and like I was being crushed by a 250-pound boulder as he started kissing and sucking on my neck. He stayed there for what felt like forever but eventually he sat up his hands running up and down my chest petting me and I knew what he was going to do and I would have sat up if he hadn’t been sitting on me keeping all of his weight on my waist and abs.

“Don’t, don’t!” I said shaking my head, “Please I’m begging you don’t do...” I said closing my eyes as he stuck his hand between both of us and grabbed my penis.

“You know it feels good,” he said in just the same way my Da would have if it had been him.

I started hyperventilating and shaking.Hank laughed starting to stroke as I tried to keep breathing. I knew I was going to pass out but I was glad for it because it was an escape one I could seriously use and then someone stuck their hand in my face giving me an inhaler and trying to make me use it.

“Come on John, you don’t want to pass out right now if you do it will just keep going longer,” I heard my uncle say as I shook my head trying to avoid my own inhaler, “Ok your choice, you want to wake up to me on top of you that’s on you or how about me blowing you?”

“Why don’t you fucking blow me instead?” I heard Pat shout out across the room.

“I already did you want some more?” My Uncle turned and shouted back.

The lights started to flicker and I knew I was close to passing out but Ben shoved the inhaler into my mouth and made me use it just enough to open my airways. I wheezed as the air started moving through my lungs again. I wanted them to stop touching me, I needed to remove my skin and slip away and then Hank moved out of my sight and OH SHIT, was my immediate thought. I really didn’t want to climax, no, no no that was all I could think was don’t do it body you better not fucking do it as I started to feel that pressure build.

I knew I couldn’t stop it from happening even though I didn’t want it to and that I shouldn’t fight it but I really didn’t want it to happen but he kept applying the stimulation to the point where I couldn’t hold it and I came breathless in his mouth and crying near out right sobbing because I hated myself and my body that much.

“You’re ok,” Hank cooed in my ear coming up to my face and hugging me tightly, “You’re ok you did great, you taste so amazing,” he said kissing my neck and chin.

At that point I shut down finally my brain allowed me to leave to go blank and become numb as he continued to kiss me but moved so he was lying beside me instead of on top of me and I felt my uncle starting to touch me.

“ _go away, just go away this isn’t happening, this isn’t real_ ,” I thought to myself over and over trying to ignore what was going on. I remember after a while I felt far away it felt like it wasn’t really happening at all but that I was watching a movie, a horrible fucking movie where nothing good happens, where there was no happy ending and nothing was ok. Suddenly something happened and WHAM! I crashed back into my body.

“Well that woke him up,” Ben laughed into my collar bone as my body was shuddering as I hit orgasm again.

“Ok, well I’ve had my fill now I need some real food, you think they’ll behave if we leave them down here alone?” My Uncle asked Hank coming up for air and Hank nodded kissing me on the cheek and climbing off the bed. I didn’t bother to look up or really look at anything as I heard them walk over to the door and shut it behind them their footsteps receding down the hall way.

Once I was sure they were gone I don’t know where I found the energy but I charged at the door throwing myself at it. “LET ME FUCKING OUT!!” I screamed into the door pounding on it as hard as I could.

“John, John calm down,” Pat said quietly walking over.

“NO, NO, NO! I don’t want this anymore,” I screamed not being able to stop the feelings from rushing out of me, “I don’t want to anymore! I want out, let me out!”

“John, their gone for right now,” Pat said putting his hand on my shoulder gently which I shrugged away and then started trying to tear at the bandages that were still around my forearms, “John don’t, you’re going to hurt yourself.” Pat said with such intense worry in his voice I looked into his eyes. That’s when I noticed the pain there not for himself but for me and I allowed him to hug me tightly.

“You’re ok,” he said to me hushing me like I was an infant, “You’re going to be ok.”

“You don’t get it, they didn’t hold you down and make you…” I started to say.

“Not this time but they have before,” Pat said, “You were there remember they tied me up, I couldn’t go anywhere just like you. I understand exactly what’s happening.”

“Have you ever tried to kill yourself?” I asked still letting him hug me.

“Ok,” Pat sighed and then we moved over to the bed, “You can’t John, please don’t even,” Pat said.

“It hurts so bad though all the time,” I said.

“I know but even if it’s just a crush I don’t know what I would do without you,” Pat said, “You and Cole are like the only two friends I have.”

“I just want to not feel them on me, it’s all the time Pat, literally all the time even when they aren’t touching …” I said as he kissed me on the lips surprising me but making me feel something else other than them.

I kissed back at first just because he had kissed me and then I coaxed his mouth open and stuck my tongue in his mouth and it felt like water running over the fire that having them touch me had lit under my skin, almost like a breath of fresh air after being stuck inside for what seemed like forever. My hands found his rib cage as his found my shoulder blades and we ended up laying down we kissed until we were out of breath and then broke apart.

“You ok?” he asked me softly staring into my eyes.

“I’m better,” I answered quietly.

“Good, I understand what it’s like to just need them off your skin,” he said rubbing the side of my neck and shoulder it feeling like an eraser removing the feelings of their hands and mouths on my neck and along my collar bone.

“Did he hurt you?” I asked running my hand along his forearm looking closely at him.

“I’ll be fine,” Pat answered, “I’ve been through worse.”

“Hank?” I asked my eyes glancing away.

“Yeah when I was a kid it was pretty bad, That’s why I flunked a grade you know? He kept me locked in the house naked, half the time I was bleeding and chained to the basement floor. I’m still here though and you will be too when this weekend is over, I swear it to you,” he said rubbing my hair.

“Why can’t I control anything though? Why can’t they just give me something? Anything?” I asked glumly.

“Because they aren’t those people they want to make us hate ourselves, they don’t want us to be ok. Prove them wrong with me,” Pat sighed.

“How?” I asked.

“I wish I knew,” Pat answered and I noticed him staring at my lips.

“Pat?” I asked waving my hand in front of his face and raising my eyebrows humored by the fact he couldn’t stop staring at my mouth.

“Sorry,” he said sheepishly and then cleared his throat.

“I’m naked and you choose to stare at my face,” I started laughing.

“Shut up, you have a great face,” Pat said.

“Well, thank you,” I said and I could feel myself blushing.

“Don’t be shy, you are naked,” Pat said, “Want to fool around?” he asked me.

I sighed. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to or not. It felt nice to have someone else on my skin but, I felt like that and a crush wasn’t enough reason to put our lives in danger but before I could really answer he started kissing me. He kissed my forehead first and then my cheeks and then laid a gently closed mouth kiss on lips. He pulled away and looked at me.

“It will be ok if we do,” Pat said, “He won’t tell anyone he likes you too much and he doesn’t want to lose me, I’m a meal ticket,” he said.

“My Uncle might tell someone though,” I said.

“Ok,” Pat said, “Just means we can’t be caught by him. My dad isn’t going to tell anyone though. I know he won’t.”

“How do you know he won’t?” I asked totally unsure.

“Well, how many of a cop’s kids can turn up dead before it becomes an issue? That and your hair keeps you pretty safe I mean he’s not bored of you yet. Usually he runs through bottoms like some girls go through boyfriends, a different one every week. He seems to be stuck on you though.” He said his hand returning to my hair, playing with it.

“Lucky me,” I rolled my eyes, “You know he’s paying for me?” I asked.

Pat bit his lip and nodded his head, “Yeah, well technically Arthur is paying for you but I don’t know Arthur is…” Pat shook his head.

“Arthur is what?” I asked.

“Well, everyone has a type they like and you’re not Arthur’s type. Arthur is like your uncle he’s into pain but he likes older guys, older than us,” Pat said.

“Oh,” I said and Pat nodded his head. “Flynn’s age?” I asked even though I hadn’t met Flynn it was a name I was familiar with because of Vic or Dr. Palmer. Justin’s older brother.

Pat smiled and nodded his head, “One of them, yeah.” He said. “How do you know about Flynn?”

“Vic told me a little bit about him,” I answered.

“Ah,” Pat nodded his head again, “Vic’s a good guy. He’s too good I think he’ll get caught just like the last one.”

“That means they’ll kill him though right?” I asked surprised Pat was even saying it.

“Yeah,” Pat sighed, “I don’t know if I were smart enough I’d probably be working towards being his replacement one day but, I’m not smart enough to be a doctor.”

“You seem pretty smart to me,” I said.

“That’s just because I’m naked in bed with you,” Pat chuckled, “No really though I’m not that smart. I do ok grade wise I guess but usually I just cause trouble. I fuck my way through school and if I end up making it out of the brotherhood, if I live long enough I don’t know what I’ll do. Live off my hush money until it’s gone maybe? I haven’t really thought about it because they might make it seem like a lot of people get out, but we really don’t.”

“I figured,” I sighed laying back and staring up at the ceiling.

“Why do you say it like that?” Pat asked.

“Well,” I sighed trying to think of what I wanted to say, “You can only go through so many things together before you form a weird bond that sometimes just goes past normal stuff. Relationships form, unspoken understandings are made and just like. To have someone threaten to take that away at any second is too much. To have someone threaten to kill you or your brothers if you tell anyone is too much. You either end up giving up and letting yourself just burn out or everything just explodes. I don’t know it just seems obvious.”

“You’re smart, and you’re handsome,” Pat said laying his head on my chest over my heart and I felt him press his ear close.

“You’re listening to my heart beat?” I asked him softly after a few minutes.

“So I know you’re real,” he whispered into my chest and I nodded my head in response and put an arm over his shoulder as we laid there in silence.

We must have fallen asleep again and been left alone for a while because the next thing I knew the door was opening and they were letting us leave.

“Happy New Year guys,” My Uncle said as we stood in the hallway and started putting our clothes on and going upstairs.

“Well, we’re free for now,” Pat said as we opened the basement stairs and were both blinded by the sunlight coming through the kitchen windows.

“Holy hell,” I said shielding my eyes, “Boy did I miss the sun. How long were we done there?”

“Well, he said new year so I’m assuming two days or so. It means your parents come home tomorrow so hopefully no more entertaining down there,” Pat said clapping me on the shoulder and looking at the fridge, “You guys have food in there right?” he asked.

“Last time I checked,” I mumbled walking up behind him as he started pulling grapes out of a bag and eating them, “hungry much?” I asked as he forced a grape into my mouth and laughed.

“Well, duh,” he said grabbing some bologna out of the lunch drawer along with some cheese and mayo and handed them to me, “Want a sandwich?” he asked me.

“Sure,” I said grabbing the bread out of the bread box and grabbing a knife.

Just then I heard some footsteps on the stairs and then they stopped for just a second and then hurried down “JOHN!” Catty shouted throwing herself at me as I put the bread on the counter.

“Hey,” I said catching her in my arms, “How are you?” I asked her.

“I’m good Karen is super mean though,” Catty answered.

“Mean how?” Pat asked before I could.

“She made us go to bed early and then she kept yelling at Will and calling him bad names,” She said and my face fell and Pat locked eyes with me.

“What bad names?” I asked.

“I can’t say it’s adult words,” Catty said, “you’re coming back upstairs right? We miss you when you’re gone.”

“Yes, hey Pat can you make the food and then I’ll come back in couple of minutes,” I sighed.

“Sure thing, unless you want my help,” he said.

“Nah, I’ll go check on him first,” I sighed, “ then you can bring the sandwiches up I’ll come meet you on the second floor?”

“Sure,” Pat said nodding as I carried Catty up the stairs and back to the elevator.

“You can tell me this one time; you won’t get in trouble for saying any adult words I promise.” I said.

“She called him a faggot and said he was a butt fucker,” Catty said covering her mouth, “I don’t like those words.”

I punched in my code and we got on, Catty holding my hand. She could tell I was upset. My only thought was at least she was quitting. I could only imagine what type of weekend Will had been having. When the door opened it wasn’t the usually noise that greeted me but silence, the curtains were drawn and no one seemed to be moving around.

“Where is everyone?” I asked Catty.

“Karen said we had to stay in our bedrooms,” She said.

“WHO IS OUT OF THEIR ROOM?” Karen boomed from the other living room.

“see,” Catty said hiding behind my leg.

“Hello to you too Karen,” I said folding my arms across my chest.

“You? Where have you been?” She sneered at me.

“Catty, could you give Karen and I a minute alone?” I asked Catty softly bending down and she nodded scurrying to her room.

“Where do you think I was,” I asked her cocking my eyebrow.

“Don’t even fucking start that first you and now your brother fucking really? You’re a bunch of liars! I’m so glad I’m quitting.” She hissed at me.

“So then you are aware he’s been here, awesome,” I shot back, “Karen be honest with yourself your dad likes to fuck little boys ok? It’s not my fault and it’s not ok.”

“God what is wrong with you kids don’t you get enough attention you have to make things up about every adult man in your life?” she asked me.

“Every adult man?” I asked her.

“Your Dad, your uncle who is next the president?” she scoffed and I felt my face go red.

“Yeah, that’s what your brother said, he said your dad and uncle have a thing for you guys too and I highly doubt it,” She said.

“Will,” I shouted so I could be heard, “Will come out here please,” I said.

“What?” Will said sounding slightly annoyed as he walked down the hall. I couldn’t see very well in the dark but I could tell he had a black eye.

“Who hit you?” I asked him.

“He claims your uncle did that,” Karen sneered.

“Shut up fuck face!” Will hissed at her.

“At least I don’t dream of getting up the ass from my relatives,” she shot back.

“Karen are you fucking five? He’s 11 shut your fucking mouth,” I warned her.

“Said the 13-year-old,” Karen said to me.

“Oh dear god please Karen, if you don’t believe us that’s fine but please just get out of our face about it ok?” I said.

“Well it’s kind of hard to believe people who hang out with my brother,” Karen scoffed.

“Karen!” I shouted and then did something I never thought I would have the balls to do I lifted up my shirt and let her see the scratches and bite marks down my chest, “Does this look like a lie to you?!”

Her mouth fell open, “No fucking way.” She said after a second.

I put down my shirt my face red out of both anger and embarrassment and I looked at Will who had a look on his face that was a mix between impressed and shocked and I turned around and walked to my bedroom slamming the door. Breathing heavy.


	17. 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John confronts Karen, him and Pat sit down and talk about some things. John reveals more to mum about what's going on, things he hasn't told her yet. He questions how his mum feels about him and finds out something horrible happened while he was locked away downstairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok I'm posting and doing an edit later to make it easier to read because I'm tired and it's like 6am and I haven't gone to sleep yet. I'm using someone else's computer but none of this is saves on their computer it's in my cloud. this chapter should bring you guys up to page 383 so yay almost half way through part one congrats! let me know what you think. What I could do better that type of stuff I like comments. Warnings: Underage kissing ,talk of rape/non-con, siblings fighting, homophobia, self-esteem issues.

“holy shit what did I just do?” I whispered to myself, “shit.” Just then I heard a crackling over the loud speaker and remembered Pat was downstairs. So I opened my bedroom door and went to the elevator passing Karen who was still standing the hallway her mouth still gaping open like a mentally deficient person. After I passed her she finally said something.

  
“Rough sex?”

  
“How many 13 year olds do you know that are having sex?” I asked her raising an eyebrow and walking into the elevator pressing the button to close the door and punching my code in to take the elevator down.  
I arrived on the second floor and Pat was standing there and he must have seen something weird in my face because he gave me a questioning look.

  
“I just showed your sister my chest,” I said.

  
“Ok, she’s not that impressive and it doesn’t take much to excite her so you were trying way too hard there my friend,” Pat said.

  
“No, I wanted her to believe me when I…,” I trailed off.

  
“She’ll find away to explain it to herself that isn’t the truth trust me. I’ve been there done that,” Pat said.

  
“Yeah she asked me if I had rough sex,” I answered.

  
“Are you serious?” Pat said starting to laugh handing me my sandwich, “That’s awesome.”

  
“That is not funny,” I said cracking a smile because he was laughing. And closed the lift punching my code back in.

  
“Does the code thing actually keep anyone safe?” Pat asked.

 

“Not really, no,” I said, “It gives my mum some hope though so I’ll go with it.”

  
We rode the lift in silence eating our food all the way up and when the lift opened there was Karen standing in front of it.

  
“Hi bitch, how are you today?” Pat said.

  
“Excuse me? You know what dad would do if you heard you call me that,” She said.

  
“You don’t know half of it Karen so shut up,” Pat shot back.

  
“Can we just go to my room?” I asked Pat.

  
“Yeah, lets,” Pat said looking at me and Karen must have seen something in Pat’s face because she scoffed.

  
“I see,” she said shaking her head, “Does Dad know?”

  
“Know what?” I asked and then it dawned on me, “Oh, we haven’t done anything.” I said and Pat nodded his head in agreement.

  
“Really? I think your chest is telling a different story John,” she said, “Wait until I tell your mom I wonder what she will think,” she said smiling.

  
“No it’s really not like that,” I said.

  
“John, it’s no use explaining anything to her, she doesn’t care she will believe whatever she wants to believe,” Pat said softly.

  
“But it’s really not like that, you know that Pat,” I said back, “It’s not fair.”

  
“Yeah well, she’s quitting anyway so why does she matter? Who can she tell that doesn’t have a slight idea and like you said we haven’t done anything,” Pat said.

  
“Can we talk about this in my room?” I asked Pat and he nodded his head following me down the hall.

  
Pat sat down on the bed and I reached underneath it grabbing one of my drinks out and taking a big gulp from it as Pat drew the pack of cigarettes out from his pocket and a lighter.

“Crack the window?” he sighed handing me one and I nodded my head and climbed onto my bed to open the blinds and the window.

  
“We haven’t done anything we have more or less agreed we won’t,” I said as he lit my cigarette for me.

  
“Well, it’s not true that we haven’t done anything…” Pat said slowly lighting his own.

  
“That doesn’t count,” I said thinking of what that had felt like, being with someone I actually had feelings for.

  
“ I would still like to at some point, just us if you want to,” Pat said.

  
“You’re so confusing,” I confessed blowing out some smoke.

  
“You’re confusing me!” Pat exclaimed his eyes going wide, “Like I thought I had a thing for Delila but, something about you. You’re so smart and nice and you care . You’re funny I don’t know. I wish I could figure this out because it’s not what I picture but, it’s all I can think about.” He said his forehead wrinkling in the center his eyes squinting in concentration with his confession.

  
“From the moment you saw me?” I asked remembering that feeling, the feeling of first seeing him of wanting to run my hands through his hair which I reached out and touched as he looked at me.  
He nodded, “I don’t think I’m into guys but, I know I’m into you,” he whispered lifting the window screen and throwing his cigarette out and I did the same.

  
“I don’t even know what I’m into. I’ve never had the chance to think about it,” I said.

  
“Can we figure it out? Together?” he asked me and I nodded my head as he kissed me. He kissed me and the hair on the back of my neck stood up but instead of a cold chill it was warm and soft but exciting his hands finding their way up the hem of my shirt and then my shirt was off my body and on the ground his kisses covering all the spots where they had kissed me, covering the bad feelings with good ones as I kissed his hand and his wrist and up his forearm. Before I realized it we were both breathless laying on my bed side by side and then we stopped staring at each other.

  
“Woah,” I said staring into his eyes and he nodded his head in agreement.

  
“Is this what real sex feels like?” I asked him and he smiled at me.

  
“You mean the warm feeling that seems to be in every cell of your body? Yeah, what do you think?”

  
“It’s not at all what I thought it would feel like,” I said as he started kissing down my chest which caused me to squeal.

  
“Sorry,” he laughed into my rib cage, “Does it feel nice though?”

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head.

  
“Want to go farther?” he asked me putting his hand on the button of my jeans and he watched my reaction. I felt my face fall.

  
“You’re ok. We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do ok?” Pat said softly, calmly. I nodded my head in response.

  
“I’m serious, nothing you don’t want to do,” he said touching my face, “Never, I swear it.”

  
“Ok, can we just kiss?” I asked and Pat smiled widely.

  
“Of course handsome,” he replied locking lips with me again.

  
I don’t know how long we laid on the bed just kissing but at some point there was a knock on the door and we both stopped and looked at each other and then broke apart awkwardly sitting on opposite ends of the bed, “Come in,” I said after a minute reaching down to find my shirt and starting to put it back on.

  
“Where have you been?” Matt asked coming into the room and shutting the door.

  
“Downstairs,” I said trying to make sure he got my meaning without having to say it.

  
“Uncle Ben’s been up here,” Matt said and I saw him swallow.

  
“Who was it?” Pat asked carefully as I inhaled.

  
“Mike, he really hurt him,” Matt said quietly, “He won’t say anything it’s so quiet John, he’s so so quiet and I can’t get him to talk to me at all.” He said and I could hear his voice cracking like he was trying not to cry.

  
I got up and went down the hall to Mike and Matts room and found Mike curled up in a ball on his bed staring into space. His eyes looked glassy like he hadn’t closed them in a while and had an absent look in them. I bent down so I was in front of his face careful I didn’t touch him in case it was going to be a trigger.

  
“Mikey?” I asked quietly and looked at Pat who was watching us worriedly, “Does Will know Matt?” I asked.

  
“No,” he said simply.

  
“Ok, I need you to tell Will and tell him to call Dr. Palmer because I need to atleast get him on the phone, ok? Everything will be ok I promise but we need an adult ok?” I said.

  
“Ok,” Matt said walking down the hall to tell Will and do what I told them to.

  
“Oh geeze,” Pat sighed coming to sit next to me on the floor, “Mike are you in there?” Pat asked waving his hand in front of Mike’s face and Mike started crying.

  
“Ok kid,” I said as he reached out a hand to me and I held him, “It’s ok. You’ll be ok buddy” I said rocking him back and forth and Matt came running down the hall back to the room and joined our hug. At the time I didn’t know how bad it was, how badly he was hurt but I knew uncle Ben and uncle Ben always made sure it hurt. After a couple of minutes Will opened the door and came in.

  
“I called Dr. Palmer, he’s coming,” He said, “He said if he’s bleeding we need to call 911 because it’s going to take him some time to get here. He said like an hour because he’s doing something somewhere else.”

  
“The Villa,” Pat said and Will and I both nodded.

  
“Should we bathe him?” Pat asked.

  
“No,” I said shaking my head, “Mike I need you to stand up I have to make sure you’re not bleeding,” I said to him and he held me tighter.

  
“He’s not,” Matt said suddenly.

  
“How do you know?” Pat asked looking at him confused.

  
“They have a twin thing, he probably told him,” I replied and Matt nodded his head.

  
“ Weird,” Pat mumbled.

  
“Always,” Will and I said in unison.

“It hurts,” Mike said quietly.

  
“I know bud, it’ll be ok,” I said holding him.

  
I didn’t feel like it would be ok but, I had to say it so maybe he could feel it but in reality my heart was breaking. I had done everything I could and yet again I had failed. I knew it wasn’t about me though that it was more important it was about him. I knew it was the first time for him and remembering how invasive and violating that felt made it important to me to make sure he was my focus. And while it always hurt that first time was still one of the most painful times I remembered ever experiencing.

  
“How long ago did it happen?” I asked him.

  
“I don’t know,” Matt answered, “ Sometime last night I guess,” he said.

  
“Shouldn’t you call your parents?” Pat asked me.

  
“They’ll be home tomorrow anyway so I’m not sure if we should,” I answered, “Mike do you want me to call mum and da?”

  
“No, Da will be mad,” Mike mumbled.

  
“Ok bud, whatever you want,” I said.

  
We sat in silence for a while with my little brother clinging to me at some point Pat got up and walked away I figured it was back to my bedroom to smoke for a while. I didn’t see Karen at all but I figured she was probably in the nursery taking care of the little ones because that’s what she was being paid for. At some point the buzzer went off meaning someone had come to the front gate and Will disappeared to buzz in the person and in about 10 minutes Doctor Palmer was rushing in with his bag out.

  
“What happened?” he asked getting down on the floor with us.

 

“Uncle Ben,” I sighed simply.

  
“Ok, let me see him,” he said and I looked up and saw Pat talking in the hallway with a tall blond man quietly.

  
“Do you want me to stay Mike?” I asked him and he shook his head so I left the room quietly and shut the door.

  
“Hey,” I said quietly.

  
“Oh hey, is he ok?” Pat asked me.

  
“I think he will be but he still needs to be checked, I think it was his first time,” I sighed and Pat placed his hand on my shoulder.

  
“This is a weird question,” I said looking at the young man standing in front of me, “But, who are you?” Pat laughed at me.

  
“John it’s Flynn,” he smiled.

  
“Nice to meet you,” Flynn said.

  
“So, Dr. Palmer is now making house calls with you?” I asked.

  
“Actually no, I huh, fine ok yes but only because I was with him,” Flynn said, “Sorry.”

  
“You were with him?” Pat asked and then smiled widely, “AH, you were with, with him weren’t you?”

  
“It was a date kind of, yeah,” he answered.

  
“Ok well if he’s here who is doing Villa duty?” Pat asked a worried look on his face.

  
“Probably Dr. Huntz why?” Flynn asked frowning.

  
“No,no,” Pat shook his head, “Shit.”

  
“Pat?” I asked starting to panic.

  
“COLE IS THERE! FUCKIN A!” he shouted.

  
“Oh shit,” Flynn said.

  
“What am I missing?” I asked my panic increasing.

  
“Cole what?” Vic stuck his head out the door of Mike’s bed room.

  
“Cole is at the Villa Vic, we have to go now,” Flynn said.

  
“What is going on?” I asked again.

  
“Ok,” Pat said taking a breath, “You know how my dad is with you? Dr. Huntz is that way with Cole and Cole I don’t know if you’ve noticed hasn’t been…”

  
“In a good place,” I finished his sentence and Pat nodded.

  
“Ok, Flynn go to the car, John can I talk to you?” Vic said looking at me as Flynn went to the elevator.

  
“What’s up?” I asked as he pulled me aside.

  
“Nothing is torn, he’s just really sore I gave him something so he’s going to be sleeping, if he complains of pain asprin and ice ok?” Vic said and I nodded, “Ok cool I have to go, like now, call me if anything happens yeah?” he said and went to the elevator to leave.

  
“Do you want to go with them?” I asked Pat.

  
“I can’t,” Pat said looking at me sadly his face telling me he wanted to cry, “I walk in there and I’m stuck until my dad decided to come and get me and who knows when that would be?”

  
“Do you think he’ll be ok?” I asked.

  
“I hope so,” Pat said, “He’s like my brother.”

  
“ I hope he’s ok too, you’re the only two friends I have you know?” I asked Pat and he came over and hugged me tightly, “He’s strong.” I said trying to comfort Pat.

  
“Not as strong as he was when Justin was here,” Pat said.

  
“They’re still downstairs you know?” I said to Pat.

  
“I know,” Pat said, “We’re going to be fine though I mean they let us out if they weren’t finished they wouldn’t have let us out. Your Da is supposed to be …”

  
“Don’t, remind me please,” I said.

  
“ He’s that bad to you?” Pat asked me frowning.

  
“It’s more the things he says then, the way he does it that really gets to me,” I said voicing something to Pat I had never really talked about before.

  
“Is he ok?” Will asked coming out of his own bedroom.

  
“He’s sleeping Dr. Palmer gave him something to help him sleep. He said it’s just his first time so he’s going to be sore,” I said.

  
“Ouch,” Will said, “I’ll keep an eye on him.” Will sighed.

  
“Thanks,” I said to Will who nodded.

  
“Want to go talk?” Pat asked me and I nodded my head.

  
We went back to my room and I took a deep drink and then handed it to Pat who did the same. I wasn’t sure if he wanted to talk or make out but I was ok with either because either would have been a much needed distraction. I didn’t want to think about anything difficult. I didn’t want to think about the fact that my Da was probably going to be on his way home in a couple of hours and then I would have to deal with him and probably Mum and Uncle Ben drama and just things I didn’t want to deal with.

  
“So,” I said staring at him in silence.

  
“So,” Pat smiled lighting a cigarette and taking a puff.

  
“Did it hurt getting that lip ring?” I asked.

  
“No,” he chuckled lightly, “I’m lucky my Dad likes to grab it and drag me around but seems to have been ordered to let me keep otherwise it would already be gone.”

  
“Yeah, he would rip it out,” I agreed.

  
“It makes kissing nice though doesn’t it?” He asked me biting it making it wiggle.

  
“I’m not sure if that’s the lip ring or you,” I answered.

  
“Maybe we should find someone else with a lip ring and have you kiss them?” Pat answered.

  
“Huh, no, I’m cool,” I said.

  
“Are you not interested in kissing anymore?” he asked me.

  
“No, I am it will help me not worry about things I think,” I said and Pat’s face fell a little.

  
“What?” I asked my own smile fading.

  
“You don’t want to think about the fact he’s coming home right?” Pat said and I closed my eyes pinching the bridge of my nose and picked up my vodka taking another gulp.

  
“I’ve only been with him that one time.” Pat said.

  
“He want to take me on a date Pat,” I said out loud knowing how weird it sounded.

  
“A date?” He asked.

  
“He took me to the doctors once,” I started shaking.

  
“You don’t have to tell me,” Pat said his face getting worried.

  
“No, I want to,” I said and he nodded, “ He took me to the doctor and then out to a movie and then he took me to this restaurant where every booth had curtains around it. Like a Chinese place and he introduced me to this guy, Tony. After we were done eating Tony took me into this back room with cameras and he had a bunch of guys in masks chain me to this bed and Tony …” I couldn’t keep speaking.

  
“Oh John,” Pat said as I exhaled deeply.

  
“When they were done they undid one of my chains but not the other one and I pulled to get away and that’s how I broke my arm,” I finished.

  
Pat looked at me in silence for a second, “That was the first time you were ever with anyone else?” he asked me.

  
“Besides him and my Uncle yeah,” I answered, “ I haven’t told anyone that before. So needless to say I’m not looking forward to any “dates” we might have.”

  
“I’ve been to Tony’s but not in the back room. There was this one guy who had a thing for me when I was younger. The curtains are there so you can have some privacy almost everyone in there is there with some kid on a “date”.” Pat said.

  
“I hate him,” I said softly feeling like I was about to cry.

  
“Your Dad?” Pat asked nodding his head.

  
“He thinks it’s, I don’t know.”

  
“We’ll never understand what they think,” Pat said touching my cheek, “ It’s ok to hate him Rabbit just don’t hate yourself.”

  
I smiled at that, “Rabbit?”

  
“I like Rabbits and you have this cute face you make when you’re sad it kind of reminds me of a rabbit,” he blushed lightly.

  
“I like it,” I said and leaned forward kissing him.

  
“Good, “ he said smiling back at me, “So you don’t want him to come home?”

  
“ He scares me,” I said, “He doesn’t leave me alone you know? When I try to catch a break he tells me he’ll go get someone else and I can’t let him do that. And he gets so mad when he thinks I’m upset about it. Yet I can’t breathe when he’s in a room with me. Half the time I don’t know if I’m going to be able to keep it together when I hear his voice.”

  
Pat moved forward and laid down on the bed beside me laying his head on my chest, listening to my heart beat again as we laid there together. The best moments I remember with him were silent moments. Moments with his head on my chest or mine on his. The best moments are always the small things.

  
“You confuse the shit out of me still,” he sighed after a while sitting up and looking at me his hair messy.

  
“Same, Can you hand me the vodka?” I asked and he obliged so I could take a drink.

  
“If you ever want to stop you have to tell Vic so he can ease you through it,” Pat sighed looking at me, “ I’ve seen guys try and go cold turkey and it’s not good, so promise me if you ever want to stop you’ll ask for help,” he said grabbing my hand.

  
“I will,” I sighed and took another drink, “I hardly ever catch a buzz anymore.”

  
“Because you’re used to it,” Pat answered.

  
“I won’t stop until he stops,” I shrugged.

  
“You’ll out grow him,” Pat said.

  
“What do you mean?” I asked.

  
“Well, I out grew my dad,” Pat said, “ They tend to have an age type guys like our dads and after you hit a certain age he won’t be interested anymore. Trust me, if you hold on you’ll out grow him and things will get better.”

  
“I hope so,” I said.

  
“You will and when you do I’ll be here to celebrate with you,” Pat said and smiled.

  
“That might be years though, will we still be together?” I asked him.

  
“Well,” Pat said wrinkling his forehead in thought, “I don’t want to put on label on whatever this is but if we aren’t still doing this, we’ll still be friends right?”

  
“Yeah probably,” I said.

  
“Good,” Pat said he said kissing my forehead, “You need to get a TV in your room.”

  
“I want one but I don’t think my mum will let that happen, I think she’s afraid she would never see me if she did that,” I sighed and took his arm wrapping it around my shoulder.

  
“You’re a teenager she’s not supposed to see you, she’s supposed to slid plates under the door and scream “I fed the beast” while she runs for cover,” Pat laughed.

  
“I’m not that moody,” I laughed back.

  
“Not yet,” wait until we start giving you uppers and downers and lefters and righters…” he teased.

  
“I think I’ll stick to drowning thanks,” I turned blowing air in his ear.

  
“Oh!” he said raising his eye brows, “That tickled,” he said ticking me under my arm pit making me laugh and squirm and suddenly again we were kissing. Really kissing hands up each others shirts. It always felt so good to have someone else’s hands on my skin warm and alive and gentle. It was calming and yet exciting all at the sametime. We made out until we were tired and fell back on the bed.

  
“What time is it?” Pat asked me.

  
“I don’t know you’re the one with the watch silly,” I laughed grabbing his wrist and looking at his watch, “It’s like five.” I sighed.

  
“What do you think they are doing?” Pat asked.

  
“I don’t know and I don’t care,” I sighed back.

  
“Is everyone up here and accounted for?” Pat asked.

  
“I think so,” I sighed, “We would have heard something going on if they weren’t.” I said standing up.

  
“I made you do a head count didn’t I?” he asked.

  
“Yep,” I sighed, “Come on,” I said holding out my hand that he grabbed and I pulled him up off the bed.

  
We knocked on doors, Mike and Matt were in their room laying down and James was in his own room as well. Catty was playing barbies in hers and Will was reading a book the last stop was the nursery. I knocked and opened the door and there was Karen rocking Seamus in the rocking chair.

  
“What do you two want?” she asked looking at us as I silently counted heads.

  
“Just making sure everyone is here,” I sighed.

  
“Where else would they be?” she asked.

  
“Well, I don’t know Karen you’ve left me alone with Dad before how do I know you aren’t just going to throw a kid at him and say “have at it dad”?” Pat said.

  
“Pat, stop it he’s our dad,” Karen said quietly.

  
“Stop what?” he asked her.

  
“Telling lies about him, you have other people doing it now too. I don’t understand what he did to make you hate him so much,” she said.

  
“Yeah, ok,” Pat said walking away.

  
“Thank you for that,” I said trying to be civil.

  
“Yeah, yeah lover boy,” she hissed back.

  
“Excuse me?” I asked confused.

  
“I’m not stupid you’re both freaks,” Karen scoffed.

  
“I’m 13,” I reminded her.

  
“Yeah I know, and he’s 14 which makes it that much worse don’t you think? You know how wrong it is not only that you’re so young but that you’re both boys maybe? That’s disgusting.”

  
“We’re not fucking having sex!” I said loud enough that Seamus started fussing.

  
“Thank you for making my job harder,” she hissed at me rocking faster trying to hush Seamus back to sleep, “Either way it’s disgusting and it’s a sin.”

  
I sighed and walked out shutting the door quietly behind me. Pat was right she was in denial. I think deep down she knew what was going on and she didn’t want to admit it to herself . Her own father was a pedophile and she had the nerve to call two confused teenagers disgusting. I walked down the hall to find Pat in my room smoking a cigarette.

  
“You ok?” I asked him.

  
“I’ll be fine,” he winked at me.

  
“You and Karen have a lot of issues,” I said.

  
“You could say that again,” Pat said, “She’s hated me from birth. My mom knew my Dad had issues because he told her. He told her he couldn’t deal with having little boys and yet when she found out I was going to be a boy she had me anyway. Karen was pissed I was a boy too she tried to give me bleach in my bottle once when I was a baby. When I was maybe five mom left us home with him. Karen wasn’t supposed to leave him be alone with me no matter what happened. He wanted to give me a bath and so she walked away. I don’t even remember what happened really. I remember how much it hurt and how gross I felt and how that feeling has never gone away. She was supposed to be baby sitting Charlie the day he died and she left him alone with Dad. She doesn’t know what happened. No one does.”

  
“You know what happened to Charlie?” I asked softly.

  
“I”ll never forget it,” He said lighting another cigarette as he through the butt of the one he just smoked out of the window.

  
“I’m sorry,” I said knowing I shouldn’t push the subject. That if he really wanted to tell me one day he would.

  
“She has done everything she ever could to make sure I suffer so yeah Karen and I have a lot of issues,” Pat sighed.

  
“She thinks we’re having sex,” I said.

  
Pat smiled, and then started laughing, “I’m not sure she knows what sex is.”

  
“I think she probably does, she’s 19,” I said.

  
“I think if she saw us making out she would think it was sex,” Pat said.

  
“Yeah?” I asked smiling back, “It feels better than sex.”

  
Pat threw the butt of his other cigarette out the window and then got up off the bed coming towards me. He grabbed me around the waist smiling widely at me, “Even when you were inside me?” he asked and I blushed.

  
“That was… pretty good,” I said as he kissed my forehead.

  
“Yeah?” he asked kissing my ear.

  
“Yes,” I nodded.

  
“We can do that again any time you like,” he said landing a kiss on my lips.

  
“We’re going to get into so much trouble,” I said.

  
“My middle name is trouble,” Pat said.

  
“Really?” I asked.

  
“No actually it’s Hennessy,” He admitted.

  
“After the drink?” I asked.

  
He just shrugged his shoulders, “I didn’t pick it. What’s your middle name?” he asked me.

  
“I have three,” I answered kissing his cheek.

  
“Oh Mr. Fancy, and what are they?” He asked smiling.

  
“ Martin, Patrick, Christopher,” I answered.

  
“That’s awesome, was that your mom? Because if so she totally rocks,” He said.

  
“Because we have a name in common?” I teased.

  
“Yes, I’m a bit in love with myself if you haven’t noticed,” Pat joked.

  
“I just thought everyone else was in love with you,” I answered and he pulled my shirt over my head and I felt my heart leap.

  
“Well, I’m not interested in everyone,” he said and we started making out again.

  
We made out a lot. However I have to say he always respected that I didn’t want to go below the belt. At that point in my life I had enough people pushing my boundaries and I think he knew that very well and so if I didn’t say it was ok it never happened not even an ass grab.

  
We ended up back on the bed again cuddling and making out and at some point I think, I can confirm that my mum probably knocked on the door but we didn’t hear it because she walked in while we were mid tongue wrestle and she screamed Pat froze and my face went bright red.

  
“What in the world?!” My mum managed to choke out once I found my shirt.

  
“Happy New year?” Pat more asked than actually said.

  
“Patrick…” My mum started.

  
“Yes, Mrs McGregor I will be in the living room?” he asked.

  
“Yes, that’s fine Patrick,” My mum said as he walked out and shut the door behind him. Once he was gone my mum sighed, “your shirt is on backwards and inside out.” Was the first thing she said.

  
“I can explain mum,” I said slowly.

  
“Oh I’m sure there are plenty of things you can think of to say but lets start with you’re 13 and yes, I am very aware of our situation here but that doesn’t mean you throw yourself into bed with people.” She scolded “Not to mention another boy. We’re catholic.”

  
“You’re catholic I don’t know what I am. I don’t know how I feel about anything mum don’t you understand why?” I asked her.

  
“Can you try girls before you try boys?” She asked, “You’re life is already hard enough.”

  
I felt my face turning red because I knew I was about to say something about this choice I was making to try guys before I tried girls and I knew it was going to hit her hard so before I could stop myself I just spit it out, “They make videos of us having sex with each other mum the guys are just kind of there,” and then I clapped my hand over my mouth.

  
“Who is they?” She asked me slowly completely ignoring the fact that I had admitted to engaging in sex acts with other boys my own age.

  
“I—I ,” I tried to speak and all of the sudden I couldn’t.

  
“Well I’m waiting,” she said folding her arms and staring at me.

  
I still couldn’t manage to get any words out as we stared at each other. I didn’t know how to say it. She didn’t know about the brotherhood and thinking about telling her made me sick to my stomach.

  
“John?” she said softly her anger abating finally noticing that I hadn’t moved.

  
I couldn’t tell her about the videos. I couldn’t tell her that he sold me that I was his whore. That he climbed into my bed every night I couldn’t do it even though I knew she knew about some of it but to let her know all of it just the thought was enough to paralyze me and I could feel her judgment, her hate.

  
Just then someone knocked on the door and both my mum and I thought it was Will or someone else because she sighed, “We’re busy,” she said quietly but the door opened anyway and there stood Pat.

  
He didn’t wait for my mum to do anything he walked up to me and grabbed me by the neck pressing his forehead to mine like he had done all the other times to comfort me. He did it as if she wasn’t even there and he looked me straight in the eyes.

  
“You’re not alone,” he said to me his stare looking right into my soul past everything I thought everyone could see to something deeper something else inside me. Past all the alcohol and self hate and anger, down into the pain, “You’re not alone.” He said again and I could feel his tears falling into the collar of my shirt.

  
“I can’t do this,” I whispered as I started crying.

  
“No, look at me, you’re not alone you can do this. I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere,” he whispered.

  
“Does anyone want to tell me what’s going on?” My mum asked gently looking at both of us.

  
Pat nodded, “May I shut the door?” he asked her and she shrugged her shoulders as if to give him permission so he shut the door and turned and sat down on the floor as she sat down on the foot of my bed.

  
“My dad is not a nice guy Mrs. McGregor. He’s a really really bad guy. He belongs to this group of people who like to hurt kids and sometimes they tape it. They make kids do things with each other too and they tape that as well and then sell it to other people who like that sort of thing.” Pat said as my mum sat calmly and listened, “ They kill kids and video tape that as well but anyway. John has been…” Pat paused and looked at me and I couldn’t look him or my mum in the face. I couldn’t believe I was going to let him out me but I felt helpless to stop him. “John has been in a lot of videos lately.” He finished.

  
My mum frowned but was silent, “Is this true?” she said her voice unsteady looking at me for confirmation.

  
I still couldn’t speak but she watched me and I nodded my head realizing my face was wet. I was crying.

  
“Oh love, I’m so so sorry,” she said softly.

  
Even though she meant to comfort me her words stung almost like the whips on the night they hung me from my arms in the red room. I felt so ashamed so deep down guilty I couldn’t react to anything and before I knew Pat was pulling me to the floor and I was letting him and he was holding me tightly trying to bring me back to get a reaction from me.

  
“You’re ok, we told and we’re ok,” he whispered as I allowed him to rock me back and forth.

  
After finally being able to breath I found my voice, “Then why does it feel like the world is ending?” I managed to croak out.

  
My mum got down on the floor and she wrapped her arms around both of us, “Because you’re afraid.” My mum answered my question and I could hear the tears she was fighting to hold back in her own voice, “You’re so brave, both of you. I’m so proud of you. I’m so sorry boys.”

  
My mum held us both as we cried and she cried over us. I don’t know how long we stayed on the floor in our little huddle crying but it had to have been a while because I don’t remember it getting dark only that suddenly it was and we were drying our eyes.

  
“Well,” my mum said after her face was dry, “ Pat is staying the night here but I don’t want any funny business.” She said meaning no making out, “I will keep it together so nothing changes. I will try to keep my temper and check but, I have to say I wasn’t happy to see your uncle. Wish me luck.” She said standing up and leaving.

  
“So how do you feel?” Pat asked me.

  
“Numb,” I answered simply.

  
“Well, it was a pretty big thing to open up about,” Pat said.

  
“I couldn’t even say it, you had to say it for me,” I said.

  
“Oh Rabbit, not everyone can have their own voice all the time. You did well you did so well and I didn’t tell her everything,” He said hugging me.

  
“I don’t think I’m ever going to tell her that,” I said.

  
“Maybe one day you will,” He said.

  
“I don’t think so,” I said.

  
“She loves you, she’ll listen whenever you’re ready.” He sighed.

  
“Ready to tell her what? Th-that my body hates me?” I asked.

  
“You’re body doesn’t hate you Rabbit, he made you hate your body,” he said touching my neck and shoulders.

  
“I wish you could touch me all the time. Your hands make it go away,” I sighed.

  
“See? We told you didn’t we?” he laughed lightly.

  
“Yes you did,” I nodded and he gave me that look again, “What?” I asked.

  
“What do you mean what?” He asked me.

  
“You keep giving me this look,” I said.

  
“OH,” He nodded, “Sorry it’s a crush.” He said kissing my lips. When we broke apart I looked at him closely. It must have been an intense look because he sighed, “What’s wrong?” he asked me.

  
I sighed deeply, “I think,” I paused, “I think I want to feel you everywhere.”

  
Pat looked at me and half smiled, “Oh,” he said.

  
“IS that bad?” I asked him.

  
“No, I don’t know I’m weird,” he answered me.

  
“Weird how?” I asked him.

  
“Do you know anything about mechanics ?” He asked.

  
“I’m not exactly sure what that means,” I answered.

  
“Well, in a heterosexual relationship usually the woman receives and the man gives or there is a top and bottom, in homosexual relationships there is too. I’ve kind of never done that willingly but I’m not sure where I would stand. You know, if it was consensual so I guess I was thinking about it too hard.” he said blushing.

  
“Ah,” I smiled trying to not laugh, “I can understand that. It’s not exactly like I’ve ever been consensual with anyone guy or girl.”

  
“Well did you like being with me? You seemed to,” Pat said.

  
“I think I would have liked it more if there hadn’t of been a camera pointed at me but, yes I did enjoy that,” I said.

  
“Want to try it again?” he asked me pinning me to the floor lightly and straddling me.

  
“My mum said we shouldn’t,” I reminded him.

  
“Ok, you are right and maybe a break from kissing your beautiful lips would be good,” he smiled.

  
“Are you mad?” I asked him.

  
“NO! No, I’m not mad, I told you never anything you don’t want. I mean that,” Pat said grabbing my hands and squeezing them.

  
“Ok,” I said not sure I believed him.

I didn’t want to upset my mum but, I didn’t want to upset Pat by saying no. My brain felt weird confused. Pat must have seen it in my face because he sighed.

  
“Don’t question yourself,” He said softly, “You’re ok. How about I ask if I can sleep in Will’s room? Is that ok?”

  
“Yeah,” I nodded my head.

  
“Ok, I’ll go ask,” Pat said getting off me and then walking away.

  
I stayed on my bedroom floor. I knew it was close to bedtime and I wondered if we would be spending the night together. I had no problem giving him my bed and taking the floor but I worried about Da because he had been gone for days and usually at night he came to my room.

I wondered how that would work out and if Da would be angry when he found me sharing a room with someone else. I mean Da seemed pissed when the leader got a response from me I wondered how he would feel if I was with someone I actually wanted to be with. Maybe it was better if Pat stayed in Will’s room. That way I didn’t have to worry about anything awkward happening when my Da came in.

  
After a few minutes Pat came back in and sat down next to me, “Will said it’s ok,” Pat answered and I nodded my head.

  
“Good,” I said sitting up.

  
“You really don’t want me to stay the night in here?” Pat asked confused.

  
“It’s not you,” I said shaking my head.

  
“I could go home,” Pat said.

  
“No, my mum won’t let you go home. Not with everything we just told her. She’ll keep you here as long as she can,” I answered.

“Oh geeze I’ll end up wearing your clothes if we do that and no offense but your dress style is very different from mine.” He smiled.

  
“You’re a lot thinner then I am,” I added.

  
“Not really just taller, once you get taller you’ll be thin too I bet you anything,” Pat said looking me up and down, “ I can picture you being very long and lanky like I am.”

  
“I don’t know I think I’ll be wider in the chest looking at you,” I said.

  
“When you harden up?” Pat questioned grabbing my shoulders, “If you work out yeah. Not too much though.”

  
“I hate that expression,” I said, “Makes me sound like a fucking cheese that needs aging or a wine. I’m a person not an object,” I said.

  
“You’re right. You are a person it’s just shop talk I’m used to hearing it so I say it, sorry,” Pat mumbled.

  
“Do you think I’m fat?” I asked.

“No, you’re just young. You have baby face that’s all John,” Pat said.

  
“When is that going to change?” I asked him, “I can’t figure out if I want it to or if it’s better if it doesn’t.”

  
“Come here,” Pat sighed closing my closet door so my full length mirror was visible, “Stand here,” he said grabbing me by the shoulders and standing me right in front of the mirror, “What do you see?”

  
I refused to look at myself, “ What am I supposed to be looking at?” I asked as Pat went behind me and lifted my shirt over my head “What are you doing?” I asked half laughing.

  
“Look,” Pat said grabbing my chin and forcing me to look in the mirror, “You look nice, you’re handsome.” He said putting his chin on my shoulder.

  
“I don’t want to be handsome, I don’t know if I want to be fat or thin but I know that I want them to leave me alone,” I said and I could feel my face getting hot.

  
“Hey, hey,” Pat said turning me away from the mirror, “You’re ok. You’re going to be ok. I know how bad it hurts I get it but give it time and they will stop I swear.” He repeated what he said earlier.

  
“How do you know?” I asked him, “My Da said he wants to know what I’ll look like that he wants me to mature.”

  
Pat was quiet for a minute, “ I see. I hate your dad.”

  
“Me too,” I said I felt like I was about to start crying, “I’ve been crying a lot today.” I said closing my eyes and pressing on my eyelids to push the tears away.

  
“It’s been a hard day,” Pat shrugged, “Sometimes people cry it’s ok. I guess I’ll be down the hall. See you in the morning?” he asked me.

  
“Yeah, see you in the morning,” I smiled and he kissed me on the cheek, “Goodnight”

  
He nodded and walked out leaving me standing there in front of the mirror with my shirt off. I still couldn’t bare to look at myself. Not really look. I was short, slightly chubby, had red hair and green eyes and a face full of freckles. If you could picture an Irish boy in your head, I would probably fit the picture to a tee. I found nothing about myself attractive and was tired and embarrassed about the fact that other people did find me attractive. I hated myself, my body especially and I found it awkward that someone as awesome as Pat could actually like me even though I loved the way his hands felt on my body. Even though I loved the way he made me forget about them if only for a moment.


	18. 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John gets into some trouble and Pat helps him in an unexpected way as they grow closer. John is now returning to school and learning more about school society and how that is going to work. He gets some bad news about his first day back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You are at page 398 and that means you still have around 400 more pages to go before part one is over. Thank you for everyone who left feed back. Warnings for this Chapter rape/non-con, physical abuse, underage drinking, underage smoking, talk of sexual abuse, talk of priest abuse, underage kissing, forced oral sex, forced anal sex. Oh yes and forever the swearing don't forget the swearing.Again don't condone rape especially the rape of children just say no.

I expected my mum to check in with me before bed but she didn’t. So I decided to take a long shower and after I did that I put on PJ’s and climbed into bed trying to get some sleep. I didn’t sleep at all I sat there thinking about how Pat was in Will’s room instead of mine and everything we had talked about. It sounded fun. Like it would more enjoyable then it had with the camera there. I had almost thought myself into it when my bedroom door opened and I knew who it was from the smell so I snapped my eyes shut.

  
He got down on the floor next to me on his knees and leaned over me whispering into my ear “god I missed you.” And he started kissing on my neck and I knew he was aware I was no longer sleeping.

  
“Da please could I skip tonight?” I asked without moving.

  
“Surely your uncle didn’t tire you out that much?” He asked me, “I saw your video with your friend by the way. You looked like you were having fun. That’s good it will sell well. You might not have to spend any more time with Hank,” he said climbing on top of me, “Don’t give me that look.”

  
“What look?” I asked even though I could feel how wide my eyes were and my heart thumping against my rib cage. I hated this. I hated being afraid of him and I hate being touched by him. I hated not being able to get him to leave me alone.

  
“Like I’m going to hurt you,” he whispered as he grabbed the hem of my shirt and started lifting it over my head, “I don’t hurt you, your body likes the way I make it feel. You know you like it even if you don’t want to.”

  
“Please? Just tonight,” I begged.

  
“But, I missed you so much,” he said shifting his weight to my right side so he was between me and the wall of my bedroom as he undid the draw string on my pj bottoms.

  
I grabbed his wrists. I didn’t want to do this. Not tonight. He would take Pat, the feeling of him and push him away. Push all of the good calm feelings and touches away and replace them with the cold sharp feeling of his hands on my body and I didn’t want that. In response he grabbed my wrists squeezing so it hurt pushing my arm up into the pillows.

  
“Don’t make me mad,” he whispered letting go of my wrists his hand going back to my stomach and rubbing it right above my waist band, “None of them will love you like I do. Not ever, remember that.” He said this look on his face that I still have no words to describe but it was such an intense looks it made me gulp, “Good.” He said nodding his head grabbing the fabric of my pants and underwear around my right hip and pulling it down.

  
I remember being afraid to move. Not being frozen with fear but actually just being afraid to move because I was afraid of what he would do if I did as the cold fire from his finger tips spread over my skin as he touched me. He rubbed my hip bone with his fingers and the insects started crawling under my skin. I didn’t want this. I couldn’t do this. He was taking everything and making it hurt again making it bad.

  
“Da, don’t please,” I actually begged and then cringed squeezing my eyes shut waiting for him to hit me or choke me in response.

  
“What did you just say?” he asked shifting so his full weight was laying on top of me and I felt like I was being squished.

  
“I—I—I’m sorry,” I managed to say but didn’t dare open my eyes. I knew he was angry I could feel it coming off him like steam off a boiling pot of water.

  
“I can go spend time with someone else if you like,” He said and I shook my head in response. I might have hated it but I hated the thought of him hurting someone else more. “Open your eyes,” he said to me, “I want to see your eyes,” he whispered above my nose.

It felt like it took every ounce of strength I had just to move my eyelids up ward and even then with him level I couldn’t look at him and stared at my own nose.

  
“Baby,” he said kissing my forehead erasing another one of Pat’s good kisses with one of his cold ones, “Look at me.” He coaxed and I shifted my eyes upwards, “There you are,” he smiled at me making my stomach feel sick.

  
“I won’t hurt you I swear. Just let me love you. Let me make you feel good yeah?” He said shifting his weight again and I knew he was going to finish taking off my clothes, “Maybe not worry about my satisfaction just yours?” he asked and I felt myself get light headed.

  
That was the one thing I hated more then anything else any of them could do. Just thinking of it made me want to cry.

  
“Oh come on you know you like it,” He said looking at my face as he pulled my bottoms down around my knees and he grabbed my penis, “You’re so well hung for your age have I told you that?” he asked me as my eyes went wide and he started rubbing.

  
I felt my face going hot and what felt like my throat closing up. I didn’t want him touching me like that. I reached up and grabbed my headboard in order to brace myself as my body began shaking because I was starting to become erect. I exhaled deeply the feeling traveling from my crotch up my spine and spreading outward into my limbs.

  
“It feels good doesn’t it?” he asked me as I struggled to keep breathing, “John, baby don’t check out stay with me,” he said noticing that my eyes were staring at some far off point.

  
I gasped, “ I can’t breathe,”

  
“You’re speaking you’re breathing baby remember we’ve talked about that before right? Just try to relax. Just look at me and relax,” he said starting to kiss my neck.

  
“ouch,” I said as he kept rubbing.

  
“I know it doesn’t hurt,” he breathed into my ear, “ Just cum for me, you’ll feel so much better.”

  
“please Da, pleas…” My eyes started rolling back into my head and I started to climax.

  
“That’s it baby, I love it when you cum for me. God yes I love it when you cum especially when it’s nice and hard in my hand or down my throat. I’m going to lick you like an ice cream cone when you finish and then I’ll make you cum again baby.” He rasped into my neck as I came hard.

  
He wasn’t holding me closely and just had a hand on my penis so once I finished coming I pulled my knees up under my chin and hugged them to my chest shivering.

  
“Don’t you dare give me that look,” my Da said very seriously, “ If you hate me so much then why can I make you cum so hard huh?” he hissed, “You like it and you know it so I don’t want to see that look in your eyes ever you understand me?”

  
“You don’t get it do you?” I whispered.

  
“Get what that you’re an ungrateful little shit who doesn’t realize how lucky he is to have a Da who loves him so much?” he hissed.

  
“Da it’s wrong,” I said.

  
“You know what’s wrong? That you can’t protect your little brothers from your uncle because you don’t try hard enough. That’s wrong. You want to know what else is wrong that you would rather cum for whoever sticks their dick in you then your Da who loves you and cares about you that’s wrong. You’re a fucking whore that’s what’s wrong.”

  
“please,” I said softly starting to cry.

  
“Why don’t you love me John?” He said, “I love you so much and I try everything I can to make you feel good and yet you don’t care.”

  
“I don’t want to do this with you,” I whimpered.

  
“You don’t want me to make you feel good would you rather I hurt you like your uncle does you seem to prefer it. I’m sorry I like making you feel good I didn’t realize that was such a horrible thing.” He hissed, “If you didn’t want to have sex with me, why on earth do you orgasm every time?”

  
“I try not to,” I answered quietly.

  
“That’s a bullshit lie and you know it,” he hissed at me, “ What do you think your mum would do if she found out you spend every night with me? What do you think anyone would do? They’d hate you,” he hissed.

  
The saddest part about it was I believed him. For someone who claimed to love me in that moment he sure hated me because he was saying everything that I feared and using it to break me. He must have seen something in my face because he stopped glaring at me like he wanted to kill me and stopped himself. It was almost like he had been possessed and then the devil had withdrawn from his body leaving just my Da behind.

  
“Oh baby,” he said softly pulling me into his chest, “I’m so sorry. I’m just jealous I swear I didn’t mean any of it.” He said to me as he pried my arms away from around my knees my whole body just frozen.

  
“I’m so sorry baby, I love you so much I didn’t mean any of it,” he whispered as he shifted his weight taking off his pants and underwear and then started pushing my legs apart and I knew he was going to rape me yet I felt so confused and so ashamed I didn’t stop it as he climbed on top of me and reached into his pocket pulling out a small thing of lube.

  
I let him do it. I let him enter me and find his rhythm as I laid there frozen. It was better than having him blow me because unless he hit the right spot it didn’t really feel like anything other than maybe me having to take a huge dump.

  
“God I love you,” he cooed into my ear as he started to hold me tighter and I knew he was close to finishing because he started to slow down he then shoved his tongue into my mouth to muffle his own moans as he came inside me. He laid on top of me for a couple of minutes and I felt completely numb. I wanted him to be done touching me. I wanted him to let me go and I didn’t know how to or was afraid to say it. After a couple of minutes, he kissed my cheek and asked me if I needed to use the bathroom and I took this to mean I could get up if I needed to so I did. My whole body felt oddly sore and numb all at once and I couldn’t feel my legs really even though they were working.

  
I made it into the bathroom and sat in my spot my back up against the bathroom door my knees tucked under my chin again. I wanted it to be over. I felt like I was finished. I knew he wouldn’t let me stay in the bathroom but I also couldn’t stand the thought of being in my bedroom. I felt like I needed an escape and I didn’t have one. I wanted to cry but for some reasons I couldn’t. After what felt like forever there was a light knock on the door behind me which made me jump.

  
“Baby, I’m really sorry you need to come out now,” My Da said leaning against the door trying to force it open behind me.

  
He sighed heavily, “You can’t stay in there forever.”

  
“I know,” I answered him numbly.

  
“Then come back out here baby, please. I am sorry, really I didn’t mean it,” he said.

  
“I just want to take a shower first,” I said standing up and getting ready to turn on the shower. When I moved away from the door it gave him a chance to open it.

  
“Don’t do that baby, you’ll wake someone up, wait until later ok?” he said coming up behind me his arms wrapping around my waist, “Come on lets go to bed huh?” he said kissing the back of my neck.

  
“I don’t feel good I think it would make me feel better. Please,” I asked him.

  
“But I want to smell us while I sleep,” he said resting his chin on the top of my head as he started walking us back towards the bed.

  
“Pat’s spending the night Da, he’s in Will’s room I’m not sure it’s a good idea for you to spend the night,” I said softly.

  
“Maybe if he’s up early enough he’ll walk in and want to join huh?” My Da said one of his hands starting to move south as he moved so he sat down on the bed first me on his lap.

I tensed myself waiting for him to start masturbating me again but he didn’t instead he let his hand hover beside it touching my pelvis and hip as he laid up against me. After a while he started snoring in my ear and I knew he was sleeping but I couldn’t even close my eyes. I was afraid if I fell asleep I would move and wake him up and I couldn’t get comfortable with him pinning me to his body so tightly.

All I could think of was when he finally let me go I was going to get away somehow. I was going to go down to the third floor and throw myself off the balcony before anyone could stop me or I was going to tie something around my neck and make sure all the life was gone before anyone found me. I was going to get out because that was the only way out that I saw.

  
At some point when it was still dark out I heard movement in the hallway and I prayed no one was going to come in but sure enough the knob started turning which made me twitch. This woke up my Da a little his hand moving to finally touch my penis which caused me to inhale sharply out of surprise gasping and he put his hand over my mouth.

  
Pat stuck his head in his eyes opening wide in surprise as he completely froze.

  
“Hi Patrick,” My Da whispered, “How are you?”

  
“I-I’m ok,” Pat answered back in a nervous whisper, “You?”

  
“I’m good,” he said, “We had a bit of a fight last night so we decided to kiss and make up,” he said explaining the reason he was in bed with me.

  
“I see,” Pat said quietly his eyes locking with mine for a second and then Pat glanced away quickly, “Why are you covering his mouth?”

  
“Oh,” My Da sighed moving his hand, “I wasn’t sure who it was and I didn’t want him to scream, wake anyone up.”

  
Pat squared his shoulders like he was trying to build his courage and then cleared his throat lightly, “Can I talk to him alone for a second?” he asked my Da not really looking at me but staring him straight in the eyes waiting for an answer.

  
“No,” My Da said, “he needs his rest. You can come join us for some fun if you like though,” My Da said.

  
“Isn’t the bed a little small for that?” Pat asked.

  
“Well, John did say he wanted to take a shower earlier. It might help him fall asleep, relax because he’s been very tense tonight,” My Da said.

  
I could tell by looking at Pat’s face that he wanted to say no but that he was afraid to. Just like I was afraid. I didn’t know what my Da would do if Pat said no probably tell Hank and then Pat would get the shit beat out of him because, you aren’t allowed to say no to a level five handler.

  
“Ok,” Pat said slowly, quietly.

  
“Ok, come on baby,” My Da said letting me go putting a hand on my shoulder using me to support himself so he could stand up and then he offered me a hand which I did take because I didn’t want to piss him off even though I didn’t want him to touch me.

After I was up on my feet me pushed me forward and I lost my balance slightly falling into Pat who caught me.

  
“You ok?” He asked me and I just looked at him. I didn’t dare say a single word in case my Da heard as he walked into the bathroom and started the shower water. Once the water was on I took a minute to say something.

  
“I don’t want to do this,” I said hurriedly and Pat hugged me tightly around the shoulders so he could whisper in my ear.

  
“Just pretend he’s not there, that it’s just you and me ok?” he said trying to calm me down.

  
I wasn’t sure I could but having Pat touch me, spreading the warmth back into my skin helped me relax slightly. I really didn’t want to do this. This was someone I liked someone that made me feel good and my Da was about to force us to do things we weren’t ready for or didn’t want to do especially with him involved. That was the big punch in the stomach that I remember thinking of how he was going to be there and see that. After a minute Pat and I walked into the bathroom just before Da was about to call us in.

  
“Are you clean Pat?” My Da asked and I remember being confused about that question but Pat seemed to know what my Da meant.

  
“Yes, my last test came back like 2 weeks ago. My Dad makes me get tested every couple of months even though they always use protection,” Pat replied.

  
“ Have you ever bare backed with anyone but your Dad?” He asked Pat and I could see Pat’s face turning red by his ear even though I was standing behind him. I was still so fucking confused I feel stupid just thinking about how I didn’t know what that meant but I had never heard the slang term before.

  
“No,” Pat answered quietly almost too quiet to hear over the water.

  
“Well, I don’t have condoms up here,” Da said and that’s when it hit me what he was talking about and I started feeling sick to my stomach. He was talking about having sex without condoms which was something only Da and I did everyone else always used a condom. I wasn’t sure exactly what was going on only that we were going to have a three some of some kind and I was probably going to be in the middle of it whatever it was.

  
“Ok,” Pat answered not really moving towards my Da but not moving back any steps either.

  
“Come here baby,” My Da motioning for me to come forward and I didn’t know what else to do so I did and he pulled me into the water and got down on his knees in front of me and I tensed up because I figured what he was going to do and then he motioned for Pat to come into the shower too and he obeyed.

  
“Ok Pat, if you would,” My Da made an obscene hand gesture asking Pat to penetrate me and I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. This was not how I wanted to do this.

  
“Huh,” Pat said looking at me Da wanting to say something but not daring to but I think my Da got the message because he grabbed Pat and started rubbing his Dick causing Pat to get a weird look on his face that would have been hilarious if it had been another situation. He rubbed Pat until Pat was hard and then Pat moved behind me and hugged me around the chest resting his head on my shoulder and kissing the back of my neck.

  
I flinched this wasn’t what I wanted and then I realized Pat wasn’t trying to force himself on me, “I won’t if you don’t want me to,” he whispered in my ear as he kissed my neck and continued to message my shoulders as my Da took my dick in his mouth making my body jump on reflex.

  
I turned so my mouth was near his ear so my Da wouldn’t hear us whispering, “I don’t want to feel him,” I pleaded with Pat hoping that maybe if Pat did things too I wouldn’t be able to feel what my Da was doing.

  
“Ok,” Pat whispered back, “Nice and slow ok?” He said and I nodded spreading my legs slightly and leaning forward and Pat slide inside of me causing me to gasp and brace myself against the wall. Pat made sure he leaned forward so that he could whisper into my ear, “I won’t move if you don’t want me to.” He whispered as what my Da was doing caused my breath to catch and I felt the tears starting to come.

  
“Anything just I don’t want to feel this,” I said and as the ice started to fill my body.

  
“Ok, it’s just you and me, he’s not here pretend he’s not here,” Pat said and I started shaking my head.

  
“I can’t” I hissed grabbing the top of one of Pat’s hands tightly.

  
“Ok, you’re not alone I’m right here,” Pat said and then he did something I never expected something that actually helped me he leaned all of his body weight on my back and started whispering slow and uncertain at first but then the lyrics flowed steady from his mouth as if coming from somewhere deep inside him. They helped me breath helped me find a way to deal with how much I hated myself “On a dark desert highway cool wind in my hair…” and he whispered the whole song into my ear as my Da blew me and he laid across my back inside me but not really having sex with me making sure he rubbed my shoulders and chest slowly and calmly in order to give my body something else to focus on other then what my Da was doing.

  
This amazingly helped me get past the feeling of hot ice in my veins and how much I hated myself and my body. Who knew a song could make you feel ok about everything when nothing was right. For? For the first time ever I didn’t feel like I was this horrible person while it was happening, I didn’t feel gross I knew I was being used yes but I didn’t feel like I was letting it happen for once, just that it was happening. My breath stayed even and while I felt far away the words gave my mind something to focus on, grab onto and escape with and I felt like I was going to be ok when it was over for once.

  
When I had climaxed and my Da had let me go Pat pulled out and we didn’t look at each other pretending we had actually done what he wanted and we were too ashamed to look at each other when really I wanted to hug Pat so badly, to press my lips against his because he had kept his promise ,he made sure I didn’t feel alone for once. My Da got up off his knees and kissed me on the cheek then washed himself.

  
“I should probably go downstairs,” My Da said looking at us, “We’ll have to do this again, this was fun.” He said getting out and grabbing a towel drying himself off and then shutting the bathroom door.

  
“Oh my fucking god!” Pat exclaimed.

  
“Yeah,” I agreed.

  
“I can’t believe he actually didn’t notice that I wasn’t being active,” Pat said, “My Dad would have noticed and we would have been fucking dead.” Pat nearly laughed hugging me tightly.

  
“Are you ok?” he asked me kissing my cheek replacing my Da’s cold kiss with his warm one.

  
“I think so,” I said, “I feel weird.” I said.

  
“Weird how Rabbit? Did I..” he started.

  
“No, no you really helped actually that’s why it feels so weird. After you started singing I…it’s hard to explain. I didn’t have to feel it, I didn’t really feel it even though I obviously gave him what he wanted.” I said.

  
“ So I helped?” He asked me.

  
“Yes, oh god you helped so much,” I said hugging him back tightly, “Thank you.”

  
“You’re welcome,” he said and I found myself looking closely at him.

  
The look on his face relieved that he hadn’t hurt me and I grabbed him by the neck and kissed him aggressively my tongue slipping into his mouth and he accepted it pushing back against my body sandwiching me between his body and the wall as we kissed hot and heavy his hands traveling up and down my sides, my hips, my waist, my rib cage, neck and shoulders, touching me all over taking any places my Da had touched and covering them in warmth and love and affection. Not like how my Da’s hands felt. Pat’s touches were gentle and calm, wanted and warm. My Da’s touches while I thought they were love at one time but a bad love they weren’t. They were lust, they were cold, and rough, aggressive and painful and I think Pat was the person who helped me see that. Really see that my Da didn’t really love me at all ever.

  
Pat started kissing his way down my neck and collar bone into my lower rib cage before I redirected his kisses pulling his lips back to mine. I knew what he was doing but it was too fast, too soon. And he smiled at me pressing his forehead to mine.

  
“You ok?” He whispered as I felt the air move against my face.

  
“Yeah,” I nodded my head, “Thank you I’m just…”

  
“I get it,” Pat said quietly, “I understand. Don’t worry about it. I’m sorry I scared you.”

  
“You haven’t scared me,” I sighed, “You feel nice just…you know. I’m not ready.”

  
“There is nothing wrong with that. Never anything you don’t want,” Pat assured me nodding his head hugging me tightly.

  
“You would tell me if you weren’t ok right?” Pat whispered tickling my ear.

  
I smiled in response and nodded my head taking the wash cloth and washing his chest. We washed each other off and then got out of the shower and pulled the blankets onto the floor and fell asleep entangled in each other.

  
I don’t remember much about the day after only that we woke up early and ate and went to the park. I also remember we made a couple phone calls from the party store down the street to Cole who had made it home the night before thanks to Vic and Flynn. I remember spending a lot of time out in the sun and walking deep into the woods near the park over to the lake. I remember swimming in our underwear and wondering home smelling of cigarettes and Vodka sunburned as the sun was falling from the sky. I remember it being a good day most of the details blurry but the feeling of it sticking to my bones like a memory just out of reach.

  
That night was the last night before I started school and went to get my arm x-rayed and checked on. When I walked into the house everyone was actually downstairs for once watching TV in the downstairs living room being loud and stupid.  
“JOHN!” My mum shouted looking at me, “What on earth? Did you go swimming it’s too cold for that!” she scolded me.

  
“I was having fun mum,” I sighed.

  
“Oh sweet love,” she sighed, “Go to the laundry room and strip off those wet clothes before you catch your death please?” she asked me looking at my still soggy clothes dripping on the wood floor of the living room.

  
“Mum did you talk to Da yet?” I asked her wondering if she actually knew my Uncle had been around because I felt like if she had not everyone would be downstairs.

  
“Come on,” she walked with me down the hallway to the laundry room, “I did,” she answered my question as she shut the laundry room door.

  
“Did he tell you about Ben?” I asked her.

  
“He did yes,” she sighed, “I agreed because we’re leaving in the end of February,” she answered.

  
“So he’s going to be here then?” I asked her and she nodded her head.

  
“Mum, he can’t,” I said.

  
“I know he’s bad John I get it but…” I cut her off.

  
“No buts mum he’s really bad he gives me a really bad feeling he shouldn’t be here,” I said.

  
“John, I’ll take care of it we’re downstairs for now because I don’t want Da to think anything is wrong but after today the only time any of you are going to be downstairs is when you’re leaving the house for school or coming home and that’s it, especially without Karen around,” She said.

  
“And yet you think it’s safe for me to take my clothes off down here?” I asked her as she threw a dry shirt at me.

  
“Only because you have clothes you can put on down here otherwise I would be making you go upstairs trust me, I’m well aware of your uncle and the things he does,” She said.

  
“ Mum can I tell you something?” I asked her.

  
“Yes love you can tell me anything,” she answered.

  
“Da scares me more than Ben,” I said slowly. I didn’t even know where I found the courage to say it but since the night before I had felt good, empowered maybe even happy.

  
“Oh love, I know and we’re getting out we have a plan set in place now ok?” She said softly.

  
“Do you know he spends the night with me sometimes?” I asked her meekly.

  
“Who?” she asked confused.

  
“Da,” I said and I felt numb all of the sudden.

  
She sighed, “No, I didn’t know that. I knew he wasn’t in bed but figured he had just gone to a guest room. How is he getting upstairs?” she asked me.

  
“There’s a stairway, in the pantry hidden behind the shelves,” I confessed.

  
“Why didn’t you tell me this before?” She asked me as I peeled off my shorts and underwear and she tossed me a clean item of each in return.

  
“I—I don’t know mum,” I answered, “He scares me. The way he talks, everything about Da scares me.”

  
“I’m sorry,” she said smiling sadly and I could sense that she wanted to cry but, I knew she wouldn’t. She wouldn’t cry because she had to be strong for me because without her strength she knew I would falter. She could sense I was starting to open up and that if she showed she couldn’t handle me being honest I would shut down again tighter then I had before and those doors would never open again.

  
“He’s going to be mad I told you,” I said meaning that he would upset he wouldn’t have access to the upper floor anymore.

  
“How will he know you said something?” She asked me, “It could be anyone of you that told me.”

  
“No, it would have to be Will or I,” I said, “he’s not stupid enough to let everyone know it’s there. Da’s not stupid mum he’s smart.”

  
Mum snorted and rolled her eyes, “I realize. Life would be easier if he wasn’t smart why do you think I have to hide everything from him, from you even?” she gestured at me, “He knows exactly the right buttons to push to make you tell him anything he wants to know.”

  
“I don’t tell him a lot of things,” I sighed, “I’m not his pet.”

  
“Oh love that’s not what I meant, I meant he knows you are afraid of him and he uses that fact to his advantage.” She clarified herself. She walked over the one of the closets and pulled out a dry cleaners bag handing it to me, “Take this upstairs,” she said.

  
“What is it?” I asked.

  
“It’s your uniform for school tomorrow,” I had it dry cleaned and you finally get to wear it. If it’s a little tight let me know and we’ll have it tailored Friday afternoon so we can pick it up Monday afternoon and you’ll have it next week.”

 

I wasn’t sure I was prepaid to go to St. Mathews. Not after everything I had heard. I thought school would be a chance for escape at first but after everything I heard and knowing that the brotherhood was very heavily involved in the school it didn’t seem like an escape at all but more like another trap that I had to watch out for and make sure I didn’t get caught in.

  
“Ok,” I answered taking the bag from my mum, “How many are in here?” I asked her figuring there was more then one because I had school five days a week.

  
“Five, one for each day with one blazer. I think you’ll enjoy being back however I’m afraid you might have a lot of work to catch up on so you have to let me know ok? I don’t want you falling behind, we’ll hire you a tutor if we have to,” She said.

  
“Cool you’re taking me for my x-rays right?” I asked her.

  
“No, Da has to I don’t have the time with the babies and I’m interviewing for another Nanny because Karen quit,” she sighed and saw the wide-eyed look on my face.

  
“Honey he won’t try anything, he promised me he’d give you a break if I let your uncle stay and you’ll be in a public place,” She said trying to calm me.

  
“A doctors office is not a public place mum,” I said.

  
“You’re seeing Dr. Palmer so I doubt he would do anything like that,” She sighed, “And he promised.”

  
“I don’t care what he promised you mum,” I said, “ I don’t feel safe with him.” I insisted.

  
“I know it’s not ideal but he promised and we’re almost out of here. Just do it please because I can’t leave the babies with him especially with your uncle Ben in the house. Please let him take you for me,” She pleaded with me.

  
“It’s not a good idea mum,” I said again.

  
“You remember what your uncle Ben did to you when you were little,” She said her eyes desperate, “I can’t leave them here alone with the babies and I can’t take everyone with me. I’ll make it up to you. At least you can make sure he understands you’re saying no.”

  
“Fine fucking whatever,” I said storming out of the laundry room and up the kitchen stairs. I didn’t want to deal with this. This wasn’t fair. Why did she expect me to be ok when she knew what was going on? None of this was fair. I felt sick to my stomach and then I closed my eyes and thought of Pat and Cole and I started to calm down. I felt like I was going to be ok as long as I had them at least until I could get out. When I got up to our floor the elevator was called back down and I figured mum was probably getting everyone upstairs so I booked it to my room. I didn’t want to have to deal with her. Will was right my mum didn’t care about how I was doing as long as I kept Da away from everyone else everything was fine. I went to my room and didn’t eat that night, I drank myself to sleep. If my Da did come and sleep with me that night I don’t remember it, I don’t really remember anything besides maybe getting up to pee at some point and waking up with a horrible headache.

  
My mum knocked on my door making my head feel like it was the wood her fist was pounding against a few short seconds before my alarm blared causing me to moan in pain. It wasn’t the worst head ache I have ever had but, it was still horrible to deal with. I sighed sitting up in bed stretching. when my mum knocked on my door again.

  
“John honey you have to get up and ready for school,” she said through the door and I rubbed the sleep from my eyes.

  
“I’m getting,” I moaned sleepily making sure I drank a lot of vodka before I stepped in the shower, enough to stave off my headache and hangover and then I barely managed to be ready before it was time to leave. I remember feeling weird to have so many layers on. Khaki was also not my colour. The navy blue didn’t look too horrible though even though I also hated the tartan green and blue tie that I had to wear.

  
“You look so handsome,” Mum said as she handed my bookbag and some money for lunch, “Make sure everyone gets on the bus? She asked me and I looked over to my younger siblings where Will was helping fix ties and making sure Catty was good to go with her cardigan buttoned the way it should be.

  
“Yeah,” I sighed, “I’ve got it. Don’t you usually drive us?” I asked her.

  
“Yes, I will again after we find a new nanny but for now it’s the bus,” She sighed, “Be good yeah?” she asked me and I allowed her to give me a hug and kiss on the cheek before we headed down to stand in front of the house waiting for the bus.

  
When everyone else was on I hopped on last and it seemed like every head snapped up and looked at me a sea of navy blue. I felt awkward. I knew the story I was supposed to tell if anyone asked why this was my first day of school and I hadn’t started with my siblings I was supposed to have had mono. I saw a raised arm in the air to get my attention, noticing that it was Dom. I sighed with relief as I climbed to the back of the bus and took my seat.

  
“Hey,” he said, “You look glum.”

  
“ I don’t feel ready for this,” I said rolling my eyes slightly.

  
“You’ll be all right just keep your head down you should be fine,” he said.

  
“ Fucking ginger,” I heard someone snort from in front of us and I turned my head to see some hulk of a boy staring at us. His blue eyes looking at me as if I were muck on the bottom of his shoe his slightly hooked nose wrinkled in disgust. He had brown hair that somehow managed to make his face look even more grotesque then was necessary.

  
“Dick,” Dom replied.

  
“It’s Rich asshole,” The boy commented.

  
“John this is Dick,” Dom said announcing the name just to piss this guy off.

  
“ I’m John,” I said introducing myself.

  
“I can’t believe you actually want to hang out with the metro and his lover,” Rich scoffed.

  
“They’re my friends,” I said, “Why is that an issue for you?” I asked him.

  
“Not if you’re a fag,” he commented.

  
“I am not thanks,” I replied.

  
“Good luck getting people to believe that lie,” he said and turned around in his seat.

  
“Is he…?” I started to ask and Dom shook his head vigorously and put his finger to his lips meaning I needed to shut it about the topic. I nodded my head so he could tell I understood what he meant.

  
The ride was actually a short one. When we got to the building I was impressed because it looked old and had a bell tower that probably was the chapel room. The old brick looked like it had been standing for centuries and would continue to do so well after we were all dead and buried in the graveyard we had passed on the way there. Dom and I were some of the last people to get off the bus and when we finally got off Cole and Pat were standing on the side walk in their uniforms looking antsy.

  
“Did you bring them?” Dom asked Pat his eyes wide.

  
“Duh,” Pat said and threw his shoulder over my arm, “Come on let’s go.” He said leading the way behind some tall bushes around the side of the building where he pulled out the cigarettes and handed us each one tossing the lighter at Dom.

  
“Hey Cole,” I said and waved sheepishly.

  
“You finally escaped?” He said lighting his and then passing the lighter back to Pat, “Good to see.”

  
“Yeah, finally,” I sighed as Pat handed me the lighter, “ My mum got home and don’t know I guess things have gotten better?” I said but it sounded more like a question then an answer or statement.

  
“Do you have your class schedule?” Dom asked me as I reached into my bag and fished it out of a front pocket. Before I could actually look at it Cole grabbed it from my hands and started reading the list.

  
“Fr. Dunbee, he’s all right. Fr. Barren for Math he’s so-so usually into older guys usually from what I’ve heard, Fr. Finnick for Science I would be very careful there, Fr. McClairen for history, fuck man you’re screwed,” he said as Dom grabbed the list to look it over.

  
“You have all the same classes I do,” he commented, “Like all the same classes. We’ll have gym in the spring.”

  
“What classes do you have Pat?” I asked curious.

  
“I have McClairen first thank god he’s usually not in the mood to be bothered first things we watch a lot of history channel shit and then Fr. Finnick who I’m lucky leaves me alone and then lunch and then I have Dunbee and he’s like a whatever but I usually end with Fr. Barren and he hasn’t shown interest yet but he keeps giving me really intense looks lately and keeps telling me if I need extra help I can come to him, like I ever would.” Pat snorted.

  
Just then we heard someone coming around the corner and Pat swore under his breath getting ready to put his smoke out under his foot before the person appeared and then they shouted.

  
“What are you little shits doing back here in our spot?” and Pat smiled.

  
“Jesus fucking Christ Hunter you scared the shit out of us!” He said and everyone else nodded their heads in agreement as a young blond guy who looked more like a young adult then a kid came around the bushes followed by two other guys.

  
“Well, it is our spot,” Hunter said pulling out a flask and another guy pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket, “Who’s the new kid?” he asked referring to me.

  
“John, Ben McGregor’s nephew,” he said mentioning my Uncle so he would understand who I was.

  
“Oh shit, you need this,” he said handing me the flask and I nodded my head and took a drink.

  
“So what we get pissed back here before school?” I asked and one of the other guys laughed.

  
“Depends on your poison,” he said, “I’m Christian, that’s Kristoff,” he added nodding his head at the other kid with him and Hunter lighting his cigarette.

  
“You guys are all in?” I asked and they all laughed.

  
“Damn straight,” Hunter said taking the flask back from me and taking a deep drink.

  
“How many of us go to this school?” I asked.

  
“Well,” Dom said squinting and using his fingers to count, “Atl east 12 we don’t all get along though I mean Chad goes here you know that right?” he asked and I nodded my head.

  
“Yeah stay away from him,” Christian said.

  
“Oh he’s an untouchable,” Pat said looking at me.

  
“Really? I thought you guys were like unicorns. Always talked about but not really in existence,” Hunter said looking at me, “Should still stay away from him though he’s an asshole.”

  
“Yeah I’ve met him,” I said remembering the fight that I had almost gotten into with Chad.

  
The bell sounded from somewhere and everyone stomped their cigarettes underfoot. I wasn’t sure school would be so awesome after all but at least I was out of the house and away from my Da for now. I felt nervous however, twitchy like I had too much Caffeine in my system even though I hadn’t had any at all.

  
“You can follow me,” Dom said as the crowd started to disperse and head into the building.

  
“Just give us a second?” Pat asked Dom and Dom shrugged his shoulders continuing through the bushes leaving Pat and I standing alone in the enclosure.

“Are you going to be ok?” Pat asked me quietly touching my cheek gently and I reached up and grabbed the back of his hand softly in reply and nodded my head.

  
“I’m sure I’ll be fine,” I said.

  
“You look like something’s wrong though,” he said watching my face closely.

  
“It’s nothing Pat, I’m ok really,” I said not wanting to think about later when my Da was supposed to come and get me to take me to my doctor’s appointment after school.

  
“Ok, I’m here if you need me. We have the same lunch so I’ll see you then?” he said moving his hand away.

  
“Yeah, thanks,” I replied quietly and we started out of the bushes where Dom was waiting and he smiled at us.

  
“What?” Pat asked him.

  
“Yeah, you’re straight all right,” Dom said into his hand and Pat gave him a look, “Just saying…”

  
“Well, don’t,” Pat said walking away in front of us.

  
“So…,” Dom said his Auburn eyebrows disappearing under his fringe, “Are you two…?”

  
“I’m not sure what you mean,” I said playing half dumb.

  
“Oh come on!” Dom exclaimed, “It’s not a huge deal, I just like the gossip.” He said.

  
“Not really?” I said but it sounded more like a question and Dom clapped his hand over his mouth to keep from laughing.

  
“Don’t tell him I said anything,” I warned.

  
“Don’t worry, If it got out your names would end up in the bowl and no one wants that,” Dom said, “So I won’t say anything to anyone even him.” He assured me.

  
“Are you straight?” I asked Dom.

  
“Well,” Dom sighed as we approached the front doors, “Can any of us really be straight? I mean if you really think about it? I prefer to think I’m fluid but lean more towards girls.” He shrugged his shoulders.

  
“Cool,” I said and shrugged my shoulders as we walked through the door and down the hall towards our first class.

  
When we got to the class this old gray haired man greeted me, “New pupil? Hello, it’s nice to meet you young man and what’s your name?”

  
“John McGregor sir,” I answered politely.

  
“ I’m Father Dunbee, I teach English and American Lit. I expect you to stay awake for my class and behave. I don’t like people talking without raising their hands so keep any chatter out of the room after the bell rings. You will be called on to read out loud I don’t allow skipping we go around the room and read that way. I don’t know what type of schools you’ve been at before but we do classics here and none of that Lowry or Lee crap. We do Twain, Shakespeare and Hemingway, if you can’t keep up I will be having a parent teacher conference with your parents and you will dropped from the class and attending summer school you understand?” He wheezed at me peering down his glasses.

  
“Yes sir, I went to Abington until I was twelve sir so I don’t think keeping up will be a problem,” I replied.

  
“Ah so that’s the slight accent?” He commented.

  
“Yes sir,” I replied.

  
“Good well take a seat in front of Mr. Wellington,” he gestured to the seat in front of a dark haired boy at the front of the class.

  
“Ok gentle men I hope everyone had a good break but I expect to get back to business. I left you with no over the break reading so today we’re going to be starting a new semester on Twain. I will pass books out, take your book and pass the rest down the row, we will be reading as we always do from the left of the room to the right first row starts and then second row and so on. No passing notes, none of this cell phone business so if you have one turn it off please. Starting now,” he said and the boy in the front left row began reading.

  
This was how the whole class went and I was actually surprised that everyone was a good reader and managed to stay awake because everyone read in a droll monotone voice however we all managed to get through the reading without anyone falling asleep and once the bell rang to signal the end of class Dom came up to my seat.

  
“So what do you think?” He asked me yawning.

  
“Seems normal,” I shrugged my shoulders, “boring but normal.”

  
“Yeah Fr. Dunbee is old school that’s for sure you should get on with him fine as long as you can stay awake,” Dom mentioned.

  
“That is what he told me, so he’s not…” I asked and Dom shook his head.

  
“Nope, he’s just your average priest, nothing bad about him.” Dom said, “ I wouldn’t fall asleep in Math either though, Fr. Barren is tough on people who fall asleep.”

  
“That’s where we’re going now?” I asked.

  
“Yep, follow me,” Dom said and we walked down a long hall and took a left into another hallway. To our next class.


	19. 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is taken to a doctors appointment after going to lunch with his father, where his Da introduces him to his friend. He then meets the rest of his teachers and learns more about their personalities and what he can expect from school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is around 440 so still a while to go here but thank you for sticking around. This poor kid is losing his mind huh? Because that's exactly what he is is a kid. Again don't condone this and think it's horrible that people have to suffer through this. Warnings for this chapter: RAPE/Non-con, THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE, talk of puberty, swearing, homophobia, underage kissing, priest abuse, underage drinking, underage smoking, self esteem issues, mental health issues.

This hallway seemed wider and more open than the last and I figured it was probably the main hallway of the school and then we took a right into another long and narrow hall that looked similar to the first hallway we had been in. The second door to the left Dom stopped in front of.

  
“Don’t we need to grab books or something?” I asked confused.

  
“Not really they keep the books in the classroom, so many students so few books,” he said, “We get 10 minutes to get from class to class so we don’t need to be in a hurry we’re just lucky that these two rooms aren’t too far away from each other, or unlucky depending on the day,” Dom said as more kids started to line up behind us.

  
“Shouldn’t we go in?” I asked Dom.

  
“He’ll call you if you wants you in before the bell rings otherwise you’ll want to stay out of the classroom until then, trust me,” Dom said, “ Fr. Barren is…” and Dom moved his hand from side to side like it was a boat rocking and I nodded my head in response, “And he’s like that with just about everyone he seems to be more into older guys though but to be honest we’re almost there so just try and not be alone with him if you can help it. However, if you don’t come when he wants to talk to you you’ll have to deal with the headmaster and that’s someone you don’t want to deal with ever trust me.” Dom said yawning again.

  
Just then a short fat man popped his head out of the room and looked around at the faces gathering to the left side of the door and he glanced up and down the row and then his eyes landed on me, “New student?” he asked and I nodded my head, “Well, come in, come in,” he said waving me into the room and I shot Dom and nervous glance who just shrugged his shoulders at me as if to wish me good luck.

  
“John McGregor, right?” Fr. Barren asked me looking me up and down.

  
“Yes sir,” I answered and I could feel my skin starting to break out into goose bumps.

  
“You’re from overseas yes?” He asked me looking at a clip board in his hand.

  
“Yes sir,” I replied again.

  
“I’ve heard things about you,” he said glancing down wards which caused me to feel very uncomfortable and rake my hand through my hair, “I suppose your math skills are good so please no misbehaving. If you need tutoring or help I have no problem with you staying late but I’ll let you know and we’ll set up a time.” He said, “either way nice to meet you,” he added offering his right hand. I didn’t know what else to do so I took it and shook it and he held it for a little longer then made me comfortable.  
When the bell rang, I took a seat next to Dom and we were made to copy a problem from the board and go over solving different equations for the rest of the class. I was personally glad that Dom had chosen a seat near the back of the class because every time I glanced up Fr. Barren was looking at me and he quickly glanced away. At some point Dom moved his desk closer to mine so we could do partner work.

  
“Why does he keep looking at me? He’s freaking me out,” I whispered quietly.

  
“ignore it,” Dom said in a sing song way through clenched teeth looking at me seriously and nodding his head, “Now can you help me solve for x?” he asked pointing to the page we were supposed to be graphing.

  
“Kind of hard,” I said through gritted teeth as I looked up and saw Fr. Barren looking at me again.

  
“You’re never going to get anything done if you don’t ignore it,” Dom said again nudging me with his shoulder, “Now seriously help me solve for x.”

  
After a few minutes, I actually managed to pull my attention away from the sick feeling in my stomach and do a couple of math problems which pleased Dom because apparently, I was very good at it and after that he made me solve for just about every problem and explain the answer to him. This was actually a very good distraction until the phone rang disturbing the class.

  
Fr. Barren got up and answered the phone, “Really already but, this is his first day,” he said into the phone and everyone turned to look at me, “Yes, all right.” He sighed and then hung up the phone.

  
“Mr. McGregor your father is apparently here to pick you up for an appointment you have.” He said turning to look at me.

  
“I thought that wasn’t until later,” I said.

  
“Don’t ask me I just got the message to pass it along so gather your stuff and head off to the office,” he said so I did as I was told and he caught me at the door stopping me for a moment by grabbing my forearm lightly, “If you need help catching up on what you miss let me know and we’ll set aside some time.” He said smiling at me.

  
“Thank you sir,” I said shrugging him off and leaving.

  
It was actually hard finding the office on my own but somehow after a couple of wrong turns I managed to pretty well. When I got there my Da was standing in the office talking happily with some other parent someone’s mom. When he saw me through the giant glass windows he excused himself and came out into the hall way.

  
“Ready to go?” he asked me.

  
“I thought my appointment wasn’t until after school?” I asked nervously.

  
“I thought we could…,” he paused looking around to make sure no one was really listening, “grab some lunch and spent some time together.” He finished.

  
“It’s my first day Da,” I said almost pleading.

  
“I know but, how often do you and I get out of the house together huh?” He asked me wrapping an arm around my shoulders making me tense against his touch, “Come on let’s go.” He said in a bigger hurry all of the sudden which made me that much more anxious.

  
“Da I was supposed to eat lunch at school with Pat and Cole,” I said confused.

  
“Well, you’re going to eat lunch with me instead,” he said walking us over to the car and opening the passenger side door for me.

  
“We’re not going to Tony’s place, are we?” I asked just the thought making me sick to my stomach.

  
“Relax we’re eating in the buffet room today,” he said shutting the door and then coming around to the driver’s side and getting in.

  
I knew this wasn’t good but I didn’t know just how bad it was. He had told me I didn’t have to see Hank for a while and I figured that if I didn’t see Hank and he started to leave me alone a little bit I would be ok but this was about to prove me wrong in a very serious way. I tried to make my body as flesh with the car door as possible because I knew the moment he had a chance to he would probably grope me and that was something I didn’t want to deal with. Not today. Today was supposed to be my first full day back at school. Today was supposed to be easier.

  
As soon as we got to a stop light he started talking, “You’ll be fine, this is the last time you need to be with anyone for a while I swear. The buffet room is different than the open area it’s better trust me,” he said as if he were trying to reassure himself as well as me he then glanced at me and then the back seat which caused me to look in the rearview mirror and notice the whole back seat was down so from behind the front seats to the back hatch was one flat surface and there was a pillow and blanket back there.

  
My breath caught in my chest. Was he going to rape me in the car? I could feel myself getting more and more nervous as we passed lights wondering which light was going to finally be the one where he touched me and sent me into a visible panic because on the inside I was already panicking.

  
“You look really good in your school uniform you know?” He said and I felt his hand reach out and graze the side of my leg making me jump a little.

  
“John, relax ok?” he said softly as if he were trying to keep me calm.

  
“I don’t want to do this,” I said in a hushed voice back.

  
“What exactly do you think we’re going to do?” He asked me curious and then he looked in the rearview mirror at the back seat, “Ah you know you are a bit of an exhibitionist don’t be shy about it. That’s not for me anyway,” he said, “I wouldn’t mind stopping at the park and giving it some use though.” He said winking at me and hitting the turn signal so he could turn at the light into the park’s parking lot.

  
I felt that cold icy feeling spread over my body. I didn’t know what to do but I knew I didn’t want this and this was pushing things way too far. I wasn’t going to let him do something like that with me where someone else might see, that was nuts. I mean it was nuts when he did it in my own bedroom but imagining someone else seeing it was beyond what I could handle. He pulled the car into the parking space farthest from the road and I didn’t even wait for him to put the car in park before I opened my car door and jumped out running. I didn’t know exactly where I was planning to go but I didn’t want him to touch me like that. I didn’t want to do that in the car where someone might see and thinking about it was making bile climb up my throat. I ran into the more wooded area of the park and when I thought I was probably a good distance away to stop for a couple of minutes I leaned over and threw up all over a bunch of falling leaves under a huge tree that seemed to stretch out and touch the other trees around it.

  
“JOHN! THIS ISN’T FUNNY GET BACK HERE!” I heard him shouting in the distance. He sounded winded so I didn’t think he’d be able to catch up to me that fast but as I went to take off at a run again he caught sight of me and all it took was tripping over one root and I went down and before I could get back to my feet he was standing over me.

  
He grabbed the back of my dress shirt and pulled me to my feet slamming me face-first hard into the trunk of a tree and I felt the bark rip my nose slightly he hit me against it with such force as well as the palms of my hands.

  
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?!” He hissed at me using the heel of his hand to press me as hard against the tree as he could while he leaned his body weight against my back and I felt his whole body pressing into mine.

  
“I’m sorry, ok I don’t want to do that in the car,” I pleaded as he loosened his grip and flipped me around so we were stomach and stomach and he leaned back against me so I couldn’t move.

  
“You can do it in the car or right here, your choice,” he said smiling evilly at me.

  
“Please,” I asked calmly.

  
“Make a choice or it’s right here,” he said as I felt his hands sliding down my sides and starting to pull my shirt out where it was tucked in.

“NO!” I said trying to pull my shirt back down and he grabbed both of my hands and forced them up above my head squeezing my wrists hard.

  
“Don’t tell me what to do, make a choice or I’ll make it for you,” He hissed, “you have until the count of three, 1…2…” I stopped him  
“OK OK THE CAR!” I said loudly.

  
“Good choice, I have stuff in the car that I wasn’t willing to go back to get,” He said not letting go my wrists to give me a chance to run.

  
I walked with him back to the car knowing that if I tried to fight him I would be hurt even worse because my ankle was already throbbing like I had possibly sprained it and my hands were banged up. I remember trying to blank out but the pain in my leg not letting me. He got me back to the car and opened the hatch.

  
“In,” he commanded simply and when I wouldn’t climb in he picked me up and almost threw me into the back of the SUV and slammed the hatch shut. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. He was actually going to do this was all I could think. I can’t let him do this, my brain kept repeating over and over as he came around and opened one of the SUV’s back doors and climbed in that way.

  
“I don’t want to bang you up any more people don’t pay me to see you beaten and bruised,” he said looking at me as he climbed into the back next to me, “I didn’t mean to hurt you but, you can’t run like that you understand me?”

  
I nodded my head afraid of what speaking might cause him to do. I knew what he was going to ask me next so I went and moved to take off my blazer my whole body shaking as I shrugged it from my shoulders and I could feel myself starting to cry.  
“Relax,” he said touching my face gently, “You look so scared you need to just relax,” he said kissing me as I reached to undo my tie and couldn’t find the knot because I was shaking so badly.

  
“Da, please not here,” I begged him quietly as he looked at me.

  
I don’t know if he felt bad for me or if he was just offering me mercy because he knew what he had planned next but he stopped and gave me a little bit of space looking at me intently, “Fine,” he sighed aggressively, “But you owe me.”

  
I nodded my head and almost felt relieved, “Thank you,” I said and I could feel myself calming down as I quit fumbling to find the knot in my tie so I could undo it.

  
“Ride back here to Tony’s place,” he said and got up and opened the back door of the SVU straightening out his clothes as he got out and then climbed back into the driver’s seat and put the car in reverse and then in drive pulling away from the park.  
I knew that going to Tony’s place wasn’t the best situation but I was hoping that maybe he would be less hands on because there would be other people around even if they were perverts that were on “dates” with kids. Sitting back, I convinced myself that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad once we got there, that maybe I could get away with just some food in my stomach and little bit of above the clothes grabbing and by the time we got to Tony’s place I was more relaxed and less jumpy.

  
When we parked, I opened the back door and let myself out and he got out of the driver’s side and grabbed my elbow lightly to lead me inside. When we got inside to find the same waitress that was there the last time I was there and my Da said something to her that I can’t recall and she lead us down the back hallway but instead of going through the double doors at the end of the hall we turned and went into a room on the left which looked like a little waiting room. On the wall to the right of the door was what looked like little lockers and a sign posted next to it that had the same thing written in several languages that read “No shirts or pants beyond this point.” And I looked over to my Da who had undone his pants and was unbuttoning his shirt.

  
“Well come on,” he said to me.

  
“Da…” I started to say.

  
“John really not now, just do it,” he said, “This isn’t the time to be shy.”

  
I swallowed and I followed suit. I wasn’t sure what was going on but I figured it probably wouldn’t be that good. When we entered the next set of doors after we were both in our underwear there was a young guy probably just a couple years older than I was at the host stand wearing a male thong which I had never seen a regular thong before let alone one on a guy so it grabbed my attention right away I had to try not to stare. He lead us to a large area that was cut off from the rest of the room by the large red curtains that hung around every booth out in the open part of the restaurant.

  
In one corner of the area was a table set up with different types of food to choose from and in the other was a corner where there was another boy around the age of the server and a man slightly older then my Da. The man saw us and smiled.  
“Connor,” he said cheerfully greeting my Da who waved, “And this is your oldest John?” He said as he eyes raked my mostly naked form.

  
“Yes, this is John,” My Da said, “John this is my friend Leo,” he said introducing me and shoving me lightly so that I stepped forward. The man took my hand and shook it vigorously.

  
“Connor meet Dylan,” Leo said as the guy in the corner with the dark brown hair and weirdly blue eyes stood up and shook my Da’s hand, “You want to switch seats Connor?” Leo asked.

  
“Yes,” My Da said smiling, “John you can grab a plate and some food if you like,” My Da directed at me but didn’t take his eyes off Dylan.

  
“I don’t think I’m very hungry,” I said quietly putting my eyes on the floor because I felt like Leo was burning a hole through my body he was staring at me so excessively.

  
“Smart boy,” Leo commented as my Da pushed me lightly signaling for me to climb into the unoccupied side of the booth and Leo slipped in next to me, “I like him, I think it’s a good match.” He said to my Da.

  
“He’s usually very good,” My Da commented on me like I was a piece of meat or an animal and not a human, “He can be stubborn but usually if you say the right things he calms down pretty fast.”

  
“That’s good to know,” Leo chuckled, “What about his performance does he have any anxiety if you know what I mean?”

  
“He doesn’t seem to, he’s young though so that’s all new anyway,” My Da said, “But boy can he preform when you hit the right buttons.” He said as I finally understood what they were talking about and I felt my face go red.

  
“Dylan is great at preforming too,” Leo commented, “I think you’ll have some fun with him. He has decided he wants to be involved in the brotherhood so he’ll probably make things fairly easy for you.”

  
“Really?” My Da asked smiling widely as Dylan nodded his head and grabbed my Da’s chin and then willingly stuck his tongue in my Da’s mouth without saying a word. My Da grabbed Dylan by the neck so that the kiss wouldn’t break until he wanted it to. When he did allow Dylan to pull away Dylan laughed and blushed like a school girl who had a crush. I felt like I was going to puke. I had never seen any of the guys actually act like they liked what was going on but Dylan seemed into it and I thought he was either high or had been completely brain washed.

  
“Does John really have the assets you see in the films?” Leo asked and I felt like his eyes were looking where everyone’s eyes looked whenever I heard the word “hung” went.

  
“Oh yeah,” My Da said, “I have no idea where he got that from but he’s blessed.” My Da laughed.

  
“Can I see beautiful?” Leo directed at me taking his hand and using it to tilt my chin gently so he was looking in my eyes and I felt my whole-body freeze knowing he wanted me to take off my underwear, the last bit of clothing I had on.

  
I looked at my Da, I wanted to beg him not to make me do this but I knew that if I said anything I would probably make him angry because I would have embarrassed him, “He can be a little shy,” My Da said lightly.

  
“Oh, you’re fine, nothing to be shy about,” Dylan said looking at me, “You just…” and then Dylan stood up and slide his own boxers off so he was standing in the booth next to my Da naked his crotch level with my Da’s face who reached out and grabbed Dylan’s penis and Dylan chuckled a little as my Da started playing with Dylan’s genitals.

  
“Maybe I can help?” Leo said looking at me his hand sliding up my thigh under the table.

  
I remember the ice feeling going deeper into my body than ever before as I felt his hand move from my upper thigh into a more private place. I think I completely stopped breathing. I didn’t want this to happen. I had just met this guy and not only was my Da expecting me to do stuff with whoever the fuck this was but he was expecting me to do it with this guy in front of him and that was something that I had never done before. Yeah my Da had done things to me with other guys but he had never really just sat back and watched other guys do stuff to me.

  
“John?” My Da said, “John you’re ok.”

  
“So he’s that type of shy?” Leo asked looking at my Da and my Da nodded.

  
“He’s been with a couple of guys but not like this, not right away on the first meeting,” My Da said.

  
“Well, I am paying a good amount of money so if he can’t deliver…” Leo started to say and my Da cut him off.

  
“He’ll deliver, I thought you said you liked a little bit of a challenge anyway?” My Da questioned.

  
“A little bit, I don’t like doing corpses though,” Leo commented, “I would rather he squirm a little bit if he’s going to fight me not freeze up like some type of icicle.”

  
“He’ll fight if you push the right buttons,” My Da said.

  
“Really?” Leo said looking at my skeptically.

  
“Yes,” My Da answered, “I’ll show you.” He said and Leo moved so that my Da could crawl into the booth next to me, “If you don’t give this guy what he wants I’m going to have to go and get Mac for him. You want to do that to your little brother?” he hissed in my ear knowing it would force me to have a reaction.

  
“No, don’t do that,” I said quietly shaking my head vigorously.

  
“Then do what he wants,” My Da said.

  
My shoulders heaved as I sighed. I thought he was lying about handing Mac over to this guy but how could I be sure? How could I ever be sure of anything? Was I willing to take a gamble that he was lying? No, I wasn’t. I stood up on the seat and pulled my boxers down and Dylan laughed while Leo licked his lips at me.

  
“Nice,” Leo muttered under his breath as my Da slid out of the seat and Leo slide in next to me his head around the height of my belly button. Leo didn’t waste any time grabbing my hips and pushing me against the wall so he could use it to support my weight as he started kissing right below my belly button not really being too indecent and touching anything that he wasn’t legally able to but getting pretty close making my eyes go wide and my mouth drop open as my Da and Dylan laughed.

  
He started moving around planting kisses in different places one on each of my hips and in-between my thighs but still not on my penis anywhere. I could feel myself going red because I knew everyone was watching me and my reactions to his kisses and touches and it was making me feel sick to my stomach. He kissed my pelvis right beside my shaft and I squeaked.

  
“Ok, ok,” I said keeping my hands up because I didn’t want to push him away in case it angered my Da, “OK! OK!” I said again as his tongue slide along my pubic bone onto the top of my shaft. He then pulled away smiling slightly.

  
“You’re all right beautiful I’m not going to hurt you,” he said softly and I could feel the tears on my face.

  
“That’s one of the activities he’s most resistant to,” My Da said getting up and going over to the table of food.

  
“A lot of them are for some reason,” Leo said, “I think it’s their brains way of trying to fit all the bullshit society feeds them about our love and lifestyles being wrong. He’ll get used to it, they all do,” he sighed his face still really close to my crotch.  
“How so?” My Da asked Leo coming back to the table.

  
“Well, society says that men having sex with younger less mature men is wrong. A good way to make someone climax is to perform oral sex on them they don’t want to enjoy the act of it because society tells them they shouldn’t so they hate having oral sex preformed on them because it naturally feels good.” Leo sighed getting up and going over to the buffet himself.

  
“I never thought of it that way,” My Da said taking a bite of his food as I stayed standing in the booth as close to the wall as I could. I didn’t want to be in this room especially with my Da watching this man touch me, “So you’re saying any act that could potentially make them orgasm is what they hate the most?” My da asked Leo to clarify.

  
“Exactly,” Leo said coming back to the table, “You can sit down now beautiful I’m not going to bite you,” Leo smiled at me and patted the seat next to him.

  
I stood there for a second looking at him and then sat down reluctantly. I didn’t get why they couldn’t understand that it wasn’t society it was me. I didn’t like it because I didn’t want them to touch me like that. I didn’t want my body to like it but it naturally did because that’s what bodies do. It had nothing to do with society and how society told me to feel but how I myself felt about it. I also wasn’t really afraid most of the time that they were going to physically hurt me but more the emotional pain they caused because having them touch me like that made me feel sick inside and the fact that I couldn’t stop them from doing it made me feel trapped not just in my own skin but in life. I felt like I was stuck somewhere in someplace that I was never going to get out of where I would never be seen as a person with feelings that mattered and if I had stopped to explain this to them I don’t think they would have cared or even bothered to listen because I didn’t matter.

  
Leo and Da ate their plates as I sat there numbly not really listening to them talk and not really paying attention to whatever Dylan was doing until my Da got up and went over to a platform that was covered in tons of pillows and Dylan went with him. At the point where my Da took off his underwear and climbed on top of Dylan I stopped watching because I knew what was happening and I didn’t want to think about it.

  
“Are you hungry yet little one?” Leo asked me noticing that I was staring at the wall.

  
“No thanks,” I said quietly.

  
“You’re a lot shyer then I thought you would be,” Leo commented, “I mean from some of your videos I thought you would be more receptive or at least more vocal but you actually seem really quiet.”

  
“Sorry,” I said.

  
“Don’t be sorry, be yourself,” Leo said, “I like knowing who you really are. Can you tell me something about yourself?” He said quietly as if he were trying to get me to relax.

  
“I don’t know,” I mumbled quietly, “What do you want to know?”

  
“Anything you want me to,” He asked me, “Do you like guys? Girls? Anyone special in the picture?” he asked.

  
For a moment, my mind flashed to Pat but I didn’t want to share that with anyone. Pat’s and my relationship was different and I didn’t want to put a label on it especially because both of us being in the brotherhood and them finding out could lead to one or both of us being killed so I shook my head in response.

  
“No one special? Do you like guys or are you fan of the fairer sex?” He asked.

  
“I think girls are pretty,” I mumbled.

  
“I see,” Leo responded, “There will be plenty of time for women as you get older. Knowing how to enjoy your own body and allow others to enjoy it is an important part of being able to please a woman. If you listen to your Dad you’ll go far in that department, I could help you too,” he said putting his hand on my leg again which made me visibly shudder, “You don’t feel comfortable in your body do you?” he asked me.

  
I didn’t know how to respond whether I should tell him it was being touched that made me uncomfortable in my body or that I didn’t think it really mattered and I thought my body was disgusting so I just nodded my head.

  
“Here, come with me,” he said getting up out of the booth and offering me his hand which I took so that I didn’t anger my Da in case he was paying attention. He walked us over to another platform covered in pillows and lifted me up to help me onto it. He crawled up after me and laid down next to me, “look up,” he said pointing to the ceiling above us.

  
I looked up and there reflexed back at me was my face and body in a full-length mirror which made me want to cringe and look away so I averted my eyes instinctively.

  
“No, no, don’t look away, look at yourself,” Leo cooed reaching over and holding my chin up so I was forced to look up at myself in the mirror, “you’re beautiful. I’m surprised that everyone that see’s you don’t want to touch you, doesn’t want to make you feel good. I mean even men who aren’t into boys should be attracted to you you’re so beautiful. That hair and those eyes, I could get lost in those eyes,” he said straddling me so that I no longer had to stare at myself but at him. He kept my attention on his eyes as he stared at me so closely I felt like he was burning a hole into my soul and seeing right past everything that was me in a way that was invading and uninvited as he leaned forward running his hands up my arms to my shoulders and down my chest as he leaned in and forced his tongue past my lips. My hands instinctively went in-between us trying to push him off me a little bit as more of his body weight was leaned onto me and he reached with no effort and pushed both of my arms above my head using one hand to pin them there.

  
“Please,” I whispered and I could feel my face getting wet from my tears.

  
“You’re ok, why don’t you love yourself? Maybe if you let other people show you how special you are you would love yourself more,” he whispered into my neck as he moved one of his legs so it was in-between mine, “let me make you feel good, let me love you.” He said and as I heard those words something inside me unfroze.

  
“NO!” I said forcefully trying to push him off which only made him stronger, “NO! NO! I DON’T WANT TO! NO!” I repeated while he wrestled with me on the heap of pillows Not really being mean but using his strength to fight the battle for him. I don’t remember when he started raping me but I know he did. At some point, he managed to get a condom on and before I knew how it happened he was inside of me gasping and moaning in pleasure as I out right cried and he didn’t seem to care. He kissed my tears as he pushed inside of me making sure he hit all the right spots each tingle in my body tearing at my soul splitting me apart and making me sob and scream. After he climaxed and I think I did at least once he blew me until I climaxed again and by then I was so numb my head was spinning and I barely remember anything. I don’t remember getting dressed or going to the car. I barely remember pulling into the parking lot at Dr. Palmers office.

  
When we got into the waiting room my Da and I, I remember watching this baby crying and thinking of how unlucky that kid was to be alive. How horrible this world was and that if that mom had had any idea of what this world did to people she would have never had him. At some point my name was called and my Da lead me down the hall. Dr. Palmer and Da talked for a while and then Da left the room for some reason.

  
Vic tapped me gently on the shoulder, “John?” he said softly, patiently, “John? Are you ok?” he asked me finally snapping me out of whatever daze I had been in.

  
“no,” I whispered and the tears broke the surface again my whole body shaking.

  
“You want to talk about it?” He asked me.

  
“Why? Like that’s going to do anything?” I replied quietly. I remember thinking very carefully about what I said because I felt if I said too much I was going to shatter into a million pieces. He didn’t get it. It didn’t matter who I told, my mum, him no one cared. No one wanted to help me I was just a thing to either ignore, use or throw at a problem. I felt like I was done. My body felt disgusting that creep all over me and still inside me. No one understood they might say they did but I felt like no one did at that point and no one cared.

  
“Can you tell me how you feel?” He asked me softly and turned on the water faucet so no one could over hear us talking.

  
I smiled sadly and shook my head, “It doesn’t matter.” I said.

  
“Why do you think it doesn’t matter?” He prodded me gently.

  
“Because if it did someone would make it stop. No one cares so, why should I? It doesn’t matter. Is my arm healed yet?” I asked him.

  
“Yes,” he answered my last question first, “Someone is working to make it…” I cut him off.

  
“I’m going to go home then,” I said hopping off the exam table, “At least now I don’t have to worry about this damn splint,” I said pointing at the thing that he had moved from my arm earlier, “Next time use it on someone that’s worth it.” I said and then left the room before he could stop me and went out into the waiting room where my Da was.

  
“Ready to go kid?” My Da asked me and I nodded my head in reply trying to keep it together.

  
He kept his hand on my thigh the whole way home and said stuff about how good I was with Leo and how I wouldn’t have to see Hank anymore unless I got in trouble again like it mattered. Like I fucking cared. None if it mattered anymore and that thought was the only thing that got me through that car ride and back to the house.

  
When we got inside everyone was already upstairs so I grabbed a bottle of vodka out of the liquor cabinet and took the elevator up to the 3rd floor because I needed the air and I didn’t think it mattered how safe I was anymore because I never fucking was. It didn’t matter what floor I was on, where I was at if my Da wanted to fuck me he would, if he wanted to let someone else fuck me he would. I was to the point where I felt like it didn’t matter and that my mum didn’t really care either. She knew what was going on, she knew what would happen if she let him take me to my appointment and she let him do it anyway.

  
I remember drinking that whole bottle but not really tasting it and then standing out on the balcony. Looking below at the pool and the cement like I had before but this time I remember feeling like if I reached hard enough out into the open air I could feel the wind almost picking me up and taking me away. Before I knew what was happening or what I was doing I was sitting on the railing my legs dangling over the edge.

  
I don’t know how long I sat there staring down at the cement below me trying to work up the nerve to jump but I sat there long enough for someone to knock on the door to the guest suite and it scared me enough I bumped into the empty bottle sitting next to me on the ledge and knocked it over watching it fall.

  
When my mum heard the bottle hit the cement below and shatter she threw the door open her mouth hanging wide in terror and then she saw me still sitting there.

  
“Honey,” she said quietly, “what are you doing?”

  
“I want it to stop,” I said quietly the tears starting back up.

  
“Oh honey, come here please?” She said calmly, “come here and we’ll have a chat.”

  
“NO mum,” I said and I started crying, “End this or I will! End it now!” I started sobbing, “You don’t care about me, if you cared you wouldn’t let him do it. You don’t know what it feels like, you don’t know how bad it hurts.”

  
“John please come here,” she said and she had probably been walking towards me slowly the whole time I was crying because before I knew it her arms were around me.

  
“I need it to stop,” I sobbed into her shoulder, “Why don’t I matter?”

  
“Oh honey, you do matter! You matter so much I’m so sorry I keep telling you to hold on but I don’t know what to do. We need more money to get out and I don’t know what to do,” My mum whispered rubbing my hair, “You matter more then you’ll ever know and I know this is mostly landing on you and it’s not fair and I’m so sorry honey, oh my love,” she cooed as she pulled me off the ledge and onto the balcony floor rocking me back and forth, “I’m so sorry. Soon, ok can you wait a couple of days?” she asked me.

  
“I don’t know,” I said my sobs starting to spread out my breaths becoming more even and normal.

  
“If you’re going to hurt yourself I need to know love not because I want to punish you for it but because I want to protect you from yourself you understand?” She asked me.

  
“So you can protect me from myself but not from him?” I asked her the sobs starting back up.

  
“Love, it’s so much harder than you know,” she said, “Give me three days ok? Just three days and we’ll go, all of us I swear it on the virgin mother, please three days,” she said, “until then I need you to just hold on and pretend everything is ok that you’re all right and let everything go on like normal yeah?”

  
“You swear?” I asked her sadly and hopefully even though I was sure I couldn’t trust her; I was sure she was lying and she would just tell Da I had tried to kill myself and get me locked in the basement until I forgot what everyone looked like.  
“Yes, I swear it,” She said giving me the most serious look I had ever seen her give me, “Now come on upstairs, we’ll get you cleaned up and fed huh?” she said standing with me but not letting go of me. I thought for a long time this was out of love and maybe it was but I believe most of it was out of fear I would push her away and jump over if she didn’t hold on tight but she walked us to the elevator that way and up onto the fourth floor.

  
When the elevator door opened, it seemed like all my brothers and sisters were there waiting for us but none of them spoke or approached me once they saw my face but backed up and gave mum and I space as she walked me to my bedroom and turned on the shower water for me. I don’t know how long I was in the shower for but I was in there long enough for the water to run cold and my skin to be red and wrinkly. There was also a cup of hot chocolate that was on my nightstand that had gone cold by that point as well.

  
It did sound like something that would nice to have in my stomach and I hadn’t eaten all day so I went out into the kitchen and popped it in the microwave and went to open the pantry only to find the doors wouldn’t move. I then realized there was a padlock on the pantry door and I felt my stomach drop into my knees. So, she hadn’t told him she knew about the stairs but she had prevented him from getting to us which in turn basically told him and uncle Ben that she knew. I sat down on the kitchen floor feeling empty inside. I didn’t think I would last three days at that point. If I didn’t kill myself in three days I felt like he would.

  
“John?” I heard quietly behind me and I turned to find Will watching me timidly.

  
“hey,” I replied quietly.

  
“What happened?” Will asked me, “Mum’s kind of frantic and everyone else is fine so I’m assuming it’s something to do with you.” He said trying to sound not accusing but the words still hurt.

  
“Why?” I asked.

  
“Because I’ve never seen her this scared at least not scared like this besides that one time when…” He trailed off and I knew he was avoiding mentioning the video that Da had showed her of us together.

  
“I can’t do it anymore,” I said simply.

  
“What do you mean?” Will asked coming closer and sitting on the floor next to me.

  
“I can’t,” I said trying to find my words, swallowing back my tears, “He took me out to lunch and some guy was there and he…” I shrugged my shoulders, “I can’t do it anymore. When I got home I went downstairs to the guest suite with the balcony and I almost jumped.” I answered numbly.

  
“oh,” Will said nodding his head, “So that’s why she’s so upset,” He said.

  
“It doesn’t matter now I guess I would have been better off jumping because I’m dead anyway,” I said pointing at the pantry door.

  
“He’s not going to know that was because of you, he’s come to me too remember and Catty and James, almost everyone really,” Will said.

  
“Will? Do you ever hate yourself?” I asked him and could feel a stray tear falling from my eye so I brushed it away.

  
“No,” Will said, “I hate them I don’t hate myself,” he answered.

  
“How?” I asked, “Because I really need to understand why I can’t be like that. Why I hate myself so much.”

  
“Well, from what I read literally every physical reaction is an equal and opposite reaction. If someone touches you a certain way your body is programmed to respond a certain way. It’s literally just physics. I can’t stop my body from feeling that way so why try and why feel guilty about it? It doesn’t mean I like it, or I want it, it just means I’m human with a normal body like anyone else. He’s the one doing it not me I’m just along for the ride so to speak so why be angry at myself for something I can’t control?” He said.

  
“It shouldn’t feel good though,” I said and I wiped at my eyes again.

  
“No see that’s where you’re wrong it should, it’s normal for it to feel good even if we don’t want it to. For it to feel good means we’re human. He shouldn’t want to do that to us, that means he’s the wrong one not us. You can’t put that on yourself none of us are doing anything to deserver what he does he’s a bad, sick twisted person who found other bad sick and twisted people that think the same way he does. I know what he says, I know what he tells you but he tells you that so he can justify it to himself and make it ok when it’s not ok, his words don’t make what he does ok.” Will said.

  
“How are you so smart?” I asked, “How do you know that’s right and what I feel is wrong?” I asked him.

  
“Because I read and its what bad people do to kids, bad people like Da and Uncle Ben. There have been bad people like them out there for a long-time John, people like them are everywhere.” He answered.

  
“How do you know all of this?” I asked him.

  
“Back at school they started teaching us how to use computers. There’s this thing called ask Jeeves where you can type in anything you want to know and it will bring up websites and stuff with information. I wrote it down and looked on the computer downstairs a while ago, apparently, it’s been a thing for a long time and they are in every country and a lot of them do really really bad things. Usually it’s not strangers snatching kids off the street but people like Da who already work with kids or have kids of their own. They’re really really bad people,” Will said, “Don’t tell Da I know how to use the computer I don’t think he’d be too happy.”

  
“I won’t,” I said, “He knows you know how to read his emails and shit though I’m pretty sure. Stuff you let me know that sometimes…”

  
“Gets around like how we knew the leader was coming to dinner?” Will asked and shrugged, “he hasn’t punished me for it yet so it can’t be a huge deal or else he just suspects and doesn’t really know it’s me. There are people online you can talk to you know? They won’t be able to tell it’s you, you just make a screen name. Maybe you wouldn’t feel so alone?” He asked me.

  
“I don’t think it matters,” I said, “And if they can’t tell it’s me how do I know who they are?”

  
Will sighed, “that’s true but, sometimes just feeling like you have someone doesn’t hurt. You could tell me you know but, you seem to not want to.”

  
“I won’t tell you because you’re my brother I’m supposed to protect you from it,” I said.

  
“Yeah and who came up with that idea? You, right? I’m in this with you, you don’t need to protect me John, I can take care of myself,” Will repeated from an earlier conversation.

  
“Yeah?” I said and I felt myself getting angry, “Tell me that when he’s above you every single night moaning into your ear how you like it, and how you feel so good and you taste so awesome. Tell me that when he’s letting guys video tape you doing things you don’t want to do or letting some guy do things to you while all you can do it watch it happen in a mirror above your head. When you deal with that then tell me you don’t need me to protect you ok? Until then just trust me please.” I hissed.

  
Will frowned looking at me intently really looking at me and then he sighed heavily, “I didn’t know it was that bad,” he said, “Maybe that’s why you need to trust someone though so you can tell someone that stuff. It might make you feel better.”

  
“Why does it matter how I feel? He doesn’t care, you don’t trust me when I say you don’t want to have to live with it, mum literally throws me at him and she might as well tie a bow around my junk and stick a fuck me sign on my back. So why does it matter?” I hissed.

  
“Mum doesn’t know what to do ok?” Will said his eyes widening, “She doesn’t do it on purpose but she doesn’t know what the hell to do to get it to stop John and I doubt she has any idea it’s that bad. Maybe if you talked to her about it she would know and she would be trying harder to find another way out or a faster way out.”

  
“That’s not true she does know, Pat told her because I couldn’t!” I hissed.

  
“Really?” Will asked, “When?”

  
“I don’t know like yesterday, the day before maybe?” I shrugged.

  
“Well, then she probably didn’t have time to process it. That’s a big thing to hear John. If I didn’t already have an idea that it was happening I wouldn’t know what to think. And she’s supposed to fix it that takes time, planning and sadly time is not something she really has anymore so she’s scrambling,” Will said, “She told me three days so give it three days by then hopefully she’ll have something at least half way figured out because I think you really scared her this time.” Will said.  
“Nothing is as scary as your Da taking you out somewhere and almost raping you in a park parking lot or making you sit next to some guy you don’t even know and before you know it he’s on top of you because someone who is

supposed to protect you said it was ok because he paid them money.” I said.

  
“No but imagine knowing that things like that are happening and to the people you care about the most and you can’t stop it, imagine how that probably feels,” Will said.

  
“I don’t have to it happens to me every day who on earth do you think I care about more than anything? You! All of you! And it doesn’t matter what I let him do to me he still keeps doing it, at first it worked but now it doesn’t matter what promises I make but if he’s with me he’s not with one of you,” I said nearly breaking down.

  
“John that’s not your job that’s mum’s job not yours!” Will hissed, “You can’t protect anyone, you need to leave that to mum ok?”

  
“But she can’t do it either you just said so yourself,” I said back.

  
“Yeah but that doesn’t mean you need to try and help her because guess what it’s obviously not working. If you are drinking just to function and are sitting on ledges trying to work up the courage to jump something is not working and its mum’s job to figure out how to fix that because obviously, it’s a very serious problem that you can’t fix on your own so quit trying please. We need you but we need you here with us we don’t need you playing hero until you can’t take it anymore so just stop,” Will said giving me the meanest and most worried glare I had ever seen him give me.

  
“Three days,” I said holding my hand up and flashing three fingers at him, “that’s what I’m giving her is three days and if we don’t have an answer by then I’m either letting him kill me or I’m killing myself because by then I’ll wish I was dead, heck I already do.” I said getting up and forgetting my hot chocolate.

  
“John,” Will called making me turn back, “Please don’t hurt yourself, you’re my brother and I love you.” He said quietly.

  
“I love you too,” I said going into my room and quietly shutting the door hoping to get some sleep. I slept but I remember tossing and turning my mind not wanting to shut down. I knew I was asleep because I kept dreaming, seeing my face in the mirror with that guy on top of me breathing into me, his hands on my hips, his breath on my face. Around 5:30 I finally gave up on trying to get anymore sleep and showered and dressed for school. I went and sat out in the living room with the TV volume down low and a water bottle filled with vodka and ended up falling asleep until someone jumped in my lap startling me awake. When I opened my eyes, Catty was staring at me from my lap.

  
“Geeze you scared me,” I said.

  
“Sorry,” She said softly, “Are you ok?”

  
“I’ll be fine,” I sighed, “I have to leave for school soon.”

  
“I know,” She said, “Da didn’t come in last night,” She said thoughtfully almost like she was confused.

  
“Good,” I said, “He shouldn’t do that anyway.”

  
“I know mum talked to me about it,” She said.

  
“Well, hopefully he’ll stop.” I said closing my eyes and rubbing my temples.

  
“John are you awake?” Will asked coming in his backpack on and his stuff ready to go, “Bus soon.”

“Yeah I’m coming,” I said walking to the elevator grabbing my stuff, “Everyone is ready so we can get out, right?”

  
“Yes,” Will said as everyone else started lining up.

  
I hit the elevator button and we all got on. We managed to get out of the house without me seeing him or our Uncle. The bus ride was quiet. I joined Dom and everyone in the bushes but kept mostly quiet before the bell rang as everyone was starting to go towards the front door Pat asked me to stay behind for a second.

  
“Are you ok?” He asked softly, “You seem out of it.”

  
“I almost jumped last night,” I said and Pat gave me a confused look.

  
“Jumped what do you mean jumped?” He asked.

  
“From the balcony in the guest suite. I wasn’t at lunch yesterday,” I answered.

  
“Yes, I noticed and I thought it was weird but…” I cut Pat off.

  
“Da took me to Tony’s place and there was this guy and…” I felt my breath catch and Pat hugged me tightly.

 

“Oh Rabbit,” he cooed holding me tightly, “Oh I’m so sorry.”

  
“There isn’t anything anyone can do,” I said, “Mum said to give her three days. I think she’s planning on leaving now.”

  
“Oh Rabbit I’m going to miss you so much,” he said pressing his forehead against mine like he always did.

  
“You’re not angry?” I asked.

  
“No. You deserve to be free, you deserve so much more then what you have. I’m happy you’re going to get out,” He said, “I’m sad you’re going yes but I want you to have a chance. Here that’s something you don’t have.”

  
“You won’t tell anyone?” I asked, “Until I’m gone, we’re gone, right?”

  
“Of course not, I’ll tell everyone after you’re gone that you said bye.” He said, “I mean there’s things I didn’t get to figure out with you but, maybe it’s better that way.”

  
“Yeah, maybe,” I said, “I think my mum is going to send me to a therapist after we leave.”

  
“Well, she needs to, people who can deal with things well don’t try and jump from the 3rd story of their house,” He said simply and then kissed my cheek, “I hope it works.”

  
“Me too,” I said softly, “We should go before the bell rings.”

  
“Just one more minute,” he said giving me that look again.

  
I took his hand and put it against my chest up against my heart, “I’ll never forget you.” I promised.

  
“And I’m sure I’ll never forget you,” he said and then he kissed me making my stomach flutter and my heart leap.

  
I thought for sure I would never kiss him like that again, or any guy. I thought for sure that was going to be our most personal and close goodbye because I wasn’t sure if I would even be in school again after that day. I had wanted to wait to tell him but, when he pulled me aside I found I couldn’t keep it to myself. Keep the secret that I might be leaving because I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t want our goodbye to be one of the last things I did anymore because he deserved more than that.  
All the sudden we heard the bushes moving and we broke apart but not fast enough because there was standing one of the priest his arms folded scowling at us, “You know that’s a grave sin right boys?” He asked us.

  
“It’s not what it looks like Fr. McClairen,” Pat said taking a step away from me putting some distance between us.

  
“I know what fraternizing looks like Mr. Kingly, don’t lie.” He said staring at us, “Who is this?” he asked referring to me.

  
“This is John,” Pat answered his question.

  
“That doesn’t tell me who he is,” Fr. McClairen barked, “Obviously, he’s a student but who is he?”

  
“I’m John McGregor,” I answered and Pat shot me a warning look.

  
“Ah, so you’re the one I haven’t met,” Mr. McClairen said, “You were supposed to be in class yesterday and, why weren’t you?”

  
“My Da came and got me, I had a doctor’s appointment,” I said softly.

  
“Was it?” Fr. McClairen said smiling at me knowingly, “You boys want notes to excuse your tardiness?” he asked reaching for his belt.

  
“If you let us leave right now we could probably make our classes on time,” Pat answered.

  
“Well, you could but I would have to report you to the headmaster for indecent acts,” Fr. McClairen said, “Or you could do me a favor,” he said touching his belt buckle and I felt my face going red.  
“So then you would be one of those McGregors,” Fr. McClairen smiled, “I’m sure you’re good at it.” He said starting to undo his belt as I took a couple steps back.

  
Pat stepped forward, “I can’t let you do that,” He said.

  
“Excuse me son?” He said almost laughing, “You can’t stop me. He knows his place and you should be well aware of yours.”

  
“Don’t make him,” Pat said looking at him almost begging for me, “I’ll do it,” he said getting on his knees in front of Fr. McClairen and pushing his hands away so Pat could undo his belt.

  
“Someone is repentant,” He said smiling touching Pat’s hair as Pat started blowing him in front of me like it was the most normal thing in the world, “Better get to class Mr. McGregor before you’re late,” he added to me.

  
I nodded and took off towards the doors and went into the school my brain numb. This was beyond sick all of it. I managed to get through my first read aloud but by the second I was far away.

  
“Mr. McGregor! Hello are you alive in there?” Father Dunbee said waving his hand in front of my face, “You’re not sleeping so why is your brain not with us?”  
“Sorry sir,” I said quietly.

  
“Well please join the class pick up reading paragraph four page 45,” He said smiling at me sadly.

  
I picked up reading. I managed to keep it together and follow along the rest of the class but when the bell rang Father Dunbee asked me to stay behind for a few minutes.

  
“Are you doing all right Mr. McGregor?” He asked me sitting down at his desk.

  
“I’m sorry sir there is just a lot going on at home I’m not trying to slack off or make excuses it won’t happen again,” I answered.

  
“I hear rumors you know?” Father Dunbee sighed, “About things that happen to some of you young men here. No one has ever told me anything but if you are having problems and you need confession you can come to me. I won’t tell anyone but I will help you feel right with god. IF anyone from here is involved I can talk to the bishop hand the problem over to him and no one has to know anything.” He said quietly.

  
I stood there looking at this old man shocked that he would actually say such a thing. If he knew this was going on why wouldn’t go to the police with it? Then I remembered Hank was it possible this guy knew this was everywhere or what felt like everywhere to me. I just shook my head.

  
“Ok. I understand it’s difficult to be young but don’t lose your faith because there are some bad people out there. I’ll pray for you,” He said, “You may go.”

  
“Thank you Father,” I said taking a few steps out the door and then turned back as the weird idea hit me, what could it hurt? “Could you please? Pray for me I mean?”

  
“Of course, God loves all his children and sometimes some of them need a little extra help so I will make sure I say a couple special ones for you. Remember even if it feels like he’s not listening he always is,” Father Dunbee smiled at me.

  
I walked to my next class and found everyone lined up outside the door of Father Barren’s class. I didn’t want to deal with him staring at me but I knew I had to and could only hope I had the patience to deal with it. Dom saw me approaching and left his place at the front of the line.

  
“Hey,” Dom said coming up to me, “Is everything ok? He doesn’t usually pull people aside but most people are smart enough not to go space case in his class as well.”

  
“A lot going on at home,” I said quietly.

  
“Well, pull it together because Father Barren won’t deal with it ok? You don’t want to deal with him trust me,” Dom warned.

  
“You have before?” I asked and apparently, I hit a nerve because Dom flinched.

  
“I’ve dealt with a lot of people,” he said quietly shaking his head, “Don’t ask me about that again please.”

  
“Ok sorry,” I said and he put his hand on my shoulder as if to say it was ok.

  
“If I don’t think about it it’s not real,” Dom shrugged his shoulders.

  
“That only works for so long,” I replied.

  
“I know,” Dom answered, “I’ll make it work until I can’t. You want to know one of the guys I see most often? Hank and he hasn’t been around too much lately,” He said looking at me tilting his head, “I wonder why that is?” he asked.

  
“Don’t,” I said shaking my head.

  
“See? It hurts, doesn’t it?” Dom said, “Even if you don’t mean to.”

  
“I said I was sorry,” I said and I noticed my hands were shaking.

  
“Yeah doesn’t feel very good, does it?” He said with spite.

  
“It won’t happen again,” I said seriously.

  
“All right,” Dom nodded his head, “Just keep it together. I can help you because we’ll be doing partner problems again but, don’t zone out while he’s talking ok?” Dom said just as the bell rang.

  
I did manage to pay attention and I must say it was stuff that I had learned before. Father Barren kept eyeing me however and at one point asked me to solve on the board. I shot a worried glance at Dom who just rolled his eyes at me as if to say “what do you expect me to do?” I got up and solved the problem at the board, my body breaking out into a cold sweat as Father Barren stood next to me.

  
“Very good Mr. McGregor,” Father Barren said, “You may sit down.”

  
“Be careful,” Dom whispered to me when I got back to my seat, “He likes you.”

  
“Yeah, I caught that,” I said back quietly.

  
The two guys working at the desk in front of us turned around and looked at us, “Man you’re in trouble,” one of them with dark hair and dark brown eyes said.

  
“That’s what I just told him,” Dom said, “You don’t have any idea Diaz.”

  
“You can call me Jesus,” the boy replied.

  
“I could but it reminds me of Jesus because spelled the same,” Dom said, “So calling you Diaz is fine with me.”

  
“No one calls me that though,” Jesus said.

  
“Then think of me as a special friend,” Dom said smiling.

  
“Yeah that just makes me think of other things that I’m not into I’m going to be honest. My cousin calls his boyfriend that,” Jesus laughed.

  
“That’s a thing?” Dom asked.

  
“Yes that’s a thing some of them say,” Jesus said.

  
“Ok then don’t think of me like that please,” Dom said laughing and Father Barren cleared his throat.

  
“In your own groups, do your work,” he said, “No chatter.”

  
The bell rang shortly after that and, “Mr. McGregor could you please stay back a minute?”

  
“Good luck,” Dom said, “Want me to wait outside?”

  
“Could you?” I asked and he nodded.

  
Father Barren got up and shut the classroom door behind Dom and I felt my heart starting to pound against my rib cage. From everything everyone said this guy was not a good guy. I felt like I was ready to fall over so I sat down in a seat near the front of the class.

  
“So,” Fr. Barren said pausing as if to choose his words carefully, “I talked to your uncle and he showed me a special movie and I must say I’m intrigued and would like to get to know you better, if that’s ok with you.”

  
I was shocked, no one had ever actually pretended to ask me if I was ok with anything before so I honestly didn’t know what to say. What the hell was I supposed to say? No and get my ass handed to me or threatened. I doubted this guy was a nice guy if he had anything to do with my Uncle.

  
He must have seen my eyes widen because he sighed, “I’m not a violent man, you don’t need to upset yourself. I’m just saying it’s something I would like you to think about there are certain perks to becoming friends with me.”

  
“That’s what you call it?” I asked feeling myself getting angry, “That’s not something I’m into.”

  
“Maybe not but it’s something you might want to think about before your grades start to suffer,” He said not showing even an inch of emotion, “Now none of that would happen during school hours of course, too many people around but keep that in mind and get back to me.”

  
“Yeah, ok,” I said, “Can I go?”

  
“Yes of course,” He said moving away from the door so I could leave.

  
When I got out of the room Dom was standing on one side of the door while a new line of students stood on the other side, “Did he…?” Dom started to whisper in my ear.

  
“No, he asked though,” I replied.

  
“Did he ask or more imply your grades were on the line?” Dom asked me.

  
“Is there really a difference?” I asked and sighed, “Where are we going now?” I asked.

  
“Lunch, you get to see your lover boy,” Dom said and I slapped him lightly and he smiled, “So I did get that, right?”

  
“I don’t know,” I said, “It’s something but I don’t know what.” I sighed as we started walking down the hall.

  
“I’ve had a thing with some guys before, no big I always think it’s funny to watch other people’s relationships though,” Dom said.

  
“Are you … gay?” I asked him.

  
“I ah…,” Dom paused, “I wouldn’t consider myself gay more like bi maybe? I don’t know it’s hard to determine I always thought. Never took Pat for one though.”

  
“I don’t think he is. I don’t think I am either,” I said.

  
“Oh, I think everyone can swing a little bit and it just takes that one person sometimes,” Dom nodded his head, “Maybe you’re his one person.”

  
“Maybe, I can tell you he’s mine. I can’t picture myself with any other guys at least not because I want to be.” I said.

  
“I get that,” Dom said as we reached the cafeteria.

  
The cafeteria was actually a lot smaller then I was expecting it to be with two lunch lines and one snack line. Pat and Cole were standing near the entrance talking and when they saw us they waved us over.

  
“Hey,” Pat said, “How was class guys?”

  
“I think Father Barren’s found his new crush,” Dom said looking at me.

  
“Oh, well you’ll be given an A,” Pat said looking at me.

  
“Not funny,” I said shaking my head even though I smiled a little.

  
“Anyone fancy a smoke?” Dom asked looking at Pat’s pocket.

  
“Shortly, let’s get some food first I’m hungry,” Cole said and Pat nodded in agreement.

  
“How is lit going?” Pat asked both Dom and I.

  
“Not bad,” Dom answered.

  
“Omg I think I’m going to die of boredom. I know that’s how things are done but dear lord everyone reads like their robots it’s hard to keep paying attention and not day dream,” I replied.

  
“I think a lot of it has to do with the reading, if he was more like Gleeten it might be easier. Gleeten actually reads like normal stuff not all Twain and Hemingway.” Cole said.

  
“And God had to give me Dunbee,” I scoffed, “At least he’s not a perv.”

  
“Thank god for that I couldn’t deal with that shit at 8am,” Dom said shaking his head as we got into one of the lines.

  
We moved through the line quickly and I don’t remember why but I didn’t feel super hungry and my stomach felt like it was in knots so I only grabbed a bag of chips. Everyone laughed and joked their way through lunch while I sat there numbly. I felt like everything was falling out from under me. I knew this was my life, I knew I was at school but something didn’t feel right.

  
“Can we go now?” Dom asked he was obviously looking for a nicotine fix.

  
“Yeah, let’s go,” Pat said getting up and the rest of us followed suit and walked down the hall to the back door where we all snuck out and into our trees.

  
“Thank you,” Dom said as Pat handed him a cigarette and he pulled a lighter out of his pocket and Pat handed me one.

  
“You ok?” Pat asked me as I looked at him.

  
“I’m worried,” I said and everyone stopped talking to look at me.

  
“About what?” Pat asked.

  
“Science and History,” I answered.

  
“I took care of McClairen,” Pat said and everyone’s eyes widened when Pat noticed his face turned red, “Come here,” he said grabbing my hand and leading me out of the trees and farther away from the school so everyone was out of ear shot, “I know it’s scary but you should be ok today.”

  
“Father Barren mentioned my Uncle, Pat. He mentioned the videos or at least seeing one. These videos are getting out how long before someone else comes across one of them?” I asked.

  
“Usually they keep those things among themselves, their own groups,” Pat mentioned.

  
“But they have kids like our age what if someone at school sees one? What do I do then? When my Da took me to Tony’s yesterday there was a guy and my Da had shown him the videos too. The guy didn’t even care that I. I said no. My Da was in the room with me and he didn’t care either he was too busy fucking the guy’s son to even pay attention,” I said, “He made me watch in a mirror.”

  
“Oh Rabbit, that really sucks. At least you didn’t have to deal with Father McClairen the morning,” Pat said running a hand through his hair and biting his lips pushing on the empty space where his lip ring usually was with his teeth.

  
“I was surprised you did that for me,” I said.

  
“I care about you and things are hard enough for you already,” Pat answered me, “It’s not the first dick I’ve had in my mouth so,” And he raised his eyebrows at me and winked.

  
“Oh dude what if they hear you?” I laughed meaning the other guys.

  
“They’ll ask if I’m any good,” Pat shrugged.

  
“Yes,” I nodded laughing lightly.

  
“Yes? Yes, what?” He asked.

  
“You’re good,” I said.

  
“Damn it I so want to make out with you now. However, I wasn’t meaning at that I was meaning the other thing,” Pat said smiling.

  
“You’re not the only one that wants to make out with me apparently,” I said and Pat snorted.

  
“That’s horrible!” Pat said, “Man our lives are so fucked up.”

  
“Yeah but you thought it was funny,” I pointed out.

  
“Yes, that was funny,” Pat said nodding his head, “Come on I think we have time for one more before lunch is over,” he said pulling the pack out of his pocket and flashing it at me again.

  
“Yeah,” I said and we walked back to the group.

  
“You two have a thing?” Cole asked his eyes wide with excitement.

  
I felt myself blush.

  
“OH! You do that’s so cute, so are you guys like going out out or is it just like a secret thing?” Cole said.

  
“I don’t know, John?” Pat said lighting his cigarette.

  
“That’s a question, isn’t it?” I asked as Dom handed me his lighter and I lit up.

  
“Either way you should keep it quiet. Catholic school full of the brotherhood, you get caught you end up,” Dom moved his finger across the air under his neck quickly.

  
“Yeah, they’re aware,” Cole said and Dom nodded his head sadly.

  
“I think he would have liked our new addition,” Dom said, “I mean John seems pretty awesome.”

  
“Well thank you,” I said.

  
“You’re welcome, you might have a question problem but, that’s ok almost everyone does,” Dom said.

  
“Question problem?” I asked.

  
“He means you ask him about things he won’t talk about, we all have Dom is very private,” Cole said and blew smoke in his face.

  
Dom frowned and waved it away, “Yeah I tend to keep my shit to myself. I know it helps you guys but talking about it doesn’t help me ok?”

  
“We joke and talk about it because it’s better than keeping it all locked up,” Pat said, “You know the guys that kill themselves are the ones who don’t talk about it so yeah.”

  
“Yeah well you know when I disappear I’m not being locked up on vacation I’m ending up taking a break because I tried to kill myself,” Dom said, “You guys don’t get it.”

  
“At least one of us does,” Cole said and all eyes turned to me.

  
“What?” I asked.

  
Pat sighed, “I talk to Cole all the time. We know it’s something you talk about, ending it.”

  
“Really?” Dom asked me.

  
“Yeah, I nearly jumped off the balcony last night,” I said.

  
“Want to talk about that?” Dom asked me.

  
“We’ll leave you guys, alone shall we?” Cole said grabbing Pat by the shoulder who took the hint.

  
“Yeah, I’ll be inside ok,” Pat said to me and I nodded. We watched Pat and Cole walk away.

  
“I nearly jumped because I can’t deal with it anymore. I feel like my mum is throwing me at him to control the problem and I can’t do it.” I said honestly.

  
“Is it every night?” Dom asked me.

  
“Just about. He’s been letting people give him money so they can spend time with me,” I said quietly not able to look Dom in the face.

  
“Do they make videos of you?” Dom asked and I nodded my head.

  
“Me too,” Dom said, “I’m adopted you know? I was adopted when I was five from Russia. I don’t remember a lot about it besides being cold all the time. I don’t think it was like this before though, my life I mean. I don’t remember anyone ever doing things like they do.”

  
“Who? Is it your Dad?” I asked softly.

  
“Dad’s, this school is run by the brotherhood so they sent me here otherwise I don’t think I would be going here because we aren’t catholic. I don’t remember anything good ever. I’m tired I’m beyond tired.” Dom said to me.

  
“The first time anyone ever did anything to me I was four,” I said, “My Uncle shoved his dick in my mouth and told me if I bit he would kill my mum so I …” I shook my head.

  
“I didn’t realize,” Dom said, “From the moment I got here, no Russian, and you owe us this because we saved you. Saved me from what? I don’t even remember. I’ve been told if I say no they’ll leave me on the street to rot or sell me off to some whore house somewhere,” Dom shrugged, “So I just don’t say anything.”

  
“A lot of the guys know what it’s like to be stuck you know? I mean look at Pat his mum ran off and he doesn’t know where she is,” I said.

  
“Yeah but at least they have a place to go, something else to remember I have nothing and no one,” Dom said, “I mean you have your mum, right?”

  
“Yeah she’s not helpful though, apparently, he rapes her too my Da. My Uncle is now in and out of my life but Da is always there.” I sighed.

  
“So it’s your Dad too?” Dom asked looking at me.

  
“Yeah, he thinks we’re in some fucked up relationship I guess,” I said, “Honestly that’s the worst part. Not Hank even though I hate Hank and he’s horrible not my Uncle but my Da.”

  
“Mine too both, the one reminds me of Hank but my pop I’m supposed to call him that he’s very “oh Dominic don’t cry, it doesn’t hurt I know it doesn’t hurt I only do it because I love you so much…” Dom said mimicking his Pop and then stopped and swallowed.

  
“Sounds like my Da,” I said.

  
“So then they’re right you do know. How bad it feels.”

  
“Yeah it’s not great,” I replied, “I don’t know why my mum bothered to stop me other then she cares more about everyone else.”

  
“At least she might care,” Dom said, “I don’t have anyone like I said.”

  
“You have us. Kind of,” I said and the bell rang.

  
“Are you ready to deal with Father Finick?” Dom asked as we started walking towards the building and back in the back door.

  
“Is he that bad?” I asked getting kind of nervous.

  
“Well, he usually is an equal opportunity groper,” Dom said, “I’ve never heard of him doing anything worse than smacking an ass or standing a little too close but I wouldn’t give him attitude.”

  
“Well, thank you for the warning,” I said.

  
“Yep no problem,” Dom said as we entered the classroom and took our seats.

  
“Ok everyone look at the people you’re sitting with, as promised after our safety review yesterday we are going to be starting our first lab of the semester,” Fr. Finick said, “These three people are going to be your lab partners introduce yourself and then someone come up here and grab your test tubes and other lab equipment.”

  
“I’m John,” I said looking at the other two guys across from Dom and I.

  
“I’m Alec,” Said a hefty kid who was quiet and looked nervous.

  
“I’m Mike,” Said another guy who had a bitch face that I would totally want to punch if he said the wrong thing.

  
“I’m Dom,” Dom said, “Now who is going to go get the test tubes and one of those jars of whatever that is?”

  
“Let the new kid,” Mike smiling said which made it very apparent why I wanted to punch him.

  
“Ok,” I said as Alec kind of snickered and I rolled my eyes.

  
I walked up to the front of the class room and grabbed the test tubes and then the jar of some liquid and Father Finick looked at me smiling.

  
“Be very careful with that,” he said, “I don’t remember you being around yesterday what is your name?” he asked me.

  
“John McGregor,” I said dreading saying my last name.

  
“I think I know your uncle,” He said eyeing me curiously, “Anyway this,” he said grabbing the Jar brushing against my hand as he touched the jar, “This is a jar of acid, do not open it until I tell you to ok?” he said.

  
“Yes sir,” I said and tried to move but he didn’t let go of my jar his fingers still brushing against mine.

  
“Your eyes,” he said quietly, “Something about your eyes.”

  
“Ah, ok would you like to keep the jar of acid or am I allowed to take it back to my group?” I asked.

  
“Excuse me,” Father Finick said, “I’ll be seeing you after class.” He said letting go of the jar abruptly and I took it back to my group.

  
“I don’t know what you did man but he is not happy,” Alec said.

  
“He told me to take the jar of acid and then wouldn’t let me take it,” I said, “What is up with people?”

  
“Well, he’s a creeper,” Mike said, “If I were you I would have tried to keep it together so I never had to be in a room alone with him and now you get to spent some time with him after class.”

  
“He’s not as bad as McClairen,” Alec said.

  
“Agreed,” Mike said, “I mean if you’re looking to be groped just stand close enough for him to touch you.”

  
“Eww,” I said out of reflex.

  
“Yeah eww I’d be afraid to be alone in a room with him,” Alec said and then stopped as if he was thinking of something, “Wait haven’t you been alone with him before?” Alec said looking at Dom.

  
Dom shrugged his shoulders. I took that from knowing Dom as much as I did which I had gathered was more than anyone else did that he didn’t want to talk about it and it was true. I sighed to think of another topic.

  
“Do you guys have siblings?” I asked trying to change the topic.

 

“Yeah,” Alec said I have two older sisters that go to saint Bernie’s.

  
“I have three younger sisters that go there too,” Mike said, “So have you been alone with him before Dom?”

  
“I think maybe we should focus on our lab,” Dom answered him.

  
“Oh come on dude, is he like a total pervert?” Alec asked smiling slightly like the topic was funny.

  
“I don’t recall ever spending time alone with father Finick no and if I had and he was a pervert I don’t know why you would want to talk about something so disgusting,” Dom said.

  
“Wow someone is hypersensitive,” Mike scoffed.

  
“Someone touched you bad as a little boy?” Alec asked laughing.

  
“Guys he said that’s enough can you stop it?” I hissed.

  
“What someone touched you dirty too?” Alec asked me.

  
“No it’s just something that you don’t fucking joke about so shut the fuck up ok?” I hissed trying to keep my voice quiet.

  
“Mr. McGregor we don’t use that type of language at this school, you will be seeing me after class, if I hear language like that again and you will be seeing the headmaster,” Father Finick said.

  
“Well, someone is spending time alone with Father Finick now,” Alec laughed lightly.

  
“I think I’m going to have a panic attack,” I said.

  
“Save it for later,” Dom whispered, “It might save you from being touched in a way you don’t really want to be touched trust me.”

  
“That didn’t help,” I said and Dom just shrugged his shoulders.

  
“What did he say?” Alec asked me curious.

  
“Why does it matter to you?” I spat.

  
“Because you two are weird,” Mike commented.

  
Just then the bell rang, “Ok before everyone leaves I would like it if everyone could please sign back in their equipment quickly and carefully. If you have acid in a tube, please very very carefully pour it into the sink on your station while the cold water is running. Leave your sink on I will come around and turn it off when you are all done. McGregor can turn his team’s equipment in last.” Fr. Finick said and Alec and Mike got up to leave.

  
“I think I’m going to be sick,” I said to Dom as the class started to leave.

  
“Just remember he only has ten minutes, if you’re going to be brave control the pace as much as you can,” Dom said and squeezed my shoulder sympathetically, “I’ll be at the end of the hall waiting so we can get to history.”

  
As soon as everyone else had filed out of the classroom Fr. Finick shut the door as I was pouring my acid into the sink as instructed. I turned and put our test tubes neatly back with the others and he came up close behind me making me freeze.  
“You shouldn’t speak like that,” Father Finick said quietly not touching me but not giving me room enough to turn around without bumping into him.

  
“I’m sorry sir, it won’t happen again,” I said grabbing onto the table to keep myself steady because I felt like I was going to fall over.

  
“I certainly hope not,” he said and I could feel his breath in my hair, “You’re the type of student that could use some discipline. I might have to tutor you after school.”

  
“You’re a little close,” I said not being able to stand the feeling of him being that close to me anymore.

  
“I can get closer if you like,” he said leaning forward and putting one hand on each side of the table beside mine his body flat up against my back, “If I know your uncle your used to doing certain things that I like to engage in if you catch my meaning.”  
Something in me happened where I felt brave. I figured I was already probably getting fucked tonight so why on earth did it matter? It seemed like everyone one of these perverts wanted a piece of me so why not give them a reason so I said, “If I didn’t before I can feel your dick against my leg now.”

  
“Oh!” he said backing up and grabbing my shoulder to spin me around, “Sassy, are we? I wonder what else you can do with that mouth.”

  
“You’re sick you know that?” I sneered.

  
“Yeah?” he asked putting his weight back against me using it to press me hard into the table behind me, “Want to see how sick?” he hissed forcing a kiss on my lips and his one leg in between mine so he was rubbing against me through our clothing.

  
I wanted to push him off but I figured that would earn me more trouble than it was worth and then I remembered what Dom had said. Control the pace. Control the pace I stuck my tongue in his mouth figuring that was probably what Dom had meant in away. If I could slow him down I might be able to get out the room without any of my clothes coming off or him touching me in an even more overtly sexual way. He took the bait wrapping his arms around my upper body holding me tightly. My stomach felt like it was trying to climb up my throat but it was working. He broke our kiss and started kissing on my neck using the table and my body to hold us up.

  
“I had no idea this was something you were into,” He chuckled into my neck grabbing my bulge in my pants making me jump.

  
“Ok slow it down,” I said taking his hand and moving it to my leg.

  
“How can I possibly be quick if I slow it down? You could come back after school, I could drive you home,” he whispered into my neck as his other hand reached for the tie of my school uniform and then the five-minute warning bell rang and he pulled away from me.

  
“I have a bus I have to catch to get home,” I said.

  
“Could still drive you home,” he said, “You have no idea how many boys I have tutored right there on my desk,” he said and both him and I glanced over at the desk covered in papers and other trinkets.

  
“You’d have to talk to my Da about that,” I said hoping he would catch my drift.

  
“I’ll call him and see what he says,” Father Finick said, “You can go.”

  
I took a minute to straighten my clothes out and then opened the door and left as quickly as I could. I literally felt like I was going to hurl but was glad I managed to get away with a dick grab and a French kiss because Dom made it sound like Father Finick had been known for doing much worse. I walked down the hall watching the crowd for Dom dark red hair and sure enough I saw him standing in the corner at the edge of the hallway.

  
“You ok?” he asked when I got to him.

  
“I think so?” I said, “That was not…”

  
“Yeah but you think he’s bad don’t piss father McClairen off,” Dom said.

  
“I think I already might have,” I replied.

  
“You haven’t even met him,” Dom said as he coughed slightly looking at something behind me.

  
“Nope I met him the morning,” I sighed, “He found Pat and I alone after you guys left in the bushes.”

  
“What were you and Pat doing in the bushes?” Dom asked sticking is tongue out at me.

  
“Nothing serious just, I don’t know,” I said shaking my head, “But it was enough to make him tell us what we were doing was a grave sin and then he …” I trailed off and Dom leaned closer so I didn’t have to say it any higher than a whisper, “he wanted me to blow him and Pat told him he wouldn’t let him do that and so Pat did it instead.”

  
“Oh shit,” Dom said shaking his head, “Pat really likes you because usually we don’t do that for each other.”

  
“I’d do it for my brothers,” I said.

  
“Yeah but they are your brothers so that’s different,” Dom said, “If I had brothers I know I’d do what I could to keep these guys away from them that’s for sure.”

  
“So I’m not some weirdo who likes hating himself?” I asked.

  
“No, you’re trying to protect the people most important to you. I get that,” Dom said, “Just sad it means you have to put up with what you do.”

  
“Thanks,” I said feeling a little better about myself and the choices I felt I had made about certain things even though there wasn’t a choice to be made at all but still nervous about Fr. McClairen, “I’m not sure I can do this class.”

  
“You can,” Dom said, “Just try to chill. Cole has this class with us so you’re not alone. I think you share an extracurricular with Cole, too right?” He asked.

  
“I don’t even remember we only have those on Wednesdays and Fridays, right?” I asked getting into my bag and pulling my course list out of the front pocket. I looked at it and it said study hall T.A.

  
“It says study hall T.A.,” I told Dom.

  
“That’s weird usually it tells you which T.A.,” Dom said.

  
“What’s a T.A.?” I asked.

  
“Teachers Aid, usually someone in seminary or a senior,” Dom answered, “Most of those guys are in the brotherhood, the seniors but you’re an untouchable so you should be ok if not tell your Da and they’ll get in big trouble trust me.”

  
I thought about levels again and how I didn’t know anyone’s really but Coles because I had asked. It made me wonder what my friends had to put up with. I looked at Dom carefully and this must have weirded him out because he squinted his eyes in reply, “What?” he asked me.

  
“Well, levels, I know where I stand and where Cole’s at but what about you?” I asked.

  
“Not that it’s any of your business but…” And Dom held up two fingers and then brushed his hand through his hair.

  
“Really?” I asked surprised.

  
“Yes, I’m lucky there’s not a lot of interest in me besides the obvious,” Dom shrugged his shoulders, “Most ones are “home schooled” and a lot of twos as well because people just don’t leave them alone. You won’t meet too many ones or twos though either so whatever.”

  
“So you have to…,” Dom cut me off.

  
“Could we just shut up about it? If we get caught talking about this my ass is grass so please,” Dom said looking around the hallway.

  
“Yeah, sorry,” I said. We started walking down the hallway into the bigger main hallway and straight across it into a very short hallway that looked like it wasn’t used to often and had very few classrooms. We walked into an open door. The room looked more like it had once been a private study of some kind but had since been turned into a classroom so it was small and couldn’t hold too many students. When he walked in Father McClairen looked up at us.

  
“You sit here,” he said to me and pointed to the front row, “I have to keep an eye on you.” He said as I sat down.

  
Just a few minutes before the bell rang Cole was one of the last kids to stumble in his hair slightly disheveled. He smiled at me and took the seat next to me winking. I honestly hadn’t seen Cole too excited about much of anything but I wasn’t sure if he was happy or just putting up a show.

  
“Hey,” I said looking at him.

  
“Hey, oh I had something I was dealing with,” Cole said trying to flatten his hair with his hand, “No big just some idiot.”

  
“What do you mean?” I asked curious and maybe a little too loud because Cole shook his head as if to say “not here.”

  
“Ok everyone open the history books in front of you and turn to page 394 today,” Father McClairen said, “I want you to read from page 394 to 410 silently and once we are done we will be discussing the reading in class and what you all think about it. When you are done reading please close your books so we know when the discussion can begin.”

  
I opened my book up to page 394 and there was a note sitting on the page that made my body go numb.

  
“spoke to your father, he will pick you up after school. You and I have something we should talk about. If you prefer not to talk to me I will be talking to your father and the leader.” – M.

  
I felt myself starting to panic. He was going to turn us in over nothing. We hadn’t even been kissing when he found us and yet that didn’t seem to matter. If he turned us in, we knew what was going to happen and I was certain that I would be the one that ended up chained to a weird table having my limbs amputated because of the threat Hank had made. This wasn’t looking good.

  
I tried to do the reading but my brain struggled to understand it even in the slightest. So, after struggling through five or six pages I shut my book because I saw that most people had already done so.

  
“Ok so if you did the reading like you were supposed to could you tell me what Roman Civilization was like before the founding of Christianity?” Father McClairen said.

  
Some boy in the back raised his hand and was told he could speak, “It was a polythetic society where they believed in many gods. There was animal sacrifice and godlessness.”

  
“Very good what else happened?”

  
“Lots of prostitution and slavery?” One boy asked.

  
“Raise your hand next time Mr. Johnson but, yes good answer,” Fr. McClairen said, “And this is proof of how godless they were because God says we are all equals in his eyes, we are each one of us his children and therefore we cannot make slaves of one another. Leviticus said “Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people but thy shall love thy neighbor as thyself.” This is an important message we cannot rule over one another only God can rule over man.” When he said that he met treat each other with kindness because we are family.”

  
Cole raised his hand.

  
“Yes Mr. Gables?”

  
“What does god say about Pederasty?” Cole asked and murmurs of confusion went up around the classroom.

  
“That is not a discussion we are having in this classroom, that is a godless act and a sin,” Fr. McClairen glared at Cole.

  
The same kid who had spoken without raising his hand before blurted out “What is that?”

  
“Something that is an inappropriate conversation which will not be talked about. The Romans were a Godless people and any and all such acts are a grave sin,” He said looking at Cole as he spoke, “Anyone who engages in such acts is earning a one-way ticket to the depths of hell.”

  
The whole room was still buzzing apparently; it was a word that very few of them had heard and if Vic hadn’t told me a couple weeks ago what it meant I wouldn’t have known either. I looked at Cole completely gob smacked that he would have the gull to bring it up. I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote “What the hell?” on it and passed it to Cole.

  
Cole looked at my note and wrote back, “You really want to be alone with him?”

  
My eyes got wide and I shook my head and wrote, “You want to suck his dick that badly?”

  
Cole gave me this look and then sighed, “No.”

  
“Boys quit passing notes,” Father McClairen said, “Read the next four pages and then the bell should be ringing, I want you to spend some time writing about other things the Roman’s did that were sins and please nothing that isn’t covered in the bible.”  
We opened our books and went back to reading until the bell rung. When the bell rung, everyone packed up their stuff and got up to leave and Cole sat with me as if to take a stance that this wasn’t going to happen, he wasn’t going to leave me alone with him. As the last person left besides Cole Father McClairen stood next to the door looking at Cole expectantly.

  
“You can leave Mr. Gables,” He said looking at Cole.

  
“I’m all right,” Cole said leaning back in his chair and putting his feet up on his desk.

  
“Mr. Gables I’m not asking you I’m telling you,” Fr. McClairen warned.

  
“And if I don’t?” Cole asked him.

  
“You could always take a trip to the headmaster’s office,” Fr. McClairen smirked and the smug look on Coles face dropped.

  
“You wouldn’t,” He said.

  
“Wouldn’t I?” Fr. McClairen asked.

  
Cole gave me this look and I nodded my head, “Go on,” I said. I hadn’t asked him to stay and while I knew he was trying to help me I didn’t expect him to put his ass on the line for me maybe literally. So, he sighed heavily and grabbed his bag and left leaving me in my seat staring at this guy who I knew was about to do something awful to me. Father McClairen moved and shut the classroom door then locked it walking up to his own desk and sitting down behind it.

  
“So,” he said and I braced myself for a command, “I talked to your father.”

  
“Yes, that’s what your note said,” I said.

  
“Don’t get snippy young man,” He warned me, “I didn’t tell him about your proclivities but whether it comes up in later conversation is on you. You do know what having a relationship will get you correct?”

  
“Death and torture, yeah,” I said.

  
“You have a death wish?” He asked me.

  
“I wouldn’t even call it a relationship we’re just friends,” I said.

  
“Just friends? You seem to be very close friends and if that’s all it was why would you come here?” He asked.

  
“Because I don’t want my friend to die because of a lie someone has decided is the truth,” I said.

  
“That is a very mature answer. I’m impressed,” Fr. McClairen said, “You can call me Gus outside of school hours, stand up,” he said standing up himself and starting to undo his tab so he could take off his shirt.  
“I don’t…” he cut me off.

  
“Do it or I will be having a talk with your Dad and the leader.”

  
“Is there anything else I can do?” I asked meaning an act where we kept our clothes on.

  
“As much as I like getting my dick sucked I personally enjoy the male form so no,” he said, “Come on.” He said meaning I needed to stand up.

  
I swallowed and got out of my seat slowly and I felt like my head was spinning. I didn’t want to do this especially not in a classroom. As soon as his shirt was off he draped it carefully over the back of his chair and started walking towards me slowly. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I always felt like I couldn’t breathe. He hovered inches from me without touching me as I leaned into the desk behind me.

  
“Scared?” He whispered still not touching me. I nodded my head and swallowed afraid if I said anything I would make him angry and then whatever this was would be off and he would tell my Da about Pat and I, “You don’t have to be scared if you’re a good boy.” He said as he reached out a hand and touched my cheek making me jump a little.

  
“No, you’re going to be fine,” he said as if trying to calm me down, “You’re a little young but, I’ve heard good things about you.” He said reaching for the tie around my neck and loosening it. I wasn’t sure exactly what he wanted me to do so I stayed still as he started to undo my shirt until he got to my school vest, “arms up.” He said and I did as I was told so he could pull my vest over my head along with my tie and he continued to unbutton my dress shirt. He then buried his face into my neck and lifted me slightly so that I was sitting on the desk his body in-between my legs as I leaned back clutching the edge of the desk to brace myself and I started trembling.

  
“you’re ok,” he said pulling my shirt off my shoulders and down my arms where it sat on my wrist and he pulled his undershirt off his hand then finding its way under the hem of my undershirt and up my chest.

  
“I—I,” I started to protest.

  
“You want me to tell him?” Gus said looking at me harshly his hand still on my lower rib cage.

  
The thing that I hated about it and still hate about it is every time one of them touched me no matter who it was this liquid cold fire spread over my body from my spine outwards almost freezing me in place no matter what I tried and it sent a painful shiver through my whole being deep into my center. Even was I got older and braver and better at fighting back or protesting that feeling stayed with me every time. It always knocked the breath right out of me and made me feel sick to my stomach.  
I shook my head in response and he buried his face up against my neck again I could feel the whiskers from his beard against my upper shoulder and neck scratching at my skin lightly as he gently kissed my neck his lips making contact with my body for the first time. The first kiss was gentle and slow almost like you might kiss someone’s cheek but the next kiss was more urgent, rougher sending what felt like a bucket of cold water over my body making me gasp.

  
“Feels good?” He whispered into my neck doing it some more his hand finding my belt buckle.as he pushed hard against me and I had to use my arms to hold up our body weight on top of the desk. I didn’t want this. I wanted to push him away but if I had moved my arms I would have fallen backward and he would have fallen forward on top of me laying us flat which was a position I had no desire to be in. I knew when he got my belt unbuckled he would be undoing my pants and then pulling them down so he could do things to me that I didn’t want done. I thought about what Dom had said earlier in the day about trying to control the pace again but couldn’t find the strength to protest or really even move under him as he moved me back slightly so he could put one of his knees up onto the desk against my crotch.

  
“ok,” I managed to choke out lightly trying to get his attention, “ok,” I said again hoping he wouldn’t ignore it if I said it again.

  
He stopped and pulled back a little bit, “If you really don’t want to do this I can always call and just tell him what I saw. I don’t play games Johnathan, so make up your mind what’s it going to be?” He said standing up straight and looking at me seriously his arms folded in front of him.

  
“Just let me think,” I said straightening up now that I didn’t have his weight leaning against me. I knew I had to decide fast before he made the decision for me but neither one was a choice I wanted to make even though they were the only two choices I had. I then thought of my water bottle that still had a little bit of Vodka in it that was in my bag so I bent over and grabbed it drinking the swallow or two that was left quickly. I thought of what I would have done if Pat had been my brother and what Pat had done for me earlier in the day and I made up my mind as much as I didn’t want to do it, I felt like it was the only choice I had.

  
“ok,” I said nodding my head making sure he understood I was agreeing to cave to his advances.

  
He smiled at me widely making me feel sick to my stomach, “Good choice,” he said going to one of the tables in the back against the classroom wall and pulling it forward, “Come here,” he said as I removed my shirt from my arms and left it on the desk at the front of the room. I went over and sat on the table top knowing that’s what he wanted me to do as he moved to the front of the room and opened his desk drawer grabbing something out of it which turned out to be a condom and small bottle of lotion. My thought at that point was well at least he doesn’t want to perform oral on me because I could deal with anal but not oral. He walked back over to me and stuck his face up against my neck again his hands rolling my under shirt slowly up my torso where he broke our physical contact so he could get my shirt the rest of the way off and then he reached for my pants climbing on top of me forcing me to lay down on the cold table top.

  
“I’ll be quick,” he said his hands in between us fiddling with my zipper and button. Just then there was a loud pounding on the door.

  
“Father McClairen are you in there?” a voice called out.

  
“Oh geeze,” Gus whispered climbing off me and picking my under shirt up off the floor which I quickly put on.

  
“Hold on just one minute,” He shouted out at the locked door. Going over to his own shirt at the front of the room and putting it back on trying to do the buttons up quickly and he pointed at my pile of clothes around my desk gesturing for me to put my clothes back on which I walked over to and numbly tried to do.

  
As soon as his shirt was on and straighten he called out, “Who is it?”

  
“It’s Luke the T.A sir I had some questions about 10th grade History for one of my pupil’s so I can better understand the material to be a better help,” the guy called through the open door. Fr. McClairen glanced at me and seeing that my shirt was mostly done up he unlocked and opened the door slightly.

  
“Yes, Luke?” He asked the guy through the cracked door.

  
“Well, it’s a question about the French revolution,” Luke said and then I saw him catch a glimpse of me from where he was standing, “What’s going on in here?”

  
“Nothing just tutoring a student,” Fr. McClairen answered as Luke tried to push past him to get into the room, “What’s the question?”

  
“Well,” Luke said moving around trying to catch a better look at me while I hurriedly put my vest back on my hands shaking, “What were the causes exactly, I know it had something to do with the monarchy but how exactly did it come about?”

  
“Well, people were unhappy with the extra taxation placed on the common population because of the involvement in the American Revolution this and the financial crisis that was placed upon the normal population push bad spending decision from the upper classes is what caused the revolution, try and remember all of this so you can help your students if you have any other questions I’m sure encyclopedia Britannica can help you,” He said trying to force Luke back out the door.

  
“Are you ok?” He asked directly at me, “You know you’re not supposed to be alone with students after school hours?” He asked Fr. McClairen.

  
“Yes, I’m aware I have permission from his father to help him with his course work, he had a bad case of mono earlier in the year so I’m helping him catch up,” Father McClairen answered without missing a beat and I nodded my head numbly.

  
“You should keep the door open,” Luke told Fr. McClairen. I wanted to go to the door and thank this young man for the rescue but I knew I had to finish what Fr. McClairen had started if I didn’t want him telling my Da about what he had seen Pat and I doing earlier that morning so I took a deep a breath and stared at the guy trying to keep myself calm.

  
“Thank you for the reminder Luke, I’ll be sure to follow it,” Fr. McClairen answered tensely, “now if you don’t mind this student and I still have a lot of work to go over,” he said trying to get Luke to move along.

  
“Hold on just a minute or two,” Luke said finally pushing past Fr. McClairen and into the room, “Are you ok son?” he asked me gently.

  
I nodded my head not looking up as he scrutinized me. He sighed at this.

  
“You know if there is anything wrong you can tell me,” he prodded, “There’s no reason to be frightened.” At this I would have laughed if my heart wasn’t trying to break free of my rib cage because there were so many reasons for me to be scared at that particular moment.

  
“I told you I’m fine,” I snapped.

  
“Ok, I didn’t mean any harm,” he said, “Fr. McClairen please for your sake keep the door open we wouldn’t those horrible rumors about you to start going around again,” Luke said and then left abruptly.

  
Fr. McClairen waited a couple minutes and then stuck his head out to make sure Luke was gone and out of the hallway before he shut the door and relocked it starting to undo his shirt again he then looked up at me noticing my lack of movement, “You do it yourself this time it will go a lot faster,” he mentioned which motivated me to take my vest off and start undoing my dress shirt again.

  
After a minute or two after I had gotten my shirt off and was pulling my under shirt off over my head Fr. McClairen laughed lightly, “That was close, wasn’t it? I wonder what he would have done if he had caught us in the middle of it.” He said going over to the table where I met him, “What do you think?”

  
“I don’t know,” I said, “He’s not in the brotherhood?” I asked.

  
“Luke, no he’s a senior T.A, he wants to go to seminary next year, he’s a good kid but naïve, he’ll make a prefect priest.” Todd said as I walked back over to the table in the back of the room and he supported my weight lightly so I could get back up on the table and he ran his hands over my naked chest again starting to kiss my neck forcefully again. After a moment, he pulled away, “your heart is beating so fast,” he said his hand over my heart, “Scared?”

  
“I don’t want to do this,” I said honestly.

  
“You could always not and I’ll just tell your father what I saw,” He mumbled into my neck as he started to force me into a laying position again.

  
“That’s not a choice,” I answered as his hands went back to the fly of my pants which he could undo more quickly this time sliding both my pants and underwear down around my ankles where he helped me flip over so I was laying on my stomach.  
“Goodness you are beautiful,” he said his hands grabbing my ass cheeks making me cringe. I hated that word. I hated everything it implied and hearing it directed at me. To me it implied I was less than a man or even a boy that I was something else besides that but not quite a girl or woman. I hated not feeling like I mattered or like I was something in-between genders because that’s not how I felt. He quickly took down his pants and prepaid himself and then squirted some lotion into his hand roughly shoving his finger inside of me to get my lubed up before he pushed inside.

  
“Ouch!” I said to let him know he was being rough.

  
“Sorry you have no idea how long it’s been for me,” he said climbing up onto the table top behind me as I supported my weight on my knees.

  
Hearing him say that made me very nervous because I knew it would hurt and that he wouldn’t really care and sure enough I had to bite my hand to keep from screaming out as he pushed as deep into me as he could go without giving my body time to adjust to his intrusion.

  
“Sorry,” he mumbled kissing the back of my neck as he grabbed my hips roughly giving me his first thrust which immediately brought tears to my eyes. I remember bracing myself against the table just waiting for it to be over and it was quick but not without pain and probably one of the most painful experiences I’ve had outside of my Uncle Ben and Hank. He finished quickly though and once he was done he pulled up his pants and got his clothes on while it took me a couple of minutes to be able to move because I hurt so badly and my legs felt numb from the knees down. When I finally did manage to move, I found I had trouble walking but managed to get my clothes back on just fine.

  
“What time is my Da supposed to pick me up?” I asked him.

  
“Around 3:00,” he said going over to the door and unlocking and cracking it just a little once I had my tie and collar straightened. I glanced at the clock which read 2:55 and sighed heavily. I had no idea how I was going to make it outside in a decent amount of time if I was in this much pain.

  
“Well, I guess I better start walking,” I said and he glanced up from a paper he had started to grade.

  
“Guess you should, we’ll do this again sometime. You spend time with me the less likely your secret is to get out remember that,” He said and I shrugged my shoulders and started walking slowly and painfully out the door and down the hall.

  
I remember not moving very fast but other than that the pain being ok until I saw the clock that read 3:05 and I was only half way to the door of the school where I knew my Da would be out front waiting. This wasn’t awesome I remember thinking to myself about how mad he was going to be but not being able to go any faster. When I finally made it outside he was right there the car pulled up to the curb waiting for me to show up.

  
“You’re late,” he said as I went and opened the back door, “Nope front.” He said.

  
“Da can’t I just please…” I started.

  
“No, front seat John,” he said patting the seat next to him while I slammed the back door shut after putting my backpack in there and walking slowly to the front seat then climbing in, “Did you have fun?”

  
“Does it look like I had fun?” I asked and I could feel my tears starting to well so I coughed and turned my head away.

  
“Someone did,” he said smiling like it was funny, “Don’t be so sensitive, this is good the more people that want you the faster you earn that money back for me. Even though this one was free,” he said, “Don’t be so sensitive baby. You don’t have to spend time with me tonight if it will make you feel better ok?” he said like that would make everything ok.

  
I felt like a whore. I felt disgusting and I knew it was partly my fault because I had allowed Pat and I to be caught almost kissing outside of school where we shouldn’t have been doing things like that. It made me angry at myself for being so stupid. And not only had I done it to myself but Pat had to do the same thing earlier in the day or nearly the same thing and now we were stuck with this nasty old man making us give him favors so he would keep his mouth shut about it otherwise we were risking death. My life felt wonderful.

  
“So how was school?” He asked me after we got only a couple lights away from home. I was still numb and in pain and I didn’t feel like talking at all.

  
“I’m a whore,” I whispered under my breath.

  
“What?” He said, “I didn’t hear you.”

  
“I’M A WHORE!” I screamed at him causing him to twitch.

  
“Don’t call yourself names it’s really unbecoming,” he replied simply as we pulled into the driveway.

  
I managed to swallow my rage and tears and took a deep breath, “Well,” I said after a minute, “People give you money so they can have sex with me what would you call someone who has sex for money or other gains?” I asked him and then without waiting for his answer grabbed my backpack out of the back seat and opened the car door starting towards the house. I was to the door with my hand about to turn the knob when I heard him get out of the car.

  
“A brotherhood bottom,” He answered my question.

  
“Fuck the brotherhood and fuck you,” I said for the first time in my life.

  
“You’re lucky you’re already sore otherwise you would be finding out what pain really is,” He hissed at my back as I opened the door and started up the stairs. It felt like it took forever to reach the elevator and I honestly just wanted to kind of fall into bed and die but decided a shower to wash that scum off me would probably be a good idea. I think I sat in the shower for a while before anyone bothered to come and see what I was up to and then I heard a knock on the door.

  
“What?” I shouted rather aggressively.

  
“Why weren’t you on the bus home?” Mike asked me.

  
“I had to stay after school,” I answered simply, “What do you want Mike?”

  
“Why are you so mad?” He asked.

  
“Because I want to be dead and I can’t be, so what the fuck do you want?” I asked him again.

  
“Geeze, I was going to ask for homework help but I can see you’re busy so I’ll go ask Will,” he said sounding hurt and he shut the door behind him before I could say anything else.

  
I was angry and tired of being used. I was tired of people not seeing me and not wanting me for anything other than my body. When I was done in the shower I drank myself into a stupor and passed out. I don’t remember eating dinner that night or anyone really talking to me but I remember waking up with a horrible headache before my alarm went off and drinking some more to stave off the hangover and then getting ready for school pulling my homework out at the kitchen counter upstairs and working on it a little before it was time to leave for school. I honestly didn’t want to go to school anymore.

  
“Hey,” Mike said eyeing me cautiously as he came out of his room fully dressed.

  
“Hi, sorry about yesterday,” I said, “I didn’t mean to yell at you I’m not doing very well lately,” I confessed.

  
“I just thought it was because you’re a teenager, that’s what mum says anyway,” Mike shrugged and this made me laugh slightly.

  
“It’s a little more than that but, maybe that could be a part of it,” I said.

  
“The other part is Da, isn’t it?” Mike asked averting his eyes from me, “What he does.”

  
I swallowed nodding my head, “Yeah.” This wasn’t something I wanted to talk about but, I knew his first time hadn’t been that long ago and that he was trying to process it still. The first time was the hardest for me and I was alone, had no one to talk to about any of it so if talking about it made it easier for him, made it so he could realize he wasn’t the only one I would do it no matter how much it hurt me as long as he could see that he wasn’t the only one suffering because of the things Da did.

  
“Does it always hurt like that?” He asked.

  
I took a deep breath, how did I explain it to him, “Well,” I said thinking of what to say, “It always hurts yes but sometimes it hurts differently than other times. Sometimes it hurts more like scraping your knee and other times it hurts different.”

  
“Like when he puts his mouth there?” he asked catching me off guard. I knew he was talking about oral sex and I figured eventually one of them would be bring it up I just wasn’t expecting it to be brought up at 6:00 in the morning before school. I sighed and shut my book.

  
“Come here,” I said and sat down on the couch padding the couch beside me. I didn’t want to scare him and I didn’t want him to feel ashamed of asking me so I swallowed my feelings the best I could and tried to answer his question honestly.

 

“That hurts yes,” I said, “I can’t explain how that hurts but it hurts.”

  
“Like your insides are ripping apart?” Mike asked me putting into words what I couldn’t, “Like your brain hates you and your body hates you and you have nowhere to go?”

  
“Yeah,” I said softly as he smuggled into my arm pit, “I know it’s scary and I’m sorry he did that to you.”

  
“I’m sorry too,” Mike said quietly, “I know you try to make sure we’re safe just like mum does. I’m sorry he does it to you too.”

  
I nodded my head and sat there with him in silence him tucked under my arm like we were watching a movie only the TV wasn’t on. Sitting with him made me feel calm even though I was still angry and bitter and feeling like everything was shit. Sitting with my brother reminded me of why I couldn’t just up and leave or make trouble because I had other things I had to do, other people I was responsible for other than myself. After a few minutes Mike sighed like he had something to say.

  
“What is it?” I asked softly.

  
“Mum doesn’t get it, does she?” He asked.

  
“I think she understands it to a point, it’s just not the same. Mum’s not a boy so I think there are things that she’ll never understand about it,” I said, “She tries though, I’m sure she tries.”

  
“It’s not normal, is it?” Mike asked me.

  
“No, it’s not,” I answered.

  
“Then why are some of the teachers…” I cut him off.

  
“Some of the teachers are doing that too?” I asked him really scared and upset at the thought that my Da was allowing other people and not just himself and Uncle Ben to do things to them because knowing that him and Uncle Ben were doing it was bad enough.

  
“No, just they stare at me weird like Da does, only sometimes though and not all of them but they’ve never done anything they just give me creepy looks,” He said which caused me to relax some.

  
“Stay away from those teachers, you got me?” I said.

  
“I know, I’m not stupid,” Mike replied.

  
“I didn’t think you were I’m just saying,” I said.

  
Just then Will appeared from down the hall and I knew everyone was slowly waking up and getting ready for the day and that I should probably go get some of the babies ready so mum didn’t have to. I got up and walked to the nursey and actually had no trouble changing and dressing both Andrew and Laura before mum showed up and it was time for us to leave for the bus. I wanted to talk to mum about what she had said two days ago about me giving her three days to figure something out in order to make everything stop but I didn’t want to say anything in front of anyone else so I just ignored the urge and went outside to get on the school bus.

  
When the bus pulled up I looked around for Dom and there he was waving me to the back a concerned look on his face, “Why didn’t you catch the bus home yesterday?” he asked me.

  
“You know why,” I said no wanting or willing to talk about it.

  
“Oh shit,” Dom said in response, “Are you ok?”

  
I shrugged my shoulders, “things could be worse I guess.”

  
“What get your ass grabbed again ginger?” Dick said as if it were the funniest thing in the world.

  
“Will you fucking shut it?” I said before Dom could say anything to defend me.

  
“Oh someone’s balls descended,” Dick snorted.

  
“Cut the shit I’m not in the mood,” I hissed.

  
“Or what? You think you could beat me up? I’d like to see you try,” Dick laughed.

  
“He’s not worth getting in trouble John, just try to chill,” Dom said touching my shoulder to get my attention.

  
“Yeah listen to your man in red,” Dick said making fun of our hair color, “Did you know you two could do a porno and make a lot of money together? Redhead porn is like a thing.” He said trying to be funny again.

  
“OH JESUS CHRIST SHUT THE FUCK UP!” I shouted and the whole bus turned to look at me.

  
“Well someone has a confession after mass today,” I heard some kid snicker.

  
“Mass?” I asked Dom.

  
“Yes, Mass takes the place of first hour today and then second is same and then lunch and then 4th hour and then we have study hall for homework.” Dom answered.

  
“Geeze,” I said.

  
“Yeah, if I were you I would go to confession because if you don’t they’ll put you on the list for detention and community service and well, community service for guys like us isn’t community service,” Dom said.

  
“Yeah, got it,” I said sighing. Was this really what my life was going to be like having to keep every toe in line or else have to worry about getting ass raped by some pervert? This fucking sucked no wonder so many guys from the brotherhood killed themselves before they made it out.

  
When we got off the bus I didn’t see Pat anywhere but I saw Cole right away and he rushed up to us, “Are you ok John?” Cole asked me.

  
“Yeah, I’m alive,” I said shrugging my shoulders, “Where’s Pat?”

  
“huh, just stuff he’s at home,” Cole said trying to avoid giving a straight answer.

  
“What do you mean?” I asked.

  
“You know like… stuff man,” he said trying to make it more clear to me what was going on.

  
“Should I be worried?” I asked finally understanding what “stuff” probably meant.

  
“I don’t think so, I mean I think he might be on crutches when he gets back but he also might not be, otherwise it’s same shit different day between his dad and mine anyway,” Cole answered.

  
Dom and I exchanged a look. Being two out of maybe a handful of redheads in the brotherhood we knew Hank well and what he was like. I think Dom and I shook our heads in unison and Cole sighed, “He gave me these,” he said pulling the pack out of his pocket, “If you guys want one.”

  
Dom and I shrugged and we headed into the bushes Cole handing out the smokes and lighter to each of us. It felt weird without Pat there and I was worried to be honest. I knew how violent Hank was and I knew how violent Arthur was and the two together was never anything good.

  
We smoked mostly in silence, “So Mass?” Dom said, “Do you have any confessions Cole?”

  
Cole smirked, “Don’t I always?”

  
“What about you John? Anything you want to confess?” Cole asked me blowing smoke in my face causing me to cough lightly.

  
“Like what?” I asked.

  
“Any secret rendezvous? Tender moments? Worries?” Cole said.

  
“Unless you count 30 seconds in the bushes where we didn’t do anything then no not really,” I said.

  
Dom sighed, “You know we’re supposed to confess about time we spend with anyone, right?”

  
“Woah, wait you mean like …” Cole cut me off.

  
“Anytime with …” And Cole used his tongue to poke the inside of one cheek while bumping his fist against the other in an obscene gesture.

  
“Eww no, I’m not talking about that,” I said.

  
“Well I can promise your Da has so if you don’t they will count it against you,” Dom said.

  
“What and McClairen did he confess about it too? Does everyone fucking know?” I asked and looked at both the shocked expressions on Cole’s and Dom’s faces.

  
“What?” Cole said slowly and then “shit.”

  
“McClairen might be grabby but I’ve never heard of him actually getting that friendly with someone, did he really do it?” Dom asked me surprised.

  
“Hey, I don’t ask you stuff, right?” I said defensively.

  
“Sorry,” Dom said, “I didn’t mean anything by it.”

  
Cole watched me closely, my body language and then coughed, “It’s ok you know? It’s not your fault.”

  
“Easy to say harder to believe ok? It’s probably the reason why Pat’s not here too and the reason why I’m leaving soon and it’s the fucking reason for every fucking problem I have in my fucking life,” I said and I could feel the burning in the back of my throat like I was going to start crying.

  
“You think this has to do with what happened yesterday?” Dom asked.

  
“Wait what am I missing?” Cole asked confused.

  
“Well,” Dom started but I cut him off.

  
“Pat and I were back here talking and Fr. McClairen caught us. He then said that he would Tell Hank and Da and the leader and so Pat blew him and he cornered me after school and made the same threat. I did what I had to,” I said trying to make it sound casual.

  
“Just talking?” Cole raised an eyebrow.

  
I stopped and reflected for a moment, “Well there is a slight chance he saw us kiss but it wasn’t like passionate or anything it was quick because we were afraid of being caught, I mean it might be quiet back here but it’s not exactly private,” I answered.  
“Ah, so on the off chance he really did see something you just…like that?” Cole asked.

  
“I don’t want Pat to end up dead because of something I didn’t do on the off-chance Fr. McClairen did see something yeah,” I answered.

  
“You could end up just as dead,” Cole reminded me.

  
“Yeah but who cares? I’m probably dead anyway,” I said, “Can I have another one?” I asked holding my hand out for another smoke.

  
“I have news guys,” Cole said smiling, “Pat and I are moving in together.”

  
“Are you serious?” Dom asked Cole looking shocked, “I mean don’t they feed off each other’s violence?”

  
“Of course they do and they enjoy it so, they have decided to move in together and we just get to go along for the ride to hell,” Cole said.

  
Just then the bell rang but it wasn’t the normal bell, it rang out in a melody sort of and Cole threw his half-smoked cigarette to the ground, “Ready to confess?” he asked Dom and I as we left our hiding place and started towards the chapel.


	20. 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mum keeps her promise but, it only gets them so far. Circumstances almost turn in John's favor, almost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking with me you are now on page 460 out of 809 of the first part. The second part so far has over 1000 pages so we'll see how many people actually end up reading the whole thing when it is fully published. 
> 
> Ok I'm going to give you a bit of a key here because there is CB lingo in this chapters. A pickle park is a truck stop where prostitutes tend to hang out and it's easy to pick them up, a bear is a cop usually a state trooper, a male buffalo is a male prostitute, an ankle biter is a young person, a good buddy is a homosexual, 10-4/4-10 is do you understand, Mickey Town is Orlando because you know Disney world= Mickey Town because Mickey mouse lives there. 10-6 is "hold on or wait up" or however else you would like to say "Yo man give me a second. Eyeballed means you're being watched. 50 as in "my 50 is..." means my location and yard stick is the mile marker that you see on the side of the road. I think that's just about everything but I'm not sure. If I missed something let me know. Warnings, Running away, Rape/non-con, forced oral, forced anal, bare backing, talk of suicide, swearing
> 
> Give me comments, let me know what you think? Is the Trucker part unneeded or does it just make things a little less rapey and should I leave it? Let me know.

When we got in we tried to sit as close to the back as we could and for the most part ignored what was going on at the pulpit. When it was time for confession we were told to go by rows and once we were finished we would take communion. I was one of the last ones to go and I wasn’t looking forward to it. I had no idea what I was going to say but when I entered the confessional I figured I should just be out with it so I was more or less ready.

  
When I entered the confessional, I heard the quiet whisper of the priest, “You have come to confess my child?”

  
“Bless me father for I have sinned is has been 3 months since my last confession. I have had impure thoughts, indulged in the drink and used tobacco, I have also fornicated outside of marriage,” I said back.

  
“What types of impure thoughts my child?” the priest said back.

  
“huh, Thoughts of impure deeds with another,” I said cringing as I said it.

  
“What types of impure deeds?” The priest asked.

  
“Sex outside of marriage,” I said and then coughed, “excuse me” I mumbled.

  
“You seem to be facing a lot of temptation in that department,” The priest commented.

  
“I am sorry father I have tried to lead a chaste and pure life but, circumstances keep getting the way of keeping myself clean and free of sin,” I said.

  
I heard the priest sigh heavily, “Say five hail Mary’s our mother of gods and pray for forgiveness my child. Ask God for help in remaining pure of heart and noble of mind, and seriously ask him because apparently, you my child are having a lot of trouble in that department,” the priest said and then said the prayer of absolution while I did my contrition and he said, “Go in peace and may god be with you.”

  
And I hopped out of the confessional and said my peace and then took my communion. I felt like I had done fairly well and was happy that whichever priest it was hadn’t pried too much into what exactly it was I was talking about because I felt odd enough having to confess after not having done so is such a long-time span. After I said my prayers I left the chapel and made it to the main hallway where Dom was waiting for me sitting on a bench.

  
“Are you ok?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah just kind of waiting, the bell hasn’t rang yet and I don’t want to be near the classroom until more people are lined up outside is all.” He answered.

  
“You look like somethings wrong,” I said.

  
“That’s what’s wrong,” Dom shrugged, “Fr. Barren might not seem that bad but everyone one of those guys has their favorites and I just…”

  
“You’re one of his?” I asked and he put his head in his hands and shrugged again.

  
“Not really but, you know how hard it is to stay sober? Especially when you have to look them in the face every day?” He whispered.

  
“I haven’t tried,” I answered.

  
“It’s not easy,” he said his eyes going wide and coughing.

  
“I have your back you have mine?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah,” he nodded his head just as the bell rang, we stood up and started walking towards math class.

  
We lined up outside the classroom quietly and he called us in. Other than the staring the hour went by uneventfully but I was dreading class with Finick. I was kind of dreading just about everything because my mum had said three days ago, to give her three days. Lunch was quiet without Pat present and the mood was not as happy as it usually was.

  
We got to Finicks class and I was only there a couple of minutes when a phone call came in and Finick told me I was wanted in the office because someone was there to pick me up. My stomach felt hallow and I thought I was going to be sick on the walk there but when I got there my mum was there with the rest of my brothers waiting.

  
“Mum what’s going on?” I asked confused.

  
“You guys have an eye doctor’s appointment,” she said, “Let’s go then,” and she walked us out to the car.

  
When I climbed in the babies were all in the van as well and there were a couple duffle bags in the back. Mike smiled at me and that’s when I figured it out. We were running. She had actually come through and we were leaving.

  
“Come on hurry up now,” she said as I hurriedly climbed into the passenger seat. I think we drove for hours and then stopped in the parking lot of a supermarket. I thought we were going to get out but my mum put her hand up.

  
“Hold on we’re waiting for someone,” she said watching the cars around us. After waiting in the car for maybe 20 minutes in silence a van pulled up and a man got out. At first I was terrified but mum smiled and the man came up and knocked on her window.  
“You’re McGregor?” the man asked her.

  
“We are,” She said, “How far are we going?”

  
“Can’t tell you just know I’m supposed to take half of your load so which five am I taking?” he asked.

  
“Do you have any car seats? Because I have five in car seats,” She asked and I realized she was talking about us.

  
“I have two car seats.” He answered.

  
“Ok John can you go with him and Catty and Will,” She said looking at us, “I’ll move Andrew and Laura,” she said taking off her seat belt and opening the car door.

  
“Mum I don’t know him,” I said.

  
“John for me please?” She asked me.

  
I shook my head, “I can’t mum I can’t.”

  
“Could you give us a minute?” She asked the man and he nodded walking away from the car.

  
“Honey he’s not going to hurt you and Catty and Will are going too, I need you to be a big brother please for me? I swear it he’s not going to do anything to you.” She said.

  
“Last time you asked me to do something for you I ended up doing something I…,” I stopped trying to catch my breath.

  
She looked at me quietly, “You can tell me anything, you know, that right?”

  
“I don’t know who he is mum. I don’t trust him,” I said.

  
“Honey you aren’t going to trust anyone for a long time, you need to try and trust me.” She said.

  
“Last time I trusted you, you let Da take me to a doctor’s appointment and he took me out to lunch and there was this guy and it ended badly,” I finished.

  
“Oh goodness,” She sighed, “Ok, all right. Ok Will can you go with Mike, Andy and Laura?” She asked Will.

  
“Yeah,” Will nodded, “I can do it.”

  
“Thank you,” I said.

  
“It’s not a problem honey, I’m glad you told me,” She said hopping out of the car and calling the guy back over. After a couple of minutes, they moved some people out of the car and then talked to him for a while, and then got back in.

  
“Everyone ready?” She asked.

  
“Mummy?” Catty asked, “Why did that guy take them?”

  
“In case we get stopped honey, that way not all of us get caught,” She said.

  
“Get caught?” I asked.

  
“We’re leaving the state we’re getting out, crossing state lines if your Da wants to stop me he can but he won’t get all of you this way, that guy is helping us get out of here,” She said, “Once we’re across the line he’s going to stop and we’re going to get back together again, it’s only for a couple of hours ok?” She said.

  
We drove for maybe three more hours the radio blasting until it was well into evening and the sun had gone down. We stopped in a McDonalds parking lot and everyone came back to the car. We drove for another half hour while we ate and then we ended up at a motel 6 where we stopped for the night and guy left us.

  
“Ok everyone here’s the deal, no one is leaving this room for anything. In three days, a woman is going to come by and we’re going to go with her. After that we will be given a new place to live and new names. You will not tell anyone your old names think of it like a game.” She said.

  
We watched a lot of cartoons from what I remember and I kind of just hung out and mum let me drink from the minibar to keep me out of withdrawal but after that when we got someplace safe I was supposed to go into a rehab center of some kind. She left the next afternoon to go get food and didn’t come back. She was only supposed to be gone for a couple of hours and when she didn’t come back after a while I knew something wasn’t right. After a while I heard a knock on the door and Catty ran to go answer it Will grabbing her holding her back.

  
“John, you need to look out,” he said, “mum has a key she wouldn’t have knocked.” And I nodded my head and checked out the peep hole.

  
Standing there was Hank, “Shit,” I said.

  
“What’s up?” Will asked me.

  
“It’s Hank,” I said and I could feel myself starting to shake.

  
“Wait the cop dude?” Will asked.

  
Hank banged on the door, “I’m supposed to come get you guys, it’s ok your mom told us you were here,” He said.

  
“Where is our mum?” Will called through the door.

  
“With your Dad,” Hank called back, “I’m supposed to be bring you home, Mr. Gables is with me he’s supposed to drive the Van back with you kids in it.”

  
“I’m not opening the door for you,” Will answered.

  
Hank laughed lightly, “I will call the cops here and break down this door. John your Da is on his way, he says he missed you, all of you guys he wants you to come home your mum misses you too, she loves you guys.”

  
“I’m calling them,” Will said going to the phone and dialing home, “Hi Da? Is mum there? Can I talk to her?” He asked, “Yeah mum, we’re ok but Da’s friend Hank is here and he said he’s supposed to take us home. I’m not sure that’s going to work. Ok Mum, yes I know we love you too,” Will said and hung up the phone.

  
“What did she say?” I asked Will.

  
“She said Da won’t let her leave the house and we need to go with Hank and his friend,” Will answered me.

  
“Ok, Will listen to me, you need to make sure Mac is sat in the back of the van if Hank is driving ok?” I said.

  
“Why?” Will asked me slowly worriedly.

  
“Don’t ask just keep him away from Hank ok? Please,” I said.

  
“All right,” He said, “Are you going to be ok?”

  
“Not really,” I said knowing what was probably going to happen, “I guess I have to be for now though I mean right?”

  
“John, I’m sorry,” Will said.

  
“Me too,” I answered.

  
“What’s going on?” Catty asked, “I’m scared where’s mummy?”

  
“Mummy’s at home Catty and these guys are going to take us home too,” Will answered.

  
“But mum was taking us away because Da does things he’s not supposed to,” Catty said, “So why did she go back?”

  
“She didn’t honey Daddy made her go back,” Will answered.

 

Hank pounded on the door, “Come on guys open the door,” he said.

  
Will looked at me because he knew too and it was one of the worst moments I can remember. Looking at my brother and knowing that he knew what was going to happen once everyone was packed up in the car and on their way home. I nodded my head and then opened the door.

  
“Hi Hank,” I said trying to stand as tall as I could and be as brave as I could even though I felt like I was going to fucking break staring him in the face.

  
“Hey kid,” He said smiling at me, “Help Arthur get everyone packed in the van.” He said and I grabbed Mac and took him out first making sure he was safe and then helped pack everyone else in. I went to go climb into the front seat and then realized none of our stuff was in the van and that it was still in the motel room.

  
“Come on kid, we’re going to get all of the stuff and put it in my car,” Hank said putting his hand my shoulder making me freeze up.

  
“Yeah,” I said quietly as Will looked at me.

  
“No, come on please?” Will begged for me.

  
“He’ll be fine I just need some help you’ll see him when you get home,” Hank said as he shut the passenger side door for me and the van drove off, “Come on let’s go,” He said starting to walk towards the motel room door. He held the door open waiting for me to follow him.

  
“This is going to be bad, isn’t it?” I asked stopping just short of entering the room.

  
“Well, according to what your Dad told me you’re the reason she decided to leave and apparently, I’m not allowed to do too much damage because your dad wants to be able to make you suffer so, not too bad,” Hank answered honestly, “Don’t you dare think of running, I see it in your face and if you do I’ll find you. If you go to the cops who do you think they’re going to believe some punk runaway or a fellow officer?”

  
“Do you have any cigarettes?” I asked him and he nodded handing me one and a lighter, “Thanks.” I said lighting up.

  
“People usually smoke after you realize?” He asked me.

  
“Don’t try to joke with me,” I snapped taking a drag.

  
“Don’t pretend you aren’t consenting,” He said back.

  
“I’m not,” I shook my head my tongue touching my back molar as I felt the tears starting to rise in my eyes.

  
“Well, no offense but you don’t seem to be fighting it,” He commented.

  
“Like I could? You’re a lot stronger than I am and we both know it so why should I try?” I asked.

  
“I have question I’ve always wondered what it feels like to know you’re about to be fucked. So how are you feeling?” He asked smiling at me.

  
I glared at him and shook my head. This was fucking bullshit, if he had his weapon on him at that point I would have grabbed it from him and shot myself in the head. I hated him and I hated what was about to happen and I knew there was nothing I could do about it and worse yet I knew when I got home I was going to have to deal with more of it. My skin was crawling and I was honestly smoking just to stall him to see if I could calm myself down because I knew the moment he got me in that room alone I was going to scream and it was going to hurt in so many ways. He let me finish my cigarette and I threw it on the ground.

  
“Come on then,” he said standing back so I could go inside. When I got in the door he shut it and locked it.

  
He didn’t even really give me a chance to turn around before he was holding me and grinding against me. I felt like I couldn’t breath and I knew he didn’t care so I didn’t say anything. Honestly, I was hoping I passed out before he really did anything as he reached around my waist and started undoing my pants shoving his hand down the front of my underwear rubbing me roughly.

  
“Just relax,” he said as he walked us forward allowing my pants to fall to the ground and walking forward leaving them in a pile on the floor my whole body tensing while I started to shake and he started kissing the back of my neck. He touched me a certain way that made me gasp as he pushed me slightly making me fall onto the bed in front of us. I was expecting him to jump on top of me but instead he rolled me over so I was laying on my back looking at him.

  
“You’re going to hurt yourself you stay that tense,” He said looking at me and grabbing my underwear at my waist and pulling it off so I was naked, “Just relax,” he said again standing over me and then leaning forward starting to kiss and bite my neck.  
“I can’t do this,” I said trying to push him off me and sit up, “I can’t do this,” I said again starting to fight against him, “Stop, stop,” I said as he pushed me harder against the mattress biting into my neck hard enough to make me stop fighting back and licking down the right side of my chest biting into my hip and drawing blood, making me yelp in pain.

  
“Please, please don’t do this,” I begged him as I started to hyperventilate as his tongue made a trail moving towards the center of my pelvis as he used his hands to hold my arms tight to my side. He stopped and looked up at me smiling.  
“You know you want me to,” He teased, “You know it feels good and it will help you relax.”

  
“No, no,” I said my whole body shivering and every inch of me tingling in a sick way from the roots of my hair to my toes as he licked down my shaft and started licking my tip. I remember staring at the white ceiling trying to count the tiles as he sucked me off not even bothering trying to hide the fact that I was crying silently as he did it and as my body betrayed me.

  
“Good boy,” he said after his was done wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, “Don’t cry,” He whispered in my ear, “I know it felt good,” he said standing up and taking off his pants pulling a condom out of his pocket as he allowed them to drop to the ground.

  
“How can you enjoy that?” I asked him my body still trembling.

  
“Well,” he smiled at me slightly, “It’s kind of a power trip to be honest. Knowing you can make someone cum really hard. It doesn’t taste too bad either. You want to know my big turn on though?” he asked me like he thought I really wanted to know, “Watching your face as I fuck you.”

  
I felt like he had punched a hole in my stomach with his fist, “The faces you make when I hit all the right places that really gets me going. You especially your face is so expressive I mean if I could watch your face while I gave you blow job I would but, my face is kind of busy when I’m doing that. Some guys get off on the feeling of being inside and its nice trust me it’s really awesome but knowing that I’m making you feel so many things, such pleasure even if you are resistant to it just makes me that much harder.” He said as he put lube on himself and climbed on top of me and I felt his hardness rubbing against my entrance.

  
“I mean I also enjoy the noises, the screaming is nice sometimes too but the gasping and begging really get me off,” He said as he started to push into me and I hissed in pain, “Just relax, give it a minute ok?” he said watching me as I tried to keep my face expressionless. He waited probably a good two or three minutes before he gave me the first thrusts.

  
“Oh,” I more hissed then moaned because it hurt, it always hurt. Even if they managed it hit the right spot it still hurt.

  
“Yeah?” He asked me doing it again and I felt my eyes go wide even though I was trying to keep my face expressionless because of what he had told me. I wanted to scream too but apparently just about anything I did was enough to make him more excited so I couldn’t win no matter what I did. I think he wanted to hold off on climaxing as long as possible just so he could watch my face because he tried to go slow each thrusts a couple minutes or so after the last one instead of a consistent pounding against me, inside of me. Each thrust making my eyes go wide and my breath catch in my throat sending a pressure through my body making me feel like I had to piss.

  
“shit,” I hissed after a couple of really deep penetrations and he seemed to like that.

  
“Am I hitting it?” he asked me and he started talking to me saying things like “good boy” and “you feel so good” as he started to go harder and faster. At this point I just wanted it to end and I couldn’t stand it anymore and I was trying so hard not to scream until he hit a spot that he managed to keep hitting that made me lose my breath and my eyes started to roll. He looked at my face and grabbed my chin hard bringing me back.

  
“No, eyes on me,” he said continuing to thrusts as my eyes started to roll again, “No come on baby eyes on me, oh shit yeah,” he said as he started to cum inside me and I could feel the tears on my face as I bit my lip trying not to scream. When he was done, he rolled off me leaving me frozen in place hoping that he was finished and he would leave me alone and instead he pulled me to his chest kissing me along my jaw bone and neck.

  
“Stop,” I said trying to push him away which just made him angry and he grabbed me by the throat and squeezed.

  
“Be nice,” he hissed at me using his body weight to press me hard into the bed as I closed my eyes waiting for him to cut off my air. He stopped squeezing before it got to that point the pressure he exerted on my windpipe not enough to cut off my air but to make me feel uncomfortable. I didn’t know what he was doing and I didn’t dare open my eyes to figure it out until he let go of my neck.

  
“Sorry,” He said getting off me, “Your Dad said not to hurt you.”

  
I snorted and moved to get up. Like I really cared what my Da had told him? Like any of it really mattered anyway. He grabbed my arm holding me down the bed causing me to freeze again.

  
“How about we talk?” He asked me.

  
“Can I go shower first maybe?” I asked trying not to sound angry and bitter.

  
“Not yet,” He said looking me up and down making me wish I had clothes on, “I’m not sure I’m done yet.”

  
“Why do you want to talk to me?” I asked.

  
“Well, I can’t beat the shit out of you and I want you to understand something,” he said.

  
“Yeah? What?”

  
“Whatever you have going with Paddy has to stop,” he said.

  
“It was well on its way to stopping when you pulled up and took my mum home to him,” I spat angrily.

  
“Your dad loves you guys, that’s why he wanted you back. You know what types of things happen to kids out there? Bad things and your mom doesn’t have the skills that she needs to be able to support all of you on her own so you know where you would end up? Sleeping with everyone who looked at you that way just to get a penny so you could feed yourself. You want that life? Because your Dad doesn’t want that for you,” Hank said looking at me closely.

 

“Why he already does that for me. I know you pay him for…,” I trailed off not wanting to think about it or talk about it.

  
“Yeah but I’m the only one besides Arthur. You could be having to sleep with 100’s of guys but your dad is only letting me because he cares about you. If you wouldn’t have told that guy everything about us, the brotherhood you wouldn’t have to be with me at all you realize? He had to pay out a good deal of money to keep your name out of that bowl just think of it as paying him back for his investment,” Hank said.

  
“You’re not the only one,” I said feeling ashamed just thinking about it, about Leo about how my Da didn’t seem to care at all what Leo had done to me because he was busy getting his own needs met.

  
“Really?” Hank mused, “He must have paid more than me and I’ve paid a nice amount of money for you. You’re worth every penny though,” he said reaching his hand between my legs grabbing my penis again.

  
“Don’t!” I said grabbing his wrist. I didn’t care how much money he was paying I didn’t want to do this. I hated not having control of my body, of who touched me and how. I hated being an object.

  
“You said earlier you know I’m stronger then you, why don’t you just lay back and enjoy it?” Hank asked standing to rub sending a jolt through my body.

  
“Please, I don’t want to,” I gasped as he started to rub faster making me hard, tears coming into my eyes.

  
“You know it feels good,” He said starting to kiss on my chest and collar bone his hand continuing to work sending jolts of unwanted pleasure through me.

  
“I don’t want it to!” I moaned my breath becoming heavy as the pressure kept building.

  
“You’re amazing,” He breathed into my neck as I squeezed my eyes closed trying to shut it out. Shut out the way he was making my body feel as he kissed me and moved his hand up and down. I hated my body and I hated the fact that my body responded the way he wanted it to and that made him think I wanted it, “Just relax, it feels good, doesn’t it?” he cooed into my ear.

  
I started moaning despite my best efforts as he caressed my body and I started to climax. After I was done he wiped his hand on the blanket wiping my cum off his palm and then took his dirty condom off pushing his shoulders up under my knees. I knew my Da would want him to use a condom and I knew he didn’t have one.

  
“DON’T!” I said forcefully trying to pull away as he shoved into me again causing my breath to catch.

  
“GOD YES!” He moaned bucking into my prostate hard as I whimpered underneath him and he held my hips tightly his nails digging into my hip bones scratching me roughly as I tried to pull myself up and off him.

  
“STOP!” I screamed again as he pushed his body weight forward into me so he could start kissing my neck and chest even though he was hurting me and he knew it. I was afraid he was going really hurt me so I froze trying to keep myself from squirming.

  
“God I love watching your face as I fuck you,” he hissed into my shoulder as my eyes went big and he rammed against my prostate making me become erect again, “Yeah?” he asked smiling at me as I whimpered underneath him and he started to thrusts faster, “That’s right baby take it let me fill you!” he moaned as he climaxed into of me the feeling of him squirting up inside me causing me to freeze my eyes wide and mouth frozen open in a silent scream as the feelings caused me to involuntarily orgasm my whole body tensing as I came all over my stomach.

  
He licked down my chest moving his weight off me so I could get my legs off his shoulders and he started licking my cum off my stomach making me gasps some more. When he was done, he kissed my cheek and then stared at me hard, like he was contemplating something, “God you’re beautiful.” He said his gaze unrelenting making me shiver with its intensity.

  
“Can I go shower now?” I asked numbly.

  
“Yeah, I’ll get the stuff packed up and we’ll head out,” he said going over to his pants and picking them up off the floor, putting them on and doing his belt up quickly.

  
I didn’t wait for direction but walked to the bathroom as fast as I could and shut the door behind me turning on the water. I turned it on as hot as I could and scrubbed myself hard and trying to rinse myself out. I felt dirty and used my legs still shaky and unstable underneath me. I let the water run on me hot just long enough to feel clean on the surface. I didn’t want to stay in the shower too long for fear my nakedness might grab Hank’s attention causing him to attack me again. I didn’t even want to ride in a car with him back home and if I had really had a choice in the matter I wouldn’t have gone home at all. After I dressed quickly my hair still wet and uncombed I opened the door to find Hank laying on the bed, the TV on as he channels surfed waiting for me to finish.

  
“Good you’re done I was starting to get bored, if you would have taken much longer I was going to join you,” He looked at me smiling in a way that made my stomach turn, “Let’s go.” He said getting up off the bed and we both walked towards the door right before he turned the knob he turned to face me and took a couple steps toward me causing me to take a couple steps back, “wait,” he whispered looking down at me putting his hand on the back of my neck as I tried to back away and he quickly shoved his tongue in my mouth kissing me hurriedly and roughly.

  
My immediate thought was “oh shit not again, please not again” as his tongue rolled across mine and he started to back us into the wall pulling my shirt out from my pants that I had tucked them into his hands sliding roughly up my bare stomach making me want to punch him and pull myself away as his fingers touched my bare skin feeling like cold fire spreading across my body.

  
“Shouldn’t we be leaving?” I reminded him as he broke the kiss to start licking and biting on my neck starting to undo the shirt I had just put on. This snapped him out of it and he looked at his watch and then sighed.

  
“You’re right we should,” he agreed with me, “Let’s go.” He said walking to the door and opening it waiting for me to pass through out into the night that seemed so terribly dark against the artificial brightness of the hotel room lights. I sighed and walked to the car. I knew better than to climb in the back seat so when he unlocked it I opened the door and climbed into the passenger side trying to stay as close to the door as possible because I didn’t want him touching me.

  
We drove for a while listening to the radio in silence and I must have fallen asleep because I remember him waking me at a truck stop so I could use the bathroom, his hand rubbing my shoulder and neck to rouse me making me jump awake like he had electrocuted me.

  
“Bathroom break, I need gas too,” he said putting the car in park and parking in a parking space. I looked outside. We were at a truck stop/gas station. The huge semi’s surrounding it making the car seem too small to be allowed. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and noticed young men and women walking in-between the enormous trucks sometimes stopping and hopping up into a cab with the help of a trucker while others roamed in-between them like roaming in-between nomadic buildings that didn’t stay very long in one place.

  
I got out of the car still sleepy and slightly clumsy on my feet shutting the door and walking towards the bathrooms without really waiting for Hank. When I opened the door, I heard moaning coming from a bathroom stall and saw high heeled shoes underneath along with a pair of sneakers. I knew about prostitution but had never seen it up close and personal only engaged in the act myself. Just then Hank came in and clapped me on the shoulder startling me as I stared at the shoes and he laughed loudly causing a commotion inside the stall as the couple scrambled to make themselves decent and exit. When the door swung open a young woman walked out who was too thin and too tired with dark circles under her eyes and brown hair that looked like it needed to be washed.

  
“Hey,” Hank said putting his hand on my shoulder looking at the couple “You didn’t need to stop we don’t mind.” He said breathing against the back of my neck making me freeze up.

  
“Well I do,” The trucker said roughly as the woman left bathroom in a hurry, “Isn’t he a bit young for that?” he asked reading Hanks body language.

  
“I’m taking him home to his parents,” Hank said letting me go where I hurried into a stall shutting the door.

  
“I don’t care what you are supposed to be doing with him you know better,” The trucker hissed, “Is he really taking you home kid?” He shouted in my direction.

  
I sighed heavily, I didn’t want to deal with this right now I just wanted to go home and this truck stop didn’t seem like a good place to be, “Yes, he’s taking me home.” I answered the man politely.

  
“Are you sure you want to go with him? I can call someone,” The trucker asked me. I would have loved for this guy to call someone but knew that would get me a beating faster than anything else and not from Hank but probably from my Da, “I can’t believe you’re such a pervert putting your hands on that boy like that.” The trucker growled at Hank.

  
“I don’t know what you think is going on here but I think you misread something,” Hank said to the guy, “I would never do that to a kid.”

  
“You look the type,” The trucker said bluntly, “People like that come through here and frankly I think it’s sick.”

  
“I agree that type of behavior is sick, I’m a cop in a different state I’m against abusing young people, and how old was that girl you were with?” He asked the trucker.

  
“Old enough to make her own decisions,” The trucker replied, “I believe we’re done here.” The trucker said hurrying out the door to which Hank laughed.

  
“Asshole that girl couldn’t have been older than 18,” Hank muttered, “and he thinks he can judge me and what I was doing which wasn’t nearly as suggestive as he implied it was.”

  
I decided since I was in the stall to just pee there because who would want to in front of someone like Hank anyway so I did what I had to do and washed my hands as Hank used a urinal after a moment some guy walked in and was eyeing me, giving me that look that I had become way too familiar with and Hank saw the guy eyeing me and smiled at him.

  
“Want to get me some gas money Johnny?” Hank asked eyeing the man and then gave a nod directed at him, “You into it?”

  
“Hell yes, does he blow?” The man asked looking at me making my stomach drop.

  
“For fifty bucks, he’ll do whatever you want him to,” Hank said to the man.

  
I could tell my eyes were wide with fear as I shook my head from side to side. My Da would not have allowed him to do this, “No,” I said knowing I was very much trapped in the bathroom with the two of them who were talking about me as if I wasn’t a person at all.

  
“He’s one of those?” The guy asked.

  
“What do you mean?” Hank shot back.

  
“Working off a debt even though he doesn’t want to do it,” The man answered.

  
“Well, he’s my friend’s son I’m taking him home but I’ve given his Dad a good deal of money this little fucker can earn me fifty bucks,” Hank replied.

  
“I’ll tell,” I said making sure Hank knew my stance. I might not be able to keep Hank from touching me or my Da from pimping me out but I knew Hank didn’t have permission to do the same with me.

  
“Are you sure you’d want to do that?” Hank asked measuredly, “I can make your life very difficult if you do. What about those brothers you have at home? how much do you love them? Want me to hand your Dad some cash for one of them?”

  
I swallowed hard. So, my Da or uncle had shared my weakness with him. They both knew all they had to do was threaten one of my brothers and I would relent and allow them to do whatever they wanted to me with minimal resistance. I was definitely killing myself when I got home hopefully before my Da could touch me.

  
I felt frozen like a sculpture of ice, “PLEASE HANK, PLEASE,” I said loudly as I started shaking and crying despite myself, “PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME, I’LL DO ANYTHING WITH YOU, YOU WANT ME TO BUT DON’T MAKE ME DO THAT WITH HIM.” I stated.

  
The random guy smiled looking between us watching Hanks face and once he saw Hank was really thinking about it his smile started to fade, “Oh come on that’s not fair,” he said.

  
“What do you think you can do for me that you haven’t already done?” Hank asked me.

  
I felt sick to my stomach but I wasn’t going to blow this guy and I wasn’t going to let this random guy fuck me. I was tired to dealing with people I didn’t know, people like Leo at least Hank I knew what he would do, I knew what he wanted. I found myself automatically unbuttoning my shirt on auto pilot and throwing over the top of a stall door, “I can be good.” I said quietly lifting my under shirt up over my head and throwing it over top of my button up.

  
“What if I want you to fight?” Hank asked me.

  
“I can do that too, whatever you want,” I said softly taking a couple steps towards him.

  
“What if I want to watch you blow him?” He asked me and I stopped.

  
He really wasn’t going to give me a choice in this at all? I felt horrible about myself and I knew there was no way out of this. Hank looked at the guy and then looked at me his eyes shifting back and forth between us like his brain was trying to solve some complicated math problem and then he smiled gleefully.

  
“Are you into sucking dick?” Hank asked the guy.

  
My stomach turned sour and I started gagging so hard I ran into the stall and managed to throw up in the toilet before I threw up all over the bathroom floor. I didn’t want this guy touching me like that. I didn’t think I could deal with it, having his hands or his mouth down there, it was bad enough that my Da and Hank got off on it I didn’t want another person touching me like that. That was where I drew the line.

  
“What do I get out of it?” I man asked raising an eyebrow at Hank curious.

  
“A tight hole to fuck for free, without a condom you must pay extra though,” Hank said, “I want to see his face as he cums because he has an amazing face when I fuck him I think the look he gets when he’s coming while being blown would be even better,” Hank said behind my back as I was leaning over the toilet.

  
“Ok,” the man said.

  
“Come here Johnny,” Hank said beckoning me forward with a hand gesture.

  
I gulped and shook my head vigorously, “No.” I said slamming the stall door shut and locking it pulling my feet up onto the toilet so they couldn’t grab my ankles and pull me out from underneath.

  
“John don’t make me angry,” Hank spit.

  
“I WON’T DO IT,” I shouted back forcefully.

  
“You said you would,” Hank reminded me, “Anything I wanted in order to keep me away from them. If you tell your dad do you really think he would believe you anyway?”

  
“I won’t do it,” I said again quieter this time wishing there was some way out of that bathroom or wishing someone would come in so that I could have a chance to leave because I doubted they were going to continue to hold me captive in there if someone else were to walk in. I did something I hadn’t done of my own accord in quiet a long time I closed my eyes and I started praying even as Hank continued to try and get my attention in a calm manner. I prayed so fucking hard and for once God answered my prayers as the trucker from before walked into the bathroom and I heard him shouting.

  
“Why the fuck are you still here if you’re supposed to be taking that kid home? Where is he?” The trucker demanded.

  
“Well this just got a lot less fun,” The other guy sighed, “I’m out.”

  
“Fudgepacker?” The one trucker said making it sound like a question as the guy left the bathroom pushing past the trucker, “Oh hell no, where is that kid?”

  
“Here,” I said quietly.

  
“Come out here son I’m not going to hurt you,” He said calmly, “They aren’t either I promise you, you can come out.”

  
I numbly placed a foot down on the floor and looked out the thin crack between the door and the stall frame to see what was happening outside of it. I saw the guy in his red baseball cap standing in front of the stall door his body language relaxed and his eyes sad and heavy. I sighed and slowly opened the stall door a little.

  
“That’s it come out here, I’m not going to hurt you I swear it on my mother’s grave kid,” He said backing up a little as I opened the stall door the rest of the way and slowly stepped out, “Are you ok?” he asked me cautiously.

  
I looked at Hank nervously and the Trucker must have noticed my body language because he stepped in front of Hank blocking his view of me, “Don’t look at him for permission I’m asking you. Are you ok?”

  
My nervous tick kicked in and I touched my tongue to my back molar and shook my head just barely in hopes Hank didn’t see.

  
“Ok, you can come with me,” The guy said as I stared at him cautiously. Afraid Hank wasn’t going to let me leave with this guy who was trying to protect me, “Come on he won’t touch you, we’re calling a couple friends.”

  
“And who do you think you are? This kid is in my custody which was entrusted to me by his parents, what right do you think you have?” Hank asked, “What’s your name?”

  
“My CB tag is Outlaw and its Outlaw for a reason so get the fuck out of my way this kid is coming with me,” He hissed causing Hank to fall back a few steps as he circled his arms around me careful not to touch me so I could walk past Hank safety.

  
Once we were outside he opened the door to his rig and told me to climb up into the bench which I did so with a bit of difficulty, “How old are you kid?” He asked me gently.

  
“thirteen,” I answered.

  
“That guy isn’t very nice, is he?” He asked me.

  
I just shook my head, “He’ll kill you.” I said after a minute because I knew it was true at least partly if Hank didn’t kill him the brotherhood would find someone else to do it for Hank.

  
“Ok kid listen to me, no one is going to kill me I don’t care who that guy says he is no one does that to a kid in front of me, you got it? I’ll worry about me now where are you from?”

  
“Union Park Florida,” I answered, “Why?” I asked.

  
“I’m not going to Florida I just came from there but, I know some decent people that will get you home people who won’t hurt you, or where ever it is you want to go,” He said to me picking up his radio and pressing the button on his CB Radio, “ This is Outlaw my 20 is at the pickle park off of route 285 near the yardstick heading north I need some assistance looking for anyone heading to Mickey town that is southbound anyone copy? Over”

  
The radio crackled lightly and then through the speaker came “Outlaw this is Big papa I’m 51 to you headed south towards Mickey town what is your situation? Over.”

  
“I have an ankle biter that needs a ride into Mickey town found himself apart of a 10-77 I think he’s a Male Buffalo 4-10 over?” He said back.

  
“Ahh, Outlaw I think it would best of you contacted the Bears on that, over,” The radio crackled back.

  
“Well Big papa man I found him with claims to be a bear over,” Outlaw said.

  
“A good buddy cop? Over,” the guy said back and you could hear amusement in his voice.

  
“No idea just need some help here getting to Mickey town is all copy over,” Outlaw sighed looking at me.

  
Just then someone banged on the side of the rig making me jump, “10-6 big papa I’m being eyeballed, copy over?” Outlaw said looking out his window.

  
“Copy over,” The radio crackled back.

  
“I told you he’s not going with you, you are getting his parents here or he’s finding another way home, so how the fuck can I help you?” Outlaw said as he rolled down his window annoyed.

  
“I have a cell phone, talk to his dad,” Hank said and I assumed he was holding the phone up because Outlaw turned to look at me.

  
“Stay in here,” he said to me as he hopped out of the cab and shut the door behind him leaving me there by myself. I sat there in silence waiting for the radio to crackle so I could possibly say something cool but I didn’t hear anything while I waited. I wondered what they were talking about whether he was going to be able to talk outlaw into allowing me to leave with Hank or not.

  
“Ok,” Outlaw said opening his truck up, “Come down, I talked to your Dad and he said you have to go with him,” Outlaw said looking at me.

  
“Ok,” I said quietly hopping down.

  
“Listen I would get you another ride if I could but I was told they would call the bears on me and I can’t deal with right now I have time I have to keep sorry kid,” he said.

  
“I get it, it’s fine hopefully he’ll just take me home,” I said thinking about all the trouble this guy had gone through how he was probably a dead man walking.

  
“Take care of yourself,” he said looking at me seriously.

  
“Thank you, for trying,” I replied and walked over to Hank who stood beside me careful not to touch me in front of Outlaw.

  
Hank turned and started walking towards his car and I reluctantly followed climbing in and waiting for something really really bad to happen to me once his door opened and he climbed in beside me but instead he sighed and started the car pulling out of the parking space and then the rest stop and back onto the road.

  
After about an hour of silence he sighed and glanced in my direction, “So were you really going to run off with a trucker? Become someone else’s whore or wait for the brotherhood to find you so they could tear every limb from your body? How on earth did any of that seem like a good idea to you?” He hissed.

  
“I didn’t want to,” I sighed hugging myself.

  
“Don’t you understand it doesn’t matter what you want, you belong to us, the people who gave you that brand. You are cattle when are you going to accept that and bend over,” Hank hissed at me making me flinch, “You misbehave and you’ll have a lot more problems than who your daddy is handing you out to I promise.”

  
“Do I have control over anything?” I asked glumly.

  
“When you sign your contract when you turn 25 then you have control until then you eat, breathe, talk to and fuck whoever the brotherhood tells you to. That’s not something anyone gets a say in until they sign their name on that dotted line,” He answered.

  
“Yeah, got it thanks,” I said quietly.

  
“For someone who gets it you seem to fight it an awful lot,” Hank Muttered.

  
“Like you wouldn’t? You think I like fucking fat old guys for real?” I said making Hank aware of his size.

  
“Kid, I’d watch myself if I were you,” He snorted, “You think because I’m supposed to take you home I can’t pull over and do whatever I want with you?”

  
“You’re not supposed to hurt me,” I commented.

  
“Hey, you just have to be fuckable all right? If I keep you in good enough condition I can do whatever I want got it?” He shot back making me swallow because I knew it was true.

  
“Sorry,” I said quietly which made him smile widely.

  
“That’s why I love you,” He mused, “Always so accommodating, such a good boy.”

  
“Don’t say that,” I said running my hand through my hair.

I hated it when they said stuff like that I wasn’t a fucking dog. I wasn’t a good boy and I wasn’t beautiful I felt like I was anything but those things and yet those two phrases were constantly uttered in my ear while they attacked me. Just hearing them anywhere made me feel so sick to my stomach all I would have to do was lean over the right way and I could just automatically barf. I also knew he didn’t love me no matter what he claimed because I was beginning to figure out that you don’t hurt people you love and that you don’t allow them to be hurt which was why I doubted my mum’s love for me.

  
Hank laughed lightly, “I do though. Maybe not the way an adult should love a kid but, I do.”

  
“So, you admit it’s wrong then?” I said looking at him closely.

  
Hank shrugged his shoulders, “Do I Admit I shouldn’t fuck little boys? Yeah I know I shouldn’t but god damn does it feel awesome.”

  
“To you maybe, it doesn’t feel that great to me,” I commented.

  
“You know that’s a lie, if you want to believe that, fine you go ahead but I don’t want to hear it and I’m very sure your dad wouldn’t want to hear it either so keep it to yourself understand me?” He warned.

  
“Yeah, got it,” I sighed, “You ever fuck adults?” I bravely asked.

  
“Do I ask you who you fuck besides me?” He shot me a quick glance taking his eyes off the road.

  
“I fuck who I’m told to so if you asked me I would probably have to tell you wouldn’t I?” I asked which made Hank smile.

  
“Yeah probably, I’m not sure I care to know though,” He said, “I have an adult or two that I spend time with yes but mostly guys your age.” He answered my question, stroking my thigh, “And you? How many people do you fuck?” he asked.

  
“Half of them I don’t know their names,” I said after thinking about it for a minute, shifting my weight slightly to move away from his touch, “There’s you though, Arthur, Tony I’ve been with twice, the leader, My Da, my uncle and then Pat and Cole and you know that already.”

  
“How many unknowns?” He asked me making me stop and think about it.

  
“Like five,” I answered.

  
“You’re lucky it’s not more. You haven’t been to a lot of parties though, yet have you?” He asked me.

  
“No, just the one,” I answered truthfully.

  
“Pat’s been to a couple dozen, I bet you he couldn’t even count how many guys he’s been with,” Hank said in a way that almost sounded like bragging.

  
“And you’re happy about that?” I asked him.

  
“The more guys he sleeps with the more guys I can sleep with,” Hank answered, “There are rules to it you realize? Why do you think your Dad isn’t off fucking everything that moves we have rules.”

  
“I know if someone is a five I have to sleep with them no matter what but otherwise I’m untouchable unless they give my Da money,” I answered, “No relationships with anyone or else I can get killed. What else, there are parties usually your level matches your handlers. You can’t tell anyone about anything, you can’t talk about it really in public places, you guys kill people. You have punishments for bottoms who break rules that usually end in death. I have to do what my Da tells me and who he tells me.” I said listing off the rules I knew about.

  
“We can be killed too, if we decide to leave or break our contract of non-disclosure. If someone decides they want to sleep with us and our level is below a five we still must, there is no escaping that one but I’m a bear so no one would touch me unless I want them to but that’s another story. If I can’t keep Pat reigned in I can have him taken away and he’ll end up in the hospital or the Villa.” Hank said.

  
“What’s the hospital?” I asked.

  
“Well, we have a lot of boys who try to off themselves more or less so we have a mental hospital that’s pretty exclusive. Most of the staff is threes and fours a doctor or two that are fives. We don’t know what goes on there though unless you’ve been there as a patient which I haven’t. You could ask Pat or Cole they’ve both been once,” Hank commented.

  
I knew Dom had been and thought about what hell that must be being a two and having to go to a place like that where you had to bend over and take it. Heck most people didn’t seem to play by the rules anyway so for all I knew even Pat who was a three or four had to deal with that bullshit. I didn’t like talking to Hank I decided because talking to Hank taught me things I didn’t want to know. I settled in and became silent once more staring out the window and we rode like this for a while longer until we were closer to home and I started to recognize the streets. We were on our way to my house and soon the drive came into view and we turned down it.

  
“Do you need the code?” I asked Hank as he came to a stop right outside the gate box.

  
“No I have my own,” He answered me punching his code into the keypad so the doors opened automatically allowing us to continue up the drive.

  
I felt like my stomach was stuck somewhere in my throat. I knew this wouldn’t be good. I wondered what state I would find my mum in whether she would be ok or if she would be beaten to a bloody pulp left laying on a bed in the guest room she seemed to spend her free time in. I wondered if my brothers would be in one piece or even Catty for that matter knowing Da and his anger and the fact that my Uncle was around. I swallowed as he pulled into the drive and put the car in park. I took a deep breath and opened the car door jumping out.

  
When I walked into the kitchen no one was downstairs in the actual kitchen and I couldn’t hear anything in the house. Completely silent that wasn’t good.

  
“Hold on,” Hank said hitting the com button next to the kitchen door, “I brought your kid back,” Hank said into it.

  
It crackled to life and then I heard my Da’s voice, “Tell him to come to the third floor, thank you Hank I hope he didn’t give you too much trouble after the tucker?”

  
Hank hit the com button again, “Everything was fine after that. I’m going to head home have fun,” He said smiling at me and crossing his arms in front of himself, “I don’t imagine you’re going to like this.” He said as he turned and walked out the door shutting it behind him leaving me standing in the kitchen by myself.


	21. 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John faces Da's wrath after the failed escape. John deals with his feeling of helplessness with the help of Will who is shocked to learn that John as some feeling and John learns might have some secrets of his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Rape/non-con, talk of past rape/non-con, underage, discussion of suicide, sexual orientation, homophobia, Romantic crushes, adolescence.  
> I know this chapter is a little shorter than usual but I figured there was enough emotional angst going on that it being short wouldn't be a bad thing. From pages 460 to 471 next chapter will probably be longer. I know I'm doing a lot of updating right now but like I said earlier part one is already finished it's just a matter of doing edits to fix spelling and grammatical errors as well as figuring out the best places to end a chapter. Let me know what you think about this scene. Does this help clarify John's relationship with Will any at this point (I mean relationships with our siblings change as things happen and as we age but still.) is everyone still interested or just reading to get to the end? Let me know what you think.

I knew I wasn’t allowed to say no and that I couldn’t say no. I didn’t want to think about what he was going to do to me but I didn’t want to press my luck by staying downstairs for too long. I sighed and walked up the stairs getting on the elevator and riding it to the third floor. When the elevator door opened my Da was there right outside it his arms folded over his chest waiting for me as I stepped out.

  
“So, thought you would run away?” He asked me, “Thought you could get away with everyone? You’re stupider than I thought you were.”

  
“Da it wasn’t my idea,” I said quietly.

  
“Then whose was it John because your mum isn’t the brightest bulb of the bunch. Obviously otherwise she would have planned it better. If you were that miserable you could have told me I would have listened to you. I would have given you a break, maybe we would have gone on vacation just the two of us but no you had to convince your mum you could get away from me for good even though she has no skills to support you let alone all of your siblings.” He said making me fidget as I stepped out of the elevator.

  
“It really wasn’t my idea,” I said again.

  
“Well, I did talk with your mum,” He said, “I’m going to give you a little bit of space.” He said his eyes locking to mine, looking at me in a way that told me a little bit of space wasn’t going to be the amount of space that I needed, not nearly enough space, “Things are going to start changing.”

  
I swallowed afraid of what he meant.

  
“No more Hank, especially not after what he told me he tried to do getting you to fuck a stranger I didn’t give him permission to hand you out. Yes, he told me and he apologized but he still won’t be with you for a while. No more Ben at least for now ok?” he said putting his hand on my cheek making me freeze, “Just you and me.” He said hugging me.

  
“Da,” I moaned wanting to push him away.

  
“It’s ok, I missed you so much,” he said burying his face in my neck and started to kiss on me as he started messing with the buttons at the collar of my shirt undoing them slowly.

  
“Da, please,” I said feeling my body start to shake as he pushed me against the wall slowly.

  
“It’s all right,” He whispered tenderly, “I just missed you. Let me feel you,” he said as he got the last button on my button up undone and his hand slid up my undershirt.

  
I didn’t want to be touched like this. I knew all the places his hands were going to reach for and I didn’t want any of this. I felt my body start sweating, my heart start racing. I didn’t want this. Why didn’t he get that I didn’t want this?

  
“Baby, I’m not going to hurt you,” He whispered kissing my neck forcefully the wall the only thing allowing me to support his body weight as he pressed against me, kissing me in an almost frantic and vicious way as he started to scoot us towards the door of the guest suite along the wall. Once he scooted me past the barrier of the doorway he started pushing me backwards into the room, his hands rubbing up and down my body grabbing my ass and massaging my ass cheeks one minute and then the next his hands reaching to undo my pants.

  
“Da please don’t this,” I said and he pushed me onto the bed.

  
“You want me to hurt you?” He asked me, “Or you want me to go get someone else to help me meet my needs?”

  
I swallowed. Of course, I didn’t want him to get someone else but I didn’t want to do it either. I knew I had made him angry because of the look in his eyes. I didn’t want to do any of this but I knew I could handle it better than any of my brothers the way Da was. The things he whispered to you when he was raping you. I didn’t think they could handle it. I shook my head slowly looking at the balcony knowing that once my Da was finished I was going to attempt jumping again.

  
“Ok then,” My Da said standing up and hurrying out of his clothes before he continued kissing on me, taking off my button up and my under shirt so I was shirtless as he kissed up and down my chest my pants unbuttoned but not off yet as I tried my hardest not to push him away and let him have what he wanted. I let him slide his tongue past my lips and roll it across my own tapping the back of my teeth as he kissed me aggressively until I couldn’t breath and had to put my hands on his chest to signal to him that I needed him to stop so I could catch my breath.

  
He didn’t wait for me to catch my breath and go back to it but started kissing down my center to the top of my pants, starting to pull them down and I bit lightly into my own hand to keep myself from screaming because I knew what he was going to do. After kissing just past the waistline of my pants he pulled away so he could take both them and my underwear off all the way giving me a chance to say something.

  
“Could you do something else?” I tried to ask him gently.

  
“Don’t you want me to make you feel good?” He cooed moving so that he could pull both my underwear and pants off my legs the last bit before throwing them on the floor.

  
“Da,” I said reaching forward and grabbing his hand squeezing it trying to be seductive but probably just translating to scared, “I’ll do anything else you want.” I tried to look calm even though I could feel my facial muscles and could tell that they weren’t conveying the emotion I wanted them to.

  
“But I love the taste of it and I know it feels good you can’t tell me it doesn’t,” He said as he stood up and took the rest of his own clothes off so we were both naked.

  
The look in his eyes when he glanced up and down my naked form made me sure that he wasn’t going to take my request into account. I could feel the tears trying to escape my tear ducts. I didn’t want to do that. I would do just about anything but that. I wanted to say no but I knew saying no would make him angry.

  
He looked at me closely, “I can make it feel really nice maybe if you engage I’ll make it quick?” He said making it sound like it was something he wasn’t planning on doing but was hoping would get me to respond the way he wanted me to.  
“I’ll respond however you want if you skip that,” I said choosing my words carefully so I didn’t make him angry.

  
“That’s my favorite part though baby, you have no idea how much I enjoy the sounds you make or how you taste. You’re great at making me happy when we do that and your cock taste amazing in my mouth don’t you want to make me happy while I make you feel good? It must feel better than anal. I personally always thought anal hurt even when it felt good but oral, oral always made my eyes roll and my body tingle even when your grandpa did it. I could just close my eyes and pretend it was a hot girl or boy if I was in that mood and everything was fine.” He said one of his hands touching my hip lightly as he looked at me carefully.

  
“I don’t like it,” I said shaking my head slightly afraid that he would get super angry because I had said don’t without asking for permission.

  
“Don’t lie,” He commanded me, “Everyone likes it even if they don’t want to.” He leaned in, kissing my hip making my limbs feel like they had been filled with lead, his hand still staying steady on my hip as if to hold me in place. I didn’t dare speak because I was afraid that he would get angry and either really hurt me or chain me up which were both things I didn’t want to deal with, “Just relax.” He said glancing up at me as he slid his body in-between my legs and touched my scrotum making me flinch.  
“Shhh, just relax you’re ok,” he cooed before he put me in his mouth.

  
I responded by grabbing a pillow and pulling it over my face so I didn’t have to watch him do it. I tried to be quiet and to go someplace else, anywhere else in my head because it might not have physically hurt but I felt like he was tearing my soul to shreds. I tried so hard to leave and it didn’t work. Every time I almost escaped he managed to touch something or lick something that brought me back.

  
I didn’t want this. I didn’t want this at all was all I could think over and over like a broken record. When I couldn’t keep myself from making noise anymore I stuff the pillow in my mouth and bit it. I held it for as long as I could until it burned and I couldn’t hold it anymore and then I allowed myself to cum muffling my screams and moans using the pillow as I came in his mouth and he swallowed. When he was done, he looked up and moved the pillow off my face.

  
“That’s why I didn’t hear anything,” He said as our eyes locked before he leaned his weight on top of me and started kissing my jaw bone. “We can do it again,” he said started to kiss my neck and I knew he was starting to move lower so he could restart. I grabbed his arms lightly and gave him a small peck on the top of his head making my stomach lurch in disgust but I thought it would keep him from restarting all over again. He looked up at me and smiled.

  
“What was that about?” He asked me.

  
“I don’t know,” I shrugged and I could feel my heart pounding in my chest.

  
“Want my face up here?” He asked me reaching beside my head for something and I turned and saw it was a bottle of lube.

  
I nodded even though seeing the bottle scared the shit out of me because if his dick was in my ass it meant his face wasn’t in my junk and my dick wasn’t in his mouth. And I felt like that would be easier to deal with. I watch him put some lube on his hand and fingers and thought he was going to go straight inside me slowly like he always did but I felt something smaller this time and it rubbed against my prostate making me jump and my eyes go wide.

  
“You’re ok,” He said quietly, “I just want to make you feel good,” He added another finger hitting my prostate in that way again.

  
I let out a half moan half scream that I wanted to muffle with the pillow but he grabbed the pillow and threw it away so I had nothing to grab and stuff in my mouth. This caused me to bite down on my lip hard trying to keep the noises to myself.

  
“Oh, baby don’t I love your noises, I want to hear you,” He said making sure he hit it again. I gasped as his fingers started moving in a clock wise motion bumping that spot with every other movement and I came to the concluded that next to being blown this was one of the worst things they did.

  
“Oh god,” I said quietly after he hit it a couple more times because no matter what I did I found myself still squeaking every time he hit it.

  
“That’s it baby, let yourself feel good,” He cooed into my collar bone as I started panting a sweat breaking out over my skin as I started to become erect again, “God I love your sounds baby. I want you to cum so hard for me.”

  
I felt my toes starting to curl which usually meant I was getting close to the height of pleasure before I hit orgasm. I didn’t want to do this why did my body hate me? That was all I could think as every time he hit that spot something inside me jolted making my whole-body tingle so hard it was making me feel sick.

  
“Da,” I said as the pressure kept building.

  
“Come on good boy, that’s it baby,” He cooed.

  
“Wait,” I moaned grabbing his hand that was in-between my legs his two fingers shoved up my ass.

  
“Baby don’t fight, just relax you’re so close I can tell by the look in your eyes,” he said moving gently pushing them deeper in.

  
“Please,” I said as I started crying because every touch sent a shock through my body.

  
“Baby just relax, you’re ok I promise I just want to make you feel good,” He said again making sure he did his best to hit the spot each time he moved his fingers around, “I just want you to cum baby,” he whispered licking my collar bone which caused enough sensations to run through me I came again all over coating my stomach and his arm in that thick sticky half-opulent liquid. Leaving me breathless again.

  
Only after that did he have anal sex with me. By then I was numb and tired and I knew I would kill myself when he was finished with me. I knew I couldn’t keep doing this. He climaxed inside me the stickiness of him dripping out of me and down my legs as he pulled out. I went to go get up because I thought he was done, I was sure he was done but he pushed me back.

  
“Not yet baby,” he said as he grabbed my penis and started rubbing finding it easy to make me hard this time because I didn’t climax when he did, “Just one more time,” he said as he started kissing down my body again.

  
“Da please, “I said and I started crying which was something I tried to avoid doing in front of him, “I can’t please, please,” I cried.

  
“I can go get your uncle and you will cum for him as many times as he wants or you can do it one more time with me, your choice,” He hissed, “What’s it going to be make a decision.”

  
“Ok,” I nodded my head, “Ok,” I said again even though I felt like I was dying on the inside.

  
“You’ll enjoy it, you always do,” He said and without giving me time to react his mouth was engulfing me and I was squeezing my eyes shut hoping it would just stop but knowing he wouldn’t until he tasted what he wanted. I bit into my hand hard enough that I left indents on my knuckles trying to keep myself from cumming hoping the pain would distract my body but it didn’t do anything to help at all other than allow my mouth to gape open wider as my eyes started to roll into the back of my head and I felt like my body was betraying me. Like the world hated me. He swallowed that down too making sucking noises almost like a pig or a dog eating after being starved for days.

  
“You’re amazing baby,” he said coming up wiping his mouth and hugging me tightly around the middle of my torso holding me close to his body, “I love you so much you’re amazing you taste so good I can’t believe I ever let you leave me.”

  
“Let me go,” I said pushing against him feeling like I couldn’t breathe.

  
“I’m never letting you go again. You’re so fucking beautiful and sexy I love you so much you’re amazing baby, everything about you feels good, tastes good. You’re a good boy,” He cooed into my ear which made me fight harder.

  
“No, No I’m not, let me go, let me go!” I screamed scratching at his hands apparently hard enough to make him let me go and I ran to the French door of the balcony struggling with the lock to pull them open as he got up and grabbed me by the waist pulling me away.

  
“What are you going to do? Are you going to jump?” He asked me sounding almost amused, “I don’t think so.”

  
“Please let me go Da, please, I can’t do this anymore, let me go please,” I begged as he threw me back onto the bed using his body weight to hold me there as I started sobbing hysterically like I had when my little brothers and sisters had gathered around me but this time I had no one to comfort me as I hated myself as I hated the way I felt in my own skin and how my body hated me.

  
“Just relax ok, if you don’t relax I will put you in the basement until I don’t think you’re going to hurt yourself,” He said to me gently.

  
“Da please, please I can’t do it anymore please just let me go, just let me go I can’t do this anymore, I can’t do this anymore,” I begged hoping he would just let me up so that I could jump. So, that I could hit the concrete next to the pool and dream of flying, dream of freedom that was so close.

  
“I can’t let you do that John, I can’t baby I’d miss you too much,” He whispered holding me to his body and kissing me while he used his own weight to pin me to the bed making me shake and shudder even worse because my emotions felt like that had nowhere to go.

  
“Da please, PLEASE I’M BEGGING YOU PLEASE!” I screamed as loud as I could before my screams turned into incomprehensible sobs that felt like they had the ability to spilt the earth wide open and swallow me whole if I allowed them to. Which was what I so desperately wanted. I screamed at the top of my lungs until I couldn’t scream anymore. Until my whole being was silent and still. Completely and utterly numb. Until I didn’t feel like I wanted to be dead anymore because I felt like my soul had already died.  
I must have sobbed loud enough and long enough for someone else in the house to hear me because the elevator dinged as it stopped and opened and someone got out. He refused to let me go even as he heard the person coming down the hall even as the door knob turned.

  
“John?” We both heard a voice even though I didn’t move because my body and soul no longer had the energy to do anything.

  
“Will go back upstairs,” My Da hissed to the person who had entered even though he didn’t let me go.

  
“Da what are you doing? I heard him screaming upstairs,” Will said calmly.

  
“I’m waiting to see if he still wants to kill himself when he’s finished throwing his fit,” My Da answered simply.

  
“Well Da he’s no longer screaming and sobbing so I’d say he’s done and by the blank look on his face I’d say you’ve broken him,” Will said in voice that would have made me laugh if I hadn’t been so far stuck inside myself and it had been a normal conversation that I was actually a part of.

  
“You really think he won’t move once I let him go?” My Da asked.

  
“Try it,” Will said, “Go on I promise you if he does move it won’t be a lot.”

  
My Da loosen his grip cautiously and I still didn’t move my eyes didn’t even shift their attention, “I know what will get him back,” My Da said.

  
“I wouldn’t do that unless you want the screaming to start again Da I’m serious, Uncle has done it to me enough times I know what’s going to happen here. What you need to do is leave him alone,” Will warned him.

  
My Da stopped whatever action he was about to take and sighed looking at me while my eyes reminded staring straight ahead and unfocused. I wanted to move but I felt like I couldn’t. I wanted to continue screaming and sobbing but the energy wasn’t there the only thing that was there was this blank static slow feeling that I felt like I was stuck in almost like TV static. Just lying there felt like it was taking too much energy.

  
“All right,” He said somewhere above me, “I’ll come check on him later.” He said getting up and probably getting dressed, “Are you going to sit here and watch him to make sure he doesn’t jump off the balcony when he comes to?” He said in Will’s direction.  
“Are you going to leave him alone for a while?” Will questioned.

  
“If you aren’t I’ll take him downstairs and chain him up you want that for him? You think he can deal with that?” My Da hissed at Will.

  
I heard Will sigh heavily, “Fine,” He said, “You win this time.”

  
“Son,” My Da said measuredly, “I win every time, ask your brothers when he comes to,” I heard a hint of amusement in his voice, “I’ll be back in a little bit.” He said and then I heard the door shut.

  
I heard a heavy sigh and felt the bed shift as Will sat down, “Well, this is a shit show,” He muttered, “Somehow Mikey and James have managed to step up and really help out with the little kids and Catty is doing the best she can with that too. Matty’s been locked in the basement since we got back and mum has completely checked out because she can’t stand the fact that we’re back here and she was worried about what Hank was doing to you. He only knocked her around a little bit in case you were wondering. Catty begged me to come down here because she could hear you screaming, yes that’s right we could hear your screaming all the way upstairs,” He said, “And before you say I don’t know how it feels, you have no idea the shit that uncle Ben puts me through every time he drags me down to that fucking room so don’t even start John.” He warned me and then sighed and stopped talking waiting for me to move or say something.

  
After about 10 minutes of silence he spoke again, “Sorry,” he said and I heard his voice cracking, “That probably wasn’t the right thing to say I know there’s a lot going on right now and that you have your own problems you’re dealing with. I’m just so tired John, all the time and I’m so angry that we’re back here. I think everyone is. This isn’t fair especially to you I’m sorry,” he said, “I need you. Don’t shut down like mum does please.” He said hovering over me for a second so I could see his face and then laying down next to me quietly being careful not to touch me.

  
“I want it to be done,” I said barely a whisper my head starting to clear as I finally found enough energy inside me to do something.

  
“I know,” he answered back, “me too.”

  
“I don’t think you guys could make it without me though,” I said.

  
“We couldn’t but not because of what you think,” Will answered me as I reached a hand out for him and he took it and squeezed it gently.

  
“What do you think I mean?” I asked him finally moving my head, turning it to the side to look at him.

  
“Because Da usually goes after you instead of someone else. That’s not why we need you. We need you because of everything else you do to take care of us not that,” He said, “You do everything you can to distract everyone else from what’s going on, I mean you play Barbie’s and trucks when there are so many other things you could do to keep yourself happy and occupied when they aren’t with you and yet you spend that time either sleeping or doing things for us,” He said.

  
“I don’t think I have enough in me to do anything anymore,” I said feeling like I was about to cry again but not sure if I had enough energy to start that up again yet.

  
“The fact that you’re still here tells me you’re a lot stronger than you think you are,” Will said.

  
“You know it’s that bad?” I asked him swallowing.

  
“Yeah,” Will said and I saw his eyes getting wet, “I know it’s that bad and I feel so fucking pissed I can’t do anything to get them to leave you alone.”

  
“That’s not your job,” I said.

  
“No that makes it worse though because they aren’t supposed to be doing it in the first place and yet here we are,” He said.

  
I sighed, “I’m just tired, that’s all.”

  
“You’re beyond tired don’t lie. I know that look. I see it on mum’s face every other day, I feel it stretched across my own face when I try to smile,” Will said.

  
“He said I wouldn’t have to be with anyone else for a while. I don’t know if that makes it worse or better,” I said after a couple minutes of silence.

  
“How many people has he been passing you out to?” Will asked.

  
I just shrugged my shoulders in reply. That wasn’t something I wanted to talk about especially with my little brother no matter how close in age we were. It wasn’t that I didn’t think he could handle hearing about it, it’s that I felt I would break if I had to talk about it anymore.

  
“There’s a teacher at school,” Will said after a minute, “He called Da and got permission to spend time with me. At least I have an A in math, right?” Will said.

  
I sighed feeling obligated to share, “Hank mostly.”

  
“Ouch,” Will commented and I nodded my head.

  
I didn’t want to talk about everything else though. I didn’t want to talk about Arthur or McClairen or Barren, who always stared at me like he was undressing me with his eyes or Finick who had decided that making out with me seemed like a good idea. I especially didn’t want to talk about Leo and how Da had listened to me sob while Leo raped me and hadn’t cared at all because he was getting his needs met with Dylan that older kid that seemed so into it.

  
“Why can’t our lives be normal?” Will asked me.

  
“Because our Da is a nasty person who gets off on hurting people,” I answered.

  
“Does he really hurt you? Like I know Uncle Ben throws punches, I know that really well trust me but, does Da?” Will asked me curiously.

  
“No,” I sighed, “He hurts differently, you know what I mean.”

  
“So, it’s always like that?” He asked me.

  
“Like what?” I asked back.

  
“You know,” He said.

  
“Don’t play games right now Will just ask whatever it is you’re asking my brain is too tired to process any between the lines shit,” I said in a tired tone.

  
“The stuff he says, the way he makes it feel almost like you want it,” Will said openly.

  
“Yes,” I answered simply.

  
“Oh,” Will replied simply and then laid there in silence with me for a while, “You said he comes to you every night?” he asked suddenly.

  
I just nodded my head the tears finally starting to come back, my body finally finding enough energy to actually move and operate like a normal body should.

  
“I’m sorry, that really sucks,” Will said gently.

  
“I hate him so much but I hate myself so much more,” I said after a couple of minutes.

  
“You shouldn’t hate yourself because there are so many people who care about because you are a great person and you care about so many people even though your life really sucks. You try so hard to make sure everyone else is ok all the time and that should be something that makes you proud of yourself, that makes you feel confident. You shouldn’t hate yourself,” He said trying to sooth me.

  
“I can’t even look at myself in the mirror you know? All I see is what they see. Something that’s not quiet human. Not a guy but not a girl, not really an adult but not quite as soft as a kid. Someone who isn’t tall enough or short enough, someone with just the right amount of hair to make them happy so I don’t have to shave. Everything about me and this body is wrong and yet they like it,” I swallowed hard.

  
Will was silent for a while before he spoke, “You’ll grow, your body will change and then maybe most of them will leave you alone you don’t know,” Will said hopefully.

  
“I doubt it,” I answered honestly, “Da said once he can’t wait to see what I look like when I harden up. Like I’m type of fucking food that needs to age to get better. Like I said I’m not really human. Especially not to them so why on earth am I still here?”

  
“Because you know there are people here who need you,” Will answered me as I started crying silently, “You know I can’t do this without you, that they can’t do this without you and as much as it hurts you to be here you know this is where you belong, where you need to be.”

  
“It’s not fair that he can’t leave me alone,” I said finally looking at Will again noticing he was crying to.

  
“I know, if I could get him to stop even for a little bit I would I swear to you I would,” Will said to me, “I am so sorry he’s such an asshole to you even more than he is to anyone else.”

  
I threw my arm around my brother’s neck and he did the same to me and we cried into each other’s shoulders for a while not even really sobbing but just sniffling here and there. I felt a comfort I had never felt before besides that one time in the dog pile on my bedroom floor. A comfort that only a sibling can give to you, only someone who is living your hell with you can give to you. We stayed that way for a while until finally I felt strong enough to really move and I went to get up untangling myself from Will’s arms and he bolted up right.

  
“You’re not going to do it, are you?” He asked me nodding his head towards the balcony a worried look in his eye.

  
“No,” I said sadly, “I don’t think I have the energy too anyway. Like you said I know deep down this is where I need to be even if it’s hell, I just need to shower,” I answered.

  
Will sighed a look of relief passing across his face his forehead relaxing the wrinkles in his brow disappearing, “Ok,” He said, “I’ll be here when you get out and then we can go upstairs.”

  
“Why? He’ll get to me anyway might as well stay down here where there’s a bigger bed so I don’t have to feel him so close to my skin even when he’s not touching me later,” I said getting up and stretching.

  
“Don’t you feel them for like hours after?” Will asked me suddenly, “You know after one of them…”

  
I cut him off, “Sometimes all day until a couple hours before it happens again, probably another reason I can’t stand to look at myself.” I answered honestly.

  
“Does anything make it go away?” He asked me and I smiled thinking about it.

  
“Pat,” I said, “When he touches me it feels like he’s melting them away almost like he’s the sun melting ice.”

  
“Touches you?” Will asked his eyes opening wide.

  
I felt myself blush, “It’s not like that we haven’t really done any of that just when he touches my skin is all I meant.”

  
“Are you gay?” Will asked me and then quickly mumbled, “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being gay especially being stuck in what we’re stuck in. I won’t tell mum because mum is totally against it.”

  
“I think it’s just him,” I sighed, “Something about him. I don’t picture myself with any other guy willingly. Why are you gay?”

 

“I don’t know,” He answered me his face turning red around his cheeks and across his nose, “Maybe? I haven’t really been with anyone to really tell but I know that kiss with Heather nickels didn’t make me feel like the movies makes it seem it should.”

  
“You’re almost 11 so I don’t think any kiss is going to feel the way the movies make it seem. Are there any guys you think are super cute?” I asked him curious.

  
“How do I know if I think someone is cute?” He asked me.

  
“Well,” I sighed thinking about it, “The first time I saw Pat my heart it felt like it was kind of dancing and my stomach got all light and fluttery like butterflies or something. Ever feel that way when you saw someone?” I asked.

  
“There’s been a couple yeah, mostly guys but a girl or two too,” He said, “I can’t imagine kissing the girls though but sometimes I dream about one of the guys specifically.”

  
“Maybe you are then or maybe he’s what Pat is to me and he’s just like that one guy you can see yourself with, I guess you just need to chill and watch, most kids your age aren’t super into the opposite sex to begin with so maybe you’re just not there yet?” I asked him.

  
“Maybe, if I was gay do you think that’s a bad thing?” He asked me.

  
“No, I don’t see anything wrong with it as long as you aren’t into guys a lot younger then you are I think you’re ok,” I answered.

  
“Well, the guy I might be into is older so…” He said.

  
“Do I know this older guy?” I asked him and his face turned bright red making me smile lightly.

  
“Do I have to tell you who?” He asked me shyly.

  
“No I won’t make you tell me but I am very curious now,” I replied.

  
Will hid his face in his hands for a moment, “it’s Cole,” he said barely above a whisper.

  
I couldn’t help but laugh at that, “Well, if you were going to see if you were gay he’d be the guy to find out with because he’s very gay,” I said, “I’m not going to tell anyone though I swear.” I said patting his shoulder to reassure him.

  
“You swear for real?” He asked me finally taking his head out of his hands and looking at me.

  
“Yes, I swear for real if I tell anyone god can strike me dead,” I said holding out my hand with my pinkie curled like we used to do when we were at boarding school and there was something we were being sworn to keep a secret.

  
“Thanks,” He said hooking his pinkie on mine and then letting go.

  
“No problem,” I answered, “He’ll have no idea ever unless you tell him.” I vowed standing up and walking into the bathroom.

  
I felt lighter my mind off everything that had just happened and stuck on Will for the moment. Sometimes just talking about random normal things made me feel that much better especially because my life was far from normal thanks to my Da and his friends. I felt so bad for Will yet so entertained. I couldn’t imagine feeling that confused about anything even though Pat made me question things but then I saw a hot girl on TV and I knew it was just Pat.

  
I wondered if looking at Cole made Will’s head spin like looking at Pat made mine as I turned on the water and started to wash myself off. I didn’t stay in there too long because I didn’t want to be caught in the shower. The shower was almost like a safe space for me where I could think and allow the water to wash them and their touches off my skin like Pat could melt them away and so having them accost me In the shower was something that always bothered me a lot so I tried to shower just long enough to relax myself and get clean but not spend any more time in there after that because the less time I spent in the shower the less likely they were to try and join me in the shower. When I was finished, I turned the water off and dried myself and when I opened the door I found Will still there asleep on the bed with Da nowhere to be found even though I was sure he was just in the office next door. I put my hand on Will’s shoulder and shook him gently awake and he sat up rubbing the sleep from his eyes.  
“Are we going upstairs?” He asked me trying to stifle a yawn.

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “It seems like it’d be worth it even if he can get to me up there at least I know everyone else is around so I don’t feel so alone,” I answered.

  
“After he’s done you can come talk with me,” Will said giving me a serious look, “Like seriously wake me up and we’ll chill for a while if he lets you go. It’s the least you can let me do since …” he trailed off.

  
“Ok,” I answered simply, “I’ll think about it.” I adjusted my towel to make sure it would hold because I didn’t want to put my dirty clothes on and we opened the door and walked down the hallway. The elevator doors clanged open but Da didn’t appear and we managed to get upstairs safe and sound. I got to my bedroom door and watched Will walk down the hall to his and open his door before I opened mine and went inside for the night shutting it behind me. When I was in there I quickly found some PJ’s and underwear and dressed and then grabbed one of the bottle from my stash and took a few quick drinks from it because I knew I would need it to hold off withdrawals. I remember falling asleep shortly after that but not really being aware of anything until the sun came up the next morning meaning I probably had a thankfully dreamless sleep.


	22. 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John returns to school and ends up finding out he's behind in classes where he's offered helping hands, some of them not so helpful. He starts to learn more about Dom's home life as well as open up a little bit about what is going on. His friends try to help defend him against an attack and in the process end up suffering the consequences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 472 to 494 Warnings: Talk of abuse, underage smoking, underage drinking, rape/non-con, priest abuse, forced kissing, bullying, teasing, underage kissing, romance, soft and fluffies, anxiety, depression all the regular warnings.

I woke up to the sound of my alarm the next morning which reminded me it was Monday and a school day. I rubbed my eyes slowly and then it dawned on me that mum wasn’t in the condition to get everyone else up and ready so I jumped up and ran out into the hallway and started knocking on doors. It was 5:30 Am and that wasn’t nearly enough time for everyone to get showered and dressed like they needed to.

  
“What’s going on?” I heard a voice squeak as a door opened. It was James rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

  
“I need you guys to start getting ready for school. Get dressed if you have any trouble with buttons you can come get me,” I said as I went back to my room and started pulling my uniform on. Sure enough about five minutes later both Catty and James were in front of me and I was buttoning shirts and blouses because they still had difficulty getting them buttoned properly. I was also tying ties for Matty and Mikey but soon enough everyone was ready with enough time for me to hand out pop tarts and cash for lunches and we were off to the school buses. I gave everyone kisses on their heads as I climbed on my bus “I’ll see you guys when I get home, homework upstairs ok? Not downstairs,” I called out as the bus doors closed. I fought the wave of traffic to the back of the bus where Dom was sitting.

  
“You missed Thursday and Friday,” Dom commented.

 

  
“We went somewhere,” I said trying to make it sound casual.

  
“Disney land?” Dom asked raising an eyebrow as I glanced around.

  
“I’ll tell you later.”

  
“Ok,” Dom nodded, “Pat was in school Friday so that was good he mentioned some stuff. I thought I wouldn’t be seeing you again.” He said.

  
“Me too,” I said shrugging.

  
We rode the rest of the way to school in silence and went back to the smoking spot where Pat and Cole were already smoking.

  
“HEY! OH, MY GOD WHAT ARE DOING HERE?” Pat said looking at me shocked.

  
“Your Dad didn’t tell you?” I asked him as he charged at me and hugged me tightly.

  
“No, he didn’t tell me anything. Is that where he went Sunday?” He asked me and I nodded.

  
“Yeah, my Da tracked down my mum and held her hostage until she told him where we were,” I sighed, “Your Dad came with Arthur and picked us up from a motel outside Atlanta.”

  
“Oh no,” He said letting me go and giving both Dom and I a cigarette.

  
“Yep,” I said, “Arthur drove all of the kids back and I helped your dad pack the car and…”

  
Dom made a hissing noise, “Damn.”

  
I just nodded my head in response.

  
“No, fucking a,” Pat sighed, “Are you ok?”

  
“He’s not as bad as my Da which I had to deal with when I got home but for now I’m fine yeah,” I answered.

  
“Are you ready to deal with Father McClairen?” Dom asked me and just hearing the words sent a shiver down my spine.

  
“I’d take that as a no,” Cole said and I nodded my head.

  
“I don’t want to ever have to do that again,” I said.

  
“Do what?” Pat asked frowning and I felt my cheeks flush red.

  
“Something,” I mumbled quietly.

  
Pat gave me this look I can’t quiet describe, “Come here,” he said dragging me deeper into the bushes lightly by my arm.

  
“What did you have to do?” Pat asked me.

  
“It’s nothing,” I said trying to avoid talking about it because I really didn’t want to even think about what had happened let alone talk about it.

  
“No, Rabbit please tell me what happened,” Pat pressed his worry growing.

  
“He raped me,” I said barely above a whisper.

  
“Oh no, when?” He asked me touching my cheek gently.

  
“It doesn’t matter I just don’t want to do it again,” I said swallowing hard.

  
“You won’t have to,” Pat said making a promise I was sure he couldn’t keep.

  
“Don’t Pat,” I said putting my hand on his chest to push him out of the way.

  
“I’ll take care of it,” he whispered grabbing my hand that was on his chest and squeezing it lightly bring us close together.

  
He was so close I could feel the heat coming off his body and I wanted to kiss him I did but I didn’t want to get caught in a position that might get me into more trouble. I could feel my heart pounding against my rib cage as I looked at him.  
“Let me take care of it,” He said again wrapping his arms around my waist lightly so he was embracing me. All the sudden we heard a slight cough and we both turned and looked. It was Cole and he had the biggest cheesiest grin on his face.  
“Well I knew you two had a thing going but this is a big thing,” He said his smile growing even bigger.

  
“I ah…,” Pat started to explain letting me go.

  
“I told him,” I confessed to Pat, “That there’s something kind of between us.”

  
“You did?” Pat asked me, “You know if somehow this got out to the wrong people how much trouble we would be in?”

  
Cole sighed, “I know that better than the both of you,” he reminded Pat, “I’m not going to be telling anyone it’s McClairen that you obviously have to worry about.”

  
“You swear? I mean we haven’t even really done anything some making out,” He said stopping there and giving me that look again that always made me blush.

Cole coughed again, “Pat you shouldn’t be allowed to look at him until you can control that because right now you are giving him “fuck you” in a good way face so bad that it’s obvious to anyone that something is going on between you guys.”

  
“What look?” Pat said again like he had said before, “I don’t mean to.”

  
“Well,” Cole said, “Think of dirty gym socks when you look at him. Maybe that will help because you can tell by the look on your face man you are totally removing his clothes with your brain.” He said laughing slightly and clapping Pat on the shoulder.  
Pat’s face turned red and his eyes went big, “Not on purpose!” he said loudly causing Dom to come over to us.

  
“What’s up?” He asked.

  
“We’re talking about how Pat needs to watch his puppy eyes,” Cole said.

  
“Yeah, he does,” Dom said, “Even in the hallway he does it every time John walks by you have no idea how many times I’ve caught him staring and I’ve had to cough or clear my throat to remind him not to.”

  
“Seriously?” I asked, “How come I’ve never noticed?”

  
“Because he does it so often that’s probably what you think is his default facial expression,” Cole said and Dom laughed.

  
“Ok, I won’t look at him if I can’t keep look at him in a normal way,” Pat said staring at Dom.

  
Cole smiled wide almost to the point where he was about to burst out laughing and shook his head.

  
“What?” Dom asked Cole.

  
“Nothing, nothing I swear I have a dirty brain,” He just answered.

  
“What?” Pat asked too.

  
“John swears you guys haven’t done anything but you have done something I swear because that look doesn’t just happen overnight,” Cole mentioned.

  
“Cole keep your thoughts out of my consensual sex life please,” Pat said.

  
“I knew it! If you guys haven’t fucked yet you really want to and there was some touching,” Cole proclaimed and Dom shook his head.

  
“Cole,” Pat warned looking at my face to see how I was taking Coles accurate guess, “Stop it.”

  
“You so did!” Cole said clapping his hands excitedly, “So do we know who is going to be on top?” he questioned.

  
“Cole, I swear to god if you don’t stop I’m going to smack you,” Pat said and Cole started to calm down.

  
“I’m sorry,” Cole said, “It’s just nice not being the only gay guy.”

  
“I don’t know if I’m gay,” Pat answered.

  
“Me neither,” I said, “If it makes you feel better my brother thinks he might be gay though,” I added.

  
“Wait which brother?” Dom asked curious.

  
“The only one that’s really old enough to put any thought into the subject,” I answered.

  
“Ah,” Cole said nodding his head, “I kind of caught that already though to be honest.”

  
“Really?” I asked.

  
“Yeah, it’s hard to explain but sometimes we can feel each other out pretty well,” Cole said, “Why I got so excited about you two because it totally slipped by me I would have never thought that you two would be batting for my team.” He said.

  
“I don’t think I am,” Pat reminded Cole, “Not that I think there is anything wrong with it but there’s something about John that just…” Pat said looking at me his eyes softening around the edges his lips puckering a little bit and I finally noticed what they meant when they said the “fuck you” look but in a good way.

  
I smiled big.

  
“What?” Pat asked me.

  
“I see it now,” I said, “Yeah you need to put a lid that on that before we get into more trouble.”

  
“Shit,” Pat said cracking a smile, “I guess I need to about something other than…” his cheeks started to darken.

  
“OH, god really?” I said embarrassed.

  
“So, I’m right you two have done a little below the belt action?” Cole said smiling big just as the bell rung, “Ok we’re going to talk about this later Pat brother to brother.” Cole said not being able to stop smiling.

  
I just walked off with Dom following me closely behind. We walked about half way to class and then Dom tapped me on the shoulder and gave me this look, “What?” I asked afraid of what he wanted.

  
“Can I ask who went down on who?” He said smiling as my mouth dropped open.

  
“NO! and no one. Not yet,” I answered flabbergasted.

  
“Ok,” Dom said nodding his head respecting my boundaries, “You should totally try pussy though because man that’s wow,” He added.

  
“Oh, sweet heaven,” I said, “Can we talk about something else if you want to talk? for real it’s not a topic I care to stay on.”

  
“You missed a nice party this weekend,” Dom said.

  
“Yeah what happened?” I asked.

  
“The girls were there man, I figured Pat had something going on because even if he’s not like seriously dating someone he tends to be with one person and he was totally ignoring Delia like hard core and usually he’s really into her,” Dom said and I smacked him light on the shoulder.

  
“I said stop it,” I warned him.

  
“Ok, ok anyway there was spin the bottle and seven minutes in heaven Hunter actually showed up and stayed for a little while he brought booze so that made it even better. There was dancing and the girls love it when Cole dances,” Dom said.

  
“I’ve heard Cole has some good moves,” I said.

  
“Ahh, I personally think it’s weird to watch Cole dance and that he would make a good male stripper so…,” Dom shrugged.

  
“He dances like that?” I asked Dom.

  
“Well, if any of us do dance we all kind of dance like that probably why we don’t dance in public usually but he was drunk enough … “Dom trailed off as Fr. Dunbee came out of the class room and we approached the line.

  
“Glad to see you are feeling well enough to join us again Mr. McGregor,” Fr. Dunbee said, “Now everyone please turn to 173 and we’ll start reading, “Mr. McGregor could you stay after the bell?” He mentioned and I nodded.

  
We read like we usually did that hour, and I must admit I was completely lost because Father Dunbee didn’t do a recap. However, I felt pretty good about the day even though I was dreading next period and the fact that I would probably be asked to stay after class for a bit there too and I wasn’t ready to deal with Fr. Barren in any way shape or form because I knew he might want something from me. All of his staring made me super nervous and I was very aware it was only a matter of time before he purposed something more engaging that I wasn’t willing to participate in. The bell rang and Dom looked at me.

  
“You want me to wait?” He asked me carefully.

  
“No, I’ll meet you at the door,” I said and he nodded filing out with the rest of the class as I waited for the class to empty and Fr. Dunbee did as well.

  
“Come here Mr. McGregor,” He said beckoning me forward making my eyes go wide in fear, “Don’t worry I won’t bite, I promise and swear on the holy mother herself.” He said using his hand to beckon me forward again and I approached slowly.

  
He pulled a book out of his desk that said cliff notes, “You are behind a little bit so I would like you to read this where the sticky note is to where the other sticky note is if you could. Bring it back when you are finished so you’ll be ready for class next week. I have chapters we are going to cover this week marked it will make the test next Monday easier for you,” He said.

  
“Thank you, sir,” I said quietly.

  
“You’re welcome,” He said, “I have a feeling things aren’t easy for you and I know some of the other fathers around here have a different method of dealing with helping kids get their best foot forward but as I’ve stated before I’m not that kind of person and frown on that behavior. However, I’m sure that having missed so much school you do need help so I will do what I can to make sure you have the help you need but you’re still doing the work and earning your grade in an appropriate way.”

  
“I understand sir, thank you so much for the help,” I said.

  
“You can tell me if indecent things are happening to you, I’ll make sure the right people know and you get help. That the situation gets taken care of,” He said.

  
I sighed, I didn’t trust this guy. Hell, I didn’t trust anyone to help me in a way that wouldn’t get my ass handed to me, “Nothing is going on, thank you for your concern though.”

  
“Mr. McGregor, I might be an old fool but I’m an old fool who has seen a lot of things in my time, I won’t do anything to help you until you disclose but know that whomever is hurting you will be transferred out of this school and they will never know that you told when you are ready to take that step. You may go but please don’t mistake me for being feeble minded quiet yet,” He smiled at me politely.

  
“Thank you, sir,” I said and then left nearly sprinting out of the room and down the hallway towards the main corridor and to my next class with Fr. Barren. I made it just as the bell rang.

  
“And barely on time Mr. McGregor,” Fr. Barren said loudly as I passed the threshold of the door, “Ok and today we are continuing with algebra, I am passing work sheets down the aisle and you can work with a partner or on your own I don’t personally care I have stuff I have to take care of today so I will be in my office/broom closet where my desk is making phone calls and taking care of certain stuff. If you need help feel free to knock but I would prefer you try one of your smarter classmates first. Mr. Hagan and Mr. Green would be good candidates.” He said as he handed the papers to the boys in the front row who passed them down the rows to the back each person taking one work sheet and handing the rest to the boy behind them until everyone had a work sheet on their desk.

  
I scooted over to Dom and we started doing our work together, “So did you figure out X for two yet?” He said after a while.

  
“No but I’m not about to go into that office and ask him,” I answered.

  
“Hey Tyler, do you know the answer to number 2?” Dom crowed across the room.

  
“I’m not supposed to give you the answer but help you find it yourself,” Tyler said coming over.

  
“Hey, I’m Tyler Hagan,” Tyler told me offering me his hand to shake which I shook quickly.

  
“I’m John McGregor,” I said introducing myself.

  
“Ok now what you need to do is what’s in the parenthesis first,” He explained as I zoned out and just copied the answer from his paper instead.

  
I actually thought I might end up getting out of the room without dealing with creepy stares or anything worse but as always it wasn’t my day and god smiled down and said fuck you. About two or three minutes before the bell rang father Barren came out of his office and started talking.

  
“Sorry about that everyone, busy stuff going on. Tomorrow we’ll be having a quiz so please study chapters 12 and 13 closely because it will all be on the test. I would really really like to see everyone get a good solid B or higher so if you don’t get a B on the quiz after you get your grade or think you didn’t after you take the test sign up to come see me during study hour. Mr. McGregor please stay after the bell rings so I can catch you up on certain things,” He said just as the bell rang so I stayed in my seat until the class was emptied and then waited until everyone else was gone and approached his desk slowly.

  
“Yes sir?” I asked him making sure I was still out of arms reach.

  
“You know the brotherhood?” He asked me nonchalantly taking his glasses off his face and standing up going towards the door and shutting it the lock clicking into place making me nervous. He must have seen how unsettled that action made me because he said, “Not here I just don’t want anyone to overhear.” As if that would calm me down.

  
“Yeah,” I said fidgeting.

  
“If you want to work out an arrangement it would give your grade the boost it needs,” He said looking me up and down, “You should think about it, I recommend it in your case otherwise I don’t see you passing this class.”

  
“What kind of arrangement?” I asked scared of his answer.

  
“Well, you would come to my place on Saturday and you would do some chores for extra credit. It would raise your grade a significant amount.” He said carefully.

  
“What kind of chores?” I asked swallowing.

  
“The kind that I think it’s better to be discreet about,” He said, “Unlike some people around here I prefer to keep my more unsavory endeavors quiet if you understand my meaning. If you think it will be a problem I already spoke to your father and he agreed that if it would raise your grade it was probably a good idea. So, I can arrange it through him or you either way it will probably transpire.”

  
“Do it through him,” I said my nervous tick kicking in. I didn’t want to deal with this and I didn’t know why he thought I would be a willing participant in those activities.

  
“Ok, I thought I’d give you a chance to arrange it on your terms but if that’s what you prefer I have no problem with that. You may go,” He added dismissing me.

  
I felt shocked and sick to my stomach and had to stop at the bathroom to throw up before the bell rang. I didn’t know what exactly his deal was but I was pretty sure I knew what he wanted but not knowing what to expect made me nervous. I walked numbly to father Finicks class and sat down next to Dom.

  
“You ok?” He asked me scooting his desk close to mine as everyone else started taking their seats before the bell rang.

  
“He wants a private study session,” I answered simply and heard one of the guys at the table in front of us laugh. Alec shifted his eyes between us and guys in front of us and put a finger to his lips as if telling us to be quiet and Mike looked at us curiously.

  
“I thought those were just rumors,” Mike commented.

  
“Well if they are I’m pretty sure John wants to avoid being alone with him,” Dom said.

  
“Wait didn’t he touch you in your no no place commie?” Mike asked Dom.

  
“If he had I wouldn’t be telling you now would I?” Dom asked folding his arms in front of him like he was angry.

  
“You know he’s just fucking with you, right?” Alec asked referring to Mike.

  
“Yeah? Well he’s not very funny,” Dom said.

  
“Oh, defensive much?” Mike asked.

  
Dom huffed, I could tell he was getting super upset but I wasn’t sure what to do. Did I scream out for Mike to shut the fuck up because what he was joking about wasn’t really funny at all because it was something Dom and I actually dealt with or did I just try to shrug it off leaving Dom to feel like his personal space was being invaded on another level? I wasn’t sure but I knew I couldn’t sit by and watch my friend be tormented.

  
“Your gross man,” I said to Mike choosing to keep it simple but stick up for my friend.

  
“What both of you?” Mike asked raising his eyebrows.

  
“No one said anything about being a victim of that shit,” Alec pointed out to Mike.

  
“So, they won’t say they haven’t been. Maybe they liked it?” Mike said.

  
“Says the 9th grader who is sitting in 8th grade science,” Alec hissed.

  
“Dude you said you wouldn’t say anything,” Mike said.

  
“Well, I think you’re taking things a little too far with your suggestions dude and if you can’t chill it I’ll tell the whole class,” Alec warned Mike.

  
“Oh, once this lab is over I’m moving seats and you guys are going to have a lot of problems,” Mike said to the three of us.

  
“Well right now it’s three against one and being someone who failed science it makes me wonder if your math skill aren’t up to speed either,” Dom said a coldness in his eyes and smile on his face as Mike smiled lightly.

  
“I think I like you two, you’re weird but I think there is something about you. Like you two have tempers,” He said.

  
“What is it because we both have red hair?” Dom asked looking at him.

  
“Well they say a lot of stuff about redheads,” Mike said to us winking which caused me to choke on my drink that I was taking a sip, Dom shot Mike a cross look, “See? Tempers.” Mike said.

  
“Because you just tried to kill my friend with your horrible timing,” Dom said defending himself.

  
“I think John is the one with bad timing and a dirty mind,” Alec commented.

  
“I thought you hated me now?” Mike asked Alec

  
“I don’t hate you but I think you have a stick up your ass,” Alec said.

  
“You know what the other rumor about redheads is right dude?” Dom asked cocking an eyebrow at Mike.

  
“No? Maybe that they used to be considered evil and they have horrible tempers which the second one seems true honestly, what’s the other myth?” Mike asked.

  
“That we’re wild in bed,” Dom said and I started laughing trying so hard to be silent I was shaking and my face was turning red.

  
“Dude that’s totally gay Mike,” Alec said looking at Mike.

  
“I didn’t know that one!” Mike said looking surprised, “That was not what I was talking about. I was talking about how you guys get so mad but are super sensitive to pain.”

  
“That is a scientific fact gentlemen,” Fr. Finick said behind me making me jump in my seat because he scared me, “Now if you could please focus on the actual reading we are doing for our lab tomorrow that would be great because it has nothing to do with redheads,”

  
“No, we’re cutting open a frog,” Mike said flipping open his book.

  
“Yeah, we’ll fly past,” Alec said.

  
“I would hope so considering the people at this table,” Fr. Finick said referring mostly to Mike, “Class, I have an announcement, you two stand up,” he said pointing at Dom and I who eyed each other but did as we were told, “What do these two boys have in common?” He asked the class and a guy I knew that was named Shane raised his hand, “Yes, Mr. Donner?”

  
“They both have red hair?” He asked.

  
“That is correct and what is red hair?” He asked.

  
“A genetic mutation sir?” He asked.

  
“Correct again you are smart,” Fr. Finick said, “While we aren’t dissecting redheads tomorrow, be grateful you two, we are dissecting frogs I want you to study the anatomy from your books closely and compare it to the anatomy of your own subjects tomorrow if you find an anomaly please share with me tomorrow and we’ll make it apart of the lesson,” He said, “That is all continue reading.”

  
I sighed flipping the page of my book. I felt embarrassed. My hair had nothing to do with my temper or how I performed in bed. For anyone to suggest that it did made me feel not so great.

  
I could feel father Finick watching our table closely for the rest of the period and when the bell rang he asked for both Dom and I to stay behind, “So gentlemen did you have fun disrupting my class?” He asked us.

  
“Sir I’m sorry,” Dom said trying to keep his face placid.

  
“You Mr. Morrow should know better,” He said looking at Dom, “You Mr. McGregor I thought you were a lot smarter than to push me again. I think we can have some fun before the bell rings don’t you two?” He said looking at us hungrily.

  
Dom sighed heavily, “I’m really sorry sir can we go?” He asked.

  
“I want to do an experiment,” He said smiling, “My hypothesis is that two redheads can get me more aroused then one. Should we test it?”

  
“What?” I asked.

  
“All you have to do is kiss,” He said licking his lips looking at us.

  
“Oh geese,” Dom said shaking his head.

  
“What?” I asked again raising my eyebrows.

  
“He wants us to suck face John,” Dom said.

  
“No I caught that I just want to know why,” I said.

  
“Because,” Fr. Finick said, “I would like to see if two redheads are better than one, come here both of you,” he said beckoning us forward. We came up to him and wrapped an arm around each one of our shoulders so close I could smell his breath on my face or Dom’s I don’t even know whose it was.

  
“You do it you can have C’s,” He whispered in our ears, “You don’t I can’t promise you’ll get a passing grade at all.”

  
I felt trapped. I didn’t want to make out with Dom. He wasn’t ugly but I really didn’t want to make out with Dom I was tired of making out with people I didn’t want to make out with. Dom shook his head and then looked at Fr. Finick, “You know redhead porn is a thing?” He asked him.

  
“Oh, I’m very aware, you have no idea how excited this makes me it would also make my friend Hank very excited,” He cooed and we both flinched at the name which caused him to smile, “So you know him well then?”

  
“Shut up,” Dom hissed.

  
“Just kiss,” He coaxed us, “Just for a minute I’ll even set a timer.”

  
I sighed loudly and looked at Dom, “It’s just a whatever,” I said meaning it wasn’t a big deal and probably something we’d be forced to do at some other point even if we said no right now because we had a little leeway with it being school.

  
“You sure?” Dom asked me putting one of his hands on my waist like he was about to do it.

  
“Yeah,” I nodded my head and before I had a chance to close my mouth Dom’s lips were surrounding mine and his tongue was in my mouth which caused Fr. Finick to almost squeal in delight. He kissed me hard and fast my hands automatically grabbing his shoulders and neck.

  
“That’s what I’m talking about!” Fr. Finick said loudly as we broke apart not making eye contact and both breathing heavily, “Very nice now keep the chatter down from now on yeah?” He said to both of us and then gestured with his hand that we could leave which we both gladly did and headed out to lunch.

  
We didn’t say anything to each other down the hallway my stomach feel queasy and everything else just feeling numb. I wasn’t really sure what to think. I knew I had consented but only so I could get out of that room before I had to do something else a lot worse and I didn’t exactly feel comfortable standing next to Dom anymore at least not for that moment.

  
We finally found Pat and Cole in the hallway and they must have seen it etched on our faces that something was off because they both came towards us meeting us along the wall, “Are you guys ok?” Cole asked us trying to keep his voice down.

  
“Finick wanted to see if two redheads are better than one,” I said and Dom shot me a look.

  
“Wait did he…?” Pat started to ask.

  
“No, he made us make out in front of him,” Dom said not looking at me.

  
“Oh,” Cole said and then cleared his throat, “So John, who is the best kisser out of the three of us?” He asked me smiling.

  
“You asshole!” I said even though I couldn’t stop myself from laughing.

  
“I think anyone of us could answer that question for everyone else now,” Pat said.

  
“Really guys?” Dom sighed, “Could we not I’m so not in the mood to talk about this right now.”

  
“I agree,” I said not really wanting to think about the whole thing.

  
“All right,” Cole said getting slightly serious, “You guys had a bad night last night?” He asked us.

  
I shrugged my shoulders and Dom did the same, “We’re dissecting frogs tomorrow in science,” Dom said as a way of changing the topic.

  
“I remember hearing about that last,” Cole said and he looked at Pat, “Do you remember being told we would be doing that this year?”

  
“No, I missed a lot last year remember? I kind of flunked” He reminded Cole.

  
Cole nodded his head, “I keep forgetting that sorry I don’t mean to remind you that you flunked.”

  
“Its ok I didn’t flunk because I’m stupid I flunked because I was chained up in a bedroom,” Pat said quietly, “Ready for food?” He asked all of us.

  
“As ready as I’ll be,” I answered my stomach having settled enough to where I could probably ingest some food.

  
We got in the lunch line. I ended up getting a sandwich because it was this weird thing they were calling stir fry and it didn’t look very good and I didn’t like Chinese food anymore for obvious reasons and we all ate the chatter of the cafeteria feeling like a sonic assault to my ears as I tried to pay attention to what everyone else at the table was saying. After a couple of minutes Pat tapped in on the shoulder starling me making me jump and drop what was left of my sandwich on the ground.

  
“Geeze,” Cole exclaimed.

  
“Are you all right?” Pat asked me watching my face closely.

  
“Yeah,” I said even though I could feel myself buzzing with anxiety, “I’m all right.” I lied.

  
“Hey, you want to go talk alone?” Dom asked me and I nodded slowly.

  
He got up and lead the way out into the court yard into a corner where no one was at where we would probably usually be smoking in a couple minutes. We both looked at each other for the first time since it happened but didn’t say anything for a few minutes. After the silence grew too strong Dom swallowed.

  
“I’m sorry, you know that right?” He said to me.

  
“It’s not like either of us had a choice really,” I said, “It’s not you that I’m thinking about its…”

  
“Hank?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I answered, “He brought me home after he…”

  
“That sucks,” Dom said simply.

  
“He tried to give me to someone at some truck stop for gas money, let them do things to me,” I managed to say even though my whole body was shaking just thinking about it.

  
“Oh,” Dom said, “That’s not cool.”

  
“No but just hearing his name just,” I sighed, “I hate him and I hate being reminded that he’s real and not some horrible nightmare.”

  
“I try not to think about him,” Dom said, “Because thinking about him makes me think about all the things he’s made me do.”

  
“Yeah,” I said.

  
“You have Pat worried,” He said after a moment, “The jump at the table you should have seen his eyes.”

  
“You really think he’s that worried?” I asked.

  
“Yeah usually you aren’t so locked inside yourself that’s my personality not yours,” Dom said smiling slightly.

  
“I’m just really really tired all of the time,” I said, “My Da says he’s going to give me a break, that things are going to change but it’s kind of hard to believe him.”

  
“Well,” Dom said, “I hope it does. It seems like it’s a break you need because this really isn’t like you at all.”

  
“I know,” I swallowed, “It’s hard you know? Dealing with them and then there’s other stuff.”

  
“Other stuff?” Dom asked me.

  
“Something out of character for my Da, something he’s never really done in that way before,” I said trying to make it sound like a not big deal.

  
“You want to talk about it?” He asked calmly.

  
“I don’t know,” I said shifting my weight from one leg to the other.

  
“You want to talk to Pat or Cole?” He asked me slowly.

  
“I don’t know ok?” I snapped, “Sorry, it’s bothering me but it just feels so…”

  
“Invasive?” Dom asked and I nodded my head, “Yeah I get that sometimes I want to write something down or tell someone something but it feels like it’s on a different level of personal experience so it’s really hard to put it out there.”

  
“Yeah and I’m about to go see McClairen so I’m fucking scared. I don’t think I can deal with that again,” I said.

  
“I had a 3 some last night,” Dom said my eyebrows going up at his candor.

  
“That doesn’t sound pleasant,” I commented.

  
“It was actually pretty painful,” He said nodding his head.

  
“I hit orgasm four different times. By the time, it got to the last one I was begging him to stop and he said I could either do it again or he would give me over to my Uncle who would make me do it as many times as he wanted. I ended up screaming at the top of my lungs while he held me because he didn’t want me jumping from the balcony and that was hell.” I said.

  
“It sounds like hell,” Dom commented, “Having him hold you down after I mean. They do that to me sometimes but not because I’m going to jump we only have one story but because they want to be close to me.”

  
“Did you completely freeze up and just even the thought of moving feels like it’s going to take so much energy you can’t do it?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah,” Dom said, “You’ll feel numb for a while just static and then you’ll start to feel sad. Then angry in a couple of days you’ll be more normal though if he doesn’t do it again right away.”

  
“So, this won’t last?” I asked him.

  
“No, right now you’re just too depressed, my suggestion spend some time with Pat if he makes you feel better then that’s who you need to be around. Trust me.” Dom said.

  
“Ok,” I said nodding. As I looked over Dom’s shoulder and saw Pat and Cole coming towards us Pat once he was close enough to where we were pulling out the pack of smokes.

  
“Hey is everything ok?” Pat asked us.

  
“It’s just a hard day,” Dom said, “For both of us but we’ll be ok.”

  
“John?” Pat said giving me a look that was different from his “fuck you” eyes but just as full of affection, he looked at Dom and Cole, “Do you guys mind if I … cuddle him if he doesn’t mind that is?”

  
“It’s ok with me,” Cole shrugged, “Like you haven’t watched me cuddle with someone in the past, we all must have stood back here while Justin held me like five million times.” Cole answered taking a drag on his lit cig.

  
“I don’t have a problem with it,” Dom answered.

  
“You want to?” Pat asked me looking at me carefully.

  
“It might be nice,” I said and allowed him to grab me and hold me tight. He wrapped his arms around my midriff my face in his neck where I could smell him he smelled like Irish spring and some type of candy that was salty and sweet all at once. The smell that I had gotten close to the night the cameras were pointed at us but this time it felt more real. He turned his head to his other shoulder and brought his cig to his lips blowing air out as I hugged him.

  
“You guys are really not doing well after Fr. Finick huh?” Cole asked.

  
“It’s not just that it’s a lot of different things,” Dom commented.

  
“So, I was right when I asked if you guys had bad nights last night?” He asked again.

  
“I haven’t had a good night in a really long time,” Dom said smiling slightly.

  
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Cole said seriously, “Is there anything I can do to help?”

  
“Not unless you have a time machine and can go back and keep my real parents from giving me up,” Dom answered, “Yesli by eto bylo po-drugomu.”

  
“What does that mean?” Cole asked.

  
“If only it was different,” He sighed, “I think my mom used to say it a lot. I barely remember them but I remember hearing that a lot.”

  
“I’m sorry Dom,” Cole said.

  
“It’s ok it’s the past, right?” Dom smiled lightly.

  
“If you ever just need time to chill you can come over,” Cole said and then his face fell, “Well, fuck never mind that.”

  
“You forgot, didn’t you?” Pat asked him over my head.

  
“Yeah,” Cole sighed, “I mean I like spending time with you but that’s something I’m not looking forward to. We have like nowhere to hang out because honestly I’m not sure who I would rather deal with your Dad on one of theirs.” Cole commented.

  
“We could hang out in the park,” I said turning around Pat loosening his grip but still holding me around my torso while I spoke to everyone else, “I mean they won’t hang out there and who cares if we do?”

  
“It might work,” Pat commented laying his head on my shoulder, “I mean what’s the worst that can happen?” Dom and I shot each other a glance.

  
“What?” Pat asked and then realized who he was talking to, “We just won’t get caught then ok? I swear it to you both of you.”

  
Just then the bell rang and it was time to head off to History which three of us had together. I felt my stomach drop because I was dreading it. I was afraid that Father McClairen would ask me to say behind again so he could “help me” the way he did last time.  
“I’m scared,” I said before we moved.

  
“We’ll catch up guys,” Pat said to Dom and Cole who started through the bushes surrounding our little clearing.

  
“You’ll be ok,” Pat said, “Cole won’t let it happen to you I made him swear he wouldn’t leave you no matter what after last time.” He said holding me tightly.

  
“What if he does what Finick did?” I asked, “I can’t deal with that.”

  
“Hey, I’ll come get you guys ok?” He said to me, “I will do everything I can to make sure nothing happens to you today all right?”

  
“Ok,” I said believing him but thinking it was helpless.

  
“I’m serious Rabbit,” He said considering my eyes, “I will do anything I can to protect you.”

  
“I believe you,” I said and he hugged me tightly and then let me go. We left the bushes and started walking towards the end of the main hall where we went in separate directions. Once I got to class I barely made it again the bell ringing just as I crossed the threshold of the door. Father McClairen was staring at me the moment I got into the room and he kept shifting his collar and tab every time he caught my eye making my skin crawl.

  
“So, Mr. McGregor,” He said about 10 minutes before the bell rang, “I need you to stay after for a couple minutes.”

  
“Oh shit,” Cole said under his breath and then nodded at me as if to say he wasn’t leaving me alone this time no matter what happened. I felt like I was going to be sick. The bell rang and both Cole and I stayed in our seats but Dom got up and left because he hadn’t made Pat any promise to stay.

  
“Mr. Gables are we going to do this again?” Fr. McClairen asked folding his arms in front of him.

  
“Do what?” Cole asked trying to seem laid back.

  
“Interrupt me while I try to tutor another student,” Fr. McClairen answered.

  
“I wouldn’t call that tutoring,” Cole said smiling.

  
Just then Pat knocked on the door, “You guys ready?” He asked.

  
“Mr. Kingly?” Fr. McClairen said raising an eyebrow, “I see well we’re going to the headmaster’s office then.”

  
“Fair enough,” Pat said and Cole gulped looking at Pat.

  
“You can both leave the room and let him spend some time with me or you can all three go see the head master, it’s up to you,” He said and I saw both of their brains struggling to decide.

  
“I can’t let you do that,” Pat said defiantly.

  
“Ok then, let’s go,” Fr. McClairen said standing by the door way waiting for all of us to file out one by one.

  
Pat lead the way down the hallway to the Head master’s office while Cole looked terrified in-between us. I had never been to the head master’s office before and it was past the attendance office and down a hallway inside it where we all stood waiting as Fr. McClairen knocked on the door.

  
“Come in,” a voice called from inside.

  
“Mr. McGregor,” Fr. McClairen said, “I would like you to meet Father Watson, the head master,” He said as Father Watson causally looked up from the paper he was reading and sighed.

  
“These are all brotherhood boys?” He asked looking at the three of us.

  
“Yes sir,” Father McClairen said.

  
“And why are they here?” He asked.

  
“This one owes me some time for a good grade and the other two won’t allow him to give it to me,” He said pointing at me making me feel nervous.

  
Father Watson eyed all three of us, “Mr. Gables,” He said addressing Cole, “It’s been a little while since the last time I saw you.”

  
“Yes sir,” Cole said shivering slightly.

  
“Why were you here the last time?” He asked Cole.

  
“Starting a fight sir,” He said.

  
“And what did I make you do Cole,” he said the name sounding like poison on his tongue.

  
Cole swallowed, “You tossed my salad.” Cole said using slang that I didn’t quite understand but whatever it was didn’t seem pleasant at all from the look on Coles face.

  
“Yet you haven’t seemed to have learned your lesson,” Father Watson commented.

  
“I think you should be giving all three of them some time Fr. McClairen,” Father Watson said to him looking at the three of us, “I can help if you like.”

  
“What?” I squeaked.

  
“We need to make a phone call before we do that,” Fr. McClairen said, “This one is a five.” I knew he was referring to me.

  
“Well this one is a three,” He said referring to Cole.

  
“What about you?” Father McClairen said looking at Pat, “You want to tell us or are you going to show us?”

  
“ You already know I’m a three,” Pat said.

  
“Ok strip,” Father Watson said as he picked up the phone, “What’s your phone number?” He asked me.

  
“Are you really doing this?” I asked.

  
“Yes, I can promise you won’t ever misbehave again after this,” Watson said, “What’s your home phone number?”

  
“555-0639,” I said and he dialed it.

  
“ Hello, Mr. McGregor this is Headmaster Watson I’m calling with John in my office, he gave a teacher some trouble and I’d like permission to teach him a lesson,” he paused, “Yes, I believe this is going to be the only time Father McClairen is here with me and so are the young Mr. Gables and young Mr. Kingly,” he paused again, “So you’re ok with that but not…I see, Yes I understand, yes sir, thank you.” He said and hung up the phone.

  
“What did he say,” Mr. McClairen asked curiously.

  
“He said no anal, that he had to be at least partially clothed but otherwise we were all right to do what we wanted including force some engagements if we like and that they could do more but only because it sounded hot,” Watson said a smile on his face.  
“So, they can fuck him but we can’t?” McClairen said a disappointed look on his face.

  
“Oh, I have some toys around, he said we couldn’t stick our dicks in his ass not that we couldn’t stick other things in his ass,” Watson said.

  
I looked over and both Cole and Pat were in their underwear and Watson came around the desk pulling off his Tab and starting to undo his shirt. I swallowed hard a toy did not sound fun and thinking of having to have sex with Cole made me sick to my stomach. I wanted to run but I knew there was nowhere to go. I couldn’t believe just one phone call and my Da had gone back on everything he had said about giving me a break.

  
“Come on baby,” McClairen said to me starting to undo my tie as I stood there frozen feeling the ice pumping through my veins.

  
“Don’t call him baby,” Pat spat at McClairen.

  
McClairen just smiled, “Just relax,” He said as he undid the rest of my button up to the point where my vest was and then just pulled them both off at once leaving me standing there in my undershirt and Khakis. He backed me up and my knees hit a chair causing me to fall back into it and then he got down on his knees. I knew what he was going to do and I felt like I couldn’t breathe I didn’t want his mouth on me let alone down there. He reached for my belt.

  
“Please,” I said as he stuck his hand down my undone pants and started rubbing me while the rest of the room tried to ignore what was happening or watched.

  
“Leave him alone,” Pat said as Watson pushed Pat slowly to the other side of the room and Cole glanced between us trying to figure out who to help.

  
He pulled my pants and underwear down my hips exposing my penis and rubbing it out in the open making me freeze even more, “God you have a huge dick for your age,” he muttered somewhere near my pubic bone and then I felt the warm wetness cover me causing ice to shoot up my spine and out into my limbs and I knew he was blowing me my breath becoming heavy and my face flushing red.

  
I was honestly afraid to move because I was afraid that he would hurt me or if he didn’t hurt me that I would somehow makes things worse for Pat by making someone angry. I closed my eyes trying to block it out trying to block out the fact that one of the people I cared about the most was having his face pressed into a huge wooden desk as someone raped him and he wasn’t making a sound and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I closed my eyes and tried to block out the own unwanted warmness around my penis as father McClairen sucked and licked making me fully erect and then working me towards climax.

  
“Stop,” I said letting him know how I felt about what he was doing to me.

  
“Shut up kid you’re going to ruin my rhythm,” Watson yelled from across the room where Pat was under him silent his eyes shut his face tensed. I was in pain just looking at him and knew that if my Da had given them permission that would have been me.  
“shit,” I gasped McClairen doing something that sent a jolt through my body and up my spine. I wanted to throw up and I thought I was going to but then he hit something else and my eyes started to roll and I knew I had hit orgasm and that I couldn’t control my body anymore as I started to ejaculate into McClairen’s mouth who gladly swallowed it as if it was water and he were in the desert dying of thirst.

  
When I was done, he came up for air wiping his mouth and I cringed waiting for him to say it, to say what they always said that made my soul want to die but he didn’t instead he started kissing my inner thighs and I felt tears running down cheeks and onto my neck only then did I realize I was crying. I knew he wasn’t done that he was trying to get me to rise again and I didn’t want it to happen, I wanted him to stop.

  
“Mr. Gables come here,” McClairen said using his hand to motion Cole over who was standing in the middle of the room frozen.

  
Cole numbly came over to us and he forced Cole onto the ground next to him and taking down his pants while he stood up, “Suck it,” he told Cole as he shoved his dick in Cole’s mouth inches from me.

  
The smell alone made me want to vomit so I could only imagine how Cole felt having McClairen’s dick poking him in the back of the throat as McClairen mouth fucked him. This was sick. I closed my eyes hoping when I opened them it would all be over. I opened my eyes and it was almost over. Pat was pulling up his pants and so was Watson while Cole was on the floor throwing up in a potted plant in the corner.

  
“I suggest you boys listen to Fr. McClairen from now on? You understand?” Father Watson said and we all nodded, “Your grades might suffer otherwise, give them B’s and if they misbehave again mark them down,” Father Watson said, “You may all go.” He dismissed us with a wave of his hand.

  
I stood up numbly and did up my pants as Pat helped Cole to his feet. We all hurried from the office and walked as fast as Pat could walk which when you’ve just been ass raped isn’t very fast I’m going to be honest about that but, they didn’t chase us down.

  
“I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to eat food again,” Cole croaked, “My throat is so fucking sore.”

  
“At least it’s just your throat,” Pat said.

  
“I am so sorry you guys,” I said, “Don’t ever help me with him again I’ll deal with it on my own.”

  
“Bullshit,” Pat said, “Never by yourself, ever.”

  
“But you both got hurt,” I said.

  
“Hey I’d rather take it up the ass then what they did to you any day,” Pat commented.

  
“Don’t,” I said, meaning don’t mention it because I wanted to forget it had happened.

  
“Sorry,” Pat said quietly, “Just it’s the one thing I hate the most.”

  
“Me too,” I said feeling the tears starting to fight their way out of my tear ducts.

  
“Oh rabbit,” Pat said hugging me, “Don’t cry I’m sorry. Never on your own ok? Never no matter what,” He said rubbing my neck and shoulders gently helping wash away some of the bad feelings and giving me that look that Coles called his “I want to fuck you” face.”

  
Cole coughed, “Can you not do that right now?” He asked even though he was smiling like he was about to crack up.

  
“Sorry,” Pat said taking his hands off me.

  
“Isn’t that a part of the reason we were in there in the first place?” Cole reminded us.

  
“Yes, sorry ok I’m trying just something about him…” Pat said looking at me again.

  
“Dude, if you can’t look at him like a normal person don’t look at him I’m serious,” Cole said standing in-between us blocking Pat’s view of me.

  
“ok, geese,” Pat sighed in exasperation.

  
“Hey, I’m only saying that so we don’t end up in trouble again,” Cole mentioned.

  
“The only reason why we got in trouble was because someone else can’t look at me without wanting to fuck me,” I whined, “At least Pat can look at me and keep his hands to himself even if his eyes don’t exactly communicate that.”

  
“Thank you for defending me!” Pat said rolling his eyes and sticking out is tongue at Cole.

  
“And I’m supposed to be the gay one,” Cole remarked with a sly smile on his face.

  
“Oh, shut up!” Pat said grabbing Cole and putting him in a head lock as they both laughed continuing down the hallway.

  
They really were best friends I remember thinking. They didn’t seem to care what anyone watching might have thought nor did they seem to let what had just happened bother them in that moment, it was the three of us, walking down the hallway of our school being teenagers. Being together and being happy. Those moments were the best moments.

  
“How are we getting home?” Cole asked from under Pat’s arm.

  
“Dad,” Pat sighed and they both shot a look back at me that made me nervous.

  
“I’ll sit up front,” Cole nodded his head as Pat let him go and he clapped him on the shoulder.

  
“Don’t even hesitate to get in the back with Pat, just do it,” Cole said.

  
“Thanks, he does get handsy in the car” I said.

  
“How do you know?” Cole raised an eyebrow at me.

  
“That’s something my Uncle does and they seem to have a lot in common,” I said.

  
“Oh lovely,” Cole wrinkled his nose in disgust.

  
“That and I did get to ride with him the other night,” I sighed the memory making me shiver, “It seemed like his hand was super glued to my leg the entire ride.

  
“But he didn’t put his hand anywhere else?” Cole asked me curiously.

  
“Not in the car, no,” I answered.

  
“huh,” Cole huffed.

  
“What?” I asked.

  
“Just he can be very into putting his hands in places they don’t belong while he drives, at least when I ride with him,” Cole said.

  
“You’ve never told me that,” Pat said looking at Cole concerned.

  
“Yeah well, I don’t tell you everything just like I know you don’t tell me everything,” Cole remarked.

  
“What do you think I don’t tell you?” Pat asked him.

  
“Well, there are things I know my dad does that you have never mentioned him doing which I know for a fact he would do with you,” Cole said as Pat eyed him suspiciously.

  
“Well, I like to keep somethings to myself for different reasons. And If you’re talking about what I think you’re talking about could we skip this conversation all together?” Pat asked.

  
“Don’t like thinking about your balls getting clamped?” Cole asked and Pat hissed closing his eyes like the mere thought caused him pain.

  
“Yeah Cole I really don’t,” Pat said, “So could we not talk about it?”

  
“I’ve never spent time alone with him,” I commented.

  
“You don’t want to,” They both said in unison.

  
“I mean he’s not as bad as my Dad but, he can still be pretty horrible,” Pat said.

  
“You remember a couple weekends ago?” I asked Pat cautiously.

  
“Yes,” Pat said.

  
“Other than you know, that’s like one of the worst thing anyone has ever done to me,” I said remember how consistent my orgasms had been while Hanks finger bumped against my prostate in the way he did how he had made me climax over and over without ever touching my penis and how intense that feelings was, how sick it had made me feel.

  
Pat was silent for a moment, “It always …every time, I just…” Pat sighed struggling to find the words he was looking for.

  
Cole sighed, “I think I know exactly what you are talking about and it’s actually something they do to make you feel that way. It’s called prostate milking and I find it to be very invasive as well.”

  
“I have never heard that expression before,” I said and Pat gave me a dirty smile, “I didn’t mean it like that!”

  
“Maybe not but you said it and the response was prefect in my opinion.” Pat said as Cole shook his head and we finally made it out the door of the school.

  
We only stood there a short while before the Cruiser pulled up and as told I climbed into the back without hesitation. I knew they had asked me to do that for my own protection because they didn’t want Hank putting his hands on me. Especially not with everything we had just dealt with. I still felt dirty from it and I knew my Da would probably want to do something similar to me after I got home and I was dreading it, my stomach feeling like it was filled with lead every time I stopped to really think about it. I don’t remember anything that was talked about as Hank drove me home. I only remember thinking about how much trouble I would probably be in because the headmaster had called my house. When we got to the street corner Pat grabbed my hand and squeezed it lightly making me jump.

  
“Woah, you ok back there?” Hank asked adjusting his review mirror so he could see me in the reflection.

  
“Yeah, sorry,” I said our gazes meeting for a moment through the reflection.

  
“You’ve been a jumpy and moody kid lately,” He said, “Not like when I first met you.”

  
“A lot has changed since you first met me,” I said.

  
“True, you seemed anxious when I first met you but not moody, now you always seem pissed,” Hank said.

  
“Wouldn’t you be pissed is someone was always trying to stick their dick up your ass?” Pat growled at his dad.

  
“Paddy don’t even start, this isn’t the place or time,” Hank warned.

  
“There isn’t a place or time that’s my point,” Pat hissed back.

  
“No there is, this just isn’t it,” Hank said, “You’re Dad said you were off limits so there wasn’t any need for you to sit in the back anyway.” He addressed me.

  
I sighed heavily and looked down at my lap. Having him talk about it in front of Cole and Pat really hit a nerve. I was very aware they knew what Hank did to me and to them as well it just felt like it was something that was supposed to be private.

  
“Really Dad?” Pat hissed.

  
“What? It’s not like you guys don’t know that we fuck. I fuck both of you two as well. Not nearly as often but, that’s because John has such a tight ass,” Hank said smiling as he watched Cole’s mouth drop open and my face glow as red as my hair.

  
“Fucking really Dad? You don’t have to talk about it,” Pat glared at Hank and I couldn’t look at anything but my lap wishing I wasn’t in the car feeling like I couldn’t breathe, “John, you’re ok,” Pat whispered in my ear squeezing my hand tighter.

  
“Hey! No whispering I don’t want you two touching either,” He said as he pulled into my drive way. I didn’t wait for him to get up to the gate I opened the car door and hopped out with the car still moving slowly.

  
I walked up and punched in the code to make the gate swing forward and I walked almost ran up the drive way and into the kitchen. I could feel my face still hot. I didn’t want him talking about that to them. Not to them. I wasn’t looking where I was going even though I should have been and I ran into someone who grabbed me by the shoulders making my blood run cold.

  
“Hey Johnny,” My Uncle said smiling at me making me feel sick to my stomach.

  
“Hi,” I said barely above a whisper not looking at his face.

  
“Don’t worry I can’t do anything no matter how much I want to,” He whispered into my ear kissing my temple and then removing his hands from my shoulders, “Go upstairs.”

  
I walked up to the second floor and rode the elevator all the way upstairs dropping my bag in the hallway and then running into my room and then into the bathroom where I peeled off my clothes and showered. I made it quick shower because I knew there was some homework I had to do like reading my cliff notes for English class. When I got out of the shower I jumped 10 feet in the air.


	23. 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matt asks John some uncomfortable questions which causes a confrontation with Da. Mum and John have a dicussion about Da and the situation they are in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter that is from 494 to page 505 Warnings: Rape/non-con Talk of rape/non-con, talk of sexual abuse, HOMOPHOBIA, invasion of privacy, talk of underage drug use, talk of underage drinking.

Matthew was sitting on the edge of my bed almost like he was in suspended animation waiting for someone to twist his crank and bring him to life like a winde-up toy.

  
“Matty? What are you doing?” I asked him slightly unsettled.

  
“Waiting,” He answered simply.

  
“For what?” I asked looking at him. Something didn’t feel right. Something was really off.

  
“Do you like it when they suck your dick?” He asked point blank making me balk at his candor.

  
“Wh-what?” I stammered.

  
“You know when they take your dick and lick it and stuff?” He asked me again.

  
“No, I-I know what you meant but why are you asking?” I asked him.

  
“Just curious,” He said titling his head to the side looking at me intently.

  
“I don’t want to talk about that,” I answered.

  
“Why not? I’ll talk about it if that will make you feel better,” He said.

  
I shook my head, “I really don’t want to talk about that and no hearing you talk about it won’t make me feel better. I know they had you locked downstairs Will told me. Is that what brought this about?” I asked.

 

“Maybe, I don’t know,” Matt said shifting uneasily.

  
“You know it’s wrong right?” I asked him going over to my dresser and grabbing some underwear and PJ pants out of my drawers.

  
“I know that’s what you say,” He answered me after a moment almost as if he were thinking carefully about his response more careful then a nine year old usually thought about things.

  
“What does that mean?” I asked suspicious of why he worded it the way he did.

  
“Well if what he does is bad why didn’t mum just tell someone that would make him stop? Why did she take us away like she was doing something bad?” He asked.

  
“Because there’s no one she can tell that will make it stop,” I said.

  
“Yeah but at school they say if someone is hurting you, you tell the police even if it’s your parents. She must not think he’s hurting us if she didn’t go to the police. Da went to the police when mum took us away so why is it if he’s doing bad things he gets to tell the police but she doesn’t? That must mean she’s the bad one if she won’t tell them stuff, right?” He tried to explain his reasoning to me.

  
“You mean Hank?” I asked just saying the name making me cringe.

  
“Yeah, he’s police, right?” Matt asked me.

  
“Yes, but not all police are good people. Some are bad people just like not all priest are good priest and some are bad,” I explained.

  
“Why is Hank bad?” He asked me.

  
I felt a lump catch in my throat. I didn’t want to talk about this. Not to Matt. Not to anyone. I realized Will knew and James but I didn’t know if anyone else really knew what Da was doing to me, what he was letting other people do to me and I didn’t want to tell Matt about it.

  
“Because he’s not a nice person ok?” I asked him even though I could feel myself trying not to cry.

  
“Does he love you like Da loves you?” He asked, “Because Da says it’s love you know?”

  
“That’s not love. If someone loves you they don’t hurt you. What Da does to me hurts me,” I answered.

  
“He doesn’t hurt me,” He answered, “It makes me feel weird but it doesn’t hurt.Sometime I think it even feels nice.”

  
“There are different types of hurt,” I answered, “Like has anyone ever said or done anything that makes you feel really really sad?”

  
“Sometimes I guess,” He answered and shrugged his shoulders.

  
“That’s a type of hurt. What Da does makes me hurt like that,” I replied.

  
“Really? It doesn’t do that to me,” Matt answered, “He says it’s normal and the fact that mum couldn’t go to the police means she’s the bad one not him. It doesn’t look like he’s hurting you.”

  
“W—what?” I stammered feeling my face starting to turn red.

  
“In the video you don’t sound like he’s hurting you and it doesn’t look like he is,” Matt answered again.

  
“Can you leave?” I asked having had enough not wanting to think about the fact that he had seen the same video as mum. That my Da had shown someone else that video of us together with me beyond black out drunk.

  
“Why? Are you mad at me?” Matt asked innocently.

  
“No, I just need to be by myself,” I answered trying to hold it together.

  
“He only showed it to me so I could see how to be good,” He said and I felt my face flush even more.

  
“ I don’t even remember him making that but I can tell you that whatever happened in it I don’t remember and I didn’t like it despite what it looked like,” I sighed, “Can you go now?”

  
“If you didn’t like it why did you make sounds like you did?” He asked me.

  
At that I couldn’t take it anymore and I turned on my heel and slammed my bathroom door shut. I didn’t want to deal with this right now. He was using me to brainwash my siblings into thinking what he did was ok? I felt so sick I ended up throwing up until I was dry heaving and dizzy. How could someone be so evil? I felt like screaming and ripping my tongue out so I could never make another sound. I hated myself and the fact that I felt I had allowed him to use me so that he could continue hurting them and make them feel like it was all ok or normal. I got dressed and when I opened the bathroom door Matt was gone.

  
I sat down and tried to do my homework but I couldn’t concentrate I was so angry and so hurt. After a while I gave up on homework and made myself a sandwich. After eating I went down to the third floor and bursts into Da’s office without knocking.  
“I’m going to have to call you back in a bit I apparently have something to deal with,” He said into the phone, “Yes sir, I understand, yes I get it I’ll arrange it, thank you sir, yes have a good evening,” He said and then put the phone back in it’s cradle as he looked up, “Can I help you?” he asked me.

  
“You showed Matt the video?” I asked him my voice dripping with hate.

  
He sighed happily and smiled, “It is a very very good video,” He said, “People have been actually paying a good price to see it.”

  
“No,” I said shaking my head as he got up out of his chair and made his way around the desk, “No, no, you didn’t, you didn’t,” I repeated backing into the wall trying to avoid his grasps as his hands found their way around my waist.

  
“You were so good in that video though baby,” He hissed into my ear as I tensed up squeezing my eyes shut, “If I let you get drunk enough think you’ll do it again?”

  
“Da please,” I gulped, “You said you’d give me some space,” I reminded him.

  
“You came to me though,” He said, “If you wanted space why’d you come to see me?” he asked his hand going to the draw string of my pants.

  
“Please,” I said as his other hand found one of my hips grabbing at the fabric there and starting to pull down.

  
“If you didn’t want to you should’ve stayed upstairs. I’ll make sure you feel good though, I promise,” He said kissing my cheek and then forcing his tongue past my lips as I felt myself starting to panic.

  
I pushed at him trying to push him away but he was too strong. He was always too strong back then it felt like. The next thing I remember he had me on his desk his hands touching every inch of me he could as I squeezed my eyes shut hoping that he would stop before his hands found my more intimate places. My pants and underwear off, my shirt pushed halfway up my torso as he made out with me pressing me hard into the desk his fingers digging into my hip bones as my hands pressed into his chest trying to push him away and push him off me even though I was allowing him to kiss me in ways that a dad shouldn’t kiss his son because I was hoping if I gave him something I wouldn’t have to give him everything. Before I knew it his pants were around his knees and he was inside of me on his work desk his computer crashing to the ground my breath catching in my throat mixed with a scream that was stuck in my chest.

  
“That’s it baby,” He cooed into my ear as he rammed into me making me bit my lip to keep from screaming as I started to cry, “Oh god yes, I love you so much,” he said into my shoulder as he used his body weight to push farther into me hitting something hard making my eyes go wide my breath coming in short frenzied gasps because he wouldn’t slow down.

  
“You feel so good,” He moaned into my shoulder before pulling up and using my hips to thrusts harder which made my scream finally break free.

  
“You’re hurting,” I choked out as he pumped as hard as he could until he climaxed collapsing on top of me all of the air knocked out of him as his cum filled me.

  
When he caught his breath his lifted his body weight off me and looked into my face brushing the sweat soaked hair back from my forehead and kissing it, “I didn’t mean to hurt,” he cooed, “I just love you so much baby. You can’t blame me for wanting to show people can you?” He asked me head budding my shoulder and starting to kiss from my jaw bone down into my collar bone and I knew he was trying to make his way down my body as I tried pushing him away again.

  
“Please,” I begged him. He knew I hated that more than anything and yet no matter what he did to get himself off he almost every time without fail gave me a blow job. His kisses finding the center of my chest, “Da please,” I begged again feeling too tired to really fight hard against it as he placed a kiss above my navel, “Wait,” I said grabbing the sides of his head which caused him to look up at me from where he was leaning over my body.

  
“Yes baby?” He asked me patiently.

  
“I…,” My words failed me because he had never been so receptive to anything I had said while he was trying to go down on me just always dismissed it telling me he knew I liked it no matter what I said that told him different.

  
“It’s not a big deal,” He said kissing below my belly button, “I know it feels good just relax.” He said taking my hands and gently removing them from the side of his head placing them by my sides. I didn’t know what else to do so I grabbed the side of the desk and braced myself against it as he took my penis into his hand and then started sucking, my mouth falling open as I started to become hard. He sucked hard and slow making sure he licked and rubbed in a way that would get him the response he wanted which was me breathless and squirming unable to speak or really do anything but try and not moan because of the sensations traveling through my body, up and down my spine and in and out of my limbs making me feel like a puddle of puddy as he caused me to reach climax and cum in his mouth where he swallowed.

  
“I still love that taste,” He sighed happily wiping his mouth with the back of his hand smiling at me, “One day you’ll understand how much I love you, how special you are.”

  
“You don’t love me,” I said impulsively before I could stop myself when I felt his hand start to tighten where it was still around my penis which caused me to freeze immediately.

  
“If you think I don’t love you, you should see the things I do to the boys I don’t love,” He hissed as he exerted more pressure causing me to grab his wrist in hopes he would stop.

  
“I got it,” I said hoping he would stop squeezing before he started to really hurt me.

  
“Good as long as you understand,” He hissed as he stopped squeezing and started rubbing again.

  
“Woah, wait,” I said feeling my face starting to flush again.

  
“Oh come on, you’re the one who came to me remember?” He asked starting to rub faster bring me back to attention.

  
“Da please,” I begged him. I already felt beyond dirty and tired. I didn’t want him to keep going, I wanted him to stop. I wanted all of it to stop and never happen again.

  
“You know you like it,” He whispered, “ I made this body and I’ll do what I want with it don’t forget that,” He said leaning over me again his tongue traveling from below my belly button to my penis sending a shock up my body as his mouth surrounded me.  
The feeling always got to me and made me feel ashamed of my body because it felt good. Even if I didn’t want it to it felt good because it’s a physical act so my body was responding the way it’s meant to respond no matter how hard I tried to fight it or how much I didn’t want it to happen my body did what it’s supposed to do which is something my Da really got off on. I can’t remember how many times he made me climax at that point but when he was done he climbed onto the desk and held me as I laid there tense and frozen against him.

  
“Don’t be like this baby,” He whispered into my shoulder as he hugged me tightly, “Don’t pretend you don’t like it.”

  
“It’s wrong,” I whispered back.

  
“Who says? Everyone else? Why do they have to matter?” He muttered into my neck as he held me tightly.

  
“Because their right,” I said forcefully, “I don’t want this, I don’t like the way it makes me feel why do you think I want to kill myself? Because this makes me feel gross Da, It doesn’t feel right.”

  
“It just doesn’t feel right because they tell you that it shouldn’t,” He answered me pulling back from me and looking deep into my eyes, “There is nothing wrong with this, my Da loved me like this and I turned out fine, happy even. Your mum is going to give me lots of children and I’ll love everyone of them in the same way that I love you even if it’s not as much. I think you’re just scared of what everyone else thinks and that’s why you want to hurt or kill yourself sometimes when you shouldn’t worry about that. You don’t have to tell anyone about this if you don’t want to, it can be between us our special secret ok?”

  
“Da don’t you understand it’s not them,” I said as I felt myself fighting back the lump in my throat.

  
“Don’t start that,” He said looking at me seriously, “ It is them. You’re my son you’re supposed to think what I tell you to think and this, us the way I’m raising you is just fine. In fact it’s better than fine how many boys can say they have such a loving and open relationship with their father? How many boys your age have their dad’s in their lives anyway? The brotherhood makes sure all of you boys are loved and cared for by men who take care of you.”

  
“Until we do something you don’t like, until we tell you no or we do something you don’t like then what do we get? Killed? Sold off to the highest bidder?” I spat.

  
“John don’t even start. Do you want to make me mad? I will take you to the Villa and that is something I can promise you, you won’t like and then you’ll be begging me to make sure it’s only me you understand?” He said and I nodded my head, “Leo has been asking about you, I have to say I wouldn’t mind seeing Dylan again.”

  
I felt my stomach drop. As much as I hated Hank I disliked Leo and Dylan more. They made me feel sick to my stomach in so many different ways. My Da must have seen it from the look on my face because he smiled widely.

  
“So that got your attention huh?” He said kissing me on the cheek, “Don’t worry I won’t let him for now. I want you to be mine for a while ok?”

  
“I don’t like the way he makes me feel,” I confirmed.

  
“Ok then, remember that, you can go now if you want. Don’t complain anymore because it could always be worse baby ok? I love you.”

  
“Yeah,” I said sliding off the desk and grabbing my clothes leaving as quickly as I could.

  
I felt like screaming as I rode up the elevator back to the fourth floor. I avoided everyone and got to my room drinking a good amount from my stash until I was sure I couldn’t feel anymore. After a while Will knocked on the door lightly.

  
“I made Mac and cheese for dinner,” He said after a moment cracking the door.

  
“I’m not hungry thanks though,” I replied.

  
“Are you ok?” He asked me.

  
“Not really,” I answered.

  
“You want to talk about it?” He asked me.

  
“Just keep Matt away from me for a while ok?” I sighed remembering how carefully Matt had worded everything how terrified I was that Da had turned him and that he had used me to do it.

  
“Matt’s been through a lot so if he’s being weird just try to brush it off ok?” Will asked gently.

  
“Da showed him the same video he showed mum,” I said, “And now Matt is asking me really really personal questions and I just I can’t deal with it.”

  
“Like what type of questions?” Will asked.

  
“If I like it, he thinks I like it Will because he saw one video of me black out drunk where I was…” I sighed not being able to finish.

  
“Matt’s too little he doesn’t understand,” Will said, “It’s different for them because it’s all they’ve ever really known.”

  
“I was four the first time Uncle Ben ever did anything to me and even I still know it’s not right regardless of what Da tells me because I’m not stupid.” I said.

  
“Matt is not stupid he’s confused,” Will sighed, “They had him locked down there since we got home yesterday and they only let him back up here to bathe and eat and go to school. Da is going to come and take him back downstairs tonight. The lock on the pantry is gone John I don’t know if you noticed that or not but things are seriously fucked up right now. You can’t blame him for being a confused kid.”

  
“He asked me if I like oral Will,” I nearly yelled, “He asked me if I like it when Da…” I felt my face going red just thinking about it.

  
“He outright just asked?” Will looked at me his eyes wide in shock.

  
“YES!” I said.

  
“That’s not right,” Will said, “I’ll talk to him when I get the chance ok?”

  
“Yeah, just keep him away from me for a while ok?” I said and Will nodded his head.

  
“Can you help out though? I’m drowning here I need to get everyone in bed,” He said and I nodded my head.

  
I helped him get everyone in bed and asleep while I avoided Matt and then I went to my room and did homework. I don’t remember falling asleep and when my Alarm went off the next morning I was laying my head at the foot of the bed drooling into my cliff notes. I got up and got everyone ready for school that needed to be ready and went into the nursery to check on the babies to find my mum there in the rocking chair rocking Mac softly. When she saw me she smiled sadly and I could see the badly applied make up trying to hide her black and blue eyes from the world.

  
“Mum?” I asked softly.

  
“I’m all right,” She said rubbing Mac’s back as he stirred softly in his sleep, “Are you?”

  
I shook my head, “We’re not supposed to be here.”

  
“I know love I’m so sorry,” She replied, “We’ll try again just give me some time. Your Da said he’s going to let up a little so that’s good news right?”

  
“Yeah he said he would give me some space and then showed that video to Matty,” I whispered.

  
“What?” She asked me and I nodded my head, “Oh love, I’m so sorry I know that’s not something you want anyone to see.”

  
“Why does he hate me so much?” I asked her.

  
“I don’t think your Da knows what love and hate are, not like the rest of us,” She answered, “There was a point where I thought he loved me but now I’m not so sure but I don’t think he hates me.”

  
“How can you say that when you have two black eyes?” I asked her.

  
“Love and hate are complicated and messy John,” She sighed, “You’ll understand when you’re older.”

  
“Don’t say that, Love is not complicated not like that mum. I know what love is I…” She cut me off.

  
“If you’re talking about that friend you have that’s not love that’s confusion. That’s because of the ideas your Da put into your head and remember those thoughts are sinful that is nothing like love,” She said seriously.

  
“Well I know Da doesn’t love me,” I said.

  
“No he does love you, just not the way he should,” She said.

  
“You don’t hurt people you love mum. If he loved us he wouldn’t hit you and hold you hostage in your own house. If he loved me he wouldn’t make me do what he does,” I said avoiding her gaze.

  
“Are you still writing in your journal?” She asked me.

  
“Did he find the journals?” I asked her.

  
“No he did not, I had them hidden in the spare tire compartment, Luckily Arthur didn’t get a flat huh?” She said.

  
“ There are so many things that he’s done you know?” I said feeling for the first time ever that I might be able to tell her about all of it on my own.

  
She nodded her head slowly and got up putting Mac back in his crib, “I know and I’m so beyond sorry that I haven’t been strong enough or good enough to stop him. You all deserve so much better and I wish this wasn’t happening, that things were different. That’s why we’re going to try again and next time we will get away I promise. Your Da is going to go away for a while. Business in New York so maybe that will give everyone a chance to refocus and hopefully things will calm down.”

  
“He didn’t tell me that,” I said.

  
“When did you talk to him?” She asked me curiously.

  
“Yesterday. I got so mad when I found out he showed Matty that I went to go yell at him…” I trailed off.

  
“Love you shouldn’t be alone with him. Ever. And you know why please don’t do that again next time you have something to say to him come to me first ok?” She sighed, “I can’t trust him anymore not with any of you especially not with you.”

  
The way she looked at me it dawned at me. She had broken her promise to never read our journals without permission. I felt my face starting to turn red and I knew the air wasn’t moving through my chest. She must have seen something in my face because she grabbed me before I even realized I was losing my balance.

  
“Love it’s ok. I’m sorry I know I broke my promise and I’m sorry but there was so much you weren’t saying and I was so worried and now I know that I’m right to be worried. He can’t be alone with you. Not ever you understand me? Not ever,” She said hugging me tightly.

  
“You weren’t supposed to,” As all I could managed to say as this dull numb washed over me.

  
“I know and I’m sorry but there are so many things you won’t tell me and now you don’t have to. We never have to talk about them if you don’t want and I will never bring them up now that is a promise I can keep but now you don’t have to tell me any of it because I already know and it has just made it that much more clear to me why we have to leave. I had no idea things were this bad.” She said, “I didn’t know it was teachers and that he was…” I cut her off.

  
“What, that he was what? That I’m his whore? That he sells me to people? That he lets other people do things to me for fun because he gets off on it? That sometimes more than one of them does it at a time? What mum you wanted to know all of it? You wanted me to tell you that? Why so you can feel sorry for me? Ashamed by me? What why would you possible want to know any of that? So you can hate me because I’ve ruined everything for you for everyone else?” I managed to choke out.

  
“I will never feel ashamed of how brave you are you understand me? I don’t hate you and you have ruined nothing Johnathan you understand me? He ruined this family not you. This is all on him not you and the sooner we get out of this the sooner you will be able to see that,” She said.

  
“It’s not like I stop them,” I said.

  
“You’re 13 how much can you do to stop a group of grown men from hurting you? How much can anyone in that situation do? Do your friends feel this way too? When they are in the same situation do they blame themselves for not stopping it? I doubt it because it’s not your fault there is nothing you can do and I am doing what I can to make this stop by making sure he goes away and that he’s going to stay away until I can get things together enough so we can leave again and he will never find us next time I swear it to you.” She promised me.

  
“You know Hank brought me home right?” I asked her knowing that she had a very good idea of what Hank was like now.

  
“Oh dear,” She sighed.

  
“I hate him. I hate all of them,” I said.

  
“Me too love, me too,” she said.

  
“I hate that I can’t numb out anymore. I hate my life I hate that my brother is turning into some freak that thinks this is all ok. I hate my teachers that just have to make one fucking phone call and if Da says it’s ok then they can…” I stopped myself realizing I hadn’t written any of that down.

  
“Teachers?” She asked me, “Your journal mentioned that a couple gave you the creeps and there were rumors but have they…?” She left her question open ended.

  
“One. Another has hinted that he wants to ask for Da’s permission because I won’t … I don’t want to,” I answered.

  
“No wonder you are so confused. You probably feel like it’s normal to be with other men or boys like that when God very clearly states it’s unnatural behavior,” She mumbled, “I can’t believe that the priest at your school are into allowing this sick and blasphemous behavior to go on. I’m glad you don’t want to though that tells me that maybe the feelings you have for your friend aren’t really of that nature but that you’re just confused.”

  
“I am confused,” I admitted, “I’m very confused but I know I’m not afraid of him. I know he cares about me and that he wants me to be safe to feel safe around him so he tries very hard to make sure that I do. I know being with him…” My mum cut off my words.

  
“You mean you’ve…?” She started to ask.

  
“Oh no, no no no,” I shook my head, “I didn’t mean like that I just meant being around him.” I said adamantly leaving out the tiny detail that there had been some contact of that nature beyond just the kissing she had walked in on.

  
She sighed with relief, “Good. There are so many things I have to worry about with you thanks to your Da I don’t want to have to worry about that as well. If he wasn’t one of your only friends I don’t think I’d want you hanging around with him though all the same. The drugs and all that. He seems loose as well and that’s dangerous for guys your age.”

  
“Loose?” I asked my eyebrows raising as I felt myself trying to stifle a laugh. Who actually spoke like that. I mean I knew we were young but, life hadn’t been kind to us in that department. Sex was just that, sex. Sometimes at least to the other guys I knew in the brotherhood it seemed a good fuck just cleared your head and erased them from your skin. Made you think better, act normal or what the rest of society perceived as normal.

  
“I mean sexually. Seems like he probably has sex with a lot of people,” My mum clarified even though I didn’t really need her to.

  
“And you think I don’t?” I asked her shrugging my shoulders.

  
“That’s different John,” She said her face going stone serious.

  
“How? Every person he sleeps with I know he doesn’t want to. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that just the brand on his hip and mine will tell anyone on the street that story,” I mentioned.

  
“He sleeps with some people because he wants to through, I get that feeling very strongly from him and that’s not the same as what’s happening to you. If you had a choice would you be sleeping with the people your Da makes you sleep with?” She asked me and I sighed crossing my arms in front of me giving away my answer easily even though I still put a voice to it.

  
“Never. It’s not like I have choice though and in case you are wondering he’s into girls,” I said.

  
“I haven’t seen him with any girls and I’m a woman love. I can however tell you he’s into you. The way he looks at you the way his eyes read it’s very…” I cut my mum off.

  
“I know but nothing is happening. Nothing is going to happen there I swear it’s something that we’ve talked about and we know it’s wrong we know it’s because of them and that’s not something we want to get into. We don’t want to live our lives like that so whatever feelings are there aren’t going to be acted on. We’re just friends mum that’s all I swear. What you walked in on is as far as it has gone and that’s the only time it has or will go that far I swear to you,” I lied.

  
She was silent for a moment as she inspected me trying to read my expression trying to find the lie in my face. After a minute of silence and not being able to find the lie laying there plainly she sighed, “Ok then. As long as you know how I feel about it and it’s not going any further and it’s stopped you can keep hanging out with him but be aware that he looks at you like that. Like a normal man looks at a woman and in a way that a man should never ever look at another man.” She said.

  
“You mean the way Da looks at me?” I asked her watching her forehead crinkle under the stress of thinking about it.

  
“Does he?” She asked me.

  
“Don’t play dumb mum, please. His is even worse than Pat’s at least Pat I can stand I don’t feel like he’s trying to imagine what he wants to do to me but Da, it’s written all over his face every time I’m in a room with him no matter who else is there. You can’t tell me you haven’t noticed.” I said.

  
“I try not to,” She sighed heavily, “That’s why you can’t be alone with him anymore. Anything you have to say to him you have to tell me because I really want him to stay away from you until he leaves. Hopefully by the time he comes back we’ll have some money, enough money to leave if not I just want you to stay away from him ok.”

  
“And what about him staying away from me? That’s the real problem.” I stated my concern.

  
“Well, he’s going to New York for a while. So, he’ll be gone. He promised me he’d give you some time because you’re not doing well. I’m not sure if you realize how badly you’re doing but you aren’t hiding it well at all.” She said.

  
“What do you mean?” I asked.

  
“You’re not you anymore, John. Don’t pretend that you’re eating like you should or sleeping like you should. Will told me what you told him, that you think about killing yourself. Those aren’t normal thoughts to have. To risk eternal damnation to escape a situation in this world that’s a very serious thought that needs to be addressed and whatever is making you feel that way needs to be taken out of your life and that’s your Da that makes you feel that way, you’ve said so yourself. And your drinking. You think I don’t know that you’re still drinking? Vic and I have talked about it and the only way you’re going to stop at this point is with medical intervention because withdrawal will kill you if you try to stop on your own. I realize you have bottles under your bed that you use and I realize that last time you went to Costco with Karen you got her to buy four bottles of Vodka. How many of those do you have left by the way?” She asked me point blank.

  
“Like one and a half. I’m not going through them super fast right now just enough to get by so I don’t feel sick,” I mumbled.

  
“Yet I can smell it on you right now like you drank a lot,” She said.

  
“It’s early mum, I have to, to get rid of the headache but throughout the rest of the day it’s a just a little bit. I only do like a real shot or two in the morning and otherwise it’s sipping but yeah I’m running out.” I admitted.

  
“I’ll get some more but only if you promise to keep at it the way you are and not start drinking more because I’m giving it to you. And this is only until I can get you someplace where you can detox you understand?” She warned me.

  
“Yes, I understand,” I answered.

  
“Good, I love you. Don’t be late for the bus,” She said kissing my forehead.

  
“I love you too, I’ll see you when I get home,” I said leaving the nursey and shutting the door behind me as I went back to my room and grabbed my bag and water bottle that I was used to carrying with me when I was at school that I took a drink from when I needed to, when I started to feel light headed or get shaky. I made it down to the drive way and outside the gate to stand with my siblings just as the bus to take Will and I arrived.


	24. 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John goes to school feeling helpless, hopeless. He has a long talk with Dom and Pat about his feelings and things that are going on. They get in trouble for skipping Mass and have to deal with Finick missing the school bus forced to walk home where they decide to stop in the park where him and Pat get close before having to head home and being confronted with more bad news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 505-531, I'm not sure how good any of this is written but I don't feel like editing it. This and next chapter might have a lot of things that feel repetitive if they do let me know and I will do an edit after comparing chapters. Warnings: Rape/non-con, priest abuse, underage kissing, underage smoking, underage drinking, swearing, talk of sexual abuse, sexual situations, first love, angst, depression, anxiety, panic attacks

When I climbed on the bus Cole and Dom were both riding together which made me curious because almost always while we were all assigned to the same bus one of them wasn’t present because they were being dropped off. I slid into the seat in front of them.

  
“Hey,” I said as Dom looked up sleepily.

  
“Hi,” He said and Cole glanced up from his book and sighed.

  
“What happened?” I asked Dom concerned noticing the blackness under his left eye.

  
“I ran into a door,” He said shrugging his shoulders which I took to mean it wasn’t something he wanted to talk about.

  
“Well that door throws some punch,” I said smiling and in spite of himself he smiled too.

  
“Yes it does,” He smiled nodding in agreement.

  
“Cole why are you on the bus?” I asked curiously.

  
“Well, I spent last night at Dom’s,” Cole said.

  
I heard Dick laugh in front of me, “Fags,” He muttered.

  
“Dom isn’t gay,” Cole said.

  
“All Commies are fags,” Dick smirked.

  
“Said the Dick,” Dom coughed into his hand.

  
“My name isn’t Dick its Rich,” He insisted.

  
“You act like a Dick so I call them like I see them,” Dom said.

  
“Or your just jealous because your dick is so small Dominic,” He said and Dom’s face fell, “Oh don’t like your full name?” He said, “Why does daddy scream it at night as he fucks you?” Dom’s face went paper white.

  
“What the fuck is your problem joking about that nasty ass stuff? That’s not funny,” I managed to spit out surprising myself.

  
“Well I am his neighbor and his Dads are like super gay,” Dick said looking at me, “Makes you wonder what goes on in that house.”

  
“Yeah well I’m sure if something like that were going on he wouldn’t be at home anymore don’t you think?” I asked, “That’s sick dude we go to a catholic school you know how many priest at our school are probably into that freaky shit? I mean geeze just like not cool so quit literally being a Dick, Dick,” I sighed.

  
Dick was quiet his face serious, “They can be weird but I always thought that was just rumors.”

  
“Well you know what they say about rumors. There’s a grain of truth in every one of them,” Cole said.

  
“How would you know?” Dick asked, “Is there something you guys are trying to say here?”

  
“No? What gave you that idea?” I asked playing coy.

  
“You guys freak me the fuck out,” Dick muttered.

  
“Maybe you’ll leave us alone then?” Cole asked smiling and winking at him, “Dom might not be a fag but remember I never denied such a rumor.”

  
A look of disgust spread across Dicks face, “That’s beyond gross.”

  
“I’m not confirming or denying,” Cole shrugged his shoulders, “It’s for me to know and you to worry about. So leave us the fuck alone got it?”

  
“Whatever,” Dick spat and then got up and moved a couple seats forward shooting us dirty looks for the rest of the short ride to school.

  
Cole and I both looked at Dom carefully who was still sitting next to Cole still as stone and as white as marble, “Dom?” I asked softly knowing where his head was stuck, knowing that touching him wasn’t a good idea because he was in the middle of flipping out. Cole locked eyes with me and nodded his head.

  
“Dom you’re on the bus on the way to school you’re safe, it’s ok,” Cole said quietly, “Can you tell me what you see around you? Describe what John is wearing to me.”

  
“That’s stupid he’s wearing his uniform,” Dom hissed.

  
“Well, yes we’re all wearing our uniforms but what do our uniforms look like?” Cole asked calmly even though he was smiling slightly at Dom’s agitation.

  
“Blue and green tartan ties, navy blue sweater vest, blue blazers, white button ups, navy blue socks black shoes, that fucking asshole,” Dom said.

  
“Yeah he’s an asshole all right,” Cole agreed.

  
“I don’t understand why guys think it’s funny. To joke about that,” I said.

  
“I have no idea. I hate that shit. I mean I joke about it too yeah but it’s just so I don’t flip out about it because …” He trailed off.

  
“Yeah, I know man, you’re all right,” I said as we pulled up in front of the school and waited for the bus to stop. Once it did we went around the side of the building to our spot where Pat was already waiting the pack and lighter in his one hand his own lit cigarette at his lips as he talked to Hunter and his gang before Mass.

  
“Hey,” He said looking at Dom eyeing him carefully, “What’s wrong?” He asked.

  
“Long night, asshole on the bus, my life? What’s not wrong?” He sighed taking the cigg offered to him and letting Pat light it for him.

  
“You want to talk about it?” Pat asked him carefully.

  
“Not really,” He sighed.

  
“How did last night go?” Pat asked Cole and Cole shook his head, “I’ll take that as you don’t want to talk about it as well.”

  
“Yeah pretty much,” Cole replied.

  
“I have some news,” I said, “My Da is going to New York for a while. So maybe I’ll get a break from…”

  
Hunter smiled, “Well that’s good isn’t it?”

  
“Yeah, I think,” I said.

  
“What do you mean you think?” He asked.

  
“I don’t know usually if my Da’s not around my Uncle is or there’s someone else it’s just like picking the less of two evils I guess and I’m worried that this might be the bigger evil if my mum can’t deal with it,” I sighed taking a drag.

  
“What do you mean someone else?” Hunter asked me.

  
“Just like other handlers,” I shrugged my shoulders.

  
“Your Da is one of those I didn’t peg him as one of those,” Hunter said.

  
“You’ve met my Da?” I asked raising my eyebrows.

  
“Yes, I have a guy I know I wouldn’t really call him a friend he’s super weird, Dylan…” after that it’s like his voice faded out over the beating of my own heart beat I could see his lips moving and I knew he was speaking but I couldn’t hear him. Before long Pat was waving a hand in front of my face.

  
“Rabbit are you ok?” He asked me slowly. I shook my head.

  
“I’ve met Dylan,” I answered Pat who I allowed to hug me.

  
“So you know Leo then?” Hunter frowned, “He’s a piece of work he gets off on people watching. That always fucking freaks me out.”

  
When Hunter said that it made me think back to what my Da had said when he had taken me to Tony’s place how the backseat was down but that it wasn’t for him but just in case. It made me feel sick to my stomach thinking about what his and Leo’s plan might have been that day.

  
“Rabbit, you’re shaking are you ok?” Pat asked me gently as I hugged him tighter burying my head into his shoulder.

  
“Hey guys can you give us a couple minutes somethings off,” I heard Pat say over my head to the group.

  
“C-Can I stay?” Dom asked his voice shaky.

  
I felt Pat nod his head, “We’ll be in shortly.”

  
“Don’t be too late for mass guys,” Hunter said as him and Cole put out the cigarettes underfoot and started walking towards the cathedral.

  
“Are you guys ok?” He asked as I refused to look at him clinging to him like a child would cling to a parent after a hard fall onto the side walk, “You’re scaring me Rabbit what’s going on? Huh?” he cooed rubbing my back and then I felt another hand join his.

  
“We’ll be ok,” I heard Dom said shakily.

  
“Oh guys you’re going to make me cry,” Pat said his voice heavy as his hand left my back and Dom joined our embrace, “You guys I think you need to talk about some stuff. If not with me then with each other because neither one of you is doing very good today, it’s been this way for a while all right? So please, here,” He said breaking out of our group hug and handing me the ciggs so Dom and I could share a couple smokes if we needed to, “I’ll cover for you all right? Just don’t miss confession.” He kissed me on the cheek and walked away quickly as the bell rang.

  
“It’s because of Dick right?” I asked drying my eyes with the sleeve of my blazer.

  
“This?” He asked drying his own tears, “Half it of it maybe. He just caught me off guard I wasn’t expecting to hear that. I mean I know he lives right next door but they aren’t that open about it. I thought I hid it pretty well too but I guess not.”

  
“I’ve never heard of that name before,” Dom mentioned as I handed him a cigg.

  
“He made me watch myself in a mirror. My da took me to Tony’s and he was there with his kid Dylan or whatever and my Da let him…I remember begging him to stop and my Da ignored it because he was with Dylan and he ignored it because when do they ever even care?”

  
Dom nodded his head, “I refused to blow Cole. Last night that’s why I ran into the door,” He said, “I’m not into being with other guys or anyone really it’s just I do it sometimes to get the feeling of them off me but it’s more like an autopilot thing and less because I really feel like doing it.”

  
“For me it’s just Pat right now,” I sighed, “That I could ever see myself being with I mean like that. My mum says it’s wrong to think of other guys that way but he makes it… like you said it gets the feeling of them off just him hugging me, holding me. I have a question.”

  
“Sure,” Dom said giving me permission to ask.

  
“Was Dick right? About your name I mean?” I asked.

  
“Yes Pops constantly says it when he’s…but otherwise every other situation literally everyone calls me Dom so yeah he struck a big nerve.”

  
“For me its baby,” I smiled sadly, “Or Johnny. My Uncle calls me Johnny and I fucking hate it. Just hearing it makes me watch to rip my ears off and baby is just…”

  
“Is that why Pat calls you Rabbit? Because you can’t do baby?” Dom asked.

  
“I don’t know he started that on his own I prefer it to baby though. My mum used to call me baby sometimes but I asked her to not call me that so now she usually calls me love or honey if she uses pet names at all. Just hearing his voice grates on me though. I’m glad he’s going away but I’m so scared he’s going to leave my Uncle behind and I know my Uncle will keep going maybe not like my Da does but he’ll make sure everyone just keeps it up. I think my Uncle is more into my brothers then me though and in a way that makes it harder for me because I’ll say yes to him just so he doesn’t touch them and he knows it and now Hank knows it somehow and my Da really knows it.” I took a deep drag pulling the smoke and fire into my lungs and holding it for a minute then releasing.

  
“Last night was the first time in a long time that they made me…with anyone else but them outside of parties it’s… I didn’t…” He trailed off.

  
“I don’t think any of us that do want that. Even when they made me with Pat it didn’t feel like real real but more like fake. Pat said he didn’t count it at all that it was just fucking which isn’t what he wants from me that he wants something more.”

  
“He said that?” Dom asked surprised, “That’s actually a really big step. I mean for Pat it is. I’ve known Pat since we were kids and Pat keeps his shit locked tight. He fucks yeah but I’ve never seen him really open up to anyone on that level probably the closest he’s gotten to a relationship like that is Delia.”

  
“That’s what Cole says,” I commented, “I love how we talk about each other, “so and so keeps his shit locked tight, he’s like a fortress of morbid shit” we say that about everyone though.”

  
“Well, it’s not easy to talk about,” Dom said and I nodded my head in agreement.

  
“You don’t talk about it at all hardly. I’ve noticed,” I commented.

  
“ Well, I mean I know it’s everyone’s Dad or Uncle or grandfather literally but a lot of them are more into forcing the bottoms to sleep with each other or finding another guys kid that he’s into but my dads are… It makes me feel weird that it seems like they would rather just …” He stopped not even being able to say the words.

  
“I get that. I think my Da’s the same way. He tells me I’m his. I don’t know, he says a lot of stuff,” I said.

  
“That’s why I talk to you when I do talk about things. Your Dad seems a lot like both my Dad and Pop so you know exactly how I feel except they don’t really …shit sell me I guess you could say for lack of a better term. Not anymore not really. When I was younger though they used to all the time like I was even out of school for a while because they kept just …” he trailed off.

  
“I just wish he would leave me alone and that he wouldn’t let other people…,” I said.

  
“Yeah I get that. I do I totally get it. I just hope Hank doesn’t introduce our Dad’s because we’ll be spending a good deal of time together in ways I don’t want to think about if he does.” Dom said.

  
We stood there in silence for a minute finishing our cigarettes before Dom took one last drag, crushing his underfoot in the dry grass. I didn’t want to go inside but, I knew it was probably time. That if we didn’t we would get into more trouble than missing mass would be worth.

  
“You think we can sneak in the back before mass is over?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah they won’t notice us come in if we go in through the side door,” Dom said, “I can show you where it’s at.” He said and we started walking towards the cathedral.

  
It was actually a decent five minute walk to get around to the side of it once we got there and we saw the door propped open lightly and some people were standing outside in server vestments and I recognized a face from where I was standing, Chad.  
“Oh shit,” I muttered.

  
“We have to it’s the only way to sneak in without being noticed,” Dom said, “What level are you again?”

  
“I’m untouchable,” I said remembering Dom was a two.

  
“Damn it,” He sighed kicking the dirt under his foot, “I can’t do this alone. He’ll torture me.”

  
“Could I stop him from doing that?” I asked Dom curious.

  
“You could tell him you said no and he would have to listen to you technically but he is older and stronger then we are. He’ll so squeal to like Watson and then we’ll be in trouble big trouble,” Dom said.

  
“How big is big?” I asked.

  
“Well, I personally have never been in trouble with Watson before but apparently he’s really into …giving if you know what I mean and that’s something I so don’t… just nope,” Dom said his eyes wide.

  
“Giving as in …,” I made a lude gesture with my fist, tongue and cheek.

  
“Yes that and giving some attention to the …,” Dom blushed as I watched him carefully trying to figure out what he was saying, “He likes to eat ass.”

  
“Oh,” I said feeling my face go red. I had only had that done a handful of times and had to be honest, I hated it as much as I hated the other act.

  
“Your face is so fucking red right now,” Dom smiled lightly.

  
“I’m used to speaking in innuendos and euphemisms not just outright saying things,” I said.

  
“Ah at my house I’m not allowed that I have to say what I mean or not say anything,” Dom said, “You want to wait until Mass bell rings? After that everyone will be moving around so we can slip in the front door then,” He suggested.

  
“Yeah probably better,” I said as we started walking back around the building to the front door. When we got the front door Finick was standing right there. I didn’t know which would be worse having to watch Dom deal with Chad or both of us having to deal with Finick but before we had a chance to decide he spotted us.

  
“Two of my favorite pulpils skipping Mass?” Father Finick asked us smiling, “If you don’t want Watson and your Dad’s to hear about this I suggest you come to my class after school both of you,” He said opening the door, “Now remember to confess,” he said smacking me on the ass lightly making me jump as he ushered us through the door and into the cathedral.

  
I don’t even really remember confession. I remember dreading class. Dreading Finick especially after the awkward kiss he had made Dom and I share. The school day passed in a haze and it seemed as if everything sped by my fear propelling the world forward at an unearthly speed. I don’t remember lunch or anything I learned only the sour empty feeling in the pit of my stomach as the last bell rang and Dom and I left our last class together and walked down the hall to Finick’s classroom. When we got there the door was open and so Dom swallowed and looked at me and knocked lightly on the open door to let him know we were there.

  
“Come on in boys,” He said sitting at his desk, “Would you like to tell me why you skipped mass the morning?” He asked us taking his glasses off of his face.

  
“I needed to talk about some stuff and he offered to listen,” Dom offered, “We went to go in but the front door was already locked and we went around to the side door but the altar boys were hanging out there so we just had to kind of wait it out and we were trying to make the last bit when you found us so….”

  
“That’s not acceptable if you need to talk about things you seek counsel from one of us, not your friends,” Fr. Finick stated, “Could you shut the door Mr. Morrow?” He said and Dom followed his direction.

  
He stood up coming towards us almost like a loin getting ready to pounce on its prey. This made me so nervous. It reminded me so much of my Da that I didn’t know what exactly I was doing but before I knew it my back was hitting the wall behind me and I could feel myself shaking as if I were cold.

  
“I won’t hurt you,” Fr. Finick cooed looking at both of us, “I just want to see you ok?” he said, “Just take off your clothes.”

  
“I’m untouchable,” I said nervously.

  
“Not if you don’t want to be in trouble with Watson,” Fr. Finick warned, “Just your shirts guys I’ll take off mine too if it makes you feel better.” He said starting by taking off his tab.

  
Dom started by loosening his tie and I followed suit almost on autopilot. I couldn’t believe I was doing this. Da had promised me I’d get a break and everything at school was telling me that it didn’t matter what Da had promised me I’d never get a break. I got down my undershirt and lifted it over my head putting it on the desk in front of me when I looked up I caught sight of Dom and it made me gasp. He had bruises outlining every rib and bit marks under his collar bones. I knew my chest probably didn’t look great but it didn’t look anything like that.

  
“Someone is hard on you Mr. Morrow” Finick commented coming and grabbing Dom by the belt which caused Dom to flinch bringing his shoulders up against his neck in reflex, “You’re beautiful,” he said and I could see in Dom’s eyes he was shutting down that he was terrified and I could feel his terror in every inch of my body.

  
“Stop,” I said before I knew the word was tumbling out of my mouth.

  
“Jealous Mr. McGregor?” He asked me letting go of Dom’s belt loops and starting towards me, “Don’t worry there’s enough to go around. You’re very beautiful too. Soft but beautiful there are so many parts of you I want to squeeze,”he said as he finally reached me grabbing my belt like he had Dom’s burying his face into my neck causing me to gasp. As he pushed me hard against the wall biting at my neck as he started to undo my belt.

  
“Wait, wait,” I said trying to push him away.

  
“Don’t get jumpy you’re fine,” He said his hands moving around both my wrists and grabbing them forcing them to my sides against the wall. “God your ass is probably so tight I mean look at you. Just calm down you’ll be all right.” He said as he moved his hands back to my belt and finished undoing it as my arms stayed glued to my sides like his hands around my wrist had injected them with lead making them immobile. I felt like I couldn’t breathe even though I knew I was breathing. I felt like I couldn’t do this even though I knew I couldn’t watch it happen to someone else. He undid my belt and pants and then grabbed me roughly between my legs causing my eyes to go wide. I tried to remember what Dom had said about Finick and controlling the pace weeks earlier but my whole body felt frozen my head floating my skin crawling my heart thumping hard against my rib cage in a panic to escape as he started kissing down my shoulder and my bare collar bone. Before I knew it we were off the wall and in his frenzied kissing he was pushing me towards his desk his hands in my underwear under my waist line but not quiet touching my more private areas even though they felt like they were searching hard for it scratching lightly at the skin on my hips and pubic bone working hard to get down my trousers.

  
“Wait,” I pleaded again as he helped me sit down on his desk top his hands helping free my hips from the fabric of my clothes.

  
“Just relax, I’ll make it feel good,” He said which made me turn to stone. That was something my Da always said before he went down on me and I knew what he was planning to do and I felt the tears coming up in my face my body readying itself to give him what he wanted so it could just be over, “God you’re so beautiful,” he cooed into my shoulder as he started kissing down my right side while I sat there frozen not able to find the strength to move.  
“I think you’re scaring him,” Dom said quietly.

  
Finick turned to look at him, “There’s nothing to be scared of here guys. I don’t have any condoms so I can’t fulfill those needs however you can give me something to think about at home later. Your brotherhood boys you know how this goes, you have to deal with this all the time so why not lay back and enjoy it?”

  
“Because despite what you all think that doesn’t feel good,” Dom answered him bravely, “I can’t explain it in a way that your sick twisted mind will understand but trust me it doesn’t feel good it feels like your whole being is ripping in two. There is nothing that feels good about that I’m sure he would rather you fuck him up the ass then do that. Ask him he’ll tell you.”

  
“Don’t be stupid of course it feels good that’s why you all hate it so much because your brain is telling you one thing but your body is telling you another. I don’t need him or you to tell me that however, I want him to show me he said turning his back to him his hand touching my inner thigh as I sat there every breath taking up all the energy I could find, “Come on beautiful,” he said using his body weight to push me backwards into a laying position.

  
I felt sick. I didn’t want Dom to see this, I didn’t want this to happen. I squeezed my eyes shut just trying to keep myself breathing as his mouth made a trail down my body finally pulling down the front of my pants and underwear once he reached my pubic bone.

  
“You need to stop,” Dom warned him.

  
“There is plenty to go around just let me make him feel nice don’t be jealous,” Finick said to him.

  
“No, you need to stop his lips are turning blue I don’t think he’s getting enough air,” Dom said causing Finick to redirect his attention to my face.

  
Finick sighed heavily, “Kid you so just killed my buzz here,” He said taking his hands off of me, “Both you get your clothes on and get out.”

  
Dom sighed in relief but I still couldn’t find it in me to move, “John?” Dom said quietly trying not to startle me, “its ok we can leave. Put your pants back on and let’s go.”

  
I numbly managed to move to do up my pants and grabbed my shirts from the desk they were sitting on and we both left. Dom took my shirts as I slid my under shirt over my head and I swallowed. Finally starting to feel the air move through my lungs like it was supposed to.

  
“Where my lips really turning blue?” I asked weakly.

  
“Yeah,” Dom nodded his head at me, “I thought you were going to pass out.”

  
“I’m still light headed,” I said, “That was…not cool,” It took a minute for me to get the last of the bit of the sentence out as we hurried down the hallway away from the room.

  
“He said something that really set you off because I thought you had like died you were so still,” Dom said.

  
I shook my head.

  
“You don’t want to talk about it?” Dom asked me and I shook my head again, “I think I know what it was. My Pop says it all the time and it just makes my stomach drop and knocks the breath right out of me. Every time. I don’t think I’ve ever gone frozen because of it but it might as well.”

  
“I can’t do this right now,” I said and Dom nodded his head, “How are you going to get home?” He asked me.

  
“I’m not sure it matters,” I answer as we reach the door to get outside. I push through it into air. Air and I feel like I’m finally breathing after hours of holding my breath after hours of struggle and nervous anticipation for what Finick had planned. I stand there for a few minutes letting the air rush over me, unthaw me.

  
“John?” Dom asked quietly behind me, “You ok?”

  
“Yeah, finally,” I sighed.

  
“Then why are you crying?” He asks me softly bringing my attention to my body the tears dripping down my face.

  
“It’s nothing I’m fine,” I said, “relief maybe?”

  
“Could be,” Dom nodded his head in agreement, “I’m surprised he actually listened to me. Maybe he just didn’t want you dead.”

  
“No one does. No one but me,” I sighed. There it was again that black hole that always opened up to swallow me whenever I allowed myself to stop and feel anything about myself ever. That hole that I felt whenever I looked at my reflection or was sober for too long.

  
“Don’t,” Dom said, “I’ve been to the hospital and it’s a place you don’t want to go, they hear you talking like that they will put you there.”

  
“Has everyone been to the hospital but me?” I asked him rolling my eyes.

  
“Not everyone. It’s not even a real hospital. Larkins run it and they just pump you full of drugs and let the staff do whatever they please. When I was there I think I got so sick of this one guys shit, he kept just like he had no understanding of what personal space was, I threw my pudding at him and so they locked me in this room by myself where I had to deal with this other guy. That wasn’t fun every time I wouldn’t do anything he gave me some shit that made me throw up and like all spazzy for days it felt like. It was horrible. When I got out I was on a bunch of pills that I quit taking because Larkins are shit man,” He sighed.

  
“I think I have an appointment with Susan Larkin or I did until my mum tried to take us away,” I said.

  
“Oh god I hate that bitch but she’s better than her husband and about a million times better than her father,” Dom said as we started walking south down the road away from the school.

  
“Who is her father?” I asked curiously.

  
“Oh shit,” Dom said, “You don’t know?”

  
“Obviously otherwise I wouldn’t have asked,” I said.

  
“I’ll tell you later,” He said.

  
“Why not just tell me now?” I asked my curiosity peaking.

  
“Because you can’t handle hearing it right now,” Dom said, “If you’re suicidal and we’re walking down the side of a busy street I don’t really trust you not to step out in front of a car if I say certain names because I remember just how that feels, being in that state so I’m not going to tell you anything I don’t think you can deal with got me?”

  
“Yeah,” I nodded my head in agreement watching a red corvette speed past.

  
“Where exactly are we going?” I asked him curiously.

  
“Well, I honestly have no idea but Pat doesn’t live far from here if we can get his attention without knocking on the door that would be nice,” Dom said and I coughed.

  
“No fucking way am I going to that house,” I said stopping and shaking my head.

  
“I’ll leave in the park if you think you can’t handle what might happen,” Dom said, “But I thought you said your Da was giving you a break.”

  
“Yeah but last time I was anywhere near that guy he tried to give me to a fucking trucker as he drove me home and that was after…” I trailed off not wanting to talk about it, wishing I could take a shower just remembering it...

  
“You can wait in the park then,” that’s not far from your house right?” He asked me.

  
“Right,” I answered, “I would just go home but I don’t want to when I’m there it’s like I can’t think.”

  
“I don’t believe any of us think at home just do, exists whatever,” Dom replied and I nodded my head.

  
“At home I just find myself hoping I can breathe and that he won’t…” I sighed stopping.

  
“Don’t think about it, you start thinking about you’re going to freeze up right here and you know it,” Dom warned me, “Just keep walking don’t let him in your head right now.”

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head and starting to walk again continuing towards the park.

  
As we got towards the park we could see some people near the swings a bunch of girls around our age still wearing their saint Bernie’s uniforms the same colors as our own. Dom looked at me cautiously, “Will you be ok to wait here as I try to go get Pat?” He asked and then noticed the girls the swing that had caught my attention.

  
“HEY DELIA! CECIELIA! COME HERE!” Dom shouted waving at them ecstatically.

  
Both the girls looked at each other and started walking towards us.

  
“What are you doing?” I asked Dom my eyes wide and he smiled.

  
“Relax they’re just girls they don’t bite, you have sisters right?” He smiled as they came closer.

  
“Hi Dom,” one girl said smiling lightly, “Who is this?” She asked.

  
The first thing I noticed about both of them was how similar they looked from far away. They were around the same height and the same size all around however up close they seemed to look different. One had hair that was almost a dirty blond while the other one had hair that was closer to brown however they both had hazel eyes with beautiful specks of green in them. They were both beautiful girls I remember thinking and then I realized one of them was named Delia.

  
“I’m John,” I introduced myself.

  
“John?” the girl asked wrinkling her nose slightly, “So you’re the one Cole teases Pat about? I’m Delia and this is my sister Celia.”

  
“Twin sister,” Celia added offering me her hand to shake.

  
“No one cares that we’re twins it doesn’t make us special,” Delia snapped.

  
“Hey, John I’m going to head over and see if I can get his attention yeah?” Dom asked me.

  
“Yeah sure,” I said feeling awkward being with these two strange girls but not wanting to go anywhere close to where Hank might be and he walked away, “ What do you mean Cole teases him?” I asked feeling slightly embarrassed.

  
“Well, Cole says he constantly gives you puppy dog eyes like he used to give Delia. Are you gay?” Celia asked me making my face go red.

  
“I don’t think so, I don’t know,” I stammered, “Why?”

  
“Oh so you’re one of those? That’s fine hopefully his little crush will go away and he’ll get bored with you then,” Delia said smiling happily.

  
“One of what?” I asked the voice sounding more defensive then I meant it to be.

  
“You know, confused guys. The brotherhood does that to guys sometimes you know? It’s normal Brodric had a thing with a guy for a while,” Delia said.

  
“That’s our brother,” Celia added for my benefit.

  
“One of them yes, there is Alec, Brodric and Fredric,” Delia told me.

  
“And you’re Cecelia and Delia?” I asked.

  
“Yes, people just call me Celia though,” Celia answered my question.

  
“Why is he going by himself?” Delia asked after Dom retreated.

  
“I’m nervous about going over there,” I answered truthfully.

  
“Why though?” Delia asked me.

  
“I thought you guys knew about all of that…,” I said trying to address the brotherhood but not outright just say it.

  
“Oh, I think I get it,” Delia said, “You’re a brotherhood boy just like Pat and Dom and Cole?” She asked me and I nodded, “And Pat’s Dad has a thing for you?” She asked smiling evilly.

  
I crossed my arms across myself. I didn’t want to talk about that. That was a topic that was off limits especially with a bunch of girls I didn’t know.

  
“Dee be nice,” Celia hissed, “He hasn’t asked you any personal questions has he? And so what if that is the case why does it matter? I’m sorry Dee has a problem with socializing she can be a bitch.”

  
“It’s ok,” I said even though it didn’t feel ok. It wasn’t something I wanted to talk about at all.

  
“Our brothers are a part of it you know?” Celia told me, “They don’t like to talk about it either I can understand why. I mean we might not be actually in the thick of things but a lot of stuff goes on with us too, the girls I mean.”

  
“We’re expected to marry guys who want to become handlers so everything can keep going,” Delia said bluntly, “If you have any sisters wish them luck because that means they get to get knocked around and maybe one day murdered just like your mom.”  
“Murdered?” I asked confused. I knew the brotherhood murdered people but did they really murder the mothers of their most valuable commodity their boys who it seemed they constantly abused, raped, murdered and sold to others to do the same things to?

  
“Yeah it happens all the time. Our Uncle killed our Aunt and he got away with it because of Hanks Dad and some other cops.” Delia mentioned, “He just has our cousins one of them is only little though he’s like 2. It’s really sad.”

  
“Here they come,” Celia said sighing as if the conversation was upsetting her and she was relieved it was over.

  
I turned to look. There was Cole with Pat and Dom trailing behind him. Cole was smiling as if he were excited to see the girls even though he was the only one that was supposedly gay. But he came rushing over and grabbed Celia twirling her in the air making her laugh, “Celia darling how are you?” He asked as she giggled like a school girl.

  
“I’m good how are you Cole?” She asked as he set her back down.

  
“I’m awesome now,” He said, “Are you ok John?” Cole asked me his eyes turning to me worried.

  
“Yeah, I’m ok,” I said even though I still didn’t feel ok. Delia wasn’t doing anything to help my anxiety and I wasn’t really in the mood to hang out with anyone besides maybe Pat. I wanted his hands to touch me, run up and down my collar bone and hip bones, I wanted his hands to work their magic and erase Finick’s touch from my body which I could still feel. My skin crawling with a nervous static in all the places he had touched or nearly touched.

  
Pat and Dom finally reached us and Pat pulled his pack of ciggs out and started handing them out. He looked at me our hands brushing as he handed one to me. I think he saw it in my face that I wanted to be alone with him, wanted him to make me feel better to hold me because his eyes got sad.

  
“You ok John?” He asked me not using my pet name for once. I smiled lightly and nodded my head. I didn’t want to deal with watching Delia’s eyes if we walked away together. I knew she didn’t like me everything about her convinced me of that. I didn’t know if it was jealously or something else but I could feel the dislike coming off of her and that made me uncomfortable. He lit his cigg and passed the lighter around the circle.

  
“So how about that history homework?” Cole said which made me nearly choke on my drag.

  
“Cole not funny,” Pat warned.

  
“No I meant real history homework didn’t mean to startle anyone sorry,” Cole said.

  
“I don’t think it will be too bad,” Dom said, “I mean for us it’s just a couple pages of reading and then something on the Russian Revolution.”

  
“Worksheet,” I commented taking a drag that I didn’t choke on.

  
“I thought it was like an essay or something,” Dom asked me.

  
“It’s a question sheet. Essay questions like a test kind of. So sort of an essay,” I said.

  
“How was that today?” Pat asked looking at me closely.

  
“History? It wasn’t a problem today why?” I replied simply taking a drag before I crushed my cigg underfoot.

  
“Just wondering I know that’s not an easy class for you,” He said.

  
“Science was difficult,” Dom mentioned.

  
“What does that mean?” Celia wrinkled her nose as she finally lit the cigg she had been handed and took a puff.

  
“Nothing, not important,” Dom sighed and rolled his eyes and an expression flashed across Pat’s face.

  
“Finick?” He asked quietly and Dom nodded his head slightly.

  
“Dom,” I warned because it wasn’t something I wanted to talk about or think about and I could feel my eyes getting wet.

  
“What happened?” Pat asked looking at me intently.

  
“It doesn’t matter ok?” I said acutely aware that Delia and Celia were watching us closely.

  
“So it’s true?” Delia scoffed, “You asshole!” she hissed at Pat and lifted her arm. I thought she was going to hit him the anger in her eyes apparently.

  
“What?” Pat asked and Cole just cleared his throat and rolled his eyes.

  
“I thought you weren’t into guys after everything they put you through and, oh my fucking God Pat. For real? Him? Out of anyone? Look at him!” She hissed looked at me.

  
“What?” Pat exclaimed at Delia his eyes going wide, “What the fuck are you talking about?”

  
“The way you look at him! I see it in your eyes do you really think I’m retarded? That’s why you don’t’ want to be with me anymore because you’re into him. Have you fucked him?” She said tears starting to form in her eyes.

  
“Excuse me?” I said shocked.

  
“John,” Cole said, “Let’s not do this. How about you two take it somewhere else because I think this is a personal conversation that doesn’t need to be had in front of everyone.”

  
“NO! If he’s going to do this to me he’s going to answer for it in front of everyone. Have you fucked? Tell me I have a right to know because up until a month ago I was, what did you say? “The only one for you. And I was so special. If I’m so special or was I think I have a right to know if you’re fucking someone on the side and how long it’s been happening. I have a right to know so I can get tested if I need to.” She hissed her eyes unrelenting as she stared daggers at me.

  
“Tested?” Pat scoffed, “We always use Condoms Delia what would you need testing for? And I think it’s not something you need to know but, no we haven’t. Not really.” Pat said lighting another cigg.

  
“Wait am I missing something?” Cole asked me.

  
“New year’s, it wasn’t like…geeze Pat,” I sighed.

  
“What it wasn’t real we had a camera pointed at us,” Pat said, “We agreed anyway right?” He asked and this time I noticed it, how his eyes softened when he looked at me how they lit up when I was reflected in them.

  
I nodded the expression on his face taking my breath away remembering what it felt like to have his hands run across my skin, trace my collar bone and the contours of my neck down my skin under my shirt and I felt my eyes go wide.

  
“Oh FUCK you Pat and fuck you too John,” Delia swore stomping off before she stopped and turned back around, “I forgot you already fucked each other,” She hissed and then finished storming away.

  
“Do you think she’ll say anything?” Dom asked us.

  
“I’ll make sure she doesn’t, hell if you’re relationship with her can get you both in trouble and cost you your life Pat I really hope you know what you’re doing,” Celia sighed.

  
“We’re not doing anything. We know what will happen if we do and I’m not willing to risk him,” Pat said shooting Celia a look, “Can you go calm her down? I know this can’t go anywhere ok but maybe it’s a good thing maybe Delia can find someone else who isn’t in such a fucked up situation no offense, someone normal.”

  
“But she wants you Pat,” Celia sighed, “I have to go talk to her calm her down. I’ll see you guys later. It was nice meeting you John.” She said following her sister reluctantly.

  
“So you two really had sex on new year’s while I was at the Villa?” Cole asked eyes wide.

  
“There was a camera Cole and his Uncle and my dad were right there literally so not like we enjoyed it.” Pat said.

  
“Not totally,” I mentioned and felt myself start blushing.

  
“What does that mean?” Cole asked smiling like he was amused.

  
“Well, they did leave for a little while and we almost… but we decided not to do we?” Pat asked me.

  
“Yes because we know what will happen if we get caught that didn’t stop you from…” Pat grabbed me by the shoulder lightly with one hand and placed the other on my cheek. I pressed my face into his palm gently my palm against the back of his hand.  
“Don’t kiss and tell Rabbit ok?” He whispered his lips inches from my lips. I knew he wanted to kiss me and I wanted to kiss him back so badly. I could feel the urge pulling at me in different places and then he closed the gap between us his lips sliding over mine my tongue finding it’s way into his mouth even though I knew Cole and Dom were watching and we shouldn’t I couldn’t help myself I wanted to feel him, I needed to feel him after Finick and what Finick had done and for the first time my skin and my brain quieted as someone I wanted kissed me and caressed me. After what felt like not long enough but too long with prying eyes watching us we broke apart.

  
“Well,” Dom coughed, “That was something I haven’t seen before.”

  
“That was fucking hot,” Cole nearly squealed and I felt my cheeks flush an even deeper shade of pink.

  
“I wasn’t expecting that,” Pat smiled at me his hand still on my cheek.

  
“Sorry, I needed it. I needed the feeling off my skin even if it only worked a little,” I answered.

  
“So that’s what Dom meant? When he said science was hard today?” He asked and I nodded my head looking away not wanting to think about it again.

  
“Yeah, Finick was very not nice. At first I thought he was going to make us do stuff together but then he kind of pushed me back while he started undressing John…” I flinched visibly and Dom stopped talking, “Sorry John, I’m not meaning to get into your space just…”

  
“I know. I just you can tell them I just don’t want to hear about what it looked like. It’s bad enough that I can tell feel what he almost did. His hands on my skin I don’t want to think about it,” I said feeling my body start to tense back up.

  
“Hey, why don’t you come for a walk with me?” Pat asked me suddenly grabbing my hand and leading me away before I could answer.

  
“What’s going on?” I asked confused.

  
“I don’t want you to have to think about it, so let’s think about something else ok Rabbit?” He sighed turning to me after we got past the tree line near the walking trail. He looked at me his eyes lighting up again and smiling at me in a mischievous way.  
“What do you want to think about?” I asked me as he brushed the back of his hand against my cheek again. I knew he wanted to kiss me again.

  
I wanted to kiss him back. I enjoyed his mouth how it tasted like cigarettes and mountain dew mixed with pretzels and chocolate covered candy, how his skin felt warm and alive up against mine that night we had made out so many times. I felt myself stirring in ways that only he made me feel comfortable with.

  
“You,” he said pressing his forehead against mine, “Just you and me. Together doing things we shouldn’t even think of doing,” he whispered seductively before his lips met mine.

  
Our kiss deepened and we ended up leaning against a tree our hands roaming over each other touching each other’s arms and faces and then my hand found its way into the shirt he had changed into after school while his started untucking mine from my khakis. He buried his face in my neck kissing and teasing the skin there making goose bumps break out over my body as the tree supported us his hands making their way to the small of my back under my shirt.

  
“Oh god,” I sighed one of his hands going down the back of my pants rubbing the small of my back and my waist.

  
“You ok?” He whispered into my ear before his hands went to my tie to loosen it and he looked into my eyes asking me for permission to continue what he was doing, to continue erasing their touches and the feeling of their hands which was something I wouldn’t deny him and I didn’t want him to stop.

  
“Yes, I’m better then ok,” I smiled at him forcing his lips to mine my tongue rolling over his inside his mouth. We broke apart our chests both heaving with passion and breathlessness. His one hand came back from the small of my back to my belt and his other hand joined it I swallowed, “Wait” I said in-between kisses.

  
“Ok,” he nodded his hand moving his hands back to my shoulders, “Ok,” he said his hands stroking my face as he kissed my cheek, “We don’t have to I just. I know it’s weird but me kind of want to.”

  
“I want to too it’s just. It makes me nervous,” I whispered as he hugged me close to his body, “What if I forget it’s you and I flip out or something? What if someone see’s us?”

  
“We’re back here, I doubt anyone is walking at this time, it’s not exactly warm right now and it’s not summer. People are inside it’s starting to get late. You won’t forget it’s me but if you start to flip out you are more then allowed to stop me at any point, it’s your body you can change your mind at any time and I won’t be upset. I would only be upset if you did start flipping out you didn’t stop me because I never ever want to hurt you or make you feel like you have no right to your own body,” He swore to me.  
“My Da says I don’t,” I sighed thinking about it.

  
“That’s a lie,” Pat said to me seriously, “He says that to control you, this,” he touched my neck and my cheek, “This is you. This all you and there is nothing he can do to take this away from you. You have every right to control what happens to it. We just live in a world where people don’t respect that right but it doesn’t have to be like that forever. I know it seems like it that this is all there is but it’s not. Not for you I can see it,” he said as he kissed me again hard and fierce but with this gently passion a kiss that seemed excited but not rushed and very far from forced.

  
Before I knew it we were starting up again our hands going back to where they were before until we were breathless once more. Our hands found each other’s belts this time and I didn’t feel scared but more excited that we might be doing this as he unbuckled my belt and unzipped my pants lowering himself to his knees in front of me lifting my shirt above my belly button and kissing me lightly as he started pulling my underwear down lightly and laying a kiss slightly slower sending a shiver of pleasure up my body instead of fear and guilt and shame.

  
Just then Cole bursts through the trees starling us making us both jump.

  
“Oh well, shit, sorry,” Cole said turning away as Pat helped me do up my pants and he got off his knees.

  
“Yeah thanks Cole,” Pat sighed, “You ok Rabbit?” He asked me and I nodded my head shyly.

  
“Hunter came down the street he said Hank is looking for us,” Cole mentioned.

  
“Dad supposed to be at work,” Pat said his eyes going big as he looked at me.

  
“Yeah I think he is and that’s why he’s not here yet, Dom just took off to god knows where because he doesn’t want to be here when Hank comes and I’m assuming neither does lover boy,” Cole said gesturing at me.

  
“Really lover boy?” I scoffed.

  
“Well what do I call you?” Cole asked me.

  
“How about my name?” I said.

  
“Fine, but John do you really want to be here when Hank gets here?” He asked me and I shook my head, “Exactly so let’s get out of here,” He said.

  
“And go where?” Pat asked, “His Da is still home so he can’t really go there and be safe, Dad is very far from safe, I don’t trust him around Arty, no offense Cole and if we can’t hang out here all I can think of is the beach but isn’t that where the café is which is where he parks his cruiser and has his coffee breaks?”

  
“I wouldn’t trust a fly around my Dad so no offense taken,” Cole murmured, “And what exactly were you two doing blowing each other in the woods?”

  
“Correction I was trying to blow him in the woods but it didn’t get that far,” Pat spat.

  
“And I’m supposed to be the gay one,” Cole commented, “You’re lucky it was me and not someone else good way to get Hanks attention in a very unwanted way especially for him.”

  
“I can take care of myself,” I said

  
“No you can’t” they both said to me in unison

  
“Excuse me? Who exactly takes it every night because they don’t want their younger siblings to have to deal with the consequences of their Da’s actions?” I said.

  
“Yeah but who keeps telling us he wants to kill himself because he sees no way out and has to drink just so he doesn’t start withdrawing, a withdrawal that might possibly kill him?” Cole said.

  
“Fair enough but, you can’t tell me you’ve never wanted to kill yourself,” I said.

  
“I do a good amount of the time but I don’t tell people about it and I don’t almost jump from balconies,” Cole said, “We’re running out of…” Just then he was cut off by a sharp yell.

  
“Paddy!” Hank called from somewhere past the trees.

  
“Well, this is going to be a shit show,” Cole hissed.

  
“Cole, take him and circle back when we’re gone,” Pat said giving me a quick kiss before he screamed out loudly, “Coming dad!” and took off towards the tree line.

  
“What the hell is he doing?” I asked scared for Pat.

 

“He’ll be fine, Hank won’t touch him,” Cole sighed grabbing me by the hand and pulling me farther into the woods, “Hank is looking for him because he knows you’ll be with him so come on.”

  
“Are you sure?” I asked stopping.

  
“Yes positive, Hank has a serious thing for you ok? Like very serious like I don’t think Pat has heard him and my Dad talk but, I’ve heard him talk about you and its some not so good things that he’s been saying.” Cole warned me.

  
“Are you going to tell me?” I asked him scared of what he had overheard.

  
“Are you sure you want to know?” He asked me giving me a look like he had regretted even mentioning it.

  
I sighed. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know but I had a feeling it was something that I would be facing at some point and I thought it was better to be prepared then not have any idea what was coming, “Yeah just tell me.” I said.

  
“Apparently after the trucker thing, that’s how he referred to it your Dad has put a slight ban on his contact with you however if he gives your Da enough money he can hold a contract over you when your Dad leaves town…” I cut Cole off.

  
“What’s a contract?” I asked, “I mean I know it’s a signed document but what does it mean in this case.”

  
“When a handler has something that he has to deal with or he’s ill or whatever someone can take over his handling duties. They will take the bottom to Villa parties for their handler and basically it’s like the guy is a temporary handler so the bottom has to do whatever he says anytime he says, there’s a lot of legal paperwork involved too permissions to take you out of school that type of stuff. He wants to have a contract. He said he was going to use it to hold you and basically he wanted to torture you. It basically allows them to share you with some other guy. It’s not very nice.” Cole explained.

  
“What do you mean?” I asked.

  
“Fist you, he mentioned hanging you up and whipping you, that he wanted to make you scream. He also said he wanted to make you cum until you’re dry which I might add is pretty fucking painful if you’ve never experienced that.” Cole said.

  
“That’s like a thing he does isn’t it?” I asked.

  
“Making you dry orgasm yeah,” Cole nodded his head, “So he’s done it to you?”

  
“Yeah repeatedly without stopping. I felt like I was being electrocuted.” I said having to stop and take a deep breath as I remembered what it felt like, “I remember feeling just beyond numb after.”

  
“He overstimulated you it just means your body had had enough and couldn’t handle it probably felt like pins and needles or bugs crawling all over you right?” Cole asked and I nodded, “Yeah overstimulation.”

  
“My Da does that a lot, over stimulates me,” We heard snuffling in the woods near the tree line and we both froze and went silent waiting to see what or who it was.

  
It felt like my heart stopped. I knew Hank couldn’t touch me officially but he could sure I make my life hell regardless. After a couple minutes of in animation and silence Cole sighed heavily and we continued walking forward deeper into the woods.  
“Your Dad is,” Cole shook his head, “He’s different. I guess.” I shrugged my shoulders.

  
“I’d say he’s move violent just in a different way. He fucks with your head badly. God my Dad speaks mostly with his fists your Dad like I said before he could make Manson hate himself if he had a soul,” Cole and I smiled remembering that joke.  
“Yeah,” I nodded my head.

  
“Can I ask you something?” He said looking at me seriously.

  
“Sure,” I sighed.

  
“Are you serious about him?” He asked referring to Pat.

  
“You mean my feelings?” I asked confused and slightly taken back. I didn’t think it would feel so personal to talk about for some reason but maybe it was because my feelings were one of only things that I had control over, that I owned and didn’t have to share with anyone if I didn’t want to. I knew I felt something deep for Pat, that I wanted him to touch me that being with him made me feel safe and protected and that it made me want to think about things I usually avoided thinking about. It made me feel like I had a right to my own body.

  
“Yeah, he’s like my brother: Pat is, I don’t want to see him hurt. I’ve never seen him like this with anyone before. Not being able to control the way his eyes read when he’s around you. I think he loves you and I realize you know what a big thing that is for us, for any of us so I want you to be sure that you really really care about him.” Cole said carefully.

  
“If I didn’t … if I wasn’t serious about him I’m not sure I could let him,” I paused, “Touch me like I do. I get super nervous when things start to get intense and he can read that somehow and he always asks me if I’m ok before he keeps going. I don’t know why but that’s so important. I think I do love him as much as I have ever loved anyone. I don’t know I’ve never done this before.” I crossed my arm in front of me hugging myself I had been in a lot of situations where I was fully exposed yet somehow I had never felt as vulnerable as I did in that moment.

  
“Justin,” He sighed, “That’s how I felt about him he was always very careful to make sure everything was ok. Everything I didn’t say he knew. I don’t know how but somehow he just knew.”

  
“I’m sorry about what happened to him,” I said.

  
“Me too, I feel like it was my fault really. My Dad had started taking me to the Villa a lot and I just wanted him to touch me all the time so I didn’t have to feel them. We were at home, my home and I knew my Dad was coming home from work soon but I didn’t care I had spent like until Tuesday at the Villa and it was Friday I wanted something to remember to get me through the weekend. I wanted to feel him against my skin even after we were done so I wouldn’t let him get dressed and we just laid together. We fell asleep and my Dad walked into my room without knocking of course and that was that. He sent Justin home and beat the shit out of me. He called Justin’s Dad and then they had to report to the leader and the higher ups. We knew what could happen when we started falling for each other but we didn’t think we would ever get caught. That weekend we didn’t go to the Villa because I was black and blue. I missed school until Wednesday and then Friday he drove us straight there and Justin was there too and I think I knew then. When I saw him and his Dad outside the Villa that it was over. I didn’t know how over of course because each punishment is a little different and when they draw names from the bowl it’s anyone’s guess but, his paper was red and mine was blue so there you go. They held me back and made me watch while they killed him. They did terrible things to me too after they killed him. They wouldn’t even let me go to him until it was all over until he was gone. I couldn’t even comfort him or tell him it was ok that he was going to be in a better place. I didn’t get to hold him again until he was already gone. When they finally let me go I held him for hours. They had to pry me off of him and I felt like I had died with him or at least part of me had. I don’t know I still don’t feel that part, it’s still gone.”

  
“Do you think you’ll ever love someone again?” I asked quietly.

  
“Maybe in time but not like that. Never like that. He was amazing,” Cole sighed.

  
“You know it wasn’t your fault,” I said.

  
“It feels like it was. I knew what could happen. I’d seen it happen before, heard stories but I loved him so much I didn’t want to believe it was possible. So then it happened,” Cole shrugged his shoulders.

  
“You’re worried that will happen to Pat?” I asked quietly, “That they’ll kill him?”

  
“A little honestly I’m worried they’ll kill you and he’ll be left behind because I don’t know how the dying feels, I can tell you it sounds painful and it looks painful so it probably is but being left behind that fucking hurts. Out of all the things they have ever done to me taking Justin has been the worst. I don’t want Pat to go through that pain so if you’re going to do this please for both of your sakes be careful and don’t get caught.” He warned me and nodded my head in understanding. We were silent for a minute taking in our deep conversation and then he sighed and gave me this weird look that made me start laughing and then he started laughing too.

  
“What?” I asked.

  
“How far have you guys gone? I mean you keep swearing you guys haven’t really done anything but I swear you have, I see it in both your faces,” Cole said.

  
“If I tell you, you can’t tell him I told,” I sighed.

  
“I won’t tell a soul I swear,” He smiled even wider.

  
“We’ve made out a lot, a lot a lot,” I said, “He’s …oh geeze I don’t even want to say it, he’s almost gone south so to speak,” I said and I felt myself starting to blush.

  
“Wow, that’s a big step,” Cole said, “It took Justin and I a while to get there. There was a lot of make out sessions before we got there because I didn’t feel right in my body I guess.”

  
“We’ve only done it like almost twice. I’m hoping it will feel different from when they…you know but, is it?” I asked quietly.

  
“Yeah, it feels really different,” Cole nodded his head.

  
“I’m scared of it. I’m trying but I keep…I’m scared,” I admitted suddenly.

  
“That’s because they make us feel guilty about it. About how our bodies respond to it so we don’t think it can ever feel good because the way they do it, it doesn’t.” He said quietly and I nodded my head in agreement.

  
“Do you think we’re safe?” I asked Cole.

  
“Yeah I think so,” Cole sighed, “It’s starting to get late though, if Pat was here we would know the time.”

  
“Yes!” I exclaimed, “Him and his watch.”

  
“That damn watch,” Cole laughed lightly, “I think its ok for us to head back though and then you should probably head home, me too.”

  
“Probably,” I sighed, “I don’t like being home lately. My Da is going to New York for a while for business though so I’m hoping once he’s gone things will be a little different. Hopefully good different.”

  
“I hope so too,” Cole replied, “Let’s go.” He said as we started walking back the way we came.

  
Hank wasn’t there. No one really was. The sun was starting to set so I knew it had to be close to 7 and Cole and I parted ways as I headed home. I managed to get home and upstairs without incident and when I made it to the upstairs kitchen everyone was sitting around eating dinner which appeared to be chicken and some type of pasta...

  
“Just in time,” Mum said looking up from feeding Mac his baby food, “Where have you been?”

  
“I was at the park,” I answered simply sitting down in front of a plate of food.

  
“With whom doing what?” She asked me.

  
“Pat and Cole and some girls,” I answered simply.

  
“You didn’t have permission. You also have homework you have to do don’t you?” She asked me as I took a bite of my food.

  
“Father Finick made me stay after school for a couple minutes, I missed the bus the park was kind of an in-between stop so we decided to hang out. It wasn’t a big deal we just sat on the swings and talked. I met these girls’ twins, named Celia and Delia they go to St. Bernie’s one of them seemed to like me,” I said.

  
“Girls? Girls are good,” Mum commented, “Homework after dinner though all right?” she said and I nodded in agreement.

  
“So what did Father Finick want?” Mum asked me.

  
“I don’t know, I mean there wasn’t a lot going on today, it was something about the upcoming lab,” I answered not wanting to get into it.

  
“Another one of your teachers called and talked to your Da,” She mentioned.

  
“You’re not going to make him go talk to Da are you mum?” Will asked worriedly.

  
“No love, you guys are staying away from Da for a bit ok? Don’t worry,” Mum smiled sadly at him.

  
“Which teacher?” I asked.

  
“Father Barren I think it was,” Mum sighed finally, “Your Da said he’s offering you extra help with school work on Monday evenings that he’ll drive you home after school. I didn’t realize you were so far behind.”

  
I felt my heart stop. Father Barren had made sure I was very aware of what his help would entail and that wasn’t something I wanted. I didn’t think he was really going to ask my Da that though I didn’t think he was serious about it.

  
“Are you ok John?” Catty asked.

  
I nodded and took a drink, “Yeah I’m ok.” I lied, “I’m not that far behind anymore I’m mostly caught up. It’s just little things here and there but I’m not doing too badly anymore.”

  
“Are you sure you’re ok?” James asked me.

  
“Yeah bud, I’m fine why?” I questioned back.

  
“I don’t know you just seem different,” James said eating some of his pasta.

  
“Different how?” I asked.

  
“It’s your eyes,” Mike answered.

  
“His eyes?” Mum asked as curious as I was.

  
“His eyes got really big like he was scared,” Matt answered mum.

  
“I’m fine,” I said again taking a bite of my food, I sighed heavily. I didn’t want to be interrogated by my family while I ate my dinner. And how exactly was I supposed to explain it to my younger brothers because I was sure most of them had no idea the extent of what Da was doing or that there were teachers involved in it that didn’t just give students “funny looks” as Will and Matt had put it.

  
“I’m going to go do my homework now,” I said getting up from the table and grabbing my plate to clear it.

  
“Can I come with?” Will asked suddenly standing up and grabbing his plate too, “I need some help with Math.”

  
“Yeah sure,” I said as we both smiled at mum and got up from the table rinsing our plates off at the sink and putting them in the dishwasher. Once that was done we walked down the hall and I went straight to my room and Will went to his room to grab his homework and met me in my own room as I spread my books out on the bed and he sat on the floor. I helped him with a couple of problems and we sat in silence doing our own work for a while before Will spoke.

  
“I heard Barren is in the brotherhood,” Will said without looking up.

  
“Yep,” I replied simply.

  
“So that means…” I cut him off.

  
“Yes, that’s what that means. I don’t want to talk about it,” I said rather forcefully.

  
“Does mum know that’s what going on though? I mean I thought you told her,” Will said.

  
“Will please, just don’t ok?” I sighed slamming my book shut, “I don’t want to talk about it mum knows there are some teachers involved but she doesn’t know which ones and what exactly is she supposed to do about it?”

  
“Sorry,” Will mumbled, “How are things going otherwise?” He asked changing the subject.

  
“Fine,” I answered.

  
“What about with Pat?” He asked me smiling.

  
“Hey!” I warned, “I’m not talking about that either all right?”

  
“Why not? It’s kind of awesome that you might have someone I mean isn’t that like supposed to be normal at your age?” Will asked.

  
“I guess I mean I haven’t really thought about it, it’s going well though I guess, why?” I asked.

  
“Because if there’s hope for you theirs hope for me,” He said, “I mean none of us are exactly normal.”

  
“We’re as normal as we’re allowed to be,” I answered opening my book back up and going back to my math to finish up my last problem.

  
“What does that mean?” Will asked curiously.

  
“We’re not allowed to be normal because of them and you know it. I know, anyone who is in the brotherhood knows it that’s our lives that’s the way it is,” I sighed switching to my cliff notes book.

  
“You should tell mum about Barren,” Will said causing me to slam my book closed.

  
“Why? What’s she going to do Will?” I hissed looking over at him.

  
“Make sure it doesn’t happen,” He commented not looking up from his math.

  
“Yeah then I fail my math class,” I said. As I said it I realized how true that was, how fucked up that was. I sighed sadly into my book and before I knew it I was fighting to hold back tears. My whole life was based on what other people could get from me besides Pat. Pat was the only thing in my life that was real. Because even my siblings only cared about me because I did things for them otherwise I don’t think I would have mattered to them either.

  
“Really?” He asked me softly.

  
“Yeah, really. At least I have four days though right? To I don’t know whatever …hopefully people leave me alone for a bit. Da said he’d give me a break and he has for the most part. Maybe I’ll get lucky and everyone else will leave me alone too for a while.” I said.

  
“I wish uncle Ben would leave me alone,” Will sighed.

  
“For real?” I asked feeling like I’d been punched in the stomach.

  
“Since we got home,” Will shrugged his shoulders his head down.

  
“Is it bad?” I probed lightly.

  
“ He makes me feel like I can’t breathe,” Will said his voice heavy as he avoided looking at me, shifting his weight burying his head in his book.

  
“Ok,” I nodded my head and he must have seen my thought process going on behind my eyes.

  
“John you can’t, you know you can’t,” Will said calmly finally looking up at me.

  
“Can’t what? Be your big brother?” I said, “God damn it how are we going to keep going?”

  
“I don’t know sometimes,” Will said quietly, “What time is it?”

  
I looked at my alarm clock, “almost time to get everyone packed off to bed,” I said closing my book and getting up.

  
“Ok, I’m going to go put my homework away will you start them off?” He asked me and I nodded my head.

  
“Ok Catty, James it’s time for bed guys!” I called out as they both came down the hall towards me and I gave them both hugs.

  
“Can we have a bed time story?” Catty asked me sweetly.

  
“Not tonight guys I’m tired, I have homework I have to finish off so unless you want to read the cliff notes for Huckberry Finn with me no can do,” I said and Catty laughed.

  
“What are cliff notes?” James asked.

  
“Basically is summarizes the book, takes out all the random unimportant stuff and just gives you important stuff,” I answered him.

  
“Why do you have to read them?” He asked.

  
“Well, I have a test on Monday so I need to know all the important stuff,” I answered.

  
“That’s no fun,” James said.

  
“Yeah man tell me about it, go get ready for bed and brush your teeth,” I said patting him on the head, “You too Catty I’ll be there in a minute I have to go check out the nursery and talk to mum.”

  
They headed down the hall towards their bedrooms as I knocked on the nursery door lightly and cracked it open. Sure enough she was there rocking Mary as she fed her, her breast out rubbing Mary softly and talking to her quietly.

  
“Sorry,” I said turning away.

  
“Oh love its ok I fed you this way once too you realize?” She said, “You can’t see anything anyway. What do you need?”

  
“I just wanted to say I’m helping get Cat and James off to bed,” I said, “When is Da leaving for New York?”

  
“Tomorrow evening, just try to avoid him ok? We’re having a family dinner to see him off tomorrow night but otherwise I don’t want him near any of you.” She said to me. I nodded my head in reply and exhaled deeply, “What’s wrong love?” She asked me.  
“Just a bad feeling,” I said shaking my head, “its fine mum don’t worry about it.”

  
“Try to hold on please love,” She said her eyes sad and tired, worn, “Come here.” She held out her free arm and I came close and she hugged me lightly, “I love you ok? You’re so brave and you help me so much thank you for being such a huge help to me.”  
“I love you too mum,” I said softly wishing there were things I could ask her wishing that we were somewhere far away from here and that our escape had been successful. If it had been I wouldn’t be with Pat sure but I wouldn’t have to worry about being woken up by my Da or throwing myself at my uncle like I was planning to do to save my brother some heart ache.

  
I walked out and quietly shut the door behind me and went and tucked James and Catty in checking to make sure Mike and Matt were safe in their room winding down for the night. I wished everyone a good night and went back to my cliff notes. I read until I couldn’t see straight but I managed to catch up on my reading completely which was good and when I looked at the clock it was near midnight. I knew mum had gone downstairs I had heard her leave and I knew everyone else was asleep. I got up to get a drink.

  
I made it to the fridge and I heard the pantry handle move and I froze. Was I really ready to do this? Was I really going to let him have sex with me so he would leave Will alone? I swallowed and stepped back as my Uncle emerged from the stair case behind the pantry.


	25. 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John feels like he's breaking, he's tired and worn down, groggy. He's worried about things that are going to happen that he knows he can't stop so he seeks comfort and emotional support.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 531 to 557. I know I'm getting a little post happy but do you really mind that much? *shrugs my shoulders* anyway some fun stuff happens in here that I did enjoy writing lots of dialogue but some other stuff going on here too. The begining of the chapter is usual kind of horrible poor John stuff but the middle gets really interesting let me know what you think Warnings: RAPE/Non-con right off the bat, swearing of course, underage drinking, underage smoking, delinquent behavior (skipping school), Consentual oral sex, making out, teen love, Angst, depression, talk of self-injury, talk of anxiety, just general warnings I guess.

“Hey Johnny,” He said smiling.

  
“Hello Uncle Ben,” I whispered.

  
“I came to visit Will,” He said quietly.

  
“I know. I can’t let you,” I said bravely standing and pushing my shoulder back trying to make myself as tall as I could and finding it wasn’t tall enough.

  
“You think you can stop me?” He said smiling making me feel sick to my stomach.

  
“I’ll do it,” I said.

  
“What?” He asked me his eyes getting excited.

  
“I’ll do it,” I said again.

  
“Oh,” he said grabbing me by the hips before I had the chance to pull away my breath caught in my throat, “Don’t,” He warned me and I swallowed and nodded my head, “Let’s go downstairs huh?” He said as he moved out of the way so I could start my descent.

  
We walked down the stairs in silence even though I could swear anyone near me could hear my heart pounding against my chest. At least he took the bait was all I kept thinking at least it wasn’t Will tonight. I kept repeating that thought to myself over and over hoping it would give me the courage I needed to get it done and over with. Once we got down the kitchen he stopped and opened the fridge downstairs pulling out a beer and handed it to me. I chugged it down even though to me it tasted bubbly and sour not like Vodka which I was used to that had a nice burn to it. I knew it wasn’t going to get me drunk but I took it anyway because he offered it to me so freely as he went behind me and wrapped his hands around my waist as I drank it trying to ignore the way his hands felt wrapping around me like a snake trying to squeeze the will to live out of me.

  
“What if I fuck you right here?” He hissed in my ear thrusting against me making me spit beer all over myself and he laughed.

  
“Can’t we just go downstairs,” I asked thinking about what might happen if he really hurt me how I would end up screaming and making noise which is something I didn’t want anyone to hear especially my mum who would come running downstairs or worse yet my Da who would want to join.

  
“Will you suck my cock?” He asked me and I nodded my head.

  
“If you take me downstairs,” I answered and he smiled letting me go so I could pull the basement door open. He walked down the stairs close behind me and I wanted for him to choose which room we were going into and he chose the one with the beds. I sighed with relief knowing that meant he wasn’t going to hang me from the ceiling. I walked into the door way and he grabbed my pants by the draw string loosening it and causing them to fall around my ankles.

  
He laughed, “Tighty whities really still?” He chuckled, “Aren’t you getting old enough for something different?” he said as I started backing away walking my way out of my pants, “I won’t hurt you.” He said licking his lips as I hit the bedframe falling onto the bed before I realized I was that close to it, “Not much.”

  
He dropped his pants revealing he had no underwear on at all and he made me blow him. He didn’t finish in my mouth though instead he roughly turned me over and I knew he was going to rape me and that I’d be lucky if he gave my body time to accumulate to the feeling of his. He rubbed lube on himself and sunk into me without using anything to stretch me out make me gasp in pain.

  
“You’re ok,” He breathed into my back as he made his first thrusts.

  
“Shit,” I hissed as he laughed lightly behind me kissing my neck his one hand on my hip guiding himself in and out.

  
“God your hole is so fucking tight,” He moaned as he started to thrust harder and deeper

  
“Ok!” I yelped as I felt myself starting to cry, “Stop!”

  
“What?” He said punching me in the back while he picked up the pace knocking the breath out of me making me cough.

  
“Stop!” I dared to say again as he leaned into me.

  
“I’ll stop in just a second Johnny just relax,” He moaned biting into my neck lightly as he started to cum inside me. After he was done he collapsed on top of me and laid there for a while after he pulled out. I felt sick to my stomach and I was hot and sweaty. After a minute he rolled off me and rolled me over flopping me onto my back while I laid there with my eyes still closed and still feeling breathless and then he kissed my sternum making my eyes snap open and making my stomach jump.

  
“Wait,” I said my hands going up to grab his head but he caught them without even looking squeezing my wrists as he pushed them back down into the pillow above my head.

  
“No, no, you said you would do this,” He reminded me and I sighed heavily. I didn’t want a blow job. I didn’t want this it was bad enough what he had already done he didn’t need to do this.

  
“You don’t need to do this,” I said.

  
“I like sucking you off, it’s one of my favorite parts,” He said continuing to press me hard into the mattress kissing lower down my chest licking and teasing my right nipple making me jump.

  
“Please don’t,” I begged.

  
Before I knew it his hand was around my throat and he was staring me straight in the eyes. I knew he was going to start squeezing so I swallowed and held my breath because I figured it would hurt less than if I struggled with it.  
“I enjoy it,” He said starting to squeeze, “And I know you like it so just lay back. I mean for fucking sake all you have to do is lay there,” he said his grip tightening even more, “Got it?” he said as the pressure caused my mouth to gape.

  
“Got it,” I said choking making myself cough.

  
“Good, now just let it happen,” he hissed letting go, my own hand grabbing my neck where his had been a moment before as air finally started passing up and down my wind pipe easy again

.  
He continued kissing down my body raising goose bumps on my skin as I closed my eyes gulping knowing I had to “just let it happen”. His finger nails digging into my hips as he finally got what he wanted and he started making sucking noises as he went down on me. I exhaled deeply trying to keep myself calm keep myself from fighting because it hurt but felt good all at once. I wanted him to stop the pressure starting to build.

  
“Ok,” I whispered breathlessly letting him know that I felt like I was done even though I hadn’t climaxed. He started sucking harder making me gasps and bite back a moan, “OK,” I said a little louder which caused him to dig his nails in harder. I started breathing faster and I knew I was going to cum. I knew it and I couldn’t stop it and I hated myself for it. This wasn’t right this was so wrong and I knew it was and I felt dirty and disgusting as the pressure kept building. Stars exploded behind my closed eyelids as I released. After I released he didn’t stop though he just started sucking harder one of his fingers ticking the spot between my ass and my balls and it felt like he was sending electric shocks up my spine.

  
“S-St-STOP!” I nearly screamed as I started pushing on his head trying to get him to let me go to stop, “No, fucking stop!” I pleaded as I starting getting hard again as I tried to knee him in the chest. He punched me in the knee cap and continued what he was doing, “STOP!” I scream again and this time he answered by ranking his nails hard down my thigh causing me to cry out in pain. He didn’t stop he just kept going until I climaxed again. Sweaty and breathless and only then he stopped looking up.

  
He looked at me closely, intently his eyes boring into my soul, “I can see why your daddy loves you so much, you’re fucking beautiful,” he said as I stared back at him bring my knees to my chest and hugging them tight, “Don’t look at me like that. I just paid you a compliment aren’t you going to say anything?”

  
“Thanks,” I said staring blankly at him.

  
“Oh Johnny you’re so beautiful, really you are,” he said leaning forward reaching out for me as I impulsively recoiled.

  
“Don’t touch me,” I snapped as his hand reach for my cheek and I hit it away.

  
“Want me to go get Will?” He asked me blankly his eyes showing no emotion no anger in his voice.

  
I sighed and shook my head.

  
“Ok then be a good boy all right?” He asked me.

  
“I thought I was,” I murmured.

  
“Good boys don’t tell people to stop and don’t stare blankly when someone pays them a compliment. Good boys listen to their contract holders,” He said.

  
“You’re my contract holder?” I asked him.

  
“You know what that means?” He asked me surprised.

  
I nodded my head in response. So that was that then. Uncle Ben was staying here while Da went to New York. This wasn’t going to be good. Not for me, not for Will, not for anyone.

  
“I want to feel your skin against mine,” He said climbing on top of me again starting to kiss my neck even though I pushed hard against him trying to push him off me.

  
“Please no,” I begged closing my eyes. I wanted this to stop.

  
“Why not?” He asked me the air of his words tickling my skin.

  
“I don’t want to,” I answered honestly.

  
“I can go get Will, or little Jamie if you don’t want to, you think they’ll want to?” He asked me.

  
“No,” I answered quietly.

  
“What if I make this one about you huh?” He asked me.

  
“No that’s ok, I’ll do it. I’ll be good I promise,” I answered him hoping that after that he would just take what he wanted and leave me alone.

  
“Close your eyes,” He whispered into my collar bone and I did as I was told.

  
I waited feeling frozen, scared of what he was going to do and then I felt his hands on the inside of my knees forcing them apart rubbing up my inner thighs his one hand finding its way to my scrotum making me gasp.

  
“I want to watch your face as you cum,” He whispered into my nipple.

  
I swallowed hard. I didn’t like people looking at me especially any of them. He started rubbing bring me back to the brink and before I could stop myself a small sigh escaped.

  
“Yeah?” He asked rubbing harder as I felt my face flush. My body started responding in all the ways he wanted it to, my breaths coming in short light gasps, my chest heaving as he rubbed me towards climax. I could feel his eyes digging into me watching me closely as I squirmed under his touch.

  
I wanted to scream at him to stop. I wanted to push him away but at that point I was afraid that if I broke my promise it would cost one of my brothers dearly and I couldn’t let that happen. So I clenched my eyes shut and let my body respond the way it was programed to respond giving him what he wanted.

  
“God you have such an amazing O face,” he said wiping his hand off on the sheet next to us after I climaxed.

  
“Thanks,” I said numbly as he curled himself around me laying his head on my chest.

  
“Don’t be so tense,” he said kissing me gently making me jump, “Usually fucking chills me out but you are beyond tense I feel very single muscle in your body flexed right now.”

  
I swallowed hard, “I’m just tired.”

  
“Are you just tired or are you fighting yourself? What you just enjoyed? You can’t lie and say you didn’t like it the proof is inside me and on the sheet beside us,” He said his hand going back to my hip.

  
I could feel the scream that wanted to escape just thinking about him doing it again touching me making my body submit to him. I didn’t want this and I felt like I couldn’t do it again. I took a slow shaky breath knowing I couldn’t say no. That just like with my Da I wasn’t allowed to that it would just mean he would make sure I was in pain or he would find someone else to go wake up. I remember trying to go away in my head like I did when I was little when his hands used to travel over my body before my Da and Mum even knew what was going on. How I used to dream of flying to faraway places by just opening my arms like they were wings.

  
“Such a good boy,” he cooed in my ear sending me crashing back into reality.my head spinning.

  
“Are you done?” I dared to ask numbly.

  
“Yeah Johnny, let’s go to sleep you and I ok? Just like old times. You remember that how I used to climb into bed with? You and hold you against my skin?” He asked and I nodded numbly even though I didn’t remember at all. I don’t ever remember spending the night with him when I was a kid but I remember the way his hands felt exploring how it always tickled but in a bad way like cold fire running through my veins and over my skin. He reached over and turned off a lamp on the side table and then climbed back into the bed with me holding me tight against his chest, “you’re still so tense, maybe you need a sleeping pill. Didn’t the doctor give you some of those?” He cooed gently into my ear.

  
“Yeah, their upstairs in my room,” I answered.

  
“Ah, well maybe I can go up there with you, lay with you just for a little while huh?” He said making it sound almost like a question but I knew it was more of a command.

  
“Sure,” I answered and got up. We left the room quietly and I didn’t even really worry about finding my clothes just my underwear and pulled it back on. I don’t even really remember going back up to my room only that once we were there I took one of the pills out of my nightstand and swallowed it with some vodka because I knew he didn’t care how I washed it down and then he laid with me. I remember staring at the clock noticing it read 2:43 and knowing that I would have to be up by six in order to be ready for school but not caring because I felt like it was pointless anyway. I mean what’s the point on trying for good grades when all I had to do was bend over to earn them?

  
At some point I must have fallen asleep because I didn’t wake up until my alarm went off and I fell out of bed and noticed he wasn’t there anymore. I felt sore all over and knew I was bruised but I also knew I still had to get up and go to school. I remember barely being able to keep my eyes open really struggling to stay on my feet as I climbed in the shower planning to have a really quick one.

  
At some point someone knocked on the door. I don’t remember calling out and saying come in but I put my head under the stream of fast moving water hoping it would help me wake up.

  
I heard a heavy sigh, “What did you do?” Will asked quietly.

  
“What do you mean?” I asked him.

  
“Don’t play dumb John he didn’t wake me up last night. What did you do?” He said again.

  
“What I had to,” I remember shrugging my shoulder even that movement hurting and I hissed in pain as the water hit my thigh directly on the scratches he had left.

  
“What’s wrong?” He asked poking his head around the shower curtain, “You said no didn’t you?” He asked me looking at me.

  
“It was stupid ok?” I said, “At least it wasn’t you though.”

  
“You’re going to need concealer,” Matt said looking at my neck, “Did he choke you out?”

  
“I didn’t pass out no, even though right now I feel like I’m going to,” I grumbled.

  
“Did he drug you?” He asked me worriedly.

  
“No, he made me take a sleeping pill after he was done so I would “relax” because yeah you know it’s normal to relax while your rapist is spooning you,” I said trying to hold back my tears rinsing my face off in the water again.  
“What time was that?” He asked.

  
“I don’t know late like threeish.” I answered.

  
“That’s not good that means you’ve had three hours of sleep. It’s amazing you’re awake because usually they say eight hours you need to have at least eight hours for sleep available in order to take a sleeping pill. You should tell mum you don’t feel good and stay home,” He said.

  
“No, I’m not staying home not with him and Da here, not happening I’d rather go to school and deal with almost getting blown after hours by one of my teachers then have to deal with being trapped in a room with one of them all fucking day,” I said shaking my head and turning off the water, “That and at least Pat’s at school.”

  
“You really like him don’t you?” Will asked me.

  
“Yes,” I answered getting out and toweling off.

  
“Oh my god John,” Will said.

  
“What?” I asked confused.

  
“He beat the crap out of you,” Will commented looking at my hips which the towel was hanging off of.

  
I finally looked at my scratches. They were more like gouges. They looked pretty deep angry and red, “It’s not a big deal.” I said pulling my towel higher and going out into my room to get my clothes together and put on my uniform.

  
“Not a big deal it looks like he took a razor blade to your hips,” He commented.

  
“Will, please just go so I can get dressed in peace,” I begged.

  
“You should have mum look at those though, they look really really bad. Do they hurt?” He asked.

  
“Will!” I snapped, “Please I just want to get dressed without you.”

  
“Ok fine,” Will sighed, “Don’t fall asleep.” He said as he walked back out shutting the door behind him.

  
I managed to get dressed without falling asleep however I sat down to put my shoes on and…you guessed it I fell asleep. Before I knew it Will was shaking me awake and was stumbling to the elevator and down the stairs out the front door just in time for the bus to pull up to the curb and let us on. I climbed to the back and Dom eyes widened in horror when he saw me.

  
“Shit John your neck,” He said and I smacked myself in the face. I had forgotten to put concealer on my bruises because I had fallen asleep.

  
“This day is off to a fucking great start,” I swore at him.

  
“What happened?” He asked quietly as I flipped my shirt collar up to hide the marks around my throat.

  
“It’s nothing,” I shook my head.

  
“Someone choked him out,” Dick commented.

  
“Shut the fuck up no one’s talking to you asshole,” I spat.

  
“Oh someone has balls the morning,” Dick scoffed as the bus went quiet listening to our conversation.

  
I sighed heavily, “I’m too tired for this shit all right?”

  
“So you’re going to call me names but you don’t want to back that up?” Dick muttered, “You fucking fags are all the same.”

  
“Oh FUCK YOU!” I yelled.

  
“HEY NO SWEARING BACK THERE!” The bus driver hissed.

  
“So you’re a fag?” He asked me his lip curling as he smiled.

  
“I didn’t say that,” I said stifling a yawn. I still felt completely loopy and light headed from that sleeping pill.

  
“You didn’t say you weren’t,” Dick commented.

  
“Well, someone found a brain the morning,” Dom snickered.

"What? You two boyfriends?" Dick asked.

  
“Huh, don’t know what school you’re going to but, being gay is a sin,” Dom shot back, “I doubt he’s gay and if he was he would have to be super stupid to tell you about it.”

  
“Well, I know your gay I listen your father fu…,” I cut him off.

  
“I think you’re imagining shit and maybe you’re the homo so shut the fuck up, for real,” I hissed.

  
Dom sighed and shook his head. I didn’t understand Dick at all. Or Alec and Mike why on earth did they think that shit was funny to joke about? Didn’t they realize that stuff really happened to people? And If Dick knew what was going on but didn’t know the extent why or earth didn’t he report it to the cops? I would think a decent person would care enough to say something and try to help their neighbor out if that type of stuff was going on. I waited for another comment from Dick but before he could say anything else the bus pulled up to the school and we waited for everyone to file off before we got up. When I got up I tripped over my own foot and Dom caught me by the back of the blazer.

  
“Woah Mr. Smooth,” He said helping me regain my footing and then waited until we were off the bus and out of ear shot before shooting me a whispered, “Are you like drunk?”

  
“I’m always Drunk Dom, like seriously. No I took a sleeping pill last night and I feel like I’m swaying through life why?” I asked.

  
“The way you’re moving, your mood. I have never seen you this irritable even with Dick,” He mentioned.

  
“I’m fucking tired ok? Like I don’t know how I’m going to stay awake through Dunbee’s fucking boring ass class today let alone actually read,” I hissed as we got to the trees.

  
“No it’s more than that man,” Dom said, “What’s going on?”

  
“What happened to your neck?” Hunter commented when he saw me.

  
“Really it looks that bad?” I sighed as Pat handed me a cigarette.

  
“Yeah, I’ll give you some concealer,” He said reaching out his hand to touch it and I backed up on reflex causing everyone’s eyes to widen.

  
“Rabbit? Are you ok?” he asked.

  
“Yeah I’m fine all right?” I said.

  
“Come here,” he said motioning for me to follow him and I rolled my eyes and followed him outside our little circle farther into the buses where no one could hear us talking, “What’s up? You can tell me anything you know? Something is wrong.”

  
“It’s nothing I’m fine, just worried ok?” I said simply and shook my head.

  
Pat sighed, “Worried about what? I thought your Dad said you were going to get a break.”

  
“I thought so too but apparently Father Barren wants to give me “tutoring” and I found out Uncle Ben won’t leave Will alone, so I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do other then go kill myself.” I sighed, “I don’t want to do this anymore. You should see what the rest of me looks like,” I said and felt his eyes travel down my frame which made me smile, “Not like that,” I said rolling my eyes but smiling lightly at the realization he was checking me out.

  
“There you are,” He said his eyes lighting up, “I know it’s hard. If I could I would make you feel so much better right now,” He said and I allowed him to touch my cheek leaning my face against his hand.

  
He threw his half smoked cigarette on the ground and sighed looking at me and then he embraced me holding me tight rubbing my back and shoulders. It felt nice like he was unthawing my body with his touch like warm water spreading under my skin. I relaxed laying my head on his shoulder wishing I didn’t have to be away from him for classes wishing I could spend every moment of the rest of forever in his arms. After a minute his grip loosened and we broke apart.

  
“A little better?” He asked me smiling at me lovingly.

  
“Yes, thank you,” I said, “I don’t know how I’m going to deal with McClairen today. I don’t know how I’m going to deal with anything today let alone tonight.”

  
“What do you mean tonight?” He asked me slowly.

  
I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t want to talk about that, worry him about it. There was enough going on he didn’t need to know what was going on there. I also felt like it wasn’t my place to say as well. Not completely Uncle Ben being more Will’s problem then my own.

  
Pat sighed heavily looking at me worried. His eyes weary like he was watching me carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and could do nothing to help me support it no matter how much he wanted me to, “I wish you would tell me what’s wrong.”  
“It’s not my place to say,” I answered quietly frowning at my shoes, “It’s just. There’s a lot going on. I’ve always tried so hard to protect them. All of them and I’m failing. You know how hard I’ve worked my whole life to protect them especially him? I remember being six and stuffing him in closets just so Uncle Ben and Da would leave him alone. I can’t protect myself from them anymore, how can I protect them? How can anyone expect him to do it for himself? I can’t let them do that to him he deserves better.” I sighed.

  
“Who are you talking about?” Pat asked softly cupping my face in his hands gently, “You know, you don’t deserve this either, right? You aren’t expected to protect then any of them. Ask them, they’ll tell you that. Who are you talking about? Which brother?”  
“Will,” I answered softly.

  
“Will is so worried about you, we all are. The last thing he expects is for you to be able to do anything to protect him,” Pat said trying to press his forehead to mine before I pulled away slightly, frowning.  
“When did you talk to him?” I asked him curious.

  
“Remember the night I spent the night after New Year’s? When your mum caught us kissing. He actually talked to me about a lot of stuff he’s a good kid but he’s super worried about you.”

  
“Why though? I mean I feel like I’m doing okish. I just feel tired a lot is all. I get tired of being touched by people I don’t want to be touched by is all and it’s not like I can stop them,” I said just thinking about it making me angry and tired.

  
“Rabbit, you’re not doing ok I’ve been in your shoes before remember? I’ve gotten locked up for trying to kill myself because my Dad was literally letting everyone that gave me that look fuck me. So I tried to drink bleach. You don’t want that hell trust me Rabbit. Being trapped up at the Villa or the hospital. They’ll do things to you until you beg them to let you go back to how things were before.”

  
“Was it that bad?” I asked.

  
“It’s something I don’t like to talk about but, for you I’ll talk about it,” Pat said nodding, “You know stripped and whipped, sucked and fucked? Imagine that over and over until all you feel is your skin crawling until your body is so sore you literally can’t stand up and yet they still keep going. They stuck a vibrator up my ass on high and left it there for hours until I …,” Pat swallowed.

  
“It’s ok Pat, you don’t have to say anymore. I get it ok? I’ll do better I promise,” I hugged him tightly, “I’m sorry I don’t want you to worry about me ok?”

  
"Just don’t throw yourself in the way to protect everyone else all the time that’s all I ask,” Pat said and then glanced around quickly to make sure no one was near or watching and leaned down and gave me a quick peck on the lips.

  
Just then the Bell rang. I sighed smiling up at him, “Ok. I’ll see you after school?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah, the park just you and I hopefully for a little while maybe we can get back to what we were doing yesterday? If you want to,” He smiled at me.

  
“Maybe,” I answered shrugging my shoulders, “I don’t know sometimes that just makes me feel nervous.”

  
I watched his face to see his reaction and just nodded his head. He didn’t seem upset to hear that I wasn’t sure about it. That I was uncertain. Just accepting, understanding.

  
We started walking towards the building everyone else already well on their way inside, “I get that, I understand I do. Whatever you don’t want we won’t do ok? I know sometimes it feels like just another person is invading your space if you’re not into it but, I would never force you to do anything you understand?” He said squeezing my hand gently then letting go, “Get to class Rabbit all right? Try to keep your head down if you have any trouble tell me at lunch ok?” He looked at me closely.

  
“Ok I will, what?” I asked confused by his looked.

  
“Nothing, I’ll see you later,” He said he said smiling as we both speed down opposite hallways to our classes.

  
“Mr. McGregor quit making this a habit,” Father Dunbee wheezed as I walked into the classroom right before the last bell rang and nearly tripped into my seat.

  
I don’t remember much of what happened only that I barely managed to stay awake once I was sitting and Father Dunbee kept giving me dirty looks and yelling my name (I’m assuming because I kept falling asleep.) I somehow managed to make it through class however when the bell rang Father Dunbee asked me to stay behind.

  
I stood up because I was pretty sure if I waited for everyone to file out of the room sitting at my desk I would be falling back to sleep even though I could feel the sleeping pill starting to wear off lightly. As the last person left he motioned me forward towards his desk.

  
“Rough night Mr. McGregor?” He asked not looking up from his desk.

  
“Yes, sir I’m terribly sorry I’m really trying here I’m just so tired,” I apologized.

  
“You are aware I know things. If you need help you need to tell me and I will intervene as much as I can,” He reminded me, “I don’t want your performance to suffer. You are a good student and dedicated to earning your grades fairly I’ve noticed so please I’m asking you if you need help and there is anything I can do let me know.”

  
“I just took a sleeping pill late last night is all Father Dunbee really I’m fine,” I lied.

  
“You’re sure?” He asked me.

  
“Yes, thank you for your concern though father,” I assured him.

  
“Ok you may go, are you caught up on your reading?” He asked me.

  
“Yes sir,” I said.

  
“Good lad,” He said waving me off.

  
As I walked out of the room Dom jump scared me.

 

“Geeze the look on your face, sorry,” He said, “Are you ok?”

  
“I don’t want to go to math class could we skip?” I asked half joking half serious.

  
“Why?” He asked.

  
I shook my head, “Whatever you want to think it is,” I said and Dom grabbed my elbow roughly pulling me into an empty bathroom and then checking to make sure all the stalls were empty as well.

  
“He offered to tutor you again?” He asked me.

  
“He called my parents and I get to see him after school Monday,” I said the words feeling weird as they rolled off my tongue.

  
“Oh no,” Dom said his face dropping.

  
“At least I get an A right?” I said shrugging my shoulders.

  
“Oh no,” Dom shook his head again.

  
“You know something?” I asked.

  
“Personally? No I’ve heard things though. He’s into weird stuff,” He commented.

  
“They’re all into weird stuff I mean think about it, am I attractive?” I scoffed.

  
“That is a very weird question to ask me,” Dom said wrinkling his nose at me, “As far as guys go I guess?”

  
“See? That’s exactly what I mean,” I said.

  
“Huh, this feels awkward all of the sudden,” He said a faint pink glow spreading across his cheeks, “You care to know what I’ve heard or would you rather be surprised?” He asked me.

  
“I hate surprises,” I said, “What did you hear?”

  
“He has a sex swing. He’s into watersports and BDSM shit,” Dom said.

  
I felt my eyebrow raise, “That isn’t something I would think from looking at him.”

  
“Yeah no shit not that it’s something I want to think about,” Dom laughed lightly.

  
“Well, shit,” I sighed.

  
“You ready to go to class while he stares at you and has naughty thoughts?” Dom asked smiling.

  
“Honestly never,” I answered, “Never ready just because of that fact but, since I can’t convince you to skip with me let’s just get it over with.”

  
“Ok then,” Dom said just as the bell rang, “Well, we better hurry.”

  
“Hurry to get stared at?” I asked him.

  
“No, just to get to class because the sooner we get there the sooner we can get it over with,” He said as we hurried down the hallway to wait in line outside the door.

  
We got to the line and I held my breath as I waited because I was almost positive he was going to call me into the room before the bell rang to talk to me and sure enough he stuck his head outside the door and glanced up and down the line, “Mr. McGregor are you here today?” He barked at the class lined up against the wall.

  
“Yes father,” I answered knowing that if I didn’t answer someone would probably rat me out.

  
“Come on then we have something to discuss,” He said moving aside so I could walk through the threshold. Once I was inside the door he shut it coming up behind me and putting a hand on my shoulder making me tense up, “Oh,” he said as my shoulder moved under his hand.

  
“Can I help you father?” I asked moving forward away from his hand.

  
“Yes, I was thinking maybe we could move that tutoring session from Monday to tomorrow,” He answered coming around to stand in front of me.

  
“You’d have to ask my Da,” I said hating the words as they came out of my mouth, “I’m not sure I need the tutoring at all though to be honest but thank you for offering father.”

  
“You will if you don’t come to the tutoring session. I think I will call your dad let him know about the situation,” He said.

  
My feet felt like lead. I wanted to move to turn around the open the classroom door and just walk away but for some reason I couldn’t move. Almost like a deer caught the high beams of a headlight. I felt frightened and I was pretty sure the feeling was written all over my face and I was an opened book that I was living up to the nick name Pat had bestowed on me out of affection, Rabbit.

  
Just then the bell rang and Father Barren opened the door to allow my classmates to file in. I exhaled loudly and sat down in my seat next to Dom who shot me a worried look and mouth the question of the day “are you ok?” I just shook my head and ran my hands through my hair.

  
“Ok today we are going to be doing a quiz and then board work, I don’t want any talking unless it’s to discuss the problem on the board,” Father Barren stated.

  
The hour was mostly silent and boring even though I could feel his eyes on me and not the person on the board the entire class. I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin every time I looked up and saw him watching me. I remember feeling horribly scared like my ability to breathe had escaped me and I needed to relearn the function. I was pretty sure I was shaking the whole entire time and I kept thinking of how to not make tomorrow come because now instead of four days I was down to one I was pretty sure.

  
When the bell rang I nearly sprinted from the room trying to find air to breath. I stumbled down the hall to the bathroom and finally managed to breathe once I had locked myself in a stall and kicked the door repeatedly. I hated myself, I hated everything about my life. I couldn’t stand this I couldn’t stand having one more of them look at me like that, not today. I punched the door as hard as I could and I felt the skin on my knuckles splinter. I felt like screaming.

  
I heard someone rush into the bathroom and then I heard him calling out to me, “Rabbit?” He said softly trying to coax me out of my spot.

  
“I can’t do this,” I answered him.

  
“Can’t do what?” He asked me softly coming to the other side of the stall.

  
“Him, this all of it, I can’t do it,” I said.

  
“Who?” He asked.

  
“Father Barren, not that I can stand McClairen or Finick either but I’ve already dealt with them I swear if I have to let one more of them touch me I’m going to kill myself,” I said and before I knew it I was screaming.

  
“Oh Rabbit, open the door, you’re going to get someone’s attention and it won’t be good, please be quiet just let me in,” He begged me moving the door back and forth on its hinges.

  
I unlocked the door and grabbed him by the wrist pulling him in forcefully and locking the stall behind him burying my face in his chest. He hugged me kissing the top of my head, “You’re ok now, right now you’re ok,” He whispered into my hair as I clung to him tightly.

  
After I had calmed down a little I pulled away and looked in his eyes he cupped my cheek in his hands. I grabbed the back of his hand a looked at him as his thumb reached up and wiped a tear away from my cheek.

  
“I’m sorry,” He said quietly.

  
“I know, me too,” I said and then reached up and kissed him.

  
First it was slow and quiet and gentle and then it quickened became more edger more focused, my tongue rolling against his in his mouth my hands on his back as he held my neck lightly making sure he avoided the finger shaped bruises that were there. Before I knew it both our shirts were half way unbuttoned our ties on the floor by our feet. His hands went to go untuck my button up from my pants and I hissed in pain.

  
“Rabbit?” He asked confused.

  
“It’s nothing,” I said realizing what it was, the scratches and angry welts my uncle had left in my hips and back last night, how Pat had probably brushed his fingers against them through the fabric of my pants.

  
“No, let me see,” He said frowning untucking my undershirt from my pants his eyes opening wide and shock and horror as he looked at me his eyes almost seeming to start shinning.

  
“It’s just a scratch” I said shrugging my shoulders not able to look at him anymore feeling ashamed, embarrassed. I didn’t want it to be a big deal.

  
“That’s more than a scratch, what happened?” He asked unable to wipe the look of shock and worry from his face making my throat feel tight.

  
I didn’t want to say. Thinking about it made me feel ashamed and knowing it had been a choice I had made willingly, I felt that much worse about it, “Uncle Ben has been bothering Will every night so last night, I intercepted.”

  
“What the fuck were you thinking?” Pat asked me his eyes still wide his mouth open staring at me in horror.

  
“He, It will destroy him and I can’t let that happen,” I sighed.

  
“It’s destroying you. Please don’t do it again,” He said, “If not for you then for me ok?”

  
“I don’t want him to be me,” I said.

  
“Will won’t be you. Will is a different person,” Pat reminded me.

  
“I know he is I’m just so, I can’t let Uncle Ben do this to him,” I said.

  
“Yeah but I can’t stand by and watch you allow him to do it to you ok?” Pat said running a hand through my hair.

  
“What choice do I have? If it’s not me it’s one of them and I don’t think I could ever forgive myself if I let them do that to any of my brothers or sisters.” I answered.

  
“John, listen to me, their rapists ok? That’s what they do they rape people they are sick sick men and there is nothing we can do to stop them from doing it ok? You need to accept that. Keeping your siblings safe is not your reasonability. The only person you have to keep safe, as safe as you can is you. Do you understand me? You right here in front of me, you who I would do anything I could to make better, you the person who I am watching slowly kill themselves because they think they have to keep everyone else safe,” Pat said.

  
“It hurts watching it, knowing that’s what’s happening to them, it rips me apart even more then… what they do to me ok? I don’t know how you can’t understand that,” I sighed and he hugged me tightly placing his forehead against mine.

  
“I do, I do understand but I can’t watch you die slowly Rabbit, please give yourself a break, avoid them, spent time with me, be with me,” He begged me.

  
“How? There is nowhere to go, they are even here in school I have to deal with Barren tomorrow and I have to probably deal with Finick and McClairen today I don’t even know how I’m going to get through the rest of the school day because I see in their eyes what they want to do to me. I know what’s going to happen if they get me alone and I’m not going to be able to do anything to stop them. I’ve heard rumors about Barren what he’s like I’m scared ok, I’m terrified,” I said.

  
“We’ll skip, I have a place we can hang out just you and me all right, no McClairen or Finick today we’ll go away and hang out smoke, drink and just chill all right?” He said to me.

  
I sighed heavily. I was afraid of getting caught yes but I really didn’t think I could deal with McClairen locking me in that classroom when every single classroom I walked into felt like it was killing me, “Ok,” I answered nodding my head.

  
“Ok, we’ll leave shortly let’s go buy some food first all right? Maybe eat something,” He said rubbing my neck lightly.

  
“I’m not hungry,” I answered.

  
“Oh Rabbit you have to eat. I’m not stupid I know what happens after a while. You’re getting taller you can’t stop eating you’ll stunt yourself make yourself short.” He said.

  
“I’m not really getting taller,” I answered.

  
“You might not have noticed it but you are,” He said.

  
“Maybe I’m just meant to be short,” I said again insisting I wasn’t growing any taller.

  
Thinking about it made me nervous. Growing up my body changing because I knew that’s what my Da wanted from me. He had made it very clear he wanted to see what I looked like when I started to “harden” as he constantly put it. I didn’t want to harden. I was afraid the more adult my body got the more he would touch me, the rougher he would be and the more people he would pass me around to.

  
“Either way you’re eating something ok?” Pat smiled opening the latch on the stall door, “Come on we’ll get some food and skip out before the bell rings just you and I ok?”

  
“Wait,” I said smiling pulling him back in and kissing him deeply.

  
“Oh you’re going to start something if you do that again,” He teased me.

  
“Really?” I asked kissing him again hard leaning against the wall.

  
He laughed, “If you want to get out of here we have to go grab some food instead of each other ok?” He said and I nodded smiling.

  
We went and grabbed some easy food, sandwiches and apple slices. Pat also grabbed some brownies and a couple bags of chips and then we headed off to go grab our bags from our lockers however Cole saw us and waved us over to the lunch table.

  
“Planning on feeding an army or are you just really really hungry because you had a good work out?” He smiled and winked.

  
“No neither of the above,” Pat said and then bend over behind Cole and whispered something in his ear.

  
“Ah,” Cole said, “Well, I would ask if I could come but I have a feeling you don’t want a third wheel so I hope you guys have fun I’ll see you at home Pat all right?”

  
“Thanks Cole,” Pat said.

  
“Wait what’s up?” Dom asked looking up from his taco and French fries.

  
“They are playing hooky,” Cole said quietly.

  
“Ah, yeah we had that talk earlier, I think he’s having an off day,” Dom said referring to me.

  
“Wouldn’t you?” I asked.

  
“Well, yes, yes I have an off day just about every day you know that. It’s the thing you’re nervous about though right?” Dom asked.

  
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said.

  
“About what?” Cole asked curious.

  
“Father Barren wants to tutor me, it was supposed to be Monday but it’s probably going to be tomorrow. I feel like I can’t breathe here anymore so skipping out for a bit might be good. Just go someplace else,” I said.

  
“OH shit,” Cole said picking at his fruit cup, “What do you know?” he asked.

  
“I told him what I know but it’s not a lot,” Dom said.

  
“Want to talk to someone who can tell you what’s up?” Cole asked, “You can talk to Kristoff, he’s right over there with Hunter,” Cole gestured to where Hunter was sitting.

  
“I’m not sure I want to know anything else. I think I have an idea aren’t they all more or less after the same thing?” I answered and pulled on Pat’s sleeve, “Come on let’s get out of here.”

  
“Ok,” He said patting me on the shoulder, “We’ll see you guys after school in the park.” He said and we turned and walked off.

  
We made it to the lockers quickly and grabbed our bags. Pat stuffed the food in his bag and we walked to end of the hall where there was an exit to the outside and quickly and quietly slipped through it running past the school fields which we were lucky were empty and ran into the woods past the school. It was a hot day the temperature in the lower 70’s and once we were past the trees we stopped and threw our blazers, vests and ties into my bag and kept walking.

  
“There’s this super cool place,” Pat told me as we walked, “It’s like a bird watching tower over by the lake but it has like a roof and stuff, we can just like chill there for a while until school is out then head to the park.”

  
“Ok,” I said, “I still feel so tired.”

  
“ Well, sometimes you can find like old blankets there and stuff to lay on the floor but we can just use our blazers too, might be cleaner,” He said, “It’s usually pretty quiet Old Fart Freddy goes there sometimes but on a day like this he’ll totally be at the beach on the coast.”

  
“Old fart Freddy, have you seen him around lately?” I smiled remembering that day.

  
“I don’t know since school started back up I haven’t really been to the beach that and it’s been a little chilly so not lately. Once break comes though totally be heading out that way,” He mentioned.

  
We walked hand in hand in silence for a while past the trees until we got to a lake and then there it was. It looked like an old open cabin on stilts with a window opening facing the trees and another by the door overlooking the lake. We climbed a small ladder and threw our bags inside and then climbed in.

  
We settled in and broke the food out. We ate for a while leaning against each other. After our sandwiches were gone we started talking.

  
“Did you see the Faculty yet?” Pat asked me.

  
“No, I don’t get the chance to go places like the movies that often,” I answered, “There’s so many of us and Da doesn’t like us to go places without mum so…”

  
“Yeah I got lucky in that department that Dad allows me to have some freedom. I think he regrets it now however because I’m always gone when I have the choice. I think that’s why he’s moving in with Arty because he knows I’ll listen to Arty because I don’t want to constantly be black and blue. Black and blue might be colors I like to wear but I don’t like them on my skin it’s not a good look for me,” He sighed and I smiled at the joke.

  
“Are your dad and him like… together?” I asked cautiously.

  
“Kind of,” Pat sighed and pulled out a cigarette putting it in his mouth and lighting it. He then flipped his hand so it was facing me and I opened my mouth and he put it to my lips.

  
“Kind of?” I asked.

  
“Like do they fuck? I think so but I think they more enjoy fucking people together,” Pat commented, “But yeah they kind of are together. I think that’s another reason why their moving in together. I heard them arguing over money too. You know Arty funds my Dad’s “playtime” right?” Pat said and I nodded my head, “apparently something is costing a pretty penny so they are moving in together to save money and they already spend all their time off work together anyway so why not? I mean sure I get the snot beat out of me probably more often because let’s face it I’m an asshole but I get to spend a ton of time with Cole now so that’s pretty awesome.”

  
“Apparently I cost a lot of money so maybe it’s me?” I shrugged my shoulders and Pat’s mouth dropped open.

  
“What?” He asked shocked.

  
“My Da told me that people pay a lot of money to spend time with me,” I said quietly examining my hands not able to look at Pat anymore my stomach feeling hallow.

  
“He told you that?” He asked me frowning.

  
“Yeah,” I answered simply.

  
“That’s fucked up. I didn’t know I’m sorry,” Pat said quietly.

  
“He says a lot of stuff like that,” I said and Pat hugged me tightly.

  
“I’m sorry Rabbit,” he said and kissed my forehead.

  
“It’s ok,” I said hugging him back.

  
“It’s not ok, I didn’t know I’m sorry if I had known I never would have said anything about it,” He promised me.

  
“God it’s so fucked up,” I sighed heavily leaning even more against him putting my head on his chest against his under shirt because we had undone our button ups once we got settled into the bird watching stand because it was so hot.

  
“I know,” Pat said, “I realize my Dad is a big asshole to you and I’m sorry.”

  
“It’s not your fault. I don’t know what I did though to get his attention and I wish there was something I could do to change it,” I said shaking my head.

  
“You didn’t do anything. I don’t know I don’t get it. I mean you’re handsome but I don’t see why they all think that gives them permission to do the things they do when you don’t want them to,” Pat said.

  
“My Da says it’s because I belong to him and he gives them permission. That he gave me this body this life and he’ll do what he wants with it,” I answered without looking at Pat. I didn’t want to see the look on his face when I said it. I didn’t want to see how disgusted he was to hear that and I was afraid he would think the same thing of me, that I was my Da’s property meant to be used up and when I couldn’t take it anymore thrown away.

  
“That’s not true. This,” he touched my arm gently and then threaded his fingers though mine, “This is your body. You don’t belong to anyone but you regardless of what he says. This is you, this is your life you have to live it not him he has no right to say who does what to you. You belong only to yourself,” He said.

  
“I belong to you,” I said looking up at him.

  
“Only because you want to. I would never force you. Not ever. If you ever decide you’re done with this, with me I won’t fight to make you stay and I won’t force you to stay. You want to know why? Because you matter more than that. You matter so much I can’t imagine ever doing anything to hurt you and I will try the hardest I can to make sure I don’t. I promise,” he said.

  
I sat up and before I knew it I was sitting in his lap facing him. My hands pulling his button up off his arms as he did the same with mine. We made out hot and heavy our under shirts coming off too. My hands running down his chest and around his back, his hands gently doing the same to me as he tried very carefully to avoid any injuries. We broke our kiss both our chest heaving with heavy breath as we stared at each other. I placed my hands on his belt.

  
“Can I?” I asked him and I waited for his answer before going any further.

  
He bit his lip as if he was thinking carefully about his answer and then he nodded his head, “Only if you want to,” He whispered.

  
I started kissing down the center of his torso light kisses his skin feeling like silk under my lips each kiss sending a little tremble through his body that I could feel against me as I kissed my way down and undid his belt. We shifted slightly so we could pull his khakis down and his underwear. I released him from his pants a small thin nest of fluffy dark brown hair surrounding his intimate parts just barely. He gasped lightly as I touched it.

  
I moved so I could lay down my face in his lap and I took him in my mouth. I heard him moan as one of his hands started messaging my head his skin tasting salty but creamy all at once soft against my tongue even as he started to harden. This was something I had never done of my own accord before without being forced. It was a new experience that made my heart flutter against my ribs like a hummingbird flapping its wings to keep aloft. I worked my mouth up and down making sure to keep my teeth tucked away carefully.

  
“Oh god,” I heard him utter breathlessly above me which made me smile lightly, “Oh Jesus.” He said which caused me to almost laugh but I managed to hold back my laughter as I sucked him to climax. Now that tasted very salty but almost sweet at the same time and when I was done I pulled up and he looked at me smiling, “that was beyond amazing.” He said.

  
I held up my index finger and then stood up and spit his seed out the window and then wiped my hand on the back of my mouth, “you’re welcome.” I answer once I sat back down, leaning up against the wall beside him, smiling lightly.

  
“I have never, and I mean I’ve had a lot of people suck my cock but that was beyond mind blowing,” He said laughing and I laughed lightly too.

  
“You’re not mad I didn’t swallow?” I asked as he passed me a new cigarette the same way he had the one we had smoked before.

  
“Hell no,” He said shaking his head as he lit one for himself, “I hate swallowing so wouldn’t expect you to enjoy it.”

  
“I’ve never done that before, not like that anyway,” I said and I felt the blush breaking out across the bridge of my nose.

  
“ You’ll be my first too, doing that because I want to I mean,” Pat told me, “I mean I’ve given Delia head before but it’s very different to do it to a girl.”

  
“I bet it is,” I said nodding my head.

  
“Have you seen any girls yet that you’re attracted to?” He asked me causally.

  
“Why are you asking aren’t we a thing?” I asked confused.

  
“Well, yes but that doesn’t mean you can’t look,” He told me taking another drag blowing the smoke out slow and long as we watched it curl towards the ceiling.

  
“Yes, one and you won’t believe who,” I said smiling lightly.

  
“Who?” He asked.

  
“Celia,” I said, “Her eyes man, those Hazel eyes with flecks of green and her skin looks like marsh mellow fluff it probably feels like it too once she gets sweaty just sticky and sweet in all the right places,” I commented.

  
“You think in food?” He asked me laughing.

  
“Yeah, I know it’s weird,” I said.

  
“What type of food am I?” He asked.

  
“White chocolate covered pretzels,” I answered and he got a confused look on his face so I elaborated, “Sweet and light yet salty and satisfying in all the right ways.”

  
He laughed. A hearty and happy laugh a real laugh, “Well ok then I’ll have to be sure to tell people that’s what you think of me.”

  
“You wouldn’t!” I said my eyes going wide in shock.

  
“No I wouldn’t,” He promised, “I was joking.”

  
I sighed in relief, “Good you scared me for a second. Then everyone will think I’m like super weird if you tell people I said that.”

  
“Well, you are super weird, otherwise you wouldn’t be with me,” He said musing my hair as he did up his pants.

  
“Do you ever wonder…never mind,” He stopped.

  
“What?” I asked.

  
“Do you ever wonder if it would feel the same, being inside me without the camera pointed at us?” He asked seriously.

  
“Yes,” I answered, “I’m just scared of what that would mean.”

  
“What do you mean?” He asked.

  
“Well you know we’ve talked about it. If any of them found out we were even doing this we’d be risking everything let alone going that far. Do I wonder? Yes of course. Do I want to? I think I do just I don’t want to badly enough that I would risk losing you,” I answered honestly, “You’re more to me then whatever this is, you’re my best friend too. I don’t know I would survive if I didn’t have you to just talk to, to drink with, smoke with just be stupid with.”

  
Pat nodded, “I know what you mean. Outside Cole and Dom and Hunter do you think anyone is aware exactly what’s going on with us?”

  
“Well, I haven’t told Dom how far we’ve gone but Cole knows,” I said.

  
“Of course Cole knows,” He said, “Cole knows everything. If you could take the knowledge of God and put it in a teen boy Cole would be God.”

  
I laughed, “Don’t ever tell him that he’d get such a big head about it.”

  
“Oh tell me about it, he’d make me start bowing to him or some weird shit,” Pat agreed, “But no, he knows everything probably because he’s our 3rd, like the 3 musketeers kind of.”

  
“Yeah. Even though I think Dom rounds off our group pretty nicely,” I commented.

  
“Dom I don’t know about. He’s hard for me to read,” Pat commented.

  
“He’s not really hard to read if you pay attention. He’s just private. Everyone deals differently I know I wear a lot of what I feel on my face. If you’ve ever seen Dom below his shirt he wears it on his skin,” I answered frowning slightly as I thought about it.

  
“What do you mean?” Pat asked.

  
“He has a lot of scars and stuff and I don’t think they are all from your Dad or his dad’s I think some of them look self-inflicted,” I said.

  
Pat was silent for a minute and then he nodded, “I can see that in him yeah, I mean I haven’t seen the scars but I can picture him being into self-injury.”

  
“I scratch myself sometimes,” I said, “Not like bad but it’s like I can feel them on my skin and so I want to scratch the feeling away.”

  
“Yeah I remember,” He said, “That night after they took the camera away and did all those things. When they were done with me I went over to you and your arms looked like you had dug chunks of skin out of yourself on purpose and I bandaged you up remember?”

  
“Barely,” I answered, “I remember your skin on mine and the day after more, your lips on mine your hands…” He leaned forward rubbing my collar bone gently, “Yes,” I said nodding my head smiling, “that, you’re hands there erasing them the feeling of them from my body. Making me feel alive.” I said.

  
“You’re amazing,” He said moving so he was above me sitting in my lap his tongue running along my collar bone tickling me lightly making me giggle his hands on my waist his thumbs gently rubbing my sides careful to avoid my scratches, the marks Uncle Ben had left on me.

  
I leaned my head back against the bare wood wall and sighed deeply. He felt good and there were things I wanted to do that I knew we shouldn’t, that we really couldn’t get caught thinking let alone even doing and I was well aware this was one of them. I closed my eyes and allowed him to kiss my body up and down and then I felt his tongue glide down my chest and my eyes snapped open.

  
“Woah,” I coughed and he immediately stopped.

  
“You ok?” He asked me worriedly.

  
I went to go speak but couldn’t find words so I just nodded my head. It wasn’t that he had really scared me or that it was something I didn’t want but more he had caught me off guard. I was pretty sure I knew where his kisses would have been heading after that or his tongue but I wasn’t sure I was ready for that, that I would be ok with that not with the fact that I had to deal with Father Barren tomorrow more than likely.

  
I ruffled around in my backpack under the clothes we had stuffed in there and pulled out two water bottles and handed one to Pat.

  
“Water?” He asked me?

  
I shook my head and smiled, “smell,” I said uncapping the one in my hands and waving it under his nose.

  
“Ah, so you are always drunk?” He asked me and I shrugged my shoulders and took a drink.

  
“Not really. I need to drink a lot of it to get drunk but I usually have some in my system. My mum wants me to stop but I have to go to rehab for that at this point. My Da wouldn’t let me go if I wanted to, if I begged to go so I could quit.” I said.

  
“Are you going to go to the dance next week end?” He asked me.

  
“What dance?” I asked.

  
“The dance we’re having with St. Bernie’s it’s called the spring fling or flower falling or some stupid fucking girly shit,” He said.

  
“Are you going?” I asked.

  
“I might, Cole wants me to go with him,” Pat said taking a drink.

  
“Why?” I asked.

  
“He might be gay but he loves to make the girls swoon,” Pat said, “Like he can dance. Even though I still swear he dances like a male stripper.”

  
“Yeah I know he can dance is it really like a male stripper though?” I asked.

  
“I keep telling you, you have to see him dance,” Pat commented, “I don’t know why he does it at school dances it always gets him in trouble but he’s usually too high to care.”

  
“Trouble how you mean with like…” Pat cut me off.

  
“Yeah, someone always drags him to a back room and feels him up but he’s usually too high to care like I said,” Pat shook his head.

  
“And you guys think I’m trying to destroy myself?” I coughed.

  
“Hey it’s not my thing I’ve told him it’s stupid and that he needs to stop. I personally would rather take a punch to the gut then that shit so I usually try my best to piss them off not turn them on,” Pat said.

  
“For some of them I think it’s the same thing,” I said.

  
Pat nodded his head, “Probably. For Arty it’s different though. I don’t think the two are related for him because he punches man like you piss him off he will kick you in the ribs until he breaks one if you get him in the mood for it. Sex is different with him, it’s painful but not the same as him being angry with you.”

  
“You do know I’ve been with him right?” I asked Pat.

  
“I thought it was him and Hank together when that happened,” Pat asked me.

  
“Yeah for a while but then Hank went and did something while Arthur … it fucking hurt I was sore for like two weeks,” I said not being able to say what happened.

  
“What do you mean? While he what?” He asked.

  
“It’s like he had sex with me but not with his penis he used his hand,” I said, “I was raw and bleeding when he was done everything was so fucking sore.”

  
“That’s called fisting,” Pat said, “Jesus fuck. Yeah that hurts a lot,” Pat said, “The first time one of them did it to me I had to take a stool softener for like a week because I just couldn’t go it hurt way too much. I was lucky they didn’t rip me. Fisting is bad some guys they rip so bad they lose control of their bowels. It can be really bad.

  
“I was covered in blood and my Da wanted me to go upstairs and walk to my room like that. He wanted all of my brothers and sisters to see what would happen if they ever told anyone about what goes on. My mum didn’t let that happen though.” I said.

  
“Who did you tell?” He asked me.

  
“I didn’t really tell it was an ER doctors a psychologist or something like that. He guessed. I’d gone in there like twice in two weeks. The first time it was for my arm the second time my uncle got pretty rough he made me bleed pretty heavy, fucked up my stomach really bad so I ended up in the hospital. I think the guy knew the first time I went in though. He was there with another doctor and that guy went to grab my arm and I flipped out. I had literally just been raped though so I really wasn’t in the mood to be fucking touched but apparently that was enough to tip him off that there was bad stuff going on. So he guessed and I didn’t deny. My Da had him killed,” I said.

  
“That doesn’t surprise me. He called my Da and Hank in to keep your name out of the bowl too right? That’s what all the stuff that happened was about,” He said and I nodded.

  
“They do that, it cost money though,” Pat said.

  
“Yeah he told me that, that Hank was paying my way out of debt that I was earning back the money he had lost for keeping my name out,” I mentioned, “He says I’m paid off now but, who knows how long that will last?”

  
“What do you mean?” He asked me.

  
“There’s too many of them. He says after seeing the video they email him and write him asking how much I cost,” I scoffed, “That’s how he got in touch with Leo.”

  
“I see,” Pat said.

  
“I’m terrified of them,” I admitted.

  
“I don’t blame you,” He said, “At least you get the privilege of staying away from the Villa for the most part. The Villa is bad.”

 

“What happens there?” I asked.

  
“Well it depends on if someone sponsors your visit. If they do they put you in a room with them and they kind of get a say in what you do with whom instead of your handler. If you don’t have a sponsor then what happens is they draw stones. If you get one of 3 black stones you go in the back room where they do the really kinky stuff like the BDSM type of shit and it’s with whoever paid money to use that room. If you don’t get that they tie you to a table in one of the sitting rooms and whoever wants you forms a line. They make you go until the line is gone or if the line isn’t getting any shorter you get five hours on with a two hour break and then go back to it. After two five/twos then you switch to a two/six two hours on the tables and six hours off so you can have some sleep. Usually they have a doctor there so if you need medical attention because someone decided to be too rough or you just don’t feel good from over exhaustion they can help you with that and sometimes they’ll tell the leader you need a break and they’ll make your handler take you home it all depends but it’s not fun.” Pat summarized for me.

  
“Cole spends a lot of time at the Villa?” I asked.

  
“Weekends,” Pat nodded his head, “Less lately but for some reason they’ve been throwing a lot of 11 under weekends meaning no bottoms over the age of 11. I don’t really ask Cole what they do to him when he’s there because you know. He told me once there’s this one guy I don’t know who though but he pays for Cole a lot and they go to a private room. Cole says that the only reason he’s semi ok with it is because it keeps him out of the back room which is where Arty would want him if he had the chance to put him there. Don’t tell him I told you this but he said the dude has a thing about rimming so that’s a big no no for Cole. He won’t talk about rimming, he won’t do it which makes his sex life interesting because apparently that’s a big sex act for a lot of gay men he really doesn’t like it. He says I know who it is but he doesn’t want to tell me every time I ask him he just says that if I ever am with him I’ll figure it out because apparently he’s not exactly discreet about who his favorite bottoms are.”

  
“Ick,” I made a noise of disgust.

  
“Yeah, Cole might seem like he handles things ok but he really doesn’t. He gets high he basically just goes around fucking any guy that might possibly be gay that won’t force him to do weird shit honestly I think he’s trying to kill himself slowly,” Pat sighed, “It’s because he lost Justin and I know it but I don’t know what to do to stop him.”

  
“He told me about that,” I said.

  
Pat’s eyes widened, “What did he tell you exactly because I’ve tried to get him to open up about that but every time I try to ask him about it he shuts down.”

  
“He said they did horrible things to him while they made him watch as they basically tore Justin limb from limb. They wouldn’t let him go to Justin, talk to or comfort him until he was already dead and then he went over to him and they kind of just left him there to rock his body and sob for hours and when they decided he had spent enough time mourning over Justin they literally ripped him away and did more stuff to him until he was just numb. He says he feels like a piece of him has been gone ever since.” I summed up what Cole had told me.

  
“What horrible things?” Pat asked.

  
“He didn’t go into detail and I won’t ask that. He told me as a warning. He said he’s not sure that if we got caught you would survive and he doesn’t think he could keep going without you in his life even if you’re like brothers and not lovers. He says he can’t imagine life without you and doesn’t want you to die or me to die and leave you here to be only half of what you were before it all happened,” I said.

  
“Well, we both know what we’re risking we just have to be careful is all,” He said.

  
“Yeah but until then Father McClairen is going to keep black mailing me because of that one damn day. I don’t even think he saw us kiss but that doesn’t mean anything,” I said.

  
“You think that he’s going to keep targeting you?” Pat asked me seriously.

  
I nodded my head, “He said last time before we were dragged into Watsons office because you guys knew what he was planning and didn’t want it to happen that if I did it again he would keep his mouth shut and I would have a C if I didn’t then…he’s tell Da who would tell the leader and that would be that and he’d fail me.”

  
“That asshole,” Pat hissed, “Watson made him give us B’s.”

  
“I know that won’t stop him from dropping it again though. I don’t want to have sex with him. Because like he didn’t even no… foreplay no working me up to it just …” I shrugged my shoulders, “I really wish I wasn’t in his class.”

  
“I’m going to ask you something, don’t take this the wrong way,” Pat said looking at me closely, “Father Dunbee has been known to get other guys transferred out because they are handsy. I could tell him, not give him your name but tell him that Father McClairen is harassing you and he will do what he can to get him gone. Will you let me do that?” he asked me.

  
“As long as you don’t give him my name and he doesn’t say yours then yes because I think if McClairen gets wind that we blabbed we’re going to be in serious trouble. Like I’m talking what happened to Justin serious,” I said.

  
“Ok,” Pat nodded and kissed my cheek, “I’ll talk to him after first bell tomorrow. He’s my second hour teacher.”

  
“What grade are you in?” I asked curious.

  
“Same as you pretty much because I missed a lot of school last year,” He sighed, “Cole isn’t but is at the same time he failed history last year so that’s his only grade 8 class the rest of his classes are ninth grade level.”

  
“So that’s why he’s only in my history class and doesn’t share any other classes with me?” I asked.

  
“Yeah I think you and I have the same study hall which doesn’t have anything to do with the grade you’re in they just give you a teacher but you haven’t made it to study hall yet.” Pat smiled.

  
“I know, Wednesdays and Fridays don’t bring me good luck it seems. Yesterday I spent study hall in Finick class room remember?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah,” He nodded his head, “I remember. Dom told me some of it. I figured it’s probably why you missed the bus, why you were so jumpy at the park. Why you almost froze up. Probably why you’re like that today too.” He said.

  
“What do you mean I’m pretty here right now,” I said in response.

  
“Well, there are things you seem comfortable with and there are things where you just… I feel your body language when my hands start to go to certain places or I start kissing you a certain way there’s a change and I’m not saying it’s a bad thing or that it upsets me because it very much doesn’t I swear to you but, I’ve noticed it. That’s all I’m saying.” He said.

  
“You mean when you’re hands or your kisses start to go south?” I asked referring to my belt and anything below it.

  
He nodded, “I have no problem with it and I can respect that I just wanted you to know I’ve noticed how tense it makes you.”

  
“You promise?” I asked.

  
“I promise as many times as you need to hear it, it doesn’t bother me that it makes you uncomfortable and I will never cross that line unless you want me to,” He swore to me.

  
“It’s just you know they…it’s not something I…,” I stammered thinking about it, about how they felt, their hands, their mouths. How much it made me feel bad.

  
“I understand and it’s a personal and very serious decision to make. I want to make you feel good but if that means I don’t ever get to that to you I’m ok with that,” He said hugging me, “I would love to be able to do that but I want you to be sure you’re ready so take your time with it you have every right to tell me no to something ok?” he said kissing my forehead.

  
“Ok,” I said nodding and smiling, “What time is it?” I asked knowing we had been hanging out were we were for a while.

  
Pat sighed and looked at his watch, “It’s almost four. We should start heading back so we can meet the buses unless you would rather just walk home from here,” He said.

  
“Do you think we’d get in trouble because we weren’t in class if we meet the buses?” I asked curious.

  
“Not if the teachers don’t see us and I’m sure we’ll be fine,” He said putting his shirt back on and then putting his undone undershirt over his arms and swinging his back pack onto his back, “Let’s go,” he said.

  
I did the same and climbed down. We walked back holding hands again even though this time it felt like it took less time to get back. At the edge of the fields right past the tree lines we redressed the rest of the way and headed back around trying to be careful that no one saw us as we snuck past the football fields because there was an active class going on. We made it to the exit we had left out of and opened the door and Pat ran straight into a teacher.


	26. 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Pat end up being persented with an offer that is actually not skivy for once in their lives and someone unexpected comes to John's aid for once. Plans are made to hang out with some friends while Da gets ready to leave for his trip to New York.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pages 557-585. I know I'm posting a lot but like I said before I am excited to have you guys see what happens. Warnings: forced kissing, teenagers, underage smoking, underage drinking, homophobia, talk of sexual abuse, talk of rape culture, swearing, teen angst, self-injury, eating disorders

“Gentlemen what on earth are you doing?” He asked us.

  
“Sorry sir, got kind of lost,” Pat commented looking at me.

  
“Lost going where? Where is your hall pass?” He asked looking at us and that’s when I saw his face flicker and I knew we had been caught.

  
“What class are you supposed to be in?” He asked us.

  
“I’m supposed to be in Barren’s and he’s supposed to be in McClairen,” Pat answered slowly, “Please it won’t happen again I saw him in the hallway he was having like a weird panic attack or asthma thing or something so I let him outside really we weren’t gone long.”

  
“So you two are eight graders?” He asked us and we both nodded our heads in response.

  
“I’m father Clayton and I know both your teachers well and they are actually good friends of mine, I should report you but it’s my free hour and I need some help with something so if you come with me to my classroom maybe you can help me take care of it. Follow me.” He said.

  
I shot Pat a worried look and he shrugged his shoulders looking pale. My heart was pounding in my chest my panic nearly uncontrollable. I would rather shoot myself then deal with another pervert.

  
We got into the room and he shut the door and motioned for us to sit down at two desks In the front of the room. He then handed us two giant piles of papers. I glanced at one, a test and then he handed us each another paper an answer key. I sighed with relief.

  
“Grade these for me,” He said, “its simple just follow the key and write down the number they got right on the top over the number of questions I will go through and write the letter grade later. You can do this until 15 minutes after the bell rings. I can drive you home or where ever you are going after.” He said.

  
I didn’t move for a minute realizing how fucking lucky we had just gotten especially if he knew and was good friends with McClairen and Barren. After a few minutes of silence where he graded tests as well he spoke without looking up from his pile.

  
“You boys are brotherhood aren’t you?” He asked.

  
“Yes sir,” Pat said quietly.

  
“I was once myself, please don’t skip again or I will have to tell your teachers and Watson and I know none of you want to deal with Watson,” He said continuing to grade his pile.

  
“Thank you sir,” I answered.

  
“I understand needing a break but next time fake sick don’t step out in the middle of the school day. I know this isn’t the best place for you guys and life isn’t easy but don’t make it harder on yourselves ok?” He said.

  
“They are really not leaving him alone,” Pat said about me, “They are always watching him I’m serious.”

  
“Pat!” I shouted warning him to back off.

  
“Ah,” father Clayton commented, “I see. I can talk to some people about that but I need you to behave yourselves ok? What are your names?” he asked.

  
“I’m Patrick Kingly and he’s John McGregor,” Pat told him our names.

  
Clayton whistled making us both jump, “So you’re the one with the nice assets,” He commented looking up from his desk and glancing at me for just a second and then doing a double take. He stood up and started coming towards us and Pat stood up standing in-between him and my desk.

  
“I’m not going to hurt him,” Clayton said.

  
“You’re damn right you’re not going to touch him at all,” Pat warned.

  
“Woah, ok I grew up in the brotherhood and I know some of us turn but not all of us. I took my money and more or less severed my ties I don’t have any interest in that type of activity that’s why I’m a priest ok? He’s safe I promise,” Clayton said.

  
“That’s pretty hard to believe especially considering what you just said,” Pat told him glaring at him hard.

  
“Listen I grew up with them ok? It’s shop talk you know that’s how it goes. They talk about the boys they are interested in like normal men talk about women they see on the street ok? I have no interest I swear to you. I understand you’re trying to protect him but, I’m really not interested in him that way ok?” Clayton repeated trying to reassure Pat he wasn’t going to hurt me.

  
“Then why did you get up?” He asked him.

  
“To take the papers both of you have already graded for me because it looks like the done piles are getting pretty big,” He commented.

  
“Oh,” Pat said calming down, “Sorry.”

  
“No problem, I should have said something before I moved. I obviously gave you the wrong impression. I remember how it feels to be that on my toes, that jumpy it’s my fault. I’m sorry guys,” He said looking at us both, “Now I’m going to grab the papers from your desk ok Mr. Kingly and then if you still don’t trust me you can hand me the papers on McGregors desk please,” He said and Pat allowed him to grab the papers from his desk and then handed him the papers from mine before he sat back down.

  
“Good friends?” He asked looking at us closely probably watching our body language.

  
“Best friends,” Pat answered.

  
“Things are bad at home?” He asked looking at Pat.

  
“Things are ok for me I guess,” He shrugged his shoulders.

  
“And you?” He asked me.

  
“They are what they are,” I said.

  
“You are that age,” He sighed, “Do you have a mom still?” He asked me.

  
“Yes and eleven siblings,” I answered.

  
“Ouch,” He said, “All younger?”

  
I nodded my head.

  
“Ok I can talk to the McClairen see if I can’t pull in a favor,” He said to me, “Get him to leave you alone a bit because you’re having a hard time at home. Are your grades on the line and that’s it or is there something else?”

  
“Am I really that easy to read?” Pat asked him.

  
“Can I answer you frankly?” Clayton asked and Pat nodded his head, “You can read it in your eyes and most people don’t jump in the middle of a perceived attack that’s not against them like that, that fiercely unless they are related or there is more than just friendship there. You could have said he was like your brother but you chose not to next time you lie about it say he’s like a brother to me all right? So McClairen knows then?” he asked.

  
“I’m not sure how much he knows,” I commented, “Enough I wasn’t willing to risk him saying anything.”

  
“Well, then he knows now,” He said, “I don’t know what I can do for you if that’s the case. Because he’s going to come back for more because that’s what he does. Who else do you have as a teacher?” He asked me.

  
“Dunbee, Barren and Finick and then McClairen and some TA for study hall what’s his name Pat?” I asked because I still hadn’t met the guy.

  
“Luke,” Pat told me.

  
“Dunbee and Luke are straight shooters, Luke is actually a really good kid. The others though that’s a tough line up there kid,” He said and I nodded my head, “And you’ve got the attention of all three of them I’m sure.”

  
“So do you have any information that will help him?” Pat asked still grading papers.

  
“If you stop showering so often it might help. Finick has a thing for clean kids. He also has a thing for white boys with green eyes too and that’s something I don’t think you can change but if you smell a little musky it might help a bit,” Clayton told me, “ Barren I’m not even really sure how he chooses who he goes after so I have no advice to offer you and McClairen you’ve both screwed yourself on that one unless you want to deal with the consequences of this,” he said waving his hand back and forth pointing at us, “Because even if you end this now it’s not going to help you so I would swallow it if I were you, or ok never mind I was going to make a bad joke but I can see from the look on your faces you’re not in the mood,” He said.

  
“Thank you,” Pat said.

  
“What? You asked if I had information I gave you what I have and I’m sorry the kid smells nice ok?” He said shaking his head.

  
“I happen to like the way he smells,” Pat said.

  
“Yeah well so does Finick so if he honestly believes Finick isn’t a problem for him he can shower all he likes I was just giving some advice,” He said.

  
“You’re a very strange teacher,” Pat commented.

  
“Thank you I try my best,” He answered and went back to grading his pile of papers, “I’ll let you know when you can leave. I’ll drive you home or to where ever it is you want to go and then I hope I don’t have to see you trying to sneak back into school again got it?” he asked and we nodded our heads, “Thank you for the help by the way gentlemen.”

  
We sighed as the bell rang but stayed behind and continued to grade. We graded until Clayton cleared his throat and said, “Ok boys thank you, let’s get out of here before we run into some friends of mine,” he said as we stood up.

  
We exited the room and he turned around to lock it after making sure we had all of our stuff and we started down the hallway back towards the exit. I felt sick to my stomach holding my breath as we passed McClairen room but the door didn’t open and he didn’t come out so I was hoping we were home free. We made it out to the parking lot before anyone really paid any attention to us and once we got there I saw father Barren but was hoping he hadn’t seen me.

  
“Mr. McGregor is that you?” He called out from where his car was and I froze.

  
“Oh shit,” I muttered a feeling like cold ice spreading down my body.

  
“Rabbit, you’re ok,” Pat reminded me.

  
“No, no I’m not ok,” I said as Father Barren started coming towards us.

  
“I’ll deal with it,” Father Clayton said walking towards him.

  
We couldn’t hear the conversation but we could see it. At first it seemed pleasant enough but then you could tell from their body language you could tell that father Barren wasn’t happy with how the conversation was going and that father Clayton wasn’t backing down. I figured they were probably fighting about me. Who was going to take me home, what I was doing, where I was going the same thing I felt everyone else was fighting about whenever I wasn’t within ear shot. After a couple of minutes they parted and Father Barren headed back towards his car with Father Clayton heading back towards us.

  
“What was that about?” I asked.

 

“He wanted to drive you home, I told him it was fine, I’m going towards your house anyway. I’m not going to hand you over to some old pervert I promise,” Clayton assured me, “Now let’s go to where ever you guys want me to drop you off.”

  
We told him the park because the park was one of the only places we were guaranteed some space because Pat and Cole’s meant dealing with Hank and Arthur and my house meant dealing with my Da and Uncle so he dropped us at the park and he went on his way. Everyone else was there Hunter, Cole, Dom, Christian and some other guy I didn’t recognize. Delia and Celia were there as well with some blond boy that was around Hunters age and two more girls and everyone was kind of just hanging out on or around the swing sets smoking cigarettes.

  
“There they are!” Cole shouted when he saw us jumping off of his swing like a fifth grader and running up to us hugging Pat, “I thought you guys like died or something Hunter said he saw Clayton run into you in the hallway.”

  
“He did,” Pat commented, “He gave John some advice about how to attract less unwanted attention.”

  
Cole nodded, “speaking of would you like to meet Kristoff?”

  
“Sure, I guess I don’t know how helpful any of it will be but yeah,” I said as we walked back over to the group.

  
“Ok,” Hunter said when we reached the group, “You know Christian, the guy with the brown hair is Kristoff, that guy with the blond hair is Alec, the girls are Ellen and Talya and then I heard you’ve met Celia and Delia. Everyone this is John,” he said and everyone gave me small unenthusiastic waves as greeting.

  
“Hi Kristoff,” I said and he nodded his head and looked at Cole. It was as if they were speaking without words.

  
“So you’re the one who is going to have to deal with Barren soon?” Kristoff asked me.

  
I shrugged my shoulders, “I guess.”

  
“Well, come walk with me,” He said and I shot Pat and weird look and then reluctantly followed this really strange guy as he got up, his shoulders slumped forward as if to try and hide the fact that he was incredibly tall, taller than most other guys as we walked past the tree line.

  
“Ok he’s going to take you to his house. He does have a sex swing but he might not strap you into it. He however enjoys fisting. He also enjoys watching you squirm as a vibrator is in your ass. He’s into a lot of ass play and I honestly don’t know why but it will make you never want to go to the doctors again.” Kristoff told me.

  
“Thanks I’ll remember that,” I sighed.

  
“You look super tired,” He commented.

  
“I am,” I answered, “Like you don’t know what my life is like.”

  
“Try me,” He said.

  
“Well, I was giving a sleeping pill by my uncle last night because he wanted me to relax while he spooned me,” I said and Kristoff made a hissing noise.

  
“What?” I asked.

  
“That was after he…?” He started to ask and I just nodded in response.

  
“So I got like 3 hours of sleep off of a sleeping pill that needs 8 hours. I’m tired, I’m grumpy and I’m stressed. Honestly I don’t know why I didn’t just go home. Wait on second thought I totally do but what am I going do huh?” I shrugged my shoulders.  
“So you’re not always this charming in other words?” He asked me smiling at his own Sarcasm.

  
“More and more often I am. Thank you for telling me what to expect though it helps a little,” I said.

  
“Cole thought you might want to know because it does tend to leave you more prepared than not,” He said.

  
“Yeah, it helps,” I agreed.

  
“So…” He said.

  
“So?” I asked confused.

  
“Who are you dating?”

  
“Is it that obvious I’m with someone?” I asked.

  
“Well, yes and no. I mean they seem awfully attached to you. All three of them but Cole is the only that has confirmed he’s gay I don’t think Dom is gay even though it wouldn’t surprise me and I’ve heard rumors about Pat lately. Honestly I hadn’t heard them until we got here but,” He shrugged his shoulders, “It’s not that weird.”

  
“Pat is as confused as I am,” I said.

  
“So it’s Pat?” He asked.

  
“Yes, we have a thing I’m not sure I would call it dating but it’s something,” I said, “Why?”

  
“Just like you said it’s kind of obvious. Delia was giving you major stink eyes too though and she was with Pat before so we probably should have figured it was him,” Kristoff shrugged his shoulders.

  
“Do you date?” I asked him.

  
“No, not really. I’ve been known to fuck around but not really date. If you are wondering for me it’s about the person not the gender,” He said.

  
“Good for you,” I said as we started walking back, “What about everyone else?”

“You mean Hunter and Christian? If it has a vagina they are intrigued,” He said and I laughed, “However I will admit I feel like we’re all a little in-between gay and straight because man do we joke around.”

  
“I’ve noticed, I think it’s because if we don’t joke then life looks pretty damn bleak,” I said.

  
“Yeah it does, I mean none of it really gives you anything to look forward to. I know I’m not looking forward to my near future. If I could I would run but that gets you killed if they find you just like love does or any other number of stupid little rules they have,” Kristoff said, “There’s rules to everything. There’s rules to life which they like to break so they have their own set of rules in order to keep doing what they do.”

  
“They are fucked up and I don’t see a way out of this for me.” I sighed sadly.

  
“There’s a way out you just have to hold on long enough to see it,” Kristoff commented as we got back to the group.

  
“Man I need to see that movie,” Cole commented as he handed Celia a bottle of my favorite thing to drink.

  
“What movie?” I asked.

  
“The Faculty,” Pat mentioned.

  
“It’s not anything like our school is it?” Dom asked curious.

  
“No not nearly as nightmarish,” Pat said, “I’ve heard it’s about aliens.”

  
“Aliens? Really?” I asked.

  
“Yeah Aliens they like sort of like invasion of the body snatchers type of deal is what I heard we should all go see it,” Pat commented.

  
“I thought you already had?” I asked him.

  
“No that’s why I was asking you if you had earlier,” Pat said blushing slightly.

  
“That’s so cute Pat!” Cole crowed and Delia shot me a dirty look.

  
“Shut up,” Pat muttered.

  
“Well maybe we can go as a group now that Pat’s plan for a date has been blown to shit,” Dom said.

  
“Maybe,” Pat nodded his head, “I have some money stashed away.”

  
“I’m in,” Celia said smiling, “It sounds like it could be a lot of fun we could go this weekend like Saturday or something.”

  
“What about the dance?” Delia asked frowning.

  
“Fuck the dance Dee, I mean honestly,” Celia sighed.

  
Dom sighed, “Count me out then.”

  
“Why?” Ellen asked curious.

  
Dom shrugged his shoulders, “Family stuff.”

  
All of us guys nodded our heads in understanding, “What about we go Friday afternoon?” Ellen asked.

  
“I’m busy,” I said knowing for sure I was probably going to be busy that night.

  
“Well damn,” Celia sighed, “Are you guys ever free on the weekends?” She asked.

  
“Sunday after church maybe,” Pat said.

  
“Maybe,” I agreed since my Da had been sent a letter home saying if we wanted to stay in school we had to start attending Sunday service otherwise he would have to send us somewhere else like public school.

  
“All right,” Kristoff said, “I know I can do Sunday.”

  
“Yeah, I can go on Sunday too,” Hunter said.

  
“I’m not sure I can, unless you don’t mind a ten year old girl coming too,” Christian commented.

  
“What 10 year old girl?” Dom asked curiously wrinkling his nose at the idea.

  
“My little sister, my mom works and my Dad has something else he’s doing that afternoon until late so I’m babysitting,” Christian explained, “If I give her a five she will probably keep her mouth shut about it because it’s not exactly a kid friendly movie.”

  
“I could bring Will and Mike and Matty I’m sure my mum would let me. Heck they could probably go see a different movie,” I said.

  
“Really? That would fucking rock,” Christian said laughing, “that’s like prefect and Will is like what 11?”

  
“Yeah he’s almost 11,” I said.

  
“That’s awesome that’s like the prefect age he can keep a good eye on everyone right?” He asked.

  
“I can watch the kids, Aliens aren’t my thing,” Talya sighed.

  
“Would you really?” Hunter asked Talya.  
“Yes, I will for you guys so you can go and watch weird freaky aliens take over a high school,” She said smiling, “It sounds boring and I like kids.”

  
“Oh Tails that’s no fun!” Celia whined, “Come on you know you want to come with us.”

  
“No really,” Talya insisted, “It doesn’t sound interesting to me at all.”

  
“I’ll go with Talya,” Delia said.

  
“You too!” Celia said a look of disappointment on her face.

  
Delia gave her a look and she rolled her eyes, “Ok fine I’m still going though I really want to see that movie.”

  
“Dude this movie is rated R how are we going to get in anyway?” Ellen asked us and we all looked at each other.

  
“Well, my mum won’t spring for it,” I said.

  
“Cole,” Pat smiled at Cole, “You think you could ask Flynn if he could get us in?”

  
“Sure, I can ask usually he’s too busy sucking face with someone we know to do anything though,” Cole commented.

  
“You guys are so fucking sick,” Delia said and nearly everyone shot her a dirty look.

  
“Dee I think you’re just jealous to be honest,” Hunter hissed, “Because everyone would rather fuck someone else then your skank ass.”

  
“Excuse me?” Delia said, “That’s not what I meant.”

  
“That is exactly what you meant Dee don’t lie,” Pat barked at her.

  
“Excuse me but at least I know what team I play on,” She scoffed, “Honestly.”

  
“Dee,” Hunter said and then paused as if he was thinking carefully, “Sometimes things happen ok that’s just how it is ask Alec he’ll tell you.”

  
“Yeah Dee it’s not always a choice who you…” Alec sighed scratched his head.

  
“So ?doesn’t mean you have to fall for the guy,” Dee said, “I mean I haven’t fallen in love with every guy I’ve been with just one and he stomped on my heart and crushed it so whatever but yeah if you want to pretend that makes everything ok go ahead. This movie thing is a stupid idea only reason why I’m going is so Talia doesn’t have to sit alone with a bunch of kids.” She said stomping off.

  
“Really Dee?” Celia and Alec both called hurrying after her.

  
“So that’s their Alec?” I asked Pat.

  
“Yes, that’s their brother,” He said.

  
“Man you apparently crushed her heart Pat,” Cole commented and Pat smacked him lightly.

  
“Shut up, I did not she just thinks I did,” Pat said, “She’s such a kid like really I mean she’s good in bed but everything else about her is…” he trailed off.

  
“Immature?” Hunter asked.

  
“Exactly,” Pat answered.

  
“She’s just hurt,” Ellen said, “Yeah she’ll get over it but she doesn’t get it right now and she’s right Pat it was kind of a dick move, leaving her like that. You didn’t even really tell her it was over just kind of decided that being with her wasn’t your thing anymore.”

  
“I’m sorry I’m not perfect ok? It’s not like we were dating anyway I can’t date literally none of us can,” He scoffed.

  
“Yeah but you can be exclusive in who you decide to get your freak on with,” Ellen said.

  
Everyone stopped and looked at her with our mouths open and she couldn’t figure out what she had said, “What?” she asked confused.

  
“Ellen dear,” Kristoff said calmly, “Our lives give us very limited choices.” He finished simply.

  
She got this look on her face like she was trying to figure out exactly what he was saying and then her mouth dropped open and her eyes went wide like she was horrified, “Sorry guys I didn’t mean it like that!” She insisted.

  
“Yeah but that’s what you said,” Dom stated, “I’m sure if we could decide to be exclusive we would be.”

  
“No really guys I didn’t mean it like that,” Ellen said again, “I’m sorry ok? That was a horrible thing for me to say I’m sorry.”

  
“It’s all right,” Hunter said even though you could tell he wasn’t sure he felt like it was all right and I could tell Dom didn’t feel it was anywhere close to all right.

  
Dom sighed, “I’m going to go. Can we figure the rest of this out later? Movie Sunday after church is what I got from it.”

  
“Ok, yeah sure I’ll let you know,” Cole said and Dom waved at us as he started walking off towards the trees.

  
“Where is he going?” Talya asked quietly.

  
“Probably just to be somewhere else,” Pat sighed.

  
“Anyone else get the feeling he’s weird?” Ellen asked cautiously.

  
“He’s not weird he’s just private,” I answered defending him. Dom was very closed off to just about everything but he was getting more and more open to me. I didn’t want people to invade his space by talking about him while he wasn’t there to defend himself.

  
“It seems like it’s more than that,” Talya commented.

I sighed, “If you had to deal with what we deal with you would be pretty fucking weird too all right?” I said.

  
“Don’t all of you deal with that though?” Ellen asked and before anyone could get angry, “I’m not asking to be mean or to insinuate anything I’m asking to understand.”

  
Hunter sighed, “It’s like dating someone you don’t want to date. Almost like your parents setting you up to go out with someone you have no interest in. Each experience is horrible but as different as the person sitting across the table from you.”

  
“Why don’t you guys talk about this with us?” Talya asked, “I mean we won’t judge you. Our side doesn’t have it easy exactly. We hear about things, we know it’s happening sometimes it happens to us too just it would be easier to understand if you guys were more willing to talk about it.”

  
We all looked at her but none of us said anything. We knew she wanted to understand we got that she wanted to help us but for whatever reason she wasn’t getting that she couldn’t help. It’s not an easy thing to talk about and yes it happens to girls to we knew that we weren’t stupid but it was different for us, it is different. People look at you like you’re less than a guy once they found out that’s happened to you and to talk about specifics that was something we didn’t even usually do among each other unless it was because someone was giving us a heads up with the person we were going to dealing with.

  
Hunter sighed, “Talya, Ellen we appreciate that you are willing to listen and that you want to help but, there’s not really anything you can do. That and it’s an awkward conversation to have especially with someone who has different parts if you know what I mean? I’ve had relationships with girls before and once they found out that was that “that can’t happen to guys” what was another one I heard “why don’t you just fight them off?” it’s very just no.”

  
Talya nodded her head, “Whoever that girl was she was a stupid bitch ok? Obviously she has no idea what she’s talking about and doesn’t understand the world on a very simple level. Just know if you ever want someone to talk to about it that can give you an outside perceptive I’ll listen and I won’t judge.”

  
“Thanks,” I said, “We appreciate it but, we probably won’t take you up on that offer at least I know I won’t.”

  
“I can understand that,” Talya said, “Just know I’m here.”

  
“Ok,” Pat said, grabbing my hand and squeezing it and then looking at me.

  
Ellen snorted, “Yeah that’s probably a part of why Dee is so pissed all the time.”

  
“What?” Pat asked.

  
“Pat really?” Cole stifled a laugh, “Man the way you look at him even though he’s starting to do it back.”

  
“So I want to make out with him big deal?” Pat said.

  
“That’s not a make out face,” Hunter said, “Man you have it bad.”

  
“I’m sorry ok?” Pat sighed, “Am I not allowed to hang out with him at all?”

  
“Ok Pat,” Hunter said, “When you look at him don’t picture him naked think of your Dad. Hell think of your Dad naked if just thinking about your Dad doesn’t help. Think of anything but what is in front of you.”

  
“Eww,” Pat simply said his face contorting.

  
“There you go! That’s the look you should have on your face when you look at John here all right? Now keep that in your head every time you look at him and you’ll be fine,” Cole said.

  
“Is it really that bad?” He asked everyone and they all nodded.

  
“John who do we need to get you to think about when you look at him to keep that same goofy look off your face?” Hunter asked.

  
“His Dad works for me too,” I said shaking my head.

  
“Ok well there you go,” Cole said now let’s see if it works, “Pat look at John but think “dad” instead.”

  
Pat closed his eyes and then looked at me and for once his eyes weren’t all goofy but he was looking at me with a blank stare. I cracked a smile and could feel myself starting to laugh.

  
“Damn it John think about Hank,” Cole said.

  
I sighed deeply and stopped laughing just hearing the name.

  
“Well, that was easy,” Cole said, “However you look slightly terrified.”

  
“Only slightly?” I asked, “I’m doing better than I usually do then.”

  
“Got anyone that makes you feel less terrified?” Kristoff commented.

  
“Not really nope,” I said.

  
“Fine think about your gym socks,” Hunter said.

  
“My gym socks?” I asked.

  
“Yes,” He replied.

  
“That’s not going to help.” I answered.

  
“Why? Are you scared of your gym socks too?” He asked.

  
“No, but then I’ll just look disgusted,” I answered.

  
Pat laughed, “I think that’s what they want us to look like.”

  
“It works,” Hunter said, “Just for school. And because I’m tired of knowing what Pat’s thinking about when I see him watching you.”

  
“I’m really that obvious?” Pat asked again.

  
“YES!” everyone screamed in unison.

  
“Geeze, sorry I asked,” He said.

  
“Just tone it down before you get into trouble,” Kristoff said.

  
“I’m going to keep working on it,” He answered.

  
“What time is it?” Hunter asked grabbing Pat’s wrist and looking at Pat’s watch, “like 4:30,” he answered.

  
“Well guys I got to bounce,” Hunter said.

  
“I think we should all head home,” Ellen sighed, “I have some stuff I have to take care of and then homework.”

  
“I know I have homework,” I said, “I should get going too for sure.”

  
“I have something to show you first, come on,” Pat said grabbing my hand and dragging me towards the trees.

  
“He wants to make out with you,” Cole said laughing.

  
“Cole shut up!” Pat whined as we kept going towards the forest him turning his hand backwards towards Cole, middle finger in the air.

  
Once we were in the trees he wrapped his arms around my shoulders and looked into my eyes. I could see the look they were talking about but, it made me smile.

  
“What?” He asked me.

  
“I have no idea how you can look at me like that,” I answered reaching up and kissing him.

  
He kissed me back slow at first and then more passionate. After a few minutes we slowed down leaning against a tree, “I should go,” I said.

  
“Why are you such a hurry to get home?” He asked

  
“I just don’t want to take too long because my Da is leaving tonight so we’re supposed to be having some big dinner thing. If I come in late I’ll attract too much attention. So it’s not that I’m in a hurry to get home it’s just that I’m done postponing I guess,” I answered.

  
“You think he’s going to…,” Pat trailed off.

  
“He’ll want to say bye so yeah,” I said swallowing a lump in my throat.

  
“Are you sure you can deal with that?” He asked me.

  
I shook my head, “I don’t think I have a choice do I?”

  
“Rabbit,” He said rubbing my cheek.

  
“If I could I would rather be with you,” I said to him.

  
He smiled lightly “Be with me how?” he whispered in my ear the words tickling my skin in a good way sending a shiver down my spine.

  
“You know how?” I said. And I realized I meant it. I would rather have sex with Pat have him touch me and make me moan and send sparks through my body making my eyes roll without the guilt, without fighting it.

  
“Do I?” He asked me.

  
“Yes,” I answered smiling.

  
“How do you want it?” He asked me.

  
“You know we can’t right?” I asked as he bit my ear lobe playfully.

  
“I know just tell me how you want it,” He said.

  
“Well, I’d want to go down on you,” I said, “And then I’d want to be inside you make you feel good.”

  
“What would you let me do to you?” He asked me and I felt myself blush.

  
“I don’t know the same thing maybe,” I said.

  
“Only maybe?” He asked, “You have a thing about being in control don’t you?”

  
“Yes, I think I do. That was the first time you know? When we…” I told him.

 

“I remember,” He told me, “I remember the look on your face too.”

  
“Yeah?” I asked.

  
“Oh yeah,” He said kissing me deeply as we leaned back against the tree our hands everywhere over the top of our clothes. Like everywhere like I’m talking there was some major groping of certain areas happening it was hot and heavy but we were managing to stay dressed somehow for once and then we heard someone cough and we both stopped dead.

  
“You guys should watch where you do that,” Dom commented from my left.

  
“You scared me,” I said.

  
He shrugged his shoulders, “Quit making out in the woods then.”

  
Pat laughed, “Like you never have.”

  
“I haven’t,” Dom answered.

  
“I thought you would be heading home,” Pat commented.

  
“Not yet,” Dom said, “You can’t blame me it seems the older I get the harder home is.”

  
“No I can’t,” I answered, “I should be home. I should have left a while ago.”

  
“Same reason I’m not in a hurry?” He asked me and I nodded my head.

  
“I’m glad I’ve out grown my dad,” Pat said.

  
“I’m not sure I can outgrow mine,” I admitted.

  
“What do you mean?” Dom asked me.

  
“Stuff he says,” I answered avoiding looking at both of them and then hugging Pat tightly breathing him in because I knew it would help me think of something different.

  
“You’re ok Rabbit,” Pat said embracing me.

  
“I wish I had that,” Dom said.

  
“Had what?” Pat asked.

  
“Someone who cared about me as much as you care about him,” He answered simply.

  
“We care about you that much Dom,” I answered.

  
“It’s not the same,” He said.

  
“Not the same type of love no but, it’s still love and it’s just as strong just different,” I replied.

  
“John’s right, come here,” Pat said letting me go and opening his arms so Dom could hug him.

  
Dom looked at him reluctantly like he was unsure it was ok and then sighed and hugged Pat slowly and Pat hugged him. Dom buried his head into Pat’s shoulder and I heard him starting to cry softly.

  
“It’s ok,” Pat said hugging him tightly, “It’s going to be ok Dom.” He said.

  
I could feel Dom’s pain. Hear it in his sobs. He was like me in so many ways I could tell. How hard it was to just let people know how much it hurt or much they scared you. How you felt sick thinking about yourself and all the things you had to do, how you hated yourself. I touched Dom gently on the shoulder to let him know that I was there and that I understood. We stayed that way for a while the three of us together and then after Dom quieted he pulled away from Pat.

  
“You got a smoke?” He asked Pat and Pat nodded breaking out the pack and handing both Dom and I one passing the lighter around.

  
“So is that what you guys talk about?” He asked us.

  
“What do you mean?” Dom asked.

  
“Your Dad’s,” He clarified.

  
“Sometimes,” I answered, “Sometimes its other stuff just like how they seem to be not normal even for the brotherhood. We talk about you.”

  
“You talk about me?” He asked, “What about me?”

  
“Us,” I shrugged my shoulders.

  
“It’s not anything not P.C,” Dom assured him, “Mostly I told him about Delia.”

  
“You can talk about me,” Pat said taking a puff, “It’s not a big deal I’m sure everyone gossips like that with friends, I used to tell Cole all the shit I did with Delia.”

  
“Where do you think I heard it?” Dom asked.

  
“Yet you never talk about anyone. We don’t even know if you like anyone,” Pat said.

  
“Well,” Dom said, “You know Talya is adopted from Russia too right?”

  
“No,” I answered.

  
“She is,” Dom said, “We talk sometimes. About what we remember, what it might be like to go back. Get away from this.”

  
“So you have a thing for Talya?” Pat asked smiling, “I mean she is beautiful but she doesn’t look that Russian though I thought she was Asian.”

  
“She’s from the East, they look Asian there,” Dom answered, “I remember them coming into town sometimes. A lot of them are native where the people who look more European are from the west usually native from that part.”

  
“I didn’t know that,” I said.

  
“Yeah Mongolian descent, usually lived on the outskirts of town so I don’t remember seeing them that often. Not up until I ended being picked up by the police and moved into Moscow. Then I didn’t see them anymore but I thought that was how it was everywhere for the longest time” He replied, “They weren’t Asian where I grew up and I wasn’t European we were Russian and that’s how I think of Talya. She’s Russian I’m Russian.”

  
“So you have a thing for Talya?” Pat asked him.

  
“Yes a little bit,” He admitted, “If I was allowed to I would ask her on a date but, you guys know how that goes,” He said and we nodded.

  
Pat sighed a looked at his watch, “It’s nearly a quarter after five.”

  
“I got to now for real,” I said and gave Pat and quick kiss on the cheek and hugged Dom lightly, “I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”

  
“Call me later if you need to,” Pat said and Dom scurried to grab a piece of paper and a pen out of his bag.

  
“Hold on a second,” He said writing something down and handing the paper to me, “You can call me too if you need to. Might be nice to just talk about nothing for a while after homework is done.” He said and I had to admit that sounded like a nice idea.

  
“Thanks,” I said heading off past the tree line and down the road towards home. As I got to the house I took a deep breath really hoping that someone was in the kitchen, someone who wouldn’t try to do anything to me, my skin still arm from Pat’s touches. I didn’t want them to take the feeling away which walking in the door almost had enough power to do on its own. I walked up the drive and opened the door.

  
“Hey baby,” My Da said as I opened the door.

  
“Hi,” I said quietly, “Everyone else already in the dining room?”

  
“Yeah, I was just grabbing the butter for your mum,” he said setting the butter dish down on the counter, “Last day until April. I was thinking I’d take you to Tokyo for spring break just you and I what do you think?” he asked me coming towards me and I instinctively backed up until my back was against the wall next to the door that was still open.

  
He came over and shut the back door, “Relax, it’s just a vacation.” He said, “Nothing to be afraid of.”

  
“Who would we be going to see?” I asked knowing that was probably what he was thinking.

  
“Just a few friends,” He mentioned coming close to me as I started to move away, “Baby don’t play I just want to say hello.”

  
“You said hello, I think we should go join everyone else,” I said bravely even though I could feel my skin crawling.

  
“Why do you smell like smoke?” He asked me cornering me at a different spot on the wall sniffing me his hands going to my waist.

  
“Because I was in the park with some friends and they were smoking,” I lied.

  
“Am I going to be able to taste in on your breath?” He asked me and before I could answer he forced his tongue into my mouth making me push at him to get him off me which caused him to grab my wrist hard and squeeze.

  
He broke our kiss, “Yes, I can taste it.” He answered his own question, “I don’t want you smoking it’s a dirty habit it’s bad enough you’re hooked on alcohol pretty soon you’re going to be snorting coke too if you don’t stop it.”

  
“Then quit raping me,” I said before I could stop myself.

  
“Excuse me?” He said staring at me coldly. The look in his eyes are hard and penetrating I felt like he was staring into my soul, “ I can’t rape you, you belong to me, this body,” he said grabbing my penis through my khaki’s, “is mine and I’ll do what I want to it you have no say in that got it?”

  
“Yeah, I got it,” I said quietly and then he let me go.

  
“No more smoking and no more back talking,” He said grabbing the butter, “Let’s go.”

  
I followed behind him into the dining room and when I got there my mum’s face went from a smile to a frown before anyone could say anything. I could feel it written on my face but I couldn’t think of anything to wash it away, give me a different expression.

I felt utterly broken and I knew he wasn’t going to be done.

  
“John come here love,” She said holding out her hands she hugged me tightly and I hugged her back, “You ok?” She whispered in my ear but not quite enough.

  
“He’s fine,” My Da replied before I had a chance to say anything sitting down at the head of the table walking around the other side so he didn’t have to walk past mum and me.

  
“Connor,” My mum said and my Da stopped her from speaking.

  
“Dannielle can we please have a pleasant dinner? I’m leaving early tomorrow morning,” He said, “I just want to spend some time with my family before I leave all right? Before all of my children have to go to bed.”

  
Just then the dining room doors bursts open and in came Uncle Ben, “Hi Johnny,” He said and winked at me.

  
“Ben,” My mum said as a way of greeting him as he sat down.

  
James reached up and tugged on my sleeve from where he was sitting in his booster seat next to mum, “You can sit by me if you want to,” He said.

  
“That’s very sweet of you but John is sitting by Uncle Ben,” Da answered before I could say anything.

  
“I would like to choose my own seat please,” I said.

  
“My choice is your choice now go sit,” he said cutting into his Stake and using his knife to point down the table next to my uncle. I sighed heavily and walked down the table to the end where I sat down next to him on the left edge of the chair so that I could be as far away from him as possible. Taking my fork in my right hand and knife in my left and starting to cut into my own stake.

  
“Sit in the chair like a normal person,” Da said to me and I knew by the look on his face that wasn’t him asking but telling me.

  
I scooted back so I was fully sitting in the chair and then I felt Uncle Ben’s hand brush the outside of my leg making me tense. I felt like I couldn’t breathe and I shot my Da a look to let him know what my Uncle was doing under the table. He just smiled at me. I felt like this was some type of punishment but I didn’t know what for not until I started tuning into the conversation going on around me.

  
“So how was school today everyone?” Da asked all of us.

  
“Good,” Will answered.

  
Mikey smiled, “I’m actually doing really well in art class they had us draw Jesus coming back from the dead and the teacher said she really liked mine. She hung it up in the classroom.”

  
“That’s great, I would love to see that after the holidays are over,” Da answered him.

  
“It’s going ok,” Matty said, “I answered all the questions on my math test right with no help.”

  
Catty smiled, “We colored pictures today. And then they read us stories, sister Martha said I was very well behaved.”

  
“I’m glad to hear it angel,” he said, “You are a really good girl so I would hope she would tell you when you’re doing what you’re supposed to. Keep up the good work.” He said, “John what about you?” He asked.

  
“Fine,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

  
“Really?” He asked, “Because I got a phone call two actually. You’re failing math even though the fact that you didn’t show up today doesn’t help that.”

  
“He wasn’t at school?” My mum asked my Da confused.

  
“That’s what the office told me. They asked me why we didn’t call him in sick and I told them because he wasn’t. I then got a call from father Barren who said he believes it would be a good idea to move your study time with him from Monday to tomorrow and that you should probably do it for the next four weeks or so until your grades start to improve.” He said.

  
I felt my mouth go dry and all of the sudden my body felt numb but I was sick to my stomach, “May I be excused?” I asked trying hard not the throw up.

  
“No you may not,” My Da answered, “You need to go to school I don’t care what problems you are having with bullying or whether this was just because you decided to be lazy but you are not skipping school again you got me?”

  
I nodded my head, “I understand may I be excused?” I asked again.

  
“No, you may not maybe if you want to spend less time at school you should be trying to get your grades up instead of hanging out with your friends in the park,” He said.

  
“I’m sorry ok, I needed a break I’m sorry,” I said when all I could think of were the words “four weeks”.

  
“John love what’s going on?” Mum asked me and I just shook my head.

  
“I could always hire a tutor to help you out I guess, I’m sure Dylan is looking for extra money,” Da mused.

  
“Da no you said I could have a break,” I said before I could stop myself.

  
“That’s before you misbehaved now deal with it,” He answered and it took my mum a minute to understand what was going on.

  
“Connor…,” She started speaking.

  
“Danielle this is between him and me not anyone else,” He hissed.

  
“He’s my son,” Mum hissed.

  
“I’d say he’s more mine then yours,” He said not taking his eyes off of me.

  
“Daddy why do you hate John?” Catty asked Da all of the sudden.

  
“Oh Angel I don’t hate your brother I love your brother more than any of you will ever understand,” He said taking a drink from his glass.

  
“May I be excused?” I asked struggling to swallow back the bile in my throat.

  
“Yes, you may,” My mum said quickly before my Da could answer.

  
I ran to the powder room barley making it to the toilet before I started throwing up. I was just a toy to him. I was just a fucking toy and that was it. I felt like he was right, I was his and that’s all that mattered. I was his to pass around, to fuck to be fucked to use and then to throw away. I didn’t want this life anymore.

  
For some reason I started refiling through the drawers of the powder room looking for something I wasn’t even sure what for until I found it. Something sharp. I found a pair of scissors not dull but not sharp and I pulled up my shirt opening the blades as far as they would go and striking it against my skin there. It stung but only for a second then tiny beads of red started to blossom from the spot first slowly and then faster until the beads gathered together and started dripping down. It was a small cut, not even a cut really just a scratch but watching the blood pull together and drip thanks to gravity gave me a sense of calm, a sense of control. I grabbed and band aid and placed it over the scratch then flushed the toilet and put some cold water on my face. I didn’t want to go back out there. Not with them fighting not with knowing what I knew. Four Fridays. Four Fridays of only god really knew what. And then there were other questions was Da going to be going to bed that night and if so whose? Mine, the guest suite or mums? I knew I didn’t want to say goodbye not the way he was planning on saying it and I didn’t want to go to Tokyo or get tutored by Dylan which I was pretty sure was just code for spend time with Leo who I never wanted to see again.  
After a minute someone knocked on the door, “John?” I heard James say timidly from the other side.

  
“Yeah pal?” I asked him opening the door.

  
“He’s going to hurt you isn’t he?” James asked me.

  
I saw the worry in his face and I felt guilty. It wasn’t something he should have to even think about let alone cause him worry I smiled trying to hide what I was sure was going to happen, “I don’t think so James,” I lied, “I just think he’s mad at me but that doesn’t mean he’s going to hurt me.”

  
“You really think so?” He asked wrinkling his nose creases forming in his little forehead.

  
“Yes, I just think he’s mad I skipped school,” I answered.

  
“Why did you do it then?” He asked me.

  
“I felt like I couldn’t breathe there. I was sad but I’m better now,” I lied some more hoping he would quit asking questions and accept my lies that I was ok.

  
“Why?” He asked me making me sigh.

  
“Because I did, I didn’t feel good I don’t know why but that’s what it felt like so I went somewhere where I thought I could,” I answered.

  
“Oh ok,” He answered, “Are you going to come back now because everyone is just kind of eating silently and I want to hear about cool stuff.”

  
“I don’t have any cool stuff to talk about but, I’m sure we can find something,” I answered as I allowed him to grab my hand and lead me back to the table.

  
“Feeling better?” Ben asked smiling.

  
I nodded my head, “Yeah, sure.” I said and he laughed.

  
“Teenagers huh?” He mused, “Did we have this much attitude?” he asked my Da.

  
“Sometimes I think so. I don’t know Da usually smacked it right out of us though,” He said cutting into his stake as I played with my food.

  
“I still can’t believe you grew up that way,” Mum said, “It explains a lot of your ideas about child rearing though.”

  
“You know I’m working on that,” Da said.

  
“I know I wasn’t bring it up to upset you I was just saying,” She sighed heavily.

  
“Speaking of children when you are two going to have another?” Ben asked.

  
“We’re working on it,” Da commented smiling at mum who returned her own tight lipped smile.

  
“Good to hear. I mean I can’t find a woman of my own to have kids with so I should enjoy spending time with yours while I can before they grow right?” Ben commented and at least three of us flinched as well as mum, “What’d I say?” He asked confused as if he didn’t understand the way what he had said sounded.

  
“I know how you enjoy time with my children Ben and I don’t agree with it and while Connor is gone it won’t be tolerated you will be staying in your apartment far from here you understand me?” My mum said.

  
“Actually he will be staying here because there are things that need to be watched,” Da said.

  
“No he won’t be,” My mum shook her head taking a bite of her food.

  
“He will or John Will and the twins will be spending a lot of time with him at his apartment. Which do you prefer at least here you can watch and monitor what’s going on,” Da mentioned, “Make sure he keeps his hands to himself?”

  
As my Da said that Uncle Ben’s hand found my knee again making me gasp.

  
“You ok?” Mum asked me and I nodded my head in reply not wanting to escalate the fight they were already starting.

  
“Maybe I be excused?” I asked, “For real this time I have homework I have to do.”

  
“You’ve barely eaten a thing,” My mum commented.

  
“He’s fine he should be more worried about his school work,” My Da said smiling at me.

  
“All right then, yes you may go but could you take Seamus upstairs? I’ll be up in a few moments with the others,” She said smiling and I nodded getting up and taking him from his high chair.

  
“Hey little guy,” I said and he cooed at me. He was getting to the age where they became more active and did more than cry and sleep being almost four months old. He had started making baby noises and smiling occasionally.

  
“Here let me say good bye,” Da said getting up and coming towards us putting his hand on my shoulder making me tense, “Bye Seamus,” he said and then bent over and gave him a kiss on the forehead and then gave me this look and allowed me to walk away.

  
I cradled Seamus against my shirt as I walked upstairs and to the elevators pushing the buttons to type in my code and riding silently up as he started to snooze. Once we got upstairs I went into the nursery and made sure he wasn’t wet before I put him down in his crib and shut the door behind me after making sure the baby monitor was on. Mum hadn’t lied just as I was shutting the nursery door she was coming down the hall her little line of loyal followers behind her in a row like ducklings following a mother duck the last in the line Will with Mary in his arms.

  
I made sure I had all the books I needed upstairs and started working on my homework in the living room as everyone else filed in and started working on theirs as well. We did homework for a while I remember working on several math work sheets that didn’t belong to me and doing index cards to help Catty learn her time’s tables.

  
“John love can I talk to you?” Mum asked me a couple minutes before 7:30 which was the time that James and Catty started getting ready for bed.

  
“Yeah mum,” I answered getting up and following her down the hall to my room. I didn’t know what it was she wanted to talk about but whatever it was it was private enough we weren’t talking about it in the hall way or nursery.

  
“I want you to lock your door tonight and put your dresser up against it when you go to sleep,” She told me.

  
“Why?” I asked her.

  
“You know why,” She said.

  
“What about everyone else mum?” I asked her.

  
“I’m having Will and the twins do the same,” She answered, “James is going to be sleeping in the same room as Mikey and Matty just for tonight so he’ll be safe and I’m going to sleep with Catty in her room when I’m ready for bed which will be around midnight. I want you in bed early too because you just seem so tired please take a sleeping pill bed time is 9:30 tonight ok love?” She asked me and nodded my head.

  
“Mum?” I asked remembering what we had talked about in the park.

  
“Yes?” She asked.

  
“Sunday a group of us after service want to go to the movies. I’m not sure what we’re seeing but apparently one of the guys has to watch his little sister so he asked me if I could bring Will, Mikey and Matty along to keep her company so she didn’t feel all alone and bored hanging out with us older kids.” I said.

  
“Who is taking you?” She asked me.

  
“Well Hunter can drive,” I mentioned.

  
“No, absolutely not how old is Hunter?” She asked me.

  
“17,” I answered, “Maybe you could drive us then? Just drop us off of and we’ll meet all of them there.” I suggested.

  
“Who else is going? Anyone I know?” She asked me and I felt like I knew what she was getting out.

  
“Cole and Pat are going and some girls from Saint Bernie’s, my friend Dom is going and then so is Hunter and his friends Christian and Kristoff,” I answered listing everyone I could think of.

  
“So not you and Pat by yourselves?” She asked to make sure.

  
“Mum, we’ve talked about that,” I answered her, “And I wouldn’t be asking to bring my brothers if that was the case.”

  
“Yes, I’m making sure you listened,” She sighed, “What are the girl’s names?”

  
“One is named Talia and then Celia and Delia they are twins that are Pat’s age and then there’s another girls but I can’t remember her name,” I answered.

  
“That’s a lot of boys and very big lack of girls,” She mentioned.

  
“Mum, No one is dating anyone else besides maybe what’s her name I think she’s dating Hunter but otherwise it’s just friends,” I said seriously, “that and we’re bringing kids remember so there wouldn’t be any of that going on anyway.”

  
“Ok, you can go I will drive you though,” She said and then opened the door just as James was about to knock to get our attention.

  
“I brushed my teeth,” he said and smiled showing mum his teeth.

  
“That’s my handsome boy, do you want me to read to you before bed?” She asked him and he nodded his head.

  
“I’m having a sleep over with Mike and Matt tonight right mum?” He asked.

  
“Yes, they’ll be coming to bed shortly after you,” She answered him as they walked down the hall in the opposite direction of myself.

  
I reached into the pocket of my khaki’s remember that I promised I’d give Dom and call just so we could talk about something else before night came so I walked into the kitchen upstairs and dialed the phone and waited for it to ring.

  
It rang twice and then someone picked up, “Hello?” Someone said that sounded like a guy my Da’s age.

  
“Hi, Is Dom there?” I asked.

  
“Can I ask who is calling?” They said back.

  
“John from school, I just wanted to talk,” I said.

  
“Ok hold on,” They said putting their hand over the phone to muffle the sound of their voice as they yelled out into the house and after a moment I heard the phone changing hands.

  
“Hello,” Dom said clearing his throat.

  
“Hey, its John you said to call, that it might be a good distraction,” I said sitting down at the count.

  
“Oh hey, yeah I remember so how it is going?” He asked.

  
I sighed, “My Da found out I skipped some classes. Apparently the school called him.”

  
“Well of course they did,” Dom said, “I could have told you they would do that.”

  
“No I figured they would but I was hoping my mum would get the call not him,” I said, “ Now apparently he’s upset and he’s leaving today so…” I trailed off.

  
“I see,” Dom said, “Did you ask your mum about the movies?”

  
“Yeah, she said it’s cool but she’s not going to let Hunter drive us she’s going to take us there and drop us off and then pick us up after. I think she doesn’t like the thought of someone so new to driving taking us is all. Did you ask your Dads?”  
“Yeah, they seem fine with it for now. I might have to kiss some butt to make sure but right now it’s a yes,” Dom answered.

  
“Cool,” I said, “Do they know what movie we want to see because I didn’t tell my mum because I don’t think she would approve.”

  
Dom didn’t answer for a second, “Your mom has a problem with the prince of Egypt really?” He asked me catching me by surprise and then I caught it.

  
“Ah, well my mum isn’t into Passover type of stuff but I think I can convince her that because it’s godly it will be ok,” I answered.

  
“Ok cool,” He said, “Did you get math homework done?” He asked me.

  
“Oh god I don’t even want to think about Math or anything or anyone to do with it,” I sighed.

  
“That bad huh?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah tutoring four weeks. Not sure if it’s because I got caught skipping or because he believes my grades are that bad,” I said.

  
“Oh that really sucks,” Dom answered.

  
“Tell me about it. I don’t know how I’m going to deal with that,” I said.

  
“Deal with it the same way you deal with all of it,” Dom suggested and I snorted with laughter.

  
“Yeah probably,” I agreed.

  
“You have to tell me if Talya is coming,” I said.

  
“She is I’m pretty sure,” He mentioned and then I heard someone say something, “Hold on just a second,” he said to me and then I heard muffled voices and what sounded like a lot of movement, “ok…..yeah…no don’t…yes ok. Hey John I have to go,” Dom said as I heard heavy breathing into the receiver at the same time.

  
“Good luck, I mean good night,” I said.

  
“Yeah thanks good night to you too,” He said and hung up the phone abruptly.

  
I sat there and let the dial tone sound in my ear for a while thinking about the way the conversation had ended. I knew what was happening on the other side that someone was holding him close against them as they touched him in a way he didn’t want to be touched and said things he didn’t want to hear into his ear. I also noticed he kept the conversation careful and seemed like he was very aware about what he was saying which gave me the impression someone was listening in on his phone call. I sighed and hung up the phone by pressing the end button and then dialed Pat’s number wondering if it was even still active because I knew they were in the process of moving.

  
“Hello?” I heard Pat answer immediately.

  
“Hey,” I said, “It’s me.”

  
“Are you ok?” He asked me.

  
“Not really,” I said honestly pinching the bridge of my nose, “My Da’s leaving in the morning and he found out we might have ditched.”

  
“Hold on,” Pat said and I heard him walking, “Just give me one second I got to put down the phone.”

  
“Ok,” I said confused but heard him put the phone down anyway and then heard a distant “Why the fuck do they have to keep this under everything?” I heard him say and then he got back on the phone “back sorry about that, hold on just a second.”

  
“Are you going to set the phone back down again?” I asked.

  
“No I’m going to my room. I was disconnecting the other,” phone he answered.

  
“Oh so that’s what they have to keep under everything the phone wire?” I asked.

  
“Yes, that would be what that was,” he sighed, “I didn’t know you could hear that.”

  
“Well I did but thank you for that it gave me something else to think about,” I said.

  
“Well you are very welcome,” He said, “So what’s up with your Dad you said he found out?”

  
“Yeah and I think I’m in for it tonight. He said I have four weeks of Fridays with Barren and I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do,” I told him.

  
“Oh no,” Pat said, “I can give you some downers to take when you get to his house if you want they’ll make it so either a, you’re like completely knocked out or b, you’ll be so high and relaxed you won’t give a fuck,” I heard someone yell from the other end of the phone, “YEAH SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Pat responded covering the receiver to try and save my ears a little.

  
“Who are you yelling at?” I asked him.

  
“Arty,” Pat answered, “He told me not to swear.”

  
“So you tell him to shut the fuck up?” I laughed lightly, “Isn’t that going to get the shit kicked out of you?”

  
“Later, yeah,” He said, “At least you won’t be alone in your bruises though.

  
“Giving yourself bruises doesn’t make mine feel any less painful you realize? I mean he might not even give me any to begin with.” I asked him.

  
“I know but think of it as a bonding experience,” He said.

  
“Not that type of bonding experience I want with you,” I said.

  
“Oh really?” He said and I could hear the smirk in his voice, “What type of bonding experience would you prefer?”

  
“Oh you’re so so wrong,” I said laughing.

  
“Only a little,” He answered, “I couldn’t help myself I know I have a dirty mind sorry.”

  
“Nah, its ok I thought it was funny,” I said.

  
“I know I heard you laugh,” He said. “So how is your night going to go?” He asked me.

  
“I have no idea either I’ll be woken up and taken somewhere or someone will climb in bed with me,” I answered, “My mum wants me to block the door with my dresser and take a sleeping pill like that’s going to really help me.”

  
“The sleeping pill might,” Pat said, “You might not remember what happens if you take one.”

  
“Yeah,” I said, “I don’t know if I make life easy for them they won’t try to get to anyone else.”

  
“John you promised you would stop that,” Pat reminded me.

  
“Yeah I know I bet he’s coming for me tonight anyway though.”

  
“What makes you say that?” He asked me.

  
“Well, it’s some stuff he said when I got home, a lot of different things. We were at dinner and Catty asked why he hated me and he replied that he loves me in a way no one will ever understand.”

  
“Barf,” Pat replied.

  
“Oh yeah,” I said.

  
“I’m so glad I’m past the age they like,” Pat said after a minute, “You said you were afraid you wouldn’t outgrow him what did you mean?” He asked me suddenly.

  
“Just stuff he says,” I said shaking my head even though I knew Pat couldn’t see me.

  
“What type of stuff?” He asked me.

  
“How he can’t wait to see what I look like once I’m mature how…,” I found myself feeling sick to my stomach just thinking about it about what he had told me that one night and I wondered how I ever managed to say it to my mum especially in front of Vic.

  
“How what?” Pat said quietly.

  
“Mum’s work and I’m play,” I managed to get out.

  
“Ouch,” Pat said.

  
“He wants me to go to Tokyo on spring break with him,” I sighed.

  
“No, don’t go,” He told me.

  
“I don’t want to,” I answered, “Why would I want to go anywhere with him?”

  
“You don’t I’m just saying don’t go,” He said, “Tell your mum everything she doesn’t know see if that helps but don’t let him take you. I had a friend once his Dad took him out of the country he never came back. Someone started a rumor that’s he’s in some brothel in like Thailand but I doubt it.”

  
“Good to know,” I said, “My mum told I have an early bed time, what time is it?” I asked.

  
“Like almost 8:30,” Pat answered.

  
“Ok, I have like an hour to kill I should probably finish my homework I have a little bit of science left,” I said.

  
“What is it?” Pat asked.

  
“Reading in the book from page fuck you to page I don’t give a shit,” I answered.

  
“Ah those are good pages, very informational read up rabbit,” He said and I could hear the amusement in his voice.

  
“Yeah, I’ll do that,” I responded, “You want to hear something funny?”

  
“Sure what?” He asked me.

  
“Well, I told my mum about the movie and then she asked me who was going and then when I told her she asked me what the names were of all the people and then she goes “it’s not just going to be you and Pat by yourselves right?” It was like stupid why on earth would I say I wanted Will and Mike and Matt to come if it was just going to be me and you?”

“Maybe she’s worried about recruitment,” Pat said.

  
“Recruitment?” I asked.

  
“You’ve never heard that joke?” Pat asked me.

  
“What joke?” I asked confused.

  
“Ok let me see if I can remember this, It’s gay pride and all of the kids and families are walking around having a good time and there’s this blond there and she’s looking around all confused and she goes I don’t get it if this day is about gays then why are there so many little kids here? And a gay guy overs her question so he turns to her and says we’re recruiting we start them young.” Pat said.

  
“That is a horrible joke!” I said but I couldn’t help but laugh lightly.

  
“I know but maybe your mom thinks the gay come after them young,” He said.

  
“Nope, that would be the brotherhood not the gays,” I said and Pat got quiet on the other side and after a minute I heard him sigh.

  
“Yeah,” He said, “We’re not really gay anyway.”

  
“I know,” I said, “We’re us.”

  
“So you agree with me on that?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah, I mean I know how I feel about you but I don’t think I’ll feel that way about any other guy like ever,” I answered.

  
“That’s how I feel about it too,” He said, “You should go do your homework now before I get punched in the face for taking too long on the phone.”

  
“Would he really do that?” I asked him.

  
“Arty?” Pat asked me, “He might.”

  
“That’s horrible,” I said.

  
“Its life,” Pat sighed, “I’ll see you tomorrow Rabbit, night,” He said.

  
“Night,” I said and hung up the phone.

  
I went to the living room and sat down next to Will. He sighed and looked up at me and then shook his head. I opened my book, “What?” I asked him.

  
“You were on the phone for a long time,” He commented.

  
“I was talking to my friends,” I said.

  
“You know Da probably listens to your phone calls right?” He asked me.

  
“I realize I didn’t say anything he didn’t kno…,” I stopped thinking about my conversation with Pat, “Shit.”

  
“Said something you shouldn’t have?” Will asked me smiling.

  
“That’s not fucking funny Will,” I said.

  
“Ah, so you did,” Will said.

  
“Dude some of the stuff I said could cost me my life or Pat his seriously it’s not funny,” I said and Will’s face fell.

  
“You’re kidding,” I said.

  
“I wish,” I answered.

  
“Did you hear any clicking or anything like that? Anything that sounded like someone might have picked up or was recording or anything like that?” Will asked me.

  
“I don’t think so,” I said.

  
“You’re probably safe then,” Will said sighing and slamming his book shut, “Well I have to get ready for bed and then apparently barricade my door so good night.” He said.

  
“Night, what time is it?” I asked him.

  
“Nine you should get ready too,” He added.

  
“Yeah probably,” I said, “Where’s mum?”

  
“She already went downstairs she said to tell you goodnight because she saw that you were on the phone and didn’t want to interrupt you. Little did she know you were talking to your boyfriend?”

  
“He’s not my boyfriend he’s, my friend,” I said.

  
“Yeah, keep telling yourselves that,” Will said, “Anyway goodnight.”

  
“Night,” I said closing my own books and getting up.

  
He was right I should be getting ready for bed because who knew how long it was going to take to move that damn dresser with mum already downstairs. I sighed and got up heading to my room and took a quick shower. I got dressed and then locked my bedroom door and pushed and pulled on my dresser but couldn’t get it to budge at all.

  
“Well, fuck it,” I said to myself and then stood there thinking about whether I should leave the door locked or unlock it again and which one was more or less likely to piss Da off. I decided to unlock it and drink myself to sleep turning off the light and rolling over hoping that he wouldn’t come to me that night but knowing he probably would.


	27. 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day starts out horrible and feels like it can't get any worse until John realizes he finally has to face Father Barren and his tutoring session after a long day at school. Dom and John run into some trouble durring the school day where Dom opens up to John about some of his own suffering. When John makes it home he finds Pat there and seeks comfort.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 586 to 630. This means you have 179 pages left and then you'll be done with part one. Exciting right? Poor John it seems like things never go his way. However very soon he's going to end up going to the movies with his friends so that's something exciting to look forward to. If you see any spelling mistakes please let me know. I enjoy comments even if it's just like a "why haven't you beheaded Hank?" or something else equally amusing. Let me know what you think. Warnings: RAPE/NON-Con, underage smoking, underage kissing, underage drinking, underage making out, sexual abuse, priest abuse, bullying, homophobia

Sure enough after a while before I was even fully asleep I heard my door open. I rolled over pretending to be asleep because I really was hoping I was dreaming but then I felt him touch my cheek and uncover me.

  
“Ppshh, Baby,” He said his hand going to the draw string of my pants, “Come on wake up I want to say good bye just for now.”

  
“Da,” I said opening my eyes his fingers making my skin tingle and feel cold.

  
“You want to go downstairs? We’ll go to the guest suite lay in a nice big bed,” He whispered kissing my cheek right beside my mouth.

  
“Da please I d…,” I said but he cut me off.

  
“I didn’t ask you what you wanted, you belong to me remember?” He said, “Just let me show you how much I love you.”

  
“Where’s mum?” I asked.

  
“I slipped something in her night tea,” He said grabbing the hem of my shirt, “She’s sleeping let’s just have some fun. Unless of course you don’t want to then I can go find someone else or I can take you downstairs and have your uncle join us. I wouldn’t mind doing doubles. Your choice for once maybe.”

  
“What do I have to do?” I asked him.

  
“I just want to play baby that’s all,” He said.

  
“No like what do I have to do?” I asked him again.

  
“Just lay back and make those amazing sounds you make,” He said.

  
I could feel the tears that wanted out. I didn’t want him to do that to me because I knew that’s what he was talking about. He looked at me closely and he knew I was frozen because I knew I didn’t really have a choice.

  
“Don’t worry baby,” He said before he forced his tongue past my lips and started kissing me roughly his hands going up my shirt and rubbing my chest and then he pulled away and stopped, “What’s this?” He asked touching the band aid under my shirt.

  
“I don’t know,” I said, “I ran into something and I found a scratch so I put a Band-Aid on it.”

  
He motioned for me to sit up so I did and he pulled my shirt over my head and looked at me, “Nice.” I heard him whisper more to himself then to me, “You didn’t do that to yourself on purpose did you?” He asked me.

  
“No,” I lied.

  
“Promise,” He asked me.

  
“I promise,” I answered one of his hands rubbing my stomach above my belly button making me jump slightly.

  
“It’s all right,” He said, “God I wonder what you’re going to look like when I come back.”

  
“What do you mean?” I asked him.

  
“This right here,” He said his hand touching the same spot, “It’s toning up you’re getting abs. Are you working out? If not then it’s just your body naturally maturing maybe by the time I come back you’ll have some hair too.”

  
“What does that mean?” I asked afraid to know the answer.

  
“Just different group will be interested is all. Some of these guy are like your uncle though they like to play rough. I think you can handle it though. Hank might still be into you though him and his redhead fetish.” He said kissing my neck his lips brushing against one of the bruises there making me gasp, “God you’re beautiful.” He whispered into my skin.

  
“Da,” I said my skin crawling.

  
“Just relax,” He said undoing the draw string on my pants and pulling on them so they expanded to easily slide down.

  
“Da please,” I begged as his kisses traveled down my neck and slide into my collar bone starting to travel down my chest his hand reaching into the hole in the front of my boxer briefs, “Ok,” I squeaked.

  
His fingers tickled me and I felt dizzy and sick to my stomach as his kisses kept moving over my body down towards my crotch and I didn’t know how to respond. I wanted him to stop I didn’t want this. I closed my eyes tight as his hands explored my body making me feel like I couldn’t breathe.

  
“I can’t breathe,” I whispered right before he took me in his mouth making my eyes go wide and my mouth open. My breathing got heavy his hands against my hips making the scratches my uncle had left from the night before burn lightly, “Oh.” I muttered before I could stop myself as my body started to react the way he wanted it to.

  
“Da,” I said shakily as I started to climax because I wanted him to stop but he didn’t take it that way and started licking, “OK,OK” I said loudly again in the hope he would stop but he didn’t he kept going, “Please, Da please,” I begged grabbing the hair on the back of his head hard pulling it trying to get him to knocked it off and that time he got the messaged because his head snapped upwards as he grabbed my hand hard by the knuckles.

  
“That hurt,” He said squeezing my hand to the point where my knuckles cracked and I was sure if he squeezed any harder he was going to seriously hurt my hand.

  
“Sorry,” I said shaking my head.

  
“Why did you do that?” He asked putting even more pressure in-between my fingers.

  
“I wanted you to stop,” I answered honestly.

  
“Why I know it was feeling good I’m not stupid,” He hissed, “You said you would or I said we would go downstairs and your uncle and I will ride your ass until it’s raw you still don’t want me to? Would you rather do that?”

  
I thought about it seriously. Could I deal with whatever Barren was going to do tomorrow and my Da and uncle doing that tonight or was being blown and maybe having a little bit of normal anal sex something I could handle despite what he whispered to me while he did it. I stopped and thought about it seriously, “Ok.” I said nodding my head.

  
“Ok what?” He asked me his hand going back to my penis rubbing me.

  
“Stay here,” I said and his head immediately went back to my crotch, “Shit.” I said grabbing the pillow by my head so I had something to hold onto to transfer some of the energy somewhere. My breath started coming heavy again and I felt like I was going to be getting loud shortly if he didn’t stop so I put the pillow over my head and bit into it gasping trying to keep myself as quiet as possible but he stopped his head coming up for air and took the pillow away from me throwing it on the ground.  
“Your mum is drugged up you can scream as loud as you want it doesn’t matter if they hear,” He said before he went back down and licked my tip.

  
“Shit,” I said rather loudly which only seemed to excite him more, “OH!” I said as I started to climax and I came in his mouth which he gladly swallowed. He then got up and walked into my bathroom and I knew he was going to be getting the Vaseline so he could enter me. I got up and was about ready to leave when he came out of the bathroom naked the Vaseline already on his dick and hands.

  
“No, lay down,” He said.

  
“Please Da, please I’m begging you no more,” I said and I knew I was crying.

  
“I just want to love you,” He said coming towards me which made me get back on the bed, “Just relax it will hurt less.” He said as he positioned himself between my legs sliding a finger into me I thought it was just to lube me up but then he moved it a certain way and it rubbed against my prostate.

  
“Shit.” I said loudly trying to push him off of me.

  
“No, no, just let it happen,” He said adding a finger and then just as quickly taking them out and moving to put his penis inside me.

  
“Da,” I said pushing at him trying to push him off of me, push him away like I had my uncle the night before, “Stop.”

  
“Shhh baby, just let it happen it will feel good trust me,” he said using more of his body weight to pin me down so that he could slide inside. It didn’t matter how hard I fought he was too strong, “I don’t want to hurt you stop fighting.” He said as he made his way inside that zap of pain hitting me making me freeze.

  
“You’re lucky I’m in a nice mood,” He said to me as he waited for my body to adjust to his, “Otherwise I would really make you feel this right now I don’t mean in a good way. Your uncle is right you are getting too much attitude.” He breathed into my neck as he made his first movement.

  
“OH!” I nearly screamed as he kept going my muscles stiffening against him as his tongue explored my neck and shoulders sometimes kissing me on the lips as he held my hips guiding himself in and out, “Please,” I begged as he started to pick up his speed and I felt my and I squeezed my toes together.

  
“God yes, I’m going to miss this so much while I’m gone,” He said hitting against me harder his balls making a smacking sound as they hit my ass, “FUCK!” he shouted as he came collapsing on top of me moving once he had caught his breath.  
“Are you done?” I asked him once I had caught my own breath.

  
“Don’t be like that,” He said kissing my neck heavily pushing me back into the bed making me bite my lip to keep from screaming out, “I know you enjoy it he said his hand reaching in-between my legs brushing against me sending another jolt through my body that felt so raw and used already.

  
I swallowed trying to stay calm waiting to see what he was going to do if he was finished or if he was planning to go down on me again but after a minute he stopped and got up, “I’ll be nice and respect your wishes but only because I don’t want to leave on bad terms and when you come back I’m hoping you’ll be more accommodating.”

  
I waited until he had left and the door was closed before I got up on unsteady feet and made it to the bathroom. I bent over to turn on the shower adjusting the water to go as hot as I could stand it and then I felt a hand on my back that made me jump about ten feet in the air and realized it was one of my siblings.

  
I turned and Will was looking at me a worried look on his face as I saw another worried face peeking around the corner of the door frame belonging to James. I turned the knob forcing the water out of the shower head and looked at both of them who were watching me cautiously like they didn’t know what to do like I was some wild stranger that had stumbled into their bathroom and not the other way around.

  
“What?” I asked shaking my head.

  
“John,” Will said and I could see the tears in his eyes.

  
“Don’t will,” I said shaking my head harder because I knew what he was going to say, what he had to tell me.

  
“I can’t ignore that, I’m surprised no one else is out here checking to see if you’re ok,” He answered me.

  
“Are you kidding me?!” I asked him, “I just…,” I trailed off because I didn’t want to use the word fuck in front of James, “had sex with my Da our Da so I am going to take a shower now after that I am going to try and get some sleep so I can have sex with my math teacher tomorrow after school and probably get groped by another teacher at some point so if you don’t mind…”

  
“You said stop,” He said, “That’s called rape you didn’t consent to that so call it what it is.”

  
“I’m lucky he didn’t choke me out or hurt me for that,” I hissed not wanting to think about it, “Just leave me alone will ok take James to bed.”

  
“I’m not sure that’s such a good idea, leaving you alone,” He said.

  
“Just go!” I begged him, “Please just go.”

  
“You’re not going to hurt yourself?” He asked me.

  
“No I’m not going to kill myself ok? I’m going to shower,” I said.

  
“Ok, I’ll take him back to bed but after I have him back in bed I’m coming back in here all right?” He said.

  
“Fine whatever, take him. Go, now,” I said waving my hand at the door as I stepped into the shower shutting the curtain. I heard the door close a minute later and I finally felt like I might be ok as I started scratching at my arms without realizing what I was doing. I felt dirty. Like I would never be clean again knowing what I had just done what I felt like I could never undo and what I had to do tomorrow.

  
After I was done showering I took my sleeping bag down from the top of my closet and slept in there that night. Being rich gives you some perks and having a walk in closet large enough to be a small bedroom can be one of them. I laid in there not really sleeping but not really awake until my alarm went off that morning shortly after I knew Da was gone and got dressed and ready for school. Before I could head downstairs my mum stopped in coming into my room and closing the door.

  
“He drugged me,” She said.

  
“I know. He told me,” I replied, “Don’t worry about it.”

  
“Don’t worry about it?” She scoffed at me, “Will told me what he heard, what everyone heard I’m pretty sure.”

  
I felt my blood run cold, “Mum leave it alone it’s over with he’s gone and he’s gone for a while so hopefully I’ll get a break ok?” I said and I could feel that I wanted to cry. I wanted to cut my skin off still I wanted to bleed to watch those little beads of life slide out of me and feel like the bad stuff was oozing from my skin and away from my being with it. I wasn’t ok and I wouldn’t let it go but that didn’t mean I wanted to talk about it.

  
“John,” My mum said, “How do I explain this to your brothers and sisters?”

  
I laughed harshly. So that’s why she cared? Because of what they had heard how it would confuse them, make them feel. Oh fuck you mum, “Tell them what it is, what happened that Da fucks me or better yet you can wait and let me tell them save you the trouble,” I scoffed grabbing my book bag and throwing it over my shoulder pushing past her harshly out of the room my water bottle full of vodka in my hand which I took a deep drink of.

  
I heard her trying to still talk as I walked away and stepped into the elevator but I wasn’t in the mood to hear it. I wasn’t in the mood to hear her “I’m sorry’s” and “You matter’s” I was sick of it, sick of everything. So I went out to wait for the bus that would take me to the next part of my shit life for the day.

  
The bus pulled up and I sat down next to Dom.

  
“You look tired,” Dom said and I looked at him closely and snorted.

  
“You don’t look your best either man,” I said.

  
“Fair enough,” Dom commented, “Can I have a drink of that?” He asked pointing at my water bottle.

  
“Sure, yeah I’ll share,” I said and he took a drink his eyes lighting up in surprise as he swallowed.

  
“You bring these to school?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah, I need to otherwise I get a fucking killer headache,” I answered and he nodded his head.

  
“So you’re Dad left last night?” He asked me.

  
“The morning,” I corrected.

  
“Ah, how did that go?” He asked me.

  
“How do you think it went?” I asked him and he just gave me this knowing look in silence.

  
“Bring what to school?” Dick asked turning around and looking at us.

  
“Nothing,” Dom said.

  
“What the hell are you guys talking about?” Dick said, “Sounds like you and your dad exchanged some blows or some shit.”

  
I saw a smile playing on Dom’s face at the pun Dick had unknowingly made and I stepped on Dom’s foot.

  
“Ouch!” Dom hissed at me.

  
“Clumsy fag,” Dick said laughing and Dom gave me a look shaking his head.

  
“We’re not gay,” Dom said.

  
“Could have fooled me,” He said, “I have a question. What on earth is it like to fuck someone who looks like you?”

  
“Dude that’s so gross I think I’m going to barf,” Dom said, “And again we’re not gay. Why don’t you go find someone who looks like you and then tell us. That and we don’t look alike.”

  
“You both have red hair,” He mentioned.

  
“My hair is Auburn if you want to be specific,” Dom corrected him.

  
“Red, Auburn same difference,” Dick spat.

  
“No, my hair is darker than his look,” Dom said gesturing at us.

  
“Dom he doesn’t care he’s just goading you let it go I’m not in the mood,” I said.

  
“Yeah Dominic listen to your boyfriend,” Dick said smiling.

  
I didn’t have to see Dom’s face to know that had hit a nerve and knowing it was something that bothered him made me feel very defensive and before I could stop myself I had Dick by the shirt collar, “Shut the fuck up and listen to me very carefully before I fucking break out a can of whip ass all right? Don’t you EVER call him Dominic you got it?” I said and let go of Dick’s shirt when I realized the whole bus was watching us.

  
“I’m just messing with you geeze,” Dick hissed, “Ass hole.”

  
“NO SWEARING!” The bus driver warned us, “IF I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU THREE AGAIN ABOUT THE LANGUAGE YOU USE I’M GOING TO BE HAVING A TALK WITH HEAD MASTER WASTON.”

  
“Sorry sir,” I said sitting back in my seat again.

  
We got to the school and we went to go hurry off the bus with everyone else but when we got close the front the bus driver barked at us “You three sit down and wait.” So we all sat in the first two seats and waited for the bus to empty.

  
“Now, this is how it’s going to go because you seem to be the one antagonizing these two,” He pointed at Dick, “You need to sit at least three seats away if that doesn’t work you’re going to be sitting up front with me. You two don’t engage him he shoots you a look don’t look at him, don’t speak to him don’t even breath the same air as him if you can help yourselves if you didn’t respond he wouldn’t keep doing it. By the way I don’t care who is what but all of this fag and commie nonsense has to stop you go to a catholic school for god sakes it’s bad enough everyone calls everything gay don’t call each other names. The swearing again that’s on you kid what’s your name?” He asked pointing at me.

  
“John sir,” I answered.

  
“John you have a mouth on you. It’s worse than some sailors I’ve heard and I used to serve in the navy so tone it down have your parents get you some therapy something because lord help us if everyone talks like you and you’re talking like this and your all of what 12?” He said.

  
“13,” I corrected.

  
“12, 13. Doesn’t matter show respect and don’t speak that way,” He said and I nodded my head, “Remember this or I will be talking to the headmaster. You can go.” He dismissed us and Dom and I hopped off the bus going towards the bushes where our group was hanging out.

  
“Hey,” Pat said looking at us, “What’s wrong?” He asked.

  
“We got yelled at by the bus driver,” Dom said.

  
“It was Dick wasn’t it?” Cole asked.

  
“That it was,” Dom said, “John wasn’t taking any shit the morning,” He said taking his cigg from Pat and lighting it.

  
“He wasn’t?” Pat asked looking at me carefully.

  
I shrugged my shoulders, “I’m tired of everything. Maybe just one too many people pressing my buttons,” I said.

  
“Want to talk about it?” Pat asked me.

  
“Not really I just want to forget about it, all of it,” I said and just then someone stumbled falling into one of the bushes outside our little clearing and I heard a familiar shout.

  
“Shit.”

  
“Will what the fuck?” I asked putting my lit cigg behind my back.

  
“I know you guys smoke back here I’m not an idiot,” He said, “Can we talk about what happened?”

  
“What happened?” Hunter asked raising an eyebrow.

  
“Nothing Hunter this is my little brother Will,” I mentioned.

  
“Hey Will, so what happened last night?” Hunter asked.

  
“Nothing,” I said again giving Will a look that meant keep your mouth shut.

  
Dom sighed, “Will come here let me tell you something,” He said motioning for Will to follow him deep into the bushes to the side of the clearing where Pat and I usually talked.

  
I have no idea what Dom told him but when Will and Dom came back will seemed less eager to talk to me even though he didn’t leave. He stood around watching us talk.

  
“So,” Hunter said after noticing that Will wasn’t leaving, “Want a smoke.”

  
“He doesn’t smoke,” I answered before Will could say anything.

  
“How old is he?” He asked me.

  
“I’m almost 11,” Will answered him.

  
“And what grade are you in?” He asked curiously.

  
“6th,” Will answered.

  
“Crap you’re 10 and in 6th grade are you like super smart?” He asked.

  
Will shrugged, “I read a lot and I guess that means I know a lot of stuff so they skipped me. They keep trying to convince my mum that I should skip another grade but people already hate me so I don’t imagine skipping again is going to help.”

  
“Why aren’t you in the super smart school?” Christian asked speaking for the first time that morning.

  
“This is the brotherhood school so this is the school I go to,” He said.

  
Christians face dropped, “That’s sick.”

  
“What?” Will asked.

  
“They already branded you?” He asked.

  
Will nodded his head, “Is that like really young or something?” He asked.

  
“Kind of,” Hunter answered, “The youngest I’ve heard of is eight but the oldest was like 14 so I suppose it’s normal for your age.”

  
“So do you want to tell us what happened last night?” Christian asked, “Because honestly I’m curious.”

  
Will looked at Dom and then me, “I don’t think it matters now.” He answered carefully.

  
“Whatever man,” Hunter said.

  
“Hey can I talk to you?” Pat asked looking at me.

  
“Yeah sure,” I said going over to the spot where Will and Dom had been talking.

  
“What happened last night?” He asked me quietly.

  
“I couldn’t…stay quiet like I needed to and my Da didn’t care enough to try and keep me quiet so…” I trailed off feeling sick to my stomach.

  
“Where were you when this happened?” He asked and I could see him thinking about the blue prints of my house.

  
“My bedroom,” I swallowed.

  
“So everyone…” I cut him off.

  
“Heard, yeah,” I said, “You want to hear the sick part when my mum finally woke up after being drugged she asked me how she was going to explain it to everyone.”

  
“Rabbit, I’m so sorry,” Pat said hugging me and I hugged him back.

  
“That’s not even the worst part after school I have to deal with Father Barren and who really knows what he’s going to do to me? I mean what if he films it? What if he decides he wants to let someone else do it too and I have no choice zip, zero say in what happens if I want to pass math,” I said and I finally started crying in a way that let me know I had been holding all the tension inside for a while.

  
“Oh Rabbit,” Pat said as we slide to the ground him no longer being able to support my weight, “Oh Rabbit. It’s ok I’m right here, it’s ok,” He said rubbing my shoulders and back as he held me in his lap.

  
We weren’t that far away and I knew they could hear me crying the other guys but I didn’t care I couldn’t keep it in anymore I couldn’t push it down I felt like my head was exploding and there was no way I could possible keep it all inside anymore. He rocked me back and forth as I cried into his shoulder holding him tightly hoping that when he let me go things would be different none of it would be real and my whole life everything but him and me would all have just been so horrible nightmare but I knew that wouldn’t happen. That when I let go I would still have to face Father Barren and probably my Uncle and who knew who or what else once the bell rang.

  
I was surprised none of them came over especially Will but they didn’t. They let Pat hug me as I cried and he rocked me back and forth giving me the only comfort he could occasionally kissing my hair and whispering to me that it was going to be ok even though we both knew it wasn’t. That I was very far from ok and had been for a very long time. I didn’t want to let go of him I didn’t want the bell to ever ring because I knew what it meant and I think everyone else knew too because when it did finally ring and we sat up me wiping my eyes trying to make it look like I hadn’t been crying they were all still standing in our little hiding place waiting for us.

  
At first none of them said anything and then I looked at their faces and I saw that Dom’s eyes appeared a little wet like he was fighting his own tears back and I nodded my head in appreciation that he understood how I felt, that they all understood.  
“Hang in there,” Hunter said to me nodding his head and leaving.

  
“Good luck” Christian said, “You better be there Sunday if you aren’t I’m going looking for you.” He said and then walked out of the circle as well.

  
Cole and Will waved and walked away quickly heading towards the school building and so Dom, Pat and I were the last ones in our spot, “Hey Dom, can you watch him today? For me make sure he’s ok try and help him out?” He asked Dom.

  
Usually that would offend me because I usually felt like I didn’t need help that I could take care of myself and anybody else but at that moment I knew that wasn’t true. That I did need help and there really wasn’t anyone who could give me the help I needed so I just let it go.

  
“Yeah,” Dom nodded his head, “I got him.”

  
“Thanks,” Pat said looking at him and then he turned and hugged me again tightly, “Remember how much you matter to me ok?” He said tipping my chin upwards lightly so I was looking into his face before he kissed me quickly on the lips, “I’ll see you in study hall all right?” he asked me and I nodded my head.

  
“And at lunch?” I asked him.

  
“Yes, of course at lunch,” He said and then we all quickly hurried towards the building almost at a sprint in order to make it to the classroom before the bell rang.

  
Dom and I actually managed to make it to Father Dunbee’s class with like two minutes to spare sitting down still not having caught our breaths.

  
“Mr. McGregor I know you have a habit of cutting it close but I’m not going to punish you for just making it you don’t need to kill yourself to get here before the bell rings,” He said looking at me, “If I didn’t know better I’d say you and Mr. Marrow were getting into trouble together.” He said and the class laughed, “Ok everyone that’s enough pull out your books and front row began reading aloud pages 141 to 142 and then take off from there around the room.”

  
I know I read out loud like I should have and I know I behaved but I felt tired and don’t remember what I read at all a giant pit of anxiety in my stomach. I couldn’t past the fact that math class was next and knowing what Father Barren would be thinking the whole time I was there watching me closely watching me squirm as I knew he was looking at me undressing me with his eyes while he was supposed to be teaching me and the other boys around me. The whole thing made me feel beyond sick. The bell rang and Dom tapped me on the shoulder.

  
“Just give me a second and wait at the door ok? I’m going to ask him something,” He told me and I nodded leaving the room and waiting outside the door just kind of standing there and after a few minutes he joined me.

  
“What was that about?” I asked him.

  
“Nothing,” He said even though I could hear something in his voice that hinted that he wasn’t nothing.

  
“You’re not going to tell me?” I asked and he just shrugged his shoulder.

  
“I don’t tell you everything,” He said.

  
“I’m very aware of that,” I said.

  
“Right well,” He sighed realizing where we were headed, “Just keep your head down and try to ignore him. I would say let’s go outside and smoke until the bell rings but wrong hallway it would take us too long to get back we wouldn’t make it in time and that would be more trouble than it’s worth so we’re going to go hang in the bathroom ok?”

  
I nodded my head and we went down that hallway past the class room door and then into the bathroom. When we got there Kristoff was there.

  
“Hey guys, what are you up to?” He asked us stepping away from the urinal and doing up his belt.

  
“Avoiding the line,” Dom said.

  
“Ah yeah I hated that line too, fucking Barren,” He said.

  
“Yeah. I’m glad I never caught his eye,” Dom said.

  
“Not yet you haven’t even though you do tend to be moody and he likes the quiet ones until he gets them alone that is,” Kristoff said and I flinched.

  
“I’m not moody just,” Dom shrugged, “I deal with stuff in my own way.”

  
“How? Are you a popper or a drownder?” He asked Dom.

  
“A little bit of both and a bleeder,” He said.

  
“Really?” Kristoff asked curiously, “Can I see?”

  
Dom scoffed, “No you can’t see.”

  
“Bleeder?” I asked.

  
“Guys who cut themselves,” Kristoff said, “I only know like one or two but I’m not very close with them they tend to be shy or they just like to keep to themselves. There’s this guy Theo, he’s a bleeder and if you ever see him at a party you can tell his arms are fucked up like you can tell he cuts himself huge chunks of scar tissue all over.”

  
“I don’t cut in places most people get to see that often so,” Dom shrugged his shoulders.

  
“What you cut your thighs?” Kristoff asked.

  
“None of your business,” Dom answered.

  
“You’re not one of the weird ones that cut your pubic bone are you?” He asked.

  
“I told you it’s none of your business,” Dom said again just as the bathroom door swung open.

  
“Oh look at this an untouchable and a fuck toy,” Chad hissed making the guys behind him laugh, “What are you two doing?”

  
“Leaving,” Dom said trying to walk out of the bathroom door past the crowd of boys but two of them blocked his way.

  
“We didn’t say you could go fuck toy,” Chad hissed.

  
“I have class,” Dom said backing up until he stepped on my foot making me step back.

  
“So? Why do we care? You guys want to have some fun,” He said and I noticed Dom’s body language was screaming uncomfortable.

  
“We have to go,” I said touching Dom’s shoulder.

  
“I want to play with the fuck toy though,” Chad said and Dom backed up farther.

  
It took me a second to realize what exactly was going on and then it dawned on me. He wanted to use Dom like a brotherhood member would have but he wanted to do it right there.

  
“Not happening,” Kristoff said as he finished washing his hands.

  
“Who says?” Chad asked.

  
“My last name is Talbot,” Kristoff said, “You sure you want to mess with that?”

  
I saw something happening behind Chad’s eyes like he was thinking carefully.

  
“I’m also older then you and don’t mind kicking someone’s ass especially if it belongs to a creep like you,” Kristoff warned.

  
“You got off lucky fuck toy,” He said as him and his pals stopped blocking the door way and Dom and I left the bathroom.

  
“What was that?” I asked.

  
Dom shrugged his shoulders like he was trying to play it cool, “It’s nothing.”

  
“That was not nothing,” I said forgetting my own anxiety about father Barren and our class, “What was that?” I asked him.

  
Dom sighed, “They have a group they make you engage with yeah?” He asked me, “He’s in mine and he thinks that gives him permission to do whatever he wants.”

  
“Why don’t you fight back?” I asked him.

  
“I do all right but then I get my ass kicked and it happens anyway just like at home all right so don’t even,” He warned me.

  
“Hey I’m not judging,” I said.

“Let’s go to class,” He said standing at the back of the line as I did the same, “Keep your head down ok? Don’t look at him don’t give him an excuse to keep you after or make him angry.” Dom reminded me.

  
“I know,” I said just as the bell rang and the classroom door opened.

  
The whole class filed in sitting quickly and Father Barren stood at the front of the room and sighed, “Pop quiz take a page and pass it back. No talking until you are finished, no cheating, no passing notes. If I catch anyone checking out anyone else’s test you will be going to the headmaster’s office.”

  
He came down the row and put something on my desk casually which I picked up and glanced at. It was a note.

  
“I will drive you to my house after school. Meet me outside the back exit don’t talk to anyone. On the way there you will not speak unless spoken to and you will sit still, Father B.”

  
I crushed the note into a ball and put it in my pocket as someone handed me my test. My heart pounded the whole time and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I knew he was watching me and I knew there was nothing I could do that would get him to stop staring. I barely finished the 40 question quiz in time for the bell to ring but hurried forward and put it in the pile on his desk anyway on the way out.

  
“Just a minute Mr. McGregor,” He said not looking up from what he was doing on his desk as the rest of the class started to file out I stopped dead knowing that making him angry wasn’t a good idea. Dom stopped when I stopped.

  
“Do you have a twin now?” He asked me glancing up when everyone else had left.

  
“No just a friend,” Dom answered before I could say anything.

  
“My recreational activities don’t concern you,” Father Barren said to him.

  
“They shouldn’t concern him either,” Dom said which made Father Barren smile.

  
“This has to do with his grades this is between his father and I and him you understand Mr. Marrow?” He asked, “Because I don’t want to involve your parents.” He said and I saw Dom’s eyes flicker but he still stood pretty firm.

  
“Don’t you want him to eat?” Dom asked father Barren.

  
“Actually, no that’s exactly what I wanted to talk to him about, it would be better if he didn’t,” He said to Dom, “Not that it concerns you but I have certain requirements for the boys I tutor.”

  
“Fine, don’t eat lunch can I go?” I asked him.

  
“Don’t get short,” Father Barren said to me, “That’s it you may go.” He said.

  
Dom and I both left and Pat was standing in the hall way outside the lunch room looking for us with Cole beside him and I saw him relax slightly when he saw me, “How did it go? Are you ok?” he asked me.

  
“He told me not to eat anything,” I said.

  
“That’s weird usually they don’t care do they?” He asked.

  
“No my Da not usually,” I answered.

  
“Well, he’s into a lot of ass play I’ve heard,” Cole said quietly.

  
“What does that mean?” I asked slightly confused, “I mean my Da huh ..,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

  
“Does he take forever with it though?” Cole asked me, “Or is he into other things?”

  
“COLE,” Pat hissed, “Don’t ask him that.”

  
“Sorry,” Cole said, “I didn’t mean anything by it.”

  
“I know you didn’t,” I said, “Its ok I’m fine.”

  
“No that wasn’t fine I’m sorry I wasn’t thinking about it you know?” Cole said again.

  
“Really I’m ok,” I said nodding my head even though I was pretty sure they could all tell that I wasn’t, “I’m going to go sit down.” I said and sat down at our table next to Christian who already had his food and waited for everyone else.

  
“Not eating?” He asked me.

  
“Not allowed to,” I said and Christian nodded his head, “Go drink some orange juice at least.”

  
“Why?” I asked.

  
“You’ll need it trust me nothing worse than starving while one of them does whatever it is they are into, You could end up passing out,” Christian said.

  
“Isn’t that better than having to be awake for it?” I asked, “Do you think someone would drug me?” I asked even more excitedly hoping someone would offer me a downer or something so I didn’t have to be awake or lucid when I was with Father Barren.  
“I don’t know if anyone has anything like that, you could ask Cole but usually he’s carrying the stuff that does the opposite,” Christian said.

  
“Does he really?” I asked curious.

  
“Yeah he says it’s to stay awake honestly I think it’s because he doesn’t want to sleep and is afraid of a major crash later so he just does it all the time.” Christian answered.

  
Just then Cole and Pat came to the table and I must have stared at Cole a second too long because he gave me a weird look, “What?” he asked me.

  
“Christian says you’re a coke head,” I said.

  
Cole sighed, “Not really not, I sell more then I use,” He said, “I find it makes me twitchy so I don’t like to use it too often but when I think it’ll help me out I do.”

  
“When would it ever help you?” I asked.

  
“With night mares, sometimes it depends on what they want me to do, sometimes it’s other shit like I have a test I have to study for and I need to cram just like little stuff but no I don’t use it too much anymore,” He answered.

  
“Really?” Christian said, “That’s news to me.”

  
“Last time Dad found me with it he did some not so nice things so I’ve been kind of keeping it to a minimum because well I don’t care to endure that again even though that hasn’t stopped other people from doing the same thing.” Cole said.

  
“Oh wait I think I know what he did,” Christian smiled.

  
“Christian don’t you dare give up my yuck ok?” Cole said.

  
“All right, I’ll keep it to myself,” Christian promised.

  
“What do you mean yuck?” I asked.

  
“You know that one thing everyone has that they just it’s a major oh fuck no?” Cole asked, “That’s what I mean by my yuck. I don’t do it if I can help it because I personally don’t like people doing that to me.”

  
“What is it?” I asked and then I thought about it, “Ah.”

  
“You guessed?” He asked me.

  
“I think I remember something yeah,” I said thinking about the time in Watson’s office where Cole’s face had gone pasty white when Watson had made Cole mention salad tossing. How Pat had mentioned it too, that it was something Cole loathed.

  
“What is tossing someone’s salad anyway?” and Cole stopped eating while Christian spit his drink out.

  
“You don’t know?” Christian said after he was done coughing.

  
“No,” I said, “Why should I?”

  
“Huh, yeah,” Cole said, “I’m going to walk away for a bit here if you don’t mind and go like god I don’t know wish I was dead in a corner while you talk about this.” Cole said shooting me a dirty look and walking away leaving his tray behind.

  
“Cole I’m sorry!” I called and then got up to go after him but Christian stopped me.

  
“You want to know what it is first?” Dom asked me.

  
“It’s rimming,” Christian explained to me and I shuddered remembering what that was.

  
“Oh,” I simply answered.

  
“Yes,” Christian, “For someone who claims to be gay he really doesn’t like it.”

  
“He doesn’t like it being done without permission that doesn’t mean he doesn’t like it at all,” I said and got up to go say I was sorry again.

  
I walked outside looking for Cole and found him sitting a bench staring at his feet kicking the dirt around, “Hey,” I said.

  
“Yo,” He answered.

  
“I’m sorry I didn’t know what it meant,” I said.

  
“I know you’re sorry I just don’t like talking about it,” Cole answered.

  
“It’s not something I enjoy either, that,” I said.

  
“To me it’s almost worse than you know…,” Cole said.

  
“I think it’s about the same for me,” I said and after a moment of silence, “When I get home I think I just want it to stop.”

  
“What do you mean?” Cole asked a confused look on his face.

  
“Just to stop,” I said.

  
“Well first we have to deal with Finick and then don’t you have study hall?” Cole asked.

  
“Yeah,” I answered.

  
“With Pat right?” He asked me.

  
“Yes,” I answered.

  
“Ask him to teach you to play poker, then you can start coming to poker nights on the second Wednesday maybe you can actually kick Delia’s ass,” Cole said.

  
“Really you guys play poker with the girls?” I asked surprised.

  
“Yeah, even though sometimes I wish we didn’t I mean Delia is like a stone cold poker bitch,” Cole said, “If he teachers you well enough maybe you can beat her ass at this too and not just Pat’s affections.”

  
“Oh stop,” I said feeling myself get warm in the face.

  
“It’s true, she’s really jealous of you,” Cole said.

  
“I know but it’s not like I did anything to get it,” I said.

  
“It’s because you’re sweet,” Cole mentioned.

  
“What do you mean sweet?” I asked.

  
“You try so hard to make sure everyone else is happy, that your brothers and sisters are safe. You don’t even hate your mom even though she doesn’t really protect you,” Cole said, “That takes a strong person, someone who is so sweet they can give you cavities and Pat likes sweet. Probably why he fell out of love with Delia because she hasn’t been sweet in a while not since her Dad started in on Eric.”

  
“Their little brother?” I asked.

  
“Yeah, apparently watching them go through it is hard to take, kind of glad I’ll never know what that’s like,” Cole said.

  
“It is. It’s really hard. You want so much to be able to stop it from happening to them and sometimes it doesn’t matter what you do that it happens anyway,” I said, “It hurts to watch it happen and know there is nothing you can stop it.”

  
“That sounds hard,” Cole sighed, “I’m sorry you have to go through that.”

  
“It’s worrisome. I worry about them all so much. Will seems more and more angry lately James has just I can’t tell where his head it at all but he seems different somehow and Matty is, there is something really really wrong with him like he scares me, the questions he asks sometimes I swear he asks them so bluntly just to watch me squirm.” I sighed.

  
Cole sighed, “I think he’s studying you,” He said.

  
“What?” I asked.

  
“Your brother could just be like mentally unsound and trying you out to read what types of questions are appropriate to ask people. They get bored, people like that so they ask a lot of questions and sometimes those questions aren’t questions you want to be asked but, they totally always do so they’ll ask someone they trust and read their reactions and won’t ask another person depending on how that person reacts to the question,” Cole said.

  
“I never thought of it like that. I just thought he liked freaking me out and didn’t respect me,” I said.

  
“Well what does he ask you?” He asked me.

  
“He’s asked me a couple of weird things like if I like it when Da…does stuff certain things which I really don’t like. He seems to not understand that it’s wrong or not care. Just a lot of weird stuff,” I said.

  
“He might just be fucked up,” Cole said, “I mean the situation itself is pretty fucked up.”

  
“I know,” I sighed as Pat came to join us.

  
“What you guys talking about?” Pat asked smiling at us.

  
“Life,” Cole commented.

  
“Oh boo,” Pat said, “That’s no fun.”

  
“Nope,” Cole agreed, “We’re talking about his weirdo brother actually.”

  
“Which one?” Pat asked.

  
“Matt,” I answered.

  
“He’s unsettling,” Pat said.

  
“Yes, I agree,” I said, “Will said I should give him a break but honestly he disturbs me.”

  
“He’s still a kid though he might grow out of being weird,” Pat said, “I mean you never know right?”

  
“Yeah I guess so,” I shrugged.

  
“You guess so?” Pat asked smiling at me weird.

  
“What?” I asked and then he started tickling me. I started laughing as he did it until I was breathless and we were on the ground and then he stopped on top of me staring at me and Cole coughed.

  
“Sorry,” Pat said sheepishly just as the bell rang.

  
“Good luck with Finick,” he said which made me roll my eyes.

  
“Hopefully he doesn’t make me stay for study hall. That would blow after everything else I have to do today,” I said.

  
“I hope not too,” Pat said, “Are you going to be ok after this?” He asked me addressing the heavy brooding that I knew was coming off me.

  
“I don’t know. I think so,” I answered honestly, “It’s just…it is what it is.”

  
“Call me later so I know you’re ok all right?” Pat said looking at me closely, “Guys have been known to die by accident and from what I understand Father Barren can be hard to deal with.”

  
“I’ll make sure I call and let you know I’m alive,” I said, “I’m scared Pat.”

  
“I know Rabbit, if I could do this for you I would but…,” He looked at me and then looked around to make sure no one was watching and grabbed my hand and squeezed.

  
“You’ll be ok John,” Cole assured me, “It’s going to be all right I promise if he kills you I’ll kill him.”

  
“Yeah sure you will,” I laughed lightly.

  
“Dude, I need you, no dying all right?” Cole said.

  
“All right,” I said nodding my head.

  
Just then the bell rang, “Ok time for class,” Pat said giving my hand one more squeeze before he let go, “Ready?”

  
“As ready as I’ll ever be to face Finick,” I said, “Where’s Dom?” I asked.

  
“Probably already down that way, just hurry up and I’ll see you in study hall.” Pat said as I walked away down the hallway.

  
When I got to class Dom was already sitting at the table with Mike and Alec quietly reading a book. I sat down next to him silently and nudged his foot with the toe of my shoe to let him know I was there.

  
“I see you,” Dom said without looking up, “What’s up?”

  
“Just help keep me distracted ok?” I asked him.

  
“Why afraid of Finick creeping on you? Alec asked.

  
“You two talk too much,” I said sighing.

  
“Well Finick is a weirdo,” Alec commented and then I kind of put two and two together. How they talked about how creepy the teachers were how Alec seemed to hint that he knew things he probably shouldn’t and then I thought about it. If the brotherhood really was that popular and had that much power there was no way we could possibly know all of the people involved.

“Are you two…,” I started to ask watching them closely then shook my head, “Never mind.”

  
“What?” Mike asked, “Are you asking if we’re gay or something else that’s fucking stupid?”

  
“No that’s not what I meant,” I said and Dom sighed next to me and then wrote something on a piece of paper and went back to reading his book.

  
The note said, “Don’t ask that write your brand on a piece of paper and show it to them if they know what it means they are a part of it. I’ve never seen them at parties before though just letting you know.”

  
“Yeah ok,” I sighed quietly and wrote my brand down on the other side of the paper MV, “Either of you know what this means?” I asked showing it to them.

  
“Maybe, why?” Alec said.

  
“No fucking clue that looks like it’s 1005 in roman numerals. Why?”

  
“Just wondering, you got one Alec?” I asked bravely.

  
Alec shrugged, “Try this one, he said writing something on the paper and turning it over for me to look at BIV.”

  
“Really?” Dom asked looking at the paper curiously, “Why didn’t you say anything?”

  
“Do you tell everyone?” He asked Dom and me, we both shook our heads.

  
“Well you have your answer then,” He said simply.

  
“Tell everyone what?” Mike asked.

  
“Nothing Mike,” Alec said, “Did you see that movie yet Mike?” he asked and I tuned out not really listening at all.

  
I don’t remember much that happened after that. I think we spent most of the class reading however some people didn’t do it so silently. I personally couldn’t focus on anything going on around me the feeling of being punched in the stomach plaguing me as I waited for the bell to ring sending us off to our next class with a TA or possibly to a different fate that I couldn’t stomach thinking about. Once the bell rang I hopped up and left as fast as I could not wanting to be stuck in a room with Finick even a second longer than I had to be especially with Dom beside me since he apparently thought we were sexy together so that was something I wanted to avoid.

  
“John!” Dom called behind me coming up “You don’t even know where our next class is you haven’t been to study hall yet because you seem to have bad luck with that,” He said.

  
“Yeah I just couldn’t stay in there and wait from him to call my name and say he wants me during study hall,” I told him as we walked.

  
“Hopefully he won’t want you during study hall so you can spend time with Pat,” He said smiling.

  
“Can you blame me I mean he’s hot,” I said smiling lightly.

  
“You guys did something when you were playing hooky didn’t you?” Dom asked laughing.

  
“I didn’t say that,” I said.

  
“It’s written on your face,” Dom said, “I would try the gym socks thing just so you know my opinion. No flirting, no touching could get you into some trouble not because of the brotherhood but because of the catholic school thing.”

  
“I know, I got it,” I said.

  
“That’s interesting about Alec huh?” Dom asked me.

  
“Yeah no kidding I had no idea,” I answered.

  
“I’ve never seen him at a party but he is a four so his handler might just not be a party goer,” Dom said, “Let’s hurry it up.” He said slapping me on the back and hurrying ahead of me.

  
He crossed the threshold and I crossed it behind him actually happy to be in a class for once.

  
“Mr. McGregor, I remember you,” Luke said smiling, “Take any open seat,” he said and Pat smiled at me and waved me over.

  
“Hey,” He said smiling at me and bumping my knee lightly with his.

  
“Hi,” I replied, “Any work you need to do in another class?” I asked.

  
“Nope I’m here unless someone requests me to come see them,” He said, “You?”

  
“Same,” I said, “I hope no one does.”

  
“Me too,” he sighed his smile fading a little and then he ripped a piece of paper out of his binder and wrote on it passing it to me.

  
“I hate to think about them touching you,” he wrote.

  
“Me too.” I wrote back.

  
“You’ll make sure you call me right?” He whispered.

  
“Yes, I promise,” I said.

  
No one called to request me for study hall. I still don’t know if that was just a lucky break or if they all knew what was going to happen to me later because people tend to talk. But the hour went by and no one asked to see me so I got to spend it next to Pat doing history homework and shooting each other side glances longing to reach out and grab his hand or wrap my foot around his ankle but knowing we couldn’t and shouldn’t. That it wasn’t a good idea. When the bell rang it startled me so bad out of our little private world that I jumped ten feet in the air.

  
“Mr. McGregor just a minute,” Luke said as I passed the door.

  
I felt a lump in my throat. I thought he wasn’t into the brotherhood and he had tried to stop McClairen so why on earth did he want to talk to me? I felt nearly sick to my stomach as it was and I knew I couldn’t take being touched by anyone else not when I was working my way up to dealing with Barren let alone anyone else.

  
“Yes sir,” I asked timidly as everyone filed out.

  
“Luke please, I’m not a sir or a father not yet,” He said as the last student filed out, “Is everything ok?” He asked me.

  
“Yes, everything is fine,” I lied.

  
“If I remember correctly I walked in on you looking rather flustered with Father McClairen. I’ve heard rumors was he really tutoring you? Because he’s been known to be inappropriate with students before.” Luke said.

  
“Yes sir, I mean Luke I had mono for a bit so he was making sure I was caught up,” I answered.

  
“With your blazer, vest and tie off?” He asked me giving me a knowing look.

  
“I was hot and the school day was done so I took them off,” I covered.

  
“Are you sure?” He asked me.

  
“Yes, I’m sure,” I said.

  
“Ok if you’re certain. You may go,” He said and as I turned to walk out the door I ran right into Father Barren.

  
“There you are,” He said he eyes lighting up as he looked at me and I saw his eyes flicker up and down my frame making me tense, “I’ll meet you in 10 minutes where I told you don’t say anything to anyone just go.” He said and I didn’t even acknowledge he said anything walking away quickly and going to the bathroom.

  
I splashed cold water on my face but that didn’t stop my stomach from lurching and I ended up running to the toilet and throwing up all stomach acid because I hadn’t had anything to eat. I didn’t want to go out there. I didn’t want to do this and I felt like I was going to scream but I managed to hold it in. After a few minutes I made my way to the exit at the end of the hallway at the back of the school and there he was in an old station wagon waiting for me.

  
“Come on boy, hop in,” He said to me and I reluctantly opened the door. He put a hand on my shoulder and leaned over me buckling my seat belt for me. His hand then coming to rest on my lower thigh as he drove me silently to his house.

  
We pulled up to an apartment complex and then weaved through the complex until we got to a little building near the back of it and he got out. Once he got out he came around to the passenger side and opened my door and I got out and quietly followed him. We entered what I thought would be an apartment but it had multiple floors so it was probably more like a town house.

  
He opened the door and then shut it and locked it, “Ok take off your tie, blazer and vest and I also want your shoes and socks off right here,” He said holding out his hands.

  
I swallowed but did as I was told and he took each of them and gently folded them laying them on a table by the front door once I was done he took my hand and then turned it so my palm was face up checking the sleeve button there and then undoing it and doing the same with the other button.

“Do you bleed a lot?” He asked me and I was confused by the question.

  
“What do you mean?” I asked.

  
“When you have anal sex, do you bleed a lot?” He asked me.

  
“Only sometimes and only a little bit. The first couple times yeah but not super bad besides this one time,” I answered quietly.

  
“Ok well, I’m going to teach you how not to bleed. This time you will probably bleed it’s going to hurt I’m not going to lie but by the time we’re done at the end of the month you won’t bleed anymore ok?” He said to me and I just nodded my head.

  
His reached up his hand touching my cheek making me feel frozen as he stared into my eyes. I could see the excitement he was feeling in his, the way that a slight smile played on his lips. I knew he wanted to hurt me. I knew that he wanted to make me feel pain and that there was nothing I could do to escape it.

  
He leaned forward his whole body shaking with excitement as he kissed my cheek and started unbuttoning my shirt his kisses moving from my cheek to my neck and before I knew it he was pressing me into the wall and I was trying very hard not to push him off me. He was too edger, too rough and his hands were grabbing too hard. He was hurting me. He no longer cared about how neatly my clothes were folded and allowed my button up to drop to the ground as he grabbed my undershirt and pulled it making it rip down the front his hands gliding up my naked chest touching my nipples making me gasp.

  
“It’s ok,” He whispered not my ear his kisses moving to my collar bone.

  
“Please,” I begged before I could stop myself I didn’t want this. I didn’t want any of this.

  
“You’re all right,” He said his hands moving to my belt and undoing it and then he yanked my pants down my waist, “Step out,” He instructed me and I did as I was told my whole body shaking, “Good.” He said looking me up and down as I stood there in my underwear.

  
“Ok we’re going to go downstairs, I have an area set up for this. Like I said it’s going to hurt. You can scream if you need to I actually kind of like it when you boys scream. Like I said it will hurt but you don’t need to alarm yourself and fighting will make it hurt more. Do as you’re told though and you should be ok enough that some pain meds and a low fiber diet for the next couple of days will help you ok?” He said and I nodded my head.

  
He led me down to the basement and there it was just like Kristoff said the swing in the middle of the basement hanging from a hook. I felt like my heart was going to stop remembering the last time I was in a swing like that how I passed out what they had done to me. There was also a futon in the corner of the room. The basement was dim only a tiny lamp lighting it after he had hit the switch upstairs even though it was a finished basement. I felt the urge to run, to try and get upstairs and away but I knew I wouldn’t be able to fight him off if I tired.

  
“It’s all right,” He said running a hand through my hair hugging me tightly around my waist his hands finding their way down the back of my underwear as he breathed into my neck, “Just relax it will hurt less if you relax. He told me as he pulled them down and allowed them to fall on the ground slowly inching me backwards towards the swing. And then backing away from me so he could looked at me.

  
“Wow,” he breathed looking at me and I felt myself started to blush and I went to cover myself with my hands, “No don’t I want to see you.” He said and I froze.

  
“If you just… never mind I’ll do it,” He said leading me backward so that my ass was in the swing and then he lifted me so I was suspended in it.

  
“Just give me a second,” He said going around behind me and doing something to make the swing lift higher, “That should work,” he muttered to himself coming around to look at me.

  
I was lifted high enough he didn’t have to get on his knees to reach my waist and everything below it. He came closer to me putting my legs into what looked like stirrups like on a horse’s saddle. And then he touched my penis making me jump.

  
“Don’t do that please,” I said quietly.

  
“Just relax I want to make you feel good first, it will be easier for you that way,” He said starting to rub slowly.

  
“No, please,” I said starting to struggle even though I knew I wasn’t going anywhere.

  
“It’ll feel good I promise,” He assured me like I didn’t already know what it felt like.

  
“No, please stop,” I begged feeling myself starting to cry as he started to pick up the pace, “Don’t please don’t,” I said as he lowered his mouth onto my tip the warm sensation engulfing me making me gasps.

  
He worked his mouth up and down my shaft as he moaned lightly causing me to harden his tongue hitting all the right spots making me feel sick to my stomach sending what felt like electric shocks up and down my spine into my groin. I knew I was going to cum and I didn’t want to the feeling of having to pee growing stronger with every second.

  
“Stop,” I begged him again even though I knew he wasn’t listening or if he was he didn’t care what I was saying, “Stop please, please stop I don’t want this, please stop it!”

  
A large shock went through my system which made my eyes widen and I instantly went silent and breathless as I climaxed. He swallowed giving me on last lick along my shaft causing me to jump even though my body was already shaking my whole system trembling.

  
“So the rumor was right too you do taste good,” He said leaning forward trying to force a kiss on me. I pushed into his chest trying to keep him from reaching my face.

  
“No,” I begged again, “No, I don’t want to, no.” I begged as he used his own body weight to push himself onto me.

  
“Stop it,” He warned me, “Your Dad might tolerate this but I won’t so if you don’t stop speaking I will gag you. You understand me?” he warned and I nodded my head.

  
“Good,” He said, “Now I’m going to walk you through this,” He told me as he got off of me a lowered the swing a little then went to the corner, “I’m going to start with a finger and work my way up to three If you push like you’re going to crap it will open the muscles and it will hurt less ok?” he said pumping lube from a giant bottle onto his hand.

  
He came over and rubbed a finger around my entrance and then slowly inserted it brushing against that spot that made me jump and my eyes go wide. I didn’t want this, this wasn’t good. I didn’t know exactly what he was planning to do other than milk me like Hank and Uncle Ben had done but then he added another finger a tight pressure spreading through my body. I whimpered.

  
“Just relax, I’m going to add another finger, I want you to push like you’re going to poop ok?” He said and I didn’t know what to say before I had a chance to respond he was adding a third finger.

  
“OW!” I gasped.

  
“Push out,” He reminded me so I did and his fingers slide in farther and then the pressure built even more my muscles starting to burn. I screamed slightly because it hurt my body shuddering, “That’s right just push out remember to breath ok?” He said smiling at me as the pain grew.

  
After a couple minutes of silence he nodded his head, “How many fingers do you think are in there,” He asked me.

  
“I don’t know,” I whined the burning too much for me to focus on anything really.

  
“What if I told you it was my whole hand?” He asked me smiling.

  
“It hurts!” I said crying, “Please stop.” I begged again.

  
“Ok, just give it a second,” He said and he did something with his hand inside me bumping up against that spot.

  
“NO!” I screamed loudly.

  
“It’s ok you’re ok,” He said.

  
“NO it’s hurts it really hurts,” I begged and he sighed his hand moving slowly pulling out.

  
I was in so much pain my whole body was shaking and I felt weak like I was going to pass out. He lowered and then took my feet out of the holsters so that they were on the ground my stomach felt stretched and raw all the way from my rectum up like he had shoved his hand right into my bowls. I felt like I needed to us the bathroom.

  
“I need to go to the bathroom,” I shuddered nervously.

  
“Ok, do you think you can walk?” He asked me.

  
“It hurts,” I answered quietly.

  
“Ok, I can help,” He said grabbing me gently around the chest and helping me up, “Put your arm over my shoulder and we’ll get you to the bathroom.” He said walking me over to a small door which he opened and it was a large bathroom with an in floor tub and fancy toilet. While we had pretty fancy bathrooms in my house we didn’t have tubs the size of small pools that were in the floor and the sight amazed me. He helped me over to the toilet and helped me sit down the coldness of the porcelain almost hurting. 

  
“Does it feel like you have to push?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I said shuddering.

  
“Ok just sit and wait I’ll be back shortly,” He said.

  
I waited. My stomach started to settle and nothing came out. I didn’t want to push because it hurt so bad I thought I was dying or bleeding deep inside. It felt almost like taking too many big bites of food only it was my asshole but I didn’t think I was bleeding hard but I could tell I was bleeding. Not as bad as what Arthur had caused but about average for when I usually bled.

  
“Did you go?” He asked me coming back in bring the bottle of lube with him. He bent over taking off his shirt and then starting the water in the tub.

  
“No I don’t have to anymore,” I answered.

  
“It was probably just the feeling of my hand in there then that made you feel that way,” He said and turned off the water once the tub had filled up getting undressed. He came over and grabbed me off the toilet one of his hands sliding against my butt cheeks before he took his hand away and looked at it, “Just a little bit. That’s good though you’ll be used to it in not time then your uncle can put you in more movies.” He said.

  
“What?” I asked. Oh god no more movies.

  
“It’s ok you’re a very handsome boy, you’ve made the brotherhood a lot of money. Can I tell you something?” He asked and I nodded my head, “Promise not to tell?” He asked me and I nodded my head again, “They want you to do more pairings, with guys your own age because apparently you’re good at that.”

  
“What?” I asked.

  
“I saw the one with Mr. Kingly the rough cut of course they haven’t finished editing it all yet but it was very very good,” He said and I felt myself blushing lightly, “The light in your eyes as you looked at him. How your eyes started rolling as you climaxed inside of him it was very hot. Do you want to make a movie with me like that?” He asked me.

  
“What?”

  
“Do you say anything besides what or did I break you?” He asked laughing lightly at his own joke, “I won’t share it with anyone I promise.” He said coming towards me where I was still sitting. He put his hand under my chin using it to tilt my head upward so I was looking into his eyes. I saw something there that scared me. I knew his niceness, the way he was trying to be so kind and gentle was an act that he was holding back and he really wanted to hurt me he grabbed me around my throat not squeezing at first but looking at me carefully. I felt like a baby chick caught in the hands of a child that was too eager to touch me, a child that meant to be gentle but couldn’t be because of their excitement. His hand slide down my chest over my heart.

  
“You’re scared?” He asked me, “You don’t have to be scared.” He said I might have been young and it might have been something I was used to but I wasn’t stupid something was wrong. He was going to hurt me.

  
“Are you allowed to do this?” I asked him the words coming out shaky and uncertain.

  
“I’m not doing anything right now,” He said closing his eyes his hand still over my heart, “It’s beating so fast like a little bird, is that what you are? A bird?”

  
I shook my head, “I don’t think you’re allowed to do this?” I said again.

  
“Do what?” He smiled like his was amused but the smile didn’t travel to his eyes, “Do this?” He hissed grabbing me by the balls and squeezing making me yelp, “You see that’s where you’re wrong. I can do whatever I want to you if you want an A. Honestly I’m going to teach you how not to bleed just so only I can make it happen from now on.”

  
“I want to go home,” I said.

  
“Let’s get in the tub before it gets cold,” he said to me. His eyes going to my penis as he grabbed my elbow his grip hard but not painful. I knew he was holding back and that he meant to handle me the way he was because he wanted to do worse he wanted to hurt me even though I was still raw and sore. He pulled me into the tub his arms circling my waist pulling me into the water. He bit into my collar bone hard, harder than hank and I hissed in pain trying to push him away.

  
“No, no no,” He said straddling me pushing my head under the water, he was going to drown me.

  
I couldn’t even hold my breath because he didn’t give me enough time and after just a few moments my lungs were screaming for air my body penned between his legs under the water. All I could do was kick and thrash with my legs as I started to feel light headed. It felt like forever but I could tell it had only been seconds eventually he moved allowing me back up and I spit out water gasping and sputtering.

  
“That’s what fighting gets you here. You want there to be an accident like that again?” He asked me, “Because those types of accidents kill.”

  
I swallowed, “Ok.” I answered crying,

  
“Good, now count how long I can hold my breath.” He said excitedly and I felt his mouth go around me and I instantly bit into my cheek to keep myself from screaming out or crying. He did this for a while, it taking a couple of times of him bobbing up and down in the water to get me to climax. After he was done he sat back watching me closely the tears falling down my face and hitting the water.

  
“You’re ok,” He said to me as I sniffled pulling my knees in close to me making myself as small as possible, “You’ll learn to enjoy our time together. I asked your uncle something. You want to know what?” He asked me reaching his hand out and touching my face brushing his thumb against my lip making me flinch, “I asked him if you’re a trouble maker and he says you like to drink and that you seem sullen. He thinks you’re going to hurt yourself eventually. When you do he said he’ll give you to me.” He smiled, “You’ll never hurt yourself again after that happens I promise because I will fist you so hard your insides come out.” He said evilly.

  
I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was used to my Uncle threatening me and my Da maybe even Hank but this threat felt real, it felt solid and vicious and I didn’t know what to do. I knew I wanted to go home but I didn’t know how to get out of here not physically but mentally. I didn’t know what he would do if I tried to leave and he wasn’t ready for me to leave. I think I blanked out because the next thing I remember we were on the futon my head pushed into the mattress so hard I could barely breathe as he raped me. He raped me hard making sure it hurt and every time I tried to scream I choked on the mattress under me. His nails digging into my back as he slammed into me balls deep. I thought he was going to kill me but as he neared climax he started to slow down my head swimming because I still wasn’t getting enough air. At some point I must have passed out because afterwards I remember waking up my whole body sore my head foggy even though I could still feel him inside of me I knew he wasn’t touching me. I moved my shoulder blade and a sting went through my body and I moaned loudly.

  
“So you’re still alive?” He asked from somewhere in the dark and I froze. Was he really planning to kill me?

  
“Come on,” He said pulling me up by my elbow and pulling me up the stairs somehow he managed to get me dressed and into his car and he didn’t so much as look at me while he drove me home. When we got to the front Gate there was Pat who had probably just walked up and Father Barren stopped. I didn’t wait for him to unbuckle me but hurriedly unbuckled myself and took a step out of the car my foot unsteady. I managed to stumble a couple of feet my body screaming at me and he when I turned his car was gone.

  
“Oh god!” Pat shouted coming to me and catching me before I fell to the ground, “What did he do to you?” He asked me but I couldn’t answer I could barely catch my breath and I felt like I might be dying but staring into his eyes made the world feel solid again, “You’re ok now.” He said hugging me closely. It took me a couple of minutes sitting there in his arms to realize he was crying.

  
“Why are you crying?” I asked confused.

  
“I thought maybe something really bad happened,” He whispered into my hair, “Are you ok?” he asked me.

  
“My whole body hurts,” I mumbled numbly.

  
“I’ll be right back ok? Don’t go anywhere,” He said and then let me go leaving me on the ground shirtless and bruised my heart feeling empty now that he wasn’t holding me. He came back out my mum running ahead of him coming to me.

  
“OH LOVE!” She said and I still don’t know how she did it being that we were probably about the same size at the time but she managed to pick me up and carry me into the house and to the couch with Pat following behind us and she curled herself around me holding me and rocking me gently. Everything felt blurry and slow. My brain barely working. I felt so tired and so sleepy.

  
“I called…” I heard Pat say his lips moving but me no longer hearing his words everything sounding like static.

  
I must have passed out for real because next time I woke up I was in the guest room mum slept in or mum’s room I guess because she never slept in the bedroom anymore and Dr. Palmer was waving something foul smelling over me.

  
“Hey there,” He said looking at me closely Pat and my mum standing the corner of the room, “I think he’ll be all right, his body is just tired really tired.” He told them, “His injuries aren’t too bad do you know what the hell happened?” Vic asked.

  
“I have no…” My mum started.

  
“He was falling math Father Barren made a deal with his Da,” Pat answered.

  
“Oh,” Vic said, “I’ll be talking to Connor then. Barren is known for being hard to deal with.”

  
“I’ll be talking to my husband about this,” My mum said.

  
“No Danielle let me handle it I’m his doctor he should know that this guy made me give his son 12 stitches in his back from me his doctor who is supposedly balls deep in boys just like he is,” Vic said.

  
“Hello, I’m awake I’m aware I’m here and I’m alive so if you could please quit talking about my life like I’m not living it I would be really happy, thank you,” I said.

  
“Sorry John, you want to know what condition you’re in.” Vic asked.

  
“I can feel what condition I’m in thank you for asking though,” I said, “Can I be alone please? And why does it feel like I was ass raped about five times?”

  
“Yes, you can be alone,” My mum answered, “I should probably drive Pat home soon.” She added.

  
“No,” I moaned, “Can’t he stay the night?”

  
“Not happening. I know his home life isn’t great but I don’t trust you two alone,” My mum said folding her arms across her chest.

  
“Why?” Vic asked curious.

  
“I don’t believe in encouraging their perversions,” Mum said.

  
“Wait, are you two…?” Vic asked.

  
“No she just thinks we are,” I said.

  
“I walked in on you making out with him it’s not right John,” My mum said.

  
“Mum, he’s my friend it was one time that doesn’t make us gay,” I said and I saw Pat’s eye light up.

  
“You two stay here, I think you’re mum and I need to talk alone,” Vic said asking my mum to step outside.

  
“No funny business,” My mum warned leaving the door cracked as they walked away.

  
“Man you’re mum is like really against gays isn’t she?” Pat asked me.

  
“Yeah little does she know she’s looking at the wrong son,” I said.

  
“Wait what?” Pat asked, “Who?”

  
“I promised him I wouldn’t say anything but it’s Will,” I said.

  
“Go Will,” Pat said, “You sure she doesn’t have to worry about you?”

  
“Yes, right now I never want to have sex again,” I said.

  
Pat sighed, “Ok. What about cuddling?” He asked me.

  
“Cuddling? I don’t know about that,” I said smiling and he laid down on the bed next to me and I hugged him.

  
“And kissing?” He asked.

  
“Well, he didn’t kiss me once amazingly beside my cheek,” I answered.

  
“Right here?” He asked touching my cheek and I nodded my head, “But, I that’s my favorite cheek.” he said kissing it replacing Father Barrens kiss.

  
“We shouldn’t, my mum’s right outside,” I said smiling.

  
“Your mouth might say no but you’re eyes say yes,” Pat teased.

  
“I don’t want to get in trouble that and if Vic is doing us any favors he’s going to talk her into letting you spent the night,” I said.

  
Mum popped her head back in the door, “Fine he can stay but only if you sleep with your bedroom door open, no funny business and his Dad has to be ok with it.”

  
We both groaned. Hank would never agree to Pat spending the night at my house. No way.

  
“I’ll talk to Hank guys,” Vic said from the hallway, “Tell him it’s good for you to spend some time together.”

  
“Thanks,” Pat said, “Should we go upstairs and play some video games?”

  
“Yeah,” I said and then went to move, “SHIT!” I screamed as the pain coursing through my body caught me by surprise.

  
“Nice slow movements John,” Vic warned me, “You’re sore you need to be gentle with yourself.”

  
“Yeah? No kidding,” I said moving again this time more slowly and Pat helped me to my feet. We got into the elevator and made it upstairs.

  
“Who beat the snot out of you?” Will asked frowning at me.

  
“Doesn’t matter,” I sighed.

  
“Hi Pat,” He said nodding his head at Pat.

  
“Hey, how are you doing?” Will asked, “Was it Father Barren because you have bruises all over and what is that?” Will asked pointing at the gauze patch on my chest.

  
“I got bit,” I said.

  
“Ouch,” Will said, “I don’t think I’ve ever been bit.”

  
“Yeah well, this is a bite, this,” I pointed at the light scar below my right nipple, “is a bite I have like two or three more so just hope you don’t ever end up with someone that bites.” I shrugged.

  
“Have you been bit?” Will asked Pat.

  
“Huh…,” Pat thought about it for a minute, “Yeah a couple times.”

  
“Do a lot of them bite?” Will asked.

  
“I don’t know Will,” I sighed, “I’ve only been bitten by two people.”

  
“I don’t want to get bitten,” Will said.

  
“Neither do me,” I said and Pat grabbed my hand and squeezed it causing me to turn and look at him.

  
“Why don’t we go chill in your room?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah sure,” I said squeezing his hand back and we went down the hall to my bedroom.

  
Once we were inside I shut the door and Pat didn’t wait long before he wrapped his arms around my waist gently trying to be aware of how hard he squeezed because he knew I was sore.

  
“I can’t believe he bit you,” He said his hand hovering over the gauze on my chest.

  
“It’s ok, it doesn’t hurt,” I said reaching up and kissing his chin.

  
“God,” He said biting his lip.

  
“What?” I asked.

  
“I want to kiss you so bad,” He said.

  
“Well, my mum’s not right outside the bedroom,” I mentioned.

  
He bent down and kissed me his tongue rolling across mine. Before I knew it we were on the bed me sitting in his lap as we made out his hands touching my lower back barely to make sure he didn’t hurt me.

  
“You smell good,” He said breathing into my neck tickling my skin and it made me giggle.

  
“I shouldn’t,” I answered.

  
“But you do,” He said, “You always smell good.” He said kissing my neck.

  
“You smell good,” I said.

  
“No I don’t I smell like butt and yogurt,” He answered.

  
I burst out laughing, “Butt and yogurt where did you get that combo from?”

  
“I don’t know,” Pat said laughing because I was laughing.

  
“I think you smell good, “I said pulling his shirt over his head.

  
Just then my door opened and I saw Pat’s eyes go wide.

  
“What are you doing?” James asked as Pat pushed me off his lap and grabbed his shirt.

  
“Uhh…we were playing tickle monster,” I said tickling Pat making him laugh.

  
“That’s weird, aren’t you too old for tickle monster?” James asked me.

  
“Never,” I smiled getting up off the bed and tickling him until he told me to stop.

  
“Were you really playing tickle monster?” He asked me after a minute when he finally caught his breath.

  
“Yes,” Pat said.

  
“You’re supposed to knock,” I told James.

  
“Sorry,” James said, “Mum said you’re not supposed to have the door closed though and told me to open it.”

  
“Where is mum?” I asked him.

  
“Nursery with the babies,” He said.

  
“Ah,” I said, “There goes tickle monster.”

  
Will opened the door and coughed, “Why is Pat’s shirt off?” He asked me.

  
“Oh they were playing tickle monster,” James answered before I could say anything.

  
“Yeah, ok well we’re going to leave them to play that by themselves go in the living room I’ll be there in a second,” Will said and James wandered off, “Tickle monster are you kidding me?”

  
“It was an on the fly answer,” I said.

“Ok well, let’s play tickle monster with our shirts on from now on,” Will said, “Don’t give him ideas the poor kid is confused enough about the whole….life thing so let’s not make out with our boyfriends at home on this floor where tiny people who don’t understand things can walk in on us.”

  
“He’s not my…,” I turned to Pat “Wait are you my boyfriend?” I asked.

  
“If you want me to be,” Pat answered winking.

  
“Ok, got it,” I answered.

  
“This is weird for me,” Will said shutting the door.

  
“What is?” I asked.

  
“You and…,” He gestured at Pat.

  
“Why?” I asked.

  
“Because you’re…I don’t know John ok? I don’t think you’re gay,” Will said.

  
“He’s not and neither am I we’re just into each other,” I answered.

  
“ Well,” Will said, “Whatever you are if it’s not with a girl keep it away from mum I don’t want her to hate me because she thinks your gay and then she finds out I might be.”

  
“Mum doesn’t hate me I don’t think and I know she doesn’t hate you,” I answered, “She’s just into the whole catholic thing probably because it brings a sense of control to her life.”

  
“Probably,” Pat said, “I think she’ll get over it at some point. I mean when you grow up screwing your Dad and Uncle someone is bound to turn out liking dick.”

  
Will shook his head and sighed, “It has nothing to do with that. I don’t think.”

  
“But you don’t know for sure,” Pat said.

  
“Well, the way that certain guys make me feel has nothing to do with my Da I’m sure. It’s not like I imagine jumping into bed with them just like other stuff. Like what you two do type of stuff,” Will said blushing slightly.

  
“What type of stuff do you think we do?” Pat asked wrapping his arm around my shoulder.

  
“Like cuddle and kiss and hang out,” Will said.

  
Pat looked at me like he was about to laugh so I reached over and pinched his side lightly making him gasp. I didn’t want my brother to know that there was more involved than just kissing and that we had done some other things sort of. I also knew that deep down even though he wouldn’t ever say that he wanted it he wished he could touch me more and do other things to me that always made me feel nervous to the point my vision went fuzzy and I felt like I was going to pass out.

  
“Ouch!” Pat said and then looked at Will, “Well, you huh, I feel awkward explaining this to your brother John.” He looked at me.

  
“Will what do you think dating entails?” I asked simply.

  
“What you do,” Will answered.

  
“Well, yes but as you get older when people care about each other they…” Will cut me off.

  
“I’m not five I’m very aware of what sex is I have it every night John I’m not stupid. I realize that yes when people care about each other they might oh I don’t know have sex together but you do realize I’m not even 11 right?” He asked me.

  
“Yes but our lives aren’t normal. We’re not normal our life is sex there is a good chance when you find someone if you decide you are into guys he’s going to be in the brotherhood too and his touch will erase all of the ones you don’t want so you might feel like you want him to… touch you in certain ways that you can’t imagine yourself enjoying now,” I answered carefully.

  
“Wait are you saying you two have done that?” Will asked his eyes wide in shock.

  
“Not exactly,” Pat answered him honestly.

  
“There are certain things that I’m not comfortable with and I’m not going to discuss it with my brother,” I told Will.

  
“So you’ve had sex with him?” He asked his eyes getting even bigger, “What was it like?”

  
“Oh geeze we haven’t had sex, sex no,” I said, “there was a camera pointed at us we were making a movie and not because we wanted to.”

  
“Right,” Pat sighed, “It’s something they do. If I do recall correctly though we had a little bit of fun that night after the camera was off.”

  
“Yes we did but it wasn’t sex,” I commented.

  
Pat smiled at me and whispered in my ear, “No but it was still fun, “and then he bit my ear lobe making me giggle.

  
“Shh,” I said.

  
“So you guys did have sex?” Will asked.

  
“Will,” I said.

  
“No you know what you can tell him. I’m going to go get a drink you two, chat be brothers like just tell him since he seems so interested to know but I feel like it would be less awkward if I wasn’t in here so I’ll go play video games with the twins,” Pat said shaking his head as he got up and Will moved so he could leave.

  
“Will really? You had to scare him away?” I sighed.

  
“Sorry I just want to know what it was like,” He said sheepishly.

  
“What part the part where we had sex on camera or the part where the camera was off?” I asked.

  
“Both? Like what did it involve was it like with Uncle Ben or what it different?” He asked me.

  
“Well, each person is different so each time is a little different because I’m sure it’s no secret to you that Da makes me do stuff with different people. However it was different in another way like I was the one …,” I felt my face going red just trying to get it out, “On top.”

  
“You stuck your penis in him?” Will asked.

 

“Yeah it felt different,” I said not knowing how to explain how good it had actually felt.

  
“What did it feel like?” Will asked.

  
“Well, like I said it was different,” I said.

  
“The goofy look on your face is telling me it was a good different,” Will said.

  
“Yeah,” I said.

  
“What about after the camera was off?” He asked.

  
“Well, you know that thing was all really really can’t stand?” I asked not wanting to say the words.

  
“You mean when Ben sucks us off, yeah,” Will said, “What about…, really!” He asked, “Who did it it to whom?”

  
“Well it didn’t really happen but almost. We did make out a lot though,” I said.

  
“Oh, but did it feel weird?” Will asked, “Was it really different from what Uncle Ben and Da do?”

  
“Yes and no,” I answered, “Like all of the sensation was the same but different. I liked it but it was weird just really weird. I think I got too scared and that’s why it didn’t go farther but, it was scary in a different way. I like the way he feels on my skin but that makes me nervous I don’t know why.”

  
“Because it reminds you of bad things probably,” Will said.

  
“Yeah,” I answered, “I mean I want to be able to but it makes me feel like I can’t breathe. I always feel like I can’t breathe.”

  
“Me too. How have you been since you know and then Father Barren?” He asked.

  
“Well,” I said turning and showing him my back the stitches Vic had given me.

  
“Ouch,” He said, “What did he do?”

  
“Dug his nails into my back while he nearly suffocated me,” I said and I could feel the tears starting.

  
“I’m sorry,” Will said.

  
“He almost drowned me,” I mentioned.

  
“Are you serious?” Will asked me.

  
“Yeah, don’t tell anyone,” I said.

 

“Uncle Ben likes to make me suck him off in the pool. I almost drowned once,” Will said.

  
“I didn’t know that,” I said, “Usually he’s the one who you know.”

  
“I thought Da was more into that,” Will said.

  
“I think Da’s into anything that will make you squirm,” I answered.

  
“Da scares me, the things he says. He tells me I’m his that I belong to him,” Will told me.

  
“He says stuff like that to me too. He once told me that I’m fun and mum’s work,” I said and I could feel myself starting to cry again, “God this is so fucked up.”

  
“Yeah,” Will said, “At least he’s gone for a little while. At least we can go to the movies I’m not sure Da would let us do something like that.”

  
“Probably not, you’re not going to tell mum about Pat and I are you?” I asked, “I kind of lied and told her nothing happened besides kissing one time.”

  
“I’m not going to tell. Just because I’m hoping she won’t hate me when I fall in love with someone because I know it won’t be a girl. I don’t want her to hate me,” Will said.

  
“I don’t think mum could ever hate you Will. She loves you she’s just she’s struggling just like we are,” I said and there was a knock on the door.

  
“Come in,” I said and Pat popped his head back in.

  
“Everything ok?” He asked.

  
“Yeah, thanks John, Pat,” Will said, “I’m going to go do some homework and stuff.”

  
“Ok, we’ll talk some more later if you want all right?” I said and Will nodded his head leaving and shutting the door behind him.

  
“So what did you tell him?” Pat asked.

  
“Well, he had some questions about our level of experience,” I tried to put it delicately.

  
“What did you tell him? Though like did you give him detail?” Pat asked.

  
“He asked me what it felt like and I didn’t even really have words to describe it,” I said.

  
“You want to again?” He asked me his eyes getting that look in them.

  
“You know we shouldn’t,” I said.

  
“But it felt good yeah?” He asked straddling me kissing me lightly at first and then deeper.

  
God did I want to do that again. The feeling of being inside someone their warmth hugging you tightly in all the right ways making you unsure of where you ended and they began I wanted that feeling again and I wanted it with him but I knew what doing that could get us and that scared me because I didn’t want to take any chances of losing him. I couldn’t imagine surviving without him in any way shape or form.

  
“Would you let me?” I asked him teasing.

  
“Oh yeah,” He said nodding his head, “Would you let me do the same thing?” he asked.

  
“Yes,” I answered with no hesitation.

  
“You want to? After everyone goes to sleep?” He asked me and it sent a shiver of excitement down my spine.

  
“Maybe,” I said.

  
“Wait do you have condoms?” He asked me.

  
“No I have lube though,” I answered.

  
“Oh I forgot your Dad is…,” Pat trailed off.

  
“Not safe?” I asked.

  
“Yeah,” Pat said.

  
“I’m glad he’s gone for a while. Maybe I can be normal for a little bit,” I said.

  
“You said you have a contract holder that means he plans to make you do stuff even though he’s not here,” Pat told me sadly, “ I’ll try to make it easy for you if they want you do to movies I’ll do them with you, If you need this, you and me to slow down I understand.”

  
“We’re going at a good pace it’s I don’t know,” I said leaning my head into his chest.

  
“It’s ok Rabbit,” He said rubbing my back, “you’re ok.”

  
“Do you hate that I get nervous about you doing stuff to me?” I asked.

  
“No, never anything you don’t want me to do ever. I meant that and I still mean it ok? If you never want to have sex with me willingly I’m ok with that. I remember being in your shoes it took me forever before I let anyone do that to me but since I’m older and I outgrew a lot of them it’s easier,” Pat said.

  
“Even a girl?” I asked curious.

  
“Yeah, it fucks you up,” Pat said rubbing my shoulders, “The first time Delia went south on me I almost cried I was so nervous I mean I like flipped a lid and locked myself in her bathroom. It was intense like you remember that night that I almost did that to you?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah,” I answered, “I mean I wanted you to, I didn’t want to feel them anymore but I just…it...” I trailed off.

  
“I get it. I understand and just because I do something once doesn’t mean I have the right to do it again or you aren’t allowed to say no, you are always allowed to tell me no and I will always listen I swear,” He said and I looked up at him.

  
He wanted me to feel safe with him. He wanted me to trust him and he knew from experience that was something that was hard to do when you were one of us one of the guys in the brotherhood. I sighed and looked deeply into his eyes.

  
“What?” He asked me smiling.

  
“I really care about you,” I said before I could stop to think about it.

  
“You too,” He said kissing me leaning me backward into the pillows. I let him kiss me, his lips against mine his tongue exploring my mouth as he hands moved over my naked chest and stomach. It felt nice his hands against my skin even when he accidentally touched my bruises it was gentle and light. After a while his kisses trailed down my jaw to my neck his hands on the waist band of my jeans but not going below it, not touching me under my pants or below the waist even though something about his movements told me he would if I told him it was ok. After a while there was knock on the door and he sat up getting off me and putting some space between us.

  
I sighed, “Come in.”

  
“Hey guys,” Vic said surprising us both. We thought he had left a while ago, “I asked your mom if I would talk to you about something in private.”

  
“Huh, ok,” I said and Pat got up to leave.

  
“No Pat you can stay this concerns you too,” He said so Pat sat back down.

  
“Are we in trouble for you know?” I asked.

  
“From me? No I’m not going to say anything but I want you guys to be aware of protection,” He said.

  
“Oh geeze,” Pat said.

  
“Safe sex or no sex ok? I know they don’t always use condoms like they should which is why if you two are going to engage in sexual activities you should make sure you do. I’m not going to tell your mom I’m not going to tell anyone in the brotherhood that you two might be a thing because we all know where that leads but be discreet try not to be seen together touching, holding hands nothing. If it’s someone you don’t know well and you can’t trust don’t just don’t all right?” He warned us, “John do you have a scale in your bathroom?” he asked me.

  
“Yeah why?” I asked.

  
“I want to see your weight, you look like you’ve lost a lot of weight since the last time I saw you and there are some guys who have eating problems with everything that happens in the brotherhood so I want to check it so let’s go see your weight.” He said.  
I sat up and sighed. I knew I had lost weight but I didn’t think it was too much. I knew I was less round and soft around my stomach and that I was looking a little sharper in places like my chin and my face but I didn’t think that was on weight loss alone. I went to the bathroom and pulled the scale out from under the sink and stood on it. I looked down at the number. 93. I had only lost about 4 pounds or so.

  
“That can’t be right,” He said.

  
“Why not?” I asked.

  
“You look way too thin have you gotten taller you think? I think the last time I measured you you were around 5’1. Have you had a lot of pain in your legs lately?” He asked.

  
“A little I guess I just thought it was because of that other stuff though because my Da tends to lean into me when he,” My gaze went to the floor.

  
“Ok, it could be that but I think you might have hit a growth spurt, does your mom have a growth chart anywhere?” He asked me.

  
“The Nursery,” I answered, “I’m not sure how far up it goes though.”

 

“Let’s go check it out,” He said and we walked out of the bathroom.

  
“What’s going on?” Pat asked confused as Vic opened the door.

  
“He wanted to check my weight because I look like I lost a lot of it but apparently it’s only like five pounds so now he wants to see how tall I am,” I answered.

  
“You’ve gotten taller,” Pat said nodding his head.

  
“It doesn’t feel like it,” I said.

  
“It might not feel like it but I’m the one who looks at you every day and you’ve gotten taller, your just changing is all it’s not a bad thing.” Pat said as we walked following Vic.

  
We made it to the nursery and there it was up against the door frame the marks all the way up to the top which read 8 feet. Mum was in there with Mac doing flash cards.

  
I stood up against it, “Woah, I’m going to have to bring you into the office,” Vic said.

  
“What why?” I asked.

  
“To double check this, this says you’re close to 5’5”Vic said.

  
“It’s only been four months,” My mum said, “That can’t be right.”

  
“That’s what I’m thinking,” Vic said.

  
“Is that bad?” I asked.

  
“It’s abnormal,” Vic said, “I’ll be running some blood test I’m sure everything is fine I just want to check though, Can you bring him in Tuesday? I’ll be in the office unless I have a house call.”

  
“Yes, what if you aren’t in the office,” She said.

  
“He can see Dr. Huntz but don’t leave him alone with Dr. Huntz ok?” Vic warned my mum.

  
“Ok,” Mum said, “Are you on your way out?” She asked him.

  
“Yeah, I have to go,” Vic said, “See you Tuesday.” He said and went to the elevator to leave.

  
“John could you do me a favor and turn the oven on to 350 for me? That way I can put the chicken breast in when I get done with flash cards,” She asked me smiling.

  
“Yeah mum no problem,” I said.

  
“Thank you,” She said and I waved as we walked down the hall.

  
We walked down the hall way, “That was weird.” I said.

  
“Vic? Yeah he can be, he’s a doctor they’re all weird,” Pat said.

  
I went and turned on the oven and when I turned around I bumped into someone tiny, “Woah watch out,” I said.

  
“Sorry, I want to play,” Andrew said actually being very articulate for a two year old.

  
“Play what?” Pat asked looking at him.

  
“Cowboys,” Andy crowed.

  
“Cowboys, I better run then because I’m an Indian,” Pat said rubbing my head and then running from my baby brother as fast as he could his bare feet making a slapping sound on the wood floor, “Don’t catch me!” he shouted running down the hall and I just stood there and shook my head smiling.

  
I let Andrew and Pat chase each other around while I watched the twins play video games. I James even joined after a while with constant calls of “oh no you got me! Ha-ha I’m getting away better “echoing down the hall. I think Pat enjoyed spending time with them my little brothers and that it reminded him of his little brother who I knew he missed dearly. When dinner was ready mum called us to the kitchen where we all sat down.

  
“Why is Pat spending the night?” Catty asked after a few minutes.

  
“Well John wanted to spend some time with someone his own age and it’s ok to have friends stay over sometimes,” Mum answered, “That and Pat needs a break from home.”

  
Just then the phone rang, “Mum can I answer it?” I asked.

  
“Yeah go ahead,” Mum said smiling at me and I got up from the table to answer the phone.

  
“Hello is John there?” The person asked.

  
“It’s me,” I said.

  
“Oh hey, I heard you stole my brother,” Cole said.

  
“Yeah only for the night,” I said.

  
“Hey can I like come over and spent the night too? I know it’s weird and all that but if he’s not here and I’m still home after like 8 I’m going to the Villa and right now I just can’t deal with that shit,” Cole said.

  
“Hold on I’ll ask,” I said and then covered the receiver with my hand, “Mum Cole wants to know if he can spent the night too,” I called.

  
“Ok that’s fine,” She answered.

  
“She said yeah,” I told him.

  
“Awesome, I’m going to ride my bike over so don’t worry about picking me up, I’m telling them I’m leaving like right now so see you in like 10 minutes?” He said.

  
“Yeah sure,” I answered as Cole hung up the phone.

  
“He’s going to be here in 10 minutes and I’m almost done eating so can I go downstairs and wait for him?” I asked my mum.

  
“John, I’m not sure if that’s a good idea, your Uncle is downstairs,” She said to me and I opened my mouth to protest but Pat spoke first.

  
“I can go with him,” Pat said, “It’ll be two against one and if we don’t come back after like 15 minutes you can come looking for us.”

  
“Ok, go on then,” She said, “Avoid him though guys and be careful all right?” She said as we went towards the elevator.

  
We rode it down in silence and once we made it the second floor we walked down the stairs and into the kitchen where we both stopped dead, it was Tony.

  
“Hey kids,” Tony said smiling at us.

  
“Hi,” I said quietly.

  
“Don’t mind me I’m giving your uncle a ride to the villa,” He said, “How are things going?”

  
“We’re fine thanks,” Pat said.

  
“Hanks boy?” He asked and Pat nodded.

  
“You would be good,” He said as Pat and I exchanged nervous glances, “Relax, not tonight I have to clear it with your Dad but you’d be good you’re very handsome.”

  
“Thanks,” Pat said.

  
“You two go good together,” Tony said, “We’re almost done editing that by the way, if you guys want to make some money under the table let me know and I’ll give you cut if you do some stuff for me.” He said.

  
“Uhh,” Pat raised an eyebrow at him, “That’s not something we’re into thanks though.”

  
“Suit yourself, I’ll go through your parents then. We’ll see how it sells huh?” He asked and we heard a knock on the kitchen door.

  
I opened it and Cole was there with a huge duffle bag, “Your Dad made me bring you clothes too,” Cole said not even paying attention to Tony until he wolf whistled.

  
“Hello Adonis,” Tony said raking his eyes up and down Coles’ frame.

  
Cole went still like a deer in the headlights. I could see it in his face that Tony was one of his guys. I honestly had no idea until that moment when he froze because Cole like never froze up. The only other time I had seen him freeze up like that was in Watson’s office.

  
“Come on Cole, let’s go upstairs,” Pat said grabbing Cole’s shirt sleeve and tugging.

  
“I wouldn’t mine a minute or ten alone with you,” Tony said looking at Cole.

  
“Well, we have some stuff we have to do,” Pat said, “Come on Cole.” He said and Cole finally unfroze like he had become reanimated.

  
“Yeah, see ya,” Cole said and we all rushed out of the kitchen and upstairs into the elevator, “Oh my fucking god.” Cole said after a minute.

  
“You ok?” Pat asked him.

  
“Yeah just fuck,” Cole said, “I didn’t know your uncle was friends with Tony.”

  
“I didn’t either, I mean I’ve only seen him like once before here I think,” I said, “Usually he’s doing camera stuff.”

  
“Yeah no shit that’s what he does,” Cole said, “You know how many times he’s pointed a camera in my face?”

  
“More often than is necessary or you like?” I asked.

  
“Yeah,” Cole nodded his head, “I fucking hate that guy and he’s into kinky shit fuck,” Cole said again.

  
“Ok well he’s downstairs he’s probably leaving soon so calm down we’re safe,” I said as the door opened.

  
We walked down the hallway into the living room where Mike and Matt were still playing video games and Will was sitting in a chair reading.

  
“Hi Cole,” Will said glancing up.

  
“Hey,” Cole said sitting down on the couch, “What’s going on?”

  
“Grand theft auto,” Matt answered.

  
“Aren’t you a little young for that game?” Cole asked him.

  
“Nope,” Matt said.

  
“Ok whatever,” Cole sighed and shot Will a look.

  
“What was that?” Pat asked Cole smiling knowingly.

  
“Nothing,” Cole said.

  
I leaned into the Cole and whispered in his ear, “Will has the biggest crush on you quit checking my brother dude.”

  
“Really?” Cole said his eyes lighting up, “Hey Will,” Cole said smiling and I smacked him lightly, “Don’t hit me I was just saying hi.”

  
“You already said hi,” I commented.

  
“Come on let’s go listen to some music,” I said.

  
“Sure,” Said Pat, “I’m in it sounds fun come on Cole.”

  
“Will you want to come?” Cole asked Will without asking Pat and I if it was ok.

  
“Sure,” Will said shutting his book and setting it down on the end table next to the couch.

  
We walked to my room and I played with the radio until I found a good station. After a few minutes a song started up with a strong beat almost reminding me of a heart beat and Cole winked and stood up, “I got to dance to this,” He said and started moving.

  
I had never seen Cole dance but had heard stories and boy could he dance the way he moved his hips and his body was almost magical like the music had taken over and then the song finally started “You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you, you let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you…” it was the wildest thing I had never seen anyone move like that the way his arms became their own entity the way his hips swayed in just the right way.

  
When the song ended I was beyond shocked. Who knew someone could move like that? I heard two voices break out into hysterical laughter when it ended, “I told you!” Pat shouted at me, “I told you he could dance.”

  
“Yes, you did,” I said nodding my head.

  
“I feel like I owe you dinner,” Will said which made me start laughing too.

  
“It was all for you,” He said to Will.

  
“Me?” Will asked confused.

  
“I think you’re cute,” Cole said winking at him.

  
“Oh god, that’s my brother,” I moaned.

  
“So he’s like my brother and I know you’re getting down and dirty with him,” Cole said pointing at Pat.

  
“Yeah but he’s our age and Will is like 10,” I said.

  
“So? I’m only 13, almost 14,” Cole said.

  
“I’m almost 11,” Will reminded me.

  
“I don’t care,” I said, “It’s not happening.”

  
“You’re not my boss,” Will said looking at me defiantly and then he walked up to Cole and grabbed him by the neck kissing him.

  
“HOLY SHIT!” Pat yelled and Will let go of Cole and walked away smiling leaving Cole standing there frozen open mouthed.

  
Pat started rolling on the floor with laughter, “That was great. I haven’t seen a 10 year old with balls that big ever.”

  
“That was…, nice,” Cole said after a second.

  
“Don’t chase my brother I will tell my mum and you will be sent home got it?” I warned Cole.

  
“I didn’t kiss him!” Cole protested.

  
“You didn’t stop him from kissing you though,” I said.

  
“I won’t go after him, I’m dealing with shit ok?” Cole said shaking his head, “He’s cute though.”

  
“Eww,” I said.

  
“He is your brother so I don’t think you’re supposed to find him cute Rabbit,” Pat said smiling at me, “You guys have the same eyes though.”

  
“Mum’s eyes,” I sighed.

  
“Yes, I noticed,” Pat said, “You all have her eyes besides Matt he has blue eyes,” Pat commented.

  
“Man, this night is going to be annoying,” Pat commented looking at Cole.

  
“I wasn’t going to the Villa man I don’t give a fuck if I’m ruining your alone time right now, I can go hang with Will if you like,” He said smiling at me.

  
“Are you planning on making out with him?” I asked seriously.

  
“No, that wouldn’t be the plan,” Cole said, “If it happened though could you blame me?”

  
“Fuck yes, he’s 10!” I said.

  
“Ok fine, I won’t make out with him. I’ll tell him kissing is a no ok? You want me to leave?” Cole asked.

  
“I’m not sure I trust you with my brother now,” I said and Pat laughed.

  
“Your brother is more mature then the three of us put together, I’m sure Will can handle a little crush,” Pat said.

  
“I don’t care he’s my brother!” I said again.

  
“Ok, so what should we do?” Pat asked me giving me those eyes again.

  
“Oh god,” I said.

  
“NO look!” Cole warned us, “No I’m not going to sit here and watch you look at each other like that no. Not happening so if you want me to stay here with you two and not go hang out with your brother who I may or may not end up kissing because it’s been a while since I got some from someone I actually was looking forward to getting it from so if you don’t so….”

  
“Ok, poker?” I asked.

  
“Yeah let’s play strip poker,” Pat said and I smiled.

  
“No, no keep your clothes on dear god and you are already missing a shirt which doesn’t help him and his eye problem he has,” Cole said to me.

  
“I was told to air out my back,” I said turning around and showing him my stitches.

  
“Ah, I didn’t notice those,” Cole said looking them carefully, “Father Barren?”

  
“Yeah,” I said.

  
“How did that go by the way?” Cole asked me.

  
I shrugged, “As good as it was going to I guess, I didn’t die even though I felt like I might.”

  
“Sorry,” Cole sighed, “Do you think he’s still down there?”

  
“Who?” I asked.

  
“Tony,” Cole answered.

  
“I don’t know, My Uncle isn’t exactly known for being reliable so for all I know they decided to stay here and are downstairs waiting for my mum to go to bed or a chance to drug her so he can have free reign of the house which he does anyway because mum won’t let anyone downstairs with him here. Not anyone that’s old enough to walk away from her anyway,” I said.

  
“He has a thing for me,” Cole said.

  
“Yeah I caught that,” I commented.

  
“You know how we talked about when it first happened when my Dad turned?” Cole asked me.

  
“Yeah.”

  
“Well,” Cole sighed, “My Dad’s friend who …,”

  
“That was Tony?” I asked shocked.

  
Cole swallowed and nodded his head in response. I had no idea that was Tony even though if anyone would be handing people alcohol so he could fondle their kid it would be Tony. I couldn’t believe it.

  
“Do you know why?” I asked.

  
“Why he has a thing for me no, probably one of the same reasons Hank has one for you I’m his type,” Cole answered shrugging his shoulders.

  
“I will never understand that, it’s so sick I mean how can you find a person that’s like 10 or more years younger than you are hot?” I asked, “I can’t imagine looking at one of my brothers if I was and thinking I’d tap that, like what the fuck kind of mind set do you have to have in order to be like that?”

  
“I don’t know,” Pat shrugged his shoulders, “I don’t get it at all.”

  
“Don’t ask me,” Cole said, “Man I need a smoke.”

  
“We could go down to the 3rd floor,” I said, “I’m not sure my mum would care she’s usually super busy with the babies so…”

  
“Ok,” Cole said getting up, “Come on if I get caught by Tony I’m not going down alone.”

  
“We wouldn’t let that happen,” Pat frowned, “When would I ever let that happen to you?”

  
“I know I was just saying,” Cole said.

  
Pat and I both got up off the bed and we went downstairs to the third floor and opened up the French doors on the balcony. We smoked a couple of cigarettes and then turned on the TV and ended up watching a late movie an old one. We were just chilling and I heard the elevator kick on so we turned off the TV and the lights and waited to see if they were going to stop on our floor and if it was going down or up.

  
The elevator kept going to where ever it was without stopping and we all sighed turning the TV back on, “Was that your mom?” Cole asked me.

  
“Had to be if it wasn’t without a code this is as high as the elevator goes,” I answered.

“Are there stairs to up here?” Cole asked.

  
“Yeah, around the corner near the 2nd guest room up here why?” I asked.

  
“Doesn’t that mean that they could sneak up on us?” Cole asked.

  
“I guess they could,” I said, “Want to head back upstairs?”

  
“Yeah I think we should,” Cole said.

  
“Ok,” I said and grabbed Pat by the hand, “Let’s go upstairs.”

  
“Can’t you give him your code so we can spent some time together?” He asked me, “No offense Cole but…,”

  
“None taken,” Cole said, “What’s your code?”

  
“4915,” I answered him, “Don’t kiss my brother.”

  
“I swear,” Cole said, “See you guys in a few?”

  
“Yeah, we’ll be up in a little bit,” Pat answered and Cole went and shut the door behind him. Leaving us alone.

 


	28. 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pat and John get interrupted and end receiving a warning and some back lash for their in digressions where John ends up injured meaning a trip to the hospital. When he gets there he earns a warning after being reminded of Dr. Jefferies death and how he feels he is to blame. John gets blamed for some of Will's behaviors by mum which causes John to have an outbursts and confront his mother about some feelings he is having. Mum tells John of her plans to try and leave again and he contemplates how to get a hold of the money the might need in order to make it happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 631-658 Warnings: Underage sexual activity, underage kissing, rape/non-con, talking of rape/non-con,swearing,hospitals, talk of priest abuse, talk of prostitution. Not a lot to say here but hoping to tie up posting part one in the next two weeks or so considering there is only 159 pages left. Who knows if I'm not too busy this week maybe I'll be able to finish up before the week is out.

Pat kissed the back of my neck making me feel all warm and tingly, “What’s that about?” I asked him.

  
“I so want to jump your bones,” He said as I turned around hugging him.

  
“You do?” I asked him kissing him deeply on the lips.

  
“Yeah, if you want me to,” He said kissing my collar bone hard forcing me back against the bed into the pillows.

  
I rolled over so I was on top of him, “Want if I want to jump yours instead?” I asked him.

  
He stared at me his mouth slightly gaping as my hands went to his pants waiting for his permission to undo them. I leaned in and kissed him his hands sliding down the back of my Khaki’s touching my ass lightly. I pulled his shirt over his head and he didn’t move to stop me or hesitate.

  
“Do we have condoms?” He asked me.

  
“Here, yeah the night stand,” I pointed at the night stand where I knew my Uncle kept a bottle of lube and some condoms just in case, “Can I?” I asked my hands going back to his pants.

  
He bit his lip his lip ring shifting under the bite and then he nodded his head smiling, “Yes.” He answered.

  
I shifted my weight undoing his zipper and he lifted his hips so I could pull his pants off and we continued kissing for a while I tried to feel every inch of his body I could like I was trying to commit the curves of his back and the feel of his shoulders to memory with my lips and before I knew it we were both naked gasping for breath staring at each other.

  
“Should we?” I asked him and he nodded his head in response reaching over and into the drawer and then BOOM! The door bursts open bouncing off the wall behind it and we jumped apart both grabbing at the covers underneath us in order to cover our nakedness.

  
“Well, what do we have here?” Uncle Ben quipped observing what he had walked in on, “This,” He smiled evilly, “This is something.”

  
“Uncle Ben it’s not what you thi…” He cut me off.

  
“I’m sure it’s exactly what I think. You boys looking to die?” He asked.

  
Just then Tony came around the corner, “My my,” Tony said, “What do we have here? Do you guys have permission to do this?” He asked us even though he knew the answer well enough just by looking at the guilty looks on our faces.

  
“Well?” Uncle Ben asked, “Answer the question.”

  
“No,” I said shaking my head, “ I’m sorry.” I answered.

  
“Tony what do you think do we tell their Dad’s? Because I know Connor wouldn’t be so happy to hear about this,” Ben smiled at us.

  
“They are good together, you’ve seen the raw footage we’re editing, what do you think?” Tony asked and it took me a minute to understand.

  
He was talking about having us perform again in front of the cameras. Doing the same thing we had done before. I wasn’t sure how Pat felt but I personally felt if it kept us both from being skinned alive I was ok with it, it wasn’t like it would be real not in the same way as what we had almost done alone together in private.

  
“I think you’re onto something,” Ben said looking at Tony.

  
“You guys want to come downstairs and we can maybe work something out here?” He asked us.

  
I looked at Pat closely before I said anything and he nodded his head slightly, “Yeah,” I said.

  
“Ok, Let’s go,” Uncle Ben said as I moved to put on my underwear, “Nope you guys can leave that here it’s nothing we haven’t seen before.” He said.

  
Pat squeezed my hand put stood up allowing the sheet to fall off of him so he was standing on front of them naked. His hand giving me the confidence to do the same. I was nervous about this but I knew if we didn’t do it we would be in more trouble than I could possibly imagine. We walked downstairs to the basement naked and into the red room with the beds in it where we had been before. The camera was already set up pointing at one and Tony gestured to it.

  
“Ok,” Tony sighed hitting a button causing a little red light to light up on the side of it, “I want John on bottom first.” He said, “Can we start with some kissing action, try to pretend we’re not even here.”

  
“Ok,” Pat said looking at the camera as we both sat down.

  
“No pretend I’m not here don’t stare at the camera,” Tony sighed, “Look at him,” He pointed at me, “Kiss him, make him squirm a little then fuck him. Condoms are right there,” he pointed at the night stand and sure enough there was a bottle of lube and some condoms already on the nightstand beside us.

  
I laid back on the bed and took a deep breath trying to calm myself knowing they were watching us, that there was a camera pointed at us. I closed my eyes trying to steady myself because I could feel my body shaking just like it had the first time we had done this only it was my turn to get it up the ass again.

  
Pat leaned in kissing my cheek and then my neck and in-between kisses he whispered in my ear, “Its ok, I’m sorry.” He tried to go slow, calm but I think he was just as scared as I was that if we took too long they would go back on their deal.  
After he got me going his hands touching my body in all the right places he started rubbing me taking my penis gently in his hands making me gasp. For a minute I felt panicked. I wanted him to stop but only for a second before I realized what telling him to stop would mean, “I’m sorry Rabbit,” He whispered in my ear as quietly as he could reading my body language and I nodded my head.

  
I knew he didn’t want to do this because he was very aware that I didn’t want him to but he had to. His kisses started trailing down the side of my body starting at my collar bone each kiss feather light and gentle but still making my stomach queasy making me want to stop him. When he kissed my hip I made a noise somewhere between a whimper and a hiss and he sighed coming back up to my neck and kissing me while he whispered in my ear “You want me to ask if you can be on top?”  
“Hey enough talking,” Tony said making us look up the camera pointed at us. I felt exposed looking at the camera pointed at us. I didn’t want to do this and I felt so stupid for getting caught. So stupid for not going back upstairs with Cole when he had gone but I had wanted so desperately to be alone with Pat to run my hands over his skin.

  
Pat grabbed me by the neck pressing my forehead against his, “I’m so sorry Rabbit, try to forgive me.” He said and then restarted kissing down my body, kissed my hip it sent a shiver up my spine making me tense. I wasn’t sure about this, not that. I had resigned myself to doing the other stuff but not that.

  
“Pat?” I questioned. And he looked up seeing in the hesitation in my face and he nodded his head in response and let me go shuffling himself over to the end table where the condoms and lube were. He had changed his mind and wasn’t going to do it. I breathed a sigh of relief.

  
“You’re not going to do it? Don’t you want him to enjoy himself?” Ben scoffed at Pat, “Tony pause.” He said and Tony sighed heavily hitting the button and walking away, “You should always suck them off first always, it gets them up and helps them relax.”  
“He doesn’t want me to I’m not going to,” Pat said.

  
“I don’t care what he wants, it’s what you should do,” Ben told him.

  
“I won’t!” Pat said adamantly.

  
“Then I will,” He said coming over to the bed.

  
“No!” I said trying to move away as he starting coming towards me from the foot of the bed, “No! Don’t,” I said as he grabbed me by the knees pulling me towards him. He inched his way towards me prying my legs apart by the knees hard his hands burning like cold fire my skin slightly red where his fingers were clawing at my legs.

  
“Just relax,” My Uncle said touching me where he shouldn’t lifting up my penis and his lips coming down and gently kissing me underneath.

  
I gasped in surprise. That was the first time anyone had done that to me when I was this close to sober and the sensation was that much stronger, raw and sensitive. I couldn’t believe this was happening.

  
I looked at Pat and I could feel my face was flushed and knew my eyes were wide. I wanted to scream but I felt like I couldn’t fight back that I had to let him do this to me. Pat suddenly jumped up and taped my uncle on the shoulder and then when he turned to look at Pat, Pat punched him right across the face. I swear the whole room froze and my uncle got off of me.

  
“Did you really just sock me?” Ben hissed at him.

  
“He said no, I said no you’re not doing it,” Pat said to him bravely not an ounce of fear in his voice.

  
Uncle Ben reached over and grabbed Pat by the throat nearly lifting him up off the ground, “I’ll do what I want with him and to him and to you unless you want your name in that bowl and want yourself blown to bits or to watch it happen to him I suggest you go sit in the corner until I’m done and when I’m done you’re going to put on that condom and fuck him up the ass until he’s screaming in pleasure and he comes all over both of you, you got it?” he said dropping Pat as his face had started turning blue.

  
Pat laid on the ground and didn’t get back up his eyes closed as he tried to catch his breath. My Uncle came back over to me. I knew it was going to happen this time. I froze up but allowed him to push his way in-between my knees so he could lay down comfortably and he started again doing what he had done before and then rubbing me lightly before he licked my tip making me jump. I didn’t want this. I left him do it though my head feeling heavy and filled with static as the shocks went up and down my body and I tried to shut it out and not enjoy it, not react to it but I found myself reacting the way I always reacted biting my lip to keep myself from making sounds letting them know how good it felt my whole face warm with shame as he did it until I was close to climax and then he stopped.

  
“Come here,” Ben said grabbing Pat and throwing him at the bed by my feet throwing a condom in his face and putting the lube on the bed next to us, “get to,” He hissed and Tony turned the camera back on.

  
Pat sighed looking at me and then kissed me, “I’m so sorry.” He said and I could almost hear the tears in his voice as he slide the condom on and then put lube on his fingers sliding one into me and working it in slowly making my eyes go wide my mouth gape. I knew they were watching that this was for them and not for us but to my body it still felt the same as he added a second finger and worked that one in to bumping up against my prostate lightly sending a jolt through my body that made me moan lightly.

  
“Just try to relax,” Pat told me and I nodded my head as he moved himself between my legs and pushed his penis against my anus slowly entering.

  
“Oh,” I said before I could stop myself as he pushed in all the way and then pulled out. He started thrusting in and out hitting that spot that made my eyes roll over and over again making me gasp in pleasure. Oh my god how could it feel so good and not make me feel guilty.

  
“Yeah?” Pat whispered to me smiling.

  
“Oh fuck,” I moaned becoming less and less aware of Tony and Uncle Ben watching closing my eyes pretending it was just him and me and no one else. We did it until Pat climaxed and I managed to climax with him coating my stomach in my own cum as Pat released inside me. We laid together breathless staring at each other until Tony jumped on the bed with us starling us both making us jump.

  
“That was good,” Tony said, “Can you two do me a favor?”

  
“What?” Pat sighed.

  
“Go get your friend,” Tony said, “He gets me going his body, I love sucking his cock and then watching his blond head bob up and down on mine.”

  
“Nope,” Pat said.

  
“Come on,” Tony said and then looked at me, “I guess I could do things to him instead, he does have a beautiful body. I just don’t like using popular ones if it gets out I make less money and the leader doesn’t like that.”

  
I sat up and went to get off the bed but Tony grabbed me by the arm pulling me back down. I swallowed hard. I didn’t want to do that. I was tired and sticky and so over being used by that point.

  
“I could suck your cock,” Pat said looking at Tony.

  
“You’re not my type,” Tony commented and then looked at me, “You ever done 69?”

  
I avoided his gaze I was not doing that. I was not doing that. That was not something that appealed to me at all.

  
“Do you know Pat?” Tony asked him.

  
“Leave him alone Tony,” Pat pleaded for me, “I mean he’s just a kid.”

  
“He’s not that much younger then you. I mean he’s only done three movies so he’s not that used. How many guys have you been with now?” Tony asked turning to me.

  
“A dozen I think,” I answered feeling sick to my gut going over the names and faces in my head as best I could.

  
“You’re still pretty fresh then,” He said before shoving his tongue down my throat catching me by surprise. I pushed at him trying to push him off and wondered why Pat wasn’t trying to defend me and then I looked out of the corner of my eye and my Uncle Ben was wrestling with Pat trying to get him over to the other bed. Tony’s mouth moved to my neck.

  
“Stop,” I told him still trying to push him off and then he reached behind me and grabbed something even though I couldn’t see what it was I only knew what it was when I felt him fasten it around my wrists, he was restraining me.  
“Just lay back,” he said cuffing up my other hand. I hated this about Tony and Hank they had a thing about restraining people.

  
He sniffed my neck and moaned, “You smell great. I’ll teach you how to 69, you know what that is?” He asked me.

  
I knew what it was I wasn’t stupid but I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to suck his dick I didn’t want that hairy sweaty, pissy, smelly nut sack anywhere near my face let alone in my mouth and I didn’t want him touching me either.  
“It’s when you suck each other off at the same time,” He answered the question for himself, the best part about this? You still don’t have any hair so it’s nice and smooth no scratchiness because you don’t have to shave it off yet.: He turned so his ass was in my face and his face was in my crotch and kissed my pubic bone making me jerk at the chains around my wrists I didn’t want this.

  
“No!” I said loudly as I felt his mouth go around me, “FUCK!” I screaming trying to kick or knee him in the face but he was too strong and dug his elbows into my legs. I screamed and kept trying to fight until the sensations over took me and I could no longer fight anymore. He left me gasping and shivering and got up off of me going over to my Uncle Ben and Pat. I could tell they were hurting him and it killed me being strapped down and unable to help him but there was nothing I could do. He didn’t make a sound as they violated him and when they were done they told him he could go.

  
“What about him?” Pat asked referring to me.

  
“I want to spent some time with him,” Uncle Ben said, “We’re going to make another movie aren’t we Tony?” He said.

  
“Can’t you just let him go?” Pat pleaded for me, “Is that anything you want me to do that would make you let him go?”

  
“You can watch,” My Uncle said coming over to me and kissing my neck he then whispered in my ear, “I’m going to fuck you so hard that you’ll be begging for your daddy.”

  
I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. Not after Father Barren and not after Pat. I couldn’t do this. I knew I couldn’t do this, not hard. I would do anything to make it easier on myself because I was beyond sore but I didn’t want Pat to see it happen.  
“Pat,” I said, “Just go, use the com to call upstairs and have Will come get you.”

  
“John I’m not leaving you here,” Pat said.

  
“Just go!” I said to him.

  
“John come on I…”

  
“Pat just fucking go!” I pleaded with him.

  
“What if I sucked him off?” Pat asked them suddenly.

  
“NO!” I said, “We’re not doing that not like this.”

  
“Interesting,” Ben said smiling, “I think I want him too much though.”

  
I swallowed Pat wasn’t giving me a choice in this I just hoped he wouldn’t find me disgusting after it was all said and done, “ If you get these chains off me of I’ll be good.” I said in a hushed voice.

  
“You will?” Ben asked me.

  
“Yeah whatever you want,” I said even though I could feel that my eyes were wet.

  
“Tony want to have a Johnny sandwich?” Ben asked Tony and I knew this was going to hurt but not as bad as they would make it considering I was already stretched out.

  
“Would I ever?” Tony asked coming over and undoing the chains around my wrist as Uncle Ben handed him a condom.

  
“Come on,” Pat said again, “You know he doesn’t want to.”

  
“He just said he would,” Ben said to Pat, “You don’t want to see it leave.”

  
“Fine,” Pat said, “You want to tell on us that’s fine. I’ll take whatever you guys want to do to me but let him go.”

  
Tony moved so he was on top of me instead of Uncle Ben and started kissing me his hands grabbing roughly at my hips. I didn’t want to do this Pat was right but I would if I thought it would give them what they wanted and keep him safe while saving me the trouble of chains. I knew it was going to hurt, to be rough but if it meant after I could go upstairs and drink myself into a stupor I was fine with that because it meant Pat and I would be alive and that none of my brothers or Cole would be dealing with it. He stuck his tongue in my mouth tasting like ash and smoke as he pushed my knees into my chest. I took a deep breath and tried to relax as he entered me and still ended up hissing in pain. Pat and Ben were still talking but I was trying to ignore them trying to ignore everything.

  
“God you feel amazing,” Tony cooed into my ear pushing hard.

  
“OUCH!” I screamed.

  
“Hurts?” He asked doing it again causing me to instinctively go to push him off using my legs to try and kick him forward, “No you said you would no matter what. I wouldn’t mind a little fight though.” He said as I kept trying to push him off.  
“Stop,” I said quietly and I could feel something was really wrong something wasn’t right and I was not enjoying this in anyway shocks going through my body.

  
All of the sudden a door slammed and Ben was above me to reaching in-between Tony and I grabbing my penis and the leaning down sticking it in his mouth. I felt like my eyes were bulging out of my head and my heart was stopping. This hurt but then everything felt so mixed up my whole body misfiring.

  
“No,” I said shaking my head my hands going to my Uncle Ben I managed to punch him upside the head but he grabbed both my wrists and started to squeeze hard and then I felt a pop in my wrists sending white hot pain up my arm.  
“You don’t stop we will make it hurt,” Tony warned me.

  
“It already hurts,” I moaned and Tony turned his angle hitting something the right way making me go silent just then there was banging on the door.

  
“YOU LET HIM THE FUCK GO BEN NOW!” My mum screamed from the other side of the door making both Tony and Ben freeze in place.

  
“That little shit,” Tony hissed.

  
“LET HIM GO OR I WILL CALL THE COPS!” She warned.

  
“GO AHEAD I’M SURE HANK WOULD LOVE A PIECE OF THIS ACTION!” He answered.

  
“I’ll call Connor and let him know what you’re doing,” She tried more quietly.

  
At that Ben got up and opened up the door as Tony pulled up his pants and threw a blanket over me.

  
“Who did you think gave me permission to do this Danielle?” He asked, “I’m supposed to keep them in line.”

  
“That’s doesn’t mean pimping them out and raping them,” She hissed.

  
“No, you’re wrong that’s exactly what it means,” Ben said, “You want to watch your son cum? Watch him squirm and his eyes roll into the back of his head as he hits his peak then stick around.” He smiled at her turning around and coming back over to Tony and me.

  
“Don’t you dare,” She said pulling something out of her pocket and pointing it at him.

  
He laughed, “A spray bottle? What’s in there something to wet my hair?” He asked before she sprayed some at him and he started screaming in pain.

  
“Homemade pepper spray, you want some too you asshole or are you going to leave my son alone?” She said looking at Tony who started to back away from me.

  
It felt like Pat appeared from nowhere at that point and he came up and grabbed me pulling the sheet with us, “You’re ok now.” He told me. As I clung to him my knees feeling weak my whole body feeling battered.

  
“I think he broke my wrist,” I told Pat.

  
“All right, it’s ok we’ll make sure it’s taken care of Rabbit don’t worry,” He said wrapping my arm around his shoulder and his arm around my back to support me as I hobbled with him.

  
Mum came up behind us, “Come on guys let’s get upstairs, third floor we need to talk.”

  
I sighed, “What did we do?” I whispered.

  
“It’s not what we did trust me,” Pat answered.

  
I laughed lightly and then winced in pain. I knew Cole was an asshole. I was going to kill him. This wasn’t good. None of this was good and mum was going to blame us for this? Awesome.

  
“You know?” Pat asked.

  
“It’s Cole of course I know dude, I’m going to kill your brother,” I said.

  
“No you’re not,” Pat said, “You know how this goes. We get yelled at called freaks, told we’re taking the first train to hell and then eventually everything cools down. She’s just mad.”

  
We got the elevator and rode up to the third floor in silence. My mum not really looking at either of us. This was going to be awesome I could tell and in the meantime my ass was sore, my body was overstimulated to the point where Pat touching me hurt and my wrists which had just healed was probably broken again, my knees felt weak everything below my waist was slightly numb and I couldn’t deal with this bullshit. Life had just gotten very fun for me. Once we got upstairs and into the suite Pat helping me onto the bed my mum exhaled loudly.

  
“You’re bad behavior is rubbing off,” She stated folding her arms across her chest showing how clearly upset she was.

  
“What bad behavior?” I asked.

  
“Well it’s not your love for the bottle that’s rubbed off,” She said and I snorted.

  
“You can’t blame me for that,” I said.

  
“I caught your 11 year old brother making out with your friend. Where do you think he got the idea that type of behavior was ok John? Probably you two,” She said.

  
“Maybe he got it from our Uncle who has never had a date in his life but likes fucking little boys or maybe he got from our Da who tells me constantly I’m fun and your work? Maybe just maybe he actually thinks Cole is hot who knows? But you can’t put that on me or on him,” I hissed.

  
“Excuse me? What does your uncle have to do with any of this? Or the fact that your Da is a pervert who can’t keep his hands to himself? No this is on you if you didn’t do it he wouldn’t think it was acceptable,” She said.

  
“It’s not the first guy he’s made out with,” I said and Pat eyed me weirdly.

  
“What?” I asked both of them.

  
“How would you…,” Pat stopped his eyes going wide as he realized what I was implying, “Oh, yikes.”

  
“Yeah, it was great our Da loved it,” I said.

  
“John what are you saying?” She asked.

  
“Mum you don’t know what he’s like not with us. You have no idea,” I replied.

  
“John just tell me unless Pat wants to because he apparently knows what you’re saying, you care to enlighten me?” She asked Pat.

  
Pat sighed running a hand through his hair, “Well, obviously you know they have no problem with father son incest what do you think they make brothers do?”

  
“Are you saying you had sex with your brother?” Mum asked me her face going white.

  
“No not yet,” I sighed, “It’s only a matter of time though I mean if you really think about it. Da can’t keep his hands to himself and it’s not like we haven’t … Da is handsy ok? He is he doesn’t care if you want him to touch you or not if he wants to hug you he’ll hug you if he wants to kiss you he’ll stick his tongue down your throat he doesn’t care who is there. It’s not something I’m happy to admit but you know what I’ve taken one for Will plenty of times since I can remember ok? It’s not his fault he’s fucked up and it’s not mine so don’t put the fact that he wants to make out with boys on me mum because it’s not me. Who the hell knows maybe that’s just how he was born and this fucked up shit we have to deal with makes it seem like it’s not a big deal to him and I personally don’t think it is. I know this Catholic, Christian its wrong god hates fags is your way of dealing with life because it’s so fucked up but this isn’t on me. Maybe you need to accept how fucked up our lives are and just let us have what little control over our lives we’re allowed all right?”

  
Just then mum looked at me and smacked me across the face the whole room fell dead silent. I looked at her and she looked like she had surprised herself.

  
“Don’t talk to me like that I’m your mother,” She said.

  
“Yeah, your my mother and yet you constantly throw me at Da so no one else has to deal with him even you,” I said and I could feel tears of anger coming, “You think I don’t know that? You think I don’t realize it’s easier to just hand me over to him on a silver platter then deal with 3 babies, 2 toddlers and everyone and everything else?” I said, “Because guess what I take care of them too I change diapers, I make dinner, and while you sit around in your room sleeping and blocking the world out guess who plays Barbie’s with your daughter and tea party and guess who comforts James when he’s shutting down because he can’t deal with this with Uncle Ben?”

  
“It’s not me throwing you at him. I don’t know why you think that I just can’t always be there,” She said, “I don’t want you do this, I don’t want this to be your life. I want out of here just as badly as you do why don’t you get that John. And having you away from him and Will away from Cole is just a bonus.”

  
“Why exactly do you think we’re having sex or making out or whatever when I have told you repeatedly we aren’t?” I asked her.

  
“I may have never been a teenage boy but I’ve known plenty in my time and I was once a teenage girl if you don’t remember,” She said, “I’m not stupid.”

  
“We’re not having sex!” I told her and Pat just looked at me.

  
“What we’re not!” I said.

  
“Yes, I know we’re not,” Pat said, “Are you going to tell her what we have done since you seem to finally be telling her everything else?” He asked me.

  
I snorted, “Oh lovely what is this shit on me time? What the fuck Pat?” I asked.

  
“Young man, watch your language,” My mum warned.

  
“What I literally don’t kiss and tell, like literally I don’t really talk about it because you know how much trouble we can get in if your mum tells your Dad? You have any idea? You want to die?” He asked me.

  
“Maybe I do yeah? So?” I said.

  
Mum sighed deeply pressing her fingers to her temples. She didn’t look happy she looked tired, anxious and frustrated, “Ok, calm down John. You can’t mean that.”

  
“Don’t I? Did you just get fucked in the ass three times today or am I missing something?” I asked.

  
“Three times?” My mum asked me and nodded my head.

  
“Was one of them with him?” She asked and I rolled my eyes. “You just told me you weren’t having sex but now you’re saying you are?”

  
“It’s not real sex when you have a camera pointed in your face are being told if you don’t do it they’ll get someone else who will ok?” I said.

  
“What do you mean someone else?” She asked confused.

  
“If I don’t do what they want me to you want to know what they tell me mum? They tell me they are going to get Will, or the twins or James heck once they even threatened Malachy you think I would let that happen or do you think I would bend over and take it?” I hissed at her.

  
“I didn’t know that,” She said to me.

  
“Yeah, I know you didn’t. I thought with him gone life would be easier he’s been gone one fucking day and it’s worse. It’s so much worse and you wonder why I want to kill myself or die? Really?” I spat.

  
“Rabbit,” Pat breathed ignoring the fact that my mum was there, “Please, I know you’re not angry you’re hurt and you’re upset please calm down.” He said his eyes sad begging me.

  
I sighed feeling exhausted from the spill of words like lava bursting from a volcano, he was right I wasn’t really angry with my mum at all I was angry with myself and that I had to deal with this shit and there was nothing I could do to stop it. That’s why I had cut myself at that point but it had only been once that’s why I constantly had my face in a bottle whenever no one was looking and that’s why I felt so hopeless and so stuck. We had tried leaving but that didn’t work. I didn’t know what else to do.  
Pat hugged me climbing into the bed with me holding me lightly his fingers brushing the stitches on my back, “You’re ok. We’ll figure this out all right?”

  
“John,” My mum sighed sitting down at the foot of the bed, “We’re going to get out of here all right? And this time when we do again we won’t be coming back. We will get out of this and your brothers and you, I’ll get you help you’ll have normal lives. Just hold on for me ok?”

  
“That’s easy for you to say he don’t hear the things they say, you don’t have their hands running down your skin making your stomach twist. You don’t have to bite the inside of your cheek as they touch you everywhere and you make you feel things you don’t want to feel,” I said quietly.

  
“That’s one thing I don’t get,” She said looking at both of us, “How can you want to do those things with each other when you already deal with so much of it already? What’s the appeal? I’m just asking because I want to understand. I’m not going to say anything more about it I just want to get it.”

  
“How do I explain it?” I sighed, “Him,” I said looking at Pat, “He feels different mum his hands feel warm and soft like a blanket or a warm shower that washes it all away. He erases them from my skin so I don’t have to feel them anymore. It’s not even sex mum it’s something else that I don’t know how to explain to you. I don’t know how to make you understand that.”

  
She looked at both of us his hands still around me and she watched us intently for a minute. She sighed sadly, “You shouldn’t feel that way about another guy John and neither should your brothers.”

  
“I can’t help it mum,” I said, “Please if you can’t deal with think of us as just close friends and nothing more.”

  
“I’ll try looking the other way for now,” She said after a minute, “I however have rules to this ok? You need to try hanging out with girls. You’re going to the dance next week with a girl I don’t care what one find one ask her go have fun, maybe kiss her be a gentleman though all right? Talk to your brother tell him he’s too young for this. I realize things are happening I get it and I know I won’t ever understand how that makes any of you boys feel but he’s too young so please talk to him about it. You can still hang out but no more sleep overs after tonight unless there is some type of emergency then I will carefully reconsider but doors open, no more running around unclothed and while your Da is gone don’t come downstairs unless it’s coming to and from school. You understand me?”

  
“Yes, mum,” I said.

“How did they get a hold of you two anyway?” She asked, “Why wasn’t Cole with you?”

  
“That was me,” Pat sighed, “We were hanging out down here and I sent him upstairs so we could spend some time together.”

  
“No more alone time,” Mum sighed, “If you get caught at school you will end up expelled.”

  
“That wouldn’t be so bad,” I said.

  
“Excuse me?” She asked confused.

  
“You haven’t told her?” Pat asked me tilting my chin up so I was looking at his face.

  
“I can’t,” I said.

  
“Tell me what?” She asked softly her expression softening around the edges. I could tell from her expression she knew whatever it was, was just more pain she had to try and help me carry more hurt I had to deal with and that she would know it was there even if I never said another word about it.

  
“Can I tell her?” Pat asked and I nodded my head burying my face in his chest and clenching my eyes shut hoping that if my eyes were closed my ears would stop working too. Pat rubbed my shoulders my body shaking under his hands. I didn’t want to face this, “Rabbit, I won’t tell her if you don’t want me to.” He whispered into my neck his lips grazing against my skin just barely. I knew he wanted to kiss me, to comfort me more than he was but he wouldn’t because she was watching.  
I felt the bed shift as mum moved close to us her hand going into my hair rubbing my head trying to calm me with Pat, “Oh love,” She breathed, “I won’t be upset not with you whatever it is. Tell me please, you shouldn’t have to deal with whatever it is alone.”

  
“I can’t,” I said.

  
“But can I?” Pat asked me again.

  
I nodded my head reluctantly.

  
Pat sighed with relief, “The school the people who do this to us, they run the school.” He said simply.

  
“What do you mean run the school?” She asked softly.

  
“Some of the fathers are members they give you bad marks if you don’t do what they want. Most of John’s teachers are not good guys. There is one teacher he has that’s pretty nice and I’ve talked to him about some stuff and he told me he’s going to try to pull some strings to get some of the others transferred so that they can’t hurt him anymore but it hasn’t been easy for him,” Pat answered causing me to look up.

  
“What?” I asked.

  
“Dom told me what happened with Finick and that it’s not getting easier so I went to father Dunbee and I told him some stuff. I didn’t tell him it was you but, I told him about some of the stuff I know is happening and he told me he’s going to try and take care of it.” Pat answered.

  
“You’re sure you didn’t tell him who?” I asked to make sure.

  
“Yes, rabbit I’m sure I wouldn’t drop your name ok?” Pat tried to reassure me.

  
“Patrick,” my mum said looking at him, “I have a question for you.”

  
“Yes ma’am?” He asked.

  
“Do you love my son?” She asked him taken us both by surprise.

  
“Well” Pat said slowly, “I haven’t ever felt this way about anyone before. I really care about him and knowing he’s hurting that he’s in pain and there’s nothing I can really do to make it stop rips me apart inside.”

  
My mum nodded, “Ok,” she answered and sighed and then added, “This, the holding, the cuddling I’m ok with that, hand holding fine but no kissing, no making out, none of that stuff understand?”

  
“Yes ma’am,” He said nodding his head.

  
She sighed deeply, “Aye shite. Lord forgive me that I’m letting this go on but I don’t know what else to do.”

  
“I don’t think God minds mum,” I said, “I think he understands why I’m like this and that he forgives me. You need to talk to Will. He probably thinks you hate him did you flip out when you found them?”

  
“He’s 10 John, I didn’t know what else to do yeah I was probably a little harsher then I should have been but he’s too young.” She answered me.

  
“Tell that to Uncle Ben because and Will is so going to hate me for telling you this but I know he’s not going to, Uncle Ben has been coming to him at night for weeks so maybe he’s just looking for a way to deal with it.” I said.

  
“No!” My mum moaned putting her face in her hands, “no, no, no.” She moaned.

  
“Mum you can’t break down he needs you,” I said, “He needs you to let him know you don’t hate him.”

  
“I can’t hate any of you you’re my children. I might not agree with what you do, with who you love apparently but I’ll always love you. I’m sorry you feel like I’m using you because that is not something I ever meant to do. All I’ve ever wanted is to protect you and I’m trying but we’re up against a lot as I’m sure you’re aware.” She said.

  
“I know mum, I’m sorry I didn’t mean it I’m just tired,” I said.

  
“No love, you did mean it. I know you did but it’s ok because you told me how you felt. On Tuesday you have an appointment with that doctor I’m going to hire someone to come sit with the babies and we’ll go maybe she can help,” My mum said.

  
“Ok,” I sighed.

  
“Let’s go upstairs,” My mum said, “Do you think I need to call Dr. Palmer about your wrists or anything?”

  
“It hurts but I’m not sure it’s broken now,” I said, “Maybe it’s just a sprain?”

  
“I’m going to call him anyway, hopefully he’ll get it on his pager and come if not after the kids are in bed you and I will take a trip to the ER all right? Pat and Cole can watch the babies you know how to deal with little ones Pat?” She asked him.

  
“I had a little brother once, I know how to change diapers and stuff yeah,” He said.

  
“I thought you might,” She said nodding her head, “I watched you with Andrew earlier you seem good with kids. I’ll pay you for it because I know that’s not what you came over for. Cole too just make sure he doesn’t make out with my son while I’m gone if John and I have to go all right?”

  
“Yeah, I’ll talk to him about that,” Pat said, “He told us he wouldn’t but anyway.”

  
“Ah so you knew?” She asked looking at us.

  
“Knew what that Cole was going to kiss Will or that Will had a huge crush on Cole and Cole is well,” I shrugged.

  
“Wait what?” My mum asked.

  
“Yeah mum it was probably Will and Cole just didn’t say no. He kissed him earlier and I yelled at him for it. Cole told us he wouldn’t stop Will if Will wanted to kiss him again but that he wouldn’t encourage it so what you probably walked in on was…” Mum cut off my words.

  
“You mean that was Will’s doing?” She said and I nodded my head, she sighed heavily, “All right boys let’s go upstairs.” She said and Pat helped me up.

  
We got on the lift when it got to us and mum punched in her code. When we got upstairs she went down the hall one way and we went to my room and opened the door to find Cole sitting on my bed his head in his hands. I snorted.

  
“You’re so lucky I’m hurt right now and I’m worried my wrist might be broken otherwise I would punch you so hard Cole.”

  
“I’m sorry! I told you if he kissed me I wouldn’t stop him. He’s cute ok? I think your mom hates me now though,” He said.

  
“No,” I sighed, “She had a long talk with us,” I said as Pat helped me onto the bed and squeezed my hand, “You need to back off ok? If you can’t keep your lips to yourself stay away from Will. He’s still a kid.”

  
“Yeah,” Cole said rolling his eyes, “A very hot, smart mature kid.”

  
“Not that mature,” I said.

  
“Mature enough,” Cole said, “But yeah I got it no more I promise.”

  
“Thank you,” I said.

  
“Now,” Cole said, “Quit making out with my brother and we’re even.”

  
“Yeah that was a part of the talk we had with mum too,” I said, “How is that going by the way?”

  
“They found a new house down the street,” Pat sighed, “So we’re moving in like two weeks.”

  
“So you’re going to be riding the bus with me?” I asked him.

  
“Yep, and Dom so your affair has to stop,” He said and cracked up when he saw the look on my face.

  
“I’m not into Dom,” I said.

  
“I know that’s why I said it,” Pat said still chuckling.

  
“You get to meet Dick,” Cole commented.

  
“Oh god Dick,” I sighed.

  
“What who the hell is Dick?” Pat asked.

  
“Dick is a huge Dick,” Cole said.

  
“Dick is this guy who keeps making fun of Dom in the worst way and just doesn’t realize it. He’s Dom’s neighbor. He keeps calling him Dominic and asking him if he likes getting fucked by his dad.”

  
“Oh shit, he better cut that out because I will fuck his shit up,” Pat said.

  
“Yeah I constantly tell him to fuck off. So he thinks Dom and I have a thing,” I said, “The earlier he asked me if I like fucking someone who looks like me because apparently he’s convinced we’re gay together.”

  
“Maybe I can give him something to talk about?” Pat said winking at me, “Set the record straight or gay so to speak.”

  
“No,” I said shaking my head and smiling.

  
“I know I was joking,” Pat said, “We need to stop anyway because of you know the rules.” He said straddling me as I laid back in bed.

  
“Is this stopping?” I asked smiling putting my hands on his hips.

  
“Maybe?” He whispered into my ear nudging his head into my neck.

  
“Guys come on!” Cole moaned at us throwing down his sleeping bag, “We should be getting ready for bed.

  
“I’m ready for bed,” Pat said kissing me.

  
“EWW gross don’t do that!” Cole crowed.

  
I laughed, “Your face Cole looks like you’ve never seen anyone kiss.”

  
“Dude I know I’ve done some kinky shit with Pat in my day but I didn’t want to and he’s like my brother think of me necking on your brother in front of you. Yeah that look on your face right there is how I feel about watching you and Pat together so if you could I would really like you to not do that tonight.” He said as I wrinkled my nose at the idea of watching Cole with Will.

  
“Got it,” I said, pushing Pat off of me lightly.

  
Pat go up smiling and rolled out his own sleeping bag hitting the light when he was done.

  
“Night guys,” I said.

  
“Night,” Pat answered.

  
“Night,” Cole said then sighed, “Please don’t let me wake up to you two in bed together or some weird shit or I might have to pluck my own eye balls out.”

  
I smiled at the thought, Cole would never have the balls to pluck his own eye balls out. Those two were my best friends even if one of them was my lover or boyfriend I still remember how I felt about both of them getting into trouble with them and all of the other shit that happened.

  
After I had slept for a while I felt someone touch my foot above the covers and I knew who it was so I didn’t jump or get startled it was Pat, he leaned down on the floor next to my head rubbing his hand through my hair, “hey,” he whispered.

  
“Hi,” I said.

  
“Dr. Palmer still hasn’t come I think we need to go get your mom and get you to the ER,” he said, “I’ll stay here wait up.”

  
“I don’t want to go to the ER,” I said.

  
“Rabbit you have to, it’s just to get it checked out,” Pat whispered, “Come on bathroom,” He said grabbing me by the hand and we entered the bathroom and shut the door.

  
I turned on the light and before I knew it we were kissing again, his hands on my lower abs rubbing my skin softly my tongue rolling across his, my hand on the back of his neck as he pressed us into the wall to support our weight. He felt good and warm and safe. Not like everyone else. He made me think of doing things that I usually avoided thinking about and oh god how I wanted to touch him to make his eyes flutter and his head roll back as I kissed him in places no one else should be allowed to touch, how I wanted to hear him tell me he loved me. I moved my hands to his ass and he jumped lightly making us both laugh.

  
“Sorry,” I whispered into his lips and he kissed me.

  
“It’s ok,” He whispered back, “How are you feeling?”

  
“I think I’m fine,” I said, “A little sore in certain places but nothing permanent. I wish we had been able to do that without them watching, without what happened after.”

  
“Me too,” Pat nodded his head, “You felt really nice.” He said his face flushing lightly across the bridge of his nose.

  
“Well, thank you,” I said kissing his neck, “You felt really good too.”

  
“I would like to do that again sometime and maybe you can do the same?” He asked looking down at me seductively.

  
“I’d like that,” I said my hand brushing against him through his pants, “I’d really like that.”

  
Pat closed his eyes and bit his lip biting back a moan, “We shouldn’t we promised your mom.”

  
“I know,” I said, “How can I keep that promise though when you’re right here and you’re so warm and soft and salty,” I licked his neck.

  
“We should stop really. Have your mom take you for a checkup maybe when you get back we can figure something out,” He said letting me go.

  
“Ok,” I nodded my head and turned the light off he grabbed my hand and kissed it.

  
“I want to make sure your wrist isn’t broken ok?” He said.

  
“Ok,” I agreed and opened the door.

  
I walked down to the nursery where I was sure my mom was hiding and sure enough there she was sound asleep in the rocker holding Mary in her arms who was also dead asleep.

  
“Mum,” I said tapping her on the shoulder and she opened her eyes, “What time is it?” She yawned as Pat poked his head around the door.

  
“It’s late, Dr. Palmer either didn’t call or you slept through his call, we should go to the ER right?” I asked still not really wanting to go but knowing that if I didn’t Pat would give me hell.

  
“Right,” She said standing up and then she saw Pat, “Want to meet one of your charges for the night?” She asked him smiling and he looked at her sheepishly as she waved him over.

  
“Pat, this is Mary,” She said and handed her to him, “The other wee one over there is Seamus her twin brother. They need food two hours from now. That little guy is…,” Mum pointed and Pat smiled

  
“Malachy, and then Andrew and Laura,” He said pointing and mum nodded.

  
“Thank you,” She said, “Don’t leave the floor, you can wander if anyone wakes up help them out and then send them back to bed tell them I had to take John to go get his arm checked out.”

  
“Yes ma’am,” He said, “Hi there young lady,” He cooed at Mary as she opened her eyes, “How are you? She looks like him,” He commented motioning his head to me.

  
“All his sisters do,” Mum said smiling, “I don’t know how or why but him Mac and the girls got my hair somehow everyone else looks either like my Da or theirs.”

  
“Weird,” He said, “I don’t see Connor in them at all.”

  
“Yeah well we all get to see a side of Connor I hope will stop soon. I don’t think any of them are like him they just look a bit like he did when he was young. Come on John,” She said as we walked to the elevator and got our shoes. We rode down in silence the house seemed empty and got in the car. I feel asleep on the short ride to the hospital and she walked in insurance cards in hand telling the desk why we were there something along the lines of I fell down the stairs only two.

  
After a few minutes a dr. came in, “Hello I’m Doctor Driscoll,” She said looking at me, “Can you tell me what happened?”

  
“I was walking downstairs and lost my footing on the last two steps I fell forward and caught myself with my hand I heard a pop,” I answered.

  
“So you put the skate board behind you?” She asked surprising me, “Oh, it’s in your chart.”

  
“Yes, I’ve been staying away from it,” I lied having never been near a skate board.

  
“Have you seen a therapist yet about your situation there’s some marks in here from Dr. Jeffries.”

  
That name, I thought to myself remembering what Uncle Ben and Da had said about it. How he was dead how I had told him and it was my fault he was dead, “Didn’t he die?” I asked her.

  
“Heart attack around Christmas yes,” She answered, “You remember him?”

  
“Yeah he played checkers with me, talked with me when I was in here for stomach problems,” I answered.

  
“Yes, you had a nasty bacteria in your gut,” She said, “Says here in your chart you stayed what a week? Sometime around Christmas,” She asked.

  
“Yeah something like that,” I answered.

  
“Has he seen a therapist mom?” She asked mom.

  
“Not yet there’s an appointment for Tuesday,” She answered,

  
“I have some questions that John might not be comfortable answering in front of you mom would you mind stepping out and getting some coffee or something, you look tired.” Dr. Discroll said.

  
“Sure,” Mum answered, “Is that ok with you John?” She asked me.

  
“Yeah it’s fine,” I said curious what questions she wanted to ask me about as my mum walked out of the room shutting the door behind her.

  
“Are you sexually active?” She asked.

  
“What?” I asked confused.

  
“Well you’re 13 and sometimes 13 year olds have sex so I’m just wondering if you’re sexually active,” She said.

  
I shrugged my shoulders in response.

  
“What does that mean?” She asked me, “Look there are things written in your chart that a social worker will want to question you about but, that’s not my main concern right now. Are you or aren’t you?”

  
“What counts?” I asked.

  
“Well sexual acts, intercourse, oral sex that type of stuff.” She answered.

  
“Yes,” I answered.

“What kind of acts?” She asked.

  
“Intercourse, oral sex,” I answered.

  
“With who?” She asked.

  
“What?” I asked confused.

  
“Well your chart says you were sexually abused and Dr. Jefferies marked it as a possible ongoing situation so with whom.”

  
“Someone my age,” I answered, “What does this have to do with my arm?”

  
“It’s just questions,” She said, “Did you really hurt your arm falling down the stairs because the way you describe the fall doesn’t fit with your injury pattern. You have bruising around your wrists that indicate being restrained.”

  
“I fell,” I said, “Look I don’t know what you want me to say I fell ok.”

  
“Ok,” She answered writing something down, “Any light headedness? Fainting, dizziness that might have led to your fall?” She asked.

  
“No, not that I can recall,” I asked.

  
“Ok, we’re going to do an x-ray, some blood work keep that ice on it someone will come get you for x-rays shortly,” She said and there was a knock on the door.

  
“Hi, this is John?” The person asked.

  
“Yes, this is Johnathan McGregor,” She answered the man.

  
“Hi Johnathan, my name is Dr. Carter, I’m from psych I’m here to check on some notes that were left in your file,” He said presenting his hand to me which made me sigh and point to the ice I was holding on my wrist he laughed nervously, “Sorry about that.”

  
“It’s ok,” I answered, “what about my file?” I asked.

  
“Says that there is possible sexual abuse going on?” He asked me.

  
“I don’t know why my chart would say that I mean I was but I’m not anymore. I have an appointment with a therapist on Tuesday why?” I asked.

  
“If it’s on going I can call the right people get you help. I want to make sure everything is ok at home is all,” He said.

  
“Check out his wrists,” Dr. Discroll said pointing at my uncovered wrists, “It’s on both.”

  
“Someone chain you up?” Dr. Carter asked me.

  
“No, I don’t know where those came from I fell,” I said again.

  
“Listen son you’re not in trouble we just need to know you’re safe,” Dr. Carter said again.

  
“Yes, I’m fine everything is fine I just fell ok,” I stressed.

  
Just then there was a knock on the door and mum was back, “Hello,” My mum said looking at Doctor Carter.

  
“Hello, I’m Dr. Carter from psych I was asking your son about his sexual abuse that is mentioned in his file. I’m also interested in these bruises he has on his wrists,” He said.

  
“I’m not being sexually abused anymore ok!” I nearly shouted, “Look a baseball coach touched my junk once it’s not going to end my life all right?”

  
“It doesn’t say that in your file,” Dr. Carter said.

  
“Yeah well I didn’t talk about it before but I don’t need you thinking it’s something that’s on going so I’m telling you it’s not on going all right?” I said, “Happy can we get my x-rays and go?”

  
“Is that true mom?” He asked her and she nodded her head shocked.

  
“Ok, the nurse will be in shortly to take him to x-ray,” Dr. Carter said and both him and Dr. Driscoll left the room shutting the door behind them.

  
“Why did you lie?” She asked me.

  
“Because it will cause a lot more trouble than it’s worth mum Hanks a cop word will get to him before anyone else has a chance to investigate who knows who else they have on their side I’m not going to risk everyone else because I opened my big mouth so I would suggest you play along if you really want us to get out,” I answered and mum nodded her head.

  
“It’s that bad?” She asked.

  
“Mum, I don’t know how high it goes but they have at least one cop who is looking at detective and one social worker with CPS so what am I supposed to think? For all I know they have judges too. They have doctors and lawyers and god knows who else.” I said.

  
“Lawyers?” She asked, “I mean I know Dr. Huntz and Dr. Palmer are involved but Dr. Palmer is involved to help get people out but what Lawyer do you know about?”

  
“Well I don’t know for sure but it wouldn’t surprise me,” I said.

  
“Ok,” Mum said, “I skimmed some from the account put it in one your Da doesn’t know about 5k. I just need to be careful and find a way to get another five and then we can be gone before he gets back from New York on break.”

  
“He wants me to go to Tokyo with him from break,” I said.

  
“What’s in Tokyo?” She asked.

  
“A hotel room with my name all over it and none of my clothes,” I said shrugging.

  
She looked at me shocked, “John,” She said as warning.

  
“What it’s true and you and I both know it,” I sighed.

  
“We’ll be out of here before that,” She promised me.

  
“Don’t make a promise you can’t keep you said that last time and we had three days in a hotel room where we ended up half starving by day two because you left and didn’t come back.” I said.

  
“Yeah well they found me, they found us ok?” She said, “I’m sorry I was stupid next time I will plan better we’ll be ready for them to follow and we’ll be ready to get away I swear it to you.”

  
“Yeah you want to know what happened after Arthur came and got everyone else.” I asked her.

  
“If you’re going to tell me, yes I’d like to know,” She answered.

  
“He raped me, Hank did twice and then on the way home he stopped at a truck stop and offered me to some guy,” I said and I could feel that I wanted to cry I sighed, “That’s why he hasn’t been around because he didn’t have permission to whore me out to someone else.”

  
“Permission from who?” Mum asked.

  
“Da mum, Da everything that happens happens because he says it can don’t you get it?” I asked, “He’s not just, he’s passing me out he’s making me have sex with all of these guys and honestly I want to die I would rather die than have another one of them touch me. And instead I keep ending up trapped in the same spot with my arms chained over and over again.”

  
“I know love,” She said hugging me, “I’m sorry I know.”

  
“I’m just so tired,” I said.

  
“I know,” She said rubbing my hair, “I’ll figure it out this time for real I promise.”

  
“Why are you telling me this time? Last time you didn’t tell me anything.” I asked.

  
“I’m telling you this time because your Da isn’t around to get it out of you. At least not for a while and by the time he gets back the plan is to be gone especially since you mentioned Tokyo. I don’t want him taking you out of the country, not even to go home.” She said home being the UK for her.

  
“I miss home,” I said, “I miss hanging out with everyone at school all day and not having to worry about what will happen when I come home. I miss knowing that there was so little time I spent with the two of you that Da would rather do things as a family then you know what.”

  
“He never did that to you when you were in boarding school?” She asked me.

  
“He well, He said he wanted to a couple times but he never did not while we lived at home,” I answered.

  
“I’m sorry love,” She said, “I still feel like this is all my fault.”

  
“I don’t think it’s your fault. I think it’s all on him. He’s the one who does it, lets it happen,” I said.

  
“Can you tell me what exactly he does? I mean yeah I saw the video but is that normal?” She asked me surprising me.

  
I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to tell her that stuff. I felt like I had told her enough about it that the rest she didn’t need to hear. I was shocked that she had even asked especially in a hospital where anyone could walk in and hear our conversation. I felt like she had punched me in the stomach and I didn’t know how to respond.

  
Just then someone knocked on the door, “Hello John I’m here to take you for x-ray,” a guy said opening the door. Just looking at him he gave me the creeps. At the time I didn’t know why but it was one of those gut feelings that something was off.  
“Ok,” I mum said, “I’ll be here waiting.”

  
I stood up and went for a walk with him down the hallway towards x-ray. Half way there he stopped me for just a second putting his hand out so he hit me in the chest lightly making me jump. He looked at me and smiled.  
“Nervous? It’s just an x-ray,” He said and then was silent a minute before, “You’re a five right?”

  
My blood ran cold. I couldn’t do this I wasn’t going anywhere with this guy. He laughed.

  
“I can’t do anything without permission,” He said slapping me on the shoulder, “relax. I was just messing with you.”

  
“Don’t touch me,” I hissed.

  
“I’m here because of you, you know that right?” He asked me sighing, “They needed nurses and orderlies to keep ears out because someone decided to blab. I can understand why they’d want to keep it quiet and why they didn’t put your name where it belongs you are beautiful.”

  
“Shut up!” I nearly yelled causing people around us to glance our way. I hated hearing that and it was probably the reason I couldn’t stand looking at myself in the mirror for the longest time because I didn’t want to see what was there. I didn’t want to look because I didn’t want to come to the conclusion that they were right that the way I looked was what attracted the attention of so many of them because in my mind that made it my fault. Everything that happened to me.

  
“Did I hit a nerve pretty boy?” He asked me as we started walking again towards x-ray, “Wait here, he said.” I stood by the door and waited and when the door opened there was a woman smiling at me.

  
“Ok we’re going to take a couple x-rays I’m sure you know how this goes if you’ve ever been injured before,” She said smiling pulling the metal plate down putting my hand on it and then gave me the vest. She took the picture in the back and then came back out and moved my wrist a couple more times.

  
“It doesn’t hurt too badly anymore,” I said.

  
“That’s good,” She said smiling, “The doctor will let you know if it’s broken or not if you want to wait for your orderly he’ll be back in a second.”

  
“Can’t you take me back or can I walk myself?” I asked her.

  
“Hospital policy says you need an escort and I need to get your films processed.” She said.

  
“That guy makes me nervous there’s something weird about him,” I said wanting to make sure she understood what I was saying.

  
“He gives the creeps too,” She said widening her eyes, “I thought it was just me he’s new and the way he stares at people it’s fucking creepy especially the kids we get that he escorts his eyes seem to linger a little too long. If you give me five minutes I’ll have them all set and then I’ll walk you back ok?” She said.

  
“Thank you,” I said nodding my head.

  
“Just sit down right there and I’ll be done a couple minutes ok,” She said pointing me to a chair.

  
I sat and waited for what felt like forever but when she was done just as she promised she walked me back.

  
“So how did it go?” Mum asked when the tech opened the door.

  
“I don’t think it’s broken,” I said and the tech nearly laughed.

  
“The doctor will be in a little while to tell you how it looks from what I can tell though it’s not too bad, probably just a sprain, might be a hair line but I didn’t see anything.” She said.

  
“Thank you,” My mum said as the orderly left the room shutting the door behind her. It was silent for a minute.

  
“So,” She sighed, “Are you going to answer the question I asked before they took you to x-ray?” She asked.

  
“No,” I answered, “I… mum its complicated ok?” I said honestly.

  
“I know love, I just want to know what you think of it,” She said.

  
“Well, I don’t enjoy it. I hate it and I hate him, I hate myself. I can tell you how I think he feels too,” I answered.

  
“How do you think he feels?” She asked.

  
“Like its normal its ok like there’s nothing wrong with it,” I answered, “He says things mum, bad things that he shouldn’t say.”

  
“Like what?” She asked.

  
“I’m not talking about that,” I said, “I’m sure he says things to you, you don’t want to talk about.”

  
“That’s different we’re married and your our son.” She sighed.

  
“Not different mum not from where I’m standing all right?” I said.

  
“What does that mean?” She asked.

  
“When you were gone guess where I slept? Guess what happened mum I didn’t go to school, I didn’t have a life I made dinner and helped them with homework and then …,” I shrugged my shoulders trying to shut it off, the need to cry, “To him it didn’t matter I was his son mum it’s like he thought I was you because you weren’t there, he replaced you with me while you were gone.”

  
“I’m sorry love,” She sighed, “It’s not right none of it is right.”

  
“No it’s not. I’m glad he’s gone and I hope he never comes back,” I said.

  
“He will but we’ll all be long gone before he gets home I promise, at least if I can get the money,” She said.

  
I was silent for a minute and then I thought about it. Tony kept offering me money to do movies money that would come to me and not to Da. Maybe that was a way out a way to get the money together that we needed to leave. Thinking about doing it made me feel sick to my stomach but after we left I could have all the therapy or alcohol I needed to get through it all. So in the long run wasn’t it worth it? Mum didn’t ever have to know as far as I was concerned just that it was money I was getting from somewhere. I nodded my head. I’d have to talk to Tony about it not tell him why I wanted the money not that I was sure he would care either way as long as he got what he wanted out of it.

  
“You should try to get some rest love,” My mum sighed, “It’s late and I’m sure you’re tired. I don’t want you to be exhausted tomorrow I want you to be able to enjoy the day with Pat and Cole as long as you aren’t going to engage in sinful behavior.”  
“We made a deal,” I reminded her, “I plan to keep it because I know if I don’t I won’t be allowed to see them and their my best friends. So none of that.”

  
“All right then,” She said, “Lay back and try to get some rest.”

  
I did lay back it probably wasn’t long before I fell asleep even if it wasn’t a deep sleep because I don’t remember a lot after that point until the doctor woke me up. My arm wasn’t broken but I needed a splint. Once we were discharged we headed home the sun starting to rise as we pulled into the drive way.

  
I didn’t know how I was going to manage this, getting in touch with Tony but knew I would probably have to go through Uncle Ben and I wasn’t looking forward to that. I didn’t know if mum was going to sleep on the daybed in the nursery or what exactly was going to happen but I knew I was tired and that more sleep was probably going to be happening first. We got upstairs with no sight or sign of Uncle Ben or Tony and when we got upstairs mum went straight to the nursey to see that everyone was still in one piece. After a couple of minutes Pat came out and shut the door quietly behind my mum.

  
“Are you ok?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah just a sprain it will be fine.” I said.

  
“What’s wrong? You look like you’re thinking about something,” Pat asked me rubbing my shoulders lightly.

  
“We’re going to try to run again,” I said.

  
“Well good, it will get you out of here hopefully this time and safe. Why do you look so worried?” He asked.

  
“We need money more money in order to leave right this time,” I answered.

  
I watched Pat’s face, “No you can’t be thinking of doing that. No I won’t let you Rabbit,” Pat said.

  
“He said he would give me money and if the video sold enough I could get a good cut,” I said.

  
“No ok? Listen to me he gives you money but if you do it just once he constantly asks you and it’s almost like they start expecting you to stay in and become a recruit, you don’t want that. You don’t want them to track you that way you won’t like it,” Pat told me.

  
“It’s just to get out,” I said to him, “Just to get away that’s it. You want them to be safe don’t you?”

  
“Of course I do and you especially but that’s the not the way to do it. Maybe if we ask him together he’ll make an exception and you don’t have to make another vid ok? I don’t want you to get into business with Tony though he’s not a good guy. He might seem nicer than the rest but once you make that deal with him you get stuck ok?” Pat warned me.

  
I sighed, I didn’t know what else to do. This was crazy I knew Tony, Tony wasn’t that bad at least I didn’t think he was he was more into sucking cock and getting his dick sucked than anything else maybe if I blew him he would just let it lie give me the money we needed to get out of here when the time was right and that would be that.

  
“Something bad is going to happen with my Da gone if I don’t do something to get us set up so we can get out of here and when he comes back he wants to take me to Tokyo for spring break,” I said to Pat.

  
“Oh shit,” Pat said.

  
“Someone told me Tokyo doesn’t mean anything good,” I said.

  
“They do a lot more snuff over there,” Pat answered, “Some guys don’t come back others come back after being gone for years and they’re scared the shit up. Some guy went over there came back and he was all scars because they set him on fire for a movie. They can be brutal over there you don’t want to go there.”

  
“I didn’t think so,” I said.

  
“They like us westerns they call us,” Pat said, “It’s not good. Listen I have some money but not a lot. Like less than 1k but you can have it.”

  
“No Pat I’m not taking your money. I’ll talk to Tony ok? I don’t know how to get in touch with him though.”

  
“I’ll asked Cole, he’ll know,” Pat said as we walked into my room.

  
“Ask me what?” Cole moaned from his sleeping bag.

  
“You know where Tony lives right?” Pat asked him.

  
“Oh fuck no,” Cole moaned.

  
“John wants to ask him something,” Pat mentioned.

  
“John that’s fucking stupid don’t even. You don’t want any money he’ll give you its blood money. He gives you the money and then black mails you forever for it because he’s not supposed to give us anything. You do it once he’ll make you do it again. You want money? I’ll give you money,” Cole sighed.

  
“No I won’t take it from Pat I’m not taking it from you,” I said.

  
“Relax I have plenty of it because I was stupid enough to fall for that once. Getting into bed with Tony and now look at me? I try to avoid him as often as possible because anything he wants from me I have to do so he doesn’t tell my Dad or anyone else about the money he’s given me,” Cole sighed sitting up and running a hand through his hair.

  
I sighed, “I don’t want to do it but I need the money so we can leave,” I said.

  
“I have 15k for real I won’t miss any of it. I’m saving for a car. How much do you need?” Cole said and Pat’s mouth dropped open.

  
“How the fuck did you manage to save that much?” Pat asked.

  
“I don’t spend it on nearly as much junk as people think I do,” Cole smiled, “I know everyone thinks I’m a tweaker but I’ll be honest half the time I’m pretending because people seem to mess with me less if they think I’m on something. I don’t exactly scream able to defend myself so…” Cole shrugged.

  
“Like 5k, you won’t be getting it back though that’s the problem I have with taking it,” I answered.

  
“I don’t’ care, I’ll get it back somehow,” Cole said, “I’m not taking you to that fucking house.”

  
“Cole I’m not taking your money,” I said again.

  
“Fuck you aren’t I’m not taking you to Tony you know what he’s like he’s into really kinky shit ok? Like I really, no,” Cole insisted.

  
“Like what?” Pat asked quietly.

  
From the way Pat was asking I knew it was something Cole had never talked about before. That Pat was worried and maybe curious about it. I wasn’t sure I wanted to make Cole go there but I wanted to know why he was so adamant that I not make a deal with Tony.

  
“He’s all about making you cum as hard as you can,” Cole answered, “Vibrators, butt plugs anything you can think of. He’s weird I don’t…no.”

  
“Sounds like Hank without the pain,” I said.

  
“Really?” Pat asked, “I don’t remember my Da ever really being that bad with the sex part he throws a mean punch though.”

  
“You ever hear of milking?” I asked Pat.

  
“Well yeah,” Pat said and then realized what I meant, “Oh god no when did that happen?”

  
“New Years. I think my uncle was with you while he was,” I swallowed, “I’ve never been through anything like that before and I know I didn’t like it.”

  
“I had no idea that’s what they were doing to you,” Pat said.

  
I could feel my eyes were wet thinking about it. Not having control over your body was hell. How it responded to them and what they did. It made you hate yourself being touched and knowing that your body was going to do what nature had programmed it to and there was nothing you could do to stop it. It was embarrassing to talk about.

  
“That’s horrible Rabbit I’m so sorry,” Pat said.

  
“Yeah well it’s over with for now so let’s not keep on the subject,” I said, “I’m tired I’m going to go to sleep.”

  
“Me too,” Pat said looking at me which made me smile lightly.

  
“We promised,” I reminded him.

  
“She said cuddling was fine,” He said.

  
“No,” Cole whined, “I’m not ready to get up come on guys please?”

  
“All right for you Cole,” Pat said pointing at him.

  
“Thank you,” Cole said rolling over, “night.”

  
“Night,” Pat said settling down in his sleeping bag.

  
“Night,” I said climbing into my bed.


	29. 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something happens that leaves mum in the panic causing her to call the cops which only spells trouble when Hank shows up. Mum ends up intervening however this makes Hank very unhappy leaving John full of anxiety before the group of friends ends up going to the movies only to run into more trouble. Mean while Cole offers to help fund their escape despite John's wishes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pages 658-692, Warnings: Rape/non-con, anxiety, underage smoke, delinquent behavior,

We woke up the next morning to giggling and what sounded like an elephant running up and down the hallway. When Cole opened the door he fell backwards as a tiny toddler plowed into his legs.

  
“Ouch!” He mumbled sleepily and he got back up walking out of the room.

  
I rolled over not ready to face the world my body felt so sore I wasn’t sure I could get up at all. James jumped up onto my bed accidentally landing on my stomach his foot hitting me in the center of my gut sending a sharp stab of pain through my stomach.

  
“Geeze,” I moaned rolling over.

  
“Sorry,” He mumbled climbing in-between me and the wall and laying down, “Are you awake? He asked me.

  
“I am now,” I groaned, “What’s going on?”

  
“Mummy said we could go to the park with you,” He said looking at me hopefully.

  
“I think I’m too tired to go to the park today Bud,” I said to him.

  
“Are you sick?” He asked me looking at me sadly.

  
“Yeah I don’t feel very good, I’m super tired and sore,” I answered and he gave me a knowing look nodding his head.

  
“Your belly hurts?” He asked.

  
“Yes actually,” I said.

  
“I’ll tell mummy, “He said kissing my cheek and crawling to the end of my bed to jump off of it.

  
“Nice cover,” Pat said to me without opening his eyes.

  
“It’s true my stomach is fucking killing me,” I said.

  
Pat rolled over onto his side supporting his weight with his elbow looking at me intently, “They weren’t exactly nice to you last night so it doesn’t surprise me that you’re sore. How sore though?” He asked.

  
“My legs are fucking killing me,” I said because it was true. It had been a while since my legs had hurt that badly.

  
“Well, they did have you in that position last night so that would be why. That’s a lot of weight for your body to handle.

  
“I feel bruised like all over,” I said.

  
“You don’t look it,” Pat said getting up and coming over to the bed.

  
“My legs,” I said.

  
“Where at?” He asked.

  
“Above my knees mostly. What the fuck did they do to make it sting so bad?” I asked.

  
“Well they weigh a lot more than you do and they weren’t exactly gentle, kind folding you up like a chair and then leaning into your body like that. Your Uncle if you remember he kind of was rough with you,” Pat said reminding of what my uncle had done pulling my legs apart of pushing on me using his elbows.

  
“I forgot, “I said quietly wrapping my arms around myself. Just thinking about it made me want to cry making me feel like he was pinned against me and wouldn’t let me up. I didn’t want to think about it how he had used me like I was nothing even after I said no and told him how much it hurt.

  
“Are you ok Rabbit?” Pat asked me staring at me worried.

  
“Yeah fine, why?” I asked.

  
“Because you didn’t answer my question did you even hear it?” He asked me softly.

  
“No, sorry,” I sighed and he hugged me wrapping his arms around my shoulders.

  
“I asked you if you wanted to go grab some food or if you wanted to go back to sleep for a while,” Pat said.

  
“Sleep,” I said numbly nodding my head.

  
“Ok,” Pat said kissing my forehead, “Let’s get some more sleep then.” He got up and went over to his sleeping bag.

  
“You’re still tired too?” I asked.

  
“No but, you seem off so I’m not leaving you alone,” Pat answered settling back into his sleeping bag.

  
“Pat I’ll be…” Pat cut me off shooting me a look.

  
“Yeah you will be fine but I’m not chancing it because I can’t live without you so lay down go to sleep and hopefully when you wake up you’ll feel a little better.” He said looking at me.

  
I could feel the anger welling inside me like a balloon inflating with helium. I couldn’t control my body when I was with people usually and now people wouldn’t give me privacy in order to try and control the way I felt? I didn’t want to be angry or sad I just wanted to be tired. I swallowed the lump in my throat and buried my head into my pillow. I didn’t want this I just wanted to be alone so I could get it out of my system. Maybe go shower and scrub myself clean because I felt so disgusting and so helpless. I felt like I would never get out and that no matter what I did what my mum was planning there wasn’t any escape for me. Not a real one the damage had already been done and just like the scars set into my skin the scars on my soul were always going to be there.

  
I started crying biting into the pillow trying to stifle my own sobs hoping Pat wouldn’t hear or wouldn’t think I was weak and stupid. Before I knew it I felt the bed shift beside me and his hand on my back near the stitches I had gotten yesterday afternoon as he rubbed my back and sat in bed next to me. I wanted to look up but I didn’t want him to see me cry.

  
“I know Rabbit, I know,” He said rubbing my back with both his hands spreading a warmth throughout my body starting under my skin in a warm tingle and traveling up my spine and throughout my limbs working its way into my core soothing me where I felt most broken, most frozen,

  
“Let it out,” He whispered his words feather light against my skin.

  
I didn’t turn to look at him and we must have sat there for a while him rubbing my back and I cried into my pillow shoving it into my mouth to silence my sobs because it was hard enough to let it go with him there let alone anyone else. I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore and my tears were dried my eyes puffy and tired. I turned to look at him after catching my breath.

  
“Do you feel any better? Do you want me to go get you a drink or anything?” He asked me.

  
I shook my head slowly my head whirling as I calmed down. He kept rubbing my back and leaned down kissing my shoulder blade below my stitches resting his head there for a minute. My eyes felt heavy like I could fall asleep.

  
“You sure?” He asked and I nodded my head in response. I moved and he got up his weight shifting from my back and I wrapped my arms around his torso. Him allowing me to hug him as closely as I could while I buried my head in his shirt and he rubbed my hair. I sighed breathing him in heavily how he smelled like a mix of sunshine and tobacco along with something salty and sweet.

  
We must have stayed like that for a while because I don’t remember falling asleep but I remember waking up his arms loosely around me my weight shifting causing him to stir. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes as I sat up stretching which caused pain to shoot up my legs from my toes into my calves and then past my thighs. I hissed at the feeling.

  
“You ok?” He asked me blinking slowly.

  
“Yeah, just sore is all,” I answered.

  
“Want me to get you some Motrin?” He asked me.

  
“Could you?” I asked and he nodded as I got up slowly, “Be nice to yourself ok? You took a lot of shit yesterday your body is just tired all right Rabbit? I’ll be back,” He said getting up and going to the door as I nodded my head running my hand through my hair.

  
“How is your wrists doing?” He asked me looking at my splint.

  
“Not broken, just sprained, sore like the rest of me,” I sighed.

  
“Ok,” He nodded opening the door and exiting shutting it behind him. I sighed. I was still so tired. I felt like I was probably getting sick the fact they hadn’t let up on me in about a month and half was starting to wear on me again. I knew he just wanted to make sure I was ok but if things kept going the way they were I knew I wouldn’t be.

  
Someone knocked on the door softly, “come in,” I said.

  
Will poked his head in the door, “Are you ok?” He asked me and I rolled my eyes at him. I was so tired of everyone asking me that.

  
“I’m just tired,” I said, “Are you ok?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah,” he sighed, “He didn’t come last night I wonder why.” He said looking at me.

  
“It wasn’t a choice,” I said shrugging my shoulders, “Pat and I were alone and they walked in and well it is what it is.”

  
“Mum walked in on Cole and me,” Will said his cheeks and the bridge of his nose flushing red.

  
“Yeah I heard, good going,” I sighed.

  
“You heard who told you?” Will asked.

  
“Mum she said my bad behaviors were rubbing off on you,” I said, “Keep your hands to yourself for both our sakes. Pat and I were told holding hands and cuddling is ok but kissing and anything beyond is a huge no. Thanks for that.”

  
“I’m sorry ok? It just kind of happened. He was bored and I was. I wanted to know what it felt like,” Will murmured.

  
“To kiss someone you want to kiss?” I asked.

  
“If it felt the same as kissing a girl,” He said nodding his head.

  
“And?” I asked.

  
“Well when you think the person you’re kissing is actually cute and not just doing it because of a dare it’s not bad,” He said smiling.

  
“Yeah well, no more kissing for either of us got it?” I asked just as Pat opened the door.

  
“Yeah, I got it. Wouldn’t want to get into trouble,” He answered standing up as Pat eyed him.

  
“I know what you did last night,” Pat said teasing him.

  
“Yeah I heard,” Will said putting his hands up, “Sorry.”

  
“Yeah well now it’s messing with my mojo so no more all right kid?” Pat said to him and he nodded his head rolling his eyes.

  
“Yes Pat, I got it. I’ll be back later I have to go make enough PB&J to feed an army,” Will said leaving the room and shutting the door behind him.

  
“He’s making lunch?” Pat asked.

  
“Yeah he does it all the time,” I answered as Pat handed me the Motrin and I tipped it into my mouth as he handed me the glass of water to swallow it.

  
“You guys are pretty independent of your mom around here,” He said.

  
“Yeah, she’s depressed she doesn’t do too much somedays it’s just too hard for her to deal with so we kind of keep everything up and going. I can cook,” I said smiling at him.

  
“You cook?” He asked raising an eyebrow.

  
“Hamburger helper and spaghetti that type of stuff yeah, why?” I asked.

  
“I never pegged you for a homemaker,” He said smiling.

  
“I’m not, not really I just know how to feed people it’s not a big deal,” I said.

  
“I don’t know how to cook,” Pat said, “We usually eat out if Karen isn’t cooking which is more and more often lately.”

  
“You trust her cooking?” I asked.

  
“No not really but I need to eat to live so whatever, that and if she poisoned me she’d have to poison him too and she loves him.” Pat answered.

  
“I’ll never understand Karen how she can watch all of it happen and still not believe you,” I said.

  
“Karen lives in her own special world where Dad can do no wrong. If she was a boy her opinion of him would be very different though I promise,” Pat shrugged his shoulders.

  
“She seems to think highly of my Da too and you know him so,” I shrugged my shoulders.

  
Just then Cole came strutting in my mum following Cole looked rather pleased with himself and my mum looked hopeful.

  
“Really Cole?” Pat sighed.

  
“What?” I asked confused and then it dawned on me that’s where he had been all morning talking to my mum about how we were trying to leave how she was trying to get us away from the brotherhood and from our Da.

  
“Cole has been very helpful,” Mum said, “He told me a lot of things you two apparently decided not to share. He also told me he has some money he would like to give us. To help we get out and I said yes.”

  
“Really Cole I told you we weren’t taking your money,” I sighed.

  
“Cole told me how you plan to get the money on your own,” Mum said frowning, “That’s something you’re not doing and it was stupid to think that is even a good idea even slightly boys.”

  
“Mum,” I sighed.

  
“Don’t mum me you’re not pimping yourself out you already have enough problems with people using you to get what they want. You don’t have to throw yourself at the fire which from what I understand Cole says you do a lot of. Now listen here you’re my son, and your brothers are my sons meaning I’m supposed to take care of you. It’s not your job to do that for your brothers got it? They ever threaten your brothers again you come tell me don’t handle it yourself. Cole is going to help us we’re moving it a little at a time into my account. I have it set up more or less for two weeks.” She said.

  
“Not the same guy as last time right?” I asked remembering how nervous that guy had made me.

  
“I don’t know until they show up to help us,” Mum answered, “Will rode with him and I asked Will about it later he said the guy didn’t touch him. So I don’t know why you’re so nervous.”

  
“I don’t know mum,” I answered, “I just I won’t ride with a guy ok?”

  
“All right love,” She said, “Why are you still in bed? Tired?”

  
“Sore,” I answered.

  
“Ah,” She said nodding her head, “Well take it easy yeah? I’ll keep the kids out of your hair let you rest. You can go to the movies tomorrow you’re taking Will and the twins right?”

  
“Yes,” I said.

  
“Ok, good,” She said, “Might be nice for them to get out of the house without their mum hanging around huh?”

  
“Maybe,” I shrugged, “I’ll make sure they have fun.”

  
“I know love,” Mum said smiling at me, “Take today to rest. No funny business,” She said looking at Pat and me.

  
“Mum I’m too sore, like you have no idea,” I sighed.

  
“Ok love I believe you. Just try and relax. I love you,” She said going back to the door.

  
“I love you too mum,” I sighed as she closed the door behind her leaving me with Pat and Cole.

  
I sighed heavily and went to stand up to go to the bathroom and Cole eyed me weirdly. Causing me to stare back at him.

  
“What?” I asked.

  
“What do your legs look like?” He asked me.

  
“I don’t know yet,” I said, “I was going to shower when I got into the bathroom, I’ll let you know what they look like then.”

  
“I’ve seen you naked why don’t you just drop tro and show us?” Cole asked.

  
“Maybe because it’s his body Cole?” Pat said cautiously.

  
“Yeah that could be,” I said, “Not that I don’t trust you Cole it’s just…”

  
“Yeah, no I get it,” He said.

  
“He’s right though someone should look that way we can tell if you need anything, cream to help with scratches or anything like that,” Pat said.

  
I sighed heavily and pulled down my PJ’s so we could examine my legs and Cole hissed in pain just looking. You could tell someone had done something to me my legs covered with large bruises from my knees where Ben had used his elbows to finger marks where he hard roughly pried my legs open so he could lay between them. I felt naked watching Coles eye’s take in every mark it could it made me so uncomfortable I pulled my pants back up after a few minutes.

  
“You even have one on your hip,” Pat said his fingers tracing the skin there lightly making me flinch under his feather light touch and jump back, “Sorry.” He said.

  
“It’s just sore,” I sighed again, “Still think I need like ointments or whatever Cole?” I asked.

  
“I don’t think it would help with those,” Cole sighed, “Sorry man I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

  
I shook my head, “I’m going to go shower, you two can either wait here or just kind of go chill out with the kids, whatever,” I sighed opening the bathroom door.

  
“I think I’ll wait,” Pat said looking at Cole and Cole smiled a knowing smile.

  
“While I think I’m going to go play video games for a while,” Cole said winking and leaving before I could shut the bathroom door.

  
“You want to come?” I asked Pat my heart quickening a little with the excitement at the prospect of being alone with him.

  
“Sure,” Pat nodded entering the bathroom with me and closing the door behind him.

  
I started the water and then turned to face Pat his face inches from mine, his lips so close all I had to do was move forward and close the gap but I didn’t instead I went to go pull down my pants.

  
“Let me,” Pat said as he pulled his shirt over his head and threw it on the floor and then went and undid the draw string of my PJ’s once again so they fell in a pile around my feet. He looked closer at the bruises this time his fingers scanning them as if his touch could make them vanish, make the pain go away even his feather light touches sent little shocks of pain up my body, “Oh rabbit,” He said touching a bruise on my hip, “What did they do to you?”

  
“You should know you were there,” I said and smiled sadly taking his hand that had been touching my hip and kissing it.

  
“I hate them,” He whispered into my neck hugging me, “I can’t believe they did this to you.”

  
“At least they didn’t tear anything in there you know?” I said smiling sadly. It was true that would hurt worse than any bruise they could give me on the outside of my body even though everything below my waist hurt in one form or another at least I wasn’t bleeding at least they hadn’t given me a fissure or anything like that.

  
“This isn’t fair,” Pat said kissing my cheek taking off his own pants and boxers so they were on the floor next to mine, “Come here let me wash your back,” He said taking my hand to help me over the edge of the tub and into the shower under the running water. He put soap on the loofa and rubbed it into my skin setting it down and messaging my shoulders gently working the suds into my skin his fingers warm gliding against the muscles on my back starting at my shoulders and working their way down into my tail bone and then back up again.

  
I sighed heavily, “It is what it is,” I said turning around to face him his eyes staring down into mine.

  
“If I could make this stop for you, make them leave you alone I would,” He swore to me and looking into his eyes I knew he meant every word.

  
I hugged him letting the water wash over us as we embraced his fingers rubbing my shoulders and back still. I wanted him to touch me to sooth me and maybe do other things make me feel warm tingles in places where I was used to cold static but at the same time I didn’t think my body could take it. I sighed leaning in and kissing his collar bone and I felt him squirm lightly and then he laughed pulling me away.

  
“We promised your mom,” He reminded me.

  
“I think taking a shower together is already kind of going back on that promise,” I said biting my lip and smiling.

  
“We should still respect it,” He whispered into my hair his hands resting on my hips lightly trying to avoid upsetting the bruises there.

  
“It’s so…,” I sighed budding my head into his shoulder, “I don’t know.”

  
“I know but we should keep our promise,” He said, “Besides maybe if we can stop this you can find a girlfriend. I’ve seen the way Celia looks at you and the way you look at her.”

  
I frowned. I did find her attractive but I hadn’t realized it was written on my face when I was near her. I might have found her attractive but not in the way I found Pat attractive. Celia made my heart skip a beat where Pat made my hurt flutter and my stomach feel full. He made me feel like I could fly when his fingers ran across my skin where I couldn’t picture Celia making me feel that way, “Is it that obvious?” I asked.

  
“Not really,” Pat said, “I don’t know I like to watch you, your face. I always wonder what you’re thinking.”

  
“Why?” I asked curious.

  
“Because you matter,” Pat said making me feel uneasy.

  
I felt like that wasn’t true. Maybe I did matter to him but I felt like I didn’t matter to anyone else. If I had mattered my mum wouldn’t be able to live with herself knowing what he allowed people to do to me, what he did to me and yet here I was and there she was and it didn’t feel like she cared.

  
“That’s not true,” I said.

  
“Yes it is, you matter more than you realize. Especially to me. Words cannot express how much you matter to me, how much you have mattered to me since the moment I first saw you,” He said grabbing my arm and putting it over his shoulder as he kissed my hand.

  
“I might matter to you but, not to anyone else,” I said.

  
“That’s not true,” Pat said, “You matter to your mom and your siblings.”

  
“No I don’t Pat,” I moaned, “If I mattered to her she would make it stop. If I mattered to her she wouldn’t just turn away whenever he said to stuff he says because I know he says it to her to taunt her to make her angry. All that matters about me to them is I have a body he wants and if he’s doing it to me he’s not hurting anyone else.”

  
“No, listen to me you have a mom. A mom that’s here she hasn’t left you and when she tried to leave she took you and all of your siblings with her. Just because she’s your mom doesn’t mean she had to do that. She could have left all of you behind or left just you behind if she wanted to and she didn’t. At least she cares enough to take you with her,” He said messaging my neck.

  
“What was it like?” I asked, “When your mom left?”

  
“Well,” He sighed, “I don’t know it was like. She didn’t really give anyone notice she was leaving she just told me she was going out and that she would come back and that when she came back we were leaving my dad but, she never came back.”  
“I don’t think she left you. I mean think about it think about how your dad is do you really think he would let her just walk away?” I asked Pat seriously.

  
He rolled his eyes, “You’ve been talking to Cole.” He muttered.

  
“No really think about it, think about how he is, how violent and controlling he is,” I said.

  
“From what Karen told me my mom knew my dad had a thing for little boys and when she found out she was having one she didn’t want to get an abortion as far as I’m concerned that means she was serving me up to this so the fact she disappeared whether he killed her or not didn’t do her any favors. The fact that she had me even when she knew she shouldn’t shows me how little she cared all right? At least your mother cares at least she wants this to end for you mine had the chance to stop it before it ever happened and she did nothing!” He hissed at me his eyes wet, “NOTHING!” he said again turning away from me.

  
“Pat,” I said slowly my hand hovering above his shoulder like a bird afraid to land. I didn’t want to upset him more Cole had told me his mom was a sore spot for him that he didn’t like talking about her and didn’t believe she had loved him but I didn’t realize what a punch to the gut it would for him, “I’m sorry. You’re right maybe I’m too hard on her. I’m sorry,” I said and before I knew it he had turned around his hands on my neck pressing his forehead to mine kissing me a little rougher then he usually did with a little more urgency taking my breath away as he pressed me up against the shower wall after a minute he broke our kiss.

  
“Sorry,” He breathed, “I needed to feel you.”

  
“It’s ok,” I said nodding my head my hand on his torso. I could feel the heat under his skin traveling up my fingers and into my palm making my body stir in different places. I looked up into his face my eyes feeling heavy and he kissed me again pushing us up against the wall behind me again my hands moving down his body to grab him in places and he moaned between our lips his body responding to my touches. He broke our kiss gasping as I started kissing down his torso towards his waist his hands running through my hair as I licked his belly button making him laugh lightly.

  
“We shouldn’t,” He panted a smile still playing on his face.

  
“But I want to,” I whined lowering myself to my knees in front of him.

  
“We shouldn’t,” He mumbled again, his hands finding mine that were resting on his hips. He moved my hands gently leading me back up to his face, “I want you to but we shouldn’t we ….”

  
“Promised, I know,” I whispered into his neck as he hugged me tightly.

  
“Trust me I really want you to but I feel like I’d be betraying you mom’s trust. She’s letting me hang out with you, letting us be together on the premise that we don’t,” He reminded me.

  
“Ok,” I nodded my head as Pat reached behind me and grabbed some shampoo squirting it into his hand and rubbing it through my hair for me. He then did the same to his own hair. We quickly finished showering rinsing the shampoo from our heads and got out of the shower. Pat grabbed a towel and threw it at me as I got out of the shower and grabbed him a fresh towel from the bathroom closet before we opened the bathroom door. When we opened the door Cole was sitting on the bed looking bored.  
“Have a nice shower?” He asked us and Pat laughed while I blushed a little.

  
“Yeah, we were gentlemen I promise,” Pat said causing me to blush some more.

  
“I doubt it, he probably blew you,” Cole said.

  
“Wait who did what to who?” I asked confused.

  
“You John probably blew him Pat,” Cole clarified.

  
“Not this time,” Pat mumbled and I smacked him lightly.

  
“Eww, TMI,” Cole said.

  
“Oh come on Rabbit he knows we do it sometimes,” Pat smiled shrugging his shoulders.

  
“You don’t have to tell him what,” I said wrinkling my nose and digging through my dresser to find clothes pulling out a loose t-shirt and pair of jeans along with a hoody.

  
“Hey John?” Cole asked.

  
“Aye?” I asked.

  
“How come you never wear clothes that fit?” He asked me.

  
“Because I have people undressing me with their eyes constantly and so I prefer to be covered,” I answered honestly.

  
Cole rolled his eyes, “God I remember those days. Fucking horrible always felt naked,” He muttered.

  
“Aye,” I agreed looking over at him while I shoved my boxers under my towel so I wasn’t showing off anything. He squinted at me closely for a minute and then got up, “What?” I asked him.

  
“Do you have hair in your pits now?!” He asked me excitedly causing me to look at my own armpit.

  
“Barely,” I said grabbing deodorant and putting some on before pulling my shirt over my head.

  
“You should start shaving before it really comes in,” Cole said.

  
“Why I want hair, I don’t want to look like I’m 11 forever,” I said.

  
“If you don’t they’ll wax you and that fucking hurts,” Pat said, “If you notice I’m pretty hairless because I shave everything you should too.”

  
“So hair is bad?” I asked confused.

  
“Yes,” Cole side grimacing.

  
“Awesome, I’ve waited my whole life to get hair in my pits just to have to shave it off,” I snorted rolling my eyes as I pulled on my jeans, “My Da will be thrilled when he comes back.”

  
“Why?” Cole asked.

  
I shrugged my shoulders. He should have known what I meant that my Da had been waiting for me to mature or “harden” that he wanted to see what I would look like. If I was still home when he got here it didn’t take much effort to imagine what would happen to me where his hands would go, his eyes, his lips every place I didn’t want them to that made me hate myself and shiver with shame and guilt.

  
“How come you call him Da?” Cole asked suddenly.

  
“What?” I asked confused.

  
“Well most people call their fathers, father or Dad but you call him Da,” He said.

  
“I’m half Irish probably get it from mum because she calls him “your Da” and has since I can remember so that’s what I call him. In turn that’s probably why Will calls him Da and so on,” I shrugged my shoulders.

  
“Weren’t you born in the US though?” Cole asked.

  
“I was born in New York,” I answered, “Lived there until I was around 3 then moved here, then moved to Dublin for a bit then after that when I was like 9ish went off to school until well like October when we moved here.”

  
“Weird,” He answered.

  
“Yes,” I agreed.

  
“So what are we doing today?” I asked sliding my hoody over my head.

  
“Don’t know,” Cole sighed.

  
“Let’s go to the park and hang,” Pat said.

  
I shrugged my shoulders it seemed like a good enough of an idea. Better than spending it in the house waiting for my uncle and one of his friends to come bother us and bring us downstairs to torture.

  
We spent most of the day hanging on the swings smoking cigarettes with some breaks in the woods. It was a good day overall at least until I got home after making sure our plans were all set for tomorrow. When I got home I found the garage open and a police cruiser parked outside the kitchen. I swallowed hard knowing Hank was there and that something bad must be going on. When I came inside my mum was standing in the kitchen on the phone crying.

  
“He took them Connor! He can’t just take my kids!” She hissed angrily as Hank watched her his hands folded in front of him as I walked in the door. He caught site of me out of the corner of his eye.

  
“Hey John,” He said smiling making me freeze.

  
My mum put her hand over the receiver to muffle her voice, “John come here love,” She said beckoning me forward past Hank.

  
“What’s wrong mum?” I asked slightly scared because I didn’t understand what was happening.

  
“Nothing love, your Uncle took the twins off somewhere,” She sighed rubbing the bridge of her nose, “Head upstairs yeah?”

  
I nodded my head shooting a look back at Hank to make sure he wasn’t going to follow me, “Ok.”

  
I went into the living room and up the front stair well trying to put as much room between Hank and I as possible but this allowed him time to sneak up the back stair well while my mum was turned so he was near the elevator when I got to it. I started slowly backing away when I saw him but not before he spotted me.

  
“There’s my favorite boy,” He said coming towards me my whole body tensing as I backed into the wall trying to keep breathing.

  
“You’re not supposed to,” I whispered shaking my head as he pinned me between the wall and his body.

  
“Your Uncle said I could,” He said his breath so close I could feel it on the top of my head rustling my hair as he used his hand to gently tilt my face up to look at his, “I’ve missed you,” He said his hand moving to my cheek causing me to flinch.  
“Don’t,” I said turning my head away.

  
“I won’t hurt you if you’re good,” He said.

  
“Pat’s at home,” I said desperately trying to pull is attention somewhere else as his eyes scanned my body and I hugged myself trying to make myself small make it so I would disappear because I so desperately wanted to.

  
“I know,” He said, “I’m not interested in Paddy though. I’m interested in you.” He said.

  
“I have homework I have to finish,” I said my tongue going to my back molar fidgeting slightly wondering if it would even be worth it to fight him.

  
“I can help you,” He said his hand coming to rest on my neck rubbing my collarbone above my shirt as he sniffed me.

  
That sick tingle starting spreading from his fingertips under my skin making me feel sick to my stomach. Where was my mum and why wasn’t she here helping me? I felt so trapped like a rabbit cornered by a fox and I was sure my eyes were big that I was living up to Pat’s pet name for me at that moment. I squeezed my eyes closed trying to keep breathing.

  
“How about we go in there?” He asked gesturing to the door next to us a guest room that no one used.

  
“I can’t,” I said barely a whisper.

  
“What?” He asked nudging his head into my shoulder bending down slightly so he could bury it in my neck and start kissing me.

  
“No,” I whimpered still feeling so frozen my limbs feeling like they were being weighed down.

  
“Just a little bit,” Hank said his one hand going to the waist of my jeans, “Why such baggy clothes huh? Want to leave everyone wanting more?” He asked as he placed his other hand on my elbow sliding us along the wall toward the bedroom door.  
“Please don’t make me,” I begged shaking my head as the hand that was at my waist started traveling up my shirt onto my stomach as he reached behind me opening the door we had finally made it to.

  
“You just have to lay there baby, that’s all. I just want to make you feel good,” He whispered the words tickling my ear sending a cold fire down my spine. His other hand made it up my shirt and he started lifting it and my hoody from underneath off of my skin.

  
“No!” I whimpered again trying to pull my shirt back down as he continued to push it up and off, “No,” I whined pushing his hands away trying to get them off of me.

  
He pushed me backwards forcefully onto the bed straddling me biting into my neck as I tried to push him off because he was hurting. This wasn’t fair I couldn’t breathe and he was hurting me his hands rough on my skin as I started to squirm trying to get him off of me. My eyes felt hot my tears burning as I started to cry.

  
“Stop!” I begged as he undid my jeans, “STOP IT!” I screamed raising my hand back to hit him but he caught my wrist.

  
“I like fire boy but that’s a little too much tone it down,” He said grabbing my wrist and squeezing forcing my arm down above my head, “You grab her attention from the phone and you will pay later I promise you won’t walk for a week. Got it?” He hissed letting go of my arm.

  
I gulped. I knew he would keep that promise. I closed my eyes and bit my lip biting back anymore protest I has as he undid my pants sliding them from my hips down to my thighs where he rubbed gently making me jump and cringe my breath catching in my throat. I closed my eyes not sure if I wanted my mum to walk up the stairs or not because he had left the door wide open in his hurry and I was now exposed from the waist down as he kissed my torso slowly moving down my body as his hands moved my shirt up.

  
I didn’t want him touching me like this making my stomach jump and my eyes go wide knowing that if I pushed him off he would do something to hurt me to make me pay. Every breath felt like it took every bone in my body every effort to make as his tongue slid down my skin past my stomach and finally down my shaft making my mouth go wide. I wanted to scream but knew to do so would be unwise and cost me dearly. I knew I was crying I could feel the tears sliding down the side of my face past my ears and back onto the bed under me. I didn’t want to do this I didn’t want his tongue on my body or his hands. I didn’t want any of it but knew that there was nothing I could do to stop him. My head buzzing as I tried to think of something else to focus on anything other than the way his hands and tongue were pushing cold fire around in my veins and up and down my spine.

  
“WHAT THE FUCK?!” I heard a shriek suddenly that caused Hank to jump up off of me and I instantly curled into a ball my whole body shaking with the anxiety and fear I had been trying so hard to bottle while he was on top of me, “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!” My mum swore at him as I’m sure he stared dumbly at her.

  
“It’s not what you think…” He started to mutter. .

“Do I look like a dozy cow to you? Get out!” She screamed and I heard footsteps hurrying away.

  
I didn’t get up but curled tighter into my ball. I still felt like I couldn’t breathe and I didn’t want to see my mum’s face of disappointment as she looked at me. I felt the weight of the bed shift and knew she was sitting down next to me.

  
“Oh love,” She whispered touching my shoulder making me wince, “You’re ok love,” She whispered trying to sooth me, “It’s ok now.”

  
“I didn’t want to,” I stuttered trying to speak clearly.

  
“I know,” She said pulling my head into her lap rocking me back and forth pulling the blanket up from the foot of the bed to cover me, “I know, it’s ok now, you’re safe.” She whispered running her hand through my hair, “Oh love I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry.” She said as I closed my eyes and allowed her to stroke my hair as I cried into her lap.

  
After I had stopped crying she sighed sadly. I knew she was going to say something but I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear it, “How often do they do that to you?” she asked me.

  
I knew what she meant but I didn’t want to tell her. It didn’t matter whether they did it once or a million times it hurt just as bad felt just as invading to have them force me to let them do that. I shook my head.

  
“Ok,” She said softly still running her hands through my hair. After a couple minutes she sighed heavily, “Let’s go upstairs love.” She said moving me off of her lap as she stood up.

  
“Why did you call him?” I asked swallowing back more tears.

  
“Your Uncle took the Twins and didn’t tell me where he is going. I got scared. If I had known that the police were going to send him I wouldn’t have called. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I can’t believe your Da left us in this mess,” She said.

  
“No,” I moaned burying my face in the bed. He took them to the villa. I wasn’t stupid I knew what he was doing to them right now and it broke my heart even worse than me having to deal with Hank. It didn’t matter what I did I couldn’t protect them I felt like a failure.

  
“It’s not your fault love,” She said reading my mind as I got up pulling up my pants covering myself.

  
“Easy for you to say,” I said, “He’s not after your ass.”

  
“Language,” My mum said looking at me, “He’s after all of you love, you can’t blame yourself for being born into a shite situation. That’s on me.”

  
“Did you know when you married Da that he was …like this?” I asked.

  
“No, if I had I wouldn’t have married him. I’m not into hurting wee ones and being in this situation even if the wee ones don’t know what’s going on it hurts them. I would have never had children with him if I had realized he was like this. He didn’t tell me what his upbringing was like until I caught your Uncle doing unsavory things to you and then he used it as an excuse. I didn’t think that meant he would start in on it too.” She sighed.

  
I nodded my head. So she wasn’t really worried about me at all just about everyone else how this was affecting them. Awesome, “Did you ever try to make it stop?” I asked folding my arms across my chest.

  
“When we sent you, all of you off to school your Da went to therapy for a long time. I thought he was getting better. I thought he would stop when you came home. I thought he wanted to move back here for a change a good change to get past all of the bad stuff to start fresh. I didn’t realize he was bringing you back here so he could do those things to you without me around to stop him,” She said tears in her eyes that she wiped away quickly, “Let’s go up upstairs aye?”

  
“Aye,” I answered nodding my head.

  
We got up and walked into the elevator and she looked at me her lips pursed. I knew she wanted to ask me that question again. I didn’t understand why it mattered to her. Why it didn’t make sense to her that I didn’t want to talk about it or why she kept asking the same questions over and over. What do they do to you? How often? So on and so forth.

  
“John love,” She said pausing for a second, “Is that something they make you do a lot lay there while they touch you and do other things?”

  
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I answered.

  
“Love, talking about it might help. I don’t think your writing in your journal anymore it’s important that I know so when the time comes we can file a report.” She said.

  
“Mum, I don’t want to file any reports I just want to leave here with you and my brothers and sisters and never come back. I want to go into hiding where he’ll never find us so we can live a somewhat normal life and all get past this. I don’t care what he does I just want to go away somewhere where he can’t hurt them or me. Where none of them can touch us all right?” I said looking at her seriously.

  
She nodded her head, “Ok love,” She said, “Ok.”

  
The elevator door opened and Will was standing there Mary in his arms and she was fussing. I figured she was probably hungry and mum grabbed her from him, “Are you all right love?” She asked Will.

  
“Someone called for John, Dom he said?” Will looked at me curiously.

  
“I have to call him back,” I said nodding my head, “I’ll talk about it later.”

  
“Are we going to the movies with him?” Will asked curious.

  
“Yeah he’s one of the people why?” I asked.

  
“Just wondering, who else is going?” He asked.

  
“Well, I do believe that Hunter, Christian and Kristoff are going and then Ellen, Talya, Delia, and Celia and then Dom, Cole and Pat and Christian has a little sister he’s bringing with him while I’m taking you and hopefully Mike and Matt if they are feeling up to it.” I answered.

  
“That’s a lot of people,” Will said.

  
“Well it’s supposed to be a group.” I answered.

  
My mum walked down the hallway smiling as Will talked to me and he waited until she was out of ear shot, “Why so it doesn’t look like a date for you and someone else?” He asked.

  
“We wanted to go see a movie with our friends. It’s not a date we might be kind of dating but we don’t want to announce that to people,” I answered.

  
“Look it’s ok to be like that, I’m like that I don’t exactly hide it,” He answered.

  
“Yeah well you do realize it can get you killed? Hooking up with someone in the brotherhood so the less people that know the better off we are. So please keep your mouth shut about it.” I said.

  
“I know,” Will said, “I can’t imagine the trouble I’d be in if Cole and I were…,” I sighed rolling my eyes.

  
“Cole and you are not a thing you kissed like twice. You’re not even 11 you don’t know if you’re gay or straight yet you don’t know anything.” I said.

  
“That’s where you’re wrong. I do know John I like Cole but maybe you’re right maybe we aren’t a thing yet but we might be.” He said.

  
“You do know that we’re leaving again right?” I asked him, “I don’t know when but mum said before Da comes back for Easter break.”

  
“Oh,” Will said quietly his voice dropping lightly like he was upset.

  
“What would you rather stay here and deal with this? With them, with what Da is going to do to us when he gets back?” I asked him.

  
“No,” He said, “I like my friends though.”

  
“Yeah well sadly they come with being fucked up the ass by your Dad or uncle and worse things by more people as you get older,” I answered.

  
“You act like they haven’t passed me out. I’ve been to the villa, I have a brand too I know what it’s like, I get it you act like Uncle Ben doesn’t come to my room just about every night like he doesn’t…,” Will’s cheeks flashed red, “I get how hard it is for you I get it so don’t treat me like I don’t know.”

  
“Sorry,” I said, “Mum called the cops when she found the twins missing.”

  
“Why would she do that she knows who their with she’s not stupid,” He said.

  
“I don’t know. Hank showed up when she called.” I shrugged my shoulders.

  
“Oh geeze are you ok?” He asked me.

  
“She stopped him, barely but she stopped him,” I answered, “I have to go return a phone call.”

  
“Are you sure you’re ok?” He asked me.

  
I shrugged my shoulders, “Nothing a bit of drink and some time alone won’t help me with. Now, my phone call.” I said walking away.

  
I went up to the phone in the kitchen and dialed Dom’s number it rang three time and then someone with a deep voice picked up, “Hello?” It asked.

  
“Hi is Dom there?” I asked feeling nervous.

  
“Who is calling?” They asked me.

  
“John from school,” I answered.

  
“John who from school?” They shot back.

  
“John McGregor we share a lot of the same classes,” I answered.

  
“Ah, hold on,” They said the “ah” making me twitch lightly and they covered the phone with their hand as the shouted something out. I heard the phone shift like it was being passed over.

  
“Hi,” Dom said into the phone.

  
“Hey you called,” I said.

  
“Yeah, just was wondering about the movie is all is it still happening?” He asked.

  
“Yeah as far as I’ve heard, Mum is going to drop me and my brothers off at the theater around 3 the movies starts around 3:20. The other movie starts around 3:30 and I think Talya has that part covered,” I told him.

  
“Ok,” He answered, “My pop seemed awful happy when he handed me the phone what did you say to him?” He asked me and I could hear the worry in his voice.

  
“He asked me who I was I gave him my name,” I said pinching the bridge of my nose.

  
“Oh Lord John,” Dom sighed, “Everyone knows what your last name means you shouldn’t have told him that.”

  
“Yeah I realize but what was I going to do Dom? Make up a last name?” I asked.

  
“Yeah exactly!” Dom said, “Not smart ok? Now he’s going to ask him about you and you know who I’m talking about.”

  
“Yeah I just saw him,” I said wanting to slam the phone down.

  
“Are you ok?” He asked.

  
“Yeah I’m fucking awesome,” I said sarcastically.

  
“That sounds about right,” Dom commented and I chuckled.

  
“Yeah it does doesn’t it?”

  
“So tomorrow after mass is still on?” He asked.

  
“Yeah, you mean hanging out in the bushes and smoking before the movie right?” I asked.

  
“Yep that’s exactly what I’m talking about,” He said, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  
“Night Dom,” I said.

  
“Night wish me luck,” He muttered.

  
“Good luck,” I said.

  
“Bye,” He said and hung up the phone before I had a chance to say bye myself.

  
I started drinking at that point having been not pissed for a while and dealing with everything I had dealt with lately. I don’t remember much after I got down a bottle and a half. I don’t remember eating dinner nor passing out or anything else from the rest of the day only waking up with my clothes still on sleeping on my still made bed with a massive hang over which I had forgotten how much those sucked but took another drink and swallowed my pride got up and showered changing my clothes into something decent for church.

  
When I opened my bedroom door Laura was waving a blue dress in the air running through the hallway naked and giggling while Will chased her, “What are you doing firecracker?” I asked her picking her up.

  
“Gong ta mass,” She answered.

  
“Not without your dress on,” I said, “Come here.” I bend down shoving her head through the hole and then helping her get her arms though, “Let’s go put a diaper on.”

  
“No,” She said.

  
“No?” I asked.

  
“I big girl,” She told me.

  
“Well ok let’s go ask mum about that all right?” I told her.

  
“Ok,” She nodded her head running down the hallway to the nursery me following behind.

  
“Does she need a diaper?” I asked mum popping my head in.

  
“No, she’s potty trained,” Mum answered me reaching into the bottom drawer of the dresser she was next to and throwing a pair of tiny underwear at me as well as a pair of tights, “Help her get those on please.”

  
“No problem,” I answered helping Laura into her underwear and tights, “Are they back yet?” I asked mum.

  
“Yeah late last night, their tired can you wake them?” She asked me and I nodded my head. After Laura was properly dressed I got up and left the room going over to their room and knocking on the door. They didn’t answer so I pushed the door open slowly.

  
Mike was curled into a ball his face towards the wall and Matt was already up getting dressed to go to church. Matt looked up when I opened the door and sighed, “He’s tired.” He said simply.

  
I went and sat down softly on the bed, “Mike,” I said quietly, “We have to get up and go to church,” I said.

  
“I don’t want to. They’re all going to be there,” He said bring his knees to his chest.

  
“I know,” I said nodding my head, “They’ll leave you alone though there are a going to be a lot of people there as long as you aren’t alone in a room with them you’ll be ok.”

  
“How do you know?” He asked.

  
“Because you remember Christmas?” I asked him, “When my friends came over and we disappeared downstairs for like forever?”

  
“Yeah,” Mike said.

  
“They were hurting us. Like they hurt you last night,” I said and he looked at me.

  
“I thought only Da did that to you,” He said his mouth hanging open in shock.

  
“No,” I answered simply, “I’ve been there that house the Villa just once but apparently some guys have to go there a lot. I’m sorry he took you there.”

  
“I didn’t know he let other people do that to you too,” Mike said.

  
“I don’t like to talk about it,” I answered.

  
“Yeah it sucks,” He said.

  
“Yeah, we have to go we can’t avoid it,” I said, “I’ll stay with you. Keep you safe.”

  
“Ok,” He nodded his head smiling sadly. I left the room and finished helping mum and soon we were all gathered around the elevator in our Sunday best and on our way downstairs. I helped mum load everyone into the van and off we went. When we got there, kids and parents were everywhere and I wondered why we hadn’t ever come before. I saw Dom with a man that looked nothing like him but then I remembered Dom was adopted so that made sense watching Dom’s body language though I could tell he wasn’t happy his arms wrapped around himself as he walked into the building his head down his eyes on his feet. When mum stopped the car a couple of the sisters from Saint Bernie’s came up next to us.

  
“You have little ones yes?” One of the sisters who was young asked smiling.

  
“Aye, I do five still in car seats,” She said.

  
“Oh my you have your hands full,” She said, “Would you like us to help you inside?”

  
“That would be grand that way the boys can go find their seats, John keep an eye on them please,” She said.

  
“Yes mum,” I said nodding my head as I climbed out of the front seat opening the door and helping everyone out of their booster seats, “Stay close,” I told Mike who waited for me nodding his head. I realized this meant I wasn’t going to be smoking with my friends but I didn’t care my brother needed me and I knew it. I knew what that moment felt like feeling alone like you were the only cat in a world full of dogs. It was suffocating and I didn’t want him to have to feel alone because Matt was just being weird distant and unhelpful. The moment he got out of the van he took off running towards a group of friends.

  
“Hold Catty’s hand please Mike,” I said and he did as he was told as we walked towards the chapel my whole body tense the crowd pushing in against us as I tried my best to keep a tight hold on his hand on my left and make sure James gripped my splinted hand on my right. Once we got inside I saw Pat in the crowd looking glum and annoyed between Arthur and Hank. Hank caught my eye and smiled starting to walk towards us. I froze tensing up. This wasn’t good he was probably angry about yesterday even though it was his mistake and not mine. Pat was watching and tried to follow but Arthur grabbed him by the shoulder saying something in his ear.

  
I sat down in the pew with Mike James making sure Catty was tucked between them waiting for mum he came up to the edge or our aisle and waved at me beckoning me forward. When I didn’t move he came down the aisle towards us Mike looked at me and squeezed my hand.

  
“Hey can I talk to you?” Hank asked me.

  
“He’s not supposed to leave us,” Mike answered for me.

  
“It’ll just take a minute,” He said smiling and I shook my head. I didn’t want to go anywhere with him. I didn’t want to deal with this not in church.

  
“My brother needs me to stay, I’m staying,” I said.

  
“You really want to talk about this in front of them?” He asked me putting a hand on my shoulder making me flinch.

  
“Leave him alone!” Mike said frowning.

  
“So he knows?” He asked smiling.

  
“Mike don’t can you stay right here?” I asked him and he nodded at me, “Tell mum I went to the bathroom when she comes.”

  
I walked away with Hank even though I felt like my heart was going to explode out of my chest. I wasn’t sure what he was planning if he really wanted to talk or if he wanted something else. He walked me past the bathrooms and down one of the hallways that lead back into the school I swallowed.

  
“You owe me,” He said.

  
“Why?” I asked trying to stop from visibly shaking.

  
“Your mom walked in,” He said, “You have no idea how bad I wanted that.” He said his hand brushing against my cheek.

  
“Don’t,” I said taking a couple steps back.

  
“You want everyone to know about you and my son?” He asked me and I shook my head, “Then don’t complain.”

  
“Please,” I begged looking at him really trying to plead with him as his hands went to my waist.

  
“No fighting,” He whispered into my ear making the hair the back of my neck stand up, this wasn’t good. What I had just told my brother don’t let them get you alone and where was I? Alone with him, “Kiss me.” He said looking at me.

  
I swallowed, I couldn’t make myself do that. I couldn’t make myself kiss him. He grabbed me by the neck forcing my head forward shoving his tongue in my mouth his other hand going to my pants fumbling with the button. I didn’t want this but I felt frozen my whole body felt heavy. I was visibly shaking what if someone walked in? What if someone from the brotherhood walked in and wanted to join. I felt sick to my stomach unable to breath as he finally got the button on my pants undone his kisses moving from my mouth to my neck where I was sure he was going to start undoing my shirt.

  
All of the sudden we heard a door opening and he pulled away from me. Father Dunbee turned the corner, “You’re not supposed to be back here. He said looking from me to Hank and back again, “Come here son,” He said gesturing to me. I stepped forward towards Father Dunbee my feet unsteady.

  
“All of you should be ashamed of yourselves god is watching you and he knows what you’re doing. I’ll pray for you.” He said ushering me forward back down the hallway the way he came and into a classroom, “Are you all right?” he asked me.  
I nodded my head. I didn’t know what to say. I was beyond grateful and hastily did up my pants. I still felt like I couldn’t breathe but I was beyond relieved that it wasn’t someone else someone who would do those type of things to me.  
“I know you have problems. I am going to tell you this because your friend even though he didn’t name any names said you were having issues with some teachers. Father Barren is being transferred to a different parish and hopefully he won’t be working at another school. You’ll have a sub on Monday don’t tell anyone you know this ok?” He said.

  
I nodded my head and something came over me I don’t know why I said it but I did, “He raped me you know?”

  
“I figured,” Father Dunbee said, “You wouldn’t be the first but you’re lucky you have a friend that cares that much. I doubt you’d be telling me if he hadn’t have stepped up on your behalf. I have to take some time gather notes on others that are causing trouble if you care to say anything about it.”

  
“Father Finick and McClairen,” I said their names.

  
“All right,” He said nodding his head, “I’ll see what I can do.”

  
“Why are you helping me?” I asked.

  
“Because no one deserves to be treated that way,” He said simply, “God loves his children he didn’t put us here to hurt each other.”

  
“How do I fix this?” I asked him suddenly.

  
“Only the lord can fix it. You haven’t done anything wrong my child. Just hold on and remember the lord only gives us what we can handle. That this, your struggle is for a reason. I’m not sure what the reason is but turn to him ask for his guidance he’s always listening.” He sighed.

  
“Thank you Father, I’ll remember that,” I said nodding my head.

  
“Let’s get you to mass shall we?” He asked me and we started walking back to the chapel.

  
We walked back down the hallway towards the chapel and Hank was nowhere to be found thank God but once I walked through the doors back into the church Pat was right there.

  
“Holy … hello father,” Pat said smiling.

  
“You weren’t about to take the lords name in vain where you Mr. Kingsly?” Father Dunbee asked Pat.

  
“Of course not Father,” Pat said smiling.

  
“No he was about to swear,” I answered.

  
“Don’t swear in the lord’s house, Mr. Kingsly,” Father Dunbee said.

  
“Yes sir,” Pat said as Father Dunbee walked away and he started laughing lightly as I heard him mutter the words, “snitch.” Under his breath like he was amused.

  
“It’s was obvious you were about to say holy shit,” I said.

  
“Are you all right?” He asked, “He didn’t…”

  
“No, I got lucky again,” I said.

  
“He’s going to start getting angry about that,” Pat said.

  
“Yeah I know,” I said nodding my head, “Come sit with us?” I asked him.

  
“Of course,” He said as we walked over the pew where mum was holding Catherine in her lap.

  
“Where are the babies?” I asked her.

  
“Kinder care,” She said, “Learning about our lord. Hi there Patrick she said giving us a look.”

  
I shrugged my shoulders and both Cole and Dom climbed over the pew behind us to slide themselves in-between us.

  
“Hi Mrs. McGregor I’m Dom,” Dom said smiling at her and offering his hand for her to shake.

  
“Nice to meet you Dom,” She said looking at him closely.

  
“He’s a friend mum,” I said.

  
“No I know just the...” She touched her own hair, “I don’t see many others around here is all.”

  
Dom smiled, “Yeah I know maybe one or two besides John both girls it’s odd.”

  
“Are you Irish?” She asked.

  
“No Russian,” He answered.

  
“Interesting,” She said nodding her head, “anyway nice to meet you.” She said as the organ started playing.

  
The service wasn’t horribly boring but it wasn’t really interesting either. I remember a lot of light shoving as we sat there listening to the bishop draw on and on about this and that. I can’t even really remember what was going on because I was too distracted by the whispering next to me as Dom and Cole joked and chuckled quietly through the service.

  
When prayers were done and all was over we went outside and ducked around the building to our spot where we met Hunter and Christian who was there with his little sister Hannah. So we behaved keeping the smokes out of sight. Eventually Mike and Will came around looking for us and I introduced everyone.

  
“So this is who we’re going to the movies with?” Will asked me.

  
“Yes, some of the people,” I answered.

  
“So this is Will?” Kristoff asked Cole.

  
Cole nodded his head his face turning red.

  
“A bit young isn’t he?” He asked.

  
“I’m not that young,” Will said.

  
“Too young,” Christian said nodding his head.

  
“I’m not that young really?” Will sighed.

  
“He is,” I said.

  
“Go blow your boyfriend in the bushes,” Will said sending a chorus of “ohs” through the crowd.

  
“Excuse you!” Christian said cupping his hands over his sister’s ears who pushed him off.

  
“I’m not five,” Hannah said.

  
“Sorry,” Will said.

  
Pat swung his arm around my neck from behind laughing, “Come on, come with me,” He said.

  
I looked at him and shrugged my shoulders allowing him to steer me away from the crowd to the sound of cheers and laughter. He pulled me farther away into the trees a smile playing on his face. Once we were a bit away he grabbed me around my center picking me up and twirling me around until we fell to the ground laughing and breathless.

  
“What was that for?” I asked as he landed beside me in the grass.

  
“For being so amazing and not killing your brother when he said that,” Pat smiled at me.

  
“Well I kind of do what to blow you,” I admitted laughing.

  
“Yeah?” He asked me.

  
“Just a little,” I said gesturing with my fingers.

  
“Only a little?” he asked straddling me as I grabbed his ass.

  
“Yeah, just a little,” I said as he leaned forward kissing me quickly on the lips as he tried to pull himself away I pulled him back down my tongue finding its way into his mouth as I held the front of his shirt keeping him pulled down close to me his breath in my mouth. After we were breathless I let go and allowed him to pull away.

  
“Woah,” He said smiling at me, “I think that’s more than a little.”

  
“Maybe a little more than a little,” I teased.

  
“Damn it,” He said looking down into my face.

  
“What?” I asked.

  
“You have no idea how bad I want to…never mind,” He said rolling off of me.

  
“How bad you want to what?” I asked reaching up and brushing his hair back from his face with my hand.

  
“There are so many things that I would do with you if I could,” He said grabbing my hand and kissing it.

  
“I know,” I said nodding my head, “Me too. Just so many things go wrong and then I get nervous and I can’t and I’m sorry I’m so messed up.”

  
“It’s not you that’s messed up Rabbit, it’s them. If they wouldn’t do that than you might be able to you understand what I’m saying?” He asked me.

  
“It’s not fair,” I said shaking my head, “It’s not fair that every time your hands go past my waist I feel like I can’t breathe.”

  
“That’s not your fault though,” Pat said cupping my chin with his hand, “that’s not your fault at all. I’m not in any hurry. Only what you want what you are ok with ever.”

  
“You always say that,” I said. I felt guilty that I couldn’t let him touch me there that it made my heart feel like it was going to explode in bad way.

  
“I say it because I mean it. I know what my dad is like I know what he likes, what he wants. Honestly it doesn’t surprise me with the way he is that you have problems with letting someone do that,” He said.

  
“What blow me?” I asked swallowing a lump in my throat.

  
“Well, yeah,” He answered, “That’s always been one of his favorite things to do. God knows what he gets out of it but whatever. I get it I do. Take your time ok?”

  
I nodded, “Ok,” I said and he kissed my cheek.

  
“What am I going to do without you?” He asked me burying his head in my neck kissing me softly as I caressed his head.

  
“Move on,” I whispered softly in his ear,

  
“Cole said it’s going to be two weeks before all the money is transferred. “Pat said, “Maybe we should stop this?” He asked me unpinning me from the ground.

  
“I think so,” I said. Thinking about breaking this off with him hurt a little bit but it was probably for the best if I was supposed to be leaving soon because if everything went as planned I wouldn’t be coming back this time. I’d be living my life somewhere else somewhere better happier where I wouldn’t be raped or afraid of who was walking through any door I was behind, “Let’s just focus on the movie.”

  
“Right,” Pat said offering me a hand to help me off the ground, “Faculty or bust?”

  
“Yes!” I said allowing him to help me up as we went and joined the group again to a bunch of hoots and hollers.

  
I went home with mum after bible school was over for the wee ones and then she allowed us time to change and run us to the movie theater where we ended up an hour early. She told me to watch my brothers closely and to take care. I ordered us hot dogs with my pocket money and we ate at a table in the waiting area when someone came up behind me and put their hands over my eyes.

  
“Surprise,” Pat said in my ear.

  
“Hey,” I said grabbing his hands and moving them from my eyes. It made my heart ache a little because we were supposed to be stopping, putting distance between us, “Hot dogs?” He asked.

  
“We were hungry and it’s not like they have a lot to choose from,” I said and he nodded in agreement, “Is anyone else here yet?” I asked.

  
“Cole just went to the arcade,” He said.

  
“Can we go?” Matt asked me excitedly.

  
I sighed. I wasn’t sure they if they were supposed to leave my sight or not. I knew they wanted to play video games but that really wasn’t my thing at all. I didn’t want to push my luck with mum but it would be nice to have some more time to talk to Pat about our situation.

  
“Sure,” I said handing them a 10 dollar bill, “Split that and share,” I said as they ran off towards the tiny arcade.

  
“You want to talk to me?” Pat asked.

  
“Yeah, Pat listen I don’t want to break up with you but we both know it’s for the best,” I said, “That being said I think we need to stop being so…” I trailed off as he grabbed my hand.

  
“Can we wait?” He asked his eyes sad, almost pleading me, “at least until the last minute when you’re gone?”

  
“Oh,” I said biting my lip and then nodding, “I don’t know if that will make it easier or harder though.”

  
“Probably harder but my life has never been easy I’m not ready to let you go though. Give me until that very last second please.” He said squeezing my hand.

  
“Ok,” I said nodding, “You think I’ll be able to get out of this without them doing anything else to me?” I asked.

  
Pat shrugged, “You’d have to ask Cole that. He spends more time in the Villa then I do. He’d have a clearer answer for you. He doesn’t really tell me any gossip he hears because I don’t want to know. I personally didn’t like it when I was constantly gossiped about so I don’t like to hear it about other people anymore.”

  
“You were talked about?” I asked.

  
“At the villa for a long time, yeah,” He said keeping his voice low, “My dad wasn’t into videos but more pictures it got the attention of some people though. Not nice people,” Pat said.

  
“I’m sorry,” I said.

  
“It’s ok I was like 12 so it was a bit ago,” Pat said shrugging his shoulders, “I made it out ok. A pumped stomach because I decided it was better to try and overdose on Tylenol than deal with it anymore but I’m still here. I didn’t take enough to die I got lucky.”

  
“What do you mean?” I asked.

  
“Well if you take enough it can cause liver failure,” Pat said, “I watched someone die from that another guy in the hospital with me. It looked down right painful. He was constantly throwing up and feverish up until the end he got all bloated and gross looking and turned yellow it was horrible to watch.”

  
“Sounds like it,” I said, “Want to go smoke?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah,” He smiled lightly at me and we walked outside behind the building. Once we got there he gave me a cig and lit it for me before lighting his own and taking a big puff.

  
“Was he one of us? The guy with the liver failure?” I asked.

  
“No he was schizto,” Pat answered simply, “Told me he got tired of fighting with the voices telling him he should so he just did it finally.”

  
“That’s sad,” I sighed.

  
“Yeah,” Pat agreed, “It was sad. The odd thing about it is the brotherhood had everyone convinced I was crazy. That I made it all up because you know how it is. He thought I was more nuts then he was and told me he hoped I found peace before it was too late for me.”

  
“Weird,” I smirked, “I hate them. I don’t know I think if we stay here I don’t see any other way.”

  
“I get that, I do,” Pat said, “That’s why I want you to go because I can’t imagine a world without you in it. As long as I can believe that you’re out there somewhere hopefully happy then I’ll be ok.”

  
“Yeah if I stay here I don’t see that happening. Not with my Uncle and my Da and yours and god everyone else.” I said.

  
“My dad got a phone call the other day,” Pat said.

  
“For what?” I asked.

  
“They were asking about us whoever it was. Got his number through Tony they were asking to see us…” He trailed off making a lude hand gesture.

  
“Oh,” I said, “That doesn’t sound like…”

  
“Anything good?” Yeah I know,” Pat said.

  
“I’m not sure I could deal with that right now,” I said.

  
“Considering what’s been going on since your dad left yeah,” Pat nodded his head.

  
“Yeah. Your Dad I don’t know why but,” Shrugs.

  
“You’re his type,” Pat sighed, “You barely have hair you’re a redhead your young I don’t know. I think if I had red hair he’d still be into me.”

  
“Why?” I asked.

  
“The way he looks at me sometimes,” Pat said a far off look in his eye. I got the feeling he wasn’t saying something. Trying to spare me or hide something from me so I wouldn’t worry.

  
“It’s more than that isn’t it?” I asked swallowing the lump in my throat.

  
“Don’t tell Cole,” Pat said looking down at his feet, “He wasn’t doing that for a while but lately all of the sudden. The worst part about it is I just let him now because I’d rather just get it over with then worry about what else he’s going to do.”

  
“You shouldn’t have to deal with that alone,” I answered.

  
“I’ll be fine I’ve dealt with it alone for years,” Pat said his eyes wet.

  
“Well, I’m here for now,” I said throwing my arms around his neck kissing his cheek.

  
“Yeah only for now,” Pat said.

  
“Uncle Ben took the twins last night without saying anything so mum called the cops.” I said.

  
“He told me he stopped by your house, he didn’t say why,” Pat said.

  
“He didn’t shut the door but he tried to well, do what he does,” I said, “My mum walked up my pants around my knees my shirt shoved up my chest with your dad’s face in my well…” I said my eyebrows rising.

  
“Shit,” He said, “What happened?”

  
“She told him to get the fuck out of her house and off of me. Even though after that she kept asking how often they think it’s a good idea to blow me.” I snorted.

  
“Fuck, why would she ask that?” Pat said frowning.

  
“I don’t know. Maybe she’s wondering what they get out of it just like I am,” I said.

  
“It keeps us quiet, psychological torment I think that’s what they get out of it honestly,” Pat answered.

  
“Probably, I don’t know I don’t imagine them enjoying it even though my Da has told me he does,” I said.

  
“Really he told you that?” Pat said and I felt my cheeks flushing.

  
“He tells me a lot of things,” I said shaking my head, “I don’t know it’s not something I want to talk about.”

  
“My dad has told me I taste good,” Pat said frowning the ridges in his forehead wrinkling as he choked on some of his own smoke.

  
“Same, both your Dad and mine,” I said, “He says a lot of things that make my skin crawl just I don’t know.”

  
“The only person I like feeling against my skin like that is you,” Pat said looking at me.

  
“Same,” I admitted nodding my head.

  
“Does that make us weird?” He asked smiling slightly.

  
“I don’t know,” I said looking out at the parking lot where I saw Hunter, “They’re here.” I said.

  
We actually managed to watch the movie. Will put up a bit of a fit at having to go see Prince of Egypt but otherwise everything went off without a hitch. I thought the movie was actually good and really enjoyed stokely’s character and how she was unapologetically herself and never seemed insulted when someone called her a lesbian even though she wasn’t one. It was amazing thinking of aliens just taking over a small town a brain at a time.

  
We stood outside the movie theater waiting for our parents to come pick us up joking about the movie and horsing around while we waited for the kids to get done with their movie. After a couple of minutes Parents started showing up taking us off a few at a time until it was just my brothers and I and Cole and Pat.

  
“So?” Cole said smiling awkwardly, “Who hopes your mom shows up first here?”

  
“Me,” We all said in unison.

  
“Yep,” Cole laughed.

  
“I doubt we’ll get that lucky “considering mum has a bunch of toddlers she has to pack into the car,” I said just then someone came out the door behind me bumping into our group.

  
“Sorry…hey I know you,” The kid said wrinkling his nose as he looked at me, “John right?” It was Dylan from Tony’s restaurant. Awesome.

  
“Hey,” I said trying to brush him off.

  
“You remember me?” He asked smiling taking a drink of his soda.

  
I nodded my head giving him a tight lipped smile, “I’m kind of busy,” I said.

  
“Oh well excuse me,” He said sighing as someone else bumped into him. My blood ran cold Leo.

  
“Hey there,” He said smiling at me as I took a step back Pat moving in front of me looking at me cautiously, “I heard your Dad’s out of town.”

  
“For a while yeah,” Matt answered looking at him, “Who are you?”

  
“I’m your dad’s friend Leo,” He answered.

  
“I’ve never seen you before,” Matt said.

  
“We don’t talk to strangers Matt,” Cole said to him grabbing him by the hand and pulling him away.

  
“Hanging out with your friends?” Leo asked me as I stared at him blankly.

  
“I’m Pat,” Patrick said introducing himself.

  
“Well Pat I was talking to John,” Leo said sternly, “Who is in charge while you Dad is gone? Your Uncle? You want a ride home maybe I should give him a call see what he says.”

  
“No mum is and she’s on her way,” I answered just as Hank pulled up.

  
If I wasn’t having a heart attack before I was totally having one now and I grabbed Pat by the back of the shoulder to keep myself standing and he reached up and grabbed my hand, “I think I need to use the rest room John come with me,” He said and I think I managed to nod my head as I stumbled forward holding onto Pat’s shoulder.

  
I felt like I couldn’t breathe and was about to fall over and I manage to trip over my own foot on the way into the bathroom, “FUCK!” I screamed somewhat loudly.

  
“You’re ok right now,” Pat said.

  
“Barely,” I managed to choke out.

  
“No, John you’re not having a panic attack right now you need to calm down you have three people out there that need you to hold it together ok?” Pat said hugging me tightly.

  
I nodded my head, “Ok, you’re right I need to focus,” I said.

  
“Who is that?” Pat asked me curiously.

  
“Someone I know,” I said trying to be vague.

  
“Rabbit,” Pat said, “Don’t keep it to yourself. Talking about it can help.”

  
“He’s right out there Pat how the fuck is talking going to help me right now? You want to hear it’s someone I’ve fucked is that what you want to know. Yes I know him very well,” I answered.

  
“Ok,” Pat said, “I think I should go before my dad comes looking for me. I’ll see you later ok?” He said kissing my cheek, “Call me and let me know you got home safe, I’ll send the kids in.”

  
“All right,” I said nodding my head.

  
After Pat left like two to three minutes later my brothers walked in.

  
“Why are you hiding in the bathroom?” Mike asked.

  
“I don’t feel good,” I said slowly.

  
“Maybe Leo can drive us home he said he would all he wants us to do is call Uncle Ben or mum first,” Mike said as I shook my head.

  
“Are you scared of him?” Mike asked me.

  
“I, huh I don’t like him ok,” I said.

  
“Did he suck your dick?” Matt asked.

  
“MATT!” Will yelled at him.

  
“What he probably did,” Matt said shrugging his shoulders.

  
“You don’t ask people that,” Will scoffed, “Seriously.”

  
“Sorry,” Matt said, “It happens though.”

  
“Not in normal families it doesn’t,” Will said through gritted teeth.

  
Just then Leo opened the door, “Give your mom’s number you guys shouldn’t be waiting to get home.”

  
“We’d rather walk I think,” Will said looking at me for confirmation.

  
“Why don’t you three go wait outside while I talk to your brother?” He said looking at them.

  
I was trying so hard not to flip out. I remembered what my Da had said and what someone had told me about him even if I didn’t remember who it was that he had a thing for public sex. My skin was crawling and my brain was screaming at me to get far far away from this guy. I didn’t like being stuck here at all and I was so fucking pissed that my mum hadn’t shown up yet. I felt like I was going to throw up.

  
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Will said looking at my face.

  
“No,” I said shaking my head, “go wait for mum I’ll be out in a second.” I said turning quickly and slamming a stall shut before I started to barf. I knew I had just trapped myself but I didn’t feel like throwing up with my brothers listening to it happen that and I didn’t trust this guy anywhere near them so the farther away from him they were the better off. I waited for me to quit heaving and then flushed the toilet hoping that he had left as well and then I heard him sigh.

  
“You have to come out of these at some point.” He said from the other side of the stall.

  
“Nope,” I said.

  
“Don’t play hard to get I’ll call your uncle and we’ll be spending some good time together I promise,” Leo said, “I like to make sure my boys enjoy themselves but I don’t like hard to get.”

  
“I didn’t come to the movies with my friends for this,” I said.

  
“Oh you act like it’s such a big deal,” He sighed.

  
“It’s my body it is a big deal!” I whined.

  
“It’s only a big deal if I make you suck me off,” Leo said, “that’s pretty intimate but the rest of it not so much.”

  
“What? No,” I said fidgeting.

  
Just then someone came into the bathroom, “Mum’s here,” Will shouted leaving quickly. I opened the stall door and ran sprinting out of the bathroom as fast as I could.

  
I saw Leo roll his eyes and pull out his phone as I ran away and got into the van. Oh my god this was a horrible situation. I knew he was probably calling my Uncle to arrange something and I hated it. I hated the fact that my life was controlled by dirty men who just wanted to use me to get off. I hate my life so deeply so completely if someone had put a gun in my hand at that moment I would have blown my brains out knowing that I would have to deal with Leo later at some point.

  
“You ok love?” Mum asked looking at me confused.

  
“Yeah, great, fine, let’s go,” I said without taking a breath as she took off and started leaving the parking lot.

  
“What’s wrong?” She asked me.

  
“Some guy saw him and he just flipped out,” Mike told her.

  
“Some guy?” Mum asked.

  
“Yeah I think it’s a guy who…,” Will slapped his hand over Matt’s mouth smiling at mum.

  
“A guy who what?” Mum asked.

  
“Mum, Matty has no filter he’s about to say something really inappropriate that you don’t need to hear and may or may not be true so please don’t encourage him,” Will said and mum sighed.

  
“Matt,” She said, “You don’t answer for your brothers whatever you are about to say find a politically correct way to say it or don’t say it at all.”

  
“I think it was someone who is really friendly with John,” Matt said.

  
“Wait what?” Mum asked looking at me.

  
“I don’t want to talk about it he made me uncomfortable is all,” I said.

  
“Well, we’ll talk about it later,” She said, “How was the movie?”

  
“It was good,” I said.

  
“We liked ours too,” Mike piped up.

  
“I thought you all went to the same movie?” She asked.

  
I sunk my head into my hands. Awesome. Not only did I have to explain why I was so freaked out but I also had to explain that I sent my brothers to a PG movie while I went to an R movie. This was awesome. I sighed thinking of how grounded I was about to become once we got home.

  
When we got home I helped mum get everyone up and off to bed since it was a school night and once that was all taken care of she rounded on me ushering me to my bedroom where it would harder for outside ears to follow the conversation.  
“So,” She said looking at me folding her arms in front of her chest, “You didn’t all go see the same movie?”

  
“Hunter managed to score tickets to the faculty,” I answered honestly.

  
“A rated R movie?” She asked me and I nodded, “How did all of you manage to get in without a real adult with you?”

  
“Hunter and Kristoff are 17,” I answered.

  
“Well, you won’t be going to see any more movies with Hunter and Kristoff,” My mum said, “So did your brothers go the movie by themselves then?” She asked me raising an eyebrow.

  
“No mum, some of the girls weren’t into horror so they went and watched the movie with the kids,” I said.

  
“Well, at least you were responsible and didn’t leave them to their own devices,” She sighed, “Now can you tell me who that guy was?” she asked my heart dropping into the pit of my stomach.

  
“Why does it matter?” I asked.

  
“Because if he’s someone dangerous I don’t want him around you or your brothers is it someone your Da knows?” She asked me.

  
I nodded my head. What on earth was I supposed to tell her? It was some guy that Da had taken me to meet so he could have sex with me when I didn’t want to that just closing my eyes I could feel Leo’s hands on my skin and smell his breath heavy with Chinese food on my face. Was that really what she wanted to hear? She looked at me waiting for an answer and sighed heavily.

  
“Cole told me somethings that you and Pat had left out,” She said sitting on the edge of my bed, “About your Da making videos of you with people.”

  
I felt the color drain from my face. I didn’t want to talk about this with my mum I didn’t want to have to go through the details with her that more or less it was always the same them doing things to me I didn’t want them to do with a camera pointed in my face while I tried not to cry and scream.

  
“Oh,” I said quietly not looking at her avoiding looking into her eyes and seeing the shame there, the pain.

  
“Was this guy one of those guys?” She asked me.

  
I shook my head no because as far as I knew it hadn’t been videotaped and I wasn’t ready to share with her the fact that Leo had only become interested in me after seeing one of the videos, “He’s a bad guy mum. Da knows him.” I answered hoping that would be the end of the conversation.

  
“So he’s dangerous?” She asked me and I nodded my head.

  
“Do you run into guys like that often?” She asked me.

  
I shrugged my shoulders, “Usually Hank is my biggest worry. He’s not going to be interested in Will or the twins. I know there’s a few of them out there but usually it’s just him.”

  
“What do you mean not interested in your brothers?” She asked me.

  
I hated how stupid my mum could be. What was I supposed to sit there and explain to her that even perverts had a type they looked for and Will and the twins weren’t Hank’s type? I didn’t want to talk about that nor how I knew they weren’t his type to begin with. I sighed and shrugged my shoulders again wishing Pat or Cole was there because they always said what I was too afraid to say for me. They were never afraid to be my voice when I found myself voiceless.

  
She watched me in silence sighing heavily again when I didn’t answer until finally I looked up at her, “Trust me I just know.” I said before looking back at my feet again.

  
“Ok,” Mum said nodding her head, “In two weeks the last of the money is transferring and then we’ll be leaving. I’m not giving you a date just in case but I want you to know that we’re getting out of this.”

  
“Ok,” I said, “What about my appointment with that doctor?” I asked.

  
“Larkin? You’re still going but it’s just to keep up appearances that everything is normal. In two weeks we’ll be leaving,” She reiterated.

  
“Who is going to watch the babies?” I asked.

  
“See I haven’t figured that one out yet,” She answered me, “Should I hire Karen back?”

 

“Karen?” I asked, “Hell no.”

  
“Language,” She scolded me, “I think she would if it was only them.”

  
“Yeah but where Karen is there’s Hank,” I answered.

  
“You do have a point there,” My mum said, “I guess I could get a recommendation from somewhere or maybe have someone else take you to your appointment.”

  
“Like who we don’t really know anyone,” I said.

  
“Well, I do have friends,” Mum said smiling, “Angela she might be able to take you she’s not a bad person. I haven’t met her husband but she has two sons one a little older then you and we talk about you kids.” She said, “It’s good to have friends again.”  
I frowned thinking about the statement, “You didn’t have friends before?” I asked confused.

  
“Not many,” She said, “Your Da doesn’t like me spending time with people that can say more than four word sentences its gets tiresome.”

  
“Why do you let him control you?” I asked curious.

“Well,” she said mulling it over, “At one point I loved him and I believed him when he said it was for my own good and by the time I changed my mind it was too late. He controlled everything including you kids.”

  
“He says we belong to him,” I said the words getting stuck in my throat as they came out. They felt weird on my lips like static hissing that made no sense but only sounded like words.

    
“None of us belong to him love,” She sighed patting my shoulder, “You belong to you. He says those things to make you feel bad to make you feel hopeless but none if it is true and one day when we leave you’ll see that. You’re your own person you don’t belong to anyone that you don’t want to belong to.”

  
“Am I grounded because of the movie?” I asked changing the subject.

  
She sighed deeply, “I suppose not just don’t do it again. I mean life seems hard enough for you “yeah?”

  
“Aye,” I said nodding my head.

  
“I love you,” She said, “You should get some rest.”

  
“Ok mum,” I sighed, “I love you too, goodnight.” I said.

  
I woke up after what felt like barely any sleep at all. That was normal for me at the time. Always tired but never feeling really rested. Downing a shot or two of vodka when I woke up to keep the headaches and shakes away. I remember that day I think the anxiety that seeing Leo had caused the nervous energy that seemed to be penetrating every cell in my body causing me to feel uneasy was still with from the evening before. Still racing its way through my brain making me on edge.


	30. 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finick corners John and Dom together again and John makes a choice that he ends up regretting in order to save Dom some pain and suffering. He seeks comfort in Pat and then ends up going home to find mum being functional and actually up and moving taking care of everyone instead of sitting in the nursery in the dark rocking the babies. Matt and Mike open up a bit about what happened last weekend making John feel uncomfortable and attacked causing John to lash out which causes another altercation between John and his Mum.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 692 to 707 kind of a short chapter. You'll find out why in a couple of hours. Warnings: Rape/non-con, Priest abuse, forced oral, fighting, talk of sexual abuse, underage consensual kissing, groping, making out. Delinquent behavior (this is what I'm calling underage smoking, drinking, swearing from now on)

When I got on the school bus that morning Dom seemed to not be waiting for me but seemed in his own world staring out the window like fire was falling from the sky his face pale his expression slack. I sat down next to him and poked his shoulder to get his attention he barely glanced up at me.

  
“Dom are you ok?” I asked.

  
“Hmm? Oh yeah I’m fine,” He said hugging himself a little tighter as I sat down.

  
“You want to talk about it?” I asked whispering low so no one else could hear me.

  
He shook his head, “later.” He whispered back.

  
Whatever had happened wasn’t good. I was worried not just for him but for everyone else as well. Sometimes it seemed when things went wrong they went very wrong and for everyone. I waited until we got to school Dick actually leaving us alone for once in our lives and he pulled me aside fast before we got to the bushes.

  
“Party at the Villa this weekend ages 11 and up,” He swallowed.

  
“What do you mean party?” I asked remembering the last time I had gone to the Villa what had happened to me.

  
“I mean they’re going to take us there and then you know what happens,” He sighed, “I’m not supposed to know I don’t think I overheard my dad’s talking about it. About what’s up exactly. It seems like the lord is coming into town so it’s supposed to be this big blow out of some kind. Have you heard from your Dad?” He asked me.

  
“No,” I shook my head, “No I haven’t heard a thing from him since he left. Why you think he’s coming back into town?”

  
“I have no idea but you said he was in New York with the Leader so I thought maybe you would know whether he was coming back or not.” Dom said to me.

  
“God I hope not,” I said thinking of everything that Dom was telling me, “Should we let everyone else know?” I asked.

  
“I don’t want to but, I think I should. Let me tell them sometimes it helps to know what you’re up against,” Dom said.

  
The whole thing felt like a slug to the face and a swift hard kick to the balls. This wasn’t going to be good and this was happening this weekend. I wanted to know why now and if my Da was coming to town why wouldn’t he tell my mum? I felt weak in the knees just thinking about everything that lay ahead.

  
When we got to the spot Cole and Pat were both there with Hunter and Pat smiled at me and then saw my face and his smile fell, “What’s wrong you guys?” He asked passing us each a cigarette.

  
“Party at the Villa,” Dom said and Hunter wrinkled his nose.

  
“So they do that every weekend why does it matter?” Hunter asked and then a look of realization passed across his face, “You’re kidding me now? After it’s been 7 to 10 all fucking year?” He asked.

  
“No way,” Pat shook his head, “They usually save us for when school gets out because that way they don’t have to bring us home.”

  
“Yeah well I heard my dad’s talking,” Dom said, “You can ask Finick if it’s true, hell I’ll ask Finick if it’s true all you have to let him do is feel you up a little.”

  
“I’m not asking Finick,” Cole snorted.

  
“Does anyone really want to ask Finick anything?” Hunter said taking a drag.

  
“No,” Everyone in the group said in unison.

  
“So if it’s true, not saying you’re right because I think you’re paranoid for good reason but still paranoid,” Hunter said, “If it’s true what are we going to do?”

  
“Magically wish our balls and dicks away for a weekend and hope they come back later?” Cole scoffed.

  
“No I’m being serious,” Hunter said.

  
“Not much we can do,” Pat said shrugging, “We could try to get sponsors for rooms but that’s the only thing I can think of.”

  
“Eww no thanks,” Hunter said, “I’d rather be strapped to a table any day.”

  
“How does the sponsor thing work?” I asked curious.

  
“Someone pays money to control who you can know while you’re at the Villa. Handlers aren’t allowed to sponsor their own bottom its weird fucking rules. I’ve been sponsored like twice I think. Usually it just means they have massive orgie on top of you with their friends.” Hunter said.

  
“And if you don’t have one?” I asked.

  
“You get thrown into the ballroom and then strapped down to a table and whoever wants you lines up and when they reach the front of the line they kind of just…yeah,” Cole answered.

  
“Is there another option?” I asked remembering my first time at the Villa.

  
“No Rabbit,” Pat said looking at my closely, “Can you do this?” He asked me suddenly.

  
“I don’t think I have a choice,” I answered.

  
“Lately you’ve been having a really difficult time,” Pat said.

  
“Yeah but I don’t have a choice,” I sighed.

  
“I’ll do whatever I can to make it easier ok?” Pat said and I could tell by looking at him he wanted to hug me but, he was afraid to. Afraid that I would have a hard time being touched.

  
Just then the bell rang. I somehow managed to stumble my way through school and to lunch and by lunch I felt ill. The whole world felt like it was in shades of gray black and white and nothing made sense. Dom and I had father Finick’s class next and I didn’t’ know if he was going to ask me and Dom to stay after or not but it weighed on my mind the whole class and at one point Dom cleared his throat looking at me bring me out of my stupor.

  
“What?” I whispered.

  
“Should be tell Alec?” Dom asked.

  
“I don’t care,” I sighed.

  
“Ok,” he nodded and then scribbled a note passing it to Alec when he and Mike sat down with the lab equipment.

  
Alec read the note and then sighed shaking his head. I could tell he wasn’t happy with the news either and that he didn’t believe it. I figured it didn’t matter what happened at that point we had warned him and if he wanted to deal with that fact he would.  
Near the end of the bell Father Finick yelled for Dom and I to stay behind and I knew what was going to happen. I didn’t want Finick up on me and I didn’t want Dom in my space either no offense to him. I swallowed hard waiting for the room to clear not leaving my seat. When everyone else had filed out Father Finick sighed and beckoned both of us forward.

  
“No,” I said shaking my head.

  
“No?” Finick asked looking at me, “I want you to come here don’t make me come to you.”

  
“I’d rather not,” I said knowing what he wanted.

  
He got up and started walking towards us. I went to get off my stool and end up falling, “I’m warning you I swear don’t touch me,” I told him from the floor.

  
“Why am I here?” Dom asked

  
“Because I want to see you both naked,” Finick muttered pulling me up by the back of my blazer, “Strip.”

  
“Don’t you have another class?” Dom asked, “I mean another class on the way because I know we have another class to get to.”

  
“No,” Finick said, “I have a free period at the end of the day, you won’t miss your class I’ll give a pass now strip.”

  
Dom sighed taking his blazer off and putting it on over a stool. I watched as he took his vest off and did the same. I didn’t want to do that I wanted to keep my clothes on thank you very much and I didn’t want to feel old hands clawing at me trying to reach places that I didn’t want anyone to touch.

  
Dom was down to his under shirt and Finick looked at him closely and then started moving towards him until his hands were around Dom’s waist his face buried in Dom’s neck. I didn’t want to watch this but I didn’t want it to happen to me. I curled into a ball in the corner up against the wall ignoring what was happening to Dom until I heard him start to struggle.

  
“Stop,” He pleaded when I looked over Finick hands down his unbuttoned Khakis. I gulped I knew exactly how that felt being touched in a way you didn’t want to be touched. The look on his face as he pushed at Finick trying to get him to leave him alone the completely terrified look in his eyes I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t sit there and let that happen.

  
“Finick,” I said loudly grabbing his attention from where I was still sitting as I stood up and took off my vest and started loosening my tie, “You need a dick to suck? Come here,” I said starting to unbutton my button up.  
“Really?” He asked his eyebrows raising as he started walking towards me.

  
“Why not everyone else does?” I said shrugging my shoulders and undoing my belt.

  
“No, let me baby,” He said grabbing me around the waist making me want to visibly shudder, burying his head into my neck and kissing me forcefully his teeth grazing my skin a little too hard making me gasp as he reached down and undid my pants, falling to the ground as he lifted me onto one of the tables, “God you’re beautiful.” He said.

  
I hated it when they said that it always made me feel dirty. Like maybe it was my fault it was happening if I wasn’t so “beautiful” or “handsome” that they wouldn’t touch me. That they wouldn’t want to be with me. I knew I didn’t look like everyone else. I knew red hair was rare I wasn’t stupid but I didn’t think it made me anything special but I knew it made them think I was.

  
He started by lowering himself between my legs kissing my inner thighs sending that tingle shooting up my spine that made me feel sick inside and then he pulled my penis out of the hole in my boxers and kissed it.

  
“Slow down,” I moaned as he slipped his lips around me. He sucked at my greedily making me hard and my breath catch in my chest.

  
“Ok,” I croaked out, “Slow down.” I said as I got close to climax, “No,” I started shaking my head, “No.Stop”

  
I started shaking my leg trying to distract myself from what was going on. Using my eyes to look anywhere else trying to focus on anything else. I hated how out of control of my body I felt knew the moment I built up enough pressure and let go it would be over. All of the sudden he hit that spot and I felt like I had to pee and allowed myself to release. He swallowed it all of it like they always did greedily like he had never eaten before and was starving. When he finished we were both breathless and I felt light headed. It took a moment for me to catch my breath.

  
“Are we good?” I asked afraid of his answer afraid that this wasn’t the end of it.

  
“Yeah we’re good,” He said straighten up, “I’ll write you two a hall pass.” He said.

  
I shifted when he got up and fixed myself grabbing my pants off the floor where they had fallen. I felt gross and skezzy his spit still all over me in places he shouldn’t even be touching at all let alone putting his mouth.

  
Dom walked over to me doing up his own tie, “What the fuck?” He asked me and I knew what he was referring to but I didn’t want to talk about it or look him in the eye.

  
“John come on,” Dom sighed putting his vest back on, “You didn’t have to do that.”

  
“Yeah well you weren’t taking it well so,” I shrugged.

  
“Are you ok?” He asked.

  
“You think I wanted him to do that?” I half whispered half hissed, “I can’t even let Pat… no I’m far from ok.”

  
“Why did you do it then?” Dom asked.

  
Finick cleared his throat, “Hall passes, better hurry up don’t be later then you have to,” he said handing us our hall passes as I finished getting my clothes on.

  
Once we were out the door I felt like I was still suffocating, this damn school this fucking life. I couldn’t stand being in my own skin, I couldn’t stand living anymore, “I’m skipping.” I said going to the nearest exit and bursting through the doors before Dom could stop me as he came sprinting after me.

  
“Skipping is not a good idea John,” He warned me.

  
“Yeah what’s Watson going to do blow me?” I snorted.

  
“Probably,” Dom commented.

  
“I don’t care he can have it if he wants it so bad fuck maybe I’ll just cut it off and then he can blow it whenever he wants,” I said.

  
“What do you mean?” Dom asked confused, “Are you going to hurt yourself?”

  
“I don’t know,” I sighed.

  
“Please don’t it’s not worth it,” Dom reminded me, “You don’t want to be trapped in a basement for four weeks and everyone being told you’re in rehab. You think that was bad? You think this is bad nothing is as bad as that.”

  
“Yeah as you keep telling me so I guess if I’m going to kill myself I might as well do it right and not half-ass it,” I said.

  
“I know what class Pat is in want me to see if I can get his attention through the window? We could possibly get some smokes and then I can go off and …dick around somewhere so you two can be alone,” Dom said.

  
“Yeah whatever,” I replied shrugging my shoulders.

  
I did want him. I felt like I needed him but I didn’t want him to think I was gross when Dom told him what I had done that I had allowed Finick to go south on me without stopping him. Dom walked away around the building. My skin was still crawling and I didn’t have a drink on me. I felt like I wanted to die the feeling of his tongue still on my skin in different places I punched the brick wall until my knuckles were scrapped and bleeding and went to go punch it again when I heard yelling.

  
“Rabbit what on earth are you doing?” Pat called running over to me.

  
“NO! LET ME GO!” I screamed as he grabbed me by the shoulders pulling me away from the wall, “Please just let me go.”

  
“It’s ok,” Pat said as Dom helped him pull me back, “You’re ok.”

  
“This is not ok, none of it is ok,” I said through my tears trying to catch my breath.

  
“It will be though!” Pat said grabbing me by the chin making me look up into his eyes, “You have to believe that one day it will be otherwise this will never change. You’ll get through this. It’s only a little while longer ok?” he said hugging me tightly as Dom reached his hand into Pat’s back pocket making him laugh.

  
“You realize they’d pay us good money to see this?” Pat asked Dom.

“What me grabbing your ass searching for ciggs?” Dom asked.

  
“Oh yeah,” I said sniffling as I started to laugh, “Sad but so true.”

  
“Yeah well they can go fuck themselves,” Dom said and Pat and I nodded our heads in agreement as Dom handed me a cigg and Pat a cigg him still encircling me as Dom lit up Pat’s cigg.

  
“Thanks,” He muttered to him and Dom nodded his head.

  
I took the cigg out of my mouth and buried my head in Pat’s shoulder. His hands felt so nice so warm on my back as he stroked my shoulders. That is one thing that I would hate about leaving is that I couldn’t take him with me. That I couldn’t take any of them with me. I hated that the fact that when I left when I was free of all of this that they still wouldn’t be that they would be here still dealing with all of it.

  
Pat reached his arm around my back taking a drag as I moved my arms to wrap around his waist. At first I hadn’t wanted him to touch me at all but now I didn’t want him to let me go. I sighed breathing in his scent my head on his shoulder.

  
“You ok Rabbit?” He whispered into my ear.

  
“A little better,” I said.

  
“Yeah? Good,” He said kissing my cheek.

  
Dom cleared his throat, “Is it time for me to go?” He asked cocking his head and looking at Pat sideways.

  
“That’s up to John,” Pat answered taking another drag.

  
“You can stay if you want,” I said rubbing Pat’s back.

  
“I don’t have to stay. I mean I thought maybe you two might want to be alone to talk about what happened. That me being here might be awkward.” Dom answered shrugging his shoulders.

  
“Why would it be awkward for me?” I asked.

  
“Because I was there when…never mind,” Dom said.

  
“You act like he didn’t stick his hand down your pants first,” I murmured.

  
“He may have stuck his hand down my pants but, he didn’t…” I shot him a look, “Sorry, I’m just saying.”

  
“Finick?” Pat asked and nodded my head into his shoulder as he allowed his cigarette to fall to the ground.

  
“Yeah he was, you know he has a thing for us,” Dom said.

  
“Is that why you hurt your hand?” Pat asked taking my bruised and bloody hand in his.

  
“I just wanted to feel something else,” I answered not able to look him in the eye.

  
“Does he do that often?” Dom asked looking at Pat.

  
“Don’t talk about me like I’m not here,” I sighed into Pat’s shoulder.

  
“John if you’re hurting yourself on purpose that’s a problem that will get you locked in a basement I’m serious,” Dom said.

  
“It’s only been like 3 times before I think,” I said.

  
“Dom’s right you get caught they will make your life hell,” Pat sighed hugging me tightly.

  
“My life is already hell. Our lives are hell I don’t know what the fuck we’re going to do about this weekend because you know my uncle will make sure I go. He took the twins last week and they still don’t talk about what happened. I’ve only been there once and I’m beyond terrified and I’m supposed to go to a stupid doctor’s appointment tomorrow for a therapist Dr. Larkin, what exactly am I supposed to do Dr. Palmer told me not to say anything because she would tell them. How is any of this shit supposed to help me?” I said all at once.

  
“Rabbit,” Pat said, “Just wait two weeks and you’ll be gone ok? Just hold on.”

  
“I’m tired of holding on,” I moaned.

  
“I know,” Pat said rubbing my shoulders, “ It will be worth it to get out of here though and then you can get real help see a real therapist get real medication get past this maybe even get this bullshit to stop for all of us.”

  
“Are you really counting on me to get you guys out of this?” I asked.

  
“No,” Pat said kissing my forehead, “It’s just usually if one goes down they strike deals and name some names especially if the police search computers. That would take down my Dad, Arthur and maybe the Lord and who knows who they would name?”

  
“I see,” I said nodding my head.

  
“He doesn’t mean we’re expecting you to go through with all of that you know? A trial it’s a pain from what I’ve heard sometimes they ask you about specific things that happen and that’s huh, no,” Dom shook his head.

  
“What do you mean?” Pat asked.

  
“They want like huh records and stuff telling them what happened,” I answered, “My mum talked to Dr. Palmer about it she makes us, tries to make us keep journals about things it’s weird but it’s apparently supposed to make things easier if you keep track.”

  
“Really your mom makes you write it down?” Dom asked raising his eyebrows, “That’s kind of…fucked up.”

  
“Tell me about it. Last time we ran before last time she said she would never read them and guess what she did?” I said.

  
“NO!” Dom yelled in shock.

  
“Yep,” I said, “I quit writing stuff way before that but, yeah.”

  
“That sucks,” Dom said.

  
“Yeah there are still things she doesn’t know but whatever,” I said shrugging my shoulders, “She’s so worried about me not trusting her yet she has a problem with me keeping secrets when she goes through and reads things she promised she wouldn’t.”  
“And she has a problem with us,” Pat added.

  
“She’s catholic hard core,” I said, “She just like doesn’t get it. She doesn’t get that it’s easier to connect with people who understand you.”

  
“Wait she knows what your dad does to you but she has a problem with you getting it from someone else? That’s really weird,” Dom said.

  
“We’re not having sex, not really,” Pat said.

  
“What do you mean I thought you two were like into it pretty heavy? You haven’t gone all the way?” Dom asked and Pat looked at me for permission to answer.

  
I sighed finally breaking body contact with Pat running a hand through my hair, “Well, I’ve gone down on him a few times and well we’ve tried to…other stuff without the video cameras but it just hasn’t happened.”

  
“Trouble preforming?” Dom asked looking at me knowingly, “I mean you said you couldn’t let him but I didn’t realize that was because you couldn’t get it up because of them.”

  
“Oh my god I’m not talking about this,” I said.

  
“He has no problem getting it up,” Pat defended me, “He just doesn’t feel comfortable with it. You know what’s it’s like I mean,” Pat shrugged.

  
“Sorry,” Dom said, “I didn’t mean to offend you two.”

  
“I’m not offended I just don’t want to talk about it,” I said.

  
“There is nothing wrong with you making that choice you shouldn’t have to defend it, you shouldn’t have to respond at all,” Pat said to me.

  
“He didn’t mean anything by it you know he didn’t mean anything by it,” I said.

  
“I don’t care it meant something to me all right,” Pat said looking at me, “I accept your apology Dom thank you.”

  
“Yeah,” Dom said, “I really didn’t mean anything.”

  
“I know you didn’t,” I answered.

  
“Yeah you didn’t mean it the way it sounded I realize but still,” Pat said.

  
“I know it wasn’t right to say I’m sorry,” Dom said again.

  
“I forgive you,” Pat said.

  
“So?” I asked hugging Pat again, “What about those red sox?” I asked.

  
“Really I’m more of Mets guy myself,” Pat said laughing pressing his forehead to mine.

  
“Mets? What about the Yankee’s come on you two!” Dom said joining in on the conversation.

  
“You don’t know anything about the Yankee’s,” Pat said raising his eyebrows, “You don’t even know anything about baseball your sport is hockey.”

  
“That’s like saying a cow moo’s of course its hockey,” Dom sighed.

  
I laughed. Of course he was a hockey fan he was Russian pure blooded Russian and just about everyone knew it. I would miss these guys for sure especially Pat and the magic he could spread under my skin with his fingers. The look in his eyes that made me melt and made nothing else matter. I think I was staring at him because all of the sudden Dom cleared his throat loudly.

  
“I think I’m going to go check out that bush over there,” He said pointing at a bush a little bit away and winking at me and Pat as he walked off.

  
“Is that his way of saying he’s leaving us alone in case we want to make out?” Pat asked curious.

  
“Yes,” I answered.

  
“Interesting way of putting it,” Pat said nodding his head in amazement.

  
“Why?” I asked.

  
“I don’t know he’s weird, Dom is weird ok?” Pat said shaking his head pulling the tail of my button up out of the back of my pants so he could slide his hands across the skin of my lower back.

  
“He is,” I agreed, “You realize he really didn’t mean anything by it right?” I asked looking at him closely.

  
“I know it’s just weird to talk about I mean it’s not like I’m actually into a lot of guys ok? Mostly I’m into girls,” He said, “But you, you’re different.”

  
“I get it,” I said placing my hands on his neck rubbing the sides of his face, “God you’re amazing.”

  
“What?” Pat scoffed half laughing.

  
“No really,” I said seriously, “You worry about me so much, you care your hands I don’t know you make me feel like I’m important.”

  
“You are important,” Pat said rubbing his hands over the small of my back repeatedly sending warm soft thrills up and down my spine.

  
“Thank you,” I said leaning in and kissing him lightly on the lips.

  
Before I knew it he was kissing back first light and then harder his tongue rolling across mine his hands down the back of my pants grasping my ass gently as he lifted me, me wrapping my legs around his waist. It felt good, his tongue against my tongue his hands on my body and all I could think of was how badly I wanted to feel him in other places how badly I wanted to be a part of him and him apart of me as I started to unbutton his shirt my hands reaching for every bare inch of his skin I could find as he leaned me up against a tree so that my weight was supported by him and the tree and I was enjoying the feel of his hands on my body, the taste of his lips and tongue on mine. After a few moments I broke the kiss unable to breathe my heart beating fast in my chest with excitement my face flushed my breathing heavy and he looked the same.

  
“I think we should stop,” I said looking down at his undone fly and his tie that was completely undone as well as his shirt that was off and around his arms.

  
He nodded his head breathlessly, “Yeah,” He agreed taking a pause for a moment, “That was intense.”

  
“Can you imagine if we had gotten caught?” I asked as the reality hit me of how dangerous that had been making out behind the school.

  
“I don’t even want to think about it,” He answered me starting to fix his clothes as the bell rang to release us from our temporary prison and back to well our other prisons that there really wasn’t any true escape from.

  
“So do you even care that you missed last hour?” Pat asked looking at me after a moment.

  
“Nope,” I sighed, “I better have a fucking c anyway fucking McClairen.”

  
“You will,” He said, “Barren is going to be gone soon. Did he bother you today?”

  
“Not really,” I said shrugging my shoulders, “I won’t be here tomorrow for his class anyway got that doctors appointment.”

  
“Yeah that’s right I forgot,” He said, “So what are you going to tell her?”

  
“Easy to fuck off,” I said making Pat laugh.

  
“I’m not sure that works,” Pat said, “She’ll give you something good if you ask for it. Anti-anxieties, anti-depressants, ADD meds whatever you want. If you could score some Adderall and Xanax will you?”

  
“Sure but why?” I asked curious.

  
“Money, money where you’re not earning it from sucking dick or laying back while someone sucks yours so you end up hating yourself is always good,” Pat said and I nodded my head.

  
“Lord knows after we leave we’ll probably need it,” I sighed.

  
“Yeah that’s why I’m telling you to score the scripts,” Pat answered, “I know my Dad warned you what life would be like if you had actually managed to stay away. It doesn’t take long for that to happen you realize?”

  
“What my mum pimping me out?” I asked frowning.

  
“No, pimping herself out and maybe you deciding it’s the only way to keep everyone fed as well so you do what you have to,” Pat shrugged, “I don’t want you doing that.”

  
“I don’t want to,” I said.

  
“Yeah but, think of it this way. You do it to keep them safe so why wouldn’t you do it if it meant the difference between food in their stomachs and roof over their head or not having anything?” He said looking at me.

  
I shrugged my shoulders pulling my cigarette that had been forgotten for a while out of my pocket surpassingly intact and put it to my lips as Pat pulled out a lighter and lit it for me, “They are my kids you know?”

  
“I know,” He said nodding his head, “It’s not a choice you should ever have to make though that’s why you’re leaving.”

  
“I don’t know mum would let me if it came to that,” I said.

  
“You’re right she wouldn’t if she knew but how long was she in the dark about all of it in the first place?” He asked looking at me.

  
“My Da you mean? A while. I don’t think she knew for a while and when she figured it out that’s why she sent us off to boarding school she said. She said she made him see people and they had more or less confirmed that he was better so… here we are,” I answered.

  
“That’s bullshit,” Pat said, “I couldn’t ever trust someone again who would do that to my kid.”

  
“Well Da constantly reminds her it’s his money and she has no marketable skills to join the work force. He keeps her down in hopes she will put up with it but apparently she’s fed up enough to try leaving again now that we have some money and she has a better plan so I guess we’ll see how it goes. If I survive this weekend.” I answered.

  
“You’ll survive,” Pat said, “I’ll help you get pissed when we first get there don’t worry you won’t remember most of it I’ll make sure you are blacked out ok?” He said looking at me closely and then leaning in and giving me a quick peck on the cheek, “You better catch your bus, I’ll call you later all right?” He asked and I nodded my head throwing my smoke to the ground and walking off towards the buses to go home.

  
Will and I got off the bus and found mum downstairs feeding the babies and cooking dinner. This made me curious because usually we didn’t stray downstairs for much but I didn’t want to ask what was going on. Dinner was already in the oven which hadn’t been something I had seen in a while but that day she was on top of things for once.

  
“Smells good,” I commented throwing my bag down on the table as Will kicked his shoes off by the door, “What’s up?”

  
“Well, no one was colicky today everyone had good naps and I think I found something where we are going so…I figured we’d celebrate with Pot roast.”

  
“Found something?” I asked confused.

  
“Job,” She answered, “online.”

  
“That’s awesome,” I said, “Where is Uncle Ben.”

  
“He said he had some stuff he had to get done at a friend’s house so he wouldn’t be here this week,” She smiled happily, “So I figured we’d live in the house while we were still here.”

  
“Yeah I bet he does,” I sighed pulling out my history homework which I grabbed from one of the kids one the bus and starting working on it.

  
“So I don’t need to cook tonight?” Will asked excitedly.

  
“That’s right you or John don’t need to cook I have it covered,” Mum said walking over to Mary and spooning some baby food into her mouth.

  
A couple minutes later the back door burst open and the twins and James and Catherine came in all excited taking their places at the table while I finished up my own homework. I helped them and then set the table for mum as she finished up the pot roast and made the gravy and then we sat down to eat.

  
“Anything exciting happen at school today?” Mum asked us.

  
“We had art class today,” Catty answered, “We did models of what our world looks like. My world had black and red butterflies.”

  
“Why black and red?” I asked curious.

  
“Because she said what our world looks like and black and red are good colors and I like them,” She answered.

  
“Did you put some knifes in your world?” Matty asked Cat.

  
“No, I don’t like knifes,” Cat answered.

  
“You should knifes are good for stabbing bad people,” Matty answered.

  
“Matty knifes are for food not for people,” Mum said taking a bite of her food.

  
“Then why did that guy hold one to my neck last weekend?” He asked making the whole table freeze.

  
“What guy?” Mum asked.

  
“When Uncle Ben took us to that house,” Mike answered shaking his head.

  
“Guys can we not talk…” Mum cut me off.

  
“No, they want to talk about it let them,” Mum said, “What did he do with the knife Matty?”

  
“He held it to my neck and said if I didn’t quit squirming he was going to cut a hole in my neck,” Matt answered simply.

  
“Why would he do that?” She asked and I could see a careful look in her eyes like she was taking mental notes so she could write it down later.

  
“Because I didn’t want him sticking his thing in my throat,” Matt said making both Will and I cough.

  
“Mum I don’t think this is something that should be discussed at dinner,” I said my heart hammering against my rib cage.

  
“This is our lives John, it’s something that you guys need to be open with me about so that when the time comes…” I cut her off.

  
“You can tell the cops? What good is tormenting yourself with hearing about it going to do mum? If I told you everything that ever happened to me in detail you would never get out of bed and you know it just like I do. Andrew and Laura are almost old enough to understand and you really want Catherine and James exposed to more of it then they have to be? Please mum just not at dinner.” I begged.

  
“It’s not like she doesn’t know you realize?” Matt said looking at me, “I don’t think it’s weird I just didn’t want to and Uncle Ben said it was the guys way of making sure I knew he was in charge no big deal.”

  
“Matt, it is weird and it’s dangerous and it’s wrong ok? We don’t need to talk about this,” I said.

  
“If it’s so wrong then why in the vid---,” I kicked Matt lightly in the shin, “OUCH!”

  
“John did you just kick your brother?” Mum asked glancing at me.

  
“Hey he wants to talk about his shit fine, but he’s talking about mine,” I said.

  
“You don’t kick your brothers I don’t care what he was about to say and who knows maybe it’s something I need to hear because obviously you don’t tell me things,” She said.

  
“I’ve told you enough,” I sighed into my hands putting my fork down.

  
“Matt what were you saying?” Mum asked.

  
“Mum don’t,” Will tried to mediate.

  
“No I want to hear it Matt what were you saying?” She asked as Matt stared between us silently.

  
“Matt please,” I said shooting him the dirtiest look I could manage and shaking my head.

  
“Da showed me a video with John and him in bed and John was…” At that point I didn’t wait to be excused from the table but got up and left without waiting.

  
I hated the fucking video and wish it had never been made and I hated the fact that my mum had seen it and that my brother had seen it and now the fact that my brother was telling everyone including my mum that he had seen it. I had been black out drunk and still barely remembered it and what I did remember I didn’t remember mentally enjoying even if other parts of me had enjoyed it. As I walked upstairs and got to the lift I could feel his fingers clawing at me his breath on my skin as that sick tingle started working its way outward into my limbs. I didn’t want to hear about it and I didn’t want to talk about it I wanted it to go away I wanted all of it to just go away. A minute after I pushed the button the lift opened and I stepped on and hand reached out and touched my shoulder making me jump.

  
“Don’t touch me!” I screamed my breath catching in my chest.

  
“Love, it’s me,” Mum said quietly looking at me sadly, “Why didn’t you tell me your Da had shown him?”

  
“Who Matt?” I asked frowning.

  
“No the milk man, of course, your brother is too young for that kind of thing,” She said, “Who else?”

  
“Because I didn’t think it mattered but now you know anyway,” I sneered.

  
“If you didn’t think it mattered then why didn’t you tell me in the first place?” Mum asked me.

  
“Because it’s bad enough you saw it mum,” I said feeling like I couldn’t catch my breath as she looked at me like she was judging me seeing that video as she looked at me seeing what had happened again.

  
“Let me go upstairs,” I said wiping at my eyes fiercely, “I know he’s too young but obviously Da doesn’t think so. He thinks he’s the prefect age. You know how old I was the first time Da ever … I was his age mum ok? It’s bad enough I have no control over my life, my body but now I don’t even have control over the conversations I have to listen to or when people talk about me in front of me? You know how fucking shitty that is? How fucking messed up that is?” I hissed, “Now if you don’t mind I’m going upstairs to my room to be alone so you guys can talk about me all you fucking like and I don’t have to hear it ok? Bye.”

  
Mum stepped back and the lift closed I punched in my code. I remember feeling so angry but yet somehow better that I had put that out there. How I thought it was no one’s business to talk about what had happened to me because it had been me not them. They might have seen it on a TV screen but they didn’t live it they couldn’t feel what he did to me how me made me feel they just had to watch it.

  
Thinking about them and all of the other people that had probably seen it made my stomach churn bile rising in my throat to the point where when I got to my room I ran to the bathroom and threw up my barely digested dinner rising my mouth out with mouth wash and then throwing myself onto my bed and pulling my bottle out from its place and taking a huge swig. I didn’t want to wait until Friday or Saturday or whenever to get black out drunk I wanted it now. I didn’t want to have to think, to feel to remember. I just wanted everything to go away I wanted to be someone else somewhere else I wanted things to be different.

  
I probably sat there on my bed drinking for a while and finally got up when I had to piss and then decided to call Pat. I don’t know why I thought calling him while I was drunk would be a good idea and I don’t even really remember the conversation at all I only know bits and pieces from what he told me. Apparently I was very descriptive about some activities I wanted to partake in with him but that is neither here nor there at this point in my life but it was something I don’t think I had ever voiced in that manner before and don’t think I would have had to courage to do so if I hadn’t been beyond drunk.

  
I woke up at some point that night still hung over but the sickness starting to set in where my head felt heavy and my stomach felt raw the alcohol swirling around my system almost like the tiny white pieces of plastic in a snow globe turned upside down. I remember being restless for a while until I finally passed out again after spending what felt like hours or days in the bathroom throwing up whatever had managed to stay in my system and waking up with a pounding headache when my alarm went off at 5:30am to start getting ready for school. After my morning shot and getting showered and dressed I went to the nursery to check and see if anyone needed to be fed or changed to find mum there snoozing lightly in the rocker with Mac in her lap, the creak of the door stirring her awake.

  
“Morning,” She yawned sitting up slightly shifting Mac’s weight carefully so as not to wake him.

  
“Morning,” I said sheepishly, “Mum I’m so…”

  
“No I’m sorry. You’re right I shouldn’t allow other people to say things you’re not willing to share. It won’t happen again,” She said, “Why are you up so early?” She asked me.

  
“I have school remember?” I asked.

  
“You have a dr.’s appointment remember?” She asked reminding me.

  
“I forgot,” I sighed, “Well I’m awake now so might as well get the troop’s ready,” I said shrugging, “Angela is taking me?” I asked curiously.

  
“Yes,” Mum answered, “She’ll be here around 9 your appointment is 90 minutes then she’s going to feed you and take you to school just in case so you don’t miss lunch.”

  
“Ok, cool,” I said, “How did you meet this woman again?”

  
“Well when your Da and I were in New York Mr. Lord introduced us to some of his friends and that’s where we met Angela and her husband. They don’t seem into the weird stuff your Da is into so that’s good. I talked to her all night just about. You’ll like her. She’s referring a nanny to us to help me out until we have our chance to get out of here.” She said.

  
I nodded my head. Maybe Angela was good for my mum. My Da didn’t really let her have friends and I knew it had to be lonely with just the babies and her all day long. I helped wrangle everyone and handed Will a note to give to Pat and saw them safely onto the bus. I then went back upstairs and did some homework until it was closer to nine and then mum told me to wait downstairs. I decided to go outside and sit with my bag in the yard and catch up on some reading for my lit class when a black SUV pulled up. All the windows were tinted and I thought that was weird and it seemed strange and then the person rolled down the window and I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me.


	31. 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bad things happen, and sometimes you just don't remember what's real anymore. What matters anymore. Sometimes you have to make sure that it's not all a dream even though you so desperately hope it is. Sometimes you feel like there's no where to turn that everywhere is darkness and nightmares waiting in the shadows when you're just looking for a face, a smile, a scent a voice, lips to chase away the horrible whispers left on your skin. Sometimes you're just looking for words that don't hurt and hands that don't make you want to bleed. Sometimes...sometimes you're just looking for a way to hold on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pages 707 to 739. There is actually a lot going on in this chapter and I mean A LOT. I did something different for the chapter summary. Let me know what you think if it makes you want to read it more or less. Comments and questions are great.Warnings: Rape/non-con, Anxiety, Panic attacks, PTSD, mental health, talk of drug use, delinquent behavior, Consentual kissing, angst, self-injury

It was Leo. He had sunglasses on but I could tell he was staring at me and I could feel his dirty thoughts penetrating my clothes making me naked for him.

  
“Need a ride?” He asked me.

  
“Mm-my mum’s friend Angela is supposed to take me to an appointment,” I answered.

  
“Angie’s my wife,” He answered, “I’m taking you instead one of the boys school called he’s not feeling well so she had to go pick him up. I said I would take you to your appointment.”

  
“I-I-I’m nnnot sure my mum would be ok with that,” I stammered.

  
“No, its fine I mean you could always go inside and ask but then you’ll be late,” He said smiling at me, “Hop in.”

  
I took a deep breath. Every cell in my body was telling me not to get into that car that nothing good would come of it but I knew my mum wanted me to go to this appointment and that she couldn’t take me. Angela was supposed to be taking me not Leo. I knew I could go inside and tell my mum that I didn’t feel safe about it but, I didn’t want to bother her and I wasn’t sure if she would actually care enough to take me herself or what so I took a deep breath and opened the door.

  
“Good man,” He said smiling at me taking his sunglasses off and reaching across me grabbing my seat belt and doing it up for me as I held my breath trying to make myself small. My heart was pounding so hard I could have sworn he could hear it just sitting next to me even with the radio lightly playing. We rode in silence until we got to a stop light and then he sighed.

  
“You’re afraid of me?” He asked me suddenly looking over at me.

  
“What?” I asked clenching and unclenching my right fist by the window hoping to keep myself from shaking.

  
“You don’t need to be tense I won’t hurt you. I can be nice you know?” He asked me glancing back at the light and road continuing to drive as the light turned green.

  
“None of you are nice,” I said honestly and quietly.

  
“No, that’s not true I’m sure your Dad tries very hard to be nice to you,” He said, “I know I wasn’t exactly nice before and I’m sorry sometimes I get too edger. I’ll be nice this time though I swear.”

  
“Does he know?” I asked referring to my Da whether he knew what Leo was doing or not. Because Da had sworn to me that he was going to give me a break that was a part of the reason he left in the first place was to give me some space.

  
“Not exactly,” Leo admitted, “Are you asking because you want money?” He asked me.

  
I felt hot and light headed. I didn’t know what to do to get myself out of this. Away from him. I felt like I hadn’t really given myself many options but to make sure we stayed in fairly public areas but that didn’t exactly help with the car thing knowing that I could see out the car windows just fine but no one could really see in.

  
I sighed and pull down the passenger side visor and that’s when I noticed it. The back seats were folded down extending the trunk and it was made up sort of like a bed. I started fidgeting I knew this was bad. This was really really bad.

  
“If you want money just say so,” He said, “I have no problem paying you for it, it could be our little secret.”

  
“Could we just skip the whole thing?” I asked my voice a little high, nearly a squeak.

  
“I think we’ll see what Dr. Larkin has to say about that,” Leo said hitting the turn signal and turning into a parking lot.

  
It was a big building with many different offices. A long stair case leading upstairs with a board next to it listing then numbers and names of the different office suites. I found the right one and followed the signs down the hallway Leo walking behind me making me feel stiff and frozen as I walked. This wasn’t good. I prayed that someone else would be in the waiting room and someone was.

  
It didn’t take long before a shrewd looking woman came out of the back room smiling, “John McGregor?” She asked and I stood up, “Are your parents here?” She asked and Leo smiled at her.

  
“Dr. Swartzman nice to see you,” She said smiling, “I heard you were in New York for new years with my father did you enjoy it?”

  
“It was amazing I have to say I’m glad my wife and I went,” He said, “John’s parents couldn’t make it Dad is out of town and his mom has many little ones so I did them a favor and brought him.”

  
“Oh really? That’s fine I think we have somethings to talk about,” She said smiling at me and gesturing for me to walk back which I did reluctantly, “Take a seat anywhere you like, anywhere you’re comfortable.”

  
I sat down in a chair that looked sort of like a dining chair. I wasn’t going to let my guard down around this woman. She didn’t look like a good person and the fact that she knew who Leo was told me that there was something off. I remembered the guys saying she worked for the brotherhood but I wasn’t sure what that meant exactly.

  
“So you’ve been feeling anxiety John?” She asked me opening up a file and glancing at it.

 

“I guess so,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

  
“You seem tense right now something on your mind?” She asked me.

  
“No,” I lied, “I’m fine.”

  
“You sure about that? Are you sure Dr. Swartzman or me aren’t making you nervous?” She asked me.

  
“Yes, I’m sure I’m fine,” I lied again.

  
“How are things at home?” She asked.

  
“Ok,”

  
“Do you get along with mom?” She asked me looking at her file again.

  
“Yeah I mean I guess so,” I said.

  
“And what about you’re Dad?” She said.

  
I stared at her blankly. I wasn’t going to talk about that. Not with her not with anyone.

  
“It’s ok,” I lied.

  
“Your relationship with him?” She asked me.

  
I shrugged my shoulders.

  
She sighed and took her glasses off setting them on the desk behind her, “A lot of boys your age don’t always get along with their parents. It’s a part of growing up but you have to trust their rules that they are doing what’s best for you. Is there anything that they do that you don’t like?”

  
I knew she was trying to trick me into telling. Letting her know what happened I knew it was a bad idea to say anything so I just shrugged my shoulders again. I probably could have easily lied and made up little things that annoyed me like how my mum always wanted me to clean my room how it felt like I took care of my brothers and sisters more than she did how I thought my mum hated me maybe a little bit because of how screwed up everything was but I didn’t want to say any of those things. I didn’t want to hear that maybe they were true.

  
I sighed, “Why am I here?”

  
“You’re here because your parents are worried,” She answered, “You know there are things that Dad’s do sometimes to show their love that might make us uncomfortable if we don’t understand it is your dad like that?” She asked.

  
“I don’t know what you mean,” I said and she shifted in her chair.

  
“Well,” She said thinking about it carefully, “People express their love for their spouses differently than they do their love for their children or their friends. Some men express love differently from other men to make sure their kids know that they are special to them and that’s ok. It can probably be confusing for someone your age but I want you to know that’s ok. It’s ok to be confused.”

  
“What do you mean confused?” I asked.

  
“Well, sometimes boys want to share those actions with other people their age and that might not be appropriate. Other boys their age maybe.” She said.

  
Oh fuck really she was having the gay talk with me? It took everything in me not to roll my eyes.

  
“I’m not gay,” I said.

  
“You’re not?” She asked me, “Because it’s ok to not know or be confused. There is nothing wrong with being confused but the type of stuff that happens between dads and their children like that should stay between a dad and his children. No one else needs to know about it, you understand what I’m saying?

  
“No I’m not gay and I still have no clue what you’re talking about,” I said a half truth. I didn’t feel like I was gay Pat was just different to me it didn’t seem gay at all that I wanted to touch him and be inside of him and feel his hands on my skin. And the other part I just wanted to hear her say she knew. That she was telling me not to tell anyone because she knew what was happening how things were in my life between my Da and I and that she was basically telling me to keep my mouth shut.

She gave me a strained smile and then got up slowly going over to the corner and turning on a machine and then locking the door. When she sat back down she sighed, “You shouldn’t talk about what happens between you and your father.”

  
“I don’t,” I answered simply.

  
“That’s not what I’ve heard,” She said.

  
“You heard wrong,” I answered back.

  
“Then how did that doctor find out about everything that was going on?” She asked.

  
“Maybe because I’m a freak who drinks his feelings and can’t have people touch him? Who the fuck knows but I didn’t say anything all right? Are you going to give me some pills or not?” I asked.

  
“Do you love him?” She asked me confusing me.

  
“Love who?” I asked.

  
“Your father,” She replied.

  
“I don’t know he’s my Da,” I answered not wanting to tell her outright that I hated him that I wanted to set him on fire and watch him burn that he wasn’t the Da I remembered from being a kid that he wasn’t the Da I had thought I had before he started hurting me.

  
“It’s ok to love him,” She said, “its natural.”

  
I rolled my eyes.

  
“What?” She asked me.

  
“I’m not talking about this,” I answered.

  
“About what?” She asked me.

  
“My life ok I’m not talking about any of it. My mum, my Da, my siblings, friends none of it,” I said defiantly.

  
“Why don’t we talk about your drinking then? How long have you been an alcoholic?” She asked surprising me.

  
“What? How the hell do you know that?” I asked confused.

 

“Your mom wanted me to address it,” She said, “When did you start drinking?”

  
“I don’t know it just happened,” I said shrugging my shoulders even though I could still remember the taste of my first drink the bourbon that Uncle Ben had given me to calm my nerves that had gone straight to my head.

  
“Why do you do it?” She asked.

  
“Because then I don’t have to think, I don’t have to feel hell if I drink enough of it in a day I don’t even have to remember ok?” I said.

“Remember what?” She asked me.

  
“Anything,” I answered.

  
“What’s so bad that you don’t want to remember? How much he loves you? How much he wants to make sure you know he loves you? How he makes you feel?” She asked curiously.

  
“He doesn’t love me,” I said knowing exactly who we were talking about.

  
“Why do you say that?” She asked me.

  
“Because he doesn’t,” I said.

  
“But what he does he does out of love John don’t you see that? All the stuff he provides to you he does because he wants to not because he has to,” She said.

  
“If he really loved me,” I said suddenly surprising myself, “He wouldn’t make me want to kill myself.”

  
“How can he make you feel anything? Isn’t it possible that you are feeling that on your own?” She asked me, “It is possible you feel guilty because society tells you that you shouldn’t like certain things he does? The way he make your body feel?”

  
“I’m not talking about this,” I said shaking my head and getting up to leave the room.

  
“Sit down or I will tell your parents you are resistant to treatment,” She said, “The best way to deal with it is to come to terms with the fact that he does love you and he just wants you to know it.”

  
“Even if I say no?” I asked.

  
“Why don’t you try saying yes once? It might make you feel better about it,” She said, “Make it your choice.”

  
“What don’t you get? It is my choice I know that I’m not stupid. It’s a choice every single time to do it even if I don’t want to.” I said.

  
“What do you mean? What are your choices?” She asked me.

  
“Well I can either say no and let him go do it to one of my brothers or I can lay back and say “ok” even though I would rather die than have him touch me. That is my choice and you know what choice I always make? Because their happiness their safety matters more than my own?” I asked, “Take a wild guess.”

  
She frowned, “So you’re depraving your brothers of your fathers love? That’s a little selfish don’t you think?”

  
“I’m done, go ahead and tell them I’m resistant to treatment because I’m not falling for this bullshit,” I nearly yelled getting up and walking out the door before she could stop me. I knew everything she was telling me were lies. Only a sick freak would think that protecting them was selfish not letting my Da rape them was selfish. I was done with this bitch she could keep her medication and her special type of crazy I was out of there. I didn’t even stop once I got to the waiting room where Leo was sitting reading a magazine of some kind half-running half walking past him hoping that my lunch money was enough to catch me a bus to school so I didn’t have to deal with him. By the time I made it to the front door of the office building I was so upset I was crying and I hadn’t realized it and I stopped to catch my breath and felt a hand on my back. I turned with my arm raised and he caught my arm mid strike as I moved to punch him in the face.

  
“Calm down,” Leo said to me gently, “You’re fine let’s go grab some food.”

  
“Yeah,” I shook my head my nervous tick kicking in, “right.”

  
“You need to relax, we’ll find some place to go, spent some time a park maybe?” He asked his eyes raking up and down my body undressing me. I wasn’t stupid I knew that’s why he drove me in the first place and had just been waiting for him to hint that’s what he wanted from me.

  
“I have school you know,” I said trying to pull out of his grip.

  
“It’s ok, don’t worry about it,” He said smiling at me, “I’ll be nice if you’re nice.”

  
“Nice how?” I asked my tone cold. That was something I didn’t want to do I knew I had little to no choice but I wanted to make my feelings clear to him that it was something I wasn’t interested in at all.

  
“You know how,” He said reaching out to touch my cheek with his other hand causing me to try and pull away.

  
“No!” I said as forcefully as I could manage.

  
He grabbed me roughly by the forearms shaking me a little trying to force me to focus, “Listen you can do this and I can be gently and nice or I can tie your hands behind your back with duct tape and put some over your mouth. Your choice how do you want to do this?” He said quietly looking around to see if people were paying attention.

  
I swallowed trying to force my panic back down. I wasn’t stupid I knew that sometimes it was easier to submit then it was to fight it but I didn’t want him touching me I didn’t want to feel his hands on my body or inside of me. He let go of me stepping back and giving me some space a moment to think. He stared at me waiting for my answer.

  
“Ok,” I said slowly choosing the better of two evils. I knew once he was done I could always drink myself silly in hopes I wouldn’t remember when I woke up so I decided that was probably better.

  
“Good,” He said nodding his head, “Climb in the back. I’ll drive find us a spot.”

  
“We’re not going to your house or a hotel or something?” I asked confused.

  
He stifled a small laugh, “I’m weird, I like the illusion of possibly getting caught so I usually just use the back of the truck.”

  
“Oh,” I said as we walked over the car and he opened one of the back doors for me and I climbed in.

  
He got into the driver’s seat without saying anything and I sat against with my back against the door pulling my knees into my chest my heart feeling like a wild animal clawing at my ribcage looking for escape. I didn’t want to do this. The last time kept flashing in my head as he drove the feeling of his hands already etched into my mind playing itself out over and over on my skin making me feel like I couldn’t breathe. Making me wish I could be something else maybe a fly that could escape out the open window as we drove around until he came to a park and pulled into the parking lot. It was 11am on a Tuesday so the park and parking lot were empty the 60 degree weather too cold for most young children to be out and about anyway. He stopped and pulled something out of the middle console and put it on the other side of the folded down seats I glanced over condom and lube of course. My blood ran cold as he opened the door and hopped in taking his jacket off and throwing it near the hatch.  
“Just relax,” He said taking my arms and unlatching them from around my knees like he was opening a box pulling me towards him. Before I knew it his tongue was in my mouth as he undid my school tie letting it fall somewhere beside me. He broke the kiss to pull my vest of my head his hands going to his pants to slide them off. I didn’t want to do this. This wasn’t right I knew this wasn’t and my whole being was screaming at me to not let him do it to stop him to try and fight.

  
“You’re amazing,” He whispered into my ear straddling me as I tried as hard as possible to make myself invisible failing horribly at it his hands untucking my shirt from my pants and then ripping my shirt open at the buttons yanking it down my arms and off my body as his mouth started biting and sucking at my neck and collar bones his hands then moving up my under shirt starting to force it over my head. Once he pulled it off and tossed it beside me his hands went to my pants and started messing with my fly his mouth moving lower down my torso towards my nipples making me nervous as I started to shake.

  
“Wait,” I said trying to keep my voice steady, “slow down just a little bit.”

  
“You agreed to be good,” He mumbled into my lower rib cage as he finally managed to get my pants undone and started sliding them down my hips.

  
“I can’t do this,” I said the frozen fire spreading through my veins. I couldn’t do that anything but that. He could anally rape me all he wanted but I didn’t want him to do that.

  
“You promised,” He said again starting to pull my penis out through the fly hole in my boxers his kisses trailing even lower.

  
“No,” I said trying to push him off, “Slow down please god just slow down,” I said.

  
“God? I like that,” He said amused as he kissed my tip making me instantly freeze. Because trust me when some guy has your dick in his hands you freeze because that’s a really easy way to make sure they hurt you. He started blowing me my head starting to tingle first near my ears and then spreading outward and up over my skull my whole body responding to his actions in ways I couldn’t control as I tried counting my breaths trying to keep myself breathing closing my eyes so hard they hurt my body still shaking as he did what he wanted getting me to respond the way he wanted me to. After I had climaxed breathless under him he pulled my underwear off sliding his down to my knees using his fingers to spread me before he slid in the wet and cold causing my eyes to snap open and gasp involuntarily.

  
“Yeah baby?” He whispered into my ear lobe as he pulled out and slammed back in making the first thrust, “God you feel amazing he said licking my neck his hands on my hips and lower stomach as he guided himself in and out my body still trembling me still trying to count my breaths to make sure I stayed breathing as I felt the tears starting to come from my eyes my body sending so many mixed signals up and down my spine I couldn’t tell if he was hurting me or not as he started to moan louder and talk dirty while I ignored him trying to find some place to go in my head. Just then he heard a car coming down the drive and he looked over but kept thrusting, “Oh fun I think it might be Hank,” He said somewhere above me.

  
“Fuck no!” I said pushing at him hard trying to get him off of me but it seemed just like before at the restaurant the harder I fought the stronger he got like my resistance was making him stronger and I knew he liked the fact I was fighting trying to push him off of me out of me as he continued to thrust in and out, “STOP! NO STOP!” I screamed at him as he forced my hands away from in-between us and starting trying to pin them behind my back.

  
“You said you wouldn’t fight,” I reminded me again making me freeze once more, “I could hurt you really bad you realize? And then I’m sure knowing your uncle you’d still have to go to the party on Friday. You want to go there with a ripped asshole and bruises keep trying be my guest.” He huffed above me still not stopping.

  
I gave up fighting and just laid there letting him do what he wanted. His hands still all over my body his tongue in my ear and at my neck giving me a hickey as he nibbled at my skin. The closer he got to climax the less he kissed me and more he moaned up against my ear making my ear drums hurt a little bit as I waited for Hank or someone else to come up and knock on the door or window knowing that unless they squinted and used their hands to block out the light it would be really hard for them to see what was going on inside the SUV for them to see what was happening to me even though I was sure they could probably hear him across the parking lot. When he finished he pulled out.

  
“You’re amazing baby,” He said kissing my ear and back down my neck into my torso again and I knew he was going to go down on me again.

  
“Stop,” I said trying to push him away again earning myself a punch to the rib cage a hard punch that knocked the air out of me.

  
“I said no more fighting, you really looking to get the shit beat out of you huh sweetheart?” He muttered as his face found its way back to my pubic bone and he started blowing me again. Making my mouth go wide as my eyes started to roll because he was taking me over the edge into a climax that was making me see fireworks and feel all of my cells explode with a feeling of warm sickening tingles throughout my whole body.

  
Just then there was a sharp tap on the window which caused him to stop and look at the window, “Ah fun,” He said smiling, “Cops you know him?” He asked me getting me to open my eyes. It wasn’t someone I knew so I shook my head, “Ok,” he said, “climb under this blanket and I’ll find my pants.” He said crawling to the back of the trunk as I did what I was told and pulled the blanket over my naked body all the way up to my chin hoping that maybe this would be the end of it. He climbed over top of me and into the front seat his pants still undone but on as he rolled down the window.

  
“Hello officer,” He said smiling as I laid down burying myself as deep into the blanket as I could even though it smelled like sex and ball sweat because I didn’t want to be seen. I didn’t want this guy to get the wrong idea that I was some cheap trick even though that’s exactly what I felt like I was at that point.

  
“What are you doing here? Parks supposed to be closed until 4,” The officer said sternly.

  
“Is it really? I was waiting for a friend I’m supposed to meet him here with his kids,” He said smiling trying to be casual.

  
“Do you have any ID on you?” He asked him and then was silent for a moment.

  
“Oh crap you know what I think I left my wallet in the back if you’ll just give me a second. I was taking a nap back there,” He said as the officer interrupted.

  
“You’re in a park parking lot that’s not open waiting for a friend you’re supposed to meet here when it does open with his kids taking a nap in the back seat?” The officer scoffed as I tried my best not to even breathe my whole body covered with the blanket.

  
“Yes,” He said, “Is there something wrong with that officer?”

  
“It’s a little strange I’m going to have to ask you to step out of the vehicle so I can search it if that’s all right with you,” The officer said.

  
“You have no reason to search my car,” Leo answered in what sounded like an aggressive tone. I sighed but must have done so louder than I thought because there was a pause.

  
“Is someone in the vehicle with you sir?” the officer asked and I could picture myself getting a swift punch to the kidneys or my balls twisted.

  
“Why would you say that?” Leo asked keeping surprisingly calm. I couldn’t see what happened but Leo sighed, “Listen can you over look this if I drive off and find someplace else to nap?”

  
“Are you bribing me?” I heard the officer ask.

  
I would have laughed at that but honestly I really didn’t want to be caught in the back of Leo’s car naked and I didn’t want to have to worry about my mum being called or missing school or any other bullshit that was going to happen if this cop didn’t just leave.

  
“Not at all officer, just asking a question,” Leo said simply.

  
“All right, yeah go,” The cop answered waving Leo off as Leo rolled up his window and shifted into reserve leaving the park.

  
“SHIT that was fun!” Leo said glancing back at me, “Stay there we’ll find another place in a couple of minutes he said, “Then we can finish.”

  
All I could think was fuck that. Fuck that hard I was not going to let him “finish” anything. I was done my body felt vile beyond gross the feeling of his skin against mine making me sick to my stomach parts of my body still sticky and wet I didn’t want to stay in that car especially with him. I was done. I had literally no shirt but, I was done. I rummaged around trying to find the clothes I did have and managed to find my pants and socks as well as undershirt but couldn’t find anything else. I was in the process of doing up my pants when he finally found a spot to park and started crawling over the seat again into the back to be with me.

  
“What are you doing?” He asked me as I went to slide my under shirt over my head and he grabbed it throwing it into the front seat and straddling me pinning my arms with his knees.

  
“Can we be done?” I asked not really looking at him trying to avoid look at him really. I didn’t like the way he was staring at me it reminded me too much of Da and the way he would always stare at me. It didn’t matter what I was doing I could tell from his face what was going on in his mind.

  
“Just a couple more times,” He said, “At least this way you don’t have to go to school.”

  
“Maybe I want to go to school,” I said grimacing in pain as he pressed harder with his knees into my forearms.

  
“Yeah well maybe I want to suck you off until you’re dry,” He said licking his lips.

  
“I really really hate that,” I said finally looking him in the face.

  
“Really? You didn’t seem to hate it earlier,” He said finally unpinning my arms pushing me flat onto my back burying his face in my neck and chest making me tense, “In fact I’d say you really enjoyed it.”

  
“I have problems with people… ok, stop it,” I said his hands sliding down the front of my pants grabbing me starting to give me a hand job as I tried to not push him away.

  
“Do I have to force you?” He asked licking down my collar bone and biting my nipple softly.

  
“You are forcing me I don’t want to do this,” I answered honestly clenching my fist by my sides to keep myself from pushing him away.

  
“Your body isn’t saying that,” He muttered licking the brand on my hip as he pulled my pants back down making me squirm.

  
“No!” I said digging my nails into the back of his head making him grab my hand and squeeze hard popping my knuckles.

  
“Next time I’ll break them,” He said looking up at me, “Keep your hands to yourself if you can’t be nice.”

  
“You know this is rape right?” I muttered as his mouth slide around me making me inhale sharply and gasps.

  
He didn’t stop to reply he just kept going until I climaxed my eyes rolling toes curling body shuddering only stopping when I was out of breath and soft again.

  
“Can’t rape the willing and your dick is very willing,” He said lifting up my flaccid penis and sucking one of my balls, “You taste amazing you know that right?”

  
“I don’t want to do this,” I stated again making sure he knew how I felt not that it mattered.

  
He did it again and then again and then again until I could no longer speak because I couldn’t catch my breath and then he climbed on top of me entering me pounding hard and fast until he reached climax and rolled off of me satisfied. I wanted to ask him if he was done but was afraid saying anything would trigger him into touching me again and I couldn’t stand the thought of that happening. I honestly just wanted him to let me out of the car. I didn’t care where I was how far away from home or school I was I just didn’t want to be anywhere near him anymore pretty sure my and dick was bruised from all the sucking and me unable to stop shaking even though I didn’t have the energy to speak or cry. After he had his clothes on he sighed looking at me closely and then reached out and touched my cheek causing me to flinch and scoot backwards away from him.

  
“Don’t be like that,” He warned me shaking his head, “I maybe dressed but you’re still a bit exposed there baby.” He reminded me licking his lips again, “I can go through McDonalds drive thru get you some food if you want. Would that make you happy? Wake you up for another round?”

  
I looked down at my feet that were covered in the blanket I had wrapped myself in earlier. I didn’t want to be anywhere close to this guy and yet I knew I couldn’t run. In fact I still hadn’t been able to figure out what the hell he had done with my shoes. I shook my head my tongue touching my back molar. I didn’t have the energy to cry and I didn’t want to give this fucker the satisfaction of knowing he had broken me more than once.

  
“Look at me,” He said coming closer to me causing me to try and make myself flesh against the door and window. Everything about him was reminding me of Da the way he was looking at me the way he was speaking the way he seemed not satisfied with the fact I was finished the way I didn’t seem to matter. He placed his hand on my chin forcing my face to turn in his direction, “Look at me baby.” He said again.

  
Finally I glanced up at his face briefly. Yep I saw a whole shit load of Connor there. That same pervy stare that same wicked smile. Before Leo I thought there was no one else like my Da no one that cruel but I was so wrong Leo taught me that lesson and he taught it to me very well that day. I mean most people would probably think my Uncle Ben was the really evil one but Uncle Ben through more punches, broken more bones and bruised more skin then he hurt in other ways. My Da tore your soul in half making you wish you were dead because he knew what to say to make you hate yourself and that there is true evil because those wounds no one can see and they take forever to heal if they heal at all. They are nasty wounds that fester and seep forever. Wounds I still have.

  
“You I have beautiful eyes,” He said his hand brushing roughly against my neck rubbing it slowly like he was thinking about choking me. I could see it in his face too he wanted to hurt me now that he had gotten everything else out of the way. That he was just keeping me there naked and ready because he wanted to make sure I knew he was in charge that there wasn’t any escape until he let me go that we weren’t done until he said we were, “Can I get you anything?” He asked leaning close to me breathing in my ear making me tense my shoulders coming up to protect my neck.

  
“Vodka?” I said quietly timidly.

  
“You’re one of those?” He asked me scooting back away from me a bit and sighing, “I would have thought you were better than that. No Vodka, You’re not in withdrawals so you’re fine. I want you to remember how good this day felt in case it never happens again. You get a big mac, fries and a coke how about that?” He said climbing back over the seat into the driver’s seat and taking off, “Make sure you dunk down when we get to the drive through I don’t want them seeing you and asking weird questions he said.

  
I stayed laying down where I was. No one could see me unless he rolled down the back window anyway. I felt numb emotionally the rest of me a jumble of overstimulated nerves every bump in the road hurting somehow. A random thought struck me. Did my mum really know I was with Leo and what if he decided to never take me home? For all I knew he could dump me in a ditch somewhere after he was finished with me and my family would never see me again. That thought terrified me not the thought of being dead but the thought of them not knowing what happened to me. After he pulled away from the drive thru I sighed and then asked him.

  
“Are you ever going to take me home?”

  
“Well,” He said pausing as if reflexing, “Yes but I’m going to ask your Dad if maybe he would consider contracting you out to me.”

  
“Contracting me out?” I asked confused.

  
“Meaning you’re with me and him and only me and him. You do what we say when we say it. I can pick you up from school we’ll do a little bump and grind and then drop you back off. It just means no one else is allowed to touch you.” He answered me, “I don’t like to share you see?”

  
“What about Dylan?” I asked.

  
“Dylan?” He I saw him smile, “Dylan is getting a little too old for me he’s 17. That’s like really pushing it for me. He’s good don’t get me wrong but my taste lay in other places. You I like you. You’re beautiful, you’re the right age just looking at you makes me hard, makes me want to touch you, taste you. You’re prefect just ripe.”

  
“You make me sound like a piece of fruit,” I commented.

  
He laughed loudly, “I don’t mean it like that I mean you could use a little more hair a little more height but, you’re prefect otherwise. I like between 12 and usually 15 after that I start to lose interest. I met your Dad at a weekend at the Villa he commented on Dylan and then he showed me a video he shot of you. God it was amazing. You hanging up in that swing surrounded by all those dicks taking it from all sides you breathless and squirming it was one of the hottest things I’ve seen in a while.”

  
I squirmed uncomfortably. I didn’t even remember that happening not really. I remembered being strapped in some of the stuff that happened but I was passed out for a lot of it or my memory somehow got altered because there were a lot of things from that I didn’t remember like Pat and Cole. I knew it happened because they told me but I didn’t remember it at all. He drove around for a while after handing me my food. I didn’t bother to touch it. I wasn’t hungry especially knowing what was going to happen once he stopped driving my heart feeling like it was in my throat. I thought about school how the day was almost over and I thought about Pat. God how bad I wanted Pat because he made everything better. Thinking of him almost made me cry how I might never see him again. How sick and tired I felt. Finally after driving for a while the roads turned to gravel and then dirt. Then he pulled over and stopped. Getting out of the car and going around to the door to hop in back with me.  
“You didn’t eat your food,” He commented looking into the paper bag full of fast food he had given to me.

  
“I wasn’t hungry,” I said staring out the window not wanting to look at him knowing he was going to rape me again I felt so trapped. Who knew you could feel so fucking trapped in a car.

  
“That’s all right baby, I can make you hungry,” he said grabbing my leg and using it to pull me towards him, “You want to ride on top after I suck you off?” he asked me starting to lick and bite my neck.

  
“I don’t want to do anything at all so the answer is no,” I said as he started kissing down my chest again.

  
“You’ve quit fighting,” He commented as I inhaled deeply when he stuck his tongue in my belly button.

  
“Well apparently it doesn’t help me so why keep trying?” I asked.

  
“Don’t be smart,” He said sharply starting what he wanted to do. He blew me to climax three or four more times before he decided to anally rape me again by the time he was finished the windows were fogged up and I was beyond tired.

  
I wanted to go home. I remember thinking that over and over even while he was on top of me. I just wanted to go home. I curled into a ball when I thought he was done but he touched my back setting my skin on fire.

  
“Just stop,” I begged.

  
“Come on baby just one more time,” He whispered into my neck making my goose bumps that much more noticeable.

  
“I don’t want to,” I said as he reached around forcing his hand into my lap started to jerk me off. I hated this. I wanted him to just stop. I knew I was going to cry now. I knew that I was beyond done as he forced me to unroll myself and started blowing me again, “STOP!” I shrieked earning myself a punch in the kidney which made me go silent. When he was done he grabbed the blanket and wiped his mouth off on it and then whipped his sweat onto it tossing my pants at me.

  
“Man I got carried away,” He said looking at me, “Sorry. You’re going to be so fucking sore by the end of the weekend.”

  
“I’m already sore,” I said my dick feeling raw like it had been masturbated too much. All of my muscles were tired. He finished putting his clothes back on and when my pants were done up (still couldn’t find my underwear) he opened the back door.  
“You can stay and ride back here or up front your choice,” He said smiling at me licking his lips. I didn’t want to be anywhere near that close to him so I backed away into a corner, “Ok back it is then.” He sighed shutting the door and getting into the driver’s seat.

  
He drove for a while. I’m not sure how long but I knew we weren’t too far from home only about a 45 minute drive but I sat as close to the hatch as I could to make sure he kept his hands away from me, that he couldn’t reach back and grab me for any reason. Once we got to my street he parked at a stop sign and threw my shoes back at me, “You can get out now.” He said and I took that as my chance to leave however when I went to step down my whole lower body felt like it was asleep and I stumbled a few steps onto the sidewalk and then fell. He just drove away not even worried about it. I felt sick to my stomach and dry heaved a couple of times just sitting there waiting to not feel sick when all of the sudden a door on the side of the street opened and someone came sprinting towards me.

  
For a couple of minutes my heart stopped. I didn’t want to be touched anymore and I was sure this was someone coming to attack me but then they slowed down as they got closer, they became cautious.

  
“Rabbit?” They said and I looked up. Of course it was Pat it wouldn’t have been anyone else, “Your mom called my Dad when you didn’t come home from school. Are you ok?” he asked me.

  
I shook my head and then started punching myself in the leg before I realized what I was doing sobbing out right screaming. I was way far away from ok and couldn’t stand being in my skin for another second. If a car at come by at that second and I had been able to stand I would have walked in front of it hoping it would hit me. He bent down next to me grabbing my arm and holding it gently to get me to stop hurting myself kissing my closed fist.

  
“You’re ok now,” He said sitting down next to me cradling me, “You’re ok now.” He sat there with me and let me continue to scream and sob until I was quiet. I still felt disgusting. Beyond used Leo’s sweat and spit still all over me. I felt like it was a coat of yuck on the surface of my skin and knew that no matter how hard I scrubbed it would never come off. After a couple of minutes Pat took his shirt sleeve and wiped my face with it kissing my forehead running his hand through my hair, “You’re ok now.” He whispered again holding me tightly. I took a couple of minutes to catch my breath.

  
“That doctor is fucking something,” I said shaking my head.

  
“All of that over a doctor?” He asked confused.

  
“No that was something else,” I said, “Asshole stole my underwear.”

  
“Who?” Pat asked me.

  
I just shook my head. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to think about it or hear his name I didn’t want anything to do with any of it I just wanted to forget it had happened at all.

  
Pat sighed, “If it’s someone that made you feel this bad you need to talk about it.”

  
“No I don’t,” I said feeling the tears starting back up.

  
“Rabbit,” Pat said touching my cheek gently, “Please don’t shut me out. I love you.” He said kissing my forehead.

  
“What?” I asked shocked. That was the first time he had ever said it. Not “I care about you” or “You matter to me” but the actual sentence of I love you.

  
“I love you,” He repeated, “Rabbit please. If someone made you feel this bad that you had to punch yourself you need to talk about it. You can’t keep that bottled up. Please I’m begging you talk to me.”

  
I sighed, I didn’t want to start crying again and I knew that if I said his name or heard it I would start screaming, “Ok don’t say his name even if you know it don’t say it please god don’t say it.” I said and he nodded his head to signify that he understood.  
“The guy from the movie theater,” I said, “His wife was supposed to take me to that doctors appointment and he showed up instead. He drove around to different places parking in different spots for hours. I wasn’t sure he was going to ever bring me back.”

  
Pat nodded his head biting his lip ring like he was thinking about what to say like he was choosing his words carefully, “He …did what they all do?” he asked.

  
“Repeatedly,” I said simply shrugging my shoulders my eyes starting to sting again, “reminded me of Da.”

  
Pat stood up and pulled something out of his pocket sitting back down and handed me a cigg which I took happily. I was glad he was being silent and didn’t ask me anymore questions. I didn’t want to say anything else about it. I didn’t want to have to tell him what Leo had said or done and apparently knowing that he did what all of them did was enough of an answer for him not to push me anymore on the matter. He pulled one out and smoked too and we both finished in silence him holding my hand. I was glad for the company for the feel of his hand against mine as we sat on the curb.

  
“You think you’re still going to be ok to get through this?” He asked me referring to the weekend at the Villa that we were all sure was coming.

  
“I could always kill myself after it’s done, I mean it wouldn’t be that horrible to be dead right so what’s a couple more days?” I said.

  
“Please don’t,” He said looking at me a pained look in his eyes, “You’re almost out of here for good don’t go down that road.”

  
“Why not?” I asked staring at the curb, “It’s the only way I don’t have to deal with this. How on earth am I ever going to be able to let anyone ever…” My tongue found my back molar.

  
“Well,” Pat said, “You either get so drunk you let them because you don’t care or you trust them.”

  
“That’s not true, I trust you! I trust you more than I trust anyone and every time I even think about it I just… I can’t,” I hissed.

  
“Maybe it’s just something you can’t do then?” Pat said shrugging his shoulders, “there is nothing wrong with that. Everyone has things that they don’t like or don’t feel comfortable with especially in that department. Some people love being tied up it’s a thing for someone I’ve been with,” He said smiling at the memory, “But for me I can’t that’s a nope for me maybe oral is just your nope.”

  
“Delia likes being tied up?” I asked.

  
“Don’t tell her I said anything she thinks people will think she’s a freak,” Pat said.

  
“She is a freak,” I replied.

  
“You only think that because she hates you,” He said smiling.

  
“Yeah well she only hates me because she thinks I stole you,” I answered.

  
Pat raked a hand through his hair, “She wanted us to be more than we were. To me it was just fucking to get them off my skin.”

  
I nodded my head. I could understand the appeal in that now. Wanting to feel someone else’s touch almost craving it just to remind yourself that not every touch was cold angry fire but sometimes they were warm and soft. Kind, full of love.  
“We have to be careful at the Villa, I talked to Cole about it, us. He said I should probably stay away from you if I can because if they catch me with that look in my eyes they will throw our names in that bowl. That’s something we don’t want.” Pat said.  
“I don’t know how I’m going to be able to stomach that,” I answered, “Your hands make them go away.” I said tearing up thinking about it. About being so close to him, him being right there and not being able to feel his skin under my hands or his hands on my skin erasing all the damage they were going to do to me. Just thinking about it made my heart hurt made me feel sick to my stomach.

  
“Don’t cry,” He said pressing his forehead to mine, “We can do this ok? Monday we’ll play hooky go up to the bird watching station cuddle relax be happy,” He said, “I’ll make it better ok? I just can’t do it at the Villa.”

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “We shouldn’t be doing it here.”

  
“We’re not,” He said, “Not really I’ve kissed your forehead a couple of times but that could mean we’re like brothers or something.”

  
I shook my head laughing, “We don’t look anything like brothers that and I don’t think brothers look at each other the way I know you look at me and Cole has said I look at you. I’m sure if people were actually driving up and down the street they could tell we weren’t brothers.”

  
“So you want me to let go of your hand?” He asked me smiling.

  
“No,” I said rolling my eyes, “I was just saying.”

  
“Ok,” He said squeezing my hand gently before handing me another smoke, “Your mom is probably worried that you still haven’t come home.”

  
“Yeah probably but she’s the one who let him pick me up,” I answered.

  
“Well you said it was supposed to be his wife right? Maybe your mom honestly didn’t know it was going to be him. Maybe it was just a mistake and she didn’t even know they were into that type of thing. I’m sure if she would have known she wouldn’t have even suggested his wife drive you anywhere knowing there was a chance it might be him who showed up instead,” Pat said.

  
“Maybe,” I replied, “I don’t know sometimes I think she wants to throw me at them because that way no one else will get hurt.”

  
“Why do you think that? Does it work?” Pat asked.

  
“What do you mean does it work?” I replied confused.

  
“I mean do they leave everyone else alone if you…well you know,” Pat said.

  
“Not really, maybe a little bit I guess but for the most part no. If they do it’s only for a little while I think,” I answered after a minute.

  
“Then I doubt she is and if that is the case I don’t think she’s doing it on purpose Rabbit,” He answered sighing, “Go home if they think you ran away your mom will be worried sick for starters and second that could get you into a lot more trouble than it’s worth so you should go home.”

  
I stopped and thought for a moment. Realizing this was my street and that Pat had come out of a house across from where we were sitting, “Did you guys move?” I asked.

  
“Yeah last boxes, that’s home now,” He answered pointing at the house, “You’re down the street just a little ways right?”

  
“Yeah next intersection,” I said standing up slowly hissing in pain as I got up.

  
“You ok? Do you need me to walk you home?” He asked.

  
“I’d like it if you did,” I answered and he nodded his head starting to walk with me towards my house.

  
We walked him holding my hand still. No one honked at us as they passed in their cars or gave us dirty looks. When we got the gate I punched my code in and it opened. I looked at him. God I wanted to feel his hands on me, against my bare skin I wanted to well fuck him. It was all I could think about. We walked up to the kitchen door and he let go of my hand and sighed.

  
“Well here we are,” He said smiling sadly at me.

  
“Come inside?” I asked him.

  
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” He said taking a step back.

  
“Why not?” I asked.

  
“Well, I know why you’re inviting me in and I want to so much but we both know we shouldn’t,” He said.

  
“Please,” I almost begged. I wanted to feel him I really did I needed to feel him, “We don’t have to not all the way just I need you.”

  
“You need me?” He asked.

  
“Please, I need to feel something else, anything else,” I said and before I knew it his tongue was rolling across mine and he was pulling my shirt and vest over my head in my back yard. His mouth moving from mine to my neck to cover the hickeys that had been forced on me with his kisses. Covering me instead in his wanted deep passionate kisses his hands sliding up my stomach. He felt good. Amazing, warm. I wanted to get him someplace private where I could touch his skin in different places where I could feel his hands on mine but I knew my mum was probably on the other side of the door waiting for me worried sick. After a couple minutes he broke away from me both of us breathing hard our eyes wide.

  
He smiled widely at me, “Better?” he asked.

  
“A little,” I said after a second.

  
“We already broke you mom’s rules though,” He said to me.

  
“Ahhuh,” I said nodding my head leaning against the wall beside the door wishing for more as he picked my shirt up off the ground and handed it to me.

  
We stood there staring at each other him having backed away a couple steps almost like he was afraid of what would happen if he touched me again because he could feel it too, that heat that spark that would turn into flame if we touched even just a little. It felt like none of the rules mattered, my mum’s the brotherhoods none of it or them mattered what mattered was I wanted to be inside him to feel his arms around me and other parts of him too, obviously. After a couple minutes of silence staring at each other Pat cleared his throat.

  
“Well,” He said, “I’m going to go that way,” He said pointing behind him, “home I’ll see you tomorrow?”

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head which made him laugh slightly as he turned away shaking his head.

  
I gave myself a minute or two to calm down to think of something else other than him and then opened the kitchen door going inside. When I opened the door mum dropped her spatula on the floor and ran over hugging me making me flinch a little as she hit my back a little too hard.

  
“OH LOVE I WAS SO WORRIED!” She yelled, “The school called when you didn’t get there after lunch. Where were you?” She asked me.

  
I didn’t want to tell her. I didn’t want to think about it or talk about it because it made my insides feel cold again. It felt like being punched in the stomach to be reminded of him and of Da. I shrugged my shoulders.

  
“Did you skip?” She asked me frowning.

  
“Yeah sure I skipped,” I answered folding my arms over my chest as she let go of me.

  
Matt ran up to me from the table, “I drew this in school” He said showing me a picture of stick figures one medium sized one with bright orange hair and 3 little circles with the same.

  
“Very nice!” I lied smiling at him, “Let me guess it’s our family and that one is me?” I asked pointing.

  
“Yeah they said it we needed to draw us doing something with our siblings,” He answered happily and then looked at me weird.

  
“What?” I asked.

  
“How come your shirt has no buttons?” He said grabbing the tail end of my dress up shirt and yanking on it.

  
“His shirt has no buttons?” Mum asked after rinsing off the dropped spatula and coming over to look at it.

  
“It’s nothing,” I said quickly trying to walk away.

  
“Johnathan, come here,” She said using my full first name.

  
“Really mum it’s nothing,” I said feeling nervous about it. She didn’t want me to lie to her especially about something like that but I didn’t want to talk about it. What punishment could she give me that was worse then what had already happened? I didn’t want to even think about his name let alone allow myself to hear it and I don’t think I could have managed to speak it if I tried.

  
She sighed walking up to me and grabbed my shirt collar above my vest investigating it like it held some type of clue, “He’s right your shirt has no buttons what happened?” She asked.

  
“Mum nothing,” I said again.

  
“This isn’t nothing people don’t come home with shirts that are missing buttons when nothing has happened what happened?” She said sternly.

  
“Nothing,” I said again.

  
“Mum, he doesn’t want to talk about it apparently at least not in front of everyone so can you just let it go?” Will asked mum nicely.

  
“No I will not let it go what happened you need to tell me I’m your mum,” She said.

  
At that point I blew a gasket.

  
“If I wanted to fucking tell you I would fucking tell you quit asking me!” I yelled at her and ran up the stairs to the lift.

  
I heard footsteps behind me and knew she was following me I didn’t want to deal with this right now. I wanted to call Pat I wanted to think about him and how if we had been in a better place a more private place we might have done something to get the feeling of Leo and his yuck off of my skin. I wanted to think about how he had told me he loved me and how good he made I feel and instead I was stuck thinking about Leo. His cold hands on my skin, him up inside me hurting me his mouth on me wherever he wanted it to be how he had driven me around all day making me afraid he would never bring me home.

  
“John,” She said softly behind me as the lift opened, “Please talk to me.”

  
“Please don’t make me,” I said wiping at my eyes trying to pull the tears back inside.

  
“Did something happen with Angela?” She asked worried.

  
“Angela didn’t show up,” I said.

  
“What do you mean did you go to your appointment?” She asked me confused.

  
“Yes I went to my appointment Angela didn’t show up her husband did,” I said as the lift opened and I went to go step inside but mum put her arm out blocking my way.

  
“Her husband? You mean Leo?” She asked.

  
I’m pretty sure I inhaled sharply and covered my ears but I don’t remember exactly next thing I knew I felt like I couldn’t breathe like the world was pressing in on me, like I was in the back of that stupid car again knowing what was going to happen but not being able to stop it. I wanted to fight, I did but I knew I couldn’t that fighting was worse than not fighting. I felt his fingers on me going to my belt undoing my pants. I screamed pushing away kicking and struggling to get away. And then next thing I knew she was hugging me her hands trying to calm me “you’re ok love, you’re ok,”

  
“Where am I?” I croaked out beyond confused.

  
“You’re home, you’re safe,” She said, “Shhh, shhh, shhh, its all right sweetie you’re all right.”

  
“What happened?” I asked.

  
“I don’t know love you just started screaming and trying to fight me, you’re ok though all right?” She said again.

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head and pushing her away standing up feeling unsteady on my feet again.

  
“Can you tell me what that was about?” She asked me quietly.

  
“I don’t know,” I said still feeling slightly confused. I wasn’t sure what had happened I wasn’t even sure if I was really at home or if I was back in the SUV imaging that I was home because I couldn’t deal with what was happening to me. I felt beyond out of it and just wanted to get upstairs and get a drink to numb myself out, to make myself forget. I pushed the lift button again and the door opened with Matt and Mike coming upstairs.

  
“Is John ok?” Matt asked mum, “He looks scared.”

  
“Yeah I’m fine,” I answered numbly.

  
Will came upstairs too handing Mac to mum with Andy and Laura trailing behind him, “I called Dr. Palmer he said he’s on his way.”

  
“Good,” Mum said nodding her head as I stepped into the elevator waiting for it to close.

  
When I got upstairs I found a pair of scissors in my desk drawer and ran them across my arm after a taking a couple giant gulps from my hidden stash. I wanted to make sure I was real where I was, was real that I wasn’t back there that I was ok because I felt beyond confused.

  
I’m not sure how long it took but it seemed like a couple minutes later before I had taken enough to get drunk Doctor Palmer arrived knocking on my bedroom door.

  
“Come in,” I answered calmly trying not to freak out again.

  
“Hey John,” He said smiling at me, “Your mom said you aren’t feeling well can you tell me what’s going on?” He asked gently.

  
“I don’t know,” I answered reaching for my bottle to take another drink and he grabbed it from me.

  
“Can you tell me what happened?” He asked me, “You mum said one second you were fine and the next you were on the ground screaming like someone was murdering you. Can you tell me what that felt like?”

  
“I don’t know, I just…I was with mum in the hallway and then I wasn’t anymore,” I answered, “I don’t know what happened but I was…somewhere not good.”

  
“Can you tell me where you were, I won’t tell anyone you don’t want me to I swear,” He said quietly sitting on my floor at the foot of my bed looking at me, waiting.

  
“In the SUV with him,” I said feeling my body start to shake and my lungs start to close up.

  
“Ok what was happening?” He asked.

  
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said.

  
“Did this happen today?” He asked me and I nodded my head. He sighed quietly sadly, “Ok, and then you came home right?”

  
“Yeah, but then I went back there again,” I said.

  
“Ok bud you didn’t go back there again what you experienced was a full flash back it’s where our brain makes us think that bad things are happening to us that have happened before. But you’re home you’re safe right now you know that right?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah, I know I’m sure it felt real so I know I’m here,” I said.

  
“I know it feels real but it’s not it’s in your head,” Dr. Palmer said.

  
“No, I mean the scissors, they felt real,” I said showing him my arm.

  
“Oh dear,” He said, “I’m going to take a look at those and clean them up, is it ok if I touch your arm?”

  
I nodded my head and he took my arm gently in his hand and pulled something out of his medical bag. He dabbed something onto them using cotton balls and put gauze around my arm.

  
“These aren’t too deep but you can’t do this again,” He said to me.

  
“How I’m I supposed to know what’s real then?” I asked feeling like I was going to cry.

  
“We’ll find a way to work on that but you can’t hurt yourself like this all right? Imagine how sad this would make you mum if I told her you did this to yourself? How sad the guys would feel you don’t want them to be upset do you?” He asked me.  
“No,” I shook my head, “Why does everything feel so weird?”

  
“Weird how?” He asked.

  
“Like I’m dreaming,” I answered.

  
“Well I’m assuming you just drank a bunch of liquor so that could have something to do with it, sometimes after people have flash backs they say things don’t feel real and they get very confused about where they are is that how you feel right now?” He asked me.

  
“Yes,” I answered.

  
“Ok, I’m going to stay with you for a little bit and watch you and then in about 20 minutes I’m going to give you something to help you sleep and when you wake up you’ll probably feel better ok?” He said.

  
“Yeah,” I said nodding my head, “I don’t want to ever see him again. Not if this is what it does to me.”

  
“Can you tell me who? Because obviously they hurt you, you don’t need to tell me what they did but can you give me a name?” He asked.

  
I shook my head, “Mum said his name and then that’s when I …,”

  
“Ok, you’re all right,” Vic said, “I understand.”

  
“You do?” I asked.

  
“Yes, it happens to a lot of us sometimes just one incident just pushes some buttons and we can’t forget it, it haunts us. It takes a while to get past those. Has this ever happened before?”

 

“Not like this,” I said, “The feeling of them on my skin happens all the time but not like this.”

  
“Did he bruise you?” He said me.

  
I sighed and took my vest and button up off and then took off my under shirt and showed him my chest, “This is new,”I said pointing to the fresh pink and red hickey on my collar bone, “he punched me in the back a couple times too because I said no. I’m sore in some places I don’t want to really think about.”

  
“You mean your butt and your penis and testacies?” He asked me and I nodded my head.

  
“Ok,” He said , “ After 20 minutes when I give you something to sleep is it ok if I look at that to make sure nothing is going to get infected or anything like that? I want to ask your permission because I don’t want to upset you but as a medical professional I need to look.”

  
“I don’t want you to,” I said shaking my head

.  
“John, I understand that but I think I have to ok? I won’t hurt you I’ll even call your mum in to be with you while I do it but I have to.” He replied.

  
“Why?” I asked.

  
“To make sure that nothing is going to get infected or inflamed because if it’s irritated that could be causing the discomfort but it could also be signs that something is started to get infected and I don’t want that for you because that hurts. I’m going to check your back too and take out your stitches if they are ready to come out too.”

  
“He raped me,” I said, “I told him he was raping me that I didn’t want to do that but he made me do it anyway.”

  
“I know,” Vic said nodding his head, “You’re safe now though he’s not here now.”

  
“I know I just shit I want Pat to be here so bad,” I said before I could stop myself.

  
“I can try getting him on the phone if you like,” Vic said, “I explain to him why you need to talk to him if you want me to if that will help.”

  
“Could you?” I asked.

  
“Yeah bud, no worries, just give me a second,” He said pulling something out of his pocket. He unfolded it. It was a little cell phone a flip phone like they had back in the day and he dialed putting it to his ear, “Hey, can I talk to Pat for a second. Oh no it’s nothing big just need him for a second. Thanks. Hey Patrick its Vic I’m here with John he just had his first flashback and he’s confused but he’s asking for you apparently something happened earlier that, yeah? Ok. Are you sure that won’t get you into trouble? All right, Yeah I’ll let someone know you’re coming you want to talk to him first? Ok yeah,” He then handed me the phone.

  
“Pat?” I asked.

  
“Yeah Rabbit it’s me,” He said, “Are you ok?”

  
“I’m ok now I think,” I answered, “She said his name and I just I don’t know what happened.”

  
“Ok, I’m going to come see you we’ll hang out for a bit all right?” He said and I heard hear the anxiety in his voice.

  
“Ok,” I said, “Vic wants me to quit drinking and then he said he’s going to give me something to help me sleep that it will make me feel better.”

  
“Oh it probably will you probably feel kind of numb and a little confused right now I bet,” He said.

  
“Yeah.”

  
“Well I’m coming, I’ll come hang out it might make you feel better help you get to sleep even,” Pat said, “I’m going to hang up now. I’ll be there as soon as I can all right?” he said.

  
“Ok,” I said and he hang up the phone.

  
When I looked up my door was open and Mum and Vic were watching me timidly from the hallway. When mum saw me watching she looked at me and smile, “Hi love how are you doing?” She asked me.

  
“Pat’s coming over,” I said.

  
“I know, Dr. Palmer told me, it’s ok,” She said nodding her head.

  
“I just feel weird I want him I think he’ll make me feel better,” I said.

  
“Its ok love, you don’t need to explain I understand when he gets here I’ll let him in. The boys are asking if you’re ok,” She said referring to my little brothers.

  
“Yeah I think I’m ok now,” I said.

  
“So how did your visit with the dr go,” Vic asked me smiling after a minute when my mum walked off.

  
“She’s something,” I said shaking my head, “I don’t think she’s very good at her job.”

  
“Her real one or her fake one?” He asked.

  
“I don’t know,” I said, “What’s her real job and what’s her fake job.”

  
“Real job? Brotherhood convincing kids you kids that what is going on is normal and ok and fake one therapist.”

  
“She’s bad at her fake job,” I answered, “Real one she’s not too good at either.”

  
“Well I’m glad to hear that. I’m going to give you something for anxiety and depression hopefully it will help,” Vic said, “At least a little bit.”

  
“Someone else said something about anti-depressants,” I mumbled.

  
“We’re going to try Zoloft, it should help with some the anxiety you’re feeling as well. I’m going to give your mum some Ativan to give you in case of another flashback or severe panic attack,” Vic said, “It should help you at least as much as anything can given the situation take it every day and in about two weeks or so you should feel less anxiety in general, less suicidal but if you feel more suicidal in the mean time you need to let your mum know so we can do something about it.” He said.

  
And then Pat rushed through the door, “Are you ok?” He asked me his eyes wide and fearful.

  
“I think so,” I answered as Vic came in and closed the door behind him and Pat sat on the bed next to me, “I don’t know I thought I was ok but then all of the sudden I was someplace else and nothing was ok. Vic said it was a flashback and I could just feel him all over me and I don’t know nothing felt real after so I cut myself.”

  
“Oh Rabbit, no please,” Pat said and I could see he was fighting back tears, “You can’t do that to yourself ok? No matter what that’s a slippery slope to go down please don’t hurt yourself. I love you when you hurt yourself you hurt me too.” He said kissing my arm.

  
Vic cleared his throat, “Ok guys I think we need to talk again.”

  
“About what?” Pat asked.

  
“The two of you, you’re nearing dangerous ground here, what if I had slipped up and mentioned John’s name when your Dad answered the phone Pat or what if he had been listening on the other line? You know how bad this could be? I mean its fine to be friends even close friends but this, you can’t do this. They will tear you up and spit out whoever survives this,” Vic said.

  
“Vic we know,” Pat said as I laid my head in his lap closing my eyes, “I know I saw what happened to Justin remember?”

  
“Yeah I know you know but that doesn’t stop it from happening? You think you’re being careful and next thing you know you’re caught. You don’t want to get caught you need to stop this. You are too attached to each other this isn’t good.” Vic warned.  
“I can’t help it,” Pat said, “I don’t know why! But I can’t he means something to me I don’t know why but when I’m away from him all I think about is if he’s ok or not what’s happening to him. Partly because of this right here? You know how often I have to hold him as he cries hoping he doesn’t want to hurt himself or stopping him from hurting himself. He needs this to stop Vic you need to talk his Da out of doing this to him or he’s going to kill himself. You know it, I know it and he knows it.”

  
“How often are you two messing around?” Vic asked looking at us.

  
I shrugged my shoulders. It’s not like every moment we were together we were touching each other sexually most of time it was just kissing sometimes a little grinding but the other stuff didn’t happen too often.

  
“Are you two having sex?” He asked us straight out.

  
“You mean without cameras pointed at us telling us we have to?” Pat snorted, “No we’re not.”

  
“Not even messing around?” He asked, “And I know you know what I mean by messing around so don’t pretend you don’t.”

  
“A little but it’s not a huge deal,” Pat said.

  
“Yes it kind of is that’s enough hell they ever see you just kiss they will punish you so this needs to stop because you’re both good kids and I don’t want to see you get hurt. You need to detach that’s all there is to it. Find other people to hang out with. And this weekend you need to stay away from each other,” He warned us.

  
“Come on you think he can handle that?!” Pat scoffed, “You’re nuts break his leg if you have to because he can’t do it.”

  
“Pat, I know you’re not happy about it neither am I. I’ve been told that everyone that meets the age requirement is coming ok? There is nothing I can do on that I will be there myself all right? The only thing I could do is sponsor his attendance and do you think he can handle that because I don’t think he can and I sure as hell won’t be the reason he kills himself or attempts to all right?” Vic hissed.

  
“Sponsor me? That’s when someone pays to have me put in a room and gets to choose whether I sleep with just them or other people or just them in the leader and higher ups right?” I asked.

  
“Yes that’s exactly what that means the thing about it is though if I sponsor you I have to have sex with you, I have to rape you to keep my cover otherwise I’m a dead man and I have other kids I need to get out right now besides you and your family and if I die who is going to help get you out when the time comes? So I need to stay alive right now I have too much going on,” Vic told me.

  
I swallowed. I didn’t want to have sex with anyone but Pat and the thought of Vic even seeing me naked for medical reasons made my skin crawl I couldn’t do that but I knew I couldn’t do it without a sponsor either and I knew if Hank tried to sponsor me I would end up hanging myself or something or worse Leo or my Da.

  
“Shit,” I said burying my face in Pats lap hugging him tightly around the waist and squeezing my eyes closed. Why did this have to be my life? Why wouldn’t my life be normal with normal problems why couldn’t things be ok for me?

  
“See? He can’t do this!” Pat said rubbing a hand through my hair trying to comfort me, “He can’t do this and I can’t if he dies so please make up something, anything give him fucking mono Vic anything I’m begging you.”

  
“Patrick,” Vic said, “My hands are tied here there isn’t anything I can do besides convince someone else to sponsor him if they even allow him to be sponsored I mean it’s his first party you think they’re won’t be a line out the door behind him because everyone will want a turn with the new boy?” Vic sighed and was silent for a minute, “Ok, I can probably get some Rohypnol I can give him but he cannot drink for at least 6 hours before hand which might send him into withdrawals. That’s the best I can do though.”

  
“What?” I asked confused.

  
“Roofies, the date rape drug,” Pat answered rubbing my back, “Are you serious?” He asked looking at Vic.

  
“Look it’s not something that I like to use and it’s illegal in the United States however it will make it so he doesn’t remember if we give him the right dose. That’s the best I can do though. He’ll be sore and tired like everyone else but he won’t remember what happened.”

  
“You’re talking about drugging me?” I asked shocked, “No,” I shook my head, “No.”

  
“Rabbit listen to me,” Pat said pressing his forehead to mine, “Listen to me closely ok? There is no getting out of this if you don’t have to remember it you’re going to want to take that option here trust me ok? I swear to you this is nothing you’ll want to remember once we get there. And I personally don’t think you could deal with it so you need to take it, it’s just a pill he’ll give to you to swallow like any other medicine but once it’s in your system and it hits your blood stream in about 20 minutes after you take it you won’t remember a thing ok?”

  
“Is that really the only choice I have?” I asked looking at them both.

  
“It’s the only option I can give you,” Vic said, “Do you think you’ll be in withdrawals how often are you drinking right now?” He asked me.

  
“I don’t know I drink a little when I wake up usually drink most of it before I go to bed I’m never drunk anymore just always drinking it feels like. I take two 16oz bottles of Vodka to school with me probably drink about half of one throughout the day.” I answered.

  
“How much do you drink when you get home?” He asked me.

  
“The rest of it,” I answered.

  
Pat looked at me his eyes wide, “Holy fuck that’s a lot of Vodka.”

  
“Yes,” Vic nodded his head, “Yes it is we need to ween you down.”

  
“I get headaches if I don’t drink any before bed,” I answered.

  
“How often is this,” Vic picked up my liter and waved it at me “getting replaced?”

  
“Mum usually puts a new one on my nightstand every day when I get home from school,” I said.

  
“Shit,” Vic said, “ok we’re going to minus 2oz once a week until you are down because this is a serious problem. You have no idea what you are messing with here I’m going to go talk to your mom about this right now stay here.” Vic said getting up and leaving shutting the door behind him.

  
“Is that really a lot?” I asked.

  
“Yes, you should be constantly drunk if you drank that much at once you’d be dead,” Pat said shaking his head, “Rabbit I knew you had a problem but oh my fucking god.”

  
“It’s the only way I can stand being in my own skin,” I said.

  
“Well ask Vic to put you on antidepressants it will help,” Pat said stroking my back.

  
“He is,” I answered.

  
“Good,” He sighed, “Because you really are having that hard of a time you need some serious medication. I know a couple of guys who take a ton of Benny’s and then they are on shit like anti psychotics and what not because if they don’t they hurt themselves. Maybe he needs to put you on some of those too.”

  
“What are those?” I asked.

  
“They help people who see things and hear things, people who have trouble telling when their awake or asleep stuff like that,” Pat answered me, “I was on one for a while. It helped it made me really really tired all the time but it helped until I didn’t need it anymore.”

  
“Do you think I need them?” I asked scared thinking about it.

  
“Well,” He said, “You do hurt yourself sometimes and it’s happening more and more often. This was your first flashback through probably your first break, people tend to feel not real after a flashback have trouble with telling whether they are actually awake and things are real or not. So I honestly don’t know. I think Vic will have to decide that if things don’t start to get better maybe. I tried to hang myself before they put me on any of those drugs. I also spent about a month in someone’s basement after that too but, you know it is what it is,” He said shrugging his shoulders.

  
“What do you mean?” I asked.

  
“Well,” Pat sighed heavily, “If you try to kill yourself once and fail they show you what it’s like to really want to kill yourself like it’s going to make you decide not to try again. Most people try again and then they end up in the hospital in the hospital they put you on the medications and they let you know you better cut that shit out and cut it out fast otherwise they will take care of the problem by shipping you somewhere else and I’ve never heard of anyone coming back from there but apparently they don’t kill you they just get you addicted to street drugs and use you until you’re so worn out you’re a robot.”

  
“A robot?” I asked.

  
“Yeah, eat, sleep, shower, fuck, rinse repeat until you fall over dead,” Pat said.

  
“Oh,” I said.

  
“Yeah from what I understand it’s not something they enjoy doing and it’s not a place anyone wants to go,” Pat said, “ I don’t want to see anything like that happen to you.”

  
“I’ll take the roofie,” I said, “Who knows maybe you’ll give me enough I don’t wake up?”

  
“Rabbit, no honey it will help though it will make sure more stuff doesn’t get piled on. Hopefully after this is over you can get out of here and far away where they will never find you ok? I want that for you more than anything,” He said still rubbing my shoulders.

  
“More than you want to be with me?” I asked.

  
“Yes,” Pat said, “I love you and I love you so much I want you to be free and get help more than I want to be with you. It’s fucked up so fucking fucked up but it’s true because I want what’s going to keep you alive. If that means you can’t be here with me that’s what it means I want you to be happy and healthy I don’t want this life for you.”

  
“I don’t want this for you either,” I said, “Do you think you’ll ever get out?” I asked.

  
“Yes,” Pat said nodding his head, “one way or another I will. Who knows maybe I’ll become a cop, take them down and say fuck you? I don’t know. People don’t deserve what they do though, no one does I wouldn’t wish what we go through on anyone. It’s like dying a million different ways they steal so many things from us and it’s sick and it’s wrong and it hurts but maybe if I can stop it from continuing one day it will be worth it.”

  
“Yeah,” I sighed, “I can’t wish this on my worst enemy I don’t know I don’t feel normal.”

  
“That’s because we’re not,” Pat sighed, “I want you out of here so bad you weren’t built for this.”

  
I smiled lightly, “What does that mean?” I asked playing with his hand.

  
“It means I don’t think you can deal with this, especially not with the parties. Bad things happen at the parties I hope he can get you some roofies. Even if they don’t put you out they will help you not remember what happens,” Pat said kissing my forehead, “God this sucks.”

  
“Will it be like when they branded me?” I asked remembering what that had been like three guys on top of me at once doing things to me and then the leader and what he did. I didn’t want to deal with that again. Maybe they were right and it was best that they give me something so I didn’t remember.

  
Someone knocked on the door not waiting for an answer before the came in. It was Vic sighing, “Ok I talked to your mom she’s going to measure it out and keep the bottles from now on. We’re going to slowly ween you down once you get away you’re going to AA and you will stop drinking.” He told me, “I can get some I need to dose you three different times. Probably Friday morning, Friday night and then Saturday morning because usually those of you who go to school if it’s during the school year you go home on Saturday night so you should be all right. I’ll try to keep the dose every 11 hours that way there is no gap between doses for you to remember things but I can’t promise that will happen.”

  
“What happens if I don’t get it every 11 hours?” I asked.

  
“There will be somethings that you remember,” Vic answered honestly, “I’ll try my best to make sure there are no gaps though.”

  
“There won’t be,” Pat said looking at Vic.

  
“Patrick, I know how you feel but I can’t make any promises,” Vic said.

  
“There can’t be ok? Not with him you see how he is? He drinks so he can stand to be alive Vic can you imagine what having a gap would do to him? There can’t be a gap.” Pat said.

  
“I can’t make any promises I’ll try my best though,” Vic answered.

  
“What are the parties like?” I asked still wanting to know what I was going to be dealing with in detail.

  
“Well you know how the sponsorship works not having a sponsor they strap you down usually and they can’t be violent which is why they strap you down I suppose and they do what they want. Not to say you don’t get hurt because sometimes it just happens that’s why I’m there a part of the reason I’m there anyway. But you do get breaks first break is probably three hours taking care of them and then three hours off and then Friday night is harder it’s usually 12 hours on and then 3 hours off Saturday morning it’s six hours on and six hours off. Saturday afternoon is the same usually it all depends really and then you’ll go home. Sunday you go to church but no one is allowed to touch you because of the weekend you just had. Everyone wears condoms if they have STI’s they can’t come so you don’t have to worry about any of that type of stuff but you’ll be sore and tired and hungry.” Vic said.

  
I sat there silent for a moment thinking about what Vic was telling me. I didn’t handle even four hours well I didn’t think I could do six or worse 12. I sighed and Pat must have seen my thoughts in my face because he leaned over me putting his weight on my back rubbing my collar bone where the bruises were finally starting to turn purple his hands erasing the fact that they were there from my mind, “You’re ok.” He whispered into my ear, “its ok you won’t remember any of it if I can help it all right?”  
I nodded my head and Vic cleared his throat, “Guys we talked about this.”

  
“I love him all right?” Pat scoffed taking his weight off of me scooting away a little bit.

  
“You can love him just fine but don’t go near him this weekend because you will be caught and you know it,” Vic warned.

  
“Yeah yeah, Cole already said him and Hunter and Dom are going to do everything they can to make sure we aren’t in the same room together because they say I make it obvious I kind of want to…” Pat trailed off and I was pretty sure he was probably blushing without having to look at him.

  
“You do,” Vic said nodding his head, “Him too. I mean even when you aren’t touching him he’s placing your hands on his shoulder or holding your hand so I’m sure when you’re alone your hands are in other places that I personally don’t want to think about.”

  
“Do I really?” I asked.

  
“Yes,” Vic said nodding his head, “You’ve grabbed his arm about four different times in the past 10 minutes every time he stops touching your back or your shoulder you grab his hand and either hold it or put it back.”

  
“Sorry,” I said shaking my head.

  
“It’s a good reason not to let you two be anywhere near each other that and I don’t know if you are aware but this one has a major temper when it comes to his friends let alone someone he cares about as much as he cares about you,” Vic said smiling and shaking his head.

  
“What I’m supposed to sit back while someone is making them scream? Are you fucking kidding me?” Pat hissed.

  
“See what I mean?” Vic asked me.

  
“I already knew that,” I said.

  
“Yeah don’t get him trouble by being in the same room or area if you can help it I mean I know it’s not something you can control really but it will make things safer for both of you,” Vic said.

  
“We’ve already dealt with that a couple of times and it’s not like I attacked anyone,” Pat said.

  
“No but you did yell and scream until you got their attention refocused,” I answered.

  
“Oh!” Vic said loudly, “That’s yeah, nope don’t do that Pat.”

  
“You think I’m really going to watch that happen even if I am chained up and can’t physically stop them? Really? You’re fucking kidding right?” Pat scoffed.

  
“It’s a good way to tip them off about well, this,” Vic said gesturing at us, “Keep it together ok no more of that. Do what they say keep your mouth shut that’s my best advice I have for both of you. If you do have sex I don’t want to know about it but make sure it’s somewhere they aren’t going to see that you tone this down, hell act like you hate each other in public but quit being so loose about this unless you want to end up dead ok?”

  
“Yeah, I got it,” Pat said, “What about when we’re here at his house because we know he’s not coming over to my house anytime soon like ever unless he’s forced to and that is something I would never put on him.”

  
“What do you mean here you mean his room or this house?” Vic asked.

  
I sighed, “My mum said we could cuddle and hold hands but no kissing, no overtly sexual stuff,”

  
“If your dad’s are around or your uncle or someone else then I’d say no. I’d be careful around your brothers too because kids talk sometimes even if they don’t mean to so do what your mom says but make sure it’s in private where you won’t be caught.” Vic answered and started digging through his medic bag.

  
“What are you doing?” Pat asked him curious.

  
“Well he needs something for anxiety it’s going to put him to sleep in about 20 minutes or so. So I’m going to give it to him now and he’s going to take it and when he’s asleep I’ll take you home,” Vic answered.

  
Pat sighed, “All right are you going to be here while it kicks in?” He asked Vic.

  
“Is that your way of asking for more alone time with him?” He asked and Pat nodded his head, “Fine you can watch him but if he stops breathing you need to come get me or he complains of being itchy anything come get me.”

  
“Thank you, I will,” Pat said and Vic got up again and left shutting the door behind him after handing me a pill and making sure I swallowed it.

  
“I’m going to go shower really quick and then get ready for bed,” I said looking at Pat.

  
“I’m supposed to keep an eye on you,” Pat said.

  
“I’m aware of that yes,” I answered back.

  
Pat sat there silent staring at me for a moment while I smiled deviously at him. He smiled and shook his head. He knew what my plan was and I knew he was going to try and do what Vic said because he respected Vic and trusted Vic but god damn did I want his skin against mine.

  
“You know that’s going to be hard for me,” Pat said.

  
“Oh I’m sure it will be very literally,” I said making a pun.

  
“Oh you’re so funny!” He said sarcastically, “Maybe I should wait out here while you shower.”

  
“Babe, please,” I asked.

  
“You just called me Babe,” Pat commented.

  
“Yes, yes I did please come on. And what if I pass out or something in the shower? I mean he just gave me something to put me to sleep and calm me down. Maybe you should join me in the shower just to be safe.” I suggested.

  
“ And I thought I was a rule breaker, man every time I think we’re on the same page with this, obeying your mom and now Vic you have to tease me so bad I get blue balls,” Pat said smirking.

  
“If we make it a quick shower no one would know,” I said as Pat stood up.

  
I walked over to him reaching up and putting my arms around his neck. I really wanted to blow him to feel his skin on my skin his hands caressing Leo’s touch away from my body so I could forget it easier. He looked into my eyes intently.

  
“You make it so difficult to say no,” Pat whispered into my hair.

  
“Then don’t say no please,” I begged.

  
“You know I really want to right?” He muttered his hands starting up the small of my back.

  
“Ahuh,” I said turning my face up ward so my mouth was just inches from his.

  
“Fuck it,” Pat said kissing me hard making me laugh lightly under his kiss. God he always tasted so amazing like cigarettes and chocolate covered pretzels. We made our way to the bathroom and I turn on the shower water and before I knew it we were naked in the shower the water spraying over top of us. His hands exploring my body while my hands explored his trying not to moan as every touch spread heat under my skin like fireworks lighting up a night sky.

  
After a couple minutes Pat broke away from me his eyes wide his breath coming in short heaving gasps as he stared at me. I could see it in his face that he wanted more just like I did but that he had pulled himself away despite that fact because he wanted to respect both Vic and my mum. He was a good guy and he knew if he broke the rules not only did he risk putting our lives in danger but we also ran the risk of not being allowed to see each other anymore.

  
“Come here, let me wash your back,” He said grabbing the loofa from the corner and putting body wash onto it.

  
“You sure you don’t want me to blow you instead?” I asked causing his face to glow slightly pink.

  
“That is a very tempting offer there,” He said biting his lip ring, “But I’m going to have to insist that we don’t.”

  
“Are you serious but didn’t we just give each other …,” I asked.

  
“Well yes but that’s probably a good reason why I shouldn’t let you go south right now because that probably took more time than we think it did,” Pat answered, “So you’re probably running out of lucidity anyway.”

  
I stopped to think about it and feel my body, I was feeling a little light headed and like I could use a nap, “Ok,” I said kissing him, “Another time?”

  
“Oh hell yes,” He said smiling as he turned me around and started rubbing my back. When I was done I tossed Pat a towel and toweled dried myself off and then went and found myself some PJ’s while Pat came back out with his hair wet but his same clothes on.

  
I climbed under my covers and he climbed in with me hugging me pulling me into his chest. I felt safe. He always made me feel safe and warm and loved. Like nothing could hurt me even though truth probably was I wasn’t safe anywhere. He made me forgot that when he held me though. he ran his hand through my hair and kissed me and talked to me for a while until I got sleepy and then he just sat there with me. At one point I think I remember him kissing my forehead and getting up to leave but I’m not really sure because I was mostly asleep by that point but I woke up the next morning when my alarm went off and opened my bedroom door to the hustle and bustle or morning routine.


	32. 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mum decides to keep John home from school because of his mental stability. When they run out of milk in the upstairs fridge his mum suggest he goes to get some from downstairs and grab the mail where he runs into trouble. His anxiety is running high because of the upcoming "party" where all of the bottoms will end up being party favors. John's mum is, stressed, confused and worried wondering if there is really anything she can to help her son, suggesting one of the only things she believes might make the transition of leaving easier only to start a disagreement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Page 739 to 761 Warnings: Rape/non-con, sex toys, panic attack, PTSD, Mental health issues, anxiety, talk of systematic abuse, occult abuse, priest abuse. You have 48 pages at the end of this chapter so the next chapter will probably be one big chapter and then you are done with part one of the Johnathan Chronicles. Again questions and comments are always welcome if you see any grammar or spelling mistakes feel free to point them out so I can fix them because my work is unbetaed.

“I thought you weren’t going to school today because you were sick,” Mike asked me when I came out of my room.

  
“I wasn’t aware of that,” I answered going to the nursery to see if mum was there which of course she was, “I’m not supposed to go to school today?” I asked confused.

  
“No, no school for you today you need to rest,” She said rocking Seamus back and forth in the rocker, “Will has gotten everyone else ready you need to go back to bed, I’ll bring you a drink in a little while.”

  
“What happens if I want to go to school?” I asked.

  
“Doctor Palmer and I talked about something yesterday,” She said looking at me closely, “I think giving you a day or two at home away from everyone might be good for you.”

  
“You mean away from Pat?” I asked frowning.

  
“Not just Pat love, everyone I know school hasn’t been easy and yesterday was eventful for you so I think taking a day at home to catch up on school work and rest would be what’s best for you today.” She said.

  
I sighed raking a hand through my hair. I never would have thought I would want to go to school so badly but honestly it was just so I could touch Pat in the bushes so she was probably right. I wasn’t going to win this fight and I knew it so I nodded my head, “Ok.”

  
“All right, you can go change back into your PJ’s no sense in wearing a uniform that you aren’t going to use,” She said sending me away.

  
I walked down the hallway to the upstairs kitchen and got on the phone dialing Pat’s number hoping to god that Hank didn’t pick up.

  
“Hello?” I heard his voice and I froze for a minute, “Hello? Is anyone there? Are you going to speak I can hear you breathing.”

  
“H-hi is Pat there?” I asked quietly.

  
“Oh hi baby,” Hank said, “Why you want to talk to Paddy?”

  
“I need to ask him to pick some school work up for me because I’m sick,” I answered.

  
“You are? Maybe I can come over and keep you company,” He mused making my stomach jump.

  
“No, I-I’m really sick like really sick,” I answered.

  
“Hold on just a second,” He said and then shouted “Paddy!” out into the living room.

  
I heard a muffled conversation.

  
“What dad?” Pat yelled.

  
“John’s on the phone why is he calling you before school?” Hank said back, “There better not being anything going on between you two.”

  
“There’s not you always ask me that whenever anyone calls it doesn’t matter who it is whether it’s Hunter or Delia or Ellen or now John I guess what do you think I’m some kind of whore?” Pat shot back.

  
“Well, people pay money to have sex with you so I’ll call them like I see them kid,” Hank said almost laughing.

  
“No they pay you money to have sex with me how on earth is that fair? Do you mind?” Pat said.

  
“Yeah fine take your phone call lover boy,” Hank teased walking away.

  
“Hey,” He said putting the receiver to his face, “What’s going on?”

  
“I’m not going to school today. I’m supposed to stay home and rest apparently,” I answered.

  
“Ok, not feeling well?” He asked.

  
“No, I’m feeling fine my mum just said I should take a day because of yesterday and how I flipped out probably,” I answered, “I don’t think she’ll let me go even if I tell her I want to go so I was wondering if you could maybe grab my homework for me and bring it over after school?” I asked.

  
“Who is on the phone?” I heard on the other end of the line.

  
“Who do you think is on the phone Cole?” I heard Pat say, “Sorry, hold on.”

  
“Oh hi John,” I heard muffled into the telephone and then some other noise as someone covered the receiver really well.

  
“My dad said something to you?” He asked me sounding serious.

  
“Yeah but they always have something to say to me,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

  
“Ok well stay up on your floor can you do that for me if I bring you your homework?” He asked me seriously.

  
“Why he can’t touch me without permission from my Da,” I said, “And he’s not here to get it.”

  
“Not true you’re contracted out to your uncle if your uncle says ok then he can and I don’t imagine your uncle saying no so just do everyone a favor and stay upstairs all right?” Pat said.

  
“I thought it was supposed to be hands off because of this weekend?” I said feeling nervous about Hanks suggestion that he keep me company.

  
“No after tomorrow. They only need to give us a break for 24 hours it’s only Wednesday,” Pat answered, “Just trust me stay upstairs because he’s supposed to work today so I don’t know how busy he will be. Sometimes he takes long lunches and he’s been talking about this party pretty graphically.”

  
“Wait are you saying this party and me being at the party or just the party in general?” I asked feeling like someone had placed a 50 pound boulder on my chest. When Pat didn’t answer I started to get nervous, “Pat?”

  
“Just stay upstairs I’m begging you,” Pat said.

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head, “Ok I will do everything I can to stay upstairs. Should I tell my mum?” I asked.

  
“No don’t make you worry about you anymore then she already is because I’m sure she’s already pretty worried what with what happened last night speaking of how are you feeling?” He asked me.

  
“Better, listen I’m going to go and find something to do I guess,” I said, “I’ll talk to you later.”

  
“I l-later,” Pat said and hung up the phone.

  
I went to my bedroom and went back to bed for a while. I spent the later morning early afternoon playing with the babies and taking care of them while mum did some house stuff like cleaning the kitchen and tidying up bedrooms in peace for once and then I went to go feed the little ones Lunch.

  
“Milk?” Andy asked me holding out his sippy cup and smiling from his high chair.

  
“Milk please you mean?” I asked.

  
“Milk please!” He repeatedly loudly.

  
“Good job Andy,” I said going over to the fridge and opening it to find the carton in the fridge but empty, “Hold on.” I said jogging down the hallway to find mum folding laundry and putting it away in the nursery.

  
“We’re out of Milk up here,” I told her.

  
“Go get some we have carton downstairs,” She answered and I stood there paused.

  
“What’s wrong love?” She asked me after she noticed I hadn’t moved.

  
“Do you think its ok for me to go downstairs?” I asked not wanting to tip her off that I had been warned that I should probably stay someplace safer.

  
“Aye, you’re Uncle’s not here he’s probably going to be at his friend’s house all weekend he said,” She answered me not really looking at me, “There aren’t any cars in the drive so I’m going to assume no one is here including your Da and that’s it’s just you and I love and the babies so I’d say you’re safe why?” She asked me.

  
“Just wondering if you thought it was ok,” I said shrugging my shoulders.

  
“I wouldn’t be telling you to go if I didn’t think you’d be safe,” She told me, “It will take you two minutes if anyone comes up the drive I’ll hear them and so will you you’ll be safe.” She answered.

  
“Ok, should I grab anything else while I’m down there?” I asked.

  
“The mail if you could, it’s not a long trip to the mailbox,” She said.

  
“All right,” I said.

  
I took the lift down to the second level and went out the back door of the kitchen. My heart jumped slightly when I saw the cruiser out on the street because I knew it was his but I didn’t see him around. I kept thinking that I couldn’t do this today and kept saying prayers under my breath hoping that nothing would happen that my mum was right and everything would be fine. I got up to the mailbox and opened it jumping ten feet in the hair when I felt someone tap my shoulder.

  
“Woah, sick huh?” Hank asked looking at me, “You don’t look sick.”

  
I couldn’t even speak. I wanted to. I wanted to tell him to get away from me and go do his job go somewhere else but to stay away from me but every time I went to speak I couldn’t force any words out. This was bad this was really fucking bad. I opened and shut my mouth a couple times no sound escaping as I started at him.

  
“That excited to see me?” He asked slapping me on the ass making me tense, “Relax it’ll be fairly quick.”

  
I didn’t want to do this. I felt frozen already feeling his hands on me in places that they weren’t touching a panic spreading to every cell in my body yet I couldn’t move. I stared at him a deer in the headlights.

  
“Gone shy?” He whispered into my ear moving me forward past the mail box up my drive way every step feeling like a step towards death as he kept his hand on my shoulder making sure I kept walking forward.

  
If this was going to be fairly quick it meant he wasn’t planning to have anal sex with me so that only left receiving or giving and he seemed to talk an awful lot about how he really enjoyed it when I climaxed which meant it would be the one thing that I hated the most and I knew it. I was still slightly sore from yesterday too and I didn’t want to do that. He walked me into the back door off the kitchen and sighed turning me around so I was facing him.

  
“You going to return to earth anytime soon space cadet?” He asked me waving a hand in front of my face and waiting for me to respond. He smiled at me, “I know something that will bring you back down or up,” He said his hand going to my pants.

  
“Don’t,” I mumbled backing away a few steps.

  
“Figures that would work,” Hank said, “You all right?”

  
“I don’t want to have sex with you,” I said honestly hoping it would take him by surprise and somehow make him back away and leave me alone.

  
“All you have to do is lay there, maybe moan a little bit,” He said coming forward as I took a couple more steps back, “It’s not real sex anyway I don’t have time for that right now but that doesn’t mean we can’t have fun.”

  
“Don’t touch me,” I said shaking my head continuing to back up until I hit a wall I glanced behind realizing the stairs were only a few feet to my left.

  
“Don’t think about it,” He warned, “You won’t make it to the elevator fast enough so instead of just having to lay there you’ll probably have a couple more bruises than would otherwise be needed.”

  
I tried to think clearly both my brain and heart racing as fast everything felt blurry, “Is there anything else I can…” he cut me off.

  
“Do for me?” Hank chuckled lightly, “You know me, you know what I like,” He answered sliding his tongue along his lower lip looking me up and down, “You want to go downstairs? Or upstairs?”

  
I closed my eyes trying to keep breathing. Well at least he didn’t want to do it in the kitchen I thought not that going upstairs or downstairs made it better in anyway just made it less likely someone else would see and save me some embarrassment. I honestly didn’t have an answer because I didn’t want to do anything with him or go anywhere with him but I knew I was short on choices at that point.

  
He closed the gap between us pulling my t-shirt out from where it was tucked into my jeans watching me closely, “Make a choice before I make it for us,” He muttered into my neck giving me goose bumps his hand on my stomach under my shirt as he licked my neck and it felt like my heart stopped beating.

  
“Downstairs,” I whispered hoping he would move his hand away and start walking downstairs before I did and that maybe if he did I could lock him down there and run upstairs before he did anything to me but instead he smiled.

  
“Interesting choice, you want to know why they keep me on the force?” He asked me looking at me closely before he bent over and picked me up throwing me over his shoulder holding me up by my legs, “because I’m strong.”

  
He used one arm to hold me up while he took my shoes off throwing them on the ground with the others piled by the door and then shifted my weight slightly so he had a better grip on me as he started walking down the stairs carrying me like a cave man would, “Watch your head.” He warned me as we started going down the steps.

  
He took me into the first room the one without the bed but that had the sex couch in it and the hook and it made me wonder exactly what he was planning on doing it with. I didn’t want to be down here I wanted to take it back and change my mind but I knew it was too late for that. He put me down head first onto the sex couch and didn’t even really wait for me to move but straddled me forcing his tongue in my mouth his only breaking contact to get my shirt over my head exposing my chest which made me feel naked and vulnerable. I didn’t want to do this. That’s all I kept thinking was “I don’t want to do this”. Before I knew it his kisses were trailing and he was pulling my jeans and underwear off at the same time like he was in a hurry leaving me there naked.

  
“I have an idea hold on,” He said smiling happily getting up and going over to the wall where Da kept all the toys in that room and grabbed that thing that was shaped like a boat anchor that he had used on me before and some lube, “We’ll make it really fun.” He mumbled into my stomach not even bothering to lick or kiss his way down to my waist.

  
I closed my eyes tightly and allowed him to manipulate my body into whatever position he wanted it in and he stuck the toy inside me and turned it on high sending a weird shock through my body and then he started kissing me again. First my neck and jaw then my collar bone when he came up for air he looked me in the face, “Feels good huh?” He said and I shook my head in response, “That’s not what your face is saying, you’re eyes are so wide right now baby what if I do this?” He asked reaching down and grabbing me starting to give me a hand job.

  
I bit my bottom lip trying to bite back a scream because I didn’t want him to think I liked it because I didn’t even though it felt good it made me ashamed of myself and the fact that I couldn’t control what I was feeling.

  
I tried to keep my face blank but no matter what I did I felt that my eyes were wide and my body was responding the way he wanted it to,

  
“That’s it baby,” He cooed into my ear as he rubbed harder, “Let it happen.”

  
I didn’t want to do this! GOD FUCKING DAMNIT I DIDN’T WANT THIS! Before I could stop myself my mouth was open in a silent scream and I knew I was close to climax and he could tell I was too because his shoved his head into my lap taking me into his mouth making me orgasm sucking it down as the vibrator still pushed against my prostate making my insides tickle and feel jumpy.

  
He started kissing my face and neck, “good boy, that’s a good boy,” he muttered into my jaw bone shifting his weight and undoing his belt on his uniform and I knew he was going back on what he said but I didn’t care I was already so fucking numb I didn’t think it mattered and I let him do it. I let him slid on top me and fuck me as he moaned and wiggled bucking up inside of me until his needs were met and then when he was done he got off of me and pulled up his pants.  
“You’re fucking amazing you know that? I hope you’re clean because I know I am, I got a little too excited and didn’t want to lose it I hope that’s ok,” He said looking at his watch, “Oh shit I’m 15 minutes late I have to go I’ll see you later.” And he scrambled out of the room and upstairs out of the house.

  
I sat there trying to absorb what he had just told me even though I wasn’t stupid and I could feel it dripping down my legs just like when my Da did it. He hadn’t used a condom. I sat there debating it in my head whether I should tell my mum what had happened or keep my mouth shut my whole body still shaking Hanks praises still echoing throughout my system as my head pounded because of my lack of alcohol.

  
“WHY DO YOU FUCKING HATE ME!!!?” I screamed at the air until it became a horrible wordless shriek. I screamed until my voice was horse and I couldn’t scream anymore and then I stood up and put my clothes back on. I went over to the wall and the dresser of toys I don’t even know what I was looking for but then I found it a razor it’s steel shiny and inviting looking at me just begging me to rake it across my skin so I could watch the droplets blossom from my parted flesh I pulled down my pants and struck it hard and fast across my inner thigh and noticed immediately I had made a bit of an error my skin having an obvious part to it that hadn’t been there before exposing the under layer of light pink as droplets started to form.

  
“Fuck,” I sighed hobbling over to the bathroom and yanking the door open riffling through the medicine cabinet to find something to patch it with. I ended up finding a knee band aid and some gauze and medical tape which I slapped on it before I left and then I walked upstairs like nothing happened grabbed the mail off the counter where I had left it sitting the milk out of the fridge and then rode the lift back up.

  
“That took a while,” Mum said when I got to the end of the hallway, “I gave them apple juice you were only supposed to be gone for a couple of minutes what on earth happened?”

  
“Nothing, here’s the mail,” I said putting it down on the counter.

  
“Don’t give me attitude I was depending on you to be quick,” She scolded me.

  
“Yeah what the fuck ever I’m sorry all right,” I hissed and walked to my room shutting the door and throwing myself onto my bed and into my pillows.

  
All I could think about was how I should have showered before I cut myself because I could still feel his scum on me but I knew the cut would sting badly if any water hit it. I wanted to punch my bedroom wall for being so stupid and I knew it would only take a little while before I bled through my make shift bandage because I could taste metal in my mouth. My mum knocked on the door.

  
“Is this because you haven’t had any alcohol? I have the water bottle right here I’m supposed to measure it out for you from now on,” She said setting the bottle on my nightstand.

  
“A little late but thanks,” I said grabbing it and swallowing almost all of it at once.

  
“For the love of bananas John!” She exclaimed, “What is wrong with you today?”

  
“If you had let me go to school none of this would have happened,” I hissed at her, “Leave me alone.”

  
“None of what?” She asked me a confused look on her face.

  
“Nothing, none of anything mum go away,” I said burying my face back in the pillows so she didn’t see me freaking out and crying.

  
“John?” I heard her ask then felt a hand on my shoulder.

  
I don’t know why but I turned and slugged her before I could stop myself.

  
“What in the world? I’m your mum you don’t hit me!” She said looking at me shocked my breathing heavy almost like I was anticipating something bad.

  
I swallowed hard realizing what I had just done and how scared and upset she must be, “Mum I’m sorry I didn’t mean to! I’m so sorry!”

  
“Can you tell me why you think it’s ok to hit me now?” She asked me from the door.

  
“I don’t think it’s ok to hit you it was an accident I felt like…never mind I’m sorry ok?” I said.

  
“You felt like what?” She asked.

  
“They sneak up behind me sometimes,” I answered.

  
“Who?” she asked.

  
“I don’t know,” I shrugged my shoulders, “Da, Hank, Uncle Ben all of them. Just all of them.”

  
“What happens when they sneak up on you?” She asked me softly trying to coax me into talking to her.

  
“Bad things,” I answered simply not wanting to talk about it, not wanting to go into detail. She knew what happened and I thought it was pointless for her to pretend she didn’t.

  
She sighed sitting down on my bed, “I know it’s hard to talk about love I’m sorry you have to go through this, we’ll be out soon though I prom-“she paused, “Is that blood?” She asked pointing at the leg of my pants and looked down. My lower inner thigh had already bled through the bandage.

  
“It’s nothing,” I said starting to feel warm and fuzzy.

  
“That’s not nothing what happened love?” She asked me.

  
I started laughing. I still don’t know why I started laughing but I was laughing hysterically probably the drink going to my head making me feel warm and happy relaxed, “I cut myself and I think I went too deep.”

  
“Why?” She asked.

  
“He fucked me,” I answered still laughing, “He came up to me at the mail box and then he blew me and he fucked me he didn’t even use a condom.”

  
“Love what are you talking about?” She said the pitch in her voice changing.

  
“He fucked me!” I screamed and started laughing again.

  
“I’ll be right back,” She said shutting the door behind.

  
I kept laughing until my laugh turned into a cry and until I started to fall asleep. I don’t know how long it was before Vic showed up but there he was with his med kit talking to mum as he walked in.

  
“How much has he had?” He asked her.

  
“He drank the whole thing, everything I handed him as fast as he could.” She answered.

  
“Well, he’s drunk then so that would explain the odd mood, you said he told you someone didn’t use a condom?” Vic asked her.

  
“That’s what he said. When would anyone have time to…,” She stopped and thought about it, “It was your uncle wasn’t it?”

  
“Guess again mum?” I said a bit more calm.

  
“I have no idea who would be able to get into the house.” She answered.

  
“Everyone thinks we’re fucking but we’re not, nope his dad is fucking me instead,” I said starting to laugh again.

  
“Ok Danielle, I think you should go look after everyone I’m going to see what exactly he did to his leg here and him and I are going to have a talk,” Vic said forcing my mum out the door, “You’re worrying her you need to stop.”

  
“What? She wants me to talk about it so I’m talking about,” I said, “Everyone thinks Pat and I have sex we don’t Hank has sex with me whenever he gets a chance. You know what he really likes he really likes to…”

  
“STOP IT!” Vic warned me, “I don’t need you to tell me any of that ok? That is not the point of you talking about it the point of you talking about it is so you feel better this isn’t going to make you feel better once you sober up knowing you said all of these things will make you feel worse trust me on that so you need to stop and if you can’t and you think you have to say something write it down until you sober up. Now if you could please show me your leg so I can determine whether you are going to bleed out and I have to take you to the ER that would be great.”

  
I stood up and pulled down my pants leaving my boxers on and allowed him to rip my bandage from my leg he hissed when he said it but started cleaning it, “You’re lucky, you only need maybe 12 stitches in this thing it will stop it from bleeding all over. I have some lidocaine to use so sit back and just let me do my job. You need to cut the shit kid I’m serious.”

  
“I need to cut the shit? What about everyone else?” I asked rolling my eyes.

  
“If I could stop them I would,” Vic answered.

  
“Yeah sure you fucking would. I feel so done with this, with all of this I just want to be left alone so I can rot somewhere ok?” I said going from angry to sad and depressed again.

  
“This will all be over for you soon enough,” Vic said, “I think the last thing you’re probably going to have to deal with is the party and after that you should be out of here and away from all of this so just hold on,” Vic muttered.

  
“I feel like I’m already out of time,” I said looking at me as he numbed up my leg and put the first stitch in.

  
“You’re not out of time at all in fact we’re doing everything we can to give you some. If you stay in this, you stay out of time if you guys make it out that’s the only way you can have any. You just need to hold on until your mom and I can get you guys out of this ok?” Vic answered.

  
“That’s not what I meant,” I said.

  
“Patrick?” He asked looking at me waiting for some kind of confirmation that’s what I was talking about when I didn’t give it he sighed, “You can email him still you just can’t call him.”

  
“Or see him,” I mumbled, “Or touch him.”

  
“Hey! That’s something you’re not supposed to be doing anyway remember? I remember being a teenager I remember what those hormones do so keep those hormones as much to yourself as possible unless you want to end up…”

  
“Dead? Maybe I do maybe I’d rather be dead then without him,” I answered.

  
“No you wouldn’t,” Vic said, “Trust me.”

  
“At least when I’m with him I don’t have to be alone,” I said as Vic finished stitching my leg together.

  
“You’re not alone there are support groups all of the place for this type of stuff who knows maybe you’ll find someone else? Someone that makes you feel even better than Pat does, have you showered yet?” He asked looking at me closely.

  
I shook my head, “I figured I’d wait for you sew up my leg,” I answered, “The water when it hits it sends a burning stinging type of hurt through me if it hits an open cut so.”

  
“Can you do me a favor?” He asked cocking his head to the side looking at me.

  
“What?” I asked.

  
“Come to the ER with me,” He said standing up.

  
“Why? I’m not really hurt any worse than I was yesterday I mean he was actually down right careful for the most part,” I said.

  
“Rape kit, if he didn’t use a condom his DNA is going to be all over you we could get him on this,” Vic said looking at me.

  
“You mean having someone use that thing you used before to check and see if I was bleeding and taking pictures and shit like you and my mum did? No I won’t do that,” I said.

  
“I think you should,” Vic said.

  
“Yeah well, I won’t. You just stitched my leg together and no offense but I have the willies just from that I don’t think someone swabbing my asshole is going to go over well,” I said.

  
“Woah, attitude much?” Vic said his eyes widening, “All right I can’t make you get one done but I’m letting you know I think you should.”

  
“Yeah well I’m not changing my mind I’m not going to let someone touch me if I don’t have to let them,” I answered.

  
“I could always talk to your mom, she might make you go and have one done,” He answered.

  
“Don’t you dare,” I said shaking my head, “Are you kidding me Vic? What the fuck is that? You know what this feels like you know how sick to my stomach thinking of anyone touching me is making me feel so why would you force me to have one done?”

  
“You mean anyone but Patrick,” He corrected me.

  
“That’s different,” I said.

  
“Yeah, only a little. If you can stand to have him touch you a doctor shouldn’t be any different,” Vic told me.

  
“I TRUST HIM!” I shouted causing one of the babies to start crying down the hallway, “Don’t you get it? I don’t trust any doctors, I don’t trust you, I don’t trust my mum and I certainly don’t trust anyone else.”

  
“Why don’t you trust your mum, I can understand why your faith in me might be leery but your mum?” He asked.

  
I sighed, “I don’t mean to not trust her I just don’t. You know how hard it is to believe someone who says you’re going to be ok that they are going to get you out of whatever shit hole you are in only be thrown back into it because they went out and weren’t careful enough? You know how hard it is to realize they are downstairs or in a room down the hallway maybe while, your Da…,” My voice got caught in my throat I couldn’t think about it anymore. I knew it wasn’t her fault but sometimes it felt like maybe she was to blame for it too.

  
“Ok,” Vic nodded his head, “All right.”

  
“So can I please just not go?” I asked.

  
“I can’t make you go and you said you don’t’ want to and you’re sure you won’t change your mind so I won’t say anything to her but just know if you changed your mind it might make it easier to…”

  
“To what Vic? To get him on raping me? What about all of the others what will they think when he goes to prison if he even does? Won’t that cost my family their lives?” I asked.

  
“I don’t know, I’ve never had the chance to catch one of them at it really, they are very careful or try to be,” Vic said.

  
“So you want to use the spunk in my asshole to catch them? Why don’t you steal a video from them? They are like all over,” I said.

  
“Because they would be able to trace it back to me,” Vic answered.

  
“And they wouldn’t be able to trace this back to you? Please just no,” I said, “That’s my final answer.”

  
“All right,” He said, “I’m going to go, shower, clean yourself up sleep off your buzz and I’ll see you Friday.”

  
I did just that. I slept most of the day away my mum waking me up around 2:30 to let me know that Pat had brought my school work to me and when he came in I was so happy to see him that I could have jumped on him if I hadn’t been so tired and had such a massive headache. I really felt like shit.

  
“You ok?” Pat asked me.

  
“Not really,” I answered, “My mum sent me out to get mail earlier and guess what happened?”

  
“Shit no,” He said.

  
“Yeah, that’s how I feel about it too,” I answered as Pat came and sat in the bed next to me hugging me tightly.

  
“I’m so sorry,” Pat said, “I want to fucking kill him.”

  
“Vic asked me to get a rape exam done,” I said shaking my head.

  
“Why would you need a rape kit done what good would that do you unless he didn’t,” Pat’s eyes went wide, “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

  
I swallowed the lump in my throat and coughed a little, “You’re the only ones. You, my Da and…,”

  
“I’m so sorry Rabbit,” he said and just hearing him say it made me start to tear up.

  
“I’m fine, it’s ok,” I lied.

  
“No, it’s not ok none of this is ok Rabbit,” He said kissing my forehead and cuddling me, “I have some interesting news.”

  
“What?” I asked, “Did you ace that test you emailed me about?”

  
“No it’s Villa news,” Pat said, “Dom is like totally flipping out like he had a major panic attack and I think part of it might have been because he only talks to you usually and you weren’t there.”

  
“Should I call him?” I asked worried. I might not have been in a relationship with Dom but Dom was a good friend and I knew he didn’t handle things well and he was very much like I was. He mostly kept his emotions to himself.

  
“Probably,” Pat said nodding, “But he heard some rumors from his Pop talking on the phone too loud again.”

  
“What did he hear?” I asked.

  
“Well apparently McClairen is going and guess who he wants to sponsor?” Pat asked me.

  
“No,” I looked at him, “Are you ok with that?”

  
“Fuck no,” Pat said, “Honestly the idea kind of freaks me out a little because I don’t know what to do with that. He’s not violent in general and I find it unsettling but at the party they make them tone it down and just I think it’s going to be too…just it’s bad enough you can’t control what happens already let alone when they…” Pat shook his head not able to finish but I understood what he meant.

  
My Da was like that constantly. He made it feel good and he made sure even if you didn’t want it to be consensual it felt like sex. He touched you the right way pushed the right buttons to make it so you couldn’t control your response. It made you feel guilty and ashamed. Up until the abuse stopped when I was an adult when my Da would rape me he always knew no matter what he was doing to me how to touch me to make me climax and he used that knowledge to really mess with my head.

  
“I’m thinking I’ll get amped and just like deal with it because at that point you don’t really care, it just takes a bump or two,” Pat said.

  
“What?” I asked confused.

  
“Do some coke, it will keep me going until I crash and when you crash after that trust me you crash,” Pat said nodding.

  
“You shouldn’t do that,” I said.

  
“Yeah well from what I understand Cole is taking some but it makes Cole horny as fuck,” Pat said laughing slightly.

  
“Yeah I think I remember that,” I said thinking about the night in the basement with Cole when we were locked in the cage together how he had kind of jumped on me and started making out with me.

  
“Yep,” Pat said shaking his head, “You’ll be on something too I think Hunter is doing G he always does G though but yeah almost everyone at these parties is on something because it makes it easier to deal with. If it’s not drugs they are piss drunk if they can help it trust me.”

  
“This is fucked up,” I sighed.

  
“Yes, very much so but you know how it feels, what it’s like. Can you blame any of us?” Pat asked.

  
“No,” I said without hesitation.

  
It was all true. None of us liked it but we didn’t have a choice in the matter. Drugs was really one of the only ways to cope with it. I didn’t realize until I got older but it was common practice among us to do drugs, starve ourselves and burn or cut ourselves just so we could numb out from what was going on around us and feel something else other than them. Sex, drugs, cutting, food those were the four horsemen in my life at the time and would be for my brothers and sisters as well even though at the age of 13 I had no clue how serious some of those horsemen could become but looking back they destroyed us we allowed them to tear us apart because of one man who was supposed to care and protect us who didn’t really give a fuck about us as humans at all and all of these guys these “bottoms” were in the same boat as me and my siblings so they all chose one of the four horsemen as well.

  
“You want to know the weirdest part of all of this?” I asked Pat looking at him closely.

  
“What?” He asked me.

  
“I never thought I could love someone and here I am in like the shittest place I could be and yet here you are, with your ice blue eyes and almost black hair and that look. Half the time when I think about you I think about how bad I want you to touch me, how your day is going and the other half the time I imagine doing things that well, we can’t do we shouldn’t do,” I said rubbing his arm lightly as I leaned back onto his chest.

  
“Really?” He asked cocking one of his eyebrows.

  
“Yes really you think I’d lie?” I asked.

  
“No, I just kind want to hear you say it again,” Pat said sitting up a little so he look at my face better.

  
“Hear me say what again?” I asked teasing.

  
“You know what,” He answered.

  
“I love you,” I said and he smiled and nodded his head.

  
“I love you too,” He replied leaning down and kissing me gently on the lips. He moved laying on his side and settling in next to me for a moment looking at me closely, “So, you really want me bad huh?”

  
I out right laughed just the way he had asked the question making it seem like it wasn’t a big deal just putting it out there so bluntly it made me a little uncomfortable. How on earth was I supposed to answer that yes? Or yes I want to suck your dick and cum inside your asshole? Like what on earth do you say to that?

  
“What?” He asked watching me closely, “You’re the one who said you wanted to do things that we shouldn’t do. So I’m assuming you mean you know…”

  
“Yes, that’s what I mean,” I answered entwining my fingers with his as we laid beside each other staring at each other.

  
“If and that’s a big deal if we did that how would you want to…you know? Because someone has to receive and someone has to be the giver,” Pat said.

  
“You know I receive a lot so how do you think that would go?” I asked.

  
“Not well unless you really trusted me but I have question for you. Wouldn’t it be interesting to try it with someone who actually cared whether you were enjoying it and comfortable with it or not?” Pat asked me.

  
“It might be interesting yeah but I don’t get a lot of chances to be in control so I would like to try that again,” I answered straddling him, “Without a camera in my face.”

  
“Oh my tough little Rabbit huh?” He said smiling seductively.

  
“Maybe,” I said leaning in and kissing him my tongue sliding over his, his hands on my back under my shirt.

  
Damn he always felt so good. The electric sparks shooting through the nerves of my skin the warmth of his body against mine. I wanted him so bad but I knew it wasn’t a good idea and after a minute or two I was able to stop myself and rolled off, me of laying beside him breathless and he grabbed my hand and kissed the back of it entwining our fingers again.

  
“How are we going to get through this weekend?” I asked.

  
“High,” Pat answered simply both of us staring at the ceiling, “I brought your homework, did you know we now have a sub for Math?”

  
“Yeah Dunbee told me Barren was being transferred. Because someone accused him abusing boys,” I answered smiling at him knowingly.

  
“If any of them is a true Priest its father Dunbee. He’s a good guy,” Pat said.

  
“He is,” I answered, “He keeps telling me if I ever need to talk to him I can. It’s actually pretty weird.”

  
“What? An old guy that cares and doesn’t want to touch your junk?” Pat laughed and I smacked him playfully.  
“Yeah, should I go call Dom now?” I asked Pat.

  
“Yeah, let’s go call him,” Pat said jumping up off the bed so I could get up.

  
We headed down the hallway to the kitchen to find mum sliding pizza rolls into the oven and Mike, Matt, James and Cat sitting around the dinner table doing school work since they had just gotten home about 20 minutes before.

  
“Hey,” Will said glancing up from where he was leaning over the table helping Matty.

  
“Hi,” Pat replied and I tuned out for the rest of what they said dialing Dom’s home number.

  
The phone rang and I waited, it rang some more and still I waited and then finally someone picked up, “yeah?” They barked.

  
“Is Dom there?” I asked.

  
“Who is this?” The person asked roughly.

  
“John from school,” I answered.

  
“Yeah sure, I’ll get him DOMINIC! SOMEONE FROM SCHOOL!” the person shouted in my ear.

  
“Privet,” Dom’s voice said.

  
“None of that Russian shit,” I heard from the other side of the phone.

  
“Yeah yeah,” Dom said actually cupping his hand over the phone to muffle his yell, “Hello.”

  
“It’s me, John,” I said.

  
“OH THANK YOU FUCKING GOD!” He yelled and then realized how loud he was talking, “sorry, are you ok? I heard from Pat you had like a break down yesterday and you weren’t in school today so I was wondering if you were ok or if you’re like flipping the fuck out because I’m here and I’m flipping the fuck out and I thought you might be like dead or locked in a basement or some shit or whatever but I guess you’re ok or at least alive right?” He said all in one breath.

  
“I’m alive, yes,” I answered shaking my head, “Are you ok?”

  
“Not really but, it’s whatever,” Dom said and I swear I could hear him shrugging his shoulders.

  
“What do you mean not really?” I asked concerned.

  
“I don’t have a sponsor for this weekend so I’m kind of just waiting to see what happens. Apparently my pop’s isn’t even letting me go to school on Friday. Some people are getting pulled early I guess. I don’t know,” Dom sighed heavily.  
“So you’re super nervous too then?” I asked.

  
“Yeah won’t be my first rodeo though, I’ll be all right just will take me a while that’s all,” He said.

  
“You want to come over and hang out Pat’s here,” I asked.

  
“And do what watch you two make out? No I’m cool thanks for the offer though,” Dom answered.

  
“We’re not supposed to do that anymore,” I said as I felt Pat slide his arms around my waist as I leaned over the counter and my mum coughed causing Pat to back up and smile at her and wave sort of his way of saying “yeah I’m behaving”.

  
“Doesn’t mean you won’t once the door is closed, I mean if I could get Talia alone more often I’d be all up in that,” Dom said making me laugh.

  
“Not something I wanted to picture but thanks for that,” I said.

  
“How do you think I feel watching you with Pat I mean I’m sure you two get down and dirty behind closed doors the way you two hang on each other in public, Oh yeah Cole said to keep you two away from each other as much as possible this weekend by the way,” Dom said.

  
“Yes, that’s been discussed,” I sighed, “I’ll see you tomorrow at school? You sure you’re going to be ok?”

  
“Yeah they are giving me a break for now,” Dom said, “See you tomorrow.” And then hung up the phone.

  
“So what did he say?” Pat asked.

  
“Not much,” I answered, “Probably because of who is right there. He said he’s fine for right now but he’s on edge I feel it in my bones it’s really weird.”

  
“We’re all on edge,” Pat said.

  
“About what?” My mum asked looking at us bending over to take Mary out of the height chair.

  
“Finals before break,” I answered.

  
“It’s only the first week of February love why are you so worried about it? You aren’t all the best students I know you guys struggle with grades a lot but you all are hard workers I’m sure you’ll be fine,” Mum answered.

  
“Well,” Pat said smiling, “That’s why we’re so worried about it.”

  
“Sure you are,” Will said walking over and opening up the fridge to grab some juice.

  
“What does that mean?” Pat asked his face falling.

  
Well shrugged his shoulders and then cocked his head to the side meaning we should follow him. He put the carton but into the fridge and we followed him down the hall to his room, “It means keep your shit together and be careful that she’s not listening so she doesn’t blow a gasket.” He answered once we were safely in his room.

  
“You aren’t even in the age group so how the fuck do you know?” Pat asked frowning.

  
“He hacks their emails,” I answered for Will.

  
“Damn, you have skills huh?” Pat asked.

  
“Yeah, I can tell you the guest list if you like, who has sponsors what the rules are who is in what room, they emailed all of that to Da,” Will said looking at us.

  
“Da’s coming?” I asked a cold numbness spreading through me.

  
“Yes,” Will answered sighing heavily.

  
“He’s sponsoring someone too,” Will said, “Cole.”

  
“What?” Pat asked.

  
“Yep, McClairen is coming and he’s sponsoring you,” Will told Pat.

  
“Yeah I know,” Pat said, “Any other priest coming?”

  
“No, he’s the only one couple of names I don’t know Tony is coming, Of course Arthur and Hank are going to be there, Uncle Ben, the leader, some dude named Hobbs don’t know if you guys know him or not, Richneck, Marks, Peence, Dink, Morrow, McQueen, Huber, Frost and I can’t remember who else but there are a lot of names so,” Will said.

  
“You’re missing half the list unless it’s going exclusive which I didn’t think this party was going to be,” Pat answered.

  
“What do you mean by exclusive?” Will asked.

  
“They limit the number of boys going to like 10 or so,” Pat answered.

  
“Then yes, exclusive,” Will answered.

  
“Who?” Pat asked.

  
“You, John, Cole, Dom, Hunter, Kristoff, Christian, Alec, Alec, Brodric, Chad, Caleb and Dylan,” Will answered.

  
I felt my body freeze over. That wasn’t good. Wherever Dylan usually went Leo was going to be I knew that I wasn’t stupid. I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

  
“Rabbit are you ok?” Pat asked looking at me.

  
“No something’s wrong,” Will said looking at me, “John just breathe you’re fine.”

  
“He looks like he just saw a ghost,” Pat said and then put his hand on my shoulder, “Rabbit come on you’re ok.”

  
“I can’t do this,” I said slowly, “I can’t do this.”

  
“They’re going to give you something so you don’t remember, you know that right?” Pat said his eyes worried.

  
“John you’re shaking, do I need to go get mum?” Will asked.

  
“I don’t feel right,” I answered my breath still feeling caught in my chest I felt like I was going to be sick or faint or something. I didn’t know what was going on but I knew I felt weak all of the sudden. Before I knew it Pat was grabbing me.

  
“It’s all right, you’re ok I got you,” He said holding me tightly, “You’re ok.”

  
I hadn’t even noticed Will leave the room to go get her but they came running down the hall before I knew it and mum came in to Pat still holding me up right because I felt like my legs were weak like I couldn’t stay standing.

  
“Love what’s wrong?” Mum said coming up to us and checking my forehead with the back of her hand, “Is this like what happened yesterday?” She asked looking at me watching my face.

  
“It can be a little different each time,” Pat said softly and I turned and clung to him trying to keep myself grounded trying to remember how to breathe, “Its ok Rabbit, can you get him some meds?” Pat asked looking at my mum as I buried my face in his chest and he sat with me on the floor of my brother’s room.

  
“Yeah,” Mum said and I heard her footsteps softly walking away.

  
“Can you tell me how you feel?” Pat asked running a hand through my hair.

  
“Sick, light headed, something’s wrong,” I answered gasping.

  
“Ok, you’re having a panic attack you know why?” He asked me and I nodded my head, “Can you tell me what you’re thinking?”

  
“He’s going to be there I can’t do it, I can’t be there if he’s there I can’t, I can’t do that again I can’t,” I kept repeating. I knew I sounded crazy but I couldn’t stop myself from saying it I couldn’t stop myself from saying every thought I had, “He can’t touch me I can’t do it pat I can’t do it, I can’t, I just can’t.”

  
“Ok,” Pat said, “Don’t think about it, I need you to take deep breaths in through your nose count to four out through your mouth count to four ok Rabbit?”

  
“I can’t do it, not with both of them I can’t,” I repeated.

  
“There’s going to be a lot more than two of them John ok but listen to me, you are getting something to make it so you won’t remember it hopefully any of it you’re going to be fine,” Pat said.

  
“You don’t get it Pat, you don’t understand what he did to me!” I said this weird tingle going through my body making me sick to the point where I started gagging.

  
“You’re going to be sick let’s get you into the bathroom,” Pat said helping me by dragging me into Will’s bathroom and getting me over the toilet, “Right now you’re safe none of them are here you’re with me in your brothers room no one is going to hurt you right now.” He said rubbing my back as I started to barf into the toilet.

  
After a couple of minutes my mum came in with a glass of water and a pill that Pat shoved into my mouth when I was finished throwing up and I swallowed. He then sat with me on the bathroom floor for a while hugging me and telling me I was ok repeatedly. After 10 minutes or so I started to feel calmer, sleepy almost.

  
“You ok?” He asked me and I nodded my head.

  
“Panic attack?” I asked.

  
“Pretty big one,” He said nodding his head still hugging me, holding me, “I think we should get you to your room because you’re going to pass out soon.”

  
My mum had left probably because it hurt her. Hurt her to watch me depending on someone else, hanging onto someone else for dear life and it probably hurt her even more the fact that it was another boy a boy I loved. I kissed him on the cheek first and then on the lips. I wanted to do more but he stopped me.

  
“You’re a little high Rabbit I don’t think now would be a good time, let’s get you to bed ok?” He asked and I nodded my head agreeing to his better judgement instead of protesting I was too tired. He helped me to my feet and walked me to my room where he helped me lay down. He shut the door and claimed into bed with me holding me and rubbing my back he laid there with me in silence.

  
“He made me cum like 8 or 9 times,” I said for some reason, “Leo, he drove me around in a SUV and I thought he was going to kill me, to use me until he had enough and then never let me come home.”

  
“Well,” Pat said calmly still rubbing my shoulders, “You’re home now.”

  
“Yeah home is only safe because he’s not here,” I answered even though I fighting to stay awake, “If he was here he’d be making me do things that make my insides feel like they are rotting.”

  
“I know Rabbit but he’s not here right now, just close your eyes go to sleep when you wake up you’ll feel better,” He whispered kissing my temple, “Just sleep I’m right here I’ll keep you safe. I swear.”

  
That’s the last thing I remember for a while was his promise that he would keep me safe that I would be ok. When I woke up I felt groggy and my mouth was dry but emotionally I felt better. I was still tired but I was better. Pat was nowhere to be seen but there was a note on my night stand telling me he had to go home but that he wanted me to be in school tomorrow that he loved me and I should try to not worry about the weekend.

  
I sighed sitting up and rubbing my eyes. I couldn’t believe what I had told him that I had admitted what had happened that I was so afraid I wouldn’t see any of them again. The way my Da made me feel about myself, all of it. However he hadn’t freaked out hadn’t thought I was weird or sick or broken he had just told me that I was home now and that he was going to watch me while I slept, keep me safe. That gave me comfort knowing that he cared enough, loved me enough to make sure I was ok.  
I fell back to sleep and I must have slept for a while because when I woke again it was dark. I got up and used the bathroom the house seeming quiet. After a few minutes I decided to go check on the nursery not sure if mum was there or not but she was the night light the only light on in the whole upper floor shining brightly in the dark. I opened the already cracked door to find her rocking Laura while everyone else slept in the cribs around her. She looked up and smiled sadly at me.

  
“Feel better?” She asked me.

  
“A little yeah,” I answered.

  
“You want to tell me something love?” She asked me.

  
“Like what?” I asked.

  
“Pat said you told him somethings, which he found not easy to hear. He said he wouldn’t tell me what but that I should ask you about them,” Mum answered.

  
“I don’t want to tell you,” I answered.

  
My mum was silent for a moment staring at me, “Ok just know he’s really worried about you.”

  
“I know,” I answered, “Everyone is I’m not stupid I’ve noticed.”

  
“Do you think we have a reason to be worried?” She asked me suddenly.

  
I couldn’t tell if it was a trick question or not but I knew she was asking my opinion. I didn’t see what it mattered if they were worried there wasn’t anything they could do. Nothing would make a real difference. The only thing that would really help me would be getting out and I didn’t think that was going to happen. My mum kept promising it would but I didn’t believe her.

  
“I don’t know. I don’t think anyone should worry because there isn’t anything anyone can do to change things,” I answered.

  
“You’re cutting yourself, you’re having panic attacks you’re not doing well John,” She answered.

  
“Only once,” I said meaning I had only cut myself once.

  
“You took something and put a gash in your thigh,” She sighed, “What can I do to help you?”

  
“Nothing,” I answered, “Get me out of here make them stop. I have no idea mum.”

  
“Ok,” She nodded her head, “Soon.”

  
Mac started to fuss and before mum could set down Laura I went and picked him up and started rocking him, “Hey little bud, you’re all right sleep. Just sleep.” I whispered to him as he started to settle back into slumber on my shoulder.

  
“You’re so good with them,” She said meaning my little brothers and sisters.

  
“Thanks, Will’s better though. He takes care of them often you know,” I answered.

  
“So do you just in different ways,” She said and I snorted in reply.

  
It was true but I didn’t feel like it was that much. Taking a beating here and there a rape so they didn’t have to I didn’t think of it as really taking care of them at all I thought of it as being a big brother. I didn’t think that I was really helping them at all feeding them sometimes, changing a diaper or two it didn’t seem like that big of a deal.

  
“You do, you’re a huge help John. You keep them safe,” She said.

  
“No one else does,” I answered, “It’s not like he cares you know? I mean it doesn’t matter to him what his friends are like. He let Hank pick Mac right up and didn’t even care. You should have seen the way he looked at him mum,” I said.

  
“That’s Pat’s dad right?” She asked me and I nodded my head.

  
I looked closely at the sleeping baby on my shoulder and thought about how awful it was that someone could look at him that way, think of him like that. He was so tiny and so innocent there wasn’t anything about someone that young that appealed to me and I couldn’t understand how anyone could find anything about a toddler arousing in the slightest.

  
“Pat talks to me sometimes,” She said suddenly causing me to look up, “About you, his worries a lot lately usually after you’re asleep.”

  
“What did he tell you?” I asked.

  
“He’s told me thing about his Dad so that I can understand some things,” She answered not going into detail not that I needed her to in order to understand what she was getting at. I nodded my head, “How do you feel safe with him when his dad is like that?”

  
“Because he’s not his dad,” I answered, “And if anyone has had to deal with Hank other than me Pat’s one of them. He knows what Hank’s like.”

  
“What is Hank like?” She asked me.

  
“Violent,” I answered, “Usually anyway.”

  
“He attacked you today?” She asked me, “Pat didn’t tell me that by the way I heard that through the door when you and Vic were yelling while you were drunk.”

  
I nodded my head, “It was like Da. The way he…” I trailed off.

  
“Once we leave you’re going to go to therapy. The relationship you have with him isn’t healthy in any stretch.” She told me.

  
“You think I don’t know that? Mum I don’t have, I don’t want to have that relationship with him he has it all twisted up in his head,” I answered.

  
“I know it’s him not you,” She said, “But you it’s affecting you.”

  
“Like it wouldn’t? Mum you, I know you think you know but you don’t,” I said.

  
“Ok,” Mum said nodding her head, “Ok I won’t pretend or think I know what it’s like but I wish you would tell me. I realize it’s hard to talk about what happens but maybe if you talked about how all of this made you feel you’d start dealing with things better.”

  
I swallowed rocking Mac a little bit harder. How did I explain what he made me feel like especially to my mum? He made me hate myself he made me feel out of control of everything and like it was my fault like I had done it somehow how on earth did I explain that.

  
“He makes me hate myself,” I said, “The things he says the way he can me my body do whatever he wants it to it’s like I have no, I can’t control anything mum never, nothing and he thinks that because he knows how to do things how to get me to do things that I want to and I don’t.”

  
“I know you don’t but you shouldn’t hate yourself, this isn’t your fault it’s his, it’s on your Da Johnathan not on you,” Mum answered.

  
“Yeah you can tell me that and I know that but it doesn’t feel that way,” I replied, “Can we not talk about this right now? I’m kind of hungry and I probably need sleep before school.”

  
“School? You’re not going to school John you need a very obvious break,” She said.

  
“Mum I want to go to school. I think being out of the house will give me something else to focus on,” I replied.

  
“Honey you’re in no condition to go to school I know you want to but between everything going on here lately and every time you leave the house something bad happening to you I want you to stay home,” She answered.

  
“I want to be with Pat,” I said, “I want to spend time with him ok? Is that wrong?”

  
“Yes and no, he’s your friend and I know he makes you feel better but I think you’re too close I think you need to find other support. Maybe spend more time with the kids your brothers and sisters maybe then you’ll feel better.”

  
“Mum he makes me feel better ok? I don’t know how to explain that to you and I don’t have much time left with him so please don’t take him away yet,” I said, “I know you think it’s wrong but if you take away…” She cut me off.

  
“You shouldn’t feel that way about another boy not like that I see the way you look at each other and I know I said you could touch each other and stuff but maybe you shouldn’t ok? Maybe it’s a bad idea for the two of you to hang out and be near each other because I don’t see this going away unless I do something about it. You know its wrong John you know it’s not supposed to be like this.” She said.

  
“You try to keep me home tomorrow I’m going to go out anyway. I know you don’t want me to say it and you hate thinking it but I love him mum I want to be with him. He makes me feel better when he touches me I don’t feel them on my skin anymore mum I feel almost normal.” I told her.

  
“That’s gross,” She said wrinkling her nose, “That’s not right and I know you can’t help it that you’re confused but that’s why you need to spend less time together not more time together. So I think I’m going to cut off your contact with him.”

  
“I’m going to go get some food and then I’m going to bed you can let me go to school tomorrow or you can fight me on it but I’m going ok?” I said kissing Mac gently on the head and laying him down softly so that he didn’t wake back up and walking away.  
I cried. I didn’t eat I went to my room and cried. Because my mum had called me gross and I felt gross not because I loved him but because I felt like she didn’t love me. Like there was so many things wrong with me that I couldn’t fix and didn’t even know where to start that I couldn’t deal with it anymore. If I hadn’t have wanted to see Pat so badly in the morning I probably would have killed myself. She was right I was gross. My body was gross my mind was gross and she had just reminded me of it. I cried myself back to sleep that night wishing that he was with me because I felt like he was the only one that cared and that understood what my life was like who I truly was.


	33. 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John enjoys some quiet moments of freedom with his friends and some alone time with Patrick only to have them ruined before he is taken away to the Villa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 761 to 789. I know I said the last 40 pages or so would be one big chapter but I decided to break it up into two. So second to last chapter here. Something I want to address because I'm sure if you're reading this your mind works somewhat like mine at least a little bit and you probably listen to or have heard of the band Linkin park. Their lead singer Chester Bennington committed suicide yesterday at the age of 41. He openly talked about and wrote about his sexual abuse that he suffered as a child. I think John portrays those feelings well. The feelings suffering like the abuse that he in real life suffered from and that John and his brothers and sisters are suffering from in this story. That is why it is so important to be aware of the signs of what sexual abuse does to someone. If you are young and you notice someone with drawling from friends and family, a change in their eating and sleeping habits, a change in their personality. The way they move through life, the type of clothing they wear. Maybe it's time to start asking some uncomfortable questions and get them some help or atleast let them know you are there for when they are ready. No one should ever have to feel alone and struggle with those thoughts. But sadly we live in a world where it's a reality to happens to so many boys and girls so often. Again I don't condone the sexual abuse or rape of anyone let alone children and writing these stories is my way of dealing with my own abuse and feelings behind it.  
> Warnings: Delinquent behavior, Homophobic language, Homophobia, swearing, talk of violence, Rape/non-con, underage sexual situations and behavoir

I woke up around five the next morning and got the babies changed and fed and then got dressed. I wasn’t going to let her stop me I wasn’t going to give her the chance. I went and walked down the street to Pat and Cole’s new house and waited on the corner sat down listening to music on a tiny Walkman. I saw Arthur a couple times and he smiled and waved at me and I nodded my head in response. He didn’t come near me though but I saw him watching me as he got into his car and drove off probably heading out to go to work. Around 6:30 both Cole and Pat came outside.

  
“Rabbit?” Pat asked squinting at me, “Why are you out here?”

  
“My mum didn’t want me to go to school,” I answered.

  
“Because of last night?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah she also called me gross though so, fuck her and what she wants,” I said.

  
“She what?” Cole asked.

  
“Because of Pat and me, she called me gross,” I repeated.

  
“Oh rabbit I’m sure she didn’t mean it like that,” Pat said hugging me.

  
“That’s what she said though she said she wants us to spend less time together,” I told him.

  
“That’s bullshit,” Cole said shaking his head, “You’re leaving in a while so I don’t see why less time is important now when you’re not going to be spending any time together really soon.”

  
“That’s what I was thinking too,” I agreed.

  
“She doesn’t mean anything by it Rabbit, you know she doesn’t she’s just confused,” Pat said leaning in resting his head on my shoulder.

  
“She’s confused, I’m the one who is confused,” I said as he kissed my neck lightly.

  
I smiled grabbing his shoulder. It felt good, woke me up physically but I didn’t want him doing that in front of Cole the feeling of his breath against my skin arousing me, “Babe.” I muttered.

  
Cole laughed, “Someone is horny.”

  
“Cole, hush,” Pat said making Cole smile widely, “Want to skip today? I mean its freedom until we’re out of time.”

  
“Hunter invited me to go to Covington beach, maybe you two could come?” Cole suggested.

  
“Why not Clifton?” Pat asked.

  
“Too public he wanted to swim you know he’s from Michigan he doesn’t think its cold at all being like 65. Covington is private swimming in underwear isn’t a problem. Covington has caves too in case someone wants to get a little something something going,” Cole answered smiling.

  
“Like who?” I asked.

  
“Whoever wants to I guess, I don’t know I’m going to see if I can get on some action obviously not with you two but Kristoff is pretty hot,” Cole said getting this dreamy look on his face.

  
“Kristoff is like 17,” Pat said.

  
“So?” Cole answered, “It’s just for fun.”

 

“That’s what all sex is to you just fun,” Pat replied.

  
“Since Justin yes, you can’t blame me can you? No relationship can’t get in trouble for it. Fucking is just fucking that and I don’t know I’ve heard that he’s a top and I haven’t been willingly dominated in a while.” Cole said smiling.

  
“You mean you want to receive?” I asked curious.

  
“Bingo, are you kidding me sometimes when they hit that spot oh my fucking god your eyes roll and when you want it it feels so fucking good,” Cole said a far off look in his eyes.

  
“I have a hard time picturing that,” I said.

  
“It’s Cole,” Pat whispered into my ear.

  
“Hey, I have a question for you two who does what?” Cole asked.

  
“Cole don’t be nasty,” Pat scoffed.

  
“What? I’m just curious,” Cole answered, “Sorry.”

  
“We haven’t really done that without being forced to,” I answered simply, “We’ve talked about it a little bit.”

  
“Really how do you think it would go?” He asked, “Pat? Going to be a gentleman and give you some control?”

  
I blushed, “Cole stop it,” Pat replied.

  
“Ok, fine sorry,” Cole said shaking his head as the bus pulled up and we got on.

  
When we got on Dom looked up as we started walking back towards him, “How is the new house guys?” He asked Cole and Pat.

  
“Fine,” Pat answered, “How are you?”

  
“Not in the mood for classes,” Dom said, “They are making me go early.”

  
“Go where?” Dick said from the seat in front of Pat and Cole.

  
“Who the hell are you and why are you listening to our conversation?” Pat asked.

  
“That is Dick, Dick Pat,” I said.

  
“What another one of you? How many of you guys are there? Do you all fuck your dad’s or is it just…” Just then Pat grabbed Dick by the throat.

  
“Shut your mouth before I shove my fist so far down it you’re going to be pulling my class ring out your asshole,” Pat hissed.

  
“Gentleman that’s enough!” The bus driver warned and Pat let go of Dick and smiled.

  
“Woah,” Dom said under his breath.

  
“Pat can have a temper,” I whispered to him.

  
“I’m aware but I’ve never seen him do that before.” Dom whispered back.

  
“I told him about Dick,” I said.

“That explains it then did you tell him Dick keeps implying you and I might be a thing,” Dom asked.

  
“No, don’t tell him that,” I answered knowing that hearing that Dick was teasing me too wouldn’t make Pat very happy.

  
“We’ve got a plan don’t worry about it,” Pat said looking at Dom.

  
“Plan?” He asked me. I bend close and whispered in his ear about how we were going to skip and go to the beach.

  
“Ah, fun I’m for it,” He said.

  
The bus pulled up to the school and we went to our spot. Hunter and everyone else was already there. They smiled and waved us over, “So are you guys skipping with us?” Hunter asked looking at the four of us.

  
“Yeah,” Pat said nodding his head, “We figured it was probably worth it.”

  
“Right?” Kristoff said, “I mean we’re fucked anyway so why not do something to deserve it?”

  
“That’s one way of looking at it,” Pat said handing out the smokes, “Hey Kris,” Pat said looking at Cole who shook his head.

  
“What?” He asked.

  
“Nothing never mind,” Pat said trying not to laugh.

  
“Seriously what?” Kristoff said again.

  
I started cracking up because I knew someone was going to say something about it I just couldn’t wait to see who. It wasn’t weird for us to mess around because of how life was sometimes it was just nice to feel someone against your skin that you wanted to actually touch you whether there were romantic feelings or not.

  
“Cole wants to take you into the caves,” Dom said.

  
“Well that was a polite way of putting it,” Hunter mused.

  
“You do?” Kristoff asked looking at Cole smiling.

  
“Why not?” Cole asked.

  
“You got a glove?” Kristoff asked.

  
“Always,” Cole smiled wider.

  
“Ok,” Kristoff said.

  
“Ew,” Dom said half laughing.

  
“Hey don’t knock it until you try it,” Kristoff replied.

  
“Well we know what they’re doing at the beach,” Hunter sigh taking a drag, “I’m driving Christian you going to drive too?”

  
“Yeah, I’ll drive, should I ask Alec, and Baker and Broddy if they are coming?” He asked.

  
“I’ll text Baker,” Dom answered pulling out a flip phone and sending something.

  
“Who are Baker and Broddy?” I asked confused for a second.

  
“Alec Baker and Brodric,” Christian answered, “I think Baker is in the same grade as you guys.”

  
“He is we didn’t even know he was brotherhood until we bothered to ask,” Dom answered.

  
“Yeah well his Dad doesn’t let him talk to many people so…” Kristoff shrugged his shoulders trailing off.

  
“Anyone have bathing suits?” Hunter asked.

  
“No,” Dom shook his head, “I’ll swim in my underwear.”

  
“Underwear why don’t you swim naked it’s not like we haven’t seen what you have before,” Christian said.

  
“Because I like having clothes on and I’m going to be without them from the time I go home this afternoon until mass on Sunday so excuse me for enjoying the fabric against my body,” Dom answered.

  
“Really? Like after school that soon for you?” Christian frowned like he was upset.

  
“Yeah,” Dom shrugged his shoulders, “It is what it is.”

  
“Why don’t you blow off some stream?” Kristoff said looking at him.

  
“You mean… no, nope I’m good thanks,” He answered taking a drag shaking his head.

  
“You two are so much alike,” Kristoff said.

  
“Who?” Dom asked.

  
“You and him, you don’t just mess around with anyone you’re both very…,” He said gesturing at me.

  
“Hey that’s my boyfriend you’re talking about,” Pat warned Kristoff.

  
“I’m just saying they both seem really up tight sometimes it’s nice to have something to think about before they…fuck you up is all,” Kris said.

  
“Have you ever dealt with Hank?” I asked Kris.

  
“No,” He answered.

  
“Then don’t judge us until you’ve spent time alone with him he’s not easy to deal with,” I said.

  
“None of them are,” Kris answered me, “What’s so horrible about him?”

  
Dom lifted up his shirt showing Kris his chest, the bite scars and claw marks up and down his torso that I had seen only once or twice before just looking at them making me cringe and then I thought how my chest probably looked close to the same. Kris’s mouth fell open his still lit cigarette falling to the ground, “shit.” He muttered.

  
“Yeah,” Dom said simply, “Do you blame us for not just hooking up with anyone who comes along and offers?”

  
Kris sighed heavily and everyone else’s moods got serious, “No,” He replied, “Sorry guys.”

  
“It’s fine,” I said.

  
“They’re less likely to get STD’s,” Cole said shrugging his shoulders, “And I thought you were straight anyway,” Cole said looking at Dom.

  
“I don’t know,” He answered, “I haven’t really thought about it.” Just then his phone made a sound causing Dom to flip it open and check his messages” Alec said he’s coming he’ll meet us in the parking lot.”

  
“Alec from science?” I asked.

  
“Yes,” he answered.

  
“Doesn’t he have like his own group?” Hunter asked, “I thought he hung out with Chad who is a shit by the way.”

  
“Yes, Chad is a piece of work,” I agreed.

  
“I’d rather not talk about Chad guys,” Dom said as the bell rang and instead of heading towards the building we headed towards the parking lot and sure enough Alec was coming outside jogging towards us before he got into trouble.

 

“Hey,” He said.

  
“Yo pick a car,” Christian said as he unlocked the door to his car climbing into the driver’s seat.

  
Cole, Pat and I sat in back of Hunters car while he and Kristoff sat up front and everyone else, Dom and Alec went with Christian Broddy and Baker as we were calling him. The ride wasn’t that far and it only took about 10 minutes or so to get to the beach and the moment we got there Cole and Kristoff disappeared.

  
Pat immediately stripped off his clothes and ran into the open water the tide at mid-point. He ran in and dived in and then shrieked like a girl and ran back out “HOLY SHIT THAT’S COLD!” He screamed coming up and hugging me.

  
“Don’t hug me if it’s cold!” I yelled trying to run away the sand blowing lightly around us. We spent the day lounging on the beach mostly and Cole and Kristoff eventually reappeared rather happy with themselves and then Pat looked at me.

  
“Hey,” He said putting his clothes back on,” Want to go check out the caves?” He asked me.

  
“Sure,” I said nodding my head as he held out his hand to help me up. He pulled me up from the sand and we ran to the caves, “So what are you going to try to seduce me?” I asked smiling as we entered.

  
“I wasn’t thinking so much seduce as make out and maybe feel you up a little if you let me,” Pat answered wrapping his arms around my shoulders and kissing my cheek as I laughed.

  
“So,” I said sitting down, “This is where everyone does it?” I asked.

  
“If we were I’d go a little farther back there’s a little pool kind of, it’s good for discreet blow jobs,” Pat said, “If you wanted one that is.”

  
“What if I want to give you one instead?” I asked thinking about it, the thought exciting me.

  
“I’d be up for it,” He said burying his head into my neck kissing me aggressively making me tingle in all the right places.

  
We claimed towards the back, taking off our clothes and skinny dipping in the pool the salt water lapping at us gently as we swam around splashing each other and laughing at first and then before I knew it his tongue was in my mouth his hand touching me in so many places making my insides feel warm and fuzzy causing me to gasps as he jacked me off into the water covering his hand as I climaxed which made him laugh and kiss me harder. After he was done he did let me go down him leaning back against the rocks running a hand through my hair as I made him feel good and he gasped as I made him climax his salty sweetness hitting my tongue as it flooded my mouth. Causing my eyes to go wide.

  
It was a weird taste but not bad. It wasn’t the first time I’d had someone cum in my mouth but it was the first time they hadn’t forced it past my throat and straight into my stomach. I thought about it for a second tasting it before I swallowed and honestly it wasn’t the worst thing I’d ever tasted and wasn’t nearly as salty as I thought it would be.

  
“Did you swallow?” He asked me after a minute when he had caught his breath.

  
“I wanted to know what it tasted like,” I said shrugging my shoulders, “You don’t taste bad at all.”

  
“God I love you,” He said cupping my cheek with his hand, “What am I going to do when you’re gone?”

  
“Live,” I answered him, “Keep going wait for my emails and maybe one day you can come find me? If you don’t forget me.”

  
“I could never forget you. My first and probably only boyfriend please, I’d have to like lose everything about me to forget you Rabbit. How sweet you are your eyes, your hair. No one could forget that hair,” He said rubbing his hand through it.

  
“Do you think you’d come find me? After you were old enough?” I asked him.

  
“You mean like come get you and then run off together when we’re old enough to sign our gag agreements, I’d like to think so. Do you really think your mom thinks we’re gross?” He asked me suddenly.

  
“I don’t know. I’m not sure she gets it. What it means to have someone that understands it. I hope she doesn’t really think that we’re gross. Because if she thinks we’re gross she thinks Will’s gross and that would kill him.” I answered.

  
“You really think she said that and meant it in that way? Maybe she’ll learn to accept it, figure out it’s not something that’s really chosen but it just happens. I didn’t choose to fall in love with you. I chose to be your friend hell I didn’t even choose to have sex with you that first time remember?” Pat muttered into my shoulder.

  
“Yeah I remember,” I answered, “Wasn’t I like passed out.”

  
“Yes,” He answered, “And it made me so angry that they would do that to you, make me do that to you. I never would have...”

  
I cut him off, “I know you wouldn’t have. You’re not that type of person. You know I don’t blame you for that right?”

  
“I know, it still. I don’t know,” He said and I leaned into his shoulder and felt his breath against my ear.

  
“Don’t worry about it babe, really it’s done and over with you remember the first time I had sex with you? We didn’t want to do that either,” I said.

  
“No not really not with a camera anyway,” He said, “You were good at that by the way.”

  
“Well, thank you it was my first time,” I replied.

  
“Yep you told me that,” Pat said smiling, “You were really good.” He said and I could tell he was really thinking about it.

  
“Really?” I asked wrinkling my nose as he started tickling me.

  
“Yes!” Pat insisted, “I wouldn’t mind giving it another go sometime without the cameras maybe.”

  
He shoved his tongue in my mouth pinning me lightly against the rocks as we made out his hands on my hips as he grinded against me arousing me. Warm sparks under my skin as he started kissing down my neck into my shoulder and collar bone starting to kiss lower and lower something inside me starting to feel jumpy.

  
“Woah,” I said as he got my waist line right above my belly button and he stopped coming back up to be level with my face.

  
“You ok?” He asked me worriedly.

  
“Yeah, I just…” I said.

  
“You know how I feel about it nothing you’re not ok with,” He said and I nodded my head.

  
“I’m sorry,” I said feeling guilty that I had stopped him that I couldn’t let him go down on me.

  
“Rabbit don’t ever be sorry for letting me know what’s ok and what’s not, I’m sorry I scared you ok? You’re safe right now you’re ok,” He said hugging me tightly, “I swear to you I will never hurt you if I can help it. Never.”

  
“Thanks, I don’t mean I’m sorry for telling you I mean I’m sorry that for whatever reason I can’t let you do that, go down on me I mean. It’s not like I don’t want you to because I kind of do but just every time you get close this weird, it feels like I can’t breathe and then I get scared I’m going to freak out and just I don’t know,” I said.

  
“Well, you’re probably suffering from anxiety and PTSD and all of these other problems so maybe the moment you can’t see my face you start to just get anxiety because it reminds you of different things do you think that could be it?” He suggested.  
“Maybe,” I said after thinking about it for a minute.

  
“You know what helped me the first time Delia decided to try it?” He asked me.

  
“What?” I asked curious.

  
“Well she had me put my hand on her head and feel her hair, touch her look down at her make sure I knew it was her that I was aware it was her and it actually helped me a lot,” He said.

  
“Really it worked?” I asked.

  
“Yeah, it worked after that it wasn’t really a problem anymore,” He told me, “We could try that when you’re ready.”

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head as he cuddled me, “I love you.” He said again randomly.

  
“I love you too,” I said kissing him and then laying against his chest.

  
We were both still naked but we were alone in a cave where it was still fairly warm despite the cold ocean air blowing in around us. I did I really loved him loved hearing his heart beat under my head loved listening to him breathe as I hugged him and I loved thinking about the things that we might one day do together while I felt his hands touching my back and rubbing my body up and down.

  
“Hey,” He said after a minute, “Do you want to,” Pat blushed slightly which threw me off a little.

  
“What?” I asked confused.

  
“I’m trying to, oh I’ll just say it you want to have sex?” He asked me finally.

  
“I’m not sure,” I answered, “I’m kind of enjoying this the way we are.”

  
“Ok, I can keep doing this I just thought I’d offer in case you wanted to,” He said lifting my head in his hands watching me closely.

  
“I’m good thanks babe,” I said and leaned in and kissed him softly before laying my head back on his chest.

  
After 20 minutes or so Pat checked his watch and the time was around noon. We were hungry so we got dressed and headed back outside. When we got outside the people sitting on the beach hooted at us out of encouragement and I felt my face flush bright red as I hid under Pat’s arm. I didn’t want to broadcast that we had been intimate even though there was no way to avoid broadcasting it.

  
“Want to go to lunch? We can go to like subway,” Hunter said ignoring the fact that everyone else was grinning at us like they knew what we were doing.

  
“Yeah,” almost everyone agreed and we got up and go in the cars and drove to the nearest subway. When we stopped there we saw a cruiser and Pat put his arm across my shoulder when I got up to get out of the car.

  
“Guys wait,” Pat said, “That’s my dad’s cruiser.”

  
“How do you know?” Hunter asked Pat turning back to him and frowning.

  
“The number on the side,” Cole pointed out, “its Hank’s all right.”

  
“Should we warn the others I mean Dom’s in the other car,” Hunter said and Kristoff got up and waved at the others to stop as they were starting to get out of the car and he walked over to them.

  
“What is he doing?” Hunter asked.

  
“Stopping them, Dom’s in the car they can’t go in there not only because we’re all supposed to be at school but because it’s Hank,” Cole said.

  
“Why does Hank have a thing for them anyway?” Hunter asked.

  
“Don’t know I’ve never asked I don’t care to know but he shouldn’t be anywhere near either of them if we can help it,” Pat said as I noticed a black SUV pull up with all the windows tinted and I just knew it was him.

  
“Can we go?” I said barely above a whisper so quietly I don’t think anyone heard it.

  
“Just give Kristoff a second he’ll be right back and then we’ll go find somewhere else to eat,” Hunter said as I noticed the SUV’s door opening and he got out heart my heart stopping.

  
“John, you’re shaking,” Cole said looking over at me “what’s wrong...” He said his eyes trailing in the same direction as mine and I noticed him grab Pat’s sleeve and yank on it from the corner of my eye.

  
Pat grabbed my hand and squeeze, “he hasn’t seen us we’re ok.”

  
“No,” I said starting to freak out.

  
“Hunter can you do us a huge favor and get us out of here now before he flips, because trust me this isn’t good,” Pat said.

  
“What, what’s not, OH fuck,” Hunter said muttering something under his breath, “Yeah I’m going to go pull up to them tell Kristoff to get in their car and we’re getting the hell out of here.”

  
Hunter did just that rolling down the window as we drove past them stopping for just a second, “Yo that’s Leo’s SUV we have to get out of here Kristoff go with them yeah?” He said and Kristoff waved us off as he got into Christians car.

  
“You ok?” Pat asked me as we started to pull out of the parking lot and I nodded my head numbly. I didn’t know what I felt only that I was scared that he was going to hurt me that if he could he would rip me out of the car away from them and I would never see any of them again.

  
Pat grabbed my left hand while Cole held onto my right and they both squeezed as we drove away me closing my eyes trying to keep breathing. I didn’t know what else to do but to hold onto their hands as we got to the next light I started to finally calm down opening my eyes again Pat rubbing my leg and Cole still squeezing my hand.

  
“You ok now rabbit?” He asked me. I couldn’t reply though.

  
I didn’t feel real something wasn’t right and I knew it wasn’t right. I felt scared my skin crawling like bugs running up and down my spine and throughout my body. Leo was going to be there at the party. I knew he was going to be there for sure now and I couldn’t do it I couldn’t deal with all three of them and I knew I couldn’t.

  
“Rabbit, come on babe,” Pat said cupping my cheek in his hand and turning my head softly to look at him “you’re ok, I know what you’re thinking and remember Vic is going to give you something so you don’t have to remember any of it. You’re going to be fine ok? Trust me I’m still going to be here we’re going to be fine.” He said bring me forward into his chest and hugging me tightly.

  
“What did Le…?” Pat must have given Cole a look or something because he stopped, “What happened?” he finished.

  
“Haven’t they ever just scared you so bad you weren’t really sure any more like you felt detached?” Pat said, “That’s what he did to him and he’s having a hard time getting past it.”

  
“Oh no I’m sorry John,” Cole said touching my shoulder gently making me squeeze Pat hard around the middle and he made an oof sound, “Didn’t mean to scare you sorry,” He said and I felt him shift back a little giving me as much space as he could. As I heard the turn signal click on.

  
“You guys ok back there?” Hunter asked from the driver’s seat.

  
“Yeah, he just needs a little bit of time is all,” Pat addressed Hunter, “You’re ok I’m right here all right?” he whispered in my ear cuddling me the best he could. We pulled over into the parking lot of a small Coney and I still felt like I couldn’t breathe but both Cole and Hunter got out of the car as everyone else pulled into the spot next to us.

  
“Why?” I whimpered not even sure what I was trying to say.

  
“I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere ok? Just let it out,” Pat said and with that I finally started sobbing as he kissed my hair and forehead and held me. I felt so utterly broken and scared really scared that they were going to come and drag me away and that would be the end of it. He held me as I buried my face in his vest until I had cried it all out.

  
“Sorry,” I said.

  
“Nothing to be sorry about we’ve all been there,” He said, “You feel a little better now?”

  
I nodded my head, “Yeah is it wrong I’m scared?”

  
“No, it makes sense. I mean it’s your first party and you just dealt with some pretty big stuff Tuesday and Wednesday you’re probably over tired you’re trying to get off of alcohol you have a lot of stuff going on right now ok? It makes perfect sense that you’re not feeling quiet right and there is nothing wrong with that,” Pat answered me, “You haven’t had anything to drink today have you?”

  
“No, I actually have a huge headache too,” I answered.

  
“Well, maybe we should get some food and then get you home?” He said looking at me, “Get some food in your system ok?”

  
“Yeah,” I answered, “That sounds ok.”

  
“Good let’s get some food then all right?” He said and kissed me on the lips before opening the car door holding out his hand in order to help me out.

  
We walked to the Coney and opened the front door walking up to the table where everyone else was sitting. It looked like each one had ordered the greasiest deep fried thing they could think of and just thinking about it made me smile. I mean I knew we weren’t going to be eating for the next two or three days or so but I still found in amusing that they would chose such heavy stuff to eat.

  
“Really guys?” Pat asked sitting down as Kris handed him a menu and I sat down next to him.

  
“What?” Cole asked and then sighed, “Look it’s going to all get cleaned out anyway so why not?”

  
“Cleaned out?” I asked confused.

  
“Enemas,” Kris said.

  
“Wait you mean like where they squirt that stuff inside of you to make you shit?” I asked.

  
“Bingo, give the boy a prize,” Hunter said laughing.

  
“That’s really gross, you mean they’re going to like…” Pat clapped his hand over my mouth and nodded his head to tell me I was right.

  
“Please drop it and just find something to eat,” He said smiling before he kissed the back on his hand over my mouth.

  
“Aww, that was cute,” Hunter said smiling at Pat.

  
“What?” Pat asked as the waitress came over.

  
“So did you two decide what you want to eat?” She asked without looking up.

  
“Yeah burger, cheese, onions, pickles, whole works with chilly cheese fries and a chocolate milk shake,” Pat answered smiling.

  
“Club sandwich, fries and vanilla shake,” I answered.

  
“Ok that will be out shortly do you want some cokes while you wait?” She asked us.

  
“Yes please,” I answered and Pat nodded his head.

  
Hunter waited until the waitress was gone, “That kiss it was cute,” Hunter answered.

  
“He does that sometimes,” I replied shrugging my shoulders.

  
“Well, it’s cute,” Hunter said, “Ok you two the plan is to keep you away from each other so no one ends up dead you realize that right?”

  
“Yeah,” Pat said squeezing my hand under the table, “We’re aware he’s also going to be getting something to help with well, not remembering because he’s never done this before.”

  
We all paused as the waitress brought us our food and filled our drinks smiling at her once she was gone everyone started talking and whispering again, “You mean like Palmer is going to give him something?” Kris asked.

  
“Yeah he said roofie,” I answered.

  
“Oh shit that’s good stuff you’ll be golden you won’t remember a thing as long as he can keep dose spaced correctly,” Kris said, “ If you doesn’t get the dose right just remember to try and breath because well, it’s your first real party right?”

  
“Yeah,” I nodded my head.

  
Great, awesome. So I might remember some of this was my thought. I didn’t want to remember any of it. The thought of remembering it scared me to death. If it was going to feel anything like what Leo had done to me I was beyond terrified all of the sudden I wasn’t hungry anymore. After that I kind of tuned out trying to keep myself from thinking about it. Instead I ended up thinking about how badly I could use a drink. Dom must have noticed because he tapped me on the shoulder causally after a couple of minutes.

  
“I need to go to the bathroom you want to come?” He asked me and I nodded my head.

  
“You guys want me to come to or…” Pat asked.

  
“Just us if that’s ok with you?” Dom said looking at Pat.

  
“Yeah, go talk its fine,” He said nodding his head and I got up and left the group going into the bathroom with Dom.

  
Once we were inside he shut the door and we stared at each other for a couple of minutes before he said anything.

  
“You want me to tell you what it might be like?” He asked me.

  
“What do you mean?” I asked.

  
“Just like you remember your branding? It will be a little bit like that only they usually try to keep it to two on one or less so that part will be easier less chance of hurting someone physically that way,” He answered, “Hank will probably be there but I doubt he’ll be rough because they won’t assign you to a back room so he can’t be.”

  
“I’m not sure if that’s worse or better,” I said, “Is it wrong that I would rather kill myself then do this?”

  
“No, it’s not wrong to feel that way at all but think of it this way, you do this get it over with and then you’ll be out. You’ll be gone and probably living in a new place far away from this,” He said to me, “I’ve been doing this since I was six or so. It gets easier to block it out after a while but the first party is always hard. Everyone uses condoms if they aren’t clean they can’t come bottoms don’t touch each other. Don’t eat the food. When you get there they will clean you out meaning enema’s and they’ll make sure you’re shaved they can’t touch you sexually while they do that either even though sometimes they do they’re not supposed to in-between on breaks try to sleep if you don’t you’ll be beyond tired because you’re going to have a bit of trouble sleeping after you get home.”

  
“My Da’s going to be there,” I said.

  
“Really?” He asked frowning.

  
“Yeah, is he allowed to…?” I started to ask.

  
“He can be first but otherwise no, it’s more for everyone else to get a chance with you then your handler that’s how they figure out who they like though. I can tell you one person you can probably expect besides Hank. My pop,” He said.

  
“What’s he like?” I asked.

  
“Very much like your dad,” Dom said starting to fidget, “He gets off on making the person he’s with well respond. That’s why I hate sex because he’s very much into seeing how many time he can make you orgasm. So that’s why I tend to just not … I mean some guys are not too bad but I prefer girls for the most part anyway but even with girls I have a hard time getting into it.”

  
“Sometimes I think Pat gets upset with me and he doesn’t want to tell me,” I said, “Because I can’t let him…you know.”

  
“If he really loves you and I think he does that’s not a big thing to him. He wants you to feel comfortable and enjoy yourself when you’re with him so he wouldn’t force you to do any of that stuff if you showed even a hint of not being into it,” Dom said, “Has he made you…”

  
“Oh no! Never!” I assured Dom, “I just feel guilty that I can’t.”

  
“You shouldn’t, because trust me it doesn’t matter to him what matters is that you enjoy what’s happening when you’re together that’s his main thing and I mean that in a good way not like with them.” Dom said.

  
“You really think so?” I asked.

  
“I know so,” Dom said, “Look don’t take this as weird or anything but you’re personality is good and you aren’t bad looking so you understand what I’m saying right?” He asked a light blush going across the bridge of his nose.

  
“Thanks,” I said nodding my head, “Is it weird that I don’t like hearing that? That I’m attractive.”

  
“No, they’ve turned it into a bad thing I get that. My Pop constantly tells me I’m attractive and that I look nice and it freaks me out so I get what you’re saying how it makes you feel. I’m just letting you know that you’re personality is appealing to me,” Dom said.

  
“Are you really mostly straight?” I asked him.

  
“I’m not totally sure, I mean I’ve done stuff with guys before but never because I wanted to if I was going to fool around with a guy though you would be a good one to do it with,” He said coyly.

  
I nodded my head, “So when I get there they’re going to make sure I’m shaved and my colon is clean?” I asked.

  
“Yeah it cuts back on the residue on the condom some of them it grosses them out I guess. Which I don’t understand because I mean if you’re ass fucking someone you should be willing to deal with that,” Dom said matter of fact.

  
“Their making you go right after school when you get home today aren’t they?” I asked him.

  
“Yeah,” He nodded his head, “Can I tell you something? You promise not to tell anyone?”

  
“Yeah I never tell anyone what we talk about,” I said.

  
“I’m pretty sure they’re putting me the back room. I might not be at school next week. They’re going to hurt me bad probably. I’m so tired of dealing with him, Hank I mean his toys the way he…fuck,” Dom said turning away from me as he started to cry.  
“Dom, you’ll get through this,” I said knowing his panic all too well knowing that it was the same feeling that kept eating away at my insides.

  
“My mom thinks I’m gay,” I said, “She told me she thought it was gross Pat and I and I don’t know what to do. Like I don’t even know if it’s worth it to try and get out when she wants to leave. I mean for all I know she’s going to send me somewhere to have it tortured out of me. My feelings for him, I mean.”

  
“I don’t think she’d do that,” Dom said, “She just doesn’t get it what it’s like.”

  
“No she thinks she does just because she has sex with my Da too she thinks she knows what it’s like the way he makes me feel but he makes me feel like it’s me. Like I want it I ask for it when I don’t ever remember doing anything to ask for it. With L-L-Leo I thought he was going to kill me he was relentless every time I thought he was done the other day he did it again and again until I literally felt like I was going to die and everything was just wrong. I was wrong.” I said.

  
“We’re not wrong John, You’re not wrong they are they are the ones doing this not us it’s not a choice we’re making they are making it for us,” Dom told me.

  
“That’s easy for you to say,” I said shaking my head running my fingers through my hair, “They don’t look at you and say you can do this for me or you can send one of your brothers in and they’ll do it instead. It’s always a choice for me always. I don’t want them to hurt my brothers Dom, no matter what I don’t want them to hurt my kids.”

  
Dom sighed looking at me, “It’s not a choice they are giving you. Think about it they are saying you can either let us hurt you or we’ll go hurt them instead that’s not a choice that’s the illusion of a choice. That’s not a choice at all who would say yeah ok go hurt one of them instead? No one. And they know that that’s why they throw that out there because they know you aren’t going to go ok well go rape one of them instead they know you aren’t that type of person. Just like Pat’s not that type of person when it comes to you or when it came to his little brother they know you’re going to lay down and say yeah ok do whatever it is you want as long as you leave them out of it. Don’t let them fool you John they aren’t giving you any choice.”

  
Just then someone knocked on the door but didn’t wait to enter and they just came bursting in, it was Pat breathing heavy looking at both of us, “Guys major problem.” He said.

  
“What?” Dom sighed.

  
“My dad,” Pat said, “he just walked through the door. Kris is distracting him but I need to try and get you two out of here before he sees you. I’m sure all it would take is a phone call and he could take you both to the Villa right now.”

  
“Is there a back door out of here?” Dom asked his eyes going wide. I could see the wheels in his head spinning the panic starting to rise.

  
He feared Hank as much if not more than I did. I knew why too. I wrapped my hand around one of my wrists touching one of the bruises that was still there from Tuesday, from Leo. I would do it if I had to so Dom could get out but I didn’t want to. Go with Hank so Dom could escape. I mean what more could he do to me? He’d raped me yesterday and he’d done it without a condom I had spent what felt like forever washing him out of me, washing his spit off my skin. At least he hadn’t been super rough and he probably wouldn’t be especially in a public space.

  
“Not really,” Pat answered, “I’m hoping that someone will radio him out but he’s out there talking to everyone.

  
“You think he’d really just take us and that that would be ok?” I asked.

  
“Yeah,” Pat nodded his head, “Listen Rabbit I can’t let him do that ok? I can’t deal with that and it’s not even me that he’s really dangerous to it’s you two that he’s really dangerous to. I’m kind of hoping he’ll just leave but I have a feeling he knows at least one of you is here and I don’t think he’ll leave unless you’re with him. I don’t have any drugs I can give you if he takes either of you you’re not going to be going home until Sunday after mass and fuck!” Pat hissed looking at us both, “You guys what the fuck do we do?”

  
“What do you mean we?” Dom asked, “You just said so yourself he’s dangerous to John and I not you.”

  
“You’re my friend and John is… John’s important to me,” Pat said.

  
“Just say it Pat, he’s your boyfriend,” Dom said.

  
“Fine he’s my boyfriend ok? Is it wrong I don’t want him to hurt either of you? It that so wrong that I care about both of you?” Pat asked.

  
“No,” Dom said shaking his head and pulled something out of his pocket, “I have some K.” He said holding up a little vail of something, “I can swallow it it might take a couple more minutes than it usually does when you shoot but I can take it and I won’t care what he does to me after that.”

  
“K can cause heart failure no way in hell Dom,” Pat said shaking his head trying to reach for the vial.

  
“Yeah but then I won’t care what’s happening because I don’t have to feel it,” Dom said.

  
“What do you mean?” I asked confused.

  
“You know how you go off in your head sometimes when it’s happening?” Dom asked me, “this,” he said shaking the vial, “ makes going away, not feeling it easier that way you don’t have to deal with remembering it because you don’t really feel it, it makes it sort of like watching a bad movie of some kind.”

  
“Dom come on please,” Pat begged.

  
“I can give it to John,” Dom said, “Just in case. I can handle this better than he can and all three of us know it. So let me give it to him if you’re not going to let me take it.”

  
Just then my heart stopped as Leo walked into the bathroom. My eyes must have gone wide because Pat grabbed my hand and Dom shoved both of us behind him.

  
“What’s going on here guys?” Leo asked looking at the three of us.

  
“Nothing,” Dom said causally.

  
“What you think I didn’t just notice that?” Leo asked folding his arms in front of him, “You three together or something?”

  
“No we’re friends,” Dom said staring at Leo coldly, “Let us leave and everything will be fine.”

  
“You two can go,” He said looking at Pat and Dom, “I have something to talk about with Johnny here though.”

  
“No you don’t,” Pat almost shouted, “I’m not going anywhere without him.”

  
I couldn’t speak I could barely breathe already feeling his hands on my skin knowing what he was going to do the moment he got me alone that he was going to do things to me that I didn’t want him to do. I could already feel his hands sliding down my hips and onto my crotch even though there were two people in-between us. I squeezed Pat’s hand hard and I felt him squeeze me back lightly as if to say “I’ve got you”.

  
“You his boyfriend? You know what they do to boyfriends?” He asked Pat.

  
“We’re just friends,” Pat said, “I’m not going anywhere without him.”

  
“You want to bet? Your Dad is right outside I’m not stupid I know exactly who you are,” Leo answered, “If I have to call your dad in here he will beat your ass and we all know it so why don’t you and your other friend get out of here and let Johnny and I talk?”

  
“No,” Pat insisted again, “He’s coming with us you’re not supposed to touch him before Friday anyway.”

  
“Oh I have permission from his Uncle to do whatever I please with him don’t doubt that not that I would in a restaurant bathroom, it’s a bit too dirty for my taste I prefer somewhere else.” He said.

  
I closed my eyes trying not to remember the inside of his SUV the blanket underneath us as he pushed and pressed into me. All of the sudden I was there his hands on my hips scratching at my skin as the air got stuck in my lungs and I knew I was shaking trying to stay grounded holding onto Pat’s hand.

  
“You really want to do this you guys?” He asked his voice barely above a whisper, “He’s mine.”

  
“Do what?” Dom asked, “He’s a person and he doesn’t want to be with you. Can’t you see that in his face?”

  
“He wants it don’t you Johnny?” He asked his demon smile flashing making my mouth go dry. There wasn’t any way out of this and I didn’t want Pat to see it.

  
“Just go guys,” I managed to choke out.

  
“No!” Pat said, “NO!” he yelled at Leo, “just no.” He said shaking his head squeezing my hand back almost as tight as I was squeezing his.

  
“You heard him,” Leo said, “He wants you to leave.”

  
“No he doesn’t,” Dom said, “You’re going to let us walk out of here with him and you’re not going to touch him until Friday when he has no choice.”

  
“He doesn’t have a choice now and he knows it don’t you Johnny?” He said looking at me coming closer as Dom got more directly in front of him standing between us blocking him, “I have no problem hurting you kid.” He said looking at Dom.

  
“You do that and you’re in trouble and you know it,” Dom answered, “You really want to deal with what that will get you?”

  
“You think I give a fuck? I want him look at me. You think you can take me on? You know how much I work out kid? Who the fuck are you anyway?” He asked.

  
“Dom,” Dom answered.

  
“Tanner’s boy?” He asked and Dom rolled his shoulders.

  
Leo smiled, “I don’t think your Daddy would have problem with it usually he ties you up anyway doesn’t he? Bet the long sleeves help hide that.”

  
Dom shook his head but didn’t say anything.

  
“Yeah I know all about your Dad. He says you’re a good fuck he’s told me he can suck you dry is that true?” He asked Dom and Dom’s head turned downward, “Yeah? I haven’t gotten him to go dry yet but I’ve heard dry orgasms are pretty strong is it true?”  
“Shut up,” Dom whispered.

  
“What? Don’t like everyone knowing that your Daddy fucks you so hard you beg him to stop because it feels that good?” Leo taunted, “Should I see what you’re made of as well? See if I can make you cum as hard as he does? I wonder what he would say if he knew I made his boys eyes roll back into your head so hard you saw stars as you came. Should we find out?”

  
“Stop,” Pat said his other hand balling into a fist.

  
“Yeah I’ve heard about you too, you’re a scrapper. I don’t mind a good fight but I bet I can hit harder.” Leo said, “You want to protect him well guess what? You have no chance he’s mine I want him. You know the type of sounds he makes how good he is? How good he tastes?”

  
“Stop it,” Pat said again through clenched teeth.

  
“Does your Dad know?” He asked Pat smiling.

  
“Know what?” Pat hissed.

  
“That his little boy has a thing for cock?” Leo asked, “You want to find out what they do to boys who fuck around with other people’s property?”

  
“He’s not property,” Pat spat the last word spittle flying from his mouth with rage, “He’s a person.”

  
“Not until he signs that contract when he’s 25 he’s not. His body belongs to whoever his dad loans it to same goes for the two of you as well, you all want to end up in some serious shit don’t you?” He asked them, “If not I suggest you leave and you leave him here.”

  
I felt like I couldn’t stand. I didn’t want to hear anymore. I didn’t want to feel like this anymore I wanted it all to stop to just fade away and I didn’t think any drink in the world would be strong enough for that.

  
I knew he was doing this to them because of me. Because he wanted me. He didn’t care about them he was just doing it because he wanted them upset he wanted to hurt them so he could hurt me.

  
“Guys,” I said braver this time, “Just go I’ll be fine.”

  
“John, you’re shaking I can feel you fucking shaking you expect us to leave you with him?” Pat said his eyes wide in horror and disbelief, “I can’t do that.”

  
“You have to,” I said, “I’ll be fine just go.”

  
Dom looked at me and I nodded. A silent understanding passed between us. I didn’t want Pat to have to see this or hear anymore of Leo’s remarks. I knew Leo was going to say something else soon something that would really be a low blow. He was going to taunt Pat by telling him about the things he did to me and I couldn’t deal with Pat knowing that. Knowing that I could, that some guy could suck me off and he couldn’t.

  
“Come on Pat,” Dom said moving forward to walk away.

  
“No,” Pat said shaking his head, “I won’t let him, no Dom,” Pat insisted.

  
“Pat don’t make him do this,” Dom said referring to me.

  
“John?” Pat asked looking at me asking me what I thought. I didn’t want him to leave but I didn’t want him to stay I didn’t want to know what Leo would say next.

  
“Pat, please just go,” I said looking at him.

  
He sighed raking his free hand angrily through his hair, “ok, fine.” Pat said dropping my hand, “You win asshole you happy?” Pat spat at Leo as both him and Dom walked slowly past leaving Leo and me standing the bathroom alone.

  
“You care about them a lot don’t you?” He asked me smiling.

  
“Their friends,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

  
“Not the one,” Leo said, “I know that look I’m not stupid. That fierceness, that protectiveness. He’s your boyfriend isn’t he?”

  
“No,” I shook my head lying knowing what the truth would mean.

  
“Prove it,” Leo said.

  
“What do I have to do to prove it?” I asked.

  
“Kiss me,” He said licking his lips looking at me.

  
Just thinking about it made the bile rise in my throat I didn’t want to kiss him I didn’t want him anywhere near me but I knew what it would mean if I didn’t. It would mean the end of me or Pat and I couldn’t stand the thought of a world without him so I nodded my head as Leo came close to me his arms going around my waist causing me to tense as his face got only inches from mine. I closed my eyes as I felt the air from his breathing tickle my face and I parted my lips allowing his tongue to enter my mouth one of his hands going down the back of my pants cupping my ass sending that cold flame through my body. He kissed me hard sending us back again the wall to keep us standing his hands moving up and down the small of my back as I tried to use the wall to support our weight. After a minute he broke the kiss both of us breathless me feeling numb and sick to my stomach.

  
“Ok, maybe I believe you,” He said smiling, “Why don’t we go out to the car?”

  
“Are you going to make me do things?” I asked not looking him in the eyes not wanting to see the answer that I knew was there.

  
“Don’t worry you just have to lay there, I’ll be quick then we’ll head off to the Villa. Don’t worry about what will happen there either if you’re good I might sponsor you if not well, you’ll survive but you’ll have to deal with everyone telling you how good that asshole of yours feels around their cocks as they pound you.” He answered.

  
I nodded my head. Something didn’t feel right just the small movement making my stomach feel queasy. Everything felt slow the weight of my head feeling like it was going to send the earth tilting towards me as I fell over.

  
“Woah careful now,” Leo said grabbing my elbow hard, “You almost fell maybe I should get you someplace you can lay down?”

  
I nodded my head. I didn’t what else to do I couldn’t say no. To say no was risking everything at that point risking him talking to others about what he thought was going on between Pat and me. Of course it was all true and I was pretty sure he knew it was true but I knew if I went with him that he wouldn’t tell anyone anything as long as I gave him what he wanted.

  
He held me up wrapping his arm around my waist and pulling my arm around his shoulders. When he opened the door everyone was staring at us. Dom and Pat were gone but Kristoff and Hunter and Cole were still there. The stared at us for a second and then Kristoff cleared his throat.

  
“You ok John?” He asked looking at me and Leo.

  
“Yeah he’s fine just needs some air,” Leo said his voice almost happy.

  
“I’m going to go with you,” Kristoff said standing up.

  
“No we’re fine I have him,” Leo said.

  
I glanced around the restaurant people were staring. The waitress was watching us closely. My face felt hot. I didn’t want everyone watching me staring at me like I was some kind of freak. Just some dirty whore. I felt like I couldn’t breathe like everyone was judging me like everyone knew what was going to happen and no one but Kristoff was daring to say or do anything about it.

  
“I don’t think he is,” Kristoff said.

  
Leo leaned in close so only I could hear him, “Want me to let everyone know about your boyfriend?” he hissed.

  
“I’m fine really I just need to lay down that’s all, he’s going to take me home,” I lied.

  
Kristoff came over to us, “Don’t do this to him Leo,” He said, “Come on he’s just a kid. Let him go whatever you want you can get from me.”

  
“You’re a little out of my range thanks for the offer though Kris. I mean I know we’ve had some good times in the past but, I’ve moved on,” He said pulling me closer to his body as he started to walk away.

  
God I wanted to be dead, wanted to be anywhere else doing anything else because I knew what was going to happen just looking at that SUV made me feel like my heart was stopping. I didn’t want his hands on me anymore and I tried to push away.  
“No, No, No baby,” He said holding me tighter, “We’re going to have some fun, you sent them away because you didn’t want to them to see right? Because you know how this ends with you and me in that car me making your eyes roll as I taste your sweetness in my mouth don’t fight it fighting it won’t make a difference other than to make me angry.”

  
He opened the back door signaling he wanted me to climb into that truck again. I felt dizzy and light headed and I knew he was right. I couldn’t say no. I numbly climbed up into the folded down back seat and he followed in after me making me scoot over so there was room for him next to me. He shut the door behind me and sighed looking at me where I pushed myself against the opposite door as tightly as I could eying me in this way I can’t explain making my insides feel like they were trembling.  
“Come on baby don’t be like that,” He said reaching out his hand and touching my cheek.

  
I would have recoiled if there had been any room to. The feel of his hands on my skin already having been there for a while. I knew all I had to do was close my eyes and I could feel him doing the things he wanted to do to me before he even touched me.  
“Maybe if you’re good I won’t take you to the Villa right away and we’ll drive around for a while before I take you to see Daddy huh?” He said smiling at me as he pulled on my arm lightly forcing me closer to him so that he didn’t hurt me. I sighed trying not to cry because I knew he wanted me to. I had this feeling he wanted me to beg him to stop and knowing that just made me that much more scared and upset. Knowing that he was happy he was making me upset making me hate myself and the fact that I was so powerless.

  
He got me right beside him his hand undoing my fly making me jump as he slid his hand into it touching me through my underwear sending a cascade of cold ice up and down my spine. I wanted out of this I didn’t want to do this and I couldn’t imagine how I was going to be able to deal with the weekend if I couldn’t even do this without hating myself. He climbed on top of me kissing my neck as he started to undo my shirt.

  
“Wait,” I barely managed to choke out as he tried to slide his tongue past my lips again he stopped sitting back placing his weight on my knees looking at me intently.

  
“What?” He asked.

  
“Please,” I barely managed to get out because I was shaking so badly so I swallowed and tired again, “Please don’t, I don’t want to do this.”

  
He sighed as if he were losing patience with me and looked at me hard, “You say that but that’s not what your body is telling me.” He answered taking his hand out of my fly and undoing my belt making me tense my shoulders coming up to my neck. He undid my pants and slid them past my hips making me feel frozen inside as he did what he wanted and I squeezed my eyes closed balling my hands into fist. I tried to hold back, to keep my body from responding but it didn’t work, it never worked and of course I climaxed into his mouth and he sat up when he was done his Adam’s apple bobbing has he swallowed and then he looked at me and smiled.

  
“Felt good yeah?” He asked me laying on top of me and grabbing my face kissing me first on the cheek and then forcing his tongue down my throat as he pulled my pants farther down my legs so they were at my ankles his hands searching between my body and his so he could grab my penis. I shoved at him. I was done with this. I felt beyond done with this but he managed to find what he was looking for and squeezed lightly making me freeze, “I can make it hurt if you want me to,” He said breaking our kiss, “You want that? You’ll still have to go this weekend you ready to be in pain while you get fucked by 15 full gown men some with cocks bigger than mine?”

  
I stared at him wide eyed I wasn’t sure what to say. I didn’t want him touching me anymore but I knew he was right that being hurt would make it worse make it harder to deal with but just thinking of his mouth on me again made me want to scream. I swallowed.

  
“Ok,” I managed to barely whisper as he stared straight into my eyes inches from my face. He stare was so intense I had to look away I knew what he was thinking about and I knew that my body was going to give him what he wanted again no matter how he touched me because he had learned how do to it by now. I saw him smile.

  
“Good boy,” He muttered as he moved back lowering his face into my crotch again making me gasp as he licked the tip of my penis. The noises he made were horrible but he sounded like he was enjoying himself a whole fuck of a lot more than I was enjoying it.

  
When he was done I was breathless and hot, my sweat causing my clothes to stick to me but he seemed satisfied and stared at me for a couple of minutes as if contemplating whether he was truly done or not. After a minute he sighed.

  
“Guess it’s time to take you to the Villa,” He said starting to climb over the back seat, “Take you to see Daddy, he’ll be so happy to see you. Did you know Lord is giving him special permission to have some time with you tonight before the party starts?”

  
I stayed silent not really looking at him or moving afraid of what he would do if I even moved to pull up my pants. He sighed heavily.

  
“I asked you a question did you go stupid? Am I that good?” He asked me.

  
“No,” I shook my head, “I didn’t know that.”

  
“He did because you daddy misses you, I’ve heard stories you know about this video of you two together and apparently you moan so good. I haven’t seen it for myself but wouldn’t mind watching it. Why don’t you moan like that for me?” He asked looking at me in the review mirror.

  
I felt my face flushing in shame. What was I supposed to tell him that I had been drunk that my Da had done something to me he had never done before and it had caught me off guard? That I barely remember it happening at all and the sound was a mistake? I looked away out the window at the trees and houses as we drove past. I knew it was going to be a while before we stopped but I was hoping that would mean I would probably be ok at least until we got to the Villa and he delivered me to my Da who I knew would do everything and anything he wanted and I wasn’t allowed to even whimper at unless I wanted to get smacked in the face or worse.

  
“I asked you a question,” He said.

  
“I don’t know,” I answered.

  
“Don’t lie to me, I know you know why. Am I not hitting the right buttons should we try again before we get you to your Dad safe and sound?” He asked making my eyes go wide which caused him to smile at me in the rear view mirror.

  
“I was drunk, that time,” I answered honestly.

  
“So we have to ply you with Alcohol to get you to make some yummy sounds for me huh?” He asked smiling, “I’ll have to remember that, you remember what he did to make you do that?”

  
I sighed looking at my knees I didn’t want to talk about this. What the fuck was wrong with this pervert? He couldn’t just do what he wanted to me and leave it at that he had to know what my Da did to me too? Had to figure out how to make me moan or some shit so he could get off even more? I felt like I was going to be sick.

  
“Well are you going to tell me or should I pull over and find out?” He asked me.

  
“Oral,” I answered simply.

  
“Really?” He asked his eyes widening in the mirror, “Because I’ve heard I’m good at Oral and I’ve never gotten a sound out of you. I mean you certainly do deliver but I would pay a shit ton of money for a boy that responded like he wanted it especially if you did that.” He said licking his lips making me squirm, “I talk to Hank you know? He says you have the best O face when you cum while he’s inside you. He says he wants to see the type of face you make when someone sucks you off I told him he could watch.”

  
A cold chill went down my spine and I tried not to shiver but failed. He laughed at me watching my shoulders shake momentarily.

  
“You know I haven’t had a real conversation with you? Aren’t much of a talker are you?” He asked. I shrugged my shoulders in response. Why didn’t he understand I didn’t feel like talking? I avoided talking to all of them at any cost, “Speak boy, I’m telling you to talk to me.” He said.

  
“About what?” I asked.

  
“You’re a shy one aren’t you?” He said turning on his blinker.

  
I looked to the left the blinker he turned on it was parking lot. I felt myself starting to hyperventilate not again. I thought not again please not again. He pulled into the space near the back. It was some sort of office space. He put the SUV in park.  
“Don’t,” I said shaking my head as he undid his seat belt. He sighed and turned to look at me.

  
“We can talk on our way there or I work on getting you to make those delicious sounds for me you understand?” He asked me.

  
“I’ll talk then, I’m sorry I’m not good at this,” I said to him.

  
“At what talking? Because you’re a great fuck,” He said smiling.

  
“What do you want to talk about?” I asked looking at him.

  
He redid his seat belt, “Anything you have siblings right?” He asked me.

  
“Yes,” I answered nodding my head.

  
“How many?” He asked me.

  
“10,” I answered.

  
“How many are brothers and how many are sisters?” He asked putting the car into gear and starting to drive again making me feel a little relieved.

  
“Three sisters, Seven brothers,” I answered.

  
“You speak in more than four word sentences or are you half-mute? How old are they? Who is your favorite sibling? Just talk about them before I pull over again because I won’t give you the option next time it’s my pick,” He warned me.

  
“I speak in more than four word sentences yes, Will is 11, Mike and Matt are 9 James is almost seven, Catherine is 5, Laura and Andrew are 3 Malachy is one and Mary and Seamus are four months old,” I answered him, “I don’t think I have a favorite, I take care of them have been since I can remember when there was just Will and I huh, I don’t know what else to tell you but I know Will the best probably James likes the piano he’s good at it, Catherine likes her Barbie’s and playing tea party average five year old girl and the rest are toddlers, Matt there is something wrong with him he’s kind of violent and I don’t know that’s pretty much it,” I answered.

  
“You and the second oldest are close?” He asked me.

  
“Yes, I’d say we’re close we take care of the others, help mum that sort of thing,” I answered.

  
“How close? You’re Daddy and you two have some fun sometimes?” Leo asked me raising his eyebrows.

  
“What?” I asked confused. Had my Da told him something?

  
“Don’t act surprised usually when there is more than one kid and well, the brotherhood is all about boy love things happen, it’s ok if you’ve touched your brother no one would look down on it. It’s not a bad thing especially if your Daddy says it’s ok,” He said.

  
“I don’t think of them like that I take care of them,” I answered him.

  
“That’s a part of taking care of them you know?” He asked me.

  
“No taking care of them to me is making sure people like you keep their hands off of them,” I answered my teeth clenched.

  
“Ah, you’re one of those huh? The dog that guards the flock? How is that working out for you?” He asked me.

  
I shrugged my shoulders, “I’m here with you and they aren’t so you tell me,” I said.

  
“You’re spicy, I like it,” He said smiling, “I bet their right I bet you make the best sounds boys like you always do.”

  
“Boys like me?” I asked.

  
“Yeah the ones who fight a little bit, you might not physically fight back against me too badly, you’re too smart for that but the ones who have a biting sarcasm and that angry fire under their skin. Especially when they have something they think they can protect. I bet you have tons of it would make sense with that beautiful hair of yours,” He said.

  
“That’s a myth my hair has nothing to do with my attitude. Maybe I’m tired of people fucking me up the ass all the time and I don’t feel like making nice with them and telling them about my life,” I hissed, “Especially my brothers and sisters thanks.”

  
“How does your daddy feel about those three little girls?” He asked me looking in the rear view mirror, “What am I hitting a nerve there baby boy?”

  
I had flinched. I hadn’t meant to I wanted to try and keep myself as emotionless as possible but nothing was working the way I wanted it to I sighed, “Are you asking if he does things to them?”

  
“If that’s how you want to take it,” He said, “Usually most of us are all about the boys but there are some who go both ways your daddy one of those?”

  
“My little sister Catherine. The others are too little for him I guess which makes sense I suppose considering,” I answered.

  
“Considering what?” He asked.

  
“I was like five or so the first time he ever did anything to me,” I answered shrugging my shoulders trying to sound causal like I was talking about the weather or a TV show not about my life time of sexual molestation.

  
“Really? Want to tell me what happened?” He asked me.

  
“I don’t know,” I said closing my eyes trying to remember, “He came into my room after my mum went to bed touched me a little I think. Why?”

  
“Sounds sweet, he didn’t make love to you that time?” He asked.

  
“No, not that I remember not until I was like eight,” I answered.

  
“Really? And what was that like? I want every detail,” He said.

  
“It was my birthday he made an ice cream sundae for me I huh,” I inhaled shaky trying to remember it without freaking out, “He told me he was going to show me how two guys can fit together and then he raped me,” I answered.

  
“You really think its rape? Didn’t it feel good?” He asked me.

  
“I don’t remember but I don’t think so it hurt,” I answered

  
“Did you bleed?” He asked smiling, “A lot of people bleed their first time it’s pretty normal, I hope he made you feel good after he was done though, did he blow you? Make you feel that warm tingle in your spine as you came in his mouth?”

  
“Yes, I remember bleeding but no he didn’t,” I answered.

  
“Does he?” He asked.

  
“Does he what?”

  
“Make you feel good? Go down? You know the way I do,” He asked me.

  
I nodded my head.

  
“You remember the first time that happened?” He asked me, “A boys first blow job is special it’s usually something he never forgets because it’s the first time someone else makes him jizz.”

  
I sighed closing my eyes and pinching the bridge of my nose. I didn’t want to tell him about that how sick it had made me feel how sick I always felt about it every time I even thought about someone doing that me how much it made me hate myself the fact that I couldn’t keep my body from responding the way that they wanted me to.

  
“Tell me about it,” He said watching me listening to my silence.

  
“My Uncle did it. It was after we came back to the states. I huh he took me downstairs tied me up I thought he was just going to have anal sex with me but instead he started kissing me until he uhh yeah,” I said.

  
“Did it feel good?” He asked me, “Come on give me details.”

  
“He took me downstairs and tied me up and then he started kissing me first it was just a peck and then he forced his tongue into my mouth and then…I can’t talk about this,” I said shaking my head.

  
“No, tell me come on unless you would rather show me,” He said and I must have had a look on my face that said how I felt about that because he laughed, “Come on.”

  
“He was making out with me and he started kissing down my chest and stomach until he did it. I came and then he climbed on top of me and he had sex with me and that was it I guess.” I answered.

  
“Did it feel good?” He asked, “I bet it did I know I love feeling those muscles tighten when I slide my mouth around that beautiful cock.”

  
“Can we talk about something else please?” I asked.

  
“Why you worried I might have to do something about the major boner I have if we don’t change topics?” He asked me smiling at me through the mirror, “You know what if getting you drunk makes you whimper and make good noises I wonder what would happen if you were given G. That makes people horny I bet you would scream yourself horse with pleasure. I saw that video of you and your two friends and I’m assuming it was your Dad and some of his friends but I can’t really say of course because of the mask. They made you feel so good you passed right out. Can you tell me that story?”

  
“I don’t remember that,” I answered.

  
“No you do,” He said, “You were awake I saw it, tell me about it.”

  
“Honestly I don’t remember,” I said again.

  
“Maybe I can refresh your memory I mean we don’t have a swing here but, I don’t think that part matters too much,” He said turning on his blinker.

  
“What I do remember is them putting me in the swing and how much it hurt ok? I remember burning just like everything burning my whole body that’s all I remember about any of it ok? I swear I don’t really remember what happened you can even ask Cole and Pat I don’t remember it.” I pleaded as he pulled into a different parking lot.

  
Out of instinct I pulled on the door handle only to find the door wouldn’t open as he undid his seat belt and started climbing over the seat, “Child locks are handy aren’t they?” He asked me as he climbed over the seat and I scrambled as far away from him as I could into the hatch area of the car.

  
“Please I really don’t remember please,” I begged him as he grabbed my ankle pulling me back towards him.

  
“Relax I’m just going to remind you,” He said as he pulled me flat laying on top of me and started kissing me undoing my tie and starting to pull my vest over my head he went to go pull on my shirt and before I could stop him he ripped the buttons again and some of the ricocheted off of the car door and back at us.

  
He shoved his tongue down my throat nearly choking me as he ripped my undershirt off as well his fingers scratching at me hard as his hands grabbed, pitched and pulled at my body. I felt like couldn’t breathe I squeezed my eyes closed trying to hide the fact that I was starting to cry. I didn’t want him to do this he was hurting me and I couldn’t do anything about it I bit my lip to try and keep myself from screaming as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a condom.

  
“No, no baby I want to see those eyes,” He whispered and I could smell his breathe on my face as he grabbed my cheeks hard digging his index finger into one cheek and his thumb on the other, “Come on let me see those pretty green eyes.”

  
I opened my eyes and I knew they were probably red and blood shot, “there we go, if you relax it won’t hurt as bad I promise,” He said as he pushed my legs apart with his other hand so he could lay in between them shoving a finger into my asshole first one and then another, “At least I’m nice enough to stretch you out huh?” He muttered before shoving his tongue back into my mouth and down my throat nearly choking me as I pushed at him trying to get him off of me or at least slow him down.

  
“no no no baby, come on don’t fight it just let it happen,” He said breaking the kiss he finally slid into me and I moaned before I could stop myself and he smiled, “Yeah those noises, those are the sounds,” He whispered as he pushed in the rest of the way so he was balls deep inside of me before he slowly pulled back out, “God yes!” he muttered as he started to thrust.

  
He went slowly. I think he did it that way on purpose so he wouldn’t rip me or make me too sore so that I couldn’t be used during the weekend kissing my neck and chest as he did what he wanted to my eyes going wide every time he hit that one spot that made my insides feel like they were being tickled making my breath catch I tried to keep breathing but I couldn’t every time I stopped he moaned something at me even though my ears felt almost like they were covered by a blanket or ear muffs. I knew I was making sounds because every time I did he went deeper and slower gripping my hip tighter. Finally when I thought I couldn’t take it anymore I saw stars and my eyes rolled as I felt a major explosion from my penis as I came underneath him. He moaned loudly collapsing on top of me and laid there breathless for a few minutes.

  
“That was fucking amazing, you do make yummy sounds,” He said kissing my collar bone and down into my chest. I was still breathless my head felt heavy and I was confused. I had only orgasmed like that once or twice before with no stimulation to any other part of my sexual organs besides my prostate but he wasn’t done. I realized that when he licked down the center of my chest to my belly button making me jump. I reached my hand down to stop him but he grabbed my one wrists tight forcing my hand down to my side.

  
“Stop,” I managed to mutter barely audible, “No, stop stop STOP!” I begged as he finally got his mouth around me sucking me back to attention even though I kept trying to fight him and I was crying silently as I climaxed.

  
When he pulled away he smiled wiping his face with the back of his hand, “You are amazing!” He said again taking off the condom and making me hold it as he pulled up his pants and did them up before he climbed into the front seat, “quit crying you know you liked it I was good you came so hard. You ever come that hard for your Daddy?” He asked me and then looked back taking the used condom from me and throwing it out the window as he started the car and pulled out of the parking lot. He drove in silence for a couple of minutes and then he sighed, “So have you?” he asked.

  
“H-h-have I-I www-wwhat?” I managed to stammer still trying to catch my breath.

  
“Ever come that hard for you dad?” He asked me.

  
I didn’t mean to but I shook my head no impulsively and he smacked the steering wheel happily, “That makes me really happy thank you for that.” He said turning his eyes to me in the mirror for a second.

  
He drove the rest of the way in silence. I felt beyond dirty and disgusting what we had done, what he had made me do. My whole body shaking as we drove towards our destination, my soul dying a little bit more with each mile closer we got.


	34. 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John arrives at the Villa to find it mostly abandoned and gets some relief through pharmalogical intervention. When he gets home mum is angry for him not telling her where he had gone and accuses him of running away for the weekend with Patrick. Cole finally speaks a piece of his mind after watching his brother (Pat) and John be belittled by her one more time making Danielle see things in a different light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These are the last few pages of part one. You can either continue reading on for part two when I post later or you can choose to leave things where they are. I'll leave that up to you but know this is not the end, far from the end. Warnings: Rape/non-con, Drug use, homophobia, homophobic language, psychological abuse, emotional abuse and suffering, angst.

When we finally arrived at the Villa even though I hardly noticed we were there until the SUV stopped moving and pulled into some type of garage. When he stopped my Da came out to greet Leo as he got out of the car.

  
“I see someone started the weekend early,” He said smiling at Leo looking at Leo’s mess up hair as they shook hands, “Was he good for you?” he asked him making my insides colder than they were before if that was even possible.

  
“Oh yeah when he lets go he makes the best sounds,” Leo answered my Da, “He came so hard for me was such a good boy really.”

  
“Really?” My Da asked.

  
“Oh yeah he came while I was inside him best orgasm of my life,” Leo answered laughing, “I didn’t even have to touch him I must have hit his g-spot really good because I saw it in his face he was trying to be quiet, not to moan for me but god those moans made it that much better. Can I contract him? I mean I’ll get another test done so you can see I’m clear and everything but god I think it would be amazing to fill him up as he makes those sounds.”

  
“We’ll discuss it later,” My Da answered him, “He usually only makes those sounds for me I’m slightly jealous I think not that it’s a bad thing he enjoyed himself. I think we should get him inside get him ready.”

  
Leo opened the back door as I was grabbing my pants to pull them up.

  
“Oh baby, you don’t need your clothes you can leave them here, come here I’ve missed you so much,” He said opening his arms wide to hug me as I scooted backwards slightly my body still shaking from what Leo had done. I didn’t want to be touched. I would have rather crawled into a pit of snow and died then have anyone touch me but he climbed into the car coming to sit next to me.

  
“He wear you out a little bit?” He asked me quietly touching my cheek as I tried to not flinch when he rubbed his hand gently against my skin, “you’re all right we’ll get you inside get you cleaned up then you can rest huh?” He said looking at me, “Come on,” he climbed back out of the car holding out his hand as if to help me out of the car but I ignored his hand getting out my socks touching the cold concrete of the garage floor even though my legs felt numb. I didn’t bother to grab my clothes but tried to use my hands to cover myself but my Da grabbed my wrists gently.

  
“It’s not anything we haven’t seen before baby you don’t need to hide from us,” He cooed making me stare at my feet and bite my bottom lip.

  
I didn’t want to talk to them, I didn’t want to be touched by them I didn’t want to be anywhere near them and yet I knew there were more guys like them behind the door that lead into the villa. I knew I was stuck that I wasn’t going to be going home until after Sunday mass that I would be spending the weekend naked and cold alternating between sleeping and having someone on top of me doing things to me making me wish I were dead. I sighed heavily as Da put his arm around my shoulder and lead me into the house.

  
He lead me down a hallway that I remembered past the room where they had kept me and made me lay down with all of the other guys after my branding and into another hallway which opened into a bedroom where there was a bunch of guys standing around waiting.

  
One guy instantly came up to me lifting my arms and inspecting my body, “A little he doesn’t have too much hair he shouldn’t be too hard to fix up just a little wax and he’ll be fine, he barely has any hair under the belt that’s good makes my job easier,” He said looking at my Da nodding his head, “Give me fifteen minutes and I’ll have him waxed and showered so he’ll be ready for tomorrow.”

  
“I’ll let the leader know,” Da said looking at me, “I’ll be back for you baby ok? Behave.” He said and then walked out of the room.

  
I covered myself again with my hands because I knew they weren’t going to give me any clothes and I felt beyond exposed and raw my legs cramping my back hurting as I stood there emotionally numb trying to tune myself out. After a minute he came up to me pulling one of my arms up, “Keep it up it will be quick,” He said rubbing a sticky paste into my arm pit before he put a strip on it and quickly yanked it off my skin after pressing it tightly into the goo. It felt almost like scrapping my knee on cement. It wasn’t the worst pain I had ever felt but it wasn’t pleasant. After he was done with that he did the other one and then he looked down at my groin area and sighed.

  
“At least this will be quick some guys you have to trim first before you can wax, if you’re lucky when you’re hair does grow in all the way it will be thin and soft. Some people have course hair down here you know?” He said matter of fact messing with the tub of paste. He took some and held up my shaft making me squirm as he applied it to the sensitive skin underneath.

  
“What are you doing?” I asked scared and confused.

  
“Waxing you, it’s my job I’m not going to hurt you on purpose I’ll let you know before I pull the strip because yeah it’s going to burn for a second or two after but you should be fine. Trust me it’s better this way a lot less mess because everything just slides right off your skin. You’re fine kid just relax.” He answered.

  
There were those words again, just relax everyone always telling me to fucking relax I’m sorry your face is currently inches from my ball sac and your applying a warm paste to them how about we switch places and I tell you to fucking relax? That was my thought on the matter. He counted to three and sure enough on three he pulled the strip pulling away what little hair I had there by the root and did the same to the other side making me hiss in pain as he had caught skin he had already stripped with it as well.

  
“Need some ice?” He asked me and I shook my head no. I didn’t think it mattered because I was already in a situation that sucked so why try to make anything better? Afterwards he left me climb into the shower and I washed Leo off of my skin allowing the water to get as hot as I would dare because of some of my more sensitive areas that had just been freshly stripped of their hair. When I was done he handed me a robe to wrap myself in.

  
“For tonight you get a room tomorrow I don’t know what they are going to do with you so don’t ask me because I can’t tell you from what I understand you’re going to be spending some time with your Dad before anyone else because you’ve apparently been apart for a little bit. There aren’t a lot of you guys here right now but after that you can eat if you want even though if you don’t eat it cuts down on mess and that tends to make everyone a little bit happier so I suggest skipping the food. Have a good night he said pushing me out into the hallway and shutting the door behind him leaving me standing there on my own for a minute or two.

  
Some guy I didn’t know came up to me his eyes raking up and down my frame causing him to smile at me which sent a shiver down my spine. I didn’t like the way these guys looked at me like I was some new toy or a piece of meat they could use however they wanted. I followed him down the hall to a room that looked similar to the one they had put me in after my branding and only one boy was there and I knew who it was from a distance before I even got close.

  
“Dom?” I said quietly as the door slammed behind me making me jump.

  
“Hey,” He said, “Are you ok?”

  
“Eh,” I shrugged my shoulders, “What are you doing here?” I asked.

  
“Hank called my Pop told him I wasn’t at school so he decided if I was going to blow school off I should be here,” He answered checking the belt on his robe, “Seriously though are you ok you’re shaking.”

  
“It was a long car ride,” I answered shrugging my shoulders.

  
“You can talk to me you know,” Dom said.

  
“I know I just I’d rather forget because I kind of I don’t know,” I answered.

  
“Pat like flipped out,” Dom said suddenly looking at me closely.

  
“What? What do you mean flipped out? Why?” I asked confused and concerned.

  
“When you made us leave you with him. Pat cried I’ve never seen him cry but he like completely lost it,” Dom answered me.

  
“I didn’t want him to see that, you either I didn’t mean to upset Pat,” I sighed running a hand through my hair.

  
“I don’t think it was you who upset him it was the fact that he had to leave you with him that upset him because he knows what Leo did to you last time he didn’t tell me much about it just that it was hard for you. He cried because he was worried about you not because he was mad at you or anything, Hunter drove him and Cole home because Pat just couldn’t calm down,” Dom said.

  
“And now we have to deal with this fucking weekend,” I sighed.

  
“You look like hell already,” Dom said grimacing.

  
“I’m tired, my legs are sore, just yeah,” I said, “I’m not looking forward to this my Da is here.”

  
“Oh, sorry,” Dom said, “I think you and I are the only two here for right now. So I don’t imagine we have much longer to talk.”

  
“You mean they’re going to start?” I asked my stomach dropping. I didn’t know how many of them were in the house but I didn’t want this, I couldn’t deal with this.

  
“Yeah, I’m about to take some K you want some?” He asked me, “It prevents short term memory formation so you won’t remember anything if you do almost like a roofie and makes you so chill you just don’t care.”

  
“Vic was going to give me some a roofie I mean,” I answered.

  
“Yeah but he’s not here so you want to try and go without it until tomorrow because I don’t see that going well for you.” Dom said as I looked at him wondering where he was hiding it, he read my mind, “Don’t worry about where it is I have it someplace they didn’t exactly check closely he said pointing to a bandage on his arm. I nodded my head.

  
“I don’t think it would either, not having something I mean. Leo already…,” I trailed off.

  
Dom sighed, “I don’t like Leo I think he’s evil,” Dom said.

  
“He’s not violent he’s just…I don’t know I can’t explain it,” I said.

  
“He makes you hate yourself?” Dom asked me almost so quietly I didn’t him.

  
“Yeah,” I answered back, “He did something that I don’t know it just…” I felt my face starting to glow red just remembering what he had done the things he had said how I wasn’t able to stop myself from giving him what he wanted no matter how much it made me hate myself.

  
“Hey John,” Dom said getting my attention making me look at his face, “You don’t have to explain anything to me but if you want to talk about I’ll listen ok? I’m not going to judge you I know what they can be like we all do. Sometimes you find yourself doing things that you don’t mean to do.”

  
“He kept taunting me about a video my Da made with me while I was drunk where I was vocal and he pushed me and pushed me until I couldn’t stop from making noises,” I said looking away from him feeling completely exposed.

  
“Ok, he pushed the right buttons your body is a machine you push the button it’s going to respond it’s not your fault it doesn’t mean you wanted it. It doesn’t mean you were ok with it or that you liked it, it just means that he found the right button that’s all it is,” Dom said.

  
“He bragged to my Da about it that he made me you know without touching my dick,” I said.

  
“Ah,” Dom said nodding his head, “Was that a first?” He asked.

  
“I don’t know. Like I don’t think it was but never that intense,” I answered.

  
Just then the door opened and my Da walked in. He looked at us smiling taking in the fact that all we had were robes. Dom crossed his arms in front of himself before making sure the belt on his robe was tight.

  
“Hey boys,” He said, “Come on baby we’re going to spend some time together before the party starts,” he said coming up to me and grabbing me around the waist.

  
I sighed heavily. I was tired and still sore. I knew I couldn’t say no or fight though especially with him.

  
“I’ll see you later Dom,” I said.

  
“Yeah,” He said nodding his head. I could see in his eyes that watching it upset him. Watching my Da and knowing that it was something I didn’t want.

  
I carefully unhooked him from my waist and walked out into the hallway with him where he reattached himself grabbing me from behind. I tensed smelling him, his aftershave and the booze on his breath made me feel sick to my stomach as I felt him against my body through the robe. His hands went to the belt and started to undo it in the hallway and I froze.

  
“Relax, it’s not like it’s something everyone hasn’t seen before baby,” He said allowing the undone belt to drop from his hands letting the robe fall open his hands wandering to places he shouldn’t have even wanted to touch.

  
I inhaled sharply trying not to make a sound because I knew that’s what he would want from me because Leo had bragged to him how he had gotten me to moan. I wanted to tell him to at least wait until we were in a room something anything but I knew telling him no would cost me dearly. So I just froze letting him touch me in the hallway, feel me up as he started kissing on the back of my neck making it hard for me to breathe.

  
“God I’ve missed you so much baby,” He muttered into my neck rubbing faster as I grabbed his hand gently trying to get him to stop.

  
“Slow down,” I half-whimpered as I tried to keep breathing.

  
He turned me around so we were face to face pinning me against the wall, “I’m sorry baby I just, I want you so bad, you have no idea. I got carried away I’m sorry the room is that door right there,” He said pointing at a door a couple feet down the hall, “ We’ll get in there enjoy some time together, sleep and then the party starts ok?” He said forcing a kiss past my lips making me tense. He broke the kiss quickly and I nodded my head.

  
He kept his hands on the my shoulders the reset of the way to the room but once we were inside he jumped on me not really giving me a chance to pace myself or prepare, pushing me face first into the bed and climbing on top of me, biting and nibbling at the back of my neck and my shoulder blades, making me shiver as he dragged his tongue down my spine. He kissed the end of my tail bone and then stopped.

  
“Give me a second,” he mumbled above me, “Just want to make sure you’re clean before I make you feel good.” I felt something cold and wet against my asshole like a baby wipe in fact it probably was a baby wipe for all I know and then after that he sighed happily, “There we go,” he whispered leaning all of his weight on my back Restarting his trail with his tongue making me flinch. His tongue didn’t stop at my tail bone this time but went past it tickling my asshole catching me by surprise. I thought he would stop there but instead he drove his tongue into it making my eyes go wide.

  
“Shit,” I muttered trying to be quiet shoving a pillow into my mouth to muffle any sounds I might make.

  
Eventually his fingers found their way in there first one in and out slow and then another until he thought I was ready and then he climbed on top of me on hand on my left shoulder the other on my right hip holding me while he moved in and out of me.  
.I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to be me anymore.

  
I didn’t climax for him the way he wanted me to and I tried my hardest to block out what he was saying even though phrases made it past my ear and into my brain phrases like “You’re a good boy Da missed you so much, You feel so good inside if I could I would stay like this forever” and “God you’re amazing I can’t wait to suck your cock.”

  
When I was hoping he was done he flipped me over his hands starting to rub as he laid beside me cuddling me and I closed my eyes trying to block out what was happening what he was making me feel as I got harder and harder in his hand. I didn’t even realize I was making noise but I must have been because he smiled and kisses my ear, “I love the sounds you make.” He uttered as I tried to hold it in and he moved his face down taking me in his mouth.

  
Making me bite my tongue. I held back for as long as I could not because I wanted to enjoy it or because I liked it but because I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction when I knew what he wanted. He wanted me to cum and I knew it because he wanted me to hate myself and he wanted to know he could make me do whatever he wanted even if I didn’t want it to happen. Eventually he did make me climax and when I was done he moved behind me spooning me entering me again and going until he was satisfied again.

  
He fell asleep holding me against him his dick still up against my asshole. I’m sure I laid there frozen for hours hoping he would let me go roll over in his sleep something anything so I could just have a second to get myself together to stop my head from spinning to slit my writs anything, just one second but it didn’t happen. I must have fallen asleep at some point because when I woke up he wasn’t there instead there was a cold empty space behind me where he had been.

  
I swallowed because I knew. Today was it. Today was the day that I was probably going to be strapped down to a table and anyone who wanted me could have me. I left the room and walked down the hallway to the resting room where they made us nap when we weren’t being used and when I opened the door I found just about everyone there, Hunter, Kris, Christian, Cole, Dom, Alec, Alec, Brodric, Chad and a couple other guys I didn’t recognize. They all looked at me stopping what they were doing to stare at me as I walked in.

  
“Hey,” Cole said coming up to me and grabbing me as my legs went out from under me, “I’ve got you, you’re all right,” He said as Hunter and Dom came up to us.

  
“Come on guys let’s get him on a cot,” Hunter said, “You ok?”

  
“Sore,” I answered, “Where’s Pat?” I asked.

  
“Do you need a drink? We have a bottle we’ve been passing around we can get another one if we have to, do you need a shower?” Kris asked coming up to me.

  
As everyone else exchanged glances. I couldn’t read their faces I remember being too tired, too worn out because I hadn’t slept well at all. I wanted to see him I need him and he wasn’t there I wanted to know where he was.

  
“Where is he?” I asked them again as they helped me over to a cot, “Cole where is he?” I asked my voice starting to get louder.

  
“Keep your voice down,” Cole told me, “He’s busy ok? Don’t flip out and you’re not supposed to see each other here anyway.”

  
“What do you mean he’s busy?” I asked and then it hit me. He was on the tables. They were raping him right at that second I felt my stomach drop and I tried to stand.

  
“No,” Kris said pushing me back down gently, “No, you need to get some rest ok? I’m going to go grab you something to drink but you need to stay calm ok? Freaking out isn’t going to help him and might get both of you in a world of trouble right now especially with Chad and half his group over there all right? You need to be calm got me?”

  
I swallowed and nodded my head just as the door opened. Vic came in and he was holding a cup with a straw. He smiled at us.

  
“I figured you’d probably be here,” He said looking at me, “No drinks you get this instead,” He said handing me the cup, “Take it give yourself some time go shower you should be all right for a while.”

  
“What is it?” I asked.

“What I promised I would get, now drink it ok?” Vic said.

  
I sipped it. It tasted like sprite and nothing else but I drank it all anyway my whole being feeling numb after I was finished I handed the cup to him, “Pat’s out there.” I said.

  
“Yes, he is,” Vic confirmed, “Don’t worry about it all right? Stay calm I’m going to take care of all of you all right?”

  
“Ok,” I said nodding my head. I got up and showered and went to go lay back down and after that things started to fade out almost like I was dreaming.

  
I know what they did to me I know I wasn’t in that room for long but its weird little flashes. A room that was barely lit the smell of booze and smoke. Fingers on my skin random flashes that are still hard for me to pick up even to this day.

  
Most of the weekend is like that. I know it happened. I know they did things to me but it all feels so fragmented so surreal.

  
There was one point that I remember someone being on top of me and someone being underneath me but other than that momentary flash and panic I don’t remember anything substantial until early Sunday morning. I learned later that I had been dosed by that memory wiping drink about four times during the weekend that it had saved me a lot of heart ache and trauma but not knowing for a long time was almost as bad as knowing.

  
I woke up in the car with Hank and Pat and Cole as we pulled into the school parking lot to go to Sunday Mass. Pat holding my hand discreetly in the back and rubbing my shoulder gently to wake me up.

  
“What happened?” I asked confused.

  
“Well,” Cole said slowly, “I don’t think that’s a question you’re going to have for very long, try to think back to the last thing you remember…”

  
I thought about it for a second, “I remember you telling me that …oh, OH!” I said and Cole nodded his head.

  
I looked at Pat closely and squeezed his hand, “Are you ok?” I asked him.

  
He smiled at me sadly and shrugged his shoulders then sighed, “I’ll be fine, let’s go this over with so I can maybe actually sleep.”

  
I went to go step out of the car and pain shot up my leg starting at the knee, “Fuck!” I exclaimed.

  
“What?” Cole asked.

  
“My fucking knee,” I said.

  
“You sure you aren’t feeling that pain other places?” Cole asked me.

  
“Cole don’t pick on him I’m not in the mood,” Pat said grabbing me as I stepped out of the car.

  
“Sorry,” Cole said going quiet, “I didn’t mean anything by it.”

  
“Yeah I know ok, I realize I’m just, sorry,” Pat mumbled grabbing my hand.

  
I sighed heavily. I’d seen him upset before but never angry or short tempered with Cole. Something really bad had happened. He wasn’t going to talk about it and I knew that because I knew him. Just hearing the tone in his voice, him not putting up with Cole’s little jokes made me acutely aware that maybe we needed some time together just him and I to talk.

  
I took a step and wobbled lightly stumbling a little bit which caused both Pat and Cole to grab for me, “I’ve got him.” Pat said putting an arm around my waist and one of my arms around his shoulders so he could help support my weight.

  
“I have a question,” I said looking at them both as Cole backed away from us a little bit.

  
“What?” Cole asked.

  
“Where did I get this shirt from because from what I remember I didn’t really have one when I got to the Villa,” I said.

“You didn’t have one?” Cole asked.

  
“He huh ripped the buttons from my shirt,” I said quietly.

  
“Cole really? Really you had to question him? To bring it all back up? That’s kind of fucked up,” Pat said frowning.

  
“Pat, he’s fine don’t worry about it babe,” I said, “He basically tore my shirts off of me,” I answered Cole.

  
“They probably brought you a new one or something,” He said, “I couldn’t tell the one you’re wearing wasn’t yours maybe they sowed the buttons back on.”

  
“Maybe,” I said.

  
We walked past the threshold and I saw Will talking with someone in the corner when he saw us his eyes widened and he came over to us immediately, “Where have you been?! Mum has been freaking the fuck out all weekend, no calls from anyone she even called the cops and they more or less told her you probably ran away!” He whispered frantically.

  
Pat looked at me closely shifting my weight against his back a little, “He’s ok he was with us.”

  
“With you guys mum is going to murder him once she sees him,” He said sighing.

  
“I was with Da,” I said through clenched teeth.

  
“You went to New York?” Will asked raising an eyebrow at me.

  
“No…” I said slowly glancing around the room to see who was watching me. I saw Finick looking at me and it sent a cold shiver up and down my spine. I felt sick to my stomach knowing he was watching me and feeling like they were all watching me.  
“Come on guys let’s go to the bathroom,” Cole suggested and Pat nodded his head. We hobbled down the hall and into the bathroom Cole shutting the door behind Will as we stepped inside. Will checked the stalls making sure we were alone before he spoke again.

  
“So if you weren’t in New York but you with Da, Da was here? And he didn’t tell mum he was coming?” Will asked.

  
“Yeah,” I nodded my head, “You remember getting your brand?”

“So that’s what everyone was in a tizzy about last week. I kept hearing about a party that no one seemed really happy about,” Will said.

  
“Yeah,” I said, “Look if he didn’t tell mum there is probably a reason so just tell her I was with Uncle Ben because he was there too. So it’s whatever.”

  
“So you had a bad weekend?” He asked looking at us making Pat shift uneasily.

  
I sighed. I had seen Pat get pretty upset with Will before and I didn’t want to deal with that especially not today at that exact moment not because I thought Pat would hurt Will but because I couldn’t deal with that and how tired and sore I was at the same time, “We’ll talk about it later ok?” I asked and Will nodded his head, “We should sit for mass.”

  
“Ok,” Will said nodding his head and opening the door, “We’ll talk about it later.”

  
“Come on,” Cole said nodding his head at Will coaxing him through the door, “Just give them a second they’ll be right behind us let’s go get seats.” He said winking at us as he and Will left the bathroom.

  
“Pat babe,” I said slowly, “Can you talk to me?”

  
“I didn’t want to leave you with him damn it!” He moaned finally letting out what was bothering him, “I didn’t even care about what happened to me this weekend. The things that… I’m so so glad Vic gave you something. It would kill me if you remembered any of that.”

  
“I don’t. I barely remember what happened before I got there it feels weird,” I said as he hugged me, “Are you sure that’s all that’s bothering you?”

  
“I spent a little bit of time with your Da,” Pat said.

  
“And?” I asked.

  
“He talked about you, different things that I … it was really hard to listen to him talk about you like that. I think he’s in love with you,” Pat said.

  
I swallowed the words hitting me like a punch to the gut. So I wasn’t the only one who thought that might be the case that my Da loved me in a way that he shouldn’t. Thinking about it the way he was made me feel anxious, “Sorry,” I said quietly.

  
“You shouldn’t be the one who is sorry. The way he talks about the stuff he does to you it made me so angry because I know its things you don’t like. I was lucky I was tied down because god I wanted to fucking punch him so bad. He makes me sick,” Pat said.

  
“What did he tell you?” I asked looking at Pat closely.

  
“Just stuff, its ok it’s not important,” Pat said pressing his forehead to mine.

  
“No, I want to know,” I said.

  
“He said that he was the only one who used to make you…well, and that he was jealous he had to share you with some many people. That he liked it better when you were just his,” Pat answered me.

  
I didn’t know what to say to that. I didn’t know if that was worse or better honestly knowing he didn’t want me to be with other people anymore that maybe he had gotten worn out on making videos of me and passing me around for money. I was quiet.

  
“I shouldn’t have told you. I knew I shouldn’t have said that,” Pat said.

  
I shook my head, “It’s not you. I mean I asked you to tell me didn’t I?” I said.

  
“Rabbit,” Pat sighed touching my cheek gently, lovingly, “You’re shaking.”

  
“You know why you can’t call me baby?” I asked quietly trying to keep myself from crying, “He calls me baby. He’s wrong he makes me feel wrong,” I said not able to stop the tears.

  
“I know Rabbit, there’s nothing wrong with you,” He said hugging my tightly as I squeezed him, “There is nothing wrong with you.”

  
“Why then? Why doesn’t he see me like he’s supposed to?” I asked.

  
“I don’t know Rabbit, I don’t have the answer but there is nothing wrong with you it’s him it’s not you,” He said.

  
“My mum thinks there is,” I barely managed to sob, “She thinks there’s something so wrong with me that she said I’m gross that me being with you is wrong and gross and…,”

  
He cut me off, “She doesn’t understand it. There is nothing wrong with you wanting to be with someone who understands what you’re going through not a damn thing ok? She’s just scared because she doesn’t understand but you’re not gross there is nothing gross about you, you’re handsome and smart and funny and sweet there isn’t one gross thing about you ok? Look at me,” He said tilting my chin upward to look into his eyes, “Not one thing, not even half an atom of you is gross in any way Rabbit and I would never lie about that. You believe me don’t you?” He said I could see his eyes were wet that he was trying not to cry with me.

  
I nodded my head not able to speak as he held me. I knew he meant it everything he had said. He didn’t see what I saw or what I was afraid of, what they saw he saw something else something different something that made him love me in a way no one else ever could or so I thought. He held me tightly, “I love you,” He whispered into the crown of my head.

  
“I love you too,” I said into his chest pressing my head against his breast bone listening to his heart beat through his shirt smelling him around me. I held him tight as he brushed his hands up and down my back.

  
After a couple of minutes he sighed, “We should get to mass,” He said kissing my head again, “Come on Rabbit let’s just get this over with and then maybe we can run away together for a little while, you and me?” he said bumping into my side and smiling as he let me go, “You’re knee ok?”

  
“I think so, you’re right let’s go to mass just get it over with,” I agreed.

  
I don’t even remember what Mass was about. I felt numb and tired my body was sore and I felt beyond broken but I knew one thing that gave me comfort. Pat loved me. That he didn’t care what my mum thought and he in fact thought that she didn’t think I was gross at all but that she was just scared because she didn’t understand. I knew she tried she really did try but I don’t think she ever really got it how wrong he made me feel all the time knowing how he felt about me and that he shouldn’t feel that way. When mass was over my mum ran up to me and hugged me tightly.

  
“I was so worried about you!” She said and then sighed when she noticed Pat standing back a bit watching us not wanting to make her upset, “You were with him?” She whispered in my ear.

  
“No mum,” I answered, “I wasn’t with him I barely saw him, I was with Uncle Ben.”

  
Her forehead crinkled and the skin around her eyes did as well, “You mean…” She started to ask me but covered her mouth with her hands stopping herself, “Are you ok?”

  
“I’m alive,” I said shrugging my shoulders, “Mum?”

  
“Yeah love?” She asked me.

  
“We need to talk,” I said.

  
I don’t know why. I still couldn’t tell you why to this day if you asked me that question. But I needed to talk to her about Da, how he made me feel, how I knew he felt about me and what that meant exactly. I think it was talking to Pat about it that made me change my mind about addressing it with her. Because she had tried to talk with me about it before but I had always flat out refused to address it.

  
“Ok,” She said nodding her head, “Later?”

  
“Yeah,” I said, “Is it ok if Pat and Cole come over and hang out after church?” I asked.

  
“Yes, out in the open though all right?” She asked me glancing behind me at Pat.

  
“Ok mum,” I said nodding my head.

  
“We’re getting ready to leave let me get the littles out of child care and then we’ll be leaving, ok love?” She said giving me a quick hug.

  
“Ok mum,” I said.

  
After she left Pat came back over, “Everything ok?” He asked me.

  
“Yeah I’m going to talk to her about some stuff, him,” I said.

  
Pat nodded his head, “You sure about that? That’s a big thing you know?”

  
“What? To admit that my Da is…,” I visibly shuddered, “Maybe I need to explain it to her, what it does to me to make her understand it, understand me. You can come over she said if you want.”

  
“Of course I do but do you think that’s a good idea?” Pat asked, “I mean she seems kind of against us hanging out, I don’t want to make her upset.”

  
“I don’t care if it upsets her I need you there ok?” I said and he nodded his head, “We’ll like hang out play video games with the twins just like chill and then after that maybe you can be there when I talk to her, if you’re ok with that.”

  
“Ok,” Pat said, “That sounds good to me. If you want me there I’ll be there.”

  
“Thank you,” I said, “I should get ready to go.”

  
“Yeah, Arthur is going to take us home, we’ll walk over after that if that’s ok,” Pat said.

  
“Yeah that’s great,” I said, “Give us some time maybe to talk as a family.”

  
He walked over to Cole and I walked out towards the parking lot. Mum had already gotten everyone loaded into the car and Mike and Matt where standing outside the van doors. I sighed I could see it on their faces something was going on in those little twin brains and it was something I probably didn’t want to deal with. When I walked up to the van they both turned to look at me.

  
“Are you ok?” Mike asked me.

  
“Why?” I asked.

  
“Well you smell like spunk and you look really tired,” Matty answered surprising me.

  
“Matty!” Mum hissed, “What have we talked about?”

  
“Appropriate language,” Matty answered rolling his eyes.

  
“And what does appropriate language include?” Mum asked him.

  
“Don’t confront people about things they can’t control,” Matty answered.

  
“Can John control what happens between him and Uncle Ben?” She asked him.

  
“No, so I shouldn’t talk about it,” Matty answered, “But mum he asked Mike why and that’s exactly what Mike was thinking.”

  
“That might be true but Mike didn’t say it you did and you need to keep those thoughts to yourself even if they aren’t yours all right now say you’re sorry,” Mum said pointing at me, “Matty now.”

  
“John I’m sorry,” Matty said saying it in a tone that made it seem like he wasn’t sorry at all.

  
“I accept your apology,” I answered, “I showered.” I said shaking my head.

  
“I don’t think it’s you just your clothes,” Will said from the back row of the cabin.

  
“Oh,” I said as Mike and Matt climbed into their seats and mum shut the sliding door. I walked to my door and opened it up climbing inside the pain shooting through my knee. I didn’t want to talk about that especially with my brothers. What exactly would I have told them that I had a bunch of guy’s use me while I was more or less passed out and I didn’t remember any of it and that it was something they had to look forward to in the future? It was kind of bullshit.

  
“I’m sorry about that, he’s been odd,” Mum said quietly as she pulled out of the parking lot.

  
“Yeah for a while now,” I said.

  
“It’s been getting worse, he asked Catty some questions that I found disturbing. The sooner all of this is over the better,” She said turning up the radio so they couldn’t hear us talking in the front seat, “So what happened this weekend?” She asked me.  
“I don’t remember,” I said omitting some details.

  
“You don’t remember?” She asked me.

  
“Vic, Dr. Palmer gave me something so it made me forget I’m glad I don’t remember it’s not worth remembering anyway,” I said.

  
“Do you remember anything about what happened? Where were you John? I was worried beyond sick I called the cops and they completely ignored me said you probably ran away. I thought you were dead in some ditch or something so you want to clue me in a little bit here love?” She asked me.

  
“Mum, even the stuff I do remember I don’t want to talk about,” I answered, “So can we please just not.”

  
“No, You need to give me a reason why you disappeared Thursday and I didn’t see you until you walked into that church the morning,” She said.

  
“Well,” I said thinking about my answer, “I was with Uncle Ben so I wasn’t alone.”

  
“What happened?” She asked me.

  
“I was with Uncle Ben do I have to spell it out for you?” I asked her getting short.

  
“John I thought you said you wanted to talk to me, so why are you getting upset?” She asked.

  
“Well mum maybe it has to do with the 10 other people in the car behind me that don’t need to hear it,” I said.

  
“Ok fine, we’ll get home and get everyone settled and then you and I can chat about it ok?” She asked me.

  
“Deal,” I said.

  
We got home and got everyone upstairs and settled where they should be and as we were laying the babies down for their afternoon nap in the nursery she looked at me, “So…,” She said, “You want to tell me what happened?”

  
“I skipped school Thursday,” I answered.

  
“Yes, the school called and I’m not pleased about it but you not coming home when school was let out kind of took away any urge to yell at you I may have had until I saw you again the morning so tell me what happened. You weren’t with Pat fucking around were you?” She asked straight out.

  
“No mum I wasn’t fucking around with Pat I was too busy being fucked by Da and his friends to fuck anyone else,” I hissed.

  
“Your Da?” She asked me her eyes wide, “Your Da was here and he didn’t call me?”

  
“I don’t think he wanted you to know,” I swallowed.

  
“I’m sorry,” She said.

  
“Yeah me too. I’m never going to be able to have sex with anyone ever period at this point because every time I think I might do it I…they…why can’t we just be normal?” I asked.

  
“I wonder that too. Things are already so messed up and then you have to go and get feelings for a boy,” She said the words stinging as they came out.

  
“He has nothing to do with this,” I said.

  
“He does, he makes life that much more difficult for you,” She said.

  
“No he doesn’t! HE LOVES ME MUM HE LOVES ME AND HE SEE”S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME DESPITE EVERYTHING! DESPITE DA AND DESPITE UNCLE BEN AND LEO AND HANK DESPITE ALL OF THEM HE SAYS IT”S NOT ME THAT IT”S THEM AND I’m SORRY I’m SO SO FUCKING SORRY THAT I CARE ABOUT SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS WHEN I DON”T HAVE ANYONE ELSE!” I shouted causing Mac to start crying, “I’m sorry squirt.” I said picking him up and rocking him, “I’m sorry.”

  
“There isn’t anything wrong with you as a person just, that,” She said, “And who is Leo?” she asked hearing the name making me flinch.

  
“One of Da’s friends. Angela’s husband remember,” I said.

  
“One of Da’s friends?” She asked me.

  
“I’m not talking about it. You want to talk about something let’s talk about the fact that Da makes me hate myself and he…,” I shrugged my shoulders, “He likes what he…”

  
“Well yes traditionally that’s why people do that sort of thing,” Mum said looking at me.

  
I sighed, “Mum I’m trying to tell you that he doesn’t feel the way he’s supposed to feel about me.”

  
Mum sighed looking at me closely, “What did he say to you?”

  
“It wasn’t what he said to me, he said something to someone else and they said that, the way he talks about me it’s not…the way he should,” I said.

  
“Look I know your relationship with your Da is complicated,” Mum said, “But whatever you think is going on I don’t think you’re seeing it for what it is. He likes hurting you he knows he’s hurting you you’re Da is a violent man but I don’t think what you are implying is true.”

  
“Mum he’s shown you that…”

  
“John, he showed me that to hurt me to upset me he didn’t show me that to,” She said looking at me but the way she was looking at me something told me she wasn’t telling the truth.

  
“He’s sick,” I said, “He doesn’t view me has his kid mum, he doesn’t view any of us as his kids there is something wrong with him. I can see it that you know it in your face now I’m wondering what he said to you.”

  
“That you’re in love and if it wasn’t his duty as a catholic as my husband, that he would run off with you,” She said.

  
I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I didn’t want to be anywhere alone with him ever and the thought made my skin start crawling. The last thing I wanted was for him to think of me like that. I felt sick to my stomach and put Mac down in his crib.

  
“Love?” She asked me my head spinning.

  
I started shaking my head, “No,” I said.

  
“Ok love you need to calm down,” Mum said.

  
“No, I No, No, I hate him! I HATE HIM I HATE HIM!” I screamed as mum put Mary down and rushed to me holding me tightly.

  
“Love, it’s not you ok, it’s not you,” She said as I fell to my knees bring us to the floor.

  
“What did I do?” I asked starting to hyperventilate.

  
“You didn’t do anything,” She said, “Shhh, Shhh you’re ok, you’re going to be ok.”

  
“What did I do? Mum I don’t want to be with him I don’t I want to burn my skin off when he touches me, I don’t want to do this,” I said.

  
“I know love,” She said.

  
“No you don’t know mum,” I said feeling like I couldn’t breathe

  
Just then the door burst open and there were Pat and Cole Pat’s eyes wide as he looked at us. Like he was scared. Cole looked scared too but like he didn’t know what was going on where as Pat I could see it in his face. He knew what was going on but he wanted to comfort me and not just stand there helpless.

  
“John?” Pat said.

  
“Pat?” I managed to wheeze pushing my mum away and crawling on my knees to him wrapping my arms around his waist squeezing him.

  
“Ok, you’re ok,” He said rubbing my shoulders and arms as I clung to him, “you’re safe.”

  
“And you think this has nothing to do with anything else that’s going on?” She asked me, “You can’t even let me comfort you. you have to turn to him, your… what is he even?” She asked sneering, “You’re boyfriend?”

  
“They understand each other,” Cole said suddenly, “Don’t think of it as sex or romantic attraction think of it as friendship, deep friendship that makes everything make sense. Why can’t you see it that way?”

  
“Because that’s not what it is,” She answered him.

  
“With all due respect Mrs. McGregor that’s exactly what it is, think of when you first met your husband were you instantly in love with him? Not just attracted to him but actually in love with him. Because I don’t think you were you started out as friends and everything all the feelings you once had for him grew from there. If it confuses you to think of them as in love don’t think of it that way think of it as someone who understands him completely someone he doesn’t have to explain things to,” Cole said, “I’m not trying to be disrespectful to you but at its core that’s what they are to each other another person who understands the other so completely they never have to explain anything because they just know. Maybe that’s what they need. Don’t judge it, don’t tell them it’s wrong or gross or whatever because how can love, any love that deep and understanding and unconditional ever be wrong when god tells us to love our neighbors as we would love ourselves?”

  
Mum looked at him silently for a couple of minutes and then sighed heavily, “Ok,” She said nodding her head, “I see what you’re saying and I’ll try to see it that way it’s just hard for me to imagine feeling that way about someone like that. And what will everyone else think isn’t his life hard enough without everyone else’s judgements.”

  
“He can handle what he’s going through,” Cole said, “He’s handling that like a damn Champ excuse my language I think that other people’s judgements they’ll roll right off his back as long as he has Pat or someone else that cares that much beside him he can face anything.”

  
“You know from experience?” Mum asked Cole.

  
“Yes,” Cole nodded his head, “And when I was with him I felt like I could rule the world. He’s gone now but that love, the way I felt about him, the way I still feel about him that’s not ever going to go anywhere because love like that survives death and love like that even though I’m young I know it’s rare and it’s special it’s the type of love that created the universe and I believe that I’ll see him again that his death wasn’t a true goodbye but more of a goodbye for now.”

  
“You’re very wise,” Mum said looking at Cole, “My son, is in love with someone who loves him and has a friend who understands love on a level that I think a lot of adults don’t. Thank you Cole, I’ll try to relax and accept it for what it is and not judge it. I can’t promise I’ll be prefect everyday but I’ll try.”

  
“We don’t have much time together, if you’re all going to leave I mean,” Pat said finally speaking up, “Just give us the time we have left. We won’t be indecent, I won’t ever hurt him or force him but give us…”

  
Mum nodded her head, “Puppy love, I understand. You can’t ask me to let you walk around making out with each other though.”

  
“Mum,” I said meekly, “It’s not like that.”

  
“Love get your face away from his crotch,” Mum said giving us a tight lipped smile.

  
Cole covered his mouth and Pat stepped back and I could tell without looking at him he was blushing. I hadn’t realized my face was really that close to his crotch until my mum had so bluntly pointed it out. But I was no longer crying more staring at my mum open mouthed at the obvious place her mind was going.

  
“Ok well, go hang out play video games I’ll stay cool, I love you John try to be a kid for once in your life aye?” She said as I stood up and Pat grabbed my hand helping me up, “Go on.” She said waving us away.

  
After we got out of the room I shut the nursery door behind us Pat stared at Cole open mouthed.

  
“What?” Cole asked looking at us looking at him.

  
“Way to go Cole, I think you just turned his mom from a homophobe into an accepting and loving parent,” Pat said.

  
“Wait until she finds out Will is really the gay one that will throw her,” I muttered causing both Cole and Pat to laugh.

  
“Aren’t you gay though?” Cole asked me.

  
“I still don’t know I know he’s hot,” I said looking at Pat.

  
“Eww he’s like my brother Pat is not hot,” Cole said.

  
“Oh I’m totally hot, it’s time you accepted that and move on with life,” Pat said sticking out his tongue.

  
“Oh shut up!” Cole said shoving his fingers into his ears as we started walking down the hall towards the living room.

  
We entered the living room and found an actual movie on the TV instead of a video game they were watching Mulan a Disney film that had come out last year about a girl who cross dressed and saved her empire from total destruction and old Chinese tale brought to the big screen by the people with the cartoon mouse.

  
“No grand theft Auto Matty?” I asked sitting down next to him.

  
“No, mum said Catty could use the big TV and she wanted to watch a movie so we’re watching a movie,” Matty said and then looked at me, “Do you love boys because of Da being weird?” He asked suddenly making everyone look at him, “What?”

  
Cole was covering his mouth and I could tell he was trying not to laugh and Pat was looking at me wide eyed with this look on his face that clearly conveyed a “what the fuck?” feeling.

  
“Well,” I said slowly thinking about how to answer, “I don’t think it does. Why do you think it has something to do with him?” I asked Matty.

  
“Because most guys like girls but, Because of Da you started thinking about guys that way so maybe because he likes to do things with us he shouldn’t he made you think of boys like that. That and he made you touch him and stuff didn’t he?” Matt asked me.

  
“Where did you hear that?” Pat asked.

  
“James,” Matt answered simply.

  
“I don’t think it really has that much to do with them,” Will answered, “I mean I love guys and Da isn’t nearly as weird with me as he is with John.”

  
“Oh shit,” Cole said not able to control his laughter anymore, “Congrats Will I think you just came out.”

  
“What?” Will asked and then a look of dawning hit his face, “Ah, well I guess I did.”

  
“Really so is it not weird?” Matty asked.

  
“It’s different in my personal opinion but not weird, no I don’t think anything is wrong with it. Some guys, most guys like girls in that way but some guys like other guys that way just like some girls like other girls that way it might be a little different but it’s not wrong and I don’t think it’s due to anything some people are just born that way and that’s ok,” Cole said.

  
“Oh,” Matty answered, “So if I wanted to like kiss guys it would be ok?”

  
“You’re too young to be kissing anyone,” I answered and Pat shot me a smile.

  
“I’m not that young,” Matt said frowning.

  
“You are,” I answered, “I changed your diapers you’re too young to be kissing anyone.”

  
“I’m eight,” Matty answered.

  
“Exactly, you’re 8 and he’s 10,” I said pointing at Will, “No kissing anyone period.”

  
“You’re not our Da,” Matt said.

  
“I might as well be, keep your lips to yourselves,” I said shaking my head as Pat bit his lip trying not to laugh and Cole laughed uncontrollably.

  
“You kiss people,” Matt said a matter of fact.

  
“I’m 13 I’m a teenager,” I answered.

  
“In some societies he’s a man,” Will said glancing up from his book for a minute.

  
“There you go,” I said gesturing at Will, “I am not 10 I am not eight I am 13 there is a world of difference from me kissing someone and you kissing someone.”

  
“Da kisses me am I supposed to tell him no?” He asked me.

  
“He knows you don’t want to and that he’s not supposed to so I wouldn’t recommend saying anything to him,” I answered.

  
“Not unless you want to get smashed across the face,” Will said without looking up from his book.

  
“Will!” I snapped.

  
“What? It’s true you and I both know it so why on earth should we pretend it’s not?” Will asked, “Shouldn’t he know the golden rule before he’s in his bed every night?”

  
I felt like I had been punched in the stomach.

  
“Will,” Pat said shaking his head, “You need to stop.”

  
“Why? What the hell are you going to do about it? It’s true we all know it it’s only a matter of time,” Will said.

  
“You’re upsetting him,” Pat warned.

  
“Who John? John is always upset about just about everything not that I blame him but come on can’t we just say it out right our Da fucks us ok? He rapes us it’s not fun but there’s honestly nothing we can do about it,” Will said.

  
“Will stop,” I said.

  
“Why? It’s the truth we all know it. What are we going to do about it?” Will said.

  
“Rabbit you’re paper white, let’s get out of here,” Pat said standing up and coming over to me grabbing my hand.

  
“He always goes paper white when he doesn’t want to talk about something,” Will said.

  
“Hey, he’s your older brother respect him,” Pat hissed.

  
“What are you going to do about it? What if this is something I want to talk about?” Will asked.

  
“Then you talk about it in private you don’t talk about it front of your younger brothers and sisters,” Pat said.

  
“Why? It’s not like he’s not touching them too, he’s touching you in your private places isn’t he Catty?” He asked looking at her.

  
She shifted uncomfortably. She hadn’t really talked about it with anyone but mum and I and she was the only girl in the whole family who spoke more than four words at a time.

  
“Will, that’s it kid I’m done with this you need to stop you need to take a pill or some shit because I am about to beat the snot out of you,” Pat said shaking his head.

  
“Pat, come on, let’s take a walk,” I said standing up and pulling him down the hallway, “you need to calm down.” I said once we had gotten down the hallway to my room.

  
“What the fuck is his problem he can’t do that? He shouldn’t be allowed to make everyone upset like that,” Pat said.

  
“I don’t know maybe he’s going through some stuff,” I said shrugging my shoulders, “He’s just a kid ok? I’ll deal with it later I’m just tired right now is all.”

  
“Yeah well you just spent an entire weekend strapped down with people assaulting you no wonder you’re tired. You probably need a nap,” He said before mumbling, “I feel like I need one.”

  
“Then why don’t we just go lay down huh?” I asked.

  
“You’re mom said public places,” Pat reminded me.

  
“If we leave the door open it could be public I’m not in the mood to get frisky anyway just cuddle and sleep,” I said.

  
“Yeah, I know trust me,” Pat said nodding his head, “Maybe if I nap I’ll be in a better mood though.”

  
“Do deal with Will you mean?” I asked.

  
“Yeah,” Pat nodded, “I didn’t mean to lose my temper and threaten to beat him I just…there’s a time and a place and in front of your little sister and brothers isn’t it.”

  
“He’s having a really hard time,” I said, “I’ll talk to him later. You want to sleep with me?” I asked.

  
“You make that sound amazing,” Pat said smiling at my double meaning, “But yes I think a nap would be nice.” He said as we went into my bedroom and left the door cracked taking off everything but our under shirts above the waist and climbing into my bed.

  
“You smell amazing,” I said as he curled around me hugging me tightly putting his cheek against mine.

  
“You don’t smell too bad yourself,” He said kissing my cheek quickly and then settling in closing his eyes, “I love you.”

  
“I love you too babe,” I said hugging his arms to my body as I closed my eyes and started to drift off.

  
We slept for two or three hours soundly and uninterrupted. I only moved because Pat got up to go to the bathroom and I heard someone coming down the hallway. It was Cole smiling like he was happy about something he knocked on the door even though it was cracked and poked his head in.

  
“Hey sleeping beauties,” Cole said, “Where’s Pat?”

  
“Bathroom,” I said rolling over, opening my eyes. I wasn’t ready to wake up but I don’t think I could have stayed asleep if I wanted to. Not with him not beside me.

  
“You look tired,” Cole commented.

  
“I am tired, I feel like super sore,” I answered him.

  
“Have you been taking Motrin like you should be once every six hours?” He asked me.

  
“No,” I moaned, “No energy.”

  
“Pat, your boyfriend would rather be in pain then take some Motrin,” Cole called.

  
“No, he wouldn’t he’s just too lazy to leave the bed,” Pat said amusement in his voice.

  
“You two have some fun while I was watching Disney movies?” Cole asked looking at me closely.

  
“No,” Pat answered from the bathroom, “We literally took a nap, nothing sexy about it.”

“That’s not true,” I said stretching, “We cuddled that is pretty sexy.”

  
“Well,” Pat said thinking about it, “Only because you’re sexy. He said coming out of the bathroom with a glass and a hand of pills, take these it’ll help.”

  
“You’re giving me Motrin?” I asked him smiling.

  
“Yes Rabbit, since I know you’re not ready to get up yet,” He said kissing my forehead, “take it, you’ll feel better.”

  
I grabbed the pills from him and took the water swallowing the pills. I thought he was being sweet. Taking care of me, making sure I was ok. I loved him I really loved him. I couldn’t imagine my life without him and then it hit me, soon that’s exactly what would happen. I would be without him. Without all of them. I would have to start over They would keep going trapped in the world we shared where as I was…getting out.

  
I was starting over and with hope and time things would be better for me but for them it would always be what it was. That broke my heart. Knowing that they were going to be stuck in this world where they didn’t have control and had to fight for every little bit of freedom they had. I didn’t want to leave him here. I didn’t want to leave any of them here.

  
“So?” Cole asked, “Are you two going to stay in bed all day?” He asked as Pat climbed back into bed with me.

  
“Not all day no, I have to get up and make dinner probably. It’s my day so…,” I shrugged my shoulders, “I just don’t want to leave yet he’s warm.” I said snuggling close to Pat wrapping my arms around his waist and burying my head in his chest.

  
I could feel Pat smile, relax into me as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders. I sighed breathing him in. He felt so good I knew I was leaving sooner than I wanted to and that if I had a choice in the matter I wouldn’t leave at all. However life hadn’t given me a choice just like my Da, my choices were limited. I could stay with them, with him and watch my family and my brain, everything I was continue to fall apart or I could leave and maybe find myself, find some peace. Just thinking about it made my heart sink.

  
“I don’t want to leave,” I whispered into his chest.

  
“What Rabbit?” Pat asked me.

 

“I don’t want to leave you,” I said again.

  
Pat sighed heavily, “I want you to be happy and you can do that without me if you get help. If it helps you any we’ll keep in touch through email I won’t let anyone know it’s you. You can use a public library only to get on and talk to me. We’ll keep in touch and maybe go to college together? If you want, I promise,” Pat said, “Who knows maybe next time we meet back up you’ll have a girlfriend and I’ll have a girlfriend or we can pick back up here.” He said smiling sadly.

  
“You want me to find someone else?” I asked frowning.

  
“I want you to be happy. If that means finding someone else that’s what it means and we’ll still be friends. I love you so much so completely that I can’t imagine you just not ever, I can’t imagine a world where you waited for me because I want you to have someone even if you can’t have me,” He said.

  
Cole sighed, “You two are depressing me he’s not even leaving yet.”

  
“We’re leaving in two weeks though,” I said.

  
“Yeah which means you have two weeks to finally fuck and get this out of your system or decide you’re madly in love,” Cole said.

  
My eyes went wide and Cole laughed as Pat looked at me and shrugged his shoulders, “You hate the fact that I told him?” He whispered in my ear.

  
“You both basically told me,” Cole reminded me.

  
“No I don’t mind,” I answered, “He’s right I said something about it too. I’ve also talked to Dom about it.”

  
“I don’t think we’re going to be doing that but thank you for the reminder Cole,” Pat said shrugging his shoulders.

  
Cole smiled, “Come on guys lets enjoy the time, we’ll go get drunk and like mess with old fart Freddy or something.”

  
“My body is fucking sore,” I moaned.

  
Cole and Pat looked at each other exchanging a glance that told me they knew something I didn’t but I wasn’t sure I wanted to know at all. Pat pulled me close and kissed my cheek, “Movie maybe?” he asked me.

  
“Yeah I can deal with a movie,” I said, “There should be a good one on TV probably.”

  
“Don’t you have a VCR player and some tapes?” Cole asked looking at me.

  
“Yeah we could watch like Jurassic park or Flubber I guess,” I said, “Nothing R rated makes mum unhappy and the kids are awake and moving about so easier that way.”

  
“Jurassic park is good with me,” Pat answered.

  
“Me too,” Cole said as both Pat and I got up out of the bed and started walking to the farther living room.

  
Cole was actually the one who put in the movie. We sat and watched it Pat with his arm wrapped around my shoulder cuddling me close. We laughed at random jokes and there were a couple jump scares. We had a good time and Will even joined us after a bit sitting in a chair with his book glancing up every once in a while to look at the screen. By the end of the movie even though we had all seen it more than once everyone was actually watching. When I looked over at Will he was actually staring intently at the TV for once. So intently he didn’t notice Cole on the floor next to him leaning his elbow against Will’s leg. Cole was staring at the TV too and didn’t seem to mind the fact that Will wasn’t really paying attention to him. They were a fresher newer version of us. I saw that in them. And I thought about how much easier it would be for them to say goodbye. How it would hurt that much less than it would hurt Pat and I.

  
I turned away to look at him and found him staring at me, watching me watch them and I sighed. He smiled at me and nodded his head like he knew what I was thinking and then he leaned in and kissed my cheek. We knew time was running short.

  
The next two weeks went by fast. Other than weird stares from Finick it was most of the same shit different day. Da wasn’t anywhere to be found after the party. Pat and I spent a lot of time together we didn’t have sex but we spent plenty of time skipping school in that bird watching station out in the woods just relaxing. There was some kissing and some messing around but mostly just cuddling. On the last day he made me swear I would only email him from a public computer but that he would do his best to keep in touch with me and get back to me as often as he could.

  
We left in the middle of the night. Uncle Ben wasn’t home but it was a school night so all of us were. Mum was very careful not to turn on the lights from the car until we were off of our street and onto the next one. We drove for what felt like forever stopping at a truck stop.

  
This time there was another person that picked us up. It was different from last time this time we all transferred to the different car. I fell asleep at some point when we were woken up we were at a different motel then last time and were only there for maybe 12 hours. Mum had pizzas delivered and paid with cash.

  
After 12 hours another person picked us up and then we spent 3 days at another hotel in South Carolina and then another person picked us up and dropped us off in Missouri where we spent a week at a different motel. One night someone came around late and gave mum a bunch of paper work a bus looking van and in the morning we left there and finished our journey west where we settled in Montana.

  
We changed our last name and got a double wide that was cheap someone hooked mum up with a job in a coffee shop in the morning and she found a job at a diner during the night. Slept during the day. For a while we thought things would be good that we would be safe. We were gone for a while. We all started therapy and some of us went to summer school and day care. Things were good. I made friends. For the moment things looked hopeful like we would be officially free from our own personal hell.


End file.
